1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,400
 - Oh, you moved over there, okay.

2
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,280
 Karen, thank you for reaching out to me,

3
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:07,200
 including me as part of the meeting.

4
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,440
 Of course I'm like, "Who gave you my number?"

5
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,060
 But it's all good.

6
00:00:12,060 --> 00:00:12,900
 You know what?

7
00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:16,440
 I'm one of those alcoholics that like to suffer in silence.

8
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:21,440
 So this is kind of good for me to be out and sharing.

9
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:26,260
 And I've got some friends here that I love

10
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:28,920
 and that put up with me.

11
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:33,080
 But I always say we're only as good as the company we keep.

12
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,120
 So I'm really grateful.

13
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:37,200
 And thank you for your share.

14
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:40,080
 I really related to you a lot.

15
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:44,960
 And I love sober mom stories and I'm always moved by that.

16
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,800
 And welcome to anybody that's new to the meeting

17
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,000
 and new on Zoom.

18
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,440
 I don't really need to turn around, huh?

19
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,560
 This is, I'm kind of getting used to this hybrid thing.

20
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,720
 Anyway, welcome to anybody that's new

21
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,080
 or coming back to us.

22
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:03,760
 And it's not always easy, this sobriety thing,

23
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:05,640
 but we get to do it together.

24
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:10,480
 And I kind of want to start off and just clarify

25
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:15,480
 that contrary to popular belief, I'm not bossy.

26
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,900
 And I'll tell you why,

27
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:20,360
 because I was at a meeting last night

28
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,360
 and I was with a friend of mine

29
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:24,820
 who'd never been to the meeting.

30
00:01:24,820 --> 00:01:29,820
 And so during the break and I saw some people

31
00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:33,520
 I hadn't seen in a while and it's an old timer there

32
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,640
 that went and said hi to her.

33
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:38,480
 And then I introduced the old timer to my friend

34
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:43,000
 and she was really nice to my friend as she owns this.

35
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,960
 And then she tells me, she's like,

36
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,480
 "Oh, are you new to the meeting?"

37
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,040
 And my friend's like, "Yes."

38
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,640
 And then she turns around to me and says,

39
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,400
 "Take her to the literature table."

40
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,700
 And no please or anything like that.

41
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:55,760
 Just take her over there.

42
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:56,600
 - Okay.

43
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,760
 - You know, and I'm only bossy

44
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,320
 because you old timers made me that place.

45
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,080
 So she's just telling me what to do

46
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:05,600
 with this new friend of ours.

47
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:09,920
 And so, and that's sort of how I've been brought up here.

48
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:14,320
 And you know, I'm just sitting here passing it along

49
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:18,120
 and it just, it made me, I laughed.

50
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,800
 And I was telling my friend, I go, you see, I'm not,

51
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,000
 I'm not bossy, they made me this way.

52
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,680
 You see how she just bossed me around

53
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,240
 and told me to take you to the table?

54
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,520
 Well, this is how it is.

55
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:29,920
 This is how it is around here.

56
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,560
 So, you know, we got a good laugh out of that.

57
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,160
 My sobriety date is January 2nd, 1996.

58
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,460
 And my home group is the Saturday morning.

59
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:42,560
 Saturday, we've actually never had a name to that meeting.

60
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,560
 Saturday morning, women's two met, right?

61
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,360
 It's at 1030 on Saturdays, 1030 AM.

62
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,800
 And I've been going to that meeting for a really long time.

63
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,680
 And I love that meeting because it was one

64
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,920
 of the few meetings in the Valley at that time

65
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,120
 that had childcare.

66
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,920
 And I really needed childcare when I arrived.

67
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:06,200
 And actually, in fact, it's a special time.

68
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,160
 It's what, May 21st or something like that.

69
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,960
 So my daughter's birthday is May 27th.

70
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,440
 She's gonna be 28.

71
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:18,000
 And I always, this time of the month,

72
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,620
 you know, is a time of reflection for me

73
00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:25,120
 because I remember how crazy it was in May of 1995

74
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:30,800
 because I was so not okay.

75
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,000
 I was so loaded.

76
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,680
 I, let's see, she was born May 27th.

77
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,800
 So May 26th, actually May 27th in the morning,

78
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:44,300
 I went into labor and I was coming down basically.

79
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:45,680
 I was really bad.

80
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:50,560
 And I had her on May 27th of 1995.

81
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:51,840
 At Northridge Hospital.

82
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:56,160
 And, you know, alcoholism is powerful, you know,

83
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,320
 and the problem is I don't think I have a problem.

84
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,560
 And, you know, I related a lot to you.

85
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,440
 I grew up out here in the Valley.

