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 sometimes it's so nice to be at a meeting with my people thank you john uh my sobriety date is

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 november 12th 2009 i just celebrated 13 years um i have a sponsor she has a sponsor i sponsor women

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 uh i have a home group it's a book study and it's amazing it's on thursday nights it's at 7 30 it is

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 also a hybrid meeting it's called principles before personalities and um and i have a commitment there

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 and you know those three things were all recommended when i got here you know get a sponsor

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 get a home group uh get a commitment and i really wasn't interested in any of those things but i was

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 desperate i was out of ideas i was broken uh so much about your story resonates deeply and

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 profoundly it feels like my story and you know when i got here um i didn't know i was an alcoholic

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 in fact i was not willing to admit that i was an alcoholic i didn't really identify as an

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 alcoholic i was just desperate and broken and couldn't stop drinking and uh my son who is today

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 your age um had walked into my room one morning not unlike any other morning uh and it was maybe

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 seven a.m before school and i was taking a swig of the vodka that i took a swig of every morning

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 i was a daily drinker i drank every day i drank all day uh usually until i i passed out at night

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 and i was a blackout drinker and drugs and alcohol had been a part of my story for as long as i could

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 remember even in periods or intervals where i had stopped drinking i actually didn't drink from the

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 age of of 22 to 40 um and that's a dangerous fact if you're an alcoholic like me because

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 i i was convinced i couldn't possibly have been an alcoholic like if you don't drink from 22 years

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 old to 40 like there's no way i'm an alcoholic right but you know let me i got enough time uh

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 to to tell you a little bit more about what it used to be like before what happened and then

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 what it's like today i smoked my first joint in the third grade um i had my first beer probably

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 that same summer my parents um were remarkable people they had five kids i was born in you know

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 64 by the late 60s my parents got really interested in what was happening in the world

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 and the anti-war movement and they started studying mao and marxism and leninism and they

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 became revolutionary communists and you know for all intents and purposes they were amazing people

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 who really thought they could make a big difference in the world and so they packed up all five of us

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 kids from upstate new york and we we drove to seattle and we became like these little red diaper

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 babies we were on cricket lines and demonstrations and we hung out with the black panthers and we

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 hung out at the el centro de la raza and you know my parents reminded us all the time you're not the

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 most important thing and you know i was shy and i was uncomfortable and i be i became an expert

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 people pleaser you know i was a chameleon much like yourself like i could hang out with you know

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 the all black kids i could hang out with the asian kids i could hang out with the white kids i could

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 hang out with the stoners and then i could hang out in the choir like i i was anything you needed

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 me to be um but when i like i wasn't smoking or drinking daily in the third grade but as often as

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 i could like i loved how it felt to just not be in this body you know i was really uncomfortable

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 just being me and uh i was sweet and i was shy and i was curious and i think i was smart but man it

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 just wasn't enough like i i wanted i wanted to feel better different smarter funnier you know

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 sexier prettier pretty enough smart enough like i never felt like i was enough of anything because

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 i didn't really get what i thought i needed from you from my mom from from anybody and drugs and

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 alcohol really helped with that for a long time you know like i i just wanted to be high and i i

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 chased that my entire life man it just felt like uh you know i never had one of anything you know

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 one drink was never part of my story one hit one joint one line there was never part of my story

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 like i was going to the wheels fell off and i i was fun i loved to party it was like amazing uh

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 until it stopped working and you know so just to back up so at 22 years old um in my mind every

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 bad thing that ever happened to me was because i was drinking or high you know i put myself in

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 harm's way regularly uh growing up in you know in an inner city working class neighborhood um drugs

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 and alcohol were really easy to get and there was you know by junior high one of my best friends is

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 a pimp you know my other best friends are dealers like i mean i'm i'm gonna get what i need you know

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 like i'm gonna be okay as long as you have what i need to feel okay and um that puts me in harm's

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 way you know a lot of bad things happen to me i i come out of blackouts a lot going jesus how did

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 i get here how do i get out of here uh where am i um and you know we didn't have cell phones then

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 you know like it just like life was unmanageable for a long time and so by the time i'm 22 man i

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 i had my fill like i had i had done enough drugs and enough drinking to for all you know like for

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 anybody and and i was able to stop drinking because the man who was to become the father

