1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,920 Hi. Thank you for asking me to come speak or share. Thank you for your share. 2 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:09,840 Welcome to all new friends. And thank you to my friends who came. I think I tell, 3 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,000 I'm supposed to tell my friends when I speak, 4 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,860 I don't know who came up with that idea, but we do that. 5 00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:18,040 We tell each other and then everybody shows up and then every time everybody 6 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:22,320 shows up, I feel like a complete fool because I think you guys, 7 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,920 how many times are you going to listen to me talk? 8 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:28,400 My sobriety date is February 19th, 1998. 9 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:31,840 And I just had my, I think my 20, 10 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,920 my 24th sober Thanksgiving. 11 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:40,000 And so that's been pretty amazing. I was talking about my Thanksgiving, 12 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:44,080 my home groups, the Valley club. I have a sponsor. She knows she's my sponsor. 13 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:48,120 I talk to her all the time. I sponsor other women. I have commitments in AA. 14 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:51,960 I have a prayer life. I have a meditation practice. I have two jobs. 15 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,760 I have two kids. I have three grand babies. I have a lot of things. 16 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,480 I have a mother I helped take care of. And, 17 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:03,080 and I'm able to do all of those things because I put Alcoholics Anonymous first 18 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,360 in my life. And I have since the very beginning, 19 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:09,760 even if I did it messy and sloppy and inconsiderately, 20 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:13,160 I still did it. I went to a million meetings in the beginning. 21 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:17,960 I had a lot of commitments and I took my commitments to the serious and I've 22 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:22,520 never participated in my sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous the whole time I've 23 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:27,280 been here. Um, so I went to the Valley club at the noon meeting and we were 24 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:31,680 talking about Thanksgiving and I was talking about the progression since I got 25 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:36,240 sober of before I got sober and the Thanksgivings would look like just a 26 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:39,900 painful night at my mom's house or my, you know, my mom and my stepdad, 27 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:44,360 they were about to have their 50th wedding anniversary. Um, anyway, my, 28 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:48,400 I used to drink and then have to have the dealer come and put drugs in the 29 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,480 mailbox because when I drink, I like to do Coke and it's like a vicious cycle. 30 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:56,900 Um, I am a diehard alcoholic. I love whiskey. 31 00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:59,480 I used to walk around with Seagrams with, um, 32 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:03,600 Southern comfort in my purse with my kids pushing a stroller, you know, 33 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:07,600 down in Venice beach. I thought that'd be a good Sunday just to go do that. And, 34 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:08,000 um, 35 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,560 but I would black out and then I wouldn't know where I dropped my kids off and 36 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,520 now I'm at a bar and call calling my, you know, 37 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:19,360 calling my my kid's dad to tell him some lie about something with the car and 38 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:23,640 the kids and, you know, always just scaring people. And so it would, 39 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:25,960 it was like that during my Thanksgivings. 40 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:30,400 And then what happened was when I got sober Thanksgiving seemed really painful. 41 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,720 I didn't know how to sit through dinner. 42 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,240 I didn't know how to be around all these people drinking. 43 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,680 It was highly uncomfortable. 44 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:40,400 I made it all about me and how uncomfortable Thanksgiving was going to be for 45 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,480 me. And what happened was when I started to share that with other people, 46 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:45,460 I had people say to me, 47 00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:48,840 why don't you see what you could do to be helpful at Thanksgiving instead of 48 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:53,040 what you can get out of it, see what you can bring to it. And so my Thanksgiving, 49 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,400 my Thanksgiving started to look differently. 50 00:02:55,400 --> 00:03:00,280 It started to look like I would wash the dishes and not run away as fast as 51 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:01,120 possible. 52 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:05,760 It looked like I would show up early and help set up and then help clean up. 53 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,640 It looked like, you know, I would help with people's kids. 54 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:12,520 It would look like different all the years that would pass look different, 55 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,960 where somehow where it was like my worst nightmare turned into one of my 56 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:21,120 favorite things to do was to start preparing and cooking and bringing food to my 57 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:25,760 family's house and having Thanksgiving. And last Thanksgiving, 58 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:31,680 was last Thanksgiving was a super painful Thanksgiving for us. 59 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,240 My, so we had Thanksgiving dinner and then right after dinner, 60 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,680 like an hour after dinner, my dad passed away. 61 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:41,960 And he was my stepfather for 50 years. And I'm 56. 62 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,160 He married my mom. He got with my mom when I was 50, 63 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,600 when I was three and married her when I was six. 64 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:51,280 So it's been my dad like the whole time and we had a great dinner and I 65 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,240 made the turkey and he carved the turkey and it was, it was an amazing night. 