1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,280 - Hi, I'm Tivoli and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:03,520 - Hi, Tivoli. 3 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:06,400 - And I'd like to thank Scott and Joan 4 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:09,720 and for having me here tonight. 5 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,680 I have been sober. 6 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:16,160 My sobriety date is April 30, 1990. 7 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:17,600 I have a sponsor. 8 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,080 I guess one of her other sponsors spoke here the other day. 9 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:24,520 So it's a pretty active group with a sponsor 10 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:27,040 who does a lot of speaking 11 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:30,120 and everybody in the group participates 12 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,760 and we have a Tuesday night step study. 13 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,960 So we're always reading and finding out 14 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:41,960 more about Alcoholics Anonymous and being in the program 15 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,840 and how do we stay sober? 16 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,740 How do we live life on life's terms? 17 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:49,520 I came in because I had a therapist 18 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,280 who thought it would be interesting 19 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:54,680 if I would stop drinking for just a couple of weeks 20 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,080 and sample Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, not commit, 21 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,520 but just try it and see whether, you know, 22 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,480 that might be a good thing for me. 23 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,640 So I tried the Alcoholics Anonymous part I wasn't going to do 24 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:10,320 but I did stop drinking for an entire week, 25 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,240 although she had asked for two 26 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:16,160 and it was hard for someone like myself. 27 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,960 You know, I hadn't, my mom's side of the family 28 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:24,960 is Irish Russian, so I would say our style of drinking 29 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,840 is closer to people in Alcoholics Anonymous than not. 30 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:33,660 So if you take them as the norm, I'm right, I'm like them. 31 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:36,720 So I'm normal, my drinking is normal. 32 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,220 There is really no problem. 33 00:01:38,220 --> 00:01:41,080 I had a job, I had a car, I had an apartment. 34 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,700 I assumed I was doing quite well. 35 00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:47,360 Although, and I guess the glasses got bigger, 36 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,240 so I could easily say I was only having a few, 37 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,320 but I was drinking a couple of bottles of wine a night. 38 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,960 And not every night, but most nights, at least a bottle. 39 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,600 I would plan on having two drinks. 40 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,760 I would buy at least two or three bottles 41 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:06,300 just in case I might want more than one or two glasses. 42 00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:10,240 And so it was always available for me. 43 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:14,600 And I picked my markets as to who had the best prices on out. 44 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,640 And then I would choose what foods would look good 45 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:22,620 to the person checking me out or the people in line with me. 46 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:25,020 So you wouldn't think I had a drinking problem. 47 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,240 You would just think I was social. 48 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,720 And I remember being at some place getting alcohol one day 49 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,360 and someone said, "Oh, you're having a party." 50 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,620 And no, actually I had just wanted to buy enough 51 00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:39,160 for the weekend so I wouldn't have to drive drunk 52 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,440 in order to buy more. 53 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,280 So that was what my drinking was like. 54 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,240 I, on the other hand, didn't really think I had a problem. 55 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,220 And so I come into Alcoholics Anonymous. 56 00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:52,240 I heard a really big story that was not mine. 57 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,640 And I thought, "Oh, that's not me. I don't have that." 58 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,980 And so then I continued to drink for a year. 59 00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:01,480 But you know, they say that Alcoholics Anonymous 60 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,800 will do when you're drinking. 61 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,480 And what happened to me was that I started looking 62 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,640 and I went to a psychic and, you know, 63 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,600 just to find out how to improve my life. 64 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:14,680 And she said, "Make a list of everything that you want 65 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,440 out of your life and everything you want in your life." 66 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:21,400 So the things I wanted out of my life were drinking, 67 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,040 smoking, and almost all of my friends. 68 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:28,160 And the things I wanted in my life were, you know, 69 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:33,160 a happy marriage and a better job and more money 70 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,960 and a nice house. 71 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,260 If you drink like I can, you don't get those things 72 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,720 on the right side of my list. 73 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:44,320 You know, I wanted a normal life that other people have. 74 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:45,720 They're happy in their lives. 75 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,440 They're enjoying what they're doing. 76 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,120 They have careers they enjoy 77 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,080 that they want to show up for work. 78 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,360 And I didn't have any. 79 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:57,320 And I didn't understand that I was the one holding me back. 80 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,020 So after a year of investigating 81 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:02,680 whether I might possibly be an alcoholic, 82 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:04,320 I was the kind of alcoholic 83 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,000 that then comes into the meetings. 