1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,080 - Bethany, recovered alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:03,680 (indistinct) 3 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:04,840 Everyone can hear me. 4 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:05,960 You can hear me do the wave. 5 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,840 I did the hitting for around the pandemic. 6 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,160 I was very skeptical of them. 7 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:12,640 You know, on the big books that is, you know, 8 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,360 modem to modem or face-to-face. 9 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,520 I was like modem to modem, that's ridiculous. 10 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,880 But you know, today it's actually become a saving grace 11 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:22,600 because I wasn't able to attend so many meetings 12 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:23,800 during the results of this. 13 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,520 And now it's made it easy to attend continuously 14 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:29,320 in other places, which I really appreciate. 15 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,200 And thank you very much, Bruce, for sharing before. 16 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,840 It's gonna be exciting for 18 years for you coming on. 17 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,600 You know, I loved hearing your experience 18 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,560 and I didn't get to see if anyone in the room was new 19 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:40,400 if you are. 20 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,000 Well, I absolutely hate sharing. 21 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,800 It's one of the things that's always- 22 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,520 (indistinct) 23 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,600 You know, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous 24 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:53,160 and through my whole life, I was a very shy individual. 25 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,600 I remember coming into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 26 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,520 and I could barely speak. 27 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,320 So for me to actually speak long-term 28 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,440 in front of other people, it's a huge accomplishment for me. 29 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,000 And that's just fine for both of them 30 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,200 as a result of being here and continuing to participate 31 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:09,120 in this variety. 32 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:10,960 And I will admit lately, 33 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:14,240 my sobriety participation hasn't been great. 34 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,880 I've reduced my meetings, not on purpose. 35 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,480 It just kind of happens to about one a week. 36 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,880 And typically I go to three or four a week. 37 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:25,280 And so it's nice to be able to come back. 38 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,600 Right now, I'm saying yes to anything. 39 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,560 Because I know being present for these things 40 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,600 is what really fills me. 41 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,520 I have 20 years of sobriety. 42 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:37,800 I got sober November 11th, 2002. 43 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,320 My current sponsor is Abbie L. 44 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,000 And she and I have been working together 45 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,440 for a little over a year. 46 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,960 I've had a lot of sponsors throughout my sobriety. 47 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,560 I have worked the steps in numerous ways. 48 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,120 And I do sponsor. 49 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:51,800 I've sponsored being gambling. 50 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,640 And I take them through the book as outlined. 51 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,760 I'm the first to give 64 pages, 52 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,560 which I find to have been the most of their way 53 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:01,200 for me to achieve recovery. 54 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,480 And the book talks about recovery. 55 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,200 We are recovered from the seemingly hopeless state 56 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,520 of mind and body and I can say that I am a recovered body. 57 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,840 And it's something that I do every day. 58 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:12,880 I am grateful for. 59 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:17,200 And every day I do stay connected in one way or another. 60 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:21,400 Whether it's through another alcoholic, always with God. 61 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,120 And continuing to stay involved in my program. 62 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,920 Like this is a way of living for me. 63 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:31,120 And I can say when I was drinking, I didn't want to live. 64 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,720 You know, life to me wasn't really worth living. 65 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,240 I started drinking when I was 11. 66 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:40,040 I'm originally from Texas and a very small town 67 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,160 called Grand Prairie. 68 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,480 No one's ever heard of it. 69 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:45,280 And it's like a kind of state where if you stood 70 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,040 on a beer keg, you could look from one side to the other. 71 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,120 It's completely flat. 72 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:50,600 There's like nothing there. 73 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:53,800 But my mom remarried a man when I was 11 74 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,960 and moved me from this like super flat, 75 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,560 nothing really happening state. 76 00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,440 That was my only thing that I'd ever known. 77 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,280 And took me to Hong Kong. 78 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,280 So I lived internationally for years. 79 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,680 And it was there where I started drinking. 80 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,920 There was no age limit for anyone getting off at that time. 81 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:14,400 And so I fell into the group of kids that what they did 82 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,080 was they went out on the weekend, went to bars, 83 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,320 club, partying, partying on the beaches for school. 