1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,080 Hi, I'm Angela. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. Welcome. If you're new, welcome to Alcoholics 2 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:12,520 Anonymous. Thank you so much for asking me to participate in my sobriety and thank you 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:18,360 for your share. I wonder if we ran some of the same streets. My sobriety date is September 4 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:25,240 22nd, 1997. My sponsor's name is Lori L. and my home group is Principles Before Personalities 5 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:32,820 Book Study on Thursday night. All of that is really important for this alcoholic. I 6 00:00:32,820 --> 00:00:37,120 was thinking when you were talking, what it was like for me as I grew up in the San Fernando 7 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:45,040 Valley in Granada Hills. My father was a police officer and I was a cop's daughter. That was 8 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:51,640 hard for me. I'm the kind of girl that in school all the way through, I was smart, but 9 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:57,120 I didn't want to be smart. I always wanted to be cool before I wanted to be smart. I 10 00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:01,600 would leave honor classes and go into detention because I wanted to hang out with the guys 11 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:12,160 who had the spider tattoos on their wrists and the big down jackets and all that stuff. 12 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:18,740 I don't know that I ever sat and thought about anything that I did in my life really for 13 00:01:18,740 --> 00:01:24,680 a long time. Even in sobriety, all I knew was I pretty much lived by default. I take 14 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:30,520 a drink and then I don't know. I'm the kind of alcoholic who's not afraid to be an alcoholic 15 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:37,440 at all. In fact, I'm pretty arrogant about it. Going through school, I'm half Mexican 16 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:44,360 and half white and that was really difficult for me growing up. There were a lot of fights 17 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:48,980 going through junior high. I felt like there was always some sort of fight and I was the 18 00:01:48,980 --> 00:01:55,820 one in it. Going through those years of just being introduced to pot, back in the day when 19 00:01:55,820 --> 00:02:00,400 pot was like pot where you just smoke it and then you eat a lot of pop tarts, not now where 20 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:05,920 you smoke it and then you're psychotic. It's a little different, but I think going through 21 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:12,240 life, I just liked getting high. I just like drinking. I love everything about alcohol. 22 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:18,840 I like the glasses that were, I mean the glasses, the bottles that were behind. I love Mexico. 23 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:23,900 I always said from the time I got here, me and my best friend, we've been trudging the 24 00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:28,680 road together for almost 20, well, I have 25 and she's coming up on 25 years and I always, 25 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:32,520 we have a deal. If one of us is going to go out, we have to call the other because odds 26 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:37,400 are we probably won't both want to do it at the same time and I'm like Mexico or bust. 27 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:43,800 I like places. I love Vegas. I like a place that respects my alcoholism. You know, Vegas 28 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:49,760 respects my alcoholism. There's no shutting down. There's no last call. You just roll 29 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:54,600 and that's, that's how I like to, I like to drink and I like to use and I, and I'm pretty 30 00:02:54,600 --> 00:03:00,860 serious about it. I have a blast, but in my mind I'm serious about my alcoholism. You 31 00:03:00,860 --> 00:03:05,760 don't run out, you know, you make sure that you've got enough to get you between two, 32 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:12,440 two AM and six AM. Right. When there, when it's last call for me, it's, it's like a deployment, 33 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:17,440 you know, it's last call. And I send like six different people out to go get booze, 34 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:21,200 like go pick up, you know, go pick up a case and then we're all going to meet at, at, you 35 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:25,480 know, Tom's house or something. And then you figure you send out six and if three get lost 36 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,560 along the way, at least you get three back, you know, as soon as the, as soon as the booze 37 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:35,480 arrives, I start hiding it, you know, I hide it. I mean, I'm the girl who's hiding it behind 38 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,960 the cereal in someone's cupboard, whatever house I'm at in the lettuce drawer, you know, 39 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:45,880 I can't run out. I can't run out. And I wasn't an everyday drinker for a long time. I don't 40 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:51,080 think I was ever really an everyday drinker, but going back. So in my house, my father 41 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:56,120 was an alcoholic and I can say that cause he says he's an alcoholic now and he's actually 42 00:03:56,120 --> 00:04:01,540 in recovery and by the grace of God, the 12 steps and what you guys taught me, my father 43 00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:07,920 saw my, my life change as an example. But growing up in my house was, it was not fun. 44 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:12,200 He came home and he was tense from the streets, you know, he worked Rampart division for 20 45 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:16,880 years. He was tense from the street and he had four girls, you know, and, and, and our 46 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:21,500 house was like, it was just batten down. Like you could not get in that house. You could 47 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:26,040 not get out of that house. Everyone, you know, it was the days of, you know, the hillside 48 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:31,600 strangler. It was the days of Richard Ramirez, right? Serial killers were going on in the 49 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:37,480 San Fernando Valley. And, and I just remember just being so scared always yet my dad was 50 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,520 my hero and my father's not a big man. Like it's interesting when I look at him now, he's 51 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:46,860 like five, eight, but God, my father was just enormous to me. You know, he just was everything. 