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 of my beautiful son uh was an alcoholic and and while i didn't really know anything about alcoholism

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 i was like i think you're an alcoholic like i'm pretty sure you are and um you know one more time

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 harm's way bad relationship there was a fight i got a black eye and i said if you don't quit

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 drinking i'm gonna leave you you know it might have been one of the best decisions i had made

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 up to that point in my life and so he quit drinking for a minute i quit drinking for 18 years

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 and i end up getting pregnant you know a year and a half later i end up having this beautiful baby

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 boy and i end up being a single mom because he was an alcoholic who couldn't stop drinking and

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 and i i could see that in him and i had a healthy enough fear about what alcoholism was without

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 knowing i had never read the big book i had never gone to a meeting i didn't understand that the

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 alcohol and the drugs weren't the problem they were the solution you know i didn't really

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 understand that i had this physical allergy that when i took a drink i was going to get the

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 phenomenon of craving but i knew that i probably shouldn't take that first drink you know at least

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 i had this sort of gut feeling and i was an atheist my parents were staunch atheists so i

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 didn't have a god in my life but i was i was a pretty decent single mom for a bunch of years you

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 know the big book tells us maybe my disease hadn't hadn't really become a full-fledged maybe i wasn't

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 an alcoholic yet i don't i don't know but for about the first 10 years or so i you know i every

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 once in a while i would smoke pot but it wasn't that important to me i didn't drink so my disease

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 is sitting on the back burner and um i end up having to get a double hip replacement which is

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 just another whole story i got hit by a truck uh when i was 13 but i had been uh on pain meds and

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 taking them as prescribed you know because i i had this idea that i probably shouldn't abuse them

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 because i wasn't drinking so i was doing the best i can but this this surgery before the second hip

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 replacement the doctor took me off cold turkey off this oxycontin um and i went through really bad

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 withdrawals and it's just my own personal opinion that going through such debilitating withdrawals

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 triggered the phenomenon of craving for me you know like something shifted you know first i had

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 to you know come off i had to suffer and feverish and you know get weaned off of this drug but

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 something felt different you know like i was like something's missing you know here i got this

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 beautiful little boy i've been doing a pretty good job and all of a sudden i need something again like

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 something just was missing and and i found the party you know and even for for five years though

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 take a drink i would do anything else you know i i would drugs are definitely part of my story

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 if i walked into a bathroom and you were doing it i would get it also like i mean i i would take it

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 if you had it no question that and it became like my my beautiful 12 year old son watched me as i

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 started to have he was no longer the most important thing you know like i got to recreate that in my

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 son's life because drugs and alcohol became the most important thing and my my life got smaller

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 and darker like pretty quickly you know within five years of not taking a drink but doing drugs

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 i finally took a drink and uh thank god that once i took that drink it happened so fast i immediately

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 became the same exact kind of drinker that i always was like why wouldn't i drink all day

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 like this is amazing i can't believe i didn't drink for 18 years shit i got some casting up to do

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 and uh you know i'm ruled by the self-centered you know selfish self-centered like i i can only

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 think about what i need to be okay and and it didn't matter that my kid needed me it didn't

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 matter what was going on with you as long as i was getting what i needed and um it brought me

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 to my knees you know i uh i would just talk about incomprehensible demoralization by the time i got

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 here by the time my son walked in and i'm taking that swig at 7 a.m uh i was in a relationship that

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 i i thought was the root of all my troubles uh the man i love the man i thought i couldn't live

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 without he got his life pregnant i mean jesus uh you know like so i would do anything you know to

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 get what i thought i needed and that's what i thought i needed at the time and and i had

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 befriended her like i was this vile creature like i befriended a woman because i was in love with

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 her husband and and she would cry on my shoulder about like chris doesn't love me like he's only

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 happy when you're around i'm like yeah it's tough i mean i don't know like i i kept a vodka behind a

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 mirror in my bedroom with a locked door and i would try to look myself in the eyes you know

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 when i took that swig every morning because i knew in my heart of hearts that the self-loathing was

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 so bad like i couldn't stand the person i had morphed into like i i believed i believed for

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 a long time that my intentions were good like i was just trying to be okay but what i was willing

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 to do to get what i needed you know was ruthless and that morning he walked in and my son said

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 you're pathetic and i said dude you need a job like i pay all the bills around here you're

