1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,280 - My name is Demetrius, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:04,900 - Hi Demetrius, we need to get you home. 3 00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:06,740 - That's all right. 4 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,740 - So I'm grateful to be here. 5 00:00:08,740 --> 00:00:09,980 I'm grateful to be in a meeting. 6 00:00:09,980 --> 00:00:12,380 Sorry I didn't hear as fast as early 7 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,420 as I normally would like to. 8 00:00:14,420 --> 00:00:17,420 You know, I'm blessed to have had a full day of the day. 9 00:00:17,420 --> 00:00:19,380 My life is completely different 10 00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:21,820 than it was when I came to you guys 11 00:00:21,820 --> 00:00:24,520 on February the 7th, 1989. 12 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:29,520 Last February I celebrated 34 years of continuous sobriety 13 00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:33,300 and when I got to you folks, I was a mess. 14 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:37,000 You know, I was 22 years old and I was lost. 15 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,340 I was absolutely hopeless. 16 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:42,040 I'm also a proud member of a home group. 17 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,740 It's the Bell Fly Big Book Group. 18 00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:47,120 We meet on Monday nights, city of Bell Fly, we're at 7.30. 19 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:48,580 You guys are all welcome. 20 00:00:48,580 --> 00:00:51,860 My family come visit and I'm actively sponsored 21 00:00:51,860 --> 00:00:55,720 by the dynamite sponsors, famous Johnny H. 22 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,520 He loves this program, he loves newcomers, 23 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,460 he's enthusiastic about it. 24 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,800 At our Thursday night meeting, it's a step in tradition 25 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:08,100 and he did a recap of the 12 traditions last Thursday 26 00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:10,740 and then it was, like Memphis said, 27 00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:14,380 just gave you a whole new outlook on Alcoholics Anonymous 28 00:01:14,380 --> 00:01:18,840 in this program and obligation to this program as members. 29 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,620 And I'm so, so grateful for those three things. 30 00:01:21,620 --> 00:01:23,880 My beautiful girlfriend over there, Donna, 31 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:28,180 I wanna thank her for, she just always supported me 32 00:01:28,180 --> 00:01:31,900 and lifted me up and, you know, I'm grateful to have her 33 00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:33,760 and she's like, doesn't hesitate. 34 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,100 She's like, "Sure babe, I wanna go." 35 00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:36,460 And I'm like, "Nate, are you sure?" 36 00:01:36,460 --> 00:01:39,740 Like, every time she says, "Yeah, I wanna go." 37 00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:40,760 I'm like, "Why?" 38 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,000 (laughing) 39 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:47,700 She sends me a Zoom link and she's speaking 40 00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:52,120 and she's writing my house and speaking in my living room 41 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,820 and I go in the bedroom and went to sleep. 42 00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:57,820 I'm like, "I'm selfish." 43 00:01:57,820 --> 00:01:59,620 I wanna thank Karen, right? 44 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,960 Yeah, for inviting me to come and share. 45 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,620 And I was taught to share with you guys in a general way 46 00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:07,100 what it was, oh, the Zoom people, 47 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:08,700 and welcome the new people. 48 00:02:08,700 --> 00:02:11,140 Really, really welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. 49 00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:15,240 You know, I hope you know that you stumbled upon a solution. 50 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,980 And if you be alcoholic, 51 00:02:16,980 --> 00:02:20,240 based on my experience over the last 34 years, 52 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,640 I mean, this is the only thing that I know that works 53 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,220 for a continual period of time. 54 00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:29,620 The answer is here, man. 55 00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:32,060 This program will give you the relief 56 00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:34,460 that you always saw in a dream. 57 00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:36,220 And I was taught to share in a general way 58 00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:38,020 what it was like, what happened in life. 59 00:02:38,020 --> 00:02:40,320 Who's the guy sitting up there? 60 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,860 Who am I, you know? 61 00:02:41,860 --> 00:02:43,400 Like, you guys are expecting like, 62 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,940 "Man, he's really doing it now, man." 63 00:02:45,940 --> 00:02:48,200 You know, we're all human beings, you know? 64 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,640 So me, in my natural state, I'm restless, 65 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:53,600 I'm fearful, I'm discontented. 66 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,340 You know, I'm the guy that's always looking for action. 67 00:02:56,340 --> 00:02:58,820 I love excitement, you know? 68 00:02:58,820 --> 00:03:02,180 Wanting to be happy, you know, noisier, the better. 69 00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:05,460 Favorite part of the meeting are birthdays, you know, 70 00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:07,660 'cause we get rambunctious and everybody sings 71 00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:09,400 and claps and, you know, acts out. 72 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,100 And that's me in my natural state. 73 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,300 And this program of Alcoholics Anonymous 74 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:15,260 has been a program of self-discovery, 75 00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:17,840 and I appreciate that about this program. 76 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,940 So I was raised by my mom. 77 00:03:19,940 --> 00:03:22,400 She got married early, had my sister and I. 78 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:23,840 My father went off to prison. 79 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,500 My mom was left raising my sister and I. 80 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,780 And I'm the kid that's always demanding 81 00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:30,620 and seeking your attention. 82 00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:32,780 You know, I'm that kid that's like, 83 00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,720 "Mom, my momma, look at me, I'm always in your face, 84 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,160 trying to impress you, do something." 85 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,780 You know, I always want you to say, "Great job." 86 00:03:40,780 --> 00:03:43,800 If I do something that's just normal, I wanna permeate. 87 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:48,460 And my sister, she's just that kid 88 00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:50,460 that just does everything right, you know? 89 00:03:50,460 --> 00:03:53,000 My mom would say, you know, we have a babysitter, 90 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,440 she would go to work in the morning, 91 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,000 and this babysitter would walk us to school. 92 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,680 We'd walk ourselves home. 93 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,080 This is elementary school, and we were supposed to come home. 94 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,540 We lived in this apartment building, 95 00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:05,040 and babysitter was across the pool 96 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,440 in this apartment building in LA. 97 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,080 And we were the last key kids. 98 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,420 We'd come home, we were supposed to change our clothes, 99 00:04:10,420 --> 00:04:12,720 do your homework, and then you could go play. 100 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,720 And literally, I remember it being rain and day 101 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,420 and puddle jumping on the way home. 102 00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:19,620 My sister's just avoiding all the puddles 103 00:04:19,620 --> 00:04:21,200 'cause they were school clothes. 104 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,500 And you never could go out and play in your school clothes. 