1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,640 Um, just a little nervous. 2 00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:06,920 Uh, thank you, Karen, for asking me to speak. 3 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:08,880 Thank you, Nate, for welcoming me here. 4 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,640 I've never had such a welcome before like that. 5 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,240 Thank you, Ben, for adding time to my speech. 6 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,020 Um, wow. 7 00:00:17,020 --> 00:00:19,640 So let's start with, let's start. 8 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:23,640 Um, I was born in Columbia, South America, two American standards. 9 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:28,760 I was born to a lower middle-class family, two Colombian standards. 10 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,680 I was born to a, an upper lower-class family. 11 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,600 Um, everything was fun. 12 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,880 I mean, I, I loved, I loved to share about your, your childhood. 13 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,760 You know, I, it's just a great childhood, humble beginnings. 14 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:47,040 Uh, in Columbia, if you're, if you are familiar with the Latin, uh, with the 15 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:52,080 Latin culture, they give you as a, whenever you're hot, whenever you go to 16 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,680 hot climate, they give you a beer and soda. 17 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:56,560 Are you Colombian? 18 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:03,280 Oh, okay. So, so they, they give you this, this, this mix just to cure your thirst. 19 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,280 Somewhere in there. 20 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,160 I loved it. 21 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:05,640 Right. 22 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,360 So, uh, I was, I was raised there. 23 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,720 I remember you're saying I was raised Catholic. 24 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:15,360 So, you know, we used to, we used to go have fun, uh, drink the, the, the, the 25 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:20,000 mixture that whenever we would go to a hot climate, all of a sudden, um, I was 26 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:24,600 invited to a wedding with my sisters and my, my aunt, I remember my aunt taking us. 27 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:30,240 I was seven years old and all I wanted to do was be accepted, accepted by my family, 28 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,080 accepted by my cousins, accepted by everyone, everyone around me. 29 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:38,600 So I decided to prove to them that I could drink like a man at seven years old. 30 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:42,200 I decided to, Oh, by the way, welcome to everyone who said they're new. 31 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,040 Yes, it's great. 32 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:44,080 You're in the right place. 33 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,440 And so, um, I got wasted on rum and Cokes. 34 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:51,360 You know, I remember this room spinning, everything was spinning, but the most 35 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:56,640 important part out of that, I was invited to go play baseball at this empty airstrip. 36 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,680 It was so awesome that if you hit a home run, the ball will go over 37 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,320 this mountain and you lose it. 38 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,000 It was the coolest thing in the world. 39 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,600 I don't know how I, all I wanted to do was be invited. 40 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:11,040 And sure enough, because I felt, because I got drunk, I got invited. 41 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,240 So I kept going, you know, life kept going. 42 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:17,400 It was, it was, this is, that's a really important part of my life. 43 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:22,880 As life kept going, uh, we moved to America to Los Angeles and I did 44 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,560 not know the English language. 45 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:29,360 So, uh, my method of communication was through sports. 46 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,360 I played a lot of soccer when I was in Columbia. 47 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,960 Actually, I was practicing with the minor leagues of a professional 48 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,200 soccer team when I was young. 49 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,400 And so I played soccer in high school. 50 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:42,040 I played tennis in high school and all of a sudden I was accepted by the, what 51 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,080 I called the cool crowd in my mind. 52 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:48,280 The jocks, you know, the, the guys who would get all the attention. 53 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:55,480 And, um, as they began to, to include me in things, we began at right around 15. 54 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:59,200 I started smoking pot, you know, and then it's just toast all 55 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,040 because I wanted to be accepted. 56 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:01,840 Well, that was it. 57 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:02,560 I just wasn't. 58 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:03,640 So I was accepted. 59 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,000 Then we started drinking. 60 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:09,360 I remember, um, we used to ride, I had a, I don't know if you know this, 61 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,560 there's a bike called the Strand Cruiser. 62 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:15,640 And then we used to carry people in the front and there's pegs in the back and 63 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:20,000 used to ride everybody and we used to drink and zigzag our way through places 64 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,720 and parties and all that fun stuff. 