1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,400 My sobriety date is my current sobriety date, it may not be my last. 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:10,880 If April 28, 1998, it would be arrogance and ignorance to think this is my last sobriety 3 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:11,880 date. 4 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:12,880 Anybody can relapse. 5 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,140 Sobriety is never owned, it's only rented, and rent is due every day. 6 00:00:16,140 --> 00:00:18,800 And the rent is paid through the actions, doing stuff like this. 7 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:23,280 Thank you for the invitation, people appreciate it, I am extremely excited and happy to be 8 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:24,280 here. 9 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:28,920 It is morning prayer, meditation, conversations with the guys, I'm calling my spots on all 10 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:29,920 days. 11 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,880 Everything I do in alcoholic is not as good as that rent. 12 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:38,360 And I have the harsh experience of being a strong starter, but losing steam and stopping 13 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,360 to do the actions was even sober. 14 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:45,360 However, a lot of it was sober before my severe sobriety, and I would learn the hard truth 15 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:48,920 that I didn't pay the rent and I was addicted. 16 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:53,120 From the police comfort and good life experience, today that's the number one priority when 17 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,120 I wake up. 18 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:57,320 My sponsor is Allen Burns Team, my home group, the New Pacific Group, those are the formal 19 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:58,320 terms of my surrender. 20 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:03,440 They keep seeing her to know, they don't have to know, yes, he is in this group, we see 21 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:08,440 him doing commitments, we see him at meetings, accountability, my sponsor knows he's my sponsor, 22 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:13,360 you know, because he says you're going to call me twice a week, our call time. 23 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,960 Honestly, 99% of the time I'm like, I don't want to call him, I don't know why I'm calling 24 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:20,320 him, I have nothing to talk about, I call him, and then the truth comes out, oh yeah, 25 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:24,280 by the way, this is where I've been doing. 26 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:30,520 And then he has a baby meeting twice a month at his house in West Hollywood, and I drive 27 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:37,720 over there and I get to form bonds with my sponsors, too many people, so half of us are 28 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,560 in person, like Kenny does, and then half are on Zoom, because a lot of people during 29 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:47,320 the pandemic move, you know, because of what was going on during the pandemic, you know, 30 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:52,760 they had to find a way to live, kind of stop, and it's like, I've been sober half my life 31 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,960 and way longer than I drank, and I am more alcoholic and sick and insane today than I 32 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,160 was when I got here 24 years ago. 33 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:02,640 Welcome to the new privilege, I want you to know you're wanted, needed, and loved here, 34 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,920 and I am far sicker than them because I've progressed. 35 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,680 No matter what I'm doing in Alcoholics Anonymous, I am progressing, my disease is progressing, 36 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:13,680 but oh, I need to do more every year to cover the footprint of my growing and progressing 37 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:14,680 illness of alcoholism. 38 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:19,360 Some of my previous sponsors who died a year ago have lived with cancer with over 40 years 39 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:23,840 ago, they knew me and met me on my first day of sobriety, the beginning of this sobriety, 40 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,840 24 years, nine months, and 28 days ago, he used to tell me at every birthday, most dangerous 41 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:34,200 time, happy birthday, happy 15, most dangerous time, he told his sponsor, Donnie Harris, 42 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:39,360 when we read Donnie's 60 year birthday party, happy birthday to me, most dangerous time, 43 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:43,600 because every day is the day I can relax, I get a daily retreat contingent on the maintenance 44 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:44,600 of my spiritual condition. 45 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,720 I want to thank the 10 minutes speaker, thank you for just an awesome podcast, so much in 46 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:54,320 common with Nancy D, I was born in Los Angeles, my parents were born in Los Angeles on the 47 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:58,200 east side, my parents are not alcoholics, my grandfathers were alcoholics, that's why 48 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:03,640 I'm pretty sure I ended up inheriting alcoholism, the genetic illness as scientists do in the 49 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,640 last 20, 20 years. 