1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000
 Can you do my, my name is Tara, I'm an alcoholic.

2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,000
 Hi Josh.

3
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:09,000
 My coffee is very strong, can you hear it?

4
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,000
 Okay.

5
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,000
 It's like a little weird here tonight.

6
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,000
 All right, so I'm Tara, an alcoholic.

7
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,000
 I'm a Friday date of 11/30 of 2001.

8
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,000
 I have a Spencer, my name is Daphne, I'm a filmmaker.

9
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,000
 I'm a singer, I'm a singer.

10
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,000
 I love music.

11
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:26,000
 And I want to thank Scott for asking me.

12
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:30,000
 One thing, thank you for your lead, Sean for your lead.

13
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:35,000
 I want to welcome those who identified as being new to the group or to Alcoholics Anonymous.

14
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,000
 I hope that you stay.

15
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,000
 I hope that you have found what we have found here at the ampoule.

16
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,000
 I want to thank Jenna for coming with me, my girl.

17
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:45,000
 She was my, she was my shotgun rider tonight in Orange County.

18
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:53,000
 And my dad told me a long time ago, if you want to sum up service in Alcoholics Anonymous, you can do so in four words and that's get in the car.

19
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,000
 And they'd be like, come on Tara, just get in the car.

20
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,000
 And I wouldn't even know where I was going.

21
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,000
 I'm like, we're going to Reseda.

22
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,000
 She's like, where's Reseda?

23
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,000
 I'm like, I don't know, let's look at the map, you know.

24
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,000
 And she was like, oh, it's next to Calabasas.

25
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,000
 It's probably Bougie.

26
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,000
 I'm like, nah, we're fine, we're going.

27
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:13,000
 But we were pleasantly surprised when we walked in.

28
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:17,000
 We're like, yay, we came here.

29
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:20,000
 Anyhow, I want to tell you that I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

30
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:26,000
 That's the truest thing that I'll say here tonight is that I'm absolutely just smitten with this program.

31
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:32,000
 Like I have a huge crush on AA and I just, I love what happens in these rooms.

32
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:37,000
 I love watching the lights come on in those around me and the families we've created.

33
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:42,000
 And, you know, it's just, it's just incredible, right, what happens here in Alcoholics Anonymous.

34
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:46,000
 And I'm going to tell you tonight in a general way what it was like, what happened and what it's like now.

35
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:53,000
 And what it was like is I grew up in a city in Orange County by the name of Santa Ana.

36
00:01:53,000 --> 00:02:01,000
 And for those of you that don't know about Santa Ana, I encourage you never to become acquainted with Santa Ana.

37
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,000
 I don't even know how Santa Ana made it into Orange County.

38
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,000
 I think it was like a deal with L.A. County.

39
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,000
 They're like, we have enough stuff going on.

40
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,000
 You guys got to take Santa Ana, right?

41
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,000
 And you got to have both kids, too.

42
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:16,000
 But it comes from a long line of alcoholics. My dad was alcoholic.

43
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,000
 His dad was alcoholic. I'm German, Irish and Italian.

44
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,000
 So I like to drink and I like to fight and have a really bad temper.

45
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:27,000
 Our stories are very similar, minus the whole snowboarding thing.

46
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,000
 I'm like literally the most uncoordinated person around.

47
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,000
 People are like, "Would you want to ask me?"

48
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:35,000
 I'm like, "Oh, no, my kids begged me not to run in public."

49
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:39,000
 They're like, "You look like a giraffe with cerebral palsy."

50
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:44,000
 So yeah, I like how you describe that feeling.

51
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:49,000
 I was just chronically ill at ease and maladjusted from the gate, right?

52
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:53,000
 Like from birth. I just had these really big emotions always.

53
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,000
 I never really knew how to manage them. I felt very deeply.

54
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,000
 I was very passionate. I say passionate because I like how it sounds to other people.

55
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,000
 It's so crazy. They're like, "She's crazy."

