1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,400 (indistinct) 2 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,340 - All right. 3 00:00:04,340 --> 00:00:05,240 Hi guys. 4 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:07,640 My name is Mary Cleo and I am an alcoholic. 5 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,960 Hi, hi guys. 6 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,720 Hi Zoomers. 7 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,160 Thank you for being the... 8 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,840 I needed, you have no idea, I needed to hear that. 9 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,040 And, and that's what we do. 10 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,040 You know, yeah. 11 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,760 What it was like, you know, 12 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,280 I was 24 when I got sober. 13 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:31,040 I just turned 28 years sober this past January. 14 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,320 But when I came into the rooms, 15 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:34,360 I'll just jump right to it. 16 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:37,100 You know, I was 24 when I came into the rooms 17 00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:41,160 and I was a very angry, full of rage person. 18 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:45,340 You know, my childhood was an absolute nightmare. 19 00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:47,320 And without going into details, 20 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,840 I know we're all pretty smart and config, you know, 21 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:51,280 some of it anyway. 22 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,360 A lot of horrible things had happened. 23 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:58,360 And I was the oldest daughter, you know, Latin community, 24 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:02,040 Latin family, sorry, Latin community. 25 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,940 And I helped raise my brothers and sisters 26 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:07,060 and that was a lot of work. 27 00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:09,140 I was like their little mom, you know. 28 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:10,580 My mom used to still, 29 00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:12,760 I'm sure there's definitely ladies in here 30 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,920 that remember those pink curl things. 31 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,600 And the big round ones. 32 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:21,920 With my little robe and all I needed was a cigarette 33 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:26,000 and vacuuming and cleaning, changing diapers and whatnot. 34 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:26,840 And I grew up. 35 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,400 And yeah, so my mom, 36 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,520 I grew up with someone who was bipolar, borderline, 37 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,680 and she was out of the mind. 38 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:38,720 And grew up with a lot of abuse, physical, mental, 39 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:39,600 the whole thing. 40 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,160 And boyfriends in and out and those unfortunate things. 41 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:48,160 And so, yeah, so I'm a diehard alcoholic 42 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:51,360 at the same time, a garden variety alcoholic, you know. 43 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:54,880 I had moved to this little town up north. 44 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:56,280 Some of you might know it, 45 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,860 but it's just past Santa Barbara. 46 00:01:57,860 --> 00:02:00,080 Like those little towns, 47 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,680 Yultin and Santa Ynez and Los Olivas. 48 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:07,680 So I lived in Los Olivas and I worked at a restaurant 49 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,760 and that little town, 'cause there's, you know, 50 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,680 Santa Ynez and all these really cute places. 51 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,320 And, you know, I was 86 out of all of them, you know, 52 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,280 and it's not a big town. 53 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:25,840 And oh, Solvang, you know, I was, I was, yeah, I was 80s. 54 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,260 I was that obnoxious, drunk, 55 00:02:28,260 --> 00:02:30,840 playing pool with very tall cowboys 56 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,560 and accusing them of cheating 57 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:36,680 and trying to hurt them with the Q stick. 58 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:42,600 I don't want to get graphic, but I lost, you know. 59 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:46,160 There's video of me actually slamming myself 60 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,820 with the Q stick instead of them. 61 00:02:47,820 --> 00:02:51,840 And, but that was how I drank, you know. 62 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,880 Either somebody told me what happened, 63 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,720 but I saw it another way. 64 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,600 You know, I picked that guy's ass and, can we cuss? 65 00:02:58,600 --> 00:02:59,900 No, OCD. 66 00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:06,240 Okay, so I'm not going to cuss, but that's why I asked. 67 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:10,000 But anyway, but that was me, you know, I was a town drunk. 68 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,000 Me and this guy named Randy Roberts, 69 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,320 he was a little older than me. 70 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,540 I was very young still, I was like 19 71 00:03:16,540 --> 00:03:19,340 and he was in his thirties and we were both drunks. 72 00:03:19,340 --> 00:03:23,080 He had a 10 speed and I had a little old school moped 73 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,760 that had a little basket in front of it. 74 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:28,260 And, you know, we passed by each other, like, you know, 75 00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:31,280 nice words like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 76 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:37,220 And, and, you know, we, it was just sad, you know. 77 00:03:37,220 --> 00:03:39,880 And my friend, Felicia, you know, 78 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,640 she saw me going like this real quick. 79 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:46,140 And, you know, my hair used to be super long 80 00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:49,560 and like I said, you know, let's leave, this is not that big 81 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,080 but she would always get these phone calls. 