1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,880 - Hey everyone, my name's Ryan, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:03,040 - Hey. 3 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,560 - Before I get in the quagmire of self, 4 00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:08,180 I wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas 5 00:00:08,180 --> 00:00:10,200 and a Happy New Year and thanks, Karen, 6 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,880 for asking me to come out and thanks for your share, Scott. 7 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,280 I didn't think rules applied to me either. 8 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,160 More importantly, I didn't think the laws 9 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:18,280 applied to me either. 10 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:19,520 (laughing) 11 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,320 My sobriety date is September 9th, 2003 12 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:26,240 and that's not a record, but it's pretty impressive 13 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:29,280 for a guy who acts and thinks and drinks like me. 14 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:31,400 And that's all due to the program 15 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,680 of Alcoholics Anonymous and the people in it, you know, 16 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,880 because I had tried many countless vain attempts 17 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,080 to try to stop drinking on my own. 18 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,520 Not only did they not work, 19 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:43,680 they ended even more horribly than the world. 20 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:47,000 I was born in a small town in New Jersey 21 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,600 and come from a long line of, not necessarily alcoholics, 22 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:54,920 but crazy Irish immigrants that tend to have mental 23 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,120 and emotional problems that sometimes manifest themselves 24 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:01,880 in alcoholism and 90% of the time that manifests themselves 25 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:05,400 in criminal activity and stuff like that. 26 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:09,880 That skipped a generation with my father and my uncle. 27 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,200 My grandfather came from Ireland in 1906. 28 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,400 He was a thief, he was about 15 years old. 29 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:20,080 He ended up going into World War I when that opened up 30 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,080 and he came out and I'm sure he was doing tons 31 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,440 of illegal things when he was in the Navy in World War I. 32 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,260 So when he came back from the war, 33 00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:30,440 they decided to make him a New York police officer, 34 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,560 which probably wasn't the best job, you know, 35 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:38,560 but he died when I was young, I never got to meet him, 36 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:41,440 but everyone in my family says, 37 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,320 "You're exactly like your grandpa." 38 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,840 And like I said, my dad was a straight-laced guy. 39 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,780 He went to Fordham University in the Bronx, New York, 40 00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:50,680 graduated with a business degree. 41 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:53,880 His brother, my uncle, owned an acoustic ceiling 42 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,560 and contracting business in New York. 43 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:59,960 So I had great examples of what a good man should be 44 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,080 as a kid growing up. 45 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,340 It's just that I didn't want to take them. 46 00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:06,760 We stayed in New Jersey till I was seven. 47 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:10,600 And like I said, my family's a little on the pinky side 48 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,400 of how to make a living. 49 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,640 So my grandfather owned bars in New York. 50 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,960 My uncle Mike was a semi-connected guy 51 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,080 in the Gambino family and he owned a bar 52 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,080 right across the street from Chase Stadium. 53 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,200 So as a kid, my dad would take me to bars 54 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,760 and that didn't make me an alcoholic. 55 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,080 It's just, it gave me a place that I knew 56 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,240 when I could start drinking where I wanted to be. 57 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,240 I wanted to be where there was action. 58 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,940 Even at seven years old, I knew what a pimp was, 59 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:41,020 I knew what a bookmaker was, I knew what a loan shark was, 60 00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:42,440 I knew what all these things were 61 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,000 and that's what I wanted to be. 62 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,880 I wanted to be like that. 63 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:50,880 So in 1975, my dad was transferred out here to California 64 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,360 and we ended up in a little town west of here 65 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:56,600 called Canoga Park and it was a perfect place for me. 66 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,160 I was the only white kid on the neighborhood 67 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,600 and I grew up with the Munozes, Rodartes, the Ramirezes, 68 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:03,480 all that stuff. 69 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:07,180 So it kind of gave me a sense of who I was, 70 00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:10,000 but I was, you know, and I always kind of battled with that. 71 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,880 And even till today, it's still like, 72 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,400 well, I'm like this, I'm like that, 73 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,460 but I kind of stopped trying to figure that out. 74 00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:20,200 My first drug of choice was sports. 75 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,320 I was a kid, my head was loud, even as a young kid. 76 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:25,680 I mean, it was just going off. 77 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,440 And the first thing that took quiet in my head 78 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,000 was playing a game that I had never even heard of 79 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,300 until I came to California and it was soccer. 80 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:36,000 You know, I grew up football, boxing, baseball, 81 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:36,880 all that stuff. 82 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:40,200 And I remember the first time I played it, I grabbed it, 83 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,140 I picked up the ball and started running with it. 84 00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:44,360 And no, no, no, you can't do that, you can't. 85 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,400 And I remember I felt so ashamed, 86 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,760 but in my alcoholic genius, 87 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,440 maybe I should have asked what the rules were 88 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,920 before I started playing, but I didn't do that. 89 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,400 And from that moment on, 90 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,320 I decided that I was gonna do everything I could 91 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,260 to be the best soccer player I could be. 92 00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:00,900 And that was a great thing, 93 00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:03,200 but it also was a double-edged sword. 