65 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:27,680 As time went by, um, I can, you know, I, I, my parents used to buy me out a beer 66 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:32,120 so I could hang out with my, with my friends, but then a college came and I 67 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:36,480 went to a junior college in Torrance in California called El Camino College. 68 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:41,280 And, um, once again, the cool crowd were now the good looking people. 69 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,040 And I wanted to hang out with them and I wanted to be with them. 70 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:44,960 I want to be like them. 71 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,400 I wanted to have everything that came their way, you know, and, um, and there 72 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:54,680 was a fashion show that we were, I was asked to be a part of with all the, this 73 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,640 great looking people, all the crowds. 74 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:00,160 But little did I know, prior to the fashion show, there were, there 75 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,920 was champagne and there was cocaine. 76 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,560 So that was my first time, whatever I do, I wanted to, I want to be accepted. 77 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:09,880 And so they accepted me with open arms and then things went on, things went on. 78 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,160 I continue to drink. 79 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:17,400 And, um, one of my favorite things to do, my tis that I just love to do is dance. 80 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:21,040 So I used to love to get drunk right before it, right outside of the 81 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,600 nightclub and go dance all night long. 82 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:27,480 Or do drugs right before the nightclub and go dance all night long. 83 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,000 And, uh, that went on. 84 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,320 I mean, I used to go to Hollywood pretty much every single night. 85 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:36,040 There was a nightclub that I attended every single night and all because I 86 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,040 was, I was having, I wanted to have fun and I was having a great time. 87 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:42,080 And I tell you, it was some of the best times of my life. 88 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:46,400 I absolutely love the music from the eighties and I danced to 89 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,240 the eighties and all the fun stuff. 90 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:52,280 And so every night I would go and meet and I would drive by myself and meet new 91 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,680 people and hang out with new people. 92 00:04:54,680 --> 00:05:00,080 And all of a sudden alcohol gave me the security that I didn't have before. 93 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,280 Alcohol somehow accepted me. 94 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,400 And now I'm best buddies with alcohol. 95 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:09,160 Somewhere in my twenties, somewhere between 23 and 25, I crossed with the 96 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,360 book, talks about the mental blind spot. 97 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:17,120 I went from having fun, wanting alcohol, you know, just drinking, having a 98 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:22,040 great time to all of a sudden needing alcohol, I now needed alcohol to be able 99 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:28,760 to go to places I had to, I needed to drink before I even left my plate. 100 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:34,800 My, my place where I lived, I lived with my family at that time and then more 101 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:41,160 drugs came about and all of a sudden I remember dating, I was not, my, my, my 102 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:45,120 relationship behavior itself, it's of alley cat status. 103 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:50,360 I never had a monogamous relationship until maybe once when I was young and, 104 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:54,200 and until I met my wife, which you'll get to hear a little bit in the meantime, 105 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,600 I just floated around relationships. 106 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,560 I've always thought the grass was greener on the other side. 107 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,880 And I always thought I could find bigger, better the whole thing. 108 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:07,840 Um, so I remember this one lady who I was dating and she introduced me to meth, 109 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:12,040 crystal meth, and, um, and then all of a sudden I thought that that was 110 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,120 like the best thing I've ever had. 111 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:20,280 It was, I was able to talk, like I could never talk, nonstop drinking. 112 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,920 I was able to control my drinking with this stuff. 113 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,080 And then all of a sudden again, it had me, it had me. 114 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,240 I needed to have it. 115 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:33,280 And not only did I need to have it, I began the cycle of the, the, the hamster 116 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:38,240 wheel in which I needed to, I needed more to be able to work longer hours, to make 117 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,760 more money, to be able to buy more stuff, to work longer hours, to make, to make 118 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:42,720 more money, et cetera. 119 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,400 And it was just an hamster wheel that would not stop. 120 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:51,480 Um, my, uh, as I, I, I'll come back to that in a minute as, as I went through 121 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:56,640 this, um, I must've been nervous because I forgot to tell you my sobriety date is 122 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,000 May 18th, 1998. 123 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,920 I do have a sponsor and my home group is, um, and my home is the Denver 124 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,360 group of Redonda Beach. 125 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:09,640 So the hamster wheel, all of a sudden I needed to do all those things. 