1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:29,980 I am Holly Alcoholly, looking at a blank wall. Okay, I am just up. Thank you, Karen, for asking me to come and speak at your meeting. And I just and and I just love Nate, I just loved your pitch. I was taken back to I've been taken back to early AA all day today. I had we had a memorial for Rashid, who died 2 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:59,980 62 years sober in Hermosa Beach and got to go on zoom and remember recall. And one of the neatest things about this whole thing is, is that if Rashid hadn't stuck around for 62 years, I never could have made it if I didn't stick around. I'm, I'm about what am I over? Well, over 39 years sober, and I have been able to do what I could never have done before. 3 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:29,980 And that's been of real use in this world. You know, I was not a real use for a very long time. I, I like what you said about that. So the newcomer anyway, the newcomer, I'm so glad that you guys keep coming. I'm glad for when you stay. Otherwise, this thing would have died a long time ago. So you are important. So yeah, so I got sober in Hermosa Beach. It was my second time. The first time had been six years prior. 4 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:59,980 And it was miserable. I hated every minute of it. I had no idea what you guys were saying. It was a foreign language. I had no hope. I lived in Lancaster, California, and went to the arid club, you know, very dry. And, and everybody was very old. And, um, I mean, like, I was I was pretty young at the time, but it was like, but I, you know, one of the things I went crazy. And I didn't know. 5 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:28,980 I did not realize that. What I didn't realize is that alcoholism isn't about drinking, not drinking, or drinking. It's not. It was it was a disease. And it was that it was a psychological disorder. And so when I didn't drink, I was restless, irritable, discontent. When I did drink, I was restless, irritable, discontent. And I to the extreme where I couldn't fit inside my skin. 6 00:02:28,980 --> 00:02:58,900 And the only thing when I was up there at 23 years old, or whatever I was, um, and, and I was sober for about nine months. And I picked up a drink again. And I just went, what was I thinking? You know, I wasted a whole nine months of good partying, you know, and it was like, and I swore I'd never darkened the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous again, it didn't work. Right. Um, the thing is, is that it took six years later, I moved down to 7 00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:28,860 Venice, and then I moved over to the South Bay. And, and I don't know what happened, except things got worse. And I was pretty pretty, you know, pretty much sick. I was living in Hermosa Beach. And I lived down by 14 bound by Hennessy's and the lighthouse and all that good stuff. So I'd walk over there and at night, and I would find alcohol and I would find, you know, some guy to, you know, make me feel valid. 8 00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:58,820 Important, or that I was worth something. And, um, one night, I guess, you know, it was what was happening is that, well, I lived with this lady that was, I mean, she, she is great. She's like, Boston Irish, right. And she, she's Marvin Gaye's mother in law. And she was, she looked like Aunt B from, you know, the Andy Griffith Show, she had this bun on her hair, you know, white hair bun, and had 9 00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:28,260 her little dog in her moo moo, and smoked dope did Coke. And, and I just loved her. And she had one nerve left, and I was on it. And that was what she told me, she let me know this. And so I was I was on on the outs with my roommate. And, um, I was not doing so good. You know, I used to like to have at least two guys. So in case one didn't show, which that happened, another would call, and nobody, 10 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:57,980 nobody. And now I'm starting to hit this wall of loneliness, this incredible, outrageous, the depth that they talk about in the big book on the loneliness. And I remember saying a stupid prayer about help me, you know, like, okay, help me. And the neck, I went out that night to the bar, like I always did. Because Peter never called. And I've never seen, well, anyway, I'll get that. But anyway, Peter never called. So I went over to the bar, and I met 11 00:04:57,980 --> 00:05:27,940 another guy. And we were out walking on the pier, and I'm going, I'm telling him just how miserable my life is, and what a victim and all that kind of stuff, you know, and going on and on and on. And he looked at me, he goes, What do you think your problem is? And I said, I know what my problem is. I'm an alcoholic. And he says, instead of feeling sorry for me, he says, Well, then you know what to do about it. You know, I don't think I gave him my number, I went home. It's like, this was not a guy 12 00:05:27,940 --> 00:05:57,860 for me. And I just didn't even why