1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,820 - Hi everyone, my name is Tara Thory and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,820 --> 00:00:03,660 - Hi Tara. 3 00:00:03,660 --> 00:00:05,640 - I wanna thank Karen for asking me to come out 4 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:06,480 and share tonight. 5 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,260 It's an honor and a privilege to get asked 6 00:00:08,260 --> 00:00:10,120 to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous 7 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,400 and I'm really grateful to be here 8 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,400 and thank you Alex for 10 minutes. 9 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,600 I have the same story as Alex. 10 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,280 I repeat a little bit of it, even the crack helps. 11 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:23,120 But my sobriety date is April 18th of 1994 12 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,300 and my home group is the Belsour Big Book Group. 13 00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:29,400 I have a sponsor and I'm so grateful for those three things. 14 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:33,200 I love AA and just feel like, just so lucky. 15 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,400 You know, there are people that will die drunk tonight 16 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,200 that will never find AA, but here we are sober 17 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,980 and I'm just so grateful for that fact alone. 18 00:00:40,980 --> 00:00:43,240 So if you're new, there are some new friends. 19 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,200 I wanna welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. 20 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:47,700 I hope you stay and you find what we found here 21 00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:50,760 and I'll share a little bit more about that in a while. 22 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,120 But I think one of the most important things I can say, 23 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:56,400 I heard it, you know, on my first day of sobriety, 24 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,920 I showed up on the doorstep of an indigent detox. 25 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,760 It was called Casa del Cerro in Capra Beach, California. 26 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,480 And this big man answered the door 27 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,120 and he looked at me and saw me. 28 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,400 You know, I was tore up from the floor up. 29 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,400 And he asked if he could give me a hug 30 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,520 and he gave me a hug and he said, "Welcome." 31 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,940 He said, "We're gonna introduce you to Alcoholics Anonymous 32 00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:16,600 and Alcoholics Anonymous works." 33 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,880 And Alcoholics Anonymous works, you know? 34 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,020 And I had no idea that that was gonna be 35 00:01:21,020 --> 00:01:22,460 the most important day of my life 36 00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:25,400 and the luckiest day of my life, but it was. 37 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,320 So my job is to share in a general way 38 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,960 about what I used to be like, what happened 39 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,120 and what I'm like now. 40 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,660 And I grew up, I'm from California. 41 00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:34,040 I grew up in Anaheim. 42 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,460 I was raised by good parents. 43 00:01:35,460 --> 00:01:38,620 My parents were married for 42 years. 44 00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,000 My dad was an engineer. 45 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,600 My mom was a stay-at-home mom most of my childhood. 46 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,540 And you know, they had good morals and values. 47 00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:46,940 We went to church on Sunday. 48 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:50,760 Father Seamus came to our house on Sunday nights for dinner. 49 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:54,000 You know, I was involved in the kids' choir, 50 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,560 all these ministries at church. 51 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,760 We were very, you know, service-oriented. 52 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:00,040 And if the love and, you know, 53 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,480 if the love of my parents could have kept me sober 54 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,280 and prevented me from being alcoholic, 55 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:05,660 I wouldn't be here with you. 56 00:02:05,660 --> 00:02:08,120 You know, but on the outside, everything looked good. 57 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,920 But on the inside, I was uncomfortable. 58 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,120 As far back as I can remember, just uncomfortable, 59 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,680 anxious, nervous, afraid. 60 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:14,600 I was a nail biter. 61 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,120 I'm still a nail biter. 62 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,740 I haven't been able to break that. 63 00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:19,680 But I just was really uncomfortable. 64 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,640 And the way I reacted to life 65 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,440 before I even took a drink was different. 66 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,800 You know, I remember in the fourth grade, 67 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,400 I invited all these girls to our condo in Palm Springs 68 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:29,220 for spring break. 69 00:02:29,220 --> 00:02:31,160 And we didn't even have a condo in Palm Springs. 70 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,000 You know, I was a liar before I was a drinker. 71 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,280 You know, I wanted to be the girl 72 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,360 that could invite all these girls to her place. 73 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,200 And I kept that lie going to the very end. 74 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,380 And around that time, my best friend came to school. 75 00:02:41,380 --> 00:02:42,320 She broke her leg. 76 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:43,720 She had a cast on her leg. 77 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,700 Everyone was signing it and giving her attention. 78 00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:46,920 I got jealous. 79 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,040 And I went home that night, started hammering my ankle 80 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,840 so I could break my ankle, get a cast, 81 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,120 and get attention to them. 82 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,000 You know, that's like not a normal reaction to jealousy. 83 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,880 But that's me, you know, without any tools. 84 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,920 And, you know, I would pull out big chunks of hair 85 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,280 and braid it and wear it like a bracelet. 86 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,520 Like I was just uncomfortable. 87 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,500 But on the outside, I've always been a person 88 00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:08,200 that can just, you know, dress well 89 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:09,320 and put a smile on my face 90 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,080 and pretend like everything's fine. 91 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,120 You know, and I had to be careful about that 92 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,520 when I got sober because I could be smiling 93 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:16,340 with you tonight. 94 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:17,480 And if I'm not being honest, 95 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,000 I could be drunk on the way home. 96 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,400 You know, that's the way this alcoholic girl is. 97 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,280 But so, you know, I was really uncomfortable. 98 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,680 And I don't know, I was one of those kids 99 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,200 that wanted to be the best at everything. 100 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,760 You know, I wanted to have a 4.0 101 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,460 and be the captain of the cheer team 102 00:03:33,460 --> 00:03:35,140 and the fastest on the track team 103 00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:37,180 and the girl with the most Girl Scout badges. 104 00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:38,840 It like goes on and on and on. 105 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:42,280 And during the pandemic, I read AA literature, 106 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,520 kind of reread some of it. 107 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,780 And in AA Comes of Age, Bill wrote about that. 108 00:03:45,780 --> 00:03:48,080 He wrote how he had to be president of his club, 109 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:52,120 top of his class, just to fill that spiritual melody 110 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,640 that he had, you know, just to feel comfortable. 111 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:55,900 And I identify with that. 112 00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,200 It's like, I wanted to be the best 113 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,400 just to feel comfortable and equal to you, 114 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,560 but that didn't do it. 115 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,420 You know, that's not it. 116 00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:04,000 My solution has been an alcoholic synonymous. 117 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,080 And, you know, like Alex, 118 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,440 I started drinking in middle school. 119 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,880 I was a good girl, you know, 120 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,880 honor roll, ASB track team, cheerleader, 121 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,040 all those things that good girls do. 122 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,140 And I met this boy and he was the class clown, 123 00:04:16,140 --> 00:04:18,000 the kid that was always in the principal's office. 124 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,960 I always loved the bad boys, you know, 125 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,440 and he invited me to meet him at a donut store before school. 