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 Thank you very much. I think I did that right right? Yes. Yeah okay. My name is Joey and I am an

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 alcoholic. Thank you so much for sharing Bill. That was nice to hear. I haven't heard you in years.

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 That was great. Well thank you. And welcome to the newcomers and I happy birthday even though

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 I'm there okay. Anyways um okay is my time up yet? No? Um so here's the deal. I am an alcoholic and

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 I call myself an alcoholic because uh I have the disease of addiction and um and I I don't

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 differentiate uh my addiction comes in so many different forms it's ridiculous. So uh whatever

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 I do I do it alcoholically and therefore I am an alcoholic. But you know as as you were talking

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 recently I got asked to be the co-chair of my 50th high school reunion right? Go figure you do the

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 math. Okay and um I remember for some reason I remembered a vivid memory of um you know when I

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 was in when I was in high school it was a hundred years ago actually um and uh you know we were we

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 were hippies and we invented drugs and um and we did and it was a good time I gotta tell you. And

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 uh so um I I suffer from ADD and in my day we didn't have initials for my my disorder. We had

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 dumb stupid and slow is what we had. There's a lot of shame um that goes along with dumb stupid and

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 slow and I couldn't tell my classmates that I don't get it it was and I can't tell you what

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 they said and um I would try to focus and I couldn't do it I would try to read and I couldn't

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 comprehend and uh life was really difficult for me especially because I couldn't tell you I don't

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 get it I couldn't do that because then you'd know and then you'd think I was dumb stupid and slow

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 so I would act as if. But one day some kid came up to me and um and he said here try this and uh

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 so he put this little white pill in in my hand with a little cross on the back of it I put it

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 on my tongue and in about an hour where's the classroom what do you want me to do I got through

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 three years of high school in an hour and a half it was amazing and that little white pill turned

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 out to be um what we know today as methamphetamine and um and you see I'm a really cheap date I'm I'm

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 I'm a little thing and uh it doesn't take much. So I remember you know I was I was always on edge

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 eh and uh just always wired and just out of it and so one night uh I snuck out and I went to a party

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 and they had alcohol and this alcohol I was told would take the edge off and you see it wasn't that

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 I needed the edge taken off or anything except for that I wanted you to like me I wanted to be a part

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 of this thing I wanted to be able to fit in and sort of go under the radar so I started drinking

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 again I'm a cheap date it does not take much you know I can see a commercial for for liquor and and

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 you know sort of wobble away it just doesn't take much and I remember everybody was getting really

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 wasted and really drunk and um I was starting to feel a bit tipsy myself but suddenly there's a

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 bang on the door it's the police department the entire west side of the police department is like

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 at the front door and everybody's stammering like like cockroaches and I remember I'm not getting

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 caught this way uh-uh and I I went over the wall landed on a rose bush that was a drag about a week

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 later I'm like infected with thorns and um and that was my first uh experience being um a little

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 tipsy a little intoxicated and I quickly knew that alcohol was not my drug of choice it just wasn't

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 and um because I I don't like feeling out of control I don't like um you know I again I'm

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 too little to drink and the room does this and and it just doesn't agree with me but I don't like I

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 don't like the way the world looks over you know the world's dark sober the world is is dirty sober

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 so I gotta do something about this little dilemma and so uh life went on and you know and I would I

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 would try various things wasn't happening and I always go back to alcohol because it was so

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 accepted so everybody's doing it kind of thing and and um just to be a part of this whole trip

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 I'm gonna do it too so uh long story short uh when I when I was in the 12th grade um the drugs

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 and the alcohol is not agreeing with this little girl and uh it's starting to affect me physically

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 and so I just stopped what's that about I just stopped and that wasn't okay with me so I gotta

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 find something so in those days you know we would if you kicked something out that was um growing

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 out of the earth and put it on your tongue you're gonna get off and uh so I I found organics and I

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 found God and um and I found uh hallucinations and all kinds of wonderful things and and now I'm

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 a hippie and I've got to go and I've got to go to Topanga and um and to meet some of these rock stars

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 those Neil Youngs and those Joni Mitchells that I aspire to be don't you know so I stuck out my

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 thumb I ended up in Canada go feature I went I went a little bit too north and um and I stayed

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 and I stayed for a long time and um it was it was hippie heaven it really was and um and nobody was

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 um nobody was taking any of those synthetic drugs we were all like like just you know we would paint

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 pictures of Jesus with LSD and eat the hand of God and we were all happy and uh and I can't begin to

