1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,720 Apparently his green pretty drink was my five living. 2 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:05,400 And then I don't know me but it was the one we read. 3 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:06,400 - Hi, I'm Mary. 4 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:09,960 I'm an alcoholic and very odd. 5 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,800 Okay, so most of you are out there. 6 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,140 Anyway, I wanna thank Scott for asking me 7 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,000 to share with you this evening 8 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,680 and I will get the statistics out of the way 9 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,400 'cause I always like to know upfront, right? 10 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:24,280 So you can judge me accordingly. 11 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:27,560 My sobriety date is May 14, 1991. 12 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,200 I got sober when I was 23 years old 13 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,520 and I just celebrated 31 years of sobriety. 14 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,820 So I've spent more than half my life here 15 00:00:36,820 --> 00:00:38,720 in Alcoholics Anonymous. 16 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:42,560 And I can't tell if there's any young people in here 17 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,940 but if you're young, when I got here, 18 00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:49,740 I thought my life was over and I hope by the end of this, 19 00:00:49,740 --> 00:00:52,840 you'll know that like it's just beginning, right? 20 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:57,600 And in fact, when I got here at 23, 21 00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,880 like some people still think of that as kind of young 22 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:02,920 and I felt so old. 23 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:06,620 I was so tired by the time I got here. 24 00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:08,560 I tried so hard to beat this thing. 25 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:13,040 And really my fear wasn't that I was gonna die young. 26 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:17,200 My fear was that I was gonna live another like 50 years 27 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,520 and I was gonna have to do this thing 28 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,520 and fight this thing for a long, long time. 29 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,240 So I'll start off my story. 30 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,660 I always think of myself as the least likely candidate 31 00:01:27,660 --> 00:01:29,840 for Alcoholics Anonymous. 32 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:34,420 I come from a very typical Filipino Asian family. 33 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:36,480 There are no alcoholics in my family. 34 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,120 There's just like doctors and engineers and PhDs, right? 35 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:44,400 And their answer, they're like super highly disciplined 36 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,420 and their answer to everything is just try harder, right? 37 00:01:48,420 --> 00:01:50,720 Like they could not understand 38 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,680 why I couldn't stop drinking. 39 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,840 Just stop it, Mary, just stop. 40 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,280 And so I come from that kind of family 41 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:02,040 and my family came here to the US when I was two years old. 42 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:05,680 And you often hear about people saying in AA 43 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,500 like how they felt different. 44 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:11,360 Well, not only did I feel different from everybody else, 45 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,480 I knew I looked different, right? 46 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,800 Like my family came here to the US 47 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,480 and we were like, we lived in a really white neighborhood. 48 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,100 I was like the only brown kid in school, you know? 49 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:26,480 So, you know, I was like the kid with the weird lunch, right? 50 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,220 And I just wanted to fit in with everybody. 51 00:02:30,220 --> 00:02:33,020 And I remember my parents were all, you know, 52 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,160 I really like more than anything, 53 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:38,440 I wanted to be white like everyone because, you know, 54 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,620 like I just stood out and I remember my parents 55 00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:42,120 always trying to get me to drink milk. 56 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,220 And finally, my dad said, 57 00:02:43,220 --> 00:02:45,400 "If you drink milk, you'll turn white." 58 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,720 And so I guzzled that milk, but nothing happened 59 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,280 except a tummy ache, right? 60 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,800 And so as much as I wanted to fit in at school 61 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,660 and on the playground, 62 00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:57,160 I really didn't fit in at home either 63 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,320 'cause I just wasn't Filipino enough, right? 64 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,720 I was a bit of a tomboy and, you know, 65 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,040 a little too loud for my mom. 66 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,160 And, you know, on top of that, 67 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,280 those stereotypes about Asian families 68 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,100 that have really high expectations, 69 00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,300 that was like totally my family. 70 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:13,400 I brought home a straight A report card 71 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,640 when I was in fourth grade, except for one A-minus 72 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:19,520 and my dad didn't go, "Hey kid, congrats. 73 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,080 I'm taking you to Six Flags." 74 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,540 He just looked at me and said, 75 00:03:22,540 --> 00:03:24,000 "We have to work on your math." 76 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:28,760 And so I was expected to like be top student and an athlete. 77 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,320 I was like playing AYSO. 78 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,160 I won like a track medal. 79 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:34,680 I won like a coloring contest at Saks Fifth Avenue. 80 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,000 I was all over the San Fernando Valley, 81 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,040 collecting trophies and ribbons 82 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,600 and just like trying to win, you know. 83 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,680 To this day, I remember the word that I misspelled 84 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,340 in my third grade spelling bee, right? 85 00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:48,520 I mean, like I was just like traumatized 86 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,580 with a capital T about trying to win, right? 87 00:03:51,580 --> 00:03:53,080 And, you know, I wish I could say 88 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,040 that's why I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous, 89 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:58,040 but I have a brother who is just two years younger than me, 90 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,200 raised under the exact same circumstances 91 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,840 and he thrived, right? 92 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,480 He went on to Asian Greatness. 93 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,440 He went to Purdue, Brandeis, you know, 94 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,200 he's like works for Bloomberg, very successful guy. 95 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,780 And, you know, but for me, like I just never, you know, 96 00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:13,460 in addition to all this was like 97 00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:16,880 this extreme self-centeredness, right? 98 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,080 Like all I did was think about myself. 99 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,920 I had a running commentary in my head. 100 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,840 Like since I can remember, I never felt like chill, 101 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,360 like I'm relaxed, you know. 102 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,480 It was always like, what are you doing? 