86
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,920
 You know, I had, you know, it's,

87
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:12,240
 they define alcoholism as a spiritual disease.

88
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,200
 And, you know, looking back, you know,

89
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,880
 there was a lot of dis-ease growing up.

90
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,840
 My dad was a drinker.

91
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,840
 So there was alcohol in the house.

92
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,240
 And, you know, for some reason as a kid,

93
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:27,640
 I was always curious about alcohol and I don't know why.

94
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,100
 And I started off by sneaking his cigarettes

95
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,200
 'cause I, you know, he was also a smoker.

96
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,520
 So I started off that way

97
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,240
 and I always wanted to try his beer,

98
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:38,020
 but I thought he kept track of his beer in refrigerators.

99
00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:43,020
 So I never was brave enough to steal one, but I was curious.

100
00:04:43,020 --> 00:04:45,560
 And I, you know, he'd come home from work

101
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:46,760
 and crack open a beer.

102
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,040
 And I thought, you know, I sort of connected it with like,

103
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,600
 oh, he's, you know, relaxing after work, you know,

104
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:56,160
 and things were, you know, there was, it was uncomfortable.

105
00:04:56,160 --> 00:05:00,200
 You know, I had a hard relationship with my mom

106
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,960
 and later on I found out I was adopted,

107
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,600
 but I didn't know I was.

108
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,680
 I was snooping and found a box in my closet

109
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,320
 and read some papers and found out I was adopted.

110
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,960
 And the only thing that I realized was like,

111
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,880
 I thought to myself, oh, you know,

112
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,180
 no wonder she doesn't like me.

113
00:05:16,180 --> 00:05:17,280
 I'm not even her kid.

114
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:20,320
 You know, this was the relief I got from that, right?

115
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,840
 And that's the only thing I could tell myself, you know,

116
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,960
 and there was a lot of things going on, but you know,

117
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,760
 I, from the moment I, and I've spirit, my alcohol,

118
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,600
 my drinking started with like experimentation.

119
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,080
 I found the liquor cabinet.

120
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,360
 So in the middle of the night, I'd go sneak down there

121
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:39,600
 and I, you know, take a little sip of peppermint schnapps

122
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,700
 and you know, whatever.

123
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:43,560
 And it was warm and fuzzy and comforting.

124
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,080
 And I liked the effect produced by alcohol.

125
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,600
 I, you know, it, connection, you know, it was just,

126
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,400
 you know, ease and comfort.

127
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,720
 It was just, you know, it just made me feel calm

128
00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:00,060
 and peaceful, you know, amidst the everything going on.

129
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:03,080
 And, you know, I crashed and burned pretty quick.

130
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,240
 I, you know, and I related to you.

131
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,160
 I mean, you know what?

132
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,500
 I liked school.

133
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:08,420
 I did well.

134
00:06:08,420 --> 00:06:11,360
 I liked, you know, I was always like the last kid standing

135
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,160
 in the spelling bee and I loved to write book reports.

136
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,640
 And it's not that, you know, I grew up and, you know,

137
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,700
 I had anybody calling me, you know,

138
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,420
 stupid or anything like that.

139
00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:23,520
 It's just that nobody said anything, you know what I mean?

140
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,720
 So I kind of, you know, and I had some insecurities,

141
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,520
 you know, I, you know, I, my dad was American.

142
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,760
 My mom was Filipino.

143
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,880
 I was always kind of embarrassed, you know, about my mom.

144
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,360
 She had a really thick accent.

145
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:40,360
 I never had friends over and she suffered from OCD,

146
00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:43,480
 like a repetitive kind of OCD thing going on.

147
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,800
 And so I never wanted anybody to see her.

148
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,560
 It was, it was, it made for a lot of discus.

149
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,440
 So I left home as quick as I possibly could,

150
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,840
 went to go stay with friends and, you know,

151
00:06:55,840 --> 00:07:00,280
 partied on and, you know, and it was fun and it was fun.

152
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:04,900
 And, you know, it was 1992 and it was fun.

153
00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:06,760
 I was hanging out with the home girls

154
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,640
 and Dr. Dre just dropped his chronic album

155
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,520
 and we were hanging out hard and, you know.

156
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,180
 But the problem is I have alcoholism

157
00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:18,080
 and I don't realize that I'm never gonna get back

158
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:19,840
 to the park with the home girls.

159
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,600
 You know, those days are gonna be long gone.

160
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:27,000
 You know, I now have a physical craving, you know,

161
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,380
 beyond my mental control.

162
00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:32,520
 And, you know, I encourage anybody that's new, you know,

163
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:36,560
 to take a minute to dive into the doctor's opinion.

