1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,440 Thank you. I'm just going to stand up long enough so that so that I can welcome everyone 2 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:14,720 who raised their hands as either a newcomer or retread. Because we're all in this room 3 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:20,600 because we have a disease. It's called alcoholism. I wanted to especially thank you for coming 4 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:26,840 tonight. And by the way, thank you, Karen, for inviting me and asking suggesting that 5 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:34,340 I suit up. When Karen told me that it was suggested that I wear a tie and a coat, I 6 00:00:34,340 --> 00:00:39,920 said, Oh, my goodness, there must be 500 people at this meeting. I can't remember whether 7 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:47,480 I wore this suit to a wedding or a funeral. But for alcoholic, can you hear me okay back 8 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:55,640 in the back means that I have a disease of the mind, the body and the spirit. And I think 9 00:00:55,640 --> 00:01:02,520 alcoholism is the only disease when that when you have it, people yell at you. For one reason 10 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:08,640 or another, I'm going back as far as I can remember, I when I was a kid growing up, I 11 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:14,240 had three sisters younger and I tell them today I said, you know, I'm an only child 12 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:21,080 except for my three, three sisters, which was kind of a clue of what was later to be 13 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:26,960 described as self centeredness. But as a kid, I knew I felt different than the other kids 14 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:32,700 in school. And as I grew up, and the reason that I felt different was because I was different. 15 00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:38,600 I didn't think like the other kids. And I no matter how many people were in a room always 16 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:43,360 felt alone or always felt self conscious. And I knew that I didn't amount to much but 17 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:49,880 I was all that I could think about. It was all about me. Um, I had my my first blackout 18 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:56,620 when I was about 12 years old. And my father was military. And I wanted to circle back 19 00:01:56,620 --> 00:02:03,080 just for a second. My father was military and we were living in Germany. And in Germany, 20 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:10,120 if you can reach the bar, they'll pour you a drink. So I was out on the town with some 21 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:17,880 other kids. And all I remember is that I would they had dragged me home in the snow by my 22 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:25,000 heels. And I had the next morning I got up and of course, I had vomited all over myself. 23 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:29,400 And and my mother thought it would be a good idea if I were to go and have a nice long 24 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:36,400 chat with a with the priest and tell him just what I had been up to time. I was a good student, 25 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:42,560 good student, who was a good, good kid, you know, generally never got in trouble. I was 26 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:48,560 a people pleaser teacher's pet. So I learned how to manipulate people early on. And what 27 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:54,120 was I gonna say? Oh, but Oh, I know what I was gonna say. By the way, I love alcohol. 28 00:02:54,120 --> 00:03:01,260 I love to drink. I loved it when I was drinking. And I've never lost my my affection. And the 29 00:03:01,260 --> 00:03:07,160 reason for that is from the very first time that I remember drinking alcohol did something 30 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:13,760 to me. It took me there, you know, I mentioned that I felt different because I was different. 31 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:20,040 When I drank, I went there. And I like being there. And so even though I was a good student, 32 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:24,600 I would drink all through high school on the weekends with my friends. And you know, I 33 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:30,480 went to college and went to all the parties, but I wouldn't drink when it was time to study. 34 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:37,240 And eventually, I got out of school and I was recruited by a big company. And in those 35 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:43,840 that time, you were expected to have martini lunches with your clients. And I love that. 36 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:50,520 I did early on, I did a lot of bar drinking and and I love to drink in the bars because 37 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:55,680 you know, they were nice and dark and there was music and hors d'oeuvres. And after a 38 00:03:55,680 --> 00:04:01,720 few drinks, I always I always felt like I was the genius sitting between the two assholes, 39 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:09,600 you know, and, and alcohol did that for me. And I loved it so much that I was paying attention 40 