50 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:10,480 Being born in East LA, growing up in East LA, it did not make me an alcoholic, but as 51 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:14,480 a teenage alcoholic, it made me an alcoholic once again, being in Los Angeles, a lot of 52 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:20,240 fun times, a lot of horrible times too, but so the first time I got drunk, I was at my 53 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:25,840 mom's talk, and I don't know why I wanted to drink, but there was a giant bar, and I 54 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:31,920 was a kid, I was probably, you know, a good boy, and I found the alcohol in the bar, and 55 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:36,400 they couldn't see me, and I opened the door to the bar, the back wall of the alcohol bottle, 56 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:44,560 and I got the idea to ask my grandmother if I could buy an orange juice, and then I went 57 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:48,720 to the bathroom for a while, walked into the toilet, went behind the bar, put the liquid 58 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:52,400 bottle in the rest, filled it with vodka, pounded down, and went in on some orange juice, 59 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:57,280 some more vodka, and then I went in the backyard and had the best time of my life, it was wasted, 60 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:02,720 dancing, laughing, screaming, falling into the bushes, it was awesome because I needed 61 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,560 to drink way before I got that drink, and I didn't know it until I got that drink, 62 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:10,400 I didn't know how uncomfortable I was in my own skin until I got to experience some 63 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,640 absolutely awesome freedom in a bottle for the first time in my life, you know, I'm the 64 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:20,240 kind of guy, I start to suffer from alcoholism when I stop drinking anything, when I'm not 65 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:25,040 suffering from alcoholism, no matter how crazy it looks and how horrible it can be, whatever 66 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:29,440 happens, I start to suffer from alcoholism when I walk away from drugs and alcohol, it 67 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:34,880 says on the big book, I'm miserable, restless, and distant at it until I can experience the 68 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:39,840 solutions, drinking, the ease and comfort it comes with once I take in the future, so 69 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:44,400 for 10 years before my current sobriety date, that confused the hell out of me, I was only 70 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:49,120 pregnant, on paper, my life would get better right away, I'm not getting DUIs, I'm not 71 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:53,280 going to jail, I'm not getting in trouble, I'm getting a job, my girlfriend comes in, 72 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:58,160 I get a car, but inside I'm getting more uncomfortable, so when I would relax, I would 73 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:02,960 be like, why didn't you relax, your life was getting better, and the inside was getting 74 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,720 worse, the time when my home group says it's like somebody sneaks in the night and puts 75 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:11,280 a spring in my gut and tightens it, and tightens it every night, and I'm either going to blow 76 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:16,960 my head off because I'm so insane and uncomfortable without my medicine of drugs and alcohol, 77 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:22,160 or I'm going to stretch a spiritual awakening through the surface, you know, so for 10 years 78 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:27,280 I went in and I had like 100, more out than in, you know, it's not like I would, the longest 79 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:31,680 time I was sober during that time was six months because I was in a lockdown facility, 80 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:37,120 I, for me to be sober on the streets, I would literally be in jail or in a rehab, I'm like, 81 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:42,800 people rise in me, I'm not sober, period. I would get out in a week, that's what I can 82 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:48,160 do on my own, is a week, and then I drink, I have the mental obsession and the physical 83 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,760 allergy, so I drink until I'm really high, and then I have to go to the hospital, and 84 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:58,160 then I want to go to the treatment center, and then they give me sober, but then I have to drink to get the boredom and misery of sobriety. 85 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:06,000 So, when I got here, 24 and a half years ago, I had drug dealers in South Central Los Angeles, $10,000. 