1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Hey everyone, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,880 Just gonna look at this occasionally for timekeeping. 3 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,160 If you're new, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,620 We are happy you're here. 5 00:00:13,620 --> 00:00:16,080 Even if you're not happy you're here. 6 00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:19,880 I, when I was new, I was not a big fan of Alcoholics Anonymous. 7 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,600 But, so if you're new, welcome. 8 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,880 And before I get started, thank you so much, Karen, 9 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:26,120 for having me come out. 10 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,480 I was originally supposed to speak a couple months ago 11 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,200 and I had some issues with my mom. 12 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:34,420 And I'll probably talk about that, maybe, 13 00:00:34,420 --> 00:00:35,600 as we progress a little bit. 14 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,960 You know, a gay boy talking about his mom, 15 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:38,880 what are the odds? 16 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,500 But, you know, I had an extra three months 17 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,320 to talk about the share, think about the share. 18 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,200 So we'll see how it rolls down. 19 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,240 I'm gonna talk about what it was like 20 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,320 and how I got sober and what it's like now. 21 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,880 I talk about what it's like just to form it. 22 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:57,000 In my day to day where I'm at now, 23 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,440 I don't really lean into what it was like. 24 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,600 You know, I'm a big believer in like meditation 25 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:07,040 and manifestation and focusing on the present 26 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,280 and the future and not oftentimes retelling 27 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,400 the story of my life. 28 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,760 So if you're new and you're, you know, 29 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,220 given the opportunity to share, 30 00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:17,080 whether it's in any type of meeting 31 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,440 and you keep beating the drum of, you know, 32 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,280 chronic this or, you know, 33 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,920 the universe will provide to you exactly what you want. 34 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,440 That has been my experience. 35 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:29,240 And so I had to like open up like my sphere 36 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:33,080 of like spirituality and physical and like all that practice 37 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,920 to be, you know, to have this life 38 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,000 that is just like blessed beyond recognition. 39 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,520 So my sobriety date is March 3rd, 2014, class of 2014. 40 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,360 My home group is the Pacific group 41 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,520 and my sponsor is Tim Kay. 42 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,960 He's like, if you ever come and visit us on Wednesday night, 43 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,200 he's like the guy that bangs the guy. 44 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,800 And so, you know, like that's like a one example 45 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:55,640 of my ego, right? 46 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,840 And I had to like go to the guy that's like over there. 47 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,380 I was like, he must be in charge of (indistinct) 48 00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:04,000 And now he's my sponsor. 49 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,840 He's my sponsor for about five years. 50 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,840 I have nine years of sobriety and I'm at Silverad 51 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:09,960 at charity fund. 52 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,520 So I grew up in Mesa, Arizona. 53 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:17,440 I grew up to two parents that were very much in love 54 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:20,800 and they were hippies that had transplanted themselves 55 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,160 from New York to Mesa, Arizona. 56 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:26,280 So we were in a Mormon community and I was like, 57 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,440 you know, I was like one or two Jewish kids. 58 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,400 So, you know, I got to do, I got to do the, you know, 59 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,340 the Hanukkah presentation, you know, 60 00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:37,320 and I'd sure just go, well, every year and, you know, 61 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:42,320 and mom loved pills and dad loves (indistinct) 62 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:45,480 you know, because she remember and I'd say, you know, 63 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,680 waking up in the middle of the night 64 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,320 and like the cigarette smell, 65 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,680 smelled different than it did during the day. 66 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,120 And until I could not wait, I could not wait. 67 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,560 And mom, you know, she had this like little pill 68 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,120 that she would like, you know, she had scoliosis 69 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,120 and she would take pain pills and volume, you know, 70 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:06,160 and I just remember that sound in her purse 71 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,280 and her taking out a pill 72 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,600 and just seeing like the change of behavior, you know, 73 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,680 like kind of like the first drink and drug 74 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,640 that we've all been accustomed to, 75 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,960 that sense of ease and comfort that all of a sudden 76 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,600 makes you feel whole and makes you feel in your, you know, 77 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,960 in your skin until it doesn't work and then you take it out. 78 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:28,120 So I was already like agitated and uncomfortable 79 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,960 and like, you know, and from an early age, 80 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:35,160 I did not, was not a big fan of Hanukkah or myself. 81 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,240 And then at the same time, I thought like, you know, 82 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,920 that I was living this elated like universal experience 83 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,480 where I had the power to control things by, you know, 84 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,840 just like moving stuff and that, you know, 85 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,560 and I just wouldn't like do certain things. 86 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,920 Like I was, I was crazy. 87 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,720 I was in my head talking all the time, 88 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,520 thinking about like what you were going to say. 89 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:58,480 I was going to respond, you know, I heard this once, like, 90 00:03:58,480 --> 00:03:59,600 and I totally relate to it. 91 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,880 It's like, never in school we're reading paragraphs. 92 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,720 I mean, like forward to the paragraph that I had to read 93 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,120 and like try to like, oh my God, I'm going to do this. 94 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,400 And then, you know, somebody took your paragraph. 