1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,840 - Thank you everyone. 2 00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:02,760 My name is Annie and I'm definitely an alcoholic. 3 00:00:02,760 --> 00:00:04,240 - Hi, indeed. 4 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:05,240 - Thank you so much, Karen, 5 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:07,260 for giving me an opportunity to come 6 00:00:07,260 --> 00:00:09,720 and give you guys a piece of who I am. 7 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,400 Usually we start with how it was, 8 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,600 but I don't want to start there today. 9 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,300 I want to share how it is today, you know? 10 00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:17,640 And today I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 11 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:20,520 I have a sobriety date of September 23rd, 2018, 12 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:21,400 and I have a sponsor. 13 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:22,360 Her name is Patrice, 14 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,320 and she has a sobriety date of January 9th, 1979. 15 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,880 And to me, it's always very important to bring her 16 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,880 into my shares or every much thing that I do, 17 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:33,720 because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. 18 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,280 She chose not to drink in 1979, 19 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,680 and in 2018, I chose not to have a drink. 20 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,440 So if she wouldn't be here, 21 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,760 there would be a possibility that I wouldn't be here. 22 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:43,900 And for that, I am grateful. 23 00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,880 She's taught me how to be a woman 24 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,520 and walk around with dignity and grace. 25 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,520 You know, she constantly reminds me 26 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,800 that we took the third step in her car. 27 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,680 And I think I'm gonna get like a bumper sticker 28 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,500 or something like that, 29 00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,680 because every time I call her with a problem, 30 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,720 she's like, honey, we took that third step in my car. 31 00:00:58,720 --> 00:00:59,560 Do you remember? 32 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,280 We took the third step, so it's one, two, and three always. 33 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,220 You know, I don't work a perfect program. 34 00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:07,320 You know, I am very nutty inside my head most of the time, 35 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,500 but today I get an opportunity to like, you know, 36 00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:11,180 redirect myself when I can. 37 00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:12,420 You know, I don't sit here and act 38 00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,000 like I'm this perfect person, 'cause I'm not. 39 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,400 I'm very, so far away from being perfect, 40 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,800 even though I try to aim to be perfect, 41 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,960 but there's no such thing that's an illusion. 42 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,340 You know, I've done a lot of things since I got sober. 43 00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:25,720 You know, I've been able to be a better mother, 44 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:26,620 you know, a better daughter. 45 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,880 You know, my mother sleeps well because I am sober. 46 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,840 You know, I am the glue that keeps my family together. 47 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,120 I am a single mother of four, two of who I gave birth to 48 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,880 and two who I didn't, but they're my children. 49 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,080 I have custody of both of my nieces 50 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,160 because my sister's doing 21 years in prison 51 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,800 because of this disease, you know. 52 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,740 I come from a background of alcoholism and institutions, 53 00:01:48,740 --> 00:01:50,760 which are incarcerations. 54 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:51,760 And a lot of the time, you know, 55 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:55,060 I speak about my family because it's a family disease. 56 00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:56,720 You know, it's not just me drinking, 57 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,400 they're being affected by it. 58 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,960 You know, it's just a whole ripple effect 59 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,560 in every way, shape, and form. 60 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,080 You know, all my siblings and I, 61 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,520 you know, we're all alcoholic addicts. 62 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:09,700 You know, my parents are not. 63 00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:11,700 My parents, you know, they have their own issues, 64 00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:13,040 but they never drank, they never used, 65 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:14,180 they never abused anything. 66 00:02:14,180 --> 00:02:17,080 But I remind my mother especially that, you know, 67 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:20,080 it trickles and I remind her to look at her family 68 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,280 and the way that her brothers live 69 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:25,200 and there's definitely chronic alcoholism 70 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,560 amongst a lot of members of my family. 71 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,400 And, you know, I've done a lot of things. 72 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,160 I'm definitely embedded in service. 73 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,840 H&I is a big part of my sobriety. 74 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,080 It's the highlight of my whole recovery, honestly. 75 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:42,000 When I go to H&I meetings, like, I get filled beyond, 76 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,520 you know, I'm treasury of H&I, you know. 77 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,880 I have my own panels, I'm of service in the convention 78 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,160 and I love the convention. 79 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,280 It's just something that I look forward to every year. 80 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,400 It's like going to Palm Springs when you used to drink 81 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,760 and do all kinds of stuff. 82 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,520 But today I look forward to that weekend 83 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,200 of going to the convention and staying up late 84 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,480 and doing all these things. 85 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:05,240 And I've been able to find amazing friendships in the rooms. 86 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,640 You know, I've never had a problem with finding friendships, 87 00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,680 but those friendships that I'm able to trust. 88 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,360 You know, I have a lot of trusting issues that I live with 89 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,280 that I'm currently still trying to work on, 90 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,120 but, you know, they're definitely good. 91 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,080 You know, this is a really good year for me. 92 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,520 You know, in three months I'm going to graduate 93 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,920 with my master's degree and it's a big deal. 94 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,200 You know, I'm first generation in my family, you know, 95 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,360 to even think about having a future today. 96 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,360 I get to have the dreams of owning my own home. 97 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,280 I get the dreams of, you know, more than the basic needs, 98 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,440 right, the American dream. 99 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,280 Is that what it's called? 100 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,880 You know, I come from immigrant parents 101 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:36,440 who migrated here from Guatemala 102 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,120 and I have to be a little bit better than them. 103 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,760 And that's what I pass on to my children. 104 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:42,840 I tell my son, you have to be better than me. 105 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,120 I gotta be better than grandparents. 106 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,280 Your kids are gonna be better than you. 107 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:46,480 And that's how we start breaking 108 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,080 these generational curses, right? 109 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,680 Because I don't wanna live. 110 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:50,960 Like, I don't want to just survive. 111 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:51,880 I wanna live. 112 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,360 You know, I wanna be able to get up and go, 113 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,880 but through that comes a lot of struggle. 114 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,520 You know, there's been a lot of pain in my life 115 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,800 that I had to work through, but through pain comes growth. 116 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,680 And I have grown in this time that I've been sober. 117 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:04,840 You know, I am grateful that I am an alcoholic 118 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,600 because I get to be the woman I am today. 