1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,600 - I'm grateful to be here, I'm delighted to be here. 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,840 I made a lot of friends on the 405 freeway tonight. 3 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,360 Thank you, Karen, for inviting me. 4 00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,040 It's an honor and a privilege to do anything 5 00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:14,960 for Alcoholics Anonymous, thank you. 6 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,520 I'll share with you what it was like, 7 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,640 what happened and what it's like today. 8 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:21,160 My sobriety date is June 2nd, 1999. 9 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:23,560 My sponsor's name is Sharon C, 10 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,120 my home group is a specific group. 11 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:29,440 And welcome to any newcomers to Alcoholics Anonymous. 12 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:33,440 This is the place to stop drinking and using drugs. 13 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,960 If you have a problem with drinking and using 14 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:40,040 or if somebody thinks that you do, I like our story. 15 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,440 Anyway, yeah, I grew up in Lancaster 16 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,620 and that was my first resentment. 17 00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:49,820 It's not why I started drinking, 18 00:00:49,820 --> 00:00:52,400 but it is why I started doing crystal meth. 19 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,680 So all I'm gonna say about that. 20 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,060 So yeah, I grew up in Lancaster. 21 00:00:57,060 --> 00:00:59,520 I had this big Mexican American family. 22 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:03,320 We drink for every reason, baptisms, weddings, 23 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,000 funerals, graduate, everything for everything. 24 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,960 And my mom had a lot of brothers and sisters 25 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,880 and a lot of aunts and uncles, and they would have, 26 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,480 I'm old, but in the '70s, 27 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,520 they had Soul Train and Soul Train line dances. 28 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,880 So we had that in my grandma's living room 29 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,480 and they had a bar. 30 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,520 Usually grandmas have like these cute little cherubee, 31 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:26,240 not my grandma, she had a bar and we drank. 32 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,040 Budweiser beer, that was my first drink. 33 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,400 So I drank in the summer, I was 11 and a half years old. 34 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,740 My mom shipped me off to my grandma's house 35 00:01:33,740 --> 00:01:38,500 and I drank Budweiser beer in the park with my Chola aunts 36 00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:41,880 and they made me all Chola, my hair was really high 37 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:45,240 and I had red lipstick on and had black eyeliner. 38 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,040 And I remember my aunt Becky, 39 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,920 haven't even had a drink yet and my aunt Becky is like, 40 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:52,480 "Please don't smoke because we're gonna hairspray our hair. 41 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,000 We don't wanna catch on fire." 42 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,560 And so I totally behaved and then we walked down to the park 43 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,280 and we shared a six pack of Budweiser beer. 44 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:04,800 And I didn't know that was gonna kick off my alcoholism. 45 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,640 I had no idea I was an alcoholic. 46 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,480 I had no idea I was a baby drunk. 47 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:12,280 I loved it, I don't know if it was hot, it was summer. 48 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,600 I mean, I drank it and then I drank another one 49 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,000 and we were supposed to share a six pack, but I had three, 50 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,120 they shared the other three. 51 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,600 I was sharing kind of and what happened for me 52 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,880 is these Cholo guys came and they're low rider cars 53 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,720 so we jumped in the car and they had more alcohol 54 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:28,560 and blah, blah, blah. 55 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,120 And then we were, I guess, cruising, I guess we'd call it. 56 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,880 So we were cruising and then I over drank 57 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,280 because I had some of theirs, they shared with me 58 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,480 and then I was starting to throw up half in the car 59 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:38,400 and half out of the car. 60 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,560 And I couldn't like get the window down anyway. 61 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,400 So when I brought my head back in, I was like, 62 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,400 "Oh my God, this is so much fun." 63 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:50,400 And it was the eighties, so all the stuff went, 64 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,920 hope you had dinner, all the barf went into my hair 65 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:55,240 and just so much fun, you guys. 66 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:56,880 If it could have stayed like that, 67 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,640 I would have kept on drinking. 68 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,640 That was a good night and I didn't drink every day. 69 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:02,920 Like I said, I was really young. 70 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,280 I didn't start drinking every day till I was about 15. 71 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:06,480 So it took a little while. 72 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,400 And I grew up in this alcoholic home 73 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,600 and it's just crazy when I grew up in that home 74 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,800 and I had had it up to here with my parents. 75 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,240 They were, "Oh, thank you." 76 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,000 So what happened for me is I just ran away. 77 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,080 Like I ran away for good. 78 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,920 I was about what, 13? 79 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,640 I was hitchhiking up and down Sierra highway. 80 00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,800 I had my backpack with me and all my makeup 81 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,000 and my Madonna records. 82 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,800 And I just remember feeling like more at home on the streets 83 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,080 than I did in my own home. 84 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:31,960 That's a weird feeling. 85 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,800 And so my experiences is once I took that drink, 86 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,080 I was being driven. 87 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,360 Like I dropped out of school. 88 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:38,400 I gave up those friends. 89 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,040 I sacrificed them my safe, 90 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,360 well, at least a roof over my head for homelessness. 91 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,320 I sacrificed having a meal every day 92 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:45,640 and I was eating out of a trash can 93 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:46,680 when it got really desperate. 94 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:47,800 Sleeping in my friend's cars 95 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,200 or sleeping in somebody's garages 96 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,520 and hiding in bushes so the cops won't come and get me 97 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:52,440 and drag me back home. 98 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,320 I mean, it was so serious. 99 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:55,760 Yeah, I thought I was having fun. 100 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,080 And looking back through my inventory, 101 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,560 I can tell, I could look back on the pages 102 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,520 and see where I've been driven by my own alcoholism 103 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,200 all the way back from when I was 11, 104 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,480 that first night I took that drink. 105 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:11,280 So by the time I was 15 and I had moved in with this guy 106 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,560 and we were having a baby, 107 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,240 that's the only thing that put the brakes on my drinking 108 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,080 is that I got pregnant 109 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,280 and I was able to not drink for nine months. 