84 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,200 So I called Central, the Los Angeles Central office, 85 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,640 and they told me to go to a certain meeting. 86 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,800 And I never, I didn't like working late. 87 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,920 But that day I, of course, did miss that meeting 88 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,640 and didn't know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous. 89 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,680 I didn't know, living in Los Angeles, 90 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,960 if I missed one meeting, there were many, many more 91 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,440 that would take its place. 92 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,080 I thought there was like one a week. 93 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,480 So by missing it, I would then, of course, 94 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:33,840 just go back next week. 95 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,800 But I called Central office again. 96 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,640 And they were like, you know, as a matter of fact, 97 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,360 just one like 15 minutes from now at this area. 98 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,860 So that meeting, of course, was even closer 99 00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:45,840 than the one they'd given me the first time. 100 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,760 And I showed up at that meeting 101 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,560 and it was a little candlelight meeting, 102 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,360 maybe about this size. 103 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,880 And I sat down and I started to, 104 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,720 I was so bereft that I was an alcoholic. 105 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:03,100 And I did identify as a newcomer in that meeting. 106 00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:07,080 And then they had a meeting and I judged everybody in it. 107 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,000 And, you know, they shared 108 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,700 and she talked about their feelings. 109 00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,680 And I just, ugh, I just hated them all. 110 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:17,300 But what I didn't notice, because I had so much perception, 111 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:20,880 was that everyone else had now closed up their chairs 112 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,640 and moved them to the side of the room. 113 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,040 And I was still sobbing in the middle of the room. 114 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,860 And a woman came over and opened her chair 115 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:30,660 and sat next to me and started telling me 116 00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:32,160 about Alcoholics Anonymous. 117 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,360 And had broken up with her boyfriend 118 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,240 and happened to live, I don't know, 119 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,400 maybe she was 10 blocks from me. 120 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,400 So she was like, 121 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,920 "I'd like to take you to a meeting tomorrow." 122 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,040 So my plan was to go once a week. 123 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:49,360 I really wanted a limited plan and Alcoholics Anonymous 124 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:52,640 didn't want to come in and be here all the time. 125 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,880 But I didn't know how to say no. 126 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,880 She seemed awfully nice. 127 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,560 I don't know very much. 128 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,320 And she told me a lot about alcoholism. 129 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,200 And if you have the first drink, 130 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,360 then it makes you want the second one. 131 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,800 And that other people are able to have one 132 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,480 and they don't get that craving. 133 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:13,520 So I was learning a lot about, oh, that sounds like me. 134 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:18,320 Oh, now I get why I only want two glasses or one glass, 135 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,300 but I drink a couple of bottles. 136 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:23,680 And then I'm hungover, but I go to work 137 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,200 and I make sure I never miss on a Monday or a Friday, 138 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,480 because I don't want them to think 139 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,240 I might have a drinking problem. 140 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,960 And I change liquor stores every night 141 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,580 because I don't want them to think 142 00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:36,820 I have a drinking problem. 143 00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:39,720 And she explained to me that normal drinkers 144 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,480 do not do it that way. 145 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,920 They don't, they can buy it Ralphs. 146 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:47,440 You know, they don't have to change liquor stores. 147 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,640 They don't have a problem taking their trash out. 148 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,800 They had a lot of clinking bottles. 149 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:57,160 And so I had to figure out how to make my trash 150 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,900 not be as loud when I would take it downstairs. 151 00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:04,400 And those are problems normal drinkers don't have. 152 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,520 So it was little by little, I was catching all that. 153 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:11,520 Maybe I had a problem and just kept showing up. 154 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:15,760 And she wanted me to do at least 30 days each day. 155 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,040 And as a matter of fact, 156 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,920 because she'd broken up with someone, 157 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,960 she was doing one meeting a day. 158 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,120 And as a matter of fact, 159 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,080 she was happy to come and pick me up 160 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,740 and take me to those meetings. 