94 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,560 You know, I had, one of my coaches was from England 95 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,940 and he had connections in England 96 00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:12,000 and he wanted me to go back at eight years old 97 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,560 and play in the youth club there. 98 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,200 You know, I didn't want to do it 99 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:18,920 because what happened was when I was on the pitch 100 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,780 and I was playing, my head was quiet. 101 00:04:20,780 --> 00:04:22,320 I just reacted to the game. 102 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,840 I had great intuition and they called me, 103 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:27,240 one of my coaches called me the garbage man. 104 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,080 I just knew where to be at all times. 105 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,380 But the problem was is when the game ended, 106 00:04:31,380 --> 00:04:33,040 I didn't want to get off the pitch 107 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,320 because nothing made me more uncomfortable 108 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,400 than someone telling me I was good at something. 109 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,300 You know, and that's keen alcoholic 110 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,280 and absolute alcoholic thinking. 111 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,440 I mean, literally guys on the team's parents 112 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,880 would come up and say, "Oh man, you're great." 113 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,840 And I could feel the back of my neck stand up. 114 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:49,680 I hated it. 115 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,000 I couldn't get out of there. 116 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,720 So that was the beginning of feeling less than, 117 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,760 feeling, you know, below, feeling different. 118 00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:58,960 You know, I get the whole, you know, 119 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:02,180 I didn't have the handbook and life and all that stuff, 120 00:05:02,180 --> 00:05:03,840 but I just felt out of place. 121 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,220 And you know, I was a shy, quiet kid, 122 00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:07,920 but inside I needed a valium 123 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,480 the size of a hockey puck to calm down, you know? 124 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,600 And that went a long way for me 125 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:17,800 until I was 13 years old is when I took my first drink. 126 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,200 And by the time I was 18, I was a daily drinker. 127 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,280 Not only was I drinking, I'd grown up in Canoga Park, 128 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,800 I was doing cocaine, I was taking steroids. 129 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,000 So if you want to be a spiritual human being, 130 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,720 those are three drugs you don't take in a combination. 131 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:31,640 They make you a little whack. 132 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,560 So like I said, by the time I was 18, 133 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,240 I was drinking every day. 134 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,360 And I remember all my life growing up, my family, 135 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,600 the one thing we all had in common was music. 136 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,600 And don't ask me why, growing up in New Jersey, 137 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,480 I remember staying home and my mom, 138 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,280 well, this is in the Hank Williams Senior. 139 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,640 It's not like normal music from New Jersey. 140 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,000 And Eddie Armand and then my sisters would come home 141 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,520 and it'd be rock and roll, Bach and Turner all would drive, 142 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,200 you know, all the classic rock. 143 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,840 And my dad would come home and it was the Spinners 144 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,240 and the Manhattans and stuff like that. 145 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,360 So I grew up loving music. 146 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,860 And I remember older people like me might remember 147 00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:07,360 they used to have like the record 148 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,400 of the Tape of the Month Club, Columbia. 149 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,720 And I remember I got two, I didn't order it. 150 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,080 It just showed up at my house. 151 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,040 And one of them was an album that I still loved to the day. 152 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,400 It's today, it was called Operation Micron by Queensrank. 153 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,960 And the other one was Jimmy Buffett's Greatest Hits. 154 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,680 And I remember listening to it. 155 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,480 And I remember Margaritaville as a kid growing up. 156 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,720 But I started, as crazy as it is, 157 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,320 I would like to blame Jimmy Buffett 158 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,920 for all the problems in my drinking. 159 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,120 He wrote a lot of songs which kind of, 160 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,640 the way I took them, there was a lot of nobility 161 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,760 and good feelings about drinking 162 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:46,320 and kind of living an unnormal lifestyle 163 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:47,560 as the way you look at it. 164 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,440 So at 17, you know, I set sail for Margaritaville, 165 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,360 but then I got knocked off course 166 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,280 and I ended up in Merle Haggardville. 167 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,880 That's not as exciting as Margaritaville. 168 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,000 But when I was 17, I was court ordered to go to AA. 169 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,360 I got arrested for my first DUI. 170 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:06,720 So I can tell you some funny stories about my drinking 171 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:07,600 and things like that. 172 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:11,240 But I've been arrested probably somewhere close to 15 times. 173 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,240 And I've given up decades of my life 174 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,000 to jails and institutions and prison. 175 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,840 And five of those arrests were for DUI. 176 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,600 So there's really nothing funny about the way I drink. 