66 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,520 You know, it was like, you couldn't have asked for a better goodbye. And so, 67 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:02,400 you know, cut to yesterday was yesterday. 68 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,480 Now the day before yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was painful. 69 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,760 It was like another painful Thanksgiving. 70 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:11,480 It was having Thanksgiving without him and having, you know, the, 71 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:15,920 but the beauty was that everybody showed up and rallied for my mom and nobody 72 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,200 made it all about them. 73 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,400 And nobody was in the corner crying and making it about them. 74 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:25,040 And I don't believe that I'm responsible for how everything's 75 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,960 changed in my family lineage, 76 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:31,320 but I have my best girlfriend over here who's told me for 20 years, you know, 77 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:35,680 when I change, everything changes and I have changed in my family. 78 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,600 And so it's like, I'm the, 79 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:42,000 I'm probably the closest kid out of all the kids to my parents, 80 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,360 like physically and emotionally. And so they watch, 81 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,000 they watch me as kind of a gauge what's going on. 82 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:53,640 And everybody rallied for my mom and everybody brought dinner and 83 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:58,000 nobody made it a big, sad, traumatic night. And it was, it was hard. 84 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,800 It was heartfelt. And then the next day was yesterday. We had the, um, 85 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,280 unveiling for my dad at the cemetery. 86 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:07,960 It's a Jewish tradition and you take the cover off the tombstone or the, 87 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:12,360 the grave site and all the kids were there and the kids lifted the thing and we 88 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:16,000 put stones and prayed and it was so beautiful. 89 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:20,120 And then we all went back to my mom's and you know, nobody in the, 90 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,360 when I was drinking, 91 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:26,040 I would have always drank all those occasions and I would have always had to 92 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,280 leave because I couldn't handle any of it. And you know, 93 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:33,000 I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous, go early, stay late. How can you help? 94 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,680 And that's what I did. That's what I did Thursday. That's what I did Friday. 95 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,920 And that's what I did again today. It was like, today's another day. 96 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,800 I have family still in town and I was with, um, 97 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:47,600 my grandkids up until I got here today. I was at my mom's before that I was, 98 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,320 and I worked before that. And you know, I, 99 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:54,800 I grew up in the house that everyone's in now and I grew up there and I was a 100 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,160 latchkey kid and I early, 101 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:02,200 early on learned how to snoop and how to steal and I would snoop and I would 102 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:07,280 steal and that was like cigarettes and then it was weed and then it was alcohol 103 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:12,200 and then it was all of it. And I shared, it was funny at the, at the, 104 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,760 at the cemetery yesterday, everybody was talking and you know, I, 105 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:19,000 I might talk a lot in AA, but I don't like to talk in front of my family. 106 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,920 I'm very quiet for people who don't really know me. I'm, 107 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,240 I'm not like the most chit chatty person. 108 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:29,240 My friends tease me a little like asking me if I'm on a silent retreat and I'm 109 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,640 not very chatty unless I have something to talk about. 110 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:37,680 And so my mother called me out and she said, Siri, I want you to say something. 111 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,640 And I felt like I had to honor her. 112 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,840 And I was talking about how when we were younger, 113 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,200 we were still out of control. 114 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,440 And I remember my mom and stepdad fighting and he would say, 115 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,400 if you don't get these kids under control, I'm leaving, I'm out of here. 116 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,400 And my mom would do anything to protect that marriage. 117 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,080 And she put that marriage in front of us when we were young. 118 00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:01,280 And so she and my dad, they, they got a house somewhere else. 119 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:04,320 And by the time I was 12, they were gone all the time. 120 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,800 And it was me and my sister, my brother alone, 121 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,080 we drove away any babysitters they had. 122 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:13,000 Any anybody who she could get to stay with us would never make it through the 123 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,800 weekend. They would never, I mean, my brother held knives to my sister. 124 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:20,240 My sister used to beat us up, but we came from a lot of dysfunction. 125 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,280 I'm not going to lie. It was like, we came from violence. We came from abuse. 126 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:28,080 We came from neglect. And you wouldn't know that if you came over yesterday, 127 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,560 you'd say no way did any of that happen under this roof, 128 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:35,320 but it all happened under that roof and under my real dad's roof. 129 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:40,000 And my real dad died when I was 21 from alcoholism. And so I was, 130 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,880 I shared about that yesterday that I'm actually glad that, 131 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:48,360 that he didn't leave her and that she did protect her marriage. 132 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,680 And I might've done the same thing, you know, I might've done the same thing. 