1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,540
 Um, uh, my name is H Brown.

2
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 All I'm alcoholics.

3
00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:05,480
 Thank you guys for being here.

4
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 I do you guys out in the zoom lane and, um, and thank you for your sharing,

5
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:11,420
 sharing your honesty and your pain.

6
00:00:11,420 --> 00:00:15,260
 Um, so I'll just 24 99 is my sobriety.

7
00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:18,040
 And I always said, and I remember thinking this too, when it's like, you

8
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 know, hot out here in the Valley.

9
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 I remember thinking you just having grown up in the beach here in San Diego

10
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 and all that, that I knew I needed to get sober or, um, I knew I needed to

11
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 get sober or anybody you really want to get sober if you get so rock in the

12
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 summer line, you know, you'll notice like, uh, you know, one in China rooms

13
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 fill up and recover your homes, fill up because it's like the gig is up for the

14
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 season, you know, you find someplace warm.

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 It is anyway, but, um, I remember it was at the beach.

16
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 You could always find a, uh, like somebody with a beer or something.

17
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 Like, you know, you know, you're part of the local scene.

18
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 Someone can always, you'll always find somebody with a beer or

19
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 something or hangouts, whatever.

20
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 There's a party.

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 So it usually summertime was not the time, but so, um, but I remember, you

22
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 know, reaching my bottom and, and, and, and being, uh, I have to go through

23
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 an 80 man facility here in sun, sun Valley.

24
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 Uh, and, uh, we don't, we're walking to, uh, the softball across the street.

25
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 And, um, and this guy had like a tattoo of a 45 on his neck.

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 I mean, all these guys are tough guys that are from like prison and all that.

27
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 And I was like, what, what happened?

28
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 Like, what, what, what about, you know, I mean, this guy actually

29
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 turned out to be a nice guy.

30
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 All these guys are, you know, I learned a lot from it.

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 He humbled him because I always thought like, you know, these guys

32
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 are in prison from prison.

33
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 Whenever I went to college, you know, and whenever I was like one

34
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 neighborhood away from, you know, going up in the same world they were.

35
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 But I remember I learned a lot.

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 They humbled me because I learned that these guys, the guys had to survive

37
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 and then doing their time, whatever.

38
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 I learned a lot from bottom line.

39
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 I learned about addiction and it didn't matter.

40
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 You know, I've met some lawyers there that went down on crack, you know?

41
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 And, but anyways, you kind of backtrack to my story.

42
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 It's kind of like in thirds.

43
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 So the first third is living with my biological mother, kind of homelessness,

44
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 whole, you know, no food running from my abusive father, like that's a one third.

45
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 And the second third is a foster care.

46
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 And then the third is like college and then alcoholism kicking in and sobriety,

47
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 you know, so it's kind of, I think a bit like segment like that.

48
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 Um, basically when my mother, she came from, there's another country in Latin

49
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 America here and ran into, I guess my dad out here and he's like, you know,

50
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 a few generations in here and he was like, I didn't know he was an alcoholic.

51
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 You know, I just, cause I last saw him when I was three and that's beginning

52
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 when she took us from him and we just basically lived all over Los Angeles,

53
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 you know, and she was on the run from him.

54
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 Um, and she kept me out of school.

55
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 So I never almost didn't go to any elementary school, except for a couple

56
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 of days to get vaccinations in the early seventies, um, you know, and then,

57
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 uh, she was trying to keep, because she thought she was scared that he

58
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 was going to go snag me at the school.

59
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 So it was kind of a mixed blessing having not ever gone to elementary school.

60
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 And I'm a firm believer about this because my mom taught me two things.

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 She taught me, uh, like how to draw, she's going to have to draw ducks and rabbits,

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 like, uh, you know, Bart Simpson on the chalkboard and, and talking about God,

63
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 she didn't like me preach the Bible and I thought she was Catholic.

64
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 But, um, uh, you know, which I'm glad cause in many ways, my higher

65
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 power never had a problem with it.

66
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 Kind of saved me through a lot of my drinking, but, uh, you know, she would

67
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 cross this before he left the house and, uh, and then I remember a couple of times,

68
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 you know, there was no church on office.

69
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 She didn't say nothing.

70
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 He was more of an example human being.

71
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 Um, I remember going to the Catholic church a couple of times and, you know,

72
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 where she was just doing her little thing and I would be in there seeing

73
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 like Jesus on the cross and all that.

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 And I didn't know anything about everything surrounded.

75
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 I just thought like this guy looks like he's in pain.

76
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 There was still something powerful about it, you know?

77
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 So I understood as a child that, you know, she honors it.

78
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 I'm going to honor it, you know, and I just always kept this little private

79
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 thing with God, you know, growing up, you know, I was playing the canyon and doing

80
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 everything by myself because I wasn't in school, you know, and, um, and so, so then

81
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 I remember like, we're seeing a little pigeon, uh, that got run over, like a

82
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 cardio and it's still like barely breathing in its eye and all that.

83
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 I remember as a kid seeing, you know, seeing this and thinking, and this is

84
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 where I find I was blessed to have this experience because I knew that patients

85
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 didn't do anything to get run over, you know, like, like it wasn't its fault kind

86
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 of thing, it was like an event here on earth or whatever.

