1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,820 - Hi, my name is Debra Pacheco and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,820 --> 00:00:05,200 I'm really glad to be here. 3 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:06,940 I'm really grateful that I'm sober. 4 00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:09,940 I wanna thank Karen for coming in and for inviting me 5 00:00:09,940 --> 00:00:11,420 to come out and share my experience, 6 00:00:11,420 --> 00:00:12,740 strength and hope with you. 7 00:00:12,740 --> 00:00:15,280 You know, I wanna thank Nancy, right? 8 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:19,060 Nancy for doing 10 minutes. 9 00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,860 You know, that was really the meeting 10 00:00:20,860 --> 00:00:23,120 that I came here for, you know. 11 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,980 I have a sobriety date, it's April the 19th, 2000. 12 00:00:25,980 --> 00:00:28,360 My home group is the Bellflower Big Book Group. 13 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,280 We meet every night, 14 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:34,480 but the group itself meets on Monday night. 15 00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:37,160 So if you're ever in the neck of the woods, give me a call 16 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:38,880 and we would love to have you. 17 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,780 We would love to have you. 18 00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:45,780 My sponsor is Hilda F and I'm grateful for that. 19 00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:48,360 Good thing about it is she knows she's my sponsor. 20 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,040 She's in Georgia right now. 21 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,680 However, she knows that I'm here with you guys. 22 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,640 I know there's no one identified that they were new, 23 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,520 but if you're sitting there and you are new 24 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,280 or are you getting ready to be new again, you know, 25 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,440 I wanna encourage you to just stay 26 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,160 and to welcome you if you're new. 27 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,120 I'm a little, I don't normally be sitting, 28 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,320 but we're gonna get through this. 29 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,840 I wanna say hello to the Zoom people. 30 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:15,160 It was really fun listening as you guys chat, you know, 31 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,920 so that was a interesting conversation, you know. 32 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,360 But you know, I'm sitting here 33 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:22,200 and I have some people looking at me. 34 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,960 Everybody on Zoom is looking at me, you know, 35 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,100 and I don't know, I don't know, you guys don't do this, 36 00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:27,920 but this type of person that I am. 37 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:30,740 My home group has about 350 people in it. 38 00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:32,480 And when the speaker goes to the podium, 39 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,620 now trust me, none of you guys do this. 40 00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:37,320 This is just me, you know, I'm kinda, it's thank you. 41 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:38,160 How did you know? 42 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,160 You're on time. 43 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,920 No one else does this, only me. 44 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,720 When the speaker, you know, I'm 23 years sober 45 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,180 and I did this last week. 46 00:01:45,180 --> 00:01:48,560 When the speaker goes to the podium, I look at the speaker. 47 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,760 The speaker has not even told me their name 48 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:53,480 and I start making up stuff in my head. 49 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,360 That's just me, nobody else does that. 50 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,680 I make up a whole story about the speaker before I hear it. 51 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,440 So I know no one else does that, 52 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,240 but I wanna let you know, if there's that one person 53 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,680 in the back that has done that, 54 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,640 maybe had that little quick thought. 55 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,180 Whatever you thinking about the woman you see sitting here, 56 00:02:11,180 --> 00:02:13,480 you know, tonight, you need to lower down 57 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,840 a couple expectations because the woman you see 58 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:18,640 is not the woman that walked into alcohol and tsunami. 59 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:23,440 The woman you see today is a direct result of a loving God, 60 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:27,400 the 12 step and very strong sponsorship, you know? 61 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:31,600 And if we had someone here, next time you see Demetrius, 62 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,280 ask him if I'm telling the truth, you know? 63 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,580 Because he was in the room back when I walked in, you know? 64 00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:39,740 Karen asked me to come here and share with you 65 00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:41,300 in a general way what I was like, 66 00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:43,280 what happened to me and what I'm like today. 67 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,880 I'm from Louisiana, I'm from a little small town 68 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,080 in Louisiana in the center of the boot. 69 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:51,080 You know, the population had, I don't know, 70 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,960 when I grew up, maybe I'm gonna give it to high end, 71 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,160 3000 people, you know? 72 00:02:56,160 --> 00:03:00,280 Now I'm sitting with you guys and I'm telling you a story 73 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,720 that I found out since I've gotten sober, 74 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,660 there were eight siblings, you know? 75 00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:07,060 And at some of these things, we tape it 76 00:03:07,060 --> 00:03:10,160 and they've had the opportunity to hear the tape 77 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,120 and they're looking at me and they are convinced 78 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,660 that what I'm going to tell you tonight didn't happen, okay? 79 00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:19,200 But I wanna tell you, those are the seven people, 80 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,160 they're not alcoholic, you know? 81 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:25,940 This is my story, my perception on what really went on. 82 00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:28,480 When I grew up, I grew up, you know, it was eight of us 83 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,320 and I grew up and we were poor, you know? 84 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,540 And when I say we was poor, you know, 85 00:03:32,540 --> 00:03:35,140 sometime I would run home from school 86 00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:38,000 and the lights would be off, you know? 87 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,480 Because at my house, they didn't have any big bay windows 88 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:44,440 with the lights flowing through the window, you know? 89 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,880 What we had to do is to turn on the light to see. 90 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,760 And I would pull the string and turn on the light 91 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,440 and the light wouldn't come on and then I would look 92 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,300 and I would see extension cords running out of the window 93 00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:56,680 over to the neighbor's house. 