1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,520 - Thank you, Karen, very much. 2 00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:02,680 Thank you for your share. 3 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:04,600 It's amazing to hear somebody's story 4 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:05,800 that we've never heard before, 5 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:07,360 and I really appreciated hearing that. 6 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,000 And Scotty, thank you very much for... 7 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,400 Scott, Scotty. 8 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:11,240 Hi, Scotty. 9 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:12,060 How you doing? 10 00:00:12,060 --> 00:00:12,900 - Sit down. 11 00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:13,740 (laughing) 12 00:00:13,740 --> 00:00:17,000 - Thank you very much for asking me to speak tonight. 13 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,400 Hi everybody, my name is Todd. 14 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:19,840 I am an alcoholic. 15 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:25,460 I have a sober date of October 7, 2011. 16 00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:29,240 That makes me about 10 years, seven-ish months. 17 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:30,280 More importantly than that, 18 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:34,000 I have been sober for 556 Friday nights. 19 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,860 I've been counting my Friday nights since the very beginning. 20 00:00:36,860 --> 00:00:38,280 I got sober on a Friday, 21 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,780 so I just have always counted my Friday nights. 22 00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:42,680 And I mean, I remember coming in new and being like, 23 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,180 "You've been so proud of myself," you know? 24 00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:48,000 And it took me a minute to get sober. 25 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,920 I did not walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 26 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,400 and start doing what I was supposed to do. 27 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,600 I wasn't on the God program, I was on the Todd program. 28 00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:58,440 (laughing) 29 00:00:58,440 --> 00:00:59,540 I'm dumb. 30 00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:02,480 I came in not really knowing anything 31 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,440 about Alcoholics Anonymous, 32 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,340 not even really knowing the word recovery. 33 00:01:07,340 --> 00:01:08,760 You know, like I knew the word sober, 34 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,420 but I didn't really understand recovery in the slightest. 35 00:01:11,420 --> 00:01:13,120 I did not want to get sober. 36 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,120 I came in, they just, they dragged me into, 37 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,760 I mean, I was forced into the last house on the block. 38 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,200 It was either, you know, go with, you know, 39 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:25,200 go with Satan or walk into the last house on the block. 40 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:28,860 And I have to tell you, when I first came 41 00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:32,120 into Alcoholics Anonymous, I definitely was suffering 42 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:36,440 from grave emotional disorders, as it says in the reading. 43 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,000 And I really appreciate what you have to say 44 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,200 about mental illness, because it's definitely something 45 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:44,300 that a lot of alcoholics and drug addicts have to cope with. 46 00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:48,720 It's maybe one of the reasons why we drink 47 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:49,560 in the first place. 48 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,580 And it doesn't go away when we drink, you know? 49 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,900 It just kind of magnifies. 50 00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:59,360 And you know, I was a pretty stable guy 51 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:04,360 until I faced the great tragedy of my life. 52 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,000 And that pushed me over the edge. 53 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,440 And I'll talk about that in just a little minute here, 54 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:13,440 but let's just talk about when I first took my first drink. 55 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:17,200 So young, and it's just 14. 56 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,200 I was 12 though, and it was a Halloween party. 57 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,640 And I was dressed up as the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. 58 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,600 Four of us went, you know, it was a team costume. 59 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,120 And you know, if you know anything about the Tin Man, 60 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:32,000 I'm in a suit that you can't move. 61 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:35,120 It's like this, just real, real stiff and real. 62 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,420 And the person who was having the party, 63 00:02:38,420 --> 00:02:40,760 her father had a bar in the house 64 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,040 and she wanted to pour all of us rum and Cokes. 65 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:47,160 So I said, sure, no, I'll have one, why not? 66 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,720 And I remember drinking the first one 67 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,080 and I really didn't feel anything, 68 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,720 but I drank it like this, just like that. 69 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:56,120 I should have known, I should have known 70 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,720 because then I put my glass down 71 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,600 and she poured me a second one. 72 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,040 And I put that glass to my mouth 73 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,840 and literally just as I put it to my mouth, oh yeah, 74 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,160 I knew what this was about. 75 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:08,380 It was like water bubbles. 76 00:03:08,380 --> 00:03:10,400 It was just like bubbles everywhere. 77 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,560 And suddenly that real stiff costume got like, 78 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,960 all of a sudden I could move, you know, 79 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,520 and I was comfortable. 80 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,960 And I was, you know, of course in silver makeup, head to toe 81 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,080 and it was a pool part. 82 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,400 And so I got drunk with my friends 83 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,760 and it was time to go swimming. 84 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,880 And I ripped off that costume. 85 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,000 I want to jump at the pool. 86 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,000 I jumped in that pool. 87 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,400 And as soon as I did all that silver makeup 88 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,000 all over the top of the pool, 89 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,720 I was demoralized from the very first time I drank. 