1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,920 (indistinct) 2 00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:03,320 - Yes, vanity. 3 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,360 My name is Ida, I am an alcoholic. 4 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:11,940 And first I thank God for being here sober with you tonight. 5 00:00:11,940 --> 00:00:16,000 I thank you, Karen, for asking me to come out and speak. 6 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,440 And I'm grateful to have had, to have a story, you know, 7 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,680 to share experience, strength, and hope. 8 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,880 It could have been so easily misery, depression, 9 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:28,320 and despair, and probably death 10 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,080 because of my alcoholism. 11 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,000 Thank you, Sean, for sharing. 12 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,200 Wow, that's kind of hard to follow. 13 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:39,200 And in 10 minutes too, man, it brought the whole thing. 14 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,680 But one of the things I was really glad to hear 15 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:45,440 was that you haven't gone back to jail since you got so. 16 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,200 You know, and that's amazing 17 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,640 when your history is full of it, you know? 18 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,720 And to have that relationship, 19 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:55,100 to be building that relationships back in your life again, 20 00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:58,120 that is so much hope in that, you know? 21 00:00:58,120 --> 00:00:59,120 So much. 22 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:02,080 And it took a lot of courage to do all those things. 23 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:03,200 So thank you. 24 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,340 That was experience, strength, and hope. 25 00:01:05,340 --> 00:01:10,240 And so my Jester basics, 26 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:13,480 my sponsor was up here a minute ago, but I'll see her now. 27 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,420 And I was glad to see her. 28 00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:18,360 And we're getting together and having lunch tomorrow. 29 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,800 And we hadn't kind of been together in a while 30 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,360 because, you know, all the different schedules. 31 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,240 And so I'm looking forward to it. 32 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,600 And we will be meeting in the valley. 33 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,580 And so I do sponsor women. 34 00:01:30,580 --> 00:01:32,400 I have a new sponsor now. 35 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,720 And well, honestly, I didn't want to sponsor her. 36 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:39,660 I was like, "God, this person is a mess." 37 00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:42,500 (all laughing) 38 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:44,520 And then I got humble real fast. 39 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,200 You were a mess too, right? 40 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,400 You were homeless too, right? 41 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,560 You did all these things too, right? 42 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,360 And so let's see what God can do. 43 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,320 'Cause you're not the one that's gonna really, 44 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,040 you're just gonna point out some things to the person 45 00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,480 and maybe read the book with her, 46 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,440 but it will actually be God working through her 47 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,520 and her life that will help her make the connections 48 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:06,680 to make a better life. 49 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:11,280 So I humble myself and with gratitude, I say, "Yes." 50 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,300 And three weeks later, I'm saying, 51 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:16,280 "God, I'm so grateful you put her in my life 52 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,700 because she's willing," you know? 53 00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:22,800 And I don't know when I'm gonna stop prejudging, you know? 54 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:23,840 But that's what I do. 55 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,640 And I'm just being honest here, and I'm grateful. 56 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:30,640 And our last thing was she got shingles 57 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:34,440 and I let her have the first couple of days 58 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,620 to not keep her from coming there. 59 00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:38,800 But about a week later, I told her, "You have to. 60 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,380 Shingles doesn't stop you from being a greeter on Zoom." 61 00:02:42,380 --> 00:02:45,040 You put a scarf around your neck to hide, you know? 62 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,440 And we just, we move on in life. 63 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,520 And she didn't wanna hear that, but she did. 64 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:53,240 And I'm really grateful for that because if she's like me, 65 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,880 the more I do follow suggestions, 66 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,400 the more I learn that it's okay. 67 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,680 And the more I see the point of it, 68 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,880 and the more I see the growth, you know? 69 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:06,100 But anyway, like I said, I am grateful for this person 70 00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:09,880 and a new opportunity to go through the book with someone. 71 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,060 And so I have a group of women that I'm sponsoring. 72 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,040 And I sponsor less right now. 73 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,200 My sponsor died about six months ago. 74 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,920 And I have not been able to surrender 75 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,820 or try to get another one. 76 00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:27,280 And I'm just thinking, well, we were together 27 years, 77 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,040 and it's sort of hard, you know? 78 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,400 It really is. 79 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:33,780 But I kind of, on the peripheral, I say, when it's right, 80 00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:36,080 I know somebody will be there, you know? 81 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,160 And I'm gonna ask, and I'm gonna develop 82 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,280 another relationship with a person. 83 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,400 I believe in unity, service, and recovery. 84 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,840 You know, I do constantly make amends. 85 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,200 I start my mornings with prayer, meditation, 86 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,600 and I love service. 87 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,840 I am the Zoom setup person for our Inglewood, 88 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,500 Monday night Inglewood meeting. 89 00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:58,420 And so we have different equipment, 90 00:03:58,420 --> 00:04:00,220 but I set up the equipment. 91 00:04:00,220 --> 00:04:01,760 And I'm blessed to have had it 92 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,360 because I had taught school for many, many years. 93 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,720 And I already had the projector 94 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,160 and the laptop and everything. 95 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,480 So we are, I will be glad to give Karen 96 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,880 a link to the meeting 'cause we are hybrid. 97 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,200 If you wanna come, fine. 98 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,240 And I'm also extending to you an invitation. 