177 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,480 When I put alcohol in my system, 178 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,400 I don't care about anything but doing what I wanna do. 179 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,160 You know, and in the course of that, 180 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,120 I mean, I can kill someone. 181 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,680 My second DUI I got in Arizona, 182 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,760 I went down, I was living in a town called Prescott, Arizona 183 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:38,880 and I went down to Phoenix to go to the racetrack. 184 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:39,720 I drank all day. 185 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,080 And I was coming back and I'm on the 17 freeway going north 186 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,920 and there were cars in the right-hand lane. 187 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,040 So I got over in the left-hand lane. 188 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:49,720 There was a car sideways in that lane 189 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,440 and people standing in the meridian 190 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,040 and I hit in the median 191 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,000 and I hit the car in front of me, spun. 192 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,440 It came within a foot of killing four people. 193 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,080 And that didn't stop me from drinking 194 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,960 and it didn't stop me from drinking and driving. 195 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,720 You know, and looking back now, 196 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,280 that's, you know, that could have been, you know, 197 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,120 one of my nephews. 198 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,840 That could have been one of my grand nephews or grand nieces. 199 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,360 But at that point in time in my life, 200 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,200 I was on a straight track that all I wanted to do 201 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,360 was shut off my head 202 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,800 and if I got lucky, I would go to sleep enough. 203 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,560 And that's not normal feelings and normal thinking 204 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,280 for a 19, 20-year-old kid. 205 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:25,240 After that, I had to move back to California 206 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,960 and nothing really changed, you know. 207 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,720 I'm so blessed to have the family that I had. 208 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,440 I had three older sisters and, you know, 209 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,800 I would just get into trouble 210 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,280 and they would bail me out 211 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,400 or give me a couch to live on and stuff like that, you know. 212 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,960 And I never appreciated that from them. 213 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:45,040 I never appreciated the pain and the suffering 214 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,560 that they had to watch, 215 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,760 whether it was my parents or my brothers and sisters, 216 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:52,280 to watch me slowly disappear from the planet, you know, 217 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:57,280 and become so engulfed in alcohol and drugs and crime 218 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,640 and just really stupid behavior. 219 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,160 I only thought I was the only one that was getting hurt. 220 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,320 And I was okay with that. 221 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,560 I never looked at it at the outset of the point 222 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,360 of what I was doing to my parents, you know, 223 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,520 because there's a 10-year difference 224 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,760 between me and my youngest, closest sister. 225 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,920 So what I think my parents were trying to do 226 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,200 is they were trying to give it one more shot 227 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,880 to have a son and they got me, or it was a mistake. 228 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:24,720 And you know what? 229 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:28,080 I tried to prove every chance I could that I was a mistake, 230 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:29,560 but they were gonna pay for it, you know. 231 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:32,960 So my life was going horribly. 232 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,120 I would get a job, maybe eight months, I'd get fired. 233 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,240 So what happened is I got fired from a job 234 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,120 and my sister was living out in Thousand Hills. 235 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:44,080 She had just gone through a divorce. 236 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,640 And she said, "Hey, can you come out here 237 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,040 and help me with my two nephews, Colt and Kyle?" 238 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,360 And I said, "Yeah, that's no problem." 239 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,280 So I'm collecting unemployment, I'm sleeping on her couch, 240 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,000 I'm drinking every day, I'm sleeping till three o'clock, 241 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,120 I wake up, I drink, the kids come home from school, 242 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,080 I'm making something to eat, 243 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,120 I end up drinking till four or five in the morning, 244 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,240 go to sleep, do it all over again, you know? 245 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,040 And to me, as sad as it is, that was okay. 246 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:06,720 I was more than happy to live out 247 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,400 the rest of my life like that. 248 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,400 And that's pathetic, pathetic. 249 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,680 One of the DUIs I got, my sister had gone to sleep, 250 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,520 I took her car, I got pulled over in the parking lot 251 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,280 of this place called the Yukon Bell out in Thousand Oaks. 252 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,720 And for some reason, with my history, 253 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,680 they must have missed something, they O-R'd me. 254 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:26,920 So I got my one phone call and I called my sister 255 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,520 and I said, "Hey, I got arrested, 256 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:29,640 can you come pick me up?" 257 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,720 She said, "Yeah, no problem." 258 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,800 I said, "But you have to make one stop 259 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,320 before you come and get, 'cause I wear it." 260 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,480 I said, "You gotta go to the Yukon Bell and get your car." 261 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:38,320 'Cause I took, you know, 262 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,080 that's how selfish and self-centered. 263 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,720 And shortly after that, I ended up getting a job 264 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,200 in the mortgage business, I was making good money, 265 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,600 I was living out in Westlake. 