1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,080
 I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for that lead Monty. I definitely related with you quite a bit.

2
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:13,040
 My sobriety date is February 13th, 2010. So, and I have a sponsor. Her name is Rebecca. I have a

3
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:17,520
 home group. It's the Encino Hill Speaker meeting. I've been going to that meeting for 13 years.

4
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:24,400
 So I got sober in 2010, but I was checking this place out starting in 2009. And I tell you all

5
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:29,040
 these things because that's what keeps me here. A sponsor, you know, being accountable, working

6
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:35,120
 the steps, even after 12 years, you know, I'm actually doing step work again. You know, qualify

7
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:40,960
 a little bit. I was born and raised in Wisconsin. That definitely doesn't make me an alcoholic,

8
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:47,760
 but it's very close. I come from an alcoholic home. Father, alcoholic, mother, the Al-Anon,

9
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:54,240
 the rager, the angry one. You know, my sister and I grew up in fear, in a closet, scared, crying.

10
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:58,080
 You know, my mom would leave the house and she would say, "Hey, I'm going to take your sister

11
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,840
 to Girl Scouts. Please, you know, when your dad has a seizure, put this rubber thing in his mouth

12
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:08,000
 so he doesn't swallow his tongue and die." I'm six, seven years old, right? "Okay. All right,

13
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:12,000
 mom." You know, and always checking on my dad to make sure he wasn't dead. And, you know,

14
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:16,320
 I'll never forget one time my mom was gone with my sister and my dad needed some money. My mom

15
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:21,120
 would take his wallet and he wanted to go get something to drink up the street and he didn't

16
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:24,080
 have his wallet. So he says, "You know, honey, do you have any money?" And it's like, "Yeah,

17
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:27,840
 let me help you out, dad. I want to help you out, dad." And I busted my piggy bank open and I gave

18
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:32,640
 him all the money that I had and then he left me there. And I watched him walk up the street and

19
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:36,480
 I had this vision in my head and I worked on some step work with it. You know, there I was,

20
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,960
 I had my piggy tails. I remember the pajamas I was wearing and I remember sitting on that back porch,

21
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:44,720
 rocking back and forth, wondering when he was going to come back. And I tell you all that,

22
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:49,120
 is it because that's what makes me an alcoholic? No, it doesn't make me an alcoholic at all. But,

23
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:53,520
 God, I was wishing that it would because I wanted to blame it on somebody. I wanted to point the

24
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:59,360
 finger at somebody, get off easy and not going to bring around with you guys because I had a better

25
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:05,120
 time feeling sorry for you all than being a part of. And I really, really wanted that to be the

26
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:10,080
 case. And so I did my Geographic. I left at 18. My best friend and I, Pat Picard, she was living

27
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:14,880
 in a similar home, her father an alcoholic, and we moved to LA. We came here to meet the guys from

28
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,880
 Motley Crue and we were going to marry them. It didn't matter which one. I wasn't going to marry

29
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:24,800
 Nick Mars now. I mean, I wanted to either marry Nikki Sixx or Vince Neil. And shortly after I got

30
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:29,920
 here, God gave me a psychotherapist. That's who I'm married to today. So I laugh at that because

31
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:34,640
 God already knew it was better for me than what I knew for myself. So I've been with my husband

32
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:40,400
 for 31 years total. I always say I'm waiting for his book to be done because that's when he's going

33
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:45,920
 to exit because the experiment will be over and we'll have it all figured out. And that'll be me,

34
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:51,040
 you guys, if that's anonymous. So we laugh all the time. I'm just like, "How the heck did you

35
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:56,160
 stay with me?" And a woman in this program had said to me, Kathy, she said, "You know, honey,

36
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,280
 he sees something in you that you don't see in yourself. And one day you're going to love

37
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:03,920
 yourself enough to know that." And I never understood that concept. I drank and I drank

38
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:10,480
 and I drank. I moved out here. I was dating this guy. We moved in together and I was like,

39
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,520
 "I'm going to make something of myself. I'm not just going to work this 40-hour-a-week job. I'm

40
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:18,880
 going to go to school. I'm going to go to school and I'm going to do something great." So he loves

41
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:23,680
 me, so he stays with me, so he doesn't leave. And I went to Valley College for five years at night

42
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:29,120
 and I worked 40, 50 hours during the week. And he would wonder where the vodka went in the freezer.

43
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:33,200
 And I'm like, "I mean, what's the problem? I'm going to school and I'm working, showing up."

