1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,660 - Good evening, my name is Alan, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,660 --> 00:00:06,060 Hey, and hi, I thought you were gonna be looking at the back. 3 00:00:06,060 --> 00:00:09,700 Oh, zoom, it's much more confusing here than you realize. 4 00:00:09,700 --> 00:00:11,220 So I thought you were gonna be looking at the back 5 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:13,920 of my head and could not remember if I saved it evenly 6 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,700 or not, some newcomers can be like, 7 00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:17,900 I can't believe anything he said, 8 00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:19,660 he can't navigate shaving his head, 9 00:00:19,660 --> 00:00:21,420 but you'll never know now. 10 00:00:21,420 --> 00:00:24,260 But you'll hear my story. 11 00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:26,380 And I'm really glad to be here. 12 00:00:26,380 --> 00:00:28,380 A whole bunch of people invited me here. 13 00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:30,420 Robin was my speaker greeter, 14 00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:33,460 and she was so lovely and introduced me to everybody. 15 00:00:33,460 --> 00:00:35,280 And it was just really nice. 16 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,100 I really appreciated your 10 minute talk, Abraham. 17 00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,500 I got a lot out of it. 18 00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,820 And for me, one of the threads I heard 19 00:00:41,820 --> 00:00:42,980 was sort of this conflict 20 00:00:42,980 --> 00:00:46,300 between AA being convenient and inconvenient. 21 00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:49,660 And I think I'm typical in the sense, 22 00:00:49,660 --> 00:00:50,780 and I've been around for a while, 23 00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:51,900 but I think I'm typical in the sense 24 00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:54,600 that I really would prefer AA be convenient. 25 00:00:55,940 --> 00:00:59,420 It makes intellectually a lot more sense to me 26 00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:01,500 that AA ought to eventually at some point 27 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,660 become like one of those workouts 28 00:01:03,660 --> 00:01:05,420 that you can get done in three minutes 29 00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:08,980 and have the abs of like a 22 year old or something. 30 00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:13,020 But my actual lived experience is that AA works best 31 00:01:13,020 --> 00:01:14,300 when it's inconvenient. 32 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:19,300 And I have to say, I had a mixed relationship with Zoom. 33 00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,020 Like there were things about it that I didn't love, 34 00:01:22,020 --> 00:01:25,220 but it's hard to argue with like, 35 00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:27,780 you can leave for a meeting about 45 seconds 36 00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:29,740 before it starts and get there on time. 37 00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:31,540 And now we're getting back to this thing 38 00:01:31,540 --> 00:01:33,780 where like I'm driving on the 101, 39 00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:34,820 I'm like on the 101. 40 00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:38,180 And if you're new, this may sound really weird, 41 00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:40,940 but I'm really grateful for the inconvenience. 42 00:01:40,940 --> 00:01:42,940 I still don't like traffic. 43 00:01:42,940 --> 00:01:45,460 I grumble in my head, 44 00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:49,080 but this is sort of how I came up in Alcoholics Anonymous 45 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,700 and it works better for me. 46 00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:54,280 And it's just nice to be here. 47 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,100 I am, I'm just gonna say right up front, 48 00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:57,780 I had a strange day and I debated 49 00:01:57,780 --> 00:02:00,220 whether to like talk about it or not talk about it, 50 00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,140 but I'm sort of a fan of the, 51 00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:05,100 just be like real style of speaking. 52 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:08,860 I went to a Memorial in Anaheim 53 00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:12,260 and my drive down to the Memorial in Anaheim 54 00:02:12,260 --> 00:02:17,260 was listening to like a Zoom telecast of a funeral in Utah. 55 00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:20,740 And the Memorial was for a friend and it was sad. 56 00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:24,440 And the Zoom funeral was for a family 57 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,300 and I have a son committed suicide. 58 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:29,300 And I don't know how to process that, 59 00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:30,500 but here's what I wanna say. 60 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:33,540 And I will talk about my story in a minute, I'm sure. 61 00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:36,860 I got sober on April 16th of 1990. 62 00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:39,620 I just turned 32 years sober. 63 00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:43,500 And I think for me, the thing that's hard 64 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:48,500 when facing like a suicide is that I totally can get it. 65 00:02:48,980 --> 00:02:51,540 Like I lived most of my youth, 66 00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:53,460 most of my time before arriving in AA 67 00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:56,940 and if I'm gonna be completely honest and vulnerable, 68 00:02:56,940 --> 00:02:58,980 even in the first few years in AA, 69 00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:03,740 not entirely convinced that life had much to offer 70 00:03:03,740 --> 00:03:04,940 for me at least. 71 00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:08,460 And our book, "The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous," 72 00:03:08,460 --> 00:03:11,300 which is somewhere around here, I'm pretty sure, 73 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:14,140 describes the dilemma of the alcoholic 74 00:03:14,140 --> 00:03:16,540 who arrives in Alcoholics Anonymous 75 00:03:16,540 --> 00:03:19,420 as a choice between certain physical death 76 00:03:19,420 --> 00:03:21,680 and living life on spiritual terms. 77 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,540 And it calls it a dilemma. 78 00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:26,020 And there are many parts of our literature 79 00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:27,660 that I enjoy a lot. 80 00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:28,580 And particularly if you're new, 81 00:03:28,580 --> 00:03:31,220 I would recommend doing what I did. 82 00:03:31,220 --> 00:03:32,380 I would get a sponsor. 83 00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,740 I would get somebody to sort of drag me 84 00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,220 through the literature. 85 00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:41,100 I think most of us who've done that would recommend that. 86 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,460 But that's one of my favorite parts 87 00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:46,700 because to me, it really captures the insanity 88 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:47,980 of my alcoholism. 89 00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:52,060 I was somebody who, if you came to me and said, 90 00:03:52,060 --> 00:03:55,580 "Here's your choice, have a loving God 91 00:03:55,580 --> 00:03:58,580 working effectively in your life or die," 92 00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:02,980 I would be like, "Man, can I get back to you on Tuesday?" 93 00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:04,740 Like that's a lot. 94 00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:08,260 And if you're new and you're going, "It is a lot," 95 00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:11,500 I wanna tell you, I don't find that choice hard today. 96 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:16,420 I am comfortable with trying my best, 97 00:04:16,420 --> 00:04:19,720 my human limited best of life on spiritual terms. 98 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:24,180 I was born in 1964, I'm 57 years old. 99 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,360 I was born in Brooklyn, New York. 100 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,620 I've always wanted to be cool. 101 00:04:28,620 --> 00:04:31,220 I've always believed that cooler people 102 00:04:31,220 --> 00:04:34,020 are sort of safer and more protected. 