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 Hi, thank you. Judy, alcoholic. Hi, Judy. Hi, Scott, I want to thank you for asking me to lead the

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 meeting. Scott had asked me one other time, and unfortunately I was unable to do it. I want to

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 thank our readers for their service tonight, and if there's any newcomers in the room to identify

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 them, identify themselves, or on Zoom, welcome. You're in the right place. So, you know, I was

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 telling a friend of mine that I was leading this meeting tonight, and I said I think I'm probably

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 about the only alcoholic who doesn't like talking about themselves, because I still have that whole

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 garden thing coming up. Judy, alcoholic, my sobriety date is May 25, 2011. God willing,

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 one day at a time. If I do continue to do what I did yesterday and today, I think I have a chance.

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 I'll celebrate 11 years. So, what's my story? Let me tell you a little bit about, you know,

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 how it was, what it was like, how it is, and whatever. Okay, let me hear my experience,

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 strength, and hope. And excuse me, I am nervous. I grew up in a single-family home. I'm the

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 youngest of four. My father passed away when I was six, and my mother having three, having four

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 female girls in the home, just, you know, I remember her telling us that she would never

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 bring another man in her home by having, you know, because she had all girls, and she holds true to

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 that. You know, I can say for my opinion, we hear this a lot, but, you know, I grew up in a very

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 loving, dysfunctional home. I think that's the best way to sum it up. It was definitely love in

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 the home. Of course, as far as my father and his side of the families, I'm not aware of any

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 alcoholics being in the home. You know, I don't even know if I want to call my mom an alcoholic,

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 but I know that there was drinking in the home. But what I do know was there was no drinking in

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 the home like the way I drink, and that's why I say that today. But when there was alcohol in the

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 home, it was very chaotic. You know, it was very chaotic. So, you know, in my story, I would let

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 you guys know I have a lot of yets. You know, I have a lot of yets in my story. So, I grew up in

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 that home. I had three older sisters. And one of the things, you know, people talk about, like,

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 they didn't want to be like their parents. You know, for me, I didn't want to be like my siblings.

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 You know, my mother, what I do know, I did not do my steps with any amends to her, resentments to

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 her. I do realize that my mother did the best she could for what she had and what she knew. But I

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 had three older sisters that was totally rebellious, just totally rebellious. All three of them were

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 teen moms. All three of them were, you know, high school dropouts. And they just gave my mother a

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 lot of problems, you know. And I didn't want to be that way. So, not only being the youngest,

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 according to my siblings, I was the good, you know, went to school, I finished high school,

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 I went off college, I did not become a teen mom. I got married when I was 21. And my mother,

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 you know, I didn't want her to worry about me. You know, I would sit up with my mother at nights and

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 see how she worried about my sisters, not knowing where they were, they were late coming home,

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 some and then one or two of them may not come home. And I didn't want to do that to my mother.

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 So, you know, that was not my story, as far as with my mom. And so, you know, life goes on.

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 I started, I had my first drink at the age of 13. And of course, I loved it. You know,

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 I remember drinking some old English 800 malt liquor and getting sicker than you wouldn't want

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 to believe. And I couldn't wait to do it again. You know, and at 13, you know, drinking wasn't

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 that, you know, wasn't that frequent, because I couldn't get my hands on it. So, life goes on,

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 I go to school, I'm now a teenager. One of the things about me is we talked about running with

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 the older crowd. And I did because I was always the youngest. And all of my group of friends,

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 I was the youngest. And the neighborhood kids, I was the youngest. So, that was just me. You know,

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 I had always been around older people. But nevertheless, one thing I can tell you when

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 I talked about my siblings, the one thing for sure is I cannot wait to get old enough to pick

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 and choose my own friends. Because being the youngest and they doing what they're going to do,

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 it was always easy to get out of the house if they took the youngest with them, you know,

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 give mom a break, you know. And I remember getting in plenty of trouble for violating curfew

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 when I wasn't even old enough to cross the street by myself. And to today, I still don't understand.

