sometimes it's so nice to be at a meeting with my people thank you john uh my sobriety date is
november 12th 2009 i just celebrated 13 years um i have a sponsor she has a sponsor i sponsor women
uh i have a home group it's a book study and it's amazing it's on thursday nights it's at 7 30 it is
also a hybrid meeting it's called principles before personalities and um and i have a commitment there
and you know those three things were all recommended when i got here you know get a sponsor
get a home group uh get a commitment and i really wasn't interested in any of those things but i was
desperate i was out of ideas i was broken uh so much about your story resonates deeply and
profoundly it feels like my story and you know when i got here um i didn't know i was an alcoholic
in fact i was not willing to admit that i was an alcoholic i didn't really identify as an
alcoholic i was just desperate and broken and couldn't stop drinking and uh my son who is today
your age um had walked into my room one morning not unlike any other morning uh and it was maybe
seven a.m before school and i was taking a swig of the vodka that i took a swig of every morning
i was a daily drinker i drank every day i drank all day uh usually until i i passed out at night
and i was a blackout drinker and drugs and alcohol had been a part of my story for as long as i could
remember even in periods or intervals where i had stopped drinking i actually didn't drink from the
age of of 22 to 40 um and that's a dangerous fact if you're an alcoholic like me because
i i was convinced i couldn't possibly have been an alcoholic like if you don't drink from 22 years
old to 40 like there's no way i'm an alcoholic right but you know let me i got enough time uh
to to tell you a little bit more about what it used to be like before what happened and then
what it's like today i smoked my first joint in the third grade um i had my first beer probably
that same summer my parents um were remarkable people they had five kids i was born in you know
64 by the late 60s my parents got really interested in what was happening in the world
and the anti-war movement and they started studying mao and marxism and leninism and they
became revolutionary communists and you know for all intents and purposes they were amazing people
who really thought they could make a big difference in the world and so they packed up all five of us
kids from upstate new york and we we drove to seattle and we became like these little red diaper
babies we were on cricket lines and demonstrations and we hung out with the black panthers and we
hung out at the el centro de la raza and you know my parents reminded us all the time you're not the
most important thing and you know i was shy and i was uncomfortable and i be i became an expert
people pleaser you know i was a chameleon much like yourself like i could hang out with you know
the all black kids i could hang out with the asian kids i could hang out with the white kids i could
hang out with the stoners and then i could hang out in the choir like i i was anything you needed
me to be um but when i like i wasn't smoking or drinking daily in the third grade but as often as
i could like i loved how it felt to just not be in this body you know i was really uncomfortable
just being me and uh i was sweet and i was shy and i was curious and i think i was smart but man it
just wasn't enough like i i wanted i wanted to feel better different smarter funnier you know
sexier prettier pretty enough smart enough like i never felt like i was enough of anything because
i didn't really get what i thought i needed from you from my mom from from anybody and drugs and
alcohol really helped with that for a long time you know like i i just wanted to be high and i i
chased that my entire life man it just felt like uh you know i never had one of anything you know
one drink was never part of my story one hit one joint one line there was never part of my story
like i was going to the wheels fell off and i i was fun i loved to party it was like amazing uh
until it stopped working and you know so just to back up so at 22 years old um in my mind every
bad thing that ever happened to me was because i was drinking or high you know i put myself in
harm's way regularly uh growing up in you know in an inner city working class neighborhood um drugs
and alcohol were really easy to get and there was you know by junior high one of my best friends is
a pimp you know my other best friends are dealers like i mean i'm i'm gonna get what i need you know
like i'm gonna be okay as long as you have what i need to feel okay and um that puts me in harm's
way you know a lot of bad things happen to me i i come out of blackouts a lot going jesus how did
i get here how do i get out of here uh where am i um and you know we didn't have cell phones then
you know like it just like life was unmanageable for a long time and so by the time i'm 22 man i
i had my fill like i had i had done enough drugs and enough drinking to for all you know like for
anybody and and i was able to stop drinking because the man who was to become the father
of my beautiful son uh was an alcoholic and and while i didn't really know anything about alcoholism