95 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,320 Shit, you know, and that'll probably be the one thing 96 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,040 that I say that's worth it, I promise. 97 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,520 - You know, so I was always very functional with Seth. 98 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:24,960 My dad was also a gambler and mom was an extreme couponer. 99 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:29,840 And I loved both, right? 100 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,760 Like, you know, I just learned from an early age 101 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,280 that like, you know, you could have fun. 102 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,840 You could have fun in life as long as, you know, 103 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:40,200 you did what you were supposed to do. 104 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,600 At least that was my perception. 105 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,200 So I did really well in school 106 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,800 and I got to go to the track with dad 107 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,360 and I got to like extreme coupon with mom 108 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,000 and it was just great, right? 109 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,280 But I think early on, they thought that I was crazy 110 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,320 because they would take me to like therapists 111 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,480 and I would draw like pictures of like 112 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,520 the house burning down and everybody inside. 113 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:03,160 And I'm like outside, like, you know, like nuts. 114 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,880 And then, you know, and then of course that led to like, 115 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,920 you know, lighting fires and I would just do, you know, 116 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,960 whatever I could to get out of self. 117 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:15,000 So, you know, when I say that I waited till like 13 118 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:19,000 to have a drink, I mean, it was like a long time coming. 119 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,920 And I think the first drink that I had was, 120 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,960 or a sip of was like at a bar mitzvah, you know, 121 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:28,160 like my uncle's seven or scotch and something, 122 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,000 I don't even know. 123 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,080 And I was like, this is horrible. 124 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,600 Why would anybody drink it? 125 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,800 And I soon learned. 126 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,760 And, you know, I didn't become a daily drinker overnight. 127 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,760 You know, I didn't like figure that out until like later, 128 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,560 but I certainly unlike our first speaker, 129 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:45,480 I lost control really early and I loved losing control. 130 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,880 Like, you know, there was just, it was like, 131 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,040 all bets were off. 132 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,560 I did not know what was gonna happen 133 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,080 after I took the first drink. 134 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:58,080 And I continually, you know, like my dad passed away 135 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,640 before I was 15, like two days before my 15th birthday. 136 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,800 And at that point it was kind of all bets were off. 137 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,480 Like, you don't know. 138 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,160 And I held onto that for probably 20 years. 139 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,520 Like, you don't know my story. 140 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:11,840 You don't know my situation. 141 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,720 You don't know what I've been through. 142 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,640 You know, pour me, pour me, you know, pour me another drink. 143 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,400 And it was, and it just took off from there. 144 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,200 And I kept moving the line, right? 145 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,280 Like, so, you know, I would steal pills from mom 146 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,080 and, you know, and we would, you know, 147 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,200 we would, my mom let us drink in the house. 148 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,440 So we would go to Costco and get like, you know, 149 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,320 we were economy drinkers. 150 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:38,720 Like I earned from like a very early age, 151 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,120 like how to get, you know, how to get alcohol 152 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,640 and how to still get good grades 153 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:44,920 and navigate through all that. 154 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:46,280 You know, and it's progressive. 155 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,520 I just kept moving the line. 156 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,800 Things that I said that I wouldn't do. 157 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,240 I would never do that. 158 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,720 Just, you know, when presented the opportunity, 159 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:55,560 I would do them. 160 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,760 You know, it's like, I just became a taker, 161 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,040 an absolute taker. 162 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,600 You know, I would go into, you know, 163 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,520 would help you look for your drugs. 164 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,320 You know, after I did them. 165 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,560 I would go into open houses, 166 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,040 not because I was buying a house. 167 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,760 And I just kept moving that invisible line. 168 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,360 It was just, you know, one was never reached. 169 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,280 There was just never enough to fill that void 170 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,200 or that hole. 171 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:27,880 And, you know, and I felt like, 172 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,920 okay, well, mom's the problem. 173 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:34,080 So after I graduated college in Arizona, 174 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,000 I came out to California and, you know, 175 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,560 and that was where the freedom kind of took off. 176 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,640 And I was like left to my own perils and my own devices. 177 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,240 I got my first DUI, I think like months 178 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,400 after I moved out here because I loved driving drugs. 179 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,960 Like is it like, I know you're younger people, 180 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,240 you have Uber, we didn't have that. 181 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,440 We had taxis and you had to do the math. 182 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:59,440 How much would the taxi cost and can I drive? 183 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,240 And how am I going to get to the taxi? 184 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,400 You know, how am I going to get to the car the next day? 185 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,240 And, you know, and the stuff would start early on. 186 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,840 And then it was just like, I'm driving, I'm driving drunk. 187 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,160 So the amount of times that I drove drunk 188 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:15,840 is still fortunate that I have not like killed somebody 189 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,520 at this point. 