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 I don't know why I got, you know. So, you know, I couldn't wait till I was old enough to get my own

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 friends so I could follow the rules like the rules was supposed to be followed. And not to say I was

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 that perfect child. I was not. I was better than they were. I just didn't get caught. You know,

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 that was the difference between me and them. So, you know, I'm, you know, in high school,

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 I'm starting to drink on the weekends, getting with the older kids, going to high school games,

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 picking up my own friends. I can tell you there in my teenage years, I started smoking marijuana

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 from 1979 to 1992, you know. And that was my history until I moved to California. And then I

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 I'm definitely an alcoholic, you know, no doubt, no questions about that. So, anyhow, you know,

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 I finished school, I get married. So, now I'm in my early 20s. And what I consider myself and what

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 I learned in these rooms was I was a periodic, you know, I could go, you know, the thing was,

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 is when I drank, I drank. I didn't drink all the time for a while. You know, I could swear out for

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 a year or two, you know, after having a real bad angle. But again, when I picked up the alcohol,

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 I drank. And I love drinking. I really do. If I could do it today, I would still do it because

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 I had a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun drinking. So, life goes on. That happens. You know,

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 having a lot of loss is a huge part of my story. As I mentioned, I got married early, young. I got

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 married at 21. I lost my husband when I was 32. I've, you know, lost my father when I was sick.

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 I'm six, I've lost aunts, I've lost nieces, I've lost nephews. And I lost my mom and my sister,

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 the one that was a few years older than me, I lost them in 2009. It's been five months apart,

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 less than six months apart. Losing my mom, losing my sister, I think had a lot more effect on me

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 than losing my mom because my sister was one of us. At the time, I didn't know what that was.

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 She was still just this is rebellion child, just was not taking on her life was unmanageable,

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 you know, and I didn't know all of this, you know, I know it today, you know, and I just couldn't

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 understand, you know, I just couldn't understand and I had a lot of resentment against her.

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 So when she passed away, though, that was really hard. My mother had been sick for years off and

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 on. So I sort of prepared myself for that, that, you know, that time would come. So I'm drinking

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 off and on. I'm not really that line that you talked about. And thank you for your share that

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 line. He talked about, I would say probably after probably right after my mom passed away in 2009,

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 somewhere between 2009 2010, I crossed that line. All the things, you know, and I had this list of

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 things that I wouldn't do, you know, I'm not going to drink alone. I don't drink before the sun goes

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 down. You know, only drink on the weekends, you know, you know, not drinking in the morning.

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 Those were all my standards, those was all my justifications. And as I go on in my deep disease

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 progress, what I've learned, you know, if I wasn't working, I was drink, you know, so if there was a

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 weekend, you know, not even just a weekend, when I get off of work, you know, I would just, you know,

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 it was on until I passed out. I was a blackout drinker from the very beginning. And again,

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 I had no idea what a blackout was until I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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 And for an alcoholic like me, you know, I'm sitting there thinking, I'm hearing you listening

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 to people talk about this. I'm thinking, Hmm, is there such thing as a brownout? Because I remember

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 half the night, you know, so, you know, that was the thing. So come to find out I was a blackout

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 drinker from the very beginning. And, you know, I didn't think it was a party unless, you know,

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 I didn't remember, you know, you know, waking up the next day not really knowing what's happening,

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 you know, at night. And that's how that's how sick my thinking was, you know, so doing that time,

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 you know, my disease starts to progress. I'm now becoming a daily drinker. I'm blacking out. If it

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 was the weekend, I would wake up. I don't know if it's Sunday or Monday, come to find out towards

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 the end of my drinking. It was a lot of Mondays that I ended up missing work and not calling in.

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 By the time I came to, you know, my thinking again, well, if I haven't showed up now,

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 it's 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock, they sort of figured out I wasn't coming, you know,

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 and it was just that that shame that I had, you know, from what excuse am I going to give them.

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 And not only to mention that, you know, I, you know, used to be my claim of fame that I didn't

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 drink at work, but what I now know and learn, you know, I would go and I'm wreaking the alcohol,

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 you know, and there was times where people would say, Have you been drinking? And I'm looking at

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 them all, you know, defensive and no, I haven't been drinking. But I just read because I probably

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 just got finished drinking maybe three or four hours before I came in, you know, there was times

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 where I was really lucky enough at that time, I was really blessed that I worked for a small

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 nonprofit company, and it was a family owned, and they sort of, they sort of adopted me into their,

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 you know, so there was conversations about them, you know, that they would have with me what they

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 was concerned about my drinking. But the one thing that they did for me, I mean, they did many things.