i was like i think you're an alcoholic like i'm pretty sure you are and um you know one more time
harm's way bad relationship there was a fight i got a black eye and i said if you don't quit
drinking i'm gonna leave you you know it might have been one of the best decisions i had made
up to that point in my life and so he quit drinking for a minute i quit drinking for 18 years
and i end up getting pregnant you know a year and a half later i end up having this beautiful baby
boy and i end up being a single mom because he was an alcoholic who couldn't stop drinking and
and i i could see that in him and i had a healthy enough fear about what alcoholism was without
knowing i had never read the big book i had never gone to a meeting i didn't understand that the
alcohol and the drugs weren't the problem they were the solution you know i didn't really
understand that i had this physical allergy that when i took a drink i was going to get the
phenomenon of craving but i knew that i probably shouldn't take that first drink you know at least
i had this sort of gut feeling and i was an atheist my parents were staunch atheists so i
didn't have a god in my life but i was i was a pretty decent single mom for a bunch of years you
know the big book tells us maybe my disease hadn't hadn't really become a full-fledged maybe i wasn't
an alcoholic yet i don't i don't know but for about the first 10 years or so i you know i every
once in a while i would smoke pot but it wasn't that important to me i didn't drink so my disease
is sitting on the back burner and um i end up having to get a double hip replacement which is
just another whole story i got hit by a truck uh when i was 13 but i had been uh on pain meds and
taking them as prescribed you know because i i had this idea that i probably shouldn't abuse them
because i wasn't drinking so i was doing the best i can but this this surgery before the second hip
replacement the doctor took me off cold turkey off this oxycontin um and i went through really bad
withdrawals and it's just my own personal opinion that going through such debilitating withdrawals
triggered the phenomenon of craving for me you know like something shifted you know first i had
to you know come off i had to suffer and feverish and you know get weaned off of this drug but
something felt different you know like i was like something's missing you know here i got this
beautiful little boy i've been doing a pretty good job and all of a sudden i need something again like
something just was missing and and i found the party you know and even for for five years though
take a drink i would do anything else you know i i would drugs are definitely part of my story
if i walked into a bathroom and you were doing it i would get it also like i mean i i would take it
if you had it no question that and it became like my my beautiful 12 year old son watched me as i
started to have he was no longer the most important thing you know like i got to recreate that in my
son's life because drugs and alcohol became the most important thing and my my life got smaller
and darker like pretty quickly you know within five years of not taking a drink but doing drugs
i finally took a drink and uh thank god that once i took that drink it happened so fast i immediately
became the same exact kind of drinker that i always was like why wouldn't i drink all day
like this is amazing i can't believe i didn't drink for 18 years shit i got some casting up to do
and uh you know i'm ruled by the self-centered you know selfish self-centered like i i can only
think about what i need to be okay and and it didn't matter that my kid needed me it didn't
matter what was going on with you as long as i was getting what i needed and um it brought me
to my knees you know i uh i would just talk about incomprehensible demoralization by the time i got
here by the time my son walked in and i'm taking that swig at 7 a.m uh i was in a relationship that
i i thought was the root of all my troubles uh the man i love the man i thought i couldn't live
without he got his life pregnant i mean jesus uh you know like so i would do anything you know to
get what i thought i needed and that's what i thought i needed at the time and and i had
befriended her like i was this vile creature like i befriended a woman because i was in love with
her husband and and she would cry on my shoulder about like chris doesn't love me like he's only
happy when you're around i'm like yeah it's tough i mean i don't know like i i kept a vodka behind a
mirror in my bedroom with a locked door and i would try to look myself in the eyes you know
when i took that swig every morning because i knew in my heart of hearts that the self-loathing was
so bad like i couldn't stand the person i had morphed into like i i believed i believed for
a long time that my intentions were good like i was just trying to be okay but what i was willing
to do to get what i needed you know was ruthless and that morning he walked in and my son said
you're pathetic and i said dude you need a job like i pay all the bills around here you're
pathetic and like like i knew i was pathetic but that's how easy it was for me to you know to tell
my 19 year old son dude you're pathetic and he just said mom why can't you go back to being the
