1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,340 - Dr. Guthrie, alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,340 --> 00:00:04,660 I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Donnell. 3 00:00:04,660 --> 00:00:08,080 It's really good to be here, had a nice drive up, 4 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,660 lots of traffic, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. 5 00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:12,380 I want to thank Scotty for asking me 6 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:15,200 and doing the follow-up text and call and all that. 7 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:16,960 And actually, he texted me and said, 8 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,700 "Am I still doing this thing?" 9 00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:21,400 But as of about 30 hours ago, 10 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:24,820 I was setting up in Stanislaus National Park. 11 00:00:24,820 --> 00:00:26,780 I have a hobby, it's fly fishing, 12 00:00:26,780 --> 00:00:30,160 and I'm a hardcore camper where I can drive my truck 13 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,360 back up in there, I don't want anybody around. 14 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:33,720 It's not that I don't like people, 15 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,240 I'd just rather be alone. 16 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,920 And I've been doing that pretty hardcore 17 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,780 for a year and a half now, and really, really enjoyed it. 18 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:44,400 And before I get going here, 19 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,680 I just want to say that my sobriety date 20 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,880 is May the 18th, 1986. 21 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,340 I've got 36 years sober. 22 00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:53,360 I got sober when I was 23, and I am 59 now. 23 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:54,860 Big 6-0 is coming up. 24 00:00:54,860 --> 00:00:57,840 And really what I can tell you, if you're new, 25 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,680 you're skinny, but when you get 36 years, 26 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,720 you're going to be a fat ass, that's all there is to it. 27 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,960 Is ass, am I borderline there? 28 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,360 Okay, I'm good with, well, I'm trying to define, 29 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,320 'cause it did say, you know, what's your language? 30 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,280 And I won't drop any of the major ones, 31 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,940 but I might, you know, do, skirt around the edges, 32 00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:16,280 you know, just to keep everybody on your toes here. 33 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,600 Also, I wanted to know what the chant was for the meeting. 34 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:20,440 What is your chant? 35 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,600 - Qua. - Qua? 36 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,320 (laughing) 37 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:25,760 - Oh, qua, okay. 38 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,720 My home group is the bingo meeting, 39 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,800 and it's at the Half Century Club, 40 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:31,960 and it's also where they call bingo. 41 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,380 So when you say, "This is my home group," 42 00:01:33,380 --> 00:01:34,920 everybody says, "No!" 43 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,320 So that's cool. 44 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:37,840 And it's on Wednesday nights, 45 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,200 and any of you would be welcome. 46 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,120 It's an open meeting, and really, really enjoy it. 47 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,720 To ducktail on kind of what you were talking about, 48 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,520 'cause I really felt a lot of gratitude from your share, 49 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,380 and you know, there's been a lot of crap happened 50 00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:53,360 in the last couple of years, you know? 51 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:57,420 The COVID, you know, political unrest. 52 00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:59,080 I'm waiting for the locust to come. 53 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,680 I mean, we're almost there. 54 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:04,360 Now we got monkey pox, I mean, gee, mini Christmas. 55 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,760 But the disconnection from the meetings, 56 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,780 and I'm a computer guy, all right, I am. 57 00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:13,400 I'm an IT guy, and I'm one of the dot-com guys 58 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,560 that came out of the 2000s, and very fortunate. 59 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,840 I'm not, I went to five colleges, no degree. 60 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,920 Yeah, but I had a hell of a good time. 61 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:25,360 And the thing that I keep going back to 62 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,320 is how much I have taken Alcoholics Anonymous, 63 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,480 the meetings themselves, and my service. 64 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,340 I do a lot of H&I. 65 00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:34,280 For granted, you know, we just go, 66 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,900 I go into a level four yard up at CMC. 67 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,520 It's a California men's colony. 68 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,200 Sounds like a nice place, doesn't it? 69 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,480 California men's colony. 70 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,600 I come and relax for about 30 years, you know? 71 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,680 And it is a gated community. 72 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,940 You will have full meals three times a day, you know? 73 00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:53,240 But it's not a nice place. 74 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,520 But the meeting there, it's called the Big Four Fellowship, 75 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:56,760 and it's really awesome. 76 00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:01,760 And oh my, I really missed going in and seeing the fellows. 77 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,440 I missed going to meetings. 78 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:07,200 I missed just all the interaction with you crazy bastards. 79 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,040 You know what I mean? 80 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:09,280 Is bastards a cuss word? 81 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,120 Am I borderline? 82 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,040 Okay, good, man, perfect. 83 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,880 We are getting there, man, all right. 84 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:17,080 And you know, that's the problem with Alcoholics Anonymous 85 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,000 is that it's full of alcoholics. 86 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,760 But it is our greatest asset too, you know, 87 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,880 that we are all have issues, you know? 88 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:29,720 And so my issue is I am extremely self-centered. 89 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:34,720 And I also, my normal position with my higher power 90 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,320 is to lean away, just like, oh. 91 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,360 I was at, I live in Lompoc. 92 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,120 I don't know if anybody knows where Lompoc is at. 93 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,480 Oh, you guys are geographically sound, all right. 