133 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:55,840 She did the best she could at 30 years old to protect herself because she was in 134 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:59,520 love with this man. And she thought, you know, she had to do what it took to keep 135 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:03,120 him. And, and I'm glad she did because he, 136 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,920 in fact is up until this point, 137 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,840 like the greatest man I've ever known in my whole entire life. 138 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,680 And I got to have many, 139 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:15,000 many conversations with both of them and heard conversations before he died 140 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,280 about what went on when we were, when we were kids, they didn't know, 141 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,760 they didn't know any, like they only knew we were in trouble all the time, 142 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,440 but they didn't know the pain. They didn't know the anguish. 143 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,680 They didn't know the abuse that was coming from my dad. 144 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,720 They didn't know until we told them. And, you know, 145 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,000 they were a little bit mortified that we kept it to ourselves all these years. 146 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,920 But we healed through all of it. And so I grew up there stealing from them, 147 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:42,440 the weed, the alcohol, the cigarettes. And then, like I said, I had no guidance. 148 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,080 So by the time I was 14, I would, 149 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,320 they would leave one car home and take one car away. 150 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,560 So I knew how to drive when I was 14 and I would drive their car drunk all the 151 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:54,240 time. And I was off and running and I was a blackout drinker and I loved it. 152 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:59,040 I loved it. And I did plenty of psychedelics. I love you said that, right? 153 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:03,640 Yeah. I, I, that was like my, my prime weekend was like, 154 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,920 I'm going to drink and then I'm going to take acid and then I'm going to smoke 155 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,200 weed to come down. And I, I really like, 156 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:13,880 I really partied hard and I love to get drunk and do 157 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:17,720 Coke and then really never talked to anybody. I was like solitary and just like, 158 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,840 I just, you know, 159 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:24,840 my problem is I couldn't stop trying to chase that my whole life, you know? 160 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:30,040 And so I met a guy in a bar and he loved some other woman. 161 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,840 So I married him and had some kids with him. 162 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:38,440 I grew up having no moral, like right and wrong. 163 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,160 I don't know what is appropriate love. 164 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,440 I don't know what appropriate attention is. 165 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,880 I don't know what appropriate affection it is. Like, I don't know. 166 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,080 All I know is that at least thank God, 167 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,480 I know this is a mixed meeting and it might be a really weird thing to say, 168 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,320 but I want to say it anyway. I knew enough that when I had my kids, 169 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:01,880 I knew enough that I would never lay my hands on my kids the way my hands were 170 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:05,680 laid on me like that I knew. And so when, when I, 171 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:09,960 I did scream and yell and I was a spanker in the beginning and when I say lay 172 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:14,480 hands, I'm not talking about spanking, I'm talking about other hands. And so when, 173 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:18,520 when I, when I did get sober, I was so, 174 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,400 I was so lucky on so many levels. 175 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,520 Like I don't know if it was the willingness or the desperation, 176 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:29,400 but I remember being at Radford hall and talking to some woman who was 177 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,400 sharing a story about like, 178 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:36,080 like mine with two little kids and an ex-husband who was an asshole. 179 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:40,680 And like, she was like really awful to her children. And she, you know, 180 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,760 20 years later, he's, she's writing his paychecks and the kids love her, 181 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:48,040 respect her. And I thought I got to talk to her and I actually talked to her. 182 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,160 And she suggested I go get outside help. And I did. 183 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,400 And I got a lot of outside help to learn how to be a better parent. 184 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,520 And before I did that, 185 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:59,280 I used to beg Angela to sleep at my house because I knew if I had somebody 186 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,720 sleeping over my house with my kids, I wouldn't raise my voice at my kids. 187 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,720 I'd be too embarrassed. Like it was like a, like a safety measure. 188 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:10,320 Like if she's there, I won't act psycho. So that was my safety measure. 189 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:15,480 And it worked most of the time, most of the time. And so you know, 190 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:16,600 what happened, I'll just say, 191 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,560 so what it was like was I was the complete wreck and a nightmare and I couldn't 192 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,600 like a, the jig was up. I couldn't hold it together any longer. 193 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,840 And I knew something had to happen and I would wish for death. 