82 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,360 Hey, Felicia, I don't know if you want to come, 83 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:57,300 but MC's in my backyard again. 84 00:03:57,300 --> 00:04:00,560 She says she's picking roses, but she's in the roses 85 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,940 and, you know, thorns and blah, blah, blah. 86 00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:07,080 And, and I had gained so much weight. 87 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,400 So I'm like walking through the neighborhood 88 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,840 and through the houses. 89 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,880 So then pretty soon I got the nickname Sasquatch. 90 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:18,040 And, and, you know, hey, I saw MC, you're Bigfoot sighting. 91 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:23,040 And, and that was very sad, but that, who I was, you know, 92 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:27,540 I also became very promiscuous. 93 00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:33,660 And at a very early age, I knew that I was gay. 94 00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:34,580 Just kidding. 95 00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:38,960 And, and I had a hard time with that. 96 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,840 Cause you know, my mom, how we grew up, we were, 97 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,440 my mom was changing, like I said, 98 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,020 she was bipolar, bipolar borderline. 99 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,940 So we were changing religion all the time. 100 00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:54,080 But every God that we moved on to was a hateful God, 101 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,260 you know, you're going to burn in hell. 102 00:04:56,260 --> 00:04:58,440 I mean, for everything, you break shells 103 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,500 in the scrambled eggs, you're going to hell. 104 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:03,160 And, and so, you know, 105 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,500 we were Jehovah witnesses for one day, bless me. 106 00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:09,680 And we literally went and knocked on doors. 107 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,800 And my mom said, this is not for us. 108 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,980 We were hardcore Christians and nothing wrong by the way, 109 00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:16,820 with any of these, 110 00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:20,080 but it was just my interpretation at the time 111 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,960 as a young kid, a teenager. 112 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,000 And, and so, you know, 113 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:28,400 I had already pushed God out when I was pretty much like 10 114 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,680 or 11, when things were happening at such a young age. 115 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:35,200 And I lost myself even at a young age, I love it. 116 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,160 I literally had a mental breakdown and, 117 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,480 and things came out that my mom didn't know. 118 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:45,480 And the mother that I had was so, is, no it was, 119 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,760 very narcissistic. 120 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,900 And it was a confession. 121 00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:52,320 Like I need help, you know, help me. 122 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,340 And her first words were, well, what did you do? 123 00:05:55,340 --> 00:05:58,840 You know, and I'm 11. 124 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:02,600 So I I've been going to therapy since I was a little kid, 125 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,960 you know, my father left in 1978. 126 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,820 I was eight years old and you know, it was sad, you know, 127 00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:13,680 'cause then I was left with, we were left with my mother. 128 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:17,840 So I started drinking around 11, you know, 129 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:21,860 and it wasn't like I took a drink and I was like, oh my God, 130 00:06:21,860 --> 00:06:23,040 this is what I've been looking for. 131 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,360 I'm 11, I don't know what's, 132 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,600 I just know that it feels great. 133 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,760 I'm not thinking about the things that have happened. 134 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,560 And, and I continued that, 135 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,880 continued that until I was almost 24, just about. 136 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,940 Yeah, something like that. 137 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:41,920 And you know, I hated everything. 138 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,460 I hated people, my own family is screwed up. 139 00:06:45,460 --> 00:06:48,640 And why would I trust a total stranger? 140 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,140 You know, you can say to me, hey MC, I love you, 141 00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:55,840 or Mary crew, but I didn't believe it. 142 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,360 And I just didn't believe in people. 143 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,560 You know, like I said, I gave up, you know, 144 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,040 and like I said, I was a garden variety drunk. 145 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,440 I drove a motorcycle. 146 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,440 I was going five miles an hour once 147 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,000 and I was going to kill myself. 148 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,980 And, and here, I thought I was going like 50 149 00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:15,680 and there was a brick wall at the end of the street. 150 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,900 And I'm just like, to me, it looked like this, 151 00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:20,760 but in actuality, I was like, 152 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:24,440 and I guess my friend was following me 153 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,360 and I remember just tapping the wall 154 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,920 and he got out and like, what are you doing? 155 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:31,160 Trying to kill myself. 156 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:35,920 And he's like, you're going like 10 miles an hour. 157 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:40,160 So I wasn't very good at that, but so that's my, 158 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,160 I mean, that's what I did, you know, to escape. 159 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,740 I did excel in high school, thank God, 160 00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:47,120 because it got me out of the house. 