87
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 And, and, um, and, and that, but I knew that it was, it was, he was going to go

88
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 and be with God or something, you know, I kind of like made that sort of little

89
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 mental calculation, but I understood right then, like, this isn't about, you

90
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 know, like, Hey, God's supposed to protect us all or kind of a thing is I know a lot

91
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 of people come into, you know, AA or whatever bad life events happened to them

92
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 and they'll think that they naturally default to like, you know, why would God

93
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 let this happen?

94
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 And, and, you know, you could easily turn your weight into me as far as I'm

95
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 concerned.

96
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 And I almost had a close call relapse to Mr.

97
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 Brody is that, you know, you're not going to make it without God, a God

98
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 something, you know what I mean?

99
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 This is, there's, I'm just, that's my opinion.

100
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 Again, a lot of what I'm saying is what I've experienced and what I saw, you

101
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 know, um, I first came to AA in 92 by, you know, you know, suggesting of a

102
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 therapist and, um, there's not like I was trying the whole time until 99, but I was

103
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 trying to, you know, I met my ex-fiance in college and college and all that.

104
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 And I remember she liked this drunken artist, artist guy in class, but like,

105
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 once you start a date and all that, she's like, yeah, you need to quit.

106
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 You know, cause I, I, I started to act like an idiot, drunk and jealous and

107
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 fear and all that.

108
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 So that's began like trying to stay sober for someone else kind of thing.

109
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 Even I didn't really know at the time, you know, but, uh, you know, once we

110
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 kind of give time for three years, all the torment, and then she finally left.

111
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 And then I would, you know, go back out and like, forget that she's gone and

112
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 drink, drink, drink and geographic up here to become an animator or whatever.

113
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 I thought it was a, you know, change the world with my drawing.

114
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 Um, and then I would eventually like run out of steam up here.

115
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 Cause once you have AA in your knowledge, you can't like, you know, it's, you

116
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 drink, you'll drink twice as hard to kind of forget that, you know, you know what

117
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 you're doing is wrong kind of a thing.

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 And, um, um, and so anyway, so back, backtracking to my mom, like we were

119
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 kind of like all over LA and, and, and, and, you know, like hunger and just

120
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 open wondering what the heck she wasn't a drink or nothing, you know, she was,

121
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 there was no, I didn't see people jank or alter their minds when I was growing up

122
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 with, I mean, look around her, at least I just saw her kind of descending into

123
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 this hopelessness and she was not trying to take us down via San Diego to on some

124
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 bus, whatever, back to Central America, South America to our family.

125
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 Right.

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 And, um, and it was like, we were constantly on this, you know, there's

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 like shootings outside of that apartment where we're living and she like had

128
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 sneakers out the back window.

129
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 I mean, so I saw a lot of crazy stuff.

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 And when you're a kid, you don't have a long time as long, like an

131
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 hour's longer and all that.

132
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 So by the time I got into foster care, I mean, it's always, I was already set up

133
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 with this little surrealist, I mean, surreal tormenting little first segment

134
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 of my life, you know, that, you know, was going to contribute to like my,

135
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 you know, altering my mind.

136
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 Um, and, uh, okay.

137
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 So anyways, um, so she, you know, I, again, I didn't see her drink.

138
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 There was none of that going on.

139
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 There was all sorts of craziness.

140
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 And I remember one time she, uh, um, I don't know, she was trying to get some

141
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 help out in Santa Monica and, uh, uh, or something and we had like one way she

142
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 didn't have bus fare to come back or whatever we went and this happened a

143
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 couple of times and we lived like down there by Venice and La Cienega kind of

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 tough area.

145
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 And, uh, um, and like, I remember like we didn't have bus fare to get back.

146
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 And again, my mom wasn't a talker and explainer of stuff.

147
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 So I remember having to walk back in the coal, you know, torn clothes or whatever,

148
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 and seeing like green lights, the sidewalk, and just like, you know, are we

149
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 getting closer to home?

150
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 Are we getting closer to the next ring?

151
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 Like, no, no, no, no.

152
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 So I was in this kind of like already, like as a kid, you know, now my, my heart

153
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 always goes out to kids in war torn like countries and all that kind of stuff.

154
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 You know, when you, cause when you're a kid and you're going to things like this

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 and I imagine kids that see abuse and their father hitting them and their mom

156
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 and all that experience, the same thing, you're like a, you're, you're the mature

157
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 part of your adult psyche gets opened up when it shouldn't have been, you know

158
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 what I mean?

159
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 So you start to, you know, you get introduced to endurance and suffering and

160
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 you become what they, you know, you always had that term old soul and whatever.

161
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 I remember like going through all this and it's just kind of like, I know this

162
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 isn't what I'm supposed to be going through.

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 Like, you know, and you're a little kid in mind, you're making, I guess it was

164
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 pretty astute for, you know, my age.

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 I don't know, like I said, I think kids just mature when, when things like this

166
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 happened to them.

167
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 I remember when we got down to San Diego, eventually late seventies.

168
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 And, um, you know, right now we're like a motel room shelters or list, all this

169
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 kind of stuff, you know, having to check out 11 AM, you know, in the middle of your

170
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 favorite cartoon, you know, it's just all that kind of stuff.

171
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 And, uh, and you know, adults and whatever hearing stuff around you.

172
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 And I remember finally one night, uh, um, I guess somebody comes aware of us and

173
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 that we were in the school or whatever that they call the cops on us.

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 And for some reason we're walking around and like, you know, early in the morning,

175
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 right before the sound comes out, everything's kind of blue and dark still.

176
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 And two cop cars, like kind of come up, you know, the driveway in front of us.

177
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 We were walking and it was kind of not too much, right.