194 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:32,440 Like I would wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. And I, and I, 195 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,240 that was my thought when I'd go to bed. 196 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:39,040 But the thought when I woke up was I can never let my ex-husband and his new 197 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,520 girlfriend raise his kids in mind. Like how, like I couldn't, 198 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,840 I was really in a place of, you know, 199 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,880 when I got sober I used to hear about the longest journey is from the head to 200 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,640 the heart. And when you're having, you can't get there, 201 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,080 it's called internal conflict for me. 202 00:11:56,080 --> 00:12:00,240 And when I can't make a connection between my thinking and my feelings, 203 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,600 it's very conflicting. And then it's, that's when you have to, you know, 204 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,840 we pause and we meditate and we do writing and intense death and work it out 205 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,760 with our sponsor. Well, I didn't, couldn't do any of that when I was new, 206 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:14,000 I was like, I feel this way. I feel that way. I feel this way. 207 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,640 I feel that way. And I have to do something about how I'm feeling. 208 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:21,360 And so I really, it was really difficult for me to, you know, 209 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,280 gauge anything, but I did know a few things. And one of them was, 210 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,840 I don't want my kids taken away and I feel like I'm going to die. 211 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,880 And I didn't even think it was the alcohol. I wasn't even sure what it was, 212 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:36,320 but I went to work one day and Sanam loves when I tell a story. 213 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:40,520 I worked at this place since I was 19 years old and now I'm 31. 214 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,280 And there was a guy at my work who was 16 years sober, 215 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:48,280 who never ever even mentioned AA to me once I knew he was 216 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:52,480 sober and I knew he went to AA, but he never ever told me, you're a drunk, 217 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,560 you need help. He never said anything to me. 218 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:59,560 And I was driving to work and I dropped my kids off and I went and got 219 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,800 a drink so I could stop shaking. 220 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,440 And I wondered what lie I could tell when I got there. 221 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:08,360 Like I've told so many lies already and I never, ever, 222 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,200 ever that morning thought about anything other than what, 223 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,360 like how am I going to not work today? How can I, I cannot function. 224 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,960 I'm going to be sick and I'm shaking and I got to work. 225 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,880 And as soon as I crossed the threshold, 226 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,520 I walked straight to the sober guy and started crying. And I don't, 227 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,600 that's God. And he texted me on Thanksgiving two days ago, 228 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:30,560 "Sari, it's Steven, just saying happy Thanksgiving." And I wrote back and said, 229 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:35,160 "I'm in a meeting thanks to you." 24 years later, you saved my life. And you know, 230 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,120 we've, we, we connect every, very so often, you know, 231 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,360 it's like every few years he'll reach out to me. 232 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,440 But I went up to him and I just started crying and he just hugged me and he 233 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,080 said, "You don't have to live like this anymore. 234 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,720 Once you go to a meeting, you know, there's a better way." And I did. 235 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:53,720 And I went to a meeting and I got sober at the Moorpark meeting in Studio City 236 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,560 and at the noon. 237 00:13:55,560 --> 00:14:00,480 And I went there because I had no clients that day and I was bored, 238 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:01,560 and I didn't know what to do. 239 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:06,320 So I looked in the directory and I went and I didn't stand up new or do any of 240 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,720 the things we're supposed to do. So if you're new here, 241 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,280 you're supposed to identify that you're new. 242 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,680 You're supposed to let us meet you and then you're supposed to let us help you. 243 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:18,600 Well, I didn't do any of that. I just ran away as fast as I could. 244 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:22,840 And then I went again and I did the same thing and then I maybe did it one more 245 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,720 time. And then I drank one more time and I knew I was done. 246 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:29,640 I said to my girlfriend I was with, I went out, I didn't want to go out. 247 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,200 I drank, I didn't want to drink. 248 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,280 I was a place I didn't want to be at and I knew I was done. 249 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:38,280 And I knew I like for a lot of years that I don't know, 250 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,880 I hadn't known how to really honor my no, 251 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:45,880 like this is a no. That didn't exist in my life. It was more like, 252 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,400 what is that? Just I'll shove it down, whatever that is. 253 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,520 And so I was done and I went to work the next day and my friend asked me if I 254 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:56,600 had gone and done those things, stand up new, get a sponsor. And I said, no. 255 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,960 And so he asked me to go to a meeting with him and I did. 256 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,760 And I stood up as a newcomer and I got a sponsor, Kathy T. 257 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,400 I was assigned a sponsor and we, I didn't stick with her. In fact, 258 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,480 I didn't stick with anybody for like 10 months. 259 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:13,240 And my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous has been like one, 260 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:18,320 one blessing after another, after another, after another, it's been, 261 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,440 it's, it's so, it's so hard. I have, 262 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:26,000 I have this friend and he passed away. His name is Bill Hill. And he used to say, 263 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:30,160 you know, if, if you don't understand it, I can't explain it to you. 264 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,480 And if you do understand it, it's unexplainable. 