1
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 My name is John and I'm an alcoholic, and my third parent.

2
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 Thank you for asking me that.

3
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 You're very welcome.

4
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 My sobriety date is May 23rd, 1987.

5
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 I do have a sponsor and my home group is the Demeter and I'm not sure what I'm exactly

6
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 going to say to you.

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 You know, when I was younger, I guess drinking, I don't want to be careful because I liked

8
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 it and I can romance somebody right out the door, so I don't want to do that, but when

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 I was younger, I'm the youngest of five brothers and sisters and everybody frankly knew this

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 channel.

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 I used to think, you know how you like to have a cat and blow it in the pot or something

12
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 or just put liquor in the bowl and they lick it or a dog and then they stumble around.

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 I thought my brothers and sisters, you're doing that to me, watch the little brother

14
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 stumble around.

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 My brother, who's pretty up there, he actually told me he did it so that I wouldn't tell

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 on him to my mom, but it was just normal.

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 It's just a normal life.

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 I didn't think there was anything.

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 I think I was in fourth grade when I started kind of going off and doing things on my own

20
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 with my friends.

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 It wasn't my brothers and sisters.

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 And I liked it.

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 You know, I started surfing, getting into the lifestyle and partying, like I said, like

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 everything about it.

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 I liked waking up in strange places and like the crazy things behind it.

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 The next morning people coming up to me and say, Oh my God.

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 And at the AIM, near the end, my friends actually started telling me, Hey, well, I think you're

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 getting a little out of control.

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 You know?

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 And I was just like, what are you talking about?

31
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 Everything's fine.

32
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 You know?

33
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 And what really changed everything was my friends were really open to their parents

34
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 about what they were doing.

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 Because I got sober when I was pretty young, I was 19 actually, and I was like 17ish.

36
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 So I wanted to do that.

37
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 I wanted to have a relationship like that.

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 So I went to my mom and I told her about all this partying stuff that I was doing.

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 And she started talking about putting me in a drug rehab, an alcohol program.

40
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 And I was just like, and that's what she did.

41
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 She put me in this outpatient program.

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 And I remember telling people, I don't, and it was funny, right before I went to go see

43
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 this drug counselor, my mom used to have wine coolers in the garage.

44
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 She says, as long as you're at home, you can drink them.

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 So we had all these relatives over.

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 And then when they left, we were going to go see this drug and alcohol counselor.

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 I'm like, I could sneak out my bedroom window, go in the back of the garage, grab two, four

48
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 packs and drink them really quick before we go.

49
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 So that's what I did.

50
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 And when I got in the garage and I picked them up, everybody came into the garage to

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 leave.

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 I got busted.

53
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 Red handed.

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 And they're like, what are you doing?

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 And I'm like rearranging the garage.

56
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 He shouldn't be over here.

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 And then I sat down and told this counselor, I don't have a drug and alcohol problem.

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 I'm just here to make my mom happy.

59
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 You know, it didn't occur to me that normal people don't try and get drunk before going

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 to see a counselor or anything.

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 That's that's not normal behavior.

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 And when I was in this outpatient program, I hooked up with all my surfer buddies and

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 we used to get drunk and stolen in the back of the room.

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 So I do know what it's like to be loaded in a meeting, which by the way, you don't actually

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 have to be sober to come.

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 You just have to have a desire to be sober.

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 And the counselor found out, cornered us, one of my friends confessed.

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 So I wound up in this inpatient program.

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 And one of the things that's interesting about an inpatient program is you hear about stuff

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 you never tried.

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 So when you go out, I experiment and I think that's how it gets progressive, too.

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 So in that inpatient program, too, which like when if you're newly sober, I think it's a

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 good idea.

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 It doesn't say it anywhere, but you should stay away from the opposite sex for a year.

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 Doesn't say it anywhere.

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 But in that first drug rehab, my puppy love, she crushed me and I left that display and

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 I my drinking and using took on a whole it was a whole new ballgame because I didn't

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 want to feel sad anymore.

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 And that was my whole goal was not feeling sad.

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 And that's when I started staying up to three weeks.

81
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 I mean, the times I would get sober, like, but when I was using her on a run, I was good.

82
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 And that was just funny, like homeless, no money in my pocket, starving.

83
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 Life was good.

84
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 Or I'm sober.