105 00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,800 And I'm the kid, like, we get to the gate, 106 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,540 my sister's like, "Come on, let's go inside. 107 00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:29,200 "You gotta change, do your homework." 108 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:30,900 I'm like, "I'll be right there." 109 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:33,240 You know, and I got a popsicle stick, 110 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,000 and I'm letting it go down the guard. 111 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,380 I'm outside playing. 112 00:04:36,380 --> 00:04:37,640 That's me in the natural. 113 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,280 And my sister, she's just that kid 114 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,980 that just always does right, you know? 115 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:43,820 My mom, she met a beautiful man. 116 00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:46,520 That's my parent, and there we got married. 117 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,820 I love this town called Cerritos. 118 00:04:48,820 --> 00:04:51,220 Two step-brothers, step-sister, and my sister, 119 00:04:51,220 --> 00:04:54,700 this new step-father, you know, was living in me, 120 00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:56,820 which was my step-father's home. 121 00:04:56,820 --> 00:04:59,140 It was completely nothing like I'd ever seen. 122 00:04:59,140 --> 00:05:00,660 And I didn't fit in in this family. 123 00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:02,340 And my sister just, just I think did. 124 00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:04,540 Like, it was perfect, you know, she was happy. 125 00:05:04,540 --> 00:05:07,240 And I'm gonna tell you guys about the first time I drank 126 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,140 to wrap it up, you know. 127 00:05:09,140 --> 00:05:12,380 My uncle, who has always been there for me my entire life, 128 00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:13,820 he was that father's brother. 129 00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,280 That man that always stepped up. 130 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,380 Like, it's just, you know, that figure in your life 131 00:05:17,380 --> 00:05:19,220 that's just gonna show you what it's like 132 00:05:19,220 --> 00:05:21,960 to become a man, a leader, you know, 133 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,860 the guy that teaches you responsibilities. 134 00:05:23,860 --> 00:05:25,760 And my uncle started taking me camping 135 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,360 from a very, very young age. 136 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,120 I was probably 11 or 12, and he took me up to Yosemite, 137 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,660 where I had been several times. 138 00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:33,640 And I brought my little buddy, Andrew, 139 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:34,940 the first day we were there. 140 00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:37,200 I had a great time on this country skiing. 141 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,700 And that night, I'm sitting there, 142 00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:42,300 laying in the bed, thinking about snowshoe hiking 143 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:45,820 the next day, 'cause my uncle always had our trips planned. 144 00:05:45,820 --> 00:05:47,580 He'd be gone for five days. 145 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:49,580 He knew exactly what we were gonna do. 146 00:05:49,580 --> 00:05:52,020 He knew every trail we were gonna hike, 147 00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:56,460 every lake we would see, every waterfall we were gonna visit. 148 00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:59,720 Everything's, you know, coordinated and planned. 149 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,100 And that's the type of man he is. 150 00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:04,000 And I'm laying there with my buddy, Andrew. 151 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,340 He's restless, just like me. 152 00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:08,400 He gets up, he leaves, and he comes back 153 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,440 to the little room we were standing in. 154 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,900 He has a three-letter jug of Tyrolian wine. 155 00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:15,780 I was at Yosemite with my favorite uncle. 156 00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:17,440 Man, I adored him in my life. 157 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,880 He had just gotten married to my aunt. 158 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,920 And they're still married to this day. 159 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,920 And I was not thinking about drinking. 160 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,580 I was not thinking about doing anything to spoil this trip. 161 00:06:26,580 --> 00:06:29,660 And when Andrew came back with his jug of Tyrolian wine, 162 00:06:29,660 --> 00:06:31,160 I was powerless, you know. 163 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,820 And as soon as he came in the room, 164 00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:35,460 I grabbed the jug, and I'm like, man, I'm excited. 165 00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:36,560 I romanced it. 166 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:37,900 I put it between my legs. 167 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:39,340 I'm looking at it, you know. 168 00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:43,000 I tap the top, I pour himself, pour myself some. 169 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,900 He drinks one, I drink another. 170 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:46,880 And then we do that two or three times. 171 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,400 And the next thing, and it was to me 172 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,840 after I take a couple of sips, is, you know, 173 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,620 I get a little bit too excited. 174 00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:56,660 And I always wanted to be a cool guy, really. 175 00:06:56,660 --> 00:07:00,080 Just like this cool boy, be a little drunk, a little faded. 176 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,120 Everybody loved him. 177 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,860 But every time I drank, every time I went out, 178 00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:05,860 I always went out with the best intentions. 179 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:08,200 I knew what girls I was gonna talk to, 180 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,100 what I was gonna wear, who I was gonna hang out with. 181 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:13,560 As soon as I start drinking, you know, 182 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,240 I'm like, what's that guy looking at? 183 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,740 You know, oh, she ain't even trying to talk to me. 184 00:07:17,740 --> 00:07:19,600 And the next thing you know, I want to, you know, 185 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,480 start something, and that's the guy that I was all the time. 186 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,640 And this time in particular, we went out, 187 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,680 and I got a six-pack of tall cans of Budweiser. 188 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,820 People would leave their booze in the snow 189 00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:33,220 outside of their tents, and took it. 190 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:36,060 We drank one beer piece, and I went out, 191 00:07:36,060 --> 00:07:39,120 and Yosemite, I started vandalizing people's things, 192 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,120 and slashing people's ties, and people's pants. 193 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,600 So from the first time I drank, I got drunk. 194 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,200 From the first time I got drunk, I got arrested. 195 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,600 That very first time that I got arrested, 196 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,240 I knew what it was like to get the looks 197 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,040 from the people that loved and adored you, 198 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,800 those looks like, how could you, you know, 199 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,200 I'm a disappointment. 200 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,700 And from that age forward, 201 00:07:57,700 --> 00:08:00,080 I started to carry this attitude with me, 202 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,160 this attitude of like, what? 203 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,200 Like, it's my life. 204 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,000 And any time I did something that I was ashamed of, 205 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,640 or I fell short, or I didn't measure it, 206 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,080 and my mom, or my dad, or my aunts, 207 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,600 or even my brothers and sisters 208 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,560 questioned me about my behavior, 209 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,280 always looked at them right in their face, 210 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:18,160 and said, like, what? 211 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,560 It's more like, what? 212 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:20,600 Like, what's the problem? 