1
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 and I am an alcoholic.

2
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:02,240
 - Hi Yola.

3
00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:03,760
 - It's good to be here.

4
00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:07,000
 Let me see, I used to come here to quality of life

5
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,640
 when it was out there.

6
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 And guess what?

7
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,040
 That's exactly, I'm an alcoholic.

8
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:13,800
 I just go there.

9
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 You gave me an address,

10
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,320
 but I'm gonna go where I know where it's at.

11
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,360
 I don't know what you guys are talking about.

12
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,680
 You gave me, Scott gave me an address

13
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:25,160
 and I end up over there in the old place.

14
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,040
 That's a place that I knew when it was very new.

15
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 And so I lived in the area and I was just telling,

16
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,800
 thank you, Scott, for inviting me to participate

17
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,280
 in my recovery.

18
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,880
 I was remembering when we came over here

19
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 from license session.

20
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:46,400
 So we kind of follow the groups and they close

21
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,600
 and they open and we move with them.

22
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:53,440
 So only my mind is not so swift, I'm still stuck over there,

23
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,120
 but it's good to be here.

24
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,680
 And it's good to be sober, grateful to be sober

25
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,040
 and grateful to be alive.

26
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:03,240
 My sobriety date is July the sixth, 1998.

27
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:04,840
 I come from the Pacoima group,

28
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,040
 you know, kind of, you know, I move around

29
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,680
 like a good alcoholic.

30
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,120
 And Esther is my sponsor.

31
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,800
 She has been my sponsor for many years.

32
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,760
 Now I have the time that I have,

33
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,160
 but I just wanna tell you that this program works.

34
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 It works even if you have to keep coming back.

35
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 I was listening to you, Bill,

36
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,040
 thank you for sharing your story.

37
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:28,920
 That it does, I don't know about you as an alcoholic,

38
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 but I know that I had to get all those things

39
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,800
 out of the way because I was young.

40
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,400
 I was 29 or 30 when I started coming

41
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,280
 to Alcoholics Anonymous.

42
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,520
 I, you know, I mean, I would get a year

43
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,320
 and I'm, you know, being cloud and I'm good

44
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:48,600
 and everything's, and you know, I'm all excited about AA.

45
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,800
 You know, I loved AA.

46
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,080
 I went to a lot of meetings.

47
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,280
 I had a lot of commitments, you guys.

48
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,600
 Went out, when shit hit the fan,

49
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,520
 I was going to three meetings a day.

50
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:01,600
 So in the first 90 days, I was at 180 meetings.

51
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 I knew where to go.

52
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 And for that, I am grateful,

53
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,200
 even if I hadn't taken the first step.

54
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,600
 I used to go to, well, I went all over the place.

55
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:16,000
 I'm sorry, Burbank was one of my groups, you know,

56
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,480
 and that's the first time that I started going to AA.

57
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,440
 And it was, I was sober for two years, two years.

58
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,480
 I had commitments as a secretary.

59
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,320
 I made the best coffee in Burbank, you guys.

60
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 Coffee was always my commitment and I was good at it,

61
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,680
 you know, and the only thing that I didn't do,

62
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 you guys, was I didn't take these steps.

63
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,120
 I was afraid to ask these beautiful women.

64
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 It was like 50, 60 women on a women's meeting day

65
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 and I would not, you know, I would hear

66
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 what the steps were on the wall and I go, wow.

67
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 They're simple, but I didn't understand it.

68
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 I didn't understand, I'm powerless over alcohol

69
00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:58,920
 and my life is a manager.

70
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,800
 What the hell does that mean, what does it mean?

71
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 You know, but before I get there,

72
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,040
 in my confusion of my alcoholism,

73
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 I'm gonna tell you where I came from.

74
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 I come from a large Mexican family, you know,

75
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 and I guess my mom celebrated Mexican

76
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 or Hispanic heritage month every year

77
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 because she had a kid every year.