103 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:29,620 Oh my God, you're in so much trouble. 104 00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:30,460 No one's sitting with you. 105 00:04:30,460 --> 00:04:31,280 No one likes you. 106 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:32,440 Your mom is going to be so mad at you. 107 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,280 Why are you wearing that? 108 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,480 No one wants, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 109 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:36,760 Me, me, me, me, me. 110 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,880 And I would even like, like stare into the mirror, 111 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,560 like for hours at myself, just talking to myself. 112 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,720 I just, me, me, me, me, me. 113 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,880 And like nobody else factors. 114 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,960 I like to think of myself like I'm Beyonce 115 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,920 and you guys are a bunch of Michelle's, right? 116 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,160 Like you get to be in the band, but like, you know, 117 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,360 I'm front and center with the wind machine on me, okay. 118 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,640 So anyway, I'm 14 years old and I'm this perfect kid, 119 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,280 good conduct, athlete, straight A's. 120 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,880 I test into this prestigious all girls academy. 121 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,580 And, but this girl, this really wealthy girl 122 00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:11,480 has a party, right? 123 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,920 And I know it's like freshman year. 124 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,520 I know this is like the make or break party 125 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,100 of my high school career. 126 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,600 Like this is going to decide, 127 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,980 am I going to be a loser and spend like Friday nights, 128 00:05:22,980 --> 00:05:25,960 like, you know, with the other girls braces, you know, 129 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,240 in the basement, braiding each other hair, you know, 130 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,960 reading tiger beat or something, 131 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,380 or am I going to be with the cool people? 132 00:05:31,380 --> 00:05:33,040 And I don't really know what the cool people do, 133 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,440 but I want to be with them. 134 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,400 So anyway, so I get to this party and like I said, 135 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:39,920 nobody in my family drinks. 136 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,800 I know I'm not supposed to be drinking, 137 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,660 but my head starts going. 138 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:44,880 Nobody's talking to you. 139 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,660 You're always going to be a loser. 140 00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:49,240 See, you couldn't even get through a party. 141 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,960 You know, guys are never going to date you, blah, blah, blah, 142 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,200 you know, on and on and on. 143 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,800 Someone hands me a beer from a keg 144 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,720 and I just take that beer and I just drown it, you know, 145 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:00,560 drink it. 146 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,320 And what that beer did for me is that for once in my life, 147 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,280 I didn't give a fuck about anything, right? 148 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,860 Like it just shut off my head. 149 00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:09,780 It shut off the commentary. 150 00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:13,880 I didn't care if I didn't get another A again. 151 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,200 I didn't care if my parents were disappointed in me. 152 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,040 I didn't care if any boys talk to me. 153 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,560 I didn't care if I was popular. 154 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,160 I didn't fucking care, okay? 155 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,720 And for me, that is all I wanted 156 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,160 because without alcohol and drugs, 157 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,080 I just care way too much and I don't know why, right? 158 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:34,080 And so, you know, my friend Don G, the late great Don G, 159 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,100 used to say that there were four stages of alcoholism, right? 160 00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:39,760 There's fun, there's fun with problems, 161 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,280 there's problems with just a little bit of fun, 162 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,560 and then there's problems. (laughs) 163 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:48,040 And like, for me, I went from stage one to stage two, 164 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:49,680 like within four hours, right? 165 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:53,560 'Cause like my dad dropped off this like superstar kid 166 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,000 and when he came back four hours later to pick me up, 167 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,140 you know, they couldn't find me. 168 00:06:57,140 --> 00:06:59,440 I was in the woods with some boy, you know, 169 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,120 and like already, like Monday, 170 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,880 the rumors are starting about me and blah, blah, blah. 171 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,480 I've already am paying for this, right? 172 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,080 But I don't care. 173 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,520 I found my medicine 174 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,200 and all I wanna do now is get loaded, right? 175 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,960 And so quickly I went down, 176 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,820 like that's all I wanted to do is drink. 177 00:07:16,820 --> 00:07:20,160 And, you know, in chapter three, they talk a lot about, 178 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,080 you know, what you do to stop this thing. 179 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,640 And, you know, when I got here, 180 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,400 I had an idea of what an alcoholic was, right? 181 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,380 And it was like a guy in a trench coat, you know, 182 00:07:31,380 --> 00:07:33,900 drinking alcohol out of a paper bag. 183 00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:36,800 Like I didn't know until someone took me through this book 184 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,740 and I saw what alcoholism was that I had it, right? 185 00:07:40,740 --> 00:07:43,880 And so one of the definitions is the mental obsession, 186 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:44,700 right? 187 00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:46,080 When it says in that book 188 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:49,100 that like we are under the delusion, right? 189 00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:51,020 Delusion, not illusion, 190 00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:55,080 that one day I will be able to beat this thing, 191 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,300 that I will be able to control and enjoy my drinking. 192 00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:02,160 You know, that was my delusion from the start, right? 193 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,000 Like, 'cause I wanted to be able to do this thing forever, 194 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:05,840 right? 195 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,840 And so, you know, they talk about in chapter three, 196 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,240 like, "Geographics," right? 197 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,260 I was too young to do "Geographics" on my own, 198 00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:13,880 but my parents did them for me, right? 199 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,120 They decided, "Oh, it's America. 200 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,360 That's what's the problem." 201 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,920 So the family moves to like the Philippines, right? 