would he say that to me? That was so rude. And the next day, Peter call, and he said, Would you like to go out with me tonight? And apparently, so I am all excited. I'm going out with Peter, we're going out on a date. And he drives us to the Hermosa Beach Alano Club. And he goes, Oh, I got a DUI, and I'm required to go to a meeting. And so I think I'm going on a date, and I end up 13 00:05:57,860 --> 00:06:27,540 back in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I never saw Peter again, he dropped me and ran. And that's kind of my story. You know, I mean, it's like, what's wrong with me, you know, one more time, but, but something happened, there was something going on there this time. Um, this time, um, there was a meeting I understood, and Nate said it that language of the heart, you know, and there was a woman's meeting the next day or whatever. And, and one woman was talking 14 00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:32,340 about how she was crying about somebody being jealous about her. And then another woman 15 00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:39,620 had just come back from, um, she had ran off to get married to somebody and came back married 16 00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:46,100 to somebody else. And it was like, hysterical, and I love them. These were my people, all of a 17 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:52,900 sudden, they got me I really, you know, and April walked me home that day that, you know, she walked 18 00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:58,580 me to because I didn't live very far from the Alana club. And, um, but she walked me home. And years 19 00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:04,180 later, I always heard that that that's what we are about Alcoholics Anonymous is just walking each 20 00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:09,620 other home. And I love that because that's what happened. That was the appeal. Um, Rashid was my 21 00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:17,540 first sponsor. He had about 23 years sober married. And I was in I don't know, I was in the habit of 22 00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:24,100 adopting people. I didn't have a family of my own other than I was a single mom of one daughter. And 23 00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:30,980 so I kept looking for people that liked me, you know, and, and so, um, and he, he met me where 24 00:07:30,980 --> 00:07:36,580 I was at 23 years sober, he was, he didn't go, Oh, I can't sponsor you. You're a woman, you know, 25 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:45,460 thank God, because nobody was safe for me, except that person is this gentleman is a French Algerian. 26 00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:51,700 And, um, and he was he met me where I was and had me do, you know, four step and, and it was 27 00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:58,740 basically 40 pages, single space type written about how they did it to me. And I read it to him. 28 00:07:58,740 --> 00:08:05,860 And he said something about, you know, that she'd make a good book. And I agreed. But it was like, 29 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:14,500 it is what it did was unload unload. But later I, you know, I was I stayed in a I loved it. I went 30 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:22,180 to the risk slasher meetings at midnight, I was secretary at one point, I went to the attitude 31 00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:28,180 adjustment at 630am. And I look like I'd been drinking all night because I've been up all night. 32 00:08:28,180 --> 00:08:35,620 I did not look a vision for you. I was not a vision sober. And but I was I was sober. And 33 00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:41,220 but one of the things I had trouble with was understanding the first step, I really thought 34 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:49,540 that I had made a decision to come in day a that I somehow, you know, had the power of choice. Now, 35 00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:54,180 they talked about powerlessness. And then they would talk about what do you do to stay sober, 36 00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:59,060 you know, which was kind of contradictory to me, I was having a little bit of difficulty with all 37 00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:05,460 that. So I just took credit. And so I, you know, the boss of myself, and you're not the boss of me. 38 00:09:05,460 --> 00:09:11,860 And so it was hard for anybody to tell me what to do. The humility came when I first took direction 39 00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:18,740 from somebody. And, but I didn't do that very often or very well. And, and it showed in my 40 00:09:18,740 --> 00:09:27,300 sobriety. I was probably, you know, I was starting to get around six years sober or something and 41 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:32,980 very uncomfortable. I