84 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,360 And it was fine. 85 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,880 It was actually better fine. 86 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:24,720 It was really amazing. 87 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,480 As I said, I was really shy as a kid. 88 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,200 And when I started drinking, it was like I got to open up. 89 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,440 I opened up into some really loud, obnoxious, 90 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:38,000 emotional as you would when drinking, young girl, right? 91 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,920 It was like my emotions were all over the place. 92 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,640 I'm in a completely different country. 93 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,640 I'm trying to be somebody that I don't know how to be. 94 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:49,120 I started drinking at this place that was called M Place. 95 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:53,200 And it was a bar where you walk down some super shady stairs, 96 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,080 pass the dust, go inside, give them some money. 97 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,960 They stand your hand and you have your buffet. 98 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,520 So they gave me a beer sign that was as big as mine. 99 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,040 And I could refill it all night. 100 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,080 And I had never before. 101 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,200 But I didn't ever want anyone to know that I hadn't done this. 102 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,680 So I drank like I'd always been drinking. 103 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:10,200 So I have. 104 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,920 And it was truly amazing. 105 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,160 I got completely obliterated. 106 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:16,560 Don't really remember the night. 107 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,800 I had no idea how I got home, and the next day when I came to, 108 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,120 I knew I was right. 109 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,480 It was just like being a really deaf person. 110 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,240 And that's exactly what I wanted to be. 111 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,000 I didn't like myself. 112 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:27,880 I was shy. 113 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,240 I thought I was ugly. 114 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,120 I thought I was fat. 115 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,280 I thought it was all of these things, really stupid, 116 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:37,360 incapable, just not of the caliber of the people 117 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,520 that I was around ever. 118 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,640 And when I was in this different state, I felt alive and free. 119 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,800 And so I chased whenever I could. 120 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,760 And I would have told you that I was a social drinker. 121 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,040 But honestly, I don't know any 11-year-old social drinker. 122 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,560 It's not really a thing. 123 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,240 I drank as much as I could whenever I could. 124 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,960 And I couldn't have told you if I was an alcoholic, 125 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,760 I would have told you I was just a rebellious young girl. 126 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:04,440 And my rebellion continued on for a long time. 127 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,760 It extended into drugs. 128 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:10,600 It extended into all sorts of other things 129 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,280 that young women have a tendency to get involved in when 130 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:14,000 they're drinking. 131 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:17,560 And honestly, it's amazing what I made it out of those teams. 132 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,680 When I moved to the United States when I was 18, 133 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:21,920 it was hard to get out. 134 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:25,400 It was easier to get drugs, which I find pretty funny. 135 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:26,520 But my thing's alcohol. 136 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,760 So it's like I started dating older guys 137 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,360 in order to help get me alcohol. 138 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,680 And I also started doing a lot more drugs. 139 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:36,760 And the consequences weren't that extensive yet. 140 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,000 But they did start to grow. 141 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,280 But they didn't outweigh the good feelings 142 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,000 that I thought that I was having. 143 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,240 I used alcohol as much as I could 144 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,720 considering the situations that I was in. 145 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:51,240 When I was in my early 20s, I moved to Boston 146 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,400 to live with a drug dealing boyfriend 147 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,000 and a whole bunch of chaos that kind of followed. 148 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,760 And it was there that I really-- 149 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,200 I just went off at the end. 150 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,760 I couldn't have told you what was really real anymore 151 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,200 with all of the drugs and alcohol that was going on. 152 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:08,240 And the consequences of that were really just 153 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:11,280 I was so strung out and didn't really 154 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,600 know what was up and what was down. 155 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,320 I went back to California to be with my parents 156 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,920 and kind of drive out for a little bit 157 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,440 and try to get my life together. 158 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,760 And I was going to college and working several jobs 159 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,800 and just still creating chaos. 160 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,120 And I thought everything was OK, but it really wasn't. 161 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,360 It got to the point where I described my drinking like this. 162 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,640 It was like something horrible had happened. 163 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,360 And I would say, OK, I'm never going to do that thing again. 164 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:38,760 And then I would get drunk again. 165 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,560 And then that horrible thing would happen, plus a little bit. 166 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,960 But then I would kind of go, OK, let me redraw my line 167 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,400 of where I'm going to end things. 