1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,880 - Good evening, everyone. 2 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,600 My name's Melissa and I am an alcoholic. 3 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:10,700 I'm really, really happy to be here. 4 00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:13,040 Thank you, Scott, for asking me. 5 00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:14,880 I love and adore you so much 6 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,700 and I swear you just get more handsome every year. 7 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:22,280 But keep doing it. 8 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:26,880 Scott asked me, I think he texted me on Tuesday 9 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,640 and he asked me if I would speak tonight 10 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:34,640 and I said, "Well, but I turned 10 years sober on Saturday." 11 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:38,480 And he said, "Well, yeah, that's why I'm asking you." 12 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:43,480 So today, I'm 10 years sober today, May 28th, 2012. 13 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:47,440 I remember that day like it was yesterday 14 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,120 and so I'm here celebrating my 10 years 15 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:52,480 and I couldn't be more grateful 16 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,120 and there's nowhere else I'd rather be, honestly. 17 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:57,820 I'll tell you what my day looked like 18 00:00:57,820 --> 00:01:00,080 because we're all friends here, right? 19 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,920 So I wake up in the morning 20 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,760 and the first thing I do when I wake up 21 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,920 is I have a conversation with my higher power. 22 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,040 That's the very first thing I do. 23 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,460 Every night when I go to bed 24 00:01:12,460 --> 00:01:14,280 and every morning when I wake up 25 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,160 and I ask God to just direct my thinking 26 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:20,080 and I tell God, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do." 27 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,220 Whatever it is. 28 00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:25,440 And I will try to do it with some dignity, some grace 29 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:30,640 and just act as you would. 30 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,060 I really do. 31 00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:33,760 So I did that this morning 32 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,160 and then it hit me that I was 10 years sober 33 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:39,360 and did a little happy dance in my mind 34 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,760 and I was like, "I can't believe it." 35 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,800 I honestly cannot believe it. 36 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,360 It is a miracle. 37 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:45,640 And then I went to work 38 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:49,240 and I work with recovering addicts and alcoholics 39 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,880 and I've been doing that for about 10 years now. 40 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,740 And so I spent my day with them 41 00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:56,640 and they have their family visits 42 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,480 and they have all their wonderful things that they're doing 43 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,840 and I'm just there observing it all 44 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,640 and asking myself, "How did I get here? 45 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,120 How did I get here?" 46 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:10,760 I was born and raised in San Fernando Valley my entire life. 47 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:15,760 Never envisioned leaving the San Fernando Valley ever. 48 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,960 But three years ago, I got an opportunity 49 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,480 to work for a different treatment center 50 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:27,480 and I took a leap of faith and I took the opportunity 51 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,280 and I've never regretted it once. 52 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,000 I'll talk a little bit more about that later 53 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,340 but I went to work. 54 00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:36,800 I got a call from somebody that's really struggling 55 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,480 that wanted to leave a sober living environment 56 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,300 that's worked really hard. 57 00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:43,480 And I went to go see this person 58 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,160 and I was able to talk to them a little bit 59 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,360 and try to get them to unpack their belongings 60 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,400 and just stay another day. 61 00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:55,000 And I did that and then I came home 62 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,060 and now I'm here with you guys. 63 00:02:57,060 --> 00:03:01,880 And you know, this was not my life 10 years ago. 64 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:05,580 And this is, it's amazing. 65 00:03:05,580 --> 00:03:07,920 It really, really is. 66 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,920 So what it was like. 67 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:14,920 So I think personally that I came out of the womb 68 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,760 really, really thirsty. 69 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,420 I really believe that. 70 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,880 I was told growing up that I was just an unhappy, 71 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:26,340 restless, irritable kid. 72 00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,780 And you know, my grandma, when I was three years old, 73 00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:30,800 my grandma used to tell my mom all the time, 74 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,600 you know, this one's gonna be trouble. 75 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,200 This one's gonna be trouble. 76 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:35,540 And she was right. 77 00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:38,240 You know, I really was, I just was not, 78 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,240 I just was not happy at all. 79 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,280 I was just restless, irritable and discontent. 