had heard in meetings, you just work the steps once I work the steps, 42 00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:38,580 you know, like a buffet, I took what I wanted and left the rest, you know, and did a little bit, 43 00:09:38,580 --> 00:09:44,740 the only amends I made were the ones I got caught in, you know. And, but it was, it was, 44 00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:50,740 it was a half-assed attempt, and it showed. And my life was a failure, I would, you know, and I, 45 00:09:50,740 --> 00:09:56,820 and I just didn't understand that I didn't understand until somebody sat down with the 46 00:09:56,820 --> 00:10:01,940 big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and we started going through and they, what they did is they 47 00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:07,460 started turning the statements into questions. Was this true for me? Was this true for me? 48 00:10:07,460 --> 00:10:14,260 I had to have somebody take me through that had been taken through this way, because the book was 49 00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:19,620 like, I swear to God, it was like Charlie Brown's teacher, you know, I mean, I had been secretary 50 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:26,180 of a big book study and I didn't have a clue what it was saying because it wasn't talking to my 51 00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:32,900 head, it was talking to my heart. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a transition. It's 52 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:39,540 transportation, it's transmissible. I can't begin, I don't even know what happens, but something 53 00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:46,740 took me, you know, but I was willing to be taken. And, and when I followed what this person, this, 54 00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:54,180 this step guide had me do every step of the way, something transformational happened. And I started 55 00:10:54,180 --> 00:11:02,100 to see that this first step thing wasn't about my power at all, that this was about, I really 56 00:11:02,100 --> 00:11:09,300 had lost, you know, like, like they talk about, it's step one is about mind, body, and spirit. 57 00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:14,820 And is what had happened is when I was about a year sober, or not even a year sober, I had 58 00:11:14,820 --> 00:11:21,220 gone on a camping trip with a bunch of drinkers, old friends, and no big deal, you know, they knew 59 00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:28,100 I was sober, not a not a thing. And we think Lori, you are, I'm hearing something in the background 60 00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:36,900 there. Um, can you mute there, Lori? Anyway, so, um, I'll try to the so I went, let's see what 61 00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:41,940 happened. So I went on this camping trip with these people. And, um, like I said, no big deal, 62 00:11:41,940 --> 00:11:50,100 they knew where I was in a, we went to the, we came back, and, and then we went to the American 63 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:56,100 Legion for lunch. And I walked in, and I walked up to the bar, and I said, scotch and water, please. 64 00:11:56,100 --> 00:12:01,460 And I didn't even know I said it, you guys. I didn't know I said it. The people that were 65 00:12:01,460 --> 00:12:07,060 on the side of me all turned around in unison, and went, No, you know, and two of them had never 66 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:11,300 even seen me drink. I don't know what their, you know, what their problem was. But there was a, 67 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:17,140 but there was something that was what it was like bending over and tying my shoe. And then I 68 00:12:17,140 --> 00:12:24,340 understood what the, when they talk about cunning, baffling and powerful with this was, I really got 69 00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:30,660 it scared the shit out of me, sorry, scared me to death. And, um, I got in and I started listening 70 00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:35,620 to what people were saying. And other another thing is that I really didn't think that I had 71 00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:43,940 the phenomenon of craving, which is body. Um, the, you know, the body was, I thought it was DTS, 72 00:12:43,940 --> 00:12:50,100 you know, I mean, this is how, and I'm not stupid, but this is how my ego works. It will find a way 73 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:56,500 out. I'm different. I'm not the same as you. And, um, that's what the disease wants. It thinks it 74 00:12:56,500 --> 00:13:03,860 can, it can live without a body sort of guy. It wants us drunk. And, and everything that I do, 75 00:13:03,860 --> 00:13:09,700 um, from the ego is what Nate talked about, selfish, self-centered, all that kind of stuff. 