266 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:50,920 And I came out here on a, it was a Sunday afternoon, 267 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,920 I went to a couple bars out here 268 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,360 and I was heading back to Thousand Oaks 269 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,800 and I got pulled over for my fifth DUI. 270 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,360 This was my fifth DUI in 11 years. 271 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,520 So I was looking at eight years in prison, you know, 272 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:05,200 and as tough and as savvy as I thought I was, 273 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,120 that's just not something I didn't wanna do. 274 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,600 And I had been given the opportunity to go to rehab 275 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,680 every time I got arrested before that 276 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,080 and I never took it, thank God, 277 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,880 because maybe going, taking it that one time 278 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:17,880 is what saved my life. 279 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,200 And I had a, my brother-in-law's son 280 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,640 had gone through a rehab out in Pasadena, 281 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:24,720 a place called Impact. 282 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,680 And, you know, he paid for me to go there. 283 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:32,400 It was mostly guys being paroled from the state penitentiary 284 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,720 or the federal penitentiary. 285 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,280 There was like eight people that actually paid to be there. 286 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,000 And, you know, I was one of them. 287 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,480 And I'd like to tell you that I went there 288 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:42,680 because I wanted to stop drinking and, you know, get sober. 289 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,840 But I went there because I knew legally 290 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,000 it was better for me to be there than not. 291 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,240 And thank God, you know, they, after three months, 292 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,960 I finally bounced around at every court and they said, 293 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,840 okay, well, you can complete another six months 294 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,280 in that rehab or you can go to prison 295 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,760 for eight years, you choose. 296 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,200 I'm not the brightest light on the porch, 297 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,320 but I knew a good deal when I heard it. 298 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,680 So I decided to stay there and that set me on the path. 299 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:08,760 I didn't stay sober, but what I am really grateful 300 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,560 a lot of days from now is I can look back 301 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:13,240 at the things that happened in my past 302 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,080 and see what it brought me to where I am. 303 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,000 And I'll never forget, in that rehab, like I said, 304 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,400 it was mostly parolees. 305 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,080 There was a guy from East LA, I named John. 306 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,880 And he was just, to me, the most irritating person 307 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,200 that ever walked the planet. 308 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,480 And about three days when I was in that rehab, 309 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:31,920 they had a break out of pink eyes. 310 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,400 So they had to put us all in this room, we couldn't leave. 311 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,560 And of course, who else had the pink eye was John. 312 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:38,320 After that, we had to go into the kitchen. 313 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,200 Who was working next to me was John. 314 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,720 After that, we went on what was called night phones, 315 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,960 which was kind of like you work at night and John was there. 316 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,440 And during the course of that time, 317 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:51,160 I was open minded enough to look at people 318 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,880 for how they were similar to me, not different. 319 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,160 And like I said, John was a junkie from East LA 320 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,680 and we ended up being roommates. 321 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,440 And we were shooting crap one night 322 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,320 about our illustrious history. 323 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:09,080 And I always thought I was better or different than someone 324 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,200 because I never put a needle in, I stopped short of that. 325 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,200 And we were talking and he was telling me about his wake up. 326 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,320 And I said, what's a wake up? 327 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,920 He's like, well, every time I shot heroin that night, 328 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,640 I would always save a little bit for the morning 329 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,880 so I could get through the day and it hit me like that. 330 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:27,200 I had been doing that with alcohol for decades. 331 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,600 So I am no different than him. 332 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,080 We ended up having a great friendship 333 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,400 and I ended up staying in that rehab and working there. 334 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,360 And he went on, he completed it and he left. 335 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,640 And I remember we packed up his stuff, 336 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,440 we went out to his car and we looked at each other 337 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,560 and we had shared a part of our lives, 338 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,040 and we cried like little girls. 339 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,040 And he was the first man, I didn't even tell my father, 340 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,680 I never said, hey, he was the first guy, 341 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:55,880 I said, hey, I love you. 342 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,680 So that was a valuable lesson. 343 00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,400 Unfortunately, he passed away at cancer a few years ago, 344 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,840 but he will always be in my mind 345 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,760 and he'll always be part of my sobriety. 346 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,560 And like I said, I wish I could tell you 347 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,160 I stayed sober after getting out of rehab, but I didn't. 348 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,360 After about 18 months, I copped a resentment 349 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,280 towards a place because it was changing 350 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:17,200 and wasn't the same as got me sober, so I left there. 351 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,800 And of course I moved right back into my old hood, 352 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,800 right out of Galton, Alabama. 