80 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,100 I don't know, you know, 81 00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:46,020 but my grandmother did make my inventory. 82 00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:47,640 I was like, so three years old, 83 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,120 I've got a resentment already. 84 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:54,120 Anyways, so I was doing okay until about fourth grade, 85 00:03:54,120 --> 00:04:00,920 I'd say, and I moved to a completely different school. 86 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:04,440 And when I got to that school, 87 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,840 it was the middle semester of that school 88 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,600 or the middle of the school year. 89 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,120 And I didn't know anyone. 90 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:14,520 And I started to get bullied pretty immediately. 91 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:19,520 I was bullied because my last name is Luna, 92 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,440 but I don't speak Spanish. 93 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,620 And so I was bullied for having a panic 94 00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:27,960 and not speaking Spanish. 95 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,040 And you know, kids just can be really mean. 96 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,120 And so what happened was, 97 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,600 is I started ditching school in fourth grade. 98 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,320 I was scared all the time. 99 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,120 I was being threatened to be beat up all the time. 100 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,560 And so I started ditching school 101 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:48,040 and I started hanging out with kids that smoked pot 102 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:52,260 and they were experimenting with alcohol. 103 00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:55,720 And I remember I didn't start drinking 104 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,100 or smoking pot right away, 105 00:04:57,100 --> 00:05:00,300 but I was ditching school pretty regularly. 106 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,800 And you know, I remember what it felt like 107 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,320 to even just ditch school and to get away with stuff. 108 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,340 And that to me was I think my first experience 109 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,880 really getting high, honestly. 110 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:13,200 I started drinking my very first drink. 111 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,040 I'll never forget it. 112 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,440 It was a lot like my last drink. 113 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:21,220 And there was about 20 years of drug use 114 00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:23,400 in between my first drink and my last drink. 115 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:28,400 So alcohol bookended my entire addiction. 116 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,180 And that's just kind of how it went. 117 00:05:30,180 --> 00:05:33,760 But my very first drink, I'll never forget what it was like. 118 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:37,760 I remember telling the person that was buying the alcohol, 119 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,740 I don't know if any of you ever drank Cisco before, 120 00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:45,740 but yeah, so the person that was purchasing the alcohol, 121 00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:47,940 I was in eighth grade, we were ditching school. 122 00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:50,280 And this person asked me, you know, 123 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:51,400 what do you want to drink? 124 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,960 And I had never drank before in my life. 125 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:58,360 And I said, well, I'll take three bottles of Cisco, 126 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,580 you know, and he said, are you sure? 127 00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:04,040 And I said, yeah, I love that stuff. 128 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,900 So I really did whatever I could to kind of fit in 129 00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,840 and be like a chameleon and, you know, 130 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:15,400 act as if all the time and act like this tough person. 131 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,120 But I really wasn't, I was so insecure 132 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,680 and just so full of fear. 133 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,840 And I just wanted to be liked by everybody. 134 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:25,000 And I just really just wanted to fit in so badly. 135 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,300 And so anyways, what wound up happening 136 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:32,000 is I wound up drinking that one bottle of Cisco, 137 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:36,320 one was enough, and I blacked out 138 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:40,920 and, you know, passed out and woke up in the shower. 139 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,280 And I woke up again at a completely different location. 140 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:45,880 And I really had no idea how I got 141 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,540 from one place to another. 142 00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:50,460 And that's what my very first drink looked like. 143 00:06:50,460 --> 00:06:53,240 You know, I was a blackout drinker from the very start, 144 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,720 the very first drink. 145 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:59,720 I did not have any kind of off or moderation or, you know, 146 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,480 anything it's like, you know, and that's, 147 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,800 and that's how my using looked, 148 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,580 that's how my using looked too. 149 00:07:05,580 --> 00:07:07,120 I mean, it was always like that. 150 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:10,800 You know, I never had any kind of concept 151 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,200 of I'm just gonna have a little bit. 152 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,800 I just didn't, I was always the person 153 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,600 that wanted to be the most intoxicated 154 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,400 and I would do whatever I could to be that way, 155 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,040 you know, as long as I could. 