110 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:22,640 Not because I had all this spirituality or any, 111 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,400 I don't know, I was just not so addicted yet 112 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,440 that I could put the drink down for nine months. 113 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,520 And he was the drug dealer, the local drug dealer, 114 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,520 so he was like perfect for me. 115 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,560 And we had a good little side business. 116 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,960 I was good at weighing and measuring. 117 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,800 But there were problems because we were having a baby 118 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,280 and so I got hauled out of there and onto foster home. 119 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,560 The story does get better by the way. 120 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,840 Went to foster care and it was just that. 121 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,960 It was just a crazy alcoholic life 122 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,920 and it's the only normal one I know. 123 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,160 And looking back on it, 124 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,200 that girl that I just told you about, she's dead. 125 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,040 She didn't make it. 126 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,720 Like I could not keep drinking the way I was drinking. 127 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:03,760 I could not drag my little tiny baby boy as a 15 year old 128 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,120 from heartbreak to heartbreak, house to house, 129 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,200 living the way I was living. 130 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,080 I couldn't do it. 131 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,760 The only way I could do it is drinking. 132 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,640 Like it made the unbearable bearable. 133 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,400 A lady in AA said, that's what you did. 134 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,800 You made the unbearable bearable. 135 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,400 And I was physically desiring drinking 136 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,760 but I thought I was having fun. 137 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:20,600 I got a little job. 138 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,440 I got better. 139 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,480 I went to a continuation school 140 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,960 where they sent all the pregnant teenage girls. 141 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:25,800 So I went there. 142 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:29,320 Then I thought the problem was Lancaster. 143 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:30,280 So I had my little son 144 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,880 and then I moved all the way to Cini Valley. 145 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,520 And I know, I know it's just as windy in Cini Valley 146 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,520 and hot in Cini Valley. 147 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,440 And now I'm in my 20s and fast forward, 148 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,120 I found a better job, a better place to live. 149 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,200 And what I'm sharing is that 150 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,600 even though my life is getting better, 151 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:44,920 the insides were not. 152 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,160 The thinking was not. 153 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,440 I was still suffering from insane thinking 154 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:52,160 'cause why would drinking sound like a good idea 155 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,040 if I'm already having blackouts? 156 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,520 Why would drinking again sound like a good idea 157 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,680 if I'm already like driving drunk? 158 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,880 Why would drinking again sound like a good idea 159 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,160 if I forget which babysitter I have left my son with? 160 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:06,120 And that's how I drink. 161 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,320 I just thought I was a bad mom 162 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,520 or I didn't know how to save money. 163 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:10,240 'Cause I would spend all my money at the bar 164 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,840 and I would think, gosh, maybe if I only took $20 in 165 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,240 I would only spend that 20. 166 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,720 And maybe I wouldn't get so drunk. 167 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:16,840 But no, that didn't happen. 168 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,360 I just found another way to get more alcohol. 169 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,280 And so what happened for me was I was getting older 170 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:23,680 and getting more and more drunk 171 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,440 because the disease of alcoholism is progressive. 172 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:27,840 My little son's growing up 173 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,480 and I thought I was in a pretty safe place. 174 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:35,240 And there was one time I went to somewhere far. 175 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:36,480 I can't even think of the city, 176 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,800 but it was called Quiet Canyon, 177 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,360 wherever the heck that place is. 178 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,240 And I won a salsa dancing contest, $500. 179 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,760 I didn't know I was in it 'cause I was in a blackout, 180 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,320 but still want that money. 181 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:47,960 And I'm like, hey, this is not bad. 182 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,840 But then I would drink at another bar 183 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:53,200 and bad things happen and the sky took me away. 184 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,120 And so right before my life flashed before my eyes 185 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,280 when he was pounding on this bathroom door 186 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,080 and he was busting in, he was a complete stranger. 187 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,480 I don't even remember much. 188 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,480 But I just remember my whole life flashed before my eyes 189 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,160 and I thought, I don't wanna die like this. 190 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,440 I do wanna raise my son. 191 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,520 And if I am gonna die, I wanna choose how I die. 192 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,400 And you would think that that would make me stay sober. 193 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,200 Like at least not drink for a while. 194 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:18,200 But man, when his fist crashed into this side of my head, 195 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,960 I was grateful when I came to the next day like, 196 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,040 oh, I'm still alive, that's good. 197 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,560 And maybe if he lets me go, I'll do something different. 198 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,160 It's kind of like not very good prayer. 199 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:31,280 But I asked God, please help me be better. 200 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,000 So when he did let me go, when he released me, 201 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,680 first thing I did is I drove home and I opened the door 202 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,360 and I went straight to the fridge and get a drink. 203 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,800 I did not think maybe I should stop drinking. 204 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,480 I thought maybe I shouldn't go to Mexican bars 205 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,720 in the valley 'cause it's not safe. 206 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,600 So my girlfriends and I, we started going to Irish pubs 207 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,400 and we started drinking lots of beer. 208 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,400 Sounds like a good idea to me. 209 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:53,600 I did not stop drinking. 210 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,240 I didn't stop drinking for another four, maybe five years. 211 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:58,320 And then in between that, I married my coworker. 212 00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,680 I know it's crazy. 213 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,560 Like if ever you think getting married 214 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:02,840 is gonna help you with your drinking, 215 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,240 it actually makes it worse. 216 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,080 So that's my experience. 