1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,900 - Thank you, my name's Brett, I am an alcoholic 2 00:00:01,900 --> 00:00:06,020 for Vince, to my innermost self. 3 00:00:06,020 --> 00:00:08,480 That's the case, hello alcoholics at home. 4 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,440 Thanks Scott for asking me to come 5 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,020 and share my story tonight. 6 00:00:13,020 --> 00:00:16,660 And thanks to Paul M for recommending me 7 00:00:16,660 --> 00:00:18,940 as he calls my hair tonight. 8 00:00:18,940 --> 00:00:20,140 I'll see him, I see him. 9 00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:25,740 Brett, an alcoholic, a viewer of my story, 10 00:00:25,740 --> 00:00:28,380 you know, in the stories that have headlines, right? 11 00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:31,180 And in the big book, mine would probably be one of us, 12 00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:33,780 you know, and I didn't think I was, you know, 13 00:00:33,780 --> 00:00:36,620 the last thing I wanted to be was one of them. 14 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:39,900 If you grew up around them, you know what I'm talking about. 15 00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:41,980 And I ended up one of us and it's the best thing 16 00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:45,180 that happened to me, that's the way it's happened for me. 17 00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:50,180 I share, my sprainy date is January 11th, 2001. 18 00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:52,300 I've been sharing for years, 19 00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:53,940 I grew up in an alcoholic family. 20 00:00:53,940 --> 00:00:55,540 I grew up in an alcoholic family. 21 00:00:55,540 --> 00:00:58,180 You know, as years go on, you know, 22 00:00:58,180 --> 00:01:00,100 there's honesty and there's rigorous honesty 23 00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:01,820 and all of a sudden you start to realize 24 00:01:01,820 --> 00:01:03,180 the lesson all together is true, Brett. 25 00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:06,700 You know, you had zero to 10, where no, 26 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:10,140 there wasn't, the parents, the grandfather was drinking, 27 00:01:10,140 --> 00:01:11,340 but we didn't live with him, 28 00:01:11,340 --> 00:01:13,380 so it didn't really affect us to the same point. 29 00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:15,740 Family didn't really break out with the disease 30 00:01:15,740 --> 00:01:16,660 until it was like 10. 31 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,340 Zero to 10, I kind of lived in a utopia. 32 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:22,340 Lived on a farm, everything was fantastic. 33 00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:25,860 Dad went together, you know, everything was going great. 34 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,740 You know, through their own circumstances, 35 00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:31,820 things got tense there. 36 00:01:31,820 --> 00:01:33,160 My mom and dad split when I was 10 37 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,180 and then that's when things started to go, 38 00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:36,180 started to go haywire. 39 00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,980 So my grandfather moved in with us at one point. 40 00:01:38,980 --> 00:01:40,340 He lived with us for five years. 41 00:01:40,340 --> 00:01:43,040 My grandfather, my mom, my dad, my older brother, 42 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:47,140 my grandfather, I can say with some certainty, 43 00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:49,180 my grandfather died of this disease. 44 00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:51,700 He was six foot four and fell when he was drunk, 45 00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:54,380 hit his head on the toilet, in the bathtub, 46 00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:55,360 that's how he went. 47 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,360 My older brother died of this thing 48 00:01:58,360 --> 00:01:59,780 just a little over two years ago 49 00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:01,400 in Suzanne's industry, like three days ago. 50 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,900 He died of this thing alone in a trailer 51 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:07,420 in a five foot circle with nothing refuse around it. 52 00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:08,260 That's how he died. 53 00:02:08,260 --> 00:02:10,740 And that's what happens to us. 54 00:02:10,740 --> 00:02:14,940 I got to, I grew up, you know, 10 to 18 I was there 55 00:02:14,940 --> 00:02:16,060 when it happened. 56 00:02:16,060 --> 00:02:19,640 And I, the reason I think that's important to share now, 57 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:23,460 and I, you know, is because the fact that I was, 58 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:26,620 that I was in quote unquote normal environment, 59 00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:29,140 it seemed like until that time it became, 60 00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:32,100 it was so apparent to me when the chaos came. 61 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,240 I didn't know what was going on. 62 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:36,340 So at the, at the age of 10, there was a, 63 00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:38,860 there was an event going on. 64 00:02:38,860 --> 00:02:42,040 We had, ourselves had become a bit of a flop house. 65 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,060 We had people, you know, staying there drunk, 66 00:02:45,060 --> 00:02:46,960 wake up, stepping over bodies, 67 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,020 drunk bodies in the floor in the morning as a kid. 68 00:02:49,020 --> 00:02:51,060 And, you know, I'm wondering what the heck was going on. 69 00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,500 My mom was getting something ready for a, 70 00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:55,140 we're getting a car ready for demolition. 71 00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:58,060 Cause that's how you get cars ready for demolition. 72 00:02:58,060 --> 00:03:01,060 And, and she ran over somebody's toolbox. 73 00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:05,140 And, and I, I could see it was because of the ankle, 74 00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:05,980 but this was happening. 75 00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:07,260 And I took her beer and I threw it away 76 00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:08,340 and she came looking for it. 77 00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:09,540 And she was like, where's my beer? 78 00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:11,340 And my little brother ran at me and I was like, 79 00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,180 right through it, please. 80 00:03:12,180 --> 00:03:14,900 And she came up with a 12 pound, a 12 pound screw ribbon. 