I'm Debbie and I'm an alcoholic. Hello and happy birthday Lori and thanks for your share. Good
share. I'm so Debbie I'm an alcoholic and I live in Prosper, Texas and my sobriety date is January
26th of 98 and I tell you that because I didn't bother getting the sobriety date when I came in
and also it's a custom here in Texas. They did it and I thought they were very arrogant for years
and now I do it it rolls out but I had tried to get into this sobriety and program early 80s and
I just could never get any traction. I you know my doing not the programs and so when I had to come
to AA again in 98 I just came for a while to hang out with y'all. I wasn't an alcoholic didn't plan
on staying. I just needed to stop drinking for a while and you guys were a large group of people
not drinking so I was going to come out come in and hang out with you okay and it was probably
right at six months one of the gals goes because I never got a chip either I was trying to draw
no attention I wore stringy hair in front of my face and a big puffy coat and I you know just came
into the meetings and she's like you've been here for a while you know how long have you been sober
and I'm like I don't have any idea well when's the last time you drank I'm like Super Bowl Sunday so
we figured out when that was because that was like right before Google so we had to actually kind of
dig and investigate and so the day after is my sobriety day and that little group there they
brought me a half a cake because it was my half year anniversary and a card and it just astounded
me that anybody cared that I was sober and that they had noticed that I'd been coming to that
group I had you know I'm trying to hide I'm trying to be invisible I'm just trying to do this
and that's kind of when I really kind of joined the program you know I'll start at the beginning
of my story I was born in Kansas I'm an only child I'm an only granddaughter and I'm the first
granddaughter on the other side so I was just spoiled rotten and all my grandparents live in
the same little town as me and I've got great aunts they live to be like 98 and they're twins
Vera and Virgie you know everybody in this little town of 10,000 people pretty much knew one side of
the family or something and so I just grew up and you know I thought I was special you know I was
a happy child I was you know loved adored we went camping I had a dog you know I played with barbies
I mean it was really normal had a bike you know played and you know I actually was thinking about
talking today and I'm pretty sure I finally nailed my first drink you know and it was we'd went up to
Illinois to a cousin's wedding and I was going to be the flower girl I was about 13 and the husband
or the husband-to-be was working that night and so her and I were supposed to be doing ride things
or something or rather but we went got drunk and we're riding around because I'm a kid right and I
remember we had to keep going to the liquor store and it was a drive-through liquor store which is
like what is what a famous idea you know too drunk to walk drive through but so we had to keep
replenishing it way back then you know and I I can remember us picking him up from work and I'm drunk
in the back seat prone still talking you know it's hard to shut me up nowadays but I'm pretty sure
that was my first drunk you know and so when it came to high school drinking I you know I jumped
in with both feet you know it seemed fun it seemed like what the cool kids were doing I wasn't real
sure how to be cool I was just trying to kind of fit in and have fun and you know it didn't seem
seemed very harmless and I just assumed that I would grow out of this you know my parent my
grandparents have been married 78 years when they passed my parents are working on 62 years
I mean I just figured I would get married and live happily ever after I didn't know there was really
much much else going on um I've been married what I've heard people say is that I can say several
times because it's over four so I'll just go several times okay and um and I had no idea what
ended in divorce it wasn't my plan I mean it was a big wedding four people on each side you know
big flower girls I mean the whole it didn't last six months you know and I um found another boy
and I ran off with him while I had family visiting me and my new husband right and um I left him to
take care of them I don't know that I ever went home I'm not the early 80s are pretty much a blur
but um that that is the selfish self-centeredness that I ended up being where I thought I was loved
safe protected in a family you know and within just months I'd changed you know and I'm now um
I moved to the big city you guys will laugh it's Tulsa, Tulsa, Oklahoma and I just thought I could
get lost down there because there were so many people and I would just be able to go down there
and do whatever I want and nobody would find out I'd never get caught um just my big plan right
and when when I grow up you know 20 something but when I grow up I'll just grow out of this
and then I'll get back to this little white picket fence pork swing kind of lifestyle I mean that was
that was what I really expected to happen um but at that point the um the car crashes and the
DUIs and you know in and out of jails and and then I I started going in and out of treatment centers
these treatment centers were not the insurance paid ten thousand dollar big book kind of thing