217 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,000 Don't tell him that. 218 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,600 But so I got married to my coworker roommate guy 219 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,880 and I thought, God, thank God we're roommates 220 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,120 'cause I would never go out with you. 221 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,520 And then I got married and I thought, 222 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:20,200 what is, my life was just spinning out of control 223 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,920 and I had all these plates spinning. 224 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,400 And so my experiences, what I was experiencing 225 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,200 was utter hopelessness, which is wanting to stop 226 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,280 but can't stop drinking, insanity, 227 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,520 thinking that a drink is gonna make things better, blackouts. 228 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,720 And then by the time I stopped drinking, 229 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,440 what happened was I would, I got married 230 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,320 and I would fly to Las Vegas every Mother's Day 231 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,080 'cause it was very stressful being a mom. 232 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,880 And then I would lie and say my name is Sarah 233 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:43,920 and I would drink and dance. 234 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,800 And then I was accidentally hanging out with a pimp. 235 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:46,960 It's a long story. 236 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:47,920 I was hanging out with a pimp. 237 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,600 I didn't know it, but the fur coat 238 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,400 and the hat and the feather should have been a clue. 239 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,320 He looked me in the eyes. 240 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,640 He's like, Sarah, oh, I lied and say my name is Sarah. 241 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,320 Sarah, are you sure you want me to do this? 242 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,160 Do you want a drink? 243 00:08:58,160 --> 00:08:59,480 And I said, yes, I want a drink. 244 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,720 And then I had been hearing voices by now. 245 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,840 I don't know, probably nobody hears voices like I did, 246 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:04,840 but I was hearing voices. 247 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,640 And this one actually had a good idea. 248 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,440 It said, get out of the car and run. 249 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,000 And so I did what we did. 250 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,360 And then I grabbed my shirt 251 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,760 and I went running across that big street 252 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,160 'cause streets are much whiter in Vegas. 253 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,000 They really are. 254 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,360 And I was bloated. 255 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,320 I was in and out of a blackout. 256 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,040 I was sunburned on my armpit and the roof of my mouth 257 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:23,880 'cause I'd hang out. 258 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,080 I had hung out at the pool all day. 259 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,840 And so it hurt to run and I over drank. 260 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,360 And so have you ever been so drunk and bloated? 261 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,160 Like you hold your belly so you could run faster 262 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,440 'cause it's sloshing around. 263 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,040 But that's kinda how it was. 264 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:39,000 I was racing to get out of there 'cause I thought, 265 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,040 he's gonna get me. 266 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,400 And I look back, nobody was there. 267 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,800 So that's hallucination, I think. 268 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,160 I could be wrong. 269 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,400 I called my husband at the time and said, 270 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,280 you have to fly me home. 271 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:50,400 This is the end, you guys. 272 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,480 I mean, it should be the end. 273 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,240 I called him, told him what happened. 274 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,680 The girls stole my money and they left me in Vegas. 275 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,280 So you got to come get me or give me money 276 00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,360 or buy me a ticket. 277 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:00,880 And he's like, you have the worst friends. 278 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,200 I said, I know, they are terrible. 279 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,920 I'll never do this again. 280 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:06,760 And I flew home. 281 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:07,600 I didn't have a blackout. 282 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,520 And what I was gonna do was he met me at the gate. 283 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:10,880 This was before 9/11. 284 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,040 He met me at the gate and he wanted to know what happened. 285 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:13,920 I couldn't look him in the eye. 286 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:14,960 I said, I told you what happened. 287 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,200 And I slipped out of there and he took me to my car 288 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,880 and I was gonna take my car and crash it 289 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,440 into the pillar on the freeway, on the 405 freeway. 290 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,320 And when I went to go do it, he was following me 291 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:24,600 so I couldn't, chickened out. 292 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:25,440 And that's the end. 293 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,440 Talk about the hopelessness and the despair of the alcoholic. 294 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,200 The loneliness, even though I'm a married woman 295 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:34,480 with friends, children, my dog, Jaeger. 296 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,880 I mean, I still not stopped drinking. 297 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,960 That loneliness and then drinking and pouring the alcohol 298 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,520 on top of that loneliness is like, 299 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,080 it just wasn't helping anymore. 300 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:44,560 Have you ever drank yourself clear? 301 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,800 Like you drank so much, but your head is still going, 302 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,040 but your body's all, yeah, that was me at the end. 303 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:52,920 So I drove home and my sons met me at the door. 304 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,200 My once, my oldest son and then my two stepson. 305 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,360 And I said, mommy's sick. 306 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,760 I went upstairs and it dawned on me 307 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,200 I should probably call this girl who I had met 308 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,480 at a class I was in. 309 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,560 We'd gone to a play a couple of weeks earlier 310 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,000 and I told her what happened. 311 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,960 'Cause she told me she was in ANA 312 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,480 and she didn't drink no matter what. 313 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,040 One's too many, a thousand's not enough. 314 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,840 I'm like, what in the heck kind of math is that? 315 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:13,960 Like, what are you talking about? 316 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,040 And the talk is really good. 317 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,920 She goes to a meeting every day at 7 a.m. in Burbank 318 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,200 and she calls her sponsor lady every day. 319 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,120 And then she goes to work after the meeting 320 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,720 and then she stays there the whole day. 321 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,920 And I was like, wow, that's amazing. 322 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,040 How do you stay at work the whole day? 323 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:34,040 And so I called her and told her what happened in Las Vegas 324 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,840 where I was so drunk and I was dancing 325 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,080 with my best friend Sparkles and then the pimp guy. 326 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,560 And she's like, oh my gosh, that happens all the time in AA. 327 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:42,840 You will fit right in. 328 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:43,680 And I believed her. 329 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:44,520 I'm like, really? 