1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,400
 Thank you for inviting me to come and participate in your meeting and in my recovery it's good

2
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:07,400
 to be here.

3
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:10,400
 My sobriety date is February 3, 1991.

4
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,280
 My home group is the Pacific group.

5
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:16,800
 My sponsor is Duffy and I'm blessed and honored and privileged to be able to sponsor women

6
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:17,800
 today.

7
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,240
 That's not always been my story.

8
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:24,200
 I've done this perfectly imperfect, this journey, I was 20 years old when I landed here in Alcoholics

9
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,200
 Anonymous.

10
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,760
 Bear with me if I wiggle.

11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:31,400
 This is my first day actually sitting up, I pulled my back out on Sunday last week so

12
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,400
 I've been in bed all week.

13
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,200
 Thank God I work from home because you can like have zoom off and work from your bed

14
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,200
 propped up.

15
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:41,320
 So I'm going to do my best to not be distracting and wiggle up here.

16
00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:45,320
 Feels good to be here, it's just great coming out of the pandemic being able to be in person

17
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:52,480
 with people and you know share my recovery and welcome to those of you that are new.

18
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,520
 If you don't identify with something you hear it from me, please you know keep coming back

19
00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:00,520
 to different meetings and find your tribe, find your story.

20
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,240
 If you come here and you come all the way in and sit all the way down I promise you

21
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:07,200
 you will have a life beyond your wildest dreams.

22
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:11,960
 Not a perfect life, it's not unicorn and rainbows, we have life, we're human beings.

23
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,920
 But I landed here at 20 years old and I'm so grateful for that.

24
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:19,680
 I'm the youngest of four children, I was born and raised here, actually I was born in Panorama

25
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:25,380
 City, I was about six months old when we left the valley and moved to Thousand Oaks which

26
00:01:25,380 --> 00:01:28,560
 everyone thought we were crazy because there was nothing out there but literally thousands

27
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:33,520
 of oak trees and walnut trees and hills and horses and they all thought my parents were

28
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:37,480
 crazy why are you moving your family there and that's where I grew up and that's where

29
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:42,200
 I got sober and I'm the youngest of four, my siblings are all much older than me from

30
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,280
 six years to eleven and a half years older.

31
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:49,240
 You know I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood, my family looked nothing like

32
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:54,020
 the rest of the families around us, my mom was the breadwinner.

33
00:01:54,020 --> 00:02:01,400
 She's a Jewish blonde hair, blue eyed, 5'8" woman and my dad's Mexican, converted to Judaism,

34
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:05,580
 short, you know he worked throughout the years but he wasn't the breadwinner.

35
00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:10,100
 We didn't celebrate Christmas, we didn't put the lights up, we didn't have just two children,

36
00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:14,860
 we didn't have mom staying at home and dad going to work, nothing about my family looked

37
00:02:14,860 --> 00:02:15,860
 like anybody else.

38
00:02:15,860 --> 00:02:20,920
 None of that makes me an alcoholic but what now I know today from coming here and staying

39
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:25,840
 here and working the steps multiple times is that I believe for me I was born an alcoholic.

40
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:33,620
 The way I reacted to all the circumstances around me was just extra, it was just a lot.

41
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:38,240
 You know growing up I always heard you are way too sensitive, you are too fearful, quit

42
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:43,600
 crying and it's true like that's just the way I was from a very young age.

43
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:49,120
 I remember a really young age laying in bed and we had a two story house and I would lay

44
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:53,240
 there and think of all the things that could go wrong like if there's a fire how am I going

45
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:54,240
 to get out of here?

46
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,960
 If somebody breaks in and tries to kidnap me, if we were out and I was with my parents

47
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,760
 and a stranger looked at me I was convinced they were going to try and kidnap me and that's

48
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:06,120
 just how I always reacted to the world is how are you out to get me, how are you going

49
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,120
 to hurt me?

50
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:11,980
 You know it's just a really young age, I had a really busy mind and you know my parents

51
00:03:11,980 --> 00:03:15,600
 put me in therapy at a really young age, we had a pretty, you know it's not the worst

52
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,200
 of the families but it was a dysfunctional family.

53
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,680
 It was not a healthy family.

54
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:24,080
 If I was being raised today CPS would have been called on us, it was just a lot of stuff

55
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,580
 going on in that household.