103 00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:37,800 Being born in Brooklyn was by far the one thing in my life 104 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,180 that would give me the most street cred 105 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:43,060 and everything else after that was downhill 106 00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:44,740 in terms of being cool. 107 00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:47,820 And I really didn't do much except sort of show up 108 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,900 at the hospital as it were. 109 00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:54,540 And when I was a kid, I had big bushy red hair 110 00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:56,660 and dad had been in the army. 111 00:04:56,660 --> 00:05:00,300 He went to West Point and was doing army intelligence 112 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,220 for a bit and then went to work for IBM. 113 00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:03,740 And the recurring theme of all that 114 00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:05,660 is we sort of moved around a lot. 115 00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:07,780 I grew up in the Midwest where nobody 116 00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:10,900 had big bushy red hair and an East Coast accent. 117 00:05:10,900 --> 00:05:14,500 It was the late '70s, I wore high-ski jeans. 118 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:17,820 That's a 1970s euphemism for being a chunky kid. 119 00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:20,780 And now, of course, like you're called thick 120 00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:23,300 or at least, and like, it's like a cool thing, 121 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:26,640 but like, you know, it wasn't cool back then 122 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,060 and I wish it had been. 123 00:05:28,060 --> 00:05:31,100 And I just, everyone around me was like 124 00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:32,780 sort of thin and athletic. 125 00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:34,860 They had brown hair or blonde hair. 126 00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:36,140 They had blue eyes. 127 00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:38,660 And I just wanted to fit in. 128 00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:41,620 We, in my big public middle school, 129 00:05:41,620 --> 00:05:42,860 we had a lecture one time. 130 00:05:42,860 --> 00:05:45,540 They brought us all into the assembly hall 131 00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:48,500 and this is like, if you ever watch like any John Hughes 132 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:49,660 movie from the early '80s, 133 00:05:49,660 --> 00:05:52,900 it's like a documentary of my childhood. 134 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:55,140 And they just explained basically 135 00:05:55,140 --> 00:05:57,140 how the people who are gonna do best in life 136 00:05:57,140 --> 00:05:58,340 were the B and C students. 137 00:05:58,340 --> 00:06:00,340 Like don't fail out, but don't overachieve. 138 00:06:00,340 --> 00:06:01,660 And I'm a nerd. 139 00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:05,300 I'm doing well without, I just, I'm a good student. 140 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:08,980 And literally like, they're like, yep, you are doomed 141 00:06:08,980 --> 00:06:12,420 because like the people who fit in and get by 142 00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:14,340 are the ones who are gonna succeed in life. 143 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:16,140 And I just wanted to be comfortable. 144 00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:18,780 And eventually I found drinking. 145 00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:19,940 I'm Jewish. 146 00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:23,600 I first found it, by the way, like Passover literally ended 147 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,980 like while we were reading the preamble. 148 00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:29,580 So I can have pasta again and bread and doughnuts. 149 00:06:29,580 --> 00:06:31,140 I'm very, I could just go on. 150 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:31,980 I'm excited. 151 00:06:31,980 --> 00:06:34,940 But we would go to services on Friday night 152 00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:35,780 in my faith. 153 00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:37,600 And at the end of the services, 154 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,460 you had a reception in the social hall. 155 00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:42,660 But before you do that, you say like, 156 00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:44,640 you say a little prayer for the bread, 157 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:45,480 which is called challah. 158 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,420 And you say a little prayer over the wine. 159 00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:48,960 And back then, I think probably now 160 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,100 you wouldn't serve kids actual wine, 161 00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:52,980 but back then it was like a different, 162 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,340 if you were young, it was different. 163 00:06:54,340 --> 00:06:58,140 And the moms, like all Jewish moms, 164 00:06:58,140 --> 00:07:00,940 like all Italian moms, like all moms, 165 00:07:00,940 --> 00:07:04,060 like massively over poured and over served everything. 166 00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:07,100 So if there were 75 people at the services, 167 00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:10,820 they poured like 150 of these little shop glasses 168 00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:13,620 of Manischewitz, which I'm not recommending it, 169 00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:16,140 but just for your academic knowledge, 170 00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:21,140 is this like super sweet red wine that I think honestly 171 00:07:21,140 --> 00:07:23,540 was cultivated for the sophisticated palette 172 00:07:23,540 --> 00:07:24,560 of a nine-year-old. 173 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:29,080 And I mean, it is not like some sort of like French wine. 174 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:31,320 It's basically alcoholic grape juice. 175 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:35,280 And so we would gather and do the prayers 176 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:39,060 and then the adults and the younger kids would gravitate 177 00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:40,700 down to the social hall. 178 00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,820 And my friends and I would do shot contests 179 00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:44,460 with the leftover Manischewitz. 180 00:07:44,460 --> 00:07:47,380 And what I discovered as it described in our literature 181 00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:49,940 is I liked the effect produced by alcohol. 182 00:07:49,940 --> 00:07:52,060 It made me feel more comfortable. 183 00:07:52,060 --> 00:07:57,060 I'm an anxious, nerdy, awkward, uncomfortable kid. 184 00:07:57,220 --> 00:08:02,220 You know, I want approval while also wanting to not care. 185 00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:05,700 Like, you know, I want to be exceptional while fitting in. 186 00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:07,780 You know, the list of things that I want, 187 00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:11,620 which I got to later in the steps makes no logical sense. 188 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:14,740 I had defined, my definition of succeeding in life 189 00:08:14,740 --> 00:08:17,420 was unattainable and so I never succeeded, 190 00:08:17,420 --> 00:08:19,940 but I drank and I felt a little bit more comfortable 191 00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:21,140 on my own skin. 192 00:08:21,140 --> 00:08:22,980 I learned some very important lessons 193 00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:25,540 and I hope none of you need to take my knowledge 194 00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:27,700 and experiment with it, but I'll tell you what I learned. 195 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:30,100 I learned that nobody cares about my drinking 196 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,940 if I don't curse out the rabbi 197 00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:34,620 and if I don't throw up on his wife's shoes. 198 00:08:34,620 --> 00:08:37,500 Like you do stuff like that and people get offended. 