202 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,560 Because that's gonna solve it. 203 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,120 And, you know, in the Philippines, there's no drinking age. 204 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,560 And we have a socioeconomic status 205 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:28,980 that I have a driver, right? 206 00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:30,640 So it's 16 years old. 207 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,040 I'm able to walk into bars. 208 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,880 I don't have to drive anywhere. 209 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,680 And the dollar goes really far. 210 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,360 So I just kept getting worse. 211 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,680 But if you're Filipino, you have a lot of relatives 212 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,120 that you can ship your wayward child off to. 213 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,360 So we just went from uncle to aunt, you know, 214 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,320 Detroit, Michigan. 215 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,960 I ended up, my last stop was Fargo, North Dakota, 216 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,620 because I guess they thought they could freeze it out of me. 217 00:08:50,620 --> 00:08:52,840 And, you know, nothing. 218 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,760 You know, I always brought myself with me. 219 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,520 I always found my people. 220 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,320 And it was just, again, like I said, 221 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,820 a series of trying to control and enjoy this thing. 222 00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:03,720 Sometimes I would just like switch entire groups of people. 223 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,900 Like, oh, I'll hang out with the drama people. 224 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,960 Maybe, you know, but I find the one person 225 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,800 in the drama group who will drink with me. 226 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,120 And my best attempt at trying to control this thing 227 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,760 was at about 19 years old, 228 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,360 I checked myself into a mental institution, right? 229 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,760 I was really tired and I just needed a break. 230 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,720 I have no idea what I was tired from, right? 231 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,320 Like I'm just taking a few classes, 232 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,600 working at the pizzeria, doing, you know, 233 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,680 doing nothing, but just getting loaded. 234 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,420 But I wanted to die, right? 235 00:09:32,420 --> 00:09:36,420 I mean, and so I check in myself into Woodview Calabasas, 236 00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:37,920 which is no longer there, 237 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,640 but it was this Spanish hacienda 238 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,520 up in the Hills of Calabasas. 239 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,360 Beautiful, right? 240 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,940 With the red tiled roof. 241 00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:49,940 And, you know, for 30 days, I had a nutritionist. 242 00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:54,760 I had light exercise. 243 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,120 I had a therapist that I met with one-on-one. 244 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,760 I had a psychiatrist who had me 245 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,600 on the right cocktail of meds. 246 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,640 I had group therapy, you know, 247 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,140 I think they probably even put me in 12 step groups, 248 00:10:06,140 --> 00:10:08,080 but also like anger management groups 249 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,480 where I would learn how to hit the sofa. 250 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,920 So, you know, take my anger out on my mom 251 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:16,400 and how to, you know, work through my feelings, right? 252 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:20,680 I left there 30 days later feeling amazing, right? 253 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,800 Like I look great 'cause I'm relaxed. 254 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,640 I'm at goal weight, right? 255 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:27,000 And I think like, I've got this thing. 256 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,480 I know how to like deal with my emotions. 257 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,480 I know how to live life now, right? 258 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,800 So I get out of there and that night, 259 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,240 my friends are having a party, right? 260 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,720 At the Woodland Hills Marriott. 261 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,880 And I go, and you know what? 262 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,480 I think I'll just have a couple of drinks 263 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,420 because I just got out of the mental institution. 264 00:10:46,420 --> 00:10:47,800 I'm gonna celebrate a little bit. 265 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,060 So you know how this ends, right? 266 00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:52,600 At night, I get in a huge fight with my boyfriend 267 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,840 and I end up slashing his tires. 268 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,320 You guys, I had just checked out of the mental institution 269 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:58,480 12 hours before. 270 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:03,000 That is the very best I can do without Alcoholics Anonymous 271 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,820 and a power greater than myself. 272 00:11:04,820 --> 00:11:06,920 That was the very best shot I had. 273 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:10,520 And so what I didn't know on top of that till I got to AA 274 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,820 was that even if I sort of had it mentally together, 275 00:11:13,820 --> 00:11:16,760 I am doomed because I have a physical allergy 276 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,080 to this thing, right? 277 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:22,000 That thing like, I didn't know the wording for it, 278 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,500 but I certainly know what it felt. 279 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:25,640 When I read that thing in the doctor's opinion, 280 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,200 that phrase that says the phenomenon of craving, 281 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,960 I knew exactly what that meant. 282 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,860 'Cause sometimes I go to somebody's house 283 00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:33,880 and if I knew what they had, you know what I mean? 284 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,200 Like they only have a six pack 285 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,040 and they would offer me something. 286 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,640 I would just say, no, like, what's the point of that? 287 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:40,920 I'm gonna take that beer. 288 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,820 It's gonna start something inside me. 289 00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:44,880 And all I'm gonna do is have to sit here 290 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,380 for like half an hour and pretend like I give a fuck 291 00:11:47,380 --> 00:11:48,880 about what you're talking about. 292 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,320 When all I wanna do is get out there 293 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,520 and finish this thing, right? 294 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,480 And so that's the thing with alcoholism, right? 295 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,560 Once I put it in my system, 296 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,920 I cannot predict how this is gonna go. 297 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,720 Is it gonna be one of those really fun nights 298 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,680 when I just go out dancing with my friends 299 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,920 to Florentine Gardens and we have a really good time 300 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,280 and nothing bad happens? 301 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:07,280 Or is it gonna be a night 302 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,600 where I slashed my boyfriend's tires? 303 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,440 You know, I don't know because they both start out the same. 304 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:16,600 So anyway, I end up here at 23 305 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,120 because I just run through everybody 306 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,760 and run out of great ideas. 