161 00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:29,240 And she'd introduced me around and say, 162 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:33,440 "Tivoli has three days, she has four days." 163 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,800 And she was so proud of me for having, you know, 164 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,800 gotten that little bit of sobriety. 165 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,780 And I called her all the time and I hated my work. 166 00:07:41,780 --> 00:07:43,800 I hated the people at my work. 167 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,760 You know, I just talked and had a lot of problems 168 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,860 that I wanted to discuss at length. 169 00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:50,600 And people listened to me. 170 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,900 People were not listening to me when I, 171 00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:56,720 I would be in social situations 172 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,520 and I made people uncomfortable 173 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,800 and they would as quickly as they could disappear from me. 174 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,780 So here I was in Alcoholics Anonymous. 175 00:08:04,780 --> 00:08:06,760 I was told to take commitment. 176 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,520 And I finally took what I took the bagel commitment 177 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,660 at the Sunday Palisades meeting, 178 00:08:11,660 --> 00:08:13,400 which is a really large meeting. 179 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:17,800 And I begrudgingly took it, but I did take it 180 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,440 and started showing up with those bagels 181 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,800 and had to get there really early to cut them off. 182 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:27,120 But what I found is once I had taken that commitment, 183 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,400 I started to meet the other people in the meeting 184 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,960 and that they started to treat me as if I was a regular. 185 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,480 And they started to treat me as if I was part 186 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,960 of their family and were kind to me 187 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:44,960 and invited me to AA parties and included me in their plans 188 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,000 and invited me to go for lunch afterwards. 189 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,260 And I hadn't had any friends, you know, 190 00:08:51,260 --> 00:08:54,320 or I had one girlfriend, we were a perfect pair. 191 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,140 She would call me and talk about her boyfriend 192 00:08:57,140 --> 00:09:00,560 for like two hours straight and I would be getting drunker 193 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,760 and drunker and drunker and she wouldn't notice. 194 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,720 But that's not a normal relation. 195 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:09,900 And so in Alcoholics Anonymous, there was more give and take 196 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:12,520 and people invited me to play tennis. 197 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:16,160 And all of a sudden I had a life and I had friends 198 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:19,360 and I was staying sober one day at a time. 199 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,720 And I added commitments to that. 200 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,760 And I still was calling that sponsor all up. 201 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:29,540 And around, I guess a little bit before one year, 202 00:09:29,540 --> 00:09:33,100 she forced me to do it in the inventory. 203 00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,560 I didn't use the right paper 204 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,160 because my part in it was sort of missing, 205 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:41,120 but I was good at your part and what you had done 206 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:44,960 and you know, so, you know, I was a slow start. 207 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,000 I came in on a limited plan. 208 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,920 And by the, I would say the grace of God, 209 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:54,320 I've been able to stay and develop a better plan. 210 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,040 I changed sponsor. 211 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,840 I had the same sponsor for many, many, many years. 212 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:04,440 And a girlfriend had suggested I get her as a sponsor. 213 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,020 Our conversations started over the phone. 214 00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:08,680 I'd actually never met her. 215 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:12,400 And which was a good thing because when I finally met her, 216 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,120 she actually looked exactly like my mom, 217 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,860 but she was not alcoholic. 218 00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:20,000 I mean, she was alcoholic, but sober as opposed to my mom. 219 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,040 So I could call Nancy and she was always sober. 220 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,260 And I hadn't had that relationship with my mom 221 00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:28,280 because she was strong. 222 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,760 My mom finally quit drinking. 223 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,960 When she turned about 80, she got dementia. 224 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,640 And with the dementia, A, in dementia facilities, 225 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,600 they don't serve alcohol. 226 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,280 So she stopped drinking. 227 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,440 You know, I felt so sorry for myself 228 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:48,080 when I came call at some didn't understand my problem. 229 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,480 And I didn't understand what the solution. 230 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,840 I am so grateful that I don't need to go to older 231 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,880 and then get dementia. 232 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:01,280 In my opinion, it was probably from alcoholic dementia. 233 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,800 Corsica, I don't, that's not a family story. 234 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,720 That's not what my sisters will tell you, 235 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,620 but I am grateful. 236 00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:12,080 I didn't have to keep going in my alcoholism. 237 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:16,400 I'm grateful that I had that was able to go to that meeting 238 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,920 and be enveloped by alcoholics anonymous 239 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:23,240 by these kind people who treated me so well. 240 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,720 And I was not all that pleasant to be around 241 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:26,980 in the beginning. 242 00:11:26,980 --> 00:11:29,800 And my life has gotten to change. 