1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,360
 Wow, it's great to be here. Hi, my name is Josh. I'm a real alcoholic.

2
00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:11,120
 And today is the best day of my life. I want to thank Karen for hunting me down and asking me to

3
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:14,800
 come out tonight and share. I think she got my number through a grapevine.

4
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:21,440
 Nice to see some familiar faces and some folks that I haven't seen in quite a while. It's nice

5
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:25,280
 and meet some new friends that I just haven't met yet. So I'm really, really grateful to be here.

6
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:32,160
 Of course, my sobriety date is June 1, 1991. My sponsor is a man by the name of Jesus Aguilar,

7
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:36,880
 and my home group is the Stags of Sobriety held at the Cabrito House. And those things keep me

8
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:44,160
 grounded, and for that I'm extremely grateful. I start out the way I start out because most of us

9
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:49,920
 were unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics, and I don't ever want to forget it. Alcohol was

10
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:54,400
 not the last thing I ever happened to put into my system, but it was definitely the first thing that

11
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:59,680
 fixed Josh and made me feel comfortable in my own skin. And I'll get into that a little bit later.

12
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:07,760
 And over the years, I've found that most of the time, 99.9% of the time, life is no longer a

13
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:12,720
 struggle. It really is the best day of my life. And even if I'm perceiving that I'm having a moment

14
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:17,840
 that may not be going my way, boy, it sure beats the alternative. It sure beats where I came from

15
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:23,120
 31 years ago, I'll tell you what. How long are we going by the name? 35. Okay, good. Hardly enough

16
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:29,520
 time to talk about my favorite subject, but I'll give it my best shot. I'm a third generation

17
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:37,520
 Angeleno, born and raised here in Hollywood. A true Dodgers fan, not a transplant. Outside

18
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:47,200
 issues. And nice folks, nice regular upbringing, non-alcoholic parents, no craziness at home.

19
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,680
 Unfortunately, as I was coming up, it turned out I was the black sheep of the family. And

20
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:55,680
 for my poor parents, the saddest part is I'm an only child. But they did the best they could

21
00:01:55,680 --> 00:02:00,000
 with what they had to work with, both with their resources and with me when I was coming up. And

22
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,760
 as I mentioned a little bit ago, I didn't know what it went. And I've heard lots and lots of

23
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:08,640
 speakers share it, that I was just always uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn't feel like

24
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:13,680
 I fit. And looking back on it, there was nothing wrong with me. I was good enough. I was smart

25
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:18,560
 enough. I wasn't the most athletic guy, but we did little league and all those different things.

26
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:24,560
 So none of that stuff that was going on in my head was necessarily true, but it was happening

27
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:31,280
 in my head nonetheless. And I'd like to tell you, I can remember my first drink. I don't. And it's

28
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:37,760
 not because I'm a blackout drinker, but it's because those nice normie parents were daily

29
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,920
 drinkers, but they drink like a half a glass of wine with dinner kind of thing. And they always

30
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:46,160
 thought it was cute to have a real little wine glass. And Josh got to have some of it. And my

31
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:51,440
 earliest memories are how that wine felt. It felt great, man. I loved it. And at the end of my

32
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,520
 career, I didn't quit drinking because I didn't still love it. I just didn't like the consequences,

33
00:02:55,520 --> 00:03:01,040
 but we'll get into that later too. As I came up, I don't know, eight, nine, 10 years old,

34
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:05,840
 parts was stealing the alcohol. And then eventually there was raiding the parents'

35
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:11,920
 liquor cabinet for the real alcoholics in the room. By the way, there weren't any newcomers,

36
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:16,400
 or we don't do chips, but there weren't any newcomers here tonight, which is awesome. Bunch of

37
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:20,000
 long times. How many under a year? All right, we've got a good handful. Cool. Cool. Really,

38
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:25,040
 really glad you're here. Really glad you're here. I also want to thank my buddy Trenton for showing

39
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:29,360
 up today, man. Trenton gave me a huge gift this afternoon. Thanks for helping me stay sober,

40
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:36,000
 my brother. I really appreciate it. And hope your day was as good as mine. Awesome. Awesome.