119 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,520 You know, I'm raising kids in sobriety. 120 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:09,800 You know, my kids don't have to worry 121 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,120 about their mother driving drunk. 122 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,080 My kids don't have to worry about mom 123 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,320 missing events or whatnot, you know, 124 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,280 but I wasn't that type of mom anyways. 125 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,400 And I think that's what made me even more dangerous. 126 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,600 I wasn't, what do you call it, a functioning alcoholic. 127 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:23,680 I was still going to school. 128 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,360 I was still taking care of my kids. 129 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:26,280 I wouldn't drive a truck. 130 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:27,400 I wouldn't do all these things. 131 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,400 So in my mind, I didn't believe I had a problem. 132 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:34,040 But in reality, I was just trying to numb what I felt inside. 133 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,360 And I've never had a problem. 134 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,440 Like, I was never in denial of what I was. 135 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,800 I do believe I was born an alcoholic, 136 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:40,920 but I just wasn't ready. 137 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,080 Like, I wasn't there yet. 138 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,720 And I feel that, you know, everybody gets a number call. 139 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,640 Then when that number's called and it's your number, 140 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:48,560 then you have a good chance. 141 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:49,400 And that's how I feel. 142 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,000 I feel if I would've came into the rooms 143 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,920 before my number was called, I would not have stayed. 144 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,400 And I stay because I don't want to take that welcome chip. 145 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,240 That my ego is so big that I'm like, I'm never, 146 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,280 I hope I never have to experience. 147 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,000 At the beginning, it's cool, right? 148 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:03,960 When you're in your company, you're like, 149 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,360 oh yeah, my chips, my chips. 150 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:06,800 But then I don't know what that feels like 151 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,120 to retake that chip, right? 152 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,000 And I don't want to, 153 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,560 'cause I know people how horrible they feel inside 154 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,480 when they have to stand up as a newcomer. 155 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,080 So I don't want to experience that. 156 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,000 I don't want to cause pain to the people 157 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,880 that have fell in love with me sober 158 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,640 in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. 159 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,600 When I want to drink, I think about my sponsor 160 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,320 and what I would do to her if I take a drink. 161 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,160 Because she's invested her time, her effort, 162 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,200 her time in trying to help me. 163 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,320 So, you know, I get that and it's just not her. 164 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,080 It's a group of women and men. 165 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,680 And if I go out, what would I do? 166 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:39,960 You know, I know that if I go out, I'm not coming back. 167 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:40,880 That's just the truth. 168 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,800 You know, I'm not going to sit here and pretend. 169 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,560 I'm not, so I hold onto my seat. 170 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,560 I drill nails into these seats 171 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,320 and hold onto the best that I can 172 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,200 because I know if I go, I won't. 173 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,840 'Cause I do love alcohol. 174 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:53,800 I love how it makes me feel. 175 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,120 I love the way that it took me away. 176 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,160 So I can't sit here and pretend that I don't love it 177 00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,040 because I really do. 178 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,400 You know, I just don't obsess over it anymore. 179 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,240 I always share that I see alcohol like a lost love, right? 180 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,560 Like that love that you wanted so bad, 181 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,880 but you just can't have because it's going to kill you, right? 182 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,960 So like, that's how I see it. 183 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,560 That's how I comprehend it in my mind. 184 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,160 And, you know, great things have happened. 185 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,640 You know, I really do. 186 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:20,160 Like, I love being sober 95% of the time, you know, 187 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,200 and there's still that 5% where I wish like, oh my God, 188 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,400 like, can I just go? 189 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,280 Can I just go? 190 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:26,640 And, you know, I have my dreams 191 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,960 and I think within my dreams, I'm trying to like, you know, 192 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,560 reconstruct something that isn't. 193 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,000 But, you know, going back, I'm going to go now. 194 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,720 I'm going to go back to, you know, 195 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,960 I come from a line of abuse. 196 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,240 You know, I'm a product of child abuse. 197 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,840 Any abuse that you can think of, 198 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:43,600 I experienced physical, emotional, sexual abuse. 199 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,680 I have experienced. 200 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,440 And those aren't the reasons to why I became an alcoholic, 201 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,200 but I do believe that they're contributors 202 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,800 to why I became an alcoholic. 203 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,560 Would I say if I was raised differently, 204 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,600 would I maybe have been differently? 205 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,200 Possibly, but I don't know, you know, 206 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,840 I don't have the answers to that. 207 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,760 You know, I was raised by my father, by my brother. 208 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,160 You know, we were taken away at a very early age 209 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,000 from my mother. 210 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,640 My mom did not know how to control her rage. 211 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,400 And, you know, back in the day, old school, 212 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,440 traditional parents would abuse their children. 213 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,880 That's the real word that you used. 214 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,240 You know, they would hit you with things 215 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,800 and they shouldn't hit you with things. 216 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,720 And, you know, my mother got us taken away. 217 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,840 And, you know, for a long time, I blamed her like, 218 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,760 you know, through my whole alcoholism. 219 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,040 You know, I always, you know, 220 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,000 we suffer from victimology, right? 221 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,680 Like, we're always blaming somebody else 222 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,880 for what happens to us. 223 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,320 You know, as a child, I do believe 224 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,600 that my parents should have done different and been better. 225 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,840 But, you know, I try to remind myself that, 226 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,600 you know, my parents are uneducated. 227 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,760 There's a lot of ignorance that they live with. 228 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,880 So how can somebody with a lot of ignorance, 229 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,440 a lot of time, raise good kids? 230 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:42,840 You know, they're trying to do the best they can 231 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:43,880 with what they had. 232 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,280 It took me a long time to figure that. 233 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,720 And through the 12 steps of alcohol, it's anonymous. 234 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,520 I was able to further that because, you know, 235 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,640 me and my father, like, there was a lot of that. 236 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,280 My dad did the best he could. 