44
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:38,640
 I made my way into USC. I did that all on my own. I did that on scholarships and grants. Nobody paid

45
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:43,520
 my way. And what's the problem? I'm showing up for my life. So what if I drank? So what if I drank

46
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:47,280
 the vodka in the freezer? I mean, although I'm lying, I'm like, "I don't know. You must've left

47
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:52,720
 it open. It must've just filled out everywhere. I don't know." Or, you know, disclaimer in Polish,

48
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:57,600
 but one time I put water back in the bottle in the freezer and I froze. And it's like,

49
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:04,000
 "What happened?" I was like, "I have no idea. That is so weird." And so we went along like that,

50
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:09,840
 you know, and I made it through USC. I graduated, I worked for this like big company and that

51
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:13,280
 company was closing down. I was on baby number two. At this point, we had gotten married. We

52
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:17,200
 already had one child and I'm on baby number two. And my husband and my in-laws say to me, "Hey,

53
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:22,320
 have you ever thought about being a stay-at-home mom?" Now, most mothers, I think, would be like,

54
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:27,840
 "Really? I can do that? That's amazing. Like, wow." I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

55
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:33,440
 Because I knew in my mind, I was afraid, left to my own devices, what would happen to me? But I

56
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:37,840
 said, "I'll give it a try. I'll give it a try." I immediately became a stay-at-home drunk. I was

57
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:43,120
 drinking all the time, but I'd get it together a little bit here and there. I'd take my babies to

58
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:50,000
 the park and I'd bring them home and I'd bathe them and I'd start drinking at five. And that's

59
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:55,040
 the time you start drinking anyway. So I'm okay because I'm not drinking prior to five. I mean,

60
00:04:55,040 --> 00:05:00,080
 then it was like, "Well, it's five o'clock in New York. It's soon here, but it really is five

61
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:06,560
 o'clock somewhere." So those things are true for me. And I just kind of went on and on and on and

62
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:12,800
 we had baby number three and I'm really hitting it hard. I got to the point where I could drink

63
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:19,840
 five bottles in one day. I am your garden variety, good old drunk. I didn't really take any other

64
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:26,880
 upside substances. I've tried a few things, but it was all about the alcohol. And it got to the

65
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:31,520
 point where it's five bottles. It was like, I needed that fifth bottle hidden just in case I

66
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:35,680
 woke up in the middle of the night, which I did. I'd wake up, "I'd be wide awake. I need that drink

67
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:40,560
 to be able to go back to bed." I had black trash bags. Every Thursday, I'd go around the house and

68
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,480
 I would pick everything up and the trash men would come. And you always knew when you hit my house

69
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,760
 because you could hear the clanking of all the bottles. Well, I had a good idea and that was

70
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:52,240
 getting a little out of hand. So I decided that I should probably just switch to vodka because

71
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:56,640
 one day I left the bag out on accident. I forgot to take it to the trash because it was taking my

72
00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:02,480
 son to baseball practice. And I was like, "Can you imagine if he came home?" There has got to be at

73
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:09,360
 least 52 bottles in there. And so I thought never again, I'm going to switch to vodka. So I switched

74
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:14,960
 to vodka. At one point, my husband did leave me. He had had enough. He was only gone for five months,

75
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:21,920
 bless his heart. He had it, he had it. And so he backed the car up and he practiced things up. Now,

76
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:27,440
 I had already, like I said, been dabbling in AA in 2009. So he cuts the car up and he leaves and

77
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,520
 he goes to stay with his mother, which isn't too far, but he leaves three children. So I was like,

78
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:36,480
 "Okay, thank God. I really got to get my life together. I got to call this woman that I met

79
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:41,040
 in the beginning of the year. I have her number on this piece of paper that she wrote down.

80
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:45,360
 And I got to give her a call. I think it's time for me to get sober now because she's gone. I got

81
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:49,280
 to get him back." That's all I thought about is I got to get my husband to come home. This isn't

82
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:54,560
 going to work out if he's not here. And so I called her and I met her at her house and she

83
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,400
 started asking me all these questions on a timeline. And I was like, "She's going to call

84
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:03,040
 Child Protective Services on me or call my husband. She just has a Google and she can find

85
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:08,640
 him. I am not telling her this stuff." I was so paranoid, you guys. I was so paranoid. I was so

86
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:13,200
 in my illness and I was so sick. I was afraid of everybody. I was paranoid of everything. I was

87
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,120
 paranoid of all of you. I was like, "I swear I've seen these people before. I've seen you before. I

88
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:24,640
 know I've seen you before. Have you seen me buy liquor?" I mean, I was nuts. And so I did this

89
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:29,760
 little timeline with her and I couldn't quite stay sober. My husband came back five months later

90
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:33,360
 because he was like, "God, she's doing great with this AA thing. And she's going to all these

91
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:37,840
 meetings." And little did he know is I'd go to a meeting. He'd come and watch the kids. I'd go to

92
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:42,800
 my meeting. I'd go straight over to 7-Eleven and I'd buy three 40-ounces. I don't know why that was

93
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:47,760
 my thing. It was three 40-ounces that got me just enough. I would come back. He would leave. I'd

94
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,680
 clock it to make sure I knew he was on the freeway and gone. Kids were already in bed and I'd go out

95
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:56,720
 in the back and I'd slam these three 40-ounces and I'd wobble my way back over to bed and I'd pass out

96
00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,480
 and wake up. And I was doing that all the time until he decided it was time to come back. "You're

97
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:04,720
 coming back? Oh God, I have to get sober right now. Like right now, I'm going to get sober."