307 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,240 My friends and you, I don't go with me to AA. 308 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:24,400 I didn't think I was an alcoholic, 309 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,080 but it was like a Tuesday night. 310 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:26,920 So I'm like, sure. 311 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,060 And I was very fortunate. 312 00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:32,720 I got there and it was a bunch of young people. 313 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:33,920 You know, my friend, 314 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,160 like we see each other every Monday night 315 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,680 and they're like, I'm like still the newcomer 31 years, 316 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:40,520 right? 317 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,880 Like my friend Sam, it's like 38 years. 318 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,280 He got sober at 17. 319 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,560 You know, my husband got sober at like 21. 320 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,140 He has like 33 years. 321 00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:52,600 Like there's just a group of us young people 322 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,640 that somehow stayed sober. 323 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,880 And anyway, that night I was just like, wow, okay. 324 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,440 So I'm not too young to be an alcoholic. 325 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,380 And so what happened for me for the next few months here 326 00:13:04,380 --> 00:13:07,040 is how not to do AA, okay? 327 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,840 So I was very fortunate in that my obsession to drink 328 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,040 got lifted pretty easily. 329 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,880 You know, like I just kept going to meetings 330 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:16,960 'cause I had nothing else to do. 331 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,880 And I liked the cute boys. 332 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,520 I thought that was really fun. 333 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,720 And I liked going to coffee and I liked meetings. 334 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:23,560 Like why not? 335 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:24,760 It's like an hour, right? 336 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,980 And, but I wasn't gonna do anything. 337 00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:30,200 Like, you know, we read chapter five. 338 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,080 Yeah, I'm not gonna do any of those steps. 339 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,040 I'm not gonna like do anything for real. 340 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,700 And you know, and so I got a sponsor 341 00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:40,780 because everyone else, everyone said like get a sponsor. 342 00:13:40,780 --> 00:13:42,800 So I would, I got this woman, 343 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,640 but I wasn't being honest with her, right? 344 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:45,960 I would just call her up. 345 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,020 And if you've been here for any amount of time, 346 00:13:48,020 --> 00:13:49,400 you can parrot this thing. 347 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:53,160 So I was like, yeah, I would call her and go, 348 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,920 yeah, I'm having a hard time letting go and letting God. 349 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,160 What the hell does that mean? 350 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,000 You know what I mean? 351 00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:58,840 Like nothing. 352 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,840 I'm not gonna tell her the truth, 353 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,480 which is, hey, I'm still hanging out with my ex-boyfriend 354 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,320 who's growing weed in his garage. 355 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:06,240 I'm not gonna tell her that 356 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,600 because she might make me stop doing that, right? 357 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:12,680 And so I'm here and I'm not changing at all. 358 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:15,540 And so I'm getting sicker and sicker 359 00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:17,760 and getting more and more uncomfortable 360 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,400 because now I don't have my medicine. 361 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,940 And I have a friend who, you know, 362 00:14:21,940 --> 00:14:24,340 really kind of put it so well for me. 363 00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:26,760 You know, it took him eight years to get sober. 364 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,760 He would just keep coming in and out, 365 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,080 in and out, right, of AA. 366 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,120 And like, he kind of said, 367 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,320 like if you end up here in Alcoholics Not, 368 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,520 a meeting of AA, like that is your moment of grace 369 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,720 because not everyone ends up here, okay? 370 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,600 And everyone has that opportunity. 371 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:45,640 And so you have this moment where God's like, here you go, 372 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,120 but you still have to kind of jump through this window, 373 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,480 right, you gotta go through the door 374 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,120 and deal yourself in and do this thing. 375 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,880 And he said he would just kind of always hang out 376 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:59,600 in the waiting room and eventually the door shuts. 377 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,200 And so he would just end up in and out, in and out. 378 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,280 And I just had, 379 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,600 as I'm getting more and more uncomfortable, 380 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,580 I just had this feeling that if I didn't deal myself in, 381 00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:08,740 I was gonna get loaded. 382 00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:12,400 And even though I wasn't getting the full benefits 383 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,280 of this program, at least it wasn't getting worse. 384 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,440 And, you know, I had hope here. 385 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,720 So I was like, I have to get serious about this. 386 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,040 And I finally asked this woman who scared the heck out of me 387 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,480 to be my sponsor. 388 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,440 And she was like, okay, from now on, 389 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,360 there are no more what ifs, there are no more but ifs, 390 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,920 and you will do as I say. 391 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,180 And I was like, oh, I'm very serious, you know? 392 00:15:35,180 --> 00:15:38,280 And so I got really serious about this program. 393 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,600 I went to a meeting every single day. 394 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,240 I called her every day. 395 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,560 I had commitments. 396 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,480 I was of service all the time. 397 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:46,840 I like moved people. 398 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:51,040 I cleaned bathrooms, et cetera, ad infinitum, you know? 399 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,320 I mean, 'cause, you know, she, 400 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,200 I remember she looked at me and she said, 401 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,280 you are the most selfish, 402 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,500 self-centered person I've ever met. 403 00:15:57,500 --> 00:16:00,560 And you were gonna give and give until it hurts. 404 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,000 And then you're gonna give more. 405 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:02,840 I was like. 406 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,240 And, you know, and they always, 407 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:07,880 and my experience has been like, 408 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,020 everyone has the thing they're not gonna do, right? 409 00:16:10,020 --> 00:16:11,400 Like I've sponsored enough women. 