76 00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:16,100 And that's all about getting back to that drink. But anyway, so I was, um, I, I was looking at this, 77 00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:22,180 the, uh, Dr. Silkworth talking about the phenomenon of craving and it was what he said is 78 00:13:22,180 --> 00:13:29,300 that basically, and I'm not doing it exactly right, but if I ever drank more than what I 79 00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:36,020 set out and I intended to drink, um, that I'm not a normal drinker if ever now that didn't make a 80 00:13:36,020 --> 00:13:41,700 lot of sense to me until I started remembering that I used to go out for happy hour after work 81 00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:47,300 and I had a babysitter and I had to be home at a certain time. And if you hooked me up to a lie 82 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:52,660 detector test, I would have been home by eight. I absolutely would have, and no, I wasn't going 83 00:13:52,660 --> 00:13:58,580 to be drunk. But once I got a couple in me, I didn't realize that it was no long. I just thought 84 00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:02,980 I changed my mind, right? I just, I mean, everybody's having fun. They love me. They want 85 00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:08,260 me here. You know, I look great, you know, and I didn't start looking better and better as I got 86 00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:14,100 blurrier and blurrier. Funny how that works. It works on zoom too, by the way. Um, but the, uh, 87 00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:20,180 the thing about it is like, I didn't, I didn't recognize what they meant, um, that that was 88 00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:29,460 alcoholism until I was almost 12 years sober. And by then I was, um, pretty crazy and I was sober 89 00:14:29,460 --> 00:14:36,340 and I was on my way out and I talked to a friend of mine. I said, I don't really know what to do. 90 00:14:36,340 --> 00:14:40,900 You know, it's like, I just need a way out. And she said, what do you mean by that? I said, 91 00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:45,460 I don't know, suicide. And she said, well, what makes you think you'd feel any better without a 92 00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:51,540 body? I, that kind of got my attention, you know, it's like, well, maybe not suicide. Maybe I need 93 00:14:51,540 --> 00:14:56,100 to drink, you know? And, um, and it was really funny. I mean, that's what I said in my head, 94 00:14:56,100 --> 00:15:00,500 not to her. I'd never tell that to another alcoholic. They might talk me out of it. Um, 95 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:07,700 but I, uh, I called a friend April, that woman that walked me home that day, she had drank after 96 00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:13,380 seven years and she couldn't get sober again. She had drank after 12 years. I'm sorry. And she 97 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:19,380 couldn't get sober again. And I saw that and I was 12 years sober and I, and I talked to her and I 98 00:15:19,380 --> 00:15:24,820 said, um, uh, you know, I'm not sure. I think maybe I need to drink too. And she goes, oh no, 99 00:15:24,820 --> 00:15:30,500 don't. She goes, you might not make it back. And you know, it took her another what, 12 years to 100 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:37,220 get back something like that. But she wasn't, you know, for some reason that because I was on this 101 00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:43,780 side of, um, I was just on a dry drunk. I wasn't on a wet drunk. Something could get in. And that 102 00:15:43,780 --> 00:15:50,020 was, that was my hope. That was always my thing is that no matter what I went through, there was 103 00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:56,500 a way through and, you know, um, and that somebody else had been there. There was a community here 104 00:15:56,500 --> 00:16:01,380 that, you know, shared their experience, strength and hope that no, I could get through anything. 105 00:16:01,380 --> 00:16:06,580 And if I picked up a drink that that connection, you know, that opening, that hope would be 106 00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:13,780 completely gone. It would be gone. And so, um, I don't know why I didn't. And that is when the 107 00:16:13,780 --> 00:16:21,380 person showed up that took me through the steps as in the book. And so by then it was like, I was, 108 00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:28,100 you know, um, unbelievably, I did not understand, like I said, from what I understand that it's a 109 00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:35,380 three-part disease, three-part, um, solution and it's spiritual, mental, and, um, in the body and 110 00:16:35,380 --> 00:16:42,980 physical. And, um, my solutions had to be, you know, um, I had to do service. I was doing a lot 111 00:16:42,980 --> 00:16:51,300 of service. I had to unity, go to meetings. I