41
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:42,240
 So there was raiding the liquor cabinet and I guess the normal drinkers are able to keep a

42
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:50,160
 bunch of half full bottles of liquor in a cabinet. Isn't that weird? I don't get it. It sounds

43
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:58,000
 cliche, but in my world, the cap is for shipping, man. It was single use. That was it, man. Single

44
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:06,720
 serving, single use. But the times were good. In sixth grade, I went home with a buddy of mine and

45
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:12,400
 we made this cocktail of a little bit out of each one of those bottles and came out with this black

46
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:19,360
 stuff and a tumbler, right? We got loaded enough that he pulled his pants. And I didn't. That

47
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:25,600
 should have been an indicator, right? My relationship with alcohol was different than my

48
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:33,280
 fellows, even at like 12. But as I began to grow up, some of the pieces of the puzzle started to

49
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:38,080
 fall into place. In addition to that warm, fuzzy film, it made me feel okay that I'd be able to be

50
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:45,120
 socially interactive and all of that stuff. I also looked older than most people. I had whiskers. I

51
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:51,120
 was the one that could buy beer and it was a ticket to popularity. And so I was part of the group.

52
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:56,560
 I was needed, whatever you want to call it. And so we'd buy a bunch of beer and we'd go to party

53
00:04:56,560 --> 00:05:02,720
 spots and things like that. And it's like at 15 years old, I had what they called work experience

54
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:06,480
 after high school. The last couple of periods, you could knock off school and go to work. I was

55
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:12,000
 working in a hardware store and there was a little Thai market that was selling me beer. And two of my

56
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,480
 buddies also worked there. So the three of us would buy a case of Coors Tall Cans, right? Started

57
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:22,160
 right at the bottom and slam it as much as we could. Yeah, it was social drinking with your

58
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:27,760
 buddies, but it was all about getting loaded. That was it. And of course the other dry goods came

59
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:34,800
 along with that along the way. Somehow I managed to, through a buddy of mine, get a job with his

60
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:40,560
 uncle in Burbank and started working for this little company, delivering equipment and sweeping

61
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,240
 the warehouse and doing that kind of stuff. It's not the timer. I should just look at the guy with

62
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:51,120
 the timer. It's not the timer. Okay. And I got this little job and all of a sudden I had funds,

63
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:57,040
 which expanded my use of dry goods, which the dry goods, I'm trying to keep it Alcoholics Anonymous

64
00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:02,000
 related obviously, but you know, hardly anybody walks in the rooms without touching any other

65
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:06,240
 substances these days. And my use of cocaine allowed me to drink more. I really, really

66
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:14,640
 enjoyed that. I like to be in a super way up here at the same time. My first DUI was behind a handful

67
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:20,480
 of crosstops and a keg party. My girlfriend at the time said when I drove her home, I was already

68
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:25,360
 wasted enough. She knew this. Go straight home. And I went straight up to Mulholland to go race.

69
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,800
 That's what you do when you're good and loaded. You know, you get behind the wheel and go racing.

70
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:34,800
 And yeah, 18 years old, crashed my car into the front of the house on Coldwater Canyon about one

71
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:39,760
 o'clock in the morning. And I'm kind of bouncing around here, but you know, my folks were already

72
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:44,160
 past the point of trying to figure out what to do. And my dad, when they came to pick me up

73
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:48,640
 out of jail, never said a word, but I'll never forget that look of disappointment and disgust

74
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:55,840
 on his face. To this day, my dad's been gone 40 years. He died a year ago. So it was, speaking of

75
00:06:55,840 --> 00:07:00,160
 jumping around, it was tough 10 years later to make amends to a guy that had been gone almost 10

76
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:05,120
 years and go through my resentment list and everything else. But we do what we got to do.

77
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:11,360
 And so that's the kind of path I was on was just really living to party and get wasted. That was my

78
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:18,400
 goal in life. The bar hadn't set very high. You know, those loving parents would have done anything

79
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:24,640
 to help me if they knew how. If I was a normal kid, they would have mortgaged the house to send

80
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:31,760
 me to school. I mean, you know, they lived for me. They spoiled the hell out of me, which honestly

81
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:36,560
 left me with sort of a sense of entitlement, which I still struggle to this day to try to get over,

82
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,560
 brother, because the world owes me something. I was always handed everything. How come it's not

83
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:45,200
 just always going my way? You know, it's a big challenge to go through, but that's the gift of

84
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:49,200
 going through the steps and coming to a place of self-awareness. We get to learn that kind of stuff

85
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:53,680
 about ourselves and what drives us and what motivates us, which is why I was so self-centered

86
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:58,960
 and manipulative along the way. So this little job that I got turned out to be a pretty good

87
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:05,360
 opportunity. They were an office equipment dealer. And, you know, the way I drove delivering

88
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:10,480
 equipment, I had to learn how to fix it also by the time it got there. And it turned out I was

89
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:15,040
 actually became pretty good at repairing office equipment and worked my way up inside of that

90
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:21,680
 company. And I got a lot of opportunity with that company. At 21 years old, I got married to my

91
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:27,760
 then girlfriend and we had a daughter and things looked like they were going in the right direction.