410 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,340 Like for some people it's like, 411 00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:13,560 they're just not gonna call me. 412 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,600 For some others it's like, 413 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,420 they're not gonna do fellowship, you know? 414 00:16:16,420 --> 00:16:19,240 It's just different for everybody, right? 415 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,400 And it has changed for me over the years what I won't do. 416 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,800 But in the beginning, my sponsor said, 417 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,880 in addition to all that, you know, no more guys, okay? 418 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,260 'Cause I was always getting into trouble, right? 419 00:16:31,260 --> 00:16:32,500 One, I was always getting, 420 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,120 like I was getting 13 step a lot, 421 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:37,520 but I was also distracted very easily, you know what I mean? 422 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:38,360 I was young. 423 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,200 And so she's like, no boys, nothing, no flirting, nothing. 424 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,080 Just shut it down. 425 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,400 And I was like, well, I don't know 426 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,520 what that has to do with anything, okay? 427 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,880 And she's like, your picker is broke. 428 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,680 And so I was at my regular Friday night meeting 429 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,800 and this guy got up to do the 10 minute talk 430 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,760 and I didn't think much of him at all. 431 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,960 But then he says, and on Monday I'm having surgery 432 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,160 to have a bullet removed from my side. 433 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,840 And I was like, he is so hot. 434 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,520 And then it like clicked for me. 435 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,480 Oh my God, my picker is broke, right? 436 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:11,220 So, you know, I don't think every young lady has to do this 437 00:17:11,220 --> 00:17:13,840 or older lady, any lady has to do this. 438 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,400 What I did, which was like, shut it down. 439 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,560 But I will say that my experience having done that was one, 440 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,600 I had a lot of time to focus on this program, right? 441 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,480 Like, oh, my time is now devoted to this. 442 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,120 And I got really good habits 443 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:31,480 and, you know, really good foundation here. 444 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,400 And also, you know, as a girl who got a lot of juice 445 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,600 from that kind of attention, 446 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,560 it was good to get self-worth 447 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,500 in a totally different way, right? 448 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:42,000 And so that was my experience as well. 449 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,640 And so, you know, I'm doing everything they tell me to do. 450 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,040 And I had some friends who like 451 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,560 had pink cloud sobrieties, right? 452 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,860 Like from the very beginning, they're like, 453 00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:53,760 oh my God, I'm so grateful. 454 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,640 Me and God have such a great connection 455 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,000 and blah, blah, blah. 456 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,680 They're happy as anything. 457 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,360 And I'm miserable, right? 458 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,360 Every day my head is talking to me, telling me like, 459 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,720 oh my God, this is so stupid. 460 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,160 You're too young to be an alcoholic. 461 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,800 You know you're gonna get drunk. 462 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,560 You always get drunk. 463 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,440 Who are these people? 464 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:11,560 You don't even know them. 465 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:15,120 I mean, just like they told me, my head is out to kill me. 466 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,840 My disease lives in my head and it is out to kill me, right? 467 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,440 And every day it was on me. 468 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,600 And I, you know, even though I'm doing everything 469 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,440 they tell me to do. 470 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,980 And I remember sitting on my sponsor sponsor's couch 471 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,520 and just asking like saying, 472 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,320 I'm doing everything you guys tell me to do. 473 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:31,800 When's it gonna get better? 474 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,960 And my sponsor sponsor just looked at me and he said, 475 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,400 it's already better asshole. 476 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,440 You just don't know it. 477 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:37,960 And that was the truth, right? 478 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,840 So my experience and what I've had to see 479 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,600 so many other new people have to go through 480 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,040 is that I had to take that leap of faith 481 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,260 and just take the action that my sponsor 482 00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:52,320 and these other people that seem to know how to stay sober 483 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:53,160 were doing. 484 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,400 And then one day my feelings are gonna catch up, right? 485 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,880 For me, it took a long time, but many months later 486 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,200 I remember waking up and for once in my life 487 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,900 I didn't wanna kill myself, right? 488 00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:08,480 And so that experience has held me in good stead 489 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,080 in that knowing that like, as soon as I take the action 490 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,520 for many, for me, it's usually the inaction, 491 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,240 stop doing something, you know, 492 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:20,120 or I make the decision to take the spiritual action. 493 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,240 It gets better. 494 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,060 It gets better either right away. 495 00:19:23,060 --> 00:19:26,680 It gets better in weeks, months, days, sometimes years, 496 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,640 but I know it's gonna get better. 497 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:33,320 It's just happened for so many times and so many instances. 498 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,360 So, you know, I reach a year and Scott, 499 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:38,280 I think you told me I have 35 minutes, right? 500 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,600 So that's what I'm timing. 501 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,700 You gotta tell me differently if it's not, but like, 502 00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:45,920 you know, so I've been working this program 503 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,060 and now I gotta take it out into the world. 504 00:19:48,060 --> 00:19:52,400 And, you know, I didn't wreak a lot of havoc in the world 505 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,980 because, you know, I was kind of still 506 00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:55,080 a good Catholic school girl, 507 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,000 but it was mostly with my family. 508 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,040 And right, so I had to make these amends 509 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:06,600 and I like when they talk about like in the eighth step 510 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,600 in the book where it says, like, you become like, 511 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,240 we're like tornadoes, it rushed through everybody's lives. 