1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,560 (indistinct) 2 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:03,400 - Thank you everybody. 3 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:04,720 Good evening. 4 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,320 My name is Michael and I'm an alcoholic. 5 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:08,160 It's a special night. 6 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:10,200 There's a couple of guys on this meeting. 7 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,480 One of the guys I got sober with, Tom N in Las Vegas. 8 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:17,560 He was here two or three years before I got here 9 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:20,760 and a guy that I sponsored, Eric showed up on this meeting. 10 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,920 It's good to see both of your guys' faces in there. 11 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,760 I know Nolan and I celebrated, 12 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,800 shared the same home group for 10 years. 13 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:30,760 It's a good feeling being here this evening. 14 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,560 I'd like to welcome anybody who's relatively new to AA 15 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,120 and I hope you find here what I've found, 16 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,520 which is simply a life that I like better 17 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:39,760 than the one that I had prior. 18 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:43,000 And I'd like to welcome anybody who's relapsed 19 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,040 and had to come back to Alcoholics Anonymous. 20 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,200 In my opinion, alcoholism is the worst disease 21 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,040 a human can have. 22 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,440 Well, I grew up in a small town in Ohio. 23 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,400 The name of the town was Kenton, Ohio. 24 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,680 It was a violent town. 25 00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:00,200 It was a small little blue color industry town, 26 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:04,400 factory workers that was surrounded by like four 27 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:09,400 or five large metropolitan areas that would truck car parts 28 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,720 and things in and out of the town. 29 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,440 And it was a drug hub and it was a violent place. 30 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:14,840 As a matter of fact, Jay Leno, 31 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,200 when he was still doing the Tonight Show, 32 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,960 he came out on the Tonight Show one night and said, 33 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,480 "If you want to commit a murder and get away with it, 34 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,880 "move to Kenton, Ohio." 35 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,360 Got more unsolved murders per capita 36 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,440 than any other city in the United States. 37 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:27,440 That's our claim to fame. 38 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,640 To give you an idea of what it was like for me growing up, 39 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,320 if you could close your eyes 40 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,800 and envision the cast from Deliverance, 41 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,320 that's my mom's side of the family, love those people. 42 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:39,240 If you could close your eyes 43 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,720 and envision the cast from Road Warrior, 44 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,440 that's my dad's side of the family. 45 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:47,080 They were all bikers tattooed out, long hair. 46 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,440 My home was, my whole entire life 47 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,400 was surrounded by alcoholics. 48 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,560 My home was a violent home. 49 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,680 My dad's alcoholism was ugly. 50 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,640 My dad would take me to the bars 51 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:00,360 when I was 10, 11 years old. 52 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,520 I would drive him home from the bars. 53 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,200 I watched his alcoholism progress. 54 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,560 He would beat on me and my brother and my mom. 55 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,360 We snuck out of that house eventually 56 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,760 when I was about 12 years old. 57 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,760 My mom snuck out one picture at a time 58 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:17,160 to try to escape that suffering alcoholic life. 59 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,080 I learned to keep secrets at a very young age. 60 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:23,520 I can remember going to school and feeling different. 61 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,880 I knew instinctively not to talk about 62 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,360 the things that took place in my home. 63 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,400 I don't know why I thought that way. 64 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,160 I just knew that that's what you did. 65 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,440 I can remember sitting in my grandmother's couch 66 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,800 and listening to all the men in the family playing cards 67 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,000 and drunk and fighting in the kitchen. 68 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,800 And I looked at my grandmother and I said, 69 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,240 "I'm never gonna drink." 70 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,560 And I can still feel her pat my leg when she'd say, 71 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,120 "Honey, I sure hope you don't." 72 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,120 And I meant it, I never wanted to take a drink. 73 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,280 I can remember when my parents divorced, 74 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,240 my mother and my younger brother and I, 75 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,680 we moved into these tenant welfare project homes 76 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,120 there in Kenton, which kind of labeled you. 77 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,280 If you lived in Heritage Manor, 78 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:01,560 they knew why you were there. 79 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,960 We paid $4 a month for our rent 80 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,760 and I'd get a pair of shoe vouchers every six months. 81 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,680 They gave me a meal card so that I could eat a free lunch 82 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:11,760 every day at school. 83 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,200 And for whatever reason, 84 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,720 I would leave that meal card in my pocket. 85 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,880 I couldn't pull it out to let you see 86 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,360 that I was on welfare. 87 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,640 I would rather go hungry rather than humble myself 88 00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,040 and show you that I'm on welfare. 89 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,520 That was with me from a very early age. 90 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,040 And I started to get in trouble in that town. 91 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,800 My grandfather became like a surrogate father. 92 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,000 My dad's father, my father had met another woman 93 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,160 and moved away at the time about, I don't know, 94 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,440 he's 30 miles away from the town that we were in. 95 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,680 And my grandfather would pick me up and take me fishing 96 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:47,640 and take me hunting and just loved me. 97 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,880 He was infamous in this small town. 98 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,160 He was a three-time Golden Glove Prize fighter. 99 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,160 He was a professional baseball player 100 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,240 with the Cleveland Indians. 