was doing a lot of meetings, recovery, the steps, 112 00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:58,260 not so much, not so much. I was hiding out. I love that. You know, I was a runner too. 113 00:16:58,260 --> 00:17:03,700 I ran away from pain. I tried to figure out ways around it. I tried not to put myself in those 114 00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:09,220 situations. I was extraordinarily, you know, I didn't do a fear inventory. I did a terror 115 00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:17,860 inventory. I love what they did. There was a joke in the rooms and they said, um, you know, like, 116 00:17:17,860 --> 00:17:23,300 uh, when a normal person breaks down on the freeway, they call AAA. When an alcoholic breaks 117 00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:29,300 down on the freeway, we call suicide prevention because everything was extreme. Everything was 118 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:36,740 extreme. And, um, so I, you know, and I started seeing that the spiritual part of recovery was, 119 00:17:36,740 --> 00:17:41,940 um, where then it's the emotional sobriety. That's what we were, they were talking about, 120 00:17:41,940 --> 00:17:46,660 you know, and I didn't get it. I thought I was supposed to self help myself all the way through 121 00:17:46,660 --> 00:17:51,780 this. I was going to therapists. I got to tell you what the litany of stuff I was doing is like 122 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:59,860 meditation groups therapy. Um, I did course in miracle science of mind, um, one science of mind, 123 00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:07,060 two, I did, uh, chanting. I did rebirthing. I did, um, you name it. I was trying to get, 124 00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:13,700 get well, I just wanted to just want it. I wanted peace and to be okay with peace, you know? And, 125 00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:19,700 um, I had an honest desire to feel better. Let me tell you, I just, you know, and I didn't know if I 126 00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:25,300 was going to drink, but that did scare me. And, um, so, you know, when I got to step two, I was, 127 00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:32,340 I was really having a hard time, but I had to get to some kind of a power. And I read this in the 128 00:18:32,340 --> 00:18:38,820 book. It just said that we were placed beyond human aid. And once I, then that means I need 129 00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:45,060 something beyond human aid. That's going to keep me sober and get me sober. A lot of us get sober 130 00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:52,020 and a lot of us quit. We quit dozens of times, but we can't stay stopped, you know, and that that's, 131 00:18:52,020 --> 00:18:59,140 that was huge, you know, because, um, we're suffering from the delusion that, um, we can 132 00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:05,220 pull this off somehow on our own merits, on our own way, you know, that we don't need this God 133 00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:11,620 thing or this spirituality or behaving like mother Teresa or being, you know, doing good works and 134 00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:16,420 all that. You know, I was so afraid I was going to end up handing out flowers at the airport, 135 00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:22,420 you know, I mean, it was like, but that, you know, one thing God's big enough that he that's not what 136 00:19:22,420 --> 00:19:28,500 he created me for, you know, and my job was to find out what he created me for. And I, um, you 137 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:34,100 know, did the, uh, one of the things is like, I told you, I didn't, I was looking for a family. 138 00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:40,660 I had, um, a hard time. I didn't have a sense of belonging. I had run away from, um, my home, 139 00:19:40,660 --> 00:19:47,860 um, when I was 16, because it was really a really sick type of place. And, um, and I had been pretty 140 00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:53,780 much on my own and trying to figure things out besides when you're 16, you think you know it all 141 00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:58,740 anyway, you know, right. And unfortunately the world doesn't really cooperate with all that, but, 142 00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:06,980 um, but I was struggling. And, um, and so when I got into this, this, this thing, this community, 143 00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:13,620 then I started having this, um, sense, uh, sort of a fleeting sense of belonging. You know, 144 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:19,700 when you're going to the last house on the block, which is Alcoholics Anonymous for your safety and 145 00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:27,220 wellbeing, you got to