243 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,640 And I've done the steps a couple of times, 244 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,960 and then I've done a lot of spot check inventories 245 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:41,120 and working with, you know, my sponsor 246 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:45,360 and doing the amends and really learning 247 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,440 how to be a human being in this life. 248 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:53,400 I didn't understand who I was when I was drinking. 249 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,160 Someone once told me that the alcohol for me 250 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,600 was like a veil between me and other people. 251 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,880 I couldn't see my part in anything. 252 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:06,140 And luckily that first sponsor did bring my attention back. 253 00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:10,100 We've got another piece of paper that covered that part. 254 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:13,380 You know, and it's the usual, excuse me, 255 00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:17,200 the usual things that selfish and self-centered. 256 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,800 I only think about myself. 257 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,000 With the alcohol, I then don't notice the reaction 258 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,760 I have in the world and why other people are angry 259 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,280 or don't like me. 260 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,840 In doing some of the work with my first sponsor, 261 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,880 I had quit a job and I was leaving with my boss. 262 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,840 And they had a tradition of, 263 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,500 it was a relatively small office. 264 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,600 They would take you out to lunch, you know, to say goodbye. 265 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,360 So they not only did not take me out for lunch, 266 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,120 they didn't even take me out for coffee. 267 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,560 Some of the gals said they were gonna take me out for coffee 268 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,140 and then got too busy and didn't. 269 00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:55,080 And I assumed because I didn't get along 270 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,440 with the office manager, which was certainly the case. 271 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,040 But more to the point was I was that girl 272 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,320 who was talking about you behind your back 273 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:08,880 and that I would kind of create havoc wherever I went. 274 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,000 So I was drinking in that job for a year 275 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,080 and then got sober for a year. 276 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,960 And then my boss and I both left together 277 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,600 and we ended up working at another company for 20 years. 278 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,120 So I came to the second one sober. 279 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:27,680 And the person I was in that first year of sobriety 280 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:31,920 and that last year of drinking is frankly more to the point 281 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:33,800 of why no one wanted to have coffee, 282 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,040 why they didn't take me out to lunch. 283 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:40,120 It was that I was selfish, I did it my way. 284 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,440 I did a great job for my boss, so he was happy, 285 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,360 but I didn't get along with anyone else in that company. 286 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:51,560 And my behavior of gossiping about everyone else 287 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,960 did not enhance my relationships. 288 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,720 No one could feel safe about being. 289 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:00,280 So the thing about doing the inventory for me 290 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,780 is I don't know that I ever would have known that 291 00:14:02,780 --> 00:14:06,020 had I not done the work, had I not done the work 292 00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:09,580 with a sponsor who could probably have a better understanding 293 00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:12,280 of my personality traits and how they were working 294 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:17,280 and could guide me along that path to really look back 295 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:21,920 at who I was and how I want to be in the world now. 296 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,240 I don't want to be in a place 297 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,580 where I'm creating a lot of damage. 298 00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:29,600 I just quit another job on Thursday 299 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,920 and I'd been there five years. 300 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,600 It was an entirely different experience. 301 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:39,080 Also, I actually was probably one of the main reasons 302 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:44,080 I was quitting, gave me flowers, brought in pastry. 303 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:48,880 My sponsor had suggested, I'd done some inventory 304 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,880 about the situation and kind of what was happening. 305 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,640 There had been a crisis and I didn't like how it was handled 306 00:14:55,640 --> 00:15:00,080 and I was able to talk it in depth with my sponsor. 307 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,780 It was a situation that fundamentally 308 00:15:02,780 --> 00:15:06,080 the company was changing and it was changing in a way. 309 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,600 I didn't really want to go on that journey with them, 310 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,320 but it wasn't about, I hate you. 311 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,600 You're the wrong person. 312 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,640 I didn't make it personal. 313 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,400 I was able to look at what are we doing 314 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,920 and do I want to do it that way? 315 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,520 Couldn't have ever done that before. 316 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,080 I wouldn't have had any clarity. 317 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:32,720 What I noticed is I tend to throw in grenades 318 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,260 so that I normally am not someone who will start the fight, 319 00:15:36,260 --> 00:15:38,640 but I'm superb at finishing it. 320 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,740 And in a way that is so destructive. 321 00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:45,080 It showed up in my inventory 322 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,140 over and over and over and over again. 