512 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,360 And, you know, we come out of the cellar 513 00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,520 once we get sober, we're like, hey, ain't it grandma, 514 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:18,840 the wind stopped blowing, right? 515 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,040 And that's kind of what I thought was going to happen, 516 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,860 right, that my family was just gonna be overjoyed 517 00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:26,520 that I was sober now. 518 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,680 And to be honest, I really, I was so self-centered 519 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,320 that I just really had no clue about what I was doing 520 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,240 to other people. 521 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,560 And so, you know, when I went to make my amends 522 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,960 to my brother, like he was really just someone 523 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,280 that didn't factor into my life, you know? 524 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:44,040 And so I really didn't even know what I had done to him. 525 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,200 So I mumbled something about, hey, John, you know what? 526 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,000 I know it wasn't really the best sister 527 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,260 and I'm really sorry about what I did. 528 00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:54,680 And is there anything else, right? 529 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,320 And he just looked at me and he said, 530 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,480 that's not good enough. 531 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,600 And he said, do you have any idea what it was like 532 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:01,680 to be your brother? 533 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,760 So he was the perfect kid. 534 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,240 I told you he thrived, right? 535 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,360 He got straight A's. 536 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,120 He was a good kid. 537 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,760 He went into the army reserves even. 538 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,720 And all the attention was on me. 539 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,000 You know, like, how are we gonna take care of Mary? 540 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,560 Is Mary gonna be okay? 541 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,600 We have to make sure Mary is all right. 542 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,960 And this kid was really popular at his high school. 543 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,800 And in his senior year, he had to move 544 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,040 because everyone had to go be with me 545 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,620 to make sure I was okay. 546 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:31,680 And so, you know, and through it all, he adored me. 547 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,440 Like I found these letters that he had handwritten 548 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,600 to his older sister who doesn't give a shit about him, 549 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:41,160 you know, and he would just write me letters about his life. 550 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,760 And what do you think of my hair? 551 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,360 And he made drawings and everything. 552 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,240 And I could care less about this guy. 553 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,280 And so what I've done for the, you know, what I did, 554 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:53,400 you know, was I, instead of just that mumbled, I'm sorry, 555 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,480 was what they talk about in the big book. 556 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:56,920 I had to make a demonstration. 557 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,960 And so I started being a really good sister. 558 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,600 And, you know, my brother and his wife 559 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,320 tried really hard to have a kid 560 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,120 and they were really struggling. 561 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:09,360 And then finally, you know, they have this son, 562 00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:11,200 so I have nine minutes left, okay. 563 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:16,160 And, you know, everyone knows that I don't like kids, right? 564 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,040 Like I don't have any, I don't have any kids, 565 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,800 but when my brother's son was born, 566 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,200 he made me his godmother and, you know, 567 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,640 and he just keeps telling me that like, you know, 568 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,320 Mary, if anything happens to me and Serena, 569 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,720 you need to take care of John. 570 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,880 And like, I don't know why he thinks 571 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,280 I'm gonna be the one that does that, 572 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,240 but, you know, that has been the greatest joy of my life 573 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,720 is being a godparent. 574 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,160 So who knew? 575 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,760 And, you know, then I had to also go make amends 576 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:48,560 to this mom of mine, okay. 577 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,320 So I already told you, like I was a bit of a tomboy 578 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,040 and she was always on my ass, right? 579 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,960 Like I was just not pretty enough. 580 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:57,360 She's really pretty. 581 00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,320 And I was like, not smart enough. 582 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,320 You know, I lost that spelling bee. 583 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,360 And she just like was on my butt to be a little bit better. 584 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,480 And she used to hit us too. 585 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,240 I don't know if you guys remember those 586 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,480 Hot Wheels racetracks, those orange things. 587 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:16,000 She used to pow, like really nail us, right? 588 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:19,120 And so I was really angry at her and, you know, 589 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,000 and I knew I would make the amends 590 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,040 because, you know, they say you have to make the amends, 591 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,720 but I was gonna, it was probably gonna be something like, 592 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:29,880 yeah, I'm really sorry, mom, for blah, blah, blah. 593 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,400 And then it was gonna be with the tone of like, bitch, 594 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,760 and then wash my hands and now I'm done. 595 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,000 Never seeing you again. 596 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,400 Check, I did the nine step with my mom. 597 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,960 But it talks about in our book that like how 598 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,600 we really have to kind of go with a forgiving heart. 599 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,320 And I was like, but she was horrible to me 600 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:49,800 and she used to hit me. 601 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:54,800 And so my sponsor kind of talked to me a little bit, 602 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,080 a couple of things that kind of changed my heart 603 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:58,320 about my mom, right? 604 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,440 And so one of those things was that she said like, 605 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,280 could she kind of just look at it from her point of view 606 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:07,800 and like that she did her best. 607 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:08,800 And first of all, of course, 608 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:10,600 I didn't never looked at it from her point of view. 609 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,880 I told you, I was always thinking about myself. 