101 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,040 He was ornery as hell. 102 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,720 Everybody knew him, everybody loved him. 103 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,360 And I'm telling him one of these fishing trips 104 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,680 that were on how my dad has been promising 105 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,080 to come and visit us. 106 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,960 He asked me, "Have you seen your dad?" 107 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,480 And I said, "He keeps promising to come and visit me." 108 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,840 And my brother and I would pack a suitcase 109 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,480 after getting out of school on a Friday 110 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,320 and sit out on the porch stoop waiting for him to show up. 111 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,240 And on Sunday, when the sun was going down, 112 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,120 we'd drag it back in the house and cry 113 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,040 because he didn't care enough to come see us. 114 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,120 I'm telling him the story and he says, 115 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,520 "Be at my house this coming Friday. 116 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:30,960 I'll make sure your old man's there." 117 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,880 I get out of school, my brother and I run over 118 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,400 to my grandfather's house, which wasn't too far away, 119 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,240 and waiting for dad to show up, the phone rings 120 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,000 and I answer it, it's my dad. 121 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,400 And he says, "Hey, Spider, I'm on my way to come and get you." 122 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,840 And I got excited knowing that dad was gonna come 123 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:45,680 and visit us. 124 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,800 And an hour and a half later, he calls me and says, 125 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,560 "Hey, bud, I'm gonna stop and have a couple with my buddies 126 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,120 and then I'll be there to pick you up." 127 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,920 And a few hours later, the phone rings and it's my dad. 128 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,200 And he's slurring his words 129 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,080 and he's telling me how much he loves me. 130 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,160 And I can hear the jukebox pounding out 131 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,760 those old country songs. 132 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,800 I slammed the phone down and my grandfather 133 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,280 had worked out a relationship 134 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,400 with a local Black's beer distributor. 135 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:14,400 And he could buy these bottles of beer deemed seconds. 136 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,200 The labels were warped or upside down or something 137 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,680 was messed up with the bottle. 138 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,920 And he had a refrigerator in the back of the house 139 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,120 that was devoted to just beer. 140 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,360 And I can remember slamming that phone down 141 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,800 and going back to that back patio 142 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,360 and opening that refrigerator door, you know, 143 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,280 and seeing those retarded beer bottles in there. 144 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:38,200 And I grabbed one, there was a bottle opener on a string 145 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,560 on the door of the refrigerator. 146 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,920 And I popped that bottle of beer and I drank it down 147 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,440 as fast as I could get it in me. 148 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,040 And I grabbed another one and I popped the top off of it. 149 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,240 And about halfway through it, 150 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,520 that magic happened to me for the first time. 151 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:53,280 It was like I'd lived in total darkness my whole life, 152 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,200 shame and fear. 153 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:57,960 And someone reached over and turned the light switch on. 154 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,840 You know, it was like, I was able to breathe deeply. 155 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,440 For the first time in my life, I breathed deeply. 156 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,360 And I felt that magic. 157 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,400 I remember looking at my younger brother and saying, 158 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,080 "Stop your damn crying, he ain't worth it." 159 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,600 And I meant it, you know, I felt it. 160 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,880 I gave myself maybe for the first time 161 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,440 the right to be angry, not to be fearful. 162 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,160 And I would pursue that feeling 163 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:20,800 for the rest of my drinking career. 164 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,040 In spite of the promises that I made to you 165 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,880 that I was not gonna drink again, 166 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:26,440 I'm the guy who always drinks again. 167 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,960 I'm like 16 years old at this time. 168 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,960 And I'm sneaking out of my house for the first time. 169 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,960 I go downtown like, you know, like a moth to a flame, right? 170 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,240 I go downtown where everybody's cruising their hot rod cars 171 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,840 around the courthouse square with their girlfriends. 172 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,800 And I'm hanging out on the courthouse square 173 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,280 watching them go by. 174 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:50,120 And this guy walks up to me, his name was Willie Herring. 175 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,680 I'd never met him before in my life. 176 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,200 He was like 19 at the time. 177 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,480 And he looked at me and he says, "Hey, you wanna get high?" 178 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:57,880 And I said, "Yeah." 179 00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,280 I had no idea what that meant. 180 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,480 He took me to this little infamous place in town, 181 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,320 just off, just down the street a little bit 182 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,760 where you had to shimmy between this little wooden shack 183 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,040 where someone stored their lawn equipment 184 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,000 and this cinder block building where they repaired cars 185 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,080 during the day. 186 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,440 And the cinder block side was all painted 187 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,120 like Pink Floyd the wall, you know? 188 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,920 So I knew I was someplace cool. 189 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,400 The wooden barn side, everybody carved their initials in. 190 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,560 And my friend Willie fires up a joint 191 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:24,840 and we smoked this joint. 192 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:25,920 And about halfway through, 193 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,520 I start carving my initials in the wall. 194 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:29,640 We were there for a while. 195 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,880 It's winter time in Ohio and we leave the crack 196 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,080 and we're heading back toward downtown. 197 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,240 And as we're walking along, 198 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,760 the left sleeve on my coat went up in flames. 199 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,280 And I mean, there was like flames jumping off my coat 200 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,000 and my new best friend Willie tore my coat off me 201 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,040 to save my life. 202 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,840 And I'm like bewildered. 203 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,680 I have no idea what caught me on fire. 204 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,520 I walk all the way back to the crack 205 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,040 looking for someone who might be burning trash 206 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,960 that might've ignited the flame. 207 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,560 I couldn't find anything. 