92
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:33,520
 I had kind of moved into a period of trying to control and enjoy my drinking and using,

93
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:40,320
 you know, it sort of got put on the back burner as a parent and a husband and all that grown-up

94
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:45,040
 stuff that I was trying to do. But like we hear a lot, eventually it would catch up with me.

95
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:52,880
 Two things happened. We bought a home up in Santa Clarita and we met the neighbor. The neighbor had

96
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:57,120
 a buddy who was a coke dealer and, you know, and all of a sudden we're partying. We're doing the

97
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:01,200
 deal. We'd be in the party house on that block kind of thing. And the other thing was I went

98
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:07,840
 away for a training trip back east and this is like 1987 and that's where the fuse got lit again

99
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:12,800
 because there was nothing to do when I was back there for a couple of weeks but to stock the

100
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:20,320
 fridge with a bunch of beer and get loaded. When I came home, that fuse was reignited and it was on

101
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:25,360
 and cracking and there was no stopping me at that point. And I was still thinking I was managing it.

102
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:29,840
 You know, I'm coming up in this company. I think I'm doing okay. I've got this new marriage that

103
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:35,760
 seems to be going all right. My dad had passed but my mom's doing her thing and we're doing all

104
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:40,000
 right. But, you know, the reality eventually became, you know, they asked us to tell our

105
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:44,480
 story from the standpoint of what we were like, what happened, what it's like now. You know,

106
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:48,480
 not what it was like. We all have a what it was like. You know, it was crappy. We all have

107
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:53,360
 circumstances that were bad enough to get us in these rooms. And my hope to the newer people is

108
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:59,120
 that it was bad enough to produce enough desperation to motivate enough willingness to do

109
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:04,240
 what we have to offer because that's what it took for me. You know, the reality is I don't have as

110
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:08,880
 heinous or as colorful of a story as a whole lot of people. And as I heard one speaker share many

111
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:12,720
 years ago over here in the valley, you know, the reality is I just drank one miserable day

112
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:17,440
 after another and I started taking hostages along the way and I didn't even know, causing wreckage

113
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:23,040
 and damage, emotional harm along the way. And those last four years of my drinking, especially

114
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:29,440
 the last two, got really, really bad. It got to a point where I was not the husband I envisioned

115
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:34,960
 myself to be. There was a lot of anger and emotional violence at home. It wasn't physical

116
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,720
 violence, but there was a lot of, you know, yelling, screaming, wall punching, all of that

117
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:43,600
 kind of immature stuff. Therefore, I was not the father to this beautiful little six-year-old girl

118
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:48,080
 that we were raising. You know, it wasn't a really great example of what a man should be. And, you

119
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:54,000
 know, I later learned decades later that, you know, I'm the example of what she's going to pick

120
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:59,520
 when she goes out there into the world. And fortunately, she's got a pretty good picker. Thank

121
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:06,640
 God. I wasn't the son that I thought I could be. You know, I'll jump back into that in a second.

122
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:13,840
 Nor was I the employee that my employer expected me to be either eventually when things started

123
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:20,000
 going off the rails. I had gotten to a point where I got up into management in this little company.

124
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:25,600
 We had a pretty big staff. But I became the guy that people didn't want to work for. You know,

125
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:30,320
 they didn't know what side of the bed I got up on. You know, they'd ask me how good morning and I'd

126
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:35,680
 be the what's so good about it kind of a home. I was a real taskmaster at work. I didn't want to

127
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:41,120
 take any time off. I would cash in all my vacation time. And what I later learned is that was just

128
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:47,680
 fear and insecurity that I couldn't let go of the controls. And I was afraid that nobody else could

129
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:56,080
 do it right or whatever. But the the environment in my department got got really toxic. You know,

130
00:11:56,080 --> 00:12:02,880
 my marriage started to go off the rails. And I moved back into my mom's house into a bedroom

131
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:06,960
 that had been redecorated for a six year old girl. So that does a lot for a guy's self esteem.