161 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:51,200 So I joined sports because I didn't want to go home ever, 162 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,620 you know, so thank God for that. 163 00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:56,720 I did graduate by the skin of my teeth. 164 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,480 I had a stuttering problem. 165 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,600 I was dyslexic. 166 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,080 I mean, there was a multiple things, you know, 167 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,120 especially what was going on in my home life. 168 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:09,520 So I'm just going to fast forward and here I am. 169 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:10,540 I called my best friend. 170 00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:14,120 It was actually the day that OJ Simpson was on the, 171 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,880 four or five or no, yeah. 172 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,400 And I got fired and I remember I was, 173 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,080 I've never gotten fired and I've worked 174 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,480 since a very young age. 175 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,880 And so I told my friends, hey, you guys, I just got fired. 176 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:31,880 And then I changed it to, they let me go because I'm young 177 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,880 and I need to be around people that are more my age. 178 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:41,280 And they're like, MC, shut up, look at the TV. 179 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,400 And it's OJ Simpson on the freeway. 180 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,840 And I'm like, you guys, this is really sad. 181 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,880 You know, now I have been sober. 182 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:53,880 I woke up one morning on January 20 or the 19th of January 183 00:08:53,880 --> 00:09:02,080 and 24 years ago, 28 years ago, and it was pretty bad. 184 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,000 You know, I woke up and I looked in the mirror. 185 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,980 It was like 220 pounds. 186 00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:11,680 My face was yellow, puffy. 187 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:13,920 I didn't look too good, you know, 188 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,360 but something, I had this much hope, you know, 189 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,080 and I looked around where I lived. 190 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:21,780 I had this little house and it was a nightmare. 191 00:09:21,780 --> 00:09:25,600 You know, I had beer bong spilled, just food. 192 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,560 I mean, I don't mean to sound so gross, 193 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:31,200 but that's how I was living with maggots in the sink. 194 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,800 Oh, it was so bad, you know, throw up. 195 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:39,080 And that was my life, you know, at that age. 196 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,440 And I had this much hope. 197 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,360 And so I told my boss that my mom had a heart attack, 198 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,760 which was not good because she ended up getting sick 199 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,880 a year later, but it's funny now. 200 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:55,880 But I had to lie so I can go and stay in my little house 201 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,780 so I can sober up. 202 00:09:57,780 --> 00:10:02,780 And now a long time ago, I didn't have a phone or pager, 203 00:10:02,780 --> 00:10:05,840 computer, you know, I didn't have those things. 204 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,140 I just thought you quit and that's it. 205 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:11,180 So, and there you go with self-will. 206 00:10:11,180 --> 00:10:13,760 But I locked myself up, not that I couldn't get out, 207 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,040 I could, but I got rid of all the alcohol 208 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,240 and I stayed there. 209 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,340 And on the third day, I mean, I remember just, 210 00:10:20,340 --> 00:10:23,080 I'm sure I had DTs 'cause I was drinking hard liquor 211 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,560 for the last two years and I felt like I was dying. 212 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,620 You know, I was scratching my skin. 213 00:10:28,620 --> 00:10:30,040 When they say fetal position, 214 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,260 I literally was in fetal position, 215 00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:34,920 just scratching and shaking. 216 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,060 And so on the third day, my friend Felicia kind of barges in 217 00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:42,780 and she's this six, five tall skinny girl from Santa Barbara, 218 00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:43,840 lot older than me. 219 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,880 She's like, "Where the heck have you been? 220 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,660 Where the heck have you been?" 221 00:10:49,660 --> 00:10:53,920 And I'm sitting there and I'm just like, "Oh God." 222 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,160 She's like, "What are you doing?" 223 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,960 And I'm like, "I'm not drinking. 224 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,680 That's all I can muster up." 225 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:01,000 She's like, "Oh my God, it smells in here." 226 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,620 And she just looked at me and she's like, 227 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:07,840 "Do you know you can die from just quitting cold turkey 228 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,320 without getting some help?" 229 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,560 And of course I didn't, you know, it's not like I went, 230 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,880 "Oh, I totally forgot to look it up." 231 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:19,880 You know, so it was sad for her to see me in that condition. 232 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:24,360 But at the same time, you know, she said something to me 233 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,100 that was so profound at the time. 234 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,680 And I share about this every time is that, 235 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,040 she looked at me and she said, 236 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,920 "When are you gonna get out of the way of you?" 237 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,900 And I remember just like, "What? Wait, what?" 238 00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:38,160 You know, like that doesn't make any sense to me. 239 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,640 Now it does, 28 years later, you know, during the time. 240 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:44,380 And so she says, "You need help." 241 00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:45,640 And then the fifth day came, 242 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,520 I was feeling a little better and I called AA. 243 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,360 Now again, this is a small town and I'm a people pleaser. 