1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,200 All right. Hi, my name is Terry. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Adam. Had to ask him his name just 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:11,620 now. That's how self-obsessed I am. Thank you. Good share though. I'm glad you're here. 3 00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:16,860 The year is a big deal. And thank you, Karen. Thank you for asking me to come do this. I 4 00:00:16,860 --> 00:00:23,500 don't know how you got my name, but okay, here we go. Good luck with that. And it's 5 00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:29,140 really nice to be in an AA meeting with enthusiasm. You guys like your little pocket of enthusiasm 6 00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:34,240 out here. Unexpectedly. It was very nice to walk in here and everybody's greeting us and 7 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:38,400 you know, and welcoming us. And you guys seem to have such a great little fellowship going 8 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:43,620 on in here. You know, thank you, Scott, for bringing us in and bringing, making me feel 9 00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:51,680 so welcome. So let's say I, I'm my, my sobriety date is May 10th, 1998. And I just turned 10 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:57,560 25 not long ago. And I'm in the middle, you know, from the group that I, my home group 11 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:05,480 is the Pacific group. I've been there for 25 years. And I just recently, I've been married 12 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:11,520 for 17 years. My husband's in the program. He's at our meeting, our home group meeting. 13 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:17,440 We go to it on Saturday night, way life in Santa Monica. And I don't know what else is 14 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:24,440 it as soon as God takes over, I'd be fine. I always get nervous speaking. Thank you. 15 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:34,680 I thought our group was brutal. Yeah. So you know, and, and I'm really grateful. I think 16 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:39,200 the reason I mentioned that about my husband is that you know, we mentioned sponsorship 17 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:46,720 and I had a sponsor. My sponsor was Susie Altman and she was my sponsor for 18 years. 18 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:52,720 And my husband also had my husband's sponsor was Clancy and then he had Jeff Nichols. And 19 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:58,280 in this last year, both of our sponsors passed. So you know, we lost Clancy when we lost his 20 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:03,160 second, his, it was actually his first sponsor. And then he was, he got went back to him and 21 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:08,460 then he, and then he passed. So, you know, we've had a big change in our, my, our house 22 00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:15,280 in our group. I want to share a little bit to identify, you know, I started out in San 23 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:20,560 Pedro, California, you know, South Bay. I'm a South Bay girl. I live there. I live in 24 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:28,080 South Bay still. You know, and I, and I love it there. I just drinking was started around 25 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:36,640 12 or 13. I mean, when I first started drinking, it was like, I drank and I thought I want 26 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:43,280 to do this for the rest of my life. It was like, I was like, I want to do this as often 27 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:50,400 as possible. And you know, and I did, I did it as often as possible as a 12 or 13 year 28 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:58,280 old could do, you know? And I, I, it instantly took me, you know, I instantly started ditching 29 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:02,320 school. I'm outside the, I'm out of the house at night. I'm not supposed to be out there 30 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:10,360 on the street, but I'm out there. You know, I, I ran away when I was 15. And you know, 31 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:15,240 and I just slept in a car. That was my first night out on the street. I stayed out on the 32 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:20,780 streets and it's nothing like it is today. Oh my God. I'm so glad that I didn't experience 33 00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:24,920 what's going on out there today. You know, I'm so grateful that I'm sober today and not 34 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:29,680 out there, you know, I don't know if I would survive the way it is out there, but when 35 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:36,640 I was out there, I stayed on the streets for from 15 till I was 24. And, except for the 36 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:43,000 times I was in jail, I was one of those that, you know, I, I started drinking and I, I thought 37 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:48,880 I had a right, you know, it's like, I was irritable, discontent as a child. I was always 38 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:53,520 weird, always awkward, didn't fit in, you know, and it's like, it's so weird. We're 39 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:57,640 all like that. I don't know why we're like that, but you know, you know, and I can blame 40 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:02,720 a hundred things reasons why I turned out to be the way I am, or, you know, and the 41 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:09,000 way I became it, but it really, really, really, I was with a newcomer today and I had, she 42 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:13,120 came over to my house and helped me clean and it gave her a little cash and, you know, 43 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:18,160 and she's resentful at being sober and we started talking and well, what it came down 44 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:22,680 to is she's resentful that she's, that she's not normal. You know, I was like, you're 45 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,620 just mad cause you want to be normal. You know, you know, she's mad at having to go 46 00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:31,960 all these meetings and be sober and, and all the things that she didn't do in her life. 47 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,960 And I said, well, that's just because you're not a normal person. Maybe if you were a normal 48 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:41,180 person, you could have accomplished all those things. Well, I related to that. I never accomplished 49 00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:45,920 anything, you know, to this day, I haven't accomplished