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 pathetic and like like i knew i was pathetic but that's how easy it was for me to you know to tell

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 my 19 year old son dude you're pathetic and he just said mom why can't you go back to being the

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 way that you used to be and i i knew what he meant you know i i knew that he meant back when he was

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 like you know up to 12 when i was actually you know trying to be a decent parent and what i

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 said instead was i'll always drink and i had been trying to stop drinking for like two years on my

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 own and couldn't you know this i kept trying to i kept thinking if i could just stop drinking

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 i could probably get out of this toxic relationship if i could just stop drinking like

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 in my mind my problem was the drinking and so i say i'll always drink and he was like why

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 and it was like somebody else said it but i said i'd like to be altered and it was like it clanked

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 around in my head like it was metal numbers i mean it was it felt like a spiritual experience

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 or something because he looked at me didn't even slam the door and just he looked down and walked

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 out of the room and i helped me like i need help i asked a god that i didn't even know that i had for

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 help and i'm not sure how i got to my first meeting you know to be honest i've had somebody

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 come up to me at the end of a meeting and said you should really try to remember that like that

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 we want to know and i'm like if i knew i would tell you i don't know how i got to my first meeting but

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 here's the important part i got here you know i got to a meeting and even though i wasn't willing

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 to say i'm an alcoholic i couldn't deny the language of the heart i couldn't deny that i

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 heard your story and that i felt it was my story i couldn't deny that even though i i you know hadn't

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 gone to prison and i hadn't gotten a dui and i hadn't you know i i didn't you know i clean up

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 kind of nice i always have i've been worried about my outside so what you think about me my whole

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 life too and you know you guys would say things like it's an inside job and and all these things

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 does it and first things first and one day at a time i'm like what are they talking about i just

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 want to i just want to quit drinking you know i just i don't know about this god stuff i i just

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 but physical sobriety is hard to deny you know like by 30 days sober i felt better you know like

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 i really did it's hard to deny physical sobriety feels better when you've been drinking hard all

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 day every day for a long time when you're just sick and tired of being sick and tired and um i

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 also like round numbers i'm also competitive so i'm thinking okay if i got 30 i can probably get

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 a 60-day chip i'll try that and so i get the 60-day chip and then i get a 90-day chip and

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 and now i'm starting to meet my tribe you know like i find women who are laughing loud in the

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 meetings and kind of being troublemaker i'm like they're cute and they're fun i mean i bet i can

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 become their friend it's like i started to feel like i belonged you know i i got a sponsor my

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 first sponsor was amazing and um she took me through the book you know line by line and she

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 helped me write um she had me write the set aside prayer which is here on the wall on the inside

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 cover of my book and asked me to pray every day and say that prayer and i had never said a prayer

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 in my life but when i said help me have a new experience like i think i know everything like

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 i think i know like i even today i i get paid to know i do a job where people pay me to tell them

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 what to do and and so i'm good at it i fake it till i make it and and i'm worried about how i

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 look so half the time i'm bullshitting or half the time i'm just gonna say what i need to say

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 so that you think i know anyway god please help me set aside everything i think i know and i'm

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 trying to have this new experience i finally want something different you know and then she has me

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 write from my third step write what your concept of god is and i'm i'm now feeling like shit you

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 guys are going to kick me out if i don't if i don't you know come clean about i don't really

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 have a god and she's like honey just write whatever comes to to mind you know and and i

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 started writing and i'm pretty sure that that little baby jane who was third in the third grade

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 like i think i always had a god you know i think that i i knew even when my parents would say

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 carl marx's favorite quote like religion religion is the opiate of the masses i i've always felt

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 cheated out of faith i felt like like why didn't we get that you know why didn't you give me that

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 like if you weren't gonna parent like most parents parent you could have at least given us god or

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 something so that we had some sort of comfort i didn't have that and i felt cheated out of it

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 so i'm starting to write down what is my concept of god and what starts coming out of me convinces

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 me like god has always been with me and i and i begin to have what i really feel was a spiritual

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 experience and uh it was sudden and profound for me and and i felt like the drink problem had been

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 solved in that moment for me like i have never had a desire to have another drink um i felt profoundly

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 connected to the people in the rooms i became really eager to learn more about alcoholism

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 and what my disease looks like you know and and by the time i'm four years sober um i felt like