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 There was no houses around.

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 There was like, I remember there was a toy, so it was kind of weird, but the

180
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 cops came out and then female comes out, female police officer.

181
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 And they're like asking my mom, what are you doing?

182
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 And I'm just, I'm just going into this kind of like numb state.

183
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 Like w w you know, you know, the jig is up here, you know, I remember my anyway.

184
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 Uh, so then the, you know, the cops said, blah, blah, blah.

185
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 They do all this talking, whatever.

186
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 And they basically take her from us or, you know, separate us.

187
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 Cause they're going to put us in the receiving home, whatever, you know, they

188
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 put you in a receiving home before you go to foster care, set a court date, whatever.

189
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 I remember her collapsing and, uh, um, you know, like, you know, just falling apart,

190
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 crying, like, you know, uh, so it was not like I didn't know what to do.

191
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,720
 I was, I almost felt like, you know, I just was stunned and just kind of going with it.

192
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 And then that, that key event would be sort of like the thing that I remember

193
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 would come to haunt me as, as, as once foster care took over and everything got

194
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:54,760
 stabilized or three hot meals and whatever.

195
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 I had a great foster mom.

196
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 She got, uh, you know, I know the systems plagued the problems as a bad reputation.

197
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:05,400
 And, but I lucked out because I had this good, uh, mom and, and, and she, you

198
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:09,920
 know, uh, I would be with her from like 11 to 18, basically with one year hiatus.

199
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,720
 Cause of my little belligerence.

200
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,800
 But I remember like, you know, like I said, you know, when you're a kid, you

201
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,560
 have this nightmare event, you know, time, and then all of a sudden you're

202
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:21,840
 put in, you know, it was as a cul-de-sac street, you know, and she had her own

203
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:22,040
 money.

204
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,000
 Your husband had passed away in the aircraft landing at night and she never

205
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,200
 remarried and started to just kind of give her love to children.

206
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,800
 She would raise over like 30 kids or even more over time.

207
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,640
 And I remember she went to the white house to get a, like an award for

208
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,480
 service to the community and all that.

209
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,960
 And at her funeral, there was like hundreds of people.

210
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:45,760
 So I had good, you know, something saved me and injected, but it can

211
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,000
 never erase that.

212
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,280
 Like what happened?

213
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,840
 You know, the cops took my mom and I, you know, I was like a good looking kid.

214
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,520
 And the only reason why I mentioned that is like, when I've looked at annual

215
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,280
 school, annuals and all that kind of stuff, you know, in retrospect, I played

216
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,960
 football in high school, I would see like, that's not that person I see in

217
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,320
 there was not how I felt when I was in school.

218
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,320
 I was thinking this, you know, with the windows, like guys combing their hair,

219
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:11,000
 whatever, like, you know, people that were brought up healthy and they love

220
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:11,960
 themselves.

221
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:16,400
 I was like in this dichotomous world, like the one thing that always kept me

222
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,440
 sort of like being OK with myself was because I drew and the teacher would

223
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,440
 always show off my drawings and people kind of like, oh, you're cool.

224
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,720
 Like I had all R2D2 Star Wars figures wired.

225
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,440
 I got with chalk in the ground and went people's hearts out of the street, you

226
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,680
 know, when I got picked up because I was like a minority kid on my feet.

227
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,120
 These summer when I first moved in, they're like indication.

228
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,280
 You know, I was in the white neighborhood.

229
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:44,360
 My mom was like, and I remember like, you know, like, yeah, what I do to you?

230
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:45,840
 You know, I mean, I didn't understand this.

231
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,600
 I understand when you're not in elementary school, all growing up, there

232
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,480
 is no reference point.

233
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,120
 There is no little scraps you get into and you learn the hierarchy and all that

234
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:58,000
 crap. I came into that foster home like stone cold.

235
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,440
 I don't know how to interact with people.

236
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,120
 I don't know how to do the hide and go seek thing.

237
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,680
 But I kind of liked it because as a child, you want to interact with people,

238
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,560
 you know, but it's like when you're getting picked on out of the gate, I was

239
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,880
 kind of like, you know, what the hell?

240
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,400
 You know, so I remember I would draw like Boba Fett, like, you know, like who

241
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,640
 was Boba Fett? Who's this guy now?

242
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:14,720
 He's got it on the show.

243
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,280
 I remember that guy is like this dude, you know, barely showed up in the old

244
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:22,880
 Star Wars. But I remember drawing this X wing and all that kind of stuff on the

245
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,520
 sidewalk and like, you know, winning people's hearts over like that.

246
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,200
 But I was still in this little dichotomous world like, hey, you know, I got

247
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:34,320
 something unique about myself, but still this kind of like like I don't deserve

248
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,200
 or like what happened, you know, then it's not a thought.

249
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,720
 I don't know, like other people have dealt with like abandonment or whatever.

250
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,280
 It's like, you know, it's a it's a sensation for me.

251
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:46,440
 It was just like you have this little heavy, you know, kind of a thing like,

252
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:50,080
 you know, because you're seeing friends getting unconditional love and being

253
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,200
 around, you know, whatever.

254
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:55,680
 You see other kids getting stable house and they're laughing about stuff that

255
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:59,200
 they're present, basically, you know, they're you know, and you're kind of

256
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,000
 like, OK, I'm here with them and I'm laughing along with them.

257
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,400
 But there's this kind of thing in the background like, you know, what's going on?

258
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,720
 Because again, they didn't see me like alcohol.