94 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,440 But I like to tell people, 95 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,040 it's between Santa Barbara and Pismo Beach. 96 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,600 It's true, it is. 97 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,160 But it's really like Bakersfield. 98 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:54,000 And if you're from Bakersfield, I'm sorry. 99 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,880 It's like Oildale, yeah, Oildale, yeah. 100 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,320 And so, but no, it's a nice city. 101 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,400 And I went to the little, we have a little farmer's market. 102 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,320 I went down there and, you know, 103 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,440 it was just that whole quaint thing about it's a small town. 104 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,680 And I really dig it. 105 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,120 I'm gonna go back though to this camping thing, all right. 106 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,760 Because there's so many things that I take for granted, 107 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,960 you know, and I really get in tune with it 108 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,840 when I'm out in the woods, all right. 109 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:25,160 And I go up to places that are, they're gnarly, all right. 110 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,640 I mean, I've got a truck and I'll drive four wheel drive 111 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,360 and I'll hike in and I'm a trout guy. 112 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,960 You know, I'm fly fishermen. 113 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,480 And lately I've been chasing golden trout 114 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,320 and they're only at places above 10,000 feet. 115 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,480 So, and I'm fat and I'm old, okay. 116 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,040 And so to get up there, I can't breathe. 117 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,760 I can, you know, and why am I doing this? 118 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,120 And then you hook one and I'm also a catch and release guy. 119 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,960 I am a killer, you know, I mean, I'm a hunter too, 120 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,480 but the trout, I just, I don't know what it is. 121 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,400 I catch them, I bless them 122 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,080 and I send them on their way back to the waters. 123 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,600 And here's the thing, when I get home, 124 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:05,160 I realize like how important a flushing toilet is. 125 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,560 You know, really it's kind of a big deal. 126 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,600 If you don't, you know, if you spend five, six days 127 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,480 without one, yeah, it's hardcore. 128 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,760 And you can imagine talking shovel and you know, it's, 129 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,440 and then the whole, like I made lunch 130 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,960 and I went over and I turned the water on, 131 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:22,120 put it in the pan, turned my stove on, put it on the stove, 132 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:25,000 boiled some water, you know, it's just like, wow, 133 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,960 the little things, you know, and then my wife, 134 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,280 oh man, I love her. 135 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,080 And that's the hardest part about going away is I miss her. 136 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,800 And I tend to like think, oh man, 137 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,640 I really want to go home and be with her. 138 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:38,560 But then when I'm home, I'm like, 139 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,080 God, I really want to go fishing, you know. 140 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:40,920 I will say this. 141 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,480 My wife is, she's a teacher, fourth grade, 142 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,240 and she has surrendered to my fishing, which is cool. 143 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,280 I'm glad I finally beat her in a state of willingness. 144 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:51,240 And she, she helped me pack last time. 145 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,040 And I thought I got in the truck. 146 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,560 I leave at four in the morning. 147 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:55,960 So I drive a long way away. 148 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,240 And, and I thought, oh, it was really cool. 149 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,080 What was it? 150 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,560 I mean, she helped me pack. 151 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,880 What's she trying to say? 152 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,280 Does she want to get rid of me or was she really helping me? 153 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,120 You know, that's, 154 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,440 that's the kind of crap that goes around in my mind. 155 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:12,200 And, and it's, it's when I get, get home, I see my wife. 156 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,360 We miss each other. 157 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,320 We love each other. 158 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:15,440 Bed is soft. 159 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:16,480 It's warm. 160 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,080 All of the stuff that I take for granted. 161 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,240 And it's kind of like this thing with, 162 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,440 I understand I did a lot of Zoom. 163 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,840 I Zoom, I'm a Zooming fool. 164 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:26,960 I did so much of it. 165 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:27,920 I can't do it anymore. 166 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,400 I feel like I'm talking to myself, which you know what? 167 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:31,240 I am. 168 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:32,080 I'm in my office. 169 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:33,480 I'm got the Zoom meeting on. 170 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,280 I'm talking to myself and I'm making jokes. 171 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,120 And you know what? 172 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:37,960 I don't want anyone laughing. 173 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:38,800 You know? 174 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:39,640 Cause you can't hear anybody. 175 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,040 I want some reaction, you know? 176 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,200 So, so just this taking, 177 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:46,080 having some gratitude just to be at a live meeting. 178 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,320 And if you're Zooming, too bad. 179 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,160 You should be here. 180 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,640 No, you don't want to get the monkey box. 181 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:52,480 All right. 182 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:53,320 That's the thing. 183 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:54,160 Cause there's, it's rampant in this room. 184 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,400 I can just feel it's all over me. 185 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:56,240 All right. 186 00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:00,120 So I, now that I've burned about 20 minutes of time here, 187 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,760 I will talk about drinking. 