81 00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:16,580 She says, you want to throw this one away too? 82 00:03:16,580 --> 00:03:17,420 I'll just go get another. 83 00:03:17,420 --> 00:03:19,180 And I could see right then and there that, 84 00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:22,060 oh, who's running this show? 85 00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:23,540 I made a decision at that point. 86 00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:24,940 I wasn't going to be like them. 87 00:03:24,940 --> 00:03:26,740 That's where the whole of them thing started. 88 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:30,140 I was not going to be like what they, like they were. 89 00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:34,140 So I applied myself and I became my, as I said, 90 00:03:34,140 --> 00:03:35,700 I'm, I'm a number one man. 91 00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:38,420 My birthday, January 11th, 2001. 92 00:03:38,420 --> 00:03:40,420 And Bill W. talks about being a number one. 93 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:41,340 Being a number one man. 94 00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:42,560 That's what became important to me. 95 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,920 I had to, because I wasn't going to be like, 96 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:45,760 what they were going to be. 97 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,940 I made a pact with my brother, we won't be like them. 98 00:03:47,940 --> 00:03:48,980 You know, I sat him down. 99 00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:49,940 We're not going to be like them. 100 00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:53,380 So I applied myself and became all these things 101 00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:54,580 throughout school. 102 00:03:54,580 --> 00:03:59,240 I switched my grades for becoming popular, 103 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:03,420 student council stuff, captain football team, whatever it is. 104 00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:04,500 It doesn't matter in hindsight. 105 00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:05,840 It doesn't really matter. 106 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,940 These are things just to make me be okay with me 107 00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:13,740 because I wasn't, I wasn't really okay with circumstances. 108 00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:17,940 And ultimately I wasn't, I needed to find a way out of it. 109 00:04:17,940 --> 00:04:22,780 Well, so after seven years, I swapped with that pact. 110 00:04:22,780 --> 00:04:24,660 I made one with my brother in tech, 111 00:04:24,660 --> 00:04:27,220 but then went to high school. 112 00:04:27,220 --> 00:04:29,800 There was a party and the, 113 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,140 they were going to be older, older girls there. 114 00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:34,080 And there was drinking, there was beer. 115 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:38,940 And I was offered a beer and I wanted to fit in. 116 00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:41,220 And so your pressure did me in for strength. 117 00:04:41,220 --> 00:04:44,980 And then, you know, they say that we all cause strength, 118 00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:47,580 essentially because we like the effect produced by uncle. 119 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:49,820 And I can tell you that it's absolutely the case with me. 120 00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:52,420 The moment I had that first beer, something happened. 121 00:04:52,420 --> 00:04:53,860 It was, it was fun. 122 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:57,180 I was, I was better, I was smarter. 123 00:04:57,180 --> 00:04:59,260 I was better looking, I was funnier. 124 00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,620 To me, everything exactly how I wanted to feel. 125 00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:05,100 And I thought to myself, what did they mess this up? 126 00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,460 Well, I just felt like they were, they were weak. 127 00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:09,620 They were weak willed people and I'll do it 128 00:05:09,620 --> 00:05:11,340 and I'll just manage it, right? 129 00:05:11,340 --> 00:05:12,820 And so from that first drink, 130 00:05:12,820 --> 00:05:15,780 I was trying to manage my drinking from the first drink. 131 00:05:15,780 --> 00:05:18,140 I got, I got drunk and I had a great time, 132 00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:20,940 a lot of great time all throughout. 133 00:05:20,940 --> 00:05:25,880 But you know, my story, like many other alcoholic stories, 134 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,860 I didn't really hear this until I came into the rooms. 135 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:30,460 I didn't know there was a progressive nature to this thing. 136 00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:31,820 I thought you were a drunk, you're just a drunk. 137 00:05:31,820 --> 00:05:33,540 I didn't know that it got worse. 138 00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:35,460 I didn't know that this malady, 139 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,160 when the more alcohol you put in, 140 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,500 the worse the malady becomes. 141 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,020 Not only for the body, but for the mind. 142 00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:42,180 Both of these things get sicker and sicker 143 00:05:42,180 --> 00:05:45,220 the more we practice this thing. 144 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,500 I wasn't aware of that. 145 00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:49,620 So, you know, I don't think my drunk-a-log in and of itself, 146 00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:50,940 you know, I don't, I don't spend a lot of time. 147 00:05:50,940 --> 00:05:53,980 I drank from 17 till I was 36. 148 00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:56,220 I got in these rooms at 36. 149 00:05:56,220 --> 00:05:58,620 I don't think it's that much different than any other. 150 00:05:58,620 --> 00:05:59,900 It's just sort of a garden variety. 151 00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:02,060 I don't think there's anything particularly special about it. 152 00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:04,460 I can tell you it's absolutely progressive though. 153 00:06:04,460 --> 00:06:06,460 It got worse, what was sort of that weakness. 154 00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:08,860 But I really, you know, it wasn't till I got here 155 00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:12,420 and they said, you know, it talks on the big book about, 156 00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:15,340 you know, try to just drink any one, drink any one, 157 00:06:15,340 --> 00:06:17,140 who would do such a thing? 158 00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:18,740 I never drink one. 159 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:21,500 Why don't you start drinking one, go on somewhere. 