78
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 We're 11, we're 11 and sometimes she would throw

79
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 twins in there, you know, so she would have them by two

80
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 and you know, my father died when I was a little girl,

81
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,880
 maybe about one or two years old.

82
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,560
 I never met, I never knew him, I knew he was my dad

83
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 'cause he was the dad of all the rest of them.

84
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 I'm in the middle, I'm number six in this place.

85
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 He died, he went to Mexico and he was gonna get the cure,

86
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 whatever the illness was, I don't know, I was little.

87
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 So he was gonna come back and be a dad

88
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 and he died out there in Mexico.

89
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 So my mom waited a few years, he said he was coming

90
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 but he didn't come so she married again

91
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,440
 and she had five more kids.

92
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,200
 This is where the twins come in, is that right?

93
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:05,080
 This is where the twins come in and we lived on welfare.

94
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,760
 This is a long time ago, okay guys?

95
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,640
 I don't even think they had food stamps yet

96
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,920
 but they did have welfare and God knows

97
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,880
 that my mom needed that help.

98
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,960
 We all grew up and shame was one of those things

99
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,560
 that I grew up with because there was never enough,

100
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,360
 never enough food, never enough of anything.

101
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,880
 But it was life, I didn't know any better.

102
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,920
 When you don't know any better, you don't want anymore

103
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,880
 because you have what you have and that's it.

104
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,400
 So what we had, as we were growing up,

105
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:38,760
 was a lot of parties.

106
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:41,160
 My mom had nine girls and two boys

107
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 and we had a lot of girls, you know, first thing we knew

108
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,560
 was go to school, maybe finish, maybe not,

109
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,720
 more than likely not, get pregnant, maybe get married,

110
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,280
 maybe not, depending on that shotgun coming out,

111
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:57,520
 you know, the shotgun weddings, maybe we got married,

112
00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,640
 maybe not, it just all depends, you know, hit and miss

113
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,640
 but there was a lot of kids and there was a lot of parties

114
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,600
 because there was a lot of baptisms,

115
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,640
 you know, a lot of baby showers, a lot of keg,

116
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 two or three kegs in the bathtub with ice

117
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 and that's where the party was, you know,

118
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 and they brought the bottles of Bacardi from Mexico

119
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 'cause I come from the border town of Mexico

120
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,080
 and the United States, it was down in the desert.

121
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,560
 I know everybody knows where Coachella is, right?

122
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,160
 Well, I come from, you go further than that

123
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 and it's a little desert town and there was a border

124
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 and if you cross that border, magic happens.

125
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 You could buy alcohol at any age.

126
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,360
 I was 13 and I started buying my bottles of Bacardi

127
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 and in those days, it was in the '60s,

128
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 it wasn't legal to cross the border with them.

129
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 It was like crossing drug but I had an idea

130
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 and I wanted a party and I started partying

131
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 and if I didn't see it around, I could go get it myself.

132
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,280
 I'll cross the border and I would go to the liquor store,

133
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 give me my bottle of Bacardi, stash it somewhere

134
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 and close the border, like, you know,

135
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,640
 I looked like this little kid, I was skinny, dark

136
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 and I looked like I was 10 when I was 13

137
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,360
 and cross the border and just party

138
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 and just became the big shot

139
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 because I would give my friends little bits of Bacardi,

140
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 you know, and they thought I was all that, you know.

141
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,720
 I wasn't, I just wanted it for me

142
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,960
 but I started drinking at that time.

143
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,480
 I didn't do too well in school

144
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,760
 so, you know, I did do a lot of ditching

145
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 and I took a lot of hostages across the border

146
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,000
 but so that we can party, you know,

147
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,280
 go to the bars and drink that stinky beer

148
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,040
 that they sell, 25 cents a pitcher

149
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:44,000
 and it was like they took it out of the toilet, boy.

150
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,480
 It was awful but they told me it was beer so I drank it.

151
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,320
 You know, it didn't matter to me and you know what,

152
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,760
 in my alcoholism, in my drinking,

153
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,400
 it never caught any better.