190 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:21,880 So I got that first DUI in 2002, 191 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,760 right after I moved out here. 192 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:27,200 And I was like, okay, well, driving is the problem. 193 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,440 So, you know, and I was just really, 194 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,600 the way I addressed that situation 195 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,320 was what are the consequences? 196 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:35,760 And the consequences were, you know, 197 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,000 you had to do this, you have to do these classes. 198 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:39,320 And I mean, there were like, 199 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:42,320 there were really no consequences for, you know, 200 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:45,800 as I looked back, I had to go to a trustee program 201 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,680 and like clean some jail cells. 202 00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:50,760 It was all like tolerable, it was all manageable, you know, 203 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:55,760 and drinking and drugs were the only solution that I knew. 204 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,360 It was the only thing that could make me feel, 205 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,680 it was the only thing that could make me feel better or whole. 206 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,840 I knew no other way. 207 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:06,720 And you know, it's like, and I think that even as I got 208 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,600 closer and closer to coming to these rooms, 209 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,680 it was like admitting that I was an alcoholic 210 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:13,720 would be the end. 211 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,120 Like that would be like the gig is up, you know, 212 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,320 because once you admit you're an alcoholic, 213 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,000 like, you know, you can't like go out and socially drink. 214 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,680 Like I knew that like coming to alcoholics anonymous 215 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,880 meant that you couldn't drink. 216 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:32,240 And so under no circumstance was I gonna come to you. 217 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,200 And I pushed it, right? 218 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,680 So I got my second to you, like my first to you, 219 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:40,400 I'll give you like locations for some of the people 220 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,520 that might remember them. 221 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,400 So my first one was after I knew the bartender at Dublin's 222 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,400 on Sunset. 223 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:49,760 And that was a fun night of Jack and Diane. 224 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,600 And 'cause I was conscious, I was like, you know, 225 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,360 I was also very weight conscious, you know, 226 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,840 I didn't want any calories on my alcohol. 227 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,720 And so, you know, until it kicked in 228 00:09:58,720 --> 00:09:59,960 and then I would eat anything. 229 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,440 But, you know, I think that was also like a self sense 230 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,000 of control, like those other issues that crept in. 231 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,360 And then my second to you, I was at Weber's 232 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,280 right up the street in Reseda. 233 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:16,880 I went there for a happy hour to have like one drink, right? 234 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,600 And Weber's, right? 235 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,560 And they poured that, you know, 236 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,920 if you're gonna do more research, they pour heavy, 237 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:26,600 at least they used to do, they poured heavy. 238 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,240 So I fit right at home. 239 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:32,360 And then the third was at a Christmas party, 240 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,240 a work Christmas party, because I have no control. 241 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,280 So I will do whatever I need, wherever I need. 242 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:41,800 At that point in time, this was 2013, 243 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,360 I was going to a pain management doctor. 244 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:49,360 So I was on a smattering of pain pills 245 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:50,920 and uppers and downers. 246 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:55,720 And I didn't know what the drink allocation would be 247 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:56,640 at the Christmas party. 248 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:01,640 So I freaked out and brought liquor in and was on pills. 249 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:05,040 You know, and then you cut to like a couple hours later 250 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,440 when I crashed my car in the 101. 251 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,280 You know, the second one I tried to invade the police. 252 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,680 I did not work out well. 253 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:16,120 They were scoping the others. 254 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,040 But so, you know, it's interesting 255 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:22,040 because I got sober in March of 2014. 256 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,320 And in February of 2013, 257 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:29,440 I met a guy and it was really weird 258 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:33,280 'cause I went to his house and he had a roommate 259 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:34,840 like that lived in his room. 260 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,920 And I was like, this is weird, but you know, 261 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:42,920 I'm gay and you know, we'll figure this out. 262 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,520 He was in a sober limit. 263 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:49,040 So it was, you know, I met my now husband. 264 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:53,040 He had eight days of sobriety living in sober living 265 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:58,040 on food stamps, and this was like, 266 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,000 this was the love of my life, right? 267 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,640 He is the love of my life now, 268 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,360 but it just shows you like, you know, 269 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,400 like Eric's thinking was just not, was just not in town. 270 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,200 So I met him in February. 271 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,840 And then in December, I called him from jail. 272 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,760 I said that I got a DUI. 273 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,640 I crashed my car last night. 274 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,920 And I think that was kind of the center 275 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,040 of like me kind of starting to admit 276 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,280 that I was an alcoholic. 277 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,960 You know, I didn't get sober until March of that year. 278 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,440 So if you are new and you're coming to the rooms 279 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,480 and you're like going to the bathroom 280 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,320 and you know, getting what you need, I get it. 281 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,720 I was just here. 282 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,600 I was here to get the heat off. 283 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:42,800 I was just visiting. 