98
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,240
 Like it was that easy, I thought in my head. Like, "Okay, cool. I'm just going to quit drinking now."

99
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:15,440
 So I went back to the meetings and I called this sponsor and I... It was like two weeks in and I

100
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,800
 decided it was a good idea to stop and get a six-pack on the way home because my husband was

101
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,960
 going to be out that night and he didn't leave. I got home and his car was still there and I was

102
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:26,640
 like, "Oh, what am I going to do with the six-pack if I have my car? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

103
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,880
 So I left that in the car. I went in. I like couldn't sleep all night because I was trying

104
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:36,080
 to figure out how in the head am I going to get this six-pack out of my car? And I was like, "Oh,

105
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,840
 you idiot. When he gets in the shower, you just run out there and you throw it all in the

106
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,520
 refrigerator." So I did. And it was like a few days later, he was like, "Where'd all this beer

107
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,840
 come from?" I was like, "I don't know. You're the drinker, not me." He barely drinks. He barely

108
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:52,560
 drinks. So there was like far too many beers in the fridge. So went along, went along. And then

109
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:58,480
 I started to just... There I was again, drinking vodka. So I go to vodka. He had a bottle of

110
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:02,800
 Belvedere vodka in the freezer and it was silver. You could not see through it. It was a holiday

111
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,640
 edition. So I started to drink out of that bottle. And within a day and a half it was gone. And it

112
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,640
 was like, "Oh my God." All right. So I dropped the kids off. I drive to the liquor store. He

113
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:15,440
 opened at seven. Thank you, Lord. Somebody opens at seven right over there on Fallbrook and Oxnard.

114
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:19,520
 And I would go in there and I'd get the Belvedere and I'd come home and I'd take the funnel and I'd

115
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:23,520
 put the funnel in and I'd pour it because of the bottle. You got to get the bottle and it's just

116
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:27,360
 this whole thing. And then I would run out again in like a day and a half, two days. And I'm like,

117
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:33,200
 "Hey, you know what? I'm going to buy a pop-off. I'm going to get the gallon plastic bottle pop-off.

118
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:37,520
 What am I doing?" And plus Belvedere is expensive, but that's not fair to my husband. I mean,

119
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:41,040
 I'm spending his money. He's working and his Belvedere is expensive. It's just going to pop

120
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,480
 off. I go and I get the gallon and that lasts a little bit longer and you can hide it right in

121
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,680
 the closet there. So that was fine. And when you throw it away, it's amazing. It's plastic. You

122
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:53,680
 just pound on it. It flattens up. And so there it is, but I'm not living my life. Right? I mean,

123
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:58,240
 my life is just fine. And now I know my oldest daughter out of my three kids, she's the only

124
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:02,080
 one that remembers some things about me being drunk a lot, is just giving me these looks. And

125
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,680
 my husband's coming home from work and he's giving me these looks and he's asking me, "Have you been

126
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:10,800
 drinking?" No, I haven't been drinking. I just haven't been feeling well. I think I had the flu.

127
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:16,480
 I had the flu like every day. I took up running. I decided running was a great thing to do because

128
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:21,200
 he would come home from work. Being a mom of three, a stay-at-home mom of three is very,

129
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:26,240
 very difficult work and I would need to go run. So I would get out and I would run and I would run

130
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,200
 right down the street. I was training for the New York Marathon. I thought it was a great idea to

131
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:33,840
 run the New York Marathon. I had never run an endurance race in my life. And I would get out

132
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,920
 and I would run and I would run straight down the street to my sister-in-law's house. She was my

133
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:41,920
 drinking buddy. And we would drink on her porch and we'd smoke cigarettes and it was amazing.