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 i needed a new experience you know and i i found a sponsor who uh i heard speaking at a convention

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 and she was talking about this column work and if you're not doing the columns this way that you

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 know and if you're not uh going to a book study and if you know then you're just around aa and

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 i'm like she's talking about and so i started going to her book study just to find out what

167
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 the fuck she was talking about and um i had never done any column work i'm like what is this column

168
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 work that you keep talking about you know and and she has since recanted and and she'll now say

169
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 there's no wrong way to do the steps the only wrong way to do the steps the only wrong way to do aa

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 is to not do it so i'm grateful that she did change her position on that because i can lighten

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 up too i don't have to to know how to do it i only have to share my experience strength and hope with

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 the way it was shown to me so with the women i sponsor i just get to be willing to be inconvenienced

173
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 you know all i have to do is take the calls when it's inconvenient and and you know take them

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 through the book line by line and and share the same worksheets that were shared with me and and

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 and it is my understanding that the column work is really just to help me get right size because when

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 i think i need to know i'm somehow blocking myself from the powerlessness that is really uh the root

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 of the problem so when i'm playing god which i do all the time i'm trying to uh i'm trying to alter

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 your experience i'm trying to like tell you how i think you should do it like i gotta get right

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 sized it's it's not up to me i don't have to know anything and all the column work is really just to

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 talk about you know who i'm resentful at why what i could have done differently which is the recovered

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 behavior why didn't i the why didn't i column is the fear what fear was driving you and it's almost

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 always you know the cliff note version that i've learned is it's a fear of losing something i have

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 which could be a material thing or it could be security or love or you know being enough

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 whatever the fear is it's losing something i have not getting something i want or being found out

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 to be an imposter and those were all things i was riddled with my whole life like i wasn't even sure

186
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 who i really was because i was so busy trying to be what you needed me to be and so worried about

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 whether or not i was doing a good enough job you know was i enough did you like me you know am i

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 smart enough am i pretty enough and you know getting right-sized isn't easy it doesn't feel

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 natural like i uh humility does not you know it's like a hard pill to swallow like i'm selfish and

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 self-centered you know just by nature i think it's a human condition i don't think us alcoholics have

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 any any special you know grasp on that but what we do get are these tools you know these tools

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 and designed for living that it's remarkable my kid is not an alcoholic um doesn't mean i you know

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 we won't have a seat for him if that ever changes but what he always says is you people are deep man

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 like like like i i wish we could all do the 12 steps i would not wish everybody could i'm like

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 well you do qualify in a couple of ways you you could do them but the truth is is i'm really

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 grateful to be an alcoholic today you know because um i don't i don't ever have to do this thing alone

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 you know like if i i walked into this room and like i i i love you like i loved you the minute

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 you texted me like i i feel completely rooted in who i am today that i and everything on the

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 outside looks the same i just know that it's gonna be okay it's gonna work out the way it's supposed

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 to that as long as i continue to be willing to be inconvenienced in alcoholics anonymous as long as

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 i'm willing to you know show women how to ask the right questions so that they can understand what

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 their disease looks like and identify the lie because for me that um the open-mindedness

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 willingness and honesty that's required like half of the time the life for me is what my disease

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 really looks like you know and and when it crops up and if if i'm not careful and if i'm not really

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 vigilant then i'll slip right back into that self-centered fear where i start thinking i need

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 something in order to be okay and you know it may or may not be a drink today but it will would be

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 eventually you know because something has to fix that kind of problem for me if it's an outside

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 issue and and today i just you know you suit up you show up um i i work on saying the third step

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 prayer every day you know like it's been my second prayer first i learned the set aside prayer and

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 then i learned the third step prayer and i don't know my god is just it's it's it's perfect for me

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 it's just it's somebody once described it as this gold thread that connects my heart to your heart

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 to your heart to your heart and i was so busy trying to do it right like when people would

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 talk about their god i'm like oh my god to be as good as their god but the truth for me is like

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 i just want to feel a part of you know i just want to feel like that i don't have to to block

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 that that feeling of love and connectedness that i i blocked with drugs and alcohol for so long

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 just trying to be okay so when i say god i offer myself to the it's the spirit of the universe it's

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 love it's connectedness and you know it goes on to say take away my difficulties you know when i

