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 Hi, everyone. Let me get my little... I'm now a colleague. My name's Becky Reyes, and

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 thank you, Karen, so much for asking me to come up. She and I have been going back and

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 forth since April, and the schedules haven't worked out, but I'm here today. Yay. So first

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 thing I want to say are three things that are really important. I do have a sponsor,

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 which I think some of you have met. She came up and spoke. Her name is Jeffy Ann. My sobriety

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 date is 21st of September, 2012, and I have a home group, and I'm current with my sponsor.

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 My home group knows that they're my home group, but the one thing I know, and hopefully I

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 can get to this... I ask God to give me the words and have me say whatever He wants me

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 to say, but what I know today... I love my home group, but what I know today is Alcoholics

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 Anonymous is alive and well everywhere, and I want to say hi to all the Zoomers, or online.

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 I'm sorry. Being online the last two and a half years really saved my butt, and like

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 I said, I hope I get to that. So I'm the eldest of four kids. I cannot tell you when I had

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 my first drink, but I can tell you the first drink that I remember. I was about nine years

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 old, and I had a cousin that looked at me and said, "Hey, you could roll with me and

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 my crew," and some guy handed me a bottle and a paper bag. Another guy blew some smoke

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 in my face, and I don't remember anything about that. And the next day, my cousin looked

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 at me and said, "You can roll with us anytime." We were so funny, and the one thing I know...

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 I know this today with all my heart is I'm not funny. One of my friends says, "My first

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 higher power was your opinion," and I so get that. So when she said that to me, I knew

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 I wanted to go, and I wanted to roll with them, and I wanted to do whatever I did, even

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 though I didn't remember what exactly happened. Shortly thereafter, my parents decided to

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 move us, and I can tell you, one minute I'm going to school with Santos and Smiley and

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 Lakeisha and Jerome, and the next day I'm going to school with Phil and Sandy and Craig.

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 And none of that makes me alcoholic, but I can tell you I needed a drink, but it didn't

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 take me long to find my people. So by the time I was 12 years old, I had my first consequence.

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 So the thing about my family is my dad did not drink. He does not drink. He's 84 years

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 old today and has not had alcohol touch his lip because of what he says, of what alcohol

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 did in his life, how it affected his life. I have a great-grandfather that I apparently

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 drank like and a grandfather, and my dad had, with the effect of alcohol, affected him.

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 So he made that decision early on. Obviously, he's not alcoholic, could make that decision.

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 And so the thing about my family is we were always getting together. It could be every

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 Friday night, we're all together, and there's alcohol flowing, music flowing, and it doesn't

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 matter if there's no baptism, birthday, or wedding, or something going. We were always...

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 That was always the environment. So when we moved, and here my parents don't drink, but

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 there's alcohol, they would get the alcohol, the bottles from the cooler, and they'd put

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 it on the shelf until the next party. And so here I am, I'm going to school, and I'm

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 just putting those bottles one by one in my bag, going to school, and wanting to be one

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 of the cool kids, right? And when they found a bunch of empties, all the cool kids ratted

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 me out. So anyways, what I learned from that consequence was that I could not drink around

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 my family, but I sought alcohol elsewhere. I sought companions that had actually friends

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 that had elder siblings so that I could party with them. And that put me on a trajectory

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 of putting myself in some very sketchy situations at a very young age, but I didn't care. It

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 wasn't something that was in my forethought. It was just about getting a drink and my party

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 on. And because I'm a blackout drinker, there's not a lot of... I don't have a lot of stories

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 for you. Like what I did, Patio used to say, she lived in the area that I live in, and

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 she died with over 40 years of sobriety, and she too was a blackout drinker. She would

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 say, "Well, if I knew I was going to have to tell my story, I would have paid more attention."

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 And I loved that because... But what I can tell you about me is my grand sponsor says

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 she split a lot of things across the bar for alcohol, and I did that. For me, it was relationships.

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 With my family, the ex-husband, friendship. I'm the girl that gets invited to a bachelorette

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 party and disinvited to the wedding. I come out of a blackout in Gilroy, California, and

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 I wasn't there buying garlic. I mean, it was just... I put myself in places and situations

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 that wasn't becoming really the person that I was raised to be. So not only did I slide

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 across those relationships and jobs and friendships, but also my integrity. So what happened is

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 I had my first drink at nine, or the one that I remember. But I didn't come to you guys

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 until I was a few months before I turned 50. So I was 49 years old. A lot of stuff happened.