168 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,000 So I would redraw the line, and then I would get drunk again. 169 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,160 And that thing would happen, plus a little bit more. 170 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,920 So I kept kind of edging myself back. 171 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,120 It was like just drawing lines in the sand, right, 172 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:57,440 trying to figure out where my boundaries were 173 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,080 and where are my morals, where are my boundaries. 174 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,040 And every time I liked that one, I 175 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,680 would cross it again and again and again. 176 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,880 And one day, it just got to where I had run out of sand 177 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:08,840 to draw a line. 178 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,000 I had backed myself into this corner 179 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:15,000 of not being able to commit to anything. 180 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,960 I had always wanted to be a good person. 181 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,720 I'd always thought that I was a good girl, 182 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,680 but I just couldn't pull it off. 183 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:25,240 Everywhere I went, I caused destruction, pain, humiliation. 184 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,200 I was a liar, a cheat, and a thief at that. 185 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,080 I had a job. 186 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,000 I was a bartender. 187 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,000 I stole from them, right? 188 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:36,200 I had friends, but I destroyed most of those relationships 189 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,840 because I couldn't be faithful to anybody. 190 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:39,640 I would lie. 191 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,360 I would hurt them, and not meaning to. 192 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,440 I never meant to do any of those things. 193 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,080 And I think that that's what's really confusing about, right? 194 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,520 It's like I don't ever mean hurt anybody. 195 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,400 I don't ever mean to not show up when I say that I'm going to. 196 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,880 I don't ever mean to do that thing again, and yet I do. 197 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:59,280 It's like I can't not do those things I would say I want to do. 198 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,360 And I got to the point where I was like, OK, well, maybe 199 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,040 it's the alcohol doing these things. 200 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,800 And so I would start going, I'm not going to drink today. 201 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,800 But then I would end up drinking later that day 202 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,600 because someone would call and say, let's go for a drink. 203 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,760 I couldn't ever quite dig to that thought of like, 204 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:15,800 I'm not going to drink. 205 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,200 I would always change my mind. 206 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,440 And it wasn't until I got into alcoholics 207 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,960 and then someone told me that alcohol changed my mind for me. 208 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,640 The night of my last drunk was definitely 209 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,840 the night where I crossed all of my lines. 210 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,200 Everything was fraught. 211 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,200 I hurt all of the friends that I was with. 212 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,800 I hurt the partner that I was with. 213 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,600 I had hurt people that I was working with. 214 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,080 It was the weirdest night for me was drinking, too. 215 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,040 It was most of the nights I would drink, black out, 216 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,400 pass out, and come through. 217 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,360 And that wasn't happening this night. 218 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:47,480 This night, I was oddly aware of what was going on 219 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,400 and completely physically out of control of myself. 220 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:54,480 And it wasn't matching to what my alcohol experience usually 221 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,040 was. 222 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,560 And all these horrible things happened that evening. 223 00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,400 And then when I came to the next morning 224 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,320 and I looked around the room and trying to piece together 225 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,720 the destruction of the night before, 226 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,120 I was just filled with all of those feelings, 227 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:08,520 like the Hades Four Horseman. 228 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:13,400 And I got myself up out of bed, and I walked over to a mirror. 229 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,880 And it took me a while to be able to pull my head up 230 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,000 and look myself in the eye. 231 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,520 And when I did, all I saw was that I had 232 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:20,760 drank and moved myself away. 233 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:24,240 I had felt the shame, guilt, pain, self-loathing, 234 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:27,000 and humiliation of all the hurts that I had found 235 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,720 and all the pain that I had found. 236 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,360 And I couldn't go on like that. 237 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,600 And I wasn't quite sure what Alcoholics Anonymous was, 238 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:34,520 but I'd heard of it. 239 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,960 And I was like, I'm either going to kill myself 240 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,240 or I'm going to get some help. 241 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,400 So I googled Alcoholics Anonymous, 242 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:44,120 and it told me the preamble of how hundreds of men and women 243 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:45,600 help each other recover. 244 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,680 And I didn't understand what that was. 245 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,760 I didn't understand what it was to actually help 246 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:50,560 another person. 247 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:53,600 I had always done something for somebody for something. 