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:16,000 to my drinking. And all of the events that I made sure that I attended where there was 41 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:21,720 alcohol and I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything that didn't involve alcohol. And 42 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:29,080 that included being married to one woman, being a parent and, and being honest, because 43 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:34,840 in my work, I managed to lie, cheat and steal, you know, and it was white collar crime. And 44 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:39,400 it's a miracle that I'm wearing this suit tonight is not an orange suit, you know, I 45 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:48,520 will tell you that. My sobriety date is December 28 1993. So I celebrated 29 years on the last 46 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:54,440 time and you know, you know what my sponsor says earned that's a good start. So you know, 47 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:58,980 I'm just getting started. They made notes because I thought I was going to be speaking 48 00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:05,480 in front of you know, Hollywood, Hollywood Bowl. I wanted to say, especially to if you're 49 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:11,560 here at a meeting for the first time or 30 days, I've been to a lot of meetings over 50 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:17,600 those 29 years and I've never heard not once in a meeting. I've never heard anybody say 51 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:22,000 that the more they drank, the better their life. You know, I've always heard that the 52 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:29,600 more they drank, they spiral down until they hit that horrible nightmare rock bottom place 53 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:36,760 for you come face to face with inexplicable demoralization. And I went from drinking in 54 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:43,080 bars to sitting in my psychiatrist's office being analyzed as suicide. Ernest Cartwright 55 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:49,160 is a 38 year old male with suicidal ideation, you know, and I've got that report real handy 56 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:54,000 where I cannot work. I can refer live I have to as I was driving over here, how fortunate 57 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:59,880 I felt that I was coming to an AA meeting, you know, we're here because we're not all 58 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:05,560 there. We're here because we're not only and I was coming to an AA meeting and when we're 59 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:11,560 not in these meetings, we're outside and we're constantly being bombarded with information, 60 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:21,800 news, traffic, culture, bad news, worse news. I need another password. No. Yes, this is 61 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:26,600 Ernest Cartwright. I'd like to lower my cable bill. Okay. Do you have your your password? 62 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:32,240 No, no, I forgot it. Well, I said, Can't you just tell me how I can lower my cable? How 63 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:38,120 do we know it's you? Well, who else would be calling you to lower my bill? Three other 64 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:42,520 people are trying to steal my identity and they want to lower my bill. Let them that's 65 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:47,240 not the world that we live. So as I shared with Karen on the way over here, we're so 66 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:53,360 fortunate to have this program to help us keep focused. You know, our main job is to 67 00:06:53,360 --> 00:07:00,300 say so our main job is to work the steps, read the book, follow the program and not 68 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:05,040 drink. And if we do those things, no matter what's happening around us, we're going to 69 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:10,880 be okay, we're going to be okay. So we have a tremendous advantage to all of the normies 70 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:17,060 out there who they have to decide right or left conservative or liberal, yes or no, black 71 00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:22,300 or white, you know, they've lost their minds. But here, we're safe on a Saturday night. 72 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:28,060 So we don't just come to meetings to stop. That's what I was gonna say. We come to meetings 73 00:07:28,060 --> 00:07:32,920 for the drinking and we stay for the thinking. But it's even better than that, because we're 74 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:39,260 coming into a new meeting, we're coming into a new life. That's what that's the gift, the 75 00:07:39,260 --> 00:07:44,580 miracle of AA that if you come into these meetings, and you keep your ears open in your 76 00:07:44,580 --> 00:07:49,720 mouth shut for at least the first 90 days, in my case, five years before I had anything 77 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:55,780 to say, oh, then you've got a shot, you know, you've got a shot to to be the best person 78 00:07:55,780 --> 00:08:01,780 that you can be whoever you are. And today, you know, I'm not this is not what I planned 79 