90 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,840 I mean, that story went on and on and on 91 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,680 for the entire year, how I ruined the pool. 92 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,120 Everybody came out with a silver sheet. 93 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,560 So, you know, my drinking was a problem the very first time, 94 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:55,920 but I certainly, you know, was in for the ride. 95 00:03:55,920 --> 00:04:00,160 And, you know, I too have a lot of drugs in my story. 96 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,620 Marijuana was my best friend. 97 00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:05,300 I was like the president of marijuana as I was in school. 98 00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:07,740 And I always rolled like 10 joints 99 00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:10,120 and put them in my little case and my back pocket. 100 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:11,040 I had them all day. 101 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:15,120 And, you know, I drank every chance I got after school. 102 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,040 We didn't go to school very often 103 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,440 because we stayed home and drank 104 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:19,760 or did drugs or whatever. 105 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:23,080 I let it take over my life. 106 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:24,500 I was mostly a good kid. 107 00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:27,380 So I kind of skate by, you know, 108 00:04:27,380 --> 00:04:30,040 I was sort of the kid that if I just showed up, 109 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,240 the teacher would give me a passing grade. 110 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:36,280 But what it meant was, is I was super sneaky. 111 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:39,180 I was never honest, you know. 112 00:04:39,180 --> 00:04:41,640 I was always, there was always, 113 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,520 I was always chasing KX, you know. 114 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:48,520 And I was never really successful in anything that I did. 115 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,000 I was just mildly skating by. 116 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,800 And I did believe in God. 117 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,040 I've always believed in God, 118 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:58,680 but it wasn't a relationship or a connection 119 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,260 or anything that I had any weight with. 120 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,500 It was just a respect, you know, 121 00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:06,240 out of respect for God because my rabbi said so. 122 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:07,480 It was somebody else's God. 123 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,720 I didn't ever think that, you know, 124 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:13,080 I could create a relationship with a higher power 125 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,520 that was suited to, that I was suited just to, 126 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:17,860 just to kick it with, you know, 127 00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:19,640 just to invite into my life. 128 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,400 So that meant I had no spirituality. 129 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,360 I had no spirituality at all. 130 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:28,360 And I just went through life joking and getting drunk 131 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,740 and getting high and getting you, getting them. 132 00:05:31,740 --> 00:05:34,480 And, you know, doing anything I could to fit in. 133 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:39,280 And I do skate by my teens and I do skate by my twenties. 134 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,120 Yeah, sure. 135 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,440 I ended up in the drunk tank a couple of times. 136 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,040 Yes, I took my car over the side of the three-way on a DUI. 137 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,960 Yes, I got in fights with people and relationships ended 138 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,260 because we were all just loaded out of our minds. 139 00:05:52,260 --> 00:05:54,680 I kind of thought that was just normal. 140 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,760 That was just the circle that I was in. 141 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,560 It didn't occur to me that, you know, 142 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,240 normal people stop drinking at a certain point. 143 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,680 You know, they have one or two and then that's it. 144 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,080 I always went to obliteration. 145 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,400 When I was in the bar, they would call last call 146 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,400 and I'd be the first one at that bar and I would order two 147 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,560 because I could certainly drink two in 10 minutes. 148 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:18,160 So I knew that I liked, well, looking back, 149 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,560 I know that I was an alcoholic. 150 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,160 At the time, I really didn't think that that way. 151 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,880 I just thought that was normal behavior. 152 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,200 That's what everybody did. 153 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,640 Then came my thirties and forties. 154 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:31,240 And the great tragedy of my life happens at age 41. 155 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:32,360 And I'll tell you what that was. 156 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:36,320 And it's the thing that knocked me into alcoholism. 157 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:40,960 I was in a relationship with somebody for 12 years 158 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,960 and we own a house out here in Lake Balboa. 159 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,880 And this person was a definite alcoholic 160 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:49,640 and a complete speed demon. 161 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:52,640 I mean, it was, he was out of his mind. 162 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:54,680 And of course, I'm the guy that just smokes pot 163 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,920 every 15 minutes, drinks at night, 164 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,400 does my, you know, have my cocaine Thursday shirt. 165 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:02,840 And, you know, but I wasn't like, I mean, 166 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,600 he was out of his mind with alcoholism and drug addiction. 167 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,840 And I was always judging him. 168 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,440 I was always in judgment of him. 169 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,640 You should stop, anyways, 170 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,600 after a particularly long run of his, 171 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:21,440 one Sunday, we had a very long argument all Sunday. 172 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,880 And it was one of these arguments where I was winning, 173 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,320 which I never really won our arguments. 