160 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,340 I'm just going to stop with one. 161 00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:27,620 So it had never occurred to me to drink just one. 162 00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:29,060 Every time I drank, you know, 163 00:06:29,060 --> 00:06:31,860 I was trying to go for the maximum feeling, 164 00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:36,380 the maximum high, the maximum good time I could have. 165 00:06:36,380 --> 00:06:38,120 And yet I had all that knowledge 166 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,900 of how all those people behaved when they got drunk. 167 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,980 So I'm trying to manage it at the same time. 168 00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:46,540 Like I had all my little rules, like, okay, if you start, 169 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,780 like I, how many times I sat around 170 00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:50,380 while alcoholics repeated themselves 171 00:06:50,380 --> 00:06:51,960 over and over and over again, 172 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,780 or stories about them blacking out. 173 00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,060 Like, well, I ain't going to black out. 174 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:57,260 I said, if I start losing consciousness, that's it. 175 00:06:57,260 --> 00:06:58,500 I'm going to go lay down. 176 00:06:58,500 --> 00:06:59,420 I'm going to go to bed. 177 00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:02,380 That way I had an illusion of control somehow, 178 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:04,060 but I still right up until, 179 00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:06,420 I just keep drinking all the way up until that moment 180 00:07:06,420 --> 00:07:09,540 and then find some place to go basically pass out. 181 00:07:09,540 --> 00:07:12,540 But it did, it did get more progressive for me. 182 00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:16,100 You know, weekends, you know, 183 00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:18,460 a night on the weekend became, 184 00:07:18,460 --> 00:07:21,820 nights on the weekend became three days or whatever. 185 00:07:21,820 --> 00:07:25,580 I really didn't want, I knew what it meant if you drank. 186 00:07:25,580 --> 00:07:27,660 I knew what it meant if you drank in the morning. 187 00:07:27,660 --> 00:07:30,080 I knew what it meant if you got a DUI. 188 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,340 I was, you know, I saw them, 189 00:07:31,340 --> 00:07:34,100 I saw what happened to my family when these things, 190 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:35,260 I knew what those things meant. 191 00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:37,500 And so I didn't, you know, I didn't want to do that. 192 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:38,340 I didn't want to do that. 193 00:07:38,340 --> 00:07:40,900 I knew what it meant if you drank on the job, 194 00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:44,940 but it kept going and I kept trying to find different ways. 195 00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:47,740 So what I'll skip over now is, I mean, some of the things, 196 00:07:47,740 --> 00:07:51,980 some of the crazy things that happened just to qualify, 197 00:07:51,980 --> 00:07:54,220 being in New York, falling asleep, 198 00:07:54,220 --> 00:07:56,060 passing out on the subway, waking up. 199 00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,240 If you pass out on the subway, 200 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,700 they wake you up at the end of the line, 201 00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:00,580 either Bronx or Poni Island. 202 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:03,660 And that would happen to me frequently. 203 00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:05,860 I'd be, oh, it's time to fall. 204 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:09,500 I missed my stop again and then ride all the other way. 205 00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,700 You know, I guess it gets pretty, pretty long. 206 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:15,140 Those types of things, ticking holes in the walls, 207 00:08:15,140 --> 00:08:17,020 breaking furniture with my bare feet. 208 00:08:17,020 --> 00:08:22,020 You know, this kind of behavior is not a normal, healthy, 209 00:08:22,020 --> 00:08:24,760 calm, serene mind. 210 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,340 It's not coming from that kind of place. 211 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:31,700 When I was, the last couple of years, you know, 212 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:35,000 I was hiding, I had this thing where I would hide the booze. 213 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,460 I had, you remember the recycling things were yellow. 214 00:08:37,460 --> 00:08:39,060 They didn't have the big blue ones. 215 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,560 I would, I would hide my bottles under the, 216 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,200 yet the pile kept growing, you know? 217 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,300 So like, I didn't think my wife was going to find out. 218 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:48,020 The pile kept growing, but the last bottles I drank, 219 00:08:48,020 --> 00:08:49,740 I always put down at the bottom, you know, 220 00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:51,660 like I thought she wasn't going to be able to, 221 00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:54,220 to figure that one out then. 222 00:08:54,220 --> 00:08:57,540 You know, I started to, you know, mix, mix different drinks. 223 00:08:57,540 --> 00:08:59,140 I was primarily a beer drinker, 224 00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:01,280 just because I felt like I could manage my, 225 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:05,240 I could manage it, my, where I wanted to be a little bit 226 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,440 more. I could tell you at the end, 227 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:12,040 I was unbelievably bitter at the world and its people. 228 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,380 I couldn't believe how I thought this world had, 229 00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:19,100 was doing me wrong, victim mentality. 230 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:24,100 My way of doing it was, was to lash out, you know, 231 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,540 and the worst feeling, you know, 232 00:09:26,540 --> 00:09:29,600 that I had a bit of a black hole and I just kept going, 233 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,100 particularly as long as I was getting bigger and bigger 234 00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,700 and bigger, no matter what I threw in that room. 235 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,500 I had been taken more, tried to fill the white hole. 236 00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:39,380 And why were people so stupid? 