265 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:38,160 And that's how it is for me with the program and with God and the 266 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,680 step, it's an experience that you have to have. That's why our book says, 267 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,560 this is an experience you shouldn't miss, 268 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,960 but they're talking about like helping someone and then watching them help 269 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,560 somebody else. And then the book says, this is an experience you cannot miss, 270 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:55,560 but it starts with, it starts way back here before you get there, 271 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:59,360 but you have to have all the experiences to get to that experience. 272 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:03,320 And so that's what it was like and what happened. And you know, 273 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:08,040 what it's like now is been the last 24 years has been a series 274 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:12,880 of pain and growth and more pain and more growth and more pain and more growth. 275 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:17,440 And I have never thought that a drink was a good idea in any of the times that 276 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:22,080 I've been in pain when I have had the most problems I've had the most 277 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:26,600 sponsors and it's, and I've been thinking about this lately. I feel really, 278 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,960 it's going to sound very bizarre. And if you've been sober for a while, 279 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:34,280 maybe you could relate or understand. So for the last like few years, 280 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:38,720 I think I have one girl that just turned a year and another girl that's like 17 281 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,840 months. And I have no new people in my life. Like I have, 282 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,160 I have girls that I've worked with and I it's so weird. 283 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,760 And I just thought of this just now. 284 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:50,520 And I wonder if my life's been so calm in a sense, 285 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,320 maybe I'm full flight from reality, 286 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:58,560 but my life has been so I have felt so okay in all 287 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,680 the turmoil that's gone on in the last few years. 288 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:05,080 Cause in the last couple of years have been horrendous, 289 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:09,800 like the losses and the pain that I've experienced in the last few years have 290 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,640 been like super traumatic. And I got a couple new girls during that time, 291 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,280 which I think really saved my life. 292 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:18,680 But now I can't get a new girl to do anything with me right now. 293 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,600 It's like maybe God's like, just chill out for a minute. You're fine. 294 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:26,200 Like everything's fine. Just chill out for a second. And you know, I, I, 295 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,640 I did just somebody, we were at a ladies meeting. No, 296 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,400 I was somewhere and somebody said, maybe it was yesterday. 297 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:36,680 This guy was sharing it 69 resemblance. It was hot. It was Thanksgiving. 298 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,280 Wait, was it Thanksgiving? Last night? It was last night. 299 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:44,480 This guy shared 69 resemblance on my resemblance. And I was like, 300 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:48,880 Jesus Christ. I just finished out with some girl who had 69 resemblance. 301 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,720 I hope she's not on a zoom call. 302 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:58,200 So I'm not working with people and not that I need to defend my sobriety or 303 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,240 explain it to anybody, but I'm not working with anybody. 304 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:05,000 But at my worst times, there's somebody in here, a friend of mine, 305 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,800 a friend of a friend or whatever you want to call it, who's known me. 306 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:13,880 And watched me probably like probably the worst times of my life, you know, 307 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:18,760 and I had the most newcomers and the worst times in my life. You know, 308 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:19,280 I have, 309 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:23,600 I have an amazing job and I'm transitioning into another amazing 310 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,800 opportunity. 311 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:29,960 And I own my home for 30 years and my kids are grown and my 312 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:34,480 son has launched and he's like going to fly to see some chick in 313 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,240 Austin. 314 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:40,040 And he just worked on a movie in Boston on location and my 315 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:43,840 daughter's married and she has three kids and she's having a successful 316 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,480 relationship. And my mother's, 317 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:51,520 my mother invited my daughter and grandkids and husband to move in 318 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:55,440 with her and the house I grew up in so they could save up to buy a house and 319 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,680 they took them up on it. 320 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,080 And so my kids are living in the house I grew up in and it's three miles up the 321 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,920 street from here. And I live like a mile that way. And, and I, Ooh, 322 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:07,240 I feel so weird saying it. And I got engaged last week. 323 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:13,200 My ring's getting sized right now, but it's like so weirdly, you know, 324 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,720 when I heard you and I'm like, Ooh, 325 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:19,560 I'm about to have a successful relationship. I think I'm so okay, 326 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,840 but I'm afraid something's going to make me not okay. 327 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:27,280 I don't need a man and I don't need money and I don't need 328 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:31,640 handouts and I don't need hugs. And I don't like, I don't need things. 329 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:36,360 I'm I'm I have been praying for so many years to be self-supporting 330 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,600 body, mind, and spirit, you know? And it's like, I, 331 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,600 I really feel, and like I said, I could be insane. 