199 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:40,780 The trick to drinking is to not bother other people. 200 00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:43,020 And I filed that away and I practiced it. 201 00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:45,620 And for whatever other defects I had, 202 00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:49,500 I was very good at making my drinking not bother you. 203 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:51,580 Some people, obviously, and by the way, 204 00:08:51,580 --> 00:08:52,420 I don't know that I take this, 205 00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:54,780 some people drink and they're loud and violent 206 00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:59,100 and the police exist to stop people like that. 207 00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:02,860 And that's more the kind of person who drinks and things 208 00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:05,420 and eventually sort of slides into the bar stool. 209 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:10,420 And I go off to college, I go to a high school, 210 00:09:10,420 --> 00:09:15,020 I join a fraternity, I'm a gay Jew from New York. 211 00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:19,220 I'm not exactly like the picture of a Southern frat boy. 212 00:09:19,220 --> 00:09:21,700 So fun fact, I'm a Southern frat boy 213 00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:25,860 and we drank all the time and I fell madly in love with beer. 214 00:09:25,860 --> 00:09:29,660 I want to say this, it's 2022 215 00:09:29,660 --> 00:09:31,060 and I've been around for a while. 216 00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:33,300 I'm aware that some of you probably did drugs 217 00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:36,380 and I want to tell you, if I had known that drugs 218 00:09:36,380 --> 00:09:38,620 are going to offend people and alcoholics anonymous, 219 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,740 when I got here, I was really angry. 220 00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:42,140 I would have made a point of doing more 221 00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:44,140 just to offend the old timers. 222 00:09:44,140 --> 00:09:47,420 But I didn't know, I didn't know. 223 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,860 So it's just made a part of my story. 224 00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:52,580 I sweeped a little bit of recreational crack in the 80s, 225 00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:57,580 but mostly I love to drink beer because it works 226 00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,980 and because I can relatively pace it out. 227 00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:05,020 I want to be altered, but I want to stay altered. 228 00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,180 And even the problem for me with harder liquors 229 00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:10,780 is I tend to drink for quantity more than quality. 230 00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:13,260 And so I just get there a little bit too quickly 231 00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:16,180 and Budweiser in particular, 232 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:18,620 which became sort of my beer of choice, 233 00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:20,380 just it was there. 234 00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:24,340 I never, I lacked faith in almost every area of my life, 235 00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,300 but I did not lack faith that we were going to run out 236 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:27,380 of Budweiser. 237 00:10:27,380 --> 00:10:30,980 I trusted Anheuser-Busch more than I trusted a loving God. 238 00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:34,300 And I drank and I went through school. 239 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:37,300 And at the end, I came to the end of my school years 240 00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:41,460 and I had a moment of clarity in like March, 241 00:10:41,460 --> 00:10:43,900 I suddenly realized what I realized was I had gone 242 00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,580 to a good school and I'd done reasonably well. 243 00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:49,140 I had taken even like some words from that grad school 244 00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:51,340 programs, but I never applied. 245 00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:53,380 Fun little fact, newer people, 246 00:10:53,380 --> 00:10:56,220 if you have an interest in continuing your education, 247 00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:59,780 it is very important to apply if you wish to be accepted. 248 00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:05,300 There's a very strong correlation between people who apply 249 00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:06,820 and people who get accepted. 250 00:11:06,820 --> 00:11:10,140 And I didn't apply and it's March. 251 00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:12,620 And I realized I'm about to graduate 252 00:11:12,620 --> 00:11:15,620 and I'm gonna head back to mom and dad's house and pick up 253 00:11:15,620 --> 00:11:19,180 my job from the summer before at Marshall fields, 254 00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:22,220 which is kind of like Macy's selling sheets and towels, 255 00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:23,660 which is a hideous, 256 00:11:23,660 --> 00:11:26,180 hideous job for an alcoholic of my type, 257 00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:29,380 because there are things that people will buy without input, 258 00:11:29,380 --> 00:11:32,780 but anyone who's buying sheets and towels wants to know what 259 00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,220 the sales person thinks. 260 00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:37,460 And they want to tell you like what the colors are of their 261 00:11:37,460 --> 00:11:38,300 bathroom. 262 00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:41,460 And they want you to actually know all the weird colors, 263 00:11:41,460 --> 00:11:43,300 the towels and sheets get called. 264 00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,820 They never get called like green. 265 00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:47,100 It's always like spearmender and it, 266 00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,380 and even that's like not weird enough. 267 00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:53,300 And it requires me to be interested in other people, 268 00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,420 which is so painful. 269 00:11:55,420 --> 00:11:59,900 And so I'm gonna graduate and have to go back to that. 270 00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:01,020 And it's unbearable. 271 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:06,020 And so one characteristic of alcoholism is when I'm not sort 272 00:12:06,020 --> 00:12:08,980 of slowly unraveling and failing, 273 00:12:08,980 --> 00:12:12,140 I am capable of acts of amazing, 274 00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:15,700 like passionate intense accomplishment. 275 00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:18,620 And somehow or other faced with the reality that I was going 276 00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:21,260 back to mom and dad's house and Marshall field, 277 00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:24,980 I charmed my way into an interview for a banking job in New 278 00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:27,900 York that I had no business applying for and got it. 279 00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:32,020 And they moved me up to Manhattan and Manhattan is a young 280 00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:34,580 alcohol, alcohol extreme. 281 00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:36,180 I discovered dive bars. 282 00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:39,940 I am, I am a, I'm a white kid from the suburbs. 283 00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:42,820 Like there's just nothing ambiguous about that. 284 00:12:42,820 --> 00:12:47,820 And I discovered this whole world of like downtown diving, 285 00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:49,260 New York bars. 286 00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:52,220 And it was, it was my Disneyland. 287 00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:57,140 I just, I would go and get a fork at five. 288 00:12:57,140 --> 00:13:00,420 I was a quick change artists until I can hold jeans 289 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:02,140 and ready Oxford shirts. 290 00:13:02,140 --> 00:13:06,700 And I would, we still, I mean, we used money newcomers. 291 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:09,380 I can explain like, you know, what that is. 292 00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:11,100 It's what we used before Venmo. 