259
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,720
 I did make friends with this one guy.

260
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,440
 You know, there was a Hispanic kid that was adopted.

261
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,560
 And I remember like his family, you know, the first time I was ever exposed

262
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:20,360
 to kind of like this world of like like drinking, because I remember his dad

263
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,880
 coming home the first time I saw this, like he was a jolly guy,

264
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,480
 you know, nearly retired Air Force came home one Friday night

265
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:31,760
 and he had like this big flat of cardboard flat of Budweiser's.

266
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,280
 And a carton of Pall Mall.

267
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,840
 Like he came out of his car like, I'm done with the week.

268
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,040
 And he had that like, look, I'm done.

269
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:42,800
 I'm like, you know, I was looking at him like and he had that beer.

270
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,600
 And it was like, you know, I didn't think anything of it.

271
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,880
 But I thought, wow, that's there's no groceries or nothing.

272
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:49,640
 But that's what he had.

273
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:53,320
 And and then his mom was there like she's watching her novellas

274
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,160
 and laundry all week, you know, everything seemed normal.

275
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:59,800
 And next day, after I did my chores, I went over to his house to visit.

276
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,640
 I remember walking in the house and his mom had like her eyeliner

277
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,680
 running down and she had the little pinky out Budweiser in the Pall Mall.

278
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,840
 And and she's looking at me like crying like, I love you.

279
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,160
 You know, I love you like my son.

280
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,880
 And I was in shock, like, wait, what's going on here?

281
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,320
 Like I didn't you know, I never saw that.

282
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,320
 You know, you guys see in movies as the drunk guy walking around, whatever,

283
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:25,000
 but I never saw the Jekyll and Hyde different persona thing like, oh,

284
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,080
 that's what alcohol does.

285
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,720
 And I'm like, you know, oh, you know, this lady was making

286
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,200
 a peanut butter sandwich midweek.

287
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,520
 And now she's crying, you know, like that she loves me.

288
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,760
 And and and I remember I was like looking for my friend and his dad.

289
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,720
 And I went around the corner of the kitchen table

290
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,720
 and his dad was going to sit there smiling with his beer.

291
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,640
 And he's like, you know, like, ignore her.

292
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:50,400
 And my dad or my friends was like kind of like, you know, she's crazy, man.

293
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,480
 Just ignore her. I'm like, should we help her?

294
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,600
 And, you know, I was like, let's get some ice cream, you know, my friend.

295
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,720
 And and and I'm like, that was like my first introduction, like, whoa,

296
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,680
 like this is people on the weekend.

297
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:05,320
 They do this kind of thing or like, you know, something changes and people.

298
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:10,600
 And so, like I said, strict foster home, great mom.

299
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,440
 Like there was no way I would ever be able to drink, you know?

300
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,000
 Yeah, I'll be able to drink.

301
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,360
 And like, you know, she'd smell it just by the way.

302
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,400
 Another thing that was kind of interesting

303
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,760
 that happened at the house the very first night, I was going to ask

304
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:25,080
 that everything was introductions, dinner, kind of go to sleep that night.

305
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,240
 There it was lining up in front of a little lady,

306
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,840
 which she was sitting and all of a sudden I guess I follow suit

307
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:32,920
 and lined up behind them.

308
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,880
 And then what they were doing was kissing her good night.

309
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,880
 And I remember like by the time it was my turn, I'm like looking down at this woman

310
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:41,280
 like I'm supposed to kiss somebody like I'm glad I had a household down,

311
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,920
 you know, food, but like now I'm not going to kiss my mom.

312
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,360
 I don't think I even kiss my own mom in the lips.

313
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:49,040
 You know, I don't remember, you know, like I was kind of like king.

314
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,560
 And and so I remember her looking up at me and saying, you know what?

315
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,120
 I'm not here to replace your mom.

316
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,760
 But here we kiss each other good night and we tell each other we love each other.

317
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:58,760
 And she taught me that.

318
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:03,160
 You know, she taught me like you imagine like like a surrogate duckling mom,

319
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,800
 you know, giving, you know, some little straight duck, you know, some worm.

320
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,400
 It was like it was exactly like that.

321
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,720
 I was like, OK, I'm just going to like fake it till I make it.

322
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,200
 And that's where I learned, you know, like like kind of like,

323
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:17,320
 you know, puberty or whatever, when you become cognizant in the world.

324
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:18,680
 She taught me it.

325
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,600
 She taught me like like like a mom.

326
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,160
 So so anyway, yeah, time flies.

327
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:28,840
 Anyways, so like I mean, I would go through the whole little nine yards,

328
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,680
 like my first junior high.

329
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,120
 You know, everybody's is the Navy town, San Diego.

330
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,040
 So I remember we went to the 7-Eleven and then,

331
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,000
 you know, got the Navy guys to buy his beard.

332
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,600
 I remember stuff in my pockets with these Miller highlights

333
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,440
 and going to this party and that, you know, the backyard music is going on.

334
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,120
 And next thing I know, I'm making out with a girl on one of the lawn chairs.

335
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,760
 I'm like, whoa, OK, that's it's like Pavlov.

336
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,920
 You're like, OK, this you do this.

337
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:55,280
 You finally kiss a girl was a fantasy, but alcohol just happened.

338
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,080
 And I'm with a girl.

339
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,880
 And and so naturally, that's how we're live exposure,

340
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,680
 seeing my friends while I'm drinking, you're going to parties.