237 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:54,640 My dad was a great father. 238 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,240 When he was raising us, you know, 239 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,880 he took his three kids in as a single parent. 240 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,840 But there was still a lot of damage that was done. 241 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,720 My father was a compulsive hoarder. 242 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,520 You know, I think that's how he dealt with his feelings. 243 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,200 You know, I don't think that he knew how to, 244 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,800 like, how to regulate his emotions. 245 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,440 So he just bought things like, you know, 246 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,480 we lived in a three bedroom apartment full of stuff. 247 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,200 Like, that's like, they didn't come check up on us then, 248 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,320 you know, like, but it is what it is. 249 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,600 You know, I don't blame him. 250 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,640 You know, my dad didn't beat me, you know, 251 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,680 but there was a lot of that emotional, 252 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,600 that a lot of that verbal abuse because him and my mom 253 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,600 at the beginning couldn't figure it out, you know, 254 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,320 because again, there's a lot of ignorance. 255 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,960 So how can two ignorant parents, you know, 256 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,160 find a way to co-parent? 257 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:37,680 And there was a lot of damage done there. 258 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,120 You know, my dad would always do great. 259 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,280 My mother, you know, he'll tell us things 260 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,080 that parents should not tell their children. 261 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:44,560 You know, my brother grew up angry. 262 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:45,400 I grew up angry. 263 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,920 So growing up, there was just two emotions in our home, 264 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,120 either, you know, we were sad or we were angry. 265 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,920 So most of the time, most of the family was always angry 266 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,200 because it's a better feeling. 267 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,080 I would rather be mad than feel sad. 268 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:56,920 That's just the truth. 269 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,520 Like if I had to pick one of both, 270 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,680 I would rather be that because when I'm sad, 271 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:01,960 a lot more stuff comes up. 272 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,880 Even when you're angry, but you know, that's how it was. 273 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:08,320 And my dad was this man that had the biggest ego 274 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,160 of the world. 275 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,320 And, you know, he'll walk around without a shirt outside 276 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,280 with his scars and I'm like, oh my God, oh man, 277 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:14,440 I just go back inside. 278 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,320 And you know, like I love my father, you know, 279 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,440 he's no longer with us, but I love him, you know? 280 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,640 And because I was sober, when my father got sick, 281 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,680 I had the privilege, the privilege to change his diaper, 282 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,040 feed him through his feeding tube. 283 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:30,040 You know, my father suffered an anoxic brain injury. 284 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:31,680 He never took care of his health. 285 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,640 You know, we found him and after that, you know, 286 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,680 he was a total care and at the last year of his life, 287 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,160 I was able to like grab his cheek and like sing with him 288 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,640 and do things I never was able to do before. 289 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,200 So I think that that was a gift. 290 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,360 It was a gift that God gave my family, right? 291 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,040 Because my dad just was so miserable within himself, 292 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,960 you know, and that happens. 293 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,880 And I think he never found freedom. 294 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,520 He never found the freedom of whatever he experienced 295 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,920 as a child, as an adult, but his last year of life, 296 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:01,520 he wasn't fully here, but he gave us the best of him. 297 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,080 You know, I was able to do a lot of things. 298 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:04,680 And for that, I am grateful, you know, 299 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:06,520 because my dad did teach me a lot of things. 300 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:07,360 And what was that? 301 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,240 To, you know, respect myself, you know, be independent, 302 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,360 never rely on a man, you know, things like that, 303 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,960 that a man, so I do remember, you know, 304 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,640 he was very traditional and you know, 305 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,200 when he passed away, it was difficult, 306 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,640 but I had alcoholics anonymous to just to guide me. 307 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,360 You know, I was able to give him a great funeral, 308 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,280 you know, laid him out, you know, 309 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,080 and do a lot of things that I would probably not have done 310 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,240 if I wasn't sober because my dad was the hardest person 311 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:36,240 I had to deal with in my sobriety because we clashed so much. 312 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,320 You know, like when I did, when I was making my amends 313 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,880 and I was doing my steps, my dad, 314 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,320 I couldn't do it to my dad. 315 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:43,920 Like if I don't feel something generally, 316 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:44,920 I just can't do it. 317 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,920 Like if it's not natural, I can't do it 318 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:50,040 because then I feel that it's fate and I couldn't do that. 319 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,440 And I couldn't make an amends and like my sponsors like, 320 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:53,960 okay, let's put him in a shelf. 321 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,000 Just keep doing the next right thing. 322 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,520 Just keep being of service to your dad. 323 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,880 Just keep showing up because he was very ill. 324 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,160 So I was the only, the only child 325 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,160 that took him to the doctors, did everything 326 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,200 because my brother was doing 15 years in prison. 327 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,040 My other sister's doing time in prison 328 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,160 and my other sister's just in her own world 329 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:11,000 doing her own thing. 330 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,640 And we put him on the shelf, you know, 331 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,480 but when he got sick, I was able to do this living amends 332 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,000 and it felt good. 333 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,280 And I continued and you know, when he was sick, 334 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,400 I had these conversations where I know 335 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,080 that he had forgiven me, you know, 336 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,720 and I forgiven him because there was a lot of that. 337 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,480 It's, we did hurt to each other, you know, as children, 338 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,440 we could hurt our parents and our parents do hurt us. 339 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,720 But it's not my, like my place to judge them. 340 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,400 And you know that I am grateful 341 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,960 because when we did these steps, you know, 342 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,360 I was able to realize that this man did the best he could 343 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,320 with what he had and the same thing with my mother. 344 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,760 They're doing what they can. 345 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,640 Like every parent out here and you know, 346 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,000 I'm really grateful for that. 347 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,720 And you know, with my mother today is great. 