56
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,000
 I'm like, "No, it's passionate."

57
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:11,000
 I have an older sister who works for the Garden Grove Police Department.

58
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:15,000
 I have a younger brother who right out of high school did a tour of duty in Iraq.

59
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,000
 They both are genius caliber students, like 4.0 students.

60
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:23,000
 They double majored in economics and political science, you know what I mean?

61
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:26,000
 Just a stellar human being all the way around.

62
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:30,000
 I have three kids of my own and if my kids turned out to be like my siblings,

63
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,000
 I would have considered myself to be a successful parent.

64
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,000
 They're just good people and then there's me.

65
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:40,000
 I'm a carbon copy of my alcoholic father.

66
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:44,000
 I grew up on the street where all the kids my age were boys.

67
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:49,000
 I grew up a tomboy and those boys taught me how to drink, cuss, and fight,

68
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,000
 and stick my thumb through a Budweiser beer can and shotgun a beer,

69
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,000
 and how to make a pipe out of an apple.

70
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,000
 Like important stuff, you know?

71
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,000
 I do remember the first time I took a drink I was 13 years old

72
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,000
 and it was with the boys on the street and it was at Stacey Parsons' house.

73
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:09,000
 When Stacey Parsons came from a house where a single mom was at work

74
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,000
 and we drank there and we drank and we fell down and I had fun

75
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:16,000
 and we broke stuff and I laughed and it was a blast.

76
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,000
 And what truly happened that day is I finally felt okay.

77
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,000
 Like for the first time that I could recall I finally felt okay.

78
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,000
 The playing field was level.

79
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:30,000
 I felt like what any normal person feels on any given Wednesday, right?

80
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,000
 It was just I no longer cared about what you thought about me.

81
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:37,000
 Like it was just I finally found that ease and comfort

82
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,000
 that comes at once by taking that drink.

83
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,000
 For me it just progressed really rapidly.

84
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,000
 I never drank in moderation.

85
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,000
 I never tried to.

86
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,000
 I never wanted to.

87
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,000
 Like I hate the feeling of buzz.

88
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,000
 It's irritating.

89
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,000
 Like even talking about it irritates me today.

90
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,000
 Like I don't ever want to be slightly intoxicated.

91
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,000
 I don't understand the point.

92
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,000
 It's like it's like bad sex really.

93
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,000
 It's like I don't I mean like if that's all you got, I'll take it.

94
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,000
 But like that's not what I want ever, you know?

95
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,000
 And it was always for total oblivion, right?

96
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,000
 It was always for complete annihilation.

97
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,000
 And it just progressed really rapidly for me.

98
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:19,000
 I too did, you know, copious amounts of narcotics.

99
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,000
 And here's the thing.

100
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,000
 Like I said, I love alcohol economists.

101
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:25,000
 And had I known, right, at 13 years of age

102
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,000
 when that marijuana cigarette was handed to me

103
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,000
 that I'd be speaking from the quality of life meeting in Reseda,

104
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,000
 30 years later, I would have politely declined.

105
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,000
 I'd have been like, no, I need to maintain a signal of purpose

106
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,000
 and alcohol as anonymous.

107
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,000
 But I could not foresee that, right?

108
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,000
 And so I was like, yes, I would like that.

109
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,000
 And that was my response.

110
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,000
 There was never a substance presented to me in my life

111
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,000
 where I was like, oh, no, I just don't think I could.

112
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,000
 I was like, yes, absolutely.

113
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,000
 Do you want that?

114
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,000
 For sure I want that.

115
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,000
 There was never that precautionary measure

116
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,000
 that perhaps the normal person displays in those instances

117
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,000
 where they're like, what is it?

118
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,000
 You know?

119
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,000
 I didn't care.

120
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,000
 And so just it progressed really rapidly for me.

121
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:09,000
 And I became physically dependent on alcohol and drugs.

122
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,000
 And by the time I was 15, I had a fake ID.