52 00:04:46,860 --> 00:04:51,640 And I was a daddy's girl. My mom left me when I was three years old. And in 1996, my mom 53 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:56,360 died on fourth and spring and she lived my life on Skid Row. And when I was three, my 54 00:04:56,360 --> 00:05:01,840 sister was an infant and, and my mom never came back to get us. And, and what I know 55 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:05,900 today is it wasn't that she never came back to get us. It was that she could never stop 56 00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:10,380 drinking and using. I'm sure she probably meant to come back and get us. And I don't 57 00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:15,000 know about you, but I always mean to do things when I'm drinking. I really do. Like I mean 58 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:21,200 to go to work, you know, I mean to pay you back. I mean to pay my bar tab. I mean to 59 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:26,920 register my car, you know, I mean to get insurance. And like, I'm always in the big book. It says, 60 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,680 we judge ourself by our intentions. The world judges us by our actions. And I'm the kind 61 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:35,800 of alcoholic who is always trying. I'm just trying to get it together. I'm just, I'm just 62 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:40,180 trying to get it together. And I grew up in a house where there was a lot of violence. 63 00:05:40,180 --> 00:05:45,700 And as a result, I came out a pretty violent girl and I didn't understand the difference. 64 00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:48,840 You know, I didn't understand because in my house, when you don't do what you're told 65 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:52,640 your head. So when I'm in a relationship with you and you don't do what it's, what you're 66 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:56,140 supposed to do, I just hate you. And that just made sense to me. You know, that was 67 00:05:56,140 --> 00:06:02,400 love for me. Love was chaos. Love was dramatic. Love was intense. You know, punk rock years, 68 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:06,320 you know, phases, Fabian's like there was always a nightclub and, and things were going, 69 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:10,520 I remember when I was 18 years old, you know, my father always said, young lady, you live 70 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:15,120 by my rules under my house, period. You know, I said, yes, sir, to my father, you know, 71 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:19,980 there was no that, that there was no, my dad knew where I was all the time. You know, when 72 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:23,940 my friends were, I was getting high in junior high, but when everybody was like popping 73 00:06:23,940 --> 00:06:28,440 the fence and going to do what they were doing, I would stay on the fence. Cause if I hop 74 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,800 that fence and I get caught, it's not going to go well at home. You know, I didn't want 75 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,680 to fight. I didn't want to be the girl who was fighting like earrings off fighting. You 76 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:41,040 know, I wasn't white enough to be white. I wasn't Mexican enough to be Mexican. It was, 77 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:45,680 it was just, there was a lot going on and I was always in love with somebody because, 78 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,860 you know, there's always someone that you're looking to, to make the part of you that doesn't 79 00:06:48,860 --> 00:06:53,340 feel enough, feel enough, you know? And that's what I was looking for all the time. And, 80 00:06:53,340 --> 00:06:57,120 and drinking and using just, it just became a thing. And in the eighties it was, it was 81 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:02,040 Pat Benatar, you know, it was, it was like we were wearing lingerie and fishnets and, 82 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:06,580 you know, and it was like, you know, cocaine's a big part of my story and I drink to use 83 00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:11,020 cocaine and I use cocaine to drink. And I think they just, for this, for me, they're 84 00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:16,300 just a beautiful combination. And I gave that combination, you know, a good decade plus 85 00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:22,640 in my life I used for 20 years. And, and I just, once I, once I had it in me, I just, 86 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,120 there was just something that happened to me that just felt so right. And in the big 87 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:31,180 book, it talks about that, right? Like I get the ease and the comfort from a drink. I get 88 00:07:31,180 --> 00:07:35,680 the, I get that, like, I know what it's like to feel like, I like the glistening of the 89 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:41,680 bar. I like dark dingy bars. I like bars that open at 6 AM. You know, I, I, when I was, 90 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:47,320 I married a guy when I was 18 years old. I was in a relationship with this one guy who 91 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:51,800 was a hairdresser. He was my first love. I loved him when I was in elementary school 92 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:57,040 and I used to go kick him in the shins every day, you know, and like run away. And, and 93 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,720 it's funny, he's my hairdresser today and he still has, he has like bumps in his legs 94 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:05,840 from when I'd kick him really hard. And, and then I'd run away. I wanted his attention. 