174 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,720 You know, I always won, but just all day long, 175 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,800 it was me just winning, you know, the whole time. 176 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:36,280 And at the very end of the night, about 9.45 that night, 177 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,040 he took me out in our backyard and he put a gun to his head 178 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,600 and he blew his brains out in front of me and he won. 179 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:47,000 And that's how alcoholics and drug addicts win an argument, 180 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,400 by hurting somebody else, 181 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,880 by coming up with a permanent solution 182 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,720 to a temporary problem that they cannot take back. 183 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,120 And that's exactly what happened. 184 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:58,120 And he's as far away from me as Peggy is right now. 185 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,760 So I see everything, the light on the gun 186 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,920 and out the side and him, the body going down. 187 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,560 And it's absolute chaos and just agony. 188 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,800 And I flip out and I'm screaming and yelling 189 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,280 and running all through the house. 190 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,360 And I got to tell you, that changed my life. 191 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:19,280 There was not enough of my solution of drinking and using 192 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:23,600 to satisfy what that gunshot did to me. 193 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,760 He not only committed suicide himself, 194 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,280 but you know, he killed our relationship. 195 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:29,360 He killed my home life. 196 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:30,480 He killed my work life. 197 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,360 He killed my relationships with other people. 198 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,080 Anything that I used to do, I didn't want to do. 199 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,000 I stopped watching television. 200 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:39,240 I stopped talking on the phone. 201 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:43,280 Whatever I used to do, I was never going to do again. 202 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,320 Including some of the drugs 203 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:50,880 and the bigger drinking that came. 204 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,200 You know, I didn't hold back. 205 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,560 It's always been my solution. 206 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,480 I really, I had no God, I had no spirituality to lean on. 207 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,480 What else was I going to lean on but the before me? 208 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,600 So that's what I do and I find the worst drugs ever. 209 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:07,040 And within a very short amount of time, 210 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:11,280 I think within like 90 days, I lose about 60 pounds. 211 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,480 I become gravely ill. 212 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,640 Physically, I'm just dwindled. 213 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:21,640 I have no T cells in my body and I'm just a mental wreck. 214 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,960 You know, worse than the physical was the mental, 215 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,000 was the great emotional disorder that happened to me. 216 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,960 I just couldn't handle talking to anyone 217 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,160 or being with anyone and everyone in my life gave me, 218 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,240 it was funny, you know, they didn't know what to do 219 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,160 so they stayed away. 220 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,160 But they gave me concessions to drink and use 221 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,320 because of what I had witnessed. 222 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,840 It was a very odd thing. 223 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,120 And I, even though I completely isolated, 224 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:48,680 I still craved that, I've always been a social person. 225 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:52,720 So I kind of craved that interaction and I found that. 226 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,720 So this is 2006 when this happened. 227 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,440 And there was a new thing called the internet chat room. 228 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:02,360 And there was a webcam society that I fell into 229 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:05,520 and I got in a lot of trouble 230 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,600 that my sponsor knows everything about 231 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,840 and that we don't have to talk about here and now. 232 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:13,960 But trust me, it was a lot of trouble. 233 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,640 And to the point where people were like, 234 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,480 like actually stalking me, you know, 235 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,920 not just on the internet, but would come out of the woodwork 236 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,640 and I'd see people like in the market who would approach me 237 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:27,480 and, you know, I had let them know about the suicide 238 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,120 and they want to know, did I kill him? 239 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,640 And did I, you know, like it was like just a crazy time. 240 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,160 And then there were the, you know, 241 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,000 the witches and the voodoo and all the things, 242 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,040 all the barbs that they were throwing at me. 243 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,440 You know, you've heard the power of prayer is amazing, right? 244 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,680 The power of prayer can heal. 245 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,360 Well, when you have thousand or 10,000 246 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,080 or even a hundred thousand people praying at you, 247 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,920 and I say praying, P-R-E-Y, 248 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,920 a lot of spiritual barbs come your way 249 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,760 and a lot of satanic things started to happen 250 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,280 all over my house and I really fed into it. 251 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,440 And I was amazed by a lot of it. 252 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,200 I was scared by very little of it 253 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,920 and I wanted to catch you in the act. 254 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,400 So I let it happen, you know, I kept letting it happen. 255 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:14,800 And, you know, I have alien abduction in my story 256 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,120 and I'll tell you this too. 257 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:17,360 I don't care how sober I get. 258 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,760 I will always know what those aliens did to me. 259 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:23,600 Like I'll always know, but that's neither here nor there. 