341
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,600
 You know, you know, football came around, I mean, winning team.

342
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,440
 I worked hard. I was starting varsity.

343
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,480
 I remember I remember like wanting to do it when I wasn't allowed to play

344
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,680
 or go to the games on Friday nights in junior high.

345
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,000
 But I remember like I'm like, I want to like do that thing, you know, like

346
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,280
 and then finally like getting a letter in his jacket.

347
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,280
 And I'm on the football team, you know, pumping iron and like deal,

348
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,760
 kind of like I don't I don't feel I always thought like when I get to that

349
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,480
 letterman's jacket, when I get that, everything is going to be cool.

350
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:32,040
 You know, the shirt off, you know, I get the letterman's jacket and everything.

351
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,320
 And I'm like, you know, I don't really know how to ask girls out kind of a thing.

352
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,520
 And just whatever. Like I said, it's a good looking dude.

353
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,360
 I'm like feeling like shit.

354
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,640
 I mean, excuse me, it's like, man, whatever you do.

355
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:46,000
 Oh, but I'm so. So, yeah, I was kind of like, you know, so only it was,

356
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:51,080
 you know, I got accepted to apply to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo of engineering

357
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,280
 and got it in their school I applied to.

358
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,080
 And I remember like my scene, my scene halfway,

359
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,680
 my halfway my senior year in high school.

360
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,640
 I like I was like itching to get out of the home.

361
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:01,960
 My mom loved me. No problem.

362
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:05,560
 And then I remember picking an argument with her on my birthday.

363
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:10,360
 You know, the county still pays for you to finish school, high school,

364
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,600
 like if you stay.

365
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,680
 And I remember like turning it was agreed that I was going to stay

366
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,280
 till I graduate and I was like, oh, man, I want to go.

367
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:21,200
 I'm like, whatever this partying thing is that, you know, I get girls

368
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,240
 when I drink, I can't do it in this household is too strict.

369
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:25,920
 You know, all this stuff was going on in my head.

370
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,080
 So I like I started a fight with her argument.

371
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,280
 And I'm like, you overlord me.

372
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,280
 You know, I knew what I was doing.

373
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:32,520
 So I'm like, I'm leaving now.

374
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,520
 You know, I remember crying, you know, and all that.

375
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,960
 And I don't want to go stay with one of my football buddies

376
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,640
 and another punk rock friend of mine.

377
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:42,720
 And that summer, that summer, I mean,

378
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,840
 that summer with the second half of my senior year, I had my oh,

379
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,440
 I got my ball bug with my work money I've earned and like living

380
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,360
 at my friend's house, already accepted the cause everything was set.

381
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:55,120
 And you could sign yourself out of your 18 years old high school.

382
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,120
 And I would go home.

383
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:59,920
 I would go to his house and do bonds and I come back to fifth period.

384
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:03,000
 Humanities class like like just hide him.

385
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,920
 And to me, I was when I would get high.

386
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,560
 I was trying to hide and break off the other side, like Jim Morrison.

387
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,480
 I remember reading a book that no one gets out alive by him.

388
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,600
 I was interested in the mind expanding.

389
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,160
 I wasn't interested in being like a,

390
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,520
 you know, like stealing out Spicoli from you know what I mean?

391
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:18,920
 I was like looking dumb.

392
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,880
 I actually hung out with surfers and all that.

393
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,360
 And a lot of the group I was like, what's that talking about?

394
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:26,280
 Like they told me learn me how to play music while you're sleeping.

395
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,200
 And they would look at me like, dude, shut up.

396
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,640
 You know, with the little suntan lotion on the nose like that.

397
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,760
 You're going to go crazy thinking like that.

398
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,000
 You know, because they were just into being there.

399
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,000
 I was like, you know, like mind expanding crap, mean stuff.

400
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,000
 So anyways, I remember my fifth period in humanities class.

401
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,320
 It was like, you know, we were talking about music and all that.

402
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,960
 And it was perfect because I was high and I could talk in class and share.

403
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:51,800
 And and the teacher, he had he walked by me one day because he liked it.

404
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,600
 The fact that I would say he gave me a photocopy of

405
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:58,760
 Abraham Maslow's theory of hierarchy needs.

406
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:01,080
 You know, this thing about self actualization.

407
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,960
 And just to me, you just remember he passed it to me.

408
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,560
 And like he winked at me and he kept talking.

409
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:07,720
 And I'm like, what is it?

410
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,000
 And he goes and he's like, oh, he's telling me that guy.

411
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:14,360
 You know, she's saying that, you know, you're smart like you keep doing what you do.

412
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:18,200
 And like, you know, you got knowledge, kid, you know, in the wink of the eye.

413
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,960
 And I remember that was like inadvertently kind of to me,

414
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,120
 it was the biggest co-star, like, yeah, this is where you go.

415
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:25,680
 This is, you know, like it was one of those things.

416
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:26,960
 And that happened a few times.

417
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,440
 And I'm trying to get, you know, why this thing up is that a lot of that thing,

418
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,360
 like the adult world around me sort of would do things that kind of like,

419
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:36,120
 you know, because I was all intellectual, a young kid.

420
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,320
 They would say like, you know, you know, you're doing what you're doing.

421
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:43,280
 And they didn't know like I was high on something and, you know, digging it.

422
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:44,960
 So I automatically combined the two.

423
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,760
 And I went off to college and started when I party just kicked in.

424
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,840
 You know, when I left the foster home, like you're on your own,

425
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:51,720
 you don't get to come back.