332 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,160 And maybe all you guys think she's insane. 333 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,080 She doesn't even know what her life looks like, 334 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,000 but it feels to me that everything's fine. 335 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:57,080 That everything's fine. Like everything's okay. And you know, 336 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,600 I just, I mean, I've been in a place in my life for like the last few years, 337 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,960 I don't know, maybe the last three or four years, 338 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:08,600 I can't say exactly where I really feel God's presence just work through me. 339 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,200 Just like, I don't have to do anything. I don't have to say anything. 340 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,240 I don't have to do anything. I can just be, I can just show up. 341 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,960 I could be where I say I'm going to be. I like my small life. I like, you know, 342 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,120 I like everything exactly how it is. And I make, 343 00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:29,080 I make really weird commitments to myself that I don't tell people because I, 344 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,400 I have, I don't, I, 345 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,680 I have pet peeves and one of them are people who run their mouths. 346 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:38,400 I don't like that. Like at all, at all, whether it's gossip or, 347 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,440 or the fake life you're about to have that you never follow through with, 348 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:46,280 like just be quiet. This is an action program, you know? 349 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:50,320 And so I, I like to make amendments for myself, you know, 350 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,920 and I committed like many years ago, like I'm going to see the world, 351 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,040 I'm going to go somewhere every year and see the world. 352 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:00,960 And I did it for like five years and then, and then my dad passed away. 353 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:06,240 So now I made this other like little weird secret commitment to myself that I'm 354 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,880 not going to see the world till my mom leaves the world because I don't want to 355 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,960 be like in India and find out my mom died. 356 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:17,760 And this is a woman who I was so angry at, 357 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:22,200 so angry at for so long because she didn't protect me. 358 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,160 She abused me. She didn't, you know, 359 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:29,880 she really didn't fend for me when I was little. And, um, 360 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,280 she chose my dad in front of me. 361 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:36,400 And so it took me three years to make my amends to her, 362 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:37,960 to do a nine step amends with her. 363 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,560 And I remember I sat down with her and I made my amends to her and she was 364 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,400 crying and I was still mad. And I said, what are you crying about? 365 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:48,000 Like, what are you crying about? I wanted to pull on her what she's to do to me. 366 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,640 Why don't you go in the bathroom and wash your face and come out smiling, 367 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,440 or I'm really going to give you something to cry about. Like that was my mom's, 368 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:58,160 that would be my mom's, my sister. And I say that to each other, joking, 369 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:02,640 like when we cry, I'm like, are you crying? We torture each other with it. 370 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:07,040 So my mom was crying. I said, why are you crying? And she said, 371 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:11,760 I was such a shitty mom. I was so selfish and I'm so sorry I didn't protect you. 372 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:16,480 And she really, really, it was like the book, the promises, you know, she, 373 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:21,360 she made her amends to me and it still took probably another 10 years 374 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:25,480 for me to actually like, let it all go, like to let it go, 375 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,800 but to let her into my heart, like to really let her in, you know, 376 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,840 to let her be. And, and even, you know, 377 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:36,080 so the last few years during COVID and all this other, 378 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:40,720 whatever drama was going on in the universe that was real and really painful for 379 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:41,680 a lot of people, 380 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:46,280 I was able to go and spend so much time with my mom and dad and really 381 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:50,560 become a person they can count on. And it was my mends to them. 382 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,520 And so now, now I did it for, 383 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,600 I did it with my dad because my mom was there, 384 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,000 but she was still that mom that was so hard to even deal with. 385 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,600 And then my dad died and now it's about my mother. 386 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:06,120 And now it's like I go over there and I see her and she counts on me and there's 387 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:09,840 a lot of us. I have five sisters and two brothers. I'm not the only person. 388 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:15,360 But I'm definitely the only person that's sober and in recovery and that 389 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:19,400 knows how to be appropriate and knows how to leave when I'm uncomfortable. 390 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:23,280 And so yeah, I don't know how much time I have left. I do. 391 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,640 I have like 10 minutes. Wow. How am I going to fill up 10 minutes? Okay. 392 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:30,360 So this is what I was thinking before I came to the meeting was how am I going 393 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:34,480 to go to the meeting and act like I have something to even offer when I have 394 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,640 actually been in like the foulest mood all day long. 395 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:42,480 And so I've had the last two weeks off work and I really hate when 396 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:47,480 people disturb my two weeks off. It's so bad. It's so bad. 397 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:52,440 But so I was having some couple people were having some conflict around 398 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,280 me and it, it involved me. It was like, I was the middle of the conflict. 