260 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:27,200 I really started to go out of my mind. 261 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:31,760 You know, just channeling and speaking in tongues 262 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:35,120 and just all kinds of crazy stuff. 263 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,480 And because I was being stalked on the internet, 264 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,960 I knew that everybody in my neighborhood was watching me. 265 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,960 So there's one morning where I decide I'm gonna get out 266 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,760 and crawl up on the roof of my house. 267 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:47,960 And it's a Saturday morning. 268 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,640 It's about nine, 30, 10 o'clock in the morning. 269 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,600 I'm wearing only boxer shorts. 270 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,920 Why I thought that was a good idea, I don't know, 271 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,040 but that's how it went. 272 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:59,240 And I got on the roof of my house in my boxer shorts 273 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,480 and I started orating to the entire neighborhood 274 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,480 to tell them exactly what they've been doing to me. 275 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,680 And how dare you, how dare you put me through this? 276 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,800 And I was just livid and mad. 277 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:13,400 And I am telling them I'm a nice Jewish (mumbles) 278 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,400 how dare you? 279 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,160 And a couple of houses away, 280 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,720 there must've been some kids playing 281 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,000 and I hear this little girl's voice and, you know, 282 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,120 they must be about nine years old. 283 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,280 She shouts up to me on the roof and she says, 284 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,040 "You're crazy, mister." 285 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:31,040 And I about lost it like I hadn't already, you know, 286 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,880 but I really lost it. 287 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:36,840 I got so mad that she told me that I was crazy 288 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,680 and I went to the very edge of the roof, 289 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:41,880 scream at these kids and I say, "You're crazy. 290 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,200 You and your parents, your parents are, you know, 291 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,400 you know what they're doing to me 292 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,400 and you and your foul-mouthed dog." 293 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,800 Because all the animals, of course, 294 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,080 are talking to me at this point. 295 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,960 So, you know, and somehow animals like to cuss. 296 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,320 I don't know why, but they did. 297 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,280 And then the palm trees came to life 298 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:57,720 and the birds every night would go, 299 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,440 "Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty." 300 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,880 Anyways, I scream at these children 301 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:07,880 and maybe 10 minutes later, six policemen in formation 302 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,840 come up my driveway, carrying their rifles. 303 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,480 And they asked me very politely, I suppose, 304 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,680 to come down off my roof. 305 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,400 And I look at these cops and I scream, 306 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,360 "You're not doing anything illegal. 307 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,800 I'm not doing anything, this is my house 308 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,760 and you should be talking to these people." 309 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,240 And I'm going crazy. 310 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,280 And they very calmly figured out a way 311 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:29,920 to coax me down off my roof. 312 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:31,320 And I thought they were gonna, you know, 313 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,840 bring me inside, make me a cup of coffee. 314 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,800 I don't know what I thought they were gonna do. 315 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,880 But instead they put me in handcuffs 316 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,560 and put me in the back of the squad car 317 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,000 and took me on my very first 5150. 318 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,160 And I say my very first because I had 319 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:48,400 probably 10, 12, 5150 instances. 320 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,720 And I hated being held, you know, 321 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,360 they don't let you drink and smoke in these places. 322 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:58,360 So I did my best to, you know, do what they said 323 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,440 'cause I wanted to get out, you know. 324 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,040 And as much as I hated being there, 325 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,800 I have to tell you that I am so grateful 326 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,440 that they took me to these hospitals 327 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,480 because it was in one of these hospitals 328 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,360 where for the very first time, 329 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,640 panel of alcoholics come in and they do an H&I panel 330 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,760 and it was four people. 331 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:22,760 And they tell me stories that were just monstrous, 332 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,120 you know, where they had come from 333 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,600 and what happened to them. 334 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,320 And then they tell me that they're sober. 335 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,800 And then here's the real head spinner. 336 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,720 It's not that they're pointing at me and they're going, 337 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,000 "You shouldn't drink, you need to stop. 338 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,840 You need to stop doing what you're doing." 339 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:39,840 They never did that. 340 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,800 What they did was I'm no longer think about drinking anymore. 341 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,480 The obsession has completely lifted. 342 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,560 I just don't think about it, you know. 343 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,040 The only time I think about it is when I'm in a meeting 344 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,000 talking about it. 345 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,560 But, you know, in my day-to-day life, 346 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:53,840 I never think about it. 347 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,680 And that was like, because I'm always thinking about it. 348 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,120 I could have a drink in my hand 349 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,440 and I want to know how full the bottle is. 350 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:05,320 You know, I never run out of my stash. 