85
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 I have a roof over my full stomach like, you know, and, you know, I used to think that

86
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 is to the time they got sober, you know, stole this motorcycle in structure are a big part

87
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 of my story, too.

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 I stole this motorcycle and I was getting paid for it.

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 And I did this a bunch of like a speedball 86 heroin with crystal meth in it.

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 So it gets you like right to the edge.

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 And I guess it all started out.

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 I was staring at this at this dealer's house, he had this hand drawing of this innocent

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 kitten.

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 And I was mesmerized by this teacher, pretty kidney and then all of a sudden it turned

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 to this full hood of a cobra with things and he's evil looking for dogs.

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 I was like, and I left and he started seeing these wizards and warlocks and people and

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 just like hell just opened up and I was just like, Whoa.

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 So I went to this church to try and figure out what was going on.

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 Right.

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 And it was on April 1, 1987, when I'm in this church and I was born again and do they trade

101
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 over me?

102
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 And I'm gonna like turn into devils and go scare April Fools.

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 And the minister said some prayer and he goes, he said, Go talk to your mother and come back.

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 So when I was walking to go see my mother, I thought it was Christ.

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 I mean, back in the time I saw these people.

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 It was because I wasn't sleeping.

107
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 I was drinking and doing a lot of drugs.

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 I think that's why I was seeing all these.

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 Yeah.

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 When I look into that respect.

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 But I didn't know when I talked to my mom, I went in the house and I told her about these

112
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 visions that I was seeing.

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 So I went into this, this, this, when I got back to the church, they sent me to this monastery.

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 So you're there for like six months and then another place for six months and you can become

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 a minister.

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 So when I was in there now, this is why you really want to have a sponsor.

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 You don't want to try and research things on your own.

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 And I was trying to figure out why I was seeing these visions.

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 So this was my thinking it was so Jesus was born from the seed of David, which my dad's

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 name was David.

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 He was raised by Joseph.

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 My stepdad's name is Joseph, and I thought my mom's first name was Mary, but her middle

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 name was Jane was Mary Jane.

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 It's not that now I know now.

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 So I'm sitting there telling everybody in there, I'm Jesus, you're like, no, no, I'm

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 like, yes I am.

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 No, you're not.

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 And it was leading up to Easter this time.

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 And my good friend who was in there.

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 So up to this point, the only religious background I have is Jesus Christ Superstar and in Jesus

131
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 Christ Superstar, Judas is black.

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 All my best friend in this monastery was black and the week before Easter, he'd laugh.

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 So I thought he was going to turn me in and that's where I started getting my visions

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 of the crucifixion being put up on the cross with nails in my hand and stabbed.

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 And I was just like, hell no, if I have all this power, I'm not going that easy.

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 And I took off and I went and got drunk and I was about to get a fix.

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 And one of my friends goes, John, you look good.

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 What are you doing?

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 So when I went in the monastery, I weighed 110 pounds to about 140 and I just got scared

140
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 and I took off and I ran.

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 So this is in Acadia.

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 I ran to Oceansire, I got a bus down to and got in to Skid Row or to LA, the bus station

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 down there.

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 And I called my mom.

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 You know, at the time my mom was not speaking with my dad.

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 And when I called my mom, she's like, John, why'd you leave the monastery?

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 And it was the first time I didn't have a reason why I was drunk.

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 I had no clue.

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 And I told her, I don't know, but I know I need help and I need dad's phone number.

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 And she clicked over.

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 She happened to be talking to my sister on the other line who lives in LA.

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 And she clicked back and gave me my dad's phone number and because my dad was sober

153
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 at the time for about two years and I called him up and he picked me up from the bus station

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 on Memorial weekend, 1987 on a Saturday, he took me for an ocean swim Sunday morning and

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 took me to the Cedars Sunday Honors meeting and I've been sober ever since.

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 Now it hasn't been pretty, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you about a lot of

157
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 mistakes I had.

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 There's a lot of misnomers in AA that you hear.

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 So like my first two years, nobody wants my first three, but my first two, I hallucinated.

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 I had flashbacks.

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 I'd be talking to people and the flesh would disappear.

162
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 I'd be like, go with it.

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 You know, cause that's what you do.

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 Go with it.

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 You don't bite it.

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 And I couldn't imagine people being happy.

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 And at meetings back then you could smoke and I went to the Valley Club over here.

168
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 So I need to know if it's still here, I think it was on temple or something.