237 00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:42,260 You know, why wouldn't they do it the right way? 238 00:09:42,260 --> 00:09:45,500 You know, I just really felt like everything would be better 239 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:46,900 if, if that were the case. 240 00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:49,820 And my career wasn't going the way that I wanted. 241 00:09:49,820 --> 00:09:51,300 My career was number one in my life. 242 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:55,620 My priorities were my career, my family, basically, yeah. 243 00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:56,540 But when I talk about, 244 00:09:56,540 --> 00:09:59,020 even now I talk about my priorities being my career. 245 00:09:59,020 --> 00:10:02,060 When I say my career, what I really mean was me. 246 00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:05,340 It was, my priority was me because my career, 247 00:10:05,340 --> 00:10:07,180 if I had gotten it the way I wanted, 248 00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:10,520 everybody would have recognized how great I really was. 249 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,140 If I had gotten my career the way I wanted. 250 00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:14,260 My career was utterly about, wasn't about anyone. 251 00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:15,660 I didn't, it took a lot of time 252 00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:16,900 in this program to come to that. 253 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,860 I thought I was, I thought once I got there, 254 00:10:19,860 --> 00:10:22,500 I will become the benevolent being I'm supposed to be, 255 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:23,780 but it was never true. 256 00:10:23,780 --> 00:10:26,740 'Cause I acted like a jerk all the way along, 257 00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:29,140 justifying that that was all justifiable 258 00:10:29,140 --> 00:10:33,020 to get to this place where everything's going to be great 259 00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:34,100 when I get there. 260 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,460 You know, what a great thing that this program teaches us 261 00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:38,420 to be here, to be right here, to be in today, 262 00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:40,800 to live this moment as full as we possibly could. 263 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,540 I didn't know that that was, that you could be here. 264 00:10:42,540 --> 00:10:47,540 So I'm, I'm at a function that the day of my bottom, 265 00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:49,660 I would say, you know, I don't, 266 00:10:49,660 --> 00:10:52,660 I don't know that it matters, a high bottom, a low bottom. 267 00:10:52,660 --> 00:10:54,140 I think when the pain's enough, 268 00:10:54,140 --> 00:10:55,700 the pain's enough when you're done, you're done. 269 00:10:55,700 --> 00:10:58,140 If you had enough pain, you're ready to give up your life. 270 00:10:58,140 --> 00:11:00,620 Your life, everything attached to the name Brent 271 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:01,460 can be done with. 272 00:11:01,460 --> 00:11:03,100 I got to find a new one, I got to find a better one. 273 00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:04,300 I got to find a different way of doing it 274 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,980 because my way didn't, so, but I was still trying. 275 00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:08,620 And that last day we had, 276 00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:10,980 my wife and I had gone to see what we could afford 277 00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:13,100 in terms of a house, two things. 278 00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:17,740 And I was, I was in this film that was premiering 279 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:20,100 and I was pretty sure that it was going to really 280 00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,260 do something for my career. 281 00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:23,820 Well, first off, the thing about the house, 282 00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:27,620 what we could afford was a shack, a 700 square foot shack 283 00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,900 at the best, not what I expected. 284 00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:33,700 And that night was predominantly, 285 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:36,820 my contribution to that project 286 00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:38,260 was predominantly cut out of it. 287 00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:43,260 And so, you know, down in line in martinis, 288 00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:45,020 and I don't know how to drink martinis, 289 00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:48,660 but I'll drink martinis, double apple martinis. 290 00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:51,140 And I remember that I was with it, 291 00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:53,980 I was sitting with him, better with the director too, 292 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,860 and I'm sitting with him afterwards. 293 00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:58,900 And I remember leaving that bar and he asked me, 294 00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:01,900 I was like, are you okay to drive home from here? 295 00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:04,260 You know, and I sit in the car and I pass out the car. 296 00:12:04,260 --> 00:12:06,540 Somebody knocks on the window. 297 00:12:06,540 --> 00:12:08,460 Hey man, can you give us a ride? 298 00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:09,340 I give you a ride. 299 00:12:09,340 --> 00:12:12,540 And I get on, I get on Highland and I black out. 300 00:12:12,540 --> 00:12:15,180 I don't, I'm going up, I'm going up Highland 301 00:12:15,180 --> 00:12:18,100 and I black out and I come to on the 101 302 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,180 and the lights are flashing behind, right? 303 00:12:20,180 --> 00:12:23,300 And I go over, I pull over onto Barham. 304 00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,660 So great to still see these places now 305 00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:28,100 and remember what it was like, only the gratitude, 306 00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:30,420 what I, you know, but I go and I pull over on Barham 307 00:12:30,420 --> 00:12:33,460 and he comes up, the cop comes up and rolled down the window 308 00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:35,740 and he said, he leaned in, first thing he said, 309 00:12:35,740 --> 00:12:36,580 have you been drinking? 