86 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:12,480 They funded me $10,000 worth of party favor called crack. One night I accidentally smoked it all. 87 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:18,240 I do drugs alcoholically, that's how I know I'm an alcoholic, another indicator, and they kidnapped 88 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:23,360 my girlfriend on my mom's porch, so I had to put her body into pieces and do it in L.A. city dump. 89 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:27,280 Shortly after that, I came home drunk in a blackout, and I didn't even know this, so I 90 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:33,600 physically attacked my mom, because I called her to come pick me up at a party, because after 91 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:38,960 I'm 19, I don't have a car, like a 19-year-old doesn't want to own a car, but I didn't even have 92 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:45,520 a driving license, so I used to go to West Hollywood Club, to Orange County, all over the place, 93 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:49,120 smoking drugs and alcohol, and people that I thought would give me that stuff, and then I would 94 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:53,600 expect her to come pick me up at 4 a.m., and finally, she said, "I'm not coming to get you, 95 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:58,400 you need to get your own ride home, you're not in trouble." So, I was hit typing with my friends. 96 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:04,000 Growing up in East L.A., I was into music, and I was into art. I had long hair to my waist, 97 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:10,000 I was a metal head in the '80s and late '80s, and some guys picked us up, me and my friends, 98 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:14,320 and then they tried to rape us at gunfights, so I ran this place for my mom's house, and I wanted 99 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:19,200 to die before I was 18 years old. I didn't know what the fuck it was. I think it was, you know, 100 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:23,840 did I want to live to the age of 18? I was a teenage alcoholic, they hoped to die, was hoping 101 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:28,720 I would overdose, or just drink myself to death. So, before I was 18, I suggested that being an 102 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:33,520 adult was a joke, and horrible, and miserable, and my parents seemed miserable. All the adults 103 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:37,680 around me seemed miserable. So, these guys think they're gonna scare me. I grabbed the gun and put 104 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:41,360 it in my mouth, they showed it to us. Tell me, I don't care. You know, meaning that these guys, 105 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,840 they got scared. I grabbed my friend Bobby, and we ran out of the car, and I went to my mom's house, 106 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:50,560 and yelled at her, and screamed at her, and I guess put a hand on her the next day. My dad, 107 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:55,200 who is not an alcoholic, but his father, who was an alcoholic, abandoned my dad and his family 108 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:59,520 when my dad was five years old. So, my dad was raised on the streets by gangs in East Los Angeles. 109 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:03,920 He is a founding member of one of the biggest street gangs that still exists to this day. He's 110 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:08,080 in Corcoran, he's in prison. He calls and says, "Put the boy on the phone," and he says, "Your mom 111 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:12,320 told me what you did last night. If you do not leave that house, I will have you killed in the 112 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:18,320 next three months. You are not my son." So, I had to go. So, I'm going on my merry way. I don't know 113 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,080 what I'm going to do. I'm sleeping in a friend's house as I bump into an ex-girlfriend. From my 114 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:26,800 experience, I live in Orange County now. I got myself in Orange County, too. But anyways, 115 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:30,240 I'm jumping ahead. He's all, "Yeah, I have my own place. I'm at Cal State Fullerton." 116 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:36,160 And I was like, in my mind, you know, I'm a tinker, so I'm a loser. That is my alcoholism. 117 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:41,200 I'm a taker of things and a user of people, so I'm a loser. The takers in Alcoholics Anonymous 118 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:46,880 and in life, obviously, look around, are the losers. The winners are the givers in Alcoholics 119 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:54,480 Anonymous and in life. Look around. So, I'm like a big calculus in my mind. He has one bet with 120 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:59,200 three guys full of food. He's not in L.A. County. No drug dealer is going to come looking for me at 121 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:04,160 Cal State Fullerton on a college campus. I've always loved you. I miss you. You were always the 122 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:10,240 one. All of the times, just to get her to take me to our new place, which I think to this day, too, 123 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:15,680 again. So, I'm in Orange County now, and school was always easy for me, and it was a little bit 124 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:22,560 after college or in high school, so I enrolled in college and was getting a good grade, but was 125 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:27,520 getting in the same trouble I had gotten in L.A. County. So, now, I owe money to guys that have 126 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:34,240 lost their food on their head because I'm in Orange County. So, I'm drinking, and my disease, my drinking 127 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:40,080 and using was always progressing. I ended up unconscious at an intensive care unit at UCI, 128 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,160 and the doctors, they came through in a big tube, and they'll just allow clicking on it, and I was 129 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,520 like, "This, I know," and then they're like, they pulled me out, and they're like, "We're doing AMI 130 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,640 in the brain." You were brought here unconscious. Well, we do know your liver activities are 131 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:54,240 shutting down. Your main system is so destroyed, you have mold growing in your back. We think you 132 00:09:54,240 --> 00:10:00,640 have AIDS. I had kind of a mohawk at the time, which went to a dreadlock that went to my house. 