1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,200 Wait a minute, first I gotta get off this big screen. 2 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:03,480 That's too much of me. 3 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,180 There's enough of me as it is. 4 00:00:05,180 --> 00:00:07,160 My name's Judy Ross, I'm an alcoholic. 5 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,080 - Hi Judy. - Hi guys. 6 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,840 I first wanna thank Scott very much 7 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,860 for asking me to come to your meeting and share with you. 8 00:00:13,860 --> 00:00:16,400 And you know, this is the problem with getting older. 9 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,120 I wanna thank our leader whose name eludes me now. 10 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,200 Please tell me his name. 11 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,760 And thank you so much for your share. 12 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,480 Sometimes I forget my own name by the way, 13 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,040 so don't worry about it. 14 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,640 My children and grandchildren. 15 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,160 I will tell you the truth, several years ago 16 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,120 when I wasn't anywhere near this old, 17 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:33,760 I forgot my own daughter's birthday. 18 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,920 So, you know, that's how things go sometimes. 19 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:37,760 It happens. 20 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,860 Anyway, I am an alcoholic. 21 00:00:39,860 --> 00:00:44,020 I'm coming up on a birthday in about three weeks. 22 00:00:44,020 --> 00:00:49,020 I'm sober today, 45 years, 11 and three quarters months. 23 00:00:49,020 --> 00:00:52,400 And you know, that's kind of amazing. 24 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,000 It really is kind of amazing. 25 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,240 It never occurred to me that when I was drinking, 26 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:01,720 it never occurred to me that I would stay sober that long, 27 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,080 but not only stay sober that long, 28 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:06,520 but be okay with it, you know? 29 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:07,880 Everything is okay. 30 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:10,480 And as a matter of fact, things are way better 31 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,440 than they were before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. 32 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,860 So I will tell you a little bit about what it was like, 33 00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:18,480 what happened, well, what it was like, you know, 34 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,280 as far as I was concerned. 35 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,920 May not be the truth, but it's what I remember. 36 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,120 And what happened and what it's like now. 37 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,480 And like Stan, I came from a nice family. 38 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,960 My parents, by the time my father died, 39 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:36,880 my parents had been married for over 60 years, I think. 40 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,480 They are both passed away now, 41 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:42,120 but I come from a very loving, loving family. 42 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,120 I had five older brothers and sisters. 43 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,640 My other two, I'm sorry, 44 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,800 the three oldest have since passed away. 45 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,380 There was a big age difference. 46 00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:53,760 My oldest sister was 19 years older than me. 47 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:57,120 And, you know, by the time I came along, 48 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,240 she was gone and off to college. 49 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,440 We didn't really get close until I was, you know, 50 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:03,480 in my thirties. 51 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:07,760 And there was no alcoholism in my family. 52 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:12,180 Nobody, okay, so little hint, I'm Jewish. 53 00:02:12,180 --> 00:02:15,160 So, you know, Manischewitz Concord grape 54 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,040 was probably my first drink. 55 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:21,240 And that's okay because I liked Manischewitz Concord grape. 56 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,200 I liked Mocha and David Concord grape. 57 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,040 I liked Scotch and bourbon too. 58 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,380 So, you know, it really wasn't particular, 59 00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:31,520 but the Concord grape is what we had when I was young 60 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:35,040 and at services and Passover Seders 61 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,960 and Hanukkah celebrations. 62 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960 And, you know, we were big wine drinkers, 63 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,840 but nobody in my family ever got drunk until I came along. 64 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,960 And as I got older, 65 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:49,360 I drank more wine at our Passover Seders and got very drunk. 66 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:53,200 And I got really drunk for the first time 67 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,060 the night of my high school graduation. 68 00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:56,480 I was 17 years old. 69 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,680 I threw up, I had a blackout 70 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,360 and honestly not much changed after that. 71 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:05,020 I do not have an interesting drinking story. 72 00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:09,040 You know, I didn't get drunk in Woodland Hills 73 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,880 and come to in Paris, France. 74 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:15,400 Actually, I got drunk in West LA and came to in West LA. 75 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,400 There really wasn't a whole lot of adventure in my life. 76 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:23,480 I got married when I was 19. 77 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,840 I had my, my daughter was born when I was 20. 78 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,880 My son was born when I was 25 79 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:32,740 and the divorce happened when I was around 32. 80 00:03:32,740 --> 00:03:34,640 I really did not like my ex-husband. 81 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,800 We had our first argument during the marriage ceremony 82 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:42,440 and it didn't get any better after that. 83 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,840 Before he moved out, I used to say after, 84 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,280 because I thought it sounded better. 85 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,720 I thought it made me look better. 86 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,000 But the truth of the matter is before he moved out, 87 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,420 I started actively looking for his replacement. 