213 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,680 And that's the attitude that I adopted 214 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,720 from like, 12 years old. 215 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,280 The stepfather of mine was a principal in my high school, 216 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,760 and will you give me like a 10 minute, okay? 217 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,440 And then he was a principal at my high school, 218 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,440 and by the time I was a senior in high school, 219 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:39,080 my attitude, and my incorrigible nature, 220 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,640 my disrespect had gotten me kicked off of everything. 221 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,400 I was this kid that was just lost, you know? 222 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,640 And I started hanging out with these stoners, 223 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:48,540 these partiers. 224 00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:50,560 All we did was drink and party all the time. 225 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,360 Luckily, I made it out of high school, 226 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,800 and all my brothers and sisters had graduated 227 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,840 right from high school, and went to college. 228 00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:01,160 The baby, and to myself, and what I know, 229 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,880 and what I truly believe is I'm just a disappointment. 230 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,520 You know, like, I don't measure well, I'm just good at it. 231 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:10,840 And this was 1985, and if you know anything about the '80s, 232 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,560 it was on a bracket, you know? 233 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,000 It's a show on TV, it's called "Snowfall." 234 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:20,440 The '80s was just, it was different, right? 235 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:24,120 And I wanna tell you guys that I was raised absolutely right. 236 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,240 Everybody in my family has a college degree, 237 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,040 and parents have advanced those degrees. 238 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,760 You know, I was taught all right for more. 239 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:36,200 You know, morals and race with spiritual values. 240 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,120 And I'm the guy that is out all night, you know, 241 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,280 rippin' and runnin', you know, tryin' to jump dope dealers, 242 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,880 and partin' all night, and chased by the cops. 243 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,920 When it was all said and done, you know, 244 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,360 I'm this guy that's absolutely homeless, 245 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,280 that was livin' in Santa Ana. 246 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,480 My parents had dropped me off. 247 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,920 This is after I had my first stent in a treatment. 248 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,640 Well, I was introduced to you guys in '86, 249 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,440 and I went to a place called Sierra Tucson. 250 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:03,280 That's it, you know. 251 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,880 I went there, not believing that, 19, almost 20, 252 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,200 and I'm an alcoholic. 253 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,320 I was like, no way. 254 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,560 Like, this is, but I knew I had issues, 255 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:15,760 and I needed some help, and I went and didn't stay sober, 256 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,200 and I came back home to California. 257 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,240 And I'm gonna tell you, you know, 258 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,640 I started doin' things that I couldn't imagine 259 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:22,480 that I would do. 260 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:26,240 You know, I started out selling drugs for an organization 261 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,200 that was a real drug organization, 262 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,960 and after that, it didn't work. 263 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,520 You know, I started lovin' and doin' no good, 264 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,240 and after that, it didn't work out. 265 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,120 My parents gave me a shot to live with them. 266 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,880 By now, they're livin' in Lake Forest, 267 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,880 and I beat that, and my mom dropped her baby off 268 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,680 at the YMCA in Santa Ana, 269 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:48,040 and she paid my rent for three weeks, or whatever it was. 270 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:50,680 And then you got this little room with just a bandana. 271 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,240 That's all it was, you know, a 20-year-old kid, 272 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,360 and I'm livin' at the YMCA, 273 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,360 and it's just like the dope kid, you know, 274 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:58,760 an alcoholic dope kid. 275 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:00,880 And by the time I get kicked out of there, 276 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,280 I'm the guy that, when you drive up to pump your gas, 277 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:07,640 I run up from underneath the awning with a squeegee, 278 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,840 and I'm like, "Yo, yo, yo, let me hit your windows. 279 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,000 "I got you, I got you." 280 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,400 And I'm the guy that's scrubbin' your windows, 281 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,760 askin' you for change, and a couple of dollars. 282 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,400 I'm the guy that's standin' in the line at the park, 283 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,000 and waitin' for the people from the church 284 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:25,200 to come bring sandwiches, and I knew every spot to go to. 285 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,640 I'm the guy that would be walkin' down the street here, 286 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,080 and every car door that I walk by, I would jiggle the bar. 287 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,920 If it didn't matter, if the door opened, 288 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,040 I'm gonna sit inside, and I'm gonna run this to your car 289 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,560 and see if there's some change in there. 290 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,760 I'm the guy that's hidin' down the bushes 291 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,640 when you come up after work to go to the ATM, 292 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:43,920 to pull cash out. 293 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,440 I jump out of the bushes, and I hit you over the head 294 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,480 with a bottle, and I take whatever's comin' out of the deal. 295 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:53,440 I'm the guy that, when you're walkin' into the grocery store, 296 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,080 that runs up behind you, and smashes your purse, 297 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,520 and runs off. 298 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,320 My family is livin' in a five-bedroom house, 299 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,760 my mom and dad in Lake Forest, can't even have space for me. 300 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,800 My oldest brother had graduated from Rice and University, 301 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,800 and he's in his career. 302 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,840 My second brother had graduated from University of Texas, 303 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:11,840 and he's in his career. 