244 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,020 I also qualify for Al-Anon. 245 00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:55,800 And so she came to my little house 246 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,280 and I looked out the window. 247 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,200 Now I'm telling you back there, I had Wranglers, 248 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,200 cowboy boots on, those weird shirts 249 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,500 I would never wear anymore. 250 00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:08,160 And you know, I'm all cowgirl down. 251 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:12,040 And I see this bug that has daisies and flowers 252 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:15,320 and the peace sign all painted, this old, you know, 253 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,240 old school bug. 254 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,160 And then she gets out and I'm like, 255 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:19,940 "Oh my God, what a great dog." 256 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:22,360 You know, she gets out and looks like Stevie Nicks. 257 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,480 She has, she's like twirling in the wind 258 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:29,480 and I'm like, "Oh my God, what did I do?" 259 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,080 And so she's knocking, I'm like, "No, bro." 260 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:34,640 So I do, and she's like, "You ready?" 261 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:36,640 You know, I'm like, "Yeah, okay." 262 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:39,800 So we go to Solvang for this AA meeting, walk in, 263 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,780 and there's this guy named Guy. 264 00:12:41,780 --> 00:12:46,780 And her, me, that was my very first AA meeting. 265 00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:49,680 And I remember sitting there, they pass things like, 266 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,700 you know, how it works and this and that. 267 00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:53,080 And I said, "I don't know how to read." 268 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,080 And I pushed it away. 269 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:57,760 And I'm sitting there going, "This is lame, this is AA." 270 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,960 Like I saw afterschool specials when I was little. 271 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,760 Like this is weird. 272 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,760 And anyway, that was my first day. 273 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,760 I never went back. 274 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:10,640 I was a dry alcoholic, you know, that self will again. 275 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:15,640 And anyway, I moved to LA the day that OJ Simpson was caught 276 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,920 or whatever the next day. 277 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,800 And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. 278 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,920 My, I went to 43, 43 Radford. 279 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,720 That was like, it's one of the oldest, 280 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,840 or was at that place, the oldest meeting in California. 281 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,000 And I was fortunate to be there 282 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,120 and meet the people that I did. 283 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,860 Now I didn't go in like, "Oh, thank God I made it here. 284 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:40,840 And there's more people." 285 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,760 And these are my, did you give me a call? 286 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:43,600 - Oh, no, sorry. 287 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,600 - Okay, all right. - You're good. 288 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:45,440 - Okay, thanks. 289 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:52,000 And so here I am, I'm in the car with my friend David. 290 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,680 He's like, "We're going to a real." 291 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:56,800 He's my roommate and he's got four and a half years sober. 292 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,800 And he's like, "Hey, you know, we're going to a big meeting. 293 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:00,920 Like what's a big meeting?" 294 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,120 Like about a hundred or so. 295 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:02,960 And I'm like, "Oh." 296 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,860 And so I'm in the car where he's driving 297 00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:09,280 and my heart is like pounding, my knees. 298 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,840 I feel like I'm having a stroke, you know? 299 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,680 So it's quiet and I turned to him, I said, 300 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,360 "David, do they know I'm coming?" 301 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,920 And he looked at me, he just keeps looking at me. 302 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,320 He goes, "No, dude, that's not how it works." 303 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:28,960 There's no president, we didn't call, you know? 304 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,140 People aren't going to turn around and say, 305 00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:31,140 "Oh, you're here." 306 00:14:31,140 --> 00:14:34,440 But they're going to be happy to see you, you know, 307 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,280 because you're new. 308 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:39,480 And because that's how much I didn't know about AA 309 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,200 and just that tiny little meeting and solving. 310 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,240 So I get to this meeting, he wants me to sit up front. 311 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,560 I said, "No way, heck no." 312 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,360 And so this is me, the new version. 313 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:54,200 But back then I was like this, you know, in the back row, 314 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,240 don't come near me. 315 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,080 If I saw feet coming, I would look up, 316 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:58,700 like I'm going to hurt you. 317 00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:01,500 And they would, "Hey, it's all good." 318 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,880 You know, and I didn't understand. 