126 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:16,200 Then, uh, in 1997, March 17th, 1997, my mom passed away and I plunged. 127 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:21,840 During that, um, during that time, I, at that time, my, my trade, I'm a 128 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:27,360 tennis pro by trade and I began to, um, to drink and use every single day. 129 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:34,160 I would have either a quarter ounce of Coke or have like a bunch of drugs and 130 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:39,760 two bottles of wine, 12 beers, half a bottle of Jack every single night for 131 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,920 the next year or the next year. 132 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,840 Uh, I knew I was killing myself, but I, I couldn't stop. 133 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:50,120 I remember I dated a girl who introduced me to AA, but that was very brief. 134 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:53,760 And what happened on May 17th? 135 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,000 Well, here's what happened. 136 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,200 I had an apartment, everything I ever wanted. 137 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,400 I had an apartment by the beach. 138 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,480 It was beautiful, but I lived homeless. 139 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,560 I had not paid rent in three months. 140 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,880 I was wearing my clothes inside out. 141 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,160 I had no electricity. 142 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,800 The only thing I had was a phone. 143 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,280 I had the car, the beautiful sports car. 144 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:12,200 I crashed it. 145 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,480 I used to pray. 146 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:14,160 I used to pray. 147 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,600 I used to remember, I'll never forget this. 148 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,200 I used to go to church and sit again on my knees and pray. 149 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,480 Dear God, please send me a lady who has blue eyes. 150 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:22,480 It was a burn ahead. 151 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:26,400 And who is, who has a lot, who drives a BMW and who has a lot of money. 152 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,280 And guess what? 153 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,160 She came, she came. 154 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,680 It was the most unhealthy relationship of my life. 155 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:35,400 But at that time I was dating her, was dating her. 156 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:39,160 And, um, and she thought that during that time she thought I was 157 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,680 bipolar because she didn't know my drug, my drug and alcohol abuse. 158 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,080 So I began to hallucinate. 159 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:48,920 I used to think all my neighbors were DEA agents. 160 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:53,040 I used to tiptoe across the hallway to go to the bathroom and take me 161 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:56,440 like half an hour to get to the bathroom from here to there. 162 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:57,160 Okay. 163 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,120 It was hilarious. 164 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,600 Not now that I can think about it. 165 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,280 It's just that I was so freaked out. 166 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,160 Um, May 17th. 167 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:09,840 And then I began to go and, and, and spend nights at hotels, local hotels, 168 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:13,560 because I was so afraid of staying, staying at my house. 169 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:19,840 And I remember one night, one day, May 17th, 1998, um, one year 170 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:24,840 after my mom passed away, I was driving and back to my apartment where 171 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,640 I had not paid rent for three months. 172 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,920 I was literally in my own homeless way. 173 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,120 And I chose for sure. 174 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,600 I was going to get pulled over somehow by the grace of God. 175 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,160 I made it home fully clothed. 176 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:39,320 I got on my knees in the shower, turn on the shower and pleaded to 177 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,640 God to please help struck sober. 178 00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:45,360 Somehow I got up and ever since I didn't by the grace of God, I didn't 179 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,400 have to go through a rehab center or anything like that, I was struck sober. 180 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:53,520 But what happened prior to that now, I said, I will back up a little bit. 181 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,360 Um, so I mentioned to you, I was a tennis pro by trade. 182 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,480 Some of you know, a guy named John McEnroe. 183 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,360 I remember I was at, I was, I was given the opportunity 184 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,560 to hang out with him one night. 185 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:07,720 And what got me to start drinking Jack and Coke was he loved Jack and Coke. 186 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:13,000 So we, I remember as being on a huge table, he used to order 12 at a time. 187 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,720 And I'm going to Johnny Mac can't do it. 188 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,680 So can I, so that's what got me to start drinking Jack. 189 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,680 And that's what got me to my very, very, very bottom, not knowing that I was numbing 190 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:25,880 my feelings about my mom's death and all, and she was my best friend. 