154
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,320
 You know, I started drinking Tokay Ripple.

155
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,960
 Come on, that's vinyl property right there.

156
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:04,920
 They'll fight you for about a bottle of Ripple and Tokay

157
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,560
 and that kind of nasty little bottles are green

158
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:12,320
 but they're good, you know, and I drank that.

159
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,000
 I drank the lowest of the lowest in, you know, Ciscos

160
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,760
 when I didn't have any alcohol, the Ciscos was good enough

161
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 and it's the awfulest.

162
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,520
 I don't know, I didn't like it but I drank it

163
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,160
 'cause I was looking for that effect.

164
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,960
 I think of going all over, it was a long period

165
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,720
 of drinking of what it was like.

166
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:35,040
 I crossed that line, they call it an invisible line

167
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:39,120
 that we cross when we drink as Bill was talking about

168
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 that we try to control and enjoy it

169
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,040
 because we really wanna enjoy the alcohol.

170
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:48,520
 We want the party to last but there comes those hangovers

171
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,320
 and those blackouts and those throwing up in front of

172
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 and other people's cars.

173
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,080
 After a while, they didn't wanna invite me

174
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,800
 and I was only 18, you know.

175
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,720
 I was a lower companion at that time.

176
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,360
 I thought it was because I didn't know how to control

177
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 and I didn't know how to drink.

178
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,440
 I was learning, don't you see, that when I was out there,

179
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,520
 I was learning how to drink, how much to drink,

180
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,680
 when to stop and of course, as the beat goes on,

181
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,440
 we don't stop, it keeps going.

182
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,560
 I would drink bottles of Spaniarda, you know.

183
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,680
 I don't know that they make those wines.

184
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:20,800
 I really don't know.

185
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,520
 I thought they maybe we drank them all

186
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,520
 in the 60s and 70s, you know.

187
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,480
 I don't know that they're still, you know,

188
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,920
 strawberry kills and all of those things, I mean.

189
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,640
 I was like, whatever you got, I'll drink.

190
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,960
 I didn't like, I didn't like beer but I drank it

191
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,600
 'cause I wanted the effect, you know.

192
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,720
 You understand that I was in a lot of pain and confusion

193
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,720
 when I was a teenager and I didn't ask for help

194
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,040
 and anybody, I didn't tell anybody the secret's here

195
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,840
 and the secret's mine and I wouldn't tell anybody.

196
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:50,680
 So when I grew up, as I was growing,

197
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:54,320
 I met this guy and he was going to Vietnam.

198
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,840
 He's the father of my daughter, there's my daughter

199
00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:00,680
 right here and he was going to Vietnam when he came back.

200
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:04,360
 Of course, I went along like my siblings did.

201
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,960
 I just get engaged and do those things

202
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,880
 and have, you know, bridal showers and bridal this

203
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:10,720
 and get married.

204
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,000
 I got pregnant first.

205
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,920
 This is, that's the course of the way we do it

206
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:18,520
 and it's a culture thing, I think, for my family anyway

207
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,440
 and then so I threatened the guy.

208
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,800
 'Cause he didn't want to get married.

209
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,240
 He had just gotten out of Vietnam.

210
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,200
 You know, he wanted to party and drink

211
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,840
 and do all that good stuff, you know.

212
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,640
 I was his drinking buddy, so that was fun,

213
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,160
 but the other part about being responsible

214
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,200
 once I got pregnant, my mom was upset.

215
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,560
 She said, "What are you going to do?

216
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:37,800
 "Why did you get pregnant?"

217
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,240
 You know, and I told the dad, I said,

218
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,000
 "You know, if you don't marry me,

219
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,600
 "my mom wants me to get married.

220
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,700
 "My mom wants somebody to be responsible.

221
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:49,440
 "If you don't marry me, you'll never see that kid

222
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,160
 "and his name will be my last name

223
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,400
 "and you don't have to be responsible

224
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,880
 "and you'll never see me again or your kid."

