1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,680 You know, if you're going to be on camera, you might as well speak up. 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:04,180 OK. 3 00:00:04,180 --> 00:00:06,220 Hi, I'm Ducky, and I'm an alcoholic. 4 00:00:06,220 --> 00:00:07,720 Hi, I'm Abby. 5 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:09,080 Thank you very much, Karen. 6 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,560 It's nice to meet you. 7 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:11,960 Thank you for having me. 8 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,560 I just want to check my time. 9 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:19,200 And let's see, my sobriety date's July 2, 1980. 10 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:21,020 I got here at 18. 11 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:23,960 I still have my braces on because they 12 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,400 should have come off many years prior, 13 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:30,560 but I was too busy drinking to not go back to the orthodontist. 14 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,200 So they got off when I was one year sober. 15 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:38,440 But my whole group is specific, so sorry. 16 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,640 Oh, funny, funny, funny, ha ha. 17 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,240 OK, but I'm from-- 18 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:46,440 I was born in Encino, and I lived in Pinocchio Park. 19 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,080 Do I get a yay? 20 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,480 OK, so I'm an original Valley girl. 21 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:52,240 Well, I don't know. 22 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,000 Yeah, I think I am, because I was born in the '60s. 23 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,840 And so that's pretty original, Valley girl-ish. 24 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,520 And oh, but right now, I live in Orange County. 25 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,840 So go ahead and boo now. 26 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,680 [INTERPOSING VOICES] 27 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:10,360 I do like interactive meetings, so this is all good. 28 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:12,720 Boo and hiss and yay once in a while. 29 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:13,360 There we go. 30 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,720 But the bottom line is I'm an alcoholic. 31 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,320 So welcome if you're new. 32 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:19,080 Welcome if you're returning. 33 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:23,040 You know, this is just my story, my experience. 34 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:27,920 And you know, my alcoholism into my sobriety, 35 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,800 the darkness into light. 36 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,840 And you know, that's what I think that I love. 37 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:34,520 You know, you did a great job, Ben. 38 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:38,920 And that's what we have, darkness into light, 39 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,040 alcoholism into sobriety. 40 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:45,120 So obviously, I got sober at 18. 41 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,840 I didn't have a lot of drinking history. 42 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,560 But I lived in Canoga Park. 43 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,400 This is my sister, Lisa. 44 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,000 Thank you so much for coming. 45 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,400 She lives in Burbank. 46 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,000 Yay. 47 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,520 And an alcoholic, yeah. 48 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,040 So I had three older sisters, mom and dad. 49 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,480 My dad was a drunk. 50 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:10,160 But he was a good drunk in the sense of he was a good dad. 51 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,080 I always like to say he had a great big heart and just 52 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,800 a love for drinking. 53 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:19,000 And you know, our home life, I wouldn't have never thought 54 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,120 that there was-- 55 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,280 we had a lot of love in our family, a lot of love. 56 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,280 So it wasn't a lack of anything. 57 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,960 Well, maybe, you know, functional family. 58 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,680 But maybe that was-- but that didn't cause my alcoholism. 59 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,360 And my mom-- my sisters were older. 60 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,720 So I was kind of like an only child. 61 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,000 I came much later. 62 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,280 And my dad's drinking. 63 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:41,760 My mom worked very hard. 64 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,960 She was an ER nurse at-- is that Parkwood or West Hills? 65 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:45,760 I don't know, both. 66 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,280 And right, interactive. 67 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:52,440 You can come-- no, OK, so she was my hero. 68 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:53,440 She was my hero. 69 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,720 She was a good-- 70 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,680 she was a great mom, great mom. 71 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,120 She went back to school to become a nurse. 72 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,720 So she could really, you know, pay the bills 73 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,400 and take care of our family. 74 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,680 But my dad was a good guy. 75 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,760 He'd bring drunks home from the bar. 76 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,400 And then later on, he brought drunks home from AA. 77 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,840 And so I spent a lot of time with him, 78 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,360 like, you know, going to the Canoga High football games, 79 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,640 the Dodger games. 80 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,440 We worked as a big sports fan. 81 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:19,600 I was his little buddy. 82 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,880 And, you know, from my earliest age, 83 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:26,200 I recall not feel-- like, kindergarten, 84 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,920 not feeling like I fit in. 85 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,080 And I don't know, it was like, you know, 86 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:31,800 you sit on your little square mat. 87 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:35,280 And I knew that they sat on their square mat way better. 88 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:37,040 I can't tell you what it was. 89 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:40,680 But, you know, it's that internal dialogue constantly, 90 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,280 like I said, you know? 91 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,600 Like, I felt like a square peg going 92 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,760 into a round hole constantly. 93 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,920 Like, I was constantly, you know, 94 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,800 judging my insides by your outside. 95 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,240 And I never measured up. 96 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,080 And, you know, later, of course, we'll 97 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:59,360 find out that's my alcoholism, the ism being by myself, me. 98 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:03,680 It's all about me and feeling lesser than and insecure 99 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,640 with selfishness, the ego. 100 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,800 And I got-- a little bit later, I 101 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:13,400 got into this little gang of Canoga Park surfers and skaters. 