94 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,740 I grew up during the era of Barbie Dolls, 95 00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:00,880 there are eight kids, you know, 96 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,140 my parents didn't have money for Barbie Dolls. 97 00:04:03,140 --> 00:04:05,760 And what I used to do in Louisiana at that time, 98 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,440 corn was the crop, you know? 99 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,240 And corn grew, you know, corn comes on the cotton. 100 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,320 Maybe there's two people in this room that remember, 101 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,560 Coca Cola used to have a glass bottle. 102 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:18,080 And the glass bottle had an indentation in it. 103 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,640 And what I used to do is I used to run in the corn field 104 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,000 and I would get a stalk of corn and what I would do, 105 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,120 I'd come back, corn comes on the cob, you know? 106 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,480 And it had some silky stuff at the end. 107 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,400 And what I used to do is break the top of the corn carb off 108 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,640 and I would put it in the mouth of the bottle 109 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,360 and I would get some scrap material 110 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:36,600 and that would be my doll. 111 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,360 I know, sounds bad, but I'm 23 years 112 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:43,680 into Alcoholics Anonymous, I now own Barbie. 113 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,800 I got Barbie Black, I got Barbie White, 114 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,120 I have a Puerto Rican body, you know? 115 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,600 If you're new, I wanna tell you your wildest dream 116 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,560 or my wildest dream has come true, you know, 117 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,280 in the problem of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know? 118 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,160 I'm one of those kids, you know? 119 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:02,680 I guess you would say that I live up to my expectation. 120 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,160 I know some of you guys grew up going to Europe, 121 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,320 going to Cancun, going to London, you know? 122 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:12,640 I'm 16 years old and the only place I had ever gone 123 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,480 was from my parents' house in Louisiana 124 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,560 to my grandparents' house in Mississippi. 125 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,400 Those states are side by side. 126 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,920 But at 16 years old, I had the opportunity 127 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,840 to go away to a university with adults, you know? 128 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:29,880 And oh, I forgot to tell you guys where my first drink. 129 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,600 See, I forget because, you know, 130 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,200 if I knew I was gonna be the speaker 131 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,960 at the quality of life, when I took my first drink, 132 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,920 I would have said, oh, let me write this down. 133 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,320 This is my first drink. 134 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,280 I didn't aspire to be your speaker. 135 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,320 Okay, so I was maybe, you know, 15 years old. 136 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,640 I didn't know, I'm saying I was 15 years old. 137 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:48,560 I'm speaking tonight. 138 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,520 I'm gonna be 15 years old 139 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,880 when I took my very first drink of alcohol. 140 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,880 Sit in a lot of meetings and I know everybody, you know, 141 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,480 has their story on what happened that first drink. 142 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,640 What I remember about that drink was the bottle was green. 143 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,040 There were five of us girls 144 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,680 and the bottle was just going around, you know? 145 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,760 And my hair, you know, I drank from the bottle. 146 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,040 My hair didn't become blue. 147 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,520 My, you know, my hair, my eyes didn't become blue. 148 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,000 My hair didn't become blonde 149 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,040 and I didn't skip off the skid row. 150 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,120 But I tell you what I did get from drinking. 151 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,080 I remember when I did my inventory 152 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,680 and I look back on that day, 153 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:26,040 I remember I felt like I was a part of those five girls. 154 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,000 And when I look in hindsight, you know, 155 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,200 I realized that I was always seeking the feeling 156 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,240 of being a part of. 157 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:37,000 Today, I know I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 158 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,160 I am a part of this thing, you know? 159 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,360 And that's the feeling that I had seeked all my life. 160 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,640 You know, but I'm 16 years old 161 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,720 and I go away to this university with these adults. 162 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,200 And at 16 years old, I remember I came home 163 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,960 and, you know, I remember I told my, 164 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,040 I had to tell my father that I was pregnant. 165 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,000 Now today, that wouldn't be a problem 166 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,320 'cause nobody would have to know. 167 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,200 But in those days, that was not something you could have. 168 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,840 And I remember I came home and I told my father that 169 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,480 and my father looked at me and told me 170 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,560 I had shamed the family, you know? 171 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,760 And that, you know, some 16 years old 172 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,600 and I remember my father telling me I had to get married. 173 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,800 And you know what I told him? 174 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,280 I told him, no, I don't want to do that. 175 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,360 I can clearly remember saying it, looking him in his eye. 176 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,720 So after the wedding, I have a husband I don't want to be. 177 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:27,200 You know, so I have this husband and, you know, 178 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,200 my then husband, you know, went to the military 179 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,960 and, you know, my mom, bless her soul, 180 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,720 kept my son for me to finish my education. 181 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,440 I came to Alcoholics Anonymous 182 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,920 and you guys are talking about sponsorship. 183 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:42,760 You know, for an alcoholic of my type, I love sponsorship. 184 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,080 You know, I love sponsorship 185 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,200 because me love to my own devices. 