um they were um how whatever your family could donate it was the type of treatment center that
you would um plastic it was it was kind of rough and um plastic mattresses and um when you went in
they would put you in the shower and spray you down with quill so that you wouldn't bring any
more bugs into the house you know you had to sit there and and my attitude they left me in the
shower with that burning quill on me quite a while because because I'm an asshole you know and um you
know I'm the type that shows up to the treatment center and I don't have anything I'm homeless
carless jobless and they tell me to go down the hall and pick out clothes that might fit you know
and that's how that's that's me managing my life okay and none of that really scared me I mean it
was uncomfortable um you know some violence some you know bad situations and um and that is the
early 80s and I was in treatment for about nine months and I've written my mom letters and she
has some of those letters and I can tell I had that spiritual experience that little awakening
I mean you can see it in my words you know and and I had something and I got out of treatment
I actually graduated finally I completed something right I've never completed anything in my life and
I completed and I got this little reward coin for completing and my plan was to go back to Tulsa
live in this halfway house and stay sober and you know get a job get a car you know and be a
real person you know kind of what I expect I think people expect of me that's my plan that's what I
want to do and within a week or two you know I'm bringing boys home that I'm not supposed to be
having them in my room I'm drinking I'm sneaking I'm you know and I'm kicked out of the house now
and I'm back on the streets doing what I do and and I say that is because I had something I had
something something changed in my heart but I didn't continue growing it I didn't continue
that spiritual awakening I didn't continue practicing principles to enlarge that spiritual
life okay and I tried for several years well maybe two in and out of the program you know come to the
and I'd go to different groups around town and I'd have different sobriety dates at different groups
I'd write them in my big book and then you know after you scratch so many out it's like toss it out
the window get you another book you know it got disgusting to try to do this program I'd go to one
of the big groups in Tulsa and from Joe and Charlie the second Joe that was his home group I mean it
was a good home group I mean it's a solid three legacy group you know they practice all the steps
traditions concepts and I couldn't get sober there they would meet in the big room and then tell
everybody to go to the the smaller rooms the breakout rooms for different meetings I never
could decide where I fit you know I would get so frustrated because I wasn't sure where the cool
people were supposed to go and where I should go and I'd end up leaving I wouldn't even stay for
the meeting because I couldn't figure it out you know I never ask anyone you know nothing like that
I just left you know and so that was my taste of me trying to do AA on my own you know it's I tried
to do a force well I did a four step I don't poor lady just listened to me ramble you know about how
horrible everybody was to me um and so I thought I had worked AA you know and I'd hear people say
well pray in the morning you won't drink my god I can I can get down on my knees that day and pray
that I won't drink and I'm out drunk and I don't want to be drunk and I'm drunk I'm in the bar
again I'm running the deal I'm doing my I'm doing what I do um so that was like 81 I know I was in
treatment in 81 because we got out of out of class one day to watch princess Diana get married and if
you look it up that was in 81 so I know 81 I was in treatment okay so and then I am um married a
couple more times a lot of just it's just a big tangle all of that and near the end I had been
married a couple more times and I was fired from a beer only job where it was so easy I mean we
flew kites in the back parking lot I mean this is you know maybe five customers it's an easy job
I got fired from there I mean all I have to do is you know show up you know and I can't handle that
and I am I can't figure out what to do now you know I tried to enroll in school that didn't work
I took the money got an apartment now I don't have any more money because I drink my money
I drink my tip money I can't ever get I can't ever get enough up to for the rent and um I did
look this up too and in 1980 93 there's a huge tornado that came through Tulsa tore up a couple
truck stops and I um I actually had a little shoeshine booth out at one of those truck stops
and one of the tornadoes came within a quarter mile of the apartment I was living in and I stood
outside on the balcony and just watched it you know you can hear it you can hear the braking you
can hear the trees popping I don't want to hide you know please take me I don't know how to do
this I don't know how to get out of life but I don't know how to stay in life right and that's um
93 and my spreading dates 98 so after that and I'm still here you know everybody's down in the
parking lot and you can still hear the panes of glass breaking you know that are loose and falling
and I just go go get my bottle and lay back down in my bed well actually I had my bed kind of tipped