156 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:29,040 And so flash forward, you know, there was about, 157 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:35,040 I don't know, nine or 10 years of pretty heavy pot use, 158 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,760 you know, there wasn't a whole lot of alcohol, 159 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,920 but I was smoking pot pretty regularly 160 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,460 and I was smoking a lot of pot. 161 00:07:42,460 --> 00:07:45,860 I was able to get jobs and I was able to hold jobs down. 162 00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:51,720 And after a while I had met someone 163 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:55,240 that was actually into, and I hope, you know, 164 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,320 talking about my drug use doesn't offend anybody, 165 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,320 but it is part of my story. 166 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,080 It's a big part of my story, but you know, 167 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:07,880 the disease of alcoholism, it is progressive, you know, 168 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,760 and it shows up in a lot of different ways. 169 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:15,460 And so for me, you know, it's just their drug use in it. 170 00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:18,640 So I'm gonna just talk about it and I hope that's okay. 171 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:23,280 So for me, what happened was is I met someone 172 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,220 and of course it was a dude and he was really cute, 173 00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:27,800 you know, he was really cute. 174 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:32,680 He happened to be into meth. 175 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:37,160 He was into meth and I had no idea what that was about, 176 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,520 you know, I didn't know anything about it. 177 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,500 And I tried it for the very first time. 178 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:45,040 And of course, you know, I didn't really like it 179 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,920 because I was so used to being a pot smoker. 180 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:51,300 But you know, after a while, if you do anything enough, 181 00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:54,760 you know, you start to develop a tolerance for it. 182 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:59,760 And so I did, and I wound up using crystal methamphetamine 183 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:05,240 for 10 years and what that drug did was it brought me 184 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:10,240 to my knees, you know, in a lot of horrific, horrific ways. 185 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,760 How much time do I have left? 186 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,480 I'm sorry, I meant to start my own timer. 187 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,520 20 minutes, okay, cool, okay, cool. 188 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,480 I did, you know, I was able to have, 189 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,200 I had a really good job. 190 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:23,560 I got a really good job, I think I was about 19 191 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:27,280 and I hadn't quite started smoking meth yet, 192 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,160 but I got a really good job in real estate. 193 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,480 And you know, I was a notary public. 194 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,200 There were a lot of things at that time that I was proud of 195 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:40,040 at that time that I had made some achievements in my life. 196 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,360 But when I started to smoke meth 197 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:45,380 and my disease started to progress, 198 00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:48,200 I started doing things that I would never do, you know. 199 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:51,920 I started drawing a whole lot of lines in the sand 200 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:55,040 and crossing them every single time. 201 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,920 And what I wound up doing is I wound up doing 202 00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:00,640 a lot of illegal activity 203 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:04,000 and things that I'm not proud of at all. 204 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:08,120 And I've worked to make amends in these areas 205 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,400 and I'm still working on these amends 206 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,440 because I've heard a lot of people and you know what, 207 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:17,240 they have no idea that I did some of the things that I did 208 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,960 just to fuel my drug addiction at that time. 209 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,800 What wound up happening is I, you know, 210 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:28,800 the real estate market crashed around 2005, 2006 211 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,120 and there was no more real estate. 212 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,560 You know, there was no more money. 213 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,320 And so what wound up happening is I wound up turning 214 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:39,520 to only criminal activity at that time 215 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:43,760 and wound up going to prison for 18 months. 216 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:48,760 I was 30 years old when I got arrested 217 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:52,640 and I'll never forget the day that I was arrested 218 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:57,640 because, you know, so many times I had wanted to stop. 219 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,980 So many times I had said to myself, you need to stop. 220 00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:03,080 And I could not stop, you know, 221 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,240 no matter how much I wanted to stop, 222 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,160 no matter how badly I wanted to stop, 223 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,760 my addiction was just so, it was out of control. 224 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,560 It was beyond me, you know? 225 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,400 And I look at the people that come into treatment 226 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,220 that I work with every day and I say to myself, 227 00:11:17,220 --> 00:11:19,880 I'm just so proud of them, you know, 228 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:23,260 for just making it in there and, you know, 229 00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:27,840 having a seat and staying because I could not do that. 230 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:31,160 At the point in time that I got arrested, 231 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,040 I, you know, I had stopped showering. 