123
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,000
 And my name was Lisa Simpson.

124
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,000
 Yeah.

125
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,000
 And in the book, I like when Bill talks about like I had a ride.

126
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,000
 Right?

127
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,000
 Like that was it.

128
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,000
 When I got that fake ID and I was going to bars and nightclubs

129
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:28,000
 and I found this group of people that like in this punk rock scene

130
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:32,000
 who like hated the same way I hated probably the same way you hated.

131
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,000
 We just hated the thing to do.

132
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,000
 I don't know.

133
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,000
 The thing to do.

134
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:40,000
 Like I have a propensity towards violence and a huge problem with anger.

135
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:44,000
 And I would -- I'll just give you a brief synopsis

136
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:48,000
 of like what an average night of drinking with Tara was like.

137
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:53,000
 And it would be showing up to the Dybeus Dive Bar in Costa Mesa.

138
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:57,000
 And I would show up already drunk because we called that pre-gaming.

139
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:01,000
 And because I wasn't going to spend my money on narcotics inside the bar,

140
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,000
 I allocated for, you know, my funds.

141
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,000
 I was budgeting, you know.

142
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,000
 And so I'd be drunk by the time I got there.

143
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,000
 I'd be with some random dude.

144
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:13,000
 And the guy at the -- the bouncer at the bar, his name was Paul Taylor.

145
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,000
 And he would give me a pep talk when I arrived.

146
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,000
 Right?

147
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,000
 Like there might be something to take a look at when you're 15 years old.

148
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,000
 Your name is Lisa Simpson.

149
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,000
 And Paul Taylor is giving you a pep talk, right,

150
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,000
 at the Grimiest Dive Bar in Costa Mesa about how to behave.

151
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,000
 Right?

152
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,000
 And so he's like, "Tara, can you just make it through to the headlining ban

153
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,000
 before I have to drag you out in a headlock?

154
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,000
 Can you just maintain?"

155
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,000
 You know?

156
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,000
 And I was like, "Whatever do you mean?"

157
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,000
 You know?

158
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,000
 And so I have this problem when I drink and it's called my mouth.

159
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,000
 I'm the girl at the bar and I'm like, "You got something to say to me?

160
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,000
 You're going to say it to him."

161
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,000
 The whole bar wants to beat you up.

162
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:50,000
 I'm drug out in headlock again and I have the signature move.

163
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:55,000
 And it's -- I like to jump out of the vehicle after the bar is closed.

164
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,000
 Right?

165
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,000
 It's just like people like us and the cops out.

166
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,000
 That's it.

167
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,000
 That's the only people that are out at that hour.

168
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,000
 And I like to jump out of the vehicle, fight with the dude,

169
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:07,000
 and like rip the windshield wipers off and smash the windshield and, you know,

170
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,000
 just real like delightful type of things like that.

171
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,000
 I love what the book talks about.

172
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,000
 Like I'm a very unlovely creature in my cuffs.

173
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,000
 And he's like, "Get back in the car."

174
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,000
 And I'm like -- now I'm in the middle of the intersection.

175
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,000
 And he's like, "Get back in the car.

176
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,000
 I'm on parole.

177
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,000
 I'm going to get back to prison."

178
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,000
 I'm like, "Go, bye, go."

179
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,000
 You know?

180
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,000
 I've already been talking to your homeboy for three weeks.

181
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,000
 Go.

182
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,000
 And that's my dating demographic.

183
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,000
 I date convicts.

184
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,000
 It's like a revolving door, right?

185
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,000
 When this one's coming out, this one's going back.

186
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,000
 It's really convenient.

187
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,000
 You know?

188
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,000
 It's convenient.

189
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,000
 And I hang out outside the parole department in Santa Ana.

190
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,000
 It's like a hometown buffet.

191
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,000
 That's what it was like.

192
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,000
 That's exactly what it was like.

193
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,000
 And it just progressed really rapidly.

