1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800 talk at this level and they'll hear me. 2 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:02,640 All right. 3 00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:03,460 Oh, okay, great. 4 00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:06,760 And then you're like, well, I'll kind of keep an eye. 5 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:07,600 Let me know. 6 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:08,440 Just throw stuff out. 7 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:09,560 Keep it casual. 8 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:11,400 So, hi, my name is Elena. 9 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,440 I'm an alcoholic. 10 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:13,280 - Hello, Elena. 11 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,760 - I am really grateful to be participating in my sobriety. 12 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,640 Thank you to my friend Nina for accompanying me tonight 13 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:20,540 on a Saturday night. 14 00:00:20,540 --> 00:00:23,680 And thank you for asking me to come out here. 15 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:25,120 It's kind of a random thing 16 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,780 that I got a text a few weeks, few months ago, actually. 17 00:00:27,780 --> 00:00:29,680 Somebody was like, they need a speaker on Saturday night. 18 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:31,680 And usually I'd be like, I couldn't do it. 19 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,760 And I would usually just text back, okay, I can't do it. 20 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,760 But I'm at a point in my recovery where any AA request, 21 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,600 if I can't do it, I'll still try to follow up on it. 22 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:42,720 And there's reasons for that. 23 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,380 And I'll kind of get into that. 24 00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:46,840 Just how my program has evolved over the past few years. 25 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:50,080 My sobriety date is August 13th, 2000. 26 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,280 I have a sponsor. 27 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,120 She knows that she's my sponsor. 28 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,120 She has a sponsor. 29 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,000 I think it means a lot to me to come into the rooms 30 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,960 and be able to share a little bit about my experience. 31 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,880 And I hope whether you are 30 days away from your last drink 32 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,960 or perhaps 30 days from your next drink, 33 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,820 that I say something tonight 34 00:01:07,820 --> 00:01:09,520 that keeps you sober one more day 35 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,320 or keeps me sober one more day. 36 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:13,560 So I call my sponsors. 37 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,080 So it's funny because like a 10 or 20 minute talk 38 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,680 is usually like, it's okay. 39 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,220 If it falls off the wheels, you're out pretty quick. 40 00:01:20,220 --> 00:01:21,220 So it's like painless. 41 00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:23,960 But at 30 minute mark, like 35 minute, 42 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,080 I was like, all right, just give me some structure 43 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,360 so like it doesn't turn into like a rabbit hole. 44 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,140 So my sponsor is 50 years sober. 45 00:01:31,140 --> 00:01:34,800 She's 83 years old, 83, 84, and she's wonderful. 46 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,760 And she's a scientist and I needed that coming. 47 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,840 I picked her up later on in sobriety, 48 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,760 but she's science-based and I needed that 49 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,760 because I struggled a lot with the higher power thing. 50 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,840 And she said, well, so you definitely wanna talk about 51 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,160 when you drink, wanna talk about getting drunk a little bit, 52 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,000 don't live there. 53 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,280 And then she said, and then you wanna get sober 54 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,040 and talk about how you came into the fellowship 55 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:54,120 of Alcoholics Anonymous. 56 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:56,520 And then she said, you should talk about what's going on now. 57 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:57,880 Pretty simple stuff, right? 58 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:59,400 What it was like, what happened, what it's like now. 59 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,800 And then she said, and if you can bring up the word 60 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,960 intercourse during your talk, social intercourse, 61 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,880 usually peps up the audience a few times throughout. 62 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,360 Throw it out there if you look a little tired. 63 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,280 But I love her and I love that she's got this really 64 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,120 dry sense of humor. 65 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,040 She hit her bottom when I was born. 66 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,440 And that's really important to me because that's a lifetime. 67 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,360 My whole life she has been sober and that blows my mind. 68 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,720 She was falling down drunk with kids, you know, 69 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:26,800 she was a professor when I was born and I love that magic. 70 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,440 I think there's a lot of magic in this program 71 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,800 and I hope to share some of that with you tonight. 72 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,400 So I'm here because I have alcoholism and what that means 73 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,600 to me is that I have an unruly, willful mind. 74 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:41,400 And alcoholism to me is the inability to be comfortable 75 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,600 for very long periods of time. 76 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,440 And you know, what I'll do is I probably won't share 77 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,400 about when I drank, I'll do a pit stop before that 78 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,800 and talk a little bit about who I was like 79 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,440 before alcohol entered my body. 80 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,360 Because I've been really reflecting on that, 81 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,040 particularly now because I'm starting 82 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,400 to remember things better. 83 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,920 And that's another thing, I came into this program 84 00:02:57,920 --> 00:02:59,920 with not a very good memory, but it's gotten better 85 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,800 through the years and it wasn't selected. 86 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,040 I just think that I wasn't still enough 87 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,880 to really remember things even before I started drinking. 88 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:10,600 But to give you a little background, I was born overseas. 89 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:11,920 I kind of lived all over the world. 90 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,480 My father had an international thing, 91 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,720 business thing that he did. 92 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:19,080 So we traveled a lot, we moved a lot. 93 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,880 There was a lot of discomfort in my family. 94 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,720 I'd say that my parents did the best they could 95 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,400 to fill our material needs. 96 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,880 I think they probably struggled with knowing 97 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,080 what our emotional needs were. 98 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,440 And that's okay. 99 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,400 Like I've gotten through a lot of that stuff 100 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,480 that I probably pulled into my drinking 101 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,480 and then into my sobriety. 102 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,240 I'll tell you one of the things when I look back now, 103 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,040 one of the things that was kind of like, I don't know, 104 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,080 a red flag was when I was about three years old, 105 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,680 I remember I was sick and my mother came into my room 106 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,520 and she gave me cough syrup, 107 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,720 a couple of teaspoons of cough syrup. 