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 And this is just hindering me that they looked at it because if they know all the loss that I had,

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 and the recent loss that I had, you know, they summed it up that I was grieving, so they were

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 justifying my drinking, I didn't have to do it, you know, it's like, oh, that sounds good. Okay,

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 I'll go with that, you know, but then it was, I don't have a problem drinking, I just enjoy

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 drinking. And, you know, I can stop when I want to, and I just don't want to stop, you know,

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 and that's, you know, fighting for the right to continue to drink. That's how it was for me. And

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 that went on for a while. And I can tell you on May 24 of 2011, leaving work, going home,

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 saying to myself, and it was a many of these days, that I'm not going to drink today,

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 I'm not going to drink today. And for me, the worst feelings towards the end of my drinking

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 was not wanting to drink but have to drink. And that's where I got to the point, I had to drink.

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 And just driving home saying, I'm not going to drink today, I'm not going to drink today.

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 And, you know, I swear, I think my car was on, you know, autopilot, because next thing I know,

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 two blocks before getting home, I'm sitting in front of the liquor store, you know, so and,

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 you know, the good alcoholic I am, and I've heard a lot of people say this in the rooms,

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 especially when I was young, how they would go around in different liquor stores, you know,

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 and I'm like, what, why would you do that, you know, and their thing was because they

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 didn't want anybody to know that they were alcoholic. Well, I'm a little arrogant,

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 and I got an ego, I'm going to the same place, because I'm a loyal customer.

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 I walk in, I don't have to say anything, they're already when I'm coming again, you know,

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 they see my car in the parking lot, I walk in my bottles on the counter, you know, I get my

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 little chaser, you know, and get a bag of ice, you know, and I'm good, you know, and I'm at home.

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 And the one thing for me towards the end of my drinking, I was an isolator, you know, I would go

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 home, the blinds are shut, the lights are out, the only thing on is the TV, and it's me, the TV,

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 and my pop, you know, and that's, that's how it was, you know, but the one thing for me is when

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 I was drinking, I guess being lonely, I get on the phone and I call up, you know, and talk about

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 incomprehensible demoralization, that I would end up calling my, the people that I work with.

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 So, the next day, I don't know who I talked to, I don't know what I said, you know, towards the end,

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 I go to them and want to discuss something with them, and they're like, you know, Judy,

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 you told me that four times already, you know, and I'm like, you know, really just really embarrassed,

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 you know, and that's what my bottom was like for me, you know, when I came into the rooms,

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 I was spiritually, physically, and emotionally bankrupt, you know, when I mentioned earlier,

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 I have a lot of yets, I'm yet to get that DUI, I was yet to lose a job, I was, I'm yet to be

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 homeless behind my disease. So, anyhow, go back to May 24th of 2011, sitting at home, you know,

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 after in the evening, after I'm saying that I don't want to drink today, I'm drinking, you know,

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 and I'm looking myself in the mirror, and I don't recognize who I am, you know, and I'm drinking,

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 and I'm drinking every day, and I lost weight, thinking I'm looking like hot stuff, you know,

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 and so, I decided that when I went to work the next day, that wonderful boss who reached his

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 hand out to me, I'm gonna go tell him that, you know, I can't do this anymore, do it anymore,

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 don't know what to do, I heard about "Atholics Anonymous" whether it was on TV or as a child,

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 but what does that mean, you know, I just couldn't do it anymore. So, I go to work the next day,

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 feeling like crap one more time, you know, and trying to, you know, ruffle up enough courage to

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 have this conversation, and before I got the opportunity to have that conversation,

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 again, there was a meeting, you know, and there was a meeting, and I need to be in attendance to

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 that meeting, and what that meeting was was my intervention, and I go into this meeting,

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 and I'm an administrator, so all the other administrators are sitting there,

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 and they're talking to me, and they're telling me how they're concerned, and how much they care

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 about me, you know, and they went through a lot of work, went through a lot of work to do that,

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 and I'm sitting there thinking I'm not gonna stop this, I'm gonna allow them to be able to do this,

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 and at the end, they offered me help, and all I could say was yes. I didn't know what that

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 help entailed, what it would be like, but, you know, I just said yes, and that was my surrender

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 that day. I immediately left work, I went to Charter Oaks Hospital, I think that's in West

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 Covina or somewhere, I don't know, and by the way, yes, my name says I'm from San Jose, I got sober

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 in the San Fernando Valley, my sponsor, my whole foundation of recovery I established in the San

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 Fernando Valley, and I still have the same sponsor today. I've been in the San Jose area actually

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 about five years, I originally came up here to work, and, you know, that was an opportunity that

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 I would not have been able to get had I not got sober, but anyway, I think that's where I went.