284 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,240 I was gonna figure out how to like tone it down 285 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,560 and really took some time before I admitted 286 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,320 that I was an alcoholic. 287 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,400 I did not wanna detox in jail 288 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,480 'cause this time I was going to jail. 289 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,960 And so I was like, okay, well, 290 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,040 let's just slowly kind of figure this out. 291 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:02,720 Slowly kind of wind down of the stuff that I was on. 292 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:07,400 And my last joke was like the night of the Oscars. 293 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:11,840 And she's like, like, so I've already mentioned her gay, 294 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,320 but I would watch the Oscars and I would, you know, 295 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:15,880 talk to my mom the next day. 296 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:20,360 And I just, I remember I like blacked out, you know, 297 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,320 and then that was really, that was really like my MO. 298 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,080 It was like, it was like blackout or nothing. 299 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,480 I don't understand why you wouldn't, 300 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,520 like I don't understand why you would stop. 301 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,200 The only time I stopped was when we were tea, right? 302 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,040 You know? 303 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,840 And that was when I, that's when I was like, okay, 304 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,000 maybe we're good. 305 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,240 Maybe we should just stop. 306 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,960 That was like my decision-making. 307 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,320 So I, you know, I got sober in March of 2014. 308 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,200 It was like everyone in my sphere, 309 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,160 like that I had started to surround myself with 310 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,840 was like, Eric, you know, like for the longest time, 311 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,240 it was like, Eric, what's wrong with you? 312 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,080 What's wrong with you? 313 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,040 And I finally knew. 314 00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,960 And for some reason that gives me like, you know, 315 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,400 a sense of ease and comfort 316 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,320 that I know what's wrong with me today. 317 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,520 You know, it's like, I love that I can come to an AA meeting 318 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:10,320 and just drop in and be like comfortable, 319 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,240 but it was not easy in the beginning, you know, 320 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,920 it took a lot of time to change. 321 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,960 I came in and I was, just because you had removed the drink, 322 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,280 it just like, my behavior was deplorable. 323 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,160 I was not a nice person. 324 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:27,520 I was still stealing in very early sobriety, 325 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,280 like stealing, like whatever I could. 326 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,120 Like Macy's, Ben and Beth, you told us both. 327 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,440 It's like, you know, like, like if it didn't happen, 328 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,880 if it wasn't locked down, I was like, you know, 329 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:41,320 it was trouble with me, and you know. 330 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,320 And don't you know what those corporations did, right? 331 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,280 So I'll tell you like the behavior 332 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,520 did not change automatically. 333 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:51,200 - I got a sponsor and I started to go to meetings, 334 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,480 regular meeting nights, commitments at those meetings. 335 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:59,480 And I kept myself busy, you know, like my sponsor today, 336 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,120 I had one sponsor when I got sober 337 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,320 and have since changed to Tim, 338 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,320 but he likes when Eric has structure 339 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,240 and gets to make less decisions. 340 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,600 I do a lot better with, you know, 341 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:14,680 I call in regularly to check in with my sponsor. 342 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,280 I still go to regular meetings on regular meeting nights 343 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:18,800 and I have commitments at those meetings. 344 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,640 And that has been like the foundation 345 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,400 that has carried me through my social life. 346 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,880 You know, the other thing that I can say is that, 347 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,240 I mean, I've done the steps 348 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,560 and the steps have like transformed my life. 349 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,720 You know, like the steps are like, 350 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,280 what gives me a sense of ease and comfort today 351 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:39,160 that I only felt that I could find from alcohol, 352 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,680 even when the steps were my solution today. 353 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:46,000 You know, I have two responses right now. 354 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,080 I love them dearly. 355 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,520 I hope they both make it, 356 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,960 but whether or not my sponsors make it, 357 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,040 I'm still gonna stay sober. 358 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,440 I'm still gonna stay sober through all this, 359 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:58,680 but you know, I love being of service to another alcoholic. 360 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,920 So if you don't have a sponsor, you know, 361 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,720 it is highly recommended that you get one 362 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,360 and what do you have to lose? 363 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,280 You know, like stop drinking, do the 12 steps, 364 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,360 stop like vacillating on like four or five 365 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:14,120 and just, you know, see if you feel better afterwards. 366 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,720 In my experience, I've seen the lights come on 367 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,560 in people's eyes, especially if you're making four and five. 368 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,880 Like it just is like the shift of like the sense 369 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:25,760 that there's another human, you know, 370 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,160 and it's really, you know, when you're doing four and five, 371 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,600 you're just sitting with another person 372 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,280 and walking them through, you know, your crap that you did. 373 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,920 And they're there just to facilitate it 374 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,920 and really kind of show you pattern. 375 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,600 And you know, and as you get further along in the steps, 376 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,200 it's like to not repeat those patterns. 