353 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,560 And I had gotten a sponsor when I was there, 354 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,480 he was taking me to the Pacific group over the hill. 355 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,920 And it's amazing what you'll put up with 356 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,920 when you've got eight years of prison hanging over your head. 357 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,320 I went and was somewhat active, 358 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:40,160 went to a couple of watches and stuff like that. 359 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,000 And that was all great, 360 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,200 but at that point in time in my mental capacity, 361 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,600 I was just gonna have no part. 362 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,040 So like I said, I moved back to my old neighborhood. 363 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,440 I went there and took a cake for two years 364 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,200 on a Wednesday at the big meeting. 365 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,160 And by Friday night, I was on the business end 366 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,120 of a bottle of Captain Maury and then a crack pot. 367 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,800 Because what I had done is I didn't get involved 368 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,720 in the program of alcoholics around us. 369 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,720 I call it dry, you can call it whatever you want. 370 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:04,640 That's all I was. 371 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:08,320 So lucky enough, I called a buddy of mine 372 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,320 that I was in the rehab was still working there. 373 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,120 And he said, "Hey, do you wanna come back 374 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,840 "and I'll get you in right away?" 375 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,920 And I said, you know what, no, I think I'm just gonna try AA. 376 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,840 That was the best idea I've ever had in my life. 377 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:20,920 So I went back to AA, 378 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,960 but I still had my same preconceptions 379 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,680 and wanted to act a certain way. 380 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,360 And I stayed sober for six months and then I went out. 381 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,960 But in that six months, I met some good people. 382 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:35,760 So when I came back, I knew at that point 383 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,840 when I came back to AA on September 9th, 2003, 384 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,240 that if I continue to drink and use 385 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,640 and do the things that I do, 386 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,480 I was gonna do. 387 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,240 And for once in my life, through the grace of God, 388 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,000 I didn't want, I wanted to live. 389 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,320 I wanted to experience life. 390 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,680 And lucky enough, there was, 391 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:55,960 I was sitting in my apartment, high and drunk. 392 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,840 And there was a knock on the door. 393 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,520 It was a guy named Josh that I had met 394 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,040 at one of the meetings that I had went to. 395 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,280 And he took direction from the sponsor 396 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,400 to go and check on me. 397 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,040 And he came and I had hair back then. 398 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,840 I looked like, I don't know if you guys remember, 399 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,360 Nick Nolte's mug shot when he got arrested. 400 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,040 I mean, I was no vision for you. 401 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,160 I was a mess. 402 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,280 And he came with another guy, Joe, that was new, 403 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,840 that we affectionately called Shakes the Clown. 404 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,880 And I just remember when I opened the door 405 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:25,560 and they came in, just that look on their face 406 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,640 is that they knew exactly what I knew, 407 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,760 that if I continue to keep doing what I was doing, 408 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:30,600 I was good. 409 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,760 Josh said to me, he said, "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?" 410 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:33,720 I said, "I don't know." 411 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:35,880 He says, "Do you think you can not drink tomorrow?" 412 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:36,840 I says, "I don't know." 413 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,200 He says, "Do you want me to pick you up 414 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,880 and go to a meeting tomorrow night?" 415 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,000 I said, "I don't know." 416 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,480 And he came and picked me up and I've been sober ever since. 417 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:44,720 And that, to me, 418 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,520 there's two things that are an absolute proof to me 419 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:48,440 that there is a God. 420 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,160 The first one is the program of alcoholics and others, 421 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:55,360 because how do a stockbroker and a proctologist meet, 422 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,120 come up with this program and save millions of lives? 423 00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,120 There's gotta be a God. 424 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,960 It's gotta be divine inspiration. 425 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,440 And the second one is that he just showed up 426 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,120 and I've been sober ever since. 427 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,800 So I came back to AAA and, you know, 428 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,200 I still did everything half measure, 429 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,640 but I was given a gift on September 9th. 430 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,880 I think my higher power knew I was gonna have 431 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,000 a hard enough time dealing with all the other stuff 432 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,120 in AA, the spiritual program, the principles, 433 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:24,280 and all that stuff. 434 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,160 He said, "We gotta take the money 435 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,520 to drink away from this guy." 436 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,240 And since September 9th, 437 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,120 not that I haven't had a passing thought 438 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,800 of drinking and using, 439 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,640 but I've never been hit with the obsession. 440 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,960 And again, that's a gift from God and that's a blessing. 441 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,160 But what the curse is, I can't give that away to him. 442 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,760 I can't give that to someone with a conversation. 