99 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:24,240 Our 81st anniversary will be in June, I think June 19th. 100 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:28,080 So it's one of the oldest meetings in the city of LA. 101 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,000 And I have a little historical document. 102 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:36,000 And at that time, I mean, it was like three mimeograph pages 103 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,960 of meetings in LA in 1940, right? 104 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,120 And I'm just, wow, you know, 105 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,160 we could see how we grew from this. 106 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:47,800 Three pages mimeograph for the entire city of LA. 107 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,520 And from that, we have grown to hundreds of meetings 108 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,400 all over the city, you know. 109 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:56,520 When God works something, God really works it, you know. 110 00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:01,520 My sobriety started at Claire Detox Center in 1990. 111 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,680 And I walked in and I was a very, 112 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,040 I had been around some, 113 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:09,880 my drinking had gotten extremely desperate, you know. 114 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:13,000 And I walked in, I had two black eyes 115 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,100 and a battered and bruised body 116 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,880 and a big ol', my lips were swollen out to here 117 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:21,160 with a hole in it because somebody had hit me in the face 118 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,520 with a plank and had a nail 119 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,960 and it poked a hole right into my lip. 120 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,960 And I just thought I needed a place to go sit 121 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,840 and chill and get my lips back. 122 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,640 (all laughing) 123 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,000 Because I couldn't, you know, I couldn't run no games. 124 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,080 You know, I felt like my livelihood depended on my looks 125 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,320 'cause I had a sugar daddy at the time 126 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,920 that was paying the rent and he might get tired of me, 127 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:44,760 you know. 128 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,160 And, but that was really an up, 129 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,600 my life was actually getting better 'cause I met him 130 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:55,320 'cause I was sitting on a bus stop near his business 131 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,120 at Pico and Western Avenue. 132 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,360 And I had been homeless drunk for about three years, 133 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,600 three and a half years. 134 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:05,560 Sometimes, one time I did, I try to remember exactly 135 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:09,040 how did I survive without an address for three years, 136 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,000 you know, at a bus stop. 137 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,800 You know, whose couches did I sleep on? 138 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,280 What abandoned buildings did I sleep in? 139 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:19,920 You know, or in that time that I was down on Skid Row. 140 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,160 And it's a big blur now, 141 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:26,160 but I do remember taking the time to write it all down 142 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:28,620 so I know where I've been, you know. 143 00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:31,100 So I know what God brought me through, right. 144 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,400 And it didn't even start that way. 145 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,600 And so by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, 146 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,440 I was hanging out with some really rough trade 147 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,880 and my life wasn't supposed to have been that way. 148 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:48,840 I started drinking in college and it was fun, you know, 149 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:49,960 and I loved it. 150 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,080 I loved it because it took away the extreme shyness 151 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,600 that I went to college with. 152 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:55,640 You know, I was so shy. 153 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,600 My best friend in high school was the school librarian 154 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,600 because I was afraid to go out on the yard 155 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,600 and be with other kids, you know. 156 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,720 And I just, I never quite felt like I belong. 157 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,620 So in Claire Detox Center, when people came 158 00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:11,720 and they shared their stories, 159 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,360 they also talked about feeling on the outside of things 160 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,360 and feeling like they didn't belong. 161 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,920 And I began to realize that maybe it's not just 162 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:23,000 circumstantial why you don't feel like this. 163 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:24,520 Maybe there are, you know, 164 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,360 and eventually I learned that it's the spirituality 165 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,780 that I have that causes this feeling of not belonging. 166 00:07:30,780 --> 00:07:31,620 But I didn't. 167 00:07:31,620 --> 00:07:34,960 It was enough that people like Sean and other people 168 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,480 got up and told their honest truth, you know. 169 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,640 And I come from Nashville, Tennessee, 170 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,840 and that explains a Southern accent. 171 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,760 I'm also Black in Korea, 172 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,880 and that explains a Southern Black accent. 173 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:50,320 And it was enough that I knew 174 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,000 that other people felt the same way, you know, 175 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,540 but I began to realize that maybe there's something else 176 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:57,360 at work here that's keeping me 177 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,800 from feeling comfortable in there. 178 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,160 And the stories and the sharing, 179 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,520 that was the first attraction I had. 180 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,600 I didn't want to be a part of you guys, 181 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,680 and I certainly never wanted to be upfront telling my story, 182 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,560 but I heard you telling yours. 183 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,240 And it was the first time in my life 184 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:18,840 that I ever heard people speak in such an honest, direct way. 185 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:22,080 And it was the first time that I could actually laugh 186 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,160 at some of the conditions of our drinking, you know, 187 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,020 and that really spoke to me. 188 00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:28,960 I didn't feel like I belonged, 189 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,200 and I felt like I was justified in my feelings, you know, 190 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:35,000 and I'm a Korean War baby. 191 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:39,440 I was conceived during the Korean War, 192 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,600 and my father was a married man 193 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:45,880 that had an affair with my mother, and I was born there. 