88 00:03:53,420 --> 00:03:55,620 And where I looked, you know, 89 00:03:55,620 --> 00:03:58,200 I don't know where his replacement actually was, 90 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,320 but where I was looking was in the bars 91 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,640 of West LA and Santa Monica. 92 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:08,640 I would go to one certain bar that was in Santa Monica. 93 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,040 It's not open, closed about a year and a half 94 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,920 after I got sober. 95 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,660 I think I was supplying it with its income. 96 00:04:15,660 --> 00:04:18,120 But I went there almost every Friday and Saturday night 97 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:19,800 and I left my children home alone. 98 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,340 My children were 12 and seven 99 00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:23,420 when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. 100 00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:26,620 And I will tell you that I absolutely do not believe 101 00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:29,820 that a 12 year old girl is anywhere near old enough 102 00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:31,600 to babysit a seven year old boy. 103 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,440 But I went off and left them alone all the time. 104 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,960 If I could afford a babysitter, I hired a babysitter. 105 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,600 But if I couldn't, if the money I had 106 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,360 could only be spent on drinking, 107 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,920 then it was gonna be spent on drinking. 108 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,980 It was not gonna be spent on a babysitter. 109 00:04:45,980 --> 00:04:47,980 Thank God nothing bad ever happened to them. 110 00:04:47,980 --> 00:04:51,760 You know, I would come home drunk with, you know, 111 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:55,000 Mr., we referred, we ladies refer to him 112 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,300 as Mr. Right Now, you know. 113 00:04:57,300 --> 00:05:00,400 And whoever he was, mercifully, he would be gone by morning. 114 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,840 You know, I don't, I don't, I was not raised that way. 115 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,120 My parents did not raise me that way. 116 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,160 My parents were nice, nice people. 117 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,280 They were very well respected members 118 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,720 of the community, the community at large, 119 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,720 and especially of the Jewish community. 120 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,240 I grew up in Portland, Oregon, 121 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,000 and they were well respected. 122 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,080 They would have been horrified to know how I was living 123 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:27,620 and how well I was taking care of my children. 124 00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:32,620 My, I called Alcoholics Anonymous on a Sunday afternoon. 125 00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:36,760 The night before, I had been to a Bring Your Own Bottle. 126 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:40,440 How I went to a Bring Your Own Bottle party was drunk. 127 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:43,120 You know, I mean, I'd already had my drinks. 128 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,880 I had my own bottle at home first. 129 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,600 And then I showed up with scotch 130 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,400 because scotch was apparently, in my mind, 131 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,160 the sophisticated woman's drink. 132 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,360 And I brought a pint because, you know, 133 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,340 I didn't want you to think I drank too much. 134 00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:59,120 And I finished mine in the first hour 135 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,520 and started in on yours. 136 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,840 And yours that night happened to also be scotch. 137 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,520 So I knew I wasn't gonna get too sick, 138 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,040 but I was going to get sick. 139 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,640 I always got sick. 140 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:12,320 I cannot tell you how, I threw up all the time, 141 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,840 on a regular basis, almost every morning. 142 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,560 If I had a drink the night before, 143 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,520 I was throwing up the next morning. 144 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,240 When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, 145 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:24,360 I had broken blood vessels all over my upper chest 146 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:28,520 from the effort, the throwing up takes. 147 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,960 They had to be, the guy burned them away. 148 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,680 I don't know how he did it, but it hurt. 149 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,560 But they never came back. 150 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,840 So I, you know, I was drunk and, you know, 151 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:41,040 I met him and whoever he was followed me home 152 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:42,540 and whoever he was, you know, 153 00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:45,920 he left in the middle of the night and I, you know, 154 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:49,200 the next morning when I woke up or came to, you know, 155 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,380 it's really like the big book says, I rarely woke up. 156 00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:54,760 I almost always came to. 157 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,040 I thought about my children that morning 158 00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:00,040 and what kind of situation I had put them in. 159 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,720 Here were these two kids who I loved, by the way. 160 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:05,580 I loved them then and I love them now. 161 00:07:05,580 --> 00:07:07,440 They're kind of old, they're old now. 162 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:10,080 I'm 35, but they're in their fifties. 163 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,820 I loved them dearly and I never ever meant 164 00:07:12,820 --> 00:07:14,400 to put them in harm's way. 165 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,640 But you know, almost anything could have happened to us. 166 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,540 The guy could have murdered us, 167 00:07:18,540 --> 00:07:20,060 could have set the house on fire 168 00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:21,740 and nobody would have known. 169 00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:24,160 I had lived in where I was living at the time. 170 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,160 I had been there for a number of years. 171 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,580 My neighbors knew me. 172 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:31,760 They did not know what was going on behind closed doors. 