164
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:41,560
 It really, you know, it really explains alcoholism for me.

165
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:45,320
 And, you know, whenever I, not question,

166
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:48,720
 but I relate to it, like, oh, this is why I drink,

167
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,560
 you know, and I get it, like it makes sense, right?

168
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:55,240
 And, you know, so I crash and burn, you know, pretty quick.

169
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:59,240
 And, you know, the truth of the matter is if I could drink

170
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,880
 and not like get in trouble, not get arrested, you know,

171
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,960
 not get into, you know, cars that I'm supposed

172
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,880
 to be getting into or whatever, all of that stuff,

173
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,640
 I'd probably still be doing it.

174
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,220
 If alcohol, if drinking still worked for me,

175
00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:14,960
 I'd probably still be doing it.

176
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,400
 And the problem is it just, it doesn't.

177
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:22,220
 And, you know, so, you know, and then I got pregnant

178
00:08:22,220 --> 00:08:26,080
 and, you know, it's like, it wasn't enough.

179
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,100
 It wasn't enough, it wasn't suffice to stop me

180
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,920
 from doing whatever I was doing.

181
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:36,160
 And so I tried to get some help.

182
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,640
 I even went to a little place called Via Avante

183
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,560
 for one night, and I stayed for one night.

184
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,080
 I got checked in and everything,

185
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,280
 and then I left the next morning.

186
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,720
 And I was, I was thinking, God, what would have my,

187
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:53,920
 what would have my life been if I would have stayed?

188
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:57,000
 'Cause it's a facility for women and children.

189
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:01,080
 And it's, you know, anyway, I, so it's interesting.

190
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,480
 So I had my daughter and, and I, you know,

191
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,360
 she was taken out of the hospital

192
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,560
 when she was three days old

193
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,920
 and went into a foster care home.

194
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,020
 And I went back to my apartment

195
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,980
 and it talks about it in the big book, you know,

196
00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:17,960
 the four horsemen, you know, the terror,

197
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,480
 the bewilderment, the frustration, and the despair.

198
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,800
 And I sat there and I, you know,

199
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,900
 I'm dry with like no AA, right?

200
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:31,360
 And, and it's kind of a dark place to be

201
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,040
 when you're not drunk, but you don't have this, you know?

202
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,840
 And, and I just didn't know what to do with myself.

203
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,720
 And I was so ashamed of what I had done.

204
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,440
 And so I just did, you know, what we do.

205
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:48,440
 And so, so from May of '95 to January of '96,

206
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:53,200
 I tried to, you know, put the days together.

207
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,680
 I had social workers knocking on my door

208
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,840
 and they had put a list of counseling places

209
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,720
 'cause part of the court, you know,

210
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,100
 case was that I was supposed to go get treat, you know,

211
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:05,960
 go into some kind of treatment thing.

212
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,540
 And so anyway, so I made a bunch of appointments.

213
00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:10,380
 Yeah, I'll be there.

214
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:11,220
 Yeah, I'll be there.

215
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:15,200
 And, and, and, and I ended up actually going one day

216
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:19,040
 and I, I met this counselor there and, and you know,

217
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:24,040
 the, my, my thing was hypocrisy.

218
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,640
 You know, I, and, and it's sort of a spiritual sickness

219
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:28,480
 in its own right.

220
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:29,380
 'Cause I would say, you know,

221
00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:30,880
 who are you to tell me anything?

222
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:31,920
 You know, what are you doing?

223
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,400
 You know, my parents, you know,

224
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,840
 they wanted me to be like this good person, this good kid,

225
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,500
 but my mom was so mean and I'd say, you know,

226
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:40,760
 who are you to tell me anything?

227
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,280
 You're not even nice, right?

228
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,120
 Like, and, and it was like,

229
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,840
 and I have to be careful with that.

230
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:49,480
 Even, even today, you know, like sitting, thinking like,

231
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,880
 you know, take, you know, look at your own self,

232
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,700
 but you know, what are you doing?

233
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:54,540
 You know what I mean?

234
00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:58,000
 And it's so easy to get into that spiritual sickness

235
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,360
 of judgment and, you know, keeping me sick, you know,

236
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,240
 and keeping you away from me and, you know,

237
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,400
 keeping you disconnected and, you know,

238
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,560
 but that was my thing.

239
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,720
 You know, I, I'd be out, you know,

240
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,360
 even when I was out there, I'd say, you know, look,

241
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,700
 look at this, you know, person picking up, you know,

242
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:15,760
 girls off the street.

243
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,320
 I mean, he's probably married, got kids at home.

244
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:21,200
 I mean, you know, the hell with all these people, you know,

245
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,400
 and it just kept me really sick and it made it okay for me

246
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,080
 to keep doing what I was doing.