56
00:03:26,580 --> 00:03:30,120
 Parents are still together today, they love me unconditionally, all four of us they've

57
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:34,140
 loved and supported us unconditionally, they did the best that they could with what they

58
00:03:34,140 --> 00:03:40,080
 were given and I'm grateful for that but it was not you know an ideal, idealic home to

59
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:44,560
 grow up in and there was a lot of chaos and things going on and I had an older brother

60
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:48,640
 who had a lot of problems from a really young age and you know he was shipped off somewhere

61
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:53,320
 and I had another sister that had medical stuff and she was in a hospital for a month

62
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:59,000
 and in a body cast and a grandmother at the same time you know was in a accident.

63
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,600
 So my parents were gone a lot and I was at the neighbor's house and again doesn't make

64
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:08,320
 me an alcoholic but all of these circumstances just added to my sense of always not feeling

65
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:12,780
 like I belong, not feeling like I was part of, not feeling like I was a deaf and so from

66
00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:18,840
 a really young age I just started to learn how to pick up things to lead my reality and

67
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:23,240
 so for me food was the thing I started with at a really young age, I'd eat until I was

68
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:27,760
 so uncomfortable and it was a thing I could control, I could control nothing else but

69
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:32,760
 I could control sneaking food or going to the neighbors and trying to you know fix myself

70
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:33,760
 and take care of myself.

71
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:38,220
 I didn't know any of that you know at that time, I just knew that you know I was the

72
00:04:38,220 --> 00:04:44,100
 only one in the family that was now a chubby child and the first time I took alcohol in

73
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:49,320
 was at a family friend's bar mitzvah and my siblings were all teenagers by then and I

74
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:53,000
 went around and drank all the half glasses and I just to this day remember I finally

75
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:57,280
 felt a part of, I felt like I could take a deep breath, I didn't know those things but

76
00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:01,360
 I just know that for the first time I felt cute, I felt funny, I felt accepted because

77
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:05,320
 my siblings and all their friends thought it was hilarious that this little six-year-old

78
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:10,280
 was drunk, my parents did not find it hilarious at all but I just remembered for the first

79
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:14,400
 time feeling like I was a part of and I just always wanted to feel connected and a part

80
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:19,480
 of and I never did and didn't drink from that you know it wasn't a drinker from six years

81
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:25,920
 old but I did start drinking regularly at about 11-12 years old, I have an October birthday

82
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:30,620
 so I was always the youngest in all my grades you know all the grades so I was in middle

83
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:34,520
 school about 11-12 years old and that's when I started drinking, I did what a lot of us

84
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:38,760
 go into at that age, I went into my parents liquor cabin and I got the mason jar, I put

85
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:42,200
 anything and everything in there because I have never been one to drink for the taste,

86
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:46,400
 it's always the effect and we got went to 7-11 with the girlfriends and we got the big

87
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:51,120
 goal and you know we just chugged and then we went to the community dance and you know

88
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:55,720
 what I've always loved about when alcohol comes in it quickly because I always drink

89
00:05:55,720 --> 00:06:01,120
 the hard stuff, it quickly shuts down the crazy upstairs, it quickly brings that glass

90
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:06,680
 wall that I've always lived with between me and you and I start feeling connected and

91
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:12,880
 I feel enough and I feel cute and that's just how I drink, by the time I was you know my

92
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:17,000
 parents I got in trouble in middle school so they sent decided that they were going

93
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:21,600
 to send their Jewish daughter to the Catholic all girls high school because that was going

94
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:27,320
 to save her and it didn't, I found my people there and they had access to a lot of money

95
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:32,720
 and houses that were empty because their parents were vacationing and so after two years of

96
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:37,240
 being there and doing a lot of partying you know I told my parents that if they didn't

97
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:41,640
 let me leave I was going to get kicked out and I learned at a really young age how to

98
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:46,640
 control my parents with you know anger, tears, whatever I can manipulate and I was they're

99
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:51,720
 tired man you know it's I'm the last of four and they're just tired so they just cave and

100
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:57,560
 they let me go to regular high school, public high school and without even trying within

101
00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,400
 like three months I got kicked out of there because they don't really like it when you

102
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:04,720
 don't attend, they do like you to attend because they like to get the money for you attending

103
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:09,440
 and you get consequences and so you know I like to go ditch school and go to county line

104
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:14,060
 and party and they didn't like that so I ended up going being sent to continuation high school

105
00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:21,680
 which today I see was a saving grace for me you know I got there and my junior year and