194
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,000
 And I ended up on the streets, on the boulevard.

195
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:56,000
 There was nothing that I wouldn't do for that next drink.

196
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,000
 Nothing at all.

197
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,000
 And I devastated the lives of everybody that came in contact with me.

198
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:04,000
 My loving parents, they were woken up by little firearms to their head

199
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,000
 because they were looking for me out there.

200
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,000
 The sheriff's department in Orange County

201
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:10,000
 kicked open the door on two separate occasions

202
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:29,000
 Because I'm a nightmare. That's why. And I don't generally show up for court. But moreover, I was in hotels, I was selling drugs, I loved the criminality of it all, and running around with guns and drugs and lots of hymns.

203
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:41,000
 And I was dying, is the truth of the matter. I was drinking, and I was drinking, and I was dying, and I was dying, and I couldn't stop, and I couldn't stop, and I couldn't stop. And I came to a place where the strongest desire to solve was absolutely no.

204
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:49,000
 And I remember in the end, I would just pray, "God, please just kill me in my sleep so I don't have to wake up and live another single solitary day. Just leave."

205
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:54,000
 I just so desperately wanted it to stop, and I couldn't. I could not stop.

206
00:09:54,000 --> 00:10:15,000
 And the insanity of alcoholism is that when I was parked up—I wasn't a very smart criminal, by the way—but the insanity of the disease is that the next time I was parked up along a block wall with two hymns that I loved last week who were going to get what I owed them this week, I'd be like, "God, please just get me through this one. Just get me through this one now and then."

207
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:34,000
 And the first time I tried to get sober, I was 21, and I didn't obtain permanence right until I was 25. My first treatment center was in South Orange County, and it was at this place called Casa del Cerro. It was in like 1998, I think it was, and my dad had already had like 10 years in this program by that time, but his alcoholism looked much different than mine, right?

208
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:49,000
 And so he put me in contact with this dude, Jeff H., and he was my escrow, and he was the first person to talk to me about the disease of alcoholism, to tell me about my disease. And he had a message that held depth and weight, and I went into treatment, and I was broken.

209
00:10:49,000 --> 00:11:08,000
 I was very, very sick. I didn't sleep for like 30 days, like literally not even a minute, and the H&I panels would come in, and they talk about working the 12 steps and finding a higher power and helping still suffering alcoholic and going to meetings and, you know, all the things that you hear in meetings.

210
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:23,000
 And I think, wow, this program is really great, you know, for somebody like you who really needs it, you know what I mean? But like, what's it going to take for me? You know, because I just kind of, I just thought that I was like, I could do it on my own, I could do things differently.

211
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:33,000
 Like I was going to be successful where you people had failed, right? That was my ego. And I didn't finish my treatment there. This guy came in with tattoos on his face, and that was it, right?

212
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:45,000
 And he had a backpack and like a skateboard, you know, and I was done. And it was a really nice backpack though. Like it wasn't just, it was a nice backpack. But I don't know if it was a nice backpack.

213
00:11:45,000 --> 00:12:02,000
 So anyhow, so from there on, it was four years of just going in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out of alcoholics. It was just chronic as they come, never put together more than 45 days in that four year period.

214
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:20,000
 I picked up a lot of chips for more than 45 days, but never really had like more than 45 days. And I had had a lot of really horrific, tragic, heartbreaking experiences running the streets of Santa Ana, but by far the most painful times of my life was going in and out, in and out, in and out of alcoholics on this.

215
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:40,000
 Because what it would do is just reconfirm to me what I already knew it was you really are, you really are just a piece of you know what Tara, like you don't deserve to be sober here. I like I just felt like I was past the point of redemption, I was past the point of God's love, and that I was going to die cold and alone in an alley in Santa Ana.

216
00:12:40,000 --> 00:13:00,000
 And I, and again in Bill's story when he references like I knew it, and I welcomed the idea, right and I knew it, I knew it, everybody who knew me knew it, my parents were resigned to the fact that they'd be identifying my body one day, and I knew it, and I welcomed the idea, and I'm forever grateful for God's grace and mercy was better than how my story had to end.

