1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,820 - Hello, my name is Elizabeth and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:03,820 --> 00:00:08,280 My sobriety date is March 9th, 2006. 3 00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:10,340 And on March 9th of this year, 4 00:00:10,340 --> 00:00:13,480 I was in Mexico where I've been gone every winter 5 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,760 for last seven or eight years. 6 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,040 And I actually have a little home group 7 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:22,880 and a little Mexican town there of about 2000 people. 8 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,680 And we meet in what is called the Chicken Shack 9 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,200 because it is a shack and it has chicken wire 10 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,320 for the front door and it has a dirt floor 11 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:36,060 and the dirtiest plastic chairs you can imagine. 12 00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:37,840 And it's a great meeting. 13 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,420 And I was there on my birthday and they said, 14 00:00:41,420 --> 00:00:43,280 "Oh, good, it's your birthday. 15 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,940 We'll change the format and you get to be the leader." 16 00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:50,400 And so I got to share on my birthday and lead the meeting. 17 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,160 And it was a great way to celebrate my birthday, 18 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:56,240 except for the fact that in 17 years, 19 00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:00,240 I've been celebrating my birthday by taking a cake 20 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:03,820 given to me by my sponsor with my home group. 21 00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:07,080 And I missed my home group on my birthday this year. 22 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:11,080 So tonight I'm taking a cake, my sponsor and I had dinner. 23 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,060 Actually, we had dessert. 24 00:01:13,060 --> 00:01:16,760 It's a sneaky way to get two pieces of cake tonight 25 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,480 and on Zoom 'cause she lives out of state 26 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:24,380 and dress up like we do here to celebrate our birthdays. 27 00:01:24,380 --> 00:01:27,060 And I walked in, the secretary said, 28 00:01:27,060 --> 00:01:29,740 "Would you mind being the leader tonight?" 29 00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:31,940 Because my speaker didn't show up. 30 00:01:31,940 --> 00:01:35,320 I'm wearing a dress, a requirement, so here I am. 31 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,060 My higher power has a funny sense of humor 32 00:01:38,060 --> 00:01:42,320 because now I enjoy speaking on my birthday so much 33 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,480 that I get to do it again. 34 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,340 So thank you for asking me. 35 00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:48,280 It's an honor and privilege. 36 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:52,960 And I owe everything, everything that I have experienced 37 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:57,160 in the last 17 years to the people in this room. 38 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,980 This quality of life is my home group. 39 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:04,980 It's been my only home group and I love it 40 00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:09,080 with a loyalty and a commitment that means the world to me. 41 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:14,040 So this actually is the best birthday present I can have. 42 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,320 So I'm not gonna say what year I was born. 43 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:21,200 It was way before you, Monty, and thank you for your share. 44 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:25,620 But I grew up the youngest and the only girl. 45 00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:28,880 I have two older brothers on the south side of Chicago, 46 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,660 let's just say in the fifties. 47 00:02:30,660 --> 00:02:34,560 And my dad got up every day and put on a suit 48 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,040 and went downtown to work. 49 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:39,240 And my mother literally was a housewife 50 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,680 and vacuumed with a string of pearls, 51 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,160 just like Lea Vichabever. 52 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:49,160 I always had clothes, a warm home, plenty of food, 53 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:53,640 a great education, a stable family life. 54 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:58,480 And I should have felt like a princess of the world. 55 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,000 I know my two older brothers thought I was gonna go 56 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,260 to the world, but I didn't feel that at all. 57 00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:07,620 I always felt, even from being the littlest girl, 58 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,560 that my two older brothers and my parents 59 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,320 had something going on. 60 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:14,060 And I was like the fifth wheel, 61 00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:17,520 that I was just like the ornaments or something. 62 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,120 But they knew what was going on. 63 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:22,520 They were the family and I was like the baby doll 64 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,120 or something, you know? 65 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:29,120 And to me that shows me that I just felt different 66 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:34,200 and a part of, not connected and clueless 67 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:35,960 right from the get go. 68 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,600 And I think that's alcoholism because I've heard that 69 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,040 over and over and over in these rooms. 70 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:44,960 And I felt that my whole life. 71 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,960 Remember we had a city block park two blocks away 72 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,240 from my house and we had to walk through this park 73 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,540 to get to the school. 74 00:03:53,540 --> 00:03:56,800 And in those days, kids just, you just lived 75 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,400 in your neighborhood outside. 76 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,180 And so we would always go to the park 77 00:04:00,180 --> 00:04:02,200 and I must have been in kindergarten. 