106
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,280
 I had a counselor there that just said you know you can do what you want with this you

107
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:29,320
 can come here and sit here and do nothing and you'll age out of it or you can come here

108
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:34,820
 you can apply yourself and you could if you wanted to get done in a year and I did that

109
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:39,640
 I just did that I still partied I ran away from home I did all these other things in

110
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:46,720
 that year but by the time you know I turned I graduated and then I turned 17 and then

111
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:50,920
 like a month later graduated and got done and I think if I hadn't landed there I would

112
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:56,080
 have probably not finished high school and so by the time I was 17 I'm out of high school

113
00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,640
 and my sibling right above me is now over 21 and so what do I do I steal her driver's

114
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:05,200
 license and I'm out of high school and my parents said you can live here you just need

115
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:12,140
 to get a job so I had a fake ID I they got my parents got me a car at 17 so I had a car

116
00:08:12,140 --> 00:08:16,960
 I'm still living at home mom and dad you know just want me to just get a job they're thrilled

117
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:22,520
 their last of four three girls and one boy their last of four has graduated and none

118
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:27,920
 of us got pregnant none of us got arrested well the girls didn't get arrested and we

119
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:32,560
 graduated and so they were just like do what you want and so that's what I did I you know

120
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:38,400
 I made sure that nothing was going to come between me and me being able to get my alcohol

121
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:42,920
 my sister has green eyes and I don't so I went and bought contacts that were not contacts

122
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:47,400
 with any prescription but just changed my eye color and I remember how painful it was

123
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:52,560
 but I was like determined though I was going to get used to those contacts because I was

124
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:58,340
 not going to have because I knew all the information on ID we look pretty similar and so I just

125
00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:03,360
 laugh at that still today though the lengths that we alcohols will go to to be able to

126
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:09,520
 secure access to our alcohol because I needed that that is what allowed me to be able to

127
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:14,320
 be amongst the rest of the world and shut down the crazy that was going on upstairs

128
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:20,120
 always and so my drinking from 17 until I got sober at 20 well I worked in bars I cocktail

129
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:25,680
 waitress I waitress and you know I go to work I work in the restaurants and then I you know

130
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:30,340
 go with my fake ID and my girlfriends and we go to bars and I you know go in there and

131
00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:35,960
 immediately you know chugged down along the Long Island iced tea shots as quick as I could

132
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,640
 to shut down the brain and I'd scan the room to find the man that was going to be you know

133
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:43,860
 my target for the night you know and then I'd wake up and not know who I was with where

134
00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:50,120
 I was how I got there you know I'd have that guilt shame or remorse of the night before

135
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:54,840
 I feel horrible and sick and you know and then rinse repeat and I just kept doing that

136
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:59,360
 and doing that still living at home not a lot of responsibilities not much expected

137
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:05,640
 of me and you know what happened for me was I got engaged at 19 years old and we were

138
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:09,620
 engaged for about five months and he broke it off and that happens to a lot of people

139
00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:15,480
 and I have no idea why but for me in that moment when he ended it with me it just broke

140
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:21,440
 me and I got really depressed and really suicidal I was in therapy twice a week I'm still living

141
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:27,040
 at home my mom I remember would like she was in sales so she drove around a lot and she

142
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:31,160
 tried to you know convince me and take me with her on road trips and stuff because they

143
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:35,960
 were really worried to leave me home alone and uh you know I I was not real honest but

144
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:40,680
 I was a little honest with that therapist about some of what was going on um she took

145
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:44,960
 me and tried to get me checked into like a dual diagnosis place and you know it was you

146
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:50,560
 know in 90 in 1990 so their treatment wasn't what it is now they rejected me they didn't

147
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:54,840
 take my insurance and so I'm grateful I like I I didn't get to Alcoholics Anonymous to

148
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:59,000
 treatment I got to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was willing to talk about some other issues

149
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:03,920
 I was having and she sent me to a 12-step meeting it was an Alcoholics Anonymous but

150
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:09,040
 they read um you know portion of chapter three and for the first time I had what I now know

151
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:15,680
 is identification those those words in that page on those pages I can relate to and identify

152
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:20,380
 I always surrounded myself with people who also were drinkers um but they were the ones

153
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:23,960
 that were like waking up and drinking in the morning and I wasn't I'm a binge blackout