anything. You know, it's the 50 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:50,680 only thing I've accomplished is to stay sober for 25 years, you know, and even then I didn't 51 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:55,040 accomplish that, you know, you guys did it, you know, I did it by following you and do 52 00:04:55,040 --> 00:05:01,680 what you did. So I started drinking. I, I became, I was out on the street. I, I, you 53 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:05,720 know, the things that I did out there, it doesn't make me an alcoholic, but I did them, 54 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:09,460 you know, and I'm, I'm grateful that I did the things I did on the streets because I 55 00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:13,480 can, I help a lot of women that have been out there, you know, and I had done things 56 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,640 that, you know, other people don't quite get. And as a matter of fact, I didn't think I 57 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:22,640 could come to AA because I was afraid because of all the things that I had did out there, 58 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:27,600 you know, that I just didn't think just a normal, normal alcoholic, you know, you know, 59 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:32,780 sitting drinking his, their drinks at the desk in their drawer or whatever, you know, 60 00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:37,780 I don't know what I thought an alcoholic was, you know, but that, that that's not true. 61 00:05:37,780 --> 00:05:42,680 What happened was I ended up on the streets and, you know, did all the things that a young 62 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:48,280 girl on the street shouldn't be doing. And I ended up, I ended up like I had arrived. 63 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:53,120 I ended up, I became a biker. I don't know how that happened, but you know, I was young 64 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:57,280 and all of a sudden I'm in the biker scene. And then, and then I became a burglar and 65 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:01,440 I was out there and I was like burglar and I wore a little black beanies and little black 66 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:07,720 outfits and you know, and it's like my drinking just like put me in those places, you know, 67 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:13,360 it's like I, my drinking put me with people, places and things, you know, I found the people, 68 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:17,360 my crate, you know, my people out there and I, and I just ran with people that drink like 69 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:23,000 I drink, you know, and and and then I had all the other outside issue things, you know, 70 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,900 I don't know if just normal people just go out there and do those things out there, but 71 00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:31,600 I did. And that's probably why I ended up such a low bottom out there. And you know, 72 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:36,800 then I ended up getting arrested and you know, when I got sober, they told me, Oh, let's 73 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:41,880 see if you're an alcoholic. You know, it's like, you need to read Bill's story, see if 74 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:46,400 you identify with Bill's story. And you know, somebody gave me a big book and you know, 75 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:52,180 and I read Bill's story and you know, there was a time when I was living in a VW van and 76 00:06:52,180 --> 00:06:57,920 literally living in the van. And I remember I had like fifths of Kessler's whiskey because 77 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:03,480 it was cheap and it roared across the United States in this van, you know, went to somewhere 78 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:09,560 back east and got some money that this guy had that from the, his, his, you know, whatever 79 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:14,720 unemployment or whatever it was. And we got like $7,000 and we were high on the world, 80 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:20,840 you know, and we, we, you know, like got motel rooms, not hotels, but motel rooms, you know, 81 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,480 and I got sober, I learned the difference between a motel and a hotel, you know, and 82 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:30,040 we, we, and then we'd live in a motel and we're like, you know, had it all together 83 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:34,340 and, and then we'd use all that money up and there we are back in the streets again, you 84 00:07:34,340 --> 00:07:38,680 know, it's like, and Bill's story, you know, you roared across the United States or roared 85 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:44,520 across on his motorcycle and he had good times and, and then he had bad times and I related 86 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:50,840 all that, you know, and that was kind of like my story and, you know, so I bought him out. 87 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:55,800 I go to jail and I get in jail and I try, I swear when I get out of here, I'm gonna, 88 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,880 I swear when I get out of here, I'm going to get my life together. I'm going to get 89 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:02,920 a job and I'm going to put myself together. I'm going to get it together. And I went to 90 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:08,920 civil brand one time and they released me and I, on the way down the hill, somebody 91 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:15,200 had a beer and I drank and next thing I knew I was in somebody's bathroom, you know, drinking 92 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:19,800 and whatever we were doing. And, you know, there went that plan. You know, and another 93 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:26,400 time I was in a, I went into, I was running good, good, sufficient reasons. I went into 94 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:31,800 the state mental hospital at Norwalk and I checked myself in there cause I had some violations 95 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:36,760 of probation and, and I was in there for six months and, and I swore when I get out of here, 96 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:41,040 I'm going to get it together. You know, I'm going to get a job and we get my life together 97 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:44,960 with everything in me. I believe that, you know, and next thing and grandma's giving 98 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:49,080 me, you know, little money and coming to visit mom's visiting and you know, I swear when 99 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,840 I get