126 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:24,500 My dad dropped me off. 127 00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,200 It was right across from our middle school 128 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,800 and him and three boys met me there 129 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,960 and they had a maroon backpack full of liquor. 130 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,400 And we walked behind that donut store and sat by a dumpster 131 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:33,480 and I took my first drink 132 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,280 and it was 80 proof peppermint schnapps. 133 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,000 And I loved it. 134 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,520 I love the effect produced by alcohol, you know, 135 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,280 and I know it was 80 proof peppermint schnapps 136 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:42,880 because that became my drink of choice. 137 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,000 'Cause I knew it would get me there, you know. 138 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,240 I don't remember feeling prettier then or better then. 139 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:50,480 I just was comfortable for the first time in my life, 140 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,240 you know, and I started drinking whenever I could. 141 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,800 I'd meet these boys before school and, you know, 142 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,760 like go to someone's house on minimum day 143 00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,480 whose parents were working and we drink. 144 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,400 And I started sneaking out of the house 145 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,720 and going to high school keg parties with older boys. 146 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,120 And I love everything about drinking. 147 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,360 I love the keg, I love the beer bongs, 148 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,200 I love the drinking games. 149 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,760 I just love, you know, just drinking 150 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,480 so that I'm just lying on the floor smiling, unable to move. 151 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,840 You know, I just, I love it. 152 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,000 And in my household, you know, 153 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,240 the expectation was to get good grades and go to college. 154 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,600 And within a very short period of time after my drinking, 155 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,640 I was no longer getting good grades. 156 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:28,560 And my parents sent me 157 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,120 to an all girls Catholic high school 158 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,400 'cause they thought it would fix me. 159 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,920 And I went there and for the first, 160 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,680 that's the first time I remember thinking, 161 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,080 I'm gonna stop partying. 162 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,000 I'm gonna stop hanging out with these boys. 163 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,960 I'm gonna go to this school and get good grades, 164 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,080 you know, and go to college. 165 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,680 And the tradition at that school is they paired up 166 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,560 a senior girl with a freshmen girl, 167 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,240 and she's your big sister, you know, 168 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,440 and I got paired up with a girl that was just like me. 169 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,600 She loved drinking beer, she loved smoking pot, 170 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,440 she loved, you know, Janice Joplin, Led Zeppelin, 171 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,880 you know, the Grateful Dead. 172 00:05:56,880 --> 00:06:00,440 And so we'd meet at Acacia Park in Fullerton before school. 173 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:03,400 And I, you know, unbuttoned my Catholic school brochure, 174 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,960 tie it off, roll up that skirt, 175 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,280 and we split a 40 ounce of beer and go to class 176 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,080 and sneak off campus sometimes and smoke some pot. 177 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:10,920 And I'm in high school 178 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,640 and going to all those high school keg parties 179 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:13,560 and just loving it. 180 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,920 And what happened for me is I got tired of living 181 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,400 by my parents' rules. 182 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,480 You know, they'd give me some kind of curfew 183 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,520 and I'd be, you know, out at a different party 184 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,640 with different people than I'd left home with. 185 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,120 And I think, okay, I have an hour before curfew. 186 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,440 I'm gonna have one more drink and then get a ride home. 187 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:31,280 And it's 30 minutes. 188 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:32,960 Okay, one more drink and get a ride home. 189 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,280 Then it's two hours after curfew, 190 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:35,720 I think I'll just go home tomorrow. 191 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,080 You know, because I, that's how I drink. 192 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,400 If I'm gonna drink, I'm gonna drink all night long. 193 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,120 That's the kind of alcoholic I am. 194 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,120 And I didn't care about my mom 195 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,640 who was praying her rosary beads, 196 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:47,440 wondering where her daughter was. 197 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,120 I'm selfish, I'm self-centered, I'm self-seeking. 198 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,560 Alcohol very quickly became the most important thing 199 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:53,400 in my life. 200 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,360 And so like Alex, you know, I started to run away 201 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:57,880 and at first it was okay. 202 00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,760 My friends would sneak me into their homes at night 203 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,160 when their parents went to sleep. 204 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,400 But the way I drink, you know, I do scandalous things 205 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,240 and I just rip through those friendships. 206 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:09,600 And I found myself, you know, just homeless and a runaway. 207 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,520 And I met this guy and he was a crystal meth dealer. 208 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,160 And his dad was a real estate broker. 209 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,480 And he had this list of homes that were for sale 210 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,720 and he could figure out which ones people weren't living in. 211 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,080 And so we'd break into a different home, you know, 212 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,080 every night or every few nights and have a place to sleep. 213 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:28,720 And in the morning, we'd sneak out super early 214 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,920 and he'd say, let's go do Tara's beer run 215 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,600 because I needed my booze, you know, 216 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,880 and I'd go into a different grocery store in Orange County 217 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,320 with this cute little canvas green piece tote bag. 218 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,960 And I'd steal my bottle of Jaegermeister, my bottle of tequila 219 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,240 and I'd drink all day long while they skateboarded 220 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:44,800 or did whatever they were doing. 221 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,880 And at night we drive around nice neighborhoods 222 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,480 and look for garages that were open 223 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,000 and break into people's homes 224 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,720 and steal stuff from their garages to pawn off at pawn shops 225 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,720 for more drugs for them and more booze for me. 226 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,400 And I didn't know people lived like that. 227 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,880 I never would have thought of that. 228 00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,760 But when it comes down to it, I needed to drink 229 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,360 and that was what mattered most, you know. 230 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,720 And I ended up getting caught urinating in public 231 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,000 in a Taco Bell drive-through in Anaheim Hills, California. 232 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,640 And that's the suburbs and they do not like that there. 233 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:13,640 And I was so drunk I gave the police officer my real name 234 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,520 and I had been a missing runaway for like six months 235 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,720 and he took me to a psychiatric ward. 236 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,080 And that was my first psychiatric ward stay 237 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,160 and the first time I was introduced to AA. 238 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,040 And I think I was 16 years old. 239 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,240 You know, I remember an H&I panel coming in 240 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,120 and hearing women share about losing their kids, 241 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,560 their homes and their cars. 242 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,840 I could not identify with that. 243 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,040 I thought, I'm not like you. 244 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,320 I'm not, this AA thing is not for me. 245 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:40,680 And, you know, I spent Christmas there and just was a mess. 246 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:44,360 And, you know, one more time my mom came to that psych ward 247 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,720 and she had figured out a way for me 248 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,120 to graduate with my class, you know, 249 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,560 to take a few extra like classes during the summer. 