154
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:28,480
 drinker um I'm still living at home so it's like you know pretty easy to be able to I'm

155
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:32,680
 being taken care of and you know I'm working at restaurants and such so I didn't have you

156
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:37,880
 know a lot to lose when I got here um but what I I did do was there was another woman

157
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:42,440
 in that meeting that I knew was um also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I had a

158
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:47,480
 moment of grace where that window of willingness opened up and she was there and identified

159
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:51,360
 in that moment with those pages and for the first like I always knew there was something

160
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:55,400
 wrong with me like I told you my parents had me in therapy at a really young age I always

161
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:59,360
 knew something was wrong but I never knew what it was and I was so afraid that you were

162
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:04,440
 gonna find out how crazy I was that I was only willing to be a little honest and um

163
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:08,040
 I went up to her and she took me to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and oh I loved you guys

164
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:12,280
 from the moment I met you because you guys were up here talking about all the things

165
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:17,040
 that I kept secret all the thing the thoughts the feelings the actions that I didn't talk

166
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,900
 with anybody else that I was doing and you were talking about them and you were laughing

167
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:26,240
 about them um I loved that um you know that moment of grace just came into my life and

168
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:31,440
 I was willing to be honest in that moment when people were there with their hands reached

169
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:36,120
 up to me and you know telling me to come all the way in and sit all the way down and um

170
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:41,000
 you know there was just a group of women that that pulled me in and I love that you guys

171
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:45,320
 gave me a job you said we give you commitments here and I love that because it allowed me

172
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:50,280
 to feel like it was okay for me to be here I was 20 years old when I got here and in

173
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:54,800
 1991 there was not a lot of young people in Thousand Oaks there were some but not a lot

174
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:58,900
 um but I heard a couple of things when I first came here one was that it did not matter how

175
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:03,200
 much I drank or what I drank it's what happened to me when I drank and I also heard that you

176
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:07,240
 know pay attention to the similarities and not the differences um I don't know why I

177
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,680
 was able to hear that and take that in and do that because I you know I was rebellious

178
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:15,400
 little girl when I got here who thought she knew better um but I was able to hear that

179
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:19,960
 and take that in I got a sponsor um I was really I was did a pretty good job my first

180
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,680
 year you know I got a sponsor I worked the steps all the way through first time that

181
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:28,000
 I like felt like I really like started something and finished something it was following direction

182
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,920
 and I started feeling different I started feeling a part of I started feeling some of

183
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:36,800
 that sense of that glass wall that was between me and you coming down when I was having fun

184
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,900
 and interacting with people it was the coolest thing because it was real and I knew it wasn't

185
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:45,480
 just because of what was in my system or in their system like I was having real interactions

186
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:50,000
 with people um and I knew that I didn't have to the next day had guilt shame or remorse

187
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:55,680
 um for having a good time for what I was doing and um so I'm you know 20 years old I'm sober

188
00:13:55,680 --> 00:14:01,300
 and I get this wild uh idea in my head and it probably was about maybe six or eight months

189
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:05,280
 sober and if I was gonna stay sober I couldn't stay here in California I needed to move away

190
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:10,340
 I have no idea why um I don't know why it came into into my brain or into my being um

191
00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:14,520
 I talked with my sponsor about it and you know I agreed I wasn't gonna do anything for

192
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:19,840
 my first year of sobriety um but I did start just like um trying to figure out you know

193
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:23,680
 how what would I do where would I go and I decided I was gonna move to Oregon I'd been

194
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:27,760
 to Oregon once when I was 12 years old my aunt and uncle lived on the coast in Oregon

195
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:32,320
 and I decided um I was gonna move to Eugene Oregon I had never been there um I I sold

196
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:37,160
 it to my parents behind the guise of like I'll go to college when I go there and so

197
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:43,160
 um you know about a year sober we went up there um I went to meetings I found a place

198
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:48,960
 to live I met a woman I got her name and number um started calling her I still had my sponsor

199
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:54,120
 here I came back here um and then my you know my parents helped me pack up and after a year

200
00:14:54,120 --> 00:15:00,360
 of sobriety I moved up there and um you know started working with that sponsor and um you

201
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:04,680
 know I'm kind of surprised I stayed sober the first few years I was up there because

202
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:10,280
 um you know I I got plugged into meetings and then I got a job in a restaurant and then

203
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:15,920
 um I was still going to meetings but my life was getting far more like um surrounded by