78 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:06,080 And I remember being in a bush and watching all the kids 79 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:10,360 playing in the park and a voice came to me and said, 80 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,360 it's always gonna be like this for you. 81 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:16,840 You're always gonna be looking out into, 82 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:20,160 and you're, but it's okay, just don't tell anybody. 83 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,520 And so this was what I was telling myself from the get go 84 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:27,320 that I was different, that life was gonna go on 85 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:31,120 and I somehow was always gonna be separated. 86 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:36,120 And that's kind of how I lived my childhood 87 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:40,040 and my early years is that I was okay in school. 88 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,760 I was above average. 89 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,040 I did my best not to make any waves. 90 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,780 I was a good little girl 91 00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:49,480 and I was a good Catholic little girl. 92 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,840 And I just didn't make waves 93 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,120 so that no one would notice me. 94 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,800 So I wouldn't have to do much of anything. 95 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,480 So people wouldn't expect much out of me. 96 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,120 I was just kind of the add on, the baby doll. 97 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:10,120 And so I didn't, we had groups, gangs of kids 98 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,720 that just played together. 99 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,960 And I always had one best friend 100 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:18,720 because I only felt safe really one-on-one with one person. 101 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,420 And I had a best friend in high school. 102 00:05:21,420 --> 00:05:23,480 She's still my best friend to this day. 103 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,400 And my brother used to call us the shy, 104 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:29,760 the two shyest girls on the South side of Chicago. 105 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,560 But we were Mutt and Jeff all through high school, 106 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,000 all through our college days. 107 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,720 And we were nerds, that's what we were, we were nerds. 108 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,360 And always wanted to be part of the popular kids 109 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,360 and just never quite could do it, you know, 110 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,040 just did not know how to be cool. 111 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,920 Never got that instruction booklet. 112 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,360 And so I wanted to be popular. 113 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:58,100 I wanted to go to the carjes and stuff, but I never did. 114 00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:02,320 And so I never got into drinking. 115 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,320 There was alcohol in my house. 116 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,720 My father being full-blooded Irish, 117 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,080 he would think he'd be a big drinker, 118 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,480 but it was actually my German French mother 119 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,400 who was a periodic. 120 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,240 I can say she, in her later years, 121 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,000 went to Alcoholics Anonymous. 122 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,920 She went to three meetings and the God thing got her, 123 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:27,000 you know, being a good lapsed Catholic. 124 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,280 She didn't feel she deserved to be 125 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:32,540 a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. 126 00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:35,760 So she was a periodic. 127 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:40,760 And as her drinking progressed in my life, 128 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,600 I didn't want to be like her. 129 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,280 And so I stayed away from alcohol. 130 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:50,420 Of course, I wasn't really involved with people who had it, 131 00:06:50,420 --> 00:06:51,920 so it was kind of easy. 132 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,560 When I got to college, I smoked a little pot. 133 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,360 I loved psychedelics, so I was, you know, I loved that. 134 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,660 I loved getting out of my head. 135 00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:02,800 But again, it was mostly on my own. 136 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,040 You know, I was a solo flyer kind of. 137 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,960 And so what happened? 138 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,800 I got married when I was 19. 139 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,120 I got like a, what a good Catholic girl does 140 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,480 when she wants to get out of the house, she gets married. 141 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,960 But I got divorced when I was 23. 142 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,000 That's not what a good Catholic girl does. 143 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:25,920 After I got divorced, I joined a spiritual community, 144 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,380 what you would call a cult. 145 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:32,740 And again, not what a good Catholic girl would do. 146 00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:37,520 And interestingly enough, I've always had a love 147 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,520 for the God topic, you know. 148 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:45,260 And I was born and raised and grew up in the 60s and 70s. 149 00:07:45,260 --> 00:07:49,440 And Eastern gurus were a big thing. 150 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:53,040 And Transcendental Meditation was just being introduced. 151 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:56,640 And I gravitated a lot to that. 152 00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:00,580 And hence my spiritual community, I found a guru. 153 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:04,560 And the first few years that I was there, I loved. 154 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,720 You know, we'd get up very early in the morning 155 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,020 and meditate and we would go out and do a service. 