304 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,280 My step-sister had graduated from Cal State Fullerton. 305 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,880 She was a teacher, and my sister had graduated from UCLA, 306 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,240 and she was an accountant, and my parents' baby 307 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,400 is the guy that's jumpin' out of the bush, 308 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,520 and I was not raised that way. 309 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,240 See, but my alcoholic thinkin' helps me to believe 310 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:31,840 this is a normal life for me. 311 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,920 You know, my illness, I sold out to that, 312 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,760 and I was okay with it, and I was, you know, 313 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,920 that's where I was, and I'm lucky, 314 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:43,480 because I got rescued by Orange County Police Department, 315 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,640 and they sent me down, and I remember I did a year 316 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,520 for somebody, for a robbery, and I'm so dumb, 317 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,960 I'm not, I'm just a punk, you know, I'm not a real criminal. 318 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,000 I don't block nothin' out, you know, until I get one winnin', 319 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,920 and when they got me, they put me in a lineup, 320 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,560 and they made us line up, this is the first time 321 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,080 I'm standin' there, you know, you can't see whoever's 322 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,240 on the other side, and they put me in this little robe, 323 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,200 and the detectives come back, and it's like, 324 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,960 we got you, we got you for purse snatching on this street, 325 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,520 we got you for purse snatching over here, 326 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,800 over here, and over here, and I was like, absolutely not. 327 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,880 I never snatched, I did, I never did that. 328 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,000 (laughing) 329 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:28,760 And he, they didn't even care, and I literally told 'em, 330 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:33,760 like, the first, you know, like, I did it, 331 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:37,960 and I'm a punk, right, I'm like, they said I could go 332 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:41,240 to prison for a year, and I'd be out in six months, 333 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,280 or you could stay in the county for the whole year, 334 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,600 and I was like, prison, county, and I'm like, 335 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,360 I'm stayin' in Orange County for a year, I did that, 336 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,400 and I got out, and I didn't stay sober right then, 337 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,520 and I'm lucky, my parents let me come back with them, 338 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,840 and they started, my mom started taking me to these meetings, 339 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,080 and I wanna tell you guys, right, 340 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:02,680 that I fell upon some people that understood 341 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,500 what their obligation to this program was. 342 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,160 They stuck their hand out to me, 343 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,200 and they basically dragged me to meetings. 344 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,400 You know, I knew something was wrong with me, 345 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,720 I knew I had a problem, but I thought 346 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,240 that if I just get off this stuff, right, 347 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,420 and I just don't drink, I'm gonna be good. 348 00:14:18,420 --> 00:14:20,280 Like, come on, I'm young, right? 349 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,680 22 years old, like, I got this. 350 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,720 And I was just going through the motions, 351 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,800 and my first three and a half, my first four years, 352 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,560 I was in another fellowship that I don't mention by names, 353 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,040 because if you be alcoholic, 354 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,940 we're in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, 355 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:38,000 and our program is not aligned with anything. 356 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,200 You know, we absolutely stand alone, 357 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,600 and although there's other programs 358 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:45,000 that utilize our steps and tradition, 359 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,080 they're completely different, 360 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,920 and the illness of alcoholism is, 361 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,740 to me, is completely different from addiction. 362 00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:55,160 And if you be alcoholic, I really hope that you, 363 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,280 you know, dive in our book and see, you know, 364 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,000 what your problem is. 365 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,040 Grateful, because I stayed physically sober, 366 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,320 anything, nothing, everything, 367 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,520 physically sober for four years, 368 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:08,940 and here's what my life looked like. 369 00:15:08,940 --> 00:15:11,160 I was still a jacker, I was still a hustler, 370 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,680 still a loud, disrespectful, obnoxious, 371 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,400 didn't have a job, didn't have a driver's license, 372 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,320 had nothing going for me in my life, 373 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,700 and I'm physically sober, and I was miserable. 374 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:26,200 I'm the guy that tries to go to bed at a decent time, 375 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,800 and I get in the bed, I'm completely showered, 376 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,160 I'm physically sober, I'm like, 377 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,320 got big plans for tomorrow, 378 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,120 'cause my life's gonna change tomorrow, 379 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,560 and I go to bed, and my head says, 380 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,840 "No, man, like, sleep?" 381 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,520 "No, not tonight." 382 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,880 So I said, "Okay, well, I'm gonna get out to bed, 383 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:41,960 "I'm gonna do push-ups." 384 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,280 And I'm the guy that's working and going to sleep, 385 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,400 and I'm physically sober, and I'm so grateful 386 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,360 that I met my first sponsor, his name is Bob Decker, 387 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,400 and I met him at my home group, the Bellflower Bigfoot Group, 388 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,440 and this man always hung out in the front of our meeting, 389 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:01,160 and he was tall, he was just the perfect man, you know? 390 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,440 And had a great smile, beautiful wife, 391 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,960 he was just clean, and he was calm, you know? 392 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,400 And my spirit's restless, it's tumultuous, you know? 393 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:16,160 I'm, like, disruptive, I'm, like, not just irritating, 394 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,520 you know, that's who came to you guys, you know? 395 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,760 I don't fit in, I don't blend in, I don't want to, 396 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,800 I don't wanna be one of many, you know, 397 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,840 always wanna stand out and be different. 398 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,960 And he took me, and I go approach him, 399 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,480 'cause I knew he was the guy 400 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,000 that I wanted to ask for help, right? 