191 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,520 And I didn't know any of this. 192 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,720 I didn't know any, any of what I was doing. 193 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,160 I didn't even know I was an alcoholic, but all I know is that I prayed to 194 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,480 God to please help me and he helped me. 195 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,480 I started going to meetings as far away from my lived as far away from my work, 196 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,920 because I was so afraid somebody from work, one of my students, one of my 197 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:46,880 students, parents, somebody, somebody was going to see me and I was, my job was history. 198 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,760 So I remember going to meetings all the way in Marine Del Rey, all over the place. 199 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:55,360 And then the very first time I decided to go to a meeting in Manhattan 200 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:59,040 beach, which is the town that I worked and lived at the time. 201 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,560 Sure enough, there was a member, member of the club sitting right there. 202 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,880 And so I asked him and I, and I began, I began my journey through the meetings, 203 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,840 through another, another fellowship. 204 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:13,400 And so he, I asked him, he would start talking and asked him to be my sponsor. 205 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,600 He took me through the work. 206 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,800 And, um, and then we were, I was stuck on the fourth step. 207 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,520 I was stuck in the third step, actually. 208 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:20,440 He said, do you believe in it? 209 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,080 Do you believe that your power is over over drugs and alcohol? 210 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:23,520 Yes. 211 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:24,520 Do you believe in a pirate? 212 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:25,000 Yes. 213 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,640 Cause I was raised Catholic and I'll do, are you willing to turn 214 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,160 your will you have your life over? 215 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:30,840 Yes. 216 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,040 But I didn't know what any of that. 217 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,440 So I was stuck. 218 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:37,760 What I did that first year though, that I believe it was, it was extremely helpful. 219 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,240 I made coffee for that meeting. 220 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:44,760 So it got me to be on time every single week, every Wednesday at six 30, I had 221 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,560 to be there to make coffee for this meeting and by the grace of God again, 222 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,560 somehow I didn't drink, I didn't use. 223 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,880 And then he said to me, well, maybe you got to try AA. 224 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,360 And I said, okay, I was willing to take direction. 225 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,040 I went to my first AA meeting. 226 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,160 It was behind this cafe on this little church. 227 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,840 And then someone was speaking on the 11th step and I was bawling 228 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,520 the lines out, crying like a baby. 229 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:11,240 And then I went out and then the meeting was over and I went outside 230 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,760 and I met this gentleman right here. 231 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:16,560 And John and John asked me, Hey, are you an alcoholic? 232 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:17,800 And I go, of course I am. 233 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,800 He goes, what makes you an alcoholic? 234 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,360 I said, I don't know. 235 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:26,440 And then he said, well, there is a workshop happening up in 236 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:27,760 Palos Verdes up in the Hill. 237 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,360 That starts next week. 238 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,520 And I'm going, okay. 239 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,760 So he goes, if you want to go with you, I said, okay. 240 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,960 So then we met, remember you driving, we're talking about his car before 241 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,800 he's driving, that's the car we took, remember that, the Mustang. 242 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,160 And then, um, and so we went, sat in this big group. 243 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:48,440 There were about 50, 60, 70 people, you know, and the gentleman who let 244 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,920 it start talking about sobriety, meeting ended, we go back down the Hill. 245 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:56,000 John takes me over to my car and he says, do you like the meeting? 246 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,520 I say, yes, you're going to go. 247 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:58,120 And I say, yes. 248 00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,600 He goes, okay, now you're on your own. 249 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,560 And I'm like, how can I be? 250 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:02,680 I've never done something. 251 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,040 So, so then I started going through the steps. 252 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:10,320 Um, then little by little, I began to, to learn and understand who I really 253 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,920 am and what makes me who I am. 254 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:15,400 So I am an alcoholic and I will forever be an alcoholic. 255 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,600 And what does that mean? 256 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,640 You know, it's just like, I didn't know at the time. 257 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,640 No, I can tell you what that means for me. 258 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:25,000 It means that no matter how many times I tell myself, I'm not going to drink. 