102 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,280 And I didn't do either. 103 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:16,880 I wasn't a surfer or a skater. 104 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,800 I was not coordinated. 105 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,200 But I was a great talker. 106 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,360 And I did everything they told me to do. 107 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,120 And it was really against the morals of our family. 108 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:30,920 But I just was so desperately wanting to be a part of, 109 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,360 and to be liked, and to be accepted, 110 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,600 and to not be kicked out. 111 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:39,160 And I, you know, about-- so I think my first drunk was-- 112 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:43,120 I was like 11, like wild, blackout drunk, 113 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,040 woke up the next morning on a beanbag chair way back 114 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,520 in the '70s, or whenever it was, and being told 115 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,040 what I did the night before. 116 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:51,960 And I liked that. 117 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,520 Even though, you know, it's not what you want to hear, 118 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,760 I just knew that I would never do that sober, 119 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,480 and that maybe they'd like me more. 120 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,560 So that's how my drinking started out. 121 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:06,000 And in 1975, my dad did a geographical. 122 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,280 So he thought, you know, life would be better, 123 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:10,520 or he could stay sober, or whatever, 124 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,800 and moved our family up to Issaquah, Washington. 125 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,280 And Issaquah was a tiny, little town. 126 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,480 You know, I grew up here in the valley, you know, 127 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:22,160 hitchhiking to Malibu, standing on the corners in your bikini. 128 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,240 I always got picked up, and always had a great time. 129 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,080 And then went-- so in 1975. 130 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,400 But I remember thinking at the time 131 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,000 that this is a good thing that I'm leaving, 132 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,120 that I'm leaving Canoga Park and these people. 133 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:39,960 Because, you know, in hindsight, or later on, a lot of people 134 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,440 had-- went, you know, deep down. 135 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:47,960 And drugs, and death, and a lot of things in Canoga Park. 136 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,640 And so I remember thinking, oh my god, it's a good thing. 137 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,760 Even though outside, I didn't want to leave. 138 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,600 You know, I did not want to leave California. 139 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:01,000 But I knew that I would never be strong enough or tough enough 140 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,920 to leave that group of people. 141 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:03,760 I just knew it. 142 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:04,960 I knew that about me. 143 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,240 So we get to Issaquah, and, you know, 144 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,800 I kind of floundered for a while. 145 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,080 And we had a rental, then we got a house. 146 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,280 And I went to Pine Lake Junior High. 147 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,160 And it was like eighth or ninth grade. 148 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,960 And I was-- you know, had no friends. 149 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,640 And I drank my parents wine and beer every night. 150 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:22,680 And, you know, smoking their cigarettes, 151 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,160 sneaking, everything. 152 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,640 But I really kind of applied myself in school. 153 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,480 I had never tried that before. 154 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,320 And I got a straight A's. 155 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,000 I was on an honor roll. 156 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,240 It was really this odd thing that 157 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,440 happened that by applying myself, 158 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,080 I was on the volleyball team and the ski team. 159 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,720 And, you know, just thinking-- 160 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,000 I don't know what I was thinking. 161 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,560 I had nothing else to do. 162 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,080 But that summer before high school, 163 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,640 it's like Californians were migrating out of California 164 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:52,760 for whatever reason. 165 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,880 And a lot of them went to Washington. 166 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,920 And in my little area of my neighborhood, 167 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,880 some California girls had moved in. 168 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,480 And my people had arrived. 169 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,520 You know, my dress didn't look so funny anymore, 170 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,080 because that's how they dressed. 171 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:11,520 And so it was like, you know, it was party from the get go. 172 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,760 And my sophomore year in high school, 173 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:17,040 my first year in high school, I ended with a 0.5 grade point 174 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:17,560 average. 175 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,520 And that was really-- 176 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:24,480 that fit better for me, because I didn't have to try very hard. 177 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,160 And I'm not a tryer. 178 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,840 I don't like to do hard things. 179 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,280 I like the easier, softer way all the time. 180 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,920 I like the easier, softer way. 181 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,720 I like just, you know, skirting by. 182 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:40,800 And so from that point to the time that I got sober, 183 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,440 it was wild, and I've already blackout drinking. 184 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:44,880 I like the blackout. 185 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:46,600 I don't like reality. 186 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,360 There's nothing about reality that I like. 187 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,440 Because it's reality. 188 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:53,600 Your kids are way more fun to be drunk. 189 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:59,680 And when I was 15 in 1977, I came home from school one day. 190 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,800 And my dad was drunk. 