208 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:01,000 The next morning in sobriety, you know, when I was sober, 209 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,280 I realized that I had my hands up in my coat 210 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,920 and I was smoking a cigarette and I'd flicked the cigarette 211 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,640 and the cherry had fallen on the cuff. 212 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,480 And it just caught enough air to go up in flames. 213 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,120 But at the time I deduced that God had set me on fire 214 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,040 for getting high. 215 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,880 You know, I'd done something terribly wrong. 216 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,760 I grew up in religious homes. 217 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,280 My father's side were Southern Baptist 218 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,320 and my mother's side were Pentecostal. 219 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,080 And if I knew one thing for sure, 220 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,280 it was I was gonna go to hell. 221 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,320 But I come up with this idea that God just set me on fire 222 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,240 for getting high. 223 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,680 And I'm walking through downtown Kenton heading home 224 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,480 in the winter time without a coat. 225 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,560 And I hear this voice, "Hey Denny." 226 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,640 I look over and there's a group of guys 227 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,800 huddled around a box in the parking lot 228 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,000 of this abandoned bank. 229 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,720 The guy who yelled my name was a guy named Carlin Fallis. 230 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:45,680 We called him Cocky. 231 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,840 He was a six foot four black guy 232 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,840 who was born the same day, same year, 233 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,760 same month as my father. 234 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,240 And my grandparents moved him in when he was a kid 235 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,080 and raised him. 236 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,800 So he knew me really well. 237 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,480 And as I'm walking by, "Denny." 238 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,880 I look over, he says, "Get over here, boy." 239 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,040 I ran over to where they were at and he looks at me 240 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,320 and he says, "Where's your coat, boy?" 241 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:05,400 And I said, I tried to tell him 242 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,520 how God just set me on fire for getting high 243 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:08,600 back at the crash. 244 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,240 And he looked at me like I was nuts 245 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,280 and he handed me this bottle of wine. 246 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,400 He says, "Here, take a pull on this, it'll warm you up." 247 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,680 And I pulled on this bottle and man, 248 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,680 I can still to this moment feel that it went down 249 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,440 and hit my feet and started to come back up, you know? 250 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,200 And I pulled on that bottle again. 251 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,560 It was wild Irish rose wine that had fallen off a truck. 252 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,080 And if you've never had wild Irish rose wine, 253 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,240 you missed it, man. 254 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,920 This is like wine that doesn't require grapes. 255 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,800 You know, it's got a twist off cap, you know, 256 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,320 get you where you want to go right now. 257 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:42,280 And I remember being dismissed and man, I felt good. 258 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,320 That magic happened for me to get, you know, 259 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,680 that glow appeared in my life one more time. 260 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:51,040 And I'm walking across town to get back to Heritage Manor. 261 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,880 I get in sometime in the morning, 262 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,000 two o'clock in the morning. 263 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,680 I make myself a bologna sandwich and I go upstairs to bed. 264 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,600 And about three or four in the morning, 265 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,320 I wake up with my heart trying to jump out of my chest. 266 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,560 You know, I can't breathe. 267 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,520 I set up, my sheets are red. 268 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,600 I get my feet on the floor and I'm disoriented. 269 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,240 And I'm looking across the room at the mirror 270 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,440 on the back of my dresser 271 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,440 and I could tell my face was messed up. 272 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:14,960 I knew something had happened to me. 273 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,840 So I walked over to the mirror 274 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,040 to get a better look at myself. 275 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:18,920 And when I got there, 276 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,360 that bologna sandwich was stuck to my face. 277 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,560 Now let's review. 278 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,200 16, I sneak out of the house. 279 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,320 I smoke a joint with a guy that I'd never met before. 280 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:29,840 I catch myself on fire. 281 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,800 I get drunk on wine and I wake up with a bologna sandwich 282 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,000 stuck to my face. 283 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,920 You would think, but after an experience like that, 284 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:37,920 that you wouldn't repeat it. 285 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,520 You know, I'm done with this stuff, 286 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,000 but I could not wait to do it again. 287 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,320 It was my life after that. 288 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:47,040 You know, I would go on to do things that I'm not proud of. 289 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:51,040 You know, I would steal things from my grandparents. 290 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,680 I snuck into her house one time, 291 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:58,200 took like 45 of her quaaludes. 292 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,480 I steal things from them. 293 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,160 I took a ring from them 294 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,520 that my grandfather gave my grandmother 295 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,880 and just, you know, horrible things. 296 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,680 You know, I started to get a reputation in that small town 297 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,880 and I called my dad and I asked him 298 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,400 if he would allow me to come and live with him. 299 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,280 And he said, come on. 300 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,400 At the time he had moved to Phoenix, Arizona 301 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,280 and my younger brother and I jumped on a Trailways bus 302 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,480 in Columbus, Ohio, 303 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:25,480 and we rode it for three and a half days to Phoenix, Arizona. 304 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:26,800 What a trip that was, man. 305 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,360 That was a growing experience. 306 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,760 If you've never ridden a Trailways bus across country, 307 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,240 I'd advise you not to. 308 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,240 It's not a very pleasant experience. 309 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,520 I get to Phoenix and I have this firm resolution 310 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,120 that I'm gonna change my life. 311 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,680 And I've got hair down to the middle of my back 312 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,640 and I wear nothing but concert t-shirts. 