259 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,200 I always end up drinking or drugging. 260 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,960 No matter how many times I put the first drink in my mouth, I can't stop. 261 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:37,440 And that if I, when I run my life on my will, I screw everything up. 262 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,520 I destroy relationships. 263 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,600 I walk over people. 264 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,480 I jumped from relationship to relationship. 265 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:48,240 And this is a good time for me to go back a little bit to what happened. 266 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,760 So remember that hamster wheel? 267 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,960 I remember before the hamster wheel, I used to drink on Friday night, Saturday 268 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,720 night, get up every Sunday morning and say, I will never do that again. 269 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,760 And then I would wait until next Friday night. 270 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:00,080 Cool. 271 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:00,960 I made it right. 272 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960 Friday night, Saturday night, get up Sunday morning. 273 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,200 I will never do that again. 274 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:10,440 And all of a sudden Thursday nights began a fun, fun place to go, fun things to do. 275 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,960 And it was like, I went Thursday, Friday, Saturday, get up Sunday morning. 276 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,280 I will never do that again. 277 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:19,720 And then all of a sudden, I remember this one nightclub open on Sunday night. 278 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:20,320 12th street. 279 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:20,960 I remember that. 280 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:21,800 You remember 12th street? 281 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,440 So on the night was it happening? 282 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:28,840 So Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday, Monday morning. 283 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:29,920 Oh my God. 284 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:30,760 How can I do it? 285 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,680 Eh, and I'll never do that again. 286 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:33,200 Guess what? 287 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,960 Next Thursday night, somebody called, yeah, let's go. 288 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:40,760 Then all of a sudden I realized that Wednesday night splits the week really 289 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,840 nicely, so why not start on Wednesday? 290 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:47,440 And in no time I was going every night, every night, every night, every night. 291 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,480 And that's when the hamster wheel just continued and it got bigger and bigger 292 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:51,680 and faster and faster and faster. 293 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:55,600 And I was working to make more money, to be able to stay up longer, to be able 294 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,600 to, uh, or sometimes work more, to be able to make more money, to be able to 295 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:03,080 buy more drugs and alcohol and all of that just continued. 296 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:07,200 And that's what got me to, to my point of desperation, which is that, which 297 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:11,080 is the time when I got on my knees and I pray to God to please help me. 298 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:15,000 So if you're suffering or if you ever know someone who is suffering, please 299 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:19,480 always, I pray that you get the gift of desperation and if whoever, if you 300 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,680 know someone who is suffering, please pray that they get the gift of 301 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:26,200 desperation, because that's what got me to get on my knees and completely 302 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,840 really surrender to God. 303 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,720 It wasn't even God at the time. 304 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,800 Cause by then I had already lost the, the, my thought of God. 305 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,000 I lost my faith in the church. 306 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,960 I remember I used to, I used to sell drugs for a period of time. 307 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,920 And I remember one day I felt so guilty. 308 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,080 I took her to the church and I said to the priest, what do I do with the money? 309 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,840 He goes, in the back of the church, there's a little box. 310 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:48,920 You can put it over there. 311 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:50,400 And I'm going like, what the heck? 312 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,520 He's going to take drug money. 313 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,880 And then, and then I lost, I'm going like, it's over. 314 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,480 My, my feeling for God was over. 315 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:59,320 So I came in as an agnostic, but yet my very first step was 316 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:00,840 not about being agnostic. 317 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:05,160 It was about, it was about knowing and understanding who I am. 318 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:09,640 So I had to write examples of how many times did I tell myself I wasn't going 319 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,440 to drink and I always end up drinking. 320 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,720 And I mentioned some of you, I had to write examples of how many 321 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,080 times did I pick up a drink? 