293 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:15,500 And I would go to the Lithuanian is in the Ukrainian. 294 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,420 And there was like a game station. 295 00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:18,260 That's not going to be this. 296 00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:21,020 I'm going to convert it into a bar, just magical. 297 00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:26,020 And everything about it was just so cool and I loved it. 298 00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:29,020 I really did because I could be distracted from myself. 299 00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:32,460 I could be distracted from the discomfort of living 300 00:13:32,460 --> 00:13:34,340 in my own skin, which didn't make any sense. 301 00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:36,700 Cause I'm, I'm a kid with a loving family 302 00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:39,740 and a job that pays the bills and a college degree. 303 00:13:39,740 --> 00:13:42,020 And I shouldn't be this unhappy. 304 00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:44,460 And I am, and it's shameful because I can't, 305 00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:46,980 because I know that I have the things in life 306 00:13:46,980 --> 00:13:49,060 that you make me feel better about myself, 307 00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:51,180 but I don't feel better about myself. 308 00:13:51,180 --> 00:13:53,100 And I don't have a vocabulary. 309 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,980 One thing I've been around here for a while, 310 00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,780 and I'm sure many of you have been around here for a while. 311 00:13:56,780 --> 00:13:59,300 One thing that amazes me about Alcoholics Anonymous 312 00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:02,380 is that we have a capacity to talk about fears 313 00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:05,740 and vulnerabilities in such a matter of fact way 314 00:14:05,740 --> 00:14:08,580 to people, you know, and I admit some of you, 315 00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:09,820 some of you have never met before, 316 00:14:09,820 --> 00:14:12,460 and yet I'm just sort of talking about myself, 317 00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:15,300 my fears, my insecurities. 318 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,900 I want you to know, I had no language for doing that 319 00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,220 when I was out there. 320 00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:22,380 In fact, I'm a kid of an army intelligence officer. 321 00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:25,620 What I believe is that information is power. 322 00:14:25,620 --> 00:14:28,860 And the best thing that you can do is keep it to yourself. 323 00:14:28,860 --> 00:14:31,500 That is sort of what I think. 324 00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:33,300 When I know something, 325 00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:36,940 what I understand to do is hold on to it 326 00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:39,340 and wait for a moment to use it to my advantage. 327 00:14:39,340 --> 00:14:41,020 That is what you do with a secret. 328 00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:44,380 This like, you are sick as your secrets is not, 329 00:14:44,380 --> 00:14:45,500 that's not my upbringing. 330 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:46,500 And if you got here and you're like, 331 00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:49,180 of course I watched Oprah for like five years, 332 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,460 like while nursing hangovers, 333 00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:52,780 and I understand that, then good for you, I'm glad. 334 00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:55,700 But I actually didn't really get this concept 335 00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:58,460 until I got to AA that it might be good 336 00:14:58,460 --> 00:15:02,020 to not hold onto my secrets, my shames, my insecurities. 337 00:15:02,020 --> 00:15:02,860 I didn't know. 338 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:06,100 And so I drink and here's how it ends. 339 00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:08,260 I'm in these dive bars, 340 00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:10,580 except I'm not in the dive bars anymore. 341 00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:13,420 Alcoholism in my experience is a progressive illness 342 00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:15,380 and I am stealing that from the big book as well. 343 00:15:15,380 --> 00:15:17,020 So they seem to agree. 344 00:15:17,020 --> 00:15:18,780 And one of the things that progresses for me 345 00:15:18,780 --> 00:15:21,740 is that the longer I drink, the smaller my world gets. 346 00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:23,460 And when I moved to New York and I start off, 347 00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:26,100 I really truly have the energy and the enthusiasm 348 00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:28,460 to go everywhere until the money runs out. 349 00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:29,860 And frankly, once the money runs out, 350 00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:31,300 until my charm runs out. 351 00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:33,500 And that does, believe me, that runs out. 352 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:37,300 But I do the best I can, but my world gets smaller 353 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:39,620 and I don't even notice it as I'm drinking. 354 00:15:39,620 --> 00:15:42,380 But what happens is I'm not as comfortable anymore 355 00:15:42,380 --> 00:15:43,980 going to new places. 356 00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:46,420 I don't know exactly where to stand, 357 00:15:46,420 --> 00:15:47,940 how to get the bartender's attention, 358 00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:48,940 where the bathroom is. 359 00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:52,140 You know, it just all becomes a little bit overwhelming 360 00:15:52,140 --> 00:15:54,820 and it becomes easier to go someplace familiar. 361 00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:56,820 And then I have a disagreement with somebody 362 00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:58,740 and it becomes easier not to go there. 363 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,620 And my world keeps shrinking 364 00:16:00,620 --> 00:16:03,340 and I barely even notice it while it's happening 365 00:16:03,340 --> 00:16:05,740 until basically I've moved into one bar 366 00:16:05,740 --> 00:16:07,580 and I'm not going anywhere except for this one bar 367 00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:09,100 called the Village Idiot. 368 00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,220 And it's great. 369 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,500 It's a long, dark, narrow bar. 370 00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:15,540 It's got junkies shooting up in the bathroom. 371 00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:18,540 It's got parolees violating with concealed weapons. 372 00:16:18,540 --> 00:16:20,540 They sell pictures of beer, which I love, 373 00:16:20,540 --> 00:16:22,780 'cause then you don't have to really count your drinks at all 374 00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:24,580 and I'm just there all the time. 375 00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:27,300 And in 1990 in February, something weird happens 376 00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:28,660 and my drinking stops working 377 00:16:28,660 --> 00:16:30,060 and I just have a moment of clarity. 378 00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:32,860 Bill Wilson, he's one of our co-founders in his story, 379 00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,700 Bill's story, which is great. 380 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,540 If you haven't read it, please treat yourself to it. 381 00:16:37,540 --> 00:16:40,100 But he talks about having a white light experience. 382 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,180 He talks about being in a sanitarium, 383 00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:44,700 people being there visiting him, trying to help him. 384 00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:47,500 And suddenly he has this impression of white light 385 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:50,780 and a feeling of the nearness of his creator. 386 00:16:50,780 --> 00:16:52,380 And it's a beautiful story. 387 00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:54,380 I'm not doing it full justice. 