399 00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,280 That was my first week off. That was infuriating to me. Then, 400 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,920 then my grandbabies decided to get sick and my 401 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:09,960 daughter was losing her mind. So then that happened. And then my, 402 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,760 my boyfriend became sick from the grandbabies and I was like, God, 403 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:18,480 I'm not a nurse. Why do I have to take care of people? And so, 404 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:19,760 you know, but you know, 405 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:23,400 I did go to a meeting almost every single day that I've been off work and I did 406 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:27,800 step work and I was in touch with my sponsor and I went to Disneyland 407 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,080 and I, 408 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:32,560 and I'm going to Las Vegas next weekend to see a friend of mine get married. 409 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:37,360 And I have, I have so much, so my life's so full, you know, 410 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:41,160 and so I, I'll just tell this story. This, 411 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:45,160 this room used to be my home group for many, many years. 412 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,400 It was a Sunday morning meeting called the good, 413 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:51,080 bad and indifferent women's stag. And it was 10 AM on Sunday mornings. 414 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:55,080 When I was four years sober, I still had never gone to women's meetings. 415 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:58,800 Cause I was like, I hate women's meetings. I'm not going, I hate women. 416 00:24:58,800 --> 00:24:59,600 I don't trust them. 417 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:04,320 So then I went through my first horrible heartbreak and sobriety and I thought, 418 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:07,560 how am I going to survive this? No God and no women. 419 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:12,120 Like I really was not doing well. And because I didn't share that part, 420 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:13,720 I'll talk about that also. 421 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,520 It took me like four and a half years before I started praying. 422 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,560 I don't recommend that to anybody, but that's just my story. 423 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:23,280 And it took me four and a half years to go to women's meetings. Again, 424 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,640 I don't recommend that for anybody, but that was my story. 425 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:28,840 So I went to my dresser, 426 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:33,000 my nightstand drawer and I have the directory that my friend at work gave me from 427 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,880 years before. And I pulled it out and I found this meeting. 428 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,040 So I came to this meeting. 429 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:42,200 So this was my meeting every Sunday, 10 o'clock for like nine and a half years. 430 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:46,000 And I met my, I had a sponsor for that first four years. 431 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,800 Her name was Michelle H and she was amazing. 432 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:52,800 And she took me through all 12 steps and she was good for me up until this 433 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:56,560 point. And then I came to this meeting and I thought I'm going to sponsor shop. 434 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:59,000 I need a sponsor shop. I needed a sponsor. 435 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,600 So I'm sitting here with my arms crossed and I'm watching all the women and I'm 436 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:07,160 thinking, no, no, never in my mind. Nope, no, no, 437 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:12,280 no, no, no, no. And I had one girlfriend and it was Angela. She's like, 438 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,640 she's getting the brunt of all my evils. 439 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:19,520 And so the only woman who I said absolutely not to was this woman, 440 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:24,520 Laurie P and she ripped her deposit slip out of her checkbook and handed it to 441 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,520 me and said, call me, I can help you. And I was like, Oh, okay. 442 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:30,920 So I called her and she became my sponsor for the next nine plus years. 443 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,680 And so she's the one that taught me how to pray. She said, 444 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:38,080 you better start praying like your life depends on it or you're going to drink 445 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,720 and you're going to die. And I was like, that's so drastic. 446 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:44,640 I really was offended that she would even say that. I was like, yeah, 447 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,080 I got by this far. I'm I don't think I'm going to die, 448 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,840 but I didn't want to get struck drunk. And so she took me in her home and she 449 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,560 took me in her backyard and she taught me how to pray. 450 00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:57,200 And I actually became part of her prayer family and her, she, 451 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,080 she had a fair practice at her house and it was, 452 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,160 she actually ran a sweat lodge, her husband. 453 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:06,080 And so I started this prayer practice and I was part of their community and I 454 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:10,160 went once a week and I did sweat lodging with them and, and praying. 455 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:14,560 And it probably took me another four years until I started to feel that all the 456 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:15,640 effects of my prayer. 457 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:19,520 And then I started to feel God and I started to picture what this God might look 458 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,360 like. And it was pretty good. So I was like, I'm going to go with that. 459 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,960 And it just morphed into this whole thing. 460 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:29,000 And then I started to imagine getting in a God suit and I was going to step in 461 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:33,400 and zip it up and I was really going to be protected by this God that everybody 462 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,880 was talking about. And it just turns out that everybody was right. 