250 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,920 And I thought, okay, I'm gonna get out of here. 251 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,400 I'm gonna take those classes. 252 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,600 I'm gonna graduate with my class and go to college. 253 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,160 And, you know, I mean, I don't even know how many days. 254 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,280 Within a week after leaving there, you know, 255 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,680 I was at the grocery store and I saw some people 256 00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,760 who liked to drink like I did and I was gone again. 257 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,560 And I would be in and out of my parents' life 258 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,000 for the next three years. 259 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,000 And I would show up on their doorstep just tore up, 260 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,400 you know, and at first they let me in, 261 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,520 give me a place to sleep, give me some food, let me shower, 262 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,120 give me a few bucks and I'd make all those promises. 263 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,080 You know, I'm gonna get my GED. 264 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,720 I'll be here when you get home, you know, 265 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,640 and then I'd be gone again. 266 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:29,120 And, you know, I don't know, I met this group of people. 267 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,400 They liked the Grateful Dead. 268 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,680 So they invited me to go to a dead show in Vegas. 269 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,160 And I started following this band 270 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,280 that I didn't even really love. 271 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,560 You know, and I love the parking lot 272 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,080 of a Grateful Dead show, like a psychedelic swamp meet. 273 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,520 Anything you wanted was there. 274 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,040 It was like people selling Gagermeister shots 275 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,920 and kite beer and bud and, you know, 276 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,240 falafel and all kinds of crazy things. 277 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,280 And no one there knew me, you know, 278 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,960 no one has given me that look. 279 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,080 And so I started hitchhiking to see this band 280 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,160 and my alcoholism really took off. 281 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,280 You know, I would, from the time that I'd wake up 282 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:00,400 till the time I'd pass out, 283 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,480 I would just be drinking all day long. 284 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:06,160 And I remember one time I was at this Jerry Garcia band show 285 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,960 and I could see the Seattle Space Needle 286 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,000 from the parking lot. 287 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,720 And I would come to find out I had two seizures that day 288 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:12,800 and was just a mess. 289 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,640 And the next memory I have is waking up with strangers, 290 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,840 you know, and I went to the liquor store 291 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,680 and found out I was in Eugene, Oregon. 292 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,160 I didn't remember anything between Seattle and Eugene. 293 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,840 And I just remember being afraid. 294 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,160 And I called Home Collect and my dad answered 295 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,360 and he said, "Don't call us anymore. 296 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,080 "We're not your family, we want nothing to do with you." 297 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:29,960 And he hung up on me. 298 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,200 My mom had found Al-Anon, thank goodness. 299 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,760 You know, thank goodness. 300 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,320 And, but I thought, "Geez, that's harsh." 301 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,680 You know, but I had not been a good daughter. 302 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,480 You know, the police were showing up at my home 303 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:41,320 looking for me. 304 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,520 It was embarrassing to my parents. 305 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,680 I had stolen jewelry that my dead grandmother 306 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,760 had left my mom and pawned it off at a pawn shop 307 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:48,640 for another drink. 308 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,760 And I share that when I speak 309 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,200 and I am not proud of that at all, but it just became, 310 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,960 you know, I just was willing to do anything 311 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:56,840 for another drink. 312 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,520 I didn't care who I hurt or anything. 313 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,640 If you were in my way, you had to get out of the way. 314 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,320 And so I kept, you know, following the dead 315 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,160 and I ended up at this show in Northern California. 316 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,800 And we would walk around in front of the show 317 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,520 with our finger in the air, kind of pacing 318 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,840 in front of the ticket entrance and ask for a miracle, 319 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,760 which was a free ticket into the show. 320 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,480 And I got a free ticket in Mountain View, California 321 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,160 and I had been partying all day long. 322 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,880 And I remember sitting there and I was so wasted, 323 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,360 I couldn't even enjoy the show. 324 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:28,360 And the next day, we're driving down the California coast 325 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,600 in this West Valley van with this nice couple. 326 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,720 And everyone's just fired up about the show. 327 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,480 They're talking about how great the show was 328 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,760 and laughing. 329 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,360 And this song by Blind Faith came on the radio, 330 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,920 "Can't Find My Way Home." 331 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,600 And I remember looking out the window and just crying. 332 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,800 And I just felt like my life could not get any lower. 333 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,840 And that was August of 1993. 334 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,360 And from August of '93 to April of '94, 335 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,880 every single day I would try to stop drinking and fail. 336 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,160 You know, I'd wake up and think, okay, today, 337 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,920 I'm gonna put out some job applications. 338 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,120 I'm gonna get a job. 339 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,440 Okay, today, I'm gonna figure out how to take my GED. 340 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,040 Today, I'm gonna call my parents and see how they're doing. 341 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:07,120 And I'd be drunk by 10 or 11 o'clock, I'd be drinking. 342 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,440 You know, I just, and I'm grateful I had that experience. 343 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:15,000 I'm grateful that I know that I'm powerless over alcohol 344 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,520 because I really learned it then. 345 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,240 And I ended up during that period of time, 346 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,240 I met this guy and for whatever reason, he was dating me. 347 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:23,920 I don't know if there was something wrong with him. 348 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,080 He was alcoholic too. 349 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,840 But I met him and his brother was a sober member 350 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,280 of Alcoholics Anonymous. 351 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,720 And every time his brother Tony saw me, 352 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,160 he smiled and shared about the good life AA 353 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,400 and God had given him. 354 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,560 And he was a great example of this program. 355 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,640 He was an attraction, he wasn't promoting it. 356 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:43,320 And so his brother, who I had been dating one time, 357 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,720 told me he was gonna get sober. 358 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,600 And I thought it was a good idea for him, you know? 359 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:47,720 And he said, well, what about you? 360 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:48,560 You're worse than I am. 361 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,920 I said, oh, no, no, you know, I've been to AA. 362 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,800 I had been in two psychiatric wards, 363 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,120 like a detox center and adolescent rehab. 364 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,520 And I said, I don't have a problem with alcohol. 