95 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:11,440 And I met, I met my ex-husband, you know, and he was Irish and he had green eyes and 96 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:16,040 he was a skinhead and everybody was afraid of him and everybody wanted him and he wanted 97 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:21,840 me. And that was all, that was all a young girl like me needed at the time. You know, 98 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:25,080 I didn't know what I needed. I didn't know values. I didn't know beliefs. I didn't know 99 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:29,240 connection. I didn't know the things I know today. I didn't know what the inventory has 100 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:33,600 taught me. I didn't know what you guys have taught me. All I knew was that some everybody 101 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,760 wanted somebody and that somebody wanted me and that made me feel important. And when 102 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:42,640 I got here, I needed to feel important because I never felt enough. So I had to overshoot 103 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:47,000 the mark, right? It was like I was never enough or it was too much. It was just always such 104 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:51,280 an internal battle. And when I drank and I used, it's like, it didn't matter. Like none 105 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:55,700 of that stuff mattered and alcohol became my medicine and alcohol made the, made the 106 00:08:55,700 --> 00:09:00,240 playing field even. And I, and nowhere in my life has ever made the playing field even 107 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:04,960 until I came to you. Alcoholics anonymous makes the playing field even. We don't care 108 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:09,560 what you look like, where you came from, what's going on with you. We all are alcoholics and 109 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:14,760 we all have a same solution. And I understood camaraderie. You know, I joined the military 110 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:19,480 when I was 18 and a half. It seemed like a good idea at the time. You know, I was on 111 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:25,440 a vendor and there was a commercial on and you know, there were helicopters and you know, 112 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,800 there was stuff going on in the commercial and then there was this woman. And what I 113 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,600 realized now, like some, it's a different place for me today. It's like a tender place 114 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,960 when I think about it. But what it was at the time was, you know, there was this woman 115 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,560 and she was standing in front of the room and it looked like she was teaching and it 116 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:43,840 just, I just, I didn't know what that was, but it kind of looked like she just knew, 117 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,940 I don't know, like what she was doing, I guess maybe in the world. And then it just said, 118 00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:53,120 be all you can be. And I forever will say that be all you can be is probably one of 119 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:57,960 the biggest parts of my story. Because when I saw that there was a knowingness that I 120 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:02,400 didn't know what I didn't know, but I felt something that I knew I wasn't being all I 121 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,960 could be like, I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what I was here for in this 122 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:14,240 world. You know, I didn't, I had lofty dreams or whatever. I just knew that that hits something 123 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:18,920 in me. And, and I went down to the recruiting station, you know, like a week later and my 124 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:22,360 ex-husband who was my boyfriend at the time had been in the military and you know, he 125 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:26,880 was a ranger and there was a whole thing. So I went in the, I went in the army and I 126 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:32,380 joined in March and they had a delayed entry program. And I love, I mean, I'm an alcoholic. 127 00:10:32,380 --> 00:10:37,240 I love to make commitments that I don't have to do for a really long time, right? Because 128 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,960 then I feel like I'm making good choices, but I don't really have to show up for them. 129 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:45,580 I just get to like, feel like I'm making them. So I signed in March, but they didn't pick 130 00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:52,320 me up at 5 AM after a long, long night of using and drinking until November. So from 131 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:57,520 March to November, I had permission. I mean, I was about to serve the United States. So 132 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:02,740 I had permission from March to November to just get it on, right? Like just, I was already 133 00:11:02,740 --> 00:11:07,520 doing it and I just maxed it. I had three goodbye parties. I mean, it was just, you 134 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:11,960 know, let's go into the army, you know, it was just whatever we could do to drink and 135 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:16,640 use around me going to the army. We did it. You know, I hung with a really tight crew. 136 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:21,160 It's a crew that I, I actually still miss today. You know, a few of us, a couple of 137 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:28,640 us got sober. A few of us died and the rest of them can kind of enjoy their drinking. 138 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:33,960 I don't love the lives they live from the inside. You know, I like it. I'm not the kind 139 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:38,660 of person who wants to talk clean and live dirty. Like I want to, I want to live clean 140 00:11:38,660 --> 00:11:43,240 and talk clean. Like I want my insights to match my outsides today. I don't want to be 141 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:47,480 someone in the rooms who acts like I know what's going on. And then I'm, you know, I'm 142 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:53,400 doing stuff on the side. You know, I want, I want to do this thing. I want to do anything 143 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:59,080 with everything I am. That that's how I am. I, anything I do, I do it with all of me. 144 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:04,180 And so when I, when I got, so I go off in the military and I'm there for four years 145 00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:08,320 and I'm in South Carolina, you know, I go through basic training and that's just, I 146 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:16,120 can't, with the detox in basic training is so intense. I am so sick. I have made a horrible 147 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:23,840 mistake. You know, I was like, Oh, this, this is so not Demi Moore. You know, this is so 148 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:30,360 I'm scrubbing a tooth, a toilet with a toothbrush. I am nauseous. I am, I didn't know that I 149 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:36,520 was dependent on alcohol at this point. I am just, I am so lonely away