out of here, I'm gonna get it together. Well, we snuck off to a football game and 100 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:56,720 I, and we drank a beer and we snuck up and I had to drink a beer real quick and drink 101 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,720 a bunch of water. We'll be okay. And get back to the house and they'll test us and everything 102 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:04,120 will be all right. And I don't know, that's what my thinking was. Right. And you know, 103 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:08,100 I drank that beer and next thing I was talking to one of the guys out of leaving the house 104 00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:13,160 with me and we went and got a fifth of something and drank that. I put him in a motel room. 105 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,640 I got on a bus, left all my clothes on the bus and ended up at, you know, somebody's 106 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:22,960 house, you know, and there I was one more time and it, it over and over and over. And 107 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,960 then it got to the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. You talked 108 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:32,000 about that and I would be like, I would get like so miserable out there living the way 109 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:37,280 I had to live that I couldn't stand it, that I had to get sober. I had to, and then I get 110 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:42,560 sober and I get so miserable that I couldn't stand it that I have to drink. Now I went 111 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:48,840 to another fellowship because of that outside thing that I had going on. I just call them 112 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:54,800 drugs, whatever, you know, and I was outside, you know, I had this, I got directed to the 113 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:59,440 other fellowship by the court system and I went there and I was there for 12 years and 114 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:04,520 you know, 12 years is a long time. I did everything. I went to meetings, I interacted with everybody. 115 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:09,280 I sponsored people. I had sponsored seven women at one point, but the one thing I didn't 116 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:14,200 do was I didn't respect sobriety. I didn't respect money. I didn't respect people. And 117 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,400 I used people, places and things during that period of time, just like I did alcohol, you 118 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,240 know, and to the point where, you know, I got sober and all of a sudden, you know, I'm 119 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:25,720 a girl off the streets. I don't have, I don't even know how to make a bet. You know, I didn't 120 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:31,480 even work. And, you know, so I got a little job in a donut shop. I got credit cards. Next 121 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,280 thing I had, all my credit cards were maxed out because I had no respect for money. I 122 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:39,920 had a sponsor and I sponsored people. I looked good in meetings. I guess I did. And as a 123 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:47,360 result of that, at 12 years, I filed bankruptcy. I was miserable. I didn't know what to do. 124 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:51,760 Everybody else, I was crying all the time and they just didn't get what was wrong with 125 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:55,800 me, what was really going on with me. I think I was suffering from alcoholism, you know, 126 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,880 sober alcoholism. You know, I was suffering because I wasn't following the rules. The 127 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:03,160 rules didn't apply to me. And finally, you know what I did? I went out with somebody 128 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:07,920 from work and I, and they were drinking and they were skiing and water. I wanted to have 129 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,400 some fun. I didn't want to just have to go to meetings. I wanted to have some fun. So 130 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,440 I went out with them and cause I wanted to go out and have fun. You know, I was young, 131 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:20,920 you know, so we went water skiing and they had beer in the thing and I, and they're like, 132 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:25,440 just take a beer. And I didn't want to do cause I had 12 years of sobriety. And I was 133 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:29,880 like, I'm not drinking. And then we went to the Pomona fair and the guy handed me his 134 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,480 beer. He said, just hold this for me. I'll get a ticket for us. And I'm standing there 135 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,560 holding his beer. And he's like, just drink it. I'm like, no, because that place is brain 136 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,800 washes you. I'm like, I'm not drinking at 12 years. Right. So I wasn't spiritually, 137 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:46,260 I just didn't have it. And I stand there and I just drank his beer, you know, 12 years 138 00:11:46,260 --> 00:11:52,040 of sobriety. I downed it. Next thing I downed like four more, you know, four of those big 139 00:11:52,040 --> 00:12:01,300 beers from the fair. And I downed those and good. So I blew 12 years of sobriety. So three 140 00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:06,960 days later I came back to the program and I was fine for the week. And then, and then 141 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,320 I went to work and I got back into my meetings, got my sponsor going back. Now, if you're 142 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:16,320 new, you don't have to go out to drink. This just might, you know, it's just part of my 143 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:22,040 just part of my story. And so the last, so, so the week later I went to work and I came 144 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:25,760 out of work. I had no clue. Like I just didn't know I was an alcoholic. I don't know. You 145 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:30,440 think I would've known that the way I was living out there, you would know that you're 146 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:35,400 an alcoholic, right? I mean, I just didn't get it. And so I came out of work one day 147 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,760 and next thing I went to the grocery store and bought a six pack and sat in the parking 148 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:42,440 lot and drink it, you know, I was like, what