1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,800 I know everything. This is my neighborhood. I know nothing. 2 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:09,440 So, which is what our 10-minute speaker said. Thank you so much for your share. That was fantastic. 3 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:14,960 Um, uh, statistics. I have a sobriety date. It's December 12th of 2000. I have a home group. It's 4 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:23,440 the Pacific group. And I have a sponsor. Her name is Marilyn S. And I love alcoholics. It's so 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:29,600 funny. I walked up. I thought it was a men's stack. This is great. And then, uh, how do you 6 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:33,600 people in here have less than a year? Awesome. I'm talking to you because the people with time, 7 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:41,120 they can do inventory on me, but I don't want to talk into the eight cheerleader. I love alcoholics 8 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:45,040 anonymous. If you're new, I want to welcome you to alcoholics anonymous. I didn't love alcoholics 9 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:49,200 anonymous when I got here. Um, I don't care what you're here. You'll hear some weird stuff here. 10 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:53,920 People have some ideas. I would say, show me where it says that the literature and, uh, and people 11 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:58,320 told me when I got here that you have to be here for you or you have to be, you have to want to be 12 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:02,480 here. And, um, I believe that the magic of alcoholics anonymous has worked on me, despite me, 13 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,480 I came here kicking and screaming, you know, I didn't come to you to stop drinking. I came to 14 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:10,160 you because of one of the consequences of my drinking system. Right. And if you would have 15 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:15,040 told me that included stopping drinking, I probably wouldn't have come, but luckily I didn't know all 16 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:20,320 the rules. And, um, I'm originally from Chicago. He's just, yeah, he's the tack that goes from 17 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:24,560 Chicago. And then I went to California and you guys made fun of me. So I stopped talking like 18 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:29,760 I was from Chicago, um, because I just want to fit in with you. Right. I, uh, we moved to Belair, 19 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:33,680 California, and that I hear people in alcoholics anonymous say all the time that they didn't feel 20 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:40,720 like they fit in growing up. And, um, I didn't, you know, I came here from the Midwest. She said, 21 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:45,120 I'm the Midwest and I have Midwestern values. I'm not sure about that. I didn't have any of those 22 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:51,280 installed there after the market parts, I guess. Um, but you know, we moved out here and, uh, 23 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:58,080 and you guys were super cool. It was 1976 and it was the surfer skater era. Right. And you guys 24 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:05,920 were wearing like, uh, Opie shorts and 10 socks, right? Senior Lopez ponchos and grand, you know, 25 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:11,680 and I was wearing like a polyester plaid school uniform, you know, pants that came up to my neck, 26 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:17,040 like nothing cool. And, uh, I'm always just short of being cool. Right. So I set my mom up to get 27 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:22,480 you some bands and my mom came home with bikini version and say, Oh, people know what that is. 28 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:28,960 Young people like Kayla's, Walmart, fake bands, fake bands. And I don't have the mother that's 29 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,640 like, Oh no, it's okay. I got you the fake bands. You don't have to wear those every day. My mother 30 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:38,240 made me wear those fake bands every day. And, uh, and so I don't fit in with you. Right. And I'm 31 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:43,600 smart. I don't want to fit in with a smart kid and I'm not pretty, so I'm not athletic, you know, 32 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:47,440 so I don't fit in with the jock, but I found the stoners took me without an application. 33 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:54,080 Any stoners? Oh yeah. When we sat down and we smoked a little weed, it was all good. Right. 34 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,920 It didn't matter that I was wearing fake bands anymore. And, uh, and more importantly is that 35 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:02,160 it didn't matter to you. It didn't matter to me because alcohol and drugs fix something in me 36 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:06,720 that I don't believe they fix in the normal. Um, I think we spend a lot of time around here with 37 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:11,280 each other. Right. And we hear the worst of the worst stories. Right. And we start to think that's 38 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:17,840 all normal. I love talking to normal people about drinking. I love it. It's fascinating. Right. Like 39 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:22,640 the lunchroom at work. Talk to those girls about what you do when you drink, you know, and that's 40 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:27,040 a conversation that's fascinating. And I always refer back to my brother. I have a brother. He's 41 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:31,520 not an alcoholic. He's the weirdest guy I know. Right. Everything's the same, same sperm, same 42 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:37,040 eggs, same wounds, same upbringing, but that guy doesn't have what I have. My brother has been 43 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:42,080 married to his wife for 24 years. I've been married four times. I can't get to 24 years. 44 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:46,960 He's a school teacher in Arizona. Him and his wife, they're school teachers. They have two kids 45 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:53,040 in college. They have a, they have a beige house and a beige car, you know, and they live in 46 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:58,720 Arizona. They got a beige lawn. Like they got a designer beige dog, this little sheba inu, you 47 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:04,080 know, and that's what I'm related to. Right. You know, years ago at the holidays, I said to my 48 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:08,880 brother, I said, I don't know how we came out of the same womb. And my mom yelled from the kitchen. 