132
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:14,240
 These beautiful peach walls and you know, curtains and all of that kind of stuff. And but I was in

133
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:20,640
 the depths of my alcoholism and addiction at that point. And, you know, my, my poor mom chased me

134
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:25,520
 out of the house at four o'clock one morning when I was going to just get one more. And I think she

135
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:30,000
 won that argument. As I recall, I think she might have won that argument. But we were, she was

136
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:34,560
 arguing with me in the street in front of the house, as I'm trying to drive away just to score,

137
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:41,440
 just go score one. And she, she had no idea what to do, no idea what to do. Didn't want to throw

138
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:46,800
 me out in the street or anything like that. So you know, what I was like was, was a guy that

139
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:52,320
 had really kind of lost my moral compass. I didn't treat people as one would want to be treated

140
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:57,440
 themselves, whether they were co-workers or friends, which I you notice, I didn't mention

141
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,120
 any of them because they weren't in the picture anymore. Even the people that I partied with,

142
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:06,160
 whom I thought drank and used just like I did, were not inviting me to parties anymore. Because

143
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:10,080
 I had to have noxious. I was the kind of guy that got the police call because I'd start the fight

144
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:14,720
 because I wanted to hit on the other guy's girlfriend. I mean, just insanity. The, you know,

145
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:19,040
 wasn't the kind of employee I wanted to be, nor was I the kind of husband. When it really,

146
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:25,840
 I don't want to jump around too much, but in, in August of 1989, we had Kaiser Healthcare Insurance

147
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:32,240
 and I was trying to stay in the good graces of my wife, stop sleeping on the couch. And I checked

148
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:38,640
 into our Kaiser program, which at the time you could just sign up for a once a week, like a men's

149
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:43,600
 group. And, you know, so I was bouncing in and out of that group whenever it seemed convenient.

150
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:49,120
 Sometimes it became a good night to tell my wife I was going there and still try to get home on time

151
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:56,000
 and not appear to be drunk or smell or anything like that. Excuse me. And I don't have COVID,

152
00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:02,080
 but I got the lingering cough from something I had a week or so ago. At any rate, I, so I was

153
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:07,280
 bouncing in and out of this men's, men's group. There's about 20 guys in this group. And one day

154
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:13,200
 I go into the group and Dr. Joe ran this group and he says, he intercepts me on the way in and

155
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,200
 he says, Josh, you can't just bounce in and out of the group. Anytime you think you want it,

156
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:22,480
 it's convenient for you. We've tightened up our recovery program and there's a phase program where

157
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:27,680
 we'd like you to come into the day treatment for a 14 day day treatment program and then phase up

158
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:32,320
 through our program. Well, I was already in a period where I you know, and they would mandate

159
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:37,280
 you go to meetings and stuff. And I hated going to AA meetings after my first first DUI when I

160
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:42,400
 was 18 and I got a second one several years later. I didn't want to go to those damn meetings. You

161
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:48,480
 know, all that, all that chanting and laughing, hugging, all this stuff, man, it was very

162
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:54,080
 uncomfortable. So yeah. And so I remember it when we're new and we walk in the door and there's all

163
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:58,160
 of that, like deer in the headlights stuff. The one thing we've all got in common is a day we've

164
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:03,920
 been there. Right. And the religiosity, man, I couldn't stand it. You know, those nice parents

165
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:10,640
 were Episcopalians, went to church every week, participated in other church activities and things

166
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:14,080
 like that. You know, they weren't, you know, it wasn't the kind of religion that gets jammed down

167
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:21,200
 your throat, but it was regular. And, you know, looking back on it, I got such a blessing, such a

168
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:25,600
 solid example from them about how to be part of a community and how to be of service. But I was

169
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:30,000
 absolutely not aware of it at the time, but I had, by the time I was 16 years old, I had turned my

170
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,880
 back on the church and I had argued my way out of it with them. And they didn't mandate that I

171
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:39,280
 continue to go. And really what I realized later is that, you know, I basically said, I'll take it

172
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:43,440
 from here. By the time I got here, I took it from here all the way to the ground, you know, all the

173
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,920
 way to the point where, you know, like I said, I just was drinking one miserable day after another,

174
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:52,160
 but my bottom was I just couldn't look myself in the eye. The only reason I was still a basically

175
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:56,080
 functioning alcoholic is because I had an enabler for a boss who wouldn't fire me. But I'll get back

176
00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:01,040
 to that in a second. And so I really didn't like to go to those meetings, and that's why I was

177
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:07,280
 trying to do the Kaiser thing. And Dr. Jones mandated that I couldn't go to that meeting

178
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:12,480
 anymore, that I'd have to start with their 14-day program. And I had a period of dry time. I had

179
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:16,800
 gotten into a point where I was trying to right white knuckle it. And that I probably never made

180
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:22,480
 it more than three weeks. But that particular day, I had more than your 14 days right now. I

181
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:26,560
 don't need your damn program. And I turned and walked away. And, you know, what could he do?