248 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,240 So I didn't understand this concept of people actually 249 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,280 helping other people through something for nothing. 250 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:01,880 And I found the number for Alcoholics Anonymous 251 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:02,760 Central Office. 252 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,600 At this time, I was living in Bay and I. 253 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,920 And this nice lady answered the phone from Central Office. 254 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,240 And I think I'm meeting you. 255 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,200 And she says, OK, well, there's one for night. 256 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,160 And I said, oh, no, no, no. 257 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:14,320 I don't really want to go to. 258 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,040 She says, no, honey, you're going to go to night. 259 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,240 And I'm so very afraid that she did that. 260 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,360 I didn't know that there was meetings every night, 261 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,880 every hour, on the hour, in all these cities. 262 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,600 I thought this was the only meeting, 263 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,360 that I was going to miss my chain. 264 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,760 And so when she's like, no, honey, you need to go to night, 265 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,360 I was like, OK, where is it? 266 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,800 And it was-- nothing to remember. 267 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,560 You guys were in the valley, Radford Hall. 268 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:39,440 It was Radford Hall when it was over on Ventura Boulevard. 269 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,200 And I know it's moved a couple of times since then. 270 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,000 And I visited it in a newer location. 271 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,480 But I got sober when it was on Ventura Boulevard. 272 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,640 And I know that God was kind of with me that night. 273 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,480 Not that I was accepting of it at that point. 274 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,960 But this guy that I had pretty much destroyed him 275 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,960 the night before came to me that day. 276 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,560 And he was like, what's going on here? 277 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,920 I'm like, I think I need to go to a meeting. 278 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:04,280 And he was like, I'll take you. 279 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:05,960 And I really didn't want that. 280 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,480 But I couldn't tell him no. 281 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:11,000 And he took me to that meeting of alcoholics on this. 282 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,080 And it was Thursday night. 283 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,440 There was a candlelight that came. 284 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:14,320 It was 10 o'clock. 285 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,160 And it was so great for all of those things. 286 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,280 Because I don't think I could have loved an alcoholic 287 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,520 in the eye-- anyone in the eye. 288 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,080 And I feel like that he was definitely 289 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,280 sent to me to take me there. 290 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,040 Because my plan for that night was to try to find a meeting 291 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,320 by driving up Ventura Boulevard, driving back down, 292 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,160 going to the liquor store, and going home. 293 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,480 Like, it wasn't really my plan to go to the meeting. 294 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,040 But I got. 295 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:38,240 And I don't really remember what anybody said at that meeting. 296 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,080 But I felt more OK in that dark room 297 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,720 with these other alcoholics where 298 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,200 they were talking about whatever feeling comfortable. 299 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,800 They seemed comfortable. 300 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,120 I was like, I can come back and do this again. 301 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:54,000 And honestly, I have been sober ever since that particular 302 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:54,520 meeting. 303 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,560 And I don't ever think that that was anything that I did, right? 304 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:58,440 Like, God got me. 305 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,480 God got me to this breaking point to actually get me out. 306 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,360 And it's been through those breaking points 307 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:08,280 that have kept me going through alcoholics. 308 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,280 I haven't done this thing perfectly at all. 309 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,880 The first sponsor that I asked to take me through 310 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,040 whatever alcoholics do. 311 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,640 It was three months into AA before I finally 312 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:20,920 heard through the steps. 313 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,680 And I was like, what are these steps saying? 314 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,120 There was one woman that I felt kind of comfortable with. 315 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,240 And I asked her to help me. 316 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:27,960 And she said she wasn't going to help me. 317 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,120 I asked somebody else. 318 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,000 And that was my first experience, asking somebody. 319 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,800 It was so awkward and so hard. 320 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,560 And then I ended up with this other woman 321 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,040 that I didn't feel comfortable. 322 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,560 And I remember saying something about that at a meeting. 323 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:42,840 Everybody in the meeting in unison was like, get a new swamp. 324 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:46,440 And I still didn't quite get what they were supposed to do. 325 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,760 But this overwhelming feeling of this person 326 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,360 is really going to be able to help me when I have to. 327 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,720 I found another sponsor and another sponsor and another 328 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:55,240 sponsor. 329 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,120 And I've worked the steps with a few of them. 330 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,640 I remember being taken through. 