134
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:46,320
 And then she dragged me back. And I ran that marathon anyway, believe it or not. So I was

135
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:52,960
 living my life just out of control, spiraling, spiraling, spiraling down the drain. And I don't

136
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:58,080
 know why one day on February 12th, 2010, I had to go pick up my kids and it was about two hours

137
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:04,000
 prior. And I just got this feeling. I poured that drink and I would put seven up or whatever in it

138
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,680
 to make it bigger, to make me feel better about it. Like I was having a mixed drink and a big

139
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:12,640
 tumbler plastic cup, you know, so classy. And I just started having this panic attack. It's

140
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,800
 the best way that I can describe it. I had this panic attack and I just started hyperventilating

141
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,080
 and I literally crawled up into a ball in the corner of the room and I was like, "God,

142
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:24,720
 please help me. I can't do this anymore." It wasn't working. I was still drinking the same

143
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:29,040
 amount, but I felt like I was sober and I could feel everything. And it was the scariest thing in

144
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:33,360
 the world because the reason I drank was to check out. I didn't want to feel feels. I wanted to be

145
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:38,480
 left alone. And I never processed a lot of this stuff, you know, from my childhood. And I just,

146
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:42,560
 it was always the drinking, the drinking. And that's why I really wanted to blame it on my

147
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:47,680
 parent. Like it was your fault. And come to find out in my inventory, you know, they did the best

148
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:52,240
 they could. I love my mom and dad. They're wonderful people. They did everything that

149
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:56,800
 they could to, you know, they only had their tools, right? My dad grew up in a really hardcore

150
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:01,680
 environment. My mom, you know, not so great. So they did the very best they could. So on February

151
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:06,560
 12th, I called that lady who I'd met that sponsor that I kind of had. And because I had the drink in

152
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,400
 front of me and she said, is there something you want to tell me? And I, and for an alcoholic like

153
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:15,120
 me, I had to pause because I knew if I told her that I had been drinking, her idea would be let's

154
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:21,440
 start the steps, you know? And I'm like, maybe I want jails, death and institutions, right? I mean,

155
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:26,560
 we have to think about this. So I paused and I said, you know, I've been drinking and she laughed.

156
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:31,760
 She was like, Oh, sweetheart. I know. She's like, I, I'm like, you know, I'm having a panic attack

157
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:36,320
 here, lady. Like this is bad. You know, she's like, go read this page out of the book. And I

158
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,840
 did. And I come back, call me back. I call, go read another page, call me back. And I'm like,

159
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:44,800
 what is she doing to me? Like, this is just, she's not, she's drinking, she's drinking. And now I,

160
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,640
 you know, today I know it's like, she was just trying to get me to refocus. Right. So I was able

161
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:54,240
 to get it together. I was able to go pick up my children. And I just showed up at her house the

162
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:58,560
 next day, had to be there at 6 AM and I showed up and we got on our knees and my journey began. And

163
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:02,240
 I said, listen, and you know, you mentioned this too is like 90 and 90. I'm like, you know what,

164
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:07,120
 I'll give you this 90 and 90, this stupid 90 and 90 that all you people talk about. And like,

165
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:11,280
 you're so into it. I'm like, I'll do it. I'll do whatever you tell me to do for 90 days. I'll keep

166
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,360
 my mouth shut. I'll listen. And I'll do whatever you tell me to do. I did it, you know, but I'm

167
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:19,520
 like, she just doesn't get it. I have three kids. I have a husband. I got to make dinner. She wants

168
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,280
 me at that meeting. She wants me to get there early. She wants me to make coffee, but I did it.

169
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,720
 I did everything she told me to do. And I would say within three weeks I started to feel better.

170
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:30,320
 I was showing up for my kids. I was doing the laundry. I was folding the laundry and I was

171
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:35,440
 putting the laundry away. I was doing homework with my kids. I was not burning their meals. I

172
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:40,080
 was, there was literally a meal on the table and there was something inside of me. I even felt like

173
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:45,920
 I looked different. Like I looked healthy. I never showered when I was drinking. And cause that takes

174
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:50,320
 time out of my drinking. I only have so much time between the time my kids are at school and they

175
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,640
 come home. Although I drank when they got home anyway. So I don't know if that theory was better.

176
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:58,480
 So I had to do these steps and I got into my four step, you know, one, two, and three. I already

177
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:03,920
 knew that I was an alcoholic long before and step one, you know, and I found a concept of God that

178
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:08,640
 worked for me at the time and it evolves all the time. It changes, you know, I have it pasted in

179
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:13,440
 front of my 12 and 12 and it's changed forms many different times, but I do have a God of my

180
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,920
 understanding and I do call God instead of higher power, whatever it is. I mean, whatever your jam

181
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:22,080
 is, it can be doorknob. I don't care. But I did understand that there was something greater than

182
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,600
 me out there because I looked around this room and I knew you guys were all happy and you're healthy

183
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:30,240
 and you looked good and you showered and you were laughing and, and I'm like, there's gotta be

184
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:35,040
 something to this. And nobody ever told me I had to do anything. It was merely a suggestion. So that

185
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:39,360
 kind of got me too. I was like, that whole control thing people talk about. I'm like, nobody's telling

186
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:44,560
 me to do anything around here. They're merely offering advice. They're suggestions. Would you

187
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:50,000
 like some advice? Would you like a suggestion? And I'm like, okay, sure. You know, it's like,

188
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:54,080
 all right, I'll make the coffee at that meeting. I mean, I already did it for a year, but I'll do

189
00:14:54,080 --> 00:15:00,160
 it. You know, and in my fourth step, I waited on it for like two years. So I don't suggest that to

190
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:07,120
 anyone. I was busy. I got sober. I went back to school. I got my master's degree. I had kids too.