377 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,760 You know, it's my sponsor today is very much in today. 378 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,680 In today, what are you gonna do today? 379 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,520 Like, I don't care who hurts you in kindergarten. 380 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:55,760 Like, you know, you are 45 years old, you know, 381 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,280 like what are you gonna do to be a good man today? 382 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,520 To be of service to, you know, to your AA community, 383 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,640 to your husband, to your mom, like, 384 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,080 'cause that's what matters. 385 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,000 That's all we have is today. 386 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,240 And we have just, you know, this moment. 387 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:10,440 You know, I'll talk about some great things 388 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:11,680 that have happened in sobriety. 389 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,120 So you know that I got married, right? 390 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:18,680 So my husband is still sober, thank God, if he wasn't. 391 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,240 If any of you know him, like we've, that would not be, 392 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,240 he's not a functioning alcoholic. 393 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:27,000 He is a crazy crystal meth addict 394 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,920 that we are thankful that he is on the side. 395 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,720 And we have a unique story, right? 396 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,840 Because he was newly sober 397 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,320 and I wasn't sober when we got together. 398 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,680 And the only reason that it kind of worked 399 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,360 is that we put AA first, and we both have put AA first. 400 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,000 And that's the only reason today that, you know, 401 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,240 we are at this point where we just celebrated five years 402 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,200 that we have a great healthy marriage, you know, 403 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,320 and we both sponsor people and we have a sober home 404 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,240 and, you know, and if you're with somebody 405 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,560 that's in the program, you know what you can 406 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,480 and can't say to them and, you know, 407 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,600 and so we don't tell each other to call our sponsor. 408 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,480 You know, we are, you just stay out of the way. 409 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,800 You stay out of yourself and you are nurturing 410 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,960 and you're compassionate and you let them run their program. 411 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,800 And, you know, that would be my advice for you 412 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:19,880 as far as that. 413 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,880 You know, I've really had some fantastic things. 414 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:25,640 Like, so when I, I've done like crazy food things 415 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,440 since I got sober, I was like vegan for five years. 416 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,480 No, I'm not. 417 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,320 And, you know, I'm like fasting and like crazy with that. 418 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,800 And I don't know what tomorrow will hold, you know, 419 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,160 but I love being able to, you know, 420 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,720 I've kind of come to peace with like those issues too. 421 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,320 You know, like I love myself today. 422 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,440 You know, I look at myself and, you know, 423 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,040 I start the day with this vibration 424 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,520 that is just like so right and so old. 425 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,280 And, you know, on the good days I meditate 426 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:54,120 and then, you know, 427 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,000 and I try to do something physical and spiritual 428 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,240 and then I'm, you know, and then I'm of service. 429 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,800 When I was 40, I was like five years sober 430 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:06,600 and I did yoga teacher trainings, which was like such a gift. 431 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:10,840 I was able to like walk through some yoga teacher trainings 432 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,520 and loved that. 433 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,120 The other physical thing I did, 434 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,360 and I think this has to do with like manifestation 435 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,080 and manifestation. 436 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,680 Like I entered the lottery for New York Marathon last year. 437 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,720 And it's like, you know, like my husband's like, 438 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:24,640 "Of course you'll get it." 439 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,600 You know, like, and I was like, "But it's a lottery." 440 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,760 Like, you know, like I was like that just, 441 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:29,600 you just don't get it. 442 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:30,440 And I got it. 443 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,040 And so I ran the New York Lottery last, 444 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:36,280 or the New York Marathon last year in November. 445 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,360 I have not quite decided what I'm going to do more. 446 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,000 You know, like the alcoholic in me is like, 447 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,320 "I want to do one of these every weekend." 448 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,880 Like, you know, because like, why would you start small? 449 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:49,120 Like, you know, go to the 26th, you know, it's like, 450 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:52,200 and I still will go to, to the extremes. 451 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,440 I mean, like I'm looking over at Karen's like monster 452 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,800 and I'm like, "What a good idea to have a monster 453 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,160 at like 7.30." 454 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,840 You know, like, so you still come here 455 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,280 and you keep learning things. 456 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,280 And I'm sure she'll sleep like a rock tonight, right? 457 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:08,320 - Yes. 458 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,200 - So anyway, I digress. 459 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,240 But you know, I mean, what can I say? 460 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,160 It's, it's been like a fantastic, you know, 461 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,200 a fantastic journey. 462 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,160 I'll tell you a little bit about, 463 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,720 I think I know until like 8.25. 464 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,640 I'll tell you an immense story that I, 465 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,760 that I tell sometimes. 466 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,640 And then I'll kind of talk about my mom right now. 467 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:33,640 So I had done like some like damage to mom. 468 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,400 You know, like I told you guys, I was a taker. 469 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:40,200 So when Eric needed a lawyer for his first DUI, 470 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,520 I needed like $10,000. 