from everything 150 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:41,100 that I know. Cause what I knew was the pod and we drink and we use and we do all nighters 151 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:45,260 for like three or four days. But you know, you know your people and I knew nobody and 152 00:12:45,260 --> 00:12:50,300 I was there and I was just, Oh, there was no way out. And, and it was the first time 153 00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:56,820 I ever understood real commitment, like real, no matter what, you know, with the exception 154 00:12:56,820 --> 00:13:01,980 of killing myself or getting pregnant or being insane. And you have to be super insane because 155 00:13:01,980 --> 00:13:05,560 they've invested in you. So you don't just get to like, have a bad day and they're like, 156 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:09,740 see you later. You know, you, you gotta really have lost your marbles to get out of government 157 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:14,360 once they own you. And I fought, you know, I just fought, I fought and I fought and fought. 158 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:18,860 That man I married, he beat me and I beat him. You know, I wore steel toe Doc Martens. 159 00:13:18,860 --> 00:13:23,500 You know, he was a punk rock skinhead who dove into, you know, mosh pits. And I was 160 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:28,280 the girlfriend who just, you know, he, he threw the first blow and then I was in, you 161 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:33,540 know, it was just, it was madness. It was like, they didn't Nancy natural born killers 162 00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:38,860 and true romance, you know, and, and from, for the alcoholic in me, it was heaven because 163 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:44,060 it was just so wrong. You know, everything was just so wrong and I didn't hit a bottom 164 00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:48,540 for a long time. Like I would have, I'd be hung over where it's like, Oh, I don't feel 165 00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:53,140 good. And you go get like a McDonald's cheeseburger, you know, you're like, Oh no bubbly stuff. 166 00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:57,340 And you kind of make it through the hangovers, but I didn't hit like a bottom for a long 167 00:13:57,340 --> 00:14:02,220 time because I was, I was rolling, you know, it was everything from limousines to Hollywood 168 00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:07,440 to dingy bars in the Valley to, so it was a lifestyle for me. We're at the beach all 169 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:13,700 day. We'd start partying at Malibu in at five, you know, we were, it was a thing. It, it, 170 00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:21,780 it owned me. My alcoholism just was me. Angela was an alcoholic, you know, living in untreated 171 00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:27,220 alcoholism. And on September 21st, 1997, I was taking a shower and I was getting ready 172 00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:31,360 to go out for the night and I wanted to go dancing. I love to dance. The truth was I 173 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:35,260 never really danced when I was drinking, but I thought it was going dancing. Right. But 174 00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:39,700 then I'd end up at the bar in the bathroom, you know, you know, cocaine in the bathroom, 175 00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:43,900 the bar, the bathroom, the bar, the bathroom, the bar, the bath. I mean, literally I'd spend 176 00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:48,260 more time in the bathroom stall than I did on the dance floor, you know, and, and I kind 177 00:14:48,260 --> 00:14:52,380 of prayed and I was just like, God, you know, the God of my understanding then, which was 178 00:14:52,380 --> 00:14:57,660 the one that my parents gave me, which was super confusing for me and really was contradictory 179 00:14:57,660 --> 00:15:05,020 to what I humanly felt about this existentialism that I think this human experiences, but nonetheless, 180 00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:08,380 they gave me this God and I, and I prayed to it and I just said, God, I just hope I 181 00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:12,400 can't find any drugs tonight. Like I was always negotiating. Like I'm just like, it says in 182 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,820 chapter three, right? Like we're going to move from brandy to wine. It was like, I'm 183 00:15:15,820 --> 00:15:19,100 just going to drink beer tonight or I'm not going to have Jagermeister. Like I shouldn't 184 00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:23,740 have Jagermeister, right? Like that's, that's bad. And I'm just gonna like, maybe that's 185 00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:28,900 wine, maybe some wine, you know? Cause I consider wine like, you know, like wine and, you know, 186 00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:33,160 I like a long Island iced tea. Like why wouldn't you more bang for your buck? It makes so much 187 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:37,260 sense to me, right? Like how many shots are in one glass for the same price of this? I 188 00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:41,220 mean, I don't understand why everybody doesn't do that. So, you know, it was just, and, and 189 00:15:41,220 --> 00:15:45,300 I prayed and something happened that night and I couldn't find what I wanted and I couldn't 190 00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:50,220 find what I needed all night long. And I'm the kind of girl, like I walk up to you, I'm 191 00:15:50,220 --> 00:15:53,740 in a bar, you put a credit card down, I'm going to run your credit card all night long, 192 00:15:53,740 --> 00:15:58,500 whether you know it or not. You know, I'm, I'm not proud to say that I manipulate and 193 00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:03,460 take advantage of people and I don't do it sexually. I do it mentally, but nonetheless 194 00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:08,100 I rob people of them, of the work they do. I take their money. I take their energy. I 195 00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:12,820 take their emotional capacity. I led guys on like I did what I needed to do to get what 196 00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:17,380 I wanted and what I needed. And, and that night was hard for me because I couldn't connect. 197 00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:21,580 Like I couldn't meet the connect until I did it like three in the morning at like a finally 198 00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:25,640 a last minute, you know, after party. And I ended up in the Beverly Hills hotel, which 199 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:30,100 sounds super fancy and I'm not a super fancy girl. I mean, today I have some fancy things 200 00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:34,760 because God and Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me how to suit up, show up and be responsible. 