194 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:49,240 And my father tried to stay in the thing, 195 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:52,120 but he eventually got stationed back to the US. 196 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,480 And my mother was raising me in this village 197 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,000 that refused to accept mixed children. 198 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,640 They called me a kandumi, 199 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,240 which is word meaning for "darkie," 200 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,880 and they just didn't know Korea had been the hermit kingdom, 201 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,560 had not really been exposed to the world. 202 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,320 And they didn't know what to make of mixed children. 203 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,240 You know, when you have a culture based on ancestor worship, 204 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,560 you want to know who your ancestors are, right? 205 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,660 And foreigners just didn't fit that bill. 206 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,880 So I was on the outside, 207 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,680 and I remember kids not playing with me 208 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,680 and parents snatching up their kids. 209 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:30,800 So I, you know, I grew up kind of -- I got used to being alone, really, 210 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,320 and I still have that tendency today. 211 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,120 I feel very comfortable by myself. 212 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:36,280 It's other people. 213 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:40,320 It's you guys that make me feel uncomfortable, right? 214 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,880 Anyway, when I was 8 years old, a big change happened. 215 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,760 It seemed so unexpectedly. 216 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,960 I was picked up, put in an orphanage, 217 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,160 and a couple of weeks later, I'm on a plane, 218 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:53,480 and I'm sent to my black father in the US. 219 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,200 You know, he had been working for years to arrange for adoption, 220 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,440 and I grew up, and I came to the segregated South, 221 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,320 and I had to learn my English there, 222 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,860 and that's where the Southern Black accent came from. 223 00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:07,900 So I lived in one society that called me kungunni, 224 00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,640 but when I come to the South, 225 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,440 they're telling me I don't belong either. 226 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,900 You know, you got to go to the right bathroom color, 227 00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:16,780 drink from the right water fountain. 228 00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:19,760 You know, avoid the ones that say whites only. 229 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,080 And then when I'm at school, 230 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,480 they're calling me a Jap or a chicken too, right? 231 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,120 'Cause it's all black kids. It's segregated. 232 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:30,920 So I never quite felt comfortable with who I was, 233 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:34,800 and I got all these reinforcing lessons from society. 234 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:38,920 But what I did have was a pretty decent home. 235 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,880 My parents were churchgoing, hardworking people, 236 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:44,160 and they tried to instill the values, 237 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,080 and they told me I was going to college, 238 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,640 and make sure you do your homework, 239 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,840 and it was just like a chant in my head. 240 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,560 I didn't think you had a choice, really. 241 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:54,760 I thought everybody went to college, and I did. 242 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,900 But I wasn't exposed to alcohol, 243 00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:59,600 and there wasn't too many drinkers in our family. 244 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,800 And but in college, I couldn't wait to dry drink. 245 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,800 I couldn't wait to smoke a weed. 246 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,180 I couldn't wait to have sex. 247 00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:07,900 I couldn't wait to go to a party. 248 00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,240 'Cause I had been denied that. 249 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:13,120 I could only go to church or school activities 250 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,600 while I was growing up. 251 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,000 And I proceeded to do all of those things 252 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,900 my first year in college, and I felt like, 253 00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:20,280 wow, I've arrived. 254 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,440 I am living life now, right? 255 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,680 I'm a part of it. 256 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,560 And I loved the way alcohol made me feel. 257 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:29,840 Oh my God, it was just miraculous. 258 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,520 I didn't know something existed 259 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,400 that would take away this feel, the tongue-tiedness, 260 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,800 that would take away the extreme shyness, 261 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,420 that would make me feel like I could get up and dance, 262 00:11:40,420 --> 00:11:41,260 you know? 263 00:11:41,260 --> 00:11:43,040 And but from the beginning, 264 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:47,440 so one thing about exposure to alcoholics anonymous, 265 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,320 I began to learn about my disease. 266 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:54,280 And I began to learn that's the reason I drank too much 267 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,040 from the very beginning. 268 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,360 It just didn't take a whole lot at first. 269 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,360 But I always drank too much. 270 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,480 You know, my first couple of year, you know, 271 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,400 I got started being taken home drunk really early, 272 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,400 like my first year of college, right? 273 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,220 I didn't know I had enough. 274 00:12:11,220 --> 00:12:13,600 Other people seem to have drank 275 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,520 and they knew when they had enough and just stopped, right? 276 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:18,660 Oh, I've been here a little tipsy. 277 00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:22,640 And then they leave the rest of the glass on the table, 278 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,800 still amazed to this day that people can do that. 279 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,840 You know, when I go out with my friends that drink, 280 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,240 I'm like, I watched them. 281 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,040 I'm like, no, they didn't finish. 282 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,280 They didn't order a second drink. 283 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,400 That's from the very beginning, whatever they had 284 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,760 that told them they had too much, it was missing. 285 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,880 I only knew I had too much and it was already too late. 286 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,720 I'm already falling down drunk. 287 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,320 I'm already throwing up. 288 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,360 I'm already waking up next to someone 289 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,440 and I sure how they got there, right? 