186 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,400 I am a planner. 187 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,520 I have an A plan going, a B plan. 188 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,080 It is running fast in my head, you know? 189 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,360 But I was like that before I became alcoholic. 190 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,600 You know, I'm in college and, you know, 191 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,960 I'm thinking I'm getting ready to graduate. 192 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,680 And you know what the problem is, Karen? 193 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,320 It's that little small town. 194 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,600 You've only met me, what, 30 minutes. 195 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:06,440 You could tell. 196 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,320 Can you imagine me in a little town with 3000 people? 197 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:10,960 I'm like what Phil said. 198 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,360 You know, I'm on the road to success. 199 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,040 You know, I mean, 3000 people and me, 200 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,800 it's really that small town. 201 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,320 So my plan was I'm going to graduate from college. 202 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,240 My then husband is getting out of this service. 203 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,440 He had an aunt who lived there in California. 204 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,200 We're going to move to California. 205 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,320 We're going to get jobs. 206 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,400 We're going to get an apartment. 207 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,840 We're going to get a car, you know, 208 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,840 and our life is going to be wonderful. 209 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,440 And the way God had it planned, 210 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:36,880 it happened just like that. 211 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,720 We got a car, we got jobs, we got an apartment, you know, 212 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,080 and what happened for me is the big book 213 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,200 of Alcoholics Anonymous and you guys that tell me 214 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,720 that I can't call anybody an alcoholic. 215 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,920 Okay, I believe in the big book. 216 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,960 I meet this man and this man, you know, 217 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:58,160 he was my boss and he was on the road to success, you know, 218 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,800 but this guy, he's not an alcoholic, 219 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,440 but he was a heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy, 220 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,360 heavy, heavy drinker. 221 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:08,680 You know, and you know, when I look back in my life 222 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,680 and I look at this period of time, 223 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,160 I am all over Bill's story. 224 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,560 You know, he would get promoted 225 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:17,320 and he would take me with him. 226 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:22,000 You know, when they talk about feeling like you had arrived, 227 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,840 I feel like I had arrived. 228 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:27,200 I am drinking cognac with my pinky fingers out. 229 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,640 I'm hanging out at places like Bobby McGee's 230 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,800 and Kawhi Cannon and the Hop. 231 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,120 You know, Bill talks about sitting at the bar 232 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,520 talking about, and I paraphrase, 233 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:41,040 talking in millions or chattering or something, 234 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,960 it's something chattering in a million 235 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,440 and talking in thousands. 236 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,160 That's the, when I read that, 237 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,640 it took me right back to this period of time. 238 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:52,920 You know, I was having a really super great time. 239 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,720 Doing that, you know, so I'm doing that 240 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,680 and during this period of time, 241 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,560 there's only one other person or maybe it's just me. 242 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,000 During this period of time, they used to give us a check, 243 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,960 but you don't know anything about this. 244 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,960 But they used to give you a paper check in an envelope. 245 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,640 You know, I'm telling you how old I am, 246 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,560 guess I am that old, you know. 247 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,720 But they would give us the paper check 248 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,600 and during that period of time at my then husband, 249 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,640 you know, I was the banker in the house 250 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,720 and Karen, I have his check and I have my check 251 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,360 and I'm looking at the check and guess what? 252 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,440 I make $2 more than here, $2. 253 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,440 Here's the king alcoholic mind. 254 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,520 The king alcoholic mind say, why you with him? 255 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,240 You make more money than he do. 256 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,000 When I took him, came to you guys and I took him into her, 257 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,480 I realized he was the first thing 258 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,200 that I sacrificed for my drinking. 259 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,280 He was a good man then, he is a good man today, 260 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,640 but king alcohol said he had to go. 261 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,720 So he was the first thing that I was sacrificing. 262 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,120 You know, I know we're in the meeting 263 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,240 of Alcoholics Anonymous and I believe 264 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,080 in the singleness of purpose. 265 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,960 However, so I'm gonna state this 266 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,240 and you can put it in with the rest of my story, you know. 267 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,680 So I meet this woman, she was a hair stylist 268 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,840 and she introduced me to cocaine 269 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,920 and I began to enhance my drinking with cocaine. 270 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,600 You know, and I remember, you know, 271 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,240 I came home from wherever I was coming from one day, 272 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,600 remember that kid? 273 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:18,360 That kid is now 16 years old, standing six two, you know, 274 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,560 and I remember he was just stuffing his clothes 275 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,120 in a duckle bag and I remember asking him, 276 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,320 where are you going? 277 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:25,800 And he looked at me and he told me, 278 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,440 I am going to live with my aunt and uncle 279 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,720 in Washington state. 