365 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:58,720 And he said, well, I can't be with you 366 00:12:58,720 --> 00:12:59,840 if you're not gonna be sober. 367 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:00,880 And so I wished him well. 368 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,840 You know, I said, maybe our paths would cross again. 369 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,520 And I went back to this house 370 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,320 I'd been staying in, a crack house. 371 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,440 You know, boarded up with signs saying, do not enter. 372 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,520 I've never even done crack, but that's where I was. 373 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,640 And you know, and I, again, for the next few weeks, 374 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,400 I tried to stop drinking and fail. 375 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:20,440 And so on April 17th of 1994, 376 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,440 one more time I found myself drunk. 377 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,160 I fell down some stairs in that house 378 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,280 'cause there wasn't electricity and it was that night. 379 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,640 And I just had to lay at the foot of those stairs all night 380 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,240 'cause I was too injured to get up. 381 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,280 And I just, I don't know what happened, 382 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,520 but I know the next morning I woke up 383 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,120 and I knew that I had a problem 384 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,760 and it might be because of alcohol. 385 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,480 And I went into the restroom. 386 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:41,320 I looked in the mirror. 387 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,400 I couldn't believe what was looking back at me. 388 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,640 I come to find out I was 84 pounds. 389 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,000 I would still be dirty. 390 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,240 I had dreadlocks, you know, I, 391 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,720 and on the inside, I was just so hopeless. 392 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:52,600 I was anxious. 393 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,680 I was afraid of all those things 394 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,120 that alcohol originally took away, you know? 395 00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:00,360 And I remember walking to the liquor store 396 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,000 and I called Home Collect 397 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,680 and my dad said they couldn't help me 398 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:04,880 and he wished me luck, you know? 399 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,760 And then I called that guy, Tony, who was sober in AA. 400 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,360 And he's the one that told me about that state funded detox. 401 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,000 And so I called over there and this man answered the phone 402 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,080 and he said, you know, we have one bed available, 403 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,240 but someone already called. 404 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,520 So whichever one of you gets here first gets the bed. 405 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,440 And I took the bus down there and I got the bed, you know? 406 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,480 And it's so funny, I'm a GSR 407 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,480 and I was at a GSR board meeting recently 408 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:29,960 and I talked to a gentleman 409 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,160 who used to volunteer at that detox. 410 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,880 And I said, oh my gosh, you know, 411 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,360 I got so lucky I got the bed. 412 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,240 He said, oh, we told everybody that, you know, 413 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:38,080 but I didn't care. 414 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:42,040 I got that bed and I detoxed there for 10 days 415 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,480 and I don't remember a lot about it. 416 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,480 I will tell you that I do remember 417 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,880 being able to take a shower 418 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,240 and just feeling like the luckiest person. 419 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,720 And just being able to get under clean sheets, 420 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:54,800 you know, it was a big deal. 421 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:58,520 And this woman that was on an H&I panel from that, 422 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,440 at that place came back a few nights later 423 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,120 and she remembered my name and smiled and gave me a hug 424 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,840 and said she was happy to see me. 425 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,880 And that had a big impact on me 426 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,600 'cause no one had been happy to see me for a long time. 427 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,000 You know, I think probably six to eight weeks 428 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,480 before I got sober, 429 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,440 I showed up on my parents' doorstep, you know, 430 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:16,360 early in the morning 431 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,600 and they had built a courtyard with a wrought iron gate 432 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,440 with the key so they could lock me out. 433 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,120 And I remember my dad backed out of the driveway 434 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,080 and he looked at me and he said, 435 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,040 "Tara, get out of here. 436 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,400 Get your S-H-I-T and get out of here. 437 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,840 Your mom sees you like this, it's gonna destroy her." 438 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,960 You know, so even my parents just were like, 439 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,360 just get out of here, you know? 440 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:39,280 And this woman was so nice that I met at that place. 441 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:43,000 And I had to leave after 10 days and I had nowhere to go. 442 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,880 And so I was gonna go back to that crack house 443 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:45,920 and I took the bus 444 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,080 and I had to get off in Irvine to transfer. 445 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,960 And I knew that if I went back to that place, 446 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,280 I wasn't gonna stay sober. 447 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,200 And I sat on this little grassy hill 448 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,160 waiting to transfer onto another bus. 449 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,040 And I don't know exactly what I said, 450 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,560 but I think I reached out to my higher power. 451 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,280 And I thought someone had mentioned going to meetings 452 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:03,400 at an Alano Club. 453 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,800 And so I went to the payphone 454 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,480 and called the Garden Grove Alano Club. 455 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,080 And they said, "Come on down, we have meetings all day." 456 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,680 And I took the bus down there and I stayed sober. 457 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,240 And this nice couple in AA 458 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:14,960 let me stay at their house for a few nights. 459 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,520 And then I went into another program and sober living 460 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,000 and sober living is where we were told 461 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,200 we had to find a 12 step program. 462 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,800 If you're an addict, you go to NA. 463 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,920 If you're an alcoholic, you go to AA. 464 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,960 And I'm an alcoholic, so I went to AA. 465 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,960 And I'm gonna tell you that those of you that are new, 466 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,640 I don't know if you were having this experience, 467 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:33,560 but when I was new, 468 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,040 the obsession to drink did not leave me immediately. 469 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:39,160 It was like, I wanted to drink more than anything. 470 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,440 I drank, you know, it makes me emotional. 471 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,720 I drank just to feel comfortable in the morning, 472 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,040 to have a good time, to drink away the guilt, 473 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,520 the shame, the remorse of all the things that I had done 474 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,680 up until that point. 475 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,880 And so getting sober and sitting in these rooms 476 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,080 was very hard. 477 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,240 It was like, I was just barely hanging on. 478 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,600 And one morning at the Saturday morning women's meeting, 479 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,920 this woman shared that because she had worked the 12 steps 480 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,560 and because she had a power greater than herself in her life 481 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,600 the obsession to drink had been removed from her. 482 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,480 And I heard that and I really wanted that. 483 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,120 I asked her to sponsor me. 484 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,520 And fortunately I asked a woman 485 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,000 who was a very strong member of Alcoholics Anonymous, 486 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,840 you know, and she started telling me 487 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,160 all these things I was gonna do. 488 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,880 You're gonna call me at 6 a.m. 489 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:18,760 Getting out the directory, 490 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,840 circling all these meetings I was gonna go to 491 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,640 and you're gonna get commitments at these meetings. 