up and I was hiding in it I live alone and I'm hiding in my my little apartment um but it's like
I can't even do this right you know so I um I got out of that I made a geographic I found another guy
that I had known and moved to Kansas City okay and that is going to be my cure he doesn't really
drink and he doesn't mind if I drink and he drives all the time so I'm okay I'm not driving now so
that should solve a big problem I have somebody that doesn't care about the way I drink they'll
take care of me they love me you know I'm okay right problem solved got it I move up there and
I'm terribly unhappy I get a little job um actually he gets me the job and you know I'm
living I'm staying in the basement part of this house that is not finished and that's where I
drink all night I drink down there all by myself you know um there's a nice little house up top
but I'm staying in this wet dank basement and that's where I drink um ended up being in a big
um so that I'm not sure about those five years okay but 97 in 97 my boss that I worked for he's
like Deb you need insurance I'm like that'd be great so he got me this little insurance policy
this is the first time I've had insurance since I'd left home I haven't been I had an appendicitis
one time but I haven't been to the doctor I mean I don't do those things so um he got me insurance
okay and about a month later the guy that drives all the time we've been out at a big party and
it's about 4 a.m and we're coming home and another drunk driver comes on the wrong way on a big
highway four lanes overpass and none of the cars can get out of the way so we hit them head on and
my my driver was um knocked out passed out in my lap and I'm I have a scar from like here to here
healed up really nice but um I'm in that car and I can't get out because you know when the firemen
come you know I'm flirting with the fireman I've got the guy passed out conked out in my lap
I'm bleeding you know bleeding from and I'm flirting you know it's just I I have no sense
of reality okay so but that wreck garnished me a whole bunch of money just because I was hurt you
know and anyway I got you know six figures more money than this girl had ever had okay so now I
have insurance and I have the money so I move away from the him I buy a little house get a little dog
I put a big eight foot stockade fence around it so that I can do whatever I want in the backyard
I I've arrived I have everything okay it should all work now you know but I'm I'm now I'm having
to go to the bar to find somebody to be happy with because I'm not happy by myself I'm not complete by
myself I have nothing you know um my mom would send me these little Norman Vincent Peale things
positive thinking things and it's like that sounds really great and that I can be happy
I can't stay there I can't stay you know I can't ever get there um so my drinking is come it's um
people are trying to take me home now to keep me from driving because I'm too drunk and um you know
I end up going to the doctor because I had something on my ear they did some blood work
and they told me I had hepatitis c okay and those words I could not say back then okay they told me
that in October and I couldn't say them until January I feel like that was the most horrible
nasty thing that could have ever happened to me that's what hit me okay um I felt like I was
contagious dirty and that if I did sleep with somebody else I'd give them this disease and then
they'd come back and kill me so it wasn't any noble cause I was trying not to spread it I just
felt I felt completely repulsive you know and this is somebody that's worked you know I've on the
barter system all my life to get my you know my home my my drugs my drinks my whatever I need my
clothes and now that's gone I'm now hopeless I'm now helpless I can't do anything else and for me
that's what what did it and I'd just gotten that insurance you know so I I have a doctor and the
doctor sent me to a specialist and I went to the specialist and I can't say these words and that
doctor said the nurse says you know why are you here and I said well that other doctor sent me
and she's like well no I understand that but why are you here so I burst out into tears and I ran
out of the room and ran home so um I couldn't say it I could not say that you know and the um this
doctor I mean he's a specialist he's the one that's got the good stuff for the eight hepatitis C
in 97 you know he's the guy calls me at home that night you know some tramp drunk he takes the time
out of his day to call and go would you please come back okay and so I go in and I get back in
the room you know when the nurse says okay he'll be in here in a minute and she lays the chart down
and I you know being the nosy person I open it up to see what they're saying about me right and in
big red letters it says do not ask patient why she's here so but that doctor he told me that I
would have to stop drinking in order to get on these experimental drugs and I can still be in
that office today with those long skinny blinds and looking outside at that park area and I told
him I can't it was the first time I'd admitted to him or to myself that I could not actually stop
and he's and he put his hand on my shoulder he's like yeah you can and he sent me to a psychologist
and she talked to me and remember the long stringy hair with a big puffy coat and she wouldn't even