173 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,620 And they did not know that I was out drinking 174 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:35,900 two or three nights a week 175 00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:38,600 and leaving these lovely children alone. 176 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,380 But on that Sunday, I called, 177 00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:43,160 well, I thought I called Alcoholics Anonymous. 178 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,600 I guess in a way I did. 179 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,340 I called 26th and Broadway in Santa Monica 180 00:07:47,340 --> 00:07:49,840 and somebody was there and talked to me for a little while. 181 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,100 I don't know if there was a meeting there 182 00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:52,680 that Sunday night or not, 183 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,680 but whoever I was speaking to invited me 184 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:55,680 to come Monday night. 185 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,200 And so I went to the meeting that Monday night 186 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,100 and I picked up some of the free literature, 187 00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:01,460 including a meeting directory. 188 00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:02,860 And I sat in the back of the room 189 00:08:02,860 --> 00:08:05,000 and I didn't really talk to anybody, 190 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,440 but I took the meeting directory home 191 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:10,280 and I found a location in that directory 192 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,440 that was on Ohio Avenue near Sepulveda. 193 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,500 And I didn't know it specifically, 194 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,940 but I'd lived in that neighborhood for a number of years 195 00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:18,320 and I knew I could find it. 196 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,420 So there was no need for me to call central office 197 00:08:20,420 --> 00:08:21,260 the next day, 198 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:23,460 but the number was on the front of the directory, so I did. 199 00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:26,080 I believe everything that has happened to me 200 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,440 from the day I was born till now 201 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,880 has happened exactly the way it's supposed to. 202 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,860 My life, even when I was running it off the rails, 203 00:08:35,860 --> 00:08:37,620 my life has been in perfect order. 204 00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:40,060 And so I called central office the next day 205 00:08:40,060 --> 00:08:43,700 and I was asking about meetings at this location, 206 00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:46,660 although there was no need for me to be doing that. 207 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,000 And the woman I was talking to said, 208 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,540 "No, no, don't go there. 209 00:08:50,540 --> 00:08:53,900 "Come to university synagogue tomorrow night, Tuesday night, 210 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:57,140 "and ask someone to help you find me 211 00:08:57,140 --> 00:08:58,900 "and everything's gonna be fine." 212 00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:00,980 You know, and she told me a little bit about herself 213 00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:02,760 and told me to come to that meeting. 214 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,280 And I said, "You don't understand. 215 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,500 "I have to finish painting my daughter's bedroom." 216 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,680 Apparently that's what I was doing 217 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,880 when I wasn't getting drunk and going out to look for him. 218 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:13,780 She said to me, 219 00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:15,880 "Do you wanna paint your daughter's bedroom 220 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,240 "or do you wanna get sober?" 221 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,320 And I got scared. 222 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,700 I thought, "You mean I can't do both?" 223 00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:24,800 So I went to the meeting that next night 224 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,860 and I met a number of people 225 00:09:26,860 --> 00:09:28,940 and I met the woman who had been on the phone with me 226 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:30,700 and she handed me off to another lady 227 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,120 who was taking me around the room 228 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,560 and introducing me to people and getting me a big book 229 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,960 and doing all those things we do with newcomers. 230 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,880 And I looked up at that time at that meeting, 231 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,960 they had an eight foot replica of the big book on the stage. 232 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,440 I think it was the same eight foot replica 233 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,440 that they used to take to the Southern California convention. 234 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,080 But anyway, there was this giant big book up on the stage. 235 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,020 So I looked up there at it and I looked at this woman 236 00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:57,260 and I looked around the room. 237 00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:59,920 You know, everybody seemed happy to be there. 238 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,440 I did not expect that in "Alcoholics Anonymous." 239 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,800 What I knew about AA was what I had seen 240 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,200 in the movies and on television. 241 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,240 You know, "I'll Cry Tomorrow" and "Playhouse 90" 242 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,380 if anybody is old enough to remember "Playhouse 90." 243 00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:15,100 And they played movies like "I'll Cry Tomorrow" 244 00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:17,920 and "The Days of Wine and Roses," you know. 245 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,400 And those were not happy scenes in those movies. 246 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,200 So I looked around at everyone and I said to the lady, 247 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,360 "Are these people really alcoholics?" 248 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,660 You know, referring to all of you as these people. 249 00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:31,280 Are these people really alcoholics? 250 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,720 And she said, "No, the alcoholics were up on the stage 251 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,160 behind the curtain and at 8.30, 252 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,280 they were gonna let them out." 253 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,040 So I've been waiting, you know, 254 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,520 they never did open that curtain. 255 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,160 And I've been here ever since. 