108 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,840 And then she placed it on this dresser, right? 109 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,360 This tall dresser of drawers. 110 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,240 And I'm three, you know? 111 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:54,840 And I know this 'cause where we were living 112 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,080 and that's the only age I was in this country. 113 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,240 And so when she left the room, it was dark. 114 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,080 And I got out of bed and I pulled the drawers out 115 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,120 so I could climb the drawers like stairs. 116 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,960 And I drank that bottle of cough syrup, 117 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,960 but I didn't finish it because I remember thinking, 118 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,440 "Well, I have to leave some in the bottle or she'll know." 119 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,480 You know, what three-year-old is thinking that way? 120 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:15,320 I don't know. 121 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:16,520 I mean, I don't know if I was born with it, 122 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,320 but I was certainly starting to do things. 123 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,320 The memory I have is I like the taste. 124 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:21,160 Maybe that's true. 125 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,000 I don't know. 126 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,200 But I think it's interesting that I had kind of 127 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,280 this manipulation at a really young age 128 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,040 to stay safe or to stay out of trouble. 129 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,200 I know people talk about with alcoholism, 130 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,960 they talked about feeling uncomfortable in their skin. 131 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,600 You know, for me, it was, I needed your attention a lot. 132 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,400 I needed to feel special in order to feel normal. 133 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,560 I wouldn't say I felt like I was coming out of my skin. 134 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:44,400 I just knew that I was very aware of people watching me. 135 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,960 And I was also really uncomfortable with that, 136 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,840 but I needed more of it. 137 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,040 And that's kind of my journey around discomfort 138 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,600 because really what qualifies me 139 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,000 for the room of Alcoholics Anonymous 140 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,880 is that I cannot deal with discomfort. 141 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,080 And a lot of people in the world can't deal with discomfort 142 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,320 and they go about their business, 143 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,120 but I drink a little bit and that's the difference. 144 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,040 And it can show up in a lot of different ways. 145 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,440 So, you know, I started drinking, so I'm an '80s kid. 146 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,680 And so I started on California coolers. 147 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,640 If anybody is old enough to remember those delicious things 148 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:16,120 and splash, splash wine coolers were big in the '80s. 149 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:17,240 So was Bruce Willis. 150 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,400 He used to sing a song about it 151 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,120 if you're old enough to remember that. 152 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,640 But that was my first drunken. 153 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,680 Listen, it wasn't this bell gong where I was like, 154 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:24,760 "Hey, this is the answer." 155 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,400 It was just a whole lot of fun. 156 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:29,320 And I think I was 12, 12 or 13. 157 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:33,040 And I remember taking my shoes off and I had really big feet 158 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,320 because at that age, you're kind of out of proportion. 159 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,080 I think I had a size 10 shoe, which I still do, 160 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,960 but in seventh or eighth grade. 161 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,480 And I'd taken off these pumps, these heels, 162 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,520 and I was dancing around and the shoe, 163 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,320 parts of the shoe were off on my foot 164 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:46,880 because your feet sweat no shoes or whatever. 165 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,240 And I was dancing and I didn't care. 166 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,400 And my boyfriend was there, he was 17, 167 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,640 which that's other great choices I was making. 168 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,520 You know, I think I was 13, he was 17. 169 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,600 And he was kind of like, "What are you doing?" 170 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,200 And I didn't care at all. 171 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,600 And I went home that night and I was so happy. 172 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,280 And so set off the phenomenon of craving 173 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,200 because there weren't consequences 174 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,200 for a really long time with my drinking. 175 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,320 There was a whole lot of fun. 176 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,400 And I remember, you know, 177 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,920 my whole goal was like going to Daytona Beach, 178 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,800 you know, beer bombs, like it was all about fun at that time. 179 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:18,840 And a lot of it really was, and vomiting was a great story. 180 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:19,800 And you're around other people 181 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,200 who had kind of that like message. 182 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,400 And that's how it was for me for a very long time. 183 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,280 And I think another thing that's kind of like 184 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,320 one of those red flags of alcoholism for me 185 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,720 is, you know, around 15, you know, 186 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,920 drugs are a part of my story. 187 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,960 You know, marijuana at that age, you know, was common. 188 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:37,800 You know, the funny thing is 189 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,960 I never liked the effects of marijuana at all. 190 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,880 Like I was a drinker, but it took me out of discomfort. 191 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:46,360 So I smoked pot all the time and it made me uncomfortable, 192 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,000 hungry, neurotic, and paranoid every single time. 193 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,720 And I smoked it all the time, every time. 194 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,680 Like there was, I was never chasing a dragon of, 195 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,080 oh, the first time when, it was always miserable. 196 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,360 And I kept doing it. 197 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,600 But I remember I was with these girls in high school 198 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,800 and we had a bowl and I was smoking it out in the bushes. 199 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,320 It was a really windy day and I couldn't get it lit. 200 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,200 And they were like, let it go, who cares? 201 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,520 Let's just go, blah, blah, blah. 202 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,360 And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. 