156 00:08:10,020 --> 00:08:11,880 And we lived in a group setting. 157 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,940 And then after a few years, 158 00:08:13,940 --> 00:08:16,360 kind of some hinky things started happening. 159 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:21,360 And actually that's when I got introduced to daily drinking 160 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:25,600 and other party favors. 161 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:30,080 And so by the time that I left that community, 162 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,680 I was a daily drinker and I sure liked coke. 163 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:38,680 So it's funny, I went so long until my late 20s 164 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:43,000 before I started drinking and using drugs. 165 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,100 And as soon as I started, 166 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:50,480 I became a daily drinker immediately, immediately. 167 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,520 And after I left the group, 168 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,940 I started drinking not only at night after work, 169 00:08:56,940 --> 00:08:59,000 I was always a waitress at work night. 170 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,520 And that's when I first started is I'd have a couple drinks 171 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,320 in the bar after, you know, 172 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:06,320 after doing all your side work or, 173 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,680 and then I started drinking before I went to work, you know, 174 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,980 just having a couple beers in the afternoon 175 00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:13,240 before I went to work. 176 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:16,840 And then I started drinking in work 177 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,040 'cause it's really easy when you're working at a restaurant 178 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,960 that has a bar to get. 179 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,680 And so, but right away, it just, 180 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:29,400 I started drinking every day right from the get-go. 181 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:33,280 It took 10 to 20 years for me to progress. 182 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,600 You know, I didn't get drunk every day, 183 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:40,120 but I needed some alcohol every single day. 184 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,960 And when I realized what was going on, 185 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,960 like the big book says was no longer a mere habit. 186 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:51,400 It was, I needed, I needed to have a drink every day. 187 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:56,000 It got to the point where a six pack of Heineken was normal 188 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,380 for me, five foot tall, you know, 189 00:09:59,380 --> 00:10:01,720 and a six pack of Heineken, 190 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,660 I would have two beers before work and four beers after, 191 00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:09,520 and that became my basis for the rest of my life. 192 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,960 I started drinking when I was in my mid 20s 193 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:17,960 and I stopped drinking at 53 and I drank every single day. 194 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,560 It doesn't matter if I, how sick I was or whatever, 195 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,420 I had alcohol every day. 196 00:10:25,420 --> 00:10:29,600 In 1981, 10 years before you were even born, 197 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:33,880 I walked into a music store. 198 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,760 I bought a keyboard from the salesman 199 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,680 and I married him to the day, you know, 200 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:44,680 and he, you know, he, we got married in '87 201 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,640 and by the time we got married, 202 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:51,440 he knew that I drank a six pack of Heineken a day. 203 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,380 He didn't know that I was also drinking 204 00:10:53,380 --> 00:10:57,460 vodka tonics at work all through my shift, you know, 205 00:10:57,460 --> 00:10:59,580 but he knew that I was a drinker, 206 00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:03,120 but he enjoyed smoking marijuana. 207 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:07,120 So we each had our thing and I think it was, it was okay. 208 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,520 I was controlling, I was enjoying 209 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,800 and controlling my alcohol then, you know, 210 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,920 and we got married. 211 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,580 He was a comic and we went on the road 212 00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:21,600 and I'm telling this because this is when I realized 213 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,280 I had a problem. 214 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,680 We were in the South and did you know 215 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,840 that there are dates and counties in the South 216 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,600 where you cannot buy alcohol on Sundays? 217 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,720 Now I had been drinking every day for about, you know, 218 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:39,400 seven, eight years now and this was a problem. 219 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,200 This was a problem. 220 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,960 I had no alcohol. 221 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,720 I had to go 24 hours without, 222 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,520 this was not only a problem for me, 223 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,800 it is now a problem for the husband 224 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,360 because he needs to get me some alcohol, right? 225 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,080 And that was the first time I went, oh my God, 226 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,040 I can't go a date without it. 227 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,080 But did I fess up to it, you know? 228 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,200 Did I realize, Elizabeth, you have a problem. 229 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,280 No, it took me what, 20 more years. 230 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,520 But that was the first time, you know, 231 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,200 we realized that I had a problem. 232 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:16,100 I had more than a habit with my own ethnicity. 