happened? I was supposed to be sober, you 149 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:47,360 know? Now I'm like, now I'm really messed up and I'm crying all the time. I'm like, 150 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,800 I don't know what to do with myself. It's finally, somebody directed me. They said, 151 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,880 why don't you just go to AA meeting? Why don't you go meeting morning, noon and night? You 152 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:58,120 should go to the lot of club, go sit in a lot of club. And I didn't know what to do 153 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:01,800 with myself. I couldn't even work. I was so, I don't know if you've ever been so sober 154 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:07,160 without program and without God without, even though I had program, I didn't really have 155 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:11,040 it. Like I was just there for the fellowship or something. I don't know what I was there 156 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:17,040 for. It was weird. And yeah, and I ended up just a mess. So now I'm sitting in the Lana 157 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:22,080 club in Hermosa beach morning, noon TLC club and morning, noon and night. Didn't know what 158 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:27,020 to do with myself. Finally, I met some people that were working the steps in the big book, 159 00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:30,700 you know, I, and I really believe you can even work the steps in the big book too much. 160 00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:35,000 You know, it's like you can do a lot of fellowship that didn't fix me. And then I, then I got 161 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,760 in the book and did the book and the reading and the writing and highlighting and underlining 162 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:44,040 and look at myself. And you know, I learned a lot. I learned, I learned about alcoholism. 163 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,880 I learned about my alcoholism, the lady that was taking me through it. I really, I know 164 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:53,840 this is a weird talk, but I, I really learned all about my alcoholism. I looked at it, you 165 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:58,400 know, I identify with bill all the way. I identify with doctor's opinion all the way. 166 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:04,080 I identify everything that book I identified with and, and I was doing my fourth column 167 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,960 and I couldn't see my part. I didn't have a part anything. Cause I was just a big victim. 168 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:12,420 I just ran through my life as a big, big, big victim. You know, everybody did it to 169 00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:16,600 me. It's because of my mom. She left me when I was a kid because of that person that did 170 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:22,320 that to me or they did this. And I was just filled with resentment and, and I couldn't, 171 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:27,400 and I didn't play a part in any of it. You know, I filed bankruptcy, you know? So finally 172 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:32,040 I was with this lady and I did my fourth column and I went and did my fifth step over there. 173 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:36,600 And she's just like, you don't get it. You're not, you don't have a part in anything. What, 174 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:40,920 what is going on with you? She sent me home to rewrite my fifth step. And I had two years 175 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:45,320 and I went home and I bought a six pack. That was my last time. I went and bought a six 176 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:49,480 pack and I stepped over to the news. I drank three beers and I went to a meeting, I sat 177 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,840 in the meeting and I thought, you know what? I sat in the meeting. I was supposed to be 178 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:57,640 a secretary that night of a meeting. And I sat there in the meeting and I was like, okay, 179 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,960 I'm going to go home. On my way home. I'm thinking I got three more beers in the refrigerator. 180 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,800 I went home and I drank those three beers and I thought, Oh, I might as well have some 181 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,640 fun since I drank. Let's go over to the bar. And the ladies, the lady that was trying to 182 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,440 help me out at the time, she goes, yeah, that's a good idea. Why don't you step over to the 183 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,800 nearest bar and do some controlled drinking. Let's see if you can do that and get away 184 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:19,400 with it. Let's do the test in the big book. She told me, and I did. I went to the zebra 185 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:23,480 room down in Torrance and I sat there, man. I was so excited. I could just sit there, 186 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:28,120 freely drink, even at direct with direction. And I sat there and I drank all night. I drank 187 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:32,760 while she told me to drink three, three screwdriver show and drink three, three drinks and go home 188 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:36,840 and tell me that I wasn't an alcoholic. So I went home and after three screwdrivers and 189 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:42,680 there were like big screwdriver, just a little bit of orange juice bartender knew I was young 190 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:47,640 and dumb and there I was in the bar, you know? And and I went home and I was drunk and she 191 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,720 says, try it again. You know, cause I was confused. Cause I was, I wanted to say I was 192 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:56,760 a big drug addict. So I had a confusion about my alcoholism and it almost killed me. Cause I was, 193 00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:00,920 I just could not accept that I was an alcoholic. I can accept I'm a dolphin cause that's, 194 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:05,560 there's something tied to that. You know, my ego, my pride, you know, I can hang on to that 195 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:11,240 one. Right. I'm somebody finally, you know, say, but I couldn't see the alcoholism. And 196 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:16,200 so then I went to the back of the bar the next night and I drink two, two, cut it back to two 197 