182
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:31,600
 And but as time went on, you know, there'd be periods of desperation where again, I didn't want

183
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,920
 to go to meetings. So I'd call Dr. Joe and I'd leave a message and never get a call back. He'd

184
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:42,080
 never get on the phone. And but the day came. One day at work, I had yet another altercation with a

185
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:47,680
 co-worker and a gal who'd been there about the same, about 11 years, about the same amount of

186
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:52,160
 time I had been there. And she picked up her purse and she said, Josh, I'm not taking your crap

187
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:56,320
 anymore. And she quit on the spot. And we were all valued employees. I'd like to think she was

188
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:59,440
 probably a hell of a lot more valued than I was. The next day, I'm in the conference room with the

189
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:04,160
 owner of the company having a conversation. And I never want to forget what he said. I said, Josh,

190
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:08,720
 now let me let me jump in again there real quick. He and I used to drink together after work and

191
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:14,800
 stuff like that. And I, in my perception, thought he drank like I did too. But he didn't, it turns

192
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:19,280
 out. He says, Josh, we think you ought to do something about your anger. Never addressed my

193
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:23,600
 alcoholic tendencies at all. But he was talking about my behavior in the workplace. It was

194
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:27,760
 absolutely unacceptable. And for some reason on that day, I'm going to keep my eye on the

195
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:36,320
 clock. I want to get sober before you flag me. On that day, that filter in my head that typically

196
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:41,200
 turned every really good idea into crap was work in the right direction. And my response when he

197
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,200
 said that was, I've got to go into treatment. He said, great, go. I said, let me call Kaiser. He

198
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,880
 said, call. And I call and they assign you a counselor, which happens in a lot of treatment

199
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:52,960
 centers still today. If you relapse and go out and come back, they want to keep some continuity.

200
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:58,960
 As long as the same counselors are there, but I digress. But they, so I called Dr. Joe and

201
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:03,360
 Florence, the receptionist answers the phone and super nice lady. And she says, yeah, I'll see if

202
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:07,040
 he's available. And she comes back on the line. She says, I'm sorry, I can't talk to you right

203
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:11,120
 now. I said, and that was a common thing because I've been calling over the last 18 months or so.

204
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:15,360
 And, and I said, Florence, please tell him, I really need to talk to him. And he came and

205
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:19,600
 got on the phone and says, what's going on, man. And I said, I really can't do this anymore. I've

206
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:23,920
 got to do something. I want to come into the 14 day program. He said, are you really ready? He

207
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:28,480
 said, absolutely. He said, great, man. I'm going to have you start the 14 days tomorrow and

208
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:34,720
 everything else. And he said, what we'd like you to do is we do a formal intake process now and an

209
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,560
 assessment. We need you to come in this afternoon and get that taken care of. And with all of that

210
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:43,280
 willingness that I had in me, I said, yeah, but see, I'm at work today and that's probably

211
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:47,280
 not a really good time. And he said, Jock, man, I thought you said you were really ready. Let's

212
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:51,120
 not waste our time. And I held down the phone and I said, he wants me to come in today. My boss said,

213
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:55,840
 go. And again, with all that willingness, I had cashed in on my vacation time because I didn't

214
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,760
 want to leave work at any time. I said, yeah, but you see, I don't have any vacation time. It's just

215
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:04,080
 not going to work. He said, dude, don't worry about it. We got you covered. Go. And you know,

216
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:10,000
 I was in another one of those periods of dry time. I had, I think 17 days dry at the time. So you can

217
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:14,960
 imagine why I had this altercation with another boy. I didn't have my Baba. I didn't have anything

218
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:19,760
 to take the edge off. I was like a raw nerve ending, you know, and, and little did I know at

219
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,840
 that time, why would that be different than any other time? Any of those countless vain attempts

220
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:28,320
 that Tracy talked about. And thank you for your share by the way, Tracy. The you know,

221
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:31,840
 whether it was not going to meetings or, you know, all of that willingness that I had.