247
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:26,920
 You know what I mean?

248
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,240
 Which was not right either, but, you know,

249
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,800
 but I'm grateful to that drug and alcohol counselor.

250
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,240
 She told me about meetings and my first meeting

251
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,960
 was an NA meeting actually at Northridge Park.

252
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:42,960
 And, you know, I really just walked into that meeting

253
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,360
 and really didn't know what was, what was going on.

254
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:49,960
 But I, you know, I heard people sharing and I thought,

255
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,480
 oh, this is, this is interesting.

256
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,560
 You know, they're like doing stuff and they're not,

257
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,960
 you know, they're not partying and, and drinking

258
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,680
 and drugging and, you know, they're, they sound like,

259
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,760
 you know, whatever it was, it was interesting.

260
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,800
 And it's, it's easy to get, you know, nervous sharing

261
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,760
 and having to do this, this thing.

262
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,860
 But then I always remember that it's, you know,

263
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:09,600
 it's not the speaker, it's the listener.

264
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:13,360
 So, you know, I, I don't, I don't trip, but, but I,

265
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,760
 you know, I've grown to really appreciate, you know,

266
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,880
 the sharing that, that, you know, happens here.

267
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,360
 And, and, you know, so I, I heard stuff and I thought,

268
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,240
 you know, this is, this is, this is good.

269
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,120
 This is pretty cool.

270
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:30,560
 And I, I, I, you know, went back to that meeting every week

271
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,080
 and I started branching out to different meetings and,

272
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,680
 you know, and, and it was, you know, and, and I,

273
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,980
 a lot of, a lot of my time was, was spent in meetings.

274
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:42,720
 I went to the Valley Club and, you know, my daughter was,

275
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,240
 was still in foster care.

276
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,500
 And, and so I had time and, you know,

277
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,520
 I was able to go to a bunch of meetings in the beginning

278
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:54,000
 and, you know, and, and so we just, you know, we started

279
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:59,000
 and, and, but the real challenge was when, you know,

280
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,560
 was when my daughter came home to live with me.

281
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:06,040
 And I wanted, you know, so that, so that's the,

282
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,060
 the hoopla, the shenanigans.

283
00:13:08,060 --> 00:13:11,560
 And, but, you know, I got to, I got to, I got to have,

284
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:15,200
 I got to make a new story here and, and, you know,

285
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,000
 a sober story and I, you know,

286
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,240
 they talk about the personal adventures before and after,

287
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,240
 and my personal adventures after are, you know, amazing.

288
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,600
 And, you know, I'm so grateful to the old timers.

289
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,000
 You know, I was, you know,

290
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,600
 I went to the Valley Club in my first year

291
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:35,220
 and all the old timers that were there, you know, you know,

292
00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:38,880
 Helen Bloom would get up and share from, from, you know,

293
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,740
 the podium and she'd say, you know,

294
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:42,380
 stay away from my girls.

295
00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,200
 I have a baseball bat in my trunk

296
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,920
 and I'm not afraid to use it.

297
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:49,520
 Like, you know, gems, you know, and they've all, you know,

298
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,840
 gone to the big meeting in the sky and I, I miss them,

299
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:57,240
 you know, and I'm, I'm grateful that, that, you know,

300
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,120
 we get to pass, you know, we get to keep their legacy alive,

301
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,240
 but, you know, and it was, it was rough, you know,

302
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:08,240
 learning to be, you know, a sober mom and, and, you know,

303
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:11,320
 I've, I've, I've struggled, you know, and, and, you know,

304
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:12,160
 it's interesting.

305
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:17,160
 I had, I learned a lot about like not using my alcoholism

306
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,820
 or my recovery or, you know,

307
00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:25,240
 my sobriety as like a manipulation to, you know,

308
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,860
 get people to do whatever.

309
00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:30,020
 And I remember, and I'll never forget this, you know,

310
00:14:30,020 --> 00:14:33,800
 my daughter and I were struggling and I got so mad at her.

311
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,000
 And I said, you know, if I drink, it's going to be your fault.

312
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,480
 It's what I told her one time and I just watched her,

313
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,440
 her eyes fill up with, with, you know, tears.

314
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,280
 And I, I'll never forget the look on her face.

315
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,240
 And I said, you know what?

316
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:49,120
 And I never said that to her again.