319 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:07,840 I hadn't even come out yet until I got a year sober, 320 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,060 you know, and that was hard, you know? 321 00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:13,880 But I saw like, oh my God, they're together. 322 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,160 They're holding hands and I'm like, oh, it's LA. 323 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:17,620 This is a bigger place. 324 00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:20,820 And it seems like, oh, maybe it's okay to come out. 325 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,500 So, but it didn't happen until after a year. 326 00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:26,040 And, but that was me in the back. 327 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:26,960 My friend David said, 328 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,240 "Hey, they're going to give you numbers, you know, 329 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:30,300 try to call them." 330 00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,940 So all these women were coming up to me, 331 00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:34,760 giving me their number. 332 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,920 And so I go back, I say, "Hey, well, I go to my room." 333 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:40,880 I'm like, "Oh my God, I should've come to LA sooner." 334 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:42,220 (laughing) 335 00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:44,560 And they're like, "Oh my God, I'll be sober." 336 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,300 And I'm like, "Thanks, Dawn, there is a higher power." 337 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:52,120 And okay, so that didn't, that went south. 338 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,420 You know, my roommate explained it to me. 339 00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:58,040 And I'm like, "Oh yeah, of course, yeah." 340 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,380 So a year later, I had finally come out 341 00:16:01,380 --> 00:16:05,080 and I sat my roommate down and with my best friend, 342 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,800 she's actually the one that got me to move out here. 343 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,440 I said, "You guys, I got to tell you something, I'm gay." 344 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,640 And they're like, "Dude, it's about time." 345 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,760 And I'm like, "Thanks for not telling me." 346 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:20,000 But anyway, I was an angry person in AA. 347 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,440 I didn't, I threw chairs. 348 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,920 Somebody moved my keys from my chair once 349 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,360 and it was this guy. 350 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,360 He was just as nuts as I was. 351 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:34,360 And we're cursing at each other, bad things, you know? 352 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:39,420 And it was not good, you know? 353 00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:41,860 And I would, like I said, I would throw chairs. 354 00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:43,800 I would get up and walk out. 355 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,200 I was very dramatic. 356 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:49,160 I had no idea what a drama queen was until I moved to LA. 357 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,360 My roommate would say, "Oh my God, you're such a drama queen." 358 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,660 And I'm like, "Mean," you know? 359 00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:57,280 But I was, I was in everybody else's business 360 00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,160 and was not working on myself. 361 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,520 And I did not get it. 362 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,520 I got sponsors to say I got a sponsor, 363 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,480 but as soon as they said, "Okay, well, I want you to do this." 364 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,040 And I'm like, "Yeah, here's the thing." 365 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,760 You know, I didn't go to college for a reason. 366 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:17,760 And I'm not gonna write or read or do any of that stuff. 367 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,040 I'm just gonna come here and hang out with y'all. 368 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,520 And I spent a lot of time in sobriety, 369 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,440 which I call physical because I was physically sober, 370 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,360 but not spiritually sober. 371 00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,800 And I was absolutely miserable. 372 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:36,800 And also in that time, I'm bulimic since I was 11. 373 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:41,640 So I kept that up and that was a secret on the side and, 374 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,080 which I'm coming up on seven years of accidents, 375 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,800 but it took me that long. 376 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,560 So yeah, and I don't wanna do the steps. 377 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,240 I'm miserable, I'm thinking of ways how to jump off our roof 378 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,360 and my mind, ah, dude, I'm gonna land on this car 379 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:59,560 and maybe I'll break the leg and that's it, you know? 380 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,640 Because even in sobriety, I wanted to die, you know? 381 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,800 And the answers were right there, you know, in front of me, 382 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,440 get a sponsor, work the staff. 383 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,200 I was a service, but it only lasted so long. 384 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,280 If you're not, if you're doing like one thing in AA, 385 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,320 that's not gonna help you stay sober. 386 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,240 It's just, isn't it? 387 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,120 You know, everything has to come hand in hand. 388 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,280 My friend used to tell me, if you're stuck on an island, 389 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,560 but you got the big book, I won't stay sober. 390 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:29,040 I need y'all, I need commitments, I need sponsees, 391 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,240 I need my sponsor. 