401 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,960 I'm physically sober, dying, like, I'm ready to leave, 402 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,880 like, 'cause, like, I need relief. 403 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,960 I ask him, like, "Hey, Bob, can we hang out?" 404 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,440 It's before our meeting on Monday, and he's, like, 405 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,880 "Yeah," he said, "We're gonna go to the Muffins 406 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,800 "and get a chicken pot pie we used to go before our meeting." 407 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,320 So I got a '63 Buick Wildcat, car is clean as a whistle, 408 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,840 but it's got no reverse. 409 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,080 The door, the hinges broke on the driver door, 410 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,560 so when you open it, it's tagged down, right? 411 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:03,120 Car looks clean, but it's got issues, right? 412 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,920 I got a stereo system in it, like you won't believe, 413 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,680 so Bob gets in the car, and he's, like, 414 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,080 "Oh, you know your car?" I'm like, "Yeah, Bob," 415 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:13,400 I turn the music up, I'm like, "Oh, oh, big image." 416 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,920 So I got to put the car in drive, 417 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,280 I would bump it off the parking bump, 418 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,600 pop it up in neutral and throw my foot out, 419 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:24,520 and with the door open, and Bob's looking at me, 420 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,040 and he's, like, "How long you sober?" 421 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,400 I'm like, "Yeah, Bob, I've got four years, man, 422 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,080 "I'm coming up on five," and he was, like, "Okay." 423 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,400 So we drive, we go to Muffins, 424 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,040 and I ask him to sponsor me, and here's what happened. 425 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,560 You know, I found this man that shared his life with me. 426 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:43,280 You see, when I looked at my brothers, sister, 427 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,120 my father, and my mother, 428 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,280 and I saw where they were in their life, 429 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,640 and where I was, I could never get there, you know? 430 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:51,880 They were completely, 431 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,200 had a completely different path than I had, 432 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,320 and Bob was a rider, you know? 433 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:57,520 He was a jacker. 434 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:01,160 He was a bad guy when he wasn't sober, 435 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,520 and I saw how he was living now. 436 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:07,360 He was quiet, he was calm, he was peaceful, 437 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:10,240 he was respectful, he made great money, 438 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,840 he had a beautiful wife, he loved her, 439 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,520 and adored her, and respected her, 440 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:17,480 and treated her like a queen. 441 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,040 Like, and he wasn't no chump, you know? 442 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,360 He wasn't, like, he wasn't, you could tell, you know? 443 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,960 But he would never, like, raise his voice, 444 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,600 or you didn't see him get angry, you know? 445 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,560 Everything was not a big deal, 446 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:32,960 and he always talked about this meter in our gut, 447 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,920 you know, this gauge that we're carrying in our gut, 448 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,640 and he shared his life with me, 449 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,120 and for the first time when I came to ALAA, 450 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,360 it's the first time that I had any hope. 451 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,800 You see, because I came here absolutely hopeless. 452 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,440 I thought, physical sobriety, I'm winning. 453 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:50,800 Like, yeah, man, I'm winning. 454 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,360 No, man, I was selling myself short, 455 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,600 and Bob encouraged me to take these steps, 456 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,440 and I'm so grateful that I did, 457 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,920 and he talked me through this process 458 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:01,400 of taking our inventory, 459 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,000 and I remember I did my complete inventory, 460 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,960 and I wrote everything down, every single thing, 461 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,760 and we got together, and I'm sharing it with him, 462 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,080 and I'm telling him everything, 463 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:12,280 and he was like, "You did that?" 464 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,800 I'm like, "Yeah, Bob," and I shared something else. 465 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,520 He was like, "Man, that was like five months ago. 466 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,200 Wasn't I sponsoring you?" 467 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,960 And I'm like, "Yeah, Bob," and I'm like, 468 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,320 he's like, "Put his head out," and he told me something, 469 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,640 and I'm like, "Bob, he's supposed to make me feel better," 470 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,960 and he's like, "No, no, I'm supposed to tell you the truth, 471 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,200 but I'm so grateful that." 472 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,240 This man shared his life to where we built a relationship 473 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,280 where I could trust this man to give this guy everything, 474 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:39,160 'cause the first time that I was completely honest 475 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,280 about everything, and the thing that was revealed to me 476 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:45,400 when I shared the truth about myself with another man 477 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,800 is that I'm afraid. 478 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:50,000 I'm a scared individual, but if you knew me, 479 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,080 you would never, ever say that I was scared. 480 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,040 You would say, "Oh, Dean Jenna, he crazy. 481 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,360 He ain't scared of nothing." 482 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,120 That's what you would say, "Oh, he low. He crazy. 483 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:01,400 Like, he ain't scared," but it was revealed to me 484 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:05,240 when I did my inventory that I was afraid of everything. 485 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,960 Fear always stopped me in my tracks, 486 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,240 or fear always made me run right through it. 487 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,560 Fear said, "Man, you better take off on this, dude." 488 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,320 Fear said, "Nah, you can't get a job. 489 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:15,680 Like, what you gonna do?" 490 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,400 Fear said, "Nah, you can't be in a relationship. 491 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,560 If the girl really knew you, 492 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,720 she wouldn't want to be with you," you know? 493 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,520 Fear said, like, "You know, you can't go back to school. 