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 tell you how life went on life went on just really wonderfully you know everything was colorful and

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 peace love and wherever my backpack was was where I was sleeping that night and it was all good and

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 one day I went to a hippie dippy fair and I met this guy and we were both peeking on LSD and I

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 really could have sworn that I was in love but I wasn't I was peeking on LSD and um and so I said I do

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 and we did and I wasn't it was not right and I woke up and uh-oh what have I done and uh what

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 that marriage got me was an immigration I became a Canadian immigrant but um it for some reason he

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 was a drug dealer and I just stopped again it's all good and I uh stayed that way I stayed stopped

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 for a long long time but this person that I married um he taught me how to you know it was

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 great he was a drug dealer so I could call my family we're Jewish and I called my family I said

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 I've married a doctor and they were happy right great and uh so life went on and I had this man

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 was very abusive and um and one day I I just packed up my brown bag and I stuck my thumb out

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 again and I came back down to uh California and I was going to just stay for a week really honest

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 I was but I ended up seeing for a long long time and uh so I had to go to work now I'm a singer by

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 by the gift of God um my music is my thing and um and I've over the years in and out I've made

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 my living singing and um in various clubs and things like this and uh so so uh got a job in

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 Santa Monica canyon as a waitress and I start I would sing as I was waiting on tables and I

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 became known as the singing waitress and people started coming to see me sing and um and to wait

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 on them and it was really fun and one night somebody said to me one of my co-workers so

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 what do you want to do tonight now I hadn't used drugs or alcohol in a long long time and I said

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 I don't know what do you say we get I don't know a gram of cocaine what do you say okay well that

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 was the beginning of the end and uh so uh it got really bad and I started drinking because uh

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 because I had to take the edge off and you y'all were dancing and doing disco and snorting a lot of

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 coke and and everybody was happy and um and I got a little bit too happy and uh and the parent figure

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 in there ended up intervening one more time and put me in um in those days we didn't have rehabs

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 we had hospitals so they put me in St. John's hospital uh to the CDC unit chemical dependency

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 unit okay so uh I have not had a drink since January 20th 1983 because I went to this place

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 and um and they scared the crap out of me when they told me about the effects of alcohol boy

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 did they scare me and I'm not touching that stuff again uh-uh and and thank you god I haven't um but

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 you see again um reality started set in I don't like reality I don't like reality at all I can't

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 I don't function well in reality you know I'm I'm the one that they always say we have to let you go

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 I can't keep a job I can't I just I'm not good that way I'm still ADD and so I had to find

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 something and so I found um other substances big time I found other substances now now here's the

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 deal I really tried to make it out in in the real world I really did you know um but I ended up

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 getting a job in a nightclub singing all night long and um and uh waiting on tables all day long

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 and so crevasse went very well with that and uh yeah and a little cash a little bit of bloke and

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 you're good to go okay and so I would sing till two o'clock in the morning I'd come home with a

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 bottle of crevasse I'd sit in the in the bathtub write music drink and I'd do it all again the

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 next day and I'm I'm burnt out and um but I'm keeping it up and I kept it up for a long time

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 anyways uh that's a very expensive way to live and again I I ended up going into rehab and um so

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 I had to figure out a way that I could keep this uh drug thing going on because yeah I like the

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 drugs and um and so my boss came to me and he said listen do you think you could get me a little bit

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 of that stuff that you've been doing sure give me give me some money and he said and don't tell my

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 wife okay and so I did and his wife came to me and she said listen you think you could get me

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 a little bit of that stuff that you've been doing and I said well yeah give me some money she said

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 but don't tell my husband well turns out I could do the math okay I've got this much money here

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 I've got this much money here my husband was a drug dealer he taught me how to do okay and hence

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 there I was I had an occupation suddenly I had I I actually had my own self-employed job and um

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 and I really wanted to be the CEO of me and I became a really good I I did well I did very

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 well and um and it became my addiction the power the um the uh you know I wanted I needed so badly

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 to be needed and suddenly you needed me suddenly I I was in charge of my own reality and um my life

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 went on like that for a long long time now I could get into some of the um war stories I don't like

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 to romance this I don't like to romance the stone but I gotta tell you um I lived that life that

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 some of you go see movies about I um I lived that life I was always on the edge I I yeah I spent a

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 lot of time um if I if I wasn't on the edge of life I was taking up too much room on one side

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 or another you see because I like that I'm a I'm a rush junkie I need I need to constantly have that