348 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,320 You know, she still yells at me. 349 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,440 You know, I'm 34 years old, that lady still yells at me 350 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,920 and I'm like, hey, you know, like a grown woman, bro. 351 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:01,080 Like I'm helping you, but I think it's just who she is. 352 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,320 And it's okay, you know, because I love my mother. 353 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,120 And today it's like, I'm gonna take care of my mother 354 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,280 for the rest of her life. 355 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:10,200 The way that she changed my diapers, I'm gonna change hers. 356 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,080 Because it's not my place for me to judge 357 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,480 the way that she raised me. 358 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,440 It's not, but I did that for a long time. 359 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,120 When I was drunk, I used to tell her 360 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,960 she was a no good mother and she got her tits taken away 361 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,600 that what type of mother, I did so much damage on alcohol. 362 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,640 Like I'm also a recovering addict. 363 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:29,040 And I did more damage on alcohol than I did with drugs. 364 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,640 You know, tequila is just a horrible thing. 365 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:35,400 Like I think it should be put like a controlled substance, 366 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,600 like honest to God. 367 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,720 Like we do some things that, you know, we should not do. 368 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,160 And, but today I'm able to do that. 369 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,840 Like when I made my amends, my mother was the first one. 370 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,280 And I remember we were at the Swami, 371 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:47,840 like she likes being at the Swami. 372 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,960 So we went to the Swami and I was there 373 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,560 and I remember we're seeing some chairs 374 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,480 and we're eating a tamale 'cause the tamale is from the Swami 375 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,920 I'm really damn good and I'm like a tamale person, right? 376 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,000 I love to eat tamales, like I love it. 377 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,120 And I started my amends and halfway through my amends, 378 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,160 she starts crying and she says, 379 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,200 "I already forgave you the moment that you stopped me." 380 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,720 And that reminds me of today. 381 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,560 It's like my brother's an act of alcoholism, right? 382 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:13,080 And today, like we're building this closet in my house 383 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,880 and you know, I'm still very controlling. 384 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,400 I'm working on certain, in different areas I have let go, 385 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,400 but there's certain things that I have to have control 386 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,320 because people just don't do it right, right? 387 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:25,440 They just don't, like you have to like supervise, right? 388 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,440 And then my, it's funny 'cause my brother goes like, 389 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,800 "I think you need to go to a meeting." 390 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,440 And he's always backlashing AA, like he's very anti AA, 391 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,960 he's very atheist, he doesn't believe in God. 392 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:35,800 So today when he's like, 393 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,920 "Oh, you need to go to a meeting, like the devil's here." 394 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,080 I was just like, "Who are you?" 395 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,320 You know, she's like, he was sharing that 396 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,120 and I was just like, but it just, 397 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:45,600 it made me feel good inside, right? 398 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,480 Because again, he's very anti AA. 399 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:50,560 He's very like, "F this, F that, it doesn't work." 400 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:51,560 But you did when he said that, 401 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,960 I'm like, yeah, it's clicking. 402 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,040 Now you see the difference to why it comes. 403 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,200 So AA is not for people who need it, 404 00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,960 it's for people who want it. 405 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,960 That's just the reality of things, you know? 406 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,240 Because I could drink, I can stop, 407 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,080 I cannot drink if I choose not to, you know? 408 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,280 I don't have to drink, 409 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,480 but I come here to find a new way of living, 410 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,600 you know, to free myself. 411 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,040 So early I heard, I hear like, 412 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,760 "You come to alcoholics normally to be free, 413 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,640 "but the question is how free do you wanna be?" 414 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,320 'Cause I'm trapped, like there's days I'm free like a bird 415 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,760 and I'm flying to Asia, 416 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,000 and there's times I'm stuck here in the same place. 417 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,360 Like that's how it is. 418 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,040 Like there's times I feel like I'm stuck in a little box 419 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,800 and there's times I know what I want, 420 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,240 there's times I don't know what I want, 421 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,240 there's times I want that and there's times I don't. 422 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,680 Like it's just, and I feel like as I go, 423 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,760 as time goes, it's gonna get easier 424 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:39,600 and there's times it doesn't. 425 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,280 Like I thought the beginning was the hardest, 426 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,000 like the holidays and then the drink, 427 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,840 but then life starts getting really real 428 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,680 and you're like, "Oh my God, where do I go?" 429 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,320 But then like, I do what I know how to do. 430 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,920 I pick up the phone, I call my spouse 431 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,040 and she reminds me again of the one, two, and three. 432 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,080 And I'm really grateful for that woman. 433 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,320 I really am. 434 00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,840 Like she's older in age and I sometimes start thinking like, 435 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,920 "Oh my gosh, she dies, what am I gonna do?" 436 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:02,760 What am I gonna do? 437 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,080 I think about stuff like that 438 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,280 because she holds a place next to my mother. 439 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,240 She really does, that's her place. 440 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,320 Because she's taught me stuff 441 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,320 and she's completely different than I am. 442 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,280 I'm a woman of color 443 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,640 and she's completely white and Irish. 444 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,920 And that's fascinating to me, right? 445 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,080 Because growing up, that's not what I saw. 446 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,920 Like I always thought if I came into the rooms, 447 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,960 I was gonna have like Hispanic, old school, 448 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,800 like ex-gang members, sponsor. 449 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,840 This ideal thing that I feel that I need, 450 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,680 but God gives me what I need. 451 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,680 I've never had a problem with religion. 452 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,520 My mom has instilled religion very early on. 453 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,240 We're practicing Catholics 454 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,400 and today I'm able to do that with my own kids. 455 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,800 Like I have an 18-year-old son 456 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,560 who I put through all his sacraments 457 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,480 and he went to a Catholic private school 458 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,560 and I said, "Look, I'm gonna show you what we practice 459 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,920 "and when you find your way, if that's not what you want, 460 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,560 "that's okay with me, but just do something." 461 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,960 Today, our house is alcohol synonymous. 