49 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:14,800 He's mine. You were switched at the hospital. Right. And so I don't get him. Right. But I love 50 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:20,000 to know about him and drinking. So my brother has a wine cellar in his house, which means he keeps 51 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:27,680 wine for like 10 years, 10 years, right. I can't keep mouthwash in my house. And this dude, like, 52 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:31,440 when I asked him about his drinking, I find it really fascinating because this is what he says, 53 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:35,520 I go, what happens when you drink and it's, well, you know, I have a glass of wine and I start to 54 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:40,560 feel it. I'm like, good. Good start. Keep going. Yeah. Yeah. And then he says, and then I have a 55 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:48,960 second glass of wine. I start to feel out of control. So I, I have my second drink and I'm 56 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:54,160 starting to feel in control. I have my second drink and I'm taking my keys back because I can 57 00:04:54,160 --> 00:05:01,040 drive my car, maybe a forklift, 18 Wheeler. Right. Like I'm feeling in control and he has a different 58 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:06,480 effect produced by alcohol. Right. For me, it fixes something in me that it doesn't fix in him. 59 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:11,200 And and I'm growing up in this house and you know, I'm drinking and using and doing all the things 60 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:16,640 that I can do. And I'm 17 years old and I stopped going to school. The school starts early in the 61 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:21,680 morning and I'm not really a fan. And if you don't go to school in my house, you can't live there. 62 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,920 And that's fine. I leave because I don't need you anyways. You know, when I move out of that house 63 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:30,080 and I'm drinking and using and doing the things the way I like to do them. And by the time I'm 21 64 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:34,560 years old, I have the outside manifestations of a drug addiction. In those days, we were snorting 65 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:40,560 a lot of cocaine because it was not cool to smoke it yet. And my nose is cauterized a bunch of times. 66 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,320 You know, my gums are worn away and I'm rewiring the vacuum cleaner at three o'clock in the morning. 67 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:51,040 It's obvious I have a drug problem. And and so I decided that life was too much to bear. I took 68 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:56,400 64 sleeping pills, 10 cold tablets, washed it down with a bottle of Kahlua. And I put on a long white 69 00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:02,480 gown to die, right? Because I'm the super drama queen and you'll feel terrible when you find me. 70 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:09,200 Oh my God. And luckily or unluckily, you know, I'm a drunk dialer and I called my mom and my mom's 71 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:14,400 a therapist. And there's nothing worse than being put on a 72 hour hold in a lockdown psych ward, 72 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:20,240 put there by your mother, your Jewish mother at best. And in that psych ward, I told them I was 73 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:24,800 depressed and I couldn't get out of bed. And I told them that I didn't want to live. I didn't 74 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:28,800 tell them about the drugs and I sure as heck didn't tell them about the drinking. And they 75 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,560 sent me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm pretty sure they knew, right? And 76 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:39,120 what I remember is a bunch of toothless old guys, probably at the age I am now. And these guys 77 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:43,520 talked about how they had lost their family due to drinking and they had lost their home due to 78 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:48,800 drinking and they lost their job due to drinking, you know. And I was 21 years old and I haven't 79 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:53,200 lost anything yet. I didn't have anything to lose. And I thought I'm not an alcoholic, but I know 80 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:57,040 that drugs are my problem and I'm just not going to do drugs anymore. And I got out of that psych 81 00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:01,200 ward with the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous called Self-Knowledge, right? Drugs are my 82 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:06,160 problem. I'm not going to do drugs anymore. We're all good. In that psych ward they gave me 83 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:12,240 medication. I do love medication. I love medication that says don't drink with this medication because 84 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:17,520 you know it's going to be good. And I'm going to fix it, right? I'm going to fix it all myself. 85 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,520 I got out of that psych ward. I met a man. I've been married four times. That's a lot of my story. 86 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:27,120 I have a tattoo on my arm so it seemed like a good idea at the time. I've had four marriages. 87 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:32,240 Every one of them was brilliant. And I'm always trying to fix my insides by fixing my outsides. 88 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,680 So I met a man who didn't do drugs and that's great because I'm not doing drugs anymore. You 89 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:41,040 know, we threw away my bong together, you know, and we're going to live happily ever after. And 90 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:45,440 we moved to Simi Valley, California because drug addicts don't live in Simi Valley, California. 91 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,360 We buy a house on a cul-de-sac, right? Because drug addicts don't live in a house on a cul-de-sac. 92 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:53,840 I start driving a station wagon because drug addicts don't drive a station wagon. 