313 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,160 You know, I just, I look smoked out, you know, 314 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,280 and I cut my hair short like it is now 315 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:52,800 and I get these button-down shirts 316 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,160 and I start my senior year of high school 317 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,960 in Phoenix, Arizona with a resolution to change my life. 318 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,200 I mean, nobody knows me. 319 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,520 I'll just reinvent myself. 320 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,040 I'm 3000 miles away from anybody who knows me. 321 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,240 I'm at that school maybe two weeks 322 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,200 and I'm in the parking lot with the same people 323 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,360 I left in Ohio. 324 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:12,240 We're doing the same things, getting the same results. 325 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,320 I get pulled over for drinking and driving twice in a row, 326 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,840 like back to back. 327 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:20,080 My stepmom was a police officer for the Phoenix police. 328 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,440 So they would drive me home in the eighties 329 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,280 and knock on the door and my dad and stepmom 330 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,440 would answer the door and I'd get the lecture 331 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:28,640 about what I was doing. 332 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,440 They'd bring me in and tell me 333 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,840 how my potential is being wasted 334 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,400 and why can't you pull it together? 335 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:39,440 You know, and I had deceiving resentment against my father. 336 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:40,840 You know, it was horrible 337 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,640 what I was experiencing that time. 338 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,160 And I knew I needed to get out of there. 339 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,640 I went down and took the ASVAB test, 340 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,880 which is an aptitude test to get into the military. 341 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,320 I scored high mechanically. 342 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,120 So the air force took me. 343 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,840 And before you know it, I was gone in basic training. 344 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,080 I got out of basic training and was sent to Texas 345 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,320 where I was to learn all the system components 346 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,960 of jet aircraft. 347 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,800 And man, the air force did nothing 348 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,040 but teach me how to drink. 349 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,720 We drank every day. 350 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,040 As a matter of fact, when I was in the military, 351 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,640 they had vending machines that you could buy a beer 352 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:13,800 out of the dormitory 353 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,480 and it would refuse to give us a beer one night. 354 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,600 So we threw it out of the second story window 355 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,560 and ruined beer vending machines in the dormitories 356 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:24,760 for the rest of everybody who would enter the military. 357 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:25,600 Sorry about that. 358 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,960 I graduated the school that I was in, 359 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,520 the technical school that I was in, 360 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,560 and they were handing out orders. 361 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,960 And one guy had gotten orders to go to upstate New York 362 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,840 and I had gotten orders to go, 363 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,040 or he had gotten orders to go to Germany 364 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,440 and I had gotten orders to go to upstate New York. 365 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,560 The guy started crying 366 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,080 because he didn't want to go overseas. 367 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,920 And I said, I'll go to Germany. 368 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,240 So he handed me his orders and I handed him my orders. 369 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,080 And it said that I had 30 days leave 370 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,360 before I had to fly out to go to Germany. 371 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:58,040 So I went back to Phoenix, Arizona 372 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,160 and I made it about three blocks away from my family's home. 373 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,720 And I met some people that I knew 374 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,680 and started partying and drinking 375 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,880 and I stayed drunk for 30 days. 376 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,480 I barely made it to the airport to fly overseas to Germany. 377 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,480 What a long, miserable flight that was. 378 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,280 When I got off and I got to the barracks, 379 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,680 there was a note for me to go see the commanding officer. 380 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,880 And I went down there the next morning, knocked on his door. 381 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,560 He invited me in and he looked at me, he says, 382 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:22,400 "Where have you been?" 383 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:23,640 And I said, "I was in Phoenix." 384 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,520 And he says, "Didn't you go home?" 385 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:26,720 And I said, "I didn't make it." 386 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:27,920 And he gave me a look, 387 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,840 a look that would come back to me 388 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,720 over and over from that point. 389 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:32,640 But he looked at me, he says, 390 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:33,760 "What do you mean you didn't make it?" 391 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:34,720 I said, "I didn't make it." 392 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,200 He says, "Look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, 393 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,000 but your grandfather called here 394 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,760 looking for you a couple of times. 395 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,240 He was in the hospital. 396 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,000 I'm sorry to tell you that your grandfather's passed away." 397 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,240 Now, this was the guy, man, the one guy who loved me, 398 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,080 who came and picked me up, who had my back. 399 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,880 If my life was falling apart 400 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,440 and I needed to call one person, it would have been him. 401 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,880 And I had a moment where I saw, 402 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,560 it had been so long since I'd picked up the phone 403 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,040 to even tell him what was going on in my life, 404 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,760 or to let him know that I was thinking of him. 405 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,720 I was so self-obsessed. 406 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,880 I couldn't hear anything this guy was telling me 407 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:09,800 from that point on. 408 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,720 I got out of his office and I went to the nearest bar 409 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,880 because if you're anything like me, 410 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,800 those emotions are very hard for me to process. 411 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,680 And the only thing that made it go away from me 412 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,240 was a good stiff drink. 413 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,880 I could take that drink and breathe, you know, 414 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,720 and tell myself it's gonna be okay. 415 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,160 Alcohol worked for me every time like that. 416 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,240 And the problem is I got two problems with alcohol. 417 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,960 I got this one problem that when I take a drink of alcohol, 418 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,560 something happens to me that's bodily 419 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,880 and mentally different from a normal person. 