471 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,240 Like it was like, it was like a ton of friends, right? 472 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,280 You know, we had very co-dependent, 473 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,440 like toxic relationship. 474 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,120 You know, and I would steal pills from her 475 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,720 and you know, take money. 476 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,360 And I would just take, take, take, take, take. 477 00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:58,600 And it was all about me, me, me. 478 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,760 So when I went to, I went to make an adventure 479 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:05,240 going through that direction with a sponsor. 480 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,240 So if you're new and you recognize that you've like 481 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,640 made a disarray of some relationship, 482 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,680 don't just go and make an amends to that. 483 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,720 You know, wait till it is the appropriate time 484 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,400 and walk through that with your sponsor. 485 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,440 And you know, I'll tell you that, 486 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,400 like I used to talk to her like three to four times a day 487 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:24,360 before I got sober and under sponsored direction, 488 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:25,760 when I first got sober, 489 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,240 I could talk to her once a week, like once a week. 490 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,760 Like I had to get sober and I had to change everything 491 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,880 because I was like that shit. 492 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,640 Like I was really crazy. 493 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:39,120 And you know, I would get on the phone with her 494 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:41,120 and I would just be like, "Oh my gosh." 495 00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,320 You know, like she's like, 496 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,760 she's going off on a tangent or a tailspin 497 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,560 and I'm like, I'm going right there with her. 498 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:47,800 I just want to like drink. 499 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,520 I would just want to like, and I think, you know, 500 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,760 somehow you probably have those people in your life too, 501 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,480 when you first get sober because you know, 502 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:55,760 that's what's life. 503 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,040 It's like the, you know, 504 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,560 it's some family that hangs on and you know, 505 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,120 and other people that are just as crazy as you. 506 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:03,560 So I went to go make an immense to her 507 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:04,920 and this was not fair enough sober 508 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,000 and under sponsored direction. 509 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,000 And she was like, "I just want you to be happy. 510 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,960 I just want you to stay sober." 511 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,720 And I was like, "Best of men's ever." 512 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,520 Like, you know, I was with my first sponsor, right? 513 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,040 And I had moved over to Tim at some point later 514 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,840 and she called me one day and she goes, 515 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:24,240 "Eric, I made a list." 516 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,680 She was like, "And it's like, you know, 517 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,200 and it's an expensive list, right?" 518 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,440 And I'm like, "Who knew that this hippie 519 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,160 that took pill all the time, you know, 520 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,400 had such a good memory of all the money 521 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,280 that she had given me." 522 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,760 So I called Tim and I'm like, you know, 523 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,800 I already made this and he had cleaned up my side. 524 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,000 She said she didn't want anything. 525 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,880 And he was said to me, he goes, "You know, Eric," 526 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,880 he goes, "When you needed help, she was there for you. 527 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,720 Why don't you have some compassion and help her out?" 528 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,600 And with that, my thinking changed 529 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,280 immediately and I started like, you know, 530 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,560 to give her money. 531 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,560 And it was like, you know, it was like the grace 532 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,560 of this program and the grace of God 533 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,880 that it just all like, you know, went on a conveyor belt 534 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,360 and just kind of like rolled off. 535 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,920 And like something new came in 536 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,000 and was just amazing and wonderful. 537 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,600 And our relationship has changed 538 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,280 and has never been the same since then. 539 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:20,360 You know, God has got me and my higher power has got me. 540 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:22,760 My inner being has got me today. 541 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:26,280 You know, during COVID in the middle of all of that 542 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:30,120 in April of 2020, April of 2020, 543 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:33,320 I was at my current job eight years 544 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,440 and somebody told me about a new job 545 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:36,600 and I went and applied for. 546 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,600 And then that round check came up 547 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,760 and in the background was like the three DUIs 548 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,960 and may have been some misdemeanors from Costco 549 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,000 because they're actually very tough to steal. 550 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,800 Don't try to walk out in anything with Costco. 551 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:55,160 So then it came up and I was like, 552 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,480 "Tim, Tim, what do I do? 553 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,720 "This is like, you know, my livelihood." 554 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,280 And he said, "Well, just," he said, "What do they want?" 555 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:03,840 And I was like, "Well, they want a lender." 556 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,160 He's like, "Well, just tell them who you are today." 557 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,160 He said, "Tell them that you're a sober man 558 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,480 "of Alcoholics Anonymous 559 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,920 "and that you, you know, that you go to regular meetings 560 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,440 "and you have, you know, commitments 561 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,960 "and you know, and that you're active in the group 562 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:20,160 "and you don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. 