201 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:39,520 So I have things because cumulatively my behavior has changed, but I ended up at the Beverly 202 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:44,220 Hills hotel and I have a hostage. I always take a hostage, a male or female. Someone's 203 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:48,360 with me and we're going on the ride. You know, I had a friend, she's Bolivian and she used 204 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:52,580 to go, mama, how come every time I'm with you on a date, it lasts for so many days, 205 00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:56,820 you know? And it's like, cause you're in and we're hitched. You know, I had like this, 206 00:16:56,820 --> 00:17:00,100 you know, I didn't grow up in the streets, but I had this street mentality. Like we're 207 00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:04,060 in, we roll, you know, that's just what you do. And you stay with each other until there's 208 00:17:04,060 --> 00:17:07,700 no need to stay with each other anymore. And she needed to go to work the next day. And 209 00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:11,500 I told her to call in sick, you know, because I don't care about people's rent. I don't 210 00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:15,120 care that she had bills to pay. I don't care that she could lose her job. I'm like calling 211 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,540 sick. She's like, no, I don't want to call in sick. I said, why? She goes, I never call 212 00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:22,820 in sick. I'm like, perfect. Call in sick. This is great. You've got a clean record. 213 00:17:22,820 --> 00:17:28,180 You can call in sick. And she didn't call in sick and she left. And I remember I was, 214 00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:31,780 there was some strange guy who I didn't know that I just met and there was a full mini 215 00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:36,480 bar and a quarter ounce of cocaine and she was leaving. And thank you God that, that 216 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:40,340 in that moment, instead of staying in that room where I could have put myself in danger, 217 00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:45,060 which I had done many times before, something in me made me walk out and I remember I was 218 00:17:45,060 --> 00:17:49,180 mad at her the whole way home. We have to take a cab home because I don't know where 219 00:17:49,180 --> 00:17:53,300 my car was because I lose my car a lot. And you know, I lose my car and I use my driver's 220 00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:58,580 license for sure. Often when I'm drinking and, and something happened and I couldn't 221 00:17:58,580 --> 00:18:04,020 fall asleep on September 21st, 1997 when I got home and I, I drank my beer and I took 222 00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:10,180 my Tylenol PMs and I tried to come down and any downers that I had and I couldn't do it 223 00:18:10,180 --> 00:18:14,740 and what I realized today is I hit a spiritual bottom and I reached out to, to somebody because 224 00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:18,060 I had a friend who had gone to the Valley Club and she had got sober and long story 225 00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:22,900 short I somehow had some woman's number in my phone and I called her and, and, and there 226 00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:26,900 it was. And one alcoholic started talking to another one. And as she started talking 227 00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:31,440 to me and I was scared and I had no desire to be sober and I had no desire to do what 228 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:35,860 I didn't even know this was, I just knew that I didn't want to feel that way again. Like 229 00:18:35,860 --> 00:18:39,740 I just didn't want to feel the way that I felt. And I don't know that I was sick and 230 00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:44,820 tired of being sick and tired cause I'm telling you right now, I know I have run in me. I'm 231 00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:49,860 not an alcoholic that comes to these rooms and says, if I go out again, I die. I'm not, 232 00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:55,940 which is why I have to work harder because I've still got run in me. I, my untreated 233 00:18:55,940 --> 00:19:00,660 alcoholism will channel into workaholism and it'll go different places when I'm not spiritually 234 00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:05,740 centered, but I know for a fact that I've got run in me and I'm honest with myself and 235 00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:09,900 in the big book, it says that for, for me to know that I'm an alcoholic, I have to be 236 00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:14,340 honest with my innermost self. Like you don't have to know I'm an alcoholic, but I better 237 00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:18,580 know I'm one. I don't think Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place to get sober, but it's the 238 00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:23,340 only place for this alcoholic just to get sober and to stay sober one day at a time 239 00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:28,660 because I am full of myself. I am full of ideas about how I can rearrange your life 240 00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:32,980 and my life and the world's life so that everything can be okay so that I can feel better. And 241 00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:37,700 I called her and she took me to a meeting and I was super snotty, weighing about a buck 242 00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:44,460 10. I didn't have a car. Both my boyfriends had left me. I had no money and I showed up. 243 00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:50,300 She took me to an AA meeting. It was the super big, the big top Pacific group AA meeting. 