462 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,360 I know that my son has done his little experiments, 463 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,640 he's navigating through life. 464 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,680 But just a couple of weeks ago or a couple of months ago, 465 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,080 he comes and he's like, 466 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,760 'cause me and him have a really good relationship. 467 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,440 I had him when I was 15 years old. 468 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,760 So I have grown with my child. 469 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,320 I have grown into an adult, into a mother 470 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,080 and he's growing into a young man. 471 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:24,240 So we have a very big connection. 472 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,320 I'm still his mother, but I'm also his friend. 473 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:27,880 So that line is always open. 474 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,240 We talk about sex, we talk about his, 475 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,800 this girlfriend he wants to talk to 476 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,000 and all these other things. 477 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,160 And the other day he's like, 478 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,480 my friends, we went out and they offered me alcohol. 479 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,400 And I'm like, "Oh yeah, what did you say?" 480 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,840 He's like, "Oh, if I drink, it's like backstabbing my mom." 481 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,200 And that felt really good because he's seen what I was. 482 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:49,640 He remembers me going into his room, being crazy drunk, 483 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,040 feeling this type of ownership over him 484 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,600 and the kids and everybody else. 485 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,280 And he sees this mom today. 486 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,320 And that just made me feel really good 487 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,920 because I do remind him that this is a family disease. 488 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:03,880 Like his father is also an alcoholic, not in recovery. 489 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,320 I use my sister, my brother, everybody's like, 490 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:07,760 "Look, none of us start drinking 491 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,560 thinking that we're gonna fall in love with this dog." 492 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,680 None of us thought that the first time we drank something 493 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,760 that we were gonna become these full-blown alcoholics, right? 494 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,520 We drank either to experiment, 495 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,760 we drank because it's socially there, 496 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,280 whatever your situation is. 497 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,640 Like when I started drinking, 498 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,160 I didn't think in any way that I was gonna become this abuser 499 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,960 or use that as an escape or anything in that manner. 500 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,200 So I try to like tell him the truth. 501 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:36,000 You know, I don't shelter my kids to what reality is. 502 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,280 I feel that we have to be open. 503 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,240 It's like when you tell your kids, 504 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,640 "Okay, don't have sex, but why?" 505 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:40,480 Like my parents always told me, 506 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:41,680 "Don't have sex, don't have sex." 507 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,640 Okay, I was going to get pregnant at 14, 508 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:44,640 but they never said why? 509 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,200 You know, today I'm this type of mom, right? 510 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,320 It's like when my son and I had to talk, 511 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,280 I'm like, "Okay, you don't have sex, this is why." 512 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:53,120 When I'm on Google, I typed up STDs 513 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:56,240 and I showed him what it could happen to, like, you know? 514 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:57,640 Like I'm that type of mom. 515 00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,280 Like I'm a visual learner, 516 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,520 so I feel like everybody else is. 517 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:02,800 But it worked, but it's the truth. 518 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,400 So I can't shelter them from reality 519 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,160 because there's gonna be a point that they're gonna go. 520 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,840 They're gonna go and they're gonna explore. 521 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,640 So as a parent, like I felt like I had to go all the way 522 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,400 and I'm doing the same thing with my nieces. 523 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:16,320 You know, I have my two nieces who are nine and 10 524 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,200 and they get treated just like my own. 525 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,320 I may not have brought them into this world, 526 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,560 but they get everything that my own children get. 527 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,720 Because that's something that I do see amongst family. 528 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,520 When they have, they bring in a different family member, 529 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,280 they get less than the other. 530 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:33,320 And that affects someone because I grew up like that, right? 531 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,480 Me and my brother were the black sheeps of the family, right? 532 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,480 I came from a family who parents stay together, 533 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,400 no matter what, cheating, beating, 534 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:42,680 whatever, they stay together. 535 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,920 Like, and they thought that that was the right thing to do. 536 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,400 So me and my brother were always the black sheeps, right? 537 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,400 We love the streets and we did alcohol and we did drugs. 538 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,360 You know, they treated us less than, 539 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,920 like when holidays will come, you know, 540 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,920 everybody will get great things and we didn't. 541 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,440 So I know what that feels like. 542 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,400 I know what that feeling of rejection 543 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,720 or somebody else making you feel less than. 544 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,000 So today I don't do that. 545 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,280 I try to be equal in every area of my life. 546 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,920 Well, at least when it comes to my family, 547 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,680 because I don't ever want them to experience that. 548 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,080 The moment that I made a decision 549 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:12,400 to take them in as my own, 550 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,560 I took a nose to treat them as my own. 551 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,000 And I love that, you know, 552 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,920 because today it's something I was pregnant. 553 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,120 I remember I used to pray, right? 554 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,440 I always thought that God loved me 555 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,560 more than everybody else, right? 556 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,320 'Cause I'd be like, "Oh, I'll pray and then I'll get it." 557 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,560 I was like, "God, please don't give me any girls. 558 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,840 Please don't give me any girls." 559 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,000 And I get these two boys and I'm like, 560 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,560 "Oh yeah, God answered my prayers. 561 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:30,960 I didn't get any girls." 562 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:31,960 He's probably not a girl. 563 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,080 I got something waiting for you. 564 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:36,320 Like in a couple of years, you're gonna have two, you know? 565 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:37,320 So like, that's how I see it a lot of the time. 566 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,920 And I have conversations with my God. 567 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,320 I really do, you know, sometimes. 568 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:41,720 I think like my sponsor always tells me, 569 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,680 look, when you're talking, like you talk, 570 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,400 when you're praying, you're talking to God. 571 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,320 When you're in silence, he's talking to you. 572 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,800 But I can't stay in silence for too long. 573 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,960 So I don't think I let him talk to me, right? 574 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,080 So that's why I think I'm, 575 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,280 she tells me you're in cuckoo town again, right? 576 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,160 So like, that's what she describes it to me. 577 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:58,560 She's like, "You gotta get out of cuckoo town. 578 00:19:58,560 --> 00:19:59,640 You're in cuckoo town right now." 579 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,920 And she's like, "We don't fight with crazy." 