563 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,480 "But if you keep doing what you're supposed to do today, 564 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,920 "the likelihood that you will remain sober 565 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,040 "is highly likely and that is not the person 566 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,200 "that you are right now." 567 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,680 And so I wrote that and I got the job 568 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,840 and I was just like, you know, it's just, you know, 569 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,560 it's like if you trust, 570 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,000 if you trust and you stay out of the results, 571 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,880 like it will get taken care of. 572 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,680 Everything will get taken care of. 573 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:45,040 You know, that has been, that has been my experience. 574 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,840 So this last year has been like crazy 575 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,360 and this is kind of like why I delayed coming 576 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:51,240 for a little bit. 577 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:56,240 So on Easter Sunday, my mom went into the hospital 578 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:59,680 and she's 80 and she got like diagnosed 579 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,960 with like a UTI that went septic. 580 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,480 And it kind of was like, 581 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:05,080 it's kind of like she was in a blackout. 582 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,200 So it was, you know, a little fun. 583 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,280 Like a little, like I remember this. 584 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,040 So, you know, she went to the hospital 585 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,400 for like a couple of weeks 586 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,880 and then she went into a rehab center 587 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,880 and she was just not lucid. 588 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:19,840 Like this is like something that is like crazy. 589 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:21,440 You don't come back from it that fast. 590 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,240 And so we moved her in, like, you know, 591 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,120 like this is the dry, alcohol-like son 592 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,640 is now like, you know, full circle 593 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,960 is now like fully taken care of his mother. 594 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,320 It's just, you know, miraculous. 595 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:37,960 And the only way that I could do this 596 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,280 was because of Alex and Alex. 597 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,160 You know, like if you want to think that life is crazy, 598 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,520 you know, move an 80 year old newcomer in 599 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,960 that it's not hard to say any tool 600 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,960 and see, you know, see how you're surviving this challenge. 601 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,640 So, or your marriage. 602 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,480 So the verdict is still out on both of those. 603 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,920 You know, it's getting easier, 604 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,440 but I have to practice a lot of like non-reaction 605 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,920 and a lot of compassion and a lot of nurturing. 606 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,120 But that really doesn't give me anything that I can't handle. 607 00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,880 My higher power does not give me anything that I can't handle. 608 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,320 You guys have taught me that. 609 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,960 And I've talked to like, you know, 610 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,400 I call people from our group and they're like, you know, 611 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,000 and they told me how it was really going to be, 612 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,160 especially as she gets older and progresses. 613 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:25,760 And then I also had people that, you know, 614 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:27,400 are helping me with like getting her 615 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,680 the medical resources that she needs. 616 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,720 You know, it's like, I'm walking through this experience 617 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,880 to potentially help somebody else later in life. 618 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:37,880 And I think that is, you know, 619 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,480 a testament to whether or not you've experienced 620 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:41,960 in your past or your present. 621 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,800 There are people in this room that have walked through this, 622 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:46,640 you know, especially some of the turmoil 623 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,080 that you did when you're drinking 624 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,200 and they've gotten through it. 625 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,840 So whatever you think that you've done, you know, 626 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:53,400 all right, you know, when I did, 627 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:54,960 when I did my first step with my sponsor, 628 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,400 he goes, that's all, like, he's like, that's all. 629 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,320 And I was like, yeah, I was like, isn't that enough? 630 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:01,400 (laughs) 631 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:05,360 So the moment that you've made it up in your head 632 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:08,240 and the, you know, the beating yourself up, 633 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,000 I promise you it will dissipate 634 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,800 when you talk to another person. 635 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,840 We have done it, we've done worse. 636 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:16,880 We have walked through it and, you know, 637 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,000 and we have a sense of freedom today. 638 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,080 A lot of us that is unlike any type of freedom 639 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,280 that I have ever had. 640 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,040 Okay, so what can I tell you about now? 641 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,680 I am, so I'm like six minutes left, nine years. 642 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,120 I am a regular at Pacific group. 643 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:35,240 I started to go there when I was six months sober 644 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:36,680 because I was going to Wednesday night 645 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,840 at the university synagogue, like back in the old days. 646 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,880 My head was crazy and it was spun and we would get 647 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,000 in the car at like, you know, six o'clock 648 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,240 and I wouldn't get home till 10. 649 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:49,560 And I just ate it up and I left it. 650 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,440 So I continue to eat it up and love it. 651 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:56,760 And, you know, and I found a sense of like community there 652 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,880 and structure that I really like. 653 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,640 You can have beer, we don't wear suits. 654 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:04,680 We wear suits when we speak, that's it. 655 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:07,120 So I don't know what you heard about us, 656 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:12,120 but you know, it's just a bunch of AAs walking each other, 657 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:15,520 you know, and I love that, right? 