317
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,040
 And I learned a huge lesson about, you know, you know,

318
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,480
 this is like my deal, you know, I'm not, you know, it's,

319
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,920
 it's, you know, and, and so there's,

320
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,980
 there's been a lot of tough lessons and, you know,

321
00:14:59,980 --> 00:15:03,080
 living amends and, you know, it's funny because today,

322
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:04,320
 I'm like, ah, gosh, you know,

323
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,920
 I got to go share at that meeting and I better go home

324
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,920
 and do that step work that my sponsor gave me,

325
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,800
 like in January and finish it because, you know,

326
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,440
 then it'll be credible or, you know,

327
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,160
 I've got to share in front of all these people.

328
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,480
 And, oh God, you know, it was just like, you know,

329
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:22,200
 I passed on the step work to one of my, to, to my friend,

330
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,240
 to my sponsor Rose and she's already like done with it.

331
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,520
 I'm like, oh my God, you know, you know,

332
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,020
 it's just so like, come on, you know,

333
00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:34,240
 sponsors aren't bulletproof, you know, I, you know, I,

334
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:38,000
 it's in the same way that God meets me halfway.

335
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,400
 I have to, I have to meet others and, you know,

336
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,720
 I know you baby then you bury them, blah, blah, blah.

337
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,840
 You know, if I had the power to get people sober,

338
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,380
 this room would be like,

339
00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:52,440
 there would be no more room in this room, okay.

340
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,080
 And I just, you know, I'm so, you know,

341
00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:00,280
 I'm grateful for the patience and the tolerance, you know,

342
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,960
 and the, and the graciousness that alcohol,

343
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,960
 the people of alcohol and Alcoholics Anonymous have,

344
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,920
 you know, shown me and, you know, it's, it's, it's all,

345
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:10,920
 it's all changed.

346
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,640
 And, you know, so, so yeah, it was, it was, it was hard,

347
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,580
 but you know, my daughter and I, you know,

348
00:16:16,580 --> 00:16:20,080
 we started going to that Saturday meeting and I dragged Jovi

349
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,140
 with me and, and we, you know, we started our life,

350
00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:25,440
 but I'm going to tell you, I want to tell you a few things,

351
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,920
 the foster mom and I, where Jovi was in foster care,

352
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:33,200
 you know, we stayed friends and, and she's like her nana now

353
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,820
 and she was very, she's been instrumental.

354
00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:39,440
 She was like a second mom and, you know,

355
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,880
 so we're still friends today.

356
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,240
 When I was 20 years sober,

357
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,960
 I called my social worker and she remembered me

358
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,440
 and I called her and I said, you know,

359
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,920
 this always makes me, I said, you know,

360
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,680
 I just want to thank you.

361
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,840
 I said, I want you to know that we're okay, you know,

362
00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:01,400
 and, and Jovi's good and I'm good, you know, and you know,

363
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,860
 things like that. Right. And, and same thing.

364
00:17:03,860 --> 00:17:06,360
 I was able to go back to school. I love it. You know,

365
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,840
 I got my GED and, you know, I,

366
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,160
 I used to sit in meetings and think like, oh God,

367
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:11,980
 this meeting, you know,

368
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:14,560
 how's this meeting going to help me pay my bills?

369
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,860
 You know, how, you know, I'm on food stamps.

370
00:17:16,860 --> 00:17:19,680
 I'm just trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents. I mean,

371
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,560
 what, you know, what I don't even, you know,

372
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,760
 what do you know, you have a car, you know,

373
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,580
 that kind of stuff. Right. I'm like, but you know,

374
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:29,360
 I'll tell you how Alcoholics Anonymous helped me with,

375
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:33,000
 I didn't know that going to meetings and building that

376
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,160
 structure of going to meetings,

377
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,600
 getting to meetings on time is going to prepare me for the

378
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,360
 workforce. I didn't know, you know, so when,

379
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,940
 so I had been so used to getting to meetings and having this

380
00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:47,960
 little schedule of meetings that, you know,

381
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,520
 it became natural to like, okay, well, okay,

382
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,320
 now I've got to go to work, you know, and, and that's how,

383
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,960
 and that's how it connected. It was like, oh, you know,

384
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,760
 it's been preparing me, you know, to, you know,

385
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,560
 to be out in the world, to take these principles and,

386
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,460
 and, you know, apply them, you know, to my life, you know,

387
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:11,460
 and, you know, it was, it was a lot of lessons in that way.

388
00:18:11,460 --> 00:18:14,880
 And, you know, I, so currently, you know,

389
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,860
 I still try to keep commitments. I have, what am I,

390
00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:20,920
 the Tuesday night women's hole in the sky meeting.

391
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,680
 I'm the chip and cake person.

392
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,880
 So if you want to come and take a chip, I'm happy to,

393
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,960
 you know, so I have that commitment and apparently I have

394
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,000
 the coffee once, you know, when I can the coffee bar,

395
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:37,400
 you know, volunteer thingy at the Valley Club, you know,

396
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,520
 I only volunteered for one Sunday,

397
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,480
 but apparently now I'm on the schedule.