443 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:44,360 I can't give that away to someone 444 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,360 by smacking them in the head or doing anything like that. 445 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,480 And there's so many people that I've been sober long enough 446 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,520 that I know struggle with this and they don't have that. 447 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:54,640 And I can't give that. 448 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:58,520 And it breaks my heart because I've watched more people 449 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,800 than I care to remember die from this disease, 450 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,200 whether it's through the actual physical drinking 451 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,800 and using or taking their own life. 452 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:11,120 So I ended up getting a job as a tour manager for a band 453 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:11,960 and it was great. 454 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,360 I traveled all over the US, traveled to Europe. 455 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:15,200 It was a great thing. 456 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,520 But after a year of that, 457 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,360 I realized that babysitting grown men 458 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,640 is not for a guy with my kind of mentality, 459 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:23,720 because I've just been, 460 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,600 "Okay, we gotta leave at 6.30 out of the hotel, be there. 461 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,640 Am I gonna go chase down a 30 year old man 462 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,280 to tell him to get in the car so we can go somewhere?" 463 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,120 So I was out of work and I was living right over here 464 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,680 by Jesse almost parking. 465 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,320 I was sharing a house with two other alcoholics 466 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,480 and one of the guys that worked there was like, 467 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:42,480 "Hey man, there was a meeting. 468 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,000 It was right over on Louise or Sherman Way. 469 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,000 Why don't we go there?" 470 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,160 So I went there and I went to a Sunday night meeting 471 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,400 and I remember Alex was there, Mariana was there, 472 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,960 Bill was there, Noel was there and a bunch of other people. 473 00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:00,080 And I kind of hung out on the fridges of life and sex. 474 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:04,480 And thank God I did because I didn't know it 475 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,960 in a short amount of time. 476 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,360 I was gonna have to go through something 477 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,640 that I was gonna meet every one of those people 478 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:10,640 that were there. 479 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:14,640 So like I said, I kind of just hung out on the fringes. 480 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:18,280 Linda S's son, Eddie, I actually was working with 481 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,080 and he introduced me to Michael Smith 482 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,680 and we got along, but he was like, 483 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:23,720 "Hey, you got a sponsor?" 484 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,120 "Yeah, no, I don't need one, I'm good." 485 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,880 You just stuff like that and he always used to say, 486 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:31,120 "I was the first guy, I was out of that meeting hall 487 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:32,840 before the Lord's Prayer." 488 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,120 And that's how it was. 489 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,880 And finally, after being there and seeing the beauty 490 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,120 of what a group of people working together 491 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,160 for a common goal can bring, 492 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,960 I became open-minded and I asked Michael to be my sponsor 493 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:50,960 and he reluctantly said yes and we had a lot of good times 494 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,880 'cause that was a tough case. 495 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:55,160 'Cause my favorite thing was saying 496 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,000 when he would say something to me was, 497 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,000 "Well, in theory, Michael," 498 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,280 'cause I was an intelligent guy 499 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,080 that barely graduated high school. 500 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,640 And he would tell me, "Theories don't mean anything. 501 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,240 It's what your actions that you take." 502 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,760 And in 2008, I went through 2005, 503 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,240 I had a really just a bad week. 504 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,000 My uncle, one of my uncles was a Mons senior. 505 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,480 He joined the seminary when he was 11 years old 506 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,280 and he had retired and he had a stroke. 507 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,480 And he ended up passing away in Florida. 508 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,880 My mom went back for his funeral. 509 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,480 She passed away in the same bed the morning of his funeral. 510 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,640 And that same day, a guy, Marcel, 511 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,200 that I had gotten sober with died 512 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,880 in an unfortunate forklift accident. 513 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,720 So that was tough, but what it had done, 514 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,720 it had kinda, I don't wanna say hardened me to death, 515 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,520 but I realized it was part of life. 516 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,680 And circumstances are circumstances I can't control 517 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,080 when someone's gonna live or someone's gonna die. 518 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,640 And in 2008, I went through something 519 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,800 that I never thought would ever happen. 520 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,160 My niece, Jennifer, had a daughter named Mia 521 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,040 and she was what the Irish like to call an old soul. 522 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,240 She was three years old going on 30. 523 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,480 And through some circumstances, 524 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,200 I don't know how she had contracted leukemia. 525 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,000 And she brought more happiness and joy to our family 526 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,040 than I ever did. 527 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:14,440 And it was tough. 528 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,480 And I'll never forget, she was in Mattel Hospital at UCLA 529 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,520 waiting for a bone marrow transplant. 530 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,640 They finally had gotten a match. 