351 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,800 I have multiple dealers, you know, whatever it is, 352 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,720 I'm always going for the next one. 353 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,800 And I literally am the guy 354 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,280 that would take a hit of marijuana every 15 minutes 355 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,120 since I'm about 12 and a half years old. 356 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,240 And it was just a normal thing for me. 357 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:20,520 It was normal CB. 358 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,880 And for them to say that they had no obsession over it, 359 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,920 that's the first time that I heard something, 360 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,880 it was my moment of clarity where I thought, 361 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,160 maybe, just maybe, I'm doing something wrong. 362 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:36,360 Maybe there is a different way to live or to be comfortable. 363 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:37,840 I always thought that I was, you know, 364 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,240 oh, I deserve to take a drink after work. 365 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,480 I work all day, I need to unwind. 366 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:46,240 I didn't realize that unwinding was the opposite, you know. 367 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,720 I was winding up, I was never unwinding. 368 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,520 I didn't know that, you know, they, 369 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:55,080 and funny the term getting high, you know, getting high. 370 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,840 I didn't realize that when you're drinking and using, 371 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,360 the devil has you by the toe 372 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,960 and you're hanging upside down. 373 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,760 And when I think I'm getting high, I'm hanging upside down 374 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,480 and I'm going deeper is what's happening. 375 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:10,280 My head is going down and I think I'm going up. 376 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,960 And everything I think is the opposite of what actually is. 377 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,360 And it was the first time that I thought, 378 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:17,720 maybe there's a different way. 379 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,640 'Cause I didn't really know about Alcoholics Anonymous. 380 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:20,480 I didn't know what you did. 381 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,920 I knew that it existed, 382 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,120 but I really didn't know what you did. 383 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,880 I kind of thought about it like as a, 384 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,840 it was an old man's drinking club 385 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,800 and you guys drank anonymously and nobody knew 386 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,600 or you figured it out a way or whatever it was. 387 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:34,680 I didn't know what it was. 388 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,600 So I was encouraged to go to meetings 389 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,080 when I got out of the hospital and I did. 390 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:45,080 And it was filled with people that, hey, so welcoming. 391 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,200 How many days do you have? 392 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,120 Two days. 393 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,000 Oh, that's great. 394 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:49,840 That's so great. 395 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,000 Well, we'll see you tomorrow. 396 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,880 Well, they didn't always see me tomorrow. 397 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,520 I didn't always show up tomorrow. 398 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,120 Then I come back like a week later and, 399 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,080 oh, hey, you, how are you doing? 400 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,160 How many days do you have? 401 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,360 Two days. 402 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:02,520 That's great. 403 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,040 We're so glad you're here. 404 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,240 I hope you come back tomorrow. 405 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,080 And it was like that. 406 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,240 They weren't judging me. 407 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,160 They knew me even though they didn't know who I was. 408 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,840 They knew exactly who I was 409 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,520 because we all have the same last name. 410 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,440 We're all alcoholic, taught alcoholic. 411 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:21,240 And I really don't get sober right away. 412 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,280 I didn't wanna talk about that suicide. 413 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,360 I read those, the steps on the wall. 414 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,320 So I read them, I did them. 415 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:27,880 I read them. 416 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,240 Oh, well, that fifth step 417 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,640 where you have to talk to somebody, that's a trick. 418 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:32,480 I'm not gonna do that. 419 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:33,920 I don't really want a sponsor. 420 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,200 But I can figure this out. 421 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:36,080 I can do this. 422 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,280 So I did one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, 423 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,200 a million times, never really doing three, 424 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:41,640 but one, two, three. 425 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:45,800 And what happened was I finally caught on 426 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,880 that if I did what my fellows were doing, 427 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,880 that maybe I would get what my fellows were getting. 428 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,160 And there's no arguing this. 429 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,800 My fellows were reading the book with other people, 430 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:57,720 with a sponsor. 431 00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,760 So I guess I better get a sponsor. 432 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,560 My fellows were doing the step work 433 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,520 where they sat down and they put a pencil to a paper 434 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:06,600 and started writing. 435 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,200 Maybe I should do the step work. 436 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,760 Maybe I should show up to this meeting 10 minutes early 437 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:11,840 so I can talk to people. 