426
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:52,240
 There's no coming.

427
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:56,360
 That's when I went into shock about like, I don't have a home after my first year

428
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,240
 and the money, the grant money and all that.

429
00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,280
 That was like, there's nothing.

430
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,680
 I mean, I was flapping in the wind, like, like, what am I going to do?

431
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,120
 Like, I was like scared.

432
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:08,600
 That's when fear kicked in, you know, and like, you know, like, what are you know,

433
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,680
 that that feels like you're in life.

434
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,920
 And it isn't remember like, you know, alcohol teams to kind of like

435
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:15,240
 kind of mellow the sound.

436
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,240
 And there's a lot of stuff that happened or whatever that I can't really cover.

437
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:19,360
 But that's what I kind of do.

438
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,960
 Once I was on my own in life, whatever, there was no thanksgivings.

439
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,240
 People to come home to and say, how are you doing in life?

440
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,400
 You know, parent figures.

441
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,360
 So I was just like off to the races, drinking and altering my mind.

442
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:32,480
 But I learned one of my foot, the football coach,

443
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,600
 some plumber came to the football coach after I left.

444
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,840
 You know, you know, after I left the foster home, looking to have somebody

445
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,040
 to dig, dig ditches for him or whatever.

446
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:45,120
 And so I learned plumbing like out of high school, plumbing, electrical.

447
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:49,280
 And I remember, you know, I went to live with that plumbing family in my 20s.

448
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,160
 And they were like bohemian intellectual professor types.

449
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,600
 And they had gin and wine and everything.

450
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:55,840
 And I moved in at 19.

451
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,400
 And I remember that's when it really started,

452
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,120
 because I could be around adults and talk intellectually.

453
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,400
 And they were again, they were praising me because I was, you know,

454
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,960
 I had a high IQ, so I could like talk with the adults and stuff.

455
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,640
 And it was that whole little encouraging, praising our drink.

456
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,400
 And that would have my morning drink there and, you know, like go downhill.

457
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,400
 And and, you know, I remember that morning drink, you know,

458
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,720
 like more of Jim Morris instead, like woke up this morning, had myself a beer.

459
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,840
 I remember hearing that as a kid, like, you know, it's disgusting, man.

460
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,640
 The mornings for cereal, you know, like cartoons and stuff.

461
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,440
 And when I heard that, like that's gross.

462
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,120
 I had a beer. I tried a beer when I was a kid.

463
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,920
 It was like raspiest thing I ever had. I'm like, what is it with you guys?

464
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,960
 Like, this is garbage, you know.

465
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,280
 It's in the Hawaiian punch, orange juice and milk, you know.

466
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,720
 And no, it's still to this day, I think people are pissed when they're like,

467
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,440
 you know, this wine goes with this good with this fish.

468
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,840
 That's a raspy man.

469
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,640
 You're drinking it for the buzz or whatever.

470
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,200
 You know, you can pay a couple hundred extra dollars for that wine.

471
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,880
 It's like so. Yeah.

472
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,000
 So anyway, it's a heavy duty drinking, blah, blah, blah.

473
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,400
 And then just fast forward, find my therapist.

474
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,480
 It's one thing my foster mom got us all kids into.

475
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:00,840
 It was in the therapy.

476
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:02,440
 So I developed that habit early on.

477
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,200
 I remember my 20s, early 20s,

478
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,040
 like, you know, things are going right with dating and all this and that, whatever.

479
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:11,040
 And and I remember, you know, her I went on walking to her office

480
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,760
 for the first time when I started doing work with her.

481
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,680
 And I was like skateboarding long hair, you know, showered in.

482
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:19,160
 And at this point, alcohol is coming out of my pores and she's like, looks at me

483
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,520
 and goes, don't you ever come to my office like that again?

484
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:26,000
 It was the first times in adulthood that somebody said, you know, check me,

485
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,000
 you know, like, whoa, you know, I need this lady.

486
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,320
 You know, and what do I got to correct?

487
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,640
 So I mean, I would make the effort not to come to our office,

488
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,080
 you know, mints and not be drinking before I saw her.

489
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:39,960
 But she was the first one to say, you know, my other clients go to the AA.

490
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:41,400
 And I'm like, what is AA?

491
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,880
 You know, like, you know, and it's like, you know, it's like Janet Craig.

492
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,480
 I was joking about like Janet Craig before I was like, but I remember

493
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:50,320
 that was the first thing I ever heard of where people sit in a circle and talk.

494
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:54,160
 And but yeah, I remember going to my first meeting like I'm under 30 days.

495
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,560
 Yeah, give me a book. Yeah.

496
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,840
 You know, money saved them back was in college.

497
00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,280
 And I'm like, I'm doing this thing.

498
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,320
 And I did a clunky year from 19 to 93 and went out again, whatever my ex.

499
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,520
 And she, you know, and she's like, and I love you, but you got to stop.

500
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:09,400
 And I'm like, I'm going to stop for her living in a halfway home.

501
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,160
 And, you know, so I was smoking my GPC, just cigarettes.

502
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,720
 It was the Londo Club a couple of blocks that way.

503
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,800
 You know, her house seven blocks away

504
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,320
 and a pay phone with a bunch of dimes for her to hang up on me when I'm yelling.

505
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,720
 And then I'm punched in the wall and I'm going to go drink with my buddies,

506
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,440
 you know, trying to stay sober for someone else.