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 But what I want to say is I really don't want to forget the last 12 years. Because I considered

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 alcohol to be working for me, right? But it was the last 12 years that I got injured on

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 the job. I had lived with him for six years, and I started taking solid alcohol. This is

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 Alcoholics Anonymous. I respect the traditions here. Three months after I started with that,

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 he ended the relationship, and I had nowhere to go. And called my siblings, each one of

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 my siblings. They didn't want to take me in. I called my parents. And I made that drive

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 from LA, where I was living with him, to South Orange County many, many times. But I will

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 never forget that drive that night. It was like this impending doom. It was like I knew.

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 It was just aimless. So for the next 12 years, all I did was just-- what I like to describe

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 it as is drinking was like a trash compactor. All my feelings, all the feelings of inadequacy,

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 all the things that I had lost, my victim mentality, I was just shoving it down, further

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 down, with each thing that I took and each drink. What happened for me is my dad retired,

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 and he sees me on a daily basis, like from morning to night. And by this time, really,

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 I'm like shuffling between basically two rooms. I'm not showering. I'm not brushing my teeth.

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 My mom would beg me to do something to change, and I just didn't have it in me. And so my

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 family decided I needed to go to rehab. And what I'll say is that I had no fight left

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 in me, absolutely nothing left. I didn't have the will to say, forget you, keep it clean.

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 I'm out of here. I'm not going to your rehab. I didn't have it in me to even do that. I

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 didn't have any fight in me. I didn't have a fight in me to even seek out anything else

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 to use. I was just, I was like a dead man pocket. So I had, like I said, it was a few

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 months before I turned 50, and I remember sitting on my bed and I prayed to God that

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 I hadn't prayed to in so, so long. And I asked him, and it wasn't to relieve me of any alcohol

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 desire for alcohol. It was just a realization that I was turning 50. I was like, God, just

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 help this, help me make this next year different. That's what, that was my prayer. I just wanted

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 something different. And so then the intervention happens, right? So I have this moment of grace.

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 And so then I have the intervention and I'm looking at them and I'm saying, I don't have

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 a problem. What do you mean? I haven't driven in 12 years because it's almost immediately

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 when I got to my parents' house, I got in two car accidents. Both were in the driveway,

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 so they took my car away. Just like I said, I explained to you the kind of life I was

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 living. And even a year prior to me getting sober, I had burned 60% of my abdomen from,

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 you know, just being shot out and, you know, scalding coffee. I had decided I needed to

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 heat the coffee a little longer. And anyways, I ended up being in a burning for a week.

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 And even despite that, I, there was no thought of, hey, maybe I need, like maybe even cut

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 back, nothing. So like I said, I'm set to rehab. And you know, there, I hear a lot of

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 things, you know, people give, you know, treatment, a bad rap or whatever, but I'm so grateful

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 that I was sent to the treatment center that I was, because what it turns out is that the

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 people that work there, most from what I understand now, like 98% of the people that worked at

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 that particular treatment center were active members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And what

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 was so awesome is that I didn't know I was being fed Alcoholics Anonymous, you know,

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 I, like I said, I was dead man walking. I was just like, what do I, where do I go next?

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 They gear me to the next meeting. You know, we went to a daily meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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 They sent us to, you know, CA and another kinds of A's. And I learned to, you know,

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 open the book and read the book. I had my first, I'd say, spiritual awakening during

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 a meditation. You know, I actually got tossed and just lie there and just, you know, we

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 prayed and I, you know, I just recalled this like two days ago where I'm laying there and

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 just flood of tears. I hadn't been able to cry for years. Like I said, I was just shoving

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 all that, all those feelings were just shoved down, you know, by the alcohol. And so that

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 happened there. And after 28 days, I had a one of the counselors pulled me aside and

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 she had a directory that a paper directory with meetings highlighted. And she said, you

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 know, I really think that you would enjoy or get something out of these meetings that

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 I have highlighted. So if you can get a ride, because I wasn't driving you know, it might

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 behoove you to go. So there was a another woman that was around my age and we were just

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 road dogs. You know, she would pick me up at 6.40 in the morning and we'd go to the

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 7 a.m. meeting. After that we would go have breakfast someplace and then she dropped me

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 off and I literally, I think those first six, eight months, you know, I slept like probably,

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 you know, until I had to get ready for the next meeting. There was a lot of, you know,

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 I look back on that those first six to eight months and, you know, I really didn't have

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 the cognition, it's like my brain was just healing. And I mentioned that, I think it's

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 important to mention that because, you know, I would read the big book and even though

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 I could read the words, it just wasn't connected. It's like the synapses weren't, you know, working.