203 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,920 This is going to get lit. 204 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,720 Like we're going to, like it doesn't, 205 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,080 to normal people who might, they'll never say it, 206 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,920 but they'll just kind of go, huh, okay. 207 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,680 You're really committed to getting that. 208 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:21,520 Yeah, I am. 209 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:22,600 And that's what it was about for me. 210 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,080 And I just would sit there in this, in the bushes, 211 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,160 by my, in the bushes, by myself, 212 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,880 with these people five feet away from me, just kind of, 213 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:29,960 okay, you got to smoke that pot. 214 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:30,800 And I did. 215 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,560 And then I became, you know, paranoid, 216 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,240 hungry and completely disconnected. 217 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,800 Couldn't wait for my next time of smoking pot. 218 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,320 So, you know, another kind of small thing 219 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,640 that I think is alcoholism for me 220 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,000 is that when I went to college, you know, 221 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,320 I got sent away to school because I was dating a drug dealer 222 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:49,440 and that's, I don't know about you guys, 223 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,840 but that's, I'm looking for my source a little bit closer. 224 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:52,720 And so I got sent away. 225 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:53,560 He went to Albert Bound. 226 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,840 He's dead now, fentanyl. 227 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,640 A lot of my ex-friends are dead now, which is interesting. 228 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,720 But you know, if you don't get sober, 229 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,280 that tends to, you just need more and more something 230 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:03,840 to deal with, I think, the discomfort. 231 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,120 But when I went to college, you know, 232 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,960 I went to my classes, I showed up in life, 233 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,840 but I needed to drink every day. 234 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,120 And how I managed that is that I had segmented friends. 235 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:14,960 So I did the thing. 236 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,160 So I rushed the sorority, I had the hippie friends, 237 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,080 I had the work friends, 238 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,560 and then I had kind of the derelict friends. 239 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,960 And the good news was that I could, you know, 240 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,000 party with sorority girls on Friday night. 241 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,880 On Sunday nights, it was gonna be my hippie friends, 242 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,600 but drop some acid, maybe some mushrooms, 243 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,040 and go see like fish. 244 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,000 And then, you know, Monday, Tuesday night, 245 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,360 it'll be my like political people 246 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,200 where you can go and like drink pitchers of beer 247 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,040 and things like that. 248 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:36,320 And what I didn't realize at the time, 249 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:37,440 I thought I was very social. 250 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,720 And I remember a couple times walking through campus 251 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,320 and people saying hello, and I'd be like, 252 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,520 I don't know who this person is. 253 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,440 And I kind of thought that was cool at the time. 254 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,320 'Cause you know, people know me and I don't know them. 255 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:47,360 And you know, that's kind of cool. 256 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,400 But what it really was was my need to hide 257 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,200 the fact that I needed to drink every day, 258 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,360 every single day of the week. 259 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,680 And there might be one day off because of a hangover 260 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:56,600 that's pretty severe. 261 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,880 But even those would eventually at that age, 262 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,200 we could pretty good that worked out by 9 p.m. 263 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,040 So those were the things that were happening in my life. 264 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:05,760 And listen, you know, I could say, 265 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:06,840 hey, it was fine, everything. 266 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,520 You know, I graduated from college, everything's, 267 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,640 but you know, that whole thing. 268 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,080 However, all the choices that I was making 269 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,280 had to do with alcohol. 270 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,800 Every single one of the classes that I took 271 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,160 was an early morning class. 272 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:18,880 Was it gonna fit with my party schedule? 273 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,440 So a lot of my life was directed by alcohol. 274 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,480 And the thing about alcoholism is that it doesn't say, 275 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,960 hey, this is alcoholism. 276 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,280 It says none of that 'cause it's sneaky. 277 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,840 You know, I just think that I've gotta change jobs 278 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,040 or I don't know, change classes. 279 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,760 Or that class was stupid because like, 280 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,560 who cares about going on Thursdays? 281 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,040 That to me, that did not present as alcoholism. 282 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:38,880 And I didn't know that. 283 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,360 It took me really, it took me 15 years sober 284 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,560 to realize what alcoholism really was. 285 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:47,120 So, you know, I moved to San Francisco. 286 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,000 And again, a lot of my choices by alcohol, it's still fun. 287 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,600 There were consequences here and there. 288 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,920 It started getting a little rough, you know, 289 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,520 choices that I didn't wanna be making. 290 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,720 But what was really starting to get in my way 291 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,920 was the hangovers and the anxiety. 292 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,280 There's a certain amount of anxiety that I don't, 293 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:04,960 I can't put my finger on. 294 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,320 And that'll come closer to me getting sober, 295 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,640 which is just about now, actually. 296 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,680 So when I moved to Los Angeles, 297 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,800 it's probably, it's '99 obviously. 298 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,040 And here's, I'll tell you where I was. 299 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,760 It was, do you remember the "Blair Witch" movie 300 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:18,880 came out in '99? 301 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,440 It was July of '99. 302 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,920 And by then I was drinking, you know, 303 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:24,520 between Valium and vanilla vodka 304 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,520 was kind of where I was at. 305 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,680 And I was really paranoid 306 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,080 and I wasn't really going outside anymore 307 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,680 because I was agoraphobic. 308 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:32,600 I had shingles, which I was pretty certain was, 309 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,440 had nothing to do with alcohol. 310 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,320 I thought I had to do the food allergy or something. 