388 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:55,860 And it's transformative for him. 389 00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:58,420 It really sets him on his path towards recovery. 390 00:16:58,420 --> 00:17:01,140 I, in February of '90, in a dark bar and a dark night, 391 00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:02,340 have the exact opposite. 392 00:17:02,340 --> 00:17:04,020 I have a dark light experience. 393 00:17:04,020 --> 00:17:05,700 Everything is dark already. 394 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,260 And somehow or other, I have a moment 395 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:08,420 where everything gets darker 396 00:17:08,420 --> 00:17:10,780 and my awareness of my separation 397 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:12,500 from other people gets greater. 398 00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:15,980 I just, I see the space between me and everybody else 399 00:17:15,980 --> 00:17:18,660 in a physical way that I've never seen it before. 400 00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:20,460 And I understand that I'm alone. 401 00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:23,140 And I understand that I've been alone for a long time. 402 00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:24,300 By the way, part of why I'm alone 403 00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:25,860 is I've pushed people away who love me. 404 00:17:25,860 --> 00:17:28,260 Because again, I don't know how to talk about fears 405 00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:29,100 and insecurities. 406 00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,860 And my life, which when I was young, 407 00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:32,940 it seemed sort of promising to the people around me, 408 00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:34,220 is going nowhere. 409 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,820 And now I do have to deal with like my mom calling 410 00:17:36,820 --> 00:17:38,780 and there being a tone of concern in her voice. 411 00:17:38,780 --> 00:17:41,420 Or I see my grandmother 'cause she lives in New York 412 00:17:41,420 --> 00:17:43,380 and she looks a little confused. 413 00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:45,900 And it's funny 'cause I'm not living on the street, 414 00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:50,180 but I'm living in a very briny part of New York, 415 00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:53,820 very late at night with a lot of potential physical danger. 416 00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:55,660 And I feel equipped for that, 417 00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:58,780 but I am completely disarmed against the concern 418 00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:00,260 of a loving family member. 419 00:18:00,260 --> 00:18:02,020 I don't know what to do with it. 420 00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:04,380 And so I just get you the hell out of my life if you care. 421 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:06,700 I find clever, slow ways. 422 00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:09,420 It's also, it's 1990. 423 00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:12,900 I mean, we don't have social media and texting. 424 00:18:12,900 --> 00:18:15,700 It's easier to get rid of people and I'm good at it. 425 00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:16,620 And I'm alone. 426 00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:17,820 And I have this dark light moment 427 00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,740 and I realized that I've been alone for a while 428 00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:20,860 and I'm always gonna be alone. 429 00:18:20,860 --> 00:18:23,820 And the weird part is my drinking stops working. 430 00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:26,060 Drinking has always medicated me effectively. 431 00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:28,620 It's made me able to handle the discomfort 432 00:18:28,620 --> 00:18:31,140 of my daily living and now it doesn't work. 433 00:18:31,140 --> 00:18:33,860 And it's like being abandoned by a lover 434 00:18:33,860 --> 00:18:36,900 that you never even thought once would abandon you. 435 00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:39,020 Just like that shocking feeling of, 436 00:18:39,020 --> 00:18:40,380 what do you mean you've left me? 437 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,740 You were never gonna leave me. 438 00:18:41,740 --> 00:18:43,580 Like it's a crappy relationship, 439 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:44,860 but you were never gonna leave me. 440 00:18:44,860 --> 00:18:47,380 And so I put up with it and now it doesn't work 441 00:18:47,380 --> 00:18:48,460 and I can't drink to effect. 442 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:51,420 And I try a little bit of control drinking, which is bad. 443 00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:54,260 And then Mardi Gras comes. 444 00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:56,380 It's late February of 1990. 445 00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:59,020 And I'm not, I'm a nice Jewish boy, 446 00:18:59,020 --> 00:19:00,900 but I grew up in a really, really Catholic part 447 00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,380 of the Chicago suburbs. 448 00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:04,700 And everyone I know gives up stuff for Lent. 449 00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:08,700 And so my clever intuitive leap is I'm gonna give up drinking 450 00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:10,980 in any form of self-medication for Lent. 451 00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:11,820 And so I do that. 452 00:19:11,820 --> 00:19:16,740 I go through 40 days and 40 long nights of physical sobriety. 453 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:19,260 I get manic, but I stay sober. 454 00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:20,980 It's funny to everyone. 455 00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:25,980 This like nerdy Jewish kid is not drinking during Lent. 456 00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:30,020 And through a series of lovely coincidences, 457 00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:32,260 I wind up in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous 458 00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:33,500 on Easter Sunday. 459 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:36,220 And I don't know that, I don't, 460 00:19:36,220 --> 00:19:39,340 I'm too manic to focus on the speaker. 461 00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:40,260 I don't remember. 462 00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:42,140 I remember there was a speaker. 463 00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:43,780 I remember the speaker was a woman, 464 00:19:43,780 --> 00:19:46,340 but I don't remember really anything about what she said. 465 00:19:46,340 --> 00:19:47,820 But somebody who I'd known from out and about 466 00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,580 who I didn't know was sober grabbed me at the meeting 467 00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:53,100 and took me out for brunch. 468 00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:56,300 If you're new and you think that AA is a program 469 00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:59,900 for you to show up and absorb knowledge, it's not. 470 00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,660 It's an interactive program. 471 00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:05,180 And my job, as I understand it, is to stay physically sober 472 00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:08,620 and to try to give maximum service to God and God's kids. 473 00:20:08,620 --> 00:20:11,180 And that person was fairly new and they saved my life 474 00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:13,060 because they took me out and they told me a little bit 475 00:20:13,060 --> 00:20:16,100 about their alcoholism and I identified. 476 00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:19,420 And identification is very important in my experience, 477 00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:21,260 but it's not enough. 478 00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:24,060 I went to an Easter dinner up in Westchester County. 479 00:20:24,060 --> 00:20:27,220 I'd been committed to being physically sober for Lent. 480 00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:28,900 Easter had arrived, Lent was over. 481 00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:31,340 I had half a glass of white wine 482 00:20:31,340 --> 00:20:32,900 and half a glass of red wine. 483 00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:36,980 And I did that on 40 days of physical sobriety. 484 00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:39,420 And I still remember the feeling it was like, 485 00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:42,060 it was like lighting kindling. 