331 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,960 Someone took me through with an NA worksheet at one point. 332 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,440 Someone else took me through by reading the poem as well. 333 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,240 I remember someone was going to take me through trying 334 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,680 to read the big book together. 335 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,040 But she'd never really done it. 336 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,920 And I remember she and I going together. 337 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,760 And I was like, hey, Mandy, where's the person? 338 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,000 And she's like, you know what? 339 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:17,500 I don't know. 340 00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:20,520 And it's like trying to find out these things. 341 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:24,600 And it wasn't until I moved down to the South Bay, which 342 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,520 is where I live now. 343 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:29,640 We live in Gomita, a little inland city from the South Bay 344 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:30,880 that I was going to move on to. 345 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,920 And I found this meeting called the Denver Group. 346 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,640 And they absolutely saved my mind. 347 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,960 It's actually where I know Karen from. 348 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,240 And these people, they knew something. 349 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,200 They knew something different than anyone else 350 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,440 that I had ever talked to. 351 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,020 And these people worked the steps directly 352 00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,520 from the big book, the first 164 pages. 353 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,920 But I knew when I heard them, they definitely 354 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,560 had a different answer, that the book talks about that thing 355 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:54,600 with depth and weight. 356 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,580 Like they were talking to something much deeper in me. 357 00:13:57,580 --> 00:14:00,600 Until I got to this meeting, and that was two years 358 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,560 into my sobriety, I still wasn't quite sure what an alcoholic is. 359 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,060 And it was when I got to this meeting 360 00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:07,800 and people started talking about the allergy of alcohol. 361 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:08,680 What is that? 362 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,480 And they're like, that's that thing 363 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,200 that when you start drinking, you keep drinking, right? 364 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,360 And I'm like, well, I always wanted to drink, 365 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,820 so I don't know what you're talking. 366 00:14:16,820 --> 00:14:20,640 Uncovering the lies of alcoholism, it's wild. 367 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:22,720 Because I told myself, I always wanted to drink. 368 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:23,360 Yeah, I did. 369 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,500 My motto was, I want to drink more alcohol, right? 370 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,520 So could I ever really try to stop drinking? 371 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,280 Could I ever set any limits on drinking? 372 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:29,960 Probably not. 373 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,280 Well, those were my lies, right? 374 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,200 Because I wouldn't have walked into the rooms 375 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,440 with alcohol as long as I had. 376 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:37,480 I just always convinced myself that I had changed my mind. 377 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,640 And I was really good to just stop changing my mind. 378 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,840 And it took a lot of digging and looking at this thing. 379 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,320 Like I said, I would go to the bar every night 380 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,040 and go for a couple of drinks. 381 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,400 And then someone pointed out to me, a couple was two, right? 382 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,440 And I'm like, oh, so how many do you really have at the bar? 383 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,360 Well, I would drink until the bar closed. 384 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,160 How many drinks I had during the time that's what I had. 385 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,760 And then I'd drive to the liquor store 386 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,800 and have some water before I would pass out. 387 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:03,840 It was like they're-- 388 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,760 but I had lied to myself and told myself 389 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,660 that it was what I was really having. 390 00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:09,240 I changed the definitions of things 391 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,760 to meet me wherever I got. 392 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,040 And yeah, I'd always wanted to drink to get drunk, 393 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,920 but I was always drinking to try a sweet spot. 394 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,080 You know, that spot where the world's just kind of got 395 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,040 a humbug and you can kind of navigate your way through it 396 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,440 with a little kiddiness to it. 397 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,720 I think I experienced, really, like every other time 398 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,920 I was drinking an overshot mark of that little sweet spot. 399 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,320 That's what I was really having. 400 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:29,400 But that's my alcohol. 401 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,720 It was telling me, like, OK, so I had this one drink. 402 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,920 And now I'm feeling like I'm going to get there. 403 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,520 But I'm not quite there, so I haven't had any-- 404 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,640 my alcohol has never said we're going 405 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,400 to go and drink everything, but it just 406 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,800 talked to me really quietly as just how-- even when one more 407 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,320 couldn't have gotten any, right? 408 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,040 Like, if I can hardly walk down the hallway, 409 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,280 what is the point of having just one more? 410 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,400 But my alcohol isn't the only one, 411 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,680 where I couldn't even stand. 