93 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:58,240 And I start listening to country music because drug addicts don't listen to country music, 94 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:03,200 right? It's not rock and roll that's messing me up. But nothing changes and I'm drinking and I'm 95 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:08,400 taking pills and it's getting worse. And I married that man and we have my beautiful son and I used 96 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:12,560 to think I was a really good mom because I didn't drink or use the whole time I was pregnant with my 97 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:17,360 son. But my son was conceived in a vat of drugs and alcohol and I'm the mom who can't breastfeed 98 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:21,680 because I can't go two weeks after he's born without having something in my system. And I 99 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:27,440 have this baby that I wasn't necessarily attached to and I'm going on with this life and I'm 100 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,840 drinking. And things are getting worse and one day this guy ups and leaves and that's fine because 101 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,320 I don't need you anyway. And I met a nice Al-Anon man who took care of me and my son for a year and 102 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:41,280 a half so we didn't die and I'm super grateful. One night I went out to the bar and I met him. 103 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:47,360 I knew I was in love. He was wearing his work uniform. It had a patch with his name on it so 104 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:51,840 I could remember his name throughout my whole blackout, you know. And he had a crystal mess 105 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:57,520 problem so he was sicker than me and it was on. And we went back to that Al-Anon guy's house and 106 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:01,920 we picked up my kid and we picked up my stuff and it was on. So that guy and I, we got married. 107 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,880 We got married in our apartment because he was on house arrest. Have you done that too? 108 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:09,520 Nothing goes better with a rented tuxedo than an ankle bracelet. 109 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:14,880 Beautiful wedding. And by this time my parents have disowned me in an email because they're 110 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,520 techno savvy and they said we're not going to watch you die and we're not going to watch you 111 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:21,280 take our grandson with you and my response is I don't need you anyway. And I've lost my third 112 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,800 job that year and I've been hospitalized four times for drinking. And they're trying to take 113 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:29,120 my son away from me and that's fine because it's a lot of work anyway. You know when I got sober 114 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:33,440 I used to tell people I want to want to be a good mother because it's a lot of work and I don't even 115 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,920 want to do it. And if you would have asked me at that point if I was an alcoholic I would have told 116 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:43,520 you no. I would have told you the problem was baby daddy. The problem was my boss. The problem was my 117 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:48,240 parents. The problem with you. What happened was a series of events. I didn't have a job anymore. 118 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,240 I'm backed into a corner one more time and I went to a treatment center. I am the girl who took all 119 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:57,840 her drugs to treatment. I really didn't know the whole thing. I had four alcoholic comas the last 120 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,120 year in my drink and I knew you guys weren't going to let me drink anymore. I mean alcoholics, 121 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:05,600 anonymous, it's in the name. I figured that was the deal. But the guy unpacked my bags at the 122 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:09,760 treatment center pulled out my ziploc bag with 15 prescriptions and it was like oh what are these? 123 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:14,560 I was like oh those are my medications. They're prescribed by a doctor. And they said you got a 124 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:20,960 lot of doctors. I said I have a lot of ailments. And he says some of them are in Puerto Rico. 125 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:26,000 And he was great because he knew that I was ready to run out the front door of this treatment center 126 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,040 and he said what I'm going to do is I'm going to take them up front. When you need them you can 127 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:34,240 come get them. And I thought this place is cool. So much better than the psych ward. And that night 128 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,560 they brought in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and you guys scare me to death. You're smiling, 129 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:46,320 you're happy, you're shiny, you're clean. You want to hug me? And I went running up to that front 130 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:51,920 office. Knocked on the door. Nice guy unpacked my bags. Nowhere to be found. Woman opens the door, 131 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,760 whack. I said I need two Ativan, two Xanax, a Valium, a Vicodin, a Prasadona, Wabutrin, 132 00:10:55,760 --> 00:11:00,240 and a Prozac, please. I'm having an anxiety attack. And she said you can't have that here. 133 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:05,680 And I said no you don't understand, right? Because that's the cry of the alcoholic is you don't 134 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,960 understand. And she said yes I do. The worst thing that's going to happen is you're going to 135 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,600 hyperventilate, you're going to pass out on the floor, you're going to wake up, and you're going 136 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:15,600 to be fine. She was absolutely right. I hyperventilated, I passed out on the floor, I woke up, 137 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:21,040 I was fine. I hated two people so much. I spent my first week in alcoholics anonymous in this 138 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:24,960 treatment center watching these kind of meetings from behind like the sliding glass little nurses 139 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,960 window that they have in the receiving area. Because when I'm hyperventilating and passing 140 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:33,680 out your meetings, it's really super disruptive. And I spent my second week in alcoholics anonymous, 141 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:37,920 I had to sit right there by the door with my foot touching the outside wall. I wouldn't hyperventilate 142 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:42,080 and pass out your meetings. That's what I brought you. And I was going to do some of what you did 143 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:47,440 when I got here. I wasn't going to do all of what you did when I got here. I like meetings. You know, 144 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:51,040 I didn't have much of a social life when I got here, so I enjoyed meetings. I always say they 145 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:55,840 have my three favorite cheese cookies, coffee, convicts. I love meetings, right? Use it as a 146 00:11:55,840 --> 00:12:00,640 dating service. Odds are good, goods are odd. We'd probably take commitments. I'd take commitments, 147 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,160 I'd look cute and need the center of attention. I would jump up, "I'm your chitchig, or your 148 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,920 little chitchig." You know, but I still wasn't setting up your stairs or picking up your 149 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:13,280 cigarette bus. And they call me to get a sponsor. I got a sponsor pretty much in name only because 150 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:17,440 every time I talk to her, she'd tell me what to do. You know, I'm horrible with authority figures. 