531 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,440 And she was literally in that hospital for almost a year 532 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:27,960 or for about eight months. 533 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,240 And they found a match and she was able to come home. 534 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,360 Think of like a little lady. 535 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,280 She was able to come home. 536 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,920 And it was a Sunday night when my sister's for dinner 537 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:38,760 and she was there. 538 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,080 And she was sitting next to me watching baseball. 539 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,760 And that was a Sunday night. 540 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,160 She died on Thursday. 541 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,400 And the thing that hurts the most 542 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,600 is I remember being there when she died. 543 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,240 And I remember going up to her to look at the, 544 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,120 it's permanently actually in my mind, 545 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,240 whatever I think about her, that's what I see. 546 00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,280 Is the look of confusion on her face 547 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,880 because you can tell a grown person you have leukemia 548 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:01,720 and you're gonna die. 549 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,440 You can't explain that to a three-year-old. 550 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:07,880 And the look of confusion, all she knew is it hurt. 551 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,360 And like I said, she packed away on a Thursday 552 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,920 and thank God for all the people at Life's in Session. 553 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,200 They carried me through that. 554 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,280 And there was, every year they have a walkover 555 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:22,280 at Warner Park, Warner Center Park for leukemia victims. 556 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:26,080 And a couple of people from LIS went there with me 557 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:27,920 and it really meant a lot. 558 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,080 I became an active member of that group. 559 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,880 I started, I was a secretary of the Saturday night meeting. 560 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,720 I had commitments and I did all that. 561 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:39,400 But then as for my MO, I took my will back. 562 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,920 And things didn't learn as important 563 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,440 as far as doing the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 564 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:47,300 I had to, I was co-owner of my own business. 565 00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:50,120 I was making good money and I just pulled away. 566 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,640 And after about three months of dealing with my business 567 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,240 partner, I just walked away from the company that I started 568 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,640 and I moved out to Santa Clarita and I didn't, 569 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:03,640 I could say from probably 2015 till about August 570 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,520 or June of this year, I maybe went to three meetings. 571 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,760 That's not something that I would tell anyone to do. 572 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:14,960 But what that did for me was, is that I always use the fact 573 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,360 that I was an alcoholic to justify me doing shitty things. 574 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:20,400 And I could just say, "Well, I'm an alcoholic. 575 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:21,280 "This is what I do." 576 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:25,940 But what that allowed me to do is to not focus so much 577 00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:27,680 on the fact that I was an alcoholic, 578 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,940 but to focus on the fact that I was a human being 579 00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:31,640 that needed to change the way he did. 580 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,480 And that happened. 581 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,760 And once again, I was given another opportunity 582 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,880 to make a lot of money and be successful and all that. 583 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,440 And me and my big mouth ruined that. 584 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,880 And in 2020, right before the pandemic, I was out of work 585 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:49,000 and a sister of mine's friend worked 586 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,480 at an employment agency and he got me a job 587 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,640 working in a machine shop. 588 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,080 The only thing I could do with my hands is loose fingers. 589 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,640 I'm not the guy you want working 590 00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,320 with a four-foot bandsaw cutting them. 591 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,600 And right then the pandemic hit, I'm like, 592 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,360 "Once again, here we go again." 593 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,960 But we were a critical work need. 594 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,600 So I went from working eight hours a day 595 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,160 to 12 hours a day for a year and a half. 596 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,960 If you would've told me that I was gonna be the happiest 597 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,920 I'd ever been doing that job, I would've said you were crazy. 598 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,920 And in January of last year, 599 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,040 I started getting some dental work done 600 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,600 and I noticed every time I came back from the dentist, 601 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:27,440 there was a problem. 602 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,240 I was getting really short of breath 603 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,000 and finally went through a situation 604 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,600 where I didn't sleep for three days 605 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,200 'cause every time I fell asleep, 606 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,480 I would wake up feeling like I drowned, 607 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,120 like I was drowning in my sleep. 608 00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:39,260 And I'm a knucklehead, man. 609 00:24:39,260 --> 00:24:41,560 I played that out for another month and a half 610 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:46,280 till I finally took myself to the Tarzana emergency room. 611 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:47,120 And they're like, 612 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:49,880 "Do you know all your heart valves are defective?" 613 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:50,720 I said, "No." 614 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:54,680 And they said that if I wouldn't have come in at that time, 615 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:55,680 there was a real good chance 616 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,200 that somewhere in the next three or four 617 00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:00,320 'cause I would've went to sleep and never would've. 618 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,800 And they told me I had to have open-heart surgery 619 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,760 and have all my heart valves replaced. 