133 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:04,640 I had a giant bullring. The hole is still there. I just have glass in there now. It's not that 134 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:10,320 there's things to be forgave, but a giant bullring, a huge beard, different things all over my face. 135 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:14,480 I'm going out of a blackout cutting my own hair, so I look like a dog with manes just ranting bald 136 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:19,360 spots everywhere. My clothes have not been washed or changed in over two years. I've been salivating 137 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:24,480 over two years, and my clothes are altogether by dental floss and funk block and metal band tungsten, 138 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:31,040 and because I'm a musician, I'm cool. And the best way to exaggerate, I'd be negative. You'd do drugs 139 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:35,120 and drink alcohol, and I was like, "I'm a fan of this. How many fouls are you going to make in 140 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:43,120 days?" It was like, "How dare you say that I can do this?" And there was a doctor, and I called the 141 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:47,040 distance and I was like, "This is how doctors just look at each other and shake their head," and they 142 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,400 look at me and say, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here if you don't have health 143 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:54,880 insurance. You got to go." And I went back to my apartment, so I lived with a woman who was at 144 00:10:54,880 --> 00:11:00,320 that point with my fiance, and it was empty. And the big book doesn't have the word "denial" in it, 145 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:05,920 but it does have the word "delisional," which is totally me. I looked around and thought, 146 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:11,120 "Oh, I didn't know we were moving." So I'm going to post up here and wait 50 times and 147 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:18,320 get a tip to me for our new place, and it's been 24 and a half years now. She hasn't come to get 148 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:23,440 me. And so, oh, before I left the hospital, the doctors said, "We can't help you, but you should 149 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:28,880 go to another, you should go to another prostate program." And I was like, "I've been there and it 150 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:34,720 doesn't work." You know, like, "We can help you." So 14 hours ago, this college town is a drinking 151 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:42,720 town in the middle of, like, 500 bars is an Alano Club back then. So I'm my, this is my glamorous 152 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:48,320 life at that point. I sleep in the fetal position, holding a ball, crying every night in an empty 153 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,520 apartment, which I know I'm going to get evicted when they come to review the apartment in the 154 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:55,760 U.S. Senate. I was never on a leash, but I have big feet and I'm still going in every night. I 155 00:11:55,760 --> 00:12:01,120 figure I got like a week, maybe a couple days. So my routine is I can handle, get enough alcohol 156 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:05,120 to get drunk, go into a blackout, go home, crawl into a ball in the fetal position on the 157 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:10,160 background, and beg to God, I don't believe in peace enough, let me wake up. I wake up, 158 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:15,280 first of all, I don't believe in let me wake up. About 5 p.m. I wake up, go to downtown 14th, 159 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:20,800 and I don't mind to get a drink. So that's what I'm doing. But I don't know that there's an Alano 160 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,560 Club in all these bars. I thought it was a bar. I see all these people that look like drunk, 161 00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:29,520 standing outside, smoking cigarettes, talking, laughing, playing right here. And so I go in 162 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:33,440 and try to buy alcohol and the guy at the bar is like, "You don't sell alcohol for it. Can you 163 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:39,440 pick up a coffee you can handle?" So I'm like leaving and this dude who became my first sponsor, 164 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:43,600 Tion, 21 years old and two years sober, walks up to me, "Hey, what's the story? What's going on?" 165 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:52,880 And then I'm like, "Oh, I'm going to the other bar." And I was basically captured by a group. 166 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:58,960 A group, and the one county is considered a cult because it's a very militant group. It is not a 167 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:03,600 cult, but Bob D. from Vegas says, "If you want to know the good meeting in any town, just ask 168 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,520 newcomers what meetings suck." And the meetings they take up are usually the good meetings. 