turn on the lights for me it was a very dark room and I could just kind of barely talk to her
and she sent me to church and I went to church and they told me to come to a singles barbecue
afterwards and I'm scared because I sleep with everybody I meet I can't go to that now I can't
go back to church either you know I go back church is not for me and she's like you know what I know
you're not an alcoholic why don't you go to AA it's this large group of people that are not drinking
and you're trying not to drink too aren't you yeah that's what I'm trying to do you know and and I
went and I didn't ask for anything I didn't tell you I was new you probably knew because I've you
know have a big ugly coat that has a big bleach spot on it and um you know but I came and I just
quit smoking too actually I was so sick I couldn't hardly drink anything but water if it wasn't too
cold and I would nibble on a baked potato I just bake it in the microwave and just nibble on it
that that's what I was doing and I quit smoking because it was making me sick and I go to this
big room okay big for Tulsa or for Kansas City there's maybe 80 to 100 people in there and the
tables are all set up in a big circle and they said okay and everybody that's a non-smoker go
in there it was this little bitty room with old men that carry their books you know and these
old people and all the fun people out there laughing and playing you know they were all
out there I had just quit smoking I have to go in that other stupid room you know I'm I'm appalled
and I I go okay this is a person that you take away lose my driver's license not a problem I have
to not have a car to not drive it doesn't occur to me not to drive I mean I'm defiant and now
I actually walk into this other room and that's where I sat my um I couldn't hardly introduce
myself they worked me up they they made a little card for me that says I'm Debbie I'm an alcoholic
I'm grateful to be here and I pass and then I would hold my breath to make sure that they would
pass and not call say anything else to me and they would move on I mean just total fear sweaty palms
you know horrible and now listen to me chat y'all are gonna have to tie me and shut me up right but
um that's who came in you know I couldn't talk I couldn't um I didn't catch on to the meetings
you know on like Tuesday nights a big book study every Tuesday night and this guy chairs every
Tuesday night you know Thursday nights it's 12 and 12 study I had it took me several months to
realize what book to take because it was Tuesday night it was a big book study I couldn't tie those
things together um I didn't know the Lord's Prayer when I came in and they say it up there you know
that's what they closed the meeting with and they're like you know who wants to take us out
and they all say some kind of crappy little start I don't know what I'm supposed to say I don't even
know this prayer that you want me to ask it's like oh god don't call on me don't call on me right and
so they um I couldn't hardly read the big book my sponsor had me read step one out of the 12 and 12
every night which I thought was just unreal I don't know if you guys have seen it it's almost
three pages every night they want me to try to read this I mean I could hardly read right so
she wrote down the third step prayer and a note card for me and I was to get on my knees at night
say my little prayer say thanks for the day and then in the morning get on my knees and say please
right I live alone with a one-eyed blind dog her name was muffin she was very cute and um I am
embarrassed to get on my knees okay I get down on my knees my fingernails are in my my palms because
I am so pissed off that I am having to do this it is so embarrassing so beneath me I don't even
know about this god thing and I go read my little card and I stare up at the corners of the ceiling
nothing nothing was there this is so embarrassing right you guys are just making a fool of me making
me get down here and nothing's happening nothing you know I'd wake up in the morning and I we had
little alarm clocks that had red digits on them and I'd look over at the little red digits and
it'd say 449 and then the third edition that acceptance page is which was always talked about
was on page 449 and I'd look over at that clock and I'd go cute god so the very same thing I
couldn't find at night I'm chatting with in the morning I mean it's just those little things I
believe something was doing that you know um I was scared to not pray because finally it was kind of
working I wasn't drinking I wasn't obsessed I mean I took a different route home so I didn't go past
the bars that I usually stop at I would drive past my sponsor's house so that my heart would
go a little bit slower and then I would go sit at the clubhouse the clubhouse parking lot until the
meeting opened because I didn't know what to do I had no how but no hobbies no I didn't do anything
I drank you know neon light here I come um and so I had to retrain all of that I had a little
posting note on my dashboard that said ptl for patience tolerance and love because I am
such a tangle of knots that even if if the light turns red and you didn't speed on through I'm
pissed if the light turns green and you're not going yet I'm pissed I mean I just want to ram
you because I am so angry I had I'm I've got no buffer right so I had ptl patience tolerance and
love patience tolerance and love and that's how I go to the clubhouse right I mean fingernails just