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 I remember going in, I remember doing some work or whatever, but the next day I woke up and this

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 nurse or somebody approached me and said that I needed to go to the hospital, something was wrong

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 with my labs, and again, talk about that surrendering, my first response was like, okay,

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 and then, you know, settled, you know, a click with me, I'm like, wait a minute, what are you

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 talking about? First of all, I don't even remember doing these labs, you know, and then, so I, you

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 know, they said I had to go, and I said okay, and I ended up calling my boss and letting my boss know

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 what was going on, and I go over to this hospital, really don't know what was that normal about these

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 labs, what were they looking for, you know, I'm in the fog, I'm detoxing, I'm over there, I'm

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 emotional. I remember, bless his heart, this, I had this male nurse and I'm like bawling, and I'm

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 bawling like a kid, a baby, and he's like asking me what's wrong, and I just remember saying,

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 you know, I can't smoke, I can't eat, I can't drink, I can't quit all of this at one time,

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 you know, and so I was in the hospital for about a week with them running tests trying to figure out

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 what was wrong with me, and I tell you, we talk about how deadly this disease is,

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 you know, it is, and I'm a testament to that, you know, because I had a lot of health issues at the

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 time going on behind my drinking, so I'm in there for a week, they're running tests, they find out

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 what it was, thank God it was nothing really, you know, too major, but it was enough to scare me,

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 it was enough to scare me, and so they released me from this hospital, and I go back over to this

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 other hospital, which I now know today that it was a mental, it was a psych ward, and I go back over

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 there, and I walk in there, and they're like, I'm sorry, we can't take you here because your

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 insurance only covered detox, and they considered you detoxed in the hospital, and I'm like, you

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 know, what do I do, you know, what do I do, I'm feeling helpless, you know, here I am, now I want

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 to get help, and don't anyone doesn't want to help me, so again, I call my boss, I let my boss know,

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 I go home, and then they did some more research for me, and had me go check out a couple of other

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 treatment facilities, and I get the same response, and my last one, remembering going to Tarzana

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 Treatment Center, I went there because they supposed to work on a sliding scale, and I go in

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 there, and you know, they gave me the same spill, you know, my insurance won't cover it, they can't

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 take me, and I remember leaving Tarzana, and I remember driving up Reseda Boulevard, and I'm

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 thinking, you know, I just need to go get a drink, and I'll just go get me a bottle, and I'll just

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 deal with this tomorrow, because that was always my thinking, I'll deal with it tomorrow, I'll deal

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 with it tomorrow, you know, but talking about a higher power, and I do have a higher power in the

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 relationship with the higher power today, who I choose to call God, you know, he again was watching

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 over me, and I did not do that, I went straight home, I made those phone calls, I called my boss

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 again, you know, because here I am, I want help, nobody wants to help me, I don't know what to do,

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 I don't know where to go, so my boss did some research, and you know, we hear a lot of things

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 about SLEs, or sober livings, and you know, for me, I have nothing but good to say about a sober

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 living, because they found a sober living for me right over in Chastworth, I was a little reluctant

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 to go, I gotta pay these people, I need to pay my rent, you know, I could stay home and do this,

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 but I don't know what I'm doing, so I go, you know, again, surrendering, you know, again, just

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 gift of desperation, again, having that willingness, and I go to this sober living,

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 and these women are there, and they reached out their hand to me, and I grabbed onto that hand,

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 I end up doing some outpatient, you know, service while I was there, and that's

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 where I was taught the basics about Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, there's meetings,

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 get a sponsor, get some commitments, you know, and I was so desperate, guys, if you would have

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 told me to stand on my head, standing on my head would have kept me sober, I would have did it,

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 you know, and I was so open when I came in that I did whatever anybody told me to do to keep from

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 drinking, and I stayed in that sober living house for about 30 days, and it wasn't because that's

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 all I needed, you know, I stayed there for 30 days, because financially, that amazing employer,