280 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,880 Now any good mother, any good mother would have known 281 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,160 right at that point that there was something desperately 282 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,400 wrong, you know, but he left, you know, 283 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:43,440 and my king alcoholic mind shortly afterwards said, 284 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:44,680 why do you have to work? 285 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:47,120 Wherever you lay your hat can become your home. 286 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,520 When I started this journey to sit at this table 287 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,040 to talk to you guys, I had a condominium and Cerritos. 288 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,440 I went from a condominium and Cerritos 289 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,360 to a cardboard box in the Wilmington junkyard. 290 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,360 I'm the type of alcoholic woman without you, 291 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,480 I'll sell me, I'll sell you. 292 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:08,040 When my sponsor opened the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous 293 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:12,720 and read words to me like incomprehensible demoralization, 294 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,520 I didn't look at her and say, what do you mean? 295 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,760 I knew exactly what you mean, you know? 296 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,000 So I'm living like I was living, you know, 297 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,080 my alcoholic life, you know, had become normal. 298 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:26,160 I could not differentiate the truth from the false, you know? 299 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,280 I'm living like that, and you would think that I would, 300 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,280 you know, 'cause I hear you guys say 301 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,880 that you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. 302 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:37,280 You would think that I knew that something was wrong. 303 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:41,200 There was no hole in my gut that I can acknowledge. 304 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,920 But when you're living like I was living 305 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,960 and you were doing the type of things that I was doing, 306 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960 society frowns up on you. 307 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,360 And on that particular day, 308 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,800 no different from any other day in my life, 309 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,400 the Harvard Police picked me up and took me to jail. 310 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,400 Now, I don't know about anybody else, 311 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,720 but my experience is, you know, 312 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:00,680 it wasn't the first time I'd been to jail, 313 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,960 but you do crime, you do a little time. 314 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:03,800 And like I told you, 315 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,000 some of you guys went to Europe and Cancun. 316 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,680 I'm in the Wilmington junkyard. 317 00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,920 So going to Mar-a-loma, a silver brand 318 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,880 was like a little brick, you know? 319 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,880 So I'm there, I particularly like Mar-a-loma 320 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,320 'cause you can see the snow-capped mountain. 321 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,960 But, and they had cute jackets too. 322 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,880 Yeah, you know, but now I'm in jail 323 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,640 and I walked into a place that they called the Twin Towers 324 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,080 and I hope that I was looking for something to knock on. 325 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,080 But yeah, they took me to this place 326 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,520 they called the Twin Towers 327 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,840 and I hope to never go back there again. 328 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,280 And when I get to jail, I look around all my friends 329 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:44,040 and all my air quote friends are in jail, you know? 330 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,560 And I was like, they were like, 331 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,800 "Hey girl, how you doing?" 332 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,680 You know? 333 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:51,240 So I'm in jail and oh, by the way, 334 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,880 for those of you don't know me, I'm a big conspiracy person 335 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,480 too, you know, in my mind. 336 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,240 Remember I told you how my mind worked? 337 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,320 I can make a conspiracy out of this room 338 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,560 if I stare at you too long, you know? 339 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,160 That's just who I am, you know? 340 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,640 Man, people that know me, they already like, 341 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,720 "Oh there, go down bro," you know, but whatever. 342 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,320 Okay, we're gonna try not to make a conspiracy. 343 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,320 But you know, so I'm in jail and you know, 344 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:19,160 I'm thinking that really, they put me in a pod, in a cell 345 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,520 that had none of my friends. 346 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,040 And of course they did that on purpose. 347 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,560 They know Debra's coming to jail. 348 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,160 Let's separate her from her friends, you know? 349 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:30,240 So I'm in jail and today I know I had an obsession. 350 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,280 I didn't know it then. 351 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,240 I didn't know about the four horsemen when I went to jail. 352 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,080 All I knew is that I could not go to sleep, you know? 353 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,720 That's all I knew, you know? 354 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,120 So I'm going through this and what happened for me 355 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,120 was that the thought occurred. 356 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:46,080 The thought occurred to me one night, "Why don't you pray?" 357 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,200 Now I don't know where God had been, 358 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,920 but he was not on Debra's mind, you know? 359 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,280 But so I'm like, "Hmm." 360 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:55,400 So I got down on my knees in jail, you know, 361 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,640 and humbled myself 'cause you know, your roommate is, 362 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,280 well, your cellmate is looking right at you. 363 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,240 And I asked God, "Please help me sleep." 364 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,160 That was my prayer. 365 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,320 I jumped up in top bunk and when I woke up the next day, 366 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,440 I was aware that I had slept soundly. 367 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:11,400 Good alcoholic. 368 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,280 Oh, it worked last night, I'm gonna do it again. 369 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,760 Yeah, so I began to pray, you know? 370 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:20,200 Not no big, long prayer, just help me sleep, you know? 371 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,360 And what happened for me was a series of what I thought 372 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,600 for a very long time were coincidences. 