222
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:38,000
 But I didn't know at the time that that would be a road one day at a time that would lead me to this

223
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:43,760
 day to day. Inside of that, some really miraculous things started to happen in life. And the beautiful

224
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:48,240
 part of it is along that road, I became aware of those things happening. I think that's super,

225
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:55,760
 super important, that making ourselves available to hear the message, right. And you can only see

226
00:19:55,760 --> 00:20:00,880
 when you're ready to see or hear when you're ready to hear however they say that. And some of those

227
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:05,920
 little things that started to happen that became very meaningful. So I, when, when you go through

228
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:11,680
 their treatment program, not unlike treatment programs today, in addition to all of the group

229
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:17,280
 and then group and then group, they want you to go to meetings, right? To go to meetings, get your

230
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:22,480
 little card signed. But I was willing to do what it took. You know, I had gotten to that point where

231
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:28,240
 I just couldn't stand joshing, really had that self-loathing and disgust with myself. So right

232
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:32,080
 around that time, they had a, somebody found out that there was a 7am meeting at the Valley Club

233
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,680
 that only lasted an hour. And so there was all of a sudden there's a Kaiser table at the Valley,

234
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:39,840
 like 20 of us would go. Because it was the easier, softer way, you know, they'd sign our card and

235
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:44,320
 we'd head out to group at 830. You know, we were starting the day. So that was the easier, softer

236
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:48,800
 way. And man, I didn't really want to go to those meetings. And so I had a temporary sponsor who

237
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:53,680
 kind of kicked me off into the steps and whatnot. And, and I was doing what he suggested, you know,

238
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:58,720
 we talked about surrender and we talked about insanity versus sanity and started working on a

239
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,800
 relationship with a higher power, which I had really, as I mentioned, turned my back on. And

240
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:09,200
 I had, when I was going to the Wednesday night groups at Kaiser in '89 and '90, they met a guy

241
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:16,000
 in February of 1990. Guy came into the group one day, one night, and he was new and he was shaking

242
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:21,040
 and he was crying and he was sweating and he was articulating all this fear about what he had left

243
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:26,240
 behind. He left a bunch of Chewy's product in a hotel room on Sepulveda and somebody's coming

244
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:31,360
 after him. And, and he didn't know what the future was going to hold. And, you know, he was absolutely

245
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,800
 not in the moment. And I remember I was sitting directly at Boston and was thinking in my head,

246
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:40,560
 that guy really needs this. I didn't know I had three fingers pointing back at me. And when we

247
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:46,000
 started going to the Kaiser table at the Valley Club, the guy approached me one morning and he

248
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:51,920
 says, "Hey, I've got a men's book study at my house in the afternoon. I'd like you to come."

249
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:56,400
 And I hadn't been invited anywhere in a long period of time. And I'm like, yeah, okay, whatever.

250
00:21:56,400 --> 00:22:01,520
 He gave me his address and I'm going to this guy's meeting and all of this BS is going on in my head.

251
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:05,600
 There's a lot of fear and insecurity about going to meet a bunch of guys at a house that I don't

252
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:10,880
 know and all of this apprehension. And, you know, later I would realize that that was just fear and

253
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:14,640
 complete insecurity that I didn't even know at that point in my life that I had. And I

254
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:18,880
 walked into this guy's house and there were about 20 or 25 guys and they opened the loving arms of

255
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,840
 Alcoholics Anonymous like we do in any good meeting. And I meet a guy who I had met before

256
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,960
 in February of 1990. I recognized him immediately. And I walked right up to him and 16 months had

257
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:34,480
 gone by and was like, "Hey, Suze, what happened?" He's got this big smile on his face and he's calm

258
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:38,880
 and he's self-assured and confident looking. I said, "Hey, Suze, what happened?" And he said,

259
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:44,400
 "Josh, it was God." And I went, "Oh, man, there you go. It's got the God thing going on," you know.

260
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:49,760
 But I knew from my, even though I didn't want to be in all of the trips in and out of meetings in

261
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:56,080
 the past, that that was the barrier that I had placed between that happiness, joy, and freedom

262
00:22:56,080 --> 00:23:00,880
 that you all display, what I didn't have in my life. And I asked him to carry me through the

263
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:06,800
 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And we commenced to get to work right away. And that's when some

264
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:10,400
 of the beautiful things started to happen. You know, what I saw in front of me right then and

265
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:15,840
 there was a demonstration of what this program can do. You know, 16 months sobering was amazing,

266
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:21,360
 how his life had turned around. And one night I got home. Now, at this point,