323 00:15:48,140 --> 00:15:50,360 And I don't have to do that. 324 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,920 I didn't do that this time. 325 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,340 I made my needs known. 326 00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:56,980 I asked for what I wanted. 327 00:15:56,980 --> 00:16:01,980 I had conversations around the direction I saw it going 328 00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:07,440 and what my preferences were, but all very adult. 329 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,160 It wasn't that there were no grenades. 330 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:14,240 My sponsor had me, when I had talked to her about this issue 331 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,360 she said, we don't antagonize people 332 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,040 and we act as if we're all on the same side. 333 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:23,280 So I now have a post-it right where I can see it 334 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:27,000 when I work because my idea of being a human being 335 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,080 is to antagonize people. 336 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:32,320 What I used to do is I would be mad at you. 337 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:36,000 I would go home, I would be mad. 338 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,160 I would drink about it and I would chew on it. 339 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:42,240 And I would create this whole scenario 340 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,320 of what happened, real or imagined. 341 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,280 And then I would go back to work the next day 342 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:48,600 and up the end. 343 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,760 And I'm not sure, usually there was a problem, 344 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:55,200 but I was so good at making things so much worse 345 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,800 than they ever were. 346 00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:00,320 And a characteristic of mine in alcoholism 347 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,180 is that that's what I did. 348 00:17:02,180 --> 00:17:05,160 I turned on what was happening in my life 349 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,560 and I was blaming everybody else 350 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,040 for why I was not getting what I wanted. 351 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,860 I didn't take any responsibility. 352 00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:15,720 And what I found in doing the steps 353 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:19,560 and developing a relationship with a power greater 354 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,320 than myself is that I can be more comfortable. 355 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,400 I don't have to agree with everyone. 356 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:30,140 I don't, but I don't have to pick up a drink regardless. 357 00:17:30,140 --> 00:17:34,160 I can, you know, Ben talked about reaching out 358 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:37,760 and having that support and having those friends 359 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,640 and people I can talk to. 360 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:44,520 And it's typically for me, not that I'm craving alcohol, 361 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,440 it's that I don't know how to live life. 362 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,560 But I do know that when I was 15 years sober, 363 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,340 I was on a cruise of the Baltic. 364 00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:54,160 I had always wanted to go. 365 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,240 I had wanted to go to Tivoli Gardens. 366 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:57,380 I had not been. 367 00:17:57,380 --> 00:18:01,400 And I was so excited that I was on this trip 368 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,840 and I had spent a day in Berlin 369 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,520 and it's a long train ride back to the coast. 370 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,000 And it was my birthday and I had made friends on this trip. 371 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,800 I'd been going to the Friendsville meetings on the ship. 372 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,500 You know, I was doing all the right stuff 373 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:20,040 and I get back to that ship 374 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,640 and I'm feeling sorry for myself. 375 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,560 I'm feeling sorry for myself that it's my birthday 376 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:29,280 and no one is, you know, making a big deal about it. 377 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:32,440 Now, I had not told anyone it was my birthday, 378 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:36,480 which could have been the biggest problem. 379 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,640 There were people who would have certainly had dinner with me 380 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,540 had I said that, you know, 381 00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:43,960 but I was just going into this pity party. 382 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,120 And I ended up having a conversation with God 383 00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,480 as I walked the deck. 384 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,580 I don't see a sign I'm going to take a drink. 385 00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:52,800 15 years sober. 386 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,880 It's $8 to call my sponsor. 387 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,240 No way am I spending that $8. 388 00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:02,240 So I'm really making it, you know, a conundrum for God. 389 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:06,720 Somebody had once said that if you shut yourself in a closet 390 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,560 and expect God, and you're hungry, 391 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:12,000 don't expect God to put a hot dog through the keyhole. 392 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,840 You know, don't set those situations up. 393 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,880 But anyway, that's exactly what I did. 394 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:21,320 So I'm walking on the boat and thinking about drinking 395 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,240 because I'm feeling sorry for myself. 396 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,600 So there were only like three or four people 397 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,800 who had come to that Friends of Bill meeting, 398 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,400 but there was a really nice guy who had come 399 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:34,720 and he happened to be walking the opposite direction 400 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,880 and walked, you know, towards me and said hello 401 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:42,720 and talked about how proud my family must be that I'm sober. 402 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,680 And how lucky I am to have 15 years. 