330 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,480 She's like, yes, we hang out with pimps all the time. 331 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:51,560 And I felt so comforted, like really? 332 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:52,600 There's a place for me? 333 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,080 She's like, oh, you're gonna fit right in. 334 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,520 Can you go to a meeting today? 335 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,600 And I was, maybe I overreacted. 336 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,920 And I said, yes, I could go. 337 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,040 I wasn't gonna go that day, maybe though. 338 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,040 I lied. 339 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,040 She said, can you not drink that day? 340 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,880 And I said, yes, I don't have to drink every day. 341 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:10,800 I just like to drink every day. 342 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,280 That's why I drink every day, but I don't have to. 343 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,200 But if I wanted to, but if I don't want to 344 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,760 and you don't want me to, I won't. 345 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,320 And she's like, okay, don't. 346 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,720 And I'm like, whoa. 347 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,360 And so by five, I don't know what time it was 348 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,360 in the morning that morning, I don't even remember. 349 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,720 But I remember right around five or six o'clock 350 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,480 I was pacing, it was time for me to drink. 351 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,360 So I drink every time I was supposed to be cooking dinner. 352 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,160 I was a stay-at-home mom by now. 353 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,000 It was designed that way so I could drink. 354 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:34,840 That was a hard day. 355 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,520 That was June 1st. 356 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:37,760 My Friday day is June 2nd. 357 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:38,680 So that was June 1st. 358 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,480 June 2nd, I had nothing in me. 359 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,200 I went to a meeting the day after that in Agoura Hills. 360 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,040 It was at a bank. 361 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,880 And I walked up to the, and they were really happy. 362 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,520 And they were drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes 363 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,760 and hugging and the men were slapping each other on the back 364 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,600 like, hey, and I was like, who are these people? 365 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,560 And they were looking at me like, who is that? 366 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,360 'Cause I remember I was all bloated and fat 367 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,840 and I have a sunburn everywhere. 368 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:01,680 And they're like, who is that? 369 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,280 And they asked me, are you new here? 370 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,880 And I said, no, I've been in this neighborhood 371 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:09,040 for many years and they laugh so hard. 372 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,920 I hope they made it to the area. 373 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:12,840 I'm like, what did I do? 374 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,360 They're like, okay, welcome. 375 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,400 And they sat me down. 376 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:20,480 It was like a half circle, like a U, like a half circle. 377 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:21,680 And they sat me at the end 378 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,120 and they gave me a half cup of coffee 379 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,440 and they were really nice to me. 380 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,880 And here's what I know now, 381 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:31,480 the power of a higher power working in that meeting, 382 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,200 expressing God through those people, 383 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,160 unconditional love for this crazy, sunburned, 384 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,760 smelly, bloated, sweaty newcomer, me. 385 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,280 And the topic of the meeting 386 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,240 was their first year of sobriety. 387 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,040 I don't think that was the topic when I first got there. 388 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,120 I think they changed it. 389 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:47,960 I could be wrong. 390 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,480 And they each went around the room 391 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,320 and they shared about their first year. 392 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,000 And all I thought was, oh, oh, okay. 393 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,120 But a meeting directory. 394 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,200 And I was like, no, thank you. 395 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,040 No, thank you. 396 00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:58,880 No, thank you. 397 00:13:58,880 --> 00:13:59,720 No, thank you. 398 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:00,560 No, thank you. 399 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:01,400 No, I'm just kidding. 400 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,240 No, I'm just kidding. 401 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,080 You got my tissues. 402 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:03,920 Sorry. 403 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:04,760 Thank you, Enrique. 404 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,160 You're so kind. 405 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,520 On this, I did say I'm like an alcoholic. 406 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,600 And I said I was new and then I started crying 407 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,880 and they're like, yay, we can do it. 408 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,200 I had had a newcomer for a while. 409 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,720 So they're like, let's get her. 410 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,880 (mumbles) 411 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,280 And I appreciated that 412 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,920 because that's the unconditional love 413 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,360 that we get in Alcoholics Anonymous. 414 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,720 Like they didn't want anyone to go out that door 415 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:30,560 not feeling welcomed. 416 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:31,840 And I really appreciated that 417 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,480 because anytime I walked in the door 418 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,400 and I was a mess, her family would be like, 419 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,600 oh, here she is again. 420 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,320 Oh, who asked, who told her that to come? 421 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,160 I'm that friend where everybody's invited 422 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,080 and I accidentally find out and I show up 423 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,320 and they're like, oh, who told you? 424 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,840 That was the, I was, anyway. 425 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,320 They said, keep coming back. 426 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,840 And one little guy looked like a leprechaun. 427 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:52,720 His name was Ralph. 428 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:53,840 And I haven't seen him since. 429 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,320 But anyway, he had shocking red hair, green shirt. 430 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,360 And he was like, listen, kid, 431 00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,000 you're gonna go to this meeting on Wednesday. 432 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,440 You're not gonna tell me no. 433 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:01,520 And the only reason why I did it 434 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,640 is 'cause he had a big bulbous nose 435 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,600 with the red vein going through it. 436 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:06,920 And I thought, I'm gonna look like that 437 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,520 if I keep drinking. 438 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,360 So where's your meeting? 439 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:15,360 And I didn't know you guys had meetings 440 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,640 like many days a week. 441 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,320 I thought there was only one on Sunday 442 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,320 and the one on Wednesday. 443 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:23,440 So from Sunday to Wednesday, I just waited till that meeting. 