256 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:47,080 I have not, it's not that there haven't been times 257 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,640 when I've wanted to drink, there certainly have. 258 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,940 The first year and a half or so of my sobriety, 259 00:10:51,940 --> 00:10:55,160 I was just obsessed with drinking, obsessed. 260 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,660 I could think of little else. 261 00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:59,320 And, but as time has gone on, 262 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,200 there are two reasons that I don't drink. 263 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,320 And they're both kind of funny, I guess, 264 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,840 but they're both incredibly true. 265 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,160 One is that if I drank, I would not come back. 266 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:16,160 I am in awe of people who slip and go out and drink 267 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,640 and come back to Alcoholics Anonymous 268 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,960 with all that humility that they can muster. 269 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,840 I am just in awe of those people. 270 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,200 And I think how very brave that is. 271 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,840 And I always welcome them back 272 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,800 because that's what we should do. 273 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,200 But I wouldn't come back. 274 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,320 If I went out and drank, you would never see me again, ever. 275 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:39,800 I have too much pride and I'm too egotistical to do that. 276 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,080 You just wouldn't see me again. 277 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,680 It's not that I would go to meetings where nobody knew me. 278 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:44,980 You would just never see me again. 279 00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:46,320 I would just sort of fade away. 280 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,280 The other reason, and the more important one, 281 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,080 is that there are people 282 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,200 who I do not want to have less time than. 283 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,040 You know what I mean? 284 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,040 You have those people in your life. 285 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,120 You don't have to admit it, 286 00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,720 but we know who we are and we know who they are. 287 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,320 But I treat everybody the same. 288 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:09,320 So I've stayed here and life has gone on, life happens. 289 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:13,200 And I have learned many things since I've been here. 290 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,400 The first thing, one of my first lessons 291 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,700 was that emotional pain is really just like physical pain. 292 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:21,080 If you hang in there long enough, eventually it goes away. 293 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:25,240 When I was about six or eight months sober, 294 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,920 I started dating this other lady's husband. 295 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,760 Other lady's husband's was an old idea 296 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,020 I brought with me into Alcoholics Anonymous. 297 00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:33,080 And it was pretty easy. 298 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:37,680 He was a member of my group and she never came to meetings. 299 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,680 So it seemed easy, you know? 300 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,280 And every once in a while, 301 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,960 I would confess to the woman who was my sponsor 302 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,080 at the time about it. 303 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:47,400 And she would tell me to stop and I would say, okay. 304 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,680 And then of course I didn't. 305 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:52,740 And, you know, it just went on like that for about a year. 306 00:12:52,740 --> 00:12:56,160 And excuse me, when I was about 18 months sober, 307 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,680 after we'd been dating for a year, 308 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,400 he left his wife for me, he left her. 309 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,080 And I don't know about you, but I was impressed. 310 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,800 And my best girlfriend who knew what was going on 311 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,360 the whole time, she was impressed. 312 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:11,800 And the woman who was my sponsor was not impressed, 313 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,100 but sponsors rarely are. 314 00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:15,680 So he left his wife for me 315 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,700 and we dated one another openly for another year or so. 316 00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:20,800 And then I'm sorry to say he left me 317 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,120 for the woman who asked me if I wanted to get sober 318 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,240 or paint my daughter's bedroom. 319 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,480 It's one of those what goes around, 320 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,360 comes around kind of things, you know? 321 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:28,880 And I was devastated. 322 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,200 I was absolutely devastated. 323 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,640 By then I had changed sponsors. 324 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,360 I've had two sponsors in my sobriety. 325 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,040 The first one for about a year and a half. 326 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,620 And I've had the second one ever since. 327 00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:40,240 We sat in a meeting one night and she said to me, 328 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,380 you know, I can't take this pain away from you, 329 00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:43,600 but it will go away. 330 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,840 And you know, she was right. 331 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,360 That's the other thing about sponsors. 332 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,440 They're always right. 333 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,240 Not almost always, always. 334 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,580 And, and it did go away eventually. 335 00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:52,420 You know, if you're, 336 00:13:52,420 --> 00:13:54,900 if you're experiencing anything like that right now, 337 00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,760 give it two or three months tops, you know, 338 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,520 then it gets easier to bear. 339 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,680 And, oh, Susan's sneezing. 340 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:02,520 Good night Susan. 341 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,220 And then eventually it just gets better. 