233 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:17,880 We moved to LA. 234 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,680 My husband traveled a lot because he was a comic 235 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:25,480 and I got a job as a banquet waitress 236 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:28,960 at a hotel, charity universal hotel. 237 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:33,480 And being a banquet waitress is the best job for a drink 238 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:38,480 because I opened probably 40 bottles of wine a night, right? 239 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:43,160 You open it up in the kitchen, right? 240 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:48,160 And then you bring the bottles out into the dining area 241 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:52,960 and you put four bottles each on each of your five tables. 242 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:57,880 In the hotel, there is a doorway at the kitchen 243 00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,880 and then a little hallway 244 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,240 and then a doorway into the banquet room. 245 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,160 And you know how many swigs of wine you can take 246 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,880 from an open bottle of wine from one door, 247 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,920 glug, glug, glug, before you get to the next door, 248 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,560 before you put it in the bottle, 249 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,840 you just chug from down on the table 250 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:21,120 for your guests who are at a nice wedding 251 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,960 and they have no idea the waitress 252 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:27,760 that's serving their wine and their food is drunk, right? 253 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,320 That was, that was, there were, 254 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:35,080 I did not drive home sober from that job. 255 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,800 I worked there 12 years. 256 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,640 I did not drive home sober from that job one night, you know. 257 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,920 I passively accepted that the banquet staff 258 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,640 would have a cocktail or two after, you know, 259 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,760 after serving the dinner. 260 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,880 But you know, the bosses had no idea 261 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,840 how much alcohol I was drinking. 262 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,240 I had to make amends to the Sheraton Universal Hotel 263 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,000 for drinking, I must have drank, you know, 264 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,160 gallons of liquor in the 12 years that I, 265 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,640 if you had asked me back then if I thought, 266 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,880 you know, I was doing something wrong 267 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,360 or weird, you know, I would just, 268 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:17,000 I lived, I built this like little land 269 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,440 of self-justification, you know, 270 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,200 where my actions, well, they, you know, 271 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,360 I wasn't hurting anybody, I wasn't hurting anybody, 272 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,840 except that if it's your wedding day 273 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,840 and I'm waiting on the bride 274 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,000 and I've been drinking your champagne, you know, 275 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,760 or you're having your mother's memorial luncheon 276 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:41,320 and your weight, you can smell liquor 277 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,880 on your waitress's breath, you know, 278 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:48,720 at 11 in the morning, you know, it's alcoholic. 279 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,520 It warps, it warps the person you are. 280 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,520 It certainly warped the person I was. 281 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,320 And you know, it goes on. 282 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,640 So I got married and you know, 283 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,800 you'd have to ask my husband what he thought 284 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:07,720 during all these times because I tried to hide it 285 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:11,360 after I could no longer get off just with beer. 286 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:14,280 I had to supplant it at home with vodka. 287 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:18,720 And so I started hiding my liquor, right? 288 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,680 I had, he'd come home from work. 289 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,320 He had now changed his career and he'd come home from work 290 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:29,280 and go upstairs into the office and work. 291 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,120 And I'd stay downstairs in the kitchen 292 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:36,040 and clean the kitchen because it would take me all night 293 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,720 to clean the kitchen because my vodka 294 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,120 was in the pantry hidden here and there. 295 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,200 And then in the morning, he'd go off to work 296 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,120 and I'd have to collect the empty bottles. 297 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:51,680 And then I would have to get them into a bag 298 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:56,480 and then I would have to drive somebody else's garbage can, 299 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,840 right, so that he would never discover, 300 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,080 you know, what I was doing. 301 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:05,680 At that point, I got to quit the waitressing job 302 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,440 and I started my own business of pet care. 303 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:13,440 And yes, I would take the keys to your apartment 304 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:18,280 and go into your apartment and get your dog 305 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,800 and take your dog for a walk 306 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,280 and then bring your dog back and lock up. 307 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,880 But all the while, I would have, you know, 308 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:28,600 a nice little water bottle that didn't have water in it, 309 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,160 was filled with vodka. 