169 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:14,320 Anyways, a lot of people don't like the group. It still exists. I'm not in it. But they tricked me. 170 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:20,880 I was like, "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? We have our men's stag. I'll pick you up wherever 171 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:24,800 you're at and take you to the meeting." And I'm like, "I'm too busy. I have a lot of suicide to 172 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:31,760 think about." And he's all, "Yeah, we had this huge steak dinner before the meeting. And then 173 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:35,840 we have the meeting. We have tri tips." So I'm like, I couldn't remember when I last ate. So I'm 174 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:40,160 like, "I'm in. Come get me." So my plan was to go to the meeting, eat and then bounce before the 175 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:44,800 meeting started. That's not possible in that group because they recognize new people like 176 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:50,000 all meetings. And we're like, so every idiot in the room had to talk to me and tell me their long, 177 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:56,960 boring story. And so anyways, I got stuck in the group. So then at the end, the guy that became my 178 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:03,120 sponsor that just died last year, Jeff Nickel, when I was new, he was 17 years sober. And he said, 179 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:07,040 "Who brought you to the meeting?" And I said, "Are you new?" And I said, "I've been coming to 180 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:11,360 meetings for 10 years." And he's all, "You're 10 years sober?" I'm like, "No, I ran on the 181 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:16,560 way to the meeting. Are you kidding me?" "No, I'm not." And he said, "Well, you've been around 10 182 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:20,000 years or whatever. You know what I do? What's going to be different this time? What are you going to do 183 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,360 this different if you're just going to realize together?" And nobody ever asked me that before. 184 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:28,080 I was like, "Well, I've never gotten a sponsor like Jeff Nickel who writes to me." And he said, 185 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,680 "Why do you have to pee?" And I'm like, "I don't want to pee. I don't know any of you." And he said, 186 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:36,320 "Quit being a little not a matter. Do not have to seem to marry you, dude. I'm doing a sponsor. 187 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:40,240 You change your mind. It's not common." And he's sneaking in there one day at a time. So I'm like, 188 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:45,680 "Oh, I could do that." He made the doable. He's a complicated alcoholic like myself. He over-thinks 189 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,600 everything. But I'll put him to the perfect guy that we could spend the rest of my life with. 190 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:56,400 So I asked Deon if he was willing to do any stream. I thought he was going to do like 191 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,840 they do in rehab, hug me and say, "We're going to love you till you love yourself." He got all 192 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:04,160 crazy. He was like, "Are you willing to go to any stream and do everything I tell you out of the big 193 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:12,560 book that takes over?" And I'm like, "I guess." He caught me off guard. And he's all, "Okay, 194 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,040 we'll then get another ride home." I said, "Yeah, yeah, I'm ready." "I will." "Yes." He got me a big 195 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:21,680 book, a commitment. And so I had a sponsor, a big book, and a home group. I did not know they were 196 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:26,800 a home group. I know in retrospect they were. And we went to meetings every day. We worked the steps. 197 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:34,240 And a lot has happened in 24/5 years. So I wanted to spend the rest on what's happened. So when Deon 198 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:39,040 showed me the fourth step, he relapsed. And I knew he drank against his wall. I was kind of like, 199 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:44,080 didn't believe in the myth of alcoholism. I thought old framers were like, "What? My mind 200 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:53,280 makes me drink." But when Deon drank, I knew he drank against his will because he, to this day, 201 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:57,360 is the biggest affiliate I've ever met for alcoholics. And he's 21 and two years old. We 202 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:02,880 got a sobriety date tattooed on him from J.A. Simpson. And he knew that the guy did not want 203 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:07,280 to leave. He had everything he had built up in two years. But he was keeping secrets from his 204 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:14,880 sponsoring. So anyway, I was like, this is the real thing. Like, alcoholism is absolutely real. 205 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:19,920 And then I read enough of the big book and got it up to the fourth step because the first 206 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:25,520 40 pages of the big book, why it's getting to the fourth step, is diagnostic. It explains physically 207 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:31,360 and mentally and alludes seriously to the disease of alcoholism. Alcohol comes in bottles. Alcohol 208 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:38,400 has nothing to do except with medicine, but I suffer from alcohol. Alcoholism can kill me, 209 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:43,360 it's sober. I have friends, I have a friend in my home group who is over 20 years sober this last 210 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:48,000 year committed suicide. And he, by his own admission, was like, "I can't get back into being 211 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:53,520 excited about an age." Like, dude, nobody's excited about it. We just don't want to die or go insane. 