188 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,120 And my dad was in the air and, 189 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,480 and so pretty much made us all in the air force. 190 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:07,920 Cause we moved around a lot, 191 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,320 but we actually lived and were stationed at Vandenberg, 192 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,640 which is an air force base in Lompoc. 193 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,600 It's now a space force base, big joke in town, 194 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:16,600 but still pretty good. 195 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,800 And the, so, and what was, 196 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,600 and we were also a part of, my mom is very religious. 197 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,000 So we went to Catholic church. 198 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,480 I went to Catholic school and loved it. 199 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,360 I loved all the bells and the smells and all that stuff. 200 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,280 But what was going on at home was, 201 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:33,400 my father was molesting my sister and I. 202 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,600 And I don't know when it began. 203 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,320 I think I really have tried to remember back. 204 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,360 I know it was before I was four. 205 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:40,640 That's my earliest memory. 206 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,760 So it didn't make me alcoholic. 207 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,120 It just made me weird. 208 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:44,960 You know what I mean? 209 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,000 I was really messed up. 210 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,800 And here's how the mess up was. 211 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,440 I didn't trust anybody. 212 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:53,480 I had a deep distrust of all male authority figures. 213 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,320 And then later on it just pretty much everybody. 214 00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:00,040 And also I blame my dad for all my problems. 215 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,400 And cause I could never take responsibility 216 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,600 for any of my actions. 217 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,040 Now we had moved. 218 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,520 And at this time we were probably 13 years old. 219 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,200 We're in Wichita, Kansas, bummer dude. 220 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,200 All right, that's it. 221 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,320 When they have the meeting chant there, it's like bummer. 222 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,040 You know, I'm a Wichita, Kansas bummer. 223 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,320 Anyway, and we were at McConnell Air Force base. 224 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,280 My grandmother was sick with cancer 225 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,600 and she'd been sick with cancer for a while. 226 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,320 It was always, she was always on her death bed 227 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,120 and then she'd come make a comeback. 228 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,280 I mean, she was strong. 229 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,960 But the thing about going over to grandma's house is, 230 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,320 one time I went into the bathroom, you know, 231 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,560 cause you know, you gotta pee in, I said pee, oh. 232 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:39,720 And I went to the bathroom and I opened up the medicine cab 233 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,280 and I figure everybody else does that because you know I do. 234 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,440 And I opened it up and it was like, oh, 235 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,160 there was light emanating from back behind 236 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,480 all the rows of pills in there, you know. 237 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,200 And I didn't know what they were. 238 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,240 And, but I reached up and shook out a couple 239 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:55,080 and swallowed them. 240 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,600 Like, I mean, sometimes I just fall asleep. 241 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,680 Sometimes they're, you know, 242 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,080 and sometimes they're like, oh man, wow. 243 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,360 One time I took some stuff and I piss blood for a week. 244 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,880 Now that will freak you out. 245 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,920 You're like, whoa, that is not good, right? 246 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:14,280 But the downside of that is you don't even get a buzz on it. 247 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,840 I don't mind pissing a little blood if I'm gonna get high, 248 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,360 but I didn't even get a buzz. 249 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,800 They were blood thinners, that's what it does, you know. 250 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,760 And so don't take those, right? 251 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,800 So finally I got wise and I started reading the labels. 252 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,800 You know, it's a don't mix with alcohol. 253 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,440 That's a keeper, you know. 254 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,400 Don't use while operating heavy machinery. 255 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,360 Oh yeah, that's a winner right there. 256 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,320 Where's the dump truck, you know? 257 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:41,360 And so, and that's kind of like how I got started. 258 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,040 I just, I started on the pills. 259 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,960 Sorry, dude had told me when I was 12, 260 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,220 dude, don't take those pills. 261 00:09:46,220 --> 00:09:48,120 You won't be able to share as a pure alcoholic 262 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,280 in an AA meeting. 263 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,240 I would have taken them anyway, sorry. 264 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:56,240 And later on, just drinking for me was a constant. 265 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,320 And I never saw it as a problem. 266 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,800 I mean, I got drunk and I would think about drinking. 267 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,320 I would, I remember eighth grade, 268 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,360 there was a party at a girl and I got invited 269 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,520 to this girl's house and they're gonna be drinking. 270 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:08,880 And they told me on a Tuesday, 271 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,520 that party was gonna be on a Saturday. 272 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,800 I hadn't taken a drink yet, but that whole Wednesday, 273 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,880 Thursday, Friday, Saturday, all I thought about was, 274 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,320 oh, I am gonna get this man, you know. 275 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,400 And I did, and I don't remember the party at all. 276 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,200 I do remember them telling me that I was never welcome 277 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,040 back there again. 278 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,480 And it was cool. 279 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:30,600 I didn't like them anyway, so as things progressed, 280 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,840 I also was a cross country runner, I ran track. 