232 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:36,020 I had stopped brushing my teeth. 233 00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:37,380 I had stopped brushing my hair. 234 00:11:37,380 --> 00:11:39,900 I was talking to inanimate objects. 235 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:44,240 I was just so far gone, you know? 236 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:48,300 I just was a shell, a shell of a person at that point. 237 00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:51,080 And so the day that I got arrested, 238 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,100 I will never forget what it was like sitting 239 00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:56,280 in the back of that police car and the detective, 240 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,240 who was a woman, me asking her, you know, 241 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,680 am I gonna get to go home tonight? 242 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,720 And she said to me, no, you know, 243 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,040 you're not going home for a really long time. 244 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,620 And I'll never forget the look on her face 245 00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:13,320 and just how sad she was, you know, how sad she was. 246 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,060 And I remember sitting back and, you know, 247 00:12:15,060 --> 00:12:18,320 this is part of, when I was early, early on, 248 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,260 I had to do a lot of playing the tape 249 00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:22,920 all the way through to the very end. 250 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,320 It's a relapse prevention tool. 251 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:26,680 And I had to use that a lot. 252 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:31,000 And this significant period of my life is, you know, 253 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,980 embedded in that tape because I will never forget 254 00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:36,560 what it was like to sit back in that police car 255 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:41,120 and to finally just feel myself relaxed, you know? 256 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,640 I had been running for such a long time 257 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,480 and I was so tired, you know? 258 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:50,640 And finally, you know, I believe that God did for me 259 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,000 what I couldn't do for myself because there was no way 260 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,660 I was ever gonna walk into a treatment center and surrender. 261 00:12:56,660 --> 00:12:57,920 There was just no way, you know, 262 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,160 I had to be taken off the street. 263 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,720 And so I'm incredibly grateful. 264 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,640 And actually after I got out, 265 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,380 and a little while after I got out, 266 00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:10,260 I actually went to go find that detective to thank her 267 00:13:10,260 --> 00:13:11,320 for saving my life. 268 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:15,720 And she had already retired, so I was never able to do that. 269 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,160 But that's, you know, another amends I make to society. 270 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:22,480 It's just, I stay sober, you know, I stay sober. 271 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,160 And so flash forward. 272 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:28,320 You know, when I got arrested and I did my time, 273 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,080 I knew that I was a drug addict 274 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:33,340 and I knew that I was never gonna do drugs again. 275 00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:37,060 I was done with them, but I wasn't so sure about alcohol. 276 00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:39,420 And so I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol. 277 00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:41,840 I never thought about what my first time drinking looked 278 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:46,320 like, but I did try some controlled drinking 279 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,080 for about a year after I got out. 280 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:51,080 And my very last time drinking, 281 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,400 it looked a lot like my first time drinking, you know, 282 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,040 there was just no difference. 283 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,640 And so I said to myself that morning, I said, you know, 284 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,400 you feel exactly the same way that you used to feel 285 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,320 when you were on drugs. 286 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,520 And so you need to be sober. 287 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,280 And so I made the decision that morning 288 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,840 that I was gonna be sober and I was gonna stay sober. 289 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:15,840 And that was, you know, May 27th, 2012. 290 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,960 I had drank that morning. 291 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:22,080 So it took me a long time to come to AA, unfortunately. 292 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:27,080 You know, I tried my damnedest to not have to come to AA. 293 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:32,480 I wanted so badly to be able to do it on my own. 294 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,660 And so I self-willed it. 295 00:14:35,660 --> 00:14:40,660 Man, I white knuckled it and at almost three years sober, 296 00:14:40,660 --> 00:14:44,840 I started having suicidal thoughts. 297 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,400 And so I became suicidal. 298 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,800 I was full of anxiety. 299 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,920 I was having visions of me driving headfirst 300 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:57,920 into oncoming traffic and I could not get away from myself. 301 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,800 I had absolutely no program whatsoever. 