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 he paid me for those 30 days that I was off work, so I could keep my health insurance,

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 and he paid for the first 30 days of that sober living for me, you know, and just, you know,

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 some amazing people, and I was just blessed, and at that time, you know, when I went over there,

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 I felt it was a little too loose for me, I need more structure, because one of the things for me

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 in early recovery is I did not trust myself, you know, I have no accountability to anyone,

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 you know, so I could just do it, my first thought was, oh, I have the whole day free,

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 I could go home, I could drink, I could sober up, and I can make curfew, you know, and I'll be good,

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 you know, but again, you know, that higher power working in my life, once again, I did not do that,

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 matter of fact, I was afraid to go to my apartment, and I did not go, so I did that,

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 and it came time for me to leave, I actually stayed an additional two weeks, because again,

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 I don't trust myself, and I'm afraid, and that was a safe environment for me, you know,

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 the Valley Club, you know, was a safe environment for me, because I could always go there any time

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 of the day, just, you know, to be around people when I needed a meeting, because I just did not

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 trust myself being alone, because I did all my drinking alone, so that's what happened for me,

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 I was going to, I went to meetings my first year for six days, six days a week, if I met you ladies

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 or you men, and you told me there was another meeting over here, I should check it out, that's

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 what I did, service definitely kept me in the rooms for many years, you know, I love being a service,

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 I went to six meetings a week, I had five commitments out of those six meetings, I got

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 involved in the convention, I got involved in the convention probably about six to eight months

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 sober, and actually that's how I met Scott, we did some service work together, and I did that

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 up until year before last, I moved up here, got the wonderful company that I was working for,

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 we lost our contract, and they closed, and I was about four years sober at the time,

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 and just to let you know, that amazing employer that I had for the first five years my sobriety,

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 he gave me a take every year, you know, and he still reaches out to me every year on my sobriety

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 day, you know, to just let me know how proud he is, but I reach out to him every year to tell him

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 how thankful and how grateful that I am for him to have this life today, so, you know, that job

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 closed, and I remember, you know, I have been there for 22 years, you know, when I got that job,

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 we were doing paper applications, so now I don't know how to get a job, you know, I don't even know

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 what to do, and I remember one day leaving work and calling my sponsor, you know, what I knew,

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 I knew what you guys told me, so I would leave work and I'd go to a meeting, I would not go home,

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 I'd leave work, I'd go straight to a meeting, and I'm driving to the Valley Club, and my Valley Club

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 was over on Corbin Avenue where it's still today, I know you said you went to the old Valley Club,

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 but I'm there in a parking lot and I'm bawling, I'm scared, I'm financially feared, you know,

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 I have this financial fear, you know, because in my head I wasn't given a last day, but I'm now

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 homeless, you know, my car is now being repossessed because I don't have a job,

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 my apartment, I don't know how I'm going to eat, all of this is happening as I'm still working,

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 you know, so I, you know, call up my sponsor and I'm on the phone bawling with my sponsor in the

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 parking lot of the Valley Club, and she let me do it for about 10 minutes or so, and one of the

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 things what I did when I called her, I told her you don't have to tell me I'm already at the meeting,

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 I'm just waiting for the meeting to start because that's what I was talking about, and she let me do

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 it for about 10 minutes, and then she said okay, you need to get into action, so you need to go,

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 you know, update your resume, she gave me the steps to do, and she told me that's what I

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 needed to do, and you know, I get off the phone with her and I'm walking into the Valley Club,

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 and of course the greeter's there, and this is with me, you know, we talk about being a service

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 and helping other people and getting out of self, that's what I did for a living, and that was my

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 problem, I was busy, I could solve all you guys's problems, you know, I could give you some

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 suggestion and advice, but I didn't know how to take care of Judy, you know, my taking care,

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 my solution to deal with Judy was drinking, you know, that's what I thought my solution was at

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 the time, and I remember walking into Valley Club, and you know, we have to be honest, and we talked

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 about, you know, talking to people and telling them how we feel, and the greeter asked me to say,

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 how you doing, and I said fine, and I was just in my car bawling like a baby, and I said, you know

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 what, I'm sorry, no, I'm not okay, you know, and I had to get honest, and I had to share my feelings,

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 you know, and this is something that was new to me, I didn't know how to do, you know,