281 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,120 I know, it's hard to believe, but seriously, I did. 282 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,440 I ran a 418 mile in high school, 283 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,200 enough to get a college scholarship. 284 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,240 It was pretty cool. 285 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:45,720 And I was always at war with myself over drinking. 286 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,840 And I love smoking weed. 287 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,120 I can't believe this crap is legal right now. 288 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,520 Where I drive, it's like, Indica, Buds, you know, 289 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,680 all the signs, I'm like, really? 290 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:55,920 Thanks God, you know. 291 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,720 But I guess alcohol is legal, so whatever. 292 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:58,840 But it's just the weed thing. 293 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:00,880 It just blows my mind away, you know. 294 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:05,040 And so I'm at this war with myself. 295 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:05,880 Don't do it. 296 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,640 And running produced endorphins, you know. 297 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,200 I ran long distance, like 10, 15 miles a day. 298 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,440 So when you run, you get high off of it. 299 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,840 And I was drinking, you know, when I could. 300 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,920 And the other thing about being a runner, 301 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,400 oh, look, standing ovation. 302 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,540 The other thing about being a runner is 303 00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:26,840 you can get mashed on a couple beers. 304 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:30,040 I mean, my body fat was like 2% or 3%. 305 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,080 It's probably 40 right now, but you know, 306 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,440 I look like the Buddha, all right. 307 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,600 My wife doesn't know whether to make love to me 308 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,120 or to pray to me, you know, so it's cool. 309 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:39,480 Is this even AA anymore? 310 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:40,680 But all right, we're gonna get there. 311 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:44,400 So I got injured my sophomore year in college. 312 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:47,000 And that's when things really, 313 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,200 when I surrendered to the disease, 314 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,480 and I say surrender to disease, not to Alcoholics Anonymous, 315 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,600 I didn't even wanna have anything to do with stopping. 316 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,560 I just gave up. 317 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,960 I just started drinking and using full on. 318 00:11:58,960 --> 00:11:59,880 I didn't care. 319 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,200 Of course, I got kicked out. 320 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,760 I managed to get, because of my times, 321 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,520 I managed to get another scholarship to another college 322 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,240 and never ran one yard at that school, 323 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,420 but I melted for a year. 324 00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:13,340 And of course got kicked out of there. 325 00:12:13,340 --> 00:12:15,160 And you know, just good times. 326 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,360 I don't know why I ever quit. 327 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,960 And then I started selling drugs. 328 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,800 That was my way. 329 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,320 My parents didn't have a lot of money. 330 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,000 And my mom would tell people, 331 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,320 "He's studying to become a pharmacist." 332 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,920 Yeah, okay, yeah. 333 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:33,080 And so, you know, and then a guy called me and said, 334 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,280 "Bring everything you got." 335 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,480 And I was living, I was going to SMSU in Springfield, 336 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,860 Missouri, and drove my Galaxy 500. 337 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:42,580 I played in a punk rock band. 338 00:12:42,580 --> 00:12:44,040 I probably should mention that. 339 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,760 There was that little thing right there. 340 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:46,880 You probably heard of this. 341 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,560 Anorexic Sacrifice. 342 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,700 No, no, we suck, but it was punk rock. 343 00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:51,540 It didn't matter. 344 00:12:51,540 --> 00:12:54,000 So I had the anarchy mobile, we called it, 345 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,680 'cause it had an anarchy sign spray painted on the side. 346 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,440 It was really like driving a felony. 347 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,780 And I've got all these drugs in there and I'm driving up 348 00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:05,520 and I get to the motel up in St. Louis and we wait and wait. 349 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,920 By this time, I'm strung out on these things 350 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,600 called Dilaudids. 351 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,500 They're basically a narcotic that give 352 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,240 to stage four cancer patients. 353 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,840 Like my grandmother needed them, 354 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,320 but I thought I needed them more. 355 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,520 And I had a lot of pain to kill. 356 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:19,460 I had a lot of anger. 357 00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:21,880 And that was the thing that kind of took the edge off. 358 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,280 I didn't really want to die, 359 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,440 but I wanted to be right up on the edge of it. 360 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,120 Kind of looking over like, what's it like? 361 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,880 And so I pull in, I wait for the money guy to get there 362 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,840 and he gets there and it was a fiasco 363 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,440 and the doors come crashing down. 364 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,440 I took a big wad of cash from the guy 365 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:41,340 and there's cops and big badges, the DEA badges. 366 00:13:41,340 --> 00:13:43,680 And apparently they've been watching me for a while 367 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,360 and I should have done Tweak 368 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:46,900 because then I would have been so paranoid. 369 00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:49,320 I would have seen him watching me, but I didn't. 370 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,840 - You are a hard problem. 371 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:57,680 - And I got thrown in County jail there, Cahokia. 372 00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,880 And they told me I was going to do 20 years to life. 373 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,360 And I got to tell you, I didn't stop then. 374 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:06,060 You know, most people, maybe some people, I didn't. 375 00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:07,920 I mean, it was an impediment for a while. 