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 And they hung out by the coffee machine and they smoked.

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 So my brilliance, like, you know, I'm like, they're spiking the coffee.

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 So I didn't drink coffee for the first two years of my sobriety at a meeting.

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 And my biggest fear was that somebody was going to come up, Hey, John, you're doing

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 really good.

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 Now you just drink and keep doing what you're doing and you got it covered.

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 And that's what was going on in my head.

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 And I was, I was like, like I said, I was pretty wack, that's the way I can describe

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 it.

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 But the only person that was, I believe was sober was my dad.

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 So I just hung out with my dad a lot and we became really good friends.

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 And later on, he would do things that dads would do, you know, I'd get pissed off and

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 I forget.

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 Oh, yeah, he's my dad.

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 That's what they do.

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 But some of the things like I've sat in meetings and I had the meetings on the steps on the

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 wall.

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 And like the first step I thought I read my life is unmanageable because drugs and alcohol.

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 So I just took drugs and alcohol and tried to manage well, get a career, get a job, blah,

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 blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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 And then the second step come to believe, I'm like, I got time to get going.

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 And it was funny, I kept hearing this word sponsor.

191
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 So in the, the other thing I, well, yeah, I kept hearing this thing sponsor Troy in

192
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 the Valley Club in this, I went up to this guy after the meeting, I'm like, Hey, what's

193
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 this feature thing?

194
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 What is this thing I'm hearing?

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 He goes, Hey, you know, when you were younger and somebody stood outside of a liquor store

196
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 and they asked somebody to buy him liquor and they went in and got the liquor for him

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 and came out.

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 I go, yeah.

199
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 He goes, so you learn that from somebody?

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 I go, yeah.

201
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,180
 He goes, well, it's the same thing in here.

202
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 They're going to teach you how to stay sober, take you to the steps.

203
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 I'm like, great.

204
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,300
 How do you get one?

205
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:04,440
 And he said, pick someone that you don't like, that you can't stand because there'll be more

206
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,580
 likely to be like you.

207
00:10:05,580 --> 00:10:06,580
 I said, great.

208
00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:07,580
 Will you be my sponsor?

209
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 And he cussed me out and stormed out and I tried for three years.

210
00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:17,380
 I couldn't go up to somebody, especially after me, I couldn't go up to somebody that I didn't

211
00:10:17,380 --> 00:10:18,380
 like.

212
00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:22,140
 And I used to, when I was newly sober, I had a hard time sleeping at night.

213
00:10:22,140 --> 00:10:26,080
 So the other thing that I was doing backwards is my brilliant thinking.

214
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 I wanted to do triathlon.

215
00:10:28,020 --> 00:10:34,240
 So I would run 10 miles a day, ride my bike 60 to 120 pushups, 120 sit ups and swim two

216
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 miles and then go work at a McDonald's so that I can go home and go to sleep at night.

217
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 And cause I used to think my brain was out to kill my body and had a lot of practice.

218
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 So if I physically exhausted myself, my brain wouldn't think and I would feel spiritual.

219
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 And I looked and I had a six pack.

220
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:50,960
 It's still there.

221
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,780
 It's just in the fridge.

222
00:10:52,780 --> 00:10:57,820
 And so that's what I was doing my first three years, you know, it was mostly just a stronger

223
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 desire not to drink versus drink.

224
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 I have no clue why I stayed sober those, especially those first few years.

225
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:10,100
 And then I think one of the hardest things to do in AA is to ask somebody to sponsor

226
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:11,100
 you.

227
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:16,840
 And I heard I was talking to this gentleman, it was actually by then I was kind of in Brentwood.

228
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 There's a couple of men's meeting up over in Brentwood.

229
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 And this guy said, Oh, no, you pick somebody you like what they have, you know, and this

230
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 one guy, Ed Monahan, I think was his name, he had a wife, couple kids, you know, that's

231
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:37,340
 what I will, you know, and he sat outside this men's stand meeting for 45 minutes talking

232
00:11:37,340 --> 00:11:41,180
 to him until finally I got enough courage to ask him to sponsor me.

233
00:11:41,180 --> 00:11:44,820
 He's like, dude, why didn't you ask me 45 minutes ago, I knew you were going to ask.

234
00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:46,420
 And he took me through the steps.

235
00:11:46,420 --> 00:11:47,860
 Why didn't you, sir?