492 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,080 And she kept talking and I kind of got hung up 493 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,880 on that 6 a.m. thing, you know, and she was quiet. 494 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,240 And I said, okay, all that fine except 6 a.m. 495 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,960 I'm not an early riser. 496 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,160 And this nice lady got really mean with me. 497 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,960 And she's like, you'll call me at 6 a.m. 498 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,400 or find somebody else to sponsor you. 499 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:38,600 And she walked away. 500 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,280 And so I called her at 6 a.m. 501 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,320 You know, and she'd say, have you dropped your knees 502 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:44,960 and thank your God for another day of life 503 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,080 and another day of sobriety? 504 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:46,920 And I'd say no. 505 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,680 And she'd say, well, why don't you do that and call me back? 506 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,080 And after a few months of her telling me 507 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,640 to do that every single day, you know, 508 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,200 I did it one day before I called 509 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,200 and then she was just giving some other direction. 510 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,680 But that woman saved my life. 511 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,520 You know, we would meet twice a week 512 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,000 before two of our meetings and we'd sit in her car 513 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,800 and we would read the book Alcoholics Anonymous 514 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,120 and the 12 and 12, and we'd read it, you know, 515 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,600 word for word, line by line. 516 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:08,720 And at the end of each page, 517 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,200 we'd talk about what stood out to her 518 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,480 and what stood out to me. 519 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,640 And I'm so grateful for that because I was a mess. 520 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,920 That wouldn't have made any sense to me, a lot of it, 521 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:21,000 you know, and I got commitments at my, all my meetings. 522 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,840 You know, I used to be this, I was brand new 523 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,240 and like had to wear a dress and nylons and like high heels. 524 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,640 She made me do all these things. 525 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,720 And at this like speaker meeting in Newport Beach 526 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:34,880 and she'd say, you know, why don't you smile 527 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,640 and shake people's hands and ask them how they are. 528 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,240 And I thought, I don't care how they are, you know, 529 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,040 like you're making me wear this clown suit. 530 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:41,720 And, but I didn't want to tell her that. 531 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,720 So I would just smile and ask you how you were. 532 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,600 And she'd say, you know, at the end of the meeting, 533 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,120 she said, do you remember anyone's name 534 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:48,960 that you met tonight? 535 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:49,800 I'd say, yeah. 536 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,480 She said, okay, why don't you start a journal 537 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,200 when you go home, write a few characteristics 538 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,920 of that person down in their name. 539 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,560 And then next week when you see them say, 540 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,640 hi, John, nice to see you, you know? 541 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,240 And then it became like, did anyone share something 542 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,680 about what's going on in their life? 543 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:03,680 And I'd say, yeah, she said, okay, 544 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,400 well, why don't you call them on Monday or Tuesday 545 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,720 and ask them how they are. 546 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,440 And she started to teach me how to care about new 547 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,840 and to not think about myself. 548 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,400 And, you know, I, even though I was sober, 549 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,640 I still had all those defects of character, 550 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,760 just because you're sober doesn't mean you're great. 551 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,360 You know, and I got fired from my first job 552 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,080 for stealing office supplies, you know, 553 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,200 and 'cause I'm a thief, I'm a taker. 554 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,200 That's who I am. 555 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,680 And, and I had told everybody there that I was sober in AA. 556 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,920 I didn't know about anonymity, you know, 557 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,400 and I knew what a bad example I was. 558 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,360 And my sponsor taught me, you know, 559 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,520 you're gonna use office supplies in the office. 560 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,040 And if you want office supplies at home, 561 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,880 you need to buy 'em, you know, 562 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,160 and that's basic stuff you should know. 563 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,080 But I was a taker and I had a lot of defects of character, 564 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,000 but I started taking the steps with her. 565 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:52,160 And I, you know, I'm a person, I went to two meetings, 566 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,200 you know, a day for probably 18 months. 567 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,080 And I just, I'm not a person that got comfortable 568 00:19:58,080 --> 00:19:59,520 right away here. 569 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,560 I had to do the work. 570 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:01,880 I had to take these steps. 571 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,440 I had to have commitments. 572 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,280 I still do. 573 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,720 I'm still a person that goes to a lot of meetings. 574 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,360 I have commitments at all my meetings. 575 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,560 I have an opportunity to work with women. 576 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:11,400 I pray. 577 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,640 I have to do everything here for some reason. 578 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,280 But I just started to take the steps with her 579 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,840 and we got to the amend step and she asked me, 580 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,120 you know, I went through my list with her 581 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,120 and she asked me which one was gonna be the hardest. 582 00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:22,960 I said, my parents. 583 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,320 She said, oh great, you'll do them first. 584 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,680 I thought, oh my God, this lady will not give me a break. 585 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,320 You know, and I'm so grateful that she had me 586 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,760 make amends to them first. 587 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,360 And I sat across from my folks, 588 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:34,000 it was Saturday afternoon, 589 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,000 and I made a direct and specific amends 590 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,680 and I asked if I'd left anything out, 591 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,160 what I could do to make it right. 592 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,000 And my mom was in Elanon and she had this list ready for me 593 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,000 to do things to make it right. 594 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,720 And her beautiful penmanship. 595 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,960 And I remember getting in my car 596 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,400 and driving down the street and parking. 597 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,520 I just started to cry because my life changed that day. 598 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,000 I wasn't crying 'cause I was upset 599 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,240 about what they were asking me to do. 600 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,760 I was just so grateful they were giving me the opportunity 601 00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:58,600 to make it right. 602 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,200 You know, and I did everything that they asked me 603 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,520 to do on that list. 604 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:04,640 I'm a girl that was not welcome at holidays 605 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,360 that they're home or welcome in their home 606 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,520 for over a year. 607 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,280 You know, but I did all of those things. 608 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,000 And then my sponsor said I should call them 609 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,240 and let them know that I had finished everything. 