342 00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:06,120 And you know, after a while it goes away. 343 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,600 And then the fact of the matter is we do it all over again. 344 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,320 You know, it's not like that was my only relationship 345 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,440 in sobriety or my only relationship 346 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,160 that ended well or badly. 347 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,280 But other things have happened since I've been sober. 348 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,200 You know, I was told when I was new to, 349 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,740 to act like a good mother, feed my children, 350 00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:29,220 feed them, give them, give them dinner, clean the house. 351 00:14:29,220 --> 00:14:30,540 I didn't actually mow the lawn, 352 00:14:30,540 --> 00:14:32,020 but I paid somebody to do it. 353 00:14:32,020 --> 00:14:33,960 And when you go to a meeting, 354 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,760 talk to people and pretend you're in. 355 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:40,740 How I made friends in AA was by talking to other people 356 00:14:40,740 --> 00:14:42,640 who were new, both men and women, 357 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,760 who were new and saying, how are you? 358 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,360 And then pretending to listen. 359 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,080 It's all acting as if, that's all we do. 360 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,720 We all act as if, we all act better than we feel. 361 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,440 That's all we have to do. 362 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,640 That's the easy way to get along in life. 363 00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,160 Just act better than I feel. 364 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,440 How simple is that? 365 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:04,560 And so I did that and I have made friends over the years. 366 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,320 When I walk into an AA meeting, 367 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:07,800 people seem happy to see me 368 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,860 because I act most of the time better than I feel. 369 00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:14,360 Several years ago, well, how many years ago was it? 370 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,000 Maybe 15 or 20 years ago. 371 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,400 I had to have hip replacement surgery. 372 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,640 And at the time, before we got around to the surgery, 373 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,240 all anybody knew was that I was in some terrible pain. 374 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,060 God, it hurt. 375 00:15:26,060 --> 00:15:27,080 It hurt a lot. 376 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:31,160 And it took me forever to get a couple of physicians 377 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,080 to give me an X-ray. 378 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,760 And they found out that the hip and the ball 379 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,680 and the socket or whatever was all just smashed up. 380 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:39,520 No wonder it hurt. 381 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:44,520 And during that chronic pain can turn any happy person 382 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,500 into a grouch instantly. 383 00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:47,440 And that was me. 384 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,060 I didn't realize how much of a grouch 385 00:15:49,060 --> 00:15:52,280 until I was in Vons one day buying a couple of things. 386 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,440 And I was standing in line. 387 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:55,760 I only had three or four items. 388 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,320 I was standing in line and a new cashier came up 389 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,600 and waved me over to her register. 390 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,160 But a young couple from behind saw her open 391 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,600 and rushed up and got into that line and got ahead of me. 392 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,880 Well, you'd have thought that somebody 393 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,900 had set a bomb off under my house. 394 00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:17,080 I read them the riot act and I wasn't silent about it. 395 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:18,900 I wasn't quiet. 396 00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:21,660 I read them the riot act and I just went off on them 397 00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:24,240 about jumping in line in front of me. 398 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,860 Well, the problem with doing that 399 00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:28,520 is that I had been shopping at that Vons for years. 400 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,840 Everybody there knew me. 401 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,280 They may not have known my name or my history, 402 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:34,220 but they knew me. 403 00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:37,080 And when I got to the register, I said to the cashier, 404 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,920 "I'm so sorry." 405 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,120 I apologized to her and told her I was in pain. 406 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,160 And I tried to get out to the parking lot 407 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,000 so I could tell that young couple that I was sorry, 408 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:47,920 but they were long gone. 409 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:48,760 They had gone. 410 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,480 And I realized that I was never gonna have a chance 411 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:52,680 to apologize to them. 412 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:53,900 I don't remember what they looked like 413 00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,420 or I didn't know anything about them. 414 00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:57,500 And it occurred to me at that very moment 415 00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,720 why we act better than we feel. 416 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,140 We act better than we feel. 417 00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:03,960 Whether the feeling is physical, emotional, mental, 418 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,600 whatever, we act better than we feel 419 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,040 because there may not be an opportunity 420 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,020 to make amends for behaving badly. 421 00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:13,080 There just may not. 422 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,820 And there wasn't in that case. 423 00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:18,320 And so in spite of the fact that the pain continued 424 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,240 until I finally had the surgery, which was a relief, 425 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,560 I can't tell you how much of a relief that was, 426 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,560 I purposely acted, I paid attention to what I was doing. 427 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,520 I paid attention to what my face looked like. 428 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,500 I paid attention to the tone of my voice. 