438 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:12,920 That's what you guys are doing. 439 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,520 Maybe I should stay 10 minutes late 440 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,960 so I could talk and have a little bit of fellowship. 441 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,960 That's what you guys were doing. 442 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,120 I'll make the coffee. 443 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,520 I'll clean the bathrooms. 444 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,440 Oh, I can be secretary. 445 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,520 I'll be secretary. 446 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,160 I started doing service. 447 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,560 My home group is the 5.30 a.m. meeting at the Valley Club. 448 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:35,120 And when I started at the Valley Club, 449 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,880 even really before I get sold, 450 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:41,280 I take the manager to Smart and Final every week 451 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,280 'cause I have a truck. 452 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,280 So I do the shopping. 453 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,920 And it was real easy for me to grab onto service. 454 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,720 Wasn't so easy to grab on a recovery. 455 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,440 Wasn't really easy to grab on a unit. 456 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,080 I didn't really want to dive into the fellowship, 457 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:59,080 but there was no denying what you guys were doing. 458 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:02,520 So I had to mirror that if I expected 459 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,560 to get out of this mess that I was in. 460 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:09,000 So it's like three years almost, 461 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,680 just a little less than three years 462 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,920 from the time I walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 463 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,000 to the time I get my 30 days. 464 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,480 I don't have a pocket full of 30, 60, 90. 465 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,880 I could not get past 10, 12 days. 466 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,080 I just couldn't do it. 467 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,320 But the one thing that I did do is I kept coming back 468 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,760 because I saw people who in my judgmental mind, 469 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,760 they were way more messed up than I was, but they were sober. 470 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,120 So I kept coming back 'cause you guys were able to do it. 471 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:39,200 And I also was honest. 472 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,440 I never told you I was sober when I wasn't. 473 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,400 I reset my day. 474 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:48,240 And when they talk about grave emotional disorders, 475 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:51,240 but many do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. 476 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:52,440 And because I was honest, 477 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,120 I think that's what got me through. 478 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,400 I really do. 479 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:59,480 So the day comes where I have about 26 days of sobriety. 480 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,760 And I realized that something's different 481 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,120 that I figured out, surrender. 482 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,480 My surrender was to the next right thing. 483 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,440 My higher power is not the next right thing, 484 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,880 but if I could surrender to what I'm supposed to do 485 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,840 without question, and here's what that means. 486 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,440 It means it's not a, I don't have a reason 487 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,720 or an excuse to do something, to put it off. 488 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,960 I don't have a better idea. 489 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,160 I don't have a yeah, but, or I know I should, 490 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,520 or I will when, it's none of that. 491 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,120 It's this is the right thing to do. 492 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,040 You take the action and you just do it. 493 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,800 And if you can step aside from yourself 494 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,200 and your big old ego and just do the next right thing, 495 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,960 you start building on that. 496 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,840 And suddenly recovery, it comes easy. 497 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,240 I mean, it just started to just run. 498 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,800 And I had 26 days of sobriety and I realized, 499 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,760 oh my gosh, I am going to get 30 days. 500 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,400 I've been here three years and never gotten 30 days. 501 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:59,320 And my home group was so excited for me, so excited. 502 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:03,400 And the 5.30 meeting, it was at the time, 503 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,160 it was pretty packed from Monday through Friday. 504 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,200 And then Saturday and Sunday, it was a lot lighter. 505 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,360 And my 30 day was falling on a Saturday. 506 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,240 But let me tell you, when I was going to get that 30 days, 507 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,160 everybody in that meeting showed up that Saturday morning 508 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:19,240 and they brought their people, they brought their friends. 509 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:20,640 And there were people from other meetings, 510 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:21,760 'cause you know, Valley Club, 511 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,120 they have 50 meetings a week. 512 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,000 And you know, if you stand up enough, 513 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,680 they say we do this so we can get to know you. 514 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,800 It's like, trust me, they knew me by now. 515 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,000 They knew me. 516 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:35,000 And I'll never forget the feeling of getting that 30 days 517 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,360 was, I get goosebumps thinking about it. 518 00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:40,080 I honestly do. 519 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,040 It was amazing that I figured out surrender. 520 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,440 In fact, I figured out surrender so much 521 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,720 that I talked about the 26th day of sobriety. 