373 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,640 What I know today was it was God doing more for me 374 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,920 than I could do for myself beginning to occur, you know? 375 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,800 Besides being, I also have a problem with, 376 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,680 it's not that bad anymore, but I used to have a problem. 377 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,400 No, I still have a problem with control, you know? 378 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,280 (all laughing) 379 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,520 Yeah, but it's better, it's better, I promise you. 380 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,520 It is a lot better, 'cause, you know. 381 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:54,520 So in jail, every single day, here goes my conspiracy, 382 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:59,200 every single day the jailer would put the television 383 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,000 on the program that I hated the most. 384 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,960 And of course, they're doing that just to aggravate me. 385 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,720 That's why it's on that channel, 'cause I told them 386 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:13,200 in no uncertain terms that I don't like that channel, 387 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,440 you know, but they kept it on the channel. 388 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,600 And I guess one of my fellow inmates, you know, 389 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,720 was tired of me repeating it over and over, 390 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,960 and, you know, them telling my conspiracy theory 391 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:25,920 to everyone. 392 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,360 So she said, "You know what, Deborah? 393 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,520 You know, if you go to this relapse prevention class, 394 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,680 they'll give you a paperback novel." 395 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:35,720 And I'm like, "Okay." 396 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,320 So I go to this relapse prevention class, 397 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:42,600 and of course they did give me the paperback novel, 398 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:43,880 and I began to read. 399 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,960 Over the intercom comes an announcement. 400 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,080 It says AA, H and I. 401 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,960 Now I've been very, I don't know why this happened to me. 402 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:56,720 It doesn't make me a better AA member or anything special, 403 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,480 you know, but I've been able to stay 404 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,640 in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous from my first day. 405 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,400 This is my first journey. 406 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,000 However, I'm under no illusion that I can't drink, 407 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:07,840 'cause I can. 408 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:12,320 But, you know, over the intercom comes AA, H and I. 409 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,120 I have no idea what AA is or H and I, you know. 410 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:20,280 But the buzz is, if you go to AA, H and I, 411 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,680 they'll let you out of the cell. 412 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:25,160 So remember, my friends are all in different pods. 413 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,400 So we're passing notes that we're gonna meet 414 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:32,920 at the AA, H and I, and we're gonna have girls' night out. 415 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,960 So we all go to the AA, H and I, 416 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,360 and I'm sitting on the back row, 417 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,240 'cause I'm a back row type of girl, 418 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,960 and we're trying to do our girls' night out 419 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,840 with the guards going around and everything. 420 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:48,680 And then up at the front of the room, there's a woman. 421 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,240 And this woman, her name is Jaz. 422 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:52,440 And I'm looking for Jaz, 423 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,200 'cause Jaz had the prettiest white teeth. 424 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,840 Her hair was just black and silky. 425 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,280 She was no more than 30 or 35. 426 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:06,280 And Jaz had the prettiest chocolate skin I've ever seen. 427 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,840 And Jaz is up at the front of the room 428 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,440 saying she don't drink. 429 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,840 And when Jaz said she didn't drink, 430 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,640 my ears perked up like my little dog does 431 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,600 when I say snack, you know? 432 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:20,440 And I'm looking at Jaz and I'm like, she don't drink. 433 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,000 What do you mean she don't drink? 434 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,480 Everybody, can you imagine? 435 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,200 Everybody drinks, you know? 436 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,360 So I'm pondering this question in my head, looking at Jaz. 437 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:32,800 So I decided if Jaz didn't drink, big if, 438 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,160 if she didn't drink, 439 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,640 she had to be smoking some good weed with that Pepsi. 440 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,520 Today, I know she was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous 441 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:41,360 carrying the mask. 442 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:42,200 I'm in jail. 443 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,240 Everybody should have a him or her or it 444 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,840 or somebody in their story. 445 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:50,840 You know, I have this guy, he was in prison. 446 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,200 I'm not here to tell you his story. 447 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,160 However, he's the type of guy, other than the fact, 448 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,520 let me tell you, I'm married to this guy now. 449 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,400 So that part is kind of important 450 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,360 'cause sometimes people ask me, you know? 451 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,800 But he was in prison, you know, 452 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,320 and he had a really good job before he went to prison. 453 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,120 I mean, a really good job, you know? 454 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,040 And of course he was the type of guy 455 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,600 that did not want me to be self-supporting 456 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,400 through my own contribution and the manner 457 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,960 in which I had become accustomed to while he was in jail. 458 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,280 So I needed somewhere to stay, you know, 459 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,960 until he gets his good job back. 460 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,120 That's my plan, not to get sober. 