429 00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:34,920 And I just acted better than I felt 430 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,380 because it was absolutely a requirement for me, for my life. 431 00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:44,160 When I got married, when I was 19 years old, 432 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,780 I had finished about a year of college 433 00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:48,380 and I had always wanted to go back. 434 00:17:48,380 --> 00:17:49,600 You know, after we got married, 435 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,440 I worked and helped put him through college. 436 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,300 And then I really didn't have much of a chance. 437 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:58,600 But after we moved to Los Angeles from Seattle in 1965, 438 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,000 and a few years after that, 439 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,280 I decided I wanted a college degree. 440 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:05,680 I don't know what the hell I was gonna do with it. 441 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,000 But I wanted a college degree. 442 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,640 And I was working at a job that paid me a bonus 443 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,740 that afforded me to go back to school. 444 00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:17,280 And so I went to, and right at that time, 445 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,720 Mount St. Mary's College, a nice Catholic girls school, 446 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,640 was opening up a weekend college. 447 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:23,880 You didn't have to be a girl 448 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,200 and you didn't have to be Catholic. 449 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,580 And it was called Weekend College for Working Adults. 450 00:18:27,580 --> 00:18:29,780 And what an opportunity I went. 451 00:18:29,780 --> 00:18:32,000 And it took me a while. 452 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,580 It took me about five years 453 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:37,920 to finish my last three years of college, 454 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,560 two and a half, three years of college. 455 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,040 But I learned stuff. 456 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,000 I know a little tiny something about art. 457 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,880 You know, I learned that Monet and Manet 458 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,000 are two different people. 459 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,140 I didn't know that. 460 00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:50,580 It was a revelation. 461 00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:53,000 I took a couple of writing classes 462 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,440 and found that I could write and that I'm funny. 463 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,940 I took some history classes. 464 00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:00,440 I learned about presidents of the United States, 465 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,720 the things I didn't know. 466 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:02,680 I learned some stuff. 467 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:03,680 I had a wonderful time. 468 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,300 I made some friends and I just had the best time. 469 00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:08,080 And I graduated with a degree. 470 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,400 I have a diploma from college. 471 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,920 I have a bachelor's degree. 472 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,400 And what I did with that bachelor's degree 473 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,800 was quit the job that I had 474 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,960 and started a secretarial service. 475 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,280 That's what every good college graduate should do. 476 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,400 I really didn't do anything with the degree. 477 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,240 I didn't use it. 478 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:30,440 I didn't need it to get a job or anything like that. 479 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,560 I just wanted it. 480 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,600 All my brothers and sisters had their college degrees 481 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:36,720 and I wanted one. 482 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,920 And so that made me feel really good. 483 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,240 I discovered through those writing classes 484 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,200 that I took at Mount St. Mary's 485 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,560 and through some sharing that I had done in AA, 486 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:54,560 although I wasn't being funny on purpose in my talks, 487 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:55,840 but I found out I'm funny. 488 00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,420 And so I went and tried another dream of mine. 489 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:02,120 One dream was to finish college 490 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,820 and another dream turned out to be 491 00:20:03,820 --> 00:20:05,560 that I wanted to do standup comedy. 492 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:06,400 And I did that. 493 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,600 How you do that is I did how I did everything else. 494 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,800 I took a class. 495 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,480 You go to school. 496 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,360 It's like finding a sponsor. 497 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,320 I took a class and I found out what to do. 498 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,920 And it turned out that in fact I was funny. 499 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,700 And for several years, 500 00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:25,320 I wish I could remember how old I was. 501 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,040 I guess from like my middle fifties 502 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,480 till about six or seven years ago, 503 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,960 I performed sporadically in little places. 504 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,000 You know, I was never anything big. 505 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,960 It was not the Hollywood Palladium or anything like that, 506 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,120 but they were small comedy theaters. 507 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,640 And it was enough that people left. 508 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,780 What a wonderful feeling it is to be on stage 509 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:51,080 and make a room full of strangers, strangers. 510 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,200 I mean, every once in a while, 511 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,000 three or four friends would come with me to help support me. 512 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,640 But by and large, it was a room full of strangers, 513 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,120 you know, 40 or 50 people I've never met before. 514 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,600 What a powerful feeling it was to make them laugh. 