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:21,320 screwdrivers and I drank the two screwdrivers and I called her from the payphone cause there's 198 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:25,240 payphones back then. Call her from the payphone. Is it okay? I'm going home. I just drank. I'm 199 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:29,560 not an alcoholic. I'm going home. And when I was passing the bar, the bartender signed another 200 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:35,720 drink on the table. And I'm not kidding you. I drank 10 screwdrivers. I might be exaggerating, 201 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,320 but I know it was close to 10. And then I said, anybody got any Coke in the room? 202 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:44,600 The guy like handed me a gram and I went to the bathroom and everybody had went home. 203 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:49,640 This is my last drunk. I hope to God, this is my last drunk. And I took that in the bathroom and I 204 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:55,640 was drunk and I snorted the whole thing, got it all up in my nose, put water up in there. At one 205 00:16:55,640 --> 00:17:00,280 time, snorted a whole gram. And I came out of that bathroom and I said, call the paramedics, call the 206 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:05,720 paramedics. And he didn't. And I got dumped on my doorstep. Pretty, pretty mangled that night. My 207 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:09,880 last drunk, you know? So if you think you can just go out and drink and get away with it, I don't 208 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:16,680 know. I was convinced I was beaten into sweet and reasonable. I got home and I called the doctor. 209 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:22,360 I called the paramedics on myself and I went to the hospital. And it's funny because the doctor 210 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:26,520 was looking me dead in the eye and he just said, he looked at me in the eye and I'm like crying. 211 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:32,040 I got in the program and I'm supposed to be sober and I'm crying and whining to him. And he looks me 212 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:36,280 dead in the eye and he says, young lady, you really ought to go back to where God is. I'll never 213 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:40,120 forget it. He had a mask on. He looked me dead in the eye and said, you ought to go back to where 214 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:45,400 God is. You know, the next morning I didn't, you know, somebody called me and asked me what was, 215 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,960 you know, if I was okay. And I'm like, they asked me, do you know, do you know anybody to call? Do 216 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:55,240 you have any women to call? Can you call somebody? And I'm like, I don't even, I like just lost any 217 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,880 connection with everybody. And he said, well, I'll tell you what, you know, somebody like you really 218 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:04,520 ought to go to a Pacific room. You go there, maybe that can help you. And he goes, are you willing to 219 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:08,440 pray for a sponsor? Are you willing to pray? And I said, yeah, I'm willing to pray. I'm willing to 220 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:14,760 do anything. I mean, I was on my knees begging God and this lady answered the phone and she said, 221 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:19,880 okay, well meet me out on Monday night, Ohio street. And I did. And that night the women 222 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:24,200 grabbed me and the women took me around and I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. Like it was like 223 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,920 the first day, you know, I came and I got connection. I got meeting phone numbers from 224 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:33,880 everybody, all the women from woman to woman to woman. And for a year, you know, like that's, 225 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:38,680 I got a commitment at every meeting I went to, you know, I got an A, I got active and I got a sponsor 226 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:42,760 and, you know, and I started working the steps, you know, and I did that. I got all the way up to 227 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,600 the ninth step and, you know, I don't know about you, but I filed bankruptcy, you know, that thing's 228 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:51,480 wrote off. I filed bankruptcy, no big deal, right? Not until I got to my fifth, my ninth step, my 229 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:55,800 sponsor said, you know, you need to make amends to that because you basically stole their money. You 230 00:18:55,800 --> 00:19:00,440 know, you need to make amends for that. So I went back to all the people that I, my, my, the first 231 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:05,400 thing I got to get together when I got sober was my, thank God my sponsor was like in the finance 232 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:11,160 class. We had this thing as a finance, you know, like they believe in finance, uh, financial 233 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,560 sobriety. And we got together and, uh, we first thing she did, she had me bring me everything. I 234 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:20,280 owed money on every bill, everything. We sat down and we went over everything. She goes, you know, 235 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:23,320 you're going to get a better job. You're going to pay this off. You're going to pay that off. 236 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,600 You're going to do this and you're going to do that. And you're going to get your life together, 237 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,600 you know, and everything she said came to true, you know, because I was willing to make that 238 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:35,560 amends, you know, and, uh, and I made amends to my mom. I stole her car because when I got drunk, 239 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,800 I used to steal cars. So my mom's car and tore it up, tore the transmission out. Um, 240 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:44,440 one day my mom and I had a period of sobriety. My mom came to me and she said she needed some 241 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:48,840 money, needed help because I was doing all right. I was sober, you know, and I had money and I had 242 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:54,680 extra money and she, and I helped. And she goes, can you help me out? I need about $25,000. And I 243 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:59,480 had it, you know, and I gave it to her, you