311 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,160 I didn't know. 312 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:37,680 So I kept going to the doctor and my sister was like, 313 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:38,680 "Well, actually, you know, 314 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,320 our friend who has HIV has shingles." 315 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,560 And I was like, "Oh, it's HIV." 316 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:42,560 So I started getting, 317 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,840 I actually got tested like every two or three months. 318 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:46,680 And my doctor was like, 319 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,080 "Are you having multiple partners? 320 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:48,920 Are you not?" 321 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:49,760 And I'm like, "No." 322 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,000 And she's like, "Why are you coming back?" 323 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,160 Because I just had it in my head 324 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,360 and I was very, very thin. 325 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,240 And that was because of the wheat allergy. 326 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,640 So I probably had a wheat allergy. 327 00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:58,800 That's what I thought that was. 328 00:10:58,800 --> 00:10:59,840 And the "Blair Witch" was out. 329 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,080 And I remember my boyfriend at the time, 330 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,800 he was a born again Christian, whatever. 331 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,000 And I thought he was trying to kill me. 332 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,200 Just that was there too. 333 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,880 And I thought the "Blair Witch" was living outside my house. 334 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,400 And so if you've ever had kind of paranoid delusions, 335 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,720 then I hope you'll get this. 336 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,760 But like, no one could tell me different. 337 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,560 And I remember there were noises in the bushes at night. 338 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:23,080 And I'm like, I would be an atrophy here in my bed 339 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,200 because I knew she, the, it. 340 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,960 I didn't know even what the "Blair Witch" was. 341 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,760 I just knew the movie was out in the bushes. 342 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,480 And now it seems so strange, 343 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,440 but at the time it was really frightening. 344 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,800 I remember this kid walking me around the neighborhood, 345 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,520 my boyfriend, and trying to get me outside 346 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,400 because I was certain that the sky was falling 347 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,760 and I just couldn't be outside. 348 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:43,160 And the only way I could explain it, 349 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,040 I thought of it the other day. 350 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,680 It's like, I can't think of it now, 351 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,080 but the feeling of being out there, 352 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,640 it was like the sky, it wasn't gonna swallow me up. 353 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,240 It was just going to kind of drop down on me. 354 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,000 And that's why I remember he was walking me around 355 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,320 and I was doing this the whole time. 356 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,320 And poor kid had no idea. 357 00:11:58,320 --> 00:11:59,680 And I think poor kid was a little bit younger, 358 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:03,640 he's really naive because he just thought I was normal. 359 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,800 He didn't understand that I was drinking vodka 360 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,760 and things like that. 361 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,400 And he's trying to explain to me this guy wasn't falling 362 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,040 and he wasn't trying to infect me with HIV. 363 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:13,880 And I just, I mean, 364 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,720 I remember he would bring me test results all the time. 365 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,000 He'd be like, oh, let me test again. 366 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,040 But I think something's not right here. 367 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:23,280 And so anyway, that was August of 1999 368 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,840 and I didn't get sober for another year. 369 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,640 So it wasn't even my bottom to not be able to go outside, 370 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:31,600 to still keep drink, to be navigating 371 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,840 between Valium and vanilla vodka. 372 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,720 But what got me sober is I went North to San Francisco. 373 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,400 I went to see an ex-boyfriend, he's alive actually. 374 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,160 So that's good, he's alive. 375 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,160 And we got an eight ball 376 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,760 and I just started drinking tequila 377 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,200 and I told him I was an alcoholic. 378 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,800 And he's like, I think I'm an alcoholic too. 379 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,360 And I'm like, we used to get really drunk 380 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,200 and get into fistfights. 381 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,200 He was my guy in San Francisco, he's a good guy. 382 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,480 And 'cause that's how I roll. 383 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,960 And I remember I couldn't get drunk 384 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,000 and we ended up in a strip club 385 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,160 that didn't allow alcohol 'cause it was bottomless. 386 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:03,880 Whatever, I'm just telling you this, there it is. 387 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,240 And 'cause this is how we had fun, I guess. 388 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,560 And I was sitting there in like this kind of hollow, 389 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,400 you know, and I'm like, what am I doing here? 390 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,960 And I an eight ball in my pocket 391 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,680 and I went to go find him 392 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,120 because he was in the back with a stripper 393 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,640 and I was like, I'm gonna leave, think I'm done. 394 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:19,480 I can't get drunk. 395 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,040 And though I felt like, I can't explain it. 396 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,040 Anyway, it was a really rough night 397 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,520 and it was all I needed at that point. 398 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,920 And I got in a car, I went back to my friend's house 399 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:29,960 and I slept for a couple of hours. 400 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,920 I got in a car and I drove back here to Los Angeles. 401 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,960 And I remember I threw the eight ball out on Market Street 402 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,560 and I was like, somebody's gonna have a good day. 403 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:37,800 Am I fucking crazy? 404 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:38,880 Excuse me, no effort. 405 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,360 But am I crazy for, thank you. 406 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,320 Like I just threw that out there, whatever. 407 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,760 So I drove home and it was the hottest day of the summer. 408 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,160 I remember the radio was talking about it 409 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,440 and I had a pulse in my lip right here 410 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:50,360 in the rear view mirror. 411 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,360 And I could see it just going and I was like, 412 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:53,840 I think I'm ready, I think I'm done. 413 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,480 And it was that week that I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous. 414 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,760 I got sober at the AT Center, which is in Silver Lake. 415 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:00,840 It was a block from my house. 