267
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:25,840
 I'm doing like 10 meetings a week. I'm doing the morning meeting with the Kaiser folks at

268
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,240
 the Valley Club, six days a week. And I'm going to four other nighttime meetings. And one night,

269
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:37,360
 I get home from a step study. And it was late. It was in that other fellowship where they run

270
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:42,240
 the meetings a little later in CA. CA was where the younger people, I thought, were in my age

271
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:48,400
 groups, right? And I was 27 years old. And I come home from a CA meeting, and it's pretty late. And

272
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:52,960
 that little dude jumps on my shoulder with a good idea. I have about 60 days sobering. He says,

273
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:58,560
 Josh, dude, let's just go get one. 60 days, man, you can have just one. That whole dialogue. And

274
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:02,480
 I knew if I spent more than a couple of minutes there, man, I was in trouble. And I did what was

275
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:07,840
 suggested. And, you know, I did this corny prophetic prayer. And I said, God, if you're

276
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:12,320
 really there, give me a sign. And nothing happened. No light came through the window like in Bill's

277
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:16,720
 story. And the cat didn't freak out. Pictures didn't fall off the walls or anything like that.

278
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:21,200
 But I was immediately aware that that little dude on my shoulder was God. And for the first time in

279
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:24,480
 a long time, I slept through the night like a baby, which hadn't happened in quite a while.

280
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:30,080
 And as it says in the book, I got up all day, I commenced to start rigorously working on the

281
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,840
 fourth step. And over the course, because I was working over the course of the next three

282
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:38,320
 weekends, I wrote, and I did what I needed to do and got through all the stuff. And in August of

283
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,160
 that year, we sat down in his backyard for three and a half hours and just poured it all out,

284
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:47,200
 poured it all out. My perception of what everybody had done to me, because it was all their fault,

285
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:51,600
 you know. And that got my head around what my part in that was, you know, when we had gotten

286
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,600
 through talking about step three and self-centeredness and self-will and manipulation

287
00:24:55,600 --> 00:25:01,840
 and got through step four and the complete disclosure. You know, I, in addition to all

288
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:06,000
 the stuff, all the people that I thought had wronged me and all the fears that I was trying

289
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:11,040
 to uncover, one of those fears that I had been a survivor of molestation from the time I was 12

290
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:15,040
 years old until just before I was 18, that was going to my grave. Never going to tell anybody

291
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:20,320
 about that. And for 20 years after that, I never did. But I told another human being, and God,

292
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:25,840
 as I understood him, as I was trying to develop a relationship with God, what had happened to me?

293
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:33,440
 Awesome. I need about 20 more. So are we all good with that? And I think that's really kind of the

294
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:38,880
 one thing, you know, had I not disclosed that one thing, we've all got that one thing, whatever,

295
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:44,240
 maybe there's more than one thing, but put it on the table, get it all out. It's just our lives

296
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:48,960
 we're talking about, right? And it was, that was the one thing. And like I said, I never, well, no,

297
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:54,960
 my bad. Other than a therapist, I started seeing a therapist at about three years sober for a period

298
00:25:54,960 --> 00:26:02,800
 of time, did speak to him as well. But, so there were two people and never anyone else. But I was

299
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:08,080
 starting to really try to diligently develop a relationship with God, as I understood him or

300
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:13,440
 didn't understand. Right. And it started out as simply as, you know, either group of drunks or

301
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:19,120
 good orderly direction, you know, but ultimately, all it had to really start out with was not Josh,

302
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:25,120
 anything, but it wasn't Josh. And it started just taking that leap of faith and throwing it out in

303
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:29,440
 the universe like I did in my bedroom that night when that guy disappeared off my shoulder. And I

304
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:36,160
 noticed little things started to happen in my life. I had an incident where somebody of mine and I

305
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:43,680
 were doing hobby cars, RC cars, and we had bought, we had both bought the same product and the

306
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,600
 product failed and didn't work. And I got all in my head and I said, I'm going to go back and

307
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:52,160
 talk to these people and they were going to screw me and everything else. And as I'm ruminating on

308
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:56,560
 that, on my way to the shop, to the shop, getting ready to have this whole altercation with the

309
00:26:56,560 --> 00:27:03,040
 store. I remembered one of the tools, which is ask God for help. Right. And I said, dude, God,

310
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:07,280
 I really need help with this. And literally at that moment, my phone and it's the other

311
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:10,640
 buddy who had the same problem with the same product. He's like, Oh dude, just take it back.