know, it was came to exactly just about the same amount 244 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:04,120 as that card, the transmission I tore out of it and all the credit cards that I stole from her 245 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:08,840 and all the money that I owed her was about the same. You know, and I said, you know, this is my 246 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:13,400 amends. You don't have to pay me back this, you know, and I gave that to her. And then I made amends 247 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:18,280 with my, my family because, you know, I had been disappeared for so many years that, uh, my amends 248 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:23,560 was to go. And, um, I call my mom every Wednesday. I've been doing that for 20 years, you know, 249 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:28,600 I'm a daughter to her. I go visit with her, you know, I'm her daughter as hard as it is. My mom's 250 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:34,040 a huge narcissist. It's very difficult. Very hard, but you know what? And when we're together more 251 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:39,240 than three days, fish stinks and we get into it, you know, so now we've learned to like interact, 252 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:43,720 you know, at a distance, basically, you know, and we get together periodically and that's okay. 253 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:47,880 It's okay for her. And it's okay for me. Um, I live in her house, uh, that she has out here 254 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:52,840 and is trusted to me and my husband. It's like, you know, I tore her heart out, you know, um, 255 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:58,520 she came to me, uh, after a period of sobriety and said, did you ever come in my house? And I 256 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:03,400 swear I did not, but she, somebody did. And she thinks that I, I swear to God, I didn't do that. 257 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:08,040 I didn't do it, but I did do my grandma's house. I tried to go back and make amends to my grandmother 258 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:12,440 and my grandfather, but they did not want to hear mine. They did not want to talk about it. 259 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:17,080 And the amends was not to talk about it then. And the amends was for me to go spend 10 years, 260 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:23,080 every, every vacation I ever had at work, I went back and was like my, my grandma's daughter, 261 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:27,800 you know, went and visited and that's kind of how I made those amends. And, you know, I just had a 262 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:32,440 lot of amends over the years, you know, it's like, I have some amends out there that can never be 263 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:38,200 right. Can never be righted, you know, and the way I do that is I put people on my couch periodically. 264 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:43,320 Don't ask me to go on my couch tonight. I'm not going to put you there unless I know you. 265 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:49,400 The days have changed. The days have changed. You know, there was a time my husband said, 266 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:54,760 can I bring this guy home tonight? He's like a mess, you know? And, um, and he was like, 267 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:59,480 he was like rocking and bobbing and just, he was a wreck. And I said, yeah, you can bring him home. 268 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:04,200 So we brought him home and he said, put him, set him up on the couch and you're going to sleep 269 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:08,200 there. And he was sitting there just like doing this on the couch. And we're like, okay, we're 270 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:12,920 going to go to bed now. We'll see you in the morning. Okay. He's like, okay, are you going 271 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:17,080 to be all right? Yeah, I'm okay. And we got up in the, we went to bed and we got up in the morning. 272 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:23,560 He was still sitting there for a thing, you know, he disappeared that day. He never came back, but, 273 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:28,200 um, you know, we've had, I've had many, many experiences, you know, it's like, I got into 274 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:34,040 action, you know, I got into like helping others, you know, like giving rights, you know, sponsoring, 275 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:38,680 I don't have to even sponsor people when I got a card to start giving people rights, you know, um, 276 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:44,280 I don't know, I was kind of weird because Clancy, I don't know how much you guys know Clancy or I'm 277 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:49,080 sure that, you know, well, but everybody knows about the Pacific group, but, um, I knew so much 278 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,160 about it that I was like, I'm never going there because they clean up fake leaves in his yard, 279 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:59,080 you know, I have people don't ever go there. They're, they're Nazi group, whatever, you know, 280 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:03,880 don't go there. And I was always told don't go there. Well, let me tell you, I went there in, 281 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:09,640 and what I got was like the ultimate AA. I got thrown in AA there and, um, I went, I went to 282 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:13,880 Clancy's house for 23 years. I'd wake up in the morning and I don't know what to do with free 283 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:18,600 time. What do you do a free time when, you know, when you're sober. So we've got to go to his house 284 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:23,320 on Saturday mornings and play volleyball. And, um, yeah, we cleaned up this yard and stuff, but we 285 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:28,360 got to play in his yard. So we didn't dig, so we didn't step in his dog crap, you know, so we 286 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:32,680 cleaned the yard up and that was like, so we could play there. Um, I got to learn how to think about 287 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:36,920 other people by going to parties and going, celebrating other people's birthday parties. 