236
00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:51,860
 The other thing that I was, I was, I was doing it when I was in the meetings right before

237
00:11:51,860 --> 00:11:52,860
 I got my sponsor.

238
00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:55,620
 Step 11, it's like prayer and meditation.

239
00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:58,020
 I thought that's how we get stuff.

240
00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:00,580
 So when I wasn't getting stuff, I was pregnant.

241
00:12:00,580 --> 00:12:04,260
 And I tried this St. Jude prayers and paper.

242
00:12:04,260 --> 00:12:07,060
 If you say it nine days in a row, you get what you want.

243
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:11,460
 And I never got what I wanted and I heard somebody at a meeting tell me that he was

244
00:12:11,460 --> 00:12:12,460
 doing the same thing.

245
00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:16,620
 So what he did is he woke up in the morning, he rolled out of bed and he got on his knees

246
00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:17,620
 and he said, whatever.

247
00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:21,140
 I mean, whatever happened during the day, he just said, whatever, anything happened

248
00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:22,140
 during the day, whatever.

249
00:12:22,140 --> 00:12:24,180
 And then at night before he went to sleep, he said enough's enough.

250
00:12:24,180 --> 00:12:27,380
 He got on his knees and said enough's enough, rolled over and went to sleep, just started

251
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:28,380
 doing that.

252
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:29,660
 And life started to get better.

253
00:12:29,660 --> 00:12:31,380
 I got my sponsor.

254
00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:34,700
 We kind of went through the steps again, he asked me like, what makes you, what makes

255
00:12:34,700 --> 00:12:35,700
 you think you're an alcoholic?

256
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:37,300
 And I'm like, Oh yeah, I was homeless.

257
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:38,300
 I never had money in my pocket.

258
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,300
 I was in and out of jail.

259
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,300
 Okay.

260
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:41,300
 Do you believe in God?

261
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:42,300
 Yeah.

262
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,300
 Okay.

263
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,940
 And he told me to start writing and I had a hard time just starting to write.

264
00:12:45,940 --> 00:12:50,060
 And when I read, when I finally did my fourth step and I read my fifth step to him, I had

265
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,460
 this feeling like, Oh my God, I can't believe it.

266
00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:56,180
 And it's because it was just who I was mad at and why I was mad at, you know, it wasn't

267
00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:57,460
 too thorough, but you know what?

268
00:12:57,460 --> 00:12:59,020
 Life did get better, you know?

269
00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:03,780
 So around that time, my sponsor started having an affair with behind his wife.

270
00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:06,860
 I wouldn't need to lie to her for, to his wife about it.

271
00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:11,220
 And I'm like, Oh my God, listen, I kind of stopped having him as a sponsor and started

272
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:15,620
 going to studio 12 and there was a big book workshop there.

273
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:19,460
 And again, it wasn't, so I was listening to these Joe and Charlie tapes.

274
00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:23,640
 I was trying to do this book study and it wasn't too thorough.

275
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,140
 And in the fourth step, they have you do the first column, second column, third column,

276
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,140
 fourth column.

277
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:31,060
 And when I got to the fourth column, I was like, they cause more harm than me.

278
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:36,460
 And I stopped it and when you stop in the fourth, wherever you're in the fourth column

279
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:41,900
 or the fourth step, you actually stay in touch with anger until anybody's in a four step.

280
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:45,820
 I would highly recommend a push to get to the other side of it.

281
00:13:45,820 --> 00:13:48,820
 You don't want whatever's going to become in the four step.

282
00:13:48,820 --> 00:13:52,420
 You just get in touch with anger, which is important, but you don't want to stay there.

283
00:13:52,420 --> 00:13:59,140
 And and during that time my program mostly was martial arts and my first sponsor, he

284
00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:03,780
 took me, he had a, he taught martial arts and I went to one of his classes and I punched

285
00:14:03,780 --> 00:14:04,780
 this punching bag.

286
00:14:04,780 --> 00:14:08,020
 I'm like, Oh my God, this is the best.

287
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:12,860
 You know, you just get away on this punching bag and it takes care of all your anger.

288
00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:17,180
 My knuckles were all, first night they were all black and blue, but man did it feel good.

289
00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:21,740
 So kind of martial arts kind of became my program and I started, I learned about meditation.

290
00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:26,960
 And one of the things I thought was cool about meditation is you can stay calm and centered

291
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,240
 while you screw someone over.