290 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,120 So when they told me about the allergy of the body, 291 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,040 I could understand, I said, oh, my body is different 292 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,880 from my fellows, it's different. 293 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:02,880 So being in detox and hearing, going to AA meetings, 294 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:07,120 I began to understand some of my disease, right? 295 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,400 And then they talked about the solution, 296 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,440 which was to get in touch with the God 297 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,120 of your understanding. 298 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,880 Now, what had happened was, well, my sugar daddy set me up 299 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,120 in this apartment up on Hollywood and Franklin, 300 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,480 La Brea around La Brea and Franklin, 301 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:26,600 thought I had a chance to get it together again, you know? 302 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,280 I did finally graduate from college. 303 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,520 It took about eight years 'cause I was really having fun, 304 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,520 you know, and it was the '70s, you know? 305 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:38,600 I honestly got drugs reprieve 306 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:43,200 'cause everybody was just shaking and stuff, you know? 307 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,720 And I was, but I remember stopping all of that 308 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,840 and just staying with alcohol 309 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,680 because I did wanna go to graduate school 310 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:54,680 and at one time I had even wanted to be a doctor. 311 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,240 At one time I had even had a summer scholarship 312 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,120 to go to Harvard University 313 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,080 and I really thought I was gonna be on my way 314 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,760 and I did not want a police record, 315 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,040 but alcohol was legal, you know? 316 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,160 And so I continued to drink, 317 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,080 but I did stop doing a lot of things. 318 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,240 What happened is in my senior year, my Aunt Ida died. 319 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,000 I came home and I didn't make graduation. 320 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,080 And then the next year, before I could graduate 321 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,240 and before my father, who had invested a lot in me, 322 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:24,440 could see me, he died. 323 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,840 And then the following year and then about two years later, 324 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,280 my stepmother died. 325 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,880 So for all these, for those years, 326 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:35,000 I was just surrounded by death, illness, hospitalizations, 327 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,000 convalescent homes and funerals and burials. 328 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,800 I just started drinking, stopped being binge party drinking. 329 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,080 It became a daily drink. 330 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,120 I didn't know, 331 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,440 I didn't wanna deal with the grief that I felt. 332 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,280 I didn't wanna deal with the sense of loss and abandonment. 333 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:52,400 And I started, 334 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,320 that's when I began to really need alcohol 335 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,720 and I began to drink every day. 336 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,680 And I continued, I got a good job. 337 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,920 I was promoted, I became project director. 338 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,200 I went through a quick marriage and none of it seemed to work 339 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:11,200 and I ended up eventually moving to Los Angeles. 340 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,080 In LA, I ran into cocaine 341 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,200 and I added that to my alcoholism. 342 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,400 And I was always trying to get that right. 343 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,360 If I feel too drunk, let me do a little bit of this. 344 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,400 And if I do too much of that, 345 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,360 my skin started feeling like it was crawling 346 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,360 and I had to drink. 347 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,880 And something inside of me had also died. 348 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,760 I started feeling this hopelessness 349 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,880 that you guys talk about. 350 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,680 Again, that grief was still there within me. 351 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,880 And within 92 years, I was homeless. 352 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:44,320 My aunt had kicked me out of the apartment she was giving me 353 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:47,360 letting me rent from her. 354 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,200 I had run out of friends who let me stay on their couch. 355 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,480 And it just seemed easier just to sit at the bus stop 356 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,520 with the winos. 357 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,200 They didn't bother to ask you why you drink so much. 358 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,920 I don't know how many of us got that question 359 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,200 from my family and friends. 360 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,360 Why you drink so much? 361 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,480 Why don't you stop? 362 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,800 And it just seemed easier to sit there 363 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,960 and just finally stop trying to control 364 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,680 and enjoy my drinking. 365 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:11,920 You know, that's the thing. 366 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,160 To be stuck with a habit 367 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,240 and all the joy has gone out of it too. 368 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,000 You can never get back the fun that you used to have 369 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,920 when you were drinking, right? 370 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,920 And so I just sat there in despair. 371 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,760 I thought I had dug a hole too deep. 372 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,960 And before I ended up in rehab, 373 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,960 I felt that moment of desperation. 374 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,840 And I had been raised in church 375 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,520 and I just started crying and saying, 376 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,520 "God, please help me. Please help me." 377 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,360 And that was the night when I had plenty. 378 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,520 I had plenty of drink, plenty of drugs. 379 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:40,840 I could do it all by myself. 380 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,120 I didn't have to go sleep with nobody. 381 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,400 I didn't have to go pay no money. 382 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,640 I didn't have nothing to pay. 383 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:45,840 It was a whole year, right? 384 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:46,840 I should have been happy. 