288 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:41,240 You know, I'm such a selfish person, you know, it's like, who wants to take a Sunday and go to 289 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:45,640 somebody's party? You know, I'd rather go bike riding, go to the beach or do something, you know, 290 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:51,320 but I learned how to like show up for people's sobriety there. Um, you know, I had my party just 291 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:56,520 recently, 25 years. It's like, God, the room was full. It's like 200 people in that room, you know, 292 00:23:56,520 --> 00:24:02,520 me and my friend, Diane, Diane has 35 years and, you know, I've been friends with her for 25 years. 293 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:07,560 You know, that's pretty, that's pretty awesome to have the same friends and know the same people 294 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:13,400 for, you know, a period of time like that. You know, um, uh, I got to date an AA, you know, 295 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:18,600 I'm sorry, I wasn't going to do this. I got to, I'm grateful. I'm grateful. I'm so grateful. Um, 296 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:24,680 I got to, uh, date when I first got into this group, I dated and of course, you know, it's like, 297 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:31,400 uh, thank you very much. Um, my first year, thank you. Yeah. Thank you. My first year, I thank you 298 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:37,480 very much. I, my first year I didn't date because of, you know, my past, you know, in the other 299 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:43,000 group and how I treated people. Um, that was the other thing is, you know, I just needed people to 300 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:48,760 fix me. I was looking for a fix, you know, that excitement and that adrenaline, you know? Yeah. 301 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:53,080 You know, it's like, and then when I was, when it didn't fix me anymore, I just dump you or drop 302 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:58,280 you, you know, and go on to the next one, you know? And I did that for years. No wonder I drank 303 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:03,720 at 12 years. Right. Or that kind of stuff. And, um, in the sobriety, I came in and I was like, 304 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:08,680 when our sponsors talk about no relationships in your first year, you know, put sobriety first, 305 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:14,120 you know, that includes, put sobriety first ahead of working at nights and, you know, doing some 306 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:18,760 things in your life, you know, that you think you want to do. Um, I was willing to sacrifice and, 307 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,080 you know, put sobriety first this time, you know, and as a result of that, I've been sober, 308 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:30,120 you know, and had a pretty good, I've had a pretty good run so far. And, uh, uh, so in a year and a 309 00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:35,800 day, some guy asked me out and of course I went out thinking that I could, and, you know, it 310 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:40,840 turned out bad. It wasn't a good thing. It wasn't, you know, uh, it's to say, I just say that it 311 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:46,040 turned out not good. It was like four years of a death dance again. And, um, and I knew it and I 312 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:51,160 just couldn't say no, you know, and, and we ended up in a divorce and, you know, and that was, 313 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:57,240 that's the way it happened. And a year later, um, this man was speaking at, at a meeting and he, uh, 314 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:01,880 was talking about respecting his sobriety and sobriety came first. They didn't even walk down 315 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:06,760 the aisles of the booze section in the grocery stores. And, but, you know, this man had been 316 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:11,560 through similar experiences as I had, and we both seemed to kind of get to the same spot and 317 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:17,800 spiritually and with God in the same place in the same time. And, you know, and he asked me out and, 318 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:23,320 um, for a year we dated, you know, it was pretty cool. He'd come up in his car and pull up and 319 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:28,680 open the door for me and I'd get in and I never did dating, you know, I never dated anyone, 320 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:36,360 you know, unless you had money, you know? So, um, I learned how to date and, uh, and have fun, 321 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:41,240 you know, and have fun. And, uh, him and I have been doing this for 18 years, having fun, 322 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:45,880 going to meetings and doing fun things and going places and we went to New York and we've done a 323 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:51,000 few things that's fun, you know? Um, so, so what do you do when all that and all the, you know, 324 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:56,920 group stuff happens, you know, we're so active and so part of, and then the main guy, you know, 325 00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:03,000 passes, you know, COVID hit and then everything stopped, but it didn't stop because here we have 326 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:08,120 these people are still up here, man, doing what we've been doing, you know, that zoom thing, 327 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:12,440 like kicked in, you know, thank God for that. You know, and about a couple months later, 328 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,240 after 20 years, I got laid off from my job, you know, because during COVID they just did a cut 329 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:22,840 down because of COVID 20%. And I was one of the people that got cut down and was like shocked, 330 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:28,600 you know? And it's like, what do you do? So the COVID thing hit, the job went, my sponsor went, 331 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:33,240 you know, it's like a lot of things stop and you know what? It didn't really, because we better 332 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:38,680 know how to do AA, just plain simple AA, you know, do my prayers in the morning. I, that's one of the 333 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:43,080 things that is I got, I got that, you know, it's like, I pray every morning, every night, and I 334 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:48,280 pray all day long. I was in there praying before I came out here, you know, it's like, I go to work 335 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:53,480 and I pray and I ask God to help guide me, guide my thinking and direct my thoughts. You know, 336 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:58,280 