151 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:24,000 And they call me to work the steps. I don't really like action words of any kind. I don't want to 152 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:29,840 work the steps, work out at the gym, work, get a job. I just don't feel that that's my jam. 153 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:34,480 And they told me not to get in a relationship my first year, but I didn't. I got my first 154 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:41,120 relationship at a year and a day. Followed the rules. I've worked at none. I got no God, 155 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:47,680 no sponsor, but we're going to meetings. He's been out of jail for eight days. We're in luck. 156 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:53,120 You know how this ends, huh? And we're in luck, but we're going to be that old sober couple in 157 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:57,600 the corner. You know, every clubhouse has that old sober couple, right? You know, Marcia and 158 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:02,080 Bob in the corner with their big book and we're going to be them. I don't know how they got there, 159 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,280 but I'm sure it's just going to meetings. You know, and in nine months he was loaded in my 160 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,640 household. The money was gone and he was walking out my front door. And for me, this causes a 161 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,640 problem because I have alcohol. I have at this point of the year, nine months of completely 162 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:18,320 untreated alcoholism. My alcoholism demands treatment. It's a man's treatment with a spiritual 163 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:23,760 solution as outlined in our book for alcohol and drugs. So it was eight days before my second sober 164 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:27,360 birthday. That's two years without a drink or a drug, if you're counting. And I had a plan. 165 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:33,360 I was going to buy a gun so I could blow my head up on my second AA birthday. That's the best I got 166 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,560 at two years without a drink. See, I thought when I came to you, if I could stop drinking and doing 167 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:41,040 drugs, things were going to get better, but I have alcoholism. So what happens when I stopped 168 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,920 drinking and doing drugs without a sufficient substitute, things get a lot worse. And luckily 169 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:49,520 I had trained my feet and alcoholics anonymous. I hadn't trained my brain here yet. My feet took 170 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:53,520 me out of that shower and took me to a meeting, a meeting where some wonderful women grabbed me, 171 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:57,440 women who care more about my life than my feelings. And if you're new, I hope someone cares more about 172 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,200 your life than your feelings. And they said, you do some of what we do here. You don't do all of 173 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:04,800 what we do here. And you're dying of alcohol. And on that day I was desperate and willing. And if 174 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,240 you're new, shoot desperate, desperate for some willingness. Cause if you're not, you won't do the 175 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:12,560 things we do to stay. And I would love to tell you that this is a story, right? Where then I worked 176 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,800 the steps. I was actively sponsored and the rest of those 22 years, I'm walking through the fields 177 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:23,280 with Bill Bob and Jesus, right? But that's not how I roll out. Like I am, you know, it talks about 178 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,760 defiance is the number one characteristic of the alcoholic. I go with it and then I fight it and 179 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:32,560 then I go with it. And my life is like this. You know, I used to think when I came here that it was 180 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:36,240 like, it was going to be like this. I get sober and it's better and it's better and it's better 181 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:40,800 and it's better and it's better and it's better and it's not like that. Life is like this. You 182 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,760 know, what Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the tools to do is to surf the wave, right? This wave 183 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:50,160 is not going to change, right? I, uh, three and a half years sober, I got my son back, you know, 184 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:54,240 and, uh, I lived in a one bedroom apartment. I didn't know I was going to put him in the people 185 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:59,200 and AA came over and put up a tent in my dining room so my son could have a bedroom. It was his 186 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:03,920 favorite, you know? And, uh, and I started to rebuild everything here in Alcoholics Anonymous 187 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:08,720 and I was, uh, I was five years sober and a man came to my big Sunday night speaker meeting. He 188 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:14,240 did the 10 minutes and we fell madly in love and we got married in a big AA wedding with 239 of our 189 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:19,600 closest friends and family and, uh, we bought a beautiful house and I had a good job and I'm 190 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:24,080 driving a BMW and it looks really good on the outside. I'm only missing one thing. So you guys 191 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:29,360 kept talking about God. See, I'm not a fan of this God guy. I, uh, I grew up with a punishing God, 192 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:33,280 right? My mom, you'd bang your knee on the coffee table and my Jewish mother would yell from the 193 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:39,120 other room, God bless her, you know? And, uh, I don't want that dude to know where I live, 194 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:44,560 you know? And, and I don't want them. And I'm self-will. I'm self-will. You know, my, 195 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:49,520 my sponsor used to say, uh, my favorite sentence in the English language is I got this. And if I 196 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,760 got this, I'm not turning my will in my life over the care of anything but me. And so I'm eight and 197 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:58,240 a half years sober and, uh, and I started thinking. See, I don't have a drinking problem. I have a 198 