486 00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:46,420 It was so clear to me what I needed to do next. 487 00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:48,380 It was like, and by the way, 488 00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:50,900 I feel like literally if it was like a sing along, 489 00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:53,860 you guys could like say the words of the chorus with me. 490 00:20:53,860 --> 00:20:56,660 But basically I needed to get to the train station. 491 00:20:56,660 --> 00:20:57,940 I needed to get back into the city. 492 00:20:57,940 --> 00:20:59,780 I needed to lose my friends. 493 00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:01,100 I needed to get back to my apartment, 494 00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:02,620 get out of my nice Easter clothing 495 00:21:02,620 --> 00:21:04,500 and into my grungy downtown clothing. 496 00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:07,740 I needed to scrape up whatever kind of money I could find. 497 00:21:07,740 --> 00:21:09,220 And then I just needed to get downtown 498 00:21:09,220 --> 00:21:11,660 and get drunk and stay drunk for as long as I could. 499 00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:12,940 And it was not complicated. 500 00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:15,300 Like it was very obvious, 501 00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,820 even with 40 days of physical sobriety, 502 00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:20,060 just after the equivalent of a glass of wine, 503 00:21:20,060 --> 00:21:21,340 what I needed to do next. 504 00:21:21,340 --> 00:21:23,300 And what I can tell you feeling that feeling 505 00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:25,820 is standing at the train station, waiting for the train. 506 00:21:25,820 --> 00:21:28,100 I felt profoundly exhausted 507 00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:29,980 in a way that I can barely describe. 508 00:21:29,980 --> 00:21:32,060 I'm a single dad. 509 00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:33,020 I have three kids. 510 00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:34,540 They're pretty much grown up now, 511 00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:37,620 but like I've raised them as a single dad 512 00:21:37,620 --> 00:21:39,780 and they're all less than two years apart. 513 00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:42,100 So there was a period of time where I had three babies 514 00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:43,260 under the age of two. 515 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:46,140 And that is obviously a kind of physically exhausting 516 00:21:46,140 --> 00:21:48,060 experience that I've been through. 517 00:21:48,060 --> 00:21:50,820 And I did want to like nap for about five years, 518 00:21:50,820 --> 00:21:54,580 but the actual exhaustion of standing there 519 00:21:54,580 --> 00:21:57,540 and knowing that I needed to get properly drunk 520 00:21:57,540 --> 00:22:00,260 after being sober for awhile was worse. 521 00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:01,620 It was more intense. 522 00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:04,060 And the miracle is I made it back to my boyfriend 523 00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:04,900 and I went to bed. 524 00:22:04,900 --> 00:22:07,380 I don't know why it wasn't logical for me, 525 00:22:07,380 --> 00:22:09,340 but I went to bed and the next day I turned myself back 526 00:22:09,340 --> 00:22:10,940 into alcoholics and onerous. 527 00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:14,140 And that became my sobriety date, April 16th of 1998. 528 00:22:14,140 --> 00:22:16,660 I was not the happiest newcomer. 529 00:22:16,660 --> 00:22:21,660 You know, I guess we all have a career in AA if we stay sober. 530 00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:25,820 My career has been a very conventional AA career. 531 00:22:25,820 --> 00:22:28,940 And I mean, it's a pleasure to be at Quality of Life. 532 00:22:28,940 --> 00:22:30,340 Thank you, I just wanted to get that. 533 00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:31,820 (laughing) 534 00:22:31,820 --> 00:22:33,260 My name is the Pacific group. 535 00:22:33,260 --> 00:22:35,740 My sponsor for 21 years was (indistinct) 536 00:22:35,740 --> 00:22:38,980 He passed away during COVID in August of 20. 537 00:22:38,980 --> 00:22:40,740 My sponsor now is Matt Johnson. 538 00:22:40,740 --> 00:22:42,860 He's 48 or 49 years sober. 539 00:22:42,860 --> 00:22:44,540 (indistinct) 540 00:22:44,540 --> 00:22:46,260 I was secretary of the Pacific group. 541 00:22:46,260 --> 00:22:47,460 I sponsor people. 542 00:22:47,460 --> 00:22:51,180 I'm like a very conventional AA person. 543 00:22:51,180 --> 00:22:55,180 I did not reek of like he's gonna be like, you know, 544 00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:58,180 class president of alcoholics and onerous when I got here. 545 00:22:58,180 --> 00:23:02,100 I was angry and disconnected and couldn't believe. 546 00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:03,900 I just couldn't believe anything. 547 00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:06,820 And except for one thing, it was not an important. 548 00:23:06,820 --> 00:23:08,420 I knew that they were telling the truth. 549 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:09,860 I'm a bar drunk. 550 00:23:09,860 --> 00:23:12,500 I hustle drinks because I always run out of money. 551 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,540 I bring as much money as I can. 552 00:23:14,540 --> 00:23:17,340 I'll tell you, this is the kind of drunk I am, 553 00:23:17,340 --> 00:23:18,820 if it's a thing you can relate. 554 00:23:18,820 --> 00:23:20,620 I'm in New York when I'm at the end. 555 00:23:20,620 --> 00:23:23,580 I put a bus joke in my pants when I go out. 556 00:23:23,580 --> 00:23:25,620 And it's like a primitive alcoholic prayer. 557 00:23:25,620 --> 00:23:27,300 I know that the money will be all gone. 558 00:23:27,300 --> 00:23:29,700 I know there's no chance of any broke hat. 559 00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:32,620 But I think maybe if I can hold on to this bus token, 560 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:35,820 I won't have to walk the 30 blocks back to my apartment, 561 00:23:35,820 --> 00:23:37,580 you know, at two or three in the morning. 562 00:23:37,580 --> 00:23:40,340 And I can never hold on to a bus token like that. 563 00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:41,740 That is beyond my ability. 564 00:23:41,740 --> 00:23:46,140 I will find some way to trade away from drinks 565 00:23:46,140 --> 00:23:47,900 and I will hustle drinks. 566 00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:50,700 And if any of you have spent time 567 00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:52,700 in dive parks hustling drinks, 568 00:23:52,700 --> 00:23:54,220 please know that if you tell me 569 00:23:54,220 --> 00:23:57,220 that you don't understand the idea of taking an inventory, 570 00:23:57,220 --> 00:23:59,580 I may laugh not super politely at you 571 00:23:59,580 --> 00:24:03,500 because I know of no way to effectively hustle drinks 572 00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:05,700 without doing a pretty crude inventory 573 00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:07,980 of what I can sell and what I can't sell. 574 00:24:07,980 --> 00:24:10,540 And that's my experience. 575 00:24:10,540 --> 00:24:15,380 And so I know that you're telling the truth when I get here. 576 00:24:15,380 --> 00:24:16,620 And it's the most amazing thing. 577 00:24:16,620 --> 00:24:20,540 I believe this to this day, 32 years later, 578 00:24:20,540 --> 00:24:23,180 I think that in AA, we alcoholics 579 00:24:23,180 --> 00:24:25,700 have an almost magical ability to know 580 00:24:25,700 --> 00:24:27,060 when people are telling us the truth 581 00:24:27,060 --> 00:24:28,780 and when they're laying it on too thick. 582 00:24:28,780 --> 00:24:30,780 I also think sometimes we love it 583 00:24:30,780 --> 00:24:31,900 when people lay it on too thick. 584 00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:33,420 They're telling us what we wanna hear, 585 00:24:33,420 --> 00:24:35,460 but I really feel like we know 586 00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:37,540 when people are being honest with each other 587 00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:39,340 and when we're not being honest with each other. 588 00:24:39,340 --> 00:24:40,860 And I would go to those meetings 589 00:24:40,860 --> 00:24:42,940 and I would hear these crazy New Yorkers 590 00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:44,540 get up and tell the truth. 591 00:24:44,540 --> 00:24:46,900 And again, I just don't come from a background 592 00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:48,580 where people tell the truth. 593 00:24:48,580 --> 00:24:50,620 It's just not my story. 594 00:24:50,620 --> 00:24:52,580 And I was so fascinated. 595 00:24:52,580 --> 00:24:54,300 And I think honestly, more than any, 596 00:24:54,300 --> 00:24:55,980 I think it was sort of that and the cookies 597 00:24:55,980 --> 00:24:58,220 that kept me coming back in the first few weeks. 