292
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,240
 Completely sober too.

293
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,900
 Do you believe that?

294
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,900
 And so this is, this is what I was doing.

295
00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:38,180
 I was training like five, seven days a week in the morning before work afterwards and

296
00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:41,460
 then kind of going to the studio 12 out in the valley.

297
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:49,140
 And then I wound up in this workshop and in 1998, 97, 98, something like that.

298
00:14:49,140 --> 00:14:53,060
 And this gentleman, I ended up asking him to be my sponsor and I asked him to be my

299
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:57,220
 sponsor not who he was or anything at the time I didn't know who he was, but I just

300
00:14:57,220 --> 00:14:58,500
 believed in what he said.

301
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:02,460
 So in this workshop, one of the things that my sensei told me was when he was teaching

302
00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:07,020
 us meditation was when there's somebody teaching you about meditation, you have to be careful.

303
00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:10,380
 If they say you're going to do this, this and this, this is going to happen.

304
00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:13,140
 That's probably going to be happened, but you don't know if that's a true feeling.

305
00:15:13,140 --> 00:15:16,320
 The ones you want to pay attention to are the ones that are going to show you the mechanics

306
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,320
 of something.

307
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,260
 And if you practice it, you'll have questions.

308
00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:24,580
 And so he taught us this meditation and one of the first nights in this workshop, somebody

309
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:28,700
 asked this gentleman how to do meditation and he went through the exact same mechanics

310
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:29,940
 that my sensei said.

311
00:15:29,940 --> 00:15:32,740
 So I knew he was going to just show me the mechanics of something.

312
00:15:32,740 --> 00:15:37,340
 And one of the things that he asked me is what makes you think you're an alcoholic?

313
00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:41,860
 And I'm like homeless, in and out of jail, never had money in my pocket.

314
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:44,580
 And he goes, no, that doesn't make you an alcoholic.

315
00:15:44,580 --> 00:15:45,980
 You might not be an alcoholic.

316
00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:46,980
 I'm like, what?

317
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:48,660
 What have I been doing for the last 11 years?

318
00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:50,460
 What are you talking about?

319
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:55,940
 And he actually explained to me and like the other thing is, is in one of the first drug

320
00:15:55,940 --> 00:16:00,100
 rehabs I was in, they told me that surfers couldn't stay sober because I surfed.

321
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:05,620
 And when I got sober, I stopped surfing and every time I try and go surfing, I was scared

322
00:16:05,620 --> 00:16:07,440
 of getting in the lifestyle of a surfer.

323
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,620
 So I thought one of the problems was I surfed.

324
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:14,340
 And when he finally explained to me what makes somebody an alcoholic, he told me about there's

325
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:16,240
 a physical craving of alcohol.

326
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,620
 So like the first step, it says powerless over alcohol.

327
00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:23,380
 What makes you powerless is, and he explained to me was you have an allergy.

328
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:28,940
 That means when you put a substance in your body, it's beyond your mental control to control

329
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:30,340
 the amount you take.

330
00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:32,780
 And he made me try and come up with a couple of examples.

331
00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:38,460
 One of them was I was sober for a while and I was working for my stepdad in his little

332
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,460
 company.

333
00:16:39,460 --> 00:16:42,540
 I was working at a 7-Eleven and I was about to go to school to learn to do drafting on

334
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:44,280
 a computer setup.

335
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:49,780
 In a week, I was supposed to go to this school and my mom said, John, you're doing good.

336
00:16:49,780 --> 00:16:50,780
 Go have some fun.

337
00:16:50,780 --> 00:16:54,500
 So I went to a burning spear concert in San Diego at the Del Mar racetrack.

338
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:57,180
 And I remember thinking I'm going to have two beers at this concert.

339
00:16:57,180 --> 00:17:01,140
 And I had two beers and a week went by and I'm still not sure what happened during that

340
00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:02,140
 week.

341
00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:04,700
 But I know at the end of the week, I moved out of my parents' house.

342
00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:07,520
 I was in an apartment with a bunch of alcoholics and drug addicts.

343
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:12,660
 I didn't show up for school and inside my gut, there was like a blender and it just,

344
00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:15,740
 I knew it was just dead wrong what I was doing.

345
00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:18,740
 And my next step was let's make it a good one.

346
00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:22,420
 And that's what I do is I take it for all its worth.