376 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,720 And I just thought when you get caught up 377 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,460 in the court system, I don't know how many people 378 00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:12,300 are in the court system. 379 00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:13,660 It's a really fun process. 380 00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:15,180 It's hard to get out of, it is. 381 00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:18,720 And so I had this case and nobody would talk to me 382 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,260 and I had to get a regular job. 383 00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:25,640 And then I crashed, I was delivering beauty supplies, 384 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,100 really high quality job. 385 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:32,100 And I crashed the car and it was really demoralizing. 386 00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:36,920 Like I did not, I could not stop and I could not keep going. 387 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,600 I was at that jumping off point that they talk about. 388 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:43,920 And I had all this hatred and weirdness from this years 389 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,720 and years of sexual abuse from my dad. 390 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,720 And you know, I'll tell you this thing about the abuse 391 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,540 of my dad, I did two, four steps and never mentioned it. 392 00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:55,220 It was a take to the grave thing. 393 00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:58,920 It wasn't until I got a really hardcore sponsor, 394 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,040 one of those PG guys, Clint Hodges, 395 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,640 who really saved my life. 396 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:07,760 And I ended up testifying and a couple of guys went to jail 397 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,740 and they relocated me and I moved out to California. 398 00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:13,080 And I lived here before, but it had been years. 399 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,920 And so I had that guilt about being a rat and I mean, 400 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:20,840 it was just the self hate was so deep and I got a sponsor. 401 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:23,480 I moved to Long Beach, got a sponsor there 402 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,240 and called up the hotline. 403 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:28,720 They came and picked me up and went to my first meeting. 404 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,080 I liked you guys right away. 405 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,240 It was when meetings were good, when you could smoke in them. 406 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:37,320 So it was like a layer of smoke and the smell of coffee 407 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:41,080 and everybody laughing and I'm just miserable, you know? 408 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,660 And then people started to share and one person said, 409 00:15:43,660 --> 00:15:45,960 they tried to kill themselves and everybody laughed. 410 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,040 I'm like, what is wrong with you people? 411 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,000 That guy tried to kill himself, man. 412 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,600 And I got this sponsor and he was a punk rock guy 413 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,320 and played in this band called Secret Hate. 414 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,240 I was like, I love that name. 415 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,800 And I got up to the eight step with him 416 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:04,160 and 'cause I always felt like the steps were something 417 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,360 like the mile run. 418 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,020 When he used to run the mile, I would time the quarters. 419 00:16:08,020 --> 00:16:10,200 That's how long ago when they actually ran the mile. 420 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,320 Now it's a 1500 meters, I know, whatever. 421 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,200 It's an American dammit, not meters, it's miles. 422 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,800 And so I would time the quarters 423 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,640 and I knew what my time was gonna be off the quarter speed. 424 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,960 And so I felt like the steps were like that. 425 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:26,120 I had to race to get to the end and step 12, finish line. 426 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,660 I don't know what I was expecting when I got there. 427 00:16:28,660 --> 00:16:32,480 You know, they said I was gonna be spiritually fit. 428 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:36,000 You know, I was gonna have all these great promises 429 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,840 were gonna happen and it didn't really happen for me 430 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:39,920 because I raced through it. 431 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:44,520 But the first time with Marty, we got to the eight step 432 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,300 and I said, okay, what do I do? 433 00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,400 It's like, well, I haven't made it that far yet. 434 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,480 I was trying to work him and stay ahead of you. 435 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:51,840 I'm like, what? 436 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,000 So it never dawned on me to ask him 437 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,200 if he had worked all the steps. 438 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,840 So that's probably something if you're nude, 439 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,600 maybe ask the person if you work them all, you know? 440 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,880 And so he said, you need to go make amends 441 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:02,920 to your mom and dad. 442 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,760 I was like, all right, all right, probably. 443 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:05,600 You're probably right. 444 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,440 You know, and they were living in Milwaukee 445 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,320 and I flew out there and I got into the, 446 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,600 they were living in a condo and I went in there 447 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,640 and it really went sideways. 448 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,580 I looked at my dad and I'm on this ninth step 449 00:17:16,580 --> 00:17:19,560 and I know that I, but I feel like he owes me the amends 450 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,080 and all the anger built up and all the hatred 451 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:26,240 and F bombs were dropped and I was pushed out the door 452 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:27,920 and told never to come back again. 453 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,520 I said, you can bet your butt 454 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,160 I will never come back here again. 455 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:34,200 And my mom's crying and I got in the car 456 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,520 and I went back to the airport and I'm angry. 457 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,920 And that's what I call a successful amends. 458 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:40,760 You know what I mean? 459 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,760 So come on, that was a joke. 460 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:44,240 I know, it was a little bit slow. 461 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,080 All right, thank you. 462 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,280 It was a successful amends in NA. 463 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,320 No, I'm just kidding. 