217
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:16,000
 Because that should have, it should have happened that way. So just, I just kind of have this idea that like we have this preordained destiny right you're going to be a doctor and you're going to be a pilot, you're going to be a nurse I just like I just thought that like God had bounced that alcoholics hooker card off of my head.

218
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:45,000
 And he's like, that's what you get chit, like, you know what that, you know, see how you do. And, and, you know, that's not what happened, right, because of, because of you people I found my purpose, right, I found my purpose like I was never really good at anything, you know what I mean like I told you I'm like not athletically inclined, like my best art is like six figure battlefield you know I'm just not, I wasn't like super super I didn't have like any talents, necessarily, and you people showed me what my spiritual gift is and.

219
00:13:45,000 --> 00:14:00,000
 And today like, I really wanted to play the violin, but I couldn't. And today I know what that is and I have an endless capacity to love people and I guess I'll take the endless capacity to love right it would be cool to play the violin but I guess I'll take like that but anyhow.

220
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:21,000
 So I, what happened is after like just years of torment and torture. I was desperate, and I was beaten and I was broken, and I was so sick and tired, and I've met some fine people in these rooms, even though I couldn't stay for years at a time, very important in that statement

221
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:33,000
 is that I never worked for 12 steps during those four years the very first time that I worked at 12 steps in order with the sponsor that had a working knowledge of the big book of alcoholics honest I've been sober ever since so it could be some like weird freakish

222
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:49,000
 coincidence right like oh my god that's so weird like you work, you work the 12 steps in the 12 step recovery program and you stay sober like that's crazy. And, and it was crazy because that literally escaped me for years, and on Thanksgiving day of 2001 I called

223
00:14:49,000 --> 00:15:07,000
 another member of alcoholics anonymous up and he came and picked me up on the curb in Santa Ana, because that's where I frequently the curb, I hang out on the curb. I don't generally wear shoes I walk barefoot and I hang out on the curb, and actually, I wore a sheet for an entire year one time.

224
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:22,000
 I don't know why I just didn't get dressed for like a year, and it was an IV sheets I recall, and I would go like get alcohol in it just a sheet is weird time but anyhow, I called another member of alcoholics on my stuff and you can pick me up.

225
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:47,000
 It was like okay I'll take you to detox Kara but like you don't have anything on you right because I'm on parole, because that's what I call, and I was like offended that he would accuse a woman of such high moral fabric right like I such a thing like alcohol and detox like who does that right like me I do right like I that's what I do, and, and sure enough I had, you know, alcohol on me, and on my way to detox.

226
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:59,000
 I said this prayer to describe that I rejected, and I said, if you help me, dear God if you help me just the very last time I promise that I'll tell other people that you've done, and I went into detox and I drink, because I had to.

227
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:14,000
 And my last drink was at Stanton detox in the bathroom. And from there I went to a 90 day treatment center in the city of Fullerton, and it was no different from previous times, but I was just, I was given the gift of desperation and.

228
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:28,000
 And like I said, I was just alcohol like I love that book talks, it was like this rapacious predator bleeds me everything just just chewed me up and beat me so viciously that I was finally willing.

229
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,000
 That's what happened into a state of willingness.

230
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:44,000
 And I should thank God for that because from that willingness came action from that action came permanent recovery, and I got a sponsor when I was at that treatment center and her name was Lily, and what Lily brought to me was hope and emotional talking to her

231
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:55,000
 because that woman literally had the most profound impact on my life. She led me to God and alcohol and she told me to don't look for God, you just work the 12 steps and God's gonna find you.

232
00:16:55,000 --> 00:17:12,000
 And she told me that her role was to gently lead me to God, and nothing more. She wasn't gonna tell me who to sleep with, where to live, what to do. She was going to show me how to work through the 12 steps, have textbook recovery, and find a God that could solve my alcohol problem.