610 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:14,320 And so when I thought about my mom, 611 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,760 she came over here when she was 28 years old, 612 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,840 English is not her first language. 613 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,880 She saddled with these two kids 614 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:24,320 and as great a dad as my dad is, he has a horrible husband. 615 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,280 He cheated on her all the time. 616 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:29,360 So maybe I would pop off a few times too, right? 617 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,480 Like, you know, in the Philippines, 618 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:31,640 they just call it discipline. 619 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:32,920 She didn't know any better. 620 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,960 Her parents, you know, didn't teach her any differently. 621 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,280 You know, and the other thing with my mom 622 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,840 is that I was so embarrassed of her, right? 623 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,000 Because she did have the thick accent 624 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,520 and all I wanted was a mom 625 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,880 like the other American kids' moms, right? 626 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,040 I wanted Carol Brady and I had this mom 627 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:50,720 that like embarrassed me. 628 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,440 And like during, you know, our bake sales, 629 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,440 all the other moms have made normal stuff 630 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:58,760 like chocolate chip cookies and brownies and lemon squares. 631 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,840 And my mom would bring like this weird Filipino 632 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:04,040 coconut rice stuff called bibingka 633 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,640 and no one ever bought the bibingka, right? 634 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,800 And I was just like humiliated. 635 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,240 And I remember telling my sponsor, 636 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,960 like, I'm just so disappointed, like disappointed. 637 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,160 Why couldn't I have had like a normal mom? 638 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,440 And my sponsor was like, well, she, you know, 639 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:18,520 sacrificed for you. 640 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,440 She put you in the best schools 641 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,720 and you turned out to be an alcoholic and a drug addict. 642 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,640 Do you think she's a little bummed out too? 643 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,320 And so I was like, huh, okay. 644 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:31,440 So I made my amends to my mom with a different heart. 645 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:33,480 And, you know, I didn't, still didn't know 646 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,120 like what kind of relationship I'm gonna have 647 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:35,960 with this woman. 648 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,040 But like, I would start to go to lunch with her 649 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:41,560 like once a month and someone from AA would go with us 650 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,200 because we would fight very easily, right? 651 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:49,200 Like my mom just says some funny stuff to me all the time. 652 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,920 And, you know, and so then I would also be able 653 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:53,280 to start getting her cards 654 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,280 like on Mother's Day and Christmas. 655 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:56,760 And it wasn't the cards, like, you know, 656 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,040 I wasn't gonna lie and say like, 657 00:25:58,040 --> 00:25:59,640 you taught me everything I know. 658 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,680 But I can say like, your smile brightens up every room, 659 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,280 you know, 'cause, and so over the years, 660 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,880 I got to know my mom. 661 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,200 My mom is so awesome. 662 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,560 Like she's the most popular person at every single party. 663 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:16,880 She is super funny and just like full of joy. 664 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,520 She gives so much service to her church. 665 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,160 And, you know, when I was 10 years sober, 666 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:26,080 my husband and I were buying a house 667 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:29,360 and we made sure that we had a little mother-in-law suite, 668 00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:30,720 a little guest house for my mom. 669 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:34,320 And so my mom has lived with me for over 20 years, right? 670 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:38,280 And, you know, who knew that was something I even wanted. 671 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:42,560 And then, and so that's not to say that my mom 672 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:43,920 and I have a perfect relationship. 673 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:45,960 She still says some very funny stuff to me. 674 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,120 Like the other day, she's like, 675 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,960 "Oh, that was a really pretty picture of you on Facebook." 676 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,200 And I was like, so excited. 677 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,040 I'm like, "Mom, you never say anything nice to me like that." 678 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,240 She wasn't finished y'all. 679 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,600 That was just an ellipsis. 680 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,480 She just, and she finished it up with like, 681 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,600 why don't you look like that in real life, right? 682 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:04,080 So, and okay, so how many more minutes do I have? 683 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,840 Do I have like five? 684 00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:08,200 Do I have 10? 685 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,320 What do I have, four minutes? 686 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:13,360 Okay, so, you know, and I'll just say very briefly, 687 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,880 because I took up too much time, 688 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,400 is that, you know, what do I want to say? 689 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,800 You know, the one thing that has like, 690 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,120 they talk a lot about the maintenance steps, right? 691 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:26,280 10, 11, and 12. 692 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,640 And my only pitch for you, because like, you know, 693 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,960 how do you stay sober 30 years, right? 694 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,040 'Cause that is a long haul, okay? 695 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,000 And obviously the basics are meetings, right? 696 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,640 You can't not go to meetings. 697 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,960 I mean, that is the deal. 698 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,760 When people go out, like the really common thing is, 699 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,480 I stopped going to meetings. 700 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,240 And it doesn't matter how you feel, okay? 701 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,360 'Cause I remember my friends saying to me 702 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,920 at 15 years of sobriety, "Mary, I feel great. 703 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:54,080 I don't need a meeting." 704 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,640 I, I, I, right? 705 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,880 And so that is the number one problem, 706 00:27:57,880 --> 00:27:59,400 because like, this ain't about you. 707 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,320 This ain't about me at this point, right? 