658 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:19,000 'Cause like, you know, that's essentially what we're doing 659 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,240 in this community. 660 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:22,800 Like we're here to like lift each other up 661 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,240 and to walk each other. 662 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:27,800 You know, I will say that I feel like that I was put 663 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:32,120 on this planet to do, you know, good and to have fun 664 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:35,280 and to, you know, not to be a lot. 665 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,680 I'm like, you know, so if you're glum, 666 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,760 you're probably not gonna be in my surrounding 667 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:41,640 or my circle for very long. 668 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:45,200 You know, like it is a community where you have 669 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,200 the opportunity to uplift people 670 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,080 and really kind of shine in your sobriety. 671 00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,440 Because if you're sitting there and you're stewing 672 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,000 and you're like this or that, I mean, what's the point? 673 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,160 The only one that is suffering is you 674 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,800 and you really do not have to suffer anymore. 675 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:04,760 It's been my experience that that gets easier 676 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:09,320 if you do the steps, it gets easier if you're honest. 677 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,040 You know, and that's what I tell my new guys 678 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,320 when they call and check in, at least in the beginning 679 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:15,520 is like, I was like, you can go and lie 680 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,680 the other 23 hours of the day. 681 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,160 But the only way like this relationship is gonna work 682 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,040 is if you're honest with one person. 683 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,600 And that honesty needs to come from you and me 684 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:26,440 when you check in. 685 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,200 Because, you know, it's like, I don't care 686 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:29,360 what you ate for lunch. 687 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:32,480 So don't lie to me that, you know, you like, 688 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:34,240 there is no reason. 689 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:36,960 And that's kind of like that first level of trust, right? 690 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:40,000 You know, other than that, I have them go to meetings. 691 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,520 And for me, I know there's this big Zoom world 692 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:46,360 and tons of meetings, but I like to see my guys. 693 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:48,480 I like to see them face to face at a meeting. 694 00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:51,120 And I don't text my sponsor, I call my sponsor. 695 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,600 You know, like this is like one alcoholic 696 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:55,680 connected to another alcoholic. 697 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:57,600 And I don't, you know, I don't have to, you know, 698 00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,520 if you can't even pick up the phone, 699 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:01,880 it's probably like, I don't think you want it. 700 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,680 I mean, you're just gonna check, text check in. 701 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,160 I mean, like, you know, it's when you really want 702 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:09,960 to change, you follow the direction. 703 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:12,520 And this is not really a hard life. 704 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:16,120 You know, I used to go to the ends of the earth 705 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,760 for what I needed, you know, the fix that I needed. 706 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,000 And I would sit and I would wait and I would wait 707 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,000 and I would wait, then I would wait some more. 708 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:24,880 And then I would call and I'd be like, where are you? 709 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,760 And I would wait some more, you know, 710 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,240 because like that was like, that was it, 711 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:31,880 that was what was gonna happen. 712 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:35,800 So, you know, to like come to a meeting over here, 713 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:37,400 to go to a meeting on the other side of the hill 714 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:39,280 or to go to a place that you belong, 715 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,240 you know, it's like, it's easy. 716 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:42,960 And any lengths to me, you know, 717 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,600 where I'm asked to do an AA request when asked, 718 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,520 it's like, that's not really any lengths anymore. 719 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:50,640 You know, helping a newcomer, I mean, helping my sponsees, 720 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,280 that is like, if he's done with such ease and comfort, 721 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:56,240 it's like, it's a smallest portion of paying back 722 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:57,760 of what you guys have given me. 723 00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:00,320 'Cause I really never thought this was possible. 724 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:01,520 I just thought that I was gonna be able 725 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:03,840 to come to Alcoholics Anonymous for a little bit of time, 726 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:07,200 figure out what you guys were doing effectively 727 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,360 to go back out there and like drink and use and continue. 728 00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:12,000 And what I have found here 729 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,880 is just a life beyond my expectations. 730 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:18,080 So if you're new, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. 731 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:21,880 We do not have to keep retelling the story of you being new 732 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:23,640 and what happened to you recently. 733 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:27,360 I encourage you to get a sponsor, to go to meetings 734 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,520 and to do the work and see if you feel better. 735 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:33,480 Because, you know, had I gone through any other path 736 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:35,240 and done anything differently 737 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,160 and continued to take Eric's will, 738 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:38,840 I would not be your speaker tonight. 739 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,280 I would most likely be in a jail or a hospital 740 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:46,760 or an institution alma mater of like Northridge. 741 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:50,680 Just 150, 150, right? 742 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:53,040 Like not enough to like, you know, diagnose. 743 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:57,520 But I'm so thankful today to know what is wrong with me. 744 00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:58,640 So thank you for having me. 745 00:31:58,640 --> 00:31:59,840 Mal, thank you for letting me share. 746 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:00,680 - Thank you. 747 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:02,120 - Thanks, Elizabeth. 748 00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:02,960 Thanks, Eric. 749 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:03,800 - Thank you.