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 So what happened is there was, you know, someone was trying to get me, someone at the literature

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 table was trying to get me to get another book at a meeting I was at and I said, you

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 know, I'm having a hard enough time with the big book. So I finally got, I had like this

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 moment of being honest because I, you know, still I want to have this presentation like

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 I got it together, you know, right? Even though I'm not understanding, I'm still, I'm starting

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 to shower every day. And, and so I was on, I had a moment of honesty and I told her I'm

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 not understanding what I'm reading. And, Patty looked at me and she said, you know, we have

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 a bunch of tools here and I'll call it synonymous. You know, we have the big book on CD. If you're

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 having problems, maybe if you listen to it, it would help you. So I started listening

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 to it. And then I'd hear speakers at my meeting and I would buy that CD and, and I would listen

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 to it and listen to it because I could hear, I would hear the message there in the room,

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 but it was, it just didn't stick, you know? So, so I would listen to it and listen to

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 it and it really, really helped. And it was so funny. I was sharing this at another meeting

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 I was at not too long ago. You know, I used to hear, listen to the stories at bedtime

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 so to go to sleep, right? So about a year ago I was in traffic and I still have my tape,

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 my CDs in the car. I still have a CD player. My car's that old. So I stuck in one of the

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 stories and I started to get sleepy. I'm like, Oh my God, I can't listen to the story. That's

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 what I would do when I first got sober, listen to the stories and that would put me to sleep.

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 But anyways, I so as I'm, you know, starting to get a little more physically sober you

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 know, I'm going to meeting. What I heard was go to meetings, get from it, right? Go to

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 meetings, get a commitment. But I missed that third leg. You know, I missed that recovery

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 part, you know? And I know today that's not what they were saying to me cause I know these

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 people that I was going to meetings with. And so even though I had a sponsor, I wasn't

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 in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I wasn't doing any of the step work. And so I started

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 to get restless, irritable and discontented in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm starting

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 to judge you. I'm starting to judge all your share. I'm starting to judge all your behavior,

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 you know? And so here, you know, and I currently live in South Orange County, you know, so

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 my big Wednesday night meeting there, it's called the South Coast Speaker meeting in

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 Laguna. It's otherwise known as the Chuck C meeting. And and that's, you know, guy walks

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 in and I look at him and I sit there and I go, man, another guy that doesn't look like,

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 you know, what is he going to share to me that he doesn't know what I've been through.

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 He doesn't know what my childhood was like, you know, I'm thinking all this stuff. This

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 is the kind of thoughts that I was having. And so, you know, he starts to share and he's,

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 you know, it had taken him three hours to get from L.A. to the Wednesday night meeting.

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 And I'm still judging him, right? He's talking about how he worked all day, left his family

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 early in the morning and he took him three hours to get there. And I'm like, OK, whatever.

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 And then he's then he starts to give us a Friday day home group and his sponsor. And

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 then he says, yeah, he goes, you know, he goes, I thought I was Mexican until I was

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 18. And I sat down, I looked and was like, what? You know, so all of a sudden I started

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 to listen. Instead of judging him, I started to listen to what he had to say. I had that

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 moment of grace once again. And I've had that moment of grace many, many times in the 10

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 plus years that I've been here. And that night I heard the message of Alcoholics Anonymous

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 and it made me want to be an active member. It made me want to be a part of. And I started

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 to see, you know, I got a sponsor that took me through the steps as it's outlined in the

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 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I can tell you today that it has internally rearranged

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 me. You know, I have found a God here that, like I told you earlier, I really didn't believe

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 in, or I had sought, I think I'll say. And all it was really was, you know, a moment

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 of being honest. I've had moments of being open-minded and I have moments of being willing.