610 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,920 Thank them for the opportunity. 611 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,920 And I did, and they were both really nice about it. 612 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,080 And my dad, who was a man of very, very, very, very 613 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,880 few words, you know, called me that night and he said, 614 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,640 "Babe, we're gonna have a family barbecue. 615 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,600 We'd love for you to join us this weekend." 616 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:28,680 And by doing those things, 617 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,400 you allowed me to be a daughter again. 618 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,280 You allowed me the opportunity and privilege 619 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,600 to sit across from them at holidays, you know, 620 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,240 to be there on their birthdays. 621 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,000 You know, to be there and hold my mom's hand 622 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,200 when they took her off the life support machine. 623 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,080 To be there with a smile on my face 624 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,680 when my dad was dying from cancer. 625 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,640 You know, Alcoholics Anonymous gave me that opportunity 626 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,520 and what a gift, you know. 627 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,840 But, you know, I ended up marrying that guy 628 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,960 that suggested that I get sober 629 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,720 and we weren't married very long. 630 00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:00,200 You know, I don't even know how long, not very long. 631 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,840 But, you know, he ended up drinking again 632 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,520 and didn't want to get sober. 633 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,880 And I did not read the chapter two wives in our book, 634 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,960 Alcoholics Anonymous, about how to be a good wife 635 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,080 to somebody who was struggling, if I'm honest. 636 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:14,760 You know, and I left that marriage 637 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,080 and I thought it's all his fault. 638 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,280 It's him, him, him, him, him. 639 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,440 And, you know, it says that we'll know 640 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,720 how to handle situations which used to baffle us. 641 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,760 And within, I don't know, 48 hours, 642 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:24,560 I knew that I had a part in that marriage, 643 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,920 a big part in the demise of that marriage. 644 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,520 And so I scheduled a time to sit across from him 645 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,360 because I've been taught that I need to continue 646 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,920 to take an inventory and when I'm wrong, 647 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,160 I need to promptly admit it. 648 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,320 And I sat across from him. 649 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,120 He showed up at Mimi's Cafe in Tustin. 650 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:39,840 He had been in a bar fight the night before, just beat up. 651 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,880 And I made amends and we left. 652 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,000 And then whenever we have that moment of silence 653 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,560 for the alcoholic who's still suffering, 654 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:47,760 I always think of Mike. 655 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:51,520 And probably, gosh, I guess probably 18 years ago now, 656 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,680 I was speaking at a meeting in Fullerton 657 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,880 and I walked through the greeting line and he was sober. 658 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:56,720 He was there. 659 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,840 And I just remember feeling so happy and grateful 660 00:22:58,840 --> 00:22:59,680 that he was sober. 661 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,640 And that's God and AA working in my life 662 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,320 because the girl that came to you hated everybody. 663 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:08,480 I would have hated him and I hope he's still sober today. 664 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,560 But around that time, I'm going through this divorce, 665 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:15,400 my first sponsored drink and I moved to Laguna Beach 666 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,760 and I've learned that when things are good 667 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,640 and things are bad, more alcoholics anonymous always works. 668 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,920 And so I just got back to basics, 669 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,320 going to meetings every day and getting commitments. 670 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,720 I got a new sponsor and I became obsessed 671 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:33,240 with finding a new husband because I'm that kind of person. 672 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,160 And I go on these dates with these men 673 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,440 and I think, "You're the one." 674 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:37,640 He'd be like, "No, I'm not." 675 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:38,960 I'm like, "Yes, you are the one." 676 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,800 (laughing) 677 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:41,640 Crazy girl. 678 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,560 And a few months of that kind of behavior, 679 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,480 I was sitting in my cubicle at work 680 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,240 and it occurred to me like I felt it deep inside 681 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,080 that if all I ever got to be was Tara, sober member of AA, 682 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,280 then that was enough for me. 683 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,760 And that obsession left me and a few months later, 684 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,120 I was at the powwow and I met my husband, Chris, 685 00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,840 and he's a sober member of AA. 686 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,520 We've been married for 20 years. 687 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:05,440 We have two children, our son's 16, our daughter's 18, 688 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,200 and our kids have never seen us drink. 689 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,320 They've seen me act like a lunatic. 690 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,960 You know, I mean, I'm human, I'm not perfect. 691 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:15,360 You know, they've seen me have some emotional outbursts, 692 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:19,240 but I have tools today to make that right and take, 693 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,040 you know, I think of that, you know, 694 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,360 six and seven, step six and seven, 695 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,160 and like going and asking God to remove 696 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,600 the defects of character and then acting like he has, 697 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,680 you know, and so we have those kids 698 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,400 and you know, life is good. 699 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,600 I came to a high school dropout 700 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,800 and I started going to college my first year sober 701 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,360 and I was so irresponsible. 702 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,720 I enrolled for class and like never go back 703 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,120 and get an F or a W or whatever. 704 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,920 And so it took me 17 years to get a four year degree, 705 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,520 you know, but I finally did it. 706 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,960 And I'm not a quick study at all, 707 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,320 but I remember my dad, you know, 708 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,920 being in that stadium at the graduation 709 00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,960 and he was so happy and it was like an immense 710 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,320 'cause he had worked so hard to give me that opportunity, 711 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,440 you know, and along the way, 712 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,680 one night I was at my Monday night home group meeting. 713 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,280 I was the birthday girl and I had a new dress on. 714 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,080 I'd had dinner with my husband. 715 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,800 Life couldn't have been better, you know, 716 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:15,480 and I announced birthdays from the podium 717 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,840 and stepped off the podium and my husband was there. 718 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,200 He said, your mom was in an accident, we need to go. 719 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:21,400 I said, okay, we'll go in a minute. 720 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:22,880 He said, no, we should go now. 721 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,560 And I called my dad as I was leaving the meeting hall 722 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:26,640 and walk into the car. 723 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,200 And my dad said that my mom had been hit by a car 724 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,280 and wasn't gonna make it. 725 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:31,800 And my life changed that day. 726 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,840 You know, I remember getting in the car. 727 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,760 I was in Bellflower at my home group 728 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,640 and my parents were living in Temecula. 729 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,000 They bought a retirement home. 730 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,120 They were so excited about their future. 