403 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,120 And he told me a little bit about himself 404 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,180 and some of the hardships that he'd had 405 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:53,760 and that Alcoholics Anonymous had helped 406 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,000 to navigate those difficulties. 407 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,780 He had wanted a promotion, but didn't get it. 408 00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:02,200 And someone else did who was not as well qualified. 409 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,400 And over time, he ended up getting that job. 410 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,800 He said he suited up, he showed up, 411 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:11,120 he did the things he was supposed to do with the job he had. 412 00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:16,120 And so I was listening to him and listening to him talk 413 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:21,260 about how proud my family would be of my recovery. 414 00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:24,120 And that actually is not the case. 415 00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,320 They weren't happy for me. 416 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,320 They're drinkers. 417 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,240 They want me to be drinking with them. 418 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,800 It did not go well. 419 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,640 They liked me much better drunk. 420 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,840 And, but his kindness really touched 421 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:41,200 and I chose to believe that that was a sign from God. 422 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,460 That that was what I had been looking for. 423 00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:47,560 That being sober is so important in my life. 424 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,840 That nothing good comes in my life if I'm not sober. 425 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,000 So I did not drink. 426 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,800 I did get a box of candy, but and celebrated my birthday 427 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,880 and later told people it was my birthday 428 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:01,240 and they were so nice, which they could have been 429 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:02,580 had they not. 430 00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:07,360 You know, I had set that up and what I try not to do 431 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:08,240 is do that. 432 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,560 And what I try to do is talk to a sponsor enough 433 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,960 so that I don't set those situations up 434 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,200 where I can feel poor me, poor me, poor me a drink. 435 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,160 Where I can feel less than or apart than. 436 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,600 So my husband really wanted to move to Park City 437 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:29,840 and we were going to see the Mayan ruins in March. 438 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,000 And so I'd stopped looking in Park City for a place to live 439 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,280 because I didn't want it to ruin my vacation. 440 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:39,840 And, but he found a home and we bought it site on scene 441 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,360 while we were in Guatemala. 442 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:45,080 And, and so we're moving next week, 443 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:48,320 actually Tuesday to Park City. 444 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,960 He's furiously backing at home. 445 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,800 And I keep remembering what somebody says to me 446 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,960 in the program, which is the more you're of service, 447 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,320 the more you show up, the more time opens up for you. 448 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,800 So all of a sudden, all of his projects 449 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,120 were getting accomplished towards the pack. 450 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,480 I was able to have a break in, in my, 451 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,200 I worked a little today and I had a break in my day 452 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,640 and was able to accomplish all of the things 453 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,720 I had intended to accomplish for today with the packing. 454 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:20,440 So I don't know why Alcoholics Anonymous to me is mad. 455 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,720 I don't know why I can go to a meeting 456 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,920 and be out of sorts or, you know, 457 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:28,120 I went to Ireland with a bunch of Americans 458 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,360 who were Irish and drunks. 459 00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:35,360 I was the only sober person and I had to go to an Alcoholics 460 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,720 Anonymous meeting. 461 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,720 I could not really, their dialect is quite heavy, 462 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,120 that it's not on television, but in person, 463 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:43,040 it is quite heavy. 464 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,160 It was very hard to understand that meeting. 465 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,480 And then they made me the speaker even worse. 466 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,680 So, but I can go from that high level. 467 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,320 I don't know what to do to, I'm sober. 468 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,200 I'm in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. 469 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,640 COVID did me a big favor. 470 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,640 All of those online meetings. 471 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,760 I started going to meetings in Park City. 472 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,560 I don't want to move to Park City and not know anyone. 473 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:07,920 I've heard those stories. 474 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,200 I go to enough meetings. 475 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,080 I hear the ones where, oh, I moved out of town 476 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,800 and I didn't really need Alcoholics Anonymous anymore. 477 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:16,680 I'm good to go. 478 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,360 And I don't want to do that. 479 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:22,120 So I'm telling people at every meeting my intention, 480 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:25,600 you know, obviously I went online so far, 481 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,200 but I'm going to go to in-person meetings. 482 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,000 I have their list of meetings. 483 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:33,240 It is not 2,500 or whatever it is in Los Angeles 484 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,720 and Park City, but it's probably, I don't know, 40. 