464 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,480 (mumbles) 465 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:55,120 I basically didn't talk to them for 10 years. 466 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:55,980 I stayed sober. 467 00:17:55,980 --> 00:17:57,720 I was the guy you don't want on your committee. 468 00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,600 I was volunteering for everything 469 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,240 'cause I was scared to death I was gonna relapse. 470 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,160 And like, we need somebody to be the GSR, I'll do it. 471 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,800 Oh no, Pat, somebody else, give somebody else a chance. 472 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,800 I've never done it before. 473 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:11,880 No, no, it's good. 474 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:16,600 And anyway, so I had probably about 11 years sober 475 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,440 and three people that in my little class of 86 relapsed 476 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,360 and I knew I was next, I just knew it. 477 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,800 And so I started talking to some people and they said, 478 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,120 you should check out this meeting, West LA Men's Stag. 479 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:32,040 I'm like, really drive all the way up there? 480 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,160 'Cause I was living in Long Beach. 481 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,000 All right, I did. 482 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:34,880 And that's where I met Clint. 483 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,720 And I asked him to be my sponsor against everybody. 484 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,000 He said, dude, don't ask that guy. 485 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,160 He's not the guy for you. 486 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,120 'Cause I'm like a punk rock dude, you know, 487 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:46,400 and an anarchist and basically a rule breaker, you know? 488 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,480 And defiant, that's the thing, defiance. 489 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,680 Ooh, that is a defect that just really killed me. 490 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:56,160 And, but one day we were at his law office. 491 00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:00,800 He was a lawyer with an R and he, I made a lawyer joke 492 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,440 and he did not appreciate it for me. 493 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,160 I don't know if anybody, did anybody know Clint? 494 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,000 Okay, yeah. 495 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,360 You don't want to make lawyer jokes. 496 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,800 He was very sensitive about that. 497 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,000 And he started to yell at me that I had no right 498 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,000 to make that joke. 499 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,760 And I probably don't have any friends 500 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:19,240 because my sarcasm is always biting 501 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,040 and nobody wants to be around you. 502 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,720 And I'm like, oh man. 503 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,160 And you know what? 504 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,520 People are going to be happy when you're dead. 505 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:28,760 They're going to be glad. 506 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,480 Classic Clint, man, I love that guy. 507 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,400 And he said, there is one chance, 508 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,440 but I just don't think you're going to be willing. 509 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:38,600 I said, what is it? 510 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:39,440 I'll do it. 511 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:40,280 What is it? 512 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,120 And he goes, would you be willing? 513 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,080 Tell me what it is. 514 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,840 He goes, just would you be willing? 515 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,200 So this is a sponsored trip. 516 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,560 Anybody that's new in here, don't fall for it, okay? 517 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,920 Get the info before you commit to it. 518 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,760 And I said, okay, I'm willing. 519 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,200 He goes, you need to forgive your dad. 520 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,720 I was like, what has he got to do with it? 521 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,680 And he looked at me with those steely gray eyes 522 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,120 and said, oh, I think you know. 523 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:01,200 And he goes, if you can't do that, 524 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,600 I can't sponsor you anymore. 525 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:03,680 I'm not going to be another one 526 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,160 of the failed male authority figures in your life. 527 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,640 And I said, okay. 528 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:08,840 He goes, okay, here's what you're going to do. 529 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,560 You're going to pray for the willingness 530 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,440 for the next three weeks, 531 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,320 because we're going to have a retreat. 532 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,880 And I want you to be there for the forgiveness exercise. 533 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,080 Pray for the next three weeks 534 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,720 for the willingness to forgive your dad. 535 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,400 Pray to your nine bolt battery, God, 536 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:23,480 because that's about the juice 537 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,040 you're pulling off that higher power. 538 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,040 And I thought, what? 539 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,200 Now get the hell out of here. 540 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,800 And I want to, did he just mock my God? 541 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,920 You know, it's a 12 volt, at least it's not nine volt. 542 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,360 But, and I did, I prayed for the next three weeks. 543 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,800 And it was at the Mary Joseph Retreat Center 544 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,240 in Palo Verde, California. 545 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,720 I can't get away from the Catholics. 546 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:41,560 They're everywhere. 547 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,560 And he pulls out this book from Emmett Fox. 548 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:47,080 And in the back of this book called Sermon on the Mouth 549 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,760 is the breakdown of the Our Father. 550 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,200 And the Our Father, the section says, 551 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,520 forgive us our trespasses 552 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,640 as we forgive those who trespass against us. 553 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,880 Emmett wrote like seven pages on this. 554 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,000 He had a lot of free time, 555 00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,160 because this was back in the thirties. 556 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,920 Didn't have iPhones or anything like that. 557 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,400 So he wrote it out. 558 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,560 And in it, it sounds something like this. 559 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,520 I fully and freely forgive the whole business. 