580 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,720 Sometimes I love to fight. 581 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,560 I come from the streets. 582 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,280 I gangbanged for a long time. 583 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,000 My brother did too. 584 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,680 For growing up, I was more of a town boy 585 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,080 'cause my dad didn't let me wear little clothes, 586 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,440 makeup, any of that stuff. 587 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,320 So I believe that's what I was or something. 588 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,680 It just feels better sometimes. 589 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,280 But as I grew older, I realized that there's beauty 590 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,760 that comes with being a woman and I developed that. 591 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,320 And today I go back and forth, 592 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,280 but it's okay. 593 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,920 When I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, 594 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,560 I was rotting from the inside out. 595 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:36,680 Nothing crazy happened. 596 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,240 I can't say that I lost my kids. 597 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:39,360 I can't say that I went to jail. 598 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:42,400 I can't say that I was driving on the influence 599 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,240 'cause I wasn't. 600 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,600 I came into the rooms because at that time 601 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,680 I was in a relationship with somebody 602 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:48,920 who was in active addiction. 603 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,840 And when he went to treatment the first time, 604 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,480 they're like, "Look, if you don't get sober, 605 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,080 this man's not gonna stay clean." 606 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,080 And my only desire for that man has always been clean 607 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,800 because every human being in this world has the tension. 608 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,120 And when we drink and we use, we suppress that. 609 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,080 We don't allow ourselves an opportunity 610 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,800 to be the best version that we can of ourselves. 611 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,120 And in my mind, I'm like, 612 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,640 "Well, I'm gonna show him how to stay sober," right? 613 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:11,840 'Cause I'm an alcoholic. 614 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,080 I wanna prove people wrong. 615 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:14,920 I wanna be right. 616 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,520 And that's the reason why I came in, 617 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,560 but then I started finding something here. 618 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:21,480 I started finding, when I came in, 619 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,280 I hung around with all the old timers. 620 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,720 My sponsor has 44 years of sobriety 621 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,880 and she had a tribe and I came in here knowing no one. 622 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,280 And I did what this woman told me 623 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,600 'cause I saw something in her. 624 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:32,440 I wanted what she had. 625 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,880 And she's like, "Oh, you gotta go to a women's meeting." 626 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,280 And I found my home group, 627 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,120 which is Hole in the Sky, the Women's Stag, 628 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:38,960 on Tuesday nights. 629 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,120 And she tells me, 630 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,840 I met her at an interview with an alcoholic Saturday night. 631 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,880 And then she didn't even ask me if I wanted a commitment. 632 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,560 This lady just goes and says, 633 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,240 "You have the coffee commitment now." 634 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,440 And I was just like, "What the hell?" 635 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,280 Okay. 636 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,800 But I guess that's how it was back then, 637 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,600 but I'm very traditional, I'm very old school. 638 00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,160 So that works for me. 639 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:00,600 And I think that's for me in her work 640 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,360 because her way of being works with my way of being. 641 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,200 And I started fellowshipping with them. 642 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,960 Like they didn't even ask. 643 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,240 I feel like it's so rude. 644 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,840 Like today you have to ask people, right? 645 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,080 Like, do you wanna go here? 646 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:11,920 Do you wanna do this? 647 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,480 Like, you know, but she didn't. 648 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,160 She's like, "Oh, we're going fellowshipping." 649 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:16,160 You know what I'm saying? 650 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,760 Okay, well, let's go. 651 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,000 And at the beginning, that's what I did. 652 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,480 I hung around with all these old timers 653 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,320 and they were schooling me and they were molding me, right? 654 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,240 They were molding me into this person. 655 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,320 And a couple of months past, 656 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,360 I started making my beautiful friends in recovery. 657 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:28,200 And they're like, 658 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,120 "Okay, it's time for me to go find your tribe." 659 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,680 But I was like, "But I like it here." 660 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,720 Like, I felt safe. 661 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,600 Like, you know, I was like the youngster 662 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,520 with all these, you know, OGs, right? 663 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:38,520 'Cause I call her an OG. 664 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,640 I call her an old dancer because she is. 665 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:41,680 Like, that's how I see it. 666 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,920 So I brought the mentality of the streets into the rooms. 667 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:45,760 Right? 668 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:46,600 In the streets, it's like, 669 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:47,440 what do you do when you're a little homie? 670 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:48,640 Like, you wanna kick it with the big homies. 671 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,120 Like, that's what you wanna do, you know? 672 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,400 And so here, I kind of see it kind of the same way 673 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,400 when I came in. 674 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:55,760 I'm like, "Oh, I'm the little homie. 675 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:56,720 Like, I'm new." 676 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,080 But, you know, they're the ones with time. 677 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,920 And they slowly kind of like, 678 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,240 the bird had to leave its nest and I had to fly. 679 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:04,400 And I didn't want to. 680 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,880 I was like, "No, I like it here, quirky Saturday night. 681 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,000 Like, just let me stay." 682 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,360 But they slowly pushed me. 683 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:11,560 And I'm glad they did because it's like a faring, right? 684 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,600 When you're ready to fly, like, you gotta go. 685 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,120 It's like recently my son is like, 686 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:16,920 I give him wings and we were having a conversation. 687 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:18,520 He's like, "Mom, you can't give me wings." 688 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,360 And then cut him. 689 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,800 And I was like, "But you don't understand," like, you know? 690 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:22,800 But it makes sense. 691 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,440 And that's, I think, what's happening. 692 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:25,800 They were allowing me an opportunity 693 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,520 to fly and discover myself. 694 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,080 And I have, because within these times of my sobriety, 695 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:31,760 I've been able to discover a lot of things. 