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 and because I'm a singer I um I ended up um getting quite the clientele and and I spent very

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 good part of my life in in music studios and I I became um that person that uh you know to the

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 stars that that person that was me and um and I was very lucky you know uh I I was constantly

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 looking over my shoulder to see who was following me but I was very very lucky and I lived this

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 really I gotta tell you I wish I could tell you that my life was horrible and that I slept with

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 people that I didn't want to sleep with just so what they could give me and all that stuff but

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 that's not my story I didn't do that I made sure I was uh I was very self-supported in my own

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 contributions and um and and I it was exciting it was exciting and I had decided that if I had to

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 die that way that was okay with me because my family had died at that point um my parents left

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 the planet a long time ago and um my brother I don't think he really cared much I don't think

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 anybody really cared much and I certainly didn't care about you you know I was me me it's it's

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 about me don't you know and my universe was totally together I didn't need I didn't need a

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 husband or anything like that you know I'll tell you something um my my occupation and my my my

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 habit kept me so together in my universe I didn't use a blanket for 10 years I didn't need one she

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 kept me warm I didn't need food anymore she kept me fit I didn't need uh another human being that

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 really uh really interrupt my reality I certainly didn't need a child because a child would

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 interfere with my with my disease I didn't need anything I just didn't need anything but there's

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 this thing about existing on the planet apparently we need to breathe and I physically I had started

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 to um really physically I was not well I couldn't I could hardly breathe anymore I couldn't sing

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 anymore and um and uh my voice was like this all the time and um but I was willing to sacrifice

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 the only gift I've ever been given by the grace of God and music had to go because she kept me warm

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 and it would have been okay but I knew the end was coming and I really didn't uh I really tried

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 to get clean throughout the years I really really did um I started in 83 going in and out of these

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 rooms I loved Alcoholics Anonymous but I couldn't stay I I apologize but I just couldn't stay don't

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 you know I had things I had to do I went uh I ended up getting in trouble I think in 1994

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 they sentenced me to rehab so I went to cry help and cry help I stayed at cry help for six and a

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 half months and I really really did try honest I did I just couldn't stay I had things to do

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 you know uh they call them they call them relapses I call them lapses I had lapses in time of my

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 sobriety and uh about 10 years went by after cry help and um I was getting in trouble I was

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 finally getting tired and I was finally falling asleep and not being as awake as I should be

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 and not being as on guard as I should be and I started getting arrested and I got arrested

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 one night in front of the police department I just passed right out you know in front of the

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 police department and uh so that was God uh intervening in my life because you see I couldn't

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 do it on my own and I certainly couldn't make it to these rooms on my own because I have things I

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 gotta do don't you know and um and so they they arrested me I I used to like going to um local

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 jails it's a wonderful place to detox um especially Santa Monica it's quiet good burritos it's all good

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 and nobody's bothering you in those in those local jails until they decide to take you down to county

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 we're not doing that today so I bailed out of there and about a month went by and uh I was

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 tired I was just getting tired and I wasn't thinking and I was driving recklessly and I had

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 just uh picked up um some illegal substances and uh and um I was on my way home and the police

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 weren't going to let me get home not today and so one more time I'm arrested and uh I go to the

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 Van Nuys jail horrible horrible jail if anybody's even contemplating going to the Van Nuys jail

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 please get arrested someplace else it's the worst place in the world so I bailed out of there

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 immediately now I'm pending on two cases okay so about a month later and my court date's coming up

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 and I'm thinking to myself you know I really should turn myself in careful what you wish for

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 and uh so the following day um I broke my own rules I stayed up all night that night and um

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 and I was at the Lowe's hotel and somebody called and they wanted something so I went downstairs

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 I did my thing and um I'm looking up kind of like Deborah Carr was in an affair to remember

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 I was looking up I was looking at you Donna and um and I was because I needed to get back upstairs

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 because the magic was wearing off and my medicine was upstairs and uh and I stepped off the curb and

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 I didn't look and I'm walking across the street and I decided it's time to look and I was crossing

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 in front of a police a policeman and I knew at that moment that I remember like yesterday I looked up

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 and I said well I just don't think I'm gonna get loaded tonight and I very like slow motion I put

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 my hands behind my back and I walked and I went and sat down on that curb and I waited for those

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 gentlemen to come and change my life and they did they changed my life and uh that was almost 16

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 years ago that was September 1 2006 and I've never had to get loaded since because I uh I got five

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 years in prison for that uh it was about time it was about time for God to finally intervene and