191
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:12,880
 I had my kids. I had homework to do. I then had to get, I got a job. I mean, why is she writing

192
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:17,840
 me so much? I mean, she's really got to get it together. She just must be jealous because I went

193
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:23,120
 back and got my master's and she did it. Lo and behold, I get this job and I get fired from this

194
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:29,920
 job. And I'm like, nobody fires me. I'm like the next CEO here. Don't they know? And I got fired

195
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:34,000
 from my character defects at the time. I did not know that I felt sorry for myself. I was a victim,

196
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:38,560
 but I definitely, I know today I got fired. I'd never made it through my steps. I didn't know how

197
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:42,800
 I ticked. I didn't know how I shoot showed up in the world. I got to my fifth step and I was

198
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,720
 reading it and there was a couple of things that really stood out and I'd like to talk about these

199
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:52,560
 two things. And there was, there was once in sixth grade, I had a little sweetheart and he would pick

200
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:56,560
 me up for school every day. He would walk past my house and he was shot and killed. It was an

201
00:15:56,560 --> 00:16:03,280
 accident. The neighbor kid who was in our grade two they were just messing around with guns and

202
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:08,560
 shot, killed him. And the kid who killed him was on my resentment list. But of course, when we got

203
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:12,480
 to the column as well, it was my part. I didn't have a part. How can I have a part? I mean,

204
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:17,760
 I was in sixth grade, I was destroyed. I mean, I never made, you know, I never called them names,

205
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:21,200
 you know, I never didn't. I'm like, why does she have to keep going back on this? Like,

206
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:26,320
 this doesn't make sense. Like how can I have a part in a guy shooting the kid that I thought

207
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:31,120
 that I was in love with in sixth grade and feeling all this pain? She kept having me go back. And I

208
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,440
 really thought that she was just like trying to give me a hard time, you know? Um, and I finally

209
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:39,280
 realized it. And I said, you know what? This is about how I show up in the world. I suck the life

210
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:42,960
 out of the room. Everybody needs to know that I've arrived. So I would go to church. I was born and

211
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:48,720
 raised Catholic. We'd go to church and I would go storming out of the church, running to the bathroom,

212
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,920
 crying and the teachers had to come and all my friends and the students came. Are you okay?

213
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:58,880
 Are you okay? Cause it was just about me. I was the only one hurting. Nobody else was hurting.

214
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:04,400
 It was just me. So I needed you all to keep your eye on me and love me through this. Um,

215
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:09,040
 that was eye opening. I'm not the only one that was hurting. Everybody was hurting. Everybody was

216
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:13,920
 hurting, but I needed to make sure I was the center of attention. And this went on for awhile. This

217
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:19,120
 went on for like the whole school year. Um, that was really eye opening to me and gave me something

218
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:24,080
 to look at. Um, another out of the, you know, some of my inventory, these two are really important to

219
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:27,840
 me. The second one is I had a bully when I was in eighth grade, I was at a girlfriend's house. A

220
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:32,080
 bunch of us girls, the boys were on the phone. They started to tickle me and I peed my pants.

221
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:36,320
 Uh, not a good look when you're in eighth grade and the boys are on the phone and guess what my

222
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:43,600
 new name was on Monday. It was Patty. I didn't have any boyfriends in eighth grade. Um, so it

223
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:48,560
 was super demoralizing. And then another kid from another school would specifically come to my school

224
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:53,600
 and wait for me to leave so he could screen this. So everybody knew that was my name. So I got smart

225
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:58,640
 and I was like, I'm taking off this way. He'll never see me. And that's it. Okay. Sponsor. How

226
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:03,680
 do I have a part in a bully bullying? Please tell me, because this is, you're not going to find it.

227
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:08,560
 I don't have a part in any of this. I was harmed by this kid. I was a cadet. I was supposed to be

228
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:13,200
 on the corner every day, uh, when school got out and I was supposed to help kids cross the street.