515 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,400 And it brought such joy to my heart 516 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,400 that it made me want to keep doing it. 517 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,160 I haven't done it in a while. 518 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:11,720 I don't know if I'll go back to it. 519 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,440 I'm not a, well, there are two problems. 520 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,240 One is, I don't know that it's a problem, 521 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,160 but I am, I am 79. 522 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,780 You know, there aren't too many 79 year old standup comics 523 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,300 going on, you know, America's Got Talent. 524 00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,960 And the other thing is that Alzheimer's 525 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,160 seems to be going in my family. 526 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,280 The next oldest sister to me is four years older than I am. 527 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,440 And she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. 528 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:35,980 And then I have another brother 529 00:21:35,980 --> 00:21:37,640 who's about 12 years older than me. 530 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,000 We're the only three left. 531 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,600 And he apparently has come, been diagnosed with it as well. 532 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:46,720 So going on stage and remembering, you know, 533 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,680 10 or 15 minutes worth of material 534 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,200 might not be the easiest thing for me anymore. 535 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,660 Although it's material I've been doing 536 00:21:52,660 --> 00:21:54,160 over and over and over for so long, 537 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,000 I, you know, know it fairly well, 538 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,700 but I don't know that I'm going to do that again. 539 00:21:57,700 --> 00:22:00,540 Meanwhile, I'm here in Alcoholics Anonymous. 540 00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:04,520 And I, you know, my time is almost up. 541 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:05,360 I know that. 542 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:06,960 I want to share something about my, 543 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,500 about the ninth step, you know, making amends. 544 00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:13,460 I went for years before I actually made. 545 00:22:13,460 --> 00:22:16,320 The amends I really needed to make were to my ex-husband. 546 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,220 And I let that go and let it go and let it go. 547 00:22:19,220 --> 00:22:21,180 I did it with my first sponsor. 548 00:22:21,180 --> 00:22:23,200 When I was about eight months sober, she said, 549 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,240 "Well, let's write him a letter and, you know, 550 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,720 tell him you're sorry, and do you know where he," 551 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,600 and I didn't know where he was living. 552 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,760 So I mailed it off to his best friend. 553 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:35,600 And, you know, basically this letter said, 554 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,920 "I'm in AA now and we're supposed to apologize 555 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,060 for things we've done that are not very nice. 556 00:22:40,060 --> 00:22:42,160 And so I'm sorry and, you know, goodbye." 557 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,460 Basically with that much illness and heart and, excuse me, 558 00:22:45,460 --> 00:22:46,760 and all these years went by, 559 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:50,040 and by when I was 18 or 19 years sober, 560 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,600 my sponsor was getting some of her babies together 561 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,160 to go through the big book and do the steps 562 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,000 in a different way. 563 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,760 And she asked me if I wanted to join in, 564 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:00,360 and I said, "Sure, but I'm not making amends to that. 565 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,000 The letters A-H apply." 566 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,160 And she said, "Don't worry. 567 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,000 The steps are written in order just for people like you." 568 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,760 So we got to the first, you know, 19 years sober. 569 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,920 And by this time I had been sponsoring women. 570 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,760 I had been, read the big book several times. 571 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,200 I had been secretary of several meetings. 572 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,120 I was speaking. 573 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,600 You know, I was not saying no, saying yes 574 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:24,160 to all the AA requests, participating in sobriety, 575 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,160 participating in my group stuff. 576 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,920 So, you know, we go through the big book. 577 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,000 We do all the steps. 578 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,080 We do the inventory. 579 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:31,480 And basically he was, 580 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,240 there were some people on my eight-step list. 581 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,400 You know, the problem with staying sober a long time 582 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,320 is that although you've made amends 583 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,440 to all the people from your past, now there's new people. 584 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,280 And mostly they're all in your AA group. 585 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,560 You know, all the people I needed to make amends to 586 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:46,480 were in my group. 587 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,200 But they were easy amends and it was fine. 588 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:49,880 And I didn't owe any money to anybody. 589 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,000 But then we came to my ex-husband and she said, 590 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,440 "You have to make amends to him." 591 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:54,920 And I said, "Oh, no, no, no, no." 592 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,480 What he did was awful. 593 00:23:56,480 --> 00:24:00,000 It involved my children and it involved money 594 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,720 and it involved some dignity. 595 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,360 And she said, "Okay." 596 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,360 She said, "You don't actually have to forgive him. 597 00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,960 Just pretend like you're forgiving him." 598 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,360 And the interesting thing is that right then I forgot 599 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:14,920 about all the times I had been pretending about stuff. 