444 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,200 And I went, they were really nice. 445 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,520 And they told me to go to another meeting. 446 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:28,640 And then I met some women 447 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,880 and those women told me to go to this other meeting. 448 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:31,960 And then I started going to meetings 449 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:35,360 Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, and on Sunday too. 450 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,200 And my sponsor lady was Tamra. 451 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,680 Tamra took me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous 452 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,240 my first year out of the 12 and 12, and she was fabulous. 453 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,680 I mean, I was hanging on by a thread. 454 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,280 At 60 days, I thought I might drink 455 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,760 because I had to sniff vodka. 456 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,200 I didn't just know if it still smelled like vodka. 457 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,360 And I already knew where my ex-husband, 458 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,240 my husband at the time, I knew where he hid it 459 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,520 because that's just, we just know where it is. 460 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,960 It's like, oh, there it is. 461 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,040 And it's still smelled the same. 462 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,040 I called the lady. 463 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,240 If you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, call the people. 464 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,120 I called this lady and I told her that I had sniffed alcohol 465 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,600 and she's like, oh, no, no, no, we don't do that in AA. 466 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:11,480 I said, we don't? 467 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,880 I know we don't drink, but we don't sniff either. 468 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,560 No, no, we don't. 469 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,880 Who's your sponsor? 470 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,120 I said, you're the, I made this deal with God 471 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,720 that this is what I actually told her. 472 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,480 I'm gonna call all the women on the women's list, 473 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,520 the Friday women's list, and you're number 21 474 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,080 and nobody answered, so I figured if no one answers 475 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,840 then it's okay to drink 'cause I could always come back. 476 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,640 And she said, and then she answered the phone 477 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,600 so I was mad, so I couldn't drink. 478 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,000 And she said, no, we don't, we just don't, 479 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,080 you're not gonna drink today. 480 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,200 I said, oh, okay, and then I didn't. 481 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,640 And then it was inches and seconds, my sponsor always says. 482 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,400 I think Norm Alpe says that too, inches and seconds. 483 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,960 Seconds and inches, and my first year was rocky. 484 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,080 My ex-husband was used to me drinking 485 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,600 and being a drunk wife all the time. 486 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,600 And my kids were like, why are you here? 487 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,120 Like, I'd go see them in their room 488 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,720 'cause the AA lady's like, remember all your kids? 489 00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,240 You should try to talk to them. 490 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,240 Like, oh, okay, how? 491 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:02,600 And she's like, just go in their room 492 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:03,600 and do what they're doing. 493 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,680 And I'm like, they're doing this 494 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,440 and their room smells like dirty socks. 495 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,600 And she's like, just sit down in there. 496 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,880 So I went in there and they're like, why are you here? 497 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,040 I knocked on the door and they're like, yes. 498 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:16,880 It was so funny. 499 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,080 Those boys, my oldest son and my two step sons, 500 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,360 they're both, the oldest ones are 37 now. 501 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:25,080 And the youngest one is 33 now. 502 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,960 And they're all married, they all have children. 503 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,880 That's how it started in my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. 504 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,600 My sponsor always says she has her dignity back 505 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:33,920 and she got her innocence back. 506 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,320 And that's my experience too. 507 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,840 It was only through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous 508 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,800 and totally surrendering and sacrificing something 509 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,680 that was not working, drinking and using 510 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,760 and being a crazy chick out there and a party girl, 511 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,960 all that stuff that I was doing, 512 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,200 lying and cheating and trying to outrun my thinking 513 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,640 by drinking, I had to give all that up and sacrifice. 514 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,600 And it wasn't like a huge sacrifice. 515 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,640 Yes, it is a huge sacrifice. 516 00:17:58,640 --> 00:17:59,520 Yes, it is. 517 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,400 But only looking back now, 518 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,320 it's nothing compared to the whole life that I have today. 519 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,040 Meaning I had to sacrifice something 520 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,840 that was completely not working. 521 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,360 And eventually I probably would have died or gone to jail 522 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:13,640 to get something better and the whole way of life, 523 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,880 the new way of life is sobriety, helping others, 524 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,880 freedom, happiness, joy, serenity, peacefulness, 525 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,120 no wrecked cars, no, I shouldn't say that. 526 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:25,640 I won't say that, that's not nice. 527 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,880 But nice people in my life and not mean ones. 528 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,960 Well, if they are, I'm sober enough to say thank you, 529 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,880 but no thank you, keep it moving. 530 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,120 So letting go and letting God 531 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,120 has led to this incredible life, 532 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,320 but it wasn't without sacrifice. 533 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,600 And I talked to someone about this too recently. 534 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,080 She's like, well, it's just so hard to let go. 535 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,280 I'm like, it's hard to let go of all your DUIs. 536 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:46,920 It's hard to let go of that boyfriend 537 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,240 that's beating the hell out of you. 538 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,400 That's a tough one, I remember mine. 539 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,240 What else is hard? 540 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,080 It's hard losing, 541 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,400 it's hard to let go of the job that you've been fired. 542 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,680 Yep, that's hard to let go. 543 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,160 And then she started laughing. 544 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,200 She's like, oh, I guess things aren't very good, are they? 545 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,600 I just had to laugh 'cause I felt the same way. 546 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,600 I remember I was telling my husband about alcoholics, 547 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,840 my husband at the time about Alcoholics Anonymous 548 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,200 and he's like, oh my gosh, honey, 549 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,800 I think I'm really concerned 550 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,640 because they're brainwashing you. 551 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,320 And yeah, you should tell someone. 