412 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,160 Like, that's ridiculous. 413 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:56,640 That-- why would I even want-- 414 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,840 I don't think anyone-- that's what alcohol is. 415 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,840 That's the physical allergy, no matter what the-- 416 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,480 and then these people also told me 417 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,240 that there's this mental obsession, right? 418 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,880 It's like, even if I do happen to stop for a period of time, 419 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,400 I will pick up again, you know? 420 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,120 And that's, again, that thing I thought 421 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,880 had just changed my mind to go and drink. 422 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,760 Because I would tell myself, like, oh my gosh, 423 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,760 that was just a horrible experience that I had. 424 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,080 I don't ever want to experience. 425 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,080 I'm not going to go home. 426 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,560 And literally, like, later that day, 427 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,560 I would get a phone call, hey, would you meet a bar? 428 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,080 OK. 429 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,200 It was just like that. 430 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,200 It's just that quick. 431 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,040 It doesn't have to make any sense. 432 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,280 Like, it will just take me right back to it, no matter what. 433 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,360 And I remember the night-- man, I could-- 434 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,440 I remember the night that I knew that I had some mind. 435 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,000 I talk about crossing the road, going 436 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,120 from a potential alcoholic to a real alcoholic and stuff. 437 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,920 And it is-- when you're a real alcoholic, that's when. 438 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,560 You know, you drink more than you say that. 439 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,040 I didn't have that information and experience drinking. 440 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,560 But after the pinnacle of one horrible-- 441 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,480 I mean, I honestly think that I was such a disfamily. 442 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,360 So humiliating. 443 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,160 I was through that. 444 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,960 And then my brother wanted me to take him to a bar 445 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,560 because he was visiting the town. 446 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,840 And I said, OK, I'll take you. 447 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:04,120 It was the Abbey thing, one of the fantastic, huge things. 448 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,280 And he wanted to go for one of those. 449 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:07,120 He said, OK, I'll take you. 450 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:07,680 But I'm not. 451 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:08,200 He said, OK. 452 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,000 So we get there. 453 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,480 He's going to go to the bar and get the drink. 454 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:11,480 He's like, what do you want? 455 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:12,280 You put just water. 456 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,440 I don't-- they're all right. 457 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,120 So he comes back with two glasses. 458 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,960 And they are both absolute citronic and lithium. 459 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,040 And he just sets it down. 460 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,560 And he said, I don't want-- and he literally just took it 461 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:22,960 and pushed it my way. 462 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,240 And I could feel everything inside of me, right? 463 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:26,360 Everything inside of me. 464 00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:29,200 I knew I needed that drink like I needed air, right? 465 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,040 And so I drank. 466 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,840 You know, that in the book is what 467 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,960 it talks about of turning into a real alcoholic. 468 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,760 Like, that was that point for me. 469 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:36,920 And I didn't know it then. 470 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,280 But I know it today that that's exactly what it's about. 471 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,640 You know, because I lived from that point knowing. 472 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,200 And it's amazing, right? 473 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,880 How does a person that goes from having zero 474 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,240 [INAUDIBLE] into me that [INAUDIBLE] 475 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,760 and it talks in the book about, like, on page 20, 476 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,440 it's like, you know, maybe you're 477 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:53,920 going to see how and why. 478 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,320 In the face of this, that we're not supposed to be drinking it. 479 00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,600 And the book answers that question later by saying, 480 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,480 you know, how and why that we quit claiming that it didn't-- 481 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,600 and I realized that in my whole life that what I was doing 482 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,640 was probably going to be taking control of everything 483 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:10,280 and delivering. 484 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,080 And it was through all of these reasons 485 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,960 that we get the kind of thing towards being in the opening 486 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,640 that I could watch the world, right? 487 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,640 It was in that uncovering of, like, I am alcoholic. 488 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,200 I cannot control my drinking. 489 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,120 I cannot control my not drinking. 490 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:25,760 What can? 491 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,200 How did I even get to these rooms? 492 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,280 Like, that's the first miracle that I anyway-- 493 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:31,840 and I know that I was taken to these rooms by God. 494 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,000 But being able to, like, digest that, like, 495 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,480 that was nothing I ever wanted. 