225
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,240
 That was pretty threatening, I thought.

226
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,360
 I mean, if I, if you don't get that as a dad, you know,

227
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,000
 then you ain't, you're not going to get anything.

228
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:04,840
 You don't care, right?

229
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,200
 So he married me, you know.

230
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,520
 I had to pull out my own shotgun.

231
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:08,880
 "You gonna marry me or what?"

232
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,560
 (laughing)

233
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,840
 Went home to mama, mama, I'm married.

234
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,120
 And she was very happy.

235
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,560
 Now I know that that was, he was my drinking buddy.

236
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,240
 You know, we drank together and we had three kids.

237
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:22,760
 Martina's being the baby, but you know, it was awful.

238
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,520
 It crossed that line, that invisible line.

239
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,280
 Who knows which one it is?

240
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,200
 It's the one where you just don't give a damn.

241
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,080
 You know, I didn't care about me.

242
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:33,280
 I didn't care about you.

243
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:34,760
 I didn't care about him.

244
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,800
 After I took out that shotgun, I wanted to put it back.

245
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,040
 I said, "Why did I do that?"

246
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,320
 You know, take it back.

247
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,600
 But I couldn't do that.

248
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,440
 I was not responsible, accountable.

249
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:45,720
 I couldn't be a good mom.

250
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,000
 I wasn't a good mom.

251
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,080
 I did my best.

252
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,120
 You don't understand.

253
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,440
 I did my best and that's the best I could do.

254
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,640
 And I hurt these kids along the way.

255
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,480
 You know, I want to call it for what it is.

256
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,160
 I don't want to say that, well,

257
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,480
 I left them with their kids, with their dad,

258
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,000
 so they can be better taken care of, you know?

259
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,200
 As I was going out from here to do my own stuff.

260
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,560
 And now what I do is call it for what it is,

261
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,640
 because it's what it is, the truth,

262
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,600
 the honesty that set me free.

263
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,840
 And I know it can happen for you too.

264
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,400
 I call it for what it is.

265
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,480
 I abandoned these children, you know?

266
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,680
 And I was selfish and self-centered and I was insane.

267
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,560
 And I couldn't do any better.

268
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,760
 I did talk to a lady that had a lot of time,

269
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,160
 30 years in the program.

270
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:33,080
 And I said, I did this and what mother would do that?

271
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,400
 What mother would do that?

272
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,240
 And she said, a sick mother would.

273
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,800
 A mother that has an illness

274
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,680
 and it's called, in your case, alcoholism.

275
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,440
 She said, and I don't know if it's true, I got to look it up.

276
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,040
 And this is many years later.

277
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:50,840
 She said, when a mother is ill and sick

278
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,280
 and she has her young,

279
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,960
 she takes a young and put them in a safe place.

280
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,400
 And she goes out to die and go, really?

281
00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,880
 You know, then I didn't feel bad.

282
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,000
 So bad, not so bad, you know, because I go, I'm sick.

283
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,880
 And if they're with their death, they're okay, you know?

284
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:10,080
 Finally, thank you God, I got sober for two years.

285
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,480
 I had commitments, like I said, I was a secretary.

286
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,200
 I was in every meeting doing HNI, all kinds of stuff,

287
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,280
 you know, that didn't stop me from drinking

288
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,360
 from a time that I got thirsty.

289
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,120
 I'm 4th of July as I am right now.

290
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,080
 I got thirsty on 4th of July and I was sober two years.

291
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,640
 And then I know that I never took these steps,

292
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,320
 that I never practiced these principles,

293
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,040
 that I never really understood that book,

294
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,080
 even though I read it,

295
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:38,040
 that I needed somebody to take me through the book

296
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,360
 and see what does this mean?

297
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,000
 How, the how, you know?

298
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,440
 I didn't understand.

299
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,480
 And just like in school, when I was in school,

300
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,320
 I didn't get it.