392 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:31,320 This is how it works. 393 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:32,880 You know, I've stayed sober. 394 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:36,560 Thank God I went into treatment for my eating disorder 395 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,960 almost seven years ago, but it's all come to hit. 396 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,160 I'm so grateful I didn't go out, you know? 397 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,480 Believing in God was the hardest thing for me 398 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:46,480 to believe again. 399 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,320 And I have a strong, higher power. 400 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,400 And I call, it's a he. 401 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:57,400 He thinks that I'm hilarious, you know? 402 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,040 He just laughs at me all day long, you know? 403 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:01,320 Especially my thoughts. 404 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,520 And, you know, I have an amazing sponsor 405 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,040 and I can say her name, Jeannie Rab. 406 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:12,000 And she's got like 36 years and she met, 407 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,280 she saw me come in. 408 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,040 She had like eight years, I think, 409 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,360 or something like that when I came in. 410 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:20,640 And she saw me grow up in these rooms, you know? 411 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,000 She saw me angry, she saw me sad, all those things. 412 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,840 And, you know, I got married in alcoholic synonymous, 413 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,600 legally in Hawaii. 414 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:34,000 I have two boys who are 16 and 12 now. 415 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,160 And they are the loves of my life. 416 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:40,400 But I get to, I get to get up every morning and go to work. 417 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:45,040 I get to, and I get to go or show up, you know, 418 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,760 at a meeting, you know what I mean? 419 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:47,960 I'm not doing anything. 420 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,280 If I had a prior commitment, I would say that. 421 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,120 Am I sick? 422 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,920 No, you know, I show up, period, you know? 423 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,480 And it's really hot in here. 424 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:57,840 Just wanna let you guys know that. 425 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,840 (audience laughing) 426 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:05,320 Oh my God. 427 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,520 That's menopause. 428 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,440 (audience laughing) 429 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:12,480 No, but really. 430 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,560 So, so, you know, where was I? 431 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:16,840 - What did I say? 432 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,160 - My boys, you know, I get to, 433 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:23,120 I get to help raise these boys, you know? 434 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:24,800 They're amazing kids. 435 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:25,680 And guess what? 436 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,720 I didn't repeat the cycle, you know? 437 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:31,480 They don't know what it's like to be beat or hidden 438 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,480 or shamed or humiliated. 439 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,920 And they never will, not from me, you know? 440 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:40,680 And my ex partner, she's amazing, you know? 441 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,720 Great mom, we're both great moms. 442 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,440 And they're good kids. 443 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,560 They can come to us and, you know, 444 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,120 hey, this is what's going on, you know? 445 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:51,240 Plus she's a psychoanalytical doctor. 446 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:55,440 But we've always been open with them. 447 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,600 That's why they come to us. 448 00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:58,600 They don't hold secrets. 449 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,040 They know they're not going to get beat 450 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,000 if they tell us what's going on, you know? 451 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,280 They're just amazing kids. 452 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:08,840 And I have an amazing relationship right now in my life. 453 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,960 And, you know, and that's all due to Alcoholics Anonymous. 454 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,440 Alcoholics Anonymous got me to the eating disorder place. 455 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:19,240 You know, maybe if I had gotten abstinent when I got sober, 456 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:20,280 it wouldn't have worked out. 457 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,280 Just wasn't my path. 458 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,600 And so, you know, I've trudged this. 459 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,920 I've worked, I've done the steps. 460 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,840 I sponsor people, women in the program. 461 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,040 And I love my life. 462 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,480 I love my life, you know? 463 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:37,360 And like you were sharing that I needed to hear, 464 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,160 I, when I turned, I turned 24 years, 465 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,080 I mean, 28 years sober on the 24th of January. 466 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,840 And on the 22nd of January, 467 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,880 my sister died from this disease. 468 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,080 And I'm from Texas. 469 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,160 And, but she was found in a parking lot, 470 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,920 an emergency room outside. 471 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,880 And there was a little deep freeze. 472 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,120 And she died of hypothermia. 