385 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,120 But I started crying 386 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:51,000 'cause I just saw my life as an endless series. 387 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,200 And I didn't feel nothing inside of me that said, 388 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,680 "Get up and try again to build a decent life." 389 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,160 You know, and it just didn't seem fair, you know? 390 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,000 All I wanted, I had been a project director. 391 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,400 I had my degree from a top university. 392 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,400 All I wanted was to be, I was ambitious. 393 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,080 I was wanting to work hard. 394 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,760 And I couldn't understand why couldn't I have a life 395 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,240 while I'm working hard, being successful, 396 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,600 go to happy hour with coworkers 397 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:21,000 and do some recreational drugs on weekends 398 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,840 and get back on the treadmill on Monday. 399 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:28,240 And that demoralization that my life 400 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,480 would just be an endless series of drugs. 401 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,560 And I started and I said, "God, please help me." 402 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,360 So when I got in AA, you guys told me the solution 403 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,240 was to find the God of your understanding, 404 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,960 turn to a higher power. 405 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,440 I was like, "Well, I asked God to help me." 406 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,680 And two weeks later, I got really beat up bad. 407 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:48,480 So really God just sent people to kick my ass. 408 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,280 And I didn't want to turn to this God. 409 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,520 I just saw this God as a reflection of the vengeful hell, 410 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,480 I'll send you to hell God, right? 411 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,160 But you did keep saying your understanding. 412 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,760 And somewhere down on me, I don't have to believe that God. 413 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,680 And I started getting some willingness 414 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,000 'cause later on, I started connecting the God. 415 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,040 I went into six month programs 416 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,000 from there called the Royal Ponds. 417 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,840 And I could have gone back to the apartment. 418 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:20,080 My sugar daddy was still paying rent, 419 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,240 but I didn't go back because I was scared 420 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,160 those guys will come back and beat me up some more. 421 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,840 And later it dawned on me, God knew exactly what I needed. 422 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,480 And this little scar here, 423 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,920 and this little scar here is a very small price to pay 424 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,600 'cause my roommate overdosed and died. 425 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:38,240 And that was my first lesson 426 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,600 in terms of giving me the willingness 427 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,320 to begin to seek the solution. 428 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:44,600 It was right there. 429 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,600 She died, she overdosed and she died. 430 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,640 And I look in the mirror and I could say, 431 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,360 "Well, that's not a..." 432 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:54,080 And over the years, we've heard about a lot of people dying, 433 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,320 suicide, accidents, whatever. 434 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,520 This is a very small price to pay. 435 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,080 God knew exactly what I needed. 436 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:01,960 He knew I needed this fear 437 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,840 'cause I would have gone back to that apartment 438 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,400 and then I would have done the same thing 439 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,880 I had been always doing. 440 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:10,120 It says that we have the inability to recall 441 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,920 with sufficient force all the shame, the humiliation, 442 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,800 the degradation of our last drunken episode. 443 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,240 I got in a car, ended up on a deserted road 444 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,320 in Pacific town, came to... 445 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,480 I must've been in a blackout, but I came too 446 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,120 and I was in a car with three men 447 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,160 that were pulling into a dark side road 448 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,040 in Pacific College State. 449 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,720 And warning bells went off. 450 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,520 I jumped out of the car and started running, right? 451 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,000 But a couple of weeks later, 452 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,920 I'm unable to recall with sufficient force 453 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,960 all the terror I felt that night. 454 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,360 I'm hiding in the bushes, scared they're gonna find me, 455 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:47,560 scared they're gonna rape me and do worse, right? 456 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,520 But I'm unable to recall. 457 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,920 So we repeat these things, going to jail over and over again, 458 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:53,880 jumping in the car. 459 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,920 In my case, I was just willing to go with anybody 460 00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:01,080 that had party goods and offered me a party 461 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,760 and offered me a drink, you know? 462 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,200 I'm in the car again. 463 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,360 And this time the guy pulls a gun on me. 464 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,920 And I remember in that moment, I told him to kill me 465 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,960 because I didn't wanna live anymore. 466 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,920 I remember thinking, "If this is my life 467 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,680 and this is what it's come to," 468 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,520 after having all the high ambitions I used to have, 469 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,440 I don't wanna live no more. 470 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,920 So I turned around and said, "Guys, he just killed me. 471 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:23,760 He killed me." 472 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,480 And I really meant it. 473 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,320 He called me a crazy bee. 474 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,400 And I jumped ahead and kicked me out of the car. 475 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,160 I was unable to recall with sufficient force 476 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,560 all the humiliation and danger that I had put myself in. 477 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,560 So I understand, and many of us, 478 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,160 we know the hell that we've been through. 479 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,960 We know we could have died at any moment. 480 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,360 We know we could have been anon. 481 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,480 So in recovery, I learned gratitude. 