301
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,560
 And I wasn't gonna ask you, you might think I'm dumb.

302
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,520
 You know, I was not gonna ask you.

303
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,960
 I was going to figure it out.

304
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,280
 And I couldn't, I couldn't figure it out.

305
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:59,200
 I finally, like I came back home and I got sober.

306
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,840
 My sponsor one time, same sponsor, okay?

307
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,920
 She tried to sponsor me and get me sober

308
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,840
 and try to get her best as a sponsor does.

309
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,880
 I was working at this DUI school.

310
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,880
 That's what I do, a DUI professional.

311
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,200
 You know, 'cause I drank and drove perfectly.

312
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,320
 And if you can't drink and drive,

313
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,240
 don't get in the car and bother with that

314
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:19,680
 because you're gonna get a DUI.

315
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:21,840
 But now I'm a counselor and I can say that.

316
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,240
 You know, I used to drink and drive with one eye.

317
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,800
 But anyway, that's not what I was gonna teach you, okay?

318
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,040
 I was gonna teach you that it's dangerous.

319
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:31,880
 It's dangerous.

320
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,400
 And I still do the same work that I did then.

321
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,920
 My sponsor, I was, I used to smoke in those days

322
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,040
 and I was outside smoking with my daughter and my coworker.

323
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,960
 And we're outside taking a break, you know, smoking,

324
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,880
 looking at an olive in Burbank.

325
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,760
 And my sponsor starts walking.

326
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:47,760
 I wasn't in the program.

327
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,480
 I was like in between slips, 10 years in and out.

328
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,280
 You guys, there comes my sponsor.

329
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:55,040
 She's walking and I go, "Whoa, where can I hide?

330
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,080
 "I can't hide, you know, I'm already out here."

331
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,400
 So I had to go meet her and say,

332
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,560
 "Hi Esther, what are you doing here?"

333
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,440
 And she says, "Oh, well, I was just in the neighborhood."

334
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,200
 Come on, she's from Pacoima or from North Hills,

335
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,680
 from this other area.

336
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,040
 I was in Burbank and I said, "What are you doing here?"

337
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,720
 And she goes, "I just was in this area, I was walking by

338
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,920
 "and I just wanted to see if you're okay, how are you doing?"

339
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,480
 I said, "Wow, I couldn't believe it."

340
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,280
 I could not believe that somebody would care enough

341
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,480
 to come by and see if I'm still alive, I guess.

342
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,320
 How am I doing?

343
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:26,680
 And I said, "Oh, that's nice."

344
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,280
 I didn't know where to hide.

345
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:32,800
 But finally, finally, once I had to drop off these kids

346
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,760
 and was out there for five years, I came crawling back.

347
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,480
 I did ask my sponsor, how does this work?

348
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,760
 I need to go through these steps, like only the dying will,

349
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,320
 because I can't play anymore.

350
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:48,880
 I'm not 20 or 30, I'm 40 or whatever.

351
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,840
 I have to get this program or I'm gonna die.

352
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,880
 My doctor, I used to go to the doctor, I was really good.

353
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,440
 You check my blood and yeah, your enzymes are high.

354
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,000
 And I would go like, "Oh, okay."

355
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,920
 She goes, "What do you need?"

356
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:04,120
 I said, "Oh, I need to go into detox."

357
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,240
 So I was always in detox, I like detox.

358
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,000
 'Cause you rest, you kick back and you just,

359
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,240
 they take care of you for three days or five days.

360
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,840
 They feed you, they shoot you up with vitamins

361
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,400
 and they take you to meetings every day.

362
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,040
 But then they kick you out with big book

363
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,400
 and 12 and 12 and say, "Bye."

364
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,400
 I mean, $8,000 big book, but yeah.

365
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,960
 But I liked those detox.

366
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,200
 It wasn't happening for me anymore.

367
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:32,280
 My doctor said, "Do you," and here's where it goes.

368
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,320
 My doctor said, "Do you want to, for me,

369
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:35,160
 "what do you want, Yolanda?