204
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,840
 all the people I was working with in the restaurants and none of them were sober um but I did I

205
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:25,960
 stayed sober um I eventually did go get into college and I went to college um and you know

206
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:32,360
 I I ended up graduating college and through that journey um I was doing a lot of fellowship

207
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:36,760
 and I was going to meetings and I'd have a sponsor and then I'd get a new sponsor and

208
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:40,980
 I kind of worked steps a little bit I get in a little bit of pain and I just started

209
00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:46,800
 this this cycle for myself of thinking that um alcohol was my problem right not really

210
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:52,440
 understanding what alcoholism was really about and so I assumed that you guys all came to

211
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,720
 meetings and got sober and you were happy Joyce and free because you went to school

212
00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:01,280
 and you you know got a career and you got a husband and you got a house and so I just

213
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:06,780
 did a lot of that I came to meetings um I did a lot of half measures um I graduated

214
00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:12,080
 college and you know the year I was graduating college I also decided that that was the year

215
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:16,240
 I was going to meet a man and I was going to marry somebody um it was not going to be

216
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:20,100
 an alcoholic because I didn't want to you know get involved with somebody who could

217
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:24,480
 relapse and then they relapsed my life would fall apart not like oh how sad that would

218
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:28,760
 be for them that they relapsed it was again all about me and how it was going to affect

219
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:33,080
 me and I'm gonna I'm being the director and I'm you know playing all the parts and I'm

220
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:37,580
 orchestrating and I'm managing and um you know and I'm when I set my mind to something

221
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:43,760
 good or bad it happens a lot of times it happens and so I did that I graduated college I met

222
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:50,880
 him um he was not an alcoholic um he was a really kind sweet man that I knew would um

223
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:55,500
 never leave me never hurt me I also knew deep down that I wasn't in love with him um but

224
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:59,840
 I thought well that'll come and he'll never hurt me and he'll never leave me and he had

225
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:05,520
 um a six and a half month old baby and a two and a half year old um he was divorced and

226
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:09,620
 um it was a ready-made family so it's another thing to check off my list I've graduated

227
00:17:09,620 --> 00:17:15,780
 I've got my bachelor's degree I've got a career now I've got the man um he has the kids um

228
00:17:15,780 --> 00:17:20,180
 and so we're off we're off on our merry way and you know I have a career now we buy a

229
00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:25,760
 house you know and all the all the way you know I'm I'm going to meetings I'm I'm doing

230
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:30,640
 a lot of fellowship I find myself working in treatment I try to avoid doing that um

231
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:35,200
 but I ended up working in the recovery field um and for me that was not a good thing what

232
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:41,520
 that did me did for me was it allowed me to have an excuse um to to stop doing a lot of

233
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:46,440
 the things that really are the treatment to my alcoholism and um you know before you know

234
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:50,680
 what we've been married a few years we go through a custody battle the kids end up coming

235
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:55,960
 and living with us my life is just really chaotic with a lot of stuff going on um we

236
00:17:55,960 --> 00:18:01,320
 spend a lot of money um because you know I'm still an alcoholic that is not treating herself

237
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:06,280
 with the steps and with the sponsor and so I don't know this is what I'm doing but what

238
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,960
 I'm doing is you know we're spending a lot of money and then we go through bankruptcy

239
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:15,440
 um and then we you know get ourselves out of that and so long story short is you know

240
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:20,480
 I I've stayed here and I've stayed sober and I've suffered from alcoholism a lot throughout

241
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:24,900
 the years without having a drop of alcohol in me and what that looks like is bankruptcy

242
00:18:24,900 --> 00:18:30,540
 what that looked like for me was at 11 years of sobriety I was 307 pounds um and so it's

243
00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:34,100
 like I don't even realize that's what I'm doing I don't even realize that I'm dying

244
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:38,820
 on the vine and I get in enough pain and I get another sponsor and I you know start working

245
00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:43,240
 the steps again and I find a new meeting and I just do a lot of that and then before you

246
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:50,000
 know it you know we I'm at 19 years of sobriety and um you know I've changed careers I'm no

247
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:55,520
 longer working in treatment and um you know at 19 years of sobriety I'm going through

248
00:18:55,520 --> 00:19:00,760
 a horrible dry drunk and I don't know I did great at this job and I was like the star

249
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:05,880
 and I'm getting all these accolades and I'm you know moving up in this new job and then