461 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:31,440 You know, that's the plan. 462 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,240 So he's out of jail. 463 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,800 He's out of prison, he's got to jump through some hoops 464 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,360 to get this job back. 465 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,720 I need somewhere to stay. 466 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,880 And at this relapse prevention class, 467 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,800 they gave me a list of recovery homes. 468 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,920 It is three weeks before my release. 469 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,800 I had been in jail a little while. 470 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,800 Mail was going very, very, very slow, but I'm in jail. 471 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,240 I don't have anything else to do 472 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,840 besides I have stamps and paper, you know? 473 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,800 So I wrote a couple of recovery homes 474 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,640 and in a matter of three weeks, 475 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,240 I wrote a letter and I received a letter back, you know? 476 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,320 I received a letter from this recovery home 477 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,680 and I got out of jail on that Saturday 478 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,040 and that Saturday, you know, he picked me up 479 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,520 and he took me to this fleabag motel 480 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,440 because he has to go back to this halfway house, you know? 481 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,240 And before he gets to Figueroa, I'm already outside. 482 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,080 And on the side of this fleabag motel is a liquor store, 483 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,800 the kind that has the flashing lights 484 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,240 that say liquor, liquor, liquor, liquor. 485 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,440 And it looked like it was saying, 486 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,520 Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah. 487 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,160 And I walked in that liquor store 488 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,520 and I go to the liquor fridge and by now, 489 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:32,880 I'm not drinking cognac. 490 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,880 I'm not looking at my Francisco 491 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,200 and I'm saying, what's it gonna be? 492 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,000 It's gonna be cherry, it's gonna be strawberry, 493 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:38,880 it's gonna be great. 494 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,360 And when I left out that liquor store, 495 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:43,080 what I had was a brownie, a Pepsi, and a bag of chips. 496 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,320 That was God doing more for me than I could do for myself. 497 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,600 That Monday, they took me to my very first meeting 498 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,000 of Alcoholics Anonymous. 499 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,120 It was a participation meeting 500 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,640 and a man shared something that I, you know, 501 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,880 shared something that I had never read in the big book. 502 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,360 And by the way, I've read the whole big book. 503 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,520 You know, I mean, the whole big book, 504 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,840 you know, my sponsor Tuesday meeting, you know, 505 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,640 and I've never read in the big book. 506 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,440 However, it's come true in my life. 507 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,880 He says, you can't stop your life from getting better. 508 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,280 And I don't know what about that. 509 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,800 You know, I don't know what content he said it in. 510 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,560 I just remember that part. 511 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,160 And I remember I wrote it on a Post-it note, you know. 512 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,480 I'm at this recovery home and I still have not, 513 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:29,480 I have not connected alcohol with my, with where I'm at. 514 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,400 I have not made that connection. 515 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:32,840 I'm at that recovery home, 516 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:34,680 just waiting till he get his job back. 517 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,120 And then it's like, see ya. 518 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:37,520 I'm at this recovery home. 519 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,960 And one thing they had at this recovery home 520 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:43,240 that if you didn't have a sponsor, you couldn't go on past. 521 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,320 You know, so every week, one week is nasty, 522 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,240 one week is scary, the next week, every week, 523 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,320 I had a name and a number 'cause I am going on past. 524 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,960 And I remember you guys came to us 525 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,640 and you have a panel and you sitting there 526 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,040 and I'm sitting on the back row 527 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,840 'cause I'm a back row type of girl. 528 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,920 And you sharing your experience, strength and hope. 529 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,600 And I'm really not listening 530 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,080 because I have not made the connection. 531 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:07,880 But the house manager of that house, 532 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,000 he's on the outside of the door and she's making a motion. 533 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,480 And I know the rule, I'm good. 534 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:13,560 I can do structure, 535 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,520 which is probably why I like my big book, 536 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:16,760 like my home group. 537 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,880 I know how to sit in my seat and not make noise. 538 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,160 I know how not to get up. 539 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,560 I know how to go to bathroom before I come to the meeting. 540 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:24,720 You know, so she's making a motion 541 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,840 and I'm looking to see who she's talking to 542 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,120 and she's keep motioning 543 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,720 because the panel people are talking. 544 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,720 You know, and if I get up and get out of my seat, 545 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,400 then I'm not gonna be able to go on past. 546 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,240 And she keep making these motions outside the door 547 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,280 and it gets my better judgment, I did this. 548 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:41,520 And she says, "Yes, remember I'm a conspiracy person." 549 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:42,840 Now she's setting me up 550 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,640 'cause if I get up and go see what she want, 551 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,920 then I'm not gonna be able to go on past. 552 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,600 But she keep motioning. 553 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,560 So I guess my better judgment, 554 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,120 I followed her as I go out, see what she want. 555 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:54,560 She looked me in the eye and she said, 556 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:58,320 "Debra, are you willing to go to any lengths to stay sober?" 