696 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,280 Like, I thought I knew what love was. 697 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,960 I had an idea of what love was when I got, 698 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,160 before I got sober and when I got sober, 699 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,160 it intensified and it really understood the meaning of it. 700 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,280 And I just keep going, you know? 701 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:45,600 I keep going and, you know, 702 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,880 I'm really grateful in so many areas of my life, you know? 703 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,400 Today, you know, I'm getting my master's in social work 704 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,600 and I'm gonna work with children who are being abused, 705 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,400 you know, because I wish somebody would have saved me. 706 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:56,240 I really do. 707 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,600 I really wish that somebody would have said, 708 00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,640 "Hey, look, let's take another route," you know? 709 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,160 I started drinking and altering my mind 710 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,600 and my body from the age of 13, you know? 711 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,440 And every time I drank, it went back to the same thing. 712 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,760 It's always back to the same thing, same thing, 713 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,080 that those unresolved issues, you know, 714 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,440 that deep traumatic experiences that we experience 715 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,360 as children or adults or anything. 716 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:19,400 And we think that that's normal, you know? 717 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,800 So I started getting into even these relationships 718 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:22,640 that I've been with. 719 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,240 They've been very unhealthy, you know, 720 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:25,440 because I'm a fixer. 721 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,240 Like, I think, like, my sponsor tells me, 722 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:28,360 "You are not God." 723 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,960 Even though sometimes it's like not necessarily God, 724 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,880 but maybe I'm like right under God, 725 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:33,720 you know what I'm saying? 726 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,280 Like, that's what I feel sometimes, right? 727 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,960 Like, I think I can fix people, but I can't. 728 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,840 And I've done so much work learning how to let go 729 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,600 because from trying to fix people is that control, right? 730 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,440 That control comes from fear. 731 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:47,840 Like, why am I being controlling? 732 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,200 Because I'm fearful that they're not gonna do it right. 733 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,400 So if I'm in charge, 734 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,360 it's like when I'm driving with someone. 735 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,640 I'm so anxious, like, "Oh my God, I'm gonna crash. 736 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,280 Oh my God, I'm gonna die in an accident right now." 737 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:01,280 Like, my biggest fear is like dying in the accident, right? 738 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:02,920 Because I've been in so many accidents 739 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,600 because I drove with a lot of people 740 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,080 who walked through their minds, right? 741 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:07,640 So when people are driving, I'm like that. 742 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:08,880 I'm just like, "Oh my God, I'm gonna die." 743 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:09,760 Like, I'm holding on. 744 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:10,800 I'm just like, "Am I getting old?" 745 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:11,640 All these things, right? 746 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,040 Like, I have a movie playing in my mind. 747 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,200 When I'm driving, I'm calm because I'll be able to break, 748 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,440 but they won't, right? 749 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:19,280 Like, that's how I see it. 750 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,240 It's like, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. 751 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,520 If I'm driving, I'm not gonna die if somebody else is driving 752 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,160 because they're just like, "We don't know how to drive." 753 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,360 Like, what, you know? 754 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:28,920 It's just, just brain of mine, right? 755 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:29,760 Like, just brain of mine. 756 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,120 And then this is like, 757 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:32,160 and then I think about myself. 758 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,400 Okay, Sandy, do you remember when you learned how to drive? 759 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,440 Like, I was 14 driving a stolen car crashing into a church. 760 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,880 That's right. 761 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,840 So like, after I got, but it's that fear. 762 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,960 It all stems back from fear, you know? 763 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,600 Like from the God-forgiving's crashing into a church 764 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,000 in a stolen, you know? 765 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,960 Like, oh my God, you see things come up. 766 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,760 They come up without you even knowing. 767 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,000 And you know, I, yeah, oh God, that was cool. 768 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,480 So, it's fear, fear, fear. 769 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,640 Like, I'm trying to learn how to let go of that, you know? 770 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:02,600 I really, really am. 771 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,120 Because it's a horrible character defect 772 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,920 that from the fear comes to control. 773 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:07,760 And I don't. 774 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,800 Like, I don't wanna be in control all the time. 775 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,720 It gets tiring, you know what I'm saying? 776 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,400 Like, I'm trying to raise four kids, run home, 777 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,280 like, still trying to do my, like, all these things. 778 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:18,760 And you know, it's hard. 779 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,440 You know, I can't sit here and say it's not easy. 780 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,720 Like, I still have this crazy mentality, you know? 781 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,920 Like, when I'm driving and somebody pisses me off, 782 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,760 like, I still wanna run my car into them. 783 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,440 And I do play the tape because I'm like, 784 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,720 look, I got full coverage. 785 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,400 If I crash into them, 786 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,640 I think insurance, bro, they'll cover me and you, right? 787 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,440 But then I'm like, oh, but then I'm gonna get a point 788 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:37,280 in my insurance. 789 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:38,800 And if I get a point in my insurance, 790 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:40,880 I'm gonna have to pay more for my insurance. 791 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,040 And I have a son that's 18. 792 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,920 So I already pay high insurance, right? 793 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:46,160 So I have to play the tape. 794 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,680 Like, as much as I don't want to, I have to play the tape 795 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,240 because I'm very impulsive. 796 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,120 I make crazy, like, last week I got hair up my ass. 797 00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:54,520 I need a new closet. 798 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,520 I need more space, more shelves. 799 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,120 Within the next day, all my stuff was out, okay? 800 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:00,080 I need to get through. 801 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,000 Like, and now, yeah, it's insane. 802 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,200 I make these decisions, but it's okay 803 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,000 'cause now I'm building a pretty cool closet 804 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,840 with a lot of space because I love, 805 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,280 I have a lot of clothes, shoes, and bags. 806 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:12,760 Like, I think that's my addiction. 807 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:16,000 It's like, my mom's like, "Son, you wore it one time." 808 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,520 But I said it, but I bought it. 809 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,040 Like, what's the problem? 810 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:21,560 You know, and that's, yeah, I know I have a big ego 811 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,040 sometimes and I'm very prideful, but you know, from that, 812 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:25,760 it's like, I work very hard, you know? 813 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,880 Like, I've worked very hard to be where I am today. 