250
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,600
 all of a sudden things start shifting and I don't realize I'm going crazy from then

251
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,320
 side up and all of a sudden I'm paranoid and I'm thinking oh my god they're gonna find

252
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:19,880
 out that I really can't do this job I'm miserable in my marriage um because again I've you know

253
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:24,240
 self-reliance again I'm taking people places and things and trying to you know they're

254
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:28,620
 my problem and they're my solution and um you know by 19 years of sobriety I haven't

255
00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:33,520
 gone to a meeting in a year I didn't go get my coin I'm miserable in my marriage and um

256
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:39,100
 that guy that I was engaged to when I was 19 years um 19 years old we stayed in touch

257
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:43,120
 on and off and he got sober in rooms alcohol synonymous and he calls me up and he's like

258
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:48,560
 on fire and he's so excited and he how many sponsors do you have what's your home group

259
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:53,000
 how many mutants you're going to and I'm doing none of that but the blessing in that is that

260
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,520
 I experienced that magic that happens that language of the heart when one alcoholic talks

261
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:02,460
 to another and all of a sudden like that little ember that's almost out inside of me starts

262
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:08,960
 lighting up and um you know I ended up spending way too much time talking to him um and really

263
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:14,120
 using him as a support and that's not something that I recommend or that we recommend that

264
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:19,880
 we do um in the rooms but what did come from that was that you know he really was able

265
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:25,720
 to help me um just get willing to go back to meetings and to um to reach out to that

266
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:30,040
 old sponsor I hadn't talked to for quite a few years um you know and I was a pain when

267
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:35,340
 she sponsored me I was not an easy sponsey um and I called her up and I left her a blubbering

268
00:20:35,340 --> 00:20:40,320
 message at nine o'clock at night and um and she you know later told me that she was like

269
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:44,560
 not excited to hear the message but she did what we do she called me back the next day

270
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:50,000
 and um so I got honest with her and started going back to meetings I started working with

271
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:54,440
 her she didn't take me back right away um she would say things like do this read this

272
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:59,460
 um call me tomorrow at this time and I just kept doing that putting putting together days

273
00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:04,080
 of doing that and following through and she'd tell me things like go to work find something

274
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:08,280
 to do for somebody else that they don't know that you're doing and don't tell anybody you're

275
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:12,800
 doing it if they find out then you gotta do it again I think you did it oh my god we're

276
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:18,240
 back to this um you know and she go go to meetings and you know find new people to be

277
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:23,740
 of service to and I would say to her I'm I'm too crazy to like sponsor people I don't want

278
00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:27,280
 to sponsor people she said oh no you're too sick I don't want anything that you have right

279
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:32,800
 now I just want you to take them to meetings you know just say yes go and be be a part

280
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:36,800
 of and be of service and so I just did a lot of that she eventually did take me back and

281
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,480
 let's speed up because I'm running out of time it's hard to tell 32 years in a little

282
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:45,040
 bit of time but what happened was that we worked the steps again and she said um I will

283
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:49,160
 take you back we're gonna work the steps again and I need you to promise me that you're gonna

284
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,960
 stay in that marriage for a year and you're gonna work the steps and you're not gonna

285
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,800
 leave that marriage until you've worked the steps and you've stayed one year um so that

286
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:01,880
 we know that that's really what God needs and wants for you rather than um than you

287
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:07,560
 doing that to escape and I want you to know I'm a hundred percent confident that his name

288
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:12,880
 was Jeff that Jeff is not your soul mate so you're not allowed to run off and leave the

289
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:16,960
 marriage to go be with that person um because I'm sure that's what you're thinking and she's

290
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,560
 right I was thinking that because that's what we do you know it feels good to connect with

291
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,600
 somebody else because I'm miserable over here um and you know another one of those moments

292
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:29,760
 of grace like thank goodness that you know grace had come into my heart and came over

293
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:35,560
 me and I was willing to recognize she was my lifeline to God and to be staying sober

294
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:41,120
 and I did that and um you know a lot of magical things happened in that year um the fourth

295
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:46,680
 step that I did was was a four step like one I'd never done before through that four step

296
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:52,800
 you know when I started working with her again and I agreed to stay um I hated my life I

297
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:57,860
 blamed my husband I was very resentful and angry at him and the life that I was in and

298
00:22:57,860 --> 00:23:02,440
 after doing that fourth step and that fifth step I was able to recognize where I set that