310 00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:39,180 And to me, what I heard knew, in that moment I knew, 311 00:12:39,180 --> 00:12:42,300 I had a moment of clarity, basically my drunkest moment, 312 00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:45,140 I had a moment of clarity and the tears are pouring from me. 313 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,740 The relief had been running, it became my mystery 314 00:12:47,740 --> 00:12:49,860 and what a great thing that's turned into me. 315 00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:51,580 What a blessing that has turned out to be, 316 00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:54,620 can be defeated, something, you know, you know those, 317 00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:57,980 there's a t-shirt where like a stork is swallowing a frog 318 00:12:57,980 --> 00:13:00,100 and the frog is choking the stork on the way down, 319 00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,100 says, never again, that's the way I was. 320 00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,580 But what a powerful thing that we learned 321 00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:06,300 in this first step to surrender. 322 00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:09,740 Stop clinging on to the old notions and the old ideas 323 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:12,620 and the self will and finally gain access to a power 324 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:15,380 other than our power, a power that can help us 325 00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:17,620 quit drinking again and do something different. 326 00:13:17,620 --> 00:13:22,620 So, I'm brought down to Hill Street and I'm sitting on, 327 00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:26,460 you know, they move you, I'm laying on the floor, 328 00:13:26,460 --> 00:13:29,860 I'm in a black turtleneck and I'm down, down on Hill Street 329 00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:32,260 with really nice shoes and I'm like, oh wow, 330 00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:33,540 I really think I'm something, don't I? 331 00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:35,500 And, you know, I was thought I was looking, 332 00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:38,260 and I'm, you know, they move you from place to place, 333 00:13:38,260 --> 00:13:39,580 so you don't get too comfortable. 334 00:13:39,580 --> 00:13:42,500 And I'm at one point on like, I'm so, so out of, 335 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,820 but they put me on a bottom bunk and I'm looking 336 00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:46,940 at the top bunk and I see a cockroach there 337 00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:50,900 and I'm like, we're the same, we're the same. 338 00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:54,700 And my wife, who was nine months pregnant, 339 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:57,820 was due in one week with our second child, 340 00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:00,820 comes down in our little Mazda 323 to Hill Street 341 00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:04,180 and picks me up and I make that long walk and she's there 342 00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:08,340 and I'm the painter and she's got, 343 00:14:08,340 --> 00:14:11,900 she's got a note written to me on yellow note paper, 344 00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:16,460 that's my note paper, this is my paper, yellow paper, 345 00:14:16,460 --> 00:14:19,500 this special paper for writing on, this is what I write on, 346 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:22,460 my paper, she's taking my paper to get my attention 347 00:14:22,460 --> 00:14:23,900 and write on that yellow paper, 348 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:25,420 a dear breath letter, basically. 349 00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:28,460 And I'm like, wow, why didn't you say, 350 00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:30,300 you know, she said, this has been going on, 351 00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:31,900 she's been seeing this, she's seeing this, 352 00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:34,580 but this has been watched, why didn't you say something? 353 00:14:34,580 --> 00:14:35,500 Why didn't you say something? 354 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,380 What could she say? 355 00:14:36,380 --> 00:14:38,620 I mean, I come to find out a couple of days later, 356 00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:41,380 I think we're about a week into it and she said, you know, 357 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,940 this past week is the most approachable 358 00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:45,460 you've been in months. 359 00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:46,900 I had become unapproachable, 360 00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:49,420 but I wasn't what I was aiming for in this life, 361 00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:51,260 become an unapproachable being. 362 00:14:51,260 --> 00:14:52,860 I was hoping to do something decent, 363 00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,580 but I thought it was, you know, based on personality. 364 00:14:55,580 --> 00:14:58,100 And we learned personality's no good here. 365 00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:01,140 We have to learn not live by principles. 366 00:15:01,140 --> 00:15:04,620 And so God worked it out that our neighbor, 367 00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:08,380 when we moved here in 1997, 368 00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:10,980 our neighbor had 17 years since the bride, I knew that, 369 00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:13,780 what a great guy, man, that guy's an awesome guy, 370 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:17,220 17 years sober, good for you, man, wow. 371 00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:19,100 And I have talks and I'm like, I couldn't understand, 372 00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:23,300 why is he so nice, why does he know so much? 373 00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:26,140 And he talked me through all my problems all the time, 374 00:15:26,140 --> 00:15:27,700 you know, and it worked out. 375 00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:30,180 We were friends with them, he and his wife, 376 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:32,620 and God had worked it out that they were showing up 377 00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:36,100 the next day after I got my DUI to come have dinner. 378 00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:38,580 I'm saying, I gotta tell John, I tell John what happened. 379 00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,020 So he comes over and I tell him what happened. 380 00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:43,180 And he just sat and he just listened to the whole thing. 381 00:15:43,180 --> 00:15:45,140 And at the end, he stood up and he put his hand 382 00:15:45,140 --> 00:15:45,980 on my shoulder and he said, 383 00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:47,500 "You don't have to go through this alone." 384 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:48,340 And that was true. 385 00:15:48,340 --> 00:15:50,420 And I was alone, I was utterly, 386 00:15:50,420 --> 00:15:52,340 that's the world I had created for myself. 387 00:15:52,340 --> 00:15:53,180 One that was alone. 