191 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:02,840 Nothing new. 192 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:07,280 But we had those old phones on the wall there. 193 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,840 And it had one of those wind-up cords that were stretched. 194 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,120 So it piled up on the floor in a coil. 195 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,240 Like, you could take it around the neighborhood, 196 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,600 because it would be on the phone. 197 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:17,480 We had one of those. 198 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:18,560 And he was on the phone. 199 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,120 He had this big phone book. 200 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,680 And he kept saying, no, there's nothing wrong with my car. 201 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:24,640 And he'd hang up. 202 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,320 And Brian's like, Duffy, come over here. 203 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,600 And he's trying to get this number. 204 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,520 He kind of is trying to get this number. 205 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,120 And I dialed the number. 206 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,240 And they say, Alcoholics Anonymous. 207 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,680 Well, I don't know what an alcoholic is, nor an anonymous. 208 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,280 I had never heard that word. 209 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,160 And so I hand the phone to my dad. 210 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:46,440 And what he was trying to do was call AA, AA. 211 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,600 But he kept calling AAA. 212 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,600 And they're asking about his car. 213 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,480 And so I hand him the phone. 214 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:54,720 I don't know what's going on. 215 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:55,600 He hangs up. 216 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:59,000 He calls Lisa, because you were over 21. 217 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,120 And he says, Lisa, go get me a six pack. 218 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,240 AA's coming over. 219 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,240 And she did. 220 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,480 And that was his last six pack. 221 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:09,840 That was his last drink. 222 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,320 And that was February 7, 1977. 223 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,560 And these two men from AA came into our home. 224 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,640 And Miracle had arrived into our home 225 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,920 and changed the trajectory of our lives. 226 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:27,160 And he didn't drink again from that day till 1992, 227 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,320 when he passed away. 228 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,800 And sober. 229 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,480 But these men came in and took him to AA every night. 230 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,520 He probably should have gone to detox. 231 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,600 But they fed him hard candy back then. 232 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,840 And every day, he was going to meetings. 233 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:42,960 Every day, there was an Alana Club in Bellevue not far. 234 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,040 And he picked up P. Knuckle, played P. Knuckle, 235 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,280 and went to meetings every day. 236 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,120 And that's how he got sober. 237 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,600 But we loved AA, because it was a miracle 238 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,000 that happened to our family. 239 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,800 He was happy, and he was sober. 240 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:58,160 And if nothing else changed, that would have been fine. 241 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:03,200 But it really broadened our view to see that somebody 242 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,880 could get sober, like our dad. 243 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:08,280 And we would go to open AA meetings, and picnics, 244 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,240 and potlucks, and birthdays. 245 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,640 And everybody was so warm and welcoming. 246 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,880 It was great. 247 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,920 I wasn't a threat, because I'm not an alcoholic. 248 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,280 I was only 15. 249 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,040 Though I was blacking out and burning and all that. 250 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,280 So I barely graduated by the skin of my teeth. 251 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,520 Like, really skin of my teeth. 252 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,560 In fact, I think they said, you've got two credits left. 253 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,440 Go to the community college. 254 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:35,280 So I did, and I took creative consciousness. 255 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:39,240 And I took creative consciousness two. 256 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,200 Then I took creative consciousness two again. 257 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,440 It was my first year of college. 258 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:45,080 It was great. 259 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:48,040 But the summer after I graduated, 260 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:50,240 these guys came up to me and said, hey, 261 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,720 we're getting a house near the community college. 262 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,440 We need a fourth roommate. 263 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,120 Would you-- I said, yes. 264 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:57,280 And it was a party house. 265 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:00,240 And a couple of them started out kind 266 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:04,000 of being serious about college, or community college. 267 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,200 And I really never-- obviously, I wasn't. 268 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,000 I had a job. 269 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,640 And just, you know, I was at a restaurant. 270 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,680 And by Christmas time, I was not doing well. 271 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,840 I had lost all the other jobs. 272 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,880 And I was at this gas station. 273 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,720 It wasn't a fancy gas station. 274 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:26,200 It was, you know, it didn't have, like, you know, things to set, like, 275 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,640 you know, any drinks or cigarettes. 276 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:29,440 They had nothing. 277 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,560 It was just, like, there was this little hut that I stood in. 278 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,840 It was a couple of weeks before Christmas. 279 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,760 And this woman comes in, and she pays for her gas. 280 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,200 She hands me cash. 281 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,800 A couple hundred dollars fell into the trash can. 282 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,000 She takes off. 283 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,000 I see the $200. 284 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,200 I'm like, well, this is a lucky day for me. 285 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:48,400 It's a Friday. 