pick and choose sometimes. And I was very thin skin, very sensitive. And I 146 00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:32,500 was sure everybody was talking about me or thinking or judging me. And they were at times whenever I 147 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:37,140 talk, you are right now, I'm sure. And, uh, and the thing is, is I had to get past that, 148 00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:44,340 that horrible liability. And I couldn't until I did, you know, um, I started looking at all the 149 00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:50,180 things that created all the problems in my life. And that was, you know, um, one of the most 150 00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:56,100 freeing lines in the big book for me was that we found out our problems were of our own making. And 151 00:20:56,100 --> 00:21:01,860 I just, you know, what I love about that is, or what hit me about that, let me put it that way, 152 00:21:01,860 --> 00:21:09,140 that when I read that is that, uh, first the bad news was I had been sober 12 years and I had been 153 00:21:09,140 --> 00:21:17,300 giving AA 110%. I thought, I thought, and I was a mess. And that was very, very bad news. On the 154 00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:24,900 other hand, right behind it came this shift in perception. You know, that moment of that means 155 00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:32,020 they don't have to change for me to feel better, to have a good day. And that was a freedom for 156 00:21:32,020 --> 00:21:38,420 me. And so I was ready to get into that, you know, into this time of four step that wasn't about 157 00:21:38,420 --> 00:21:43,620 them, but you know, where I could look, where I had been having old ideas about how the world 158 00:21:43,620 --> 00:21:48,340 should be run, how they should be treating me. And number one, I think one of the biggest things is 159 00:21:48,340 --> 00:21:53,140 how I am different from my fellows. I mean, alcoholics, I hear them all the time. I just 160 00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:57,940 want to be normal. I'm not, what do you mean? Grateful alcoholic. You know what? I never met 161 00:21:57,940 --> 00:22:03,860 an alcoholic yet that wanted to be like their fellows. They want, they're superior or inferior. 162 00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:10,740 We're never across the line. We want, we like colorful. We like exciting. We like drama and we 163 00:22:10,740 --> 00:22:16,340 like, um, I don't know. It's, it's like fireworks and stuff. And you know what? That's who we are. 164 00:22:16,340 --> 00:22:21,220 That's who we are. And I love that about us. I've never laughed so hard as when I was in AA 165 00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:28,420 meetings, you know, the, um, I remember, Oh God, rotten run. I mean, he, he, he talked about how, 166 00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:34,340 when he first came in, he was sleeping in his car, in the parking lot of the Hermoso Beach Alana 167 00:22:34,340 --> 00:22:40,580 Club. And, um, and his, he had his girlfriend move in with him, right. You know, into his car 168 00:22:40,580 --> 00:22:45,700 and she left him for a guy with a back seat. You know, I mean, how do you, where do you go 169 00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:51,380 with that kind of stuff? It's just hysterical. And, um, and these were my people, you know, 170 00:22:51,380 --> 00:22:56,420 and anyway, so that the deal is, is like, I don't want to be normal. I want to be me out of the 171 00:22:56,420 --> 00:23:02,900 bottle. Who did you create God? What was that all about? And part of that is about, um, you know, 172 00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:09,140 finding out who I'm not. And that was an amazing process. That's what the four step is. That's what 173 00:23:09,140 --> 00:23:14,660 the four step was. I thought I had low self-esteem by the time I got through with that third column, 174 00:23:14,660 --> 00:23:21,220 I found out I had actually a pretty elevated view about myself, very high opinion. I really, 175 00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:26,020 you know, and you guys weren't doing it right. That whole third column turned out for me to be 176 00:23:26,020 --> 00:23:32,900 all my rules and demands for you to make sure I was wrapped in cotton and not hurt ever, ever. 177 00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:38,740 And, um, you know what, you guys don't cooperate. Don't cooperate. I had many, many teachers and 178 00:23:38,740 --> 00:23:44,660 alcoholics anonymous, um, and teacher by teachers. I mean, people that pissed me off and I had to do 179 00:23:44,660 --> 00:23:49,940 resentment inventories on them. And, um, and in the fourth, you know, when we're talking about, 180 00:23:49,940 --> 00:23:55,460 you know, looking at our selfishness, it's like, where am I thinking on behalf of me is what 181 00:23:55,460 --> 00:24:02,740 happened is a resentment is basically a resentment is when I think that things should go one way and 182 00:24:02,740 --> 00:24:08,900 you bump into what my belief system is about me in some way and, or how it affects me. And you've 183 00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:14,100 done something, you know, looked at me sideways, you know, that's a good one. Look at me sideways. 