way that you used to be and i i knew what he meant you know i i knew that he meant back when he was
like you know up to 12 when i was actually you know trying to be a decent parent and what i
said instead was i'll always drink and i had been trying to stop drinking for like two years on my
own and couldn't you know this i kept trying to i kept thinking if i could just stop drinking
i could probably get out of this toxic relationship if i could just stop drinking like
in my mind my problem was the drinking and so i say i'll always drink and he was like why
and it was like somebody else said it but i said i'd like to be altered and it was like it clanked
around in my head like it was metal numbers i mean it was it felt like a spiritual experience
or something because he looked at me didn't even slam the door and just he looked down and walked
out of the room and i helped me like i need help i asked a god that i didn't even know that i had for
help and i'm not sure how i got to my first meeting you know to be honest i've had somebody
come up to me at the end of a meeting and said you should really try to remember that like that
we want to know and i'm like if i knew i would tell you i don't know how i got to my first meeting but
here's the important part i got here you know i got to a meeting and even though i wasn't willing
to say i'm an alcoholic i couldn't deny the language of the heart i couldn't deny that i
heard your story and that i felt it was my story i couldn't deny that even though i i you know hadn't
gone to prison and i hadn't gotten a dui and i hadn't you know i i didn't you know i clean up
kind of nice i always have i've been worried about my outside so what you think about me my whole
life too and you know you guys would say things like it's an inside job and and all these things
does it and first things first and one day at a time i'm like what are they talking about i just
want to i just want to quit drinking you know i just i don't know about this god stuff i i just
but physical sobriety is hard to deny you know like by 30 days sober i felt better you know like
i really did it's hard to deny physical sobriety feels better when you've been drinking hard all
day every day for a long time when you're just sick and tired of being sick and tired and um i
also like round numbers i'm also competitive so i'm thinking okay if i got 30 i can probably get
a 60-day chip i'll try that and so i get the 60-day chip and then i get a 90-day chip and
and now i'm starting to meet my tribe you know like i find women who are laughing loud in the
meetings and kind of being troublemaker i'm like they're cute and they're fun i mean i bet i can
become their friend it's like i started to feel like i belonged you know i i got a sponsor my
first sponsor was amazing and um she took me through the book you know line by line and she
helped me write um she had me write the set aside prayer which is here on the wall on the inside
cover of my book and asked me to pray every day and say that prayer and i had never said a prayer
in my life but when i said help me have a new experience like i think i know everything like
i think i know like i even today i i get paid to know i do a job where people pay me to tell them
what to do and and so i'm good at it i fake it till i make it and and i'm worried about how i
look so half the time i'm bullshitting or half the time i'm just gonna say what i need to say
so that you think i know anyway god please help me set aside everything i think i know and i'm
trying to have this new experience i finally want something different you know and then she has me
write from my third step write what your concept of god is and i'm i'm now feeling like shit you
guys are going to kick me out if i don't if i don't you know come clean about i don't really
have a god and she's like honey just write whatever comes to to mind you know and and i
started writing and i'm pretty sure that that little baby jane who was third in the third grade
like i think i always had a god you know i think that i i knew even when my parents would say
carl marx's favorite quote like religion religion is the opiate of the masses i i've always felt
cheated out of faith i felt like like why didn't we get that you know why didn't you give me that
like if you weren't gonna parent like most parents parent you could have at least given us god or
something so that we had some sort of comfort i didn't have that and i felt cheated out of it
so i'm starting to write down what is my concept of god and what starts coming out of me convinces
me like god has always been with me and i and i begin to have what i really feel was a spiritual
experience and uh it was sudden and profound for me and and i felt like the drink problem had been
solved in that moment for me like i have never had a desire to have another drink um i felt profoundly
connected to the people in the rooms i became really eager to learn more about alcoholism
and what my disease looks like you know and and by the time i'm four years sober um i felt like
i needed a new experience you know and i i found a sponsor who uh i heard speaking at a convention