370
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,840
 "I can help you get sober, put you in treatment.

371
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,080
 "What can I, how can I help you?"

372
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,960
 And he says, "Oh, I can help you get sober

373
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,680
 "or help carry your casket."

374
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,280
 "Oh, this guy," I said, "He's too much."

375
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,880
 You know, the alcoholic mind, full flight from reality,

376
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,840
 full flight from denial

377
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,400
 and that this alcoholism is gonna close.

378
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,480
 And he said, "I can help carry your casket,

379
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,760
 "which one will it be?"

380
00:15:58,760 --> 00:15:59,800
 It's a little serious here.

381
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,600
 I don't know, can I think about it?

382
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,960
 Really, I went home thinking about it all the way.

383
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,720
 That's a little harsh.

384
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,280
 Coming from a doctor, what is he?

385
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,640
 I don't know, I didn't feel bad.

386
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,680
 I mean, I looked a little yellow, Ramona says,

387
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:11,520
 when she met me.

388
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,520
 This is 24 years ago, you know?

389
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,280
 And she said I was yellow.

390
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,480
 I don't know, I don't believe her either,

391
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,160
 but anyway, I guess I was.

392
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,120
 It's funny 'cause you could see yourself in the mirror

393
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,480
 and you don't see that.

394
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:26,160
 Yeah, you don't like yourself, but you don't see that.

395
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,120
 And there I was, I thought about it,

396
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,320
 and I knew AA, and I know AA works.

397
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,280
 So I did that prayer, yeah, I don't even want this.

398
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:38,000
 Maybe I'm gonna die, I don't know, please help me.

399
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,200
 Because the thoughts that I was getting was AA,

400
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,640
 and I had been an AA, please help me.

401
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,680
 I can't believe that the doctor wants me sober

402
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:47,880
 more than I wanna get sober.

403
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,480
 And I started there, my journey and the second step.

404
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,840
 I knew I was an alcoholic and my life had become unmanaging.

405
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,520
 And I knew I needed a God to get me through this,

406
00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,280
 to get me sober, because on my own, I was not gonna do it.

407
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,840
 On my own, it doesn't work.

408
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:05,040
 And on my own, I was messing myself up even more.

409
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,720
 So I went back to my sponsor.

410
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,600
 When I went back, she said, we're gonna do,

411
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,920
 we're gonna, Yolanda, and she says, I know where you are,

412
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:12,840
 I know where you've been.

413
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:15,400
 One, two, three, out, one, two, three, out.

414
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,560
 One step forward, two step back.

415
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,800
 And she goes, we're gonna go straight to the fourth step

416
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,520
 because you've been playing around in this in and out

417
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:25,280
 for 10 years, you've been sober,

418
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,800
 but you don't get farther than that.

419
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,840
 And yes, we did the fourth step and the fifth step.

420
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,920
 And between the rest of the steps, the steps to me,

421
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,920
 six and seven means change.

422
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,600
 Something's gotta give, something's gotta get out.

423
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,600
 Something's gotta change in me.

424
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,880
 And I had to change or I was gonna be out one more time.

425
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:46,360
 And I know that this was by the grace of God

426
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:47,600
 that I am sober today.

427
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,640
 Nothing that I did because everything I did,

428
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,560
 I try to just manage and control

429
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,520
 and try to keep continued drinking and work on that

430
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,200
 and do my amends to my kids.

431
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,480
 So it took a long time, okay?

432
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,840
 These amends are not just, let me tell you,

433
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,000
 let me sit down and talk to me

434
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,600
 and let me tell you where I was wrong.

435
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,120
 No, it wasn't that easy.

436
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,480
 Sometimes I know that I had to say,

437
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:13,400
 I'm so sorry for not being a mom, not being in your life.

438
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:17,360
 But most important, when I heard what I did to their lives,

439
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,360
 that's those amends that I needed to listen

440
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,440
 to correct those things wrong and be stood up, show up

441
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,760
 as you taught me, suit up, show up, be present,

442
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,600
 work with another alcoholic, work with your family.