552 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,360 And so I told my friend Rebecca in the Wednesday meeting, 553 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,960 I'm like, Rebecca, did you know that 554 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,320 my husband said that you guys are brainwashing me? 555 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,680 And she's like, yeah, we are. 556 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:27,360 It's true because your brain needs washing. 557 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,440 Oh, okay. 558 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:33,360 She's like, you're trying to change my whole life. 559 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,560 She's like, yeah, we are 560 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:35,680 because your life sucked before. 561 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:36,800 I was like, whoa, okay. 562 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,000 And it's like, she told me anything I said, 563 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,640 I said, all I do is cry, I'm so sad. 564 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,880 She's like, yeah, it's sad. 565 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,600 Your life is very sad. 566 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,440 And she said, and all things need water to grow, 567 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,200 so you're doing great. 568 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,040 And then I told her I had a year 569 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,360 and this lady became my sponsor. 570 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,120 And then I said, my husband, after I turned a year sober, 571 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,080 so this is why the big book says no human power 572 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,480 can relieve me of my alcoholism 573 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,160 and that I had to trust and rely upon God 574 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,640 and do the 12 steps. 575 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,360 'Cause my husband came to me at the time 576 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,160 and had a year and he said, I miss my old wife. 577 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,200 I miss my old life. 578 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:15,080 When can you drink, I guess, but not how you did drink. 579 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,680 So then I told on him to my women's meetings, 580 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,840 ladies, I reported him, oh, you should tell your sponsor. 581 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:21,920 I'm like, that's a great idea. 582 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,360 I should tell my sponsor too. 583 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,960 So I took my sponsor and my sponsor said, 584 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,760 oh, we sure are gonna miss him. 585 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:32,240 We got divorced, not because of that statement, 586 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,600 but I had to really work my program. 587 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,880 Now I'm in my second year with or without a family. 588 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:38,120 'Cause if I start drinking again, 589 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,480 I'm gonna lose my whole family anyway. 590 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,000 And we ended up not staying together. 591 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,400 And so we walked through all of that. 592 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,840 I say we, meaning the people in my support group, 593 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:48,000 my sobriety sisters, my sponsor, and most of all, God. 594 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,920 Talk a lot about God because my higher power 595 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,360 is the one that saves me all the time. 596 00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,280 Higher power is the one who answers the call 597 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:54,440 no matter what time of day it is, 598 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,080 whether there's meetings or no meetings or phone people 599 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,960 or answering people or people or not. 600 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,160 People are great and I love the people in my life, 601 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,080 but I just know they cannot save me. 602 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,320 I have to go to a higher power. 603 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,240 My sponsor shows me the way out through the 12 steps. 604 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,840 But when I was, you know, not doing so well, 605 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,880 it was the higher power that I went to on my knees. 606 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,240 And I learned to say this prayer, God, please help me. 607 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,680 God, please save me from the obsession of self. 608 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,560 And then this prayer, these are not in the big book, 609 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,760 but the prayer like, God, please don't let anything 610 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,720 get in the way of my spiritual experience. 611 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,560 And I would just say that on my knees 612 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,600 until the urge to either drink or use somebody 613 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,760 or do something to myself or use something like food 614 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,800 or shopping or whatever it is. 615 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,240 And I would just stay there on my knees 616 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:36,040 because what I'm left with is after you take the drinking 617 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,240 and the drugs and the meth and the food and the this 618 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,720 and the that away, all that's left is me and my higher power 619 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:42,400 and how to get real close and get real clear 620 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,480 to that higher power about what it means to stay sober 621 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,360 and alcoholics anonymous one day at a time 622 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:49,400 for the rest of my life. 623 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,360 And what am I gonna do? 624 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,000 What kind of life do I wanna live? 625 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,760 Do I wanna be miserable in AA? 626 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,920 No, I wanna be happy, joyous and free. 627 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,680 So I had the opportunity to do the steps all over again. 628 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,680 And now I'm almost three years sober 629 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,560 and I had gotten divorced, had a new career, money, 630 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,200 this, that, boyfriends. 631 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,080 I got engaged a couple of times 632 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,280 to a couple of different people, not at the same time, 633 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,680 different and that wasn't it either. 634 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,240 I ran a marathon, went to Hawaii, 635 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,880 but I still felt like I'm not gonna make it in AA. 636 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,240 And this lady took me through all the 12 steps 637 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,960 out of the big book and she showed me the truth 638 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,320 about my alcoholism that just 'cause I'm sober 639 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,800 in the middle of AA doesn't mean I'm like completely safe 640 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,040 'cause the insanity came back 641 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,360 and I wasn't thinking about drinking, 642 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,600 but I was thinking if this doesn't get better 643 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,960 'cause I thought I had done everything in AA. 644 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:37,640 Meetings, commitments, working with others, doing all that, 645 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,720 but not have a spiritual experience. 646 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,720 I can't not, I'm not gonna make it. 647 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,800 It says I have to have a spiritual experience. 648 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,080 That's what it says in the big book and hadn't. 649 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:50,000 So she took me through all the 12 steps all the way through 650 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,120 and I got to really see the truth 651 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,240 about my alcoholism, drunk or sober. 652 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,720 I knew that I was powerless over Dr. Jekyll, 653 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,360 who I am when I'm drinking and using, 654 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,760 but I didn't know I was powerless over Ms. Hyde, 655 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:01,800 who I am sober. 