620 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,520 I was like, I wasn't, I was still like, 621 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:09,640 "I wanna do this." 622 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,040 Believe me, I'm like, they put a pacemaker in 623 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,000 a couple of years ago. 624 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,320 I'm like, "That's not gonna solve it." 625 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,360 They're like, "No, you're not listening to us. 626 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:19,000 If you don't have this surgery, you are gonna die." 627 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:19,840 So I said, "Okay." 628 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,320 And I went to Cedars-Sinai Hospital 629 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,720 and they told me before I went in for the surgery 630 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,440 that when there's always a chance 631 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:30,240 that I'm gonna come out of the drugs that they give me 632 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,480 either during the surgery or right after. 633 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,080 And right after, they put in a thing 634 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,720 that's called a breathing tube. 635 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,200 They should call it a not breathing tube 636 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,160 because it's a little tube like this big 637 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:42,640 that they put down in the throat 638 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,000 and that's how you breathe. 639 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,840 And I came out of it and I just panicked 640 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,600 'cause you can't, you can breathe, 641 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,200 but it doesn't seem like you are. 642 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,560 And they had two guys by the edge of my bed 643 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,640 and I'm reaching, trying to grab it. 644 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:59,080 They grab my arms, I get low, get away. 645 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:00,520 I punch one guy in the face. 646 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,960 Finally, they had to shackle me down, everything. 647 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,880 And it seemed like it was four or five times 648 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:05,880 that this kept happening. 649 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,680 And finally, not to sound gross, 650 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,080 what had happened is I threw up and there was nowhere 651 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:10,920 for it to go. 652 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:12,760 I was going out like Jimi Hendrix. 653 00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:14,880 I was choking on my own vomit. 654 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:17,560 And I just laid there and I said, you know what? 655 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:18,400 This is it. 656 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:19,240 This is how I'm gonna go. 657 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:23,000 And a piece fell over me that I had never felt before. 658 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000 And I passed out and I don't know how long it was after that. 659 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,120 I woke up in the tube and it's been a tough recovery, 660 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,160 but the best thing that came out of that 661 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,800 is I had nothing but time on my hands after that. 662 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,320 After a couple of weeks of being out of the hospital, 663 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:38,560 I was able to move around. 664 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,400 And you know what, like I said, 665 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,960 the best thing that came out of that is I just decided 666 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,120 I should go back to start going to meet again. 667 00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:47,640 And that's the second best decision I've ever made. 668 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:51,520 I'm a different person, not necessarily because of, 669 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:53,280 you know, the problems with my heart, 670 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,240 but I'm a different person more. 671 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,240 And again, I don't like saying this 672 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:58,960 'cause I don't want to condone it for everyone. 673 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,040 I was a different person when I took that time away from A.H. 674 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,520 to focus on who I was as a human being, you know? 675 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:08,560 And I have, my niece has had three more children since then. 676 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,600 I have a nephew that has another four. 677 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:16,320 And my nieces was remarried and he has another six. 678 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:19,960 So now I have basically like 14 grand nephews and grand nieces. 679 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,960 The two youngest ones are Bella and Layla. 680 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,320 And everything I was ever chasing with drugs and alcohol, 681 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:29,560 those feelings I get now when I get over and see those kids. 682 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:32,320 They like, my nephews, I was close with my nephews 683 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:33,520 and I was close with my niece, 684 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,640 but I didn't grow up in a family where we, you know, 685 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:39,120 you showed emotion, you told people you love them, 686 00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:39,960 you didn't do that. 687 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,480 And those two little girls, 688 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,480 when I walk in the door, they come running 689 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,680 and it's just such a fabulous feeling. 690 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,240 I wish I could get another feeling 691 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:49,760 that unfortunately I can't give away. 692 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:52,000 People that are parents, you know that feeling. 693 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,200 I don't have any kids, so I don't know it. 694 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,000 So I live it through them. 695 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,600 That keeps me going every day. 696 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,160 I moved literally five minutes away from them. 697 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,200 So I go over there every chance I get, my niece gives me 698 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:05,760 keys to my house. 699 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:07,680 My sister gives me keys to her house. 700 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,760 That's stuff they didn't do in the past, rightfully so. 701 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:12,920 So, you know, I am so interred. 702 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:16,520 Grateful is like an understatement of how I am nowadays 703 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:19,560 for, you know, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, 704 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:23,000 the people in it and for my family and for my friends, 705 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,120 I keep it going every day. 706 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:25,560 Thanks for letting me share.