420 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:44,160 I take a drink of alcohol and my body and my mind 421 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,360 demand that I have another drink of alcohol. 422 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,440 And I'm the guy sitting at the bar with my friends 423 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,360 saying they want to get out of there 424 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,240 and I want to get up and leave with them, 425 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,560 but I know I need another drink. 426 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,040 And I'm telling them just one more 427 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,160 and we'll get out of here. 428 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,640 Just one more and we'll leave. 429 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,480 And I one more and I one more and I one more 430 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,960 until I wake up someplace I have no idea who I'm with 431 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,080 or how I got there. 432 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,600 And I got to run down to the nearest intersection, 433 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,920 find out where I'm at and call someone to come get me 434 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,720 and drive around and look for my car. 435 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,720 And that's repeated over and over and over in my life. 436 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,640 The second problem I have with alcohol 437 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,080 is when you take it away from me. 438 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,800 When you take alcohol away from me, 439 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,640 it's just a matter of days before I become so irritable, 440 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,400 restless and discontent. 441 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,040 I'm coming out of my skin. 442 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,800 Just the sound of you breathing makes me want to choke you. 443 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,040 I can't deal with it. 444 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,120 And the only thing that makes that go away 445 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,280 is a good stiff drink. 446 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,040 It works every time, but I'm bodily and mentally different. 447 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,120 And I take that drink and it takes a drink 448 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,080 and I wake up someplace I have no idea how I got there. 449 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,240 That's the story of my alcoholism in a nutshell. 450 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:47,640 That's the story of my life drinking. 451 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,480 It's a complete torturous hell. 452 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:53,280 And by the time I'm done in Germany, I'm drinking alone. 453 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,360 I'm pissing my bed a couple nights a week. 454 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,680 I'd get up out of that bed and flip the mattress 455 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:01,240 and I'd go into the bathroom and pull the wet underwear off 456 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,360 and stuck them back in this covey hole 457 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,080 where nobody could find them. 458 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,520 And on the way out, I'd open up the freezer 459 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,320 on the refrigerator and I'd pull a bottle of tequila add up 460 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,000 and chug on it and throw it up and chug on it 461 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,520 just to get it to go down enough 462 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,760 to where I could go to sleep for a few minutes. 463 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,160 And then I'd get that knock at the door. 464 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,560 It was my boss coming to pick me up to take me to work 465 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,280 because they knew that I wasn't gonna show up 466 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:24,360 unless they came and got me. 467 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,320 People liked me. 468 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,560 I was likable enough. 469 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,240 I did a good job when I was there. 470 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,480 I just couldn't stop drinking. 471 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,960 My life was completely out of control with alcohol. 472 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,040 I had another moment of clarity around the holidays 473 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,920 when I was in a class six store. 474 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,480 And when you're overseas, they give you a ration card 475 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:43,000 so that you can buy things like tobacco and alcohol 476 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,360 and sugar, things that you could sell in the black market. 477 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,520 You can buy them pretty cheap. 478 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,400 And I'm standing in line holding this bottle of booze 479 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,240 and this lady pulls up with her grocery cart behind me 480 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:53,720 and it's full of booze. 481 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:57,400 And I get a look at her and her hair was shiny. 482 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,160 Her eyes were clear and bright. 483 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,280 She smelled like a flower. 484 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,640 Her clothes were beautifully pressed. 485 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,320 And I had a moment looking at myself. 486 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,920 I'm standing in a uniform that I'd been in for three days. 487 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,640 My boots hadn't been shined. 488 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:10,920 My fingers are grubby. 489 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,560 I'm clutching that bottle. 490 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:13,800 And the guy says, "Next." 491 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,560 And I hand him this ration card 492 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,400 that had been in and out of my wallet so many times. 493 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,040 It looked like a fragile old document. 494 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,200 You know, it was just barely hanging together. 495 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,640 And he looks at it and studies it. 496 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,840 And he says, "There's no place to mark on this card. 497 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,000 I can't sell you that." 498 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,160 And I said, "Just please put a mark in next month." 499 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,200 And he gave me that look. 500 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:33,920 You know, that disgusted look. 501 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,040 And I bought it and I ran outside and pulled the bottle 502 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,360 and chugged on it until I could make myself feel okay. 503 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:41,960 Like I was going to be all right 504 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,800 and slunk my head and go back to my room. 505 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,520 That's a horrible way to live. 506 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,920 You know, I had my neighboring roommate. 507 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,960 It was his birthday and he wanted to go out. 508 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,400 And so we went out to this place in Mordlautern, Germany 509 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,080 and we drank till the place closed. 510 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,000 And on the way back to the barracks, 511 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,560 it had rained earlier that day. 512 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,800 And as I'm driving like around this curve leaving town, 513 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,720 like the tires broke on the asphalt 514 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,600 and started to slide across the center lane of the road. 515 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,200 And there was this iron gate that was cocked open 516 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,200 that kind of gave access to the back of someone's house 517 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,760 where they would store their car. 518 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:18,000 And I hit that gate straight on 519 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,120 and it slung me back out into the road 520 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,120 and my passenger door comes caving in, 521 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,080 the top comes crushing down. 522 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,320 We spin around, a car comes to a stop 523 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,440 and I'm looking at my roommate. 