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 do for me what I could not do for myself when I tell you I couldn't quit I couldn't quit I I

167
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 wouldn't quit there was no reason for me to ever get out of bed if I didn't have something to get

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 out of bed for so I made sure that I always had what kept me warm and suddenly I wasn't going to

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 have that and um when I they never gave me any kind of uh set bail because at that point I was

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 a wanted criminal and um so I went away and um and I had decided you know I'm a nice Jewish girl from

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 from Beverly Hills we don't go to prison don't you know and we certainly if we do go to prison don't

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 really know how to act I'm not the big time gangster that I thought I was I just not I'm a

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 little nice Jewish girl so I decided that I wasn't going to use drugs or or alcohol in um in prison

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 and everybody else is everybody else is they're they're either making pruno or um they're

175
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 sneaking something I don't know but I'm not getting caught up in the mix and for some reason I decided

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 my life is going to change now and you see nothing changed this is what I know about alcoholism and

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 addiction this is what I do know that alcohol and and addiction in any way shape or form has

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 nothing to do with the substance itself nothing it's what this tells me to do about all the stuff

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 that I need this for and if if this doesn't change in between here then this is not going

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 to change either because I'm in pain I'm uncomfortable I don't know how to do this

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 life thing that you want me to do so when you when you leave in prison they um they hand you money

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 they hand you 200 at the gate so my headset now you have to understand I've been clean all this

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 time right nothing in my system but where am I headed I'm headed to the bus depot to get loaded

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 because I'm going to find somebody with an accent there it can change my life okay and as I'm

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 leaving this is how I know that god god has had a plan for me even even in the depths of my um

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 my addiction I I know that I know that everything that I did this life of mine has been all for one

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 reason and that is to be here at this this table right here and right now and the reason I know

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 that is because as I was leaving this godforsaken prison um the co said to me see you next week

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 because that's what it is that's the recidivism that goes on there and I looked at him I said no

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 no you won't no and as I'm leaving one somebody said to me how's about we make you a deal I love

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 that word deal so uh I said okay what how's about you go to rehab you're a drug offender how's about

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 you go to rehab and um and we'll make you we'll let you off a parole early oh okay like I had

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 anywhere else to go and uh so I went I went to the Claire Foundation it's in Santa Monica and as far

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 as I'm concerned it's heaven on earth because the Claire Foundation gives you tons of rope and they

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 say go ahead hang yourself but they also give you this beautiful guidance to to these places that

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 you have to make a decision whether you want to hang yourself or not and every day one day at a

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 time um it was slowly but surely seeping in that maybe I don't want to hang myself maybe I do want

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 to change maybe I never want to go back to that horrible place called prison prison's a horrible

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 place I learned how to make mascara out of coffee I don't care okay I don't care I don't care how

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 to do half the shit that I learned how to do in prison right and so I I decided that perhaps uh

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 there was something else for me and one day something happened to me where they threatened

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 to take me back upstate and I know that I hadn't been listening to everything everybody was saying

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 because you see I think there's two people that live within us and and this this person is saying

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 okay let's do this but this person back here is going can you just come over here are you sure you

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 really and and that's what was happening and so I wasn't really I was doing all the moves I was uh

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 you know going to meetings and being of service and doing whatever I had to do and saying okay

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 okay and and then in the back of my head I was flipping everybody off and full of hatred and not

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 saying the prayers and not doing the do I just didn't want to go back to prison and uh I went

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 they sent me to this place that said um uh they they do this intake thing and they uh did um a

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 questionnaire and I found myself speaking of God who knew and they said you can't talk about that

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 here don't you know where you're you're in a behavioral modification uh place and I'm like

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 well this is what I know this is what I've been listening to this is what I'm you know

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 God God God God God and they said well then you have to go and there I was downtown Los Angeles

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 with a plastic bag full of my belongings I could have crossed the street and gotten loaded or I

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 could make a phone call and I made that phone call and um I asked my friend can you actually I called

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 my brother can you pick me up he hated my guts at this point like gee many crickets you are just the

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 worst sister I could have ever had but anyways he picked me up he dropped me off at my friend's house

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 my friend who had quite a bit of time under his belt and he let me sleep on his couch nobody was

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 happy to see me at this point you must understand and um he took me to my parole officer's uh

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 office in the morning and um as I'm sitting in that office she says if you don't get yourself

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 into a program within the next 24 hours we are sending a black and white to take you back up

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 state and the phone rang and it was the claire foundation and they asked if she had seen me and