302 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,700 I had no concept of what a higher power was. 303 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,800 I had no knowledge of really looking 304 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,380 at my character defects and what that looks like 305 00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:09,880 to work on them. 306 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:13,760 I was just riddled with just so much fear. 307 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,720 And, you know, I told you that I've been working 308 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:21,480 in recovery and treatment for my entire sobriety. 309 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,180 And so I'm really lucky in that sense 310 00:15:24,180 --> 00:15:26,000 because I've always been surrounded 311 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,960 by people that are in recovery. 312 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:28,960 And you know what? 313 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,860 People that are in recovery are the only people I trust, 314 00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:35,000 honestly, because they tell us how it is, you know? 315 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,680 And we may not always like it, 316 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,320 but it's always right on time. 317 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,880 At least that's been my experience. 318 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:44,320 And so there is somebody that I really know 319 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:45,600 and love and admire. 320 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,620 And I went to her and I said, 321 00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,320 "I don't know what's going on with me, 322 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,200 but I'm either gonna shoot myself. 323 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:57,200 I'm going to relapse or I don't know what's gonna happen." 324 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,560 And she said, "You know, well, why don't you try going 325 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,680 to an AA meeting?" 326 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:06,280 And I said, "Oh yeah, you know, okay, I'll do that. 327 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:07,160 You know, I'll do that. 328 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,280 That's a great idea." 329 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:09,480 It didn't even occur to me. 330 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:10,700 It didn't even dawn on me. 331 00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:13,040 I just, I was out of my mind, you know? 332 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,840 And so I did, I wound up going to a meeting that night 333 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,080 and you know, the guy that was there, he said, 334 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,920 "Well, why don't you go to this meeting? 335 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,200 That's tomorrow night. 336 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,520 There's a lot of women there with great sobriety. 337 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,800 And you know, you'll find a sponsor there." 338 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,820 And I said, "Okay." 339 00:16:29,820 --> 00:16:32,760 And so I went to that meeting that Thursday night 340 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,200 and the first woman that introduced herself to me, 341 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,160 I grabbed onto her and I just didn't let go, you know? 342 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:43,020 I was so desperate, desperate and dying. 343 00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:44,340 I was literally dying. 344 00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:49,340 And you know, that's how I know I am an alcoholic, you know? 345 00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:51,960 Because I didn't have any solution at all. 346 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,860 And all I was doing was just not drinking or using. 347 00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:55,780 That's all I was doing. 348 00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:57,140 I didn't know how to live. 349 00:16:57,140 --> 00:16:57,980 I didn't know how to live. 350 00:16:57,980 --> 00:16:59,780 I didn't know anything. 351 00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:01,120 I didn't know anything about myself. 352 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:05,160 You know, it was only through working the program 353 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:06,240 of Alcoholics Anonymous 354 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,380 that I was able to really learn about myself 355 00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:12,400 and learn what I need to do to take care of my alcoholism. 356 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,400 And so my sponsor, Angela, she, you know, 357 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,120 she had 19 years of sobriety and I wanted what she had. 358 00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,920 She was everything I needed, you know? 359 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:26,400 And I really trust, you know, my higher power immensely 360 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,640 because whenever I've needed something, 361 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,920 as long as I've been open-minded and willing, 362 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,600 my higher power is always provided 363 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,360 and put the right people in my life to just light the way. 364 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,560 And I really do believe 365 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:43,660 that my higher power shows up through people. 366 00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:47,920 And it's never, he's never not been on time, you know? 367 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,080 And so when she, how much time do I have? 368 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:51,920 20, okay. 369 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,060 When my sponsor, Angela, you know, 370 00:17:55,060 --> 00:17:59,080 I've always been a slow bloomer, I think, with recovery. 371 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,040 And I've always just been, you know, 372 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,140 I still struggle with defiance today, you know? 373 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:09,140 It's not as bad as it was, but when my sponsor told me, 374 00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:13,040 you know, well, you know, she took me through, 375 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,520 she took me through the steps and, you know, 376 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,320 step one was really easy for me. 377 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,240 I had no, there was no qualms about me being powerless 378 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:26,340 and my life being unmanageable because it clearly was. 379 00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:29,200 And it was unmanageable without alcohol, you know? 380 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,580 Without drugs, it was unmanageable. 