233
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:26,000
 It was like low bottom indigent recovery, which was perfect for me because I was low bottom indigent drunk, and they weren't, they didn't sugarcoat recovery, they're like, Tara, you need to work the steps or die. Those are your choices, right? You need to work the steps or die.

234
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:43,000
 And I couldn't die, I'd already tried that. And so I started out going through the work in the book with Lily and Lily told me it didn't matter where I had been, what I had done, who I had hurt, how many times I have tried this, that I had a chance here in Alcoholics Mountains to maintain permanent sobriety.

235
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:59,000
 And I was so grateful for that, you know, and she had me read the text at Promises where it talked about being safe and protected, and talked about being in a state of neutrality. That really hit me because it had been so long since I have felt safe and protected. And I wanted that, right? And I wanted that so desperately.

236
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:17,000
 I started working the 12 steps and Lily would come and translate that Latin written book into the language of the heart, you know, thank God for me that she didn't tell me read the first 164 pages to call me like she sat down and read the book with me and I'm grateful for that because I don't think I would have done it, you know, on my own otherwise.

237
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:32,000
 She got me involved very early on in a prayer regimen and morning ritual, very early on in meetings with the fellowship. She just really like paved the way for me here in Alcoholics Mountains, got me involved in service.

238
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:55,000
 I did this inventory process with her and I remember, like, I have like, I don't even know how many if I met you, I hated you like there was something that you had done to deviate from the set schedule and how you needed to treat Tara like I could treat you any which way, but like you definitely have to treat me in a certain form or fashion, or like you made it onto the list right you went into the hate bag.

239
00:18:55,000 --> 00:19:19,000
 And if you made it into the hate bag you never came out of the hate bag that's where you shall live and dwell for all of each other, right, it's like that, like you don't come back, you know, and, and so I have this ridiculously long inventory with Lily and at the end she was like Tara have you admitted anything and there's like that one thing where I was like, like I can't tell her this like what if I go back to jail and like like she tells the homegirls like what's going to happen to me you know and.

240
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:45,000
 And so I told Lily that thing and she was like Tara I've done that too and I was like, you sick bitch, you're just touching me, like how are you going to have fun for me, like, you should probably leave my sober living right now I'm so offended, you know, and, but what really truly happened that day is I began to trust another woman in alcoholics on this, and the beauty of that step is the most liberating thing that I had done, and the slate was clean.

241
00:19:45,000 --> 00:20:02,000
 After that right I no longer had to be that woman that was written down on those pages and frankly I never wanted to be, you know, but the drugs and the alcohol were dictating my every single move, the alcohol determined who I was going to be where I was going to go who I associated with how I conducted myself right, I don't really have a choice in the matter.

242
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:19,000
 So, I, I continued on in the work and, you know, I just I sit before you a demonstration of how God could change the human heart, nothing more, like I'm just a run of the mill drunk. I've done everything wrong and alcoholics anonymous and you could possibly imagine I kicked indoors at seven years sober.

243
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:33,000
 Right. I sponsored a woman who was like, excuse my language she was like bitch come get some and I was like, yes, I think I will, I will come and get some like I don't even know what some is but I'm coming for it.

244
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:51,000
 Today, I don't sponsor anymore but anyhow, I continued on in this work and I come from a good line of sponsorship, you know, and I started making amends, and I sat down with my mom and dad my dad has like double digit sobriety my mom has about the same time.

245
00:20:51,000 --> 00:21:09,000
 That's, I forgot that part like when I went to treatment for my first time it's because my mom started going to Allen right, and she came home with these absurd ideas. And she was like, I'm going to detach with love we can't watch you kill yourself and I was like, you need to not go back to those ever.

246
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:26,000
 Is what you need to do, right like what are you talking about I'm your daughter like who am I going to steal from it real. And, and so I sat down with my mom and dad, and my dad was a long time in the program he's like we don't want you to be sober.