299
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:07,200
 ball rolling when I married a man and took him and his kids hostage to make me feel whole

300
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:12,440
 and better that's where I set that ball rolling um when I was the one that was you know ruling

301
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,880
 the roost and you know making all the rules of the household and doing all the things

302
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:21,960
 I'm the one who put myself in that position and didn't allow him to be a participant in

303
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,520
 that marriage and um I did end up leaving that marriage that was the right thing and

304
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:31,480
 I never looked back I never thought oh is this right or this wrong because I took my

305
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:36,160
 sponsor's direction and guidance and I I did the steps all the way through again and saw

306
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:41,320
 that also what happened in doing that fourth and fifth step was that that anger that resentment

307
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:45,840
 and that blame towards him it melted away and it never came back and you know so many

308
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:50,680
 things happened in in the experience of working the steps but the biggest thing that happened

309
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:55,920
 for me was I got to have a spiritual experience because of working the steps I got to have

310
00:23:55,920 --> 00:24:00,360
 a psychic change and a personality change um that allowed me to be a different human

311
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:04,180
 being in this world and it allowed me to have a different experience and for Alcoholics

312
00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:08,280
 Anonymous to become a new again um so many things have happened I left that marriage

313
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:15,800
 in 2011 we were divorced in 2012 um you know I got very active and busy in my home group

314
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:21,560
 um I ended up moving to Portland and my home group was West Portland group um I ended up

315
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:26,480
 you know having a really big life sponsoring a lot of women being very active I had a career

316
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,500
 that I worked for the state of Oregon for 10 years and then you know what happened is

317
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:35,360
 a little whisper came in that I really wanted to ignore and um it was that my parents were

318
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:40,040
 aging none of my siblings none of us lived in the state of California I was finding myself

319
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:44,680
 coming here more because they were getting older and um you know and a thought came to

320
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:48,040
 me of god I think I'm gonna have to be the one to move back there and then I thought

321
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:52,840
 god no I don't want to go away I don't want that thought and then you know before I knew

322
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:57,120
 it that thought that I kept trying to reject started really weighing on my heart and it

323
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:01,360
 started really becoming something I thought maybe I really do need to do this and I just

324
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:06,060
 started talking to my sponsor and she said do nothing just pay attention just pay attention

325
00:25:06,060 --> 00:25:10,240
 do nothing right now and so I did that and you know what happens is when god has worked

326
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:16,880
 for us to do walls come down and then impossible happens quickly and like swiftly um you know

327
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:24,320
 and I applied for uh opportunity for a leadership opportunity a leadership um academy type thing

328
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:29,880
 and I was accepted and um you know I met a woman and she said she was my mentor and she

329
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,300
 said well why don't you see yourself in five years and I didn't know this at the time that

330
00:25:33,300 --> 00:25:37,720
 she had a agency here in California and I said well you know I think probably at some

331
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,720
 point I'm gonna move back to California I don't know how because you know I had this

332
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:45,280
 career and I'm not gonna just leave this career and um so you know after working with her

333
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:49,240
 for a few months you know three months later um she had one of her directors reach out

334
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:53,400
 to me and they uh recruited me and they flew me to California and they interviewed me they

335
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:59,160
 offered me a job three days later and you know I let go of that 10 year you know invested

336
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:04,640
 you know public service employee of the state of Oregon and I I said yes and so within a

337
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:09,200
 month's time I packed up my world and I moved back here and I lived with my parents for

338
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:14,040
 four months it helped them sell their house um that was hard to go back you know after

339
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:18,640
 you know in your 40s I had lived with them for a long time and um I'm still in that career

340
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:24,000
 I'm still at that agency um I'm really grateful that that job landed in my lap like I did

341
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,000
 because it was a really hard job for a good two years but I knew that God brought me there

342
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:33,760
 for a reason I knew God brought me here for a reason and um you know and I moved back

343
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:38,680
 here seven years ago and um a lot's gone on in that seven years we've all lived through

344
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:44,560
 a pandemic um and you know just to give you a glimpse of what God does and so that job

345
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:49,040
 was in Orange County and I lived in Orange County up until four years ago and my mom

346
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:54,360
 kept having a lot of medical stuff and I started feeling that whisper again and I was like

347
00:26:54,360 --> 00:27:00,040
 I'm gonna have to move closer and I went to my boss part of our our organization um a