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 got here my difficulties were the man was his wife was the baby was uh you know the repo man was the

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 eviction notice those were what i thought my difficulties were you know i now realize that

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 my difficulties are really always my self-centered fear it's always that and so take away my

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 difficulties and i say it slow and i get clear on what the difficulties are you know like is it

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 judgment because if i'm in judgment it's actually fear but if i'm judging you it i need to be better

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 than you so i need to make you less than like it's not right-sized like so for me trying to stay

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 right-sized how do i stay out of judgment how do i just love how do i just i'm okay the way i am and

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 you're okay and we're just that's the difficulties how do i stay right-sized and so that i can better

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 do thy will and it's a beautiful life you know it's a beautiful life it's life on life's terms

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 it's one day at a time you know i just started i have no idea how much time i have left thanks

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 you know just recently uh i went to a friend's funeral um there's a friend's dad's funeral she

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 was my best friend when i was pregnant and uh the father my son's biological father um died in

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 alcoholic death he died we we never saw him after about a year my son was a year old when he when he

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 had to leave because he got caught in bed with my best friend's little sister who was 17 at the time

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 so that's just a messy complicated story of how things go when you're being like quality um so he

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 left but i stayed best friends with uh her older sister and we raised our kids together for like 10

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 12 years and and i had this huge crutch on her older brother and uh he was amazing and handsome

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 and smart and just total womanizer and he uh i love that about him and and he chose somebody

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 else by the time my son was two or three we were sort of involved and and he chose the other woman

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 and i only tell you that because 30 years later i go to their dad's service and there he is at the

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 wedding and it feel at the at the their dad's funeral sorry it wasn't a wedding um and i'm

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 seeing him now like 30 years later i'm in this relationship with somebody with all this crazy

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 history and it's long distance and he's an addict and uh he's sober right now but it's like he

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 recently said to me man you're pretty serious about this recovery stuff and i said yeah i really

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 am i really am i have to be because if if i'm not and he he made some crack about how how he's been

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 sober for a while but he had just told me he took a drink at a christmas party and i'm like so listen

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 i'm not trying to take your inventory dude but you're not actually sober and i'm thinking like

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 all my red flags are flaring up right like can i really do a long distance relationship with an

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 a practicing addict and i don't know you know i don't know if i can or not but the truth is

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 i know what my program needs to look like i know what i have to do in order to keep a safe healthy

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 distance from feeling like a drink is going to solve any problems for me and it's a perfect set

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 of tools that we're given you know it really is it's it's all in the book you know the the solution

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 to our problems is in the book i just don't want to ever lose sight of what what it looks like when

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 i think that a drink or a drug is going to just take the edge off for me like i have to be really

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 clear that you know the minute i decide to to do that like all bets are off you know that i lose

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 all the relationships that i've built i lose everything and today my life is beautiful that

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 same kid who walked in and said you're pathetic says i'm the best human he's ever known you know

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 he calls me bro he says i'm his best friend um and he you know he never really knew his dad and

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 he just found out a year and a half ago from some crazy stalker chick that his uh biological dad was

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 in hawaii that he's got a half sister and that um she found out the woman that used to be like just

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 all this stuff for my son to figure out that the dad that he's never known died a lonely alcoholic

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 death on the streets of hawaii and um it's heartbreaking you know this was a guy i love

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 this was the love of my life and and my son while not an alcoholic had all these ideas about one day

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 i'm going to meet this guy and i'm going to show this guy exactly what he missed out on and the

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 truth is is if you're an alcoholic like us you know we we it's not uncommon to push everybody

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 out of our lives until we're you know alone and desperate and uh and dying i i i've gone to too

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 many funerals in 13 years i've seen too many people that i love die from this disease women

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 i've sponsored have died you know people think they have one more shot and you know and we don't

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 know i mean anymore you know the the minute that i think that i can go out one more time is um it's

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 a sad day i don't i don't want to have to ever try to come back you know like it's a beautiful life

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 and uh i i feel like that's really all i have i just know that i am super grateful to be here

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 with you guys that if anybody um is interested in an awesome book study or would like to call

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 i want to always stick out my hand to the women in alcoholics anonymous and make myself available

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 karen thank you again so much for asking me to be here with you guys and i hope everybody has a safe

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 holiday thank you again perfect thank you so much