310 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,600 And if I happened to be low, 311 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,800 I'd be going through your cabinets to see what you had, 312 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:40,560 right, so this was your dog water. 313 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:44,280 Finally, my husband, you know, did the ultimatum. 314 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,320 He thought I was unhappy, you know. 315 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:51,760 He's not an alcoholic and just doesn't get it, right. 316 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,040 He thinks I'm unhappy. 317 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,760 He says, "You've always wanted a house. 318 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,600 I'm gonna buy you a house, 319 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,800 but please don't bring the alcohol into it." 320 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:04,400 And by this time, I was 50 years old 321 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:08,280 and I knew I had a problem and I knew I couldn't stop. 322 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,840 And so I said, "Okay," and I called central office 323 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:15,040 and they sent me over to a meeting 324 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,960 and it was licensed session, 325 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,120 which is the precursor of quality of life. 326 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:25,600 And I walked in and like everybody says, 327 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,720 there's all these happy people 328 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,840 and they're so happy to see you 329 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:33,040 and they're shaking your hands and they want to hug you. 330 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:36,480 And I'm, oh, no, no, no, no. 331 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:41,040 I stayed for 17 days and I said, 332 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:45,880 "No, no, no, I just, you guys were just too much." 333 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,600 And I said, "Thank you very much. 334 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:52,960 Now that I know, I know I can control this on my own. 335 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,240 So thanks, but no thanks." 336 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,880 And after 17 days, I left. 337 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,000 I did control it for about three weeks 338 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,000 and then we were on. 339 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000 And two more years, it just got worse and worse and worse. 340 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,760 And now I'm drinking with my morning coffee 341 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,520 and now I'm drinking all day long, can't stop. 342 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,280 And something happens with my vision. 343 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:19,640 I go and I find out 344 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,880 that I have an inoperable brain tumor. 345 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,280 So this is the first dramatic thing 346 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:27,680 that really has ever happened to me. 347 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,000 And I have absolutely no tools 348 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:35,000 but vodka to handle the fear that comes with this. 349 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:39,880 It affected my eyesight, so I couldn't watch TV much. 350 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,400 I couldn't read much. 351 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:42,920 I couldn't drive at all, 352 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,760 but I could still walk to the liquor store. 353 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,440 And my drinking just skyrocketed. 354 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:54,080 My mother had passed away the previous six months 355 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,680 before I went to take care of her 356 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,240 in her last three weeks of life. 357 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,560 And I was drunk the whole time. 358 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:06,080 And when she passed away, it finally hit me 359 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:10,240 that my mother was not that alcoholic in my life. 360 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,560 Like I had always thought that I was the alcoholic 361 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,480 in my life. 362 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,360 But it took that, the fear of the brain tumor 363 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,000 to really bottom me out. 364 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,760 And so I was blessed with a moment of clarity. 365 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,560 I knew I had a problem. 366 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,040 I felt like I was down the hole 367 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,160 and I just could not climb out. 368 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,520 Fear, I was just panic stricken every day. 369 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:41,760 I just didn't know how I was going to live. 370 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,440 And I was drunk all the time. 371 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:46,240 My husband would come home. 372 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,760 He'd opened the door and his face, 373 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,720 in fact, I just remember his face every night 374 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,840 would kind of look around like, 375 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,480 what am I going to get tonight? 376 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,240 Is she going to be passed out on the couch? 377 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,880 Is dinner going to be on the stove? 378 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,880 Is she going to be happy? 379 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,240 Is she going to be a royal bitch? 380 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,400 What ends coming? 381 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,520 I'll never forget that face 382 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,720 that I don't get to have to see anymore. 383 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:18,280 So anyway, I had this moment of clarity 384 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:19,720 in Ralph's parking lot. 385 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,960 It was 12 noon. 386 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,560 I had gone in to buy birthday cards. 387 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,880 I had been controlling my drinking for three days. 388 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,280 I hadn't had any vodka. 