381 00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:33,560 And so that part was easy. 382 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,480 When we came to step two, 383 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,760 I didn't really have a concept of a higher power 384 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:39,680 at that time, you know? 385 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:44,680 And all I really had was what I was exposed to growing up. 386 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:50,240 And, you know, my grandmother, she was very religious. 387 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:54,600 And what I remember is I remember her dragging us 388 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,100 is what it seemed like. 389 00:18:56,100 --> 00:19:00,880 She would drag us to church and I remember the pews 390 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,480 and I remember getting up, kneeling down, 391 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,840 getting up, kneeling down. 392 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,620 And that was only my only concept of what God was. 393 00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:11,200 And I honestly, I didn't really want any of that. 394 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,600 And so, you know, thank God for this program 395 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:18,520 and thank God that we get to create our own concept, 396 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,840 you know, and my sponsor, she sat me down 397 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,520 and she had me do, you know, my old concepts 398 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,320 of what God was. 399 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:30,560 And then she had me do what I want my concepts 400 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,480 of God and higher power to be. 401 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:36,720 And, you know, without that, without her doing that with me, 402 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:41,720 I wouldn't have been able to surrender anything to anyone 403 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,280 because I needed to have a clear understanding 404 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,200 of what my higher power is. 405 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,880 And what I've found over the years 406 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:54,220 is that the more I grow in recovery, 407 00:19:54,220 --> 00:19:58,280 the more my higher power has grown. 408 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,880 My higher power has started off as one thing 409 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,080 and today it's something completely different, 410 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:08,840 but with still original parts in there. 411 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:12,360 And so step two was life-changing for me. 412 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,000 I'm so grateful that I had a sponsor 413 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,000 that knew how to explain things to me. 414 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,680 It was very important because I didn't know 415 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,140 what the hell was going on. 416 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:24,100 And so step three was then easy 417 00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:26,200 because I worked step two with her 418 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,380 and I had a clear understanding. 419 00:20:28,380 --> 00:20:29,840 Step four was hard. 420 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:30,920 It was really hard. 421 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:35,040 I did not want to do the inventory at all. 422 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,960 I didn't want any part of it, you know, 423 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,920 and she would tell me to write stuff down 424 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,720 and I would say, but I don't have any resentments. 425 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,920 She would say, just write it down. 426 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,160 And I would say, but I don't have any resentments. 427 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,440 And she would say, you know what? 428 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:51,500 I don't care. 429 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,500 I don't care what you think. 430 00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:56,620 I don't care how you feel. 431 00:20:56,620 --> 00:20:58,980 I only care what you do. 432 00:20:58,980 --> 00:21:01,840 And you know, that has stuck with me today. 433 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,760 You know, when she says that, 434 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:08,020 that has burned a hole in my memory and it doesn't matter. 435 00:21:08,020 --> 00:21:10,920 It only matters what I do, you know? 436 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,480 And I think about that every day. 437 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:17,480 And so what happened was is I wound up just writing it down. 438 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,780 I did exactly like she told me to do and I wrote it down. 439 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,960 And she spent, you know, when we went through my inventory, 440 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:29,200 she spent about, it was about 15 hours total, you know, 441 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,020 that came out of that inventory. 442 00:21:31,020 --> 00:21:32,240 Okay, thank you. 443 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,480 It was about 15 hours total 444 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,400 that we spent out of that inventory. 445 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,360 And that, if anybody has not done the inventory, 446 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:44,800 I cannot tell you how life-changing it is, you know? 447 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,520 It's something that you have to experience for yourself. 448 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,680 And I highly, highly recommend it 449 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,360 because I learned so much about myself in that inventory. 450 00:21:55,360 --> 00:22:00,360 And my, you know, my character defects where they were, 451 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,280 there's just a lot that I had to work on 452 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,640 and there's a lot that I still have to work on today. 453 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:11,640 And it was just such a great experience doing the inventory. 454 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,760 And I was able to make my amends. 455 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,360 You know, it took me a long time. 456 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:17,440 I didn't actually start making amends 457 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:21,800 till I was about probably about six years sober. 