388 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:57,100 So he said, "You know, we got a meeting on Tuesday night 389 00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,940 "and I've got a big book in the car. 390 00:15:58,940 --> 00:16:00,660 "If you want to read, you know, 391 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,140 "read the first 164 pages, see what you, you know, 392 00:16:03,140 --> 00:16:04,100 "see what you'd relate to. 393 00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:05,940 "And I'll come and I'll pick you up on, 394 00:16:05,940 --> 00:16:07,820 "I'll come pick you up, take you to the meeting on Tuesday." 395 00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:12,020 Okay, now I had, part of my story when I was in New York, 396 00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:15,660 I had gone, I had become part of a fundamentalist church 397 00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:16,660 for three months. 398 00:16:16,660 --> 00:16:19,900 It was one of my attempts to find myself. 399 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,300 I had, I had quit other things. 400 00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:25,420 I hadn't, somehow I had quit Coke on my own. 401 00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:29,300 So I thought I had power, you know, if you can do that, 402 00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:31,460 alcohol can't get me, I quit Coke, you know. 403 00:16:31,460 --> 00:16:33,460 But I was empty at that point. 404 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:36,260 It was already that sort of, so those symptoms of emptiness. 405 00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:39,220 And I became part of this fundamentalist thing, 406 00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:43,340 which I then left because I couldn't, the hoop was very, 407 00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:46,580 very, very, very small to get to God. 408 00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:48,700 And I just didn't, I couldn't do it. 409 00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:49,820 I couldn't consistently do it. 410 00:16:49,820 --> 00:16:52,700 I did it, I got there, but I couldn't keep doing it. 411 00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:56,740 It felt, to me, I just felt like God didn't make 412 00:16:56,740 --> 00:16:59,660 those harder terms is what we come to learn here. 413 00:16:59,660 --> 00:17:01,180 Didn't make those harder terms. 414 00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:03,500 So I ran, I ran away, I ran away from that. 415 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,820 So when I got here and I'm like, right away I see steps 416 00:17:06,820 --> 00:17:09,820 and I'm thinking about, oh no, more doctrine. 417 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:13,060 I follow this doctrine again, oh, what do I have to do? 418 00:17:13,060 --> 00:17:15,860 So I had, and having grown up in an alcohol family, 419 00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:18,940 many of them went to a, I had a lot of prejudice, 420 00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:20,940 a lot of prejudice against the program. 421 00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:23,500 Preconceived ideas, old ideas, prejudice, yeah, 422 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,820 that's what prejudice is, it's nothing but old ideas, 423 00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:27,220 like Joe and Charlie say, right? 424 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:30,380 It's nothing but old, we got old ideas. 425 00:17:30,380 --> 00:17:34,540 We have to be willing to sort of let go of those old ideas 426 00:17:34,540 --> 00:17:38,060 in favor of operating on new ideas. 427 00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:41,980 And we've got fellows around you, we've got the big book 428 00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:44,180 and we've got living examples of people who show us 429 00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:45,260 how to do those things. 430 00:17:45,260 --> 00:17:48,340 So I got to that first meeting and I, and before, 431 00:17:48,340 --> 00:17:51,900 I remember he shut off the car where he had a Vanagon, 432 00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:55,500 a Volkswagen Vanagon, and he said, okay, 433 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:56,820 you're not gonna relate to everything you're hearing, 434 00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:59,220 but just listen for the similarities. 435 00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:02,140 And I did, and I felt at home. 436 00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:05,420 Now, in the little bit of time that when I said, 437 00:18:05,420 --> 00:18:06,660 I said, are you an alcoholic? 438 00:18:06,660 --> 00:18:08,180 Remember, they pulled me over and said, are you alcoholic? 439 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:09,860 I had already started to take a little bit 440 00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:11,580 of self-will back, figuring out, well, 441 00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:13,180 maybe if they just, you know, 442 00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:15,940 maybe if they just give me the right information, 443 00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:17,860 I'll be able to figure this thing out. 444 00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:20,060 I'll be able to, I'll be able to do it on my own thing. 445 00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:21,820 Don't give me just a little information, 446 00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:23,660 but I probably don't need everything 447 00:18:23,660 --> 00:18:25,060 you guys are talking about. 448 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:27,060 So I didn't, I had a hard time, I didn't even, 449 00:18:27,060 --> 00:18:28,780 I didn't even identify as an alcoholic 450 00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:30,540 in my first nine meetings. 451 00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:33,420 After that, then I did, and what a relief that was 452 00:18:33,420 --> 00:18:35,740 to say the words out loud, I'm an alcoholic. 453 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,260 And I say it now, not all the time, 454 00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:39,900 but I say it frequently that I am convinced. 455 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,460 I have admitted to my innermost self. 456 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:43,820 I am convinced, and it's taken some real time 457 00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:46,220 to come to my innermost self, but that's what I am. 458 00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:47,740 That's what I'm gonna be dealing with every day. 459 00:18:47,740 --> 00:18:50,180 No matter, my life is still unmet. 460 00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:51,380 I'm 21 years sober. 461 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,140 My life is still unmanaged by me. 462 00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:55,820 Sober, not while drunk, while sober. 