247
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:41,000
 Hey, this is great, you know, this is great, and my mom had like an itemized invoice of everything I had ever done since birth, you know, I can go down on wood and I told Lily like Lily's like what are you going to do, and I'm like what do you mean they just want me to stay sober.

248
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:54,000
 She's like, Oh no. Oh no that's not what you're gonna do Tara, you know, and I made amends to them I paid them back I fixed the door I didn't fix the door the door was already fixed but like I made amends you know and I paid them back.

249
00:21:54,000 --> 00:22:04,000
 And, you know, I stole from them, everything that I could get my hands on out of their house. My dad sent me out a restraining order on the funny story I was like speaking from the meeting one night.

250
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:11,000
 I was like my parents had a restraining order on me and then after the meeting my dad was like, we really didn't we just told you that.

251
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:25,000
 It didn't stop me anyhow I just go through the window or whatever but anyhow, I started doing H&I work at one year sober I started general service at two years sober. I became the director of H&I Orange County, I became DCMC for the district.

252
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:40,000
 I mean all these things I was doing with my dad. The point is I was doing this with my dad right he was like showing me about service in AA, and I remember calling him at like nine months sober, and I was in sober living right and it was a very slow process for me like I didn't have

253
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:54,000
 a driver's license was 18 months over like did California was not playing with me, and I didn't have a car so I was like two years sober. I recall my dad like nine months, the girls in the sober living were like getting things, you know, I wasn't right I was not like they were getting

254
00:22:54,000 --> 00:23:01,000
 boyfriends like I couldn't get to talk to me. I was literally feral is what it was, I was barely housebroken.

255
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:17,000
 They're getting like cars and like bank accounts and things like that you know and, and the people women were like, Tara, don't leave before the miracle happened, don't leave before the miracle happens and I was like, and I remember calling my dad and I was like,

256
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:31,000
 you know what, like, where's mine right like where's my miracle what's the miracle, you know, because I'm primarily concerned with me, and he was like Tara do you want to know what the miracle is and alcoholics on this is, and I was like, Oh, okay, like he's gonna tell me some like

257
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:46,000
 Jedi secret or something, and he was like the miracle is that you've been afforded a couple of days in a row in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous to watch the miracle happen in the life of others, and I was like, I don't care about Gail and my sober

258
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:59,000
 living probably slams the drawers and the dresser in the morning specifically a piss me off. You know, I do not give a shit. You know what about Gail, you know, and I'm here to tell you that's the miracle of alcoholics on this is that I've been afforded a couple

259
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:13,000
 days in the groups watch the miracles happen like others, and because of this program. And you know find people like you I was able to my dad and I were just like best friends we were doing this program for years we're going to Chino State Prison we're going

260
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:25,000
 to St. Louis State Prison we're going into Orange County Jail we're doing like psych units and Norwalk and all these places were just like thick as thieves together like peas and carrots in the rooms, you know, and he became very ill.

261
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:41,000
 A nine years ago next month, and he got cancer, and you people taught me how to act better than I feel, and you people taught me how to trade my feet and you people taught me how to show up, and I would go over there every day on my lunch from this big girl job

262
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:55,000
 that I got at a law firm and, and I would show up there and beauty of this program is that when he took his last breath, I was there with them and there was nothing left unsaid, I mean I don't even get emotional about it because it was so beautiful

263
00:24:55,000 --> 00:25:02,000
 there was nothing left unsaid. There was nothing like, oh I wish I could have been this or I wish I would have been that I wish I was a different daughter I wish things could have been different.