00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:07,340 to be when I was in school. And I newlywed, you know, I didn't see my future as being 80 00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:13,020 sitting here in a room with a bunch of drunks. So I didn't plan this. And there are other 81 00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:18,840 things that I could be but and this is the message. Thank God I and we're not what we 82 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:26,660 used to be violent. Wow, absolutely. I think I can do it. So mention that already. Ah, 83 00:08:26,660 --> 00:08:33,140 here's a good one. And by the way, the reason I make notes is because anything that I have 84 00:08:33,140 --> 00:08:38,060 up here is bullshit. You know, where's the book, if I could hold up a big book right 85 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:43,380 now would say this is the truth. And I'm saying this to all the newcomers, especially because 86 00:08:43,380 --> 00:08:48,320 your best thinking got you here, you know, your best ideas, oh, you know, I'll drive 87 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:56,340 that Ford Pinto off that cliff. That's a good idea. So, and what makes my my program especially 88 00:08:56,340 --> 00:09:02,460 rewarding is that I live by these little things, you know, as we go through the day, we pause 89 00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:08,240 when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. I do that at least 90 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:13,560 100 times a day, I have to tell you at least 100 times a day, because I'm always doubtful 91 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:19,500 and agitated. And I need the guidance that this pro I need this program for living and 92 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:24,780 I need to see that map. You know, I'm one of those guys that I can easily fall off and 93 00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:31,060 get into my own head and run. So one of the things that I love is to wisdom and goodness, 94 00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:34,580 and I'm sorry about me yelling, but I want to make sure that you guys hear this back 95 00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:41,900 there wisdom and goodness, we make only promises, it is pain that we obey. So the reason that 96 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:46,980 the newcomers and the reason I came in here, it wasn't because I was on a winning streak, 97 00:09:46,980 --> 00:09:53,180 you know, I was a loser, my ass was falling off, I was suicidal. And I realized that I 98 00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:59,540 just couldn't stop drinking. I had no power over alcohol that it completely controlled 99 00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:04,900 me. But in these rooms, when you come into a meeting, this is where we learn this is 100 00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:10,220 where we get the power to stop drinking. This is where we get that we find the power to 101 00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:18,100 stay sober one day at a time for 26 years for 29 years. So we're we're living proof 102 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:22,220 that this program works. And there's probably somebody out here that can raise their hands 103 00:10:22,220 --> 00:10:27,300 and my sponsors as well, you know, 50 years, but 29 is a good start, then that day will 104 00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:34,420 come that you'll be able to look in the mirror and say, today, I like what I see. I'm comfortable 105 00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:40,220 in my own skin, you know, not everything is right. relationships are still difficult. 106 00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:46,700 I'm having a hard time at work, my finances are out of control. My body's falling apart, 107 00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:52,980 I'm okay, I accept that. I'm grateful that I've lived this long. I'm grateful to know 108 00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:57,780 that I have a connection with a higher power. And that's what makes it work from one day 109 00:10:57,780 --> 00:11:03,060 to the next. And our program in the 11th step. So I've through prayer and meditation, to 110 00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:09,240 maintain our conscious contact with God, as we understood, train only for knowledge of 111 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:15,220 his will for us and the power to carry that out. So the program is simple, but we are 112 00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:20,780 insane people, we're nuts, and we'll always be nuts. But as long as we work the program 113 00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:25,060 and keep our mouth shut, no one will know outside these rooms that we're crazy. You 114 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:30,520 know, in here, we can say, Yeah, I'm an alcoholic. I'm crazy. But nobody out there wants to hear 115 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:35,180 it. You know, they don't need it. We can. Karen said, Ernest, I want you to wear a tie. 116 00:11:35,180 --> 00:11:41,660 And I said, Okay, she says, because we want the newcomers to see what the program can 117 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:45,820 do. But I'm here to tell you that I don't come to this meeting or any meetings to look 118 00:11:45,820 --> 00:11:52,440 good. I come to feel good. That's why we come. I think you mentioned the the ABCs, right? 