416 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:05,120 And I'll tell you, the thing that was remarkable for me 417 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,160 is that when I walked into that room, 418 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,920 the anxiety disappeared the way alcohol used 419 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,560 to make the anxiety disappear. 420 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,920 And it was immediate. 421 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,960 And I knew I was home, but again, 422 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,720 I wasn't really clear on what alcoholism was. 423 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,960 I knew I felt better and I like feeling better. 424 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,160 I like relief, I like fast relief, actually. 425 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,800 I like a tequila shot of relief. 426 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,720 I don't like slow relief, I need it pretty fast. 427 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,640 And I'd been chasing that dragon for 15 years. 428 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,320 That's what I did is I chased relief. 429 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:35,400 And so I got into the program and I'm a rule follower, 430 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,240 believe it or not. 431 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,840 So I got a sponsor, I did the things 432 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,000 and I started feeling better. 433 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,040 And I got some time, I try to reflect 434 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,320 on what kept me sober the first five years. 435 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,280 I don't know, except following direction. 436 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,680 That's all I knew is like I followed somebody's direction. 437 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,720 And I went to meetings every day. 438 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,400 And I remember this guy yelled at me, 439 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,200 I think it was in my, I think it was my first year, 440 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,000 but he's like, "We're not here to hear your problems. 441 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:58,840 Talk about the steps." 442 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,600 'Cause I would go in and cry about my job. 443 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,000 That's what I thought I was supposed to do, 444 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,920 is whine about why things weren't going my way. 445 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,200 And so I kind of learned that way. 446 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,920 You kind of learned the school of hard knocks, 447 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:07,960 but I kept showing up. 448 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,440 And there were some rough times 449 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,120 and rough times for me at the time. 450 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:11,960 They change. 451 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,400 As you stay sober, rough times change. 452 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,120 That first year, I'd left my relationship. 453 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,080 I couldn't go out Saturday nights. 454 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,040 Like Saturday nights were tough in LA at like 28 years old. 455 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,080 That was not, that was really uncomfortable. 456 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:25,680 And I would go to Hollywood midnight meetings 457 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,400 and I would hear stuff. 458 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:28,320 Somebody would say something 459 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,080 or somebody would read something from the big book. 460 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,160 And it's like, it changed me in that moment. 461 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,560 It's like Lord of the Rings. 462 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,120 You know, when Frodo was looking at the ring 463 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,400 and he could see the writing. 464 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,600 That's what the big book is to me. 465 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,600 Like every time I read it, 466 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,120 something else gets a little clearer. 467 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,840 Something else illuminates and I'm like, that's God to me. 468 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,360 Because there's nothing else that does that in my life. 469 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:46,200 Nothing at all. 470 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,840 So those first five years, I would think that was, 471 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,600 you know, I just followed direction 472 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,880 because all I knew is that I didn't like being uncomfortable. 473 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,760 And so I chased that. 474 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,440 And I chased relief for a very long time. 475 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,720 I will say that at five years it got easier. 476 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:04,080 My mind got quieter, it got nicer. 477 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,840 I literally noticed that I stopped talking to myself. 478 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,160 First of all, I started hearing the voice. 479 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:11,080 I could tell, you know, the voice and the ism. 480 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,240 And then it started talking a little bit nicer. 481 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,040 And, but I'm gonna, where am I at? 482 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,400 Something about 15 minutes now? 483 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,240 We're good. 484 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:18,080 So we're at a halfway point. 485 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,160 See if I've got a good start. 486 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,320 Social intercourse. 487 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:22,440 Just gonna throw it out there 488 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,480 in case you're feeling like you're, there you go. 489 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,280 Can you get me back there? 490 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,480 So, okay. 491 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:32,480 So I will say that at 10 years from year 10 to 15, 492 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,920 there was a little bit of going through the motions for me 493 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,200 in the sense of, I wasn't very happy. 494 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,880 I wasn't getting what I wanted in life. 495 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,160 You know, I had a career that wasn't taking off 496 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:42,960 the way I wanted it to take off. 497 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,880 Things, you know, I came for the cash and prizes. 498 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,240 And I'll tell you, one of the reasons I did get sober 499 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,840 was completely based on vanity, 500 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,480 because I noticed I would get like broken blood vessels 501 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,760 under my eyes, in my eyes, obviously, when you vomit, 502 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:56,960 everybody knows that, right? 503 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,320 But I was getting them under my eyes. 504 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,760 And I was like, oh my, what's gonna happen if, you know, 505 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,560 those are the things that got me waking up to 506 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,440 that there was a problem, which is fine. 507 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:06,280 I'll take it. 508 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,000 Like that's, I had a very simple mind of like, 509 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,640 ooh, I don't wanna have broken blood vessels 510 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,120 all over my face, which I mean, that's what a gym boss 511 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,920 in this room, but it's vanity, fine, bring it in, 512 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,200 because I think God removes those things over time. 513 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,720 But that's the kind of stuff 514 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,600 that was important to me at the time. 515 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,200 That's the stuff that got me in the room, it's great. 516 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,520 I was kind of shallow. 