398
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,780
 And so I try to stay active in that way. You know,

399
00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:48,400
 I always feel like sometimes I don't, you know,

400
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,820
 have a lot to give, you know, financially or otherwise.

401
00:18:52,820 --> 00:18:56,280
 But, you know, I do, because if I'm in a meeting,

402
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,440
 there's always ways to be of service, you know,

403
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:03,320
 help pick up chairs or, you know, help set up the meeting

404
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:08,320
 or, you know, contribute in some way, you know, that way.

405
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,420
 And, you know, a long journey, you know, I, you know,

406
00:19:11,420 --> 00:19:15,360
 all the, you know, being in love with, you know,

407
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:18,080
 being in broke with, you know, the friendships,

408
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,240
 you know, I always say, okay, staying sober, you know,

409
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,400
 longevity, sobriety, you know, time only matters

410
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,580
 to the person who has it.

411
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:27,160
 But, you know, it's like, you know,

412
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:28,720
 you think staying sober is hard,

413
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,960
 try keeping friendships for 27 years.

414
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,280
 I mean, you know, try, you know, sitting, you know,

415
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,760
 I, sitting with people in meetings for 27 years

416
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:43,280
 and working things out and, you know, the steps, you know,

417
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,120
 have been, you know, a guide for me to, you know,

418
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:51,160
 I didn't look, I didn't know that when I was mad at somebody

419
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:54,720
 or resentful at somebody that I could like put it on paper

420
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,020
 and like go through this process and like work it out.

421
00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:01,640
 I always was just mad at you for being mad at me.

422
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,960
 And then I would just like, okay, we're not friends anymore,

423
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,120
 you know, or, you know, like try, you know,

424
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:11,800
 going to meetings for 27 years, having a resentment

425
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,480
 and then like, oh, I'm just gonna go to a different meeting.

426
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,240
 Yeah, right, how about staying put and sitting through

427
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,320
 that meeting and working it out?

428
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,880
 Like, I didn't know, right?

429
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,760
 And, you know, although I do love, you know,

430
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:26,280
 the new meetings that start with the resentment

431
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,040
 and the coffee pot, there have been some great meetings

432
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:32,040
 that have been started that way and I do appreciate that.

433
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,240
 But, you know, these are, these are the things.

434
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:38,740
 And, you know, my mom passed away in 2018,

435
00:20:38,740 --> 00:20:40,360
 but I wanna tell you a story about that.

436
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:43,560
 I was hanging out, so this is in 2018.

437
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,280
 I found out that my mom was sick.

438
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,520
 They were living out in Palm Desert, my dad and my mom.

439
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,440
 I hadn't been in their lives for a really long time.

440
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:55,200
 My dad, you know, and I were still connected and, you know,

441
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,320
 he'd come to visit me and stuff like that.

442
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,860
 But, you know, I'm so grateful for the women

443
00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:01,440
 of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know,

444
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,200
 I was sitting at the hole in the sky, it was Tuesday night.

445
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:08,440
 I was with Sue and Kristen and I was telling them,

446
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,880
 oh, you know, my mom's sick and she's out there

447
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,200
 and I don't know what to do.

448
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,760
 You know, I don't think I should go see her

449
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,280
 because, you know, we haven't talked and, you know,

450
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,680
 it's just, you know, it's all bad, right?

451
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:19,960
 And they were like, you know,

452
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,860
 so we were sitting back there talking and I'm like,

453
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:23,780
 you know what, I don't even have enough gas in my car

454
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:24,620
 to get out there.

455
00:21:24,620 --> 00:21:26,600
 They're all the way out in Palm Springs or whatever.

456
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,800
 And, you know, they handed me a couple bucks.

457
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,520
 They said, you know what, just go see, just go out there.

458
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:32,560
 Just go, I'm like, okay.

459
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,040
 And, you know, that's another thing, you know, just go,

460
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,720
 just get in the car, just get in the car.

461
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,160
 You know, that's the kind of sobriety, just get in the car.

462
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,560
 Let's go.

463
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,840
 So they said, just, you know, just go.

464
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,240
 So I went, so I went Wednesday morning,

465
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:51,680
 I drove out there and I saw my dad and I got to see my mom.

466
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:53,200
 By the time I got, I mean,

467
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,240
 she couldn't talk anymore and all of that stuff,

468
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,200
 but, you know, I'm glad I went out there.

469
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:03,200
 I'm glad that I talked to those women that night about it.