oh anger and um somebody got in my car one day and they were like ptl oh praise the lord I'm like oh
no no you know not that um but one of those days I I realized that I'm not driving home with my
fingernails clenched I'm not just you know barely hanging on to get to the meeting um the the steps
that I took I took that fourth step and I told rebecca she was one of those gals that when she
came in the club everybody go you know their voice goes up just a little bit because they're so happy
to see her and I was like oh my gosh you know and so when I did my fourth step with her and she'd
tell me other little things like yeah I came around from the bar and I kicked that guy in
the chin I'm like you were in a bar you know because she cleaned up so much the lady that
came in no you couldn't see her anymore you know and that's what started to happen to me is that
person that came in full of fear and anger and this isn't for me you know not believing this whole um
god is you understanding I don't know much about god but I was pretty sure that isn't anything that
I'd ever heard and I thought I'd probably the lightning bolts would come get us or something
but you know I'm I'm game my my thing ain't working so I'll try yours but thank goodness
you didn't make me define my god you know and thank goodness that I don't have to like keep him
in a little box once I get it you know this can grow it's that energy that source that connectedness
that oneness that all of us can feel and um you know it's that heart that heart it touches my
heart you know the um promises that they use night step promises they would read those at the end of
the meeting and people go and I thought they were so sad I thought it was really sad that people
would actually hope for that I mean there's nothing tangible in them you know it doesn't
say that my bank account's going to be full it doesn't say that my bills are going to go away
it doesn't say that I'm going to have this cool groovy job it says you know um the release they'll
disappear you know the problems are removed that financial insecurity it just it's it's separated
you know and it's not something that I work for but it's something that just happens you know
somewhere between the bedevilments on 52 and the promises up there on 83 ish somebody's had a
transformation here because I'm no longer you know angry my my personal relationships are going a
little bit smoother you know the um I'm getting responsible you know if I say I'm going to be
there I'm actually there and I intend to be there it's not just say yeah I'll be there you know I
will or I want who cares you know but but I that's a commitment you know and I and I keep those
commitments the very best I can anymore um so I guess I'm finding up so my life in sobriety I
thought it would look like this I thought when I came in and I got sober and I got my first year
you know and I get to go give somebody or not give but see her get her one year chip tomorrow
which will be so much fun she's actually in here um you know I didn't plan on staying you know and
now it's this life that I wouldn't have dreamed that I would have wanted and I'm a person that I
wouldn't have dreamed that I would have cared anything about knowing and I'm actually happier
than I've ever been it's like how the hell has that happened you know um you know I didn't have
any kind of career thoughts I didn't have any of that kind of stuff in me I don't have that um I
had a friend that got me a job that ended up I'm good at I have a talent I didn't go to school you
know I graduated high school barely um but it ended up that I'm good at that stuff you know I
can slice and dice the spreadsheet and analyze stuff and I they worked you know and um and I
showed up and I continued to try to give you my best as part of those amends for all those employers
I just kind of you know I sucked you know um you know I I try to give back you know in any
situation that I'm in nowadays whether it's in my community in my neighborhood you know um I'm the
person that they used to have to call the police on I would kick your windows out in the apartment
complex if you pissed me off you know and now my neighbor um has a three-year-old little boy his
birthday's on the same day and I go watch him in the morning sometimes she's a nurse and he's a
fireman emt you know and sometimes their shifts don't they overlap they trust me to go in their
home and watch their child you know that is not the person that came here you know um you know
and it's they say it's it it's a simple program but it's not easy you know and it says several
times in there these are painstaking steps you know and vigorous action and strenuous
I'm gonna have to try really hard to change what my natural normal way is and the more I do that
the more often it's more smooth the relationships the contact that I have with other humans is more
harmonious you know and when I do have that discomfort that disease you know in my heart
it's what am I doing you know where is it that I'm trying to be self-seeking you know what am I
trying to get out of this am I trying to get your perception to change with me am I trying to get
you to think something more of me than what what I deserve you know um what am I trying to do because
if it's you know that chalk on what is it fingernails on a chalkboard there's something
going on in me you know otherwise I'd just be watching you be uncomfortable but if I'm