286 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:51,440 So I put the money in, thinking I get to drink on my own dime 287 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,360 this weekend and whatever else. 288 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,800 And I didn't think another thought of it. 289 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,880 You know, that's that I self me. 290 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,040 It's all about me, me, me, me, me. 291 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:03,880 And, but she comes running back in, crying. 292 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,320 She goes, oh my god, that's my Christmas money 293 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:07,640 for my three kids. 294 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,600 And it's two weeks before Christmas. 295 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,320 And I said, no, I haven't seen it. 296 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,320 And, you know, that's, you know, we talk about invisible lines. 297 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,880 There's many invisible lines. 298 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,840 But that one really stands out for me. 299 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,360 Because I like Christmas, and I wasn't raised that way. 300 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,160 But there was no way I was giving her $200 back, no way. 301 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:29,840 And a couple months later, my dad had a heart attack, stroke. 302 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,120 And they called in the afternoon. 303 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,320 And I went and got a fifth of tequila and a six pack 304 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,840 of beer, Rainier beer. 305 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,480 About 9 o'clock that night, or, you know, 306 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,400 I come out of a blackout thinking, 307 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,440 oh, I think I'm supposed to go to the hospital. 308 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,080 In and out of a blackout, drive to the hospital, 309 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,720 drunker than a skunk, in the elevator, 310 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,600 peed my pants, elevator doors open. 311 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,600 And there's this AA couple that my dad got sober 312 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:55,800 with, Jack and Terry. 313 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,040 And they direct me to ICU. 314 00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,920 I don't think my family was in there. 315 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,440 I don't really recall. 316 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,360 I remember seeing my dad all hooked up. 317 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,360 And then the nurses escorted me out. 318 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,480 And I was just drinking every day, not really holding a-- 319 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:10,560 oh, I called my-- 320 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,000 I wanted to go to a party. 321 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,080 Called them, I told them I broke my leg. 322 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,240 Don't ever do that. 323 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:18,800 Don't ever talk with broke your leg. 324 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,600 You have to have a cast on. 325 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,280 So you don't ever-- you can't go back the next week and say, 326 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,160 oh, forget that. 327 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:26,280 Forget about that. 328 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,080 Fine. 329 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:32,800 In May, we decided to drive up to Vancouver, British Columbia. 330 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,600 It's not that far, three, four hours. 331 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,520 But the drinking age was 19. 332 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,800 And though I was still 18, we thought, you know, 333 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:39,400 we'll get in. 334 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:43,280 So the guys from my house and a couple of us, we go up there. 335 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,480 And one of the guys thought he was my boyfriend. 336 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:46,920 Don't know why. 337 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,400 I wasn't as loyal as he may have been. 338 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,120 We get to this bar. 339 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:54,200 And I'm thinking, like, this is Disneyland. 340 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,720 And I had no money because I couldn't hold a job. 341 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:01,520 And I realized pretty quickly that they weren't drinking 342 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,080 like I wanted to drink. 343 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,920 Like, I'm in a bar. 344 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,720 I'm like, you know, bring it on. 345 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,240 And I don't know if these men found me or I found them. 346 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,080 But I went off with these two strange men for the weekend. 347 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,160 And in and out of a blackout. 348 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:16,640 And that's why, like I said, I like a blackout. 349 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:17,920 I like a blackout. 350 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:18,760 No reality. 351 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,120 But I found my people. 352 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,520 So I drove back with them over the border. 353 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,840 And, you know, I'm feeling, I'm thinking, you know, 354 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:27,200 not once did I think that alcohol is my problem. 355 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,720 I'm thinking, there's something wrong with me. 356 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:33,280 You know, I just had this, like, darkness in my soul. 357 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,600 The sky was dark. 358 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,000 We're driving down I-5 and thinking, 359 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,280 there is something really wrong with me. 360 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,960 And, you know, I've just got this dark soul. 361 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,480 And we're driving it. 362 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,560 It's getting darker and darker and darker. 363 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,720 It was May 18th, 1980. 364 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,280 It was the day that Mount St. Helens blew the volcano. 365 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,720 And it really was dark outside. 366 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:57,200 However, it really, you know, matched how I was feeling. 367 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,080 I was feeling pretty low. 368 00:14:59,080 --> 00:14:59,920 But what do you do? 369 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,000 You drink more. 370 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,600 You just drink more to cover up that low. 371 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,160 But, you know, the shame, the guilt. 372 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,320 There wasn't a lot of guilt. 373 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,720 It was just a lot of, you know, something's wrong. 374 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,560 I think I have maybe a mental illness. 375 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:17,000 And so I drank pretty heavily. 376 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,360 I lived in a party house and I was the only girl 377 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,680 and I was unwanted. 378 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,040 I was not liked. 379 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,680 And I wasn't working and I had zero money. 