496 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:36,400 I didn't want to live. 497 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,640 Like, I was raised by these super nice church people. 498 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,400 You know, like, I went to Lutheran schools 499 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,280 and all of these things, and it just never rested. 500 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,040 God, like, wasn't something that I could ever understand. 501 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:50,000 And in these rooms, I was so very grateful that this 502 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,600 is the God of my own understanding. 503 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,120 This is something that, like, our own conception. 504 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,000 And a conception isn't a contract. 505 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,560 That's not, like, something that I think about and create. 506 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,400 You know, it is a starting point. 507 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,720 It is, like, a new point to begin with with me and God. 508 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:07,000 And I will say, I actually had a fantastic, like, 509 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,280 spiritual experience in early sobriety, 510 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,240 but I didn't know that that's what it was. 511 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,800 And no one could tell me that it was. 512 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,880 But it just sounded like a cool experience. 513 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,320 I was kind of nutty, you know? 514 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,480 I was going to the aquarium, right? 515 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,280 And I was taking this newcomer person. 516 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,320 And because you're supposed to take new people to go and do 517 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,680 things, even though I was only, like, three or four months 518 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,680 over myself, and I was trying to do everything different. 519 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:30,840 And so I was-- 520 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,640 I had asked this new person to go to the aquarium with me. 521 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,760 And she and I were, like, arguing about God. 522 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,160 You know, she was adamant that God was not 523 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,800 worth it, that didn't exist. 524 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,400 And I was in this place of such self-doubt. 525 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:44,480 I was in doubt. 526 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,000 And it saved me, because I was like, I don't know. 527 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,800 These people say that we should believe in something. 528 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:50,360 I don't know. 529 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:51,580 Nothing's really worked for me. 530 00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:53,720 And she's just going on about how much she hates it. 531 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,960 And we keep having this argument with the aquarium. 532 00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,720 And, you know, I get to this tank. 533 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,840 And I know this story sounds really crazy, but, you know, 534 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:02,360 it happened. 535 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,840 And these are the things that happen to us that, like, 536 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,280 no one can take from us, right? 537 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,440 So I get to this tank. 538 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,520 And, like, she's just going off. 539 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,640 And we're just at this pinnacle of this argument. 540 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,040 And I can hardly take it anymore. 541 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,440 And so I'm staring in this tank, trying so hard to feed me fish. 542 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,520 And mind you, I still only have three months of sobriety. 543 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,960 So everything has to take me at the point, anyway. 544 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,680 And I don't see any fish in this tank. 545 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,920 All I see is just seaweed, seaweed, seaweed. 546 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,680 And I'm like, I paid this money. 547 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,680 I want to see where are the freaking fish. 548 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,600 And, you know, she's still barking at me. 549 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,720 So I'm looking even harder into this tank. 550 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,520 And then I get down on my knees. 551 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,600 I don't know why I was so determined to find the fish 552 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:39,600 in this tank, but I was. 553 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:40,880 So I get on my knees. 554 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,760 And then I look directly in the tank. 555 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:43,880 And then there's this thing. 556 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,040 I've never seen this before. 557 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,360 And it was the Weedy Sea Dragon. 558 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,480 And it was perfectly camouflaged by all of the seaweed. 559 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:50,720 That's why I couldn't see it. 560 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,040 It was so perfect in this environment 561 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,040 that I couldn't see it. 562 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,800 And then it just kind of hit me, this thought, right, 563 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,720 of like, and I don't think this way. 564 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,160 It was the thought of like, something had a plan in mind 565 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,400 and all this was created. 566 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,320 And then just this overwhelming sensation 567 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,800 of just like I had never felt came in, right. 568 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,720 And then I looked down at the bottom of the tank 569 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:12,080 and then there's like six more of them lined up, Eric. 570 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,040 You know, it was just this weirdest thing. 571 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,760 And today I can say like, 572 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,000 that was an actual spiritual experience for me 573 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,880 because I feel like I got the crack 574 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,480 and look behind the veil, right, the perfection. 575 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,800 Everything is created just as it should be. 576 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:28,080 You know, I didn't do anything to get to that point. 577 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,360 There's nothing that I could have done to have made it happen. 