560 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,280 And so Clint starts to repeat this. 561 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,640 And there's about 20 of us in there. 562 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,640 And there's a candle burning. 563 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,880 The lights are off. 564 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,280 It's like, we're going to have a seance 565 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,640 and bring back Bill Wilson or something, I don't know. 566 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:22,080 But he starts like, I fully and freely forgive 567 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:22,920 the whole business. 568 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,800 And I felt a weight lift off my shoulder physically. 569 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,360 Like, and then is there anybody else? 570 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:30,360 Okay, I'm fully and freely forgive the whole business. 571 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,320 Is there anybody else? 572 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:32,800 And I start going through this list 573 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,440 because I really set myself up to be a victim 574 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,360 in every relationship I had. 575 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,120 All of them, girlfriends, principals, coaches, 576 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,400 all of them, DEA, all that, man. 577 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,120 And I'm letting everybody off the hook. 578 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:46,400 You know who's getting free? 579 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,440 Me, I'm the one getting free. 580 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,680 And I feel like my ass isn't even touching the chair anymore. 581 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:52,960 I feel like I'm floating. 582 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,880 I'm like at some Christian camp 583 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,600 and I've just found Jesus or something. 584 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,760 I'm just like, oh God, this is it. 585 00:21:58,760 --> 00:21:59,600 (laughing) 586 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,200 That's why I never went off the hook. 587 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,720 And by this time, everybody else is gone. 588 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,360 It's Clint and I, knee to knee. 589 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,400 He's like, Patrick, this is the time. 590 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:08,360 Let it go. 591 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:11,560 Is there anybody else or anything else you want to forgive? 592 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:13,280 I thought, okay, I want to forgive God. 593 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:14,920 I want to forgive the God that was, 594 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,800 when I was in fourth grade at mass one morning, 595 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,760 we went to mass every day at the math school 596 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,080 and priest said, bring all your problems to God 597 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,240 and he'll solve them. 598 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:24,160 Something like that. 599 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:25,800 That's how I interpreted it. 600 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,400 Then I don't give God a chance. 601 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,720 Dear God, please make it stop, please. 602 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:30,920 It got worse, I thought. 603 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:34,040 And that was really my break with higher power, 604 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,800 my break with God, that enter into utter loneliness, 605 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,120 the disconnection from anything other than myself. 606 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,640 And that's really what killed me. 607 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,320 And so I'm, all right, I want to forgive that God. 608 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:47,960 I fully and freely forgive. 609 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,720 Chuck Chamberlain writes in a new pair of glasses 610 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,320 about the sunlight of the spirit. 611 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,440 And Chuck says that the sunlight is always there, 612 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:55,840 but we have our curtains closed. 613 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,120 And for me, I had my curtains closed 614 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:01,160 and tinfoil on the windows for the tweakers in here, right? 615 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,080 I mean, there was no light getting in that. 616 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,040 And when I said that prayer, 617 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,760 what happened was the curtains opened 618 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,240 and the tinfoil got ripped off. 619 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,040 And I felt that power, 620 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,040 power that I had never felt before. 621 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,840 I had given myself to it and I just was like, 622 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,040 I can't adequately express it in words. 623 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,800 I will just tell you that it was an experience 624 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:23,280 that happened a long time ago and it still affects me. 625 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,360 I still have that experience 626 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,520 of this closeness with my higher power. 627 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,000 And the next day he told me to call my mom. 628 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,000 It was Mother's Day. 629 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,800 I hadn't talked to her in 10 years 630 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,120 and I reached out the phone. 631 00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:36,800 I picked it up, called my mom and she answered 632 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:37,920 and I said, "Mom, it's Patrick." 633 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:38,880 And she started crying. 634 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,800 "Oh, Patrick, are you okay? 635 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:42,000 I've been so worried about you." 636 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:42,840 "I'm fine, mom. 637 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,720 I called to wish you a happy Mother's Day." 638 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,240 "Oh, I've missed you so much. 639 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,040 I got to tell you, I wanted to call my mom." 640 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:48,880 I did. 641 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,040 I had tried before this, 642 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,240 but every time I went to pick up the phone, 643 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,120 I was in this mental thing where if she says this, 644 00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:57,960 I'm going to say this. 645 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,160 And if she puts dad on, that's it. 646 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:01,560 I never pick up the phone. 647 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:02,920 It isn't the amends. 648 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:03,760 Don't get me. 649 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:04,600 This is not the amends. 650 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,680 This is a phone call. 651 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,440 I mean, this is like a huge bridge 652 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,800 that I had crossed to make the phone call. 653 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,840 And her reaction and her tears just broke my heart. 