229
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,600
 I didn't do that. I ran away. I went home and I took a different way. So I had a commitment

230
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,360
 and I failed to show up for that commitment. And I failed to tell anybody that I wasn't going to do

231
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:25,520
 that commitment. And I didn't get it covered. Um, I never told anybody I kept it inside and

232
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:30,080
 kept all these feelings stuffed inside of me. And it just tore me and ate my soul apart. And

233
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,920
 I just was demoralized. And I would cry in my room alone. I wouldn't tell my mom. I didn't

234
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:38,720
 tell my sister. I didn't tell the teacher. I didn't tell anybody. I just lived with this. Um,

235
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,560
 and there were people that I could tell and I could trust. Um, but I chose not to, I'm going

236
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:46,960
 to take this on all by myself, all by myself. I'm going to take this on. That was very interesting

237
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:51,120
 for me too, because yet again, you know, here I am, how am I showing up in the world? How am I,

238
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:56,160
 how, how, how was my behavior? What am I doing? You know, um, those things were really, really,

239
00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:01,120
 really eye-opening for me. The fifth step was, um, it did not give me that spiritual experience that

240
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,880
 I've heard in these rooms where, Oh my God, I did my fifth step. I went home. I took the book off

241
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:08,640
 the shelf. I got on my knees. I opened my window. All of a sudden this butterfly came in. I mean,

242
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:12,240
 it was midnight, but the butterfly came in and Oh my God, it was God. I know it was God. I know.

243
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:16,640
 And I was like, that did not happen for me. So did I miss something or what the heck?

244
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:23,200
 That's just, that wasn't my experience. I did feel a huge load off my back. Um, but my spiritual

245
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,200
 experience started to come in, not that I didn't have one then it came in small spurts. Right. But

246
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:32,080
 it was when I started my immense process. And, um, of course my first immense went fantastic.

247
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:36,480
 So I was like, let's just do them all right now. I'm going to call all these people and Oh no,

248
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:40,880
 that's not how we do it. My sponsor is great. We wrote it on a note card. Um, so I didn't divert

249
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:47,280
 from, you know, or the feeling, sorry. It's like, I was wrong because, you know, um, and you know,

250
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:51,840
 then going through life, right. 10, 11, and 12. It's like, how am I living my life? I took my son

251
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:56,960
 once to a doctor game many years ago and, um, it was bobblehead night and, uh, his bottlehead was

252
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:01,040
 broken and I was good and angry. So I went up there and I said to the guy, I need a new

253
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,240
 bobblehead. And he said, you're going to have to go back over there. You don't have to get a ticket

254
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,120
 and they're going to give you this thing. And then they'll sit down. No, no, you don't understand.

255
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:12,080
 I want the bubble head. So I made sure that I was, I could demoralize him as much as I could

256
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:17,040
 and demasculate him and make him feel really horrible about his life. And I got my bobblehead

257
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:21,840
 someone sat back down by my son and I was, and I couldn't stop thinking in my head, how I treated

258
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:27,920
 that. Like, Oh my, if my son would have saw my behavior and then I'm looking around going,

259
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:33,360
 did anybody see me this way? Um, and I texted my friend and I said, Hey, this is what happened. I

260
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:37,520
 said, what do I do? I'm like, do I go pick him as right now? She goes, well, do you want to drink

261
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:44,160
 and die? You know, I don't. She said, well, then you need to go make a mess. And I was like, right

262
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,720
 now. And she said, yeah, right now. And I said, okay. So I went up there and I made a mess to him

263
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,640
 and I said, it was wrong. And I shouldn't have done that. You know, we had, he goes, you know,

264
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:57,040
 I can't believe that you did that. He said, you know how people treat me here all the time.

265
00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:02,480
 He's like, and the fact that you came here and, and, and apologize to me, you know, and, um, I

266
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:07,040
 said, well, you know, deserve to be treated that way. You know? Um, and that's how I live my life

267
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:12,000
 today. I'm hoping now in 12 years, like those can be smaller and smaller, you know, timeframes in

268
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:19,360
 between, but I am not perfect. Um, I had a friend of mine about a year and a half ago, uh, passed

269
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:25,200
 away from pancreatic cancer. Um, we all rallied around her when we found out and, um, I was one

270
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:30,880
 of the people on the list to sleep over. So every Saturday night for a year, I slept at her house.

271
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:36,320
 Um, and we, we learned a lot about each other during that time. It was probably one of the most

272
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:40,480
 intimate friendships I've ever had. And she would say to me, am I going to die? I said,

273
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:44,480
 I don't know. I don't know. I'm not God. You know, all we have is right here right now.

274
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:50,240
 And I brought my program to that relationship. And, um, when it was time for her to go, um, she

275
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:56,160
 made it about a year. Um, I w I had the honor to be with her that, that last weekend, I was the only

276
00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:01,440
 one with her and I had to lift her into bed and we just had the most intimate moments of me rubbing

277
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:06,880
 her head. And I guess I was making her feel very safe, you know, in a way that I didn't know. Um,

278
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:11,520
 my dad had, my father-in-law had pancreatic cancer and I showed up for him, but I was drunk.