470
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,200
 And she passed away Thursday morning

471
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,080
 and I got to be there for my dad.

472
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:11,000
 You know, a friend used to tell me, you know,

473
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,640
 the more you share,

474
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,120
 the more people know what's going on with you,

475
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:16,760
 the more people can pray for you.

476
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,600
 And I thought, that's interesting.

477
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,760
 You know, that makes sense.

478
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,960
 So it's good to share.

479
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:26,040
 It's good to share what's going on, you know,

480
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,760
 so more people can be there for you and support you.

481
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,400
 And, you know, so I'm really grateful.

482
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:36,160
 And so I got to be out there and, you know,

483
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,680
 even though I was never able to mend things, you know,

484
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,800
 with my mom, it still just felt good

485
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,920
 to be able to be there for my dad.

486
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,360
 And, you know, I'm forever grateful for, you know,

487
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:51,700
 the program for selfish people

488
00:22:51,700 --> 00:22:54,320
 learning to not be so selfish, you know.

489
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:58,320
 And, you know, it's been, you know,

490
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:01,480
 it's just been quite a journey.

491
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:06,480
 So my current situation, I live with my dad and my daughter

492
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:11,680
 and the pug and the shnug and the fat rat cat.

493
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,920
 And, you know, it's peaceful.

494
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,960
 And it's, you know, I live a simple life

495
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,040
 and I have found out the longer I am sober,

496
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:23,760
 the less I need, the less I want.

497
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,520
 And it's enough, you know.

498
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,080
 Terry White used to say alcoholics anonymous

499
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:29,440
 has never not been enough.

500
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:34,200
 And, you know, I, you know, I was reading,

501
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:38,840
 I think my favorite chapter in the book is a vision for you.

502
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,360
 And I was reading the other day

503
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:42,760
 and I don't know why I was reading it.

504
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,640
 I think I was talking to somebody about it.

505
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:48,000
 But on page 154, when it talks about

506
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:53,000
 when Bill was at the hotel and he felt like drinking

507
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,360
 and he didn't know whether or not

508
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:57,400
 he wanted to go to the bar, you know.

509
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,360
 And instead he, you know, called the hospital

510
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,120
 to see if there were any drunks that he could talk to.

511
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:06,440
 And he called Dr. Bob.

512
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,200
 He ended up talking to Dr. Bob.

513
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:11,200
 And I always think about that story, like, man,

514
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,160
 what if he never made that phone call?

515
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,440
 You know, isn't it crazy to think like,

516
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,000
 what if he never made that phone call?

517
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:18,920
 We would not be here, you know.

518
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,760
 And it's just so powerful, you know.

519
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,920
 And, you know, I always joke around with just, you know,

520
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:25,960
 like, what's the point?

521
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,000
 And I said, we read it every week at a meeting.

522
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,760
 What is the point, you know?

523
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,760
 The point is we're willing to grow along spiritual lines.

524
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:37,760
 And, you know, I have a spiritual disease and, you know,

525
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,080
 I go, I fall off my routine, you know.

526
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,080
 I believe in the power of prayer.

527
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:48,040
 I have, over the years, I was one of those people

528
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,840
 that come in and I'd say, you know,

529
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:51,920
 they say this isn't a religious program.

530
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,320
 How did we say the Lord's prayer?

531
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,000
 It doesn't make sense to me, you know.

532
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,680
 All of that stuff, right.

533
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,280
 And, you know, and then I said, you know,

534
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,200
 I'm gonna check out those atheists.

535
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,720
 You know, there's Alcoholics Anonymous atheist meetings,

536
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,640
 which are very fascinating, by the way.

537
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,880
 I've been to a couple and I've been through, you know,

538
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:13,400
 and so I've gone through my, you know,

539
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:17,480
 involvement of, you know, connecting to a higher power.

540
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,520
 And, you know, I don't think that there's anything

541
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,360
 more spiritual than witnessing people

542
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,040
 helping other people out.

543
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:29,200
 And it's, you know, I don't, I just don't know how, you know,

544
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,200
 and I don't, you know, it's, you know,

545
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,720
 there's never a wrong way to do the right thing.

546
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,040
 It's like, it's not rocket science, right.

547
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:39,320
 And so whatever that, whatever growing

548
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,880
 along spiritual lines means to you,

549
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,000
 maybe it, you know, maybe it means that, you know,

550
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:48,040
 you take your, you know, elderly parent

551
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,040
 and you're taking care of your elderly parent.

552
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,720
 Maybe it means that you're, you know,

553
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:53,960
 taking care of your kids.

554
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,960
 Maybe it means that you're not, you know,

555
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,760
 throwing your cigarette butts in front of the meeting hall,

556
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:02,600
 even though there's a sign that says not to, I don't know.