494 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,600 Like, come on, man. Look at you," 495 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,480 and it controlled every single area of my life, 496 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,920 and when I was done, my sponsor directed me 497 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,120 to find a relationship with God, and I'm so grateful. 498 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,960 Even though I'm born a Christian, I am a Christian. 499 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,640 I know who my God is, 500 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,840 but my relationship with God was not personal. 501 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,880 It was something that was given to me by my family, 502 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,160 and I just tried to emulate what I had seen happening 503 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,360 for my entire life. 504 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:55,000 It was nothing personal about my relationship, 505 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,960 and he directed me to page 86, 87, 506 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,720 and it's, like, for dummies, you know? 507 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,120 It says, "Upon awakening," and it gives us instructions. 508 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,560 It says, "When we retire at night," you know, 509 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,000 and it gives us instructions, 510 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,720 and I started taking those instructions on my knees, 511 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:12,320 and I just kept moving through with the steps, 512 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,640 and I started to get some power, 513 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,120 and my life started to take off, you see? 514 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:20,320 And I'm so, so grateful because Bob helped me 515 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,720 to develop this relationship with this God, 516 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,800 and literally, that's the thing that sustains me 517 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,440 because my life is not without problems. 518 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,520 It's not without, you know, issues, 519 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,160 and I wanna tell you guys, you know, in 2006, 520 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,280 you know, I'm living high on the hog. 521 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:37,600 My life looks great. 522 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:38,440 I'm married. 523 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,160 I've got this little boy, man. 524 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,880 If you knew my son, you'd be like, 525 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,480 "This is going to be so easy." 526 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,880 Oh, you see me on Instagram or Facebook. 527 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,680 You know, I'm, like, super poster, you know, 528 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,520 and, like, all these great things my son is doing, 529 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,080 you know, me going to church every Sunday, 530 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,240 you know, this great company that I have. 531 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,200 It's awesome, you know, my clothes are nice, 532 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,920 my car is nice, everything looks great, right? 533 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,400 My marriage is absolutely falling apart, 534 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,360 and on this day, I'm going to buy furniture 535 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,240 because I'm leaving my home, 536 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,320 and I'm going to move in with my buddy, 537 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,480 and I have a full-blown heart attack, 538 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,800 and so I have full cardiac arrest, 539 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,120 and I'm so grateful my buddy Rick was with me, 540 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,600 you know, and I wouldn't want, and they came, 541 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:23,960 but they brought me back to life, 542 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,080 and I was like, "It's a trip." 543 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:30,160 Two weeks after that, they put a little pacemaker 544 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,440 and a defibrillator in me, 545 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,960 and two weeks after that, I'm in a heart attack, 546 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,840 and my little defibrillator doesn't hurt. 547 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,560 That's my arrhythmia, and the thing malfunctioned 548 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,960 after it shocked me six times, 549 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,160 and ate five back up, which it's not supposed to do, 550 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,960 and it shocked me five more times, 551 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,280 and it brought me back. 552 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:49,760 That was the second heart attack, 553 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,240 and they go back to the doctor, 554 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:52,360 and they're like, "Oh, you know, 555 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:55,160 "I guess it's a little bit heavier than what we thought. 556 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,160 "You know, we're gonna swap this thing out. 557 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,920 "We're gonna give you three leads, 558 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,400 "and you know, we're gonna hit you with a mouth shot, 559 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,320 "and guaranteed, if you ever have another one of those, 560 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,480 "this'll stop it, and you'll be fine." 561 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,640 Two weeks after that, full-blown heart attack again, 562 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,280 walking until he's, what, a six-year-old? 563 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:16,280 Three heart attacks in a month, and now I'm sitting here, 564 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,840 I'm worried, you know, I'm anxious, you know, and I'm afraid. 565 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,840 Literally, I thought I was gonna die, 566 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,320 and I was so grateful that I had this relapse, 567 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,920 actively sponsored, and I had this relationship 568 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:32,040 with this guy, because I had to dive 569 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,080 into that relationship with God, 570 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:35,440 'cause that was the only thing 571 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,160 that was gonna give me some peace, 572 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,040 and I remember, by now, I'm sponsored by Johnny, 573 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,480 and one of the things that sometimes I forget, 574 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,640 you know, my sponsor, Bob, actually, I relapse. 575 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,120 It's even hard for me to say, 576 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,760 and I thought, like, man, like, 577 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,720 what is this program even all about? 578 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,520 Like, what am I gonna do, stay sober for 25 years, 579 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,640 and wind up being after, like, this is just, 580 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,000 and I was, like, really devastated. 581 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,600 I asked Johnny to sponsor me, 582 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,520 and I'm grateful that he was sponsoring. 583 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:03,920 I call him up, and I tell him, 584 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,320 "Hey, spots, you know, I had three heart attacks, 585 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,040 "and I'm about to die, but before I die, 586 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,640 "I'm sending my wife to go fill this prescription 587 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,480 "for this anxiety medicine, because, you know, 588 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,720 "I should have some peace before I go." 589 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,320 And he's like, "Well, before you do that, 590 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,120 "I'm gonna have Glen take you to a meeting," 591 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,800 and Glen's one of my eight brothers 592 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,560 that I don't even like. 593 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,720 Let me go with it. 594 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,880 Glen comes pick me up the next morning, 595 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,720 which was a Saturday, and takes me to this place 596 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,600 called Charlie Street in Costa Mesa, 597 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,440 and Charlie Street's a detox center, 598 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,200 and I'm sitting in there, and I'm so anxious 599 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,760 that I sit like this, and I'm with the family, 600 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,960 and I mean, I didn't even take normal. 