482 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,600 So I went there and things started. 483 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,520 I went into the six-month program at the Royal Ponds. 484 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,560 I gave up the apartment and I started learning more and more 485 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,400 about the disease of alcoholism, you know? 486 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,840 I did get a sponsor and I learned to be in unity 487 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,240 and go to meetings, but I had that program part 488 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,920 that made you go anyway. 489 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,320 I couldn't wait to finish it, you know? 490 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,440 But someone, it was Ty. 491 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,600 He's like a 50-year veteran of AA and he nominated 492 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:19,960 me to be secretary. 493 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:24,960 I relapsed at six months 'cause I was just supposed to go 494 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,040 get my looks back, you know? 495 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,800 And I hadn't planned on the sober lifestyle, 496 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,000 but something really scared me when I was out there 497 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,280 back again and I said, "Oh God, I can't go through this." 498 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,240 I had learned, I had lived for six months 499 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:39,960 where I haven't delighted people. 500 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,840 And that was one of the things that really got to me 501 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,480 for some reason, when somebody in AA called and said, 502 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:45,720 "What have you been doing?" 503 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,520 And I didn't want to tell them I had been drinking 504 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,840 or doing drugs, but I hated the fact I had to start lying. 505 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,880 So I went back to this meeting a couple of weeks later. 506 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,240 I didn't call, I didn't explain my absence, 507 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,240 and I stood up as a newcomer and I resigned 508 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:00,920 and I was happy to resign. 509 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,600 I said, "At least I don't have to be secretary 510 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,280 of that stupid meeting no more." 511 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,160 (laughing) 512 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:10,040 And Ty, for group conscience, to remove the six-month 513 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,120 requirement, it saved my life. 514 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:18,160 It was construction industry, I had that paycheck 515 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,920 every week, every Friday, I had money. 516 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:25,280 And it would talk to you, day to day, money in your pocket. 517 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,560 And I just held on to going to that meeting 518 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:28,880 with everything I had. 519 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:33,440 And I started accumulating time until one day I woke up 520 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,680 and I didn't have that craving anymore. 521 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,480 I was working with my sponsor, we got up to step three, 522 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:40,920 and then step four. 523 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:44,600 So by this time I had learned enough of honesty, 524 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,720 I learned to take a real good look at my alcoholism, 525 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,160 the two parts of step one, 526 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:56,720 losing the ability to control the drinking 527 00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,280 and how your life becomes unmanageable because of it. 528 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,920 So you have to have both to be an alcoholic. 529 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,560 'Cause there are a lot of people who don't drink 530 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,440 and their life is still unmanageable. 531 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,480 And there are people who drink, but their life is manageable. 532 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,080 So to be a real alcoholic, you gotta have both. 533 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,600 And I learned that honesty here. 534 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,960 And I learned it by listening to you talk 535 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,320 and you shamelessly letting us know some of the things 536 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,280 that you did to help me with the shame that I felt. 537 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,040 I felt so dirty as a woman when I came in, 538 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,840 I had slept around all over the place, 539 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:33,120 I had charged money for sex, I had all kinds of things. 540 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:38,120 And I remember these women picking me up from rehab 541 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,200 and taking me to meetings 542 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,080 and they would take me for coffee and dinner. 543 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,040 I remember thinking if they knew some of the things 544 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,800 that I had done, why are they being so next to me? 545 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,600 If they knew what I've done, 546 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,640 they wouldn't wanna be with me, right? 547 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,560 They wouldn't wanna hang out with me. 548 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:54,920 And what I didn't know at that time, 549 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,200 they knew exactly what I had done. 550 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,360 They knew exactly what brought me to this meeting 551 00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:01,720 and to this role. 552 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,560 And they were loving me anyway. 553 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,400 And so when they say things like, 554 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,920 we will love you until you learn to love yourself, 555 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:09,920 that's what that means. 556 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,120 It means taking that newcomer out 557 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,680 and showing them they're still worthy of love 558 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,080 and attention 'cause that had been missing 559 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,560 so long from my life. 560 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,400 Anyway, let me, oh wow. 561 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,000 I learned about service and taking that commitment. 562 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,360 So that small meeting became bigger meeting 563 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:28,960 and it really began to grow. 564 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:32,720 And I began to like being in that meeting. 565 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:35,600 And that service commitment kept me sober. 566 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,720 And so I added another part of it. 567 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:41,400 I'm in unity now, going to meetings, now that is service. 568 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,920 But I balked at the bottom part, recovery, 569 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,400 which is based on the 12 steps, but it's foundational. 570 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:52,000 It's the base of our triangle and I didn't wanna do it. 571 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,200 And the principle for step four is courage. 572 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:56,920 I am an emotional coward. 573 00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:58,680 If I think it's gonna hurt my feelings, 574 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,440 I am going to avoid it as much as I can. 575 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,800 But that's just the truth of my life, right? 