524 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,520 He's bleeding and holding his ribs 525 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,400 and I'm asking him, "Are you okay?" 526 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,280 And he says, "Yes, see about the guy on the bicycle." 527 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:35,520 And I said, "Are you all right?" 528 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,000 And he says, "Yes, see about the guy on the bicycle." 529 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,720 And I looked out the driver's door window 530 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:40,760 and in the middle of the roads, 531 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,080 this crumpled bicycle in this man's body. 532 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,720 And I ran over to him trying to give him CPR. 533 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,720 It was clear that he had died. 534 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,320 His neck had broke the minute he hit the top of my car. 535 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:51,640 His name was Carl Bega. 536 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,320 He was 53 years old. 537 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,480 He was driving drunk on his bicycle 538 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,520 down the middle of the road, wearing a black suit. 539 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,040 He was known as the town drunk. 540 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:02,040 I was, they took blood out of my arm that night. 541 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,560 The next morning, I get a knock at the door. 542 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,640 It's the commanding officer and the first sergeant. 543 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,680 And they said, "You were drinking last night." 544 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:09,520 I said, "Yes, sir." 545 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:10,800 He says, "Are you where there's an accident?" 546 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:11,640 I said, "Yes, sir." 547 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:12,560 He says, "A man died." 548 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:13,840 I said, "I am aware." 549 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,360 He said, "How much did you have to drink?" 550 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:16,480 And I said, "I had a couple." 551 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,880 That was my standard answer, man. 552 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,400 That's been passed down generation after generation 553 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,240 in my family. 554 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,640 I had a couple, I had a few. 555 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,600 They said, "Well, your blood alcohol is 0.35." 556 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:25,680 I said, "That's impossible." 557 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:26,560 They said, "That's what we think. 558 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,040 You're talking to us like you're normal, don't worry. 559 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,040 We're gonna run this test again. 560 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,120 We'll get it right. 561 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:31,960 We'll take care of it." 562 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:32,800 I said, "Okay." 563 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,600 A few hours later, they come back with this time 564 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,080 with an armed SP. 565 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,160 They put me in handcuffs. 566 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:41,120 They take me to the barracks, the jail on base. 567 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,000 They throw me in this cell. 568 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,120 And I don't remember much of the next three days 569 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,720 other than coming out of my skin 570 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,760 and the things that I've said and did. 571 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,280 Three days later, I come to in the middle of me 572 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,920 and there's no more song I can play for you 573 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,520 to get out of what's happened. 574 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,440 I've got nothing to offer. 575 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:58,680 I get court-martialed. 576 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,880 I'm given a felony conviction for manslaughter, 577 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,480 a dishonorable discharge, 578 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,640 and sentenced to prison in Mannheim Prison 579 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,640 where they strip search me three times a day 580 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,320 for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 581 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,480 And four, if I wanna go to the yard or to the library. 582 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,640 And I remember laying in that jail cell crying at night 583 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,640 because I don't belong in this place. 584 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,080 I'm not like these people. 585 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,240 I had an accident. 586 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,120 Do you people know what an accident is? 587 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:22,360 This was my attitude. 588 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,920 And the longer that I was in that prison, 589 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,840 the more I came to realize that almost everybody in there 590 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:27,840 was just like me. 591 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,440 There were people who drank too much or used drugs, 592 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,480 did something stupid that wound up putting them in prison. 593 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,360 There were some bad people in there as well. 594 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,360 But I started writing letters to a four-star general 595 00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,160 that I very peripherally knew. 596 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,480 And he sent me to, 597 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,080 after being there a little over a year, 598 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,600 he sent me to Denver, Colorado 599 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,720 to the 3320th Correction Rehabilitation Squadron 600 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,160 where there were seven beds 601 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,200 that were all doctors, attorneys, and me. 602 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,800 And I had individual counseling with a therapist every day 603 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,200 and group therapy with six other men every day. 604 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,320 And I told him how my dad came home every day at five o'clock 605 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,640 and we had dinner together. 606 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,360 And on the weekend, we'd go to picnics. 607 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,800 I blew a smoke screen up their ass. 608 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:11,400 I just needed people to see other than who I was. 609 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,920 Because if you knew who I was, 610 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,040 you would not want anything to do with me. 611 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:16,520 You'd take me right back to Germany, 612 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:18,640 throw me in the cell and lock the door. 613 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,640 And they made me go to AA. 614 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,160 Can you believe that shit? 615 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,080 They made me go to AA once a week. 616 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,720 And I'm going into these meetings 617 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,320 and listening to you people talk about alcoholism 618 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,200 and pass the basket and talk about God. 619 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,680 I've been baptized in five different churches, man. 620 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,320 The hair on the back of my neck stood up. 621 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,760 I knew this was not gonna work for me. 622 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:39,760 I get kicked out of that hospital. 623 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,760 I lost my primary purpose. 624 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,240 And this girl that I'd met for five minutes 625 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,680 was from Las Vegas. 