601 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,720 And Glen's there, and he's talking to everybody, 602 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,240 'cause he's Mr. 12 Step, and he's moving all around. 603 00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,360 The meeting starts, and now I'm sitting there, 604 00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,840 and this guy's sharing, and then that guy's sharing, 605 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,320 and after three or four people, I'm judging everybody. 606 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,360 I'm like, "What's that person talking about?" 607 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,520 Now it's like 15 minutes to go, and I'm like, 608 00:24:58,520 --> 00:24:59,520 "This leader sucks. 609 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,200 "They haven't even called on me," right? 610 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,000 I'm thinking like, "When are they gonna call on me?" 611 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,400 And then finally, they're like, "Hey, you," you know? 612 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,200 And then they start sharing, and then next thing you know, 613 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,640 I feel great, and me and Glen are five in the gym. 614 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:16,640 I can't continue, and I found out that I feel best 615 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,040 when I'm thinking about myself, 616 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:20,680 and I'm grateful for that. 617 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,000 I dove in deep in a relationship with my father, 618 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,640 and I had to do some things, you know, 619 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,680 that were just a little bit extra outside of him, 620 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:33,040 and I'm grateful that I had the instructions 621 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,360 to even dive deeper, have that relationship. 622 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,080 But I wanna tell you guys, you know, 623 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:41,400 I was just trying to be the best dad that I could, 624 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,560 and you know, I was in this business 625 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,360 that was on the front of the economic meltdown, 626 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,960 and you know, I just had some fear around that. 627 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,800 But because I was actively sponsored, 628 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,800 and I was invested in this home group, you know, 629 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:56,800 I wasn't like riddled with fear 630 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,080 about what my life's gonna be like, you know, 631 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,080 as a whole world economy is unfolding, 632 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,080 and I just kind of maneuvered through. 633 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,440 And I do want you guys to know 634 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,260 that as I start going on, you know, 635 00:26:09,260 --> 00:26:11,920 this little boy that I have, who, you know, 636 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,360 I thought his life was just tailored perfectly, 637 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:17,000 was having no issues, you know, 638 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,920 and I had all these big, big plans for him. 639 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:24,920 When he was 18, he got arrested for really bad product. 640 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:28,720 I was in 2018, June of 2018, 641 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,080 and when he got arrested, I remember, 642 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,320 I was at work and in my office, 643 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:34,760 and he had already been in some trouble, 644 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,760 and I got the call, and I remember, 645 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:38,960 I'm just trying to make it off the sales floor 646 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,680 to like this conference room 647 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,560 that's maybe the distance of this room. 648 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,880 Gets halfway there, I fell to my knees, 649 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,360 and I just, the whole family's just crying, 650 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,060 like you couldn't believe like the pain that I felt 651 00:26:51,060 --> 00:26:52,600 was just, just dropped me, 652 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:54,900 and I crawled the distance of this room 653 00:26:54,900 --> 00:26:56,400 to make it to this conference room, 654 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,320 and I'm sitting in this room just screaming and crying, 655 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,560 like, "Why not? Why me? Why my baby? Why mine?" 656 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,600 And I leave out of work, and I look across the parking lot, 657 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,960 and I look at this liquor store that's worked 658 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,320 with this company a long time, 659 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,160 and the liquor store has always been there. 660 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,560 It just, it said some Bacardi 151. 661 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,000 That'll do it. That'll give me the relief. 662 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,000 That was the phone. 663 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,120 And I'm beelining it out the parking lot, 664 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:22,640 screaming in person, "God, like, I'm dying. 665 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,360 I can't endure this pain. I want relief." 666 00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:26,400 And I'm so grateful. 667 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,160 I pull my cell phone out, and I call my sponsor, 668 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,080 'cause my sponsor didn't pick up the phone, 669 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,560 and as I'm walking, I call one member. 670 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,980 I call my friend, the guy that's in my office, 671 00:27:36,980 --> 00:27:38,320 and he's picking on the phone, 672 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,400 and he just says to me, "Stop walking. Just stop walking." 673 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,920 And I stop, and I'm at the edge of the parking lot, 674 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:45,380 and I'm yelling at him, and he's like, 675 00:27:45,380 --> 00:27:46,920 "Just, like, I don't know." 676 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,840 And then I'm telling him, like, "This is it. 677 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,080 Here's what I'm gonna do." 678 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,200 And the next thing you know, my sponsor chimes in a line, 679 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,480 and I don't even know how he got on the call. 680 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:56,720 And he's like, "Timo." 681 00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,000 And I'm bouncing, and he starts asking me what's going on, 682 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,680 and I tell him, and he's like, "Oh, yeah." 683 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,200 And I sit down at work, and he told me to leave work 684 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:05,600 and meet him at the marina, 685 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,620 and I didn't hesitate to say yes. 686 00:28:07,620 --> 00:28:09,720 And I'm like, "I'll go meet you at the marina, 687 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:12,360 and if it's not better," and we went down to the marina. 688 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:14,200 He and I went to this morning meeting. 689 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,800 It wasn't even eight o'clock in the morning yet. 690 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,000 He talked to me for a little while. 