517 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,960 I'm into it because it got me here. 518 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,280 I don't think it would have kept me here. 519 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,600 And I think that working the steps is what kind of 520 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,000 hopefully evolved me to a sense of like, 521 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,480 some of the stuff that I'm learning now, 522 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,280 which is again, like Lord of the Rings, where it's like, 523 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,600 that's why I'm here and thank God, 524 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,920 because I have a restless mind, you know, 525 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,600 I have a paranoid, restless mind that when not treated 526 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,280 with 12 steps, I will drink again. 527 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,720 So at about 10 to 15, 528 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,320 I was getting really irritable, restless discontent. 529 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,080 And I remember I was, I go to a lot of meetings. 530 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,440 I've always gone to a lot of meetings. 531 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:57,760 They talk about meetings in the bank. 532 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,280 And so, you know, I've like, I went on vacation. 533 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,040 I had a few meetings that, you know, I'd go that week, 534 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,640 two or three extra meetings. 535 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,560 I had a couple in the bank if I couldn't get to a meeting 536 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:07,920 when I was, you know, away somewhere. 537 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,640 But I went to a lot of meetings always. 538 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:10,960 'Cause when I didn't feel good, 539 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,160 bam, a meeting happened. 540 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:13,400 That took it away, right? 541 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,920 Or I'd call my sponsor and I'd be like, 542 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,240 I didn't get this, I didn't get that. 543 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,400 And she'd redirect. 544 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:19,880 I'd be like, okay, go work this step. 545 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,000 Okay, I'll go work this step. 546 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,760 And then bam, I'm not feeling good again. 547 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,240 Irritable, restless, discontent. 548 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,320 And I remember once I walked up to her at a meeting, 549 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:27,880 she didn't get to sit down and I was like, 550 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,960 yes, blah, blah, blah, blah, problem, problem, problem. 551 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,840 And she's like, you know, she snapped at me. 552 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,720 She's like, you're not the only one with problems. 553 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,440 And I was so pissed. 554 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,720 And she was just having a day, whatever, but I was so upset. 555 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,080 How could she, you know? 556 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,400 But it made me reflect. 557 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,240 And I leaned on her heavily for things. 558 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,440 And you know, what sponsors sometimes won't tell you, 559 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,840 and I'm a sponsor and I don't say it either. 560 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,040 'Cause I'm here to be of service, not to judge the person. 561 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,360 I might have my day here or there, 562 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,360 but I try not to let sponsors see that. 563 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:57,960 But it is not, you know, 564 00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,800 it is not a sponsor's job to keep us sober. 565 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,360 It's there to carry the message, not the alcoholic. 566 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:05,280 And I, you know, every time I was uncomfortable, 567 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,680 I was at a meeting or calling a sponsor, 568 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,480 at a meeting, calling a sponsor, doing a step, 569 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,480 read this thing, open the big book, write a thing, 570 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,640 done, done, chasing, chasing, chasing, chasing relief. 571 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,560 And you know, at 15 years sober, 572 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,360 I was at a conference in San Diego. 573 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,160 I was at a table with people I don't like 574 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,480 who drink and manage alcohol just fine, 575 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,240 but I also didn't like them on top of it. 576 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,520 And this one guy who I really didn't like, 577 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,600 he's like, he's just hoity-toity in my head, whatever. 578 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,080 And he's like pouring wine for everybody. 579 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,400 And this, you know, I work in an industry 580 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,720 where people can like order really expensive bottles of wine 581 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,200 which also was hard to be around 582 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,040 'cause they made it look natural and normal. 583 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,880 And we were sitting there and the news was on, 584 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,240 they had some big TV somewhere and the news was on 585 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:43,720 and there was a chase, a car chase in San Diego. 586 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:47,440 And the guy next to me was, you know, calling Kenneth. 587 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,960 'Cause that's his name. 588 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,000 She'll never meet him, but I just think that's funny. 589 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:55,040 Anyway, he is like, that guy's so crazy, 590 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,240 that guy's so crazy, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. 591 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,560 And I'm still in my head because they're pouring alcohol 592 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,360 and I'm really uncomfortable and I like these people 593 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:02,360 and I don't think they like me. 594 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,720 And in my head, in my head, in my head, self, self, 595 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,440 self, self, self, thank you. 596 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,320 And I remember he, I went back to my room that night 597 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,640 and in that moment, I was watching the guy 598 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,200 who came out of the car with his arms up 599 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,560 and I'm like, they don't know, what they see is this. 600 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,120 They don't see the alcoholic, they don't see what's inside. 601 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,040 They don't see what hopefully we all relate to 602 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,800 which is that, that person who can't be comfortable. 603 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,000 And I related more to the guy on the television 604 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,120 who had just caused all this damage 605 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,520 and was about to get arrested, he was probably hired drunk. 606 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,600 And I'm like, that's my person, not these people. 607 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,400 You know, not these people who are first of all 608 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:38,400 judging that person and I feel like I'm hiding so much. 609 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,920 And if you've ever had those like dark nights of the soul 610 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,640 where you've been in your head for so long 611 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,520 and I went back to my hotel room and I was gripping, 612 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,320 this is Dr. Bob, I think, no, no, I think Bill talks about it 613 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,640 where he's like, he throws the mattress outside the window 614 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,600 'cause he knows he'll jump. 615 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:56,040 And I was stone cold sober and that was what was coming. 616 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,160 And I knew it was the first time that I really knew 617 00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,840 I was gonna follow through with suicide. 618 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,280 And I didn't have anybody to call, I didn't know what to do. 619 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,680 I was bottomed out and it was a gradual progression. 620 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:08,640 I got here so fast, it was like a car crash where I was like, 621 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,000 oh, this is the solution. 