389 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:35,040 I just had about a 12 pack of beer every night. 390 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,560 I was feeling pretty good about this control 391 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,480 and my vodka was on sale. 392 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,000 So I had to buy it. 393 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:45,000 So, well, maybe I'll have one after dinner 394 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:50,000 and maybe now, what am I kidding myself? 395 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,720 You know, I'm going to have three. 396 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:55,680 And there I am, a middle-aged little white lady 397 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,280 at noon in Ralph's parking lot, 398 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,080 opening up a warm bottle of vodka 399 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,120 and not being able to stop myself. 400 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,560 And I don't want to do this. 401 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,960 I do not want to do this, 402 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,720 but there was nothing in me that could stop me. 403 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,240 And I had this, as I drank it, 404 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,800 I had this moment of clarity that I was on the brink 405 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,680 of losing, a psychotic brink, you know, 406 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,800 of losing complete self volition. 407 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,280 Now, I wish I could say that I, you know, 408 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,040 put the hat back on and went to a meeting. 409 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,760 No, I went home and I finished the bottle. 410 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,840 The next day, I went back to that meeting 411 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:39,840 of license session that I had walked out of two years ago. 412 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,600 And I walked in and some of the same people were there. 413 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,240 And some of those people even remembered me 414 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,520 and they were still happy and they were still alive. 415 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,360 And they weren't, 416 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:54,160 they didn't seem scared out of their board like I was. 417 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,840 And so that's when I stayed. 418 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,800 I stayed and I got a sponsor. 419 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:00,600 I got a sponsor right away. 420 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:06,720 And I did what the people at license session do. 421 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,920 And I did the steps and I got honest with myself 422 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:15,360 for the first time and somehow it wasn't easy. 423 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:20,240 Somehow I didn't have to drink day by day, 424 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,400 one day and then the next day and then the next day. 425 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,720 And all of a sudden it was 30 days. 426 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,720 And it had been 25 years that I could say 427 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,760 that I had one day, let alone 30 days. 428 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,480 How does that happen? 429 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:36,720 How does that happen? 430 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,040 You know, that is the, that's the miracle 431 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,680 and the promise of Alcoholics Anonymous. 432 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,320 And then all of a sudden it's a year. 433 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,840 And in this group, you get together at midnight 434 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,240 on the eve of your first birthday. 435 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,560 And all of these people you've been hanging out with 436 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,640 just about every night for a whole year 437 00:22:56,640 --> 00:23:01,440 are there to celebrate you not drinking for a year. 438 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,400 And me, I had isolated. 439 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,600 I'd been a loner. 440 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,880 I'd flown solo with one best friend. 441 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,920 My whole life had this world full of people 442 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,680 that actually knew me because they made me 443 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:17,120 tell them about me, you know. 444 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:19,680 It's just the most fantastic thing in the world 445 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,040 this gets over, you know. 446 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:26,920 And so now I've had 17 years of 365 days of that. 447 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,480 And it's a great life. 448 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,040 It's a great life. 449 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,320 I don't know how I was blessed. 450 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:38,000 That man stuck with me through all my shenanigans. 451 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,040 He's a great guy. 452 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,680 And, you know, I'm not saying that it happened overnight 453 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,960 'cause, you know, it takes a lot of work. 454 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,360 It's not easy, especially the first year or two. 455 00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:53,800 Gradually you get comfortable in your own skin 456 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,720 and gradually you start relaxing 457 00:23:56,720 --> 00:24:01,160 and being able to enjoy life, simple things, you know. 458 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:05,320 And gradually you get to get friends 459 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,640 and you can laugh with these people 460 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,520 and you can start living, you know, having fun. 461 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,400 So I got sober when I was 53. 462 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,480 And, you know, I tell you that first year I said, 463 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:18,840 this is too hard. 464 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,480 I'm 53 years old. 465 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:21,640 I'm old. 466 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,680 My life is over. 467 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:28,200 Why should I go to all this trouble, you know, to get sober? 