212 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:58,080 Just do it and it'll come back. You know, we have to live our way into better thinking and I'll take 213 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:02,240 our way into better living. I'm glad to know this is not a faith-based program, it's an action-based 214 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:06,480 program. When I took the actions, my mind falls. The body and the mind will fall. And he didn't do 215 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,720 it when he committed suicide. He's a nice guy, he didn't relapse, but I'd rather do neither and 216 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:16,000 continue to experience the gift of a better life and sobriety. But, so after seeing the relapse, 217 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:21,760 as I was sponsoring, he was like really desperate and willing to be destroyed. So I threw this step, 218 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:27,120 was sober about a year and a half. Met someone in a, my son's mother. We started dating, 219 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:34,080 when he got pregnant. That's cool, nothing wrong with that, but we both were newcomers and didn't 220 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:39,920 know a lot. And I didn't know what I was getting into, not that it didn't work out well, but you 221 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:45,040 know, I actually didn't even know she was sober and moved to Oregon. And because you can do anything 222 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:50,080 you want to, everything's possible. Any dream, it's all you're doing when it's possible. You get 223 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:54,000 through this step. You can take your spiritual awakening anywhere, you don't need to stay in one 224 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,920 spot. Anyways, she called me and I was like, "Hey, I'm going to unity. I'm going to do what 225 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:03,360 I want to do." Came back, we were back, because we wanted to keep the child and so we lied. So 226 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:07,680 we wouldn't be able to stop dating and we never got back together. Anyways, when my son was nine 227 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:13,520 months old, he left and went to prison. Now I'm a single father in sobriety with a nine-month-old 228 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:18,880 baby. And I have an extreme disease, so I need an extreme program of recovery. Because I was a 229 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:24,720 single family, I kind of backed away a little bit. I mean, I did last night and for good reason, 230 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,600 you know, it's not like, you know, I didn't totally cut any out. I guess we've been going 231 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:32,880 to a meeting every day and doing potholes every weekend. I'm like, "Have you left? I had a newborn 232 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:40,080 baby." But that's very good for me because I met another alcoholic who was six over 60 days and 233 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:45,440 really about five, two super crazy alcoholics in my life. I was married to the other one for nine 234 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:54,160 years and then eventually she left. But my son, you know, his mom got out of jail and I was five 235 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:59,040 weeks sober. And then she came into my son's life, which is cool. You know, I retained full 236 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,600 custody because he got a visitation. Well, at least he got joint custody. And then when he was 237 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:11,280 10 years sober, she relapsed. My first wife went back to school. My first year at sobriety was my 238 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,360 last year in college, so I had already gotten a bachelor's degree and graduated, which was super 239 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:20,560 difficult being new and going to school. But I had a strong home group and strong sponsors and so 240 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:27,040 that's what made it possible. I came close to my husband and my home group. But he, you know, 241 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,680 wanted to go to school, so he went to school, was super successful, ended up getting a PhD 242 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:36,320 in nine years. He was a writer and people were flying around the country to talk to my variety 243 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:41,280 and to speak what other colleges were. And, you know, Ralph W. from South Central Los Angeles, an 244 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:46,240 awesome old-time A.A. to become a good friend of mine, always says, "Don't let the good life A.A. 245 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:53,120 give you in the way of your A.A. life." And he just had too much success going on and just got 246 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:58,000 tired of doing A.A., which is fine. That's my judgment. It's not the way he told me when we 247 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,480 were married counseling. We were