279
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,600
 Every time I went to that hospital, I was drunk because I had to be drunk to show up for that.

280
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:21,120
 So it made me proud to know that my father-in-law could see me really showing up. Um, and she left

281
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:26,640
 this earth, her vessel stayed, her soul took flight. And I was on one side of her, her

282
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:30,720
 boyfriend, her mother, and her best friend. And I got to hold onto her and I got to tell her how

283
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:36,160
 important she was for me. All those people around her could not speak. They were all so scared. And

284
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:40,400
 one of the girls was going in and out, you know, and I was like, I know exactly what you're doing,

285
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,440
 girl. Like you're going to get yourself a little better, you know? Um, and I was able to, to talk

286
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:51,200
 to her and she had moved her head and right before she left, she said you to me. And, uh, at 11 o'clock

287
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:56,320
 on the dot PM, she, she passed and the patient advocate said, that's the most beautiful, beautiful

288
00:22:56,320 --> 00:23:01,600
 display of love that I've ever seen. Um, a person gets to have before departing this earth, you know,

289
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:07,520
 and what an honor I got to be a part of that, you know? Um, and I got to earn her trust, you know,

290
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:13,520
 at such a sensitive time in her life. Um, and her daughter plays volleyball. So she comes into town

291
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:18,080
 and we go see a whole bunch of girls and people, we just go see the daughter play and we cheer her

292
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:22,640
 on. And I'm still very close with her mother and check in with them. Um, I would have missed all,

293
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:28,480
 you know, if I was drunk and it was just all about me, me, me, me, me, me, me going through this,

294
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:33,360
 the steps with a sponsor right now, you know, when I, you know, you circle, I doctor's opinion,

295
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:39,280
 I, I, I, me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my. And she's like, why are we circling all this? And I'm like,

296
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:44,160
 you're going to figure it out. Like, you know, cause it is crazy in the book how it's like that,

297
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:50,240
 right? I mean, me, me today, the way I live my life is what can I do for you? It's about what I

298
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:56,160
 can do for you. It's not about me, my life. I have three children and I have the most amazing

299
00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:00,320
 relationship with my kids. My kids love me and they trust me and they're all thriving on their

300
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:05,120
 own. I don't pay credit for it at all. I do give my husband a great deal of credit because that man

301
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:08,720
 will go to work. He will come home. I will go to meetings. He would make sure that they were in the

302
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,640
 bathtub. They were, they, they were all set and taken care of. And don't you worry about it

303
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:17,120
 saying, and in over 12 years, my husband never said to me, do you really have to go to that

304
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:22,640
 meeting tonight? He just let me go to that meeting. And he knew that our family was changing. And I'm

305
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:27,840
 very grateful for that because I could have really blown that too, you know? And so I have a daughter

306
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:36,800
 who just got married this year. I have a grand dog and I love him so much. I have a son in college.

307
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:42,800
 He's away, but I just drove him back in August and we had the best time just hanging out and bonding.

308
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:46,560
 And my oldest daughter went to, she was living her best life in the back seat, sleeping and reading.

309
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:51,600
 They were like, why did she come? Um, but we had a great time and, and, and my, my youngest daughter

310
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,840
 is still at home and she's, you know, figuring things out. Um, and my kids are happy. They're

311
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,600
 happy, you know, and, and, and I always check in with them on that, you know, I don't care what

312
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:04,400
 they do. They can do whatever they want. It's their life. I'm just merely a guide on the side,

313
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,680
 you know, cheering them on and being their cheerleader, but I don't control them. I don't

314
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:12,000
 tell them what I think they should do. I don't tell them, um, you know, uh, what they should be

315
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:16,240
 majoring in or what they shouldn't be. I'm just right here and whatever. Same thing with my

316
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,320
 daughter's wedding. I said, I'm right here for you, whatever you need, you just let me know.

317
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:24,240
 I'm going to let you run your show. And I know that you're going to need money. You just tell me

318
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,400
 when. And other than that, you know, I was a very good part of her wedding and she had me do a lot

319
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:33,360
 of stuff. That's because I knew how to just step back, close my mouth and wait to be asked for

320
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:38,480
 something to do. Um, and it was, it was absolutely beautiful wedding shortly after her wedding. I,

321
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:44,240
 uh, I went into a little bit of a dark place. Um, I, I, uh, you know, over 12 and a half years

322
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,760
 of sobriety, right. And I tell you all these amazing, lovely things, but I got to this point

323
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:51,120
 where I was just like, I don't know, there's something inside. I don't, I don't feel so good.

324
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:55,360
 Like I feel very disconnected. Um, and I always know when I'm feeling disconnected,

325
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:59,360
 especially from God, but I don't know that right away. So you'll find me at the native American

326
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:03,920
 spirit store on, uh, Barbara and Ventura. They have a ton of beads, their bracelets, everything.