380 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:28,440 And my other sister called, who's not an alcoholic, 381 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,280 called one day out of the blue and said, 382 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,360 "Hey, you wanna go to that Sunday morning meeting with Dad?" 383 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,840 And I'm like, and I don't know why I said yes. 384 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:37,760 I have no idea. 385 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,800 I said, "Sure," drank every day in a blackout, 386 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,120 pretty much for a week before she picked me up. 387 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,280 Hadn't showered, hadn't changed my clothes, was still drunk. 388 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,120 She picked me up. 389 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,920 We'll go to this Sunday morning. 390 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,080 I sit across the table from my dad. 391 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,560 And, you know, they had a mic and they passed it around. 392 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,240 And I knew a lot of these people 393 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,240 from all the potlucks and picnics. 394 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,520 And, you know, I can only imagine, you know, I was a wreck. 395 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,160 I was drunk. 396 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,640 And this man stood up, Terry, 397 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,200 and he stood up and he was talking. 398 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,280 And, you know, there's many things that he could have said 399 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,160 about the beautiful life of Alcoholics Anonymous, 400 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:14,400 that, you know, what being sober and AA had given to him, 401 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:18,200 like successful businesses and houses and a wife 402 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,360 and these beautiful kids and cars and trips, 403 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:22,640 all of that was true. 404 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:26,120 And it was a result of living the honest, good life in AA 405 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,320 that we get the opportunity to do here. 406 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,920 And I wouldn't have related one iota to any of that. 407 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,640 And he talked about the black hole in his soul. 408 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,880 And it was that moment of grace that hit me. 409 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,520 It was like, oh, so that black hole 410 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,520 could be a result of my drinking. 411 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,320 So, you know, that moment of grace, 412 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,400 it's like, you know, shot through my brain. 413 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,840 Maybe it's my drinking. 414 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,240 And so I asked my dad if I could move home after the meeting. 415 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,760 He goes, "If you go to a meeting tonight and get a sponsor." 416 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,720 So I cleaned up, took a shower, got some clean clothes, 417 00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:00,640 went to a 7 p.m. beginners meeting at the Alana Club. 418 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,160 And it was about 10 guys, 12 guys. 419 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,680 I can do this. 420 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,920 I'm sitting there and the clock's ticking. 421 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,200 Nothing that they're saying is resonating. 422 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,200 And, you know, that clock is ticking. 423 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,920 And I'm like, oh my God, I made a terrible mistake. 424 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,160 I can't be an alcoholic. 425 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,080 I'm only 18 and the clock is ticking. 426 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,360 I can't be an alcoholic. 427 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,480 I never even really tried to stop drinking. 428 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,600 I have another good 10 years. 429 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,400 I'm sure I got another 10 years of drinking. 430 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,640 I might as well do this good. 431 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,400 You know, and the clock's ticking. 432 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,920 And I, you know, as the meeting was going on, 433 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,520 I was just backing myself out of that moment of grace 434 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,320 that God had given me that morning. 435 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,080 And it was like, I don't need this. 436 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,040 I am not ready. 437 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,080 I'm too young. 438 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,720 Everything, everything. 439 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,600 And they're like, now don't get up. 440 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,680 There's an eight o'clock meeting and it gets really busy. 441 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:51,600 And I'm like, okay. 442 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,520 And I kind of trapped against this wall. 443 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:54,360 Oh, okay. 444 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,280 And the doors open and the people flood in. 445 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,880 And I look up and there's this couple, Jack and Terry, 446 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,200 that were there when the elevator doors opened up. 447 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,320 And God gave me another moment of grace. 448 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,120 And I really believe it is seconds and inches 449 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:11,280 because I could have found a tear and, you know, 450 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,640 drove and drank and, you know, done all the stuff. 451 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,440 And that moment of grace was like, oh my God, 452 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,800 I think I have a drinking problem. 453 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,760 You could have hit me over the head with a two by four. 454 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,960 And I've been going to AA ever since. 455 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,680 And that was in June, 1980. 456 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:32,080 I did do a little few outside issues because, you know, 457 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,440 I'm thinking that I'm smarter than everybody else. 458 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:39,200 And I just need a few outside issues to get me off alcohol. 459 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,120 And, but I was still going to meetings that whole time. 460 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,600 And I would go to this one young people's meeting 461 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:49,200 and kind of high on something else that you shouldn't be on. 462 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,600 Yeah, like I'm the first person that's ever done that. 463 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,840 So anyhow, it got me to a kegger out at Devil's Dip 464 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:57,960 one more time. 465 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,720 And that night, they said, 466 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,160 I was doing some major outside issues. 467 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,960 And then they're like, let's go down to the lake. 468 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,880 And we got a fifth of Jack Daniels. 469 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,240 And they had had like two people and they gave it to me. 470 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,320 I drank, I was really thirsty. 471 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:19,440 And I drink because I love the effects produced by alcohol 472 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,560 in my system. 