600 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,960 Acting as if when talking to a newcomer 601 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,600 and making a friend, you know? 602 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:22,360 Acting as if pretending I'm a good driver 603 00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:24,960 when I'm on the freeway, you know? 604 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,200 All those things. 605 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,200 Acting as though I'm not in terrible pain 606 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,440 and I should treat you well. 607 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,160 Acting as if I forgot about all that stuff. 608 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,480 I forgot about what happens when I do that. 609 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:37,520 What happens when I do that is eventually I start to feel 610 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,600 the way I'm acting, I'm pretending to be. 611 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,720 So I tried to figure out how, you know, 612 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,040 a normal person would be forgiving. 613 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,280 And I observed how people in AA behaved 614 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:49,040 and I observed how people outside of AA behaved. 615 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:50,760 And I started to emulate them. 616 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:54,280 And at the time my ex-husband was... 617 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,280 I enjoy this part of the story a little bit. 618 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,880 He was being a guest of the federal government at Lompoc. 619 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:00,960 He had been a bad boy. 620 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,040 And so I had to write him a letter. 621 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,040 He did not want to see me in person. 622 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,520 And so I wrote him a letter. 623 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,480 And as soon as my sponsor took out the, you know, 624 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,280 justifications and all that stuff, 625 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:14,320 it was a pretty good letter. 626 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,160 I still have it. 627 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:16,600 I give it to the women I sponsor 628 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,720 who are having trouble writing an immense letter. 629 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:19,880 And I mailed it off to him. 630 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,040 And I didn't hear anything. 631 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,840 My children told me he got it, but I didn't hear anything. 632 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,560 And then a couple of years later, he was out. 633 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:28,880 He had done his time and he had been released. 634 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,800 And my son was having a 30th birthday party. 635 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,760 My son and his first wife lived in Simi Valley. 636 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,760 And the street they lived on was always filled 637 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,960 with children and dogs and cars and people. 638 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,120 I mean, it was just full of family stuff. 639 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,440 And what was interesting was that on this day, 640 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,240 when I arrived from this party, I parked my car. 641 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:51,280 There was nobody on the street, nobody, no dogs, no cats, 642 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:52,120 no children. 643 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:53,920 And I got out of my car 644 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,240 and started to take some things out of the trunk. 645 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,600 I had a couple of gifts and I brought some food 646 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,400 and you know, like you do for your kids. 647 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,480 And my ex-husband came walking out of the house 648 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,000 and saw me with all this stuff. 649 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,680 And he came across the street and asked if he could help me. 650 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:07,720 And I said, yes. 651 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,560 And then I said, did you get my letter? 652 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:10,400 And he said, yes. 653 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,880 And I said that all important phrase, is there anything else 654 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,240 I need to do to make this right between us? 655 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,080 And he said, no, we're fine. 656 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,040 And we had a hug and a little kiss on the cheek 657 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:21,120 and it was over. 658 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:23,520 That resentment, it was a terrible resentment 659 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,840 that I had been carrying for over 20 years, 660 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,640 was gone in an instant. 661 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,680 And had I known it was that easy, 662 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,800 I'd had done it when I was six months sober. 663 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,440 I don't know why I waited, 664 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,560 except I carried it around on my shoulder 665 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,880 like some kind of badge of honor. 666 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,600 You know, it's good to have a resentment, 667 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:42,840 helps you wake up in the morning, 668 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,760 gives you like a good cup of coffee, you know. 669 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:49,800 And now, you know, I don't, it's not that I dislike him. 670 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,320 I just, I don't care anymore. 671 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:52,200 It's all gone. 672 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:53,040 I'm better. 673 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:54,200 The world is better, you know. 674 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,600 The world is better for me not having a resentment. 675 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,680 The world is better when I act well. 676 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,120 The world is better when I just am one among all of you. 677 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,320 You know, I don't need to, I don't need to do anything. 678 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:06,320 I just need to be. 679 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,120 And I'm, again, I want to thank Scott for asking me 680 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:09,960 to come here. 681 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,720 Thank you for letting me do this on Zoom. 682 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,320 I'm terrified of going to an in-person meeting. 683 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,160 I haven't gotten sick, knock wood, 684 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:17,680 'cause I don't go anywhere. 685 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,600 But I'm so glad to be here with you 686 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,480 and thank you so much for listening.