626 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,640 And I jumped in her car and went to Las Vegas with her. 627 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:50,480 I married her. 628 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,440 I knew her three weeks and married her. 629 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,680 That's where I met Tom. 630 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,280 And man, I must've been a vision for you. 631 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,920 I'm walking into Alcoholics Anonymous meetings late 632 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,560 so I don't have to introduce myself to you. 633 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,880 And I'm leaving early so I don't have to hold your hand. 634 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,960 And I'm contemplating chewing on the end of a pistol. 635 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:06,800 Can't live. 636 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,960 And we know what it's like when you can't take a drink, man. 637 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,680 I'm so irritable, restless, and discontent. 638 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:15,320 And I did the single greatest thing I ever did in my life 639 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,160 when I walked up to this cowboy named Eddie Kelsey 640 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,960 and I asked him to be my sponsor. 641 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,160 And Eddie started the relationship 642 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,920 that was probably one of the greatest relationships 643 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,080 I've ever had in my life. 644 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,400 He understood alcoholism and more importantly, 645 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,960 he understood the recovery process from alcoholism. 646 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,120 And he was willing to take the time to pass it on to me. 647 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,240 He would call me and I would just come unglued on him. 648 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:37,080 Just, you know, 649 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,400 I'm living in the Enchanted Garden Apartments, Eddie. 650 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,520 It's the lowest rent district there is in Las Vegas. 651 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,240 You know, the billboard outside said, 652 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,200 welcome to the Enchanted Garden Apartments 653 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,200 where your neighbors are friends for life. 654 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,600 And I was so sick of it, man. 655 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,000 I had one piece of furniture 656 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,840 that I pulled out of a Dipsy dumpster. 657 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,840 It was this foam thing that folded up like a couch. 658 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,840 And when it was a couch, you just kind of slide off of it, 659 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,640 you know, 'cause it's probably why it was in the trash. 660 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,120 And when you unfolded it, my legs hung off about three feet 661 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:06,920 because it was too short as a bed. 662 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,400 That's all I've got in there. 663 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,080 And I'm complaining and complaining to this cowboy. 664 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,240 He says things like, 665 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,280 I'm gonna be at your house at six o'clock in the morning, 666 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:15,280 be awake. 667 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,240 And he'd hang up. 668 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:17,480 Six o'clock in the morning, 669 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,640 I opened the door and there he is, shiny eyes. 670 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:22,600 He stood there, he says, are you gonna invite me in? 671 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,080 And I'm like, sure, come in. 672 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,240 There ain't nothing to see here. 673 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,320 He walks in and looks around that apartment. 674 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,160 And then he reached out 675 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,400 and he grabbed me by the back of the head 676 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,440 and he pulled me in and he said, Michael, I love you. 677 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,800 He said, come here, son. 678 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,200 And we went over and we got on our knees 679 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,960 at that piece of foam and he started to pray, 680 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,520 God, please help us set aside 681 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,160 everything we think we know about you. 682 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,480 God, please help us set aside 683 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,960 everything we think we know about AA, 684 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,840 everything we know about each other 685 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,640 so that we can have a new experience. 686 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,000 He starts to spoonfeed AA to me. 687 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:54,200 He starts to take me to all the meetings that he goes to. 688 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,520 He asked me to get a commitment 689 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,600 at every meeting that I attended. 690 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,440 And I start to do this AA waltz, right? 691 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:01,280 We all do it. 692 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,440 If we're lucky, we all stick and do it. 693 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,440 And what happened for me was I woke up 694 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,280 in the middle of sobriety. 695 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:11,040 I was about a year sober and I'm driving down Joe W. Brown, 696 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,480 which at the time paralleled the International Hilton. 697 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,880 And I started to cry so hard 698 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,240 that I had to pull my car over. 699 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,960 I was on my way to a 7 a.m. meeting, which my home group, 700 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,760 and the thought hit me that I was going there 701 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,800 anxious to see a newcomer who was there the day before 702 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,360 and hoping and praying that he was sober another day. 703 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,840 And it hit me so hard 704 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,200 that that thought didn't originate from me. 705 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,040 It never has originated from me. 706 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,920 There was something working in me, 707 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,840 a power greater than myself 708 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,000 that enabled me not to pick up a drink for almost a year. 709 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:42,040 My life changed. 710 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:43,320 You changed my life. 711 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,040 Eddie Kelsey changed my life. 712 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,800 Who would have thought that developing some type of faith 713 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,120 and a power greater than yourself 714 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:51,720 could allow you to go to work every day? 715 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,720 Or developing a faith and a power greater than yourself 716 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,360 could enable you to have relationships with people 717 00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:59,960 that lasted more than a day or a week. 718 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,920 Having faith and a power greater than yourself 719 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,720 could help you to pay your bills on time. 720 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,600 Having faith and a power greater than yourself 721 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,400 could actually help you keep from picking up those things 722 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,800 that destroy your life one day at a time. 723 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,400 That's what AA has given me. 724 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:16,760 It's given me a purpose. 725 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,560 It's given me a wealth of friends. 726 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,040 It's given me my family. 727 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:23,000 And it's been piecemeal for me. 728 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,120 It's like I was so desperate for God 729 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,680 to take away my alcoholism. 730 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:27,840 Man, was I desperate. 