473 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:21,800 I love it. 474 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,280 And I drank that and went to the lake, 475 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,480 took off all my clothes. 476 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:29,120 It's like four in the morning and nobody came in after me. 477 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,480 I could have easily drowned. 478 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,400 And I don't know how I made it home. 479 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,240 But the next morning I called AA and they came and got me. 480 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,640 And that was July 2nd. 481 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:41,640 And I truly believe that, believed sitting in those meetings 482 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:46,520 that I did not have what it took to stay sober. 483 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:50,320 Like strong enough, smart enough, anything enough 484 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,520 that I would be able to say no to alcohol 485 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,560 when I wanted to drink. 486 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,360 And I wanted to drink, the compulsion did not leave me 487 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:57,560 for a good six months. 488 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:01,040 And so I did what you told me to do. 489 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,120 I sat in meetings and I made the group 490 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,120 of Alcoholics Anonymous, whatever meeting I was in, 491 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,080 my higher power. 492 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,400 The, you know, G-O-D, group of drunks. 493 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,080 That was my first higher power because it worked. 494 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,760 I believed that you believed it. 495 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,480 I believed that you were smart enough. 496 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,280 I believe that you were strong enough 497 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,120 and that you guys had the light in your eyes 498 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:24,200 to end the big warm smiles and you got it. 499 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,880 And I just thought if I, you know, just keep showing up, 500 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,680 I'll feel like I'm strong enough to say no. 501 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,000 And I would say, you know, I'm just not gonna drink 502 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,600 until after the next meeting. 503 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:36,640 And I did that every day. 504 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,920 And I went to three meetings a day 505 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,760 and four on the Friday and Saturday. 506 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,680 I went to three and four meetings a day 507 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,120 for probably six, nine months. 508 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:50,600 And that's how I was able to not pick up that first drink. 509 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,480 And I believed it was a miracle. 510 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,440 I got a sponsor. 511 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,960 I jumped into the steps. 512 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,080 I got going. 513 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,240 I did what they did. 514 00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,720 I did what they told me to do. 515 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,040 It was all reasonable. 516 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,640 You know, like Ben was saying, 517 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,600 it seemed unreasonable at the time, but you know, 518 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,080 it was not anything that people didn't do 519 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,520 for their own sobriety. 520 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:09,480 That's what I got. 521 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:10,480 I came to know. 522 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,800 You know, they're telling me what to do, what they did. 523 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,720 And it really is monkey see, monkey do. 524 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,240 And I'm just another monkey on the bus. 525 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,080 And I did what they told me to do. 526 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,760 And I got involved in everything. 527 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,160 I got commitments and we had dances 528 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,600 and volleyball tournaments and retreats. 529 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:33,640 I got smack dab in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. 530 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,080 And being in the middle, it's a lot, 531 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,920 you're less likely to get picked off from the sides. 532 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,920 And I did learn that early on 533 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,760 and it hasn't changed since then. 534 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,720 I, you know, a couple of years go by, 535 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,480 AA boy meets AA girl. 536 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:51,040 I got AA married and we were married for 25 years. 537 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,000 Had two beautiful, we have two beautiful kids 538 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:58,600 and they're 30 something and 30 something else. 539 00:21:58,600 --> 00:21:59,440 - I put them on. 540 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,680 - Oh my goodness. 541 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,000 Yes, I had kids young in sobriety 542 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,120 and I have six grandchildren. 543 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:08,320 So, but, and I, and we were very involved. 544 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,840 My first husband and I were very involved. 545 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,880 And in AA, we just did everything 546 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,320 and it was good until it wasn't good. 547 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:20,080 And you know, the things that happened, you know, 548 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,840 it, you know, there's treated alcoholism 549 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,520 and there's untreated alcoholism. 550 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:28,040 And his, well I'll just say it, 551 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,640 his untreated alcoholism was really affecting 552 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,440 my treated alcoholism. 553 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,720 That's a nice way to say it. 554 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:39,720 And how it was affecting me was I was, 555 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,200 it was really affecting my emotional sobriety. 556 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:46,000 And emotional sobriety is very important 557 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,680 for my physical sobriety. 558 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,560 And you know, there's spiritual, emotional, mental 559 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:55,400 and physical and things were just going downhill 560 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,280 enough that all of a sudden I got a glimpse 561 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,040 that this really could affect my physical sobriety. 562 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:05,000 And that's where I said, no, I worked way too hard 563 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,760 to ever give up my physical sobriety. 564 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,600 So, you know, we got divorced. 