married counseling and he said to the marriage counselor, "It pisses 248 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:06,800 me off that he puts A.A. before me in marriage." And I fell out of my cell. I was like, "That's what 249 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,360 we're supposed to do. A.A. is right. He has to become number one." That's what we both converted 250 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:16,800 meeting. That's when your close responses tell us. And I looked at the therapist not knowing he 251 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:21,120 doesn't know anything about A.A. and he's all telling you, "Put your marriage and your wife 252 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:26,320 before A.A." And I said, "I will have to talk to you after I talk to my partner." I would get back 253 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:34,320 to you guys after I talked to him. And it looked to me like I was forced to do that. I'm still 254 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:42,080 here, right? So I called my sponsor and he was like, "You know what? You're solid. You're good. 255 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:46,480 We'll talk more. Go to life one meeting a week for a while. See if you ever what she wants and 256 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:51,760 what the therapist does and see if that fixes the situation." And after like a month, he's like, 257 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:56,320 "You know what? You're not that interesting. Go back to doing what you were doing. You're 258 00:20:56,320 --> 00:21:00,400 actually annoying. I don't know why I don't feel comfortable or like one of my hobbies." 259 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:20,800 So we ended up getting explored. And my son, because he was my biological son, stayed with me. 260 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:25,600 My son, the group, I got sober in a group in Orange County called Dog on the Rough, which 261 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:30,240 usually when I say that name, people all hit the ball. They were connected to the specific group 262 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:35,840 because the founder of that group, Keith Drumm, was sponsored by either Clancy or Johnny who go 263 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:40,320 to Gwynn's in the Pacific. So they were driving me to that meeting when it was at the synagogue, 264 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:49,600 back then when I was like, "This is late. Is this like the student type? This is super weird." 265 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:55,040 So in Dog on the Rough, it was like everybody had Harleys, everybody wore leathers. It was a 266 00:21:55,040 --> 00:22:01,440 biker suit, but like outside of parents. But it was like a hardcore A-group model on the Pacific 267 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:05,280 group. There's no way I could know any of that. I didn't care about anybody. I'm like, 268 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:10,720 "I'm the A-group sponsor. How can I leave the meeting early before? How can my commitment 269 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:15,120 to confidence get the hell out of here?" And all this stuff is important to me, but it wasn't fun. 270 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:20,880 So now I'm taking the Pacific group. I found a way. I took the files to my lab for one day. 271 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:26,160 So I'm like, "I'm sorry, but I've been exposed to it and still staying in that group active." 272 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:33,440 And so I was talking to a friend recently who was young. We were young people in it, 273 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:39,920 at least we were white folks. And we were like the young people. And now we're both 24 years old. I 274 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:45,040 think he's 25. And he kind of thinks he stole me from "Dog on the Roof" at one point because he got 275 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:49,680 a video of me flying on. I was talking to him. I'm like, "Yeah, I'm still in the Pacific group." 276 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:54,000 He's like, "You know, Pacific groups is just "Dog on the Roof" groups. You're not as good as me." 277 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:58,800 And it's just they wear leathers and biker outfits and "Dog on the Roof" if they weren't as close to 278 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:03,360 them as I was in the Pacific group. I like the results. And I'm enjoying the results of 279 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:07,680 being in the group. So every time he's saying, "My heart of power will let me know he wants me 280 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:17,280 from my house." So my son, anyways, they believed in family recovery. So my son was in in reality 281 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:22,560 from the age of six until he was 17. So my son, you know, because both his parents were from home, 282 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:29,280 and his mom wasn't sober for a long time. And he liked it. I remember when he first started going 283 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,720 to meetings, I was like, "Hey, what goes on in your meetings?" And he's all, "Yeah, you have your 284 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:42,640 own meetings. Why are you worried about memory?" And he's probably asking me, "What are they 285 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:50,080 thinking?" I was like, "That's cool. I respect that." And so my friend told me, "Don't think that 286 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:54,960 that's going to inoculate your son from getting alcoholism if, you know, he didn't likely be 287 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:59,520 disposed. If he could still turn out like he did." Which I thought he wouldn't because my 288 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:06,240 parents don't know, call it, my dad and mom, but he is. Right now, so he started his first rehab. 