184 00:24:14,100 --> 00:24:19,540 Um, you know, my husband, before we got married, he kept going, uh, you know, kind of disappearing 185 00:24:19,540 --> 00:24:24,100 and, um, and I'm going, Oh, he's doing the yo-yo. He's just afraid of commitment. Oh, 186 00:24:24,100 --> 00:24:29,540 he's got all this stuff. He's I've got, doesn't he know I have abandonment issues, 187 00:24:29,540 --> 00:24:35,780 you know, what is he doing? And, and I did this inventory and all of a sudden is what I saw was 188 00:24:35,780 --> 00:24:42,740 he wasn't running away from me. He was running for higher ground. I was, I was after him. I was like, 189 00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:47,860 you take care of me. You make me feel better. You, um, you know, uh, take that, you know, 190 00:24:47,860 --> 00:24:54,340 whatever it is. I had a whole set agenda on how people are supposed to relate to me in order. So 191 00:24:54,340 --> 00:25:02,020 I'm okay. And, um, and, and the other one was, I, I thought I was depressed. And once I did that 192 00:25:02,020 --> 00:25:08,100 inventory is what I saw. Thank God, here's the deal. Thank God. It wasn't just mental illness, 193 00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:13,700 because if it was mental illness, I would have had to be on a medication. I can't tell tolerate and I 194 00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:19,460 can't. And I, some people can and I, but I'm lucky that I couldn't tolerate it because I had to work 195 00:25:19,460 --> 00:25:25,140 this thing as though my life depended on it. And as what I got to see as I wasn't in, I wasn't 196 00:25:25,140 --> 00:25:31,460 clinically depressed. I'm an alcoholic. I was in chronic self pity. That was a hard one to see. 197 00:25:31,460 --> 00:25:38,260 That was rude. That hurt my feelings. And it was the most freeing thing I've ever run into. I had, 198 00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:44,500 uh, the reason I ran away from home was because of a stepfather, abusive stepfather. And, um, 199 00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:51,060 and I had him for years and I know that, you know, here he was again, another on my resentment list 200 00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:57,780 and all this stuff. And I had to get to a place of forgiving this person for giving. I mean, 201 00:25:57,780 --> 00:26:02,900 it was like, how do you forgive a child abuser? I don't know. How do you do that? You know? 202 00:26:02,900 --> 00:26:09,300 And, um, and I, but I prayed and, and to this power that I wasn't, I was still having a little 203 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:14,580 trouble with, I'm going to tell you that right now, I've never defined God. If I did, it wouldn't be God. 204 00:26:14,580 --> 00:26:18,900 Let me tell you right now, but I do know that there's something and it runs through all of us. 205 00:26:18,900 --> 00:26:24,100 We, we feel it because we stay together and we stay sober and that's a miracle. Um, but this 206 00:26:24,100 --> 00:26:30,900 thing I prayed and I looked up in the dictionary, the word forgive, and it means having no resentment 207 00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:38,660 and connection with, I needed to be free of that resentment because it kept me sick. It kept me a 208 00:26:38,660 --> 00:26:47,220 victim. It kept me, um, uh, you know, like the self-recrimination when my stepdad wasn't around, 209 00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:52,820 but I was still beating myself up and I couldn't stop at the old tapes. The old ideas book says, 210 00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:57,620 we must let go of our old ideas. They kill us. How do you do that? Well, first of all, 211 00:26:57,620 --> 00:27:03,540 you see a goddamn good reason. And the reason is, is I'm tired of that person running my life. 212 00:27:03,540 --> 00:27:10,740 He had no business. He couldn't run his own life, you know? And I, so I'm going, I want a way out. 213 00:27:10,740 --> 00:27:14,980 So I look up and it says, have no resentment and connection with, and then the next thing it said, 214 00:27:14,980 --> 00:27:22,020 thank you. I got it. Uh, the next thing it said is that, um, condone, it's like, does not condone 215 00:27:22,020 --> 00:27:28,260 what they did, you know? And it just meant that I have to move past it. And I was not going to 216 00:27:28,260 --> 00:27:33,940 condone what he did. I mean, I took what he did and I used it to protect myself all these years. 