244 00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:54,960 And anyone who's been there knows there's a line to get in. Right. And I'm standing 245 00:19:54,960 --> 00:20:00,020 there and I must, I'm sure I'm half naked, you know, like mini skirt and heels and I'm 246 00:20:00,020 --> 00:20:04,140 looking at her and I'm smoking and I'm like, why are we standing in this line? And I've 247 00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:09,780 gotten all ego with no, no self esteem and I'm, I'm empty inside, but I've got a lot 248 00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:14,780 to say about everything. And, um, and I looked at her and I said, you know, you know, and, 249 00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:18,740 and she looked at me and I say this in every share because one day I'm hoping that I find 250 00:20:18,740 --> 00:20:23,580 her because she saved my life. So I always share this part and I always get emotional 251 00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:27,820 because in that moment she could have said, well then leave. In that moment she could 252 00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:32,660 have had a resentment in me against me because she was trying to help me and I had an attitude, 253 00:20:32,660 --> 00:20:36,540 but instead she just put her hand on my shoulder because she knew that I was a sick alcoholic 254 00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:41,860 and she knew that I was filled with ego, self-centered pride. And she said, it's okay. So we'll get 255 00:20:41,860 --> 00:20:46,740 in there pretty soon. It's okay. And she just kept me just settled enough to make it in 256 00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:51,380 that meeting. You know, I don't remember that meeting. I don't remember much of my first 257 00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:56,900 year of sobriety. I smoked a lot of cigarettes. I was on unemployment. I ate Red Vines constantly. 258 00:20:56,900 --> 00:21:01,620 I had anxiety attacks. I had panic attacks. I used to think every time an airplane, I 259 00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:04,660 just remember this, you probably never heard this. My response probably never heard me 260 00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:10,580 say this. I use every time an airplane used to fly over, I would literally tuck and tuck 261 00:21:10,580 --> 00:21:15,420 as if the plane was crashing into wherever I was living. And I remember that went on 262 00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:20,660 for a long time. I'd have panic attacks while I was driving and have to go in the slow lane 263 00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:25,720 and repeat the serenity prayer because I didn't know how to have feelings. I didn't have feelings 264 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:31,500 from the time I was 12 until I was 32 years old. So when I had a feeling, it felt it was 265 00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:35,060 a lot like I couldn't breathe and I would panic and I would panic about the feeling 266 00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:37,880 that I was having that I didn't understand it was a feeling and then I couldn't breathe 267 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:42,020 and I didn't feel dizzy and I would just do the serenity prayer loud and, and be in the 268 00:21:42,020 --> 00:21:46,780 slow lane on the freeway driving. And anyone who knows me, I do not drive slowly and just 269 00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:52,220 trying to like get it together. And, um, and I got a sponsor and some guys stood up in 270 00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:57,300 a meeting. I was at the 12 noon Moorpark. And after the meeting, are there any announcements? 271 00:21:57,300 --> 00:22:01,940 And he was like, Hey, I'm putting together a softball team if anybody wants to play softball. 272 00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:06,560 And I love softball. And I, if I had would have had a different life, I would have played 273 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:11,700 softball all the way through and I would have done college ball. And I, I like that. I have 274 00:22:11,700 --> 00:22:16,760 like, I know we don't wish to shut the door. You know, we don't ever, I have regrets about 275 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:20,540 some things. Like I were some things I wish I would have done. It's okay that I didn't 276 00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:24,260 do them. Cause I love what I'm doing now, but there were some things. So he stood up 277 00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:27,660 and he said, you know, we're playing softball and, and I went up to him, you know, in my 278 00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:31,220 high heels and my mini skirt. And I was like, I play softball and you know, and he and I 279 00:22:31,220 --> 00:22:36,260 joke about it. He's been my friend for almost 25 years because we made a joke cause he looked 280 00:22:36,260 --> 00:22:41,220 me up and down and threw me in right field. And, um, I had a resentment and, and, and 281 00:22:41,220 --> 00:22:45,060 after he saw how I played, I played first base for the next like decade when we played 282 00:22:45,060 --> 00:22:49,760 together, but we always joke about it. And, and I went to the dances, you know, and I, 283 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:54,380 and I met a girl and, and she just, she spoke here, you know, Sari, Sari's my best friend. 284 00:22:54,380 --> 00:22:59,820 And, um, I have six months more than her. And, um, there was a guy, you know, his name 285 00:22:59,820 --> 00:23:04,780 was Steve. He's, he's dead now. And, uh, he was in a wheelchair and he had, he was sober 286 00:23:04,780 --> 00:23:09,200 for seven years and then he had gone out and long story short, he had a big attitude and 287 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:13,420 probably more women than I'd ever seen any guy have. And Sari and I, we were out one 288 00:23:13,420 --> 00:23:17,100 night and Steve asked me to meet him for dinner and Sari was at the restaurant and I saw Steve 289 00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:20,420 cause Sari and I didn't even know that I cared. Cause I didn't even know that I wanted Steve. 290 00:23:20,420 --> 00:23:24,740 I was just there, but what was I doing? But I got mad cause I just get mad. And then Sari 291 00:23:24,740 --> 00:23:28,780 had an attitude and I turned around and was like, you know, what's up with you? You know, 292 00:23:28,780 --> 00:23:32,600 and there I was ready to throw down with Sari and you know, she looked at me and she started 293 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:37,080 crying and she's like, I liked you, you know, and then boom, we haven't, we haven't, we've 294 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:41,960 talked to almost every single day for the past 25 years. You know, she's my best friend 295 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:46,300 and my tragic buddy. And we just started doing the crazy things you do when you're new, you 296 00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:50,040 know, when there was an event, we went, when there was a panel, we went, when there was 297 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:56,220 a marathon meetings, we went, when there were dances, we went. I mean, we just, we just 298 00:23:56,220 --> 00:24:02,780 AA just caught me. I'm so lucky AA just caught me. Not, it doesn't catch everybody. Some 299 00:24:02,780 --> 00:24:06,900 of us go in and out. Some of us want to be caught and we can't get caught, you know, 300 00:24:06,900 --> 00:24:13,580 and it made sense to me. Alcoholics Anonymous to this date makes sense to me. It is a practical 301 00:24:13,580 --> 00:24:18,740 application of