347
00:17:22,420 --> 00:17:27,460
 And I feel like some of the guys I worked with, there was a gentleman who was looking

348
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:32,700
 at the physical craving and he said one time he had to go get some parts and he left his

349
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:36,380
 kids at this lady's house who was going to, he was doing work for him, but he was going

350
00:17:36,380 --> 00:17:39,300
 to get a little pint and then get the parts and they don't get his kid.

351
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:42,140
 But once he had the pint, he never showed up to his kid.

352
00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:46,340
 And I got to explain to him, it's not because you didn't love your kids.

353
00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:50,580
 That physical craving was stronger than your ability to get to your kid.

354
00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:52,640
 And so that's, that's crazy.

355
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:56,200
 And then he talked about this mental obsession when we decide not to drink, how do we change

356
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,200
 our mind?

357
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,200
 You know?

358
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,860
 And to me, I don't like the word obsession too much.

359
00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:03,740
 I like the word when it's on because I know what it's like when it's on.

360
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:04,740
 Okay.

361
00:18:04,740 --> 00:18:08,100
 Because when it's on, there's nothing going to get between me and getting drunk.

362
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:12,860
 You know, like when I first got sober, those first three years, I worked at a McDonald's.

363
00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:18,300
 I gave my dad all my paychecks so that I wouldn't have money because I knew when it's on, I

364
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:19,300
 was going to get loaded.

365
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:20,300
 I was going to go get drunk.

366
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:24,420
 I was just hoping that something was going to happen in between that was going to stop

367
00:18:24,420 --> 00:18:30,140
 me before, you know, and, and the scary thing is about this orange is you don't know where

368
00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:31,220
 this switch is.

369
00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:34,660
 It's not how far away from your last drink you are because you don't know how close the

370
00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:35,660
 next one is.

371
00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:37,220
 We don't know when that switch is going to flip.

372
00:18:37,220 --> 00:18:38,620
 You know, that's why we do this thing.

373
00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:40,700
 And then there's a dash mark.

374
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,080
 My life is unmanageable.

375
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,180
 That has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol.

376
00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:45,880
 That's life run on self will.

377
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,980
 Does it work or doesn't it?

378
00:18:47,980 --> 00:18:53,340
 And I think I just ran into a dead dream somewhere here.

379
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:58,900
 And I have no business doing, when I think back, drugs and alcohol was the answer for

380
00:18:58,900 --> 00:18:59,900
 my invan-manageability.

381
00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:00,900
 It worked.

382
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:03,600
 And there was a time I liked it and it worked.

383
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,500
 Can't say I was successful, but I liked it, you know?

384
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:07,500
 And that's gone.

385
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:09,340
 What are we going to do now?

386
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:13,740
 And when you really, really, really get step one, you'll feel doomed.

387
00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:17,940
 You know, you're going to drink again and that's what kind of helps you in step two.

388
00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:24,260
 That's when I came out of step two, by the time with this gentleman, I had this, he had

389
00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:27,580
 me write out what my ideal, he was like, okay, what do you believe in God?

390
00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:29,020
 I'm like, I'm out of step one.

391
00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:30,020
 Okay.

392
00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:31,020
 We're talking about something I'm familiar with.

393
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:34,260
 I've done meditation and things like that, I had to know God.

394
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:37,720
 And so this, he said, what's your concept of God?

395
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,220
 And I wrote this thing out.

396
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:44,820
 It's kind of like a Buddhist energy, kind of white light kind of thing.

397
00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:48,580
 And then he's, then after that, he's like, okay, what do you doubt about God?

398
00:19:48,580 --> 00:19:49,580
 I'm like, what?

399
00:19:49,580 --> 00:19:50,580
 What's your doubt about God?

400
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,660
 And then he was like, asking me like, what do you want from God?

401
00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:53,940
 What do you need from God?

402
00:19:53,940 --> 00:19:54,940
 You know?

403
00:19:54,940 --> 00:19:59,100
 And my doubt was, I doubted if it was possible to have a close relationship with God.

404
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:02,780
 And I wasn't sure if I wanted it, as religious people didn't seem like the most fun people

405
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:03,780
 in the world.

406
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:08,820
 But, so in step two, taking an honest look at what your doubt is, and one of the things

407
00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:13,980
 about two is when you take an honest and you state what your doubt is, God will either

408
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:17,340
 show you your right or God will show you that you're wrong.