and she was talking about this column work and if you're not doing the columns this way that you
know and if you're not uh going to a book study and if you know then you're just around aa and
i'm like she's talking about and so i started going to her book study just to find out what
the fuck she was talking about and um i had never done any column work i'm like what is this column
work that you keep talking about you know and and she has since recanted and and she'll now say
there's no wrong way to do the steps the only wrong way to do the steps the only wrong way to do aa
is to not do it so i'm grateful that she did change her position on that because i can lighten
up too i don't have to to know how to do it i only have to share my experience strength and hope with
the way it was shown to me so with the women i sponsor i just get to be willing to be inconvenienced
you know all i have to do is take the calls when it's inconvenient and and you know take them
through the book line by line and and share the same worksheets that were shared with me and and
and it is my understanding that the column work is really just to help me get right size because when
i think i need to know i'm somehow blocking myself from the powerlessness that is really uh the root
of the problem so when i'm playing god which i do all the time i'm trying to uh i'm trying to alter
your experience i'm trying to like tell you how i think you should do it like i gotta get right
sized it's it's not up to me i don't have to know anything and all the column work is really just to
talk about you know who i'm resentful at why what i could have done differently which is the recovered
behavior why didn't i the why didn't i column is the fear what fear was driving you and it's almost
always you know the cliff note version that i've learned is it's a fear of losing something i have
which could be a material thing or it could be security or love or you know being enough
whatever the fear is it's losing something i have not getting something i want or being found out
to be an imposter and those were all things i was riddled with my whole life like i wasn't even sure
who i really was because i was so busy trying to be what you needed me to be and so worried about
whether or not i was doing a good enough job you know was i enough did you like me you know am i
smart enough am i pretty enough and you know getting right-sized isn't easy it doesn't feel
natural like i uh humility does not you know it's like a hard pill to swallow like i'm selfish and
self-centered you know just by nature i think it's a human condition i don't think us alcoholics have
any any special you know grasp on that but what we do get are these tools you know these tools
and designed for living that it's remarkable my kid is not an alcoholic um doesn't mean i you know
we won't have a seat for him if that ever changes but what he always says is you people are deep man
like like like i i wish we could all do the 12 steps i would not wish everybody could i'm like
well you do qualify in a couple of ways you you could do them but the truth is is i'm really
grateful to be an alcoholic today you know because um i don't i don't ever have to do this thing alone
you know like if i i walked into this room and like i i i love you like i loved you the minute
you texted me like i i feel completely rooted in who i am today that i and everything on the
outside looks the same i just know that it's gonna be okay it's gonna work out the way it's supposed
to that as long as i continue to be willing to be inconvenienced in alcoholics anonymous as long as
i'm willing to you know show women how to ask the right questions so that they can understand what
their disease looks like and identify the lie because for me that um the open-mindedness
willingness and honesty that's required like half of the time the life for me is what my disease
really looks like you know and and when it crops up and if if i'm not careful and if i'm not really
vigilant then i'll slip right back into that self-centered fear where i start thinking i need
something in order to be okay and you know it may or may not be a drink today but it will would be
eventually you know because something has to fix that kind of problem for me if it's an outside
issue and and today i just you know you suit up you show up um i i work on saying the third step
prayer every day you know like it's been my second prayer first i learned the set aside prayer and
then i learned the third step prayer and i don't know my god is just it's it's it's perfect for me
it's just it's somebody once described it as this gold thread that connects my heart to your heart
to your heart to your heart and i was so busy trying to do it right like when people would
talk about their god i'm like oh my god to be as good as their god but the truth for me is like
i just want to feel a part of you know i just want to feel like that i don't have to to block
that that feeling of love and connectedness that i i blocked with drugs and alcohol for so long
just trying to be okay so when i say god i offer myself to the it's the spirit of the universe it's
love it's connectedness and you know it goes on to say take away my difficulties you know when i