708 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:05,320 It's very clear in our book about how 709 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,240 if we don't enlarge our spiritual life 710 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:10,800 with constant work and self-sacrifice for others, 711 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,080 that we are sure to not be able to, you know, 712 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,880 not drink when trouble comes. 713 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:17,400 And so that's the thing. 714 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:18,920 Like, that's why I have to be here 715 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:21,280 is because y'all are here. 716 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:22,120 You know what I mean? 717 00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:24,520 This is where the people that I'm supposed to help are. 718 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,360 And so, you know, so that is one thing is the meetings, 719 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:28,960 but I will also say, you know, 720 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,800 10, 11, and 12 are maintenance steps. 721 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,240 And it was pointed out to me 'cause like, 722 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,840 maintenance means like you kind of stay stagnant, right? 723 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:39,280 Like you just kind of do the bare minimum until someone, 724 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,920 you know, I went through the book again, you know, 725 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,200 at 22 years and they're like, you know, 726 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:45,800 look at the words they use. 727 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:47,760 It's continue to grow. 728 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,760 It's continue to do this. 729 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:53,840 It's now our main function is to grow in effectiveness. 730 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,520 And like, we must continue to grow into consciousness 731 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,200 with our, you know, higher power. 732 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:02,240 And, and so it's not a chill and just stay here. 733 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,480 And so every seven years or so, 734 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:06,720 I've had to like kind of up my game, right? 735 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,360 Like seven years I start, or eight years, 736 00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:10,720 I started meditating. 737 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,640 At 14 years, I worked the steps again with somebody else. 738 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:15,680 At 21 years, that's not my sponsor. 739 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,520 I've had the same sponsor for 30 years, but you know, 740 00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:20,360 I had to hear it a different way. 741 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,880 And 21 years I went through a big book workshop. 742 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:24,320 Again, someone, not my sponsor. 743 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,280 I just had to hear it differently and keep it fresh, right? 744 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,360 And, and like a few years ago, 745 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:31,640 I went to church for a couple of years, right? 746 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:33,840 And I learned how to pray really well. 747 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:38,480 And, and, and so that is what I would just encourage people 748 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,480 to do is just kind of keep growing. 749 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,000 One, keep coming to me and continue to keep growing. 750 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,240 And so, you know, I will just end it with this, 751 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:46,640 is that like, when I got here, 752 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:48,640 I had an idea of what freedom looked like. 753 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,960 Freedom meant I get to do whatever I want to do 754 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:52,400 whenever I feel like it, right? 755 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:54,920 And all that did was end me up here. 756 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:56,480 And so when I got here, I was like, well, 757 00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:58,840 I can't do all this stuff that you're asking me to do. 758 00:29:58,840 --> 00:29:59,920 I got to be free. 759 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:04,120 And, and yet alcoholism will bring you to your knees. 760 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:07,240 And it has turned out that if I do just the few simple 761 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:08,440 things that asked me to do here, 762 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:09,720 they asked me to do here, 763 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:11,720 just come to a few meetings a week, 764 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:13,600 was that a few hours out of your week, 765 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:15,640 find one person you can be honest with 766 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:17,640 and trust to lead you through this thing. 767 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:19,400 And then just help a few people. 768 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:20,600 It doesn't have to be great. 769 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:24,120 A simple hi to the newcomer means a lot to them, right? 770 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:26,400 And if I just can just do those few things, 771 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:27,840 I can have this huge life. 772 00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:30,240 So here's like the rundown of a few of the things 773 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:31,480 I've gotten to do in sobriety. 774 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:33,000 I've traveled all over the world, right? 775 00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,360 I've gone to meetings in Paris and Rome, Barcelona, 776 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:36,200 blah, blah, blah. 777 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:37,160 I've hiked into Machu Picchu. 778 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:39,080 I spent the night in the middle of a volcano. 779 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:41,200 I'm back to school, graduated with a 4.0 780 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:42,240 and got my master's degree. 781 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,360 I got a black belt in karate, I'm sorry, Taekwondo. 782 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,160 I quit smoking, started running. 783 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:49,280 I've qualified for Boston twice now. 784 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:52,520 I now work for a guy who is a social justice advocate 785 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:55,160 who has met with like several of the presidential candidates. 786 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:56,800 It's my dream come true, okay? 787 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,640 All this, but this never, this is like, 788 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:01,720 as our first speaker said, this is the foundation. 789 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:02,920 This thing never stops. 790 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:03,960 I always go to meetings. 791 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:05,320 I'm here on a Saturday night. 792 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:07,440 Before this, I was looking at police data, okay? 793 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,440 But the most important thing that I wanna share with you, 794 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:11,440 the alcohol, I share that with you so you know, 795 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:13,840 like my life isn't over if I come here. 796 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:15,560 The most important thing that Alcoholics Anonymous 797 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,440 has done for me is that I took someone 798 00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:19,920 whose eyeballs were permanently turned in 799 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,120 and could only give a shit about herself, 800 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,880 turned them out so that I could look at you 801 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,960 and care about you all, wanna know about your lives 802 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,960 and be a part of your lives and somewhat connected to you. 803 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:33,240 And because of that, that bondage of self 804 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:34,960 has been lifted a little bit 805 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:37,040 so that I can have another day sober. 806 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,040 So I'm very grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous. 807 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:40,280 Thank you for having me.