557 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,680 This is the lady that controls my past. 558 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,000 It doesn't take a genius to answer that. 559 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,200 I gave her the answer she wanted to hear. 560 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,360 I told her yes. 561 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,640 You know, she says, "When this meeting is over, 562 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,480 she assigned me my first sponsor. 563 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,320 I didn't get the privilege of picking a sponsor. 564 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,040 She assigned this woman to me." 565 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,320 And what she said to me, "When this meeting is over, 566 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,280 you ask this woman to be your sponsor." 567 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:20,720 And I said, "Okay." 568 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:21,880 The meeting was over. 569 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,640 We did the Lord's prayer, da da da da da da. 570 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,600 And I see this woman, the manager, 571 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,160 house manager is watching me so I didn't have a choice. 572 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:30,480 I walked up to this woman. 573 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,320 I say, "Will you sponsor me?" 574 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:33,640 She took out a piece of paper. 575 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,120 She wrote her name on the paper. 576 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,400 She wrote, "Read the doctor's opinion." 577 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,040 She wrote her telephone numbers. 578 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,320 She flipped the page over. 579 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,640 She wrote, "Call me every day." 580 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,840 She put some squiggly marks on the every. 581 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,560 She had long braids. 582 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,760 She flipped the braids and walked off. 583 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,960 I looked at her and I said, "I don't even like that. 584 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:53,000 You can fill in the blank." 585 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,440 Now, you know, I always tell the newcomer, 586 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,000 when somebody tell you to call you, call them. 587 00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,920 First of all, you just talk to them three minutes. 588 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,080 Call and say what? 589 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:02,880 You know what? Call, call you. 590 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,520 I just let you call you. 591 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:06,560 In those days, I'm dating myself again. 592 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,560 I had to actually put money in the telephone, you know, 593 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:10,400 to call. 594 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,040 Now everybody had a cell phone on your hip, just call. 595 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:14,440 But I told him to come. 596 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,120 If someone say call them and you don't know what to say, 597 00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:18,880 'cause you just talked to them three minutes, 598 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,600 call them tomorrow and say. 599 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:24,360 When they say hello, say, "You told me to call you." 600 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,360 That's exactly what I said to her. 601 00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:29,960 My journey into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous began. 602 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,920 This woman would show up every Saturday. 603 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,760 Yeah, for fun and for free. 604 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:37,080 Total words, I don't have that, like for fun and for free. 605 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:38,920 Like who does anything for free? 606 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,760 But anyway, she would show up for fun and for free. 607 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:43,320 And she walked me through the big book 608 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,760 of Alcoholics Anonymous. 609 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,800 She was the very first person that I had ever met 610 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:49,920 that I knew had lived like I had lived. 611 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,600 She had done the type of things that I had done. 612 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,720 And I could clearly see she wasn't living 613 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,840 and doing those type of things anymore. 614 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,280 And that sounds so poetic. 615 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,240 I know you guys waiting for me to say I came to believe, 616 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,080 but I really didn't. 617 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,040 You know, what happened for me was 618 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,720 I didn't believe one single thing she said, I really didn't. 619 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,560 But God gave me the willingness. 620 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,320 And really I say it was willingness, 621 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,160 but this is really what I was thinking. 622 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,760 I'm gonna do everything she tell me to do. 623 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:14,720 And when this doesn't work, 624 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:17,600 I'm gonna let her know, you told me to do this now. 625 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,280 Okay, so saying it was willingness has just been nice, 626 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:21,440 but that's what happened. 627 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,840 You know, I began to follow, you know, her direction. 628 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:26,880 You know, and then she wants to talk about stuff 629 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,480 like inventories. 630 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,440 I'm like inventories, resemblance. 631 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,680 I don't have any resemblance. 632 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,280 I'm from a doggy dog world. 633 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:34,560 You do me, I'mma do you. 634 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,480 What goes around comes around. 635 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:37,760 No harm, no foul. 636 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,000 And she said, I'll tell you what Deborah, 637 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,440 everybody you're not gonna kiss 638 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:41,440 when they come through the door. 639 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:42,560 Let's write their name down. 640 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,200 And I got to about the fifth name 641 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,080 and I realized that I'm pretty angry 642 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,920 and that I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear 643 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:52,280 and I'm self seeking, yeah, and delusion. 644 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:53,760 And I write this inventory, 645 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,080 I write this inventory down and, you know, 646 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,960 I read this inventory too hard 647 00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,680 and I just got the five minutes 648 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,400 and I'm gonna get to six and seven and I did 89, 649 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:04,360 but I'm gonna tell you something about six and seven. 650 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:06,200 The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous 651 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,480 has two little paragraphs. 652 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:08,560 I mean, it goes quick. 