576 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,640 I've been my whole life, you know, I didn't wanna do it, 577 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,680 but I was miserable and sober. 578 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:09,680 And I finally heard it. 579 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:11,920 If you wanna be happy, joyous, and free, 580 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,200 you gotta take the step, finally heard it. 581 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,640 And I called my sponsor and begged her. 582 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,680 'Cause I said, well, it is miserable and drunk 583 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,400 or miserable and sober, 584 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,920 but they say I could be happy, joyous, and free. 585 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:27,160 I said, I don't have all of that, just let me be okay, God. 586 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,600 And I called her and I begged her. 587 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,360 And it was just as bad as I thought. 588 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:35,480 'Cause I had to uncover some really hurtful, 589 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,440 painful things in my life. 590 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,600 And one of them was the fact that my mother 591 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:42,400 had stopped writing to me about a year or two 592 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:44,080 after I got to the US. 593 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:47,480 And something had happened when we were separated 594 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,720 that it made me think that she didn't want me 595 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,000 or love me anymore. 596 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,760 And that was so painful. 597 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,880 And all the nights that I spent crying for her 598 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,640 and all the, I didn't wanna look at it, 599 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,280 but because of the steps, 600 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,600 I learned to begin to take responsibility 601 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,440 because of that devastating fourth column 602 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,880 was your part of it. 603 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:13,560 And a lot of things happened to us as children. 604 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,760 You're not responsible for that happening. 605 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,840 But what I learned was that I'm responsible 606 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:22,960 for my healing though, from those tragedies of my life. 607 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:27,200 And one part of me was like, okay, you don't really know 608 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:28,480 why you didn't go. 609 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,040 So you're gonna go back to Korea 610 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:31,440 and you're gonna look for your mother. 611 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,800 And that was something I was so scared to do. 612 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,240 I was so afraid that she wouldn't want me, 613 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,920 that she wouldn't love me, that she, you know, 614 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:43,520 but I did and God is, the intervention of God 615 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,240 along your life's path is so amazing. 616 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:49,720 I didn't know any Koreas I couldn't read, write or speak it. 617 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:53,240 But in my H and I meeting, there was a Korean pastor 618 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,920 on the board, I took the number and you guys had told me 619 00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:58,720 to learn to make those phone calls. 620 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,960 And with my heart pounding, did I call that pastor? 621 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,520 'Cause you had taught me some measure of courage 622 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,480 to pick that phone up and call when I needed to. 623 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,920 It had saved my life because I got turned down 624 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,200 for immigration for US citizenship 625 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,080 by Department of Immigration 626 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,440 because they found the old record, 627 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,040 some fingerprints why they're arrested for prostitution 628 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:21,960 in New York City. 629 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,480 Like I didn't have anything on my record, 630 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,360 not even a parking ticket. 631 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,400 And that charge had been dismissed, 632 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,480 but she told me I didn't have sufficient moral character 633 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,720 to be a good citizen of the United States 634 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,560 'cause I had been lying to them. 635 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:37,920 Now I'm four years sober and I'm working hard 636 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,040 to clean up my life and that really hurt. 637 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,240 It also hit that rejection button. 638 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,480 I felt rejected by Korea. 639 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,520 I felt rejected by my mother. 640 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:50,840 And now here's the US telling me I'm rejected here too, right? 641 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,240 So where do I go? 642 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:53,480 Where do I belong? 643 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:57,280 And, but I had already, and I, in that period, 644 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,480 about two months in New York City, 645 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:01,640 I had already told my sponsor about it 646 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,480 'cause I was telling her about, 647 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:04,480 I was trying to get her ready 648 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,440 for the rest of my step by basically. 649 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:07,680 (laughing) 650 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:11,280 I dropped a little bit and see what she did. 651 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:12,720 She was committed. 652 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,640 So I was getting ready to do all of my step by with her, 653 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:19,000 but I had told her about what had happened in New York City. 654 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,960 And because of that, I was able to pick that phone up 655 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,960 and follow her instead of going to get drunk 656 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,520 like I had planned to do. 657 00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:28,960 'Cause when there was an emotional pain 658 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,400 and the only thing I knew to do with that pain 659 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,840 was to drink it away or drug it away. 660 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:34,800 That was just the way, 661 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,280 that was the way I had always solved problems. 662 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:41,360 I hadn't learned, but you guys have helped me. 663 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,680 We pick up the phone and we talk about it 664 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,000 and we go through our steps 665 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,200 and we look at that devastating for a con. 666 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:48,400 What's your part of it? 667 00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:51,360 What are you doing to heal yourself from this? 668 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:54,040 What are you doing to learn how not to be shy? 669 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:55,160 Are you speaking up? 670 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:56,360 You made me be a greeter. 