473 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,160 'Cause she didn't, her ego and pride, 474 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,360 they were asking her, please come inside. 475 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:02,920 It's too cold out there. 476 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,280 And she had sores on her leg. 477 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,920 And then they saw her, whatever. 478 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,000 And, you know, she's lost her kid. 479 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,800 Like, I don't know how many times from CPS, is that right? 480 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,560 Have taken her, her child. 481 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:19,840 She's lived down the streets. 482 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,600 She's, she was the one, you know, she's five years. 483 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,720 She was 46 when she passed away. 484 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:27,560 And she was a great person, amazing person. 485 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:31,000 And I did everything that my sponsor had taught me. 486 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,600 Write her your story, send her a big book. 487 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,420 Instead of keep, instead of you sending her money 488 00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:40,560 constantly, send her a box of food, clothes. 489 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:41,560 I did those things. 490 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,720 And I did everything, you know, 491 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:45,640 how you're sharing so that really, 492 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,880 and it's still fresh, you know what I mean? 493 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:52,880 And so this disease, alcoholism, the other stuff, 494 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:56,000 it kills, you know, and I know I did everything 495 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,960 that I could to see if she would make it 496 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,560 into the rooms one day. 497 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,680 And she knew about it. 498 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:02,800 She knew about AA. 499 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,240 She knew my story and it just didn't happen. 500 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,760 You know, only thing that I carry now is that 501 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,680 she's here with me right now and the message. 502 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:14,240 So anyway, that was a hard blow. 503 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,680 And then two days later, I turned 28 and I went to Texas. 504 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:18,760 I went to the funeral. 505 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:22,180 AA showed up, shows up wherever I go. 506 00:23:22,180 --> 00:23:27,080 I was a good daughter to a woman, a mother who I hated, 507 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,120 but I had forgiven her already. 508 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:32,800 And, you know, again, Alcoholics Anonymous 509 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,600 has showed up in my life and it continues to. 510 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,840 And I was there for my younger brothers and sisters. 511 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:42,100 I didn't break down even though I wanted to. 512 00:23:42,100 --> 00:23:42,940 Pardon me, what? 513 00:23:42,940 --> 00:23:43,780 I'm good? 514 00:23:43,780 --> 00:23:44,600 Okay. 515 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:45,440 All right. 516 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:46,280 Don't yell at me again. 517 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,840 (laughing) 518 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:53,160 But, you know, it was one of those things 519 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:58,160 where I was on the plane coming home and I'm in my mind, 520 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,720 I'm like, I can't think of anything good 521 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:01,880 that we did together. 522 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,680 Like funny, it was just blank and I couldn't cry 523 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,600 and I couldn't feel, you know? 524 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,340 And I came back and I saw my sponsor and I said, 525 00:24:10,340 --> 00:24:11,960 Jeannie, I can't cry. 526 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,160 I don't, there's nothing that, you know, 527 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,580 I can't even think of something good. 528 00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:18,120 And she said, Mary Cleo, I've known you 529 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,040 since you walked into these rooms 530 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,520 and your sister has been on the run 531 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:25,960 and you have cried so many tears for decades now 532 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,920 that maybe you're just out of tears, you know? 533 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,800 And when she said that, it made so much sense. 534 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,800 So I've been able to grieve her 535 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,480 in the way that I'm grieving her 536 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,640 by sharing her story with y'all. 537 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,400 And that's why it's like, thank you so much 538 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,480 for sharing your story and Alcoholics Anonymous. 539 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,200 You know, I don't wanna be the people 540 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,260 that get so much time, double, you know, 541 00:24:48,260 --> 00:24:50,480 20, 30 or whatever years. 542 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,920 And one day they say, I'm good. 543 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:54,360 I don't need it anymore. 544 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,880 You know, I'm well, you know. 545 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,400 And my sponsor says, that's a scary point 546 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:01,840 because they've forgotten. 547 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:03,480 The reason they got all that time 548 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,520 is because they were doing the work in Alcoholics Anonymous 549 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,760 by giving it away, you know, helping another alcoholic. 550 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:11,920 And then pretty soon it's like, 551 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,160 like there's a story in the big book, you know, 552 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,240 they kick off the shoes and they're drinking, you know, 553 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,400 and they die five years later from alcoholism. 