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 And I've not done this perfectly by any means, but I stayed. And it's so, you know, yes,

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 having the physical sobriety is great, but, you know, having recovery for me has really

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 just been the game changer for me. I will tell you guys what it's like today. A couple

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 of things, you know, I'm still living with those parents. I have called my sponsor many,

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 many times over the time that she has sponsored me. My current sponsor has sponsored me for

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 a little over seven years. And I've called her many times saying, I need to move. I need

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 to get out of here because in my selfishness and self-centeredness, you know, I'm like,

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 no guy's going to want to date me living at my parents' house. You know, that's all I'm

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 thinking about. I, you know, my mom's driving me nuts, you know, all that, but I, you know,

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 in those moments, I always forget about what they've done for me. Right. And here, my parents

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 are now 82 and 84. And, and I can tell you over the years that Duffy has sponsored me

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 many, many times, she has said to me, be grateful for the role God's assigned you. And it would

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 stay here. And I would hang up that phone and I'd be pissed off, you know, and call

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 her again. And I complained, she'd say, be grateful for the role God assigned you to

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 stay here. So two and a half years ago, you know, during the shutdown my father had to

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 have a surgery. You know, we weren't allowed to go see him. It was something he had, it

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 was eminent. He had to have it or else he could possibly be paralyzed and end up in

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 a wheelchair. We almost lost him during that surgery. He lost use of both of his arms.

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 And I can tell you, I now know the role that God assigned me and why. And I am so grateful.

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 And trust me, I'm not grateful 100% of the time. You know, I have my moments, but I'm

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 so grateful that I'm there. I'm grateful that I can help my mom. You know, my dad's a very

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 proud Mexican man. We, you know, we don't hire people to do the things that you need

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 to do for him. You know, so she's just, she's exhausted. Fortunately, he's gotten some use

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 of his arms, but doesn't really have the strength. So, you know, I'm there and I will be there

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 as long as they need me. I know that today. The other thing that's happened, you know,

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 I had a sponsor early on that looked at me and said, well, you know, I know you can't

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 work, but you're not going to go to AA meetings every day. You've got to find something that

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 you can do. So she just pray about it. So I prayed about it. And it's amazing how this

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 happens. Like within literally within two weeks, I had somebody calling me and asking,

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 they had gotten rid of their, their nanny. They had to fire. And they asked me if I would

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 help out with their, their son, babysit, their son all days a week. And, you know, I don't

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 have children. I told her, you know, I told her what my, where I was at. I was just about

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 two years sober. Her son was 15 months. And I can tell you, I feel like, I like to describe

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 it that we grew up together and I got to see myself through that kid's little eyes, the

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 good, the bad, and the ugly, you know, and my heart just broken open. Like I did not

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 know I could love another human being that much. Like I love myself just fine, you know,

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 but, you know, to that kid with, you know, I'm putting something in my mouth and he's

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 grabbing for it wanting to eat. I'm like, this is mine, you know? And but, you know,

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 today, you know, I haven't taken care of him for self a couple years now. And I miss him

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 every darn day, you know, and I, you know, I shared my love for sports with him. He's

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 now 10 years old and plays football because I taught him about football and, you know,

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 we're going to go to the Rams training camp in Irvine. And I just, it just brings me so

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 much joy, just the thought of seeing him, you know, brings me that kind of joy today

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 that I can do something for someone else. And pretty much the last thing I want to talk

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 to you about, I, because it, you know, I want to be honest with you guys, you know, I recently

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 did, I recently did a fifth step with my sponsor and you know how they describe the, you know,

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 doing the steps, it's like, you know, uncovering, discovering, discarding, it's like peeling

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 the onion away, right? Well, I describe myself like a Maui onion, because it's big, right?

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 And the way I look at it is like the deeper I've gone, you know, the thicker the skin

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 is. And this one was deep, this one was tough, you know, I left that fifth step feeling just

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 leveled by the things that my sponsor, you know, said to me. And, you know, I have a

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 very good friend who I consider a spiritual mentor. And he says, you know, we can't heal

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 from that, which we don't acknowledge, right? So, so I just prayed for the willingness to

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 hear what she had to say. And, you know, and when I did my thorough seven step, you know,

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 turn the good, the bad and the ugly to God, you know, to remove those character defects

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 from me. But that week that I did my fifth step, I had what was led to me was this, Dr.

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 Bob had a plaque on humility that was on his desk. And I'd like to share it with you, because

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 it's been, it's really, it's just been very profound to me. Okay, so this is what he had.

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 It says perpetual quietness of heart, it is to have no trouble, it is never to be fretted

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 or vexed, irritable or sore, to wonder at anything that is done to me, to feel nothing

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 done against me, it is to be at rest when nobody praises me. And when I'm blamed or

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 despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel

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 to my father in secret and be at peace, as in a sea of calmness, when all around me,

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 all around and about me is seen trouble. And that's from page 222 of Dr. Bob and the Good

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 Wolf. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you.