got here my difficulties were the man was his wife was the baby was uh you know the repo man was the
eviction notice those were what i thought my difficulties were you know i now realize that
my difficulties are really always my self-centered fear it's always that and so take away my
difficulties and i say it slow and i get clear on what the difficulties are you know like is it
judgment because if i'm in judgment it's actually fear but if i'm judging you it i need to be better
than you so i need to make you less than like it's not right-sized like so for me trying to stay
right-sized how do i stay out of judgment how do i just love how do i just i'm okay the way i am and
you're okay and we're just that's the difficulties how do i stay right-sized and so that i can better
do thy will and it's a beautiful life you know it's a beautiful life it's life on life's terms
it's one day at a time you know i just started i have no idea how much time i have left thanks
you know just recently uh i went to a friend's funeral um there's a friend's dad's funeral she
was my best friend when i was pregnant and uh the father my son's biological father um died in
alcoholic death he died we we never saw him after about a year my son was a year old when he when he
had to leave because he got caught in bed with my best friend's little sister who was 17 at the time
so that's just a messy complicated story of how things go when you're being like quality um so he
left but i stayed best friends with uh her older sister and we raised our kids together for like 10
12 years and and i had this huge crutch on her older brother and uh he was amazing and handsome
and smart and just total womanizer and he uh i love that about him and and he chose somebody
else by the time my son was two or three we were sort of involved and and he chose the other woman
and i only tell you that because 30 years later i go to their dad's service and there he is at the
wedding and it feel at the at the their dad's funeral sorry it wasn't a wedding um and i'm
seeing him now like 30 years later i'm in this relationship with somebody with all this crazy
history and it's long distance and he's an addict and uh he's sober right now but it's like he
recently said to me man you're pretty serious about this recovery stuff and i said yeah i really
am i really am i have to be because if if i'm not and he he made some crack about how how he's been
sober for a while but he had just told me he took a drink at a christmas party and i'm like so listen
i'm not trying to take your inventory dude but you're not actually sober and i'm thinking like
all my red flags are flaring up right like can i really do a long distance relationship with an
a practicing addict and i don't know you know i don't know if i can or not but the truth is
i know what my program needs to look like i know what i have to do in order to keep a safe healthy
distance from feeling like a drink is going to solve any problems for me and it's a perfect set
of tools that we're given you know it really is it's it's all in the book you know the the solution
to our problems is in the book i just don't want to ever lose sight of what what it looks like when
i think that a drink or a drug is going to just take the edge off for me like i have to be really
clear that you know the minute i decide to to do that like all bets are off you know that i lose
all the relationships that i've built i lose everything and today my life is beautiful that
same kid who walked in and said you're pathetic says i'm the best human he's ever known you know
he calls me bro he says i'm his best friend um and he you know he never really knew his dad and
he just found out a year and a half ago from some crazy stalker chick that his uh biological dad was
in hawaii that he's got a half sister and that um she found out the woman that used to be like just
all this stuff for my son to figure out that the dad that he's never known died a lonely alcoholic
death on the streets of hawaii and um it's heartbreaking you know this was a guy i love
this was the love of my life and and my son while not an alcoholic had all these ideas about one day
i'm going to meet this guy and i'm going to show this guy exactly what he missed out on and the
truth is is if you're an alcoholic like us you know we we it's not uncommon to push everybody
out of our lives until we're you know alone and desperate and uh and dying i i i've gone to too
many funerals in 13 years i've seen too many people that i love die from this disease women
i've sponsored have died you know people think they have one more shot and you know and we don't
know i mean anymore you know the the minute that i think that i can go out one more time is um it's
a sad day i don't i don't want to have to ever try to come back you know like it's a beautiful life
and uh i i feel like that's really all i have i just know that i am super grateful to be here
with you guys that if anybody um is interested in an awesome book study or would like to call
i want to always stick out my hand to the women in alcoholics anonymous and make myself available
karen thank you again so much for asking me to be here with you guys and i hope everybody has a safe
holiday thank you again perfect thank you so much