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:02,960 thinking problem, right? Cause if I had a drinking problem, I'd stop drinking. We'd be fine. 199 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,960 Wouldn't be here with you on a Saturday night, right? It's all good. But I have a thinking 200 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:11,120 problem, right? And I started thinking, I mean, I wonder if these people in AA are doing everything 201 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:15,520 they say they're doing, like, come on, seriously, like rigorous honesty, who does that? And it 202 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:20,000 started really simply with illegally downloading music. Cause I think I'm entitled. And then I 203 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,000 thought it was okay to cheat on my taxes. And then I thought it was okay to cheat on my husband with 204 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,480 a 24 year old boy who had 18 months sober and no regard to his welfare whatsoever. And I was doing 205 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:33,280 baby stuff in and out of these rooms, but I'm sober, right? I'm stark raving sober and I can 206 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:38,640 talk a good game. So, you know, I go to a meeting and I got the good parking space and the fancy 207 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:43,360 water and I'm sponsoring half the San Fernando Valley, trying to transmit something I haven't got. 208 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:48,720 And the woman who was my sponsor for 13 years came into my life and she said, you're going to drink. 209 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:53,680 And I was like, no, right. Don't you know who I think I am? She said, you're the prom queen of the 210 00:16:53,680 --> 00:17:02,480 leper colony. Now what, you know, you're popular in AA. She opens up that book. And so if I continue, 211 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,320 if my motives didn't change and I continue to harm others, I was poor to drink. I didn't believe her. 212 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:11,120 So 10 years sober, I was standing at a bar in Las Vegas, Nevada, a bar I had been in a bunch 213 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:15,680 of times for work parties. And I had a thought to have a thinking problem, sudden thoughts, 214 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:20,800 impulsive actions. And I had a thought, and that thought was, you know, if I weren't an alcoholic, 215 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,400 I wouldn't have to live up to the spiritual garbage, which is a super scary thought for 216 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:28,240 an alcoholic like me because I was about to take a drink. See that woman told me that everything I 217 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:32,560 was doing was walking towards a drink or walking away from a drink. I'm not just being here with 218 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:37,440 you because I can be a spiritual beacon of light for an hour, right? Sit next to me on the freeway. 219 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,920 Like I come in here and I think I'm doing this and I'm fine. And then it got in the world and I tear 220 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:47,440 up, you know, the girl in the checkout line or even worse, the guy in front of me, who's standing 221 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:52,720 in the checkout line that, you know, 10 items or less and he's got 12 and I need to tell him, 222 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,960 right? And I'm living like that. And I called up that woman and I said, "I'm going to drink. What 223 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:02,080 do I do?" She said, "What's a program of principles and you don't have any." The first one being 224 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:06,000 honesty and the second one being humility. And I found out when I got honest, humility soon took 225 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,320 care of itself. When people here out in the San Fernando Valley found out I cheated on the nicest 226 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:14,640 guy in Alcoholics Anonymous, the guy who founded my home group, people at meetings weren't nice 227 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:19,520 to me. People walk up to me and go, "Walk away from me." Which was great because you guys couldn't 228 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:23,840 be my higher power for one more second. It says on letters to the God could and would if he were 229 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:29,040 sought. I have to go seek. It's an asking word again. When you get here, you know, they tell you, 230 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:34,160 they say, "You know, make the doorknob your higher power. Make the tree your higher power. Make the 231 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,760 group your higher power." But eventually a doorknob is going to break and a tree is going to get cut 232 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:41,600 down and you're going to fail me. You're human. And everything that came between me and God went 233 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:46,880 away. I lost that that marriage. I lost that house. I told them my pretty BMW texting because 234 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:51,520 that was so important. I couldn't miss that text, right? And everything that came between me and God 235 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:56,880 went away. I ended up in a guest house in someone's backyard seeking God. And having had a spiritual 236 00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:02,080 awakening and the result of these steps, that's all I get. Like when we read that in meetings, 237 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:06,800 we say "the" a lot of times and people think it's "a" like I get other things here. I was sure it 238 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:11,600 was about cash and prizes, you know, and cash and prizes have come and cash and prizes have gone. 239 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,680 But that's not what I get here. I get with God and I get to give it to somebody else. That's it. 240 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:20,080 If you have asked me my first 10 years if I had worked the steps, I would have told you yes. 241 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,800 If you would have asked me about my 11th step practice, I would have told you, "I don't like 242 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:30,880 meditating. I have to do it all." You know, I ended up in this guest house and in someone's 243 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:36,720 backyard meditating, seeking God. I'm not Buddhist because I still eat the sentient beings. I say, 244 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:40,800 "I'm Buddhist." You know, I was raised Jewish, so here in L.A. that makes me a Buju. 245 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:46,960 I think I have a connection. I have a connection with this power greater than myself that solves 246 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,880 my problems. It talks about in the book, solves my problems. It doesn't say my drinking problem, 247 