731 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,320 And my husband started driving us to the hospital. 732 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,600 And you know, I'm still a person if I'm honest, 733 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:50,160 sometimes my go-to isn't to call you and ask for help, 734 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,200 but I did that night. 735 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,920 I called my sponsor and said, this is what's going on. 736 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,560 I called, you know, my three best girlfriends in AA 737 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:57,840 and I said, this is what's going on. 738 00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:59,280 I think I'm gonna need some help. 739 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,240 And I got to be there, you know, 740 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,400 and pace the hallways with my dad and hold my mom's hand 741 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,440 when they took her off of the life support machine. 742 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:07,920 And I'm so grateful for that. 743 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,600 I'm so grateful that my dad knew where to find me 744 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:12,200 and that they even wanted me there. 745 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,600 And you know, I mean, what a gift. 746 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,400 And the next day we came home and, you know, 747 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,880 I have to say that when my mom died 748 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,680 and then later on when my dad died, 749 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:22,920 we were good with each other. 750 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,560 My parents loved AA. 751 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,560 They love that you gave me back to them. 752 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:27,920 You know, my mom would say, 753 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:29,640 Mija, just keep going to those meetings. 754 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,520 Just keep going, you know? 755 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:33,240 But anyways, the next day we came home 756 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,000 after making funeral arrangements 757 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,480 and there was a spiral bound notebook by our phone 758 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,960 and there was just so many names and numbers 759 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,360 and messages of people from AA who called. 760 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,560 You know, I asked it, offering their condolences. 761 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:46,480 Can they bring food? 762 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:47,800 Do we need help with our kids? 763 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,440 And I learned in that experience 764 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,320 that we really truly can stay sober through anything, 765 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:53,480 no matter what. 766 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,000 We just have to keep showing up. 767 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,560 We have to keep coming here and be really honest 768 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,280 about what we're doing and how we're living 769 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:00,920 and what's going on in our lives. 770 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,600 You know, there's nothing you can say that will surprise us. 771 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,080 You know, I mean, nothing. 772 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,000 If you're gonna be scandalous, that's okay. 773 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,840 Just do it here with us, you know, and keep coming. 774 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,600 And, you know, and then a few months later, 775 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,280 my dad had a stroke and he struggled for a long time. 776 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:19,360 And, you know, when he got his terminal cancer diagnosis, 777 00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:22,240 you know, I just made sure that to make it, 778 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,320 it wasn't about me. 779 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,680 You know, I got to show up at those chemotherapy appointments 780 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,560 with a smile on my face like you've taught me to do to serve 781 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,240 and not put, oh, poor me, you know, this gloomy face. 782 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:32,320 My dad didn't need that. 783 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,560 He needed someone smiling and laughing 784 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,520 and I was able to do that. 785 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,360 And, you know, when he passed away again, 786 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:39,400 we were right with each other 787 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,600 because of God and Alcoholics Anonymous. 788 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,880 And, you know, I mean, what I do today, 789 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,880 you know, what it's like now. 790 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,600 I still, like I said, I go to meetings. 791 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:49,920 I go to four meetings a week. 792 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,800 I have commitments at my meetings. 793 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:52,960 I always start my day. 794 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:53,800 I get out of bed. 795 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,400 I immediately roll onto my knees and start my prayers. 796 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,280 You know, I say the third and seventh step prayers 797 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,320 and some other prayers. 798 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,440 I do read the daily reflections in 24 hours a day. 799 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,480 And my husband and I just this week started reading 800 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:09,000 like a little meditation together 801 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:10,960 and that's been really cool. 802 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,200 I work, I'm an occupational therapist. 803 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:18,040 I work with geriatrics and I get to go out 804 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:21,320 and bring AA and God with me and serve God and my fellows. 805 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,520 And it's the coolest thing ever, you know, 806 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:27,040 it's physical rehabilitation and I love it. 807 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,680 And I go in and I work, you know, 808 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,320 I put in eight hours of work for eight hours of pay. 809 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,160 I don't cut corners because I've been taught 810 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:34,320 that that's not how we live. 811 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,080 I have to practice these principles in all of my affairs, 812 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:38,920 even when someone's not looking, you know, 813 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,800 and I have the good fortune of being able 814 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:44,800 to sponsor some women and what a gift, you know, 815 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,040 if you're new and you're like, oh, I don't, 816 00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,360 I don't want to bother anyone about sponsoring. 817 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:50,800 If you ask someone to sponsor you, 818 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,800 you're just doing something so good for their lives. 819 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:54,960 You know, you're going to make their life 820 00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,560 so much better, really. 821 00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,040 And, you know, I have call times with those girls 822 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:01,800 and, you know, I start my morning talking to them. 823 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,040 I talk to a few at lunch, some after work, 824 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:05,240 I see them at meetings. 825 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:09,880 And, you know, I just recently, one of my girls had a baby 826 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,440 and I got a call from her husband when she was going, 827 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,400 when she was in labor at the hospital. 828 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,960 And then he called me once the baby was born with a picture. 829 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:18,680 And I just thought, I called my sponsor. 830 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:19,920 I said, thank you so much. 831 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:22,800 Like a girl like me gets to get a call like that. 832 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:25,560 You know, I mean, what a gift, you know, it's, it's, 833 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,520 I can't believe it, you know, and it's so cool. 834 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:33,000 But I also continue to take a personal inventory every day. 835 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,160 I read a little something and if I'm wrong, 836 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:36,520 I have to admit it. 837 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,640 You know, I'm the kind of person I can't just, 838 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:42,720 I can't just walk around here without admitting my faults 839 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:44,120 because it'll eat away at me. 840 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,720 When I got to you, I was like an avoider. 841 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:48,640 If I saw someone at the grocery store that I had harmed, 842 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,680 I would like leave the grocery cart and leave, you know, 843 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,400 and, and, and I can't live like that anymore. 844 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,200 But, you know, I, I want to say, 845 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,760 I think I probably said when I started that if you're new, 846 00:29:57,760 --> 00:29:59,640 I hope you stay and find what I found here. 847 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,440 And I'm going to share with you what I found here 848 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:02,960 in the last few minutes. 849 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,000 So I think, you know, it's easy to, 850 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:06,480 to confuse what we find here. 851 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,640 Like, you know, I've managed to get married. 