653 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:10,200 And I thought I had done that, you know, 654 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,360 and at 16 years of sobriety, I hit a wall. 655 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,320 I'm calling it a wall. 656 00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,360 You know, next week I might call it. 657 00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:20,040 I don't know what happened to tell you the truth. 658 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:22,960 I am in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. 659 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,280 I am sponsoring women. 660 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:25,640 I am going to meetings. 661 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,280 I'm reading the book. 662 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:29,680 I am doing everything. 663 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,760 And what happened for me is my conspiracy, 664 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:36,160 it was a day there was 350 people in my home group, 665 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,560 you know, and it's all about they and them. 666 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:42,640 So I started talking about to this old timer woman 667 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,240 and, you know, I'm like, 668 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:48,440 I'm gonna leave Bellflower and I'm gonna go to CLB. 669 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,040 The next week is now I'm gonna leave Bellflower 670 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,520 and I'm going to PG. 671 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,760 Yeah, and I'm going, you know, 672 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,680 and we have this old timer. 673 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,520 Some of you guys might've heard his name before, 674 00:26:58,520 --> 00:26:59,480 Johnny Harris. 675 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:02,360 One night I'm sitting standing in the middle of the floor, 676 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:04,320 you know, and he walks past me and he say, 677 00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,280 "Deb, don't let them run you out of here." 678 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,680 And then that made it true in my head. 679 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:13,160 Yeah, yeah, and during this course of the time, 680 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,600 the secretary of the group made the fatal mistake 681 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,160 'cause it's all his fault. 682 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,040 He say, "Debra, would you do 10 minutes?" 683 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,000 I get to the podium, it's 350 people. 684 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:24,880 I'm sharing and I thought, 685 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:29,000 I felt that the 350 people in the room need to know, 686 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,960 I hate everybody in this room. 687 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,120 Can't believe I did that. 688 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:34,960 Yes, I did. 689 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,560 And of course we have a 10 minute break 690 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,120 and here you guys come. 691 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:43,960 Yes, all the time I had moved up to San Clarita 692 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,880 and I'm talking to her, you know, 693 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:49,840 and she suggested that I talk to my now sponsor Hilda. 694 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:54,520 And I talked to Hilda and Hilda told me to call her 695 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:57,520 and she launched me off on a course of vigorous action. 696 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:01,440 And I remember I did a new fourth step with her 697 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:05,280 and we went over it and I remember feeling really good. 698 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,440 And then when I got home, the next day, 699 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:10,600 I realized Hilda is not a part of the Balfour group. 700 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,840 So she couldn't be a part of the conspiracy. 701 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:14,440 'Cause remember, I hate everybody, 702 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,880 but she's not a part of the group. 703 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:19,560 And she gave me a list of all these character defects I had. 704 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,120 And I remember looking at her the next day 705 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:24,360 because I'm 16, I'm 16 years sober. 706 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:29,040 Here's an outsider just based upon my inventory 707 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,280 has come up with all these defects of character. 708 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,960 And I looked at that and I was devastated. 709 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,000 I began to cry. 710 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,960 You guys didn't tell me I was gonna be perfect at 16. 711 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,440 I don't know where I got that from, 712 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,920 but if I'm honest, I couldn't believe it. 713 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,560 And I remember calling Hilda crying 714 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:47,800 and telling her how could it possibly be 715 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:50,880 that I have so many defects of character at 16. 716 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:52,760 And then Hilda is like, "Well, mate, 717 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:55,960 "the good thing about it is now you know you have them." 718 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,280 (laughing) 719 00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,920 I know somebody was thinking, but did the defects go away? 720 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:01,640 No, they did not go away. 721 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:04,600 I have them locked away in a file cabinet 722 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:06,320 with a big old chain and a key on it. 723 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,440 But every once in a while, one of them slip out. 724 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:09,600 Yeah, yeah. 725 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:11,920 So I have that going on. 726 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:16,360 My life today is, Alcoholics Anonymous is my life. 727 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:17,360 It's my life. 728 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:20,160 I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous 729 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,040 and it is first in my life. 730 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,520 It has not always been rosy. 731 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,320 My son has been shot. 732 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:30,120 My first grandson had an aneurysm. 733 00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,600 My dad has died and I've had some health challenges 734 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:36,560 of my own, but I've watched your example 735 00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:39,760 and I just suit up and show up no matter what. 736 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:42,720 And what I've learned from that by doing that, 737 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,440 and if you're new or coming back, 738 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:48,840 if you just do some things you don't believe in, 739 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:50,360 like pick up these chairs, 740 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:52,440 go pick up John with the little, 741 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:54,280 when your red light is on in your car 742 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:55,800 and he's about to run out of fuel, 743 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,440 if you're really willing to follow some directions 744 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:00,160 that make no sense whatsoever, 745 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:02,440 you can't stop your life from getting better. 746 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:03,280 Thank you.