a spiritual program that lets me from the time I opened my eyes to the time 302 00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:24,340 I go to sleep, live in this world. And it, it's a design for living that works for me 303 00:24:24,340 --> 00:24:29,780 and I can do it like I can do this with you guys. You guys love me. You guys listen to 304 00:24:29,780 --> 00:24:35,680 me talk about the same things over and over. I called a woman every day at any time and 305 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,420 she always answered the phone and I never said, hi, I'd really like to know how I can 306 00:24:39,420 --> 00:24:43,100 stay sober, change my life and be of service to the world. I called her and said, do you 307 00:24:43,100 --> 00:24:46,980 think he'll ever call? You know, my boyfriend who, when I got sober, left me for the coke 308 00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:51,060 deal. You had both Eric braids and really big tits and I was super jealous. And I was 309 00:24:51,060 --> 00:24:54,760 like, do you think he'll ever call me? You know, and she would just talk to me like, 310 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,700 you know what, sweetheart, they always call because they always call. And then we would 311 00:24:57,700 --> 00:25:01,420 just talk about AA and we would just talk about my day and she would just be there. 312 00:25:01,420 --> 00:25:07,500 And one phone call at a time, one meeting at a time, one activity at a time, my days 313 00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:12,020 started stringing together. My days started stringing together and I started understanding 314 00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:16,860 things like maybe when you hugged me, it was okay. Cause that hugging thing at first, I 315 00:25:16,860 --> 00:25:21,140 was like, why are you touching me? You know, like I don't, I don't like people touching 316 00:25:21,140 --> 00:25:25,300 me unless I want you to touch me. I'm still like that. You know, if you're in my space, 317 00:25:25,300 --> 00:25:29,820 I've, I've softened a lot over the years. It took me nine years to realize I'm not supposed 318 00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:34,620 to put my hands on somebody. And that was embarrassing for me because I didn't know 319 00:25:34,620 --> 00:25:38,480 that I wasn't supposed to hit people until my sponsor took me to breakfast one day at 320 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:43,940 Twain's and she sat me down and I put my hands on somebody and she said, Angela, I want to 321 00:25:43,940 --> 00:25:46,980 talk to you about something. And I was like, you know, I didn't have a mom. I had a dad 322 00:25:46,980 --> 00:25:50,900 and I just, and, and I said, okay. And I'm sitting there with my little bacon and eggs 323 00:25:50,900 --> 00:25:55,300 and she said, sweetheart, she said, we don't hit people. And it was revelatory for me. 324 00:25:55,300 --> 00:25:59,040 I was kind of like, you know, when your dog goes, it was like, and she just said it was 325 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:03,820 so much love. She goes, we don't hit people. And I just, it was a new idea for me, you 326 00:26:03,820 --> 00:26:09,220 know, alcoholics anonymous gives me new ideas and it was a primitive one, but I was like, 327 00:26:09,220 --> 00:26:14,420 oh, okay. She said, we talk about things and we pray and we don't, we, that's not how we 328 00:26:14,420 --> 00:26:19,540 resolve things. And I was like, oh, okay. You know, and, and then I had sponsors teach 329 00:26:19,540 --> 00:26:22,940 me things like it's, you know, when you're talking, I'm supposed to listen to what you're 330 00:26:22,940 --> 00:26:26,980 saying instead of think about what I want to say as soon as you're done. Right. I learned 331 00:26:26,980 --> 00:26:31,480 that I should walk up to you in a meeting and I should say, you know, hi. And this meeting 332 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:36,220 is very, I love the AA in this meeting. I had like six people come up and say hello 333 00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:41,820 and put their hands out and it was warm. It's it's, you know, I love the, I like to be the 334 00:26:41,820 --> 00:26:46,420 loving arms of alcoholics anonymous. I learned in this room, be careful who you decide not 335 00:26:46,420 --> 00:26:49,740 to like, cause you never know who's going to save your life. You know, I learned that 336 00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:53,340 when I have a resentment, it's because I'm afraid I'm not going to get what I want or 337 00:26:53,340 --> 00:26:58,100 I'm losing what I have. And that my self centered fear, fear centered on me, fear centered on 338 00:26:58,100 --> 00:27:01,900 what I'm not going to get or what I'm going to lose is going to drive me to make decisions 339 00:27:01,900 --> 00:27:05,840 that are going to cost me the magic of God. Right. I learned that the life that I want 340 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:10,780 for myself is hardly even close to the life that God's got for me. You know, what it's 341 00:27:10,780 --> 00:27:15,620 like today is I was just talking with Karen, you know, I don't get to, I don't get to sponsor 342 00:27:15,620 --> 00:27:22,580 as many people as, as I'd like to. And because God gave me a career that's big, I own a company. 343 00:27:22,580 --> 00:27:27,500 I do something I never intended on doing. I'm very clear. Alcoholics anonymous is for 344 00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:31,780 fun and for free. And I never wanted to mix that in the world of recovery. You know, I 345 00:27:31,780 --> 00:27:37,200 never wanted to mix my recovery where money was in and all the doors closed at one point 346 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:41,340 in my career, like literally every door closed and I'm highly employable because I was so 347 00:27:41,340 --> 00:27:46,140 inconsistent that I've done just about everything. I was like a paralegal. I was a makeup artist. 348 00:27:46,140 --> 00:27:50,540 I was a this, I was a that, I was a soldier. I was, you know, I've done so many things 349 00:27:50,540 --> 00:27:55,360 in my, I was a secretary. I worked in aerospace. I mean, you know, and, and all the doors closed 350 00:27:55,360 --> 00:28:00,100 and the only door that opened was to the mental health industry. And I was, ah, you know, 351 00:28:00,100 --> 00:28:04,960 and, and, and I needed to pay my rent because God puts me in circumstances and situations 352 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:09,400 that demand attention because I'm the kind of alcoholic that doesn't hear a whisper. 