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,960 my drug problem, my shoe cropping problem, my boy problem, my cake problem, because I have all of 248 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:59,600 them. God has to be able to solve it all. I have to have a big enough God. And if you're counting, 249 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,440 I'm only on husband number three. They were four, so we'll get to the next one. I think there's like 250 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:08,960 a four seat. And not long after that, I met a guy. He lived in another country, fell madly in love, 251 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:13,760 and I thought, "Oh, it's going to be great. It's in another country." And I have been moved to 252 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:18,880 England and I figured, "Well, it's good." I thought that we spoke the same language. We don't. I speak 253 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:25,600 American. And I didn't move somewhere cool like London. I moved to like the Oklahoma of England 254 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:31,280 and not like Oklahoma City, like Enid, Oklahoma, like cows and sheep and pups. That's thoughtful. 255 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,920 And I thought it's going to be great, right? There's alcoholics anonymous everywhere. It's 256 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:39,760 going to be fine. And I was used to meetings in Los Angeles, big old meetings, dog and pony show 257 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:45,360 meetings and everything. And these meetings were the same eight people in every meeting. 258 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:49,760 And you would move from town to town if there was one every night of the week, if you were lucky. 259 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:54,960 I really wanted women in my life at this point. And there were no women. There were two women. 260 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:59,840 One had six months sober, one had 20 years sober. And within six months of my arrival, 261 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,120 someone who was 20 years sober was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. And I thought, 262 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,400 "I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm going to die here. There's no newcomers. There's 263 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:10,320 no nothing. There's no one to work with." And my sponsor just kept saying, "Show up with the big 264 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:15,200 book of alcoholics anonymous and be the example of alcoholics anonymous, you know." There were no 265 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:19,520 steps or traditions on the wall. There wasn't a book in the room. They were complaining about 266 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:24,240 their day. No solution. And I thought, "Oh my God, I'm going to die here." And eventually one woman 267 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:28,560 showed up and another woman showed up and another woman showed up. And over the four years that I 268 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:34,240 lived there, I ended up sponsoring Seventeen Women, which is my purpose. It wasn't the dude. 269 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:41,920 I know you're soft. That didn't work out. But I also know that my God knows me and God himself, 270 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:48,560 Charlton Heston God with robe and staff could come down and go, "Lulu, I need you to go to the 271 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,880 middle of England in this small town and do my work." I would have been like, "Dude, I live in 272 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:57,600 this town Fernando Valley and I'm super busy." So he sent me a cute guy with an English accent. 273 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:06,560 I'm gone. There you are. And after four years there, it was time to come home. And I came to 274 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:12,800 move back to Los Angeles. I had lived in the Noho Arts District for four years, 14 years before I 275 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:16,240 left here. And I wanted to go back there because I don't know, it seemed like the cool part of the 276 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:21,200 valley, whatever that is. And it had doubled in price. And I got offered a guest house in 277 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:25,680 Northridge. Northridge. I was like, "Northridge?" I called my sponsor. I said, "Northridge ain't 278 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:30,560 home for nothing but an earthquake. I am not going to Northridge." And my sponsor told me to 279 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:35,600 shut up and take the guest house. And I moved into this little guest house in Northridge and 280 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:41,680 started living my life. The universe sends me miniature things. I live in a 600 square foot 281 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:47,040 guest house. I have a five pound Chihuahua and I drive a Miata. I'm not petite. I'm not really sure 282 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:51,040 why the universe keeps sending me tiny things, but I guess that's what it's supposed to be. And 283 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:57,440 I was back here living my life. And then 2020 came. Anybody else have a weird 2020? A little 284 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:03,760 strange, yeah? A little off? I would say I had a little side of weird sauce with my 2020. On 285 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:08,960 January 19th of 2020, I had a stroke. They say it must've been really traumatic. I don't know. It 286 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:13,840 affects your brain. I have no recollection of anything that day, pretty much the day before, 287 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:19,360 week before, knocks everything out of you. And they say get a good sponsor. They'll save your 288 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:23,600 life. Mine did, if you know it's acting weird, which is important because I'm kind of weird 289 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:31,840 to begin with. And my best friend got me to call 911. It's very time sensitive when you're having 290 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:37,120 a stroke. It's a blood clot in your brain and it takes three hours to get the shot. It clears the 291 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:42,560 clot out of your brain and then it's over. And amazingly enough, they got me to call 911. The 292 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:47,520 paramedics showed up and they took me to Northridge Hospital, the only stroke center in the San 293 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:53,520 Fernando Valley. I lived a mile from it. Is it odd or is it gone? When they took me to the hospital, 294 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:57,680 they diagnosed me with something called MRSA. I didn't know what MRSA was. I didn't really care. 295 00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:02,800 I was busy having a stroke. I was in ICU for a week afterwards and I got out of that hospital. 