671 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,440 You made me learn to talk in meetings 672 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:01,880 and all these things that helped me to grow and develop. 673 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:05,600 And so I did, and I was able to continue on. 674 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,880 I made a decision, I'm gonna finish all of my steps. 675 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,200 And then I'm going back to Korea 676 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,920 and I was able to get a job and stop work. 677 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:17,280 And I turned down a promotion with the construction company. 678 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,280 We were building the subway system 679 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:22,760 and I had starting to learn to live by my truth. 680 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:25,920 And instead of lying and taking the promotion, 681 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:27,480 'cause it was still about six months to go 682 00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:30,800 before I would actually go, I learned to step up. 683 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,480 'Cause the devastating part of what she told me 684 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:37,000 is I felt like it may have been the truth 685 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,040 that I didn't have good moral character. 686 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,160 Well, step five is integrity. 687 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:43,880 That's when we start learning this. 688 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:46,640 That's when I started learning to look another human being 689 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:50,400 in the eyes and tell them what I did wrong, right? 690 00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:51,800 My character defects. 691 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:54,560 I started learning worse, the integrity. 692 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,480 And then the rest of the steps starts building that. 693 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:00,000 I started being able to say I was wrong 694 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,080 and what can I do to make it right? 695 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:03,880 How can I make amends to you? 696 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:05,040 Will you forgive me? 697 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,480 I started learning to say I don't know. 698 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:09,440 Will you teach me how? 699 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,240 I started learning to say I need help. 700 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:13,440 Will you help me? 701 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:16,280 I started learning to say, let me help you. 702 00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:18,760 Let me, you know, it was just like all these things 703 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:20,800 started building my character up. 704 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:24,120 And so I, anyway, I went back to Korea 705 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:27,680 and I wish I could tell you I found my mother, but I didn't. 706 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:32,680 But by this time I knew I needed service recovery and unity. 707 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:35,520 And so I found the English speaking AA meeting 708 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,480 and the first reasonable lady, 709 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:39,520 I asked her to be my sponsor. 710 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,200 I took a commitment. 711 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:42,720 You know, I did all the three things 712 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,080 that I have been taught to do now, you know, 713 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:48,240 and I spent time looking for my mother. 714 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,000 I was on TV, I had newspaper articles. 715 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,400 I even had a private police detective. 716 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,240 Help came from everywhere. 717 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:59,440 I was on national TV, nothing, not trace of my mother. 718 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,240 I knew the village I was living in. 719 00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,120 I saw my childhood village. 720 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:06,640 I saw my childhood school, couldn't find my mother. 721 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:10,360 And after a whole year, I just cried on the mountain side. 722 00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:12,840 And I said, God, you know, this, I want this more than 723 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:16,320 anything else in the world, you know, and I just let it go. 724 00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:19,600 I found my, but I did find a school where it was called 725 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:22,160 the Sumlin Mixed Blood Children's Institute 726 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:24,480 and I couldn't go to that school. 727 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,800 You know, I found all these other memories that came back 728 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:29,160 and realized my mother did, 729 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,640 the best of her love was to let me go. 730 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:33,600 And then she probably did die. 731 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,880 I found letters where she came to the office begging them, 732 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:38,400 please let me see her. 733 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:41,600 And then she took half and five, just like what I found out 734 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:45,440 was that I don't have to have what I want in order to get 735 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:47,400 what I, you know, to be happy. 736 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:50,040 'Cause I found myself on that mountain side overlooking 737 00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:52,440 my childhood village saying, God, please, 738 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:55,760 I thank you for the eight years I had with my mom. 739 00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:57,200 'Cause sometimes it's all we get. 740 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,280 And I learned about acceptance for peace, you know, 741 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:04,240 I learned and I learned that I cannot change the past. 742 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:07,600 For those of us that have painful and traumatic experiences, 743 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,840 but in working the steps and seeking my truth 744 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:14,120 and my healing, I can have a different relationship 745 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:14,960 with my family. 746 00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:19,280 And that God can give you a whole new set of experience 747 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:22,480 to counterbalance the tragedy. 748 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:26,520 Because I was sober and had learned how to begin to deal 749 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,520 with life, I was able to come back to a country 750 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:34,280 that refused to educate me and carry out some redemption 751 00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:36,360 from my mother's sacrifice, you know. 752 00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:38,800 So that meant a lot to me spiritually. 753 00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:40,600 I also learned stop lying. 754 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,520 I told those people I had a prostitution charge 755 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,240 and shoplifting charges. 756 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,200 They let me work as a teacher anyway. 757 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,760 And I've been doing that as a career for 20 years. 758 00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:52,640 I learned to be truthful and be honest 759 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:55,840 and learn how to use my truth to help other people 760 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,520 and just what we say, walk in my own brand of dignity. 761 00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:01,760 So thank you, Alcoholics and Omens.