565 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,000 That's the gist of it. 566 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,440 And after I got divorced, I was, you know, 567 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:17,480 it was like a new time in AA 568 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,880 and I got into a rebound relationship. 569 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:24,320 I highly don't recommend that. 570 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,920 Rebound relationships are wild and so much fun 571 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,600 until they're not. 572 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,560 And that's usually the case until they're not. 573 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,240 But after that, I got a different sponsor. 574 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,240 You know, every, anytime you're pointing your finger 575 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,200 at anybody, which, you know, I was, 576 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,880 I had three more pointing back at me 577 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:44,280 and my sponsor and I did a thorough inventory, 578 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,160 thorough fist step and looked at all my shortcomings 579 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,920 and defects of what I brought to the marriage 580 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,840 and what I was bringing to my life. 581 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:56,640 And, 'cause I really wanted to clean house. 582 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,560 I really wanted to clean the inside of the vessel. 583 00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:03,480 I didn't want that to ever occur again. 584 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:07,080 And I was just fully enmeshed in AA 585 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,880 and helping the newcomer and every crazy newcomer 586 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:11,560 that walked into the club. 587 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,400 I raised my hand, I gave them their number, 588 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,000 I got their number, I took, drove them to meetings 589 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,760 and I just was in the middle and I was free. 590 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,360 I had, I was free. 591 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,920 It was, I hadn't felt that great in a very long time 592 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,280 in my sobriety and it's number one and always has been. 593 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,400 AA and God, they're just right there for me. 594 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,920 And you know, the God of my understanding 595 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,480 really comes from the big book. 596 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,520 It's pretty simple language in the book. 597 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,040 Works for me and that's what I use. 598 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,280 I don't have to redefine it. 599 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:44,640 I don't have to define it. 600 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:45,960 It's just very simple. 601 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,000 I trust God no matter what. 602 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,840 Then I'm just minding my own business 603 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,640 and I in walks this man into my home group 604 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,840 and I started listening. 605 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:59,200 I was looking a lot, but I started listening 606 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,360 and I could tell he had long-term sobriety 607 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:04,960 and he loved the book, he knew the book, 608 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,200 he loved working with newcomers. 609 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:09,520 He had a, you know, God in his life. 610 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,280 He got sober in Orange County 611 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,960 and his work took him to Seattle. 612 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,440 And it was a good six months before we, you know, 613 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:19,720 went out to coffee and then once we had 614 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:23,480 that first cup of coffee though, game on. 615 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,240 We got married on 10, 11, 12, 616 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:30,360 'cause they're my favorite steps, over 11, 2012. 617 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:33,080 And we had a really good life. 618 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:37,280 We had a really good life and it was absolutely amazing. 619 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:39,240 It's the best decade of my life. 620 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,880 And cut to the chase, he passed away in April last year. 621 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,600 He had over 40 years of sobriety 622 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:50,240 and he had had Hep C and he had cirrhosis. 623 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,080 We thought it was eradicated. 624 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,440 And they said, you know, if you have cirrhosis, 625 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,720 there's 10% chance you could have liver cancer. 626 00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:00,000 And you know, we kind of laughed, like 10% chance. 627 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:00,840 (laughs) 628 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,080 Yeah, but he was in that 10% 629 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,800 and he was probably one of the best AAs 630 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:06,880 that I've ever known. 631 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,280 And he was a very humble man. 632 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:11,760 He did everything that you do in AA 633 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,480 and he did it quietly and he did it with a smile. 634 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:19,040 And he was like, every night of the week, 635 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,960 he was at a meeting and he picked up newcomers. 636 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:26,760 And we'd started a 7 a.m. meeting and a meditation meeting. 637 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,400 We'd always said, because he had had a long-term marriage 638 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,880 that didn't end well also. 639 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,920 And so we always believed that it was always God in AA, 640 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,640 'cause like I said, they're synonymous for us. 641 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:39,720 And so we started every day with that. 642 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:43,720 24-hour day book, three-minute meditation, very simple. 643 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,720 We didn't have to complicate it, but that's how we started. 644 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,880 And we had many, many wonderful adventures. 645 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:54,040 And so, you know, his company moved him to California 646 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,720 and I'm like, okay, Orange County, 647 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,120 I don't know about Orange County and I'm from the Valley. 648 00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:01,520 And you know, so, you know, I had long-term sobriety. 649 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,600 We both did, it was like 10 years ago. 650 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:08,440 And it's hard to go just start again in a home group. 651 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,000 But I'd already had a sponsor 652 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,560 that was a member of Pacific Group, 653 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:12,680 should you have to come up. 654 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,760 So I started going to Pacific Group thinking, 655 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,480 this is wild and crazy. 