289 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:11,440 He went to rehab in Malibu when he was 17. He was there for a year, and he went to high school out 290 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:17,200 there. Then he got away at 17. He lived with me for a while, then he moved. Right now, he is 291 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:23,440 awaiting sentencing. He's telling me something he did when he was 10. So I go visit him all the time, 292 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:30,800 and his mother won't. He relaxed. He caught her drinking and doing drugs, and then he married this 293 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:36,960 really, really wealthy guy who was a member and is no longer than me. Which is cool. I like the guy. 294 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:42,320 I mean, we've almost done a fist fight when my son was little, but because of me. I've always been 295 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:46,640 almost laying on his mom just because of me because I was the one that was, you know, because I had 296 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:53,360 custody, so I was kind of a jerk about it and made things hard on him. But, you know, her husband, my 297 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:57,840 son, he relapsed at their house and was drawn to beat their friends out of my son. So they took 298 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:03,120 everything in me not to go and they called my sponsor. Because if I'm sober, it doesn't mean 299 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:09,040 I'm sick. It doesn't mean I don't get resentment. I don't want to retaliate. I don't suffer the 300 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:14,800 delusion that I'm right, you know. And all of a sudden, when I was talking to my dad, he said, 301 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:18,320 "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" If I could be in my friend's situation, 302 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:23,360 he's sober. There was an old timer in my first home group who was 30 years sober who ran someone 303 00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:27,520 over with his car and almost killed him. And we're still friends. He, you know, he had to go to jail 304 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:32,480 and do a bunch of stuff, but he didn't have sober. So standing close and being close to old timers and 305 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:37,920 being friends with them, I have gotten to see how alcoholism isn't about drinking. That alcoholism 306 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:42,560 is in my mind. My mind's trying to kill me, but it'll settle for drunk and miserable. Maybe it'll 307 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:47,680 try to sabotage and burn my life to the ground while I'm sober. So I have to do this aggressively 308 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:53,760 and proactively. I take this seriously every day up until this moment, like it's life or death. 309 00:25:53,760 --> 00:26:00,000 Because it is. I may not relapse, but I can totally turn my life into a living hell. So I 310 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:04,480 spawned for a guy who's 15 years sober, and he ended up in a straight-jacking in a mental home, 311 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:09,520 where he didn't relapse, but he was doing stuff and went totally insane. And he is my greatest 312 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:15,040 teacher, because he showed me what can happen to me, even if I don't drink. And so my son's 313 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:21,760 sentencing is in May, and it's hard. I met someone in my home group seven years ago. We dated for 314 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:28,320 seven years. We got married in May, but we're all coming up around a year. And what's great about 315 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:32,720 it is that we have a really good marriage. It's seven around, Alcoholics Anonymous. We're in the 316 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:37,440 same home group. We're willing to let each other do what we need to do. And we practiced this 317 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:42,400 tradition in our home, which I've learned in my home group. And as long as I stay active, 318 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:47,200 willing, and surrendered, and responsible, and accountable in my home group, my life is better. 319 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:51,680 We have a desire for living that can weather any storm. Horrible things have happened in my 320 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:56,800 sobriety, including the recent thing with my son. My dad died in 2020 of COVID because the hospitals 321 00:26:56,800 --> 00:27:02,160 in LA were full, and he couldn't get in. Fully preventable death. He was only 16. Plus, we have 322 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:06,400 a desire for living here that can weather any storm. And when bad things happen, we come out 323 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:11,200 stronger and wiser, and able to come upon those around us who came with us. And when we're drinking, 324 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:15,360 I can't do any of that. So thank you so much for the life you've given me in Alcoholics Anonymous, 325 00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:20,560 and the opportunity to share with you, and for what you guys, you and everyone in Alcoholics 326 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,400 Anonymous, have done for me, and will continue to do for me, and finally. Thank you.