443
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,120
 They come first and just be there.

444
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,240
 And I have to the best of my ability.

445
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,200
 And let me tell you guys it works, this program works.

446
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,720
 They all have from the, my son who's 50 now,

447
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,560
 when his wife was gonna give birth,

448
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,720
 he says, mom, Carol wants you on the labor.

449
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:49,840
 This guy, my son, who when I was trying

450
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,160
 to make my amends early recovery,

451
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,200
 he would be walking down the stairs him and his cousin

452
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,120
 would look at me and spit.

453
00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,400
 I mean, he's the one that walked with me up those stairs,

454
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,240
 saw that you're here to do your work.

455
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,520
 Keep going and say the serenity prayer, keep walking,

456
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,640
 knock on the door, my kids would hide from me.

457
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:09,920
 They won't hide in the closet.

458
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:10,760
 I don't blame them.

459
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:14,480
 And I was so anxious and excited to do these amends.

460
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,920
 I don't blame them, but it took time.

461
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,760
 It took time to suit up, show up.

462
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,560
 I got back together with her dad and I helped him.

463
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,600
 I paid child support, has child support.

464
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,600
 I made my amends financial.

465
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,760
 I paid the taxes for five years that I didn't pay them.

466
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:33,360
 I'll pay child support, back pay and continue paying.

467
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,120
 And that, you know, I would ask that same old lady

468
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,640
 that told me, you know,

469
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,400
 sometimes we don't get our kids back.

470
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,840
 We don't get our loved ones back.

471
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,080
 We don't get that wife back, that job back.

472
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:43,920
 We don't get it.

473
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:44,920
 It says in the big book.

474
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:46,520
 I said, well, I'm not here.

475
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:47,880
 I'm here through hope.

476
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,400
 The hope of alcoholics anonymous and say,

477
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,400
 I'm going to get back if I do this work.

478
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,440
 I'm going to get through and give these this back.

479
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,960
 Because if I don't, I rather die, I'll die.

480
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,920
 So I'm going to do it because it says it in the book,

481
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,520
 you know, just stay present, be of service,

482
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,960
 have a commitment, keep doing it, keep doing it.

483
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,240
 Don't drink, simple.

484
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,480
 The program is simple,

485
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,680
 but it's the selfish, scared alcoholic that complicates it.

486
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,320
 The one that I can't beat.

487
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:17,880
 I can't do this without a drink.

488
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:18,720
 I need relief.

489
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:19,560
 Yes, we can.

490
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:20,380
 Yes, we can.

491
00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:22,080
 I showed up for all there.

492
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,160
 My daughter, my other daughter said,

493
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,720
 "Mom, I want you to be in the labor room."

494
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:27,620
 And I was there.

495
00:20:27,620 --> 00:20:29,320
 And I even took film.

496
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,360
 See, mom, I want you to put that camera

497
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:34,000
 where the baby's going to be born.

498
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,840
 I said, whoa, what an order.

499
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,400
 I don't know if I can go through it.

500
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,240
 Not her.

501
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,080
 No, not her.

502
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,960
 My other, I have two daughters and a son.

503
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,040
 Two daughters and a son.

504
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,360
 And she said, "Mom, please, I want this in film."

505
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:51,640
 And I said, I told you I was willing to go to any dance.

506
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,200
 I can't, I was the best.

507
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,960
 I could've been in pictures, you know.

508
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,760
 I mean, a film career, but it wasn't.

509
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:01,120
 Anyway, and I sat with her,

510
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,320
 but she didn't like my filming.

511
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,700
 I was supposed for comfort.

512
00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:09,320
 Anyway, I showed up with two of her kids.

513
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,180
 And this is what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous.

514
00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:14,880
 We suit up, we show up, we are present,

515
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,800
 and we do the best we can, guys.

516
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:18,800
 One day at a time.