485 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,760 So I should be every week. 486 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,720 So I should be able to find something I like. 487 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,280 My advice to newcomers is sample. 488 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:45,840 And I think I should do the same. 489 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,680 That you're not going to like every meeting, 490 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,560 but you're going to find some you love. 491 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:54,400 And so you go and you try it and, you know, 492 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,960 you'll meet different people. 493 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,680 And in the beginning I went to these giant meetings 494 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,000 where there were wonderful, wonderful speakers 495 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,000 and they had food. 496 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,000 And to be honest, what I wanted was good looking men. 497 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,800 And then I've changed. 498 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,400 I'm married and I don't want to eat that many. 499 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:16,200 So now I go for a different reason. 500 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:20,080 Now I want to meet people that I can really get to know, 501 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:21,720 where I can take a commitment, 502 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,040 where I can feel comfortable in that meeting, 503 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,160 where I can meet newcomers, 504 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,840 where I can hear recovery in people's lives. 505 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,440 And I can hear what their problems are 506 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,680 because I may not have had that one, 507 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,800 but I may get it in 10 years. 508 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,000 You know, I've learned so much from everybody. 509 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,200 You know, all of the different stories. 510 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,160 I've learned how they've walked through craving 511 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:50,400 and how they've been able to keep showing up at meetings. 512 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,160 And what I've noticed is out of that, you know, 513 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:58,160 my sponsor's sponsees, they're women with a bunch of time. 514 00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:02,120 I'm not the one with the most time. 515 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,320 She has, I think, 50. 516 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:07,840 The other ones are like 38 and 40 517 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:12,040 and all of these women with so much time. 518 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:15,000 And the thing that I see that we all have 519 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,400 is we keep coming back. 520 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,560 We're not perfect. 521 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,880 That isn't a requirement. 522 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:25,040 We aren't floating on a cloud every day, 523 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,560 but we have really good lives. 524 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,440 We have good relationships with people. 525 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:34,440 And when there is a falling out of any kind, 526 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,600 because of Alcoholics Anonymous, 527 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,400 because of doing the steps, 528 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,800 because of talking to my sponsor, 529 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,680 I can navigate my world better. 530 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:47,240 I don't make my world worse much of the time. 531 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,200 Sometimes, sure. 532 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:52,240 But not all of the time like I used to. 533 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,600 And welcome to this program. 534 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:59,280 It is such an amazing way of that opportunity 535 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,920 to put that drink or that drug down 536 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,320 where I didn't know how to do that. 537 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,840 I needed Alcoholics Anonymous to teach me that. 538 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,000 Just reading the book, 539 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,640 I had some retention problems when I first got sober. 540 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:13,360 So it was hard for me to read the book 541 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,280 and my sponsor jokingly would say, 542 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:18,040 "Well, just read it, it's a good sleep aid." 543 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,840 And it helped, you know? 544 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,520 And I think part of it is it's comforting. 545 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,800 It's comforting to know that Alcoholics Anonymous 546 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,520 is anywhere and everywhere. 547 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,680 I've been to a meeting in Stockholm. 548 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,440 I've been to one in Paris. 549 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,560 I've called central office when I was in Tokyo. 550 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:39,480 You know, I need help when I'm out of town. 551 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:43,840 I went to a meeting in Croatia a couple of years ago. 552 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,800 When I went to one, I think it was Guatemala. 553 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,840 And a lot of expats were there 554 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:52,960 and couldn't have been kinder. 555 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,280 And drove me home and, you know, 556 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,320 gave me all kinds of advice about, you know, 557 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:00,600 how to, what to see. 558 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:04,320 And really friendly people who want the best from me, 559 00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:08,480 who really care about what's happening in my life. 560 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,520 And I get to hear about them and to hear about me. 561 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,080 But, you know, reciprocal relationships, 562 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:16,520 I didn't have that ever before. 