119 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:59,700 That's Jojo. Was that Jojo? Okay. So to the newcomers, the program is as simple as ABC. 120 00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:05,620 A, we knew that we were alcoholic, and probably no human power on earth could relieve our 121 00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:12,860 alcoholism and God would if we let ABC so if you need to have it sharing my experience 122 00:12:12,860 --> 00:12:23,260 strength and hope. So getting back to my psychiatrist office. I went from drinking in bars to going 123 00:12:23,260 --> 00:12:29,420 back home. You know, I remember my last night, my parents who are I'm an orphan right now. 124 00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:34,500 I was in the restaurant business in Santa Barbara and, and my partner called and by 125 00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:41,180 the way, I was I was stealing from my my own register, of course. And my partner said, 126 00:12:41,180 --> 00:12:47,300 you better come and get earnest because I had been lying in the shower for two days. 127 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:53,940 And so my dear mother and father came up and they loaded me into the back of the car and 128 00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:57,780 in Santa Barbara, and as we grew up, we were driving out of town. I said, Please stop. 129 00:12:57,780 --> 00:13:02,700 I've got to buy a six pack. And so I drank the six pack on the way home, you know, in 130 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:08,460 the backseat, what a loser. And I went into my into my parents, and I had run out of the 131 00:13:08,460 --> 00:13:13,020 insurance, there was no more coverage, no more hospital stays no more. I was here at 132 00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:17,500 Burbank at least half a dozen times in and out over the years, you know, and every time 133 00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:25,540 I come back Oh, and I my dear mother dried me out with with soup, but I would keep a 134 00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:31,340 bottle of whiskey underneath the bed, because I just couldn't sleep at night. I, you know, 135 00:13:31,340 --> 00:13:36,780 I wanted to get even with everybody. And I was so full of anger and fear that that was 136 00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:42,380 as bad as it got, you know, keeping that bottle of whiskey under my bed and sucking on it 137 00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:49,420 so that I could pass out again. And I remember that a handful of years earlier, I had gotten 138 00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:56,040 a DUI, and the judge had sent me to the Windsor Club in Glendale. And so finally, after my 139 00:13:56,040 --> 00:14:01,900 parents weren't weren't home. And so I just I knew that I was gonna die the way I felt 140 00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:07,340 the point that I had reached this, I was insane. I was insane. And I dropped on my knees, and 141 00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:12,560 I asked God for help. And when my parents came home, I asked my dad if he would drive 142 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:18,620 me to the Windsor Club. And I walked into the club. And Bob Elias was still my sponsor 143 00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:22,580 was sitting behind the desk. And I said, Is this is this where the meeting is? And he 144 00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:27,380 said, Yeah. And I said, How long is it gonna last? He said the rest of your life. And for 145 00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:32,540 the first year, really, I kept my mouth shut, because my sponsors suggested that I do so 146 00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:38,740 I was really a bad case. And somehow, you know, during this time, I even managed to 147 00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:43,300 move to New York City and stay sober in New York City, because in New York City, and this 148 00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:48,500 is the only f bomb I promise I'll drop tonight. But you know, their recovery program is get 149 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:54,860 the fuck up where you're gonna die. That's it. That's how they sponsor you. So, and page 150 00:14:54,860 --> 00:15:00,700 86 on awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. So if you if you want to stay 151 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:05,780 sober, if you want the program to work, then as I said, you read the big book, you work 152 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:10,740 the steps, you get a sponsor, and some point three things will happen to you the first 153 00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:16,140 three steps, you'll admit that you're powerless over alcohol, you'll come to believe that 154 00:15:16,140 --> 00:15:21,140 a power greater than yourself can restore your sanity, sanity, and you'll turn your 155 00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:26,700 life and your will in your life over to the care of God. And with regard to to the God 156 00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:31,860 of question, my sponsor said, there's only two things you need to know about God. There's 157 00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:37,340 one and you're not it. You're not God. So you don't share enough. I don't work with 158 00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:42,700 