622 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,560 I can't drink, I know I can't drink 623 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,120 because that's the problem, I'll commit suicide. 624 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:15,720 How do I figure out how to open these windows? 625 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,160 Let me fit, how do I tell my sister? 626 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,360 What kind of texts do I leave? 627 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,480 What do I do to get through her not feeling bad 628 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,600 because I can't even call her and then she'll understand. 629 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,160 And I can deal with a couple of minutes 630 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,040 of discomfort of jumping if it takes it out. 631 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,880 'Cause that self, that mental spiral 632 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,160 that I only knew too well, that's alcoholism. 633 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,480 And again, relief is fast. 634 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:40,000 And what I didn't know is that recovery is slow. 635 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,320 And I had to make some big changes and I didn't know that. 636 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,560 And a lot of people call it the second surrender 637 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:46,680 and that's what it was for me. 638 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,800 It was understanding what emotional sobriety was. 639 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,640 And it didn't happen all at once. 640 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:55,040 I just knew that I can't keep vacillating between, 641 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,280 well, I'm not gonna be able to drink 642 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:57,920 and there's no drug that's really gonna work. 643 00:21:57,920 --> 00:21:59,680 And if I did ask it, it'd be a bad trip. 644 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,400 So let me go to, a gun would be fast enough 645 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,880 but I'm scared of guns. 646 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:04,960 So let's just do pills. 647 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,280 And when you start researching this stuff and sobriety 648 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,160 and I think if you really pay attention, 649 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,440 there are a lot of people who take themselves out 650 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:12,800 in double digits sobriety 651 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,720 because I don't know it's alcoholism. 652 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,040 I didn't know it was alcoholism. 653 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:19,400 And I have a dear friend who calls suicide, 654 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,680 it's just another geographic. 655 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,800 So, anyways, so I had to change sponsors 656 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,640 and that's where I found the sponsor that I have now. 657 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,000 And I changed up my program 658 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:31,880 and I started going to a very regimented group consistently 659 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,440 and I really shook it up and I got into the steps 660 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,800 and there was this particular meeting 661 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,280 that has like 500 people I would go to on Wednesday nights. 662 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,440 And I remember I was really angry 663 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,280 and I just knew I could go here and be, 664 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,840 I knew I was an alcoholics anonymous 665 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:46,760 and I could just go be angry and no one's, 666 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,360 we just know like it's okay, like just go be you. 667 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:52,240 And my friend would walk me around 668 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,520 and like I'd have to shake people's hands. 669 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,760 And I was just, I was not a pleasant person 670 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,040 for like a year, I was really angry. 671 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:00,360 And a big part of it was because 672 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,000 I hadn't gotten what I wanted, right? 673 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:06,320 And that's just another form of not being an acceptance, 674 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,280 which is just one of the most basic things 675 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,000 that I struggle with still in sobriety. 676 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:14,120 But anyway, I met somebody my first night there 677 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:17,600 who'd been shot eight times and he had had a week sober. 678 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,960 And I think at this point I was 16 years sober. 679 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,160 And I remember he would be so excited to see me every week 680 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,040 and I would watch these kind of scars heal on him. 681 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,080 One of them was in his neck 682 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,560 and he would be so excited to see me each week 683 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,440 and I'd be grumpy or whatever, but I'd be like inside. 684 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:35,240 But I'd say hello to him and things like that. 685 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,400 And this is how God works for me is that 686 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,320 the whole time that I was going every week 687 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:45,080 to kind of bestow my presence on people, 688 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:46,760 I didn't realize that what this person, 689 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,240 his excitement to see me, he was like, 690 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,520 to see that somebody was long-term sobriety 691 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:53,720 or had a job consistently, that kind of thing. 692 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:56,000 He's shot eight times in an alley, things didn't go well. 693 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:56,880 That day, right? 694 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:58,920 Like he was hitting a bottom, but to see that, 695 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,440 like you can get to a different place in sobriety. 696 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:05,560 And when he got his year, it clicked for me that 697 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:09,600 he kept me sober because he was happy to see me. 698 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,440 And I didn't get it at the time. 699 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,360 I didn't get what the service piece of it was, 700 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,480 but it was something that it just changed me. 701 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,440 And that's the way God works for me 702 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,520 is these little quiet moments where I'm like, 703 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,240 "Oh, it's not all about me." 704 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,320 That for a year, it was like in my head kind of stuff 705 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,640 where I was so reluctant to be there and so angry. 706 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,080 And so recovery. 707 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:33,360 So I'll tell you that chasing relief works for a while, 708 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:36,040 but what I do now, I guess the difference for me 709 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:40,080 between relief and recovery is that relief is reactive 710 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,400 and recovery is proactive. 711 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,800 And so, you know, we hear it in the rooms a lot 712 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,760 where people like read the big book, get on your knees, 713 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,200 call your sponsor, all that stuff, great. 714 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:49,200 And I was doing that. 715 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,920 However, there's a proactive way that I can work my program. 716 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,240 And that's kind of what I started realizing. 717 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,800 And it's taken me like five years to learn this. 718 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,440 Like it's, I am a slow learner. 719 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,880 Like I'm 21 years, so I'll be 22 years sober in August, 720 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,080 God willing. 721 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:07,280 And it's because I get these little moments, 722 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:08,560 these little nuggets and I'm willing. 