554 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:24,400 And it scares me, but in a good way where I stay grounded. 555 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,600 You know, I owe Alcoholics Anonymous my life. 556 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:32,040 You know, the pillars that would hug me 557 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,580 and I didn't wanna be hugged. 558 00:25:33,580 --> 00:25:36,320 You know, the ones that said, my friend Michael, 559 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,920 hey, has anybody told you that they loved you today? 560 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:40,720 And I'm like, no, why would they? 561 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,380 No, that's a stupid question. 562 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:44,480 And he's like, I love you. 563 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:48,640 And then it's like, oh my God, I'm gonna break down crying. 564 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,800 Oh my God, thank you. 565 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,080 You know, old school Maurice Stenner 566 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:56,320 that used to disrupt my, I don't know if anybody touched me, 567 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,080 but this lady was magic. 568 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,640 And she said, sweetie, it's gonna be okay. 569 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:03,160 You know, and I didn't believe her, 570 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:08,000 but the thought of somebody saying that to me was so huge. 571 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,760 And so, yeah, I've grown up in these rooms. 572 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,440 I'm gonna be 52 next month. 573 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,780 And I'm not okay with that. 574 00:26:14,780 --> 00:26:17,660 (laughing) 575 00:26:17,660 --> 00:26:21,000 But I, you know, I love my life. 576 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,800 You know, the day that I actually committed myself, 577 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:28,240 and this is years after, trust me, you know, to step on, 578 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:32,080 you know, was the biggest step, you know, surrendering. 579 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,920 You know, my life has become unmanageable. 580 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:39,760 You know, it's crazy where I was able 581 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:44,760 to actually have open eyes and ears to hear the message, 582 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:49,040 you know, 'cause I thought I could just float, you know, 583 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,960 and I'm watching everybody else go out. 584 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,640 And believe me, I've been to a lot of funerals 585 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:57,360 and I thought we would be doing this path together. 586 00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,440 Why did he go out and die? 587 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,360 And I haven't gone out and I'm doing less 588 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:02,720 of what I thought he, I mean, 589 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,440 he was doing or she was doing. 590 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,440 And, you know, and that's why I'm still here. 591 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:09,480 You know, I'm here, you know, 592 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:14,480 because I need you guys so much and I don't know you, 593 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:17,480 but like I needed to be here tonight. 594 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:18,400 So thank you, Scott. 595 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,040 I needed to hear your story, you know? 596 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,920 And, you know, when I got to the step three, 597 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,720 that was hard, you know, you know, 598 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,320 came to believe that, you know, all that stuff. 599 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,480 And I really had to dig deep with that 600 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,440 because I knew that if I couldn't follow through 601 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,440 with step three, there's no way I was gonna be honest 602 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,560 in my four step, there is no way. 603 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:44,160 I'm not putting down things that I really thought 604 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,480 I was gonna take to the grave with me. 605 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,240 So I dug deep and I wrote, I did my four step 606 00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:51,400 and I did my fifth step with my sponsor. 607 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:55,000 And I remember she gave me a marker and she says, 608 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:56,920 I'm reading it to her when I was a kid. 609 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:58,880 And then this happened, this was my part. 610 00:27:58,880 --> 00:27:59,880 She's like, cross that out. 611 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:00,720 Thank you, sir. 612 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,000 And cross it out, you were a child. 613 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,480 You had nothing to do with any of this stuff. 614 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,640 And then, you know, six and seven were like, 615 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,680 I'm gonna have character defects removed. 616 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:10,520 Really? 617 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:13,720 You know, I'm just aware of them now, quicker, faster. 618 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:15,640 Like, oh yeah, not gonna happen. 619 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:20,240 Nine step, did my meds and I stay in meditation. 620 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,200 Sometimes I have to do it two or three times a day. 621 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:24,200 And I carried a message. 622 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:26,200 Just how everybody did it for me 623 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:28,160 when I wasn't even willing, you know, 624 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:32,440 I believe in a God today and I love who I see in the mirror. 625 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,080 That's, well, thank you. 626 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:35,760 This toilet is full. 627 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,560 (audience laughing) 628 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:39,400 I hear you. 629 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:45,040 But anyway, thank you guys for doing a 12 step on me. 630 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:46,760 There's a lot of people here I don't know, 631 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:48,200 but I love you guys, man. 632 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:49,040 Thank you.