348
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:04,260
 lot of people lived all over the United States worked virtually but if you lived close you

349
00:27:04,260 --> 00:27:07,720
 had to be in the office and I went to my boss and just said I feel like I'm gonna need to

350
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,800
 move closer to my parents what what do you think about that and she said well if that

351
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:16,640
 really becomes a you gotta do it let's talk about it and literally a month later I got

352
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:20,360
 back from a business trip with my landlord called me and said hey I'm selling the condo

353
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:24,760
 you're living in and you're gonna have to move within like 60 days and she called my

354
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:28,920
 boss and I said well I have to move so I guess I'm moving to LA what do you think and she's

355
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:34,480
 like well let's go talk to the you know the head head leadership and so I went in and

356
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:39,320
 you know that Monday morning I went in and I talked to them and they within you know

357
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:44,940
 half an hour they said yes sure you can become a remote worker and can you be out by next

358
00:27:44,940 --> 00:27:48,680
 week because we need your office because there's another person coming in I was like so it's

359
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:52,120
 like you know when God has worked for us to do it happens and so you're like within two

360
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:56,800
 months time I found a place and I moved um to Sherman Oaks and my parents were living

361
00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:01,700
 in Thousand Oaks at the time and that was 2019 thank you Lord thank you Lord for that

362
00:28:01,700 --> 00:28:06,200
 because it gave me a year to acclimate to working remotely and working from home I was

363
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:10,400
 scared I didn't know how it was gonna look um it brought me here where my parents were

364
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:17,920
 and um on March 1st of 2020 my mom um had gotten really sick and um just with the respiratory

365
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:22,160
 thing I don't know maybe it was COVID we didn't know at that time but she kept falling and

366
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:26,840
 she was confused and so we took her back and the ER did a scan and they found she had water

367
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:31,920
 and building up in her brain she got admitted to the hospital on March 1st um she ended

368
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:36,120
 up getting diagnosed with hydrocephalus and she had brain surgery she was at the hospital

369
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:40,520
 and was really released on March 19th the same day that we all shut down still get emotional

370
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:44,920
 big but you know you don't realize you know my dad can't couldn't drive anymore either

371
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:49,640
 and so I was doing a lot of everything for them and um and it wasn't fun a lot of the

372
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:54,960
 times um but my sponsor has taught me that you know I gotta just find a way to accept

373
00:28:54,960 --> 00:29:00,240
 the role that God has assigned me today and so that's what I've done and um you know the

374
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:05,400
 state of California and the DMV and all their wisdom um decided my mom could have her license

375
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:10,320
 back the doctor signed off on it and I thought well she won't pass the written test and dang

376
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:14,580
 it she did she won't pass the driving test dang it she did so I don't think she should

377
00:29:14,580 --> 00:29:18,920
 be out there driving but she's out there driving so I say that because you know my parents

378
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:23,440
 are in their 80s and they're still alive they're still married they're actually in San Francisco

379
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:28,800
 right now um for a weekend with with one of my siblings and um you know and there's a

380
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:34,040
 lot of challenges and it's not always fun but alcohol synonymous has given me a design

381
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:39,560
 for living um for me to be able to weather and um be the best version of me if I'm doing

382
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:44,720
 the deal with you know on a daily basis um and sometimes not daily to be quite honest

383
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:48,360
 you know like we all have those there's times right now I'm in one of those times I'm not

384
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:53,120
 feeling super connected to God right now but it's okay because it's like a wave out there

385
00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:56,900
 I trust to know that strength and the wetness of the wave is going to come crashing back

386
00:29:56,900 --> 00:30:01,360
 and I'm going to feel it again as long as I stay here I stay connected to my sponsor

387
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:05,920
 I go to my meetings I work with the women that God's blessed me with to walk this journey

388
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:11,080
 with and I you know wake up every day and I don't put substances into my body then I

389
00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:15,580
 know that again I'm going to feel that connection to God and that I'm grateful that I get to

390
00:30:15,580 --> 00:30:22,420
 have a design for living I think we were probably the best human beings on this planet to weather

391
00:30:22,420 --> 00:30:28,080
 a pandemic we were up and running and on zoom and connecting was it what we wanted no but

392
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:32,480
 we were able to do it and I'm so grateful for that and they I'm so grateful for all

393
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:37,680
 helps anonymous for being here with all of you um welcome if you're new um and please

394
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:41,360
 just stay it's so much better to just stay