598 00:24:58,220 --> 00:25:01,820 And I will tell you this, it wasn't that I belonged. 599 00:25:01,820 --> 00:25:03,980 I did not understand immediately 600 00:25:03,980 --> 00:25:05,540 that I belong in alcoholics and alcoholics. 601 00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:07,100 I knew drinking hadn't worked, 602 00:25:07,100 --> 00:25:09,740 but I couldn't figure out what it meant to me in alcoholics. 603 00:25:09,740 --> 00:25:11,980 Here's when I figured out what it meant to me in alcoholics. 604 00:25:11,980 --> 00:25:14,140 When I was a few months sober, 605 00:25:14,140 --> 00:25:16,980 I found it to be a surprise that I was physically sober 606 00:25:16,980 --> 00:25:18,660 and getting more active in AA, 607 00:25:18,660 --> 00:25:20,300 having regular meetings, having commitments, 608 00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:21,380 and I was getting worse. 609 00:25:21,380 --> 00:25:22,460 I was clearly getting worse. 610 00:25:22,460 --> 00:25:24,860 And I knew I was getting worse 'cause I had a bite, 611 00:25:24,860 --> 00:25:27,580 not like a cool of room for a bike, but like a dun, dun, dun, 612 00:25:27,580 --> 00:25:30,740 dun, dun, dun, like a- (all laughing) 613 00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:32,140 Victorine Manhattan on. 614 00:25:32,140 --> 00:25:34,380 And I found that I was taking my bike later and later 615 00:25:34,380 --> 00:25:36,420 and I had more sketchy neighborhoods. 616 00:25:36,420 --> 00:25:39,220 And that's a pretty clear indication 617 00:25:39,220 --> 00:25:42,140 that I was not exactly heading off path to success. 618 00:25:42,140 --> 00:25:43,980 And I couldn't figure it out because I'm sober. 619 00:25:43,980 --> 00:25:47,100 I'm physically sober and I'm showing up at meetings 620 00:25:47,100 --> 00:25:49,100 and I'm fellowshipping and I'm getting worse. 621 00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:51,620 And I did something that I would recommend to anybody. 622 00:25:51,620 --> 00:25:53,420 And it was very hard character. 623 00:25:53,420 --> 00:25:55,060 Here's what I like to do with a problem. 624 00:25:55,060 --> 00:25:56,380 If I have a problem, 625 00:25:56,380 --> 00:25:59,060 I like to go off on my own and solve my problem. 626 00:25:59,060 --> 00:26:00,900 And then I like to sort of put it in a package 627 00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:03,540 and maybe like wrap it with paper and put it on a bow on it 628 00:26:03,540 --> 00:26:05,900 and show you how I solved my problem. 629 00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:08,620 What I really don't wanna do is be vulnerable. 630 00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:10,140 And in the middle of my problem, 631 00:26:10,140 --> 00:26:11,540 acknowledge that I have a problem. 632 00:26:11,540 --> 00:26:13,780 That seems like a bad idea. 633 00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:17,260 And for some reason on a Sunday night, I raised my hand 634 00:26:17,260 --> 00:26:19,780 and I admitted that I was getting worse. 635 00:26:19,780 --> 00:26:21,540 And I described it a little bit. 636 00:26:21,540 --> 00:26:24,460 And that allowed God to work through another alcoholic. 637 00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:27,620 And somebody called me up and they said, "I believe you. 638 00:26:27,620 --> 00:26:29,220 I believe that you're not getting better. 639 00:26:29,220 --> 00:26:30,700 You're not working your steps." 640 00:26:30,700 --> 00:26:34,820 And the person sort of ordered me to get a big book. 641 00:26:34,820 --> 00:26:35,700 I had a big book. 642 00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:37,980 'Cause you know, you go to AA, you get a big book. 643 00:26:37,980 --> 00:26:39,940 I didn't really do much with it, but I had it. 644 00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:42,380 And the person didn't like explain to me how to open the book 645 00:26:42,380 --> 00:26:44,380 and how to find, how to write an inventory. 646 00:26:44,380 --> 00:26:46,340 And that was the inventory. 647 00:26:46,340 --> 00:26:49,100 The person who called me was the vixen on a sofa. 648 00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:50,620 She was really, really hot 649 00:26:50,620 --> 00:26:52,500 and had fantastic boobs. 650 00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:53,900 And I don't care if you're gay or straight. 651 00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:55,180 There's power there. 652 00:26:55,180 --> 00:26:59,300 I thought I was going to get a celebrity friend. 653 00:26:59,300 --> 00:27:02,180 It was the stupidest reason I've ever heard 654 00:27:02,180 --> 00:27:03,500 of running an inventory. 655 00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:04,660 I didn't believe in the process. 656 00:27:04,660 --> 00:27:06,140 I didn't believe that I was really 657 00:27:06,140 --> 00:27:07,260 like an alcoholic like you. 658 00:27:07,260 --> 00:27:09,500 But I believe that I might get like a cool friend 659 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:11,380 if I did what she told me. 660 00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:13,620 And I wrote my inventory and I read it. 661 00:27:13,620 --> 00:27:16,780 And that was the gift of the fistic for me. 662 00:27:16,780 --> 00:27:18,460 More than anything, 663 00:27:18,460 --> 00:27:20,900 somewhere there in reading the fistic I understood 664 00:27:20,900 --> 00:27:22,580 in a way that I hadn't before, 665 00:27:22,580 --> 00:27:24,540 that I drink like you and I think like you 666 00:27:24,540 --> 00:27:25,820 and I'll react like you. 667 00:27:25,820 --> 00:27:28,980 And shortly after I read my fistic, 668 00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:32,260 I had an understanding, something shifted in me. 669 00:27:32,260 --> 00:27:35,460 And I understood that I had my seat in alcoholics. 670 00:27:35,460 --> 00:27:36,700 Up until that point, 671 00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:39,020 I thought you were very nice earnest people 672 00:27:39,020 --> 00:27:41,740 who told heavy stories truthfully, 673 00:27:41,740 --> 00:27:44,540 but I really believe that I was auditing your class 674 00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:47,540 and that if the real alcoholics showed up 675 00:27:47,540 --> 00:27:49,500 and they ran out of seats 'cause you were very polite, 676 00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:50,660 you would come to me politely and go, 677 00:27:50,660 --> 00:27:52,740 "Alan, it's been really nice having you here, 678 00:27:52,740 --> 00:27:54,900 "but you're not really a part of this. 679 00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:57,300 "We need the seat for a real member." 680 00:27:57,300 --> 00:28:00,500 And then I did my fistic and I understood 681 00:28:00,500 --> 00:28:03,180 that I earned my seat and I own my seat. 682 00:28:03,180 --> 00:28:04,900 And that's not gone away. 683 00:28:04,900 --> 00:28:08,380 I moved out here in '93. 684 00:28:08,380 --> 00:28:10,900 I've been out here for coming up on 30 years 685 00:28:10,900 --> 00:28:12,900 and I love California serenity. 686 00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,100 I wanna also say I didn't love it when I first got here. 687 00:28:15,100 --> 00:28:18,060 It was too organized, you had too many traditions 688 00:28:18,060 --> 00:28:22,180 and things and people, names that, 689 00:28:22,180 --> 00:28:24,060 no one gave you a cheat sheet of the names. 690 00:28:24,060 --> 00:28:27,700 You were supposed to know these people, blah, blah, blah. 691 00:28:27,700 --> 00:28:28,780 And now I love it. 692 00:28:28,780 --> 00:28:30,420 And by which I say, for many of us, 693 00:28:30,420 --> 00:28:31,460 if we stay sober long enough, 694 00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:32,580 we're gonna wind up somewhere else. 695 00:28:32,580 --> 00:28:35,380 And I think my experience is actually fairly common 696 00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:38,620 that as much as I could take inventory 697 00:28:38,620 --> 00:28:40,300 of where I got sober, the moment I left it, 698 00:28:40,300 --> 00:28:43,100 it was perfect and everything else fell short. 699 00:28:43,100 --> 00:28:46,180 And it took me a while to understand how great we have it 700 00:28:46,180 --> 00:28:48,020 here in Los Angeles. 701 00:28:48,020 --> 00:28:50,300 I feel like we have wonderful, wonderful recovery 702 00:28:50,300 --> 00:28:51,460 and wonderful meetings. 703 00:28:51,460 --> 00:28:53,900 And it's just been a real blessing. 704 00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:58,900 I got sober in 1990 in the, here's what I'll say, 705 00:28:58,900 --> 00:29:01,900 this recent experience we've all been going through, 706 00:29:01,900 --> 00:29:04,940 it's not my first pandemic in sobriety. 707 00:29:04,940 --> 00:29:09,940 When I got sober, AIDS was really active in New York 708 00:29:10,900 --> 00:29:15,380 and to my great shame, I was trying so many really noble 709 00:29:15,380 --> 00:29:18,580 people who were trying so hard to be sober and stay alive 710 00:29:18,580 --> 00:29:19,660 and they were failing. 711 00:29:19,660 --> 00:29:22,020 And I couldn't care less about being alive. 