507
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,560
 Finally, she leaves, you know, I mean, she must have got an army

508
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,920
 because she moved out one day, like completely gone.

509
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,200
 And I'm like, well, thank you for getting to the window.

510
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,120
 Like she's gone. And that's why it's good.

511
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:37,200
 I'm going to drink and it went out after nine months.

512
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,600
 And then I that I that's when I just came up, moved up here

513
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,520
 and and then live in a CD hotel, Hollywood or Western.

514
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,640
 I could see the Capitol Records building from the roof and like I arrived.

515
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,080
 They won't be an animator.

516
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,400
 And then and then, you know, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk working at film labs,

517
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,840
 you know, just going to the bottom.

518
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:55,520
 And then and then and then funny.

519
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:59,080
 I knew the drill on a meeting at Yucca Street and met my sponsor there.

520
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,680
 He spoke, you know, his junior high school teacher, the ex heroin addict,

521
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,440
 just had the right philosophy. I need it.

522
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:07,760
 He started me. I got 114 days, worked on my first film.

523
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,240
 And, you know, just working, you know, whatever.

524
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,520
 Well, to become a director and all this kind of delusional stuff.

525
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,920
 But anyways, I remember working my first film, like, yeah, thank you, God.

526
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,600
 So this is what surviving gets you.

527
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:22,880
 Shaky, shaky program within a, you know, I was out there.

528
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,640
 We got I remember I was in the desert working on the film

529
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,680
 and I got a call pager the same thing like I got up and was calling.

530
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,920
 He told me this late guy was staying with because every guy kicked out,

531
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,680
 you know, because they got accused.

532
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,000
 They got we got accused of stealing some from some lady in this building

533
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,640
 that he managed and they found out the sons did it later or whatever.

534
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,120
 I was kind of like I was in that shaky beginning with no like call your sponsor

535
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,920
 first instead of I was like, give me all this good stuff.

536
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,480
 So I did a little bit of that, you know, like, God, why are you doing this?

537
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:52,760
 You know, I remember like, you know, gave me a movie to work on.

538
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:53,800
 And then this happens.

539
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:54,640
 I was all scared.

540
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,320
 And so, I mean, I didn't drink right away, but it was like a matter of time.

541
00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,920
 I want to relax one of my last run and then for like a month or two.

542
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,200
 And, you know, just did it.

543
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,720
 I mean, at that point, you're like, well, well, well, well,

544
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:08,000
 you know, going to some dive bar in Imperial Valley, like,

545
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,320
 you know what I'm going to do in life?

546
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,720
 And people are like, you know, get out of here.

547
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:15,240
 We can tell, you know, you're so empty and lying that people can see

548
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,000
 even a total stranger, you know, the lower companion types.

549
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,840
 But anyway, I remember that's when I turned myself into the treatment center

550
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:23,400
 and that's began my journey.

551
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:27,160
 And then, you know, the first thing I realized is fine meetings,

552
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,720
 his sponsorship, and I treated this like all I just started writing

553
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,960
 and doing everything and like, you know, it was over.

554
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:37,120
 I mean, there was no it was like I kept thinking about my foster mom,

555
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:39,280
 like, you know, like she did what you're doing all this.

556
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,760
 It was a waste like this is like spit on her grave.

557
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,640
 You know, she passed away when I was, you know, drinking.

558
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,360
 And I left a lot on a bad note, actually went to see her in my 23rd.

559
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,920
 My drink and I was in this affair with this lady.

560
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,480
 You know, it's like so idiot, like a 22, you know.

561
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,000
 And and I remember like wanting to come see her.

562
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,520
 And she goes, you can come and stay a couple, but you can't drink here.

563
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:02,200
 And I remember I drank that night when I was staying with her visiting

564
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,400
 and she goes, get out of here.

565
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,680
 And I remember I first had her walk out of the driver and see her again.

566
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:08,800
 And I would find out a couple years later as she passed away.

567
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,960
 And I was, you know, like more like drinking to the guilt.

568
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,760
 And but I remember like when I had to finally get sober.

569
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:20,400
 Yeah, I had to like I think of her like, you know, you've been getting tools.

570
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:21,840
 You know, you've been doing candid stuff.

571
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,480
 There's no, you know, better.

572
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:26,000
 You know, there's no there's no, you know, you can't.

573
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,960
 I mean, it's just whatever you're going, it's going down a hill.

574
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:30,840
 And so I mean, I began like scared.

575
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,040
 I went to the treatment center and I remember, you know, so whatever.

576
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,840
 I guess I'm not going to be able to tell you about the almost relapse.

577
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,000
 But I mean, I'm searching, I can place and blah, blah, blah.

578
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,280
 And meetings. The first thing goes meetings.

579
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,840
 I remember listening to panels that came in the recovery home.

580
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:47,080
 And and I got to go to a 25 after me. OK, OK.

581
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,560
 So, yeah, so I remember. Yeah. So I said.

582
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:53,520
 So anyways, I remember the panels came in because I was

583
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:55,280
 I mean, I was like, OK, how do I do this?

584
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,760
 You know, I'm looking at the panels and doing everything right.

585
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,000
 Like whatever you need me to do, I paid attention.

586
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:03,920
 People that had time lost it because they stopped going to meetings

587
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:06,720
 and the people that kept it because they came down to me.

588
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,840
 So my first early year, I had that little book and it's all delivering stuff

589
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:13,400
 for the TV industry, El Segundo, Pasadena, everywhere.

590
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,960
 And I remember I was like, you know, road, you know, OK, get out of the car.