563 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:19,240 My family life has not gone as well. 564 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:23,760 My husband's, his idea of drinking is on occasion, 565 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,920 on a Sunday, he would like a glass of wine. 566 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,400 And for him, what that is, 567 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,600 is a juice cup with a half a glass of wine. 568 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:36,200 So if he has three sips, he's like, "I don't get it." 569 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:42,200 And it's not how I ever was, but it is how he is. 570 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:47,320 And he doesn't have that attachment to alcohol 571 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:49,120 or things in the way I do. 572 00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:51,280 I can get pretty excessive about things too. 573 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:55,040 So I wouldn't have been able to have that husband 574 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,320 had I not gotten sober. 575 00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:02,320 My mom, as I said, got dementia, she quit drinking. 576 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,360 We were not close. 577 00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:07,680 She had basically kind of cut me out of the family 578 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,240 when I got sober. 579 00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:13,040 The two things I did, I got sober and I had moved out, 580 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:16,720 which as a 30 year old is not that exciting. 581 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,880 But a drunken 30 year old, of course, lived home with mom. 582 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:24,080 So I had moved out and she was quite offended by that. 583 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,720 So what happened at the end was she needed more money 584 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,680 in order to be able to afford the place she was staying. 585 00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,320 And my sisters had asked if I would help. 586 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,200 And we had not had much of a relationship. 587 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,480 At that time, one sister had not talked to me for 10 years. 588 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,160 My mother had not talked to me for about the same. 589 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,400 And I had made my amends, you know, 590 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:48,880 so I was kind of clean, but really hurt. 591 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,400 And I decided I had the money. 592 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:52,920 I went ahead and I did that. 593 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:55,280 And I would visit her in the facility 594 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:56,720 and I would take her out to lunch 595 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,120 and I would take her to have her nails done. 596 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,640 And we ended up with a really nice relationship. 597 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:04,320 One day she hugged me and she said, 598 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:05,920 "Do you know you're my baby?" 599 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,320 And that was not the truth before, 600 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:10,360 but I understood what she meant. 601 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,000 I was kind of daughter. 602 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,800 So I was the one who was helping her when, you know, 603 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,040 maybe there weren't a lot of reasons to do that. 604 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,040 I figured that they had paid for my school. 605 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,640 I had gone to very good schools. 606 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:27,040 Whatever I could get into, they would have paid all of it. 607 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:29,840 And I decided I owed her that. 608 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:33,160 I owed her treating her as if she were my mother, 609 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,480 even if being an alcoholic mother, 610 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:37,720 she certainly wasn't the mother I wanted. 611 00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:40,120 And I had hoped my family would get sober 612 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:41,640 and it just hasn't happened. 613 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:43,560 But regardless, what happened to me 614 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:47,440 was here is this woman with dementia who became so sweet, 615 00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:50,480 an entirely different personality change. 616 00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:52,920 And I was able to be helpful 617 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,800 and give her something that was valuable to her 618 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:59,840 and create a relationship and create healing 619 00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:01,680 that I could never have had 620 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,240 had it not been for Alcoholics Anonymous. 621 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,600 And on the way, she was staying closer to my sister. 622 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:09,240 So she was down in San Diego. 623 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,600 So I would drive that, you know, hour and a half, 624 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,840 two hour drive, and then drive to see her 625 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:14,680 and then come back. 626 00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:16,760 And I would do that every couple of weeks. 627 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:20,680 And I would be talking to people from Alcoholics Anonymous 628 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:21,720 and on the way back. 629 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,680 And I'd be talking to my sponsor 630 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,400 because I needed the support 631 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:27,200 about how do you do the right thing? 632 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:28,400 I'm not so good at that. 633 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:33,120 How can you be of love and service when people have hurt? 634 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:34,560 I'm not good at that. 635 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:36,120 I need your support. 636 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:39,120 And Alcoholics Anonymous has given me that, 637 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:43,120 has allowed me to be a better person than I know how to be. 638 00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,360 And it's a direct result of each and every room 639 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,240 I've been in and the people that I meet 640 00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:52,280 and the sponsors that I've been lucky enough to have. 641 00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:56,640 I feel very grateful to have been able to participate 642 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:59,720 and I would like to participate in the future. 643 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:00,560 Thank you. 644 00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:01,400 - You're welcome. 645 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:02,240 - Thank you. 646 00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:03,240 - Yeah, I don't eat.