353 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:16,340 You know, I, I, I hear the whispers more today than I used to, but when it's big stakes on 354 00:28:16,340 --> 00:28:21,320 the table, when it's love, when it's money, you know, romance finance, when it's big stakes 355 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:26,160 on the table, I kind of have to be hit in the head a couple of times, you know, because 356 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:30,720 I really still, I think it's human, it's instincts that talks about it in the 12 and 12, but 357 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:36,500 I still really pages 60 to 63, you know, I still really think sometimes that my plan 358 00:28:36,500 --> 00:28:40,820 is just, it's a good plan. You know, I know that thing of like, tell God your plans and 359 00:28:40,820 --> 00:28:45,700 watch God laugh, you know, and all that stuff. But there's sometimes when, you know, I don't 360 00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:52,160 let go easily. Control is one of my biggest character defects. It's why it's also a great 361 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:57,360 asset. You know, I run a great company. I know how to make things happen. I'm a doer. 362 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:03,960 It's also a deficit that I will, you know, God's got to like, God's got to just, I have 363 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:09,920 to be almost bleeding before I'm like, fine. I surrender, you know, and then when I surrender 364 00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:14,120 each and every time the peace of God, spirit, universe, higher power, whatever it is for 365 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:20,300 you washes over me. And for those of us who know that feeling, there is nothing more beautiful 366 00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:26,520 than when the peace of God washes over you and you know that you are exactly where you 367 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:30,960 need to be in the moment. And I wish I could tell you, do I get there faster than I used 368 00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:35,920 to? Yeah. Do I intuitively know how to handle situations differently? I do. I mean, I'd 369 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:41,640 be, you know, otherwise I hello work a program, right? I do. I get there faster, but I still 370 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:46,600 get caught up in my same stuff, right? I still can get caught up on any given day. You may 371 00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:51,360 say something and what you say and what I perceive, there could be a gap in between 372 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:56,840 it. You know, perception thinking is the problem that this alcoholic has. My thinking will 373 00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:02,840 take me to my drinking, my perspective and how I translate what you're doing or what 374 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:09,640 a situation is. If it is rooted in fear, I am on my way to some painful places or closer 375 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:15,840 to a drink. If it's rooted in faith, I'm on my way to maybe learn some lessons, some recovery, 376 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:19,400 some hard times. I'm going to get sloshed around a little bit because that's what life 377 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:24,960 does. Life, life, life, life. How I respond to life will define the experience that I 378 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:29,920 have in life. And that's what AA gave me, the power of knowing that only in the first 379 00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:35,200 step in my power list, two through 12, I am empowered. And what God said with Alcoholics 380 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:39,640 Anonymous is check it out, Angela, put down the booze, put down the drugs and just one 381 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:45,480 day at a time, why don't you just try and let me guide you with breadcrumbs? I pay attention 382 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:50,620 to what people say because answers come in your words. I just heard something said to 383 00:30:50,620 --> 00:30:56,440 me the third time in a week period and I was like, that was three different people. And 384 00:30:56,440 --> 00:31:00,520 they say it randomly. Like someone will go, well, did you ever think of, you know, and 385 00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:04,400 then suddenly I'll hear it a few times and I'm like, I'm getting something like something's 386 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:10,760 coming to me right now. I'm supposed to listen to it, but if I'm so focused because I'm afraid 387 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:16,640 if I lose this thing, if this thing changes and I'm only looking here, I'm missing everything 388 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:22,420 that God's going on out here. I'm missing things that could be amazing. And I'll close 389 00:31:22,420 --> 00:31:27,880 with this in the, in the third step prayer, which was the prayer that I, I just, it changed 390 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:33,920 me because I get to offer myself to God because I'm here. I want to be all used up when I'm 391 00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:38,200 out of here. My mom died in 1996 and I had to pull the plug on her even though I barely 392 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:42,160 knew her. And that's a whole nother story. And I had a spiritual awakening there even 393 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:46,660 though I was still asleep because I was still using. But I know that when I'm out of this 394 00:31:46,660 --> 00:31:51,280 one, when this chap, this life, whatever this is, and I don't know what it is and I don't 395 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,760 know what God is because in the big book it doesn't say you must find God and know what 396 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:58,800 God is and define God. It said, check it out. Just seek God, whatever God is for you. Just 397 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:03,320 look for it. I know that I want to be used up. I don't want to die the way my mom died. 398 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:07,640 She never really lived her life. She never really lived her life. I don't want to die 399 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:12,180 and not live. So I want to risk. I want to take the jumps. I want to take the leaps. 400 00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:16,600 I want to go to the emotional places that are super uncomfortable for me. I want to 401 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:21,120 cry in front of you when I'm sad. I don't want to apologize for it. I want to be messy 402 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:25,240 because I have a feeling and I could be wrong and maybe I'm just nuts. I have a feeling 403 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:31,560 that at the end of it, the only regret I would have is not tasting everything, right? I just, 404 00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:38,200 I just want to do it. Whatever it is, I want to, I want to die knowing I lived and Alcoholics 405 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,440 Anonymous has given me that. So thank you.