591
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:18,160
 You got to get that meeting.

592
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,960
 I would find it. Thomas Guy, you know, like, you know, where's this meeting?

593
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,880
 You know, and and no, trust me, I was like, oh, I've made a lot of friends

594
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,360
 in remote places at meetings because I would just go in there

595
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:32,160
 late at night when I was, you know, before going home until I get that meeting.

596
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:33,840
 And so that's the whole thing.

597
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:35,840
 And then when I almost drank, that's when I went,

598
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,760
 you know, living up in the Hollywood Hills.

599
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:41,080
 I had a friend build an Airbnb with a plumbing and electric skills,

600
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,000
 never coming down and dealing with the stress of L.A. traffic

601
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:45,680
 that would push me to a meeting.

602
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:47,960
 And it just I didn't know it was just little by little.

603
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:49,400
 And also some bad stuff happened.

604
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,480
 This guy came in and started smoking weed when it got legalized,

605
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:53,560
 you know, a few years back.

606
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,080
 And I remember like I scared him because I got mad at him

607
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,400
 because he was trying to make me do too much work and I was tired

608
00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,880
 and he kicked me out of there.

609
00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:02,000
 So I was like, again, back in shock, like, what do I do?

610
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,320
 And I was so mad.

611
00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:07,480
 Like, I'm like, I'm doing everything right here and I'm still suffering.

612
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:12,280
 Why this is this at least with a buzz is you suffer a little less.

613
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,240
 My mind went there really fast.

614
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,080
 They were like, hey, 13 years sober.

615
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:19,240
 And they were like that was feeling like giddy, scared, like, you know,

616
00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:20,960
 like coming to go out, at least, you know,

617
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,320
 I'll be able to feel that good serotonin release for four.

618
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:24,800
 You know what I mean?

619
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,720
 Where you can kind of control it, like whatever your stuff is,

620
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:29,920
 you know, like you're at least I can kind of control it.

621
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:30,440
 You know, get it.

622
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,360
 I know it's going to happen the next couple of hours, listen to music.

623
00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:37,280
 And then, you know, then you can't hold a job.

624
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,360
 You know, it's like whatever, you know, those.

625
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,400
 But you're not thinking about that one about the relapse.

626
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,560
 Sponsored, answered, and she could never answer after nine.

627
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:49,000
 Now you're always in bed and just under God's shells like in Brentwood outside.

628
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,120
 It's funny that my second sponsor was like Pacific group.

629
00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:55,520
 So I knew the meetings at the San Vicente, at that church and money or whatever.

630
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,280
 But I remember sitting outside there in the dark, angry like, you know,

631
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:01,560
 when I call them and I'm like, yeah, you know, you always wait,

632
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,240
 you know, wait two days to answer back.

633
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:06,280
 You know, what if I was having a drink at a bar or about you?

634
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,000
 And he's just like, hey, I can't talk to you.

635
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:10,160
 You're yelling at me.

636
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:13,800
 And I like and then it's like, yeah, I get you kind of stopping my tracks with that.

637
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:16,320
 I remember you started saying, when's the last time you talked to God?

638
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:19,160
 You know, and he was right, because I was always, you know, like I prayed,

639
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,680
 but I was just getting like procedure like it to the point where I'm like,

640
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,240
 you know, I didn't say, look, God, I'm scared right now.

641
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:26,960
 You know, like I'm used to like talking like you're talking to somebody.

642
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,560
 Trust me, that words like if you do it like that and just throwing yourself

643
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:34,240
 to whatever you believe in when you're scared and in a pinch,

644
00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:38,200
 I guarantee you're going to get an answer, you know, without fail.

645
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:40,720
 And then I felt emasculated for a couple of years.

646
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:41,760
 I thought I was going to be able to let this

647
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,800
 little almost relapse fade and not bring it up again.

648
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:46,560
 But it became part of my story.

649
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,800
 You know, it's like it was it was like, I'm telling you, I feel emasculate.

650
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:52,560
 I see people in two to three years, one doing the rah, rah, rah.

651
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:56,360
 And I'd be like kind of scared and jealous and angry for a long time.

652
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,320
 I'd be like, I want that spirit back.

653
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:01,080
 And I would, you know, it was like a sad, but I fought for it back.

654
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:05,040
 I fought for doing this and, you know, just I didn't know how I was going to get it.

655
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,240
 And I never got back to that place.

656
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,120
 I think, you know, so the bottom line, that's what this is,

657
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:11,480
 what this is about, what I'm doing here right now.

658
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:14,920
 I'm telling you, like I relished it when she charged me into doing this.

659
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:17,480
 I said, yeah, you know, no, no.

660
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:21,120
 I was like, she came out like, OK, I'll do it.

661
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:22,840
 No, no. And I just bought this Monday.

662
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:24,560
 You know, this isn't me.

663
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,440
 You know, it hasn't been tailored yet.

664
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,360
 Like he's like the eight day turnaround, like I'm wearing it the way it is.

665
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:33,080
 Thank you. You know, trust that I work in the TV.

666
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:35,160
 And it's like Bermuda Shore.

667
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:38,360
 You come to an interview in the TV industry with a certain kind of like next.

668
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,360
 I mean, not below the line people.

669
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:42,320
 So anyway, that's it.

670
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:44,400
 You know, I'm grateful for you guys doing land.

671
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,240
 And just thank you, you know, from the bottom of my heart.

672
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,440
 That's it. Good night, ladies.