517
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,400
 And I don't ever, ever want to take a drink again.

518
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,080
 Well, I'm 70 now.

519
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,480
 I'm 70, and I didn't think I was gonna live this long.

520
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,700
 You know, I mean, by the grace of God, I'm here.

521
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,320
 And so are you, and so are you.

522
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,760
 If you're new in the program, please keep coming back.

523
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,680
 Hope is something that is unseen.

524
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,320
 You don't know what's gonna follow hope.

525
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:40,920
 I want this back, I want that,

526
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:43,640
 but hope is that it's around the corner.

527
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,760
 All we have to do is take those steps

528
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,100
 and look and be present in our lives

529
00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:49,640
 and the lives of those that we love.

530
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,400
 I don't know how many minutes I have.

531
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,000
 Oh, oh my goodness.

532
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,880
 Well, I still do the same thing I used to do.

533
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,480
 I'm a DUI counselor.

534
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,080
 I do first, second, third offenders.

535
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,040
 I love my people when they come in,

536
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:03,720
 because when they come in, they're angry.

537
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,620
 They're afraid, they lose their jobs, their license.

538
00:22:06,620 --> 00:22:10,360
 And what I'm there to do is just welcome you

539
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,640
 like I do in AA.

540
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,200
 Welcome to the newcomers.

541
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,920
 I see one, is she still here?

542
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,440
 Yes, Cynthia, I met her this morning.

543
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:19,640
 She's a newcomer.

544
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:24,640
 And yes, and I know Mariana, I know Jenny, and I know Sarah.

545
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,480
 They're from other meetings and they showed up for,

546
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,920
 I told them I was gonna share tonight

547
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,720
 and they're here from other meetings.

548
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,680
 Okay, and I'm just, I gave a divorce

549
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:38,760
 to that husband of mine, Poresito.

550
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:39,960
 I made my amends.

551
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:43,000
 I said, you know, when we were at the courthouse

552
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,940
 and the judge looked at us and we were agreeing

553
00:22:45,940 --> 00:22:47,860
 and we were laughing and making jokes about each other

554
00:22:47,860 --> 00:22:48,700
 and stuff like that.

555
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,520
 And he says, "You know, I've never seen a divorce like this.

556
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,080
 You guys are friends."

557
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,180
 And he goes, "I've never seen somebody so friendly,

558
00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:56,320
 so agreeable with."

559
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,360
 I say, "Yeah, you know, he wants his freedom."

560
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,000
 You know, and I told him, I invited him for breakfast

561
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,920
 after the signing and everybody was jumping up and down,

562
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,120
 you know, and he asked one question,

563
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:11,220
 "You know, if you sign here, if you win a million dollars,

564
00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:14,120
 he can't take it and then you sign here.

565
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,880
 And if you win a million dollars, she can't take it."

566
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:17,840
 And then I looked at him.

567
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,180
 Come on, we put some time in there.

568
00:23:20,180 --> 00:23:22,080
 I have three kids.

569
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:23,440
 I put 18 years.

570
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,320
 He goes, "You know, I'll give you some."

571
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,160
 I said, "So will I."

572
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,280
 So that was, that's the way he goes, "Whoa."

573
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,800
 I don't care what paper we sign.

574
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,520
 This is how it's gonna be because we know each other.

575
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,840
 And I say, I made my amends and I say,

576
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,400
 "You know, you deserve to have a wife,

577
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,600
 somebody that can be a good wife to you.

578
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,600
 And I just want you to be happy and to find her.

579
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:43,420
 You're free."

580
00:23:43,420 --> 00:23:44,260
 And so am I.

581
00:23:44,260 --> 00:23:47,120
 And I wanna thank you guys for being here and having me

582
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,000
 and jumping on a little place.

583
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,960
 But I am grateful to be sober, grateful to be alive.

584
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:53,280
 Please keep coming back.

585
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:54,120
 Thank you.

586
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:54,960
 You're a lover.