458 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,360 It took me a long time to become willing to make amends. 459 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:27,240 I didn't really talk a whole lot about like my childhood 460 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,360 and what it was like growing up. 461 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,440 But there were a lot of, you know, 462 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:35,560 there was a lot of things that I had to learn 463 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:40,560 how to forgive people for what happened to me growing up. 464 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,360 But I was able to do that through the process of the amends. 465 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:45,840 And I was able to own my part 466 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,000 through the process of the amends. 467 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:52,000 And that was another incredible experience that I had 468 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:57,040 as a result of coming to AA and finally surrendering to it. 469 00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:01,040 What it's like today, you know, I have, like I said, 470 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,520 you know, I have a really good relationship 471 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,120 with my higher power, you know, 472 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:08,560 I've come to rely on my higher power for everything. 473 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,800 I do, you know, I do three meetings a week. 474 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:14,040 You know, my program has not always been the best, 475 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,800 you know, it's been challenging. 476 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,200 I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous 477 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,440 until I was almost three years sober, you know, 478 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,800 and it's been challenging where I've come and I've gone 479 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,800 and I've come and I've left. 480 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,800 But the one thing remains the same 481 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,800 is that I know where I need to be if I'm struggling, 482 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,040 you know, and I thank God for AA. 483 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:38,400 So today I've stepped up my meeting attendance, 484 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,840 you know, I'm doing three meetings a week now. 485 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,800 I got a sponsor, a new sponsor out here in San Jose. 486 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:46,920 You know, that's another thing 487 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:50,000 it's been challenging out here is because meetings out here, 488 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,800 they're not like meetings back home, you know, 489 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,000 it's different that the sobriety out here is different, 490 00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:00,200 but I have to suck it up and I have to, 491 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,080 I don't wanna lose what I have today, you know, 492 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,760 I work really hard to get to where I am today. 493 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,960 And so I'm surrendering, you know, 494 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,960 each day I surrender a little bit more. 495 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,560 And so I'm doing three meetings a week. 496 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,840 I got a sponsor, we're gonna meet tomorrow. 497 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,640 We're gonna have a conversation, you know, 498 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,120 probably do some step work. 499 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,760 And my relationship with my higher power 500 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,280 is stronger than ever, you know, 501 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,640 I practice a lot of gratitude every day. 502 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:33,640 I find that gratitude lists help tremendously. 503 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,560 I practice gratitude every day. 504 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,400 And, you know, I ask God to guide my thinking 505 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:44,400 all throughout the day to help me just to have positive 506 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,720 relationships with people, you know, 507 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,760 I struggle in that area, you know, 508 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:54,760 I still have a lot of like reactivity towards things 509 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,760 when things don't go my way. 510 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:01,520 And, you know, that is a work in progress. 511 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,720 And I feel like I'm gonna be working on that 512 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:08,080 for the rest of my life probably, 513 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:11,720 but I really try my hardest to just be a decent person, 514 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,040 you know, be a good person. 515 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,240 I don't steal from people anymore, 516 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,440 which is, you know, a huge thing. 517 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:22,200 And, you know, I just do the best that I can 518 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:27,000 and help when I can and be there for people when I can 519 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,160 and be there for myself, you know, 520 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:30,880 I show up for myself today. 521 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,840 There was such a long time where I just didn't care 522 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:35,840 about myself or what happened to myself. 523 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,360 So if you're here tonight and you haven't done 524 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,960 your inventory, this is my finger telling you, you know, 525 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,600 do it, it's worth it. 526 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:44,600 It's amazing. 527 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:49,320 I know it's scary, but I just, I highly recommend it. 528 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,200 So I think that's all I got. 529 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,560 Thank you so much, Scott, for that too soon. 530 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:55,840 All right, okay. 531 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,920 (indistinct chatter)