312
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:16,960
 Those kinds of little things, as mundane as it may sound, I started to be aware of them. They

313
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,960
 started to notice they were happening. I'm going to summarize a couple of things in the interest

314
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:26,880
 of time right now. I'd like to tell you that my whole program is perfect, anything but. The only

315
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:32,640
 thing I have done for the last 11,507 days is not take it for like one day at a time. But now I can

316
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:37,680
 still screw some stuff up. And it's been a learning process, a lot of onion peeling, whatever you want

317
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:44,400
 to call it. Right. But where the turnaround came from me with developing a relationship with my

318
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:49,600
 higher power was continuing to try. But my behavior wasn't perfect. There were still a lot

319
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:54,960
 of character defects and fears that I hadn't fully resolved, particularly on the financial side. I

320
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:58,480
 still wanted to look hip slick and cool. I'd go to meetings and everybody looked like they got their

321
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:02,160
 stuff together and they got nice cars and they're living in nice homes. They got nice partners in

322
00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:05,680
 their lives and everything else. And he said, if you want what we have and are willing to go to

323
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:11,040
 any length to get it. So I maxed out my credit to get it. I had the new car, I had the nice condo,

324
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:15,920
 I had everything else. I couldn't afford any of that stuff. And one day I'm coming home from a

325
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:20,880
 party on the other side of the hill and we're coming up Laurel Canyon. And I'm speedy as usual,

326
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:26,480
 which was my behavior was still kind of reckless and careless and self-centered. And we have a

327
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:32,560
 solo car crash on the way up Laurel Canyon. And fortunately she wasn't injured, nor was I,

328
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:37,680
 but the car was totaled and I wasn't able to keep up the insurance. And I knew in that intersection

329
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:41,520
 at one o'clock in the morning, this whole house of cars was going to come crashing down on me. And I

330
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:45,600
 was gripped with fear and the airbags are deployed and the horns going off and neighbors are all over

331
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:52,160
 the place. Dude, I'm going to miss it. So I'll give it my best shot. I overshot the mark again.

332
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:58,880
 It's just like the drinks, but anyway, I'm going to stop at one trust me. And but in that intersection,

333
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:04,320
 it was it was almost like hearing a voice in my ear and the voice said, Josh, I know you think

334
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:08,080
 this is going to suck, but I'm here to help. And it was at that moment at three and a half years

335
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:13,280
 solar that God revealed himself to me as I think he is in my life. I'm not telling anybody else to

336
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:17,680
 have that relationship. And I could go down that road for about another 15 minutes, but I won't.

337
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:23,680
 But I'm so grateful for that exposure. And I've been working towards developing and nurturing that

338
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:29,440
 relationship ever since. I'll close with this, that little six year old. And the example I set

339
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:33,200
 for her, I suppose, I mean, I didn't have anything to do it. I can't keep her sober. I can't get her

340
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:38,240
 drunk. She started working on her own store, you know, 12, 13, 14 years old. She's running around

341
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:42,400
 with her friends. She's still in her mom's car. She's running away for three and four days at a

342
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:45,920
 time until the sheriff's find her and bring her home. They would still bring her home up in Santa

343
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:50,960
 Clarita back in the day. And she, her mom didn't know what to do with her any more than my mom knew

344
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,960
 what to do with me. And she was grounded yet again and everything else. And one of her friends comes

345
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,400
 to her and says, I want to get my folks off my back and I want to go to an AA meeting. Will you

346
00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:03,520
 come with me? Christina went. And she remembered that she had been there before, but rafters in

347
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:07,520
 New Hall. Now I had never dragged her to meetings, you know, on my every other weekend and stuff.

348
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:11,600
 Occasionally I would take her if I needed to go to a meeting, she came with me. And so she realized

349
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:15,840
 that she'd been there before. She just recognized having been there. Long story short, she decided

350
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:20,960
 to stay in this past January. We gave her a cake for 21 years. So what an absolute miracle

351
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:26,960
 that we've gotten to have. We've gone through ups and downs in both our recovery, mutual amends

352
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:31,680
 making and all that kind of stuff. But she came to me with about six months sober. And she had

353
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:35,440
 already gone through the steps and was really working diligently on getting this done. And she

354
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:39,520
 said, dad, if you found out you had two weeks leave, would you drink without hesitation? I said,

355
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:44,480
 no. And she said, why? I said, yeah, why? Thank you again for asking me to share. And please,

356
00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:45,920
 Please, please keep coming back.