322 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,160 Did I have a drink and I couldn't stop. 323 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,040 I remember at the very end, I was having to drink before I went to work. 324 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:28,080 Just to be able to take my jitters out and then recognizing page 52. 325 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:28,720 Do you have a big book? 326 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:28,880 No. 327 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:29,160 Okay. 328 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:30,080 Page 52. 329 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:35,200 That'd be, um, ah, look at this, and God, I grabbed my glasses. 330 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,880 Uh, okay. 331 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,000 Page 52. 332 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,400 So I was asked to ask, to ask this for myself. 333 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,560 I was asked to turn this into present tense and I form. 334 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,400 I have to ask myself why I shouldn't apply my human problems, the same 335 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,120 readiness to change my point of view. 336 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,280 I am having trouble with relate personal relationships. 337 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:52,960 Oh yeah. 338 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:53,480 Check. 339 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,680 I can't control my emotional natures. 340 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:56,640 Remember my girlfriend? 341 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,800 She thought I was bipolar. 342 00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:58,240 Okay. 343 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:04,000 Um, uh, I w I am a prey to misery and depression or me or me another dream. 344 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,240 I can make a living. 345 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,080 And my sponsor asked me to say nice, just put it down. 346 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,640 That is satisfactory to me. 347 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:10,000 Check. 348 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,120 I was always complaining. 349 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,040 Why is everybody else making more money than me? 350 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,080 And I didn't ever realize that at least I had a job. 351 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,680 It was a well-paid job. 352 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,920 I had, I worked at a very reputable country club, but that wasn't enough for me. 353 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,720 I have a feeling of uselessness. 354 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:24,720 100%. 355 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,040 I am full of fear. 356 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,680 Fear was my middle name. 357 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:28,680 I'm telling you everything. 358 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,800 Remember, but tippy toe, I am unhappy. 359 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,600 I can't seem to be a real, real help to other people. 360 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:34,400 So that came. 361 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,560 Oh, like my sponsor always said is if you were to answer yes to one of those, 362 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,480 guess what you're at, you're running your life on your own will. 363 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:45,480 Then we got to to look at the second step. 364 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,680 And the second step calls came to believe in a power that greater than myself. 365 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,040 Remember, I had already got right. 366 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:56,240 But I was willing to believe and I was willing to to have an experience. 367 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,480 And little by little, my sponsor asked me to lean into the process. 368 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,160 And as I leaned into the process, I began. 369 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,200 I went from willing to believe to coming to believe. 370 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,840 Then I went into the third step. 371 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:12,240 Am I willing to give my life and my and my and became willing to give it a blow? 372 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:13,600 How does this first step go here? 373 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,480 Made a decision, made a decision. 374 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,040 It's a it's a thank you. 375 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,160 So step two is about willingness. 376 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,680 Step three is about action. 377 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:21,680 What's the action? 378 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,360 Making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. 379 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,240 My will was explain everything I have in my life, everything I want. 380 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,040 Am I willing to give everything to God? 381 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,320 And I remember this lady. 382 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:33,920 Your name is Kathy? 383 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:34,840 No, Kathy Unger. 384 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:35,240 Oh, yeah. 385 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,120 She sat me down. 386 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,040 She goes, Nick, can you grow hair? 387 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,400 And I said, no, I can't. 388 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,280 He goes, show me what it looks like to grow hair. 389 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,360 OK, so then she goes, do you have power? 390 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,000 I said, I have no power. 391 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:51,040 She goes, so now are you willing to turn everything over to the care of God? 392 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:55,040 So that means if God wants you to be a Hare Krishna, go to the airport and start singing. 