217 00:27:33,940 --> 00:27:39,380 You know, that was a hard thing to ever even think about wanting to give up on. But I had to, 218 00:27:39,380 --> 00:27:45,220 I'm an alcoholic. I'm different from my fellows. That means that thing is going to take me out 219 00:27:45,220 --> 00:27:51,380 drinking. And it doesn't matter if I have 30 days or 30 years. And what happened for me is 220 00:27:51,380 --> 00:27:56,980 that the freedom I owed him an immense, you know what I owed an immense for? I stole his change. 221 00:27:56,980 --> 00:28:04,420 Um, you know, I, um, he was a type of a person. Um, well anyway, I tried to get a hold of him to 222 00:28:04,420 --> 00:28:09,940 make the amends to give him back the money. And, and he, it turns out he's kind of afraid of me. 223 00:28:09,940 --> 00:28:16,820 And so he backed out at the last minute. And so I took that change and I gave it to an organization 224 00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:22,900 that he detested and it just, you know, it's that little bit of me in there, but still, you know, 225 00:28:22,900 --> 00:28:28,820 it just felt like I was clean with this and, um, still judgmental as shit, but, you know, clean. 226 00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:34,900 And, um, but the thing is, is I was willing and that was the deal about the nine step is like, 227 00:28:34,900 --> 00:28:41,620 I, I absolutely, I was so wanting to do, what is it? I always knew the difference between right 228 00:28:41,620 --> 00:28:46,980 and wrong. And I always felt good when I did the right thing. Right. I just couldn't pull it off 229 00:28:46,980 --> 00:28:51,780 because between me and the right thing was something I thought I needed to be okay. 230 00:28:51,780 --> 00:28:58,740 You know, give that up, how am I going to give that up? And, um, but I, do you know, I just like 231 00:28:58,740 --> 00:29:04,260 this taste of freedom so much, you know, if freedom tasted like it was like when somebody 232 00:29:04,260 --> 00:29:10,740 gave me a slight slide look or commented on my share or whatever didn't hurt. It didn't 233 00:29:10,740 --> 00:29:17,460 bother me. I didn't care. I wasn't, I wasn't, you know, a rug, you know, squelching it down. 234 00:29:17,460 --> 00:29:22,340 It was like, I noticed it and I knew that they had a problem. They had a problem. I didn't have 235 00:29:22,340 --> 00:29:27,940 the problem, you know, it was like freedom. What is that? You know, it's like, when I look at, 236 00:29:27,940 --> 00:29:32,980 when I start to have something that stabs me in the gut, you know, you know, that feeling that, 237 00:29:32,980 --> 00:29:40,340 you know, um, and I can do a really quick force step on it and see where I can come out. And, 238 00:29:40,340 --> 00:29:45,860 you know, when you're married, you can do that a lot. And, um, and I got to where I was doing 239 00:29:45,860 --> 00:29:51,460 these little force, many four steps in my head, whenever my husband, you know, spoke in a tone 240 00:29:51,460 --> 00:29:57,140 that I didn't like or something like that. And, oh, he always got off the hook. He always got off 241 00:29:57,140 --> 00:30:03,300 the hook. I always found someplace I had either initiated it by starting off with a criticism 242 00:30:03,300 --> 00:30:09,140 or something, or how he could do something a little bit better, or I was selfishly looking 243 00:30:09,700 --> 00:30:16,100 on my behalf at the problem, or I was selfishly doing something on my behalf, which is self 244 00:30:16,100 --> 00:30:23,300 seeking. Or I was being dishonest or I was being afraid. And, um, and eventually, and then I would 245 00:30:23,300 --> 00:30:30,100 go, oh, that's what happened. And, you know, what's really neat is that as much as, um, 246 00:30:30,100 --> 00:30:36,340 as much as the disease is contagious and it is, I had somebody very early on tell me not to date 247 00:30:36,340 --> 00:30:41,220 newcomers, because they will pull me down before I can bring them up. That didn't stop me, but, 248 00:30:41,220 --> 00:30:47,300 you know, thank you, sweetie. Um, but I, uh, but I, you know, I, I've come to understand that, 249 00:30:47,300 --> 00:30:52,740 um, the, um, I forgot what I was saying. The, um, but anyway, the, the, the thing is about the 250 00:30:52,740 --> 00:30:59,060 newcomer is that, well, anyway, there's always, uh, one thing I've known and, and, um, I'm, 251 00:30:59,060 --> 00:31:05,300 like I said, like 39 and a half years sober and in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, 252 00:31:05,300 --> 00:31:11,460 a member of good standing. And I work with people and I take them through those, that step because 253 00:31:11,460 --> 00:31:17,220 we can, no matter what is going on, there's freedom on the other side. If we could have that, 254 00:31:17,220 --> 00:31:23,540 if we're willing to have that shift in perception and it's done to us, not by us. So it's, it's 255 00:31:23,540 --> 00:31:29,460 really neat that you don't have to have that. Um, you know, you don't have to make sure you pray 256 00:31:29,460 --> 00:31:36,580 right or stay in these little lines or boundaries. You know, God likes us the way we are, I guess. 257 00:31:36,580 --> 00:31:45,220 Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Holly. Good job. Really appreciate it. 258 00:31:45,220 --> 00:31:55,940 Everybody. Thank you. My life in 35 minutes. Great meeting.