578 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,360 It just happened to me, that's God's fault. 579 00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,600 But it wasn't until 10 years of sobriety that I met a dude 580 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,800 who became my sponsor, who saved my life. 581 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,360 Because at 10 years of sobriety, I, yet again, owe myself. 582 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:43,320 I couldn't continue to do this thing 583 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,840 because I thought I was going crazy. 584 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,320 Everything that I had touched 585 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,840 just kind of broke one more time in sobriety, right. 586 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,080 And it was because I was doing my own employment. 587 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:55,720 And when he and I were in the book together talking about this, 588 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,560 it was one of those experiences where the big thing was just working. 589 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,280 Bill Wilson talks about that experience 590 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:01,560 when he's at the wind chest theater, 591 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,520 but it was much more than that. 592 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,840 And that experience came to mind for me, you know. 593 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,040 Like, yeah, I've never been so moved. 594 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,680 Like, everything's like back and forth. 595 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,440 That's your beginning, that feeling, right. 596 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,960 Knowing that there is perfection and you can't do it. 597 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,560 It just, and what a beautiful place to be, right. 598 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,400 Because I get to see it in existence all of the time. 599 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,120 And in that, like I've been able to feel comfortable 600 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:25,120 with anyone that I can't make happen, but just kind of happen. 601 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,760 And in that, I've just been led, 602 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,880 I've constantly been led down the road 603 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,040 in sobriety, in recovery, in life. 604 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,120 You know, things just keep happening 605 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,040 and I just keep showing life is enough, 606 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,760 but I have been given perfect tools to be able to navigate. 607 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:42,000 Inventory is not an easy or is it a fun process. 608 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,920 However, it is a life changing thing. 609 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,880 Through inventory, I've been able to do that, 610 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,120 like uncover, discover, discard, right. 611 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:52,160 Like look deeper into myself and into this world 612 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:53,840 and how I can be different. 613 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,240 Like I don't get to, like you have to know, right. 614 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,520 Like you have to know that there's a different way 615 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,200 to behave in order to be able to behave any differently. 616 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,560 And yet the irony of that too, 617 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:06,040 is that I can't make that happen myself either. 618 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,200 It's like, I have to get into a greater sort 619 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,800 in order for that to even happen. 620 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,040 Just like, I can't not drink on my own. 621 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,880 I have to know that I can't not do that. 622 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:14,720 Thank you. 623 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,720 I have to know that I can't not drink on my own 624 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,160 and I have to have that relationship with God 625 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,000 in order to keep me going, right. 626 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,520 There's just this weird irony that you have to know things 627 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,360 so it doesn't mean that you can do anything. 628 00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,960 And that's what keeps me really happy for being close 629 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,560 to depending on my relationship with God. 630 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,640 And it has taken so many devastating things in society 631 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,320 and so many absolutely tremendous things. 632 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:39,720 I have a wildly large life and you know, 633 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,680 one of the greatest things that in my life today 634 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,280 is that I get to help other people find this thing too. 635 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,160 I was a hope to die on top. 636 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,440 I literally only wanted to drink and die. 637 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:51,320 I found absolutely no other reason. 638 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:53,680 I made no point in the future of none, right. 639 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,600 'Cause I didn't find that it was going to be worth it. 640 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,920 In today, I plan all kinds and I think that it's all worth it. 641 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,080 I think that living to the fullest today 642 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,000 is one of the greatest things that you can do 643 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,760 and one of the greatest gratitude things 644 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:06,240 that you can do just for God, right. 645 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:07,560 You've been given life, live it. 646 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:08,760 Live it to its fullest. 647 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,280 And today I absolutely am trapped in that drama, 648 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,600 the trauma of am I going to drink, am I not? 649 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:15,840 That has been rewrote. 650 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:19,280 That dance has been removed from that and all that I can live 651 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,920 with a wider perspective than the Philly colors 652 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,400 which is something that I never understood before for today. 653 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,800 So thank you very much for letting me show up tonight 654 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,680 and I encourage anyone that is doubting themselves, 655 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,000 doubting ourselves, or any find somebody 656 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,040 that you could hear that has a solution 657 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,800 that can help you connect both.