731 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,160 When I made that prayer, it was sincere and he did it. 732 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,000 He took it. 733 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,920 It's the other areas of my life that I've struggled with. 734 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:38,040 I'm 35 years sober and I'm still scratching the surface 735 00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:39,240 on certain areas of my life. 736 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,760 And what I've come to discover is I do these 10 yard dashes 737 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:43,840 in a nine yard room. 738 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:44,760 You know what I mean? 739 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:47,480 I do them over and over and over and over 740 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:49,160 in every area of my life. 741 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,880 And when I'm bloody enough and beat up enough, 742 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,800 I say that prayer with sincerity. 743 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,520 God, I'm ready for you to have this. 744 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,160 Please help me with my relationships. 745 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,200 Please take my daughter. 746 00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,520 Please help me with my job. 747 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:03,280 But every one of those surrenders comes at a price, 748 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:07,280 because I've got this self-will that's so stuck on me. 749 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,080 I think that I can manage well. 750 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:09,960 And I can't. 751 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,280 And it's only in those moments that I become willing, 752 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,640 like the drowning needs a breath of air, 753 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:15,720 that I'm able to turn it over 754 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,520 to a power greater than myself. 755 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,840 And I can do that one day at a time. 756 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,360 And that knowledge comes slow for me. 757 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,160 But when it does, it's profound. 758 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,400 That day that I was driving down Joe W. Brown 759 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:27,600 and I started to cry, 760 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,040 I've had many of those experiences in sobriety. 761 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:32,160 A spiritual way life has to be lived. 762 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,200 It can't be something that I did yesterday 763 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:36,200 and I think it's gonna carry me through today. 764 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,440 I can remember one of the guys on the meeting here 765 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:41,320 called me one day crying and I was taken aback. 766 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:42,240 I said, "Are you all right?" 767 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:43,280 And he said, "Yeah." 768 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:44,320 I said, "What's going on?" 769 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,640 He said, "I'm standing in line at a grocery store 770 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:47,680 buying flowers." 771 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:48,960 And he starts to laugh at himself. 772 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,640 And I said, "What's going on?" 773 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,560 He's like, "Someone's cooking dinner for me. 774 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:56,240 And I had the wherewithal to stop them buy flowers." 775 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:57,200 And he starts crying. 776 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,600 And he says, "I just wanna thank you for being in my life 777 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,520 and helping me think like this 778 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,000 and live a spiritual way of life." 779 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,640 And I said, "Listen to me, pal. 780 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:05,680 This is really important." 781 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,200 I said, "The next time somebody walks 782 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:08,680 into the Alcoholics Anonymous Noom 783 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,160 and he can't show the world anything 784 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:12,600 but his fear and his anger and his resentment 785 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,360 and his self-loathing, walk up to him 786 00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:16,760 and tell him that one of the greatest moments of your life 787 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,720 is gonna be standing in line at a grocery store 788 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:19,640 buying flowers. 789 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:21,480 He'll look at you like you got three heads. 790 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:23,200 You're living a spiritual way of life, 791 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:24,760 which is all we're guaranteed. 792 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,200 If we do what Alcoholics Anonymous tells us, 793 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,200 we will live presently in a spiritual way of life. 794 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,160 And if I can remain right here, right there, 795 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:36,280 not in morbid reflection of yesterday or fear of tomorrow, 796 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,240 to stay right here and invite God right into this moment, 797 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:40,960 I live in a wonderful world. 798 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,000 I have great relationships 799 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,960 and I have the ability to act on a faith 800 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:47,400 that's hard for me to do. 801 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:49,120 I'll say this and shut up. 802 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:50,640 There's a guy who was standing at the edge 803 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,600 of the Grand Canyon overlooking the majesty of it all. 804 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,360 He was a man of faith. 805 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,760 And as he's standing there, the rock breaks. 806 00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:59,760 It's thousands of feet to the bottom of the canyon. 807 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:00,600 He's gonna die. 808 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,320 And this lone branch sticking out 809 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:03,600 of the side of the mountain, 810 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,960 this guy hits it and he's hanging there 811 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,080 for dear life, being a man of faith. 812 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,040 He says, "God, please help me." 813 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,560 And a voice from this guy said, "Do you believe?" 814 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:14,320 And the guy said, "Yes, God, I believe." 815 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:15,960 The voice said, "Do you believe?" 816 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,720 And the guy said, "Yes, God, I believe." 817 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,880 The voice said, "Let go of the branch." 818 00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:21,640 The guy hangs there a few minutes and says, 819 00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:23,000 "Is there anybody else up there?" 820 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:24,160 That's my faith. 821 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:25,800 You know, I need you. 822 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:30,600 I need you desperately today, 35 years into this program. 823 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:34,040 I need you more today than I ever have 824 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,400 because you're God with skin on it. 825 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,560 And I love you. 826 00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:40,680 I appreciate you all for being here tonight. 827 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:42,440 I thank you for thanking me to be here 828 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,280 to share my experience, strength and hope. 829 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,960 And I hope that somebody here heard something tonight 830 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:49,320 that makes them want to come back to another AA meeting. 831 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:50,160 Thank you. 832 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:51,000 - Following the Beatles. 833 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:53,120 (laughing) 834 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:54,000 - Thank you, guys. 835 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,320 What a great group you have. 836 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:56,160 Thank you. 837 00:29:56,160 --> 00:30:00,480 You know, I still attend the Sunday meeting of the group. 838 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:01,880 - Such is. 839 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,840 Nolan has all the information for it. 840 00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:05,680 It is.