463 00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:41,320 Everybody who knew what they were talking about was right. And you know, 464 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,440 when I started that journey, things started to get better, 465 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:46,640 except my choices were still not great. 466 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,760 And I was still causing some havoc and some craziness in my life. 467 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:53,240 My house went into foreclosure, started having an affair with the married guys, 468 00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:56,440 like a lot of bad choices, a lot of, I felt like all, 469 00:27:56,480 --> 00:28:00,840 I was powerless over all of them, which is not true, but I had to switch sponsors. 470 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:05,160 So, you know, then that was 13 years ago. And, um, 471 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:09,320 I got with my sponsor, Diane D and she taught me about, you know, 472 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:12,440 getting quiet and getting right, like getting right with God, 473 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:15,720 like let's just get right with God. It's between you and God. 474 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:18,320 This isn't between you and all these other people. This is you and God. 475 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:22,360 And I started my meditation practice and I've been with her ever since. 476 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:27,400 And so I don't know. I started to talk about maybe today and my day, 477 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:32,240 and then my mood. I'm not really sure, but I just jumped all over the place. 478 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:36,000 I just know that every, every, everything comes back to here. 479 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,400 So I was at my house and it was like, I got the sick boyfriend. 480 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:41,480 And then I got my roommate and my grandma. 481 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,640 They they're watching the grand babies because I, 482 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:48,240 my daughter needed them babysat and they both volunteered to watch. 483 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,600 And I was like, good luck. Um, I got to leave. 484 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:53,960 And the minute Angela got there, I was like, bye, see you later. I got to go. 485 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,720 I couldn't wait to get out of my own house. And I hate that feeling. And you know, 486 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:01,000 so I get in the car and she's like, do you want to talk? And I said, yeah, 487 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,000 I'm grouchy. Like I'm grouchy. 488 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,760 I am sick of sick people and I have no patients. And you know, 489 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:10,760 it's like they've ruined my two weeks off work and everybody's ruined my time 490 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:12,960 off working. And now my gratitude listed said, 491 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:17,560 I can't wait. I'm going back to work on Monday. Like I go, when I work, I'm, 492 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:21,200 I'm actually like saved from when I want to work. 493 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:24,880 It's like going on vacation from her life. And I love my life and, 494 00:29:24,880 --> 00:29:29,040 and it's just new and it's an adjustment and I'm adjusting to all of it and it 495 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:30,240 can't all go the way I want. 496 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:34,200 But the main thing I wanted to say was that we pulled up here in this parking 497 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,920 lot. And first I saw you and my heart was like, 498 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:41,000 from the Tuesday night meeting. And then I thought, is she from the union? 499 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:46,200 And my head like, but, but it's just pulled up. I felt better. 500 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:49,960 I was like, Oh my God, there's the AAers. Like we got to get in there. 501 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,800 And she listened to me and you know, 502 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:56,880 I always get to vent to Angela and she doesn't have to fix it for me. 503 00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:00,040 She could, you know, like Trane says, she could just, you know, 504 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,560 be on my side when I'm wrong. She said, you know that, you know, 505 00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:04,040 when the song drops at Jupiter, you know, 506 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,440 sticking up for me even when she knows I'm wrong, that's Angela. And, um, 507 00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:11,080 unless I say, tell me the truth, but then she tells me the truth. 508 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:13,720 But we got here and I swear to God, 509 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,520 you guys have completely changed my whole day. 510 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:19,720 Like I'm going to be able to be a little bit different when I go home. 511 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:24,160 And that's how it always is though. It's like constant contact with each other. 512 00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:25,560 It's the bright spot of my day. 513 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,760 And I'm always in contact with people from the program. 514 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:33,400 I've only prayed 20 times today and I've put one foot in front of the other. 515 00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:37,120 I did exactly, I did every single thing I was supposed to do today. 516 00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:42,120 And I don't think I hurt anybody today except me at Denny's 517 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:46,880 with the food that I ate, but I'll do better tomorrow on that one. 518 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,320 And I'm not even gonna beat myself up over it. I just don't even care. 519 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,760 It was early. It was four. I was like, it's perfect. Just four. 520 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:55,560 I won't eat again today and I won't feel bad later. And, um, yeah, 521 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:58,760 I'm just so grateful to be sober. And, and I know, 522 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:03,680 I know always that if I stay sober one day at a time and I bring myself to you 523 00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:06,960 guys and let God and you guys just carry me, you know, 524 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:11,120 it's like a crowd surfing in here. It's like, just if you're new, just let us, 525 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,400 let's take you on the crowd surf. Just, just go with it. It works. You know, 526 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:16,440 it really does. And thanks for letting me share.