others and especially with newcomers. I don't give myself to the program enough. And that's 159 00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:48,060 my loss. You know, I'm working on I'm working on. So if anybody needs a sponsor, talk to 160 00:15:48,060 --> 00:15:54,860 me after my family tree as well. You know, my ethnicity is is Mexican. And we did all 161 00:15:54,860 --> 00:16:02,460 the week DNA hasn't been gleaned out yet. But we're trying a person very close to me, 162 00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:08,620 you know, my daughter, who I think I'm saving that seat for, but she doesn't want to hear 163 00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:14,900 anything I have to say, of course. And what this program has has taught me that is one 164 00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:20,420 of the things I really treasure is spirituality. What does that mean? Well, for me, spirituality 165 00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:25,340 means that I've learned how to keep my mouth shut restraint of pen, the less I have to 166 00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:33,060 explain, apologize, or be that we need to make an amends. And my my daughter's mom passed 167 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:38,020 away a handful of years ago. And so I said, you should move in with me, you should move 168 00:16:38,020 --> 00:16:42,180 in with me. And she finally did. And the reason that she didn't want to move in with me is 169 00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:47,260 because she thought that she was going to have to give up her drinking. So. So I moved 170 00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:52,580 into the in laws, the mother in law house in the back of our house, and she has the 171 00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:58,260 run of the whole watch. She and her cats, and her friends that do like to party and 172 00:16:58,260 --> 00:17:03,300 they party heavy and they drink heavily and and when she gets into her cups, you know, 173 00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:09,520 that old alcoholism comes out. But you know, I've got this this shield that I just I it's 174 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:16,060 impenetrable impenetrable because I don't let that I can see it. And and I'm not trying 175 00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:20,660 to 12 step her but in the handful of years that she has lived, we've lived under the 176 00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:28,200 same roof, I can see that her behavior is calming down and her rage anger and yesterday 177 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:33,900 when yesterday, one of her friends was visiting her who was not an alcohol, but nevertheless, 178 00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:40,140 one of her friends. And she, she she knew that I was going to come here and speak. So 179 00:17:40,140 --> 00:17:45,540 my daughter was in earshot and I told her what I was going to share what it was like 180 00:17:45,540 --> 00:17:50,900 what happened and what it's like today. And my daughter teared up most of the time, you 181 00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:56,900 know, most of the time, reasonably happy, you know, God grant me the serenity to accept 182 00:17:56,900 --> 00:18:01,300 things that cannot change and the courage to change the things I can wisdom to know 183 00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:07,080 the difference in the degree the next pair, it is and to be reasonably happy. So I'm not 184 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:14,180 happy all the time, but most of the time, and that's such a joy to to know that your 185 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:20,980 anger meter doesn't spike or anything, you know, so and as we all know, you know, once 186 00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:26,620 we step out these doors, we're surrounded by assholes everywhere. But I don't rage out 187 00:18:26,620 --> 00:18:30,460 on the freeway, you know, I've been flipped off, I guess I'm starting to drive a little 188 00:18:30,460 --> 00:18:37,180 more carefully. And that's a gift, you know, that's a gift. I'm able to be there getting 189 00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:43,540 back to drinking at the bar and putting drinking above everything else above being a father, 190 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:48,660 but being a husband, the reason that I asked my daughter to move in, and she finally did 191 00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:55,780 is is because and what I'm doing today is I'm working a living right after her mother 192 00:18:55,780 --> 00:19:00,500 died, her mother died, her mother died from cancer, my sister was in the hospital room 193 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:05,700 with my daughter when she passed. And right before she passed, she said, Tell your father 194 00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:10,800 I forgive it. My daughter has never said that she's never shared that. So you know, she 195 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:16,880 still gets I'm still on the hook. I'm still on the hook. But and that's the most important 196 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:21,520 thing for me to do. You know, when all is said and done, I've made the whole circuit 197 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:29,340 and and today my motto is dare to be dull, dare to be dull and just be the father story.