296 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:08,560 And a month later I lost my job and pretty much my whole career, I didn't work again for 14 months. 297 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:14,160 And on March 13th, Friday the 13th, you guys were shutting down for COVID. And I got really sick 298 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:18,880 with MRSA. I had abscesses all over my body. I was septic and I almost died for the second time 299 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:23,120 that year. And they were going in and out of all the emergency rooms. They didn't know what COVID 300 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:28,080 looked like. They were treating me in a hazmat suit, in a tent, in a parking lot. And it was 301 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:33,520 pretty awful. And I thought that would be the perfect time to get in a relationship. Thank you. 302 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:40,000 It was a guy who was 25 years old, four months sober and five days out of prison. Thank you. 303 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:45,600 Thank you very much. That's a good idea. No, it's fine. I knew his mom's from AA. By April, 304 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:50,720 you guys were all like that, right? Alcoholics Anonymous says I knew it was gone. You guys were 305 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:54,640 all in little squares on a computer and I was completely detached from them. By May, 306 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:59,040 the MRSA attacked bones in my mouth. I needed major surgery to have bones removed from my mouth. 307 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:05,680 And by June, that relationship ended in a hotel room in Vegas. And my ass was falling off. And 308 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:10,080 when I was new, they used to tell you if your ass is falling off, take it up and put it in a bag and 309 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:15,040 take it to a meeting, right? So you weren't there anymore. You were in little squares. Oh, I can't 310 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:19,440 get this. I don't know, you know. And I was 19 years sober and I didn't want to live anymore. 311 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:23,280 I didn't want to actively harm myself, but I would drive around in my little Miata and think it'd be 312 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:27,200 fine if that truck came on the other side of the road. It's a really scary place to be. And then 313 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:32,720 I remembered there was a meeting in a park and I had taken this kid to a rogue illegal meeting in a 314 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:38,320 park, Van Alden Park. So I picked up my camping chair and I picked up my big book and I went out 315 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,400 to that park every day at noon and six. You know, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that 316 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,320 nothing, the big thing about Alcoholics Anonymous says that nothing will so much ensure immunity 317 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:50,880 from drinking than intensive work with another alcoholic. And see the treatment centers around 318 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:55,280 here were bringing the vans full of girls out to the park. There was nobody to sponsor those girls 319 00:25:55,280 --> 00:26:00,080 because as my sponsor said, anybody with any sense was at home. And so they would come off 320 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:05,120 these vans. I would chase down those vans back in the day. I would chase down these crazy book lady 321 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:08,320 in the park. You want to go through the book? No, you won't even have to tell your treatment center. 322 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:12,400 You do not have to tell them I'm your sponsor. I do not care what their requirements are. Sit down, 323 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:16,880 let's go through the book work just that. Not for them, for me, because I knew. Right. I can tell 324 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:21,280 you that active sponsorship saved my life. We were out in that park, you know, I didn't work for 14 325 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:26,240 months. I had figured out I could live for six months on what I had in my savings and I made it 326 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,560 through. But I'll tell you, you know, I was talking to my sponsor one night and they said they brought 327 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:34,560 food boxes out to the park for the people who needed them. And she said, did you take a food 328 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:39,280 box? And I said, oh no. And she said, do you have any food in your house? And I said, no, because 329 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:46,080 I'm 20 years sober and I can't let you see me take a food box. My ego is still so huge. It's 20 years, 330 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:49,680 right? And I'm not going to let you see me take a food box. And that woman told me to go out there 331 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:53,360 and take a food box. And I always talked about the fact that we all got through that, you know, 332 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:57,840 we got through okay. I'll tell you that kid, that kid that had their relationship with on September 333 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:04,720 16th of this last year, after 10 more rehabs, OD'd and died. It's deadly. It's not planned, right? 334 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:10,000 This is deadly serious. Like I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love to have fun. But people are 335 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:16,880 dying. I buried a good friend of mine's daughter in the end of 2019. And I had known her since she 336 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:21,120 was a little girl, long before she was an addict. And she took one pill in a CVS parking lot in Santa 337 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:26,800 Clarita. And that's it. 22 years old. Gone. You know, I work this thing like my life depends on 338 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:31,520 it, right? I thank you. I'm gonna tell you real quick about my beige brother. I hated my beige 339 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:38,720 brother for a long time. That guy. He's perfect. And when I was 24 years old, my dad died. And my 340 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:42,720 brother was completely useless when I was cleaning out my dad's stuff. My dad was kind of a high end 341 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:48,800 hoarder. It was a big mess. And my brother said he wanted one thing and my dad, it was a Movado 342 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:53,120 watch. I made sure when I cleaned out my dad's stuff. When I found the Movado watch, I stuck it 343 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:57,760 in my pocket and I never gave it to my brother. Do that guy. And when I was 10 years sober and 344 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,520 I was coming to meetings and you guys were being mean to me, I'll call my sponsor crying. 