557
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:03,440
 You know what I mean?

558
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,040
 It's like, you know, I don't know what that looks like

559
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,440
 for you, you know, and, you know, it's, thank you.

560
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:13,760
 And, you know, so for me, you know, I get to, you know,

561
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:18,120
 stay open-minded and continue to have that evolve for me,

562
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,840
 you know, and, you know, I love, you know,

563
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:25,280
 that every time I, you know, get into reading the big book,

564
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,440
 it's different all the time.

565
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:30,040
 It's a new experience all the time.

566
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:33,040
 And, you know, I might've read something last week

567
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,360
 and I'll read the same thing again the next week

568
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,240
 and it's totally different, you know,

569
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:42,240
 and it's a magical, it's a magical thing, you know,

570
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,800
 and life hasn't always been easy

571
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:46,960
 and life hasn't, you know, always been fair.

572
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:50,800
 There's been a lot of not fairs and, you know,

573
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,640
 I'm just grateful I have tools.

574
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:55,840
 Another thing that I've been, and I think it's

575
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:57,160
 'cause I was talking to somebody,

576
00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:00,120
 it's always 'cause I'm like talking to people about stuff,

577
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:02,540
 but like, I've been really into that freedom

578
00:27:02,540 --> 00:27:05,640
 from bondage story and I've been thinking a lot

579
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,640
 about that two-week resentment thing,

580
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:12,640
 a prayer that she talks about and I'm like, okay, you know,

581
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:17,280
 that if I'm resentful at somebody, I pray for everything

582
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,480
 I will want for myself for them to have and, you know,

583
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:24,880
 and I really, you know, so you do it for two weeks

584
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,740
 and if you don't feel better, you do it more, you do it,

585
00:27:27,740 --> 00:27:30,460
 you know, and eventually, and I did that actually

586
00:27:30,460 --> 00:27:34,160
 with my mom and eventually over time, it started to,

587
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:37,700
 you know, dissipate the, you know, the anger

588
00:27:37,700 --> 00:27:41,400
 and the resentment and, you know, I think, you know,

589
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:45,200
 what happens is when I continue to stay active,

590
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,840
 I'm less resentful, I'm less judgy, you know,

591
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:52,960
 I'm less gossipy, you know, believe me,

592
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:57,080
 I could have gone my whole life not ever hearing that

593
00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:00,180
 and I can't unhear it, so don't tell me, you know,

594
00:28:00,180 --> 00:28:05,000
 so, you know, it's small spiritual roads, you know,

595
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:09,540
 spirituality for you might mean, you know, not gossiping,

596
00:28:09,540 --> 00:28:14,080
 not talking badly about people, you know, you know,

597
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:18,920
 and so, anyway, it's, you know, so I don't know,

598
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:22,440
 I'm just grateful to be here and my dog said it was okay

599
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,760
 for me to be out tonight, so, you know,

600
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,780
 I'm happy about that and my friend, you know,

601
00:28:28,780 --> 00:28:31,040
 my friends, you know, I'll, you know,

602
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,880
 take my dog out on a walk, I, you know,

603
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:38,000
 I don't look at my, my phone's away and I, you know,

604
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,720
 nobody exists when I'm out with my dog and everybody,

605
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,300
 you know, from six to like seven on the weekdays,

606
00:28:44,300 --> 00:28:48,000
 that's, that's velvet's playtime, so yeah,

607
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:53,000
 but dog spelled backwards is God, so anyway, you know,

608
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:58,080
 if, if you're new, do as I say, not as I do, no, you know,

609
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,020
 I don't, I don't know what the, what the, you know,

610
00:29:01,020 --> 00:29:03,660
 it's, it's, it's a combination of everything, you know,

611
00:29:03,660 --> 00:29:07,000
 unity service recovery, it's like a three,

612
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,840
 it's like a three legged stool,

613
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:12,080
 if one of those legs are gone, you're going down, right?

614
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:16,960
 So unity service recovery, the circle is ongoing,

615
00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:20,600
 and with those three things and this continuous circle,

616
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:24,380
 you know, then you can, you know, sit up with, you know,

617
00:29:24,380 --> 00:29:28,640
 respect and, you know, grace and, you know,

618
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:32,840
 happiness and joyfulness and, you know, even through,

619
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,160
 even through the ups and downs, you know,

620
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:38,720
 and all the not fares in life and, you know,

621
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:43,320
 as long as you, you keep the three sided triangle together,

622
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:46,800
 then, you know, it works.

623
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:49,360
 It works if you work it and it shows if you don't.

624
00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:51,160
 So I'll leave it at that, thank you.