522 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,200 So I'm also a cigarette smoker, or I had been, 523 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,760 since I'm 14 years old. 524 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,320 It's a pack, pack and a half of Marlboro Red Fox 525 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,200 every single day. 526 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:59,160 And just, I had no intentions of quitting smoking, 527 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,400 but on that 26th day of sobriety, 528 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,040 I walked out and I started to have a cigarette 529 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:03,880 with my friend, Jody. 530 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,400 And as soon as I took that first hit, my God said, 531 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,360 "You know what, Todd? 532 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,760 "You don't need those cigarettes anymore either." 533 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:14,680 And rather than say, "Yeah, but," or "Yes, I know," 534 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:19,280 oh, you know, I'll tell you what, it's almost January 1st. 535 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,120 I'll make that resolution this year. 536 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,080 That'll be my resolution. 537 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,200 I'll stop smoking on New Year's Day. 538 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,520 And I didn't say that, or what I really also want to see, 539 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,840 I've spoken with Jody, who was a huge smoker. 540 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,080 And I'm thinking, I could have thought, 541 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:32,920 "Well, you know what? 542 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,120 "Jody should quit too. 543 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:37,440 "Maybe we'll quit together and we'll go in on shanticks 544 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,040 "and we'll figure it out together." 545 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,960 And I didn't think that, and the biggest excuse, 546 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,240 I have 18 cigarettes in my pocket here. 547 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,920 These are so expensive. 548 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,800 I'll tell you, I'm gonna smoke these. 549 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,800 I'll never buy 'em again after this panic, after this panic. 550 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,320 I probably would have just bummed 'em from you 551 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,600 for a while until I broke. 552 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,800 But I didn't think of any of those things. 553 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,240 My brain went, "Todd, you don't need those cigarettes 554 00:22:58,240 --> 00:22:59,240 "anymore either." 555 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,560 And my hand just went, and I took 'em out, 556 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,160 and I, in front of Jody, and I threw 'em in the trash. 557 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,320 And by some miracle of alcohol, it's anonymous, 558 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,280 and surrender, I have not had a cigarette since. 559 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,760 I did not even know that I was going to quit 560 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:13,920 five minutes before I quit. 561 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,240 And I'll tell you what, I did not quit to this minute. 562 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:17,800 I've never, I never quit smoking. 563 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:18,720 I never quit drinking. 564 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:19,760 I never quit doing drugs. 565 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,920 What I've done is I've surrendered to the next right thing. 566 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,920 I've surrendered, didn't quit. 567 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,240 That's the big difference. 568 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,760 If you're gonna look at drinking like I have to quit, 569 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,320 you're gonna fight tooth and nail. 570 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,800 If you surrender to something bigger than you, 571 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,000 if you know you're supposed to be helpful to others, 572 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,440 and that's not blowing the cigarette smoke 573 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,360 inside of these families. 574 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:42,760 If you know your place in God's will, 575 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,200 it makes it a lot easier. 576 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:45,960 It takes it off of you. 577 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,320 Some of these little sayings, I see you got 'em up there. 578 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:49,240 I don't know if you have this one, 579 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:50,920 but one of 'em is give yourself a break. 580 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,280 I realized that give yourself a break means 581 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:54,400 get out of your own way. 582 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,800 It just, it doesn't mean take it easy, 583 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,680 kick back and relax. 584 00:23:58,680 --> 00:23:59,760 It's not that kind of break. 585 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,040 It means take a break from your own ego. 586 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,040 Let something else run the show. 587 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,280 Do the next right thing. 588 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,640 Be as helpful as you can to the maximum amount of people. 589 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:09,960 Watch what you get back. 590 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,600 Watch what happens when you do that. 591 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:16,040 And you know, sure enough, to this day, that's where I go. 592 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,120 That's where I always go with God's will. 593 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:22,080 I just do the next right thing and I do my best 594 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,080 to get out of my own way. 595 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,880 'Cause I, you know, leave it up to me. 596 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:26,720 I don't wanna do anything. 597 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,840 I think I wanted to put this tie on and be here tonight. 598 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:30,680 I'm gonna tell you, it's so funny. 599 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,880 It's so funny to me that everything that I do 600 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:38,520 before I do it, I'm like, I don't wanna go to that meeting. 601 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,960 Or I don't wanna help, whatever it is. 602 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,720 And then, but I just do it anyways 603 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,040 'cause I know it's the right thing to do. 604 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,480 And while I'm doing it, it's really not that hard. 605 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,080 You know, and actually it's quite a pleasure. 606 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:53,000 It's a pleasure to, you know, be in a meeting, 607 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,280 being asked to speak, being asked to help somebody. 608 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,680 And it's not difficult at all. 609 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,000 And then after I do it, it's like the greatest thing 610 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,360 that I ever did, thank God, why was I thinking? 