656 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,320 This is AA that I don't know. 657 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,280 I'm from small town. 658 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:24,200 But I started going and I fell in love with it. 659 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,000 To me, it kind of represented old school AA, 660 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,440 like my dad got sober. 661 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:33,760 Not the amount of people, but just the, you know, 662 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,600 the respect of Alcoholics Anonymous and their tradition. 663 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:36,560 So it worked for me. 664 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:40,600 Also, I go to Bellflower Big Book on a regular basis. 665 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:44,120 And you know, I go, I'm just a part of that group also. 666 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,920 That was his home group. 667 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,560 But so we come down here, 668 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:51,560 I get myself all hooked up into Southern California AA. 669 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:56,080 I swear it's kind of like being on steroids, AA on steroids. 670 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:57,800 'Cause it's not like that up there. 671 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:01,800 And so he says, let's go to the International 672 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,240 in Atlanta, Georgia. 673 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,640 So this like 2000, what, 15. 674 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:07,520 And I'm like, okay, sounds good. 675 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:08,720 I've been to several. 676 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:13,720 Lisa and I went to one in San Antonio, San Diego, Seattle. 677 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:17,120 You know, I love them, they're awesome. 678 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,760 So Jeff says, yeah, well, let's ride the bike. 679 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:21,840 Five minutes, thank you very much. 680 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:25,880 Let's ride the motorcycle from LA to the East Coast. 681 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,120 And I thought he was joking. 682 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:32,440 And he says, no, he had, you know, big cruiser Harley. 683 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,480 And I'm like, okay, so we took three weeks 684 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,760 and we started out every day on, you know, 685 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:42,160 with our 24-hour day book, daily reflections, 686 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:43,960 asking God to show us the way. 687 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:45,680 Who do you want us to meet today? 688 00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:48,000 Blah, blah, blah, keep us safe, blah, blah, blah. 689 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,720 Rode like 500 miles a day on a bike. 690 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:52,520 And it was the best three weeks of my life. 691 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:54,760 I loved it, I loved every minute of it. 692 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,400 Even, you know, some days one time 693 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:01,480 I fell asleep on the back of my head when we're home. 694 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:02,560 That was in Florida. 695 00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:06,920 But so then we get to the International. 696 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:10,200 It's just fantastic, it's an amazing experience. 697 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,000 The next one's gonna be in Vancouver. 698 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,280 Very close, West Coast, highly recommend it. 699 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:17,160 So we're riding back and we're going through like, 700 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:21,280 you know, like Oklahoma, Texas, tornado alley, Bible Belt, 701 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,780 you know, and Jeff's pushing it hard. 702 00:29:23,780 --> 00:29:27,460 And we had helmets with mics, you know, microphones, 703 00:29:27,460 --> 00:29:31,040 whatever you call those things, both, thank you. 704 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:33,720 And, but the sky's getting really dark 705 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,960 and Jeff's pushing hard to get to this next town. 706 00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:37,160 And we're in the middle of nowhere. 707 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:40,360 Sky's dark and all of a sudden it looks like 708 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:43,620 it's gonna downpour on us and the lightning's going. 709 00:29:43,620 --> 00:29:45,880 And it's like over here and it's over here. 710 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:50,040 And it's like now like 180 degrees and I'm freaking out. 711 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,080 And you know, I'm like, Jeff, Jeff, 712 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,860 Google says that we have to get off the bike 713 00:29:54,860 --> 00:29:55,800 in a lightning storm. 714 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,360 You have to get off the bike and you'll run into a field 715 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,760 and hunch over like a turtle. 716 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,800 Jeff, Jeff, do you hear me? 717 00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:04,160 Jeff, we gotta stop. 718 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:08,800 And Jeff's like, well, sorry it's going 120 miles an hour. 719 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:10,440 But we're like in the middle of nowhere, 720 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:11,920 like the Bible Belt, you know, 721 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:15,320 and you all of a sudden you'll see a big cross pop up, 722 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:18,680 you know, and all of a sudden I see this big billboard 723 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:22,200 and it says, are you ready to meet your maker? 724 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:23,040 (all laughing) 725 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:26,360 And I was like, is this figurative or literal, God? 726 00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:27,780 Not quite sure. 727 00:30:27,780 --> 00:30:30,160 And I'm scared, I'm really scared. 728 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,120 And I trusted Jeff with everything, 729 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,320 but I was scared at that moment. 730 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,560 And I thought I would take that moment 731 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:40,640 to really take an inventory, like do an assessment. 732 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:43,080 And it's like that old Rolodex, you know, 733 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:45,560 it's like I just went through every area of my life, 734 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,680 you know, work, kid, family, higher power, 735 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,240 sponsor, husband, everything. 736 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:53,360 I just kind of, you know, God. 737 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,280 And you know, I came up pretty clean. 738 00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:59,160 I came up, 'cause that's what 10's about, 739 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,880 the 10 steps about coming up clean. 740 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:03,380 Doesn't mean it's perfect. 741 00:31:03,380 --> 00:31:05,240 I am not perfect, I never will be, 742 00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:06,880 I don't work a perfect program, 743 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:10,520 but I try to do what the steps have laid out to do. 744 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:13,080 And I came up and I was free. 745 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:17,160 I was free and that's what I found in Alcoholics Anonymous, 746 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:18,880 that I can live free. 747 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:20,380 I don't have the monkey on my back. 748 00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:22,680 That's what I hope you find in AA too. 749 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:23,520 Thank you.