723 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,080 I stay mostly willing. 724 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:14,320 So what I do now to stay sober is I take direction. 725 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,960 I go to my meetings. 726 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,080 I proactively work my steps. 727 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,640 So let's say for instance, 728 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,920 something happens at work that I don't like. 729 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,680 I don't call my sponsor immediately. 730 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,520 Like I start in the one, two, three. 731 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,560 And if people are already doing this, hats off to you. 732 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:28,720 I am a slow learner. 733 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,320 But like to really experience powerlessness 734 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,440 is really what discomfort is for me. 735 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:35,320 And other people experience it every day 736 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,400 and they get in their cars and they go about their business, 737 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:38,320 but I drink over it. 738 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:39,160 That's the difference. 739 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,640 And so to not drink now, 740 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,400 I have to experience the powerlessness, admit it, 741 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,080 realize that I have a God. 742 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,400 If I don't think he can handle it, 743 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:48,440 I have to reinvent him in that moment and be like, 744 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,080 I need a God of my own understanding 745 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:51,640 that can handle whatever this problem is. 746 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:53,400 And then I have to make a conscious decision 747 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:54,240 to turn it over. 748 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,080 And by then, if it hasn't shifted something, 749 00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,960 then I might do a 10 step. 750 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,920 Then I might actually do some prayer. 751 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:01,960 I might sit in meditation. 752 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,920 I might call my sponsor, those kinds of things. 753 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,280 But that's not what I was doing before. 754 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,480 You know, where am I? 755 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:07,600 Guys, did that go by quick? 756 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,520 Social, so I think we're people 757 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:12,200 that would not usually meet, right? 758 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:13,880 I live in, where do I live? 759 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,400 Valley Glen, I live in Van Nuys. 760 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,200 So I'm a little bit south of you guys still. 761 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,200 I don't know that we'd ever meet or maybe again, 762 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,960 but I hope that I've shared something with you today 763 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,040 that'll keep you sober one more day. 764 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:27,800 I can't speak enough about transformation 765 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:28,640 if you stay sober. 766 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:29,800 I don't know if we have newcomers 767 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,160 and I don't know if you're an old timer 768 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,160 who's thinking about a drink. 769 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:33,680 I certainly do from time to time. 770 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,040 I'll tell you all the things that I have in my life. 771 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:37,440 You know, I said this before. 772 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,880 I've been rich in sobriety 773 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,640 and I've been poor in sobriety. 774 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,800 Both are hard. 775 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:42,640 It doesn't matter. 776 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:43,480 I'm an alcoholic. 777 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,560 I don't like discomfort and I drink over it. 778 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:46,400 That's what I do. 779 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:47,600 So I need a treatment. 780 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,200 But if you're thinking about a drink, 781 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,080 you know, maybe you'll, I don't know what you'll do. 782 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,200 I don't know. 783 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,040 I have nothing there. 784 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:55,880 So I'm gonna read. 785 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,280 Okay, so what I'm gonna close with tonight 786 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,560 and thank you again for having me come out here. 787 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:01,640 I traveled a bit for work 788 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,000 and I get to go to Cleveland of all places. 789 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,840 And I got to do the drive to Akron. 790 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,200 And this is why I brought this guy 791 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,360 'cause I'm probably gonna cry about this. 792 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:10,520 So I went to Dr. Botts. 793 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,600 Through and of course it's alcoholics who are there 794 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,160 and it's so quiet and thank you, I'll wrap up. 795 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:19,160 It's so quiet and like just the dignity in the house 796 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,120 and like they show where all the certain stories are 797 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:22,560 from the big book and stuff like that. 798 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,640 And it's just like what these people did and how, 799 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,600 like if you don't see God in that, it's like astonishing 800 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,160 'cause I still can't tell you why I'm sober. 801 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,280 I just do the things and I learn the things 802 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:34,880 and then I try to do them again. 803 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,760 And I would throw it all away for a drink if it worked. 804 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,120 You gotta know that about the kind of alcoholic I am. 805 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:43,360 If it still worked, I would without a doubt. 806 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,040 That's Dr. Botts' nightmare which is kind of my new favorite. 807 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:46,880 What up? 808 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,840 I really connect with him, but this is what he says. 809 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,800 Might have you read this 'cause I might choke all over it. 810 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:52,360 Okay, this is at the end of his story. 811 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:55,080 It's the first story and all the personal stories. 812 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:58,120 If you think you are an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, 813 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:00,720 or have any other form of intellectual pride 814 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,800 which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, 815 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,000 I feel sorry for you. 816 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:06,960 If you feel you think you are strong enough 817 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,200 to beat this game alone, then it is your affair. 818 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:13,000 But if you really and truly wanna quit drinking liquor 819 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,480 for good and for all, and sincerely feel 820 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:18,280 that you must have some help, 821 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,440 we know that we have an answer for you. 822 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:21,360 Never fails. 823 00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:24,120 If you go about it with one half the zeal 824 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:26,240 that you have in the habit of showing 825 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,560 when you are getting another drink, 826 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:31,800 your heavenly father will never let you down. 827 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,120 Thanks for letting me share.