393 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,080 Are you willing to do it? 394 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,080 I go, no, I'm not. 395 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,200 So so then I had to pray one more time. 396 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,800 I had to pray for their willingness to be willing to give everything away. 397 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:10,200 One more time, I get reminded through every state that every step that I work that I am powerless. 398 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:14,360 I have no power, but there is one that has all the power and that one is God. 399 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:18,280 Now, I have to OK, so I'll share a quick story with you. 400 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,080 I was in the third step. 401 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:21,440 You know that I'm a tennis pro. 402 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,480 There's a tennis tournament in France called the French Open. 403 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:33,280 They make special balls for this tournament and no one can get them unless you're a player, unless you're a coach, unless you're actually in the tournament. 404 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:37,880 This was during Memorial Day of 1999. 405 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,000 Yeah, this is Memorial Day of 1999. 406 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:46,840 I was I was sitting doing my work, my AA work, my my workshop work, looking at watching the tennis on TV. 407 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,120 And I was going, God, it would be nice to have one of those balls. 408 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,480 It would be nice to have one of those balls. 409 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,920 And then I go back to my work. 410 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,360 And then, God, do you really exist? 411 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,000 You know, are you really out there? 412 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,840 I would love for you to show me that you do exist because I don't believe. 413 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:01,440 But it'd be really nice to have one of those balls. 414 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:05,200 You know, so I went through the whole weekend, the whole Memorial Day. 415 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:12,320 So I go to work on Monday and my card is locked because kids get to it and start stealing balls. 416 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:16,040 I open my card, I'm feeding, I'm teaching ball, I'm teaching as client. 417 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,600 And all of a sudden, what do I find? 418 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,760 The ball, Roland Garros, the French Open ball. 419 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,600 I should have brought it because I have it. 420 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,880 So and I start going normally balls coming cans of threes. 421 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,520 So I went through the whole card. 422 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,560 I couldn't find another one. 423 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:30,200 Guess what? 424 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,280 That's the day I believe. 425 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:35,840 That's the day I became willing to turn my whole will and my life over to the care of God. 426 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:41,760 As in everything I like, I was willing to be a Hare Krishna, shave my head and go sing at the airport. 427 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:48,040 Now, because of time constraints, I want to fast forward you to the 12 step. 428 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:53,520 There's nothing more beautiful and there's nothing that is such a great honor to be able to not only... 429 00:20:53,520 --> 00:21:00,840 My sponsor used to tell me like, oh, Nikki, I can't wait till you, I can't wait to watch you blossom like a flower. 430 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,080 I'm going, what the hell does that mean? 431 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,400 You know, he goes, I can't wait. 432 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:10,200 And it's until I took somebody through the work that I was able to see somebody transform right in front of my eyes. 433 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,760 This process has transformed me, completely transformed me. 434 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,920 The person who I was, I no longer am. 435 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,600 However, I am an alcoholic and I forever will be an alcoholic. 436 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:23,880 My actions are completely different today than they have ever been in the past. 437 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,640 I found my wife through the fifth through the fourth step, the sex ideal. 438 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:34,280 The sex ideal, it was explained to me that it is not what I want out of sex with someone. 439 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:41,360 It's that who do I want to become to anyone, both you or people or my friends or my family? 440 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:43,480 Who do I want to be for them? 441 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,320 It's not what do they have for me. 442 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:45,840 Thank you. 443 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,680 All my life, I wanted people. 444 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:48,400 What do you got for me? 445 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:48,720 What do you got for me? 446 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:52,400 If I do damn anything, I got rid of you, kicked you out and I found somebody else. 447 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:53,920 What can I offer you now? 448 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,000 What can I offer you? 449 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,440 So within that, remember that lady I used to play for? 450 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:03,480 Pray for the brunette with the blue eyes, BMW, which came through this process. 451 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:10,960 When I began to walk through this, the fifth, the fourth and fifth step in the rest of the work is now what can I offer to you? 452 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,680 How can I be of service to you? 453 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:13,800 How can I be a better mate? 454 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:21,560 How can I trust her, understand her, support her spiritual path, be loving and be trusting and trustworthy? 