468 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,800 And now I'm 70. 469 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:34,400 And in 17 years, the people in my home group know 470 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:38,000 I get to travel all over the world. 471 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,240 I have done things I never thought I would do, you know. 472 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:43,840 I have petted a tiger. 473 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,200 I've ridden an elephant. 474 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,520 I've snorkeled the great barrier reef. 475 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:52,520 You know, I've been on a boat down the Mekong Delta. 476 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,880 You know, I've just done crazy stuff. 477 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,320 Gorgeous, lovely stuff. 478 00:24:58,320 --> 00:24:59,640 Met tons of people. 479 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:03,280 I've been to meetings, AE meetings all around the world. 480 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,640 And there's a lot of us. 481 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,120 And it's fun to meet each other 482 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:09,640 'cause you can go anywhere. 483 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,440 And when you walk into an AA room, you've got a friend, 484 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,120 you know, somebody who knows you, 485 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,200 somebody you can share your birthday with, you know. 486 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,760 I think doing the steps 487 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,520 and finally taking responsibility for my life, 488 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:28,520 not only the things that I did, but responsibility now. 489 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:33,320 Getting to know myself, making amends, 490 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,840 working to have good relationships 491 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:39,480 and just being a responsible person, 492 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:42,000 keeping commitment, trying to be of service, 493 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:46,440 and then delving into the steps and trying to get to know 494 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:52,080 what I'll just call this power source inside of you. 495 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:55,920 You know, that it's not only outside, it's inside. 496 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,480 And I'm connected to it. 497 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,240 And when I got sober, 498 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:04,240 the barriers between this thing inside me and me 499 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,200 started falling down and I got connected 500 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,000 to what I call God. 501 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,720 And it's, you know, I've always been searching. 502 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,680 I've always sought this and being sober 503 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:22,680 and working the AA program has allowed me to get in touch 504 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:27,880 and prosper from a connection to a higher power. 505 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:32,200 I see how my life has a purpose 506 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,880 and that if I try to align myself 507 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:37,920 to the principles of this program, 508 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,920 things tend to work out real well. 509 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:44,760 It's, you can use this program to get sober 510 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:48,080 and your life will get immeasurably better. 511 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,760 You can use this program and go deeper 512 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:55,360 and have a very fulfilling spiritual life. 513 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,440 And that, when I say fulfilling, 514 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:01,680 I mean to have that peace inside and that serenity 515 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:06,680 and a confidence that comes with being your real self. 516 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:10,520 So if you're new and you're in this room, 517 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,680 I just urge you to go for it. 518 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:16,080 It's not easy, but sure damn worth it, you know, 519 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:17,040 and you're worth it. 520 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,280 So thank you so much for giving me this gift 521 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,640 of letting me speak on my first day night. 522 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:26,000 And with that, I'd like to thank my sponsor. 523 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:30,240 I'd like to thank my home group, the program of AA 524 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,640 and my higher power who's been with me 525 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,400 every step of the way, thanks. 526 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,040 Hi, my name's Elizabeth and I'm an alcoholic. 527 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,160 - Hi, good to see you. 528 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,680 - And I wanna thank Karen for letting me take the cake, 529 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:43,320 Robin for bringing that cake 530 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,760 and I wanna thank my sponsor, Lori. 531 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:51,760 Lori lives in Arizona and we are very close 532 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:56,600 and keep connected, but she can't be here in person, 533 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,880 but we did share a cake tonight. 534 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,000 So that's great. 535 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:03,120 The life I have today, if it wasn't for Lori, 536 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,720 she is a remarkable woman. 537 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:10,720 And I truly believe that God has gifted her to me 538 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,720 for this period of time. 539 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,600 I value our relationship immensely. 540 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,760 And I just wanna thank you so very much 541 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:22,600 for all that you so freely give to me. 542 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,000 Thank you so much. 543 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,120 And again, I wanna thank this home group 544 00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:27,360 and everybody in here. 545 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:30,160 I love you and thanks for celebrating my birthday.