611 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:03,200 I didn't wanna go. 612 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,840 You know, I always have the wrong idea, always. 613 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,320 So I just do what I should do, 614 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:10,520 what I feel God's will is for me. 615 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,600 And that's help the maximum amount of people that I can. 616 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,320 And it always works out, right? 617 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,440 I always feel terrific afterward. 618 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,560 I'd mentioned that I had several 5150 instances. 619 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,160 Well, one of the ways that I gave back in service 620 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,800 was at 60 days, a little less than 60 days sobriety, 621 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,280 I started to go to the San Fernando Valley H&I meetings. 622 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:35,440 And I somehow got to a panel 623 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,760 and I started to bring a panel of alcoholics 624 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,960 to the mental facilities that I've been in. 625 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,640 Sitting on the other side of the table, 626 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,360 carrying the message to new people, 627 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:49,560 the exact same way the message was brought to me. 628 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:53,240 And I do think that the message is effective that way. 629 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,760 If you can remember how you got here 630 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,520 and then pass that on to other people, 631 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,360 they will probably hear you. 632 00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:03,400 It's amazing how many people in my life, 633 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,360 all my friends, my brothers, my mother, my, 634 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:08,480 you know, you gotta stop doing what you're doing, Todd. 635 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,200 You gotta stop doing what, you know, 636 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,600 you can't hear any of it when an alcoholic tells me. 637 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,640 The message is loud and clear. 638 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,240 We can do something for each other 639 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,680 that other people can't do. 640 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,080 We can identify with each other. 641 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,400 We feel at home with each other. 642 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,320 You know, this is a family in a very weird way. 643 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,440 And even though I said the 5.30 a.m. meeting 644 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,680 is my home group, I feel at home at any group I go to. 645 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:35,120 Anywhere in the US, if I go to an AA meeting, 646 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,520 I am instantly at home. 647 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,880 I walk in the door and I know they know something about me 648 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,600 and I know something about everybody in the room. 649 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,880 And no, I couldn't be more grateful. 650 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,160 Couldn't be more grateful. 651 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:45,960 I sometimes say I'm grateful 652 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,600 from the bottom of my mother's heart 653 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:51,000 because my whole life, if it was this way, it's this way. 654 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,000 In fact, it's this way, you know. 655 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,280 I can't tell you, as many of you probably know 656 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:57,400 from your own experience, you know, 657 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,200 I can't tell you the relationships of my family, 658 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:02,680 people in my house, the people that I work with. 659 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,600 I'm a better friend, I'm a better uncle, 660 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,360 I'm a better brother, I'm a better son, 661 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:10,000 I'm a better worker, I'm a much better neighbor. 662 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,360 I never get on the roof and yell at the children 663 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,800 in my boxers, ever. 664 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:14,640 I'm a great neighbor. 665 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:16,760 And it's a great life, you know. 666 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,880 I try to be of service as best I can. 667 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,920 I'm still involved with H&I. 668 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:23,880 I've been the director of the program, 669 00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:25,640 which was amazing to me. 670 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,720 I have done a lot of work with the convention. 671 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,280 Maybe some of you know me from there. 672 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:34,280 I was the chairperson for the unconventional 673 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,080 and I was a chairperson last year at the, I shared. 674 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:38,160 I shared your convention. 675 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,000 The guy that was up on the roof screaming and yelling 676 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,120 at children was up there sharing your convention. 677 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:45,400 And I couldn't have fit in anything. 678 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,520 And I wanna tell you, I gotta thank everyone in this room. 679 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:52,040 If you have this much of an interest in your own recovery, 680 00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,040 what you've done is kept me here. 681 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,840 And I have to thank you for that. 682 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:57,880 I could not do any of this 683 00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,200 without what watching my fellows has done. 684 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:02,400 It's beyond a bliss. 685 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:05,480 And when I say grateful, that word isn't heavy enough. 686 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,040 I just, I do wanna thank you 687 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:08,440 from the bottom of my mother's heart 688 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,480 for what you're doing for yourself, 689 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,360 showing up and helping people. 690 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:14,000 You know, my life has new meaning 691 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:18,080 because I watch people like you be of maximum service to others. 692 00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:20,000 And with that, I heard the timer. 693 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:23,080 Again, thank you very much for asking me to come tonight. 694 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:24,400 I really appreciate it. 695 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:25,560 And that's my story. 696 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:26,520 I'm sticking to it.