656 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,120 Probably got that backwards, 657 00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:04,320 but you'd think you know what I mean. 658 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,800 I didn't know I was powerless over the stuff 659 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,000 I was doing while sober, 660 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,560 like the whole engagement thing, engagements things. 661 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,080 That kind of stuff and it got real. 662 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,080 I was $68,000 in debt, had to pay all the money back, 663 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,640 had to sell my house, get rid of the cars, the convertible, 664 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:18,760 had to get rid of everything 665 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,400 because that stuff was blocking me 666 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:21,600 from the sunlight of the spirit. 667 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,960 I didn't know what I didn't know. 668 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,400 I didn't know I was blocked by 669 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:25,920 from the sunlight of the spirit. 670 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,440 I didn't know all those things I was doing 671 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,000 was walking me towards the drink. 672 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,440 I didn't know that I could have a complete 673 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,840 and total spiritual experience of my mind, 674 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,200 my body and my soul. 675 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,040 I didn't know that I could have peace and freedom 676 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,720 and that I didn't need to have money to be okay. 677 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,640 I didn't know that not having a husband or a boyfriend, 678 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,440 that I still had value because I'm a human being 679 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:49,520 and a spiritual being and I'm a beautiful child of God, 680 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,640 whole and complete, lacking nothing, needing no one. 681 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,120 I didn't know any of that. 682 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,720 And what I didn't know was hurting me. 683 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,400 I didn't know that I was trying to use things 684 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,600 that were less than God and that none of it 685 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:01,480 was going to work. 686 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:02,320 I didn't know that. 687 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,480 I'm glad I learned that because that kept me sober 688 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,960 long enough to go through all the 12 steps. 689 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,320 And that's just my experience. 690 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,120 Like other people in my experience, 691 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,800 I've seen in my observation, 692 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,000 they don't have to, they can do all those things 693 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:15,960 and they're still okay. 694 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,200 Maybe they're just hard drinkers or heavy drinkers, 695 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,480 but I couldn't, got kind of scary. 696 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,600 But what happened for me on step 11, 697 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,720 I was actively doing step nine, making all my amends, 698 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,080 paying all that money back, 699 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,120 making amends to everybody and everything. 700 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:30,280 And it was crazy. 701 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:31,480 And then I got to step 10 702 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,720 and then I started doing God dates with God, obviously. 703 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,840 God dates 'cause I wasn't dating anyone. 704 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,640 So that was kind of a shock. 705 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,120 And I was willing to do that. 706 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:43,280 And I was spending 6 p.m. to 12 a.m. on Friday nights 707 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:44,280 with a higher power. 708 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,240 That was my step 11. 709 00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,960 So I was doing 10 and I was living in step 11. 710 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,240 That makes, I hope I didn't get that. 711 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,440 Anyway, that's what I was doing when all of a sudden 712 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,040 I went to this luncheon in Malibu 713 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,160 and all my sponsors' birthday party. 714 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,160 And my mind was still chattering, 715 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,200 the mind chatter, the obsession of the mind. 716 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,800 And then I crossed the threshold of the restaurant 717 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,320 and it just got removed, all that thinking. 718 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,240 And then it took me by surprise. 719 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,720 I thought, is that what they were talking about in meetings? 720 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,160 Is that what that means in the big moment? 721 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,880 Like this just stops and gets quiet 722 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,240 and I get to be in the moment 723 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,120 and seeing genuinely wanting to help others, 724 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,160 not in a selfish way because I need to help you 725 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,640 because I'm not gonna make it if I don't help you, not that. 726 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,440 Just, hey, everybody, did you know 727 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,120 that there's some promises in the big book? 728 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,440 And they're like, yeah, we know. 729 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:29,760 I was like, wow, we did it. 730 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:30,640 I knew they were in there, 731 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,400 but until I had the experience of them myself, 732 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,480 then it was real. 733 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,280 And that's what I've learned in my experience in AA, 734 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:38,520 like these things are real. 735 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,520 What they talk about in the big book, 736 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:43,160 like a spiritual experience of the white light variety 737 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,160 and the educational variety, those things are real. 738 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:46,400 The promises are real. 739 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,680 And I asked my sponsor at the time, 740 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,880 I go, wait a second, you mean I do everything in this book, 741 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:51,880 I'm gonna get this? 742 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:52,720 Yeah. 743 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,760 And I was halfway through paying all the money. 744 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:55,720 That still hurts. 745 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,520 I wanted to keep their money. 746 00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,280 I wanted my their money. 747 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,960 And it was so hard. 748 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,480 You mean, thank you. 749 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,800 If I pay all this stuff, I'll have promises? 750 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,440 I'll have, she said, yeah, really? 751 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,680 And I thought, whoa, I said, do you promise? 752 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,120 She's like, well, yes, it's a promise. 753 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:17,640 I was like, whoa, you're guaranteeing me this? 754 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,360 She said, yes, if you do everything. 755 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:20,200 And I had to do everything. 756 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,760 And so that was many years ago. 757 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,640 That was 21 years ago. 758 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:25,080 And it's been like that ever since. 759 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,160 Nothing can take away that spiritual experience. 760 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,080 Nothing can take away the thing that just sits right here, 761 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:31,040 which is the higher power that always wanted to drink. 762 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,320 That part just got all filled up from the love of God 763 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:34,160 and it just stays there. 764 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,400 What it's like today is I got married to my best friend. 765 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:37,880 He's sober 12 years. 766 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:39,960 We've been together 10 years. 