654 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:15,680 It did. 655 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:20,160 And I realized what I had done, the depth of my anger. 656 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,400 And I got home from the retreat 657 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,160 and I got married when I was 35 658 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,320 and we had been trying to have kids. 659 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,680 And it was, my wife's a couple of years old 660 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,880 and which I always tell in front of her, 661 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,400 she appreciates that. 662 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,120 And she had a couple of miscarriages and we just gave up. 663 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:38,640 We just thought, it's not going to happen for us. 664 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:39,480 All right. 665 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:40,400 When I got home, my wife said, 666 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:41,440 "I've got some news for you. 667 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:42,280 You need to sit down." 668 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:43,600 I'm like, "Oh shit, she's leaving me. 669 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:44,440 I know it. 670 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:45,280 I knew it, man. 671 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:46,160 That's where I go right there. 672 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,000 I'm going to be... 673 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,600 (laughing) 674 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,280 And she's like, "I'm pregnant." 675 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,240 I'm like, "Oh, that's great." 676 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,720 And she goes, "No, it's not. 677 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,120 I can't do it again." 678 00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,600 I go, "This one's going to go through." 679 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,160 And she goes, "How can you be so sure?" 680 00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,360 I go, "Because I'm not afraid." 681 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:01,080 And she's like, "Okay." 682 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,080 And nine months later, we're at the Lompoc Hospital. 683 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,320 We had moved when my wife was eight months pregnant. 684 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,080 And I'm at the hospital right there with the... 685 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:09,920 I don't know if you... 686 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,240 Dude, just stay in the waiting room. 687 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:12,080 All right, dudes. 688 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,680 If you haven't done this, don't go in there. 689 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:14,520 It's really handy. 690 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,360 It's, oh my God, the stirrups and that thing. 691 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,080 And it's like, "Oh my God." 692 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,280 I don't know, pop and this bouncing baby bloody burrito 693 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,880 comes out and she looked at me 694 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,960 and gave me that toothless smile. 695 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,560 And I knew like it was just another great gift 696 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:30,960 from Alcoholics Anonymous. 697 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:31,800 It really was. 698 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,840 It was a gift that you guys gave me. 699 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:35,440 And she's 19 now. 700 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:36,800 I think she's got horns. 701 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,520 And thanks. 702 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:42,480 I took her to the father-daughter dance, all of them. 703 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,600 She was four all the way till she was 12 704 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,200 when she said, "Dad, it's not cool." 705 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,000 Went to all of her tennis matches. 706 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,320 Oh my God, that was horrible. 707 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,480 They suck so bad. 708 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,600 But I mean, I showed up. 709 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:56,440 How could you do? 710 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:57,480 You show up. 711 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,920 But before all that, 712 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,240 I went and made formal amends to my mom and dad. 713 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,920 And Clint gave me very specific directions 714 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,840 to stick on what I did, not his things. 715 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:08,880 And I wrote it down on a three by five card, 716 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:10,520 the exact nature of my wrongs. 717 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:13,080 And then there was this thing called marching orders. 718 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,080 Like what can I do to make it right? 719 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,000 And here's what it sounded like. 720 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:17,920 I stole from you. 721 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,640 I disrespected you. 722 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:20,960 I never trusted you. 723 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,760 And what can I do to make it right? 724 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,160 And he said, "Just be the best father you can be to Dorothy." 725 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:27,000 So my daughter's name. 726 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:27,840 I said, "Okay." 727 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,280 And I went and made the amends with my mom. 728 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:30,360 They did it separately. 729 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:31,800 She said the exact same thing. 730 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,480 And then on the way out, my dad handed me a CD. 731 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:35,520 Not really, music? 732 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:36,360 I looked on it. 733 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:39,920 It said, "QL, Sexaholics Anonymous International Convention." 734 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:40,760 I'm like, "What?" 735 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,960 I put that thing in on the way back to the airport. 736 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,280 I had to pull over 'cause he was telling our story. 737 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,720 And it sounded just like alcoholism. 738 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,680 The regret, the remorse, the shame, the self-pity, 739 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:51,520 all of it. 740 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:53,880 And the last vestiges of the resentment 741 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,240 were disappeared at that moment 742 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,560 because I saw him as a sick man and not as a perpetrator. 743 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,480 And how can I value my sobriety if I can't value his? 744 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,560 I am so very grateful to be here tonight. 745 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:08,840 I love your hall here and the energy and the, whoa! 746 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,000 - Oh, thank God. 747 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,200 - And I just really want to thank you 748 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:13,840 and Scotty for asking me. 749 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,280 Thanks for letting me share.