327
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,760
 So you'll find me in there and I'm like, what does the red one do? What does the green one do? What

328
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:13,760
 does the black one do? It's like, Oh, Kay, you know, when I'm walking out, like I'm healed because

329
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:18,480
 I got every color node of the mind of man on me, you know? And I always know when I'm seeking and

330
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:23,920
 I'm going every other way, but my meetings, my sponsor, you know, uh, doing some step work. And

331
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,680
 I'm not saying that there's nothing wrong with going to the American spirit store. It's really

332
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:33,040
 cool. But, um, not replacing that, right. Not replacing that with, with the work, right.

333
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,960
 Calling my sponsor and really being honest and letting her know how I feel, you know,

334
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:41,520
 and not being afraid of doing the work, you know, and now, right. As I say, I'm back in the fourth

335
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:45,840
 step, I'll be reading the fifth step next Friday. Um, it happens, you know, it's like,

336
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:50,800
 my life is not perfect and I don't need to beat myself up for it. And, and, you know,

337
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,800
 I was telling the sponsor, I was like, you know, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't be,

338
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,320
 I shouldn't be this, I shouldn't be that. She goes, stop shinning on yourself. And I was like,

339
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:03,040
 what? I was like, that's pretty cool. That's right. We shouldn't shouldn't on ourselves. Um,

340
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:07,440
 it's okay. I can feel my feelings, you know, and, and, um, and again, like I say, I mean,

341
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:11,840
 I know what I'm getting separated from God because I'm, I'm searching, you know, I'm online,

342
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:17,600
 you know, you know, Deepak Chopra, he's gonna yell me. Oh my God. He's having this great weekend

343
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:23,600
 getaway for $8,000. I should probably do that. You know, it's like, it's all in here and it's

344
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:28,080
 all with God and it's all with the sponsor. Um, and I'm, I'm, I'm kind of experimenting on things

345
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:34,240
 lately too, of just like minimalist trying to be like, just minimal, minimal life. I don't need,

346
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:38,640
 I don't need anything because you know, when I know that I'm in the mall and I'm out shopping,

347
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:43,600
 like I have my daughter for something right. And it's just like, Ooh, I want this and I want that.

348
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:49,520
 And when I'm in the mall and I'm, I don't feel anything I don't need, I don't want,

349
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,680
 and I don't need anything. To me, I must be centered right here, right? Because I don't

350
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:58,640
 need anything else to make me feel okay. Um, and so I'm, I'm actually experimenting with that right

351
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:03,440
 now. Just this minimalist approach to life, get up my gratitude list. I currently don't own a car

352
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:09,440
 right now and I've never felt better in my life. I was sitting in my, my place a couple, about a

353
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:15,280
 month ago and I, I get a sty on my eye, like maybe every few years and I wake up and I look like a

354
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:21,120
 cyclops and I can't leave the house. You know, I, you know, I don't own a car and I'm like sitting

355
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:26,480
 and I'm on my computer and I'm looking around and just this feeling of gratitude came over me and

356
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:32,800
 I'm like, wow, I, I, I, I, I feel very blessed right now. You know, and I had texted my friend

357
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,680
 cause I usually go to this meeting on Monday and I was like, they're probably don't want me there

358
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,240
 right now. Cause probably they got a pink eye and I'm going to give it to the whole place or

359
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:42,000
 whatever, you know? So it's like, we have to be so much more careful about with COVID. It's like,

360
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:46,720
 what's wrong with you? And so I sent him a picture of my face and I was just like, you know,

361
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:51,600
 I can't come, you know, I got this, this weird thing. And I said, I've never felt so grateful

362
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:57,600
 lately in my life. I said, I'd like a, like a minion, you know, I'm like, I don't own a car.

363
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:03,440
 Work is not that busy right now. I don't have a lot of income coming in. I'm so happy. My life is,

364
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:09,440
 you know, that's just suiting up, showing up and doing the work. You know, I'm here,

365
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:15,120
 I'm here right now. And, and God, I don't know what God has planned for me. You know,

366
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:20,400
 I just have to suit up, show up and do the next indicated action, but he is my employer.

367
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:25,200
 So I have no control over what happens. I can suit up, show up and think that I know the way

368
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:28,800
 it's going to turn out. It might not turn out that way, but that's okay. Cause that's what my God

369
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:35,360
 wanted it to be. So I am going to close with that. I thank you guys very much for having me. It's

370
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:40,800
 such a chill meeting. I'll love it. Thank you so much for your lead. I identified a great deal.

371
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:44,560
 And yeah, let's not take ourselves so seriously. Thank you.

372
00:29:52,480 --> 00:30:08,560
 Thank you. Great job. I relate to you. I was not housewife.