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 so those were the steps that I took, and I ended up getting another job, and I worked that job

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 for a while, and that company closed, and then I'm, here I am again, you know, I'm unemployed

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 again, but this time I don't have that fear, I don't have that fear, you know, my sponsor had

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 to tell me that, you know, my higher power didn't bring me this far to drop me now, and I still

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 remember that today, and I hold that deeply to me, you know, and so I, you know, that job didn't work

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 out, and I had to get another job, and because of working the steps, and with the ones that came

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 before me, and even the newcomers who has taught me in recovery, it just was totally going against

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 what I believe in, my values and morals, and I had to leave that job, and just right when I left that

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 job, again, higher power working in my life again, I got a phone call from someone that I used to work

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 with, and asked me to help them out up here in San Jose for a couple of weeks, and I'm like sure,

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 why not, and I came up here on a temporary basis, and I've been up here for five years,

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 I work in recovery, that's what I do, and my job, when I decide to switch from the other

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 social service field that I was in, my sponsor and I had a really good talk, and the one thing

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 that I had to commit to, not had to, I wanted to commit to, was my job cannot be my program,

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 you know, because I work in recovery, I teach, you know, counsel, recovering addicts and

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 alcoholics about to close that, and maybe even take them to meetings, but that was their meeting,

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 not my meeting, and I had to remember, thank you, I had to remember that, and you know, what I do

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 today, I work, I still have my sponsor, I still check on my sponsor, I do a daily gratitude list,

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 you know, that I share with my sponsor and my sobriety sisters, I attend meetings, you know,

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 a week, and you know, I came up here and before COVID, I had an H&I commitment, because that's

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 what I need to do, I need to be in service, I need to get myself fresh, because the minute that I get

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 comfortable and rest on my laurels and think I have this, I'm in trouble, so I always have to

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 stay new, I always have to stay open, I always have to stay willing, you know, and continue to

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 be teachable, you know, and this is what I do today, and you know, I'm so grateful and blessed,

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 you know, that I have the life that I do today, and I would not trade that for nothing in the world,

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 so I got a warning of the timer, so I do want to wrap this up again, I thank you guys for having me

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 at your meeting, and you know, to share my experience, strength, and hope, and you know,

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 that's my story for my journey to here in Alcoholics Anonymous. Again, if I continue to do

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 today, you know, yeah, I do today what I did yesterday, I know I have a chance, you know,

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 I know I have a chance at another day, and I do want to share this really quick. One of the things

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 when I came in, I kept hearing the rest of my life, you know, you guys kept telling me I couldn't

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 drink for the rest of my life, I had to do this for the rest of my life, and for me, that was like

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 a huge goal, that was such a huge long-term goal for me, and one of the things in my sick recovering

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 alcoholic head was I'm gonna screw this up, you know, I'm gonna screw it up, I don't know when,

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 I didn't have a plan, but I'm just gonna, you know, hang around until I do, you know, and that's what

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 I did, but it was finally probably about 60 days into my recovery, I stopped hearing the rest of my

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 life, and I heard one day, I heard 24 hours, and because, you know, I was a periodic, I knew I could

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 stay sober for 24 hours, so again, I'm not gonna drink today, I'll drink tomorrow, I'm not gonna

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 drink today, I'll drink tomorrow. God willing, next month, one day at a time, I'll celebrate

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 11 years of sobriety, so thank you. Thank you, Judy. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Oh, Judy,

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 you are a rock star. Oh, thank you. I'm looking at the picture that Sophie just put up, I think

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 I might have sent it to the wrong person. This is who I got. Thank you, Judy. Thank you, guys,

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00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:19,520
 thank you so much. Thank you. God, thank you so much for asking me. Yes, no problem.

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 You do, I mean, I was looking forward to your last time. Okay, sounds good. Definitely. Come on up.

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00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:41,440
 Okay, I sure will. Okay, thank you. Sean, can you hold on for a minute while I still look for it?

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 Okay, thank you. The link in the chat. Well, but it's not going to do me any good on my phone,

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 is it? I don't know how to do that. If I click on it in the chat, will I get it?

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 The Venmo probably online. Let me see. She doesn't do anything if I click on that goes,

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 goes. Okay, great. Thank you so much. I got it. Okay, Sean. I got it. Thank you so much.