409
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,940
 So far, I've always been proven wrong.

410
00:20:19,940 --> 00:20:26,240
 And so we were doing the third step and one of the things about the third step, because

411
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:31,980
 I was finishing the second step, I'm in this thing about God, and reading the third step,

412
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:37,140
 like totally giving yourself to God, surrendering yourself to God, and he asked me to rewrite

413
00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:41,420
 the third step prayer, not to come up with a better prayer, but to try and so I could

414
00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:47,100
 think about what I'm actually doing, you know, and, and I knew because my doubt that I couldn't,

415
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:51,780
 I couldn't go to God, because I doubted that I can have a close personal relationship.

416
00:20:51,780 --> 00:20:56,740
 And one of the things my sponsor also had me do while I was doing the third step is

417
00:20:56,740 --> 00:21:02,220
 he said, I want you to think of relationships, think of the opposite, like principal agent,

418
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:07,220
 there's things in the book, principal agent, father, child, and I want you to look up each

419
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:08,860
 the definitions of them.

420
00:21:08,860 --> 00:21:14,460
 And so I did and then he said, what I want you to do is I want you to find a relationship

421
00:21:14,460 --> 00:21:18,520
 when you're on your knees, that feels good, you know, so I was trying all these different

422
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:19,520
 things.

423
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:23,700
 And one of the things that I picked was a friend when I got on my knees, and I prayed

424
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:27,940
 to a friend, or I talked to a friend, because by then I had some good friendships.

425
00:21:27,940 --> 00:21:30,340
 And I couldn't really go with father, child.

426
00:21:30,340 --> 00:21:34,700
 But once I found that relationship, I was like a kid with a new toy, man.

427
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:39,220
 And I knew in the third step, making a decision to turn your will and your life over to God,

428
00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:44,140
 it wasn't necessarily saying the prayer, it's when I knew wholeheartedly that I would be

429
00:21:44,140 --> 00:21:46,900
 able to do it, that I can turn myself over.

430
00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:53,380
 And that changed my life, you know, and it helped me push through the finished form and

431
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:54,380
 the rest of the steps.

432
00:21:54,380 --> 00:21:58,020
 And then really quick, we have a few minutes left.

433
00:21:58,020 --> 00:22:01,740
 At the beginning when my sponsor sat down with me in the book, and it's not in the book,

434
00:22:01,740 --> 00:22:05,100
 but I don't know if anybody ever explained the circle and the triangle.

435
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:08,220
 So the triangle, it's like a roadmap for recovery.

436
00:22:08,220 --> 00:22:12,700
 On the bottom is recovery, you want to work the step, then you want to take other people

437
00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:16,460
 through the step, you always kind of want to stay in the steps working 10 and 11.

438
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:20,700
 So you're always kind of in the foundation service, you want to go to a meeting, you

439
00:22:20,700 --> 00:22:24,820
 want to have a commitment, you want to get a commitment, you know, and unity, you want

440
00:22:24,820 --> 00:22:28,000
 to go to coffee afterwards, you want to kind of go hang out.

441
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:32,420
 If you just do a little bit of each side of that triangle, that circle, you will start

442
00:22:32,420 --> 00:22:35,580
 to feel whole, you will have a fellowship that grows up around you.

443
00:22:35,580 --> 00:22:40,540
 If you're working with steps, you will have a design for living that works.

444
00:22:40,540 --> 00:22:43,060
 And I think I officially hit a dead brain cell.

445
00:22:43,060 --> 00:22:44,060
 Oh, one minute.

446
00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:46,180
 No, I don't think I got a minute.

447
00:22:46,180 --> 00:22:47,180
 Thanks for listening.

448
00:22:47,180 --> 00:22:50,980
 Hey, can you get my text?

449
00:22:50,980 --> 00:22:51,980
 Goodnight everybody.

450
00:22:51,980 --> 00:22:57,420
 Goodnight Nathan, I'll talk to you tomorrow, I'll talk to you next year, buddy.

451
00:22:57,420 --> 00:23:00,140
 Talk to you next year, hey?

452
00:23:00,140 --> 00:23:01,900
 Looking good, looking good.

453
00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:02,900
 See you later.

454
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:06,900
 Thank you, turn on the living room light.

455
00:23:06,900 --> 00:23:12,500
 Yes, sir, you have headphones on, I just realized.