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 she said yes she's sitting right here and they said well then bring her home we made a mistake

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 and I said no my hands went up I fell to the ground and that was my moment that was my moment

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 of sadness that's when I started to be like the dog on the dash okay okay okay what do you want

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 me to do and that like I said is I'm coming up to 16 years and I've been like the dog on the dash

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 ever since and what sobriety has brought me is a life that I uh waited many years to have and it

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 was always in the plan I I just needed to do all this other stuff in order to be the person that I

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 get to be today and what happened for me is when you're an ex-con nobody wants to hire you and so

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 they um I was uh telemarketing god for it's just the worst telemarketing and they they had garnished

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 my wages I was living on 175 dollars a week and are you do you know who I am what and I'm taking

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 the bus I don't think so and um and so I I would do that every single day and life became hell

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 and I had the weekends off and I remember like it was yesterday um one of those weekends I thought

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 maybe I'll go back to one of those meetings and the bus went right by license sessions that's what

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 it did it was and I didn't have to walk very far and they let me off right there and that's I

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 to go to that uh louise and um sherman way is where I started to go and it was a woman's meeting

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 in the morning and um they saved my life they didn't judge me I had I had my hair was half

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 gray and half red and I didn't change my clothes very often because I had been in prison blues for

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 so long and I I just didn't know how to live I just didn't know how and you guys taught me you

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 guys taught me how to live one day at a time and I'm very grateful for that um I I didn't end up

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 staying with um um well actually it was quality of life and um that too and um but I kept coming yay

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 I just kept coming back because you you had um you had the answer for me and so um I remember

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 Laurie maybe you guys don't know you remember Laurie hey she got me into H&I and that was a

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 very good move Laura um and I've been with H&I uh what for 13 years now and Laurie told me about uh

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 school she told me that she was in school and I thought yeah they don't know who I am an add I

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 can't I can't draw a straight line but maybe just maybe because it's the only thing I know about

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 I know about addiction maybe I can carry that message okay so I decided I might go to school

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 but I I nearly mentioned it to somebody she and I said but I can't go I don't know how to enroll

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 and she got out of computer and she enrolled me oh that part well I can't go because um I'll never

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 find a parking place if you remember I didn't have a car oh and that part I can't go because that

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 that campus is so big and so she put me in the car and she walked me around that campus

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 six times that day so that I knew where every bathroom was everything and today I'm on the

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 foundation of Pierce College don't you know and um and so I decided well I guess I have to go to

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 school and so I went to school and it just blew my mind because that first class at the end of the day

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 it suddenly dawned on me that I knew more at the end of the day than I did at the beginning of the

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 day and if you'll remember I'm a rush junkie and that gave me a rush and so I got strung out on

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 going to school and I stayed in school for seven years don't you know and I have letters behind my

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 name today and um and I am able to uh carry the message in such a way that um I work for cry help

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 and uh and I I get to go to work every single day and I get to be with people that on their first

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 day they don't know that they want this thing and then on the 90th day I watch miracles I literally

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 thank you god I get to watch miracles with my own two eyes and uh you see this life that I have

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 today was who knew that it was so worth waiting for I got I got sober at 52 years old I went back

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 to school at 57 years old I'm coming up I'm almost 70 years old now and um and I feel like I'm 12 I

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 mean how does that happen how does it happen that this little girl can can be so fortunate that I

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 get to do what I get to do on a daily basis and all they ask me to do is work these 12 little steps

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 call this woman that her name is sponsor go uh to meetings reach out this hand even when this hand

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 isn't feeling so good carry the message bring books to people who knew who knew that this is

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 what I had to go through the you know that I had to um go through this incredible life that I've had

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 who knew you know if you feel an earthquake it's because my parents roll over in their graves every

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 once in a while and and think mazel tov you know they're amazed and I'm amazed I'm amazed on a

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 daily basis you know I don't get out of my bed until um I say my third step prayer I just I'm

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 too scared I'm not gonna do it I say my third step prayer and I ask god please please let me

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 be tolerant today let me be patient let me have an open mind and let me be free of judgment because

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 judging is my favorite sport and uh it just is and I'm sorry I think it's all of our favorite sports

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 and nobody's going to say anything about it but I'm going to tell you I love to judge but I don't

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 get to tell you that's what the difference is today I can think whatever I want to think I can

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 be whatever I want to be but you don't have to know about it the greatest compliment I get is um

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 you you are an ex-convict yes I am my name is Joni and I'm an alcoholic thank you for letting me share