uncomfortable there's something in here you know um I'm not real good at doing a nightly inventory
but I try to look at myself every day um I do it as rads just on the top of the paper for
because I thought it sounded cool you know I put r-a-d-s and that's for um resentful afraid
dishonest and selfish I just try to look and see where was their uncomfortableness in my in my day
in my environment in my um interactions with humans you know um and it's maybe it's not that I did
anything wrong but what could I have done better you know what could I have done a little bit
different how could I have been kind instead of came in with more of a defense you know because
I know you're getting ready to get after me so I'll just come in just a little bit harder so I'm
ready to take it why can't I come in soft you know if I've um if I've gotten right with my higher
power and I know I'm doing my best to do what I believe he would have me do today you can say
whatever you would like to about me I can consider it and I can listen but it doesn't make me that
person it doesn't make me that that thought and that is such a huge thing from a person that came
in with no opinion whatsoever you know one of the counselors said that's your opinion I'm like oh my
god I got an opinion I was so excited to have my first opinion but um you know it's you know I live
in a house now that has everything that is in it has some kind of attachment to heart in it you know
it's um you know I've got words above all my windows that say you know believe serenity harmony
gratitude you know it's I still want those reminders just like that first posting note on my
little my truck you know I still need those reminders that I don't have to be kind I don't
need to protect anything you know um you know I've done a lot of my amends I had to do and I'll talk
about this for just a second I had to make amends to somebody that had done something to me when I
was a child and it was because of the way I had used the character assassination with them so much
and and this is for everybody that has to do this in all these situations it's not a you do this
that it's a prayer and discussion and guidance through sponsorship and and somebody else that's
worked through it but I was able to go to that person and say and tell them that you know I made
it bigger than and longer than it was and it was crueler and then like he had brought his new wife
back to the family for Christmas and I was cruel to that woman I tormented her I booby trapped her
little stuff you know I was mean and I let and they've since divorced but I let him know that
I was sorry that I did that and I didn't provide a welcoming environment thank you and um and he
broke down crying he had felt like my alcoholism and my lifestyle and everything that I had done
was his fault you know and um and that relationship was able to heal you know so that when I go into
a family event I don't worry if they're going to be there he is or isn't you know and if I can walk
through all my life like that where if I see anybody out of my past I can either reconcile it
you know or or clean up my sight make amends for the harm that I've done whatever I've taken
you know I can stand tall in that I don't have to be proud of what I did but I can be proud of what
I am trying to do through this program and through you know through my higher power um it's it's fun
to be able to read all these different books you know and with and I would have said I had a really
good program you know before all this pandemic and all the changes went on you know and I've
ended up having to change we're getting to change sponsors um because of changes you know and I it
was hard but there's been so much growth you know and um and being able to stay more open-minded
I've been able to read different books that I normally wouldn't have read opinions that I
don't know that I really always agree with and I can read them with an open mind and consider it
might be true because any new idea that wasn't mine I thought it had to mean that I was wrong
and just because it's different doesn't mean I'm wrong it's just different you know and that that
to me is such a freedom um I know the the 11th step says that you know sought through prayer
meditation to improve our conscious contact um and seeking the knowledge of his will for me and the
power to carry that out that's my prayer you know because I can't I still get tangled up I don't
have no note cards anymore but I can still get really tangled up in prayer you know trying to
decide what you need what they need you know well God bless them you know well God don't why why
why don't I just need him to watch them why can't I have him watch everybody and so if I just see I
can get tangled up quick if I just pray that that you have the knowledge of God's will and the power
to carry that out wouldn't it be great I mean if we could all get that little connection and actually
have the power to complete that you know or at least practice it or walk in that direction you
know change our sails just a little bit and move towards that I think that would be better for you
than anything that I could dream up for you so um I'm done I've really enjoyed being able to share
I don't tell my story very often so I appreciate you guys staying engaged with me and I can see
highs and people and I really appreciate y'all all right thank you