852 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:13,400 We have some kids, we have a house, you know, career, 853 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:15,680 and that's all great, but that's not what I found here. 854 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,440 You know, what I found here first and foremost 855 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,440 is a relationship with a power greater than me 856 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:22,760 that I call God who has saved my butt. 857 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:24,880 You know, there are two times in my sobriety 858 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,760 where I wanted to drink and I didn't want to call my sponsor 859 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:29,080 and I didn't want to call any friends. 860 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:30,800 I felt like I had to drink. 861 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:33,640 And I'm so grateful that I had put in the time 862 00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:35,200 of trying to develop a relationship 863 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:36,760 with a power greater than me. 864 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:37,920 Cause I remember, you know, 865 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,800 one night being at my Wednesday night meeting, 866 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,920 my meeting face was on, everything's good. 867 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:43,640 And I went home and had to drink, you know, 868 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:46,160 and, and I just remember pacing my apartment 869 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,720 and I got on my knees and asked God to help me stay sober. 870 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:50,000 And I stayed sober. 871 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:51,760 And I'm so grateful for that relationship. 872 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:53,040 I never feel alone. 873 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,360 A second thing I found here is a relationship 874 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:56,360 with my sponsor. 875 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,920 Tina has been my sponsor for 21 years. 876 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:02,040 And you know, I admire and respect her. 877 00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:03,960 I don't confuse my relationship with her. 878 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:05,200 She's not my buddy. 879 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:06,600 She's my sponsor. 880 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:08,920 And you know, when I call her with a problem 881 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:11,760 and she gives me direction, I follow that direction. 882 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:13,280 You know, I don't debate it. 883 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,240 She's not emotionally attached to my stuff. 884 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:16,680 And I trust her with my life. 885 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:19,160 And I just do what she tells me to do. 886 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:20,520 I've also found here, you know, 887 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:23,720 host of friends who are more like family. 888 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:24,560 You know, I, in fact, 889 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,560 one of my best girlfriends adopted our niece. 890 00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:29,880 So she's our family, you know, and, and those friends, 891 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,400 I could call them at 3 AM on a Wednesday night. 892 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,880 And I know they drive from LA to Dana point 893 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,240 where I live like that. 894 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:37,600 They wouldn't even ask twice. 895 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:39,200 And I would do the same for them. 896 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,360 You know, and we laugh and we have a good time. 897 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:44,440 And I mean, we go to potlucks, we go to birthday parties. 898 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:46,800 I mean, weddings, there's just so much, 899 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,080 so much joy here in AA. 900 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:52,920 And another thing I found here is the ability to stay calm 901 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,640 when I'm in the eye of the storm, you know, 902 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:56,680 because life on life's terms is going to happen. 903 00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,440 You know, things are good, 904 00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,600 but sometimes things are going to be bad. 905 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:02,600 And, and I think about that. 906 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,560 And I think I'm able to stay calm during that 907 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:07,160 because I have faith, you know, 908 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,680 and I've sat in here for, you know, 909 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:11,240 day after day, week after week, 910 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:13,160 listening to you guys share, you know, 911 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:14,640 people getting through cancer, 912 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:17,400 people losing their kids and still staying sober, 913 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,600 you know, people losing their jobs, 914 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,480 going through divorces, losing their parents. 915 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:24,760 And so by sitting here and really listening 916 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:26,560 and hearing how you get through it, 917 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,320 when I've kind of been in that bad spot, 918 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:31,040 I thought, okay, I'm going to be okay. 919 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:32,480 I'm going to get through it too. 920 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:36,480 You know, and I've also found here an ability to be useful. 921 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:38,000 And I'm so grateful for that 922 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:40,200 because when I came to you, I was useless. 923 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:41,680 People were like, get the hell out of here. 924 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,440 You know, they did not want me around. 925 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,440 They weren't inviting me to do anything. 926 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,320 And, and I just learned how to be useful here. 927 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,840 You know, and it started by having commitments, right? 928 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,080 By showing up, doing my commitment, 929 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,280 the way that it was asked of me to do, 930 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:57,640 not trying to cut corners or change it at all, 931 00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:59,240 just do the damn commitment. 932 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,600 You know, and you taught me how to be one among many 933 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,280 and that's just really carrying on 934 00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:05,720 in so many areas of my life. 935 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:08,000 Like in the workplace, being a team player, 936 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,960 you know, at home, being one among many 937 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:11,960 and putting the welfare of my family first 938 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,240 before my own selfish needs. 939 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:16,000 And I just, it's amazing. 940 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,360 You know, and I'll end with this. 941 00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:20,680 A number of years ago, our kids used to like to go 942 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:23,720 to this like puppet time story hour at Barnes and Noble. 943 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,040 And we would go, it was every Tuesday morning at 9.30 944 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:27,280 and we'd go and they'd have fun. 945 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:28,880 And then I'd put them in a double stroller 946 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:30,120 and they had a Starbucks there. 947 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,400 So I'd get them a snack and walk around 948 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:33,680 and look at, you know, books. 949 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,120 And there was this book 950 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:38,120 on the New York Times bestseller shelf for a long time. 951 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:40,280 And the title was "A Purpose Driven Life." 952 00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:41,680 And I've heard it's very good. 953 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:43,560 I haven't read it, but I've heard it's good. 954 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:44,760 And on the cover, it would say 955 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:46,720 however many millions of copies were sold. 956 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,320 And I just remember walking by that book every week 957 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:50,680 and my heart would smile. 958 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:52,760 And it occurred to me that there were so many millions 959 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:54,560 of people looking for a purpose. 960 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:57,280 You know, but look at us, we come here the way we are 961 00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:58,920 and we do a few simple things 962 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,640 and we get this amazing purpose to stay sober, 963 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,800 to carry the message to another alcoholic. 964 00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:06,640 'Cause no one can do it better than we can 965 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:08,120 'cause we have that experience. 966 00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:10,480 And I just feel so grateful. 967 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:13,760 You know, I love AA and there's just not one single thing 968 00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,000 that anyone here could tell me that would change my mind. 969 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,600 I love it and I'm gonna keep coming back. 970 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:18,440 Thanks for having me. 971 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:19,280 - Thank you.