455 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:22,400 There's so many more. 456 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:23,920 I mean, I'm trying to remember everything I wrote. 457 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:31,720 And I began to live this that my wife came, the lady who is now my wife, and she is nothing that I could ever ask for. 458 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,320 She's way beyond what I could what I could have ever asked for. 459 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:48,040 I can tell you that any time I asked for something, looking back, I can tell you that every time I was limiting myself to finite possibilities versus being open to what's infinite, the infinite world of God. 460 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,520 She is part of that infinite. 461 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,720 I'm going to get choked up here. 462 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,040 She's part of that infinite world of God. 463 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,080 She's the most beautiful thing has ever come into my life. 464 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,840 She loves me for who I am. 465 00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,200 I love her for who she is. 466 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,200 She's fun. 467 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:01,160 She's loving. 468 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:07,440 She always tells people, you want to know where we got married because she's fun and I'm boring, you know, the whole the whole thing. 469 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,400 So I pray and I got. 470 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:18,840 But I got to tell you, when I stopped praying and I let God bring me what he wants me to have, I could never fathom the world that God has to offer us. 471 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,480 Together, my wife and I have traveled the world. 472 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:26,760 We've been I remember in 2004, we went to 37 countries, six continents. 473 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:28,200 We met people we met. 474 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,680 We had the most beautiful experiences that could we could ever have. 475 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:34,520 We by the grace of God, we have a son. 476 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:35,920 He's a miracle son. 477 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,680 He we she had two miscarriages. 478 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:42,640 We were able to have somebody through him through surrogacy. 479 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:46,080 And a lady who carried him, she was going to die. 480 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:52,280 And we had to pray collectively all the people in a that I knew I called collectively somehow she was bleeding. 481 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,560 She stopped bleeding an hour after prayer. 482 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,240 All these are miracles that I could never fathom. 483 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,320 I could never fathom could happen. 484 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,840 Now I'm going to close with this. 485 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:04,800 I mean, you remind me so much of my son, but I have not shared this. 486 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,840 So you guys are the first people that get to hear this. 487 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:13,800 My son is going through tremendous amounts of anxiety and and stress. 488 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,680 And on February 8th, my life was changed. 489 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:17,520 I found him. 490 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:24,200 So for those of you who understand that, I'm sorry if you know if you do it or if you but I know he was in that much pain. 491 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:31,480 But by the grace of this program and the people in it, I can understand my relationship is tighter than ever. 492 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:35,200 And I were able to help him walk through this journey. 493 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:41,320 And I told him, you know, I'm going to walk through this journey hand by hand like God has God has walked this journey with me. 494 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:44,240 Nothing is impossible in a nothing. 495 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:49,280 So, you know, I remember if you ever watch Scarface, you remember that thing that said the world is yours? 496 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,120 Yeah. Yeah. I used to dream of that. 497 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:54,280 Right. Thank you. The world is yours in the world of God. 498 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:55,400 The world is yours. 499 00:24:55,400 --> 00:25:03,520 And there's nothing absolutely nothing that cannot be accomplished, you know, as long as we do it for the right purpose, the right thought, the right mindset. 500 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:09,680 And God just gives us more than we more than we could ever imagine, more than we could ever imagine. 501 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:16,400 And I know that our son, I mean, I haven't prayed as hard as I've ever prayed for him on a daily basis, but he's starting to turn around. 502 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:17,920 He's going to have some testing then. 503 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,920 I think he's dyslexic. 504 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,160 We didn't know that he has ADHD. 505 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:26,360 We knew that and we chose not to medicate him at the time when he was young. 506 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,720 So there's a lot of it that we take full responsibility for it. 507 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:38,120 Nevertheless, it cannot be done unless we have the groups, the unity that we have here, as we have God in our lives. 508 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:42,000 And unless we have the support that all of us, all of us give each other. 509 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,720 So never give up. 510 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,600 I wish all of you new newbies. 511 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:50,240 I wish someday you kids to sit here and you get to have the sobriety that I have received. 512 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,760 And I thank you very much for giving me this opportunity. 513 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:54,960 Thank you, Nick. Thank you, Nick.