264
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:15,000
 It was so beautiful and so divine that what this program had done for our family, you know what this program had done for our family, and if I lived two lifetimes over I would not be able to repay the debt that I had to alcoholics and artists for those types

265
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:31,000
 of moments right for those types of things, and, and that's just like one of them, you know, well it's like today is, I have these, I have this big, bad, beautiful, amazing life that never ever ever should have been afforded to me, ever, ever, you know,

266
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:47,000
 I have this so trippy like the career I have is so there's just no way that you could look at this like alcoholic hooker from Santa Ana, and look at the woman that I am today and deny that God had to have this kind of next I should not have the life that I have

267
00:25:47,000 --> 00:26:01,000
 today. I absolutely shouldn't, because of, but because of this beautiful program like find people like you strong sponsorship, and more than anything else like God, God's tender mercy and his grace.

268
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:16,000
 I have this incredible life you know and it's so full. I've got too many. I've got too many commitments. I've got too many sponsors, not your God, you know too many meetings are too many kids I got too many men I got too much, you know, my life is full.

269
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:30,000
 And, and I love it, I love it so much you know, I have these three beautiful children that have never seen me drunk or loaded, and it's an absolute gift that my son was accepted to like the number one baseball school in the nation he's like a baseball player,

270
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:45,000
 my heart just like explodes with pride, you know, I can tell you that there's been some hard days that I've walked through an Alcoholics Anonymous you know I didn't get sober, everything's just been perfect, you know, that's not my story I know that that might be somebody's

271
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:57,000
 but that's not mine like I said I walked through that my father and my very best friend the whole wide world. Two years ago on St. Patrick's Day died in the back of a van and outside of the detox while waiting to get it.

272
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:15,000
 Yeah, I got that call. There's been some hard things that have happened here, but there's also been some amazing incredible define things that have happened here and you hear about like I wouldn't trade my best day loaded for my worst day so replacing that right coffee, I don't know, but you guys get it.

273
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:30,000
 But it's true, you know, it's absolutely true and I remember telling Lily, very early on like, look, Lil unless God comes down from the heavens above and what's the desire to drink out of me, like, it's just not going to work for somebody like me, and that will

274
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:46,000
 make her precisely look like. And I was like this poor woman believes that you know and I'm here to tell you that's precisely what happened somewhere along the lines of work in the 12 steps I had a psychic change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.

275
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:59,000
 I love where it says in the book like we have a solution here and Alcoholics Anonymous we do we have a solution. It says there's a whole chapter on it right. But it says right in the book we have a solution and the very next sentence is that not one of you're gonna like it.

276
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:13,000
 Not one of you're gonna like the self searching leveling of our private confession of shortcoming. Right. And I never liked that, you know, I never showed up on my sponsors porch and was like, I'd really like to do another searching imperialist moral inventory.

277
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:39,000
 That sounds amazing. You know, it's um, it's pain, you know it pain is such a great motivator for me, I'm like a chronic spiritual relapse or right things don't get really good in my life and I was like, get away from God and I'm like, I'm in so much pain, you know, I wish I could just, I don't know 20 years over I'm still like facilitate just like I just want to be like on that steady path with God you know just I just want to stay on it right I've gotten better.

278
00:28:39,000 --> 00:29:03,000
 I'm not kicking anybody's doors or anything like that. But, you know, I was talking to John on the way up and it's like, what I know today like what I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual growth and I'm just forever grateful for this program and people like you who showed me how to do this thing you know and today like I co parent with my ex as well, he's my very best friend in the whole entire world.

279
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:22,000
 We go on vacations together. It's strange, because I'm the girl who like pulls women out of the bed of my ex boyfriend's house, like two years after we break up, you know, like crazy stuff, and it's just incredible what this program has done for my life and my family if you're, if you're new.

280
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:45,000
 I just encourage you to stay right if you haven't found the same comfort that I found here and I'll tell you this and I'm done. I remember I just, I always wanted that relief that came at once by taking that drink I just needed some relief right I would try and bang for so many years just to get that relief, without the consequences right I just wanted that relief without the constant relief without the consequences and I found that relief.

281
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:56,000
 spiritual needs. Finally, and it's not like it doesn't it's not, it doesn't waver unless I waver right and I'm very glad that I'm here tonight. Thank you again for having me.