345 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:07,360 My sponsor says, why don't you give your brother the watch? 346 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:14,560 Why don't you give your brother the watch since he'd hang up the phone every day? Why don't you 347 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:17,600 give your brother the watch? He'd hang up the phone. I don't know about you guys, but I'll do 348 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:22,960 anything to shut up my sponsor. So eventually I was like, fine. Took the watch to a jewelry store, 349 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:27,520 had it all done nicely, new band, everything beautiful, put it in a box. I called my mom. 350 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:31,840 My brother was visiting from Arizona. I said, I'm going to take Josh to the airport. My mother said, 351 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:35,760 you're not going to kill him and hide the body. Are you? Cause like that's the relationship we 352 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:39,760 had right now. All my mom ever wanted was for me to have a relationship with my brother. 353 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:43,520 I tell my mom all the time, we're nothing alike. I'm never going to have a relationship with that, 354 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,720 but I did what you guys taught me to do. I went and picked up my brother and we're driving on the 355 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:51,840 405 freeway. And I handed him the box and I said, I was wrong for what it did to you. What can I do 356 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:55,440 to make it right? And then I shut my mouth. My brother opened up the box and he started to cry. 357 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:59,520 No one would like to be your brother. And I said, no, why don't you tell me? My brother said, 358 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:04,400 I was just a good kid doing the best that I could do. And you were in the principal's office again, 359 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:08,320 and you were in the hospital again, and you were in the back book police car again. And they didn't 360 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:12,960 even know I was alive. And it had never occurred to me what I had done to my brother. Never. And 361 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:16,720 what it did was it changed my perception. My brother's a good dude. My brother makes his 362 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:20,640 house payment. He takes care of his wife. He takes care of his kids. He works in an 363 00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:24,640 inner city school and they don't have money for, he's coached as a volleyball team. They don't have 364 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:29,200 money for uniforms. He raises money for his girls. You know, we're, when I'm visiting him in Arizona, 365 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:34,480 they yell his name from across the grocery store. Mr. O, what's up? Right. They love my brother. 366 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:39,280 He's a good dude. And so what I did was you taught me to not just say I was wrong, but to amend the 367 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:43,040 behavior. I started to make my brother the center of attention. I started pimping him out on my 368 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:46,880 Facebook page. We started raising money for his girls. We started doing everything together. 369 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:53,520 And I grew this relationship with my brother. I love my brother. Right. And so in 2019, 370 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:58,080 they announced the football schedule and I found out that his Oakland Raiders were playing my 371 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:03,840 Chicago Bears in London. Right. And my brother's never been anywhere. My brother makes his house 372 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:08,000 payment. He has to take, you know, four people on every vacation they ever had. He has a passport 373 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,840 that's never been used. So I called up my brother and I said, we're going to go on a trip. And on 374 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:17,360 September 28th of 2019, my brother and I got in an airplane and we went and we started out in 375 00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:21,840 Edinburgh, Scotland. We drove all the way down through England. He met all my friends there. 376 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:28,400 We ended up seeing his football team arsenal play. And we went to see the Bears play the Raiders in 377 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:33,680 Tottenham's new stadium. I know the Raiders won. I called him. It was part of the event. 378 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:38,560 And there's what happened. It wasn't the fanciest trip. We didn't stay in the fanciest hotel. We 379 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:42,560 stayed in little Airbnbs. And what happened is my brother and I went for seven days. We just 380 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:46,880 had the best time. We told stories. We had a ball. It was amazing. I called my mom and I said, 381 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:51,360 you know what? You're right. I'm just like my brother. We have such a ball. And what I can 382 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:55,120 tell you is when you're new, they say don't leave before the miracle happens. I don't know what your 383 00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:59,280 miracle is. If you would have told me when I got here that my miracle was a road trip with my 384 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:02,800 brother, I would have told you, you could keep that miracle. I'll pass. But everything that you 385 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:06,480 guys have done for me has been amazing. When I got sober, I got sober at a place called Radford 386 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:10,800 Hall, the hippie ladies of Radford Hall. And they used to say, if you want what we had and you're 387 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:16,080 willing to go to any bank to get it. And I was like, nah. I was riding a motorcycle. I had tattoos. 388 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:21,040 I had a pierced tongue. I listened to metal. You know, I don't want that. What these ladies had 389 00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:26,640 is they had peace. They had peace that I didn't even want when I got here. Now that I have it, 390 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:31,200 I wouldn't sell it to you for a million dollars. But if you ask me, I'll give it to you for free. 391 00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:38,080 Yeah, yeah. It's been a minute. But yeah, I remember the name of it. But it's like this 392 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:46,320 place. I mean, you know, I was like, what? So like, I need the table and I, you know, 393 00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:50,320 I know the valet club. I realize this is scary. Now I can come in and sit down.