767 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,960 I was today at my oldest son 768 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,880 that I told you about, my 37 year old son. 769 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,640 He and his girlfriend are gonna be having a baby. 770 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,960 I'm gonna be a grandmother in December. 771 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,520 Life is completely different, that old life. 772 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:53,240 I guess I just needed to have that experience 773 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:54,320 so I could share it with all of you 774 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,840 and maybe help another woman or man. 775 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:57,760 And so what it's like is my higher power 776 00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:58,600 goes with me everywhere. 777 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,080 I don't make excuses for my higher power. 778 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,800 I just, I have to just, oh, 779 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:03,640 I know what I wanna talk about. 780 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,320 I have to do what the higher power says. 781 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,800 He immediately, I have to obey that higher power. 782 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,600 So if I get thought about something or someone, 783 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,480 I have to call them or I have to text them like, 784 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:13,320 hey, I know it's weird. 785 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:14,960 You haven't heard from me, but you popped into my mind. 786 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:15,800 Here's a check. 787 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:16,640 So they'll call me. 788 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:17,880 And some people are like, oh my God, 789 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:18,720 I was just thinking of you. 790 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:19,800 And it gets like, woo. 791 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,120 It's not meant to be scary, but it gets like that. 792 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,120 I don't know what you call it, but that's what happens. 793 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:26,480 I guess it's called the intuitive thought or action. 794 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:27,800 That's what it's called in the big book. 795 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,880 So I take action on it. 796 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:34,120 I call it inspiration and I get inspired and I go do it. 797 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:36,360 And so, and that's what it's like today. 798 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:37,200 How much time we have? 799 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,160 So I got married and he's a wonderful man. 800 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,080 We started a family and this is the power of the 12 steps 801 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:43,960 and having a connection to a higher power. 802 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,160 We were starting a family 803 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,360 and I had been pregnant with twin girls 804 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,920 and I was five and a half months and I lost those girls. 805 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,080 We lost those girls. 806 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:52,880 I had terrible miscarriage 807 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,520 and we were in a hospital in Santa Monica 808 00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,240 and I never turned my back on God. 809 00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,680 I did not get mad at God. 810 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,040 I was just heartbroken as my husband was heartbroken 811 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,320 and all our friends and family, we were heartbroken. 812 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:05,640 And I just remember the moment that we were going through 813 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:07,800 in the hospital room that we just stopped. 814 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,000 My husband and I are so well-trained in alcoholics. 815 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,600 We just stopped and held hands and prayed 816 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:12,920 and the whole room got quiet. 817 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,880 I mean, there were eight other people there, 818 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:16,600 technicians and doctors and specialists. 819 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:18,680 And they were trying to save my life and their life. 820 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,320 And it just wasn't looking good. 821 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,400 And I just, we just prayed and the room got still. 822 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:24,720 And then we made it through that. 823 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,520 And I just remember it was very sad of course 824 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:28,920 'cause the grief is overwhelming. 825 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,000 I did not wanna turn my back on God 826 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,240 'cause it wasn't God's fault. 827 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:33,800 It was just something that happened. 828 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:35,120 And some things remain a mystery 829 00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:37,040 and I guess I'll find out later or maybe I won't 830 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,600 but I have to be okay with that. 831 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,160 And having that connection to a higher power made it okay. 832 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,040 It wasn't what I wanted, but it made it okay. 833 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,600 And I did not have to drink and I did not have to use. 834 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:47,200 I did have to get out of bed sometimes 835 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:48,200 'cause my sponsor made me, 836 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,640 but I didn't have to do anything else. 837 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,600 I remember opening the curtain to the hospital room 838 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:56,800 and there was this beautiful rainbow outside of the window 839 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:58,880 and it was July, it was July 18th 840 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,120 and there was a beautiful rainbow. 841 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,120 And I said, okay, that's my sign from God 842 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:03,040 that everything's okay. 843 00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:04,880 The girls are with their higher power. 844 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,520 So we said hello and goodbye that same day. 845 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:08,600 And then my husband and I, 846 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:10,920 we got to get really even more close 847 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:12,800 and even closer to our higher powers. 848 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:15,280 And what happened in one minute and 10 seconds 849 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:16,400 is that four years later, 850 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,440 we adopted a little boy and he's a gift from God. 851 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:23,200 His name is Matthew and he's the light and love of our lives. 852 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:24,760 And the whole thing just came about 853 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:26,840 by trusting and relying upon God. 854 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,320 I didn't know we were gonna have a little boy, 855 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,560 but I remember that inspired thought or action. 856 00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:34,320 I told my husband, I have to quit working 857 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:35,520 'cause the baby's coming. 858 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:36,760 He's like, that's a good one. 859 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,080 (laughing) 860 00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:39,720 He's like, what do you mean you're gonna quit working? 861 00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,680 I'm like, the baby's coming, the baby's coming. 862 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:42,640 We've got to get ready. 863 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:47,440 That was on May 29th and he was born on July 29th. 864 00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:49,800 So he came exactly 60 days later. 865 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:52,280 I left the house and we all spent time together 866 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,560 with my oldest son in Moorpark, California. 867 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:56,880 And we raced back here so I could be here with all of you. 868 00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,120 And my oldest son and my littlest son, 869 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:00,440 they were hugging and playing. 870 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:01,960 And I thought, this is so funny. 871 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:03,640 One's 37 and one's four. 872 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:06,080 (laughing) 873 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:07,520 So if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, 874 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:10,080 I hope you stay and thank you for letting me share.