463 00:18:55,820 --> 00:18:58,220 I need the help of some spiritual principles, 464 00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:00,620 of some fellows who are, and the fellowship, 465 00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:02,740 people who are doing the same thing, you know, 466 00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:04,940 who have tried these things, what they're, 467 00:19:04,940 --> 00:19:07,060 the problems that they're facing in their lives, 468 00:19:07,060 --> 00:19:09,300 they've gone through what I'm going through now, 469 00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:10,340 and have come out the other side, 470 00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:11,740 have walked through it somehow. 471 00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,620 With some degree of peace of mind, 472 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,340 or at least not making things worse, 473 00:19:15,340 --> 00:19:16,820 they've done that successfully. 474 00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:18,140 I need those examples. 475 00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:21,860 So I listened, I identified, and I did feel at home, 476 00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:24,700 and I came back, and I can say that, you know, 477 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:27,940 I got a sponsor, I sponsor people, 478 00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:31,780 I've sponsored a number of guys over the years, 479 00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:34,620 still sponsoring guys, at this experience. 480 00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:36,940 And I've seen it in others, that something happens 481 00:19:36,940 --> 00:19:39,940 every time somebody actually takes the steps. 482 00:19:39,940 --> 00:19:41,660 There is a transformation that takes place. 483 00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:43,620 Something happens faster than something happens slower. 484 00:19:43,620 --> 00:19:46,580 But it's amazing to watch, like, somebody who you're around, 485 00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:47,980 you get to be a part of their circle, 486 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:49,100 and you see them going through, 487 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,180 and growing through this program. 488 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,420 And all of a sudden they take it this step, 489 00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:54,140 and all of a sudden something changes. 490 00:19:54,140 --> 00:19:55,940 Well, took a misstep, you know, 491 00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:58,500 you get to actually see these things change the person 492 00:19:58,500 --> 00:19:59,660 as they go through it, you know. 493 00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:01,060 What else can I say? 494 00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:02,940 So that's what it was like, 495 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:05,700 and self-centered, and self-seeking to film, 496 00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:07,700 developing that constant thought of others. 497 00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:09,860 I mean, how does the conveyor belt change? 498 00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,980 And when I was on the tape, I was always on the tape. 499 00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:12,820 How does it go like this? 500 00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,460 How do you get it to do it like this? 501 00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:15,940 Well, unfortunately, we got people who tell us, 502 00:20:15,940 --> 00:20:17,540 you know, it's action, action is a thing. 503 00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:18,380 We get into action. 504 00:20:18,380 --> 00:20:21,420 We help each other by saying we make suggestions. 505 00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:22,700 No, this worked for me. 506 00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:24,980 We only suggest things that work for us, 507 00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:26,140 that have worked for others. 508 00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:27,740 And then we put them in a play and we see, 509 00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:28,780 put it to the test. 510 00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:30,420 It doesn't have to be figured out. 511 00:20:30,420 --> 00:20:32,180 We don't have to think this thing through. 512 00:20:32,180 --> 00:20:33,380 It's just a matter of doing it. 513 00:20:33,380 --> 00:20:34,860 And then that changes. 514 00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:38,180 It changes the thinking and it changes the whole outside. 515 00:20:38,180 --> 00:20:40,380 The outside circumstances change. 516 00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:43,300 You know, what I can tell you from my experience is, 517 00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:46,220 you know, one of the greatest gifts of this deal 518 00:20:46,220 --> 00:20:48,020 is the change. 519 00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:49,540 I told you about how bitter I was. 520 00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:51,180 I couldn't find anything. 521 00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:52,620 You know, I come in here and you guys say, 522 00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:55,860 I'm a great, say I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic. 523 00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:56,700 Wow, what? 524 00:20:56,700 --> 00:21:00,140 That has gotta be the dumbest thing anybody could say. 525 00:21:00,140 --> 00:21:01,980 You're grateful that you're here. 526 00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:03,380 You're doing all that stuff. 527 00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:06,380 And then, you know, over time you come to learn, 528 00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:08,740 wow, well, gratitude is not just an emotion. 529 00:21:08,740 --> 00:21:10,300 It's also a tool. 530 00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:13,060 Something that we put into practice, 531 00:21:13,060 --> 00:21:17,420 that something happens, that gratitude and self-pity 532 00:21:17,420 --> 00:21:19,980 can exist in the person at the same time. 533 00:21:19,980 --> 00:21:21,180 This is what I was told. 534 00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:24,420 So if I'm in self-pity and I'm having a bad day, 535 00:21:24,420 --> 00:21:26,580 the thing is, pull out the gratitude list. 536 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:28,700 Get the gratitude list, go through that gratitude list. 537 00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:30,860 By the time you get to five on your list, 538 00:21:30,860 --> 00:21:32,940 or maybe you need more, maybe 10, 539 00:21:32,940 --> 00:21:37,100 suddenly your eyes begin to see things to be grateful for. 540 00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:38,860 A lot of times, one thing I'll do, thank you, 541 00:21:38,860 --> 00:21:41,700 one of the things what I'll do is I'll just go, 542 00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:42,900 I just have to start saying, 543 00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:45,460 if I'm disturbed and I get disturbed, 544 00:21:45,460 --> 00:21:46,580 I still get disturbed. 