712 00:29:22,020 --> 00:29:23,420 And I was healthy as an ox. 713 00:29:23,420 --> 00:29:26,980 I didn't have it, don't have it. 714 00:29:26,980 --> 00:29:29,460 I knew they were better than I was. 715 00:29:29,460 --> 00:29:33,700 I would have fought with you if you had said 716 00:29:33,700 --> 00:29:36,580 that AIDS was like a judgment or like this, 717 00:29:36,580 --> 00:29:39,100 but I treated it like it was a judgment. 718 00:29:39,100 --> 00:29:41,260 I treated it like, how could I not have it? 719 00:29:41,260 --> 00:29:43,340 'Cause I'm so bad and they're so good. 720 00:29:43,340 --> 00:29:46,580 And it took me a long time to work through that. 721 00:29:46,580 --> 00:29:49,100 And it took me a long time, frankly mostly just by learning 722 00:29:49,100 --> 00:29:50,980 that in A, I can be of service to other people. 723 00:29:50,980 --> 00:29:53,620 I don't need to figure it all out, I just need to be helpful 724 00:29:53,620 --> 00:29:56,100 and a lot of things sort of themselves out. 725 00:29:56,100 --> 00:30:00,340 But what I really came to believe was that I was gonna have 726 00:30:00,340 --> 00:30:04,780 a very small life, that I was just gonna be like a noble 727 00:30:04,780 --> 00:30:05,900 example of suffering. 728 00:30:05,900 --> 00:30:09,260 And there are people in AA who like, they tell great, funny 729 00:30:09,260 --> 00:30:11,220 stories about life not amounting to much. 730 00:30:11,220 --> 00:30:13,220 And that was what I was gonna aspire to. 731 00:30:13,220 --> 00:30:15,500 Here's what I wanna tell you if you're new. 732 00:30:15,500 --> 00:30:18,500 We don't get to pick in my experience, the lives that we get 733 00:30:18,500 --> 00:30:22,180 in AA, God, higher power, whatever it is, something bigger 734 00:30:22,180 --> 00:30:25,380 than us sort of maps the course of our lives. 735 00:30:25,380 --> 00:30:29,300 And for all of my determination to be a brilliant example 736 00:30:29,300 --> 00:30:34,140 of cleverly and gracefully like living a very small life, 737 00:30:34,140 --> 00:30:36,940 God has seen fit to give me a very big life. 738 00:30:36,940 --> 00:30:39,860 I got these children, they're mine. 739 00:30:39,860 --> 00:30:44,860 And I've raised a family in sobriety and my son turned 18 740 00:30:44,860 --> 00:30:47,700 in March and he's going off to college in August. 741 00:30:47,700 --> 00:30:50,780 And it's not even just that, I've been in the Pacific group 742 00:30:50,780 --> 00:30:54,180 the whole time, there are people who came to the baby show 743 00:30:54,180 --> 00:30:57,700 who now are like watching my son go off to college. 744 00:30:57,700 --> 00:31:00,460 It is my victory to a certain degree, but it's really, 745 00:31:00,460 --> 00:31:01,900 it's like my home group's victory. 746 00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:04,580 I've gotten to be a part of something amazing. 747 00:31:04,580 --> 00:31:08,020 I started a company and I don't get to have a story 748 00:31:08,020 --> 00:31:11,380 about how it failed and like, you know, how funny I am. 749 00:31:11,380 --> 00:31:13,700 Like it worked, I don't, it's crazy. 750 00:31:13,700 --> 00:31:18,220 I've always loved the stories, the Clint Hodges stories 751 00:31:18,220 --> 00:31:19,980 of like starting off in a garage 752 00:31:19,980 --> 00:31:21,500 and winding up being a lawyer. 753 00:31:21,500 --> 00:31:22,820 I never thought I would have that. 754 00:31:22,820 --> 00:31:26,660 My kids going to deep, my daughters are at Marlboro. 755 00:31:26,660 --> 00:31:30,660 Like I'm like a conventional boring middle-class, 756 00:31:30,660 --> 00:31:35,660 middle-aged person having an amazing life in recovery. 757 00:31:35,660 --> 00:31:37,700 I don't know how that happened. 758 00:31:37,700 --> 00:31:41,340 I literally know that I didn't sign up for that. 759 00:31:41,340 --> 00:31:43,180 I know what I signed up for. 760 00:31:43,180 --> 00:31:46,060 It was much like smaller and I was going to show 761 00:31:46,060 --> 00:31:48,060 how the steps could work through adversity. 762 00:31:48,060 --> 00:31:50,540 And by the way, maybe that's the next chapter. 763 00:31:50,540 --> 00:31:53,340 There's, I mean, it's a kind of a Ferris wheel 764 00:31:53,340 --> 00:31:54,500 on my observation. 765 00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:56,060 So if I come back in a year or two 766 00:31:56,060 --> 00:32:00,060 maybe I'll have a great story about when I was flying high. 767 00:32:00,060 --> 00:32:02,340 But, you know, and we laugh because it's funny 768 00:32:02,340 --> 00:32:04,020 but I'll tell you something else. 769 00:32:04,020 --> 00:32:05,260 You won't throw me away. 770 00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:07,260 Like that's the amazing thing. 771 00:32:07,260 --> 00:32:09,420 We can live whatever lives we're living in alcohol. 772 00:32:09,420 --> 00:32:11,780 It's anonymous and we don't throw each other away. 773 00:32:11,780 --> 00:32:12,980 That's beautiful. 774 00:32:12,980 --> 00:32:16,100 That's not, in my observation, how a lot of life works. 775 00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:18,740 I got involved in politics 776 00:32:18,740 --> 00:32:21,020 because I was somebody who was always complaining 777 00:32:21,020 --> 00:32:24,820 about politics and when I said, I've never run for office 778 00:32:24,820 --> 00:32:29,820 but if you don't lie and get busted and stuff like that 779 00:32:30,340 --> 00:32:31,940 for like a couple of decades 780 00:32:31,940 --> 00:32:33,740 you become appointable to things. 781 00:32:33,740 --> 00:32:36,260 And so I keep getting appointed to things 782 00:32:36,260 --> 00:32:38,180 and I've been a planning commissioner 783 00:32:38,180 --> 00:32:40,500 and I've been a pension fund trustee. 784 00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:43,140 These are positions of trust in the community. 785 00:32:43,140 --> 00:32:45,700 And in every situation, I just, I don't know 786 00:32:45,700 --> 00:32:48,540 if I'll close this, but I'm close to closing. 787 00:32:48,540 --> 00:32:51,100 I have maintained an element of surprise 788 00:32:51,100 --> 00:32:55,260 because as a Midwesterner, I do it in a low deadpan way 789 00:32:55,260 --> 00:32:56,620 but I tell the truth. 790 00:32:56,620 --> 00:32:59,260 And in politics, literally to my observation 791 00:32:59,260 --> 00:33:02,660 no one is ever expecting you to tell the truth. 792 00:33:02,660 --> 00:33:06,580 So I will literally say exactly what I'm going to be doing 793 00:33:06,580 --> 00:33:08,700 and then still surprise people when I do it 794 00:33:08,700 --> 00:33:10,820 because they don't think like anyone would ever 795 00:33:10,820 --> 00:33:13,460 actually really reveal what they are. 796 00:33:13,460 --> 00:33:14,300 You've taught me. 797 00:33:14,300 --> 00:33:16,580 You've taught me to just live life honestly 798 00:33:16,580 --> 00:33:20,140 and to trust God, clean house, help others. 799 00:33:20,140 --> 00:33:21,420 It is time for me to wrap up. 800 00:33:21,420 --> 00:33:23,740 I occasionally have a very snappy closing. 801 00:33:23,740 --> 00:33:25,580 I'm just not feeling it tonight. 802 00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:30,820 - You've been a wonderful, listen, it's a weird day. 803 00:33:30,820 --> 00:33:34,780 You know, I watched your friend bury a child today. 804 00:33:34,780 --> 00:33:38,580 You know, I wish that I could tell you after 32 years 805 00:33:38,580 --> 00:33:41,380 that I'm not capable of spending way too much time 806 00:33:41,380 --> 00:33:43,620 thinking about little petty problems in my life 807 00:33:43,620 --> 00:33:46,740 even though that I know how much I have to be grateful for 808 00:33:46,740 --> 00:33:49,700 and how there are people having real problems in life. 809 00:33:49,700 --> 00:33:51,460 It's just been a weird day 810 00:33:51,460 --> 00:33:53,540 but it would have been a weird day no matter what. 811 00:33:53,540 --> 00:33:57,140 And because I'm sober, I can be more helpful to my friend 812 00:33:57,140 --> 00:33:57,980 because I'm sober. 813 00:33:57,980 --> 00:34:00,540 I don't have to run away and go, sorry, you lost your kid. 814 00:34:00,540 --> 00:34:02,340 But now I need to pretend that you don't exist 815 00:34:02,340 --> 00:34:04,740 because it just hurts too much to be around you. 816 00:34:04,740 --> 00:34:05,980 I'm very capable of that. 817 00:34:05,980 --> 00:34:09,740 What I can do now is I can, you know, I can show up 818 00:34:09,740 --> 00:34:11,980 and I can send a note and I can send a text 819 00:34:11,980 --> 00:34:14,740 and next week I can send a meal over, you know, 820 00:34:14,740 --> 00:34:18,420 like it's crappy and what a crappy thing to have happen. 821 00:34:18,420 --> 00:34:21,740 But I also want to tell you like my son's going to college. 822 00:34:21,740 --> 00:34:25,820 You know, I got some goats on my farm this week. 823 00:34:25,820 --> 00:34:28,900 Like literally, I have that sense of euphemism. 824 00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:31,420 As we said, you know, life's in session. 825 00:34:31,420 --> 00:34:35,540 Next time, give me a cheat sheet, folks. 826 00:34:35,540 --> 00:34:37,460 I'm really grateful for the opportunity to speak. 827 00:34:37,460 --> 00:34:38,940 We've been a wonderful audience. 828 00:34:38,940 --> 00:34:43,220 I hope we all wake up sober tomorrow and have a good day. 829 00:34:43,220 --> 00:34:44,380 Thanks for listening.