recently I hit 25 years and I found myself a little edgy and a little angry, you know, 337 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:02,120 and then people on the freeway, right? When I got on the freeway, it was like, no, you're not, 338 00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:06,120 you're not going to get in. You're not going to, and you're not letting me over. Well, you know, 339 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:10,680 what's up with that? You know, why won't you let me in? You know, I was like driving around like 340 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:16,120 this and then I get to work and my coworkers like challenging me, like, how dare you challenge me? 341 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:20,760 You know, you know, it's like, wait a minute, you know, and he's like kind of yelling at me 342 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:24,840 and the next thing he's in my face, standing up face to face to me and he's new and he's 343 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:28,840 like four months and he's like, you know, telling me what I should be doing. And I'm like, wait a 344 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:34,680 minute, stop yelling at me. You're yelling at me. He stopped it. And they say, I'm yelling at me. 345 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:40,360 And I scream at him with everything down in here. And I realized the anger and the rage I had was 346 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:45,000 like scary. Like all of a sudden I realized I'm taking these actions and I'm sober, but I'm having 347 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:50,280 tantrums at work. I'm having tantrums on a free. What is going on with me? And thank God I have a 348 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:55,480 sponsor, you know, thank God, you know, I got a new sponsor after my sponsor passed, somebody that 349 00:28:55,480 --> 00:29:01,880 had a numpad wife, a numpad for my whole sobriety, you know, and I started talking to her and, and I 350 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:06,120 got honest and he was talking and started talking to people about what I was doing. And you know, 351 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:12,920 what it came down to was I'm good at praying and meditating, but I needed to change my, my actions. 352 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:17,400 You know, there comes a point where it's, yeah, we're, you know, praying God and everything's 353 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:22,040 great. God relieved me on my defects and character and all that, but become the point where we become 354 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:27,800 responsible for our actions. And I had to get like stopped. I had to pause, you know, pause when 355 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:33,240 agitated and doubtful and ask God for the right thoughts and actions. And so now I hate this 356 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:38,840 though. Every night I go to bed for the past 25 years. I, when we retire at night, we constructively 357 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:43,880 review our day. Was I resentful, selfish, dishonest, afraid, going all in amends. Did I do 358 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:47,800 something I should talk about? You know, what can I do to make it right? God, please forgive me. You 359 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:52,920 know, and I've done that in my head, but recently I've been, I got direction to write it, you know, 360 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:57,960 and now I'm like, I don't like writing every night before you go to bed. It like puts it real. 361 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:04,440 And you know, now I have to change. Like I'm aware now when I go to work and I'm like, okay, 362 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:08,840 I can see where I'm getting. That's a little tense. God, please remove my fear of it. Direct 363 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:14,120 my attention to what you would have me be. So I'm in that place right now. I spent a great day this 364 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:19,160 morning. This is what my days look like. I get up in the morning and I spend an hour praying and 365 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:23,560 meditating or reading and whatever. And then I get dressed and go to work. And today was a little 366 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:29,080 different. My husband golfed this morning and we live in a nice little house and I have a new girl 367 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:34,520 that needed some money. You know, she's not working. So I went, got up and I went to work. 368 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:38,840 I wasn't supposed to, but I needed to put some extra hours in. So I did, I went and gave him a 369 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:43,240 little bit cause the guy quit. The guy quit that we were arguing. I don't know if it's all my fault. 370 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:49,640 I feel kind of bad, but I asked my sponsor if I owed him a minute. She just said, don't do that 371 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:55,400 anymore. So, cause partly his two, I guess. But so anyways, now I got to pick up the slack cause he 372 00:30:55,400 --> 00:31:01,080 left. I was praying for the resentment to be removed. God, but I didn't mean that too literally. 373 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:05,160 You know, every time I prayed for some resentment or some of the weeds, you know, 374 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:12,280 kind of scary second time. So he left and now I'm holding the load and I'm like, it's a lot, 375 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:16,360 you know, so I just try to get through the day. So I went and helped out this today. And then I went 376 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:20,040 and picked her up and she came over to the house and helped me do some cleaning cause my husband's 377 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:25,640 mom's coming next weekend. His dad passed away early in January. And now we're have his mom, 378 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:31,160 my mom's getting dementia and she's out in Nevada. And so now I'm like back and forth with that. And 379 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:36,120 life is going on, you know, that's where I'm at today. You know, it's just keep it simple and 380 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:41,880 breathe. And Jessica so graciously said, she's right out here with me tonight and we had dinner 381 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:47,080 and we got to talk. So that was great. And so here we are. So I'm going to go home and go to bed. 382 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:50,920 That's all I got. Thank you. 383 00:31:50,920 --> 00:32:01,000 Bye Jer. Now I can see you.