545 00:21:46,580 --> 00:21:49,300 21 years is right, I get disturbed, I get disturbed, 546 00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:53,140 certainly weekly, sometimes daily, today, 547 00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:54,700 this day, this day, this day, 548 00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:56,540 this is a part of life on life's terms. 549 00:21:56,540 --> 00:21:58,260 These disturbances are also, 550 00:21:58,260 --> 00:22:00,060 according to the spiritual axiom, 551 00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:01,860 these are the opportunities for my growth 552 00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:04,700 because it's more of me that's in the way. 553 00:22:04,700 --> 00:22:06,100 This is why I'm disturbed. 554 00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:07,140 I'm not here, guess what? 555 00:22:07,140 --> 00:22:08,260 There's no disturbance. 556 00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,620 I'm the one, I'm playing a part in this disturbance. 557 00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:12,500 So when these things come up, 558 00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:14,940 that's the opportunity for me to look at them 559 00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:16,740 and then talk to other people 560 00:22:16,740 --> 00:22:19,060 and see what I can do to change those things. 561 00:22:19,060 --> 00:22:21,460 So what I was gonna say is all that bitterness, 562 00:22:21,460 --> 00:22:24,020 somehow through the practice of these, 563 00:22:24,020 --> 00:22:26,940 through taking the 12 steps, through working with others 564 00:22:26,940 --> 00:22:29,180 and doing what you guys have suggested, 565 00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:32,740 suddenly now my level of appreciation for the world 566 00:22:32,740 --> 00:22:33,860 is completely different. 567 00:22:33,860 --> 00:22:36,660 And when I have those moments where I'm in self-pity 568 00:22:36,660 --> 00:22:38,140 or I'm angry or whatever, 569 00:22:38,140 --> 00:22:39,940 I can start just saying, thank you, thank you, 570 00:22:39,940 --> 00:22:40,980 thank you, thank you, thank you. 571 00:22:40,980 --> 00:22:41,820 Something happens. 572 00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:43,300 Sometimes I have to say it several times. 573 00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:44,140 I'll say it over again. 574 00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:46,420 And pretty soon also my eye will catch something 575 00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:48,060 that there is to be thankful for 576 00:22:48,060 --> 00:22:49,540 and I'll start to change my mind. 577 00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:51,700 So my level of appreciation for this world, 578 00:22:51,700 --> 00:22:54,860 it's no longer an either world as the world is. 579 00:22:54,860 --> 00:22:57,500 I'm not seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, 580 00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,300 but I can see that along with the negative, 581 00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:02,100 along with all this bad stuff, 582 00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:05,540 there's a lot of great stuff to be appreciated 583 00:23:05,540 --> 00:23:06,740 and to be thankful for. 584 00:23:06,740 --> 00:23:09,140 And this is the whole play of this life. 585 00:23:09,140 --> 00:23:11,220 These things that to not let, 586 00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:13,740 to not get too high and not to get too low, 587 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:16,460 but to just that no matter what we're facing, 588 00:23:16,460 --> 00:23:17,940 that we can face these things 589 00:23:17,940 --> 00:23:19,700 and go through these things. 590 00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:22,580 The most difficult things with some degree of peace of mind 591 00:23:22,580 --> 00:23:26,020 that's available to us through the help of each other. 592 00:23:26,020 --> 00:23:28,420 So with my remaining minute, 593 00:23:28,420 --> 00:23:30,660 again, I guess I'll just say that, 594 00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:31,740 I'll reiterate what I said. 595 00:23:31,740 --> 00:23:36,420 It was the last place I wanted to be 596 00:23:36,420 --> 00:23:37,820 and I thought it was the worst bet. 597 00:23:37,820 --> 00:23:39,220 I can tell you right now. 598 00:23:39,220 --> 00:23:40,340 So my priorities changed. 599 00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:42,180 Also, let me just go back to that. 600 00:23:42,180 --> 00:23:43,420 My priorities changed. 601 00:23:43,420 --> 00:23:45,060 My priority now is, 602 00:23:45,060 --> 00:23:48,100 I was told here, get the program and God 603 00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:50,300 or God and the program, one or two. 604 00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:51,820 It doesn't matter which one, which way it goes. 605 00:23:51,820 --> 00:23:53,100 Just do it one way or another. 606 00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:57,460 So for me, it's God, AA, then my family, then my career. 607 00:23:57,460 --> 00:23:59,660 So my career went from number one to number four, 608 00:23:59,660 --> 00:24:02,540 got a better deal at number four than it did at number one. 609 00:24:02,540 --> 00:24:05,260 My family went from number two to number three, 610 00:24:05,260 --> 00:24:07,420 still getting a better deal at number three 611 00:24:07,420 --> 00:24:08,460 than they were at number two. 612 00:24:08,460 --> 00:24:09,980 That's just the way it is for me 613 00:24:09,980 --> 00:24:12,260 because I made, I got my priorities straight. 614 00:24:12,260 --> 00:24:14,900 I'm here to try to help to grow in effectiveness, 615 00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:16,820 try to help another alcoholic who suffers, 616 00:24:16,820 --> 00:24:18,260 fellow alcoholic who suffers, 617 00:24:18,260 --> 00:24:20,060 to afford them the freedom that's been given to me, 618 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:21,460 to other people who've gone before. 619 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,860 And it ends up being, when you go through it, 620 00:24:23,860 --> 00:24:25,700 when you do go through it, if you've had, 621 00:24:25,700 --> 00:24:27,580 if you do it, maybe you already have this experience. 622 00:24:27,580 --> 00:24:28,940 How awesome, how awesome a thing. 623 00:24:28,940 --> 00:24:31,860 It becomes a natural thing that when you become free, 624 00:24:31,860 --> 00:24:34,180 it's a natural progression that you begin 625 00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:35,740 to help others become free as well. 626 00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:37,340 We owe, we owe, to give what we can. 627 00:24:37,340 --> 00:24:38,180 Not anyone's gonna help. 628 00:24:38,180 --> 00:24:40,540 Some of us have to die in order for some of us to stay 629 00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:41,900 and it is sad, but that's the nature 630 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:42,860 of the thing we're up against. 631 00:24:42,860 --> 00:24:44,060 And we love them anyway. 632 00:24:44,060 --> 00:24:46,460 (indistinct) 633 00:24:46,460 --> 00:24:56,060 - I'll text you and just let you know that it's my name. 634 00:24:56,060 --> 00:24:56,900 - Yes, perfect. 635 00:24:56,900 --> 00:24:59,740 - Let me think about- 636 00:24:59,740 --> 00:25:00,580 - No worries.