691 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,280 By the time 12th noon had came around, 692 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,040 I had forgotten about what had just happened to me. 693 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:25,800 And I'm so, so grateful for that 694 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,680 because I could have thrown it all. 695 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:29,400 And I want to tell you guys, you know, 696 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:33,360 the stepfather that raised me, I was not a good son. 697 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:37,000 The man treated me just like he treated his black children. 698 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,160 I'm so grateful for this program of alcoholics and monuments 699 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:43,520 because after I got sober and I completed the steps, 700 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,960 I was able to amend that relationship, 701 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:47,400 and I was able to repair it. 702 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,200 And I was the kid, I was the son to this man 703 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:52,480 where we had a really, really great relationship, 704 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,520 a close relationship, and he died kind of suddenly 705 00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:59,040 about 30 days after he went to the doctor, 706 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:00,800 when he thought it was a hernia. 707 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,320 It was cancer, and I was by his bedside. 708 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:06,040 Every single day, and I'm grateful that I had the ability 709 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:07,840 to be there with him every single day. 710 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:11,040 And when he passed on, it wasn't his firstborn son 711 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,280 that carries his name or secondborn son. 712 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:17,760 Then he asked to do some of his personal things for him. 713 00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:19,760 I had a really good relationship, 714 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:21,160 and I was given that privilege. 715 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,760 And I'm so grateful because the program 716 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:27,840 had given me an opportunity to be clean and be free. 717 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:30,800 That part of the transition, and that blood-borne father 718 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,720 of mine that was never in my life, 719 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:36,720 he was never, he was a guy that I always resented 720 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:38,880 for not being that type of dad. 721 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,080 And it would always come up, you know, 722 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:42,760 and I'd be like, "God, I don't wanna work through it," 723 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,240 but there it is. 724 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:47,360 You know, in 2016, he wasn't able to work anymore. 725 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:49,400 He didn't work very much in his life. 726 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:53,360 Well, before that, you know, he called me one day, 727 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,760 and he's crying on the line, and he was like, 728 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:57,280 I'm like, "Man, what's up, pops?" 729 00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:58,880 And he was like, "God, I need help." 730 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,920 And I'm grateful because my sponsor and father, 731 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,640 oh, here's one right here, I'm sorry. 732 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:04,720 (laughing) 733 00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:05,560 Sissy. 734 00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:06,400 - Oh, okay. 735 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:07,240 - Sissy. 736 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,040 He had 12 step in when he had got sober, 737 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:11,520 and he was able to work. 738 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,640 He was trying to build a little life for himself, 739 00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,960 and yeah, he called, and he was sober in 2016, 740 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:21,560 and this guy, he had no place to go 741 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:23,560 that he could really continue in his life. 742 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,840 And I'm grateful that I had an opportunity 743 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:29,040 to welcome him into my home. 744 00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:30,520 He's been there, you know, 745 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,960 and the sister of mine is really literally my best friend. 746 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,000 I'm the type of brother, when she gets up 747 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,280 and walks away from her electric typewriter 748 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:40,440 back in the day when she was in college, 749 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,160 I'm the brother that grabs it when she's in the bathroom 750 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:44,520 and takes it and ponds it. 751 00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:47,200 And I don't even rip her little term paper 752 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,760 that she's typing on that too. 753 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:53,480 And with the third board nephew, you know, 754 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,040 she had called me and asked me 755 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:56,960 if she could name her son, actually. 756 00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,760 And my mom, who has always loved and adored me, 757 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:04,760 you know, I was a guy that had no feed at my parents' house. 758 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:09,760 You know, my mom trusts me with everything in her life, 759 00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:12,840 and she calls me and asks me for advice. 760 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:15,640 See, this program has given me an opportunity 761 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:19,520 to rebuild, reshape, and repair my life 762 00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:21,640 to where I can walk through my life 763 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:25,720 with problems and challenges as if there is none. 764 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:29,440 And I don't have these highs and these lows. 765 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:32,440 I have no shame or remorse, 766 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:35,680 and it doesn't mean that I don't fall short, 767 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,000 but the thing that I feel most comfortable about 768 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:41,000 is that if you be alcoholic like I'm alcoholic, 769 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:42,040 what would it say? 770 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:44,520 And we have an obligation to this program 771 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:48,440 to continue on and to give what was given to me. 772 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:50,080 That's why I do not say no. 773 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:52,160 That's why I don't have to finally come out 774 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:53,920 and speak in for you guys. 775 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:57,080 Okay, like, why do they ask me, you know? 776 00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:00,080 Oh, boy, I'm kinda shocked at it, 777 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:01,800 and I wanna tell you guys this. 778 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,880 This is the thing that absolutely mesmerizes me, 779 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,680 and I always look for relief, 780 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:09,440 and I knew that a bottle would give me relief. 781 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:13,080 As soon as I cracked the top of a 40-ounce or whatever it was 782 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,320 before it touched my lips, I felt bad. 783 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:18,240 This program of Alcoholics Anonymous is designed 784 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:21,400 to give me that exact same relief that we always saw. 785 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:22,400 Drink it. 786 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,800 Promise you, if you stick to it and you do the work, 787 00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:26,360 you'll find it as well. 788 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:28,560 Thank you for allowing us.