814 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,320 And you know, it's been good, you know? 815 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:31,360 It's been a good road. 816 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,440 And you know, I can't sit here and say, oh my God, 817 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,280 I'm gonna be sober for the rest of my life, 818 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,840 but I have made a commitment that I'm never gonna drink. 819 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,000 And we could do that. 820 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:40,600 We could make commitments, you know? 821 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,320 Like, right now I'm paused on commitments. 822 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,600 Like, I'm not making any commitments because like, 823 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,880 I'm still trying to like, fix myself a little bit, right? 824 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:49,000 'Cause Sandy's been in cuckoo town for a long time 825 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,120 and then she comes out and comes back. 826 00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:51,920 It's like going in the hospital and coming out, right? 827 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:52,960 Like, that's how I feel lately. 828 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,280 Like, the last couple of months, 829 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,720 I feel like I got a 5150 hold and they let me out. 830 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,160 And I come back in and they let me out. 831 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,160 Like, that's how I've been feeling, right? 832 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:01,480 Like, in my mind. 833 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:05,480 But you know, I'm keep walking and I'm gonna keep jogging 834 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,000 and you know, I'm gonna keep raising my kids. 835 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,160 And like, my kids are the most important thing in my life. 836 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:10,840 You know, because if it wasn't for those kids, 837 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:11,800 I would not be here. 838 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,520 I think that like, I personally didn't want kids, 839 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,320 but I think God sent me my first son, 840 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,000 my second son for a reason. 841 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,800 I think that's the way that he was gonna save, you know, 842 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,400 from completely crossing that line. 843 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,360 Because if I would have completely crossed that line, 844 00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:27,640 I don't think I would have found a way back, you know? 845 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:29,240 And today it's them. 846 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,640 You know, I wanna be a better mother because of them. 847 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,680 I wanna go get a career because of them. 848 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,840 You know, I have a child with multiple disabilities 849 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:39,280 and today I think about him when it comes to my future. 850 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,280 Like, I need to leave him well, you know? 851 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,680 I need to make sure he's okay when I'm not here. 852 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:44,760 And those are the things that I think, 853 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,760 'cause I'm over here thinking like 20, 30 years ahead 854 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,200 and some of my sponsors like, we gotta be here. 855 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,600 Like, you don't understand what is, like, 856 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:53,440 and you know, I go back and forth, 857 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,520 but you know, today I am grateful. 858 00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:58,920 You know, because I'm living a very beautiful dream. 859 00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:00,520 And today, like my little niece tells me, 860 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,800 Tia Sandy, I'm gonna be a social worker. 861 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:04,960 Like, yes, we got one. 862 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,520 You know, I'm always recruiting. 863 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,360 I'm always recruiting those social workers, right? 864 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:09,520 Because we need it. 865 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:11,720 So I'm like, yeah, you know me, my other niece, maybe not. 866 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,080 I think she's like a hippie 867 00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,440 that's not gonna smoke weed, right? 868 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:15,280 Like, that's why I see her. 869 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:16,600 Like, her hair's on and stuff. 870 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:18,600 But you know, now my oldest son is in college. 871 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:20,280 He's gonna major in real estate. 872 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:21,960 You know, he's gonna be second generation. 873 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:23,160 Hopefully the kids are third. 874 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:24,680 And then it's gonna be beautiful. 875 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:28,200 Education is as important as anything else in my family 876 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:29,640 'cause that's the only way out. 877 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,880 I tell people, I say, look, I wasn't born into money. 878 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,240 You know, like, I'm not gonna marry into money, 879 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:35,840 so I gotta make that money, right? 880 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:36,920 Like, that's how I see it. 881 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:38,440 Like, but my kids don't. 882 00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:41,320 Like, when I die, there's gonna be a will. 883 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:42,200 You know what I'm saying? 884 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:43,800 I'm about to get off this Medi-Count 885 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:44,880 and get some good insurance. 886 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:46,680 Like, those are the goals today, right? 887 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,480 It's like, I don't have that PPO or what is it? 888 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:54,480 Like, whatever, whatever it is, go like, you know? 889 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:57,200 And we are paying for, I already have our spots 890 00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,240 at San Fernando Mission Catholic Cemetery. 891 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:00,520 Like, I'm waiting to die. 892 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:02,160 Like, but those are goals, right? 893 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:05,600 Because when my dad died, he left me dead, you know? 894 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:06,440 When he passed away, 895 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,680 we had to raise $25,000 to give him a good service. 896 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,840 Today it's like, no, when I die, my kids are gonna grieve. 897 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:14,720 They're not gonna worry about where we're gonna get this, 898 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:15,720 where we're gonna get that. 899 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,880 And like, my mother's thing, I would've paid for that. 900 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:18,720 Like, if she died, 901 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:20,600 she ain't gonna leave me in no $25 debt. 902 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:21,680 Like, she good. 903 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,320 And if you pay it sooner, you pay less, right? 904 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:25,560 So I'm just that person. 905 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,040 I'd rather pay for that and know where I'm gonna end up 906 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:28,880 because that's how controlling I am. 907 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,080 You see how crazy I am? 908 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:31,880 Like, I need to know where I'm gonna lay. 909 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,280 Like, I'm still controlling, I'm controlling music, 910 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:35,960 which picture they're gonna put. 911 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,400 Like, what kind of my damn casket's gonna be. 912 00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:41,280 I do not open it if I don't got a full set of eyelashes. 913 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,160 Like, this is not a picture of me. 914 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:44,600 Like, baby, chill out, 'cause my kids, 915 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:46,560 don't you dare have an open casket 916 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,080 if I don't have my damn lashes, bro. 917 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:50,920 Like, I will come back, you know? 918 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:51,960 So it's things like that. 919 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:53,520 And, you know, again, Karen, 920 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,560 I do wanna thank you for the opportunity, you know, 921 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:57,960 to come in and sharing a piece of who I am. 922 00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,840 And, you know, if you're struggling, just keep going. 923 00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,640 You know, this too shall pass, 924 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:04,760 and just hold on to your seat, you know? 925 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:07,920 It's like if you're in Six Flags and Goliath is going down, 926 00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:08,760 what you gonna do? 927 00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:11,040 You go, "Hold on, don't put your hands up, just hold on." 928 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:11,960 You know, and that's what I do. 929 00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:13,120 I hold on to my seat every day. 930 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:14,760 Thank you for allowing me to share.