1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,640 - Please welcome me to the sauce aisle. 2 00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:03,120 - Thank you for being so close with each other. 3 00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:05,760 My name is Grace and I'm an alcoholic. 4 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:07,440 Thanks, Monty, for your 10-minute pitch. 5 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,320 I always like when there's somebody talking before me 6 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,000 because it just reminds me what my job is here tonight. 7 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,120 Karen, thank you so much for not giving up on me. 8 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,680 I think this is the third time that you finally got me out. 9 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,360 We had to reschedule twice before, once because of COVID, 10 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:21,520 once because of something else, 11 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:22,760 but it's an honor and privilege 12 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,520 whenever you're asked to come out and participate 13 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,560 in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, 14 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,280 and I'm definitely honored to be here with you guys tonight. 15 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:32,080 My sobriety date is October 10th, 2006. 16 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,480 That's not my first sobriety date. 17 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:35,580 I just hope it's my last sobriety date, right? 18 00:00:35,580 --> 00:00:39,080 I really struggled in my first year in and out of these rooms 19 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,520 until it finally stuck for me. 20 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,400 I have a home group, that specific group. 21 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,220 I have a sponsor. 22 00:00:44,220 --> 00:00:45,680 I talk to her five days a week. 23 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:47,540 Even now with this many years of sobriety, 24 00:00:47,540 --> 00:00:49,920 she says I'm not well enough not to talk to her 25 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:50,760 five days a week. 26 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:54,020 So I take sponsor direction for the most part. 27 00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:55,240 And oddly enough, 28 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:56,980 that's the longest relationship I've had in my life. 29 00:00:56,980 --> 00:01:00,280 She's been my sponsor for 14 of those 16 years 30 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:01,120 that I've been sober. 31 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,920 And I grew up in Venice, California. 32 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:05,840 Geographics are not a part of my story. 33 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,820 I live in Culver City, California now, 34 00:01:07,820 --> 00:01:10,000 and that's like four miles outside of Venice. 35 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,960 I hear other speakers talk about, 36 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,220 I woke up on a plane on my way to France. 37 00:01:14,220 --> 00:01:15,280 That's not my story. 38 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,760 I never woke up out of a blackout 39 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,000 to somewhere fancy like that. 40 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,520 I woke up out of a blackout on my way home from Venice Beach 41 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,920 trying to get home, but nothing that fancy. 42 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,340 And the funny thing is when I first came 43 00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:28,360 to Alcoholics Anonymous, 44 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,400 I didn't identify with speakers who talked about blackouts. 45 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,480 I was like, I don't think I have that, right? 46 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,940 And when you're new, you start looking for the differences. 47 00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:39,040 And I was like, yeah, I just never really blacked out. 48 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:40,040 Well, the truth of the matter is 49 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:41,280 towards the end of my drinking, 50 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,120 I was doing a lot of speeding cocaine. 51 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:44,760 So I wasn't blacking out. 52 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,320 I was rounding out, but you know, 53 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,000 and we'll get to that a little bit later. 54 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,380 I believe in singleness of purpose, 55 00:01:50,380 --> 00:01:51,400 but I can't tell you my story 56 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,860 if I don't tell you about everything that I did. 57 00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:53,900 I started with alcohol. 58 00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:54,920 I ended with alcohol. 59 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,720 Alcohol is a big part of my life. 60 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,040 It's where I started. 61 00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,280 I grew up as an only child. 62 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,560 I had two wonderful parents. 63 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,820 There's no abuse in my life. 64 00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,880 There's no, I can't, I didn't come to AA 65 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,800 with this whole resentment with my parents 66 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:07,700 or anything like that. 67 00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:10,560 I had a father, which I refer to as a functioning alcoholic. 68 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,560 And what that looked like to me growing up 69 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,280 is he would wake up in the morning, 70 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:18,360 take a shot of whiskey, go take shower, go to work. 71 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,680 And then on his lunch break, he'd sit in his truck 72 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,720 and he'd have a pint of whiskey underneath the seat. 73 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,280 He'd take a couple of shots then, 74 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,520 go back to work, come home, a couple of shots of whiskey 75 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,600 and a couple of beers and do it all over again. 76 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,760 I never saw that man drawn. 77 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:30,600 I never saw him. 78 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,160 So I talk about his drinking 79 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,200 because that formed my opinion about drinking early on. 80 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,840 I didn't think drinking was a negative thing, right? 81 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:41,600 And so it just, that's what I thought drinking was all about. 82 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,720 And I thought everybody's dad drank that way. 83 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,120 I didn't have any other point of reference 84 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,960 other than what my dad was feeling, right? 85 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,520 And it wasn't until I went to a friend's house 86 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:50,600 and spent the night and I was like, 87 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,400 oh, her dad doesn't drink whiskey in the morning. 88 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,040 And then I kind of knew we're a little bit different, right? 89 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,640 But like I said, there was no, I never saw him. 90 00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,000 You know, he did everything. 91 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,520 He made sure my mom and me had a roof over our head. 92 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:02,920 I was well taken care of. 93 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:07,420 I wanted for nothing and I never went without food, right? 94 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:10,400 So I grew up in a loving family and he was strict. 95 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,620 He was very strict. 96 00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:14,020 I definitely was treated like the little boy he didn't have. 97 00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:15,240 And back then we have, you know, 98 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,000 in the seventies we had corporal punishment. 99 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,160 We hit our kids, you know, and I got spanked. 100 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:22,760 So, and so, you know, what happened was I never felt 101 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,720 comfortable and I thought being an only child 102 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,840 was the biggest part of why I felt the way I felt. 103 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,980 I thought if I just had a brother or sister, 104 00:03:28,980 --> 00:03:30,880 I could feel better, right? 105 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,880 Now I didn't know that was gonna become the theme 106 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:33,800 throughout my life. 107 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,360 If I only had this, if I had this toy, 108 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,480 I would be much happier. 109 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,160 If I had that boyfriend, I would be that much happier. 110 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,480 If I had this much more money, I would be that much happier. 111 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,520 That can still be my attitude today, 112 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,480 even with the amount of recovery in my life, 113 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,560 if I'm not staying spiritually fit. 114 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,520 But as a child, I didn't have these words. 115 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,160 I didn't know what those feelings were. 116 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,440 I just wanted, wanted, wanted, right? 117 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,280 And I think somewhere around the, 118 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,640 at the age of 11 is when I had my first drink. 119 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,640 And what that looked like was I took a couple of shots 120 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,480 off that whiskey bottle that my dad had in the refrigerator. 121 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,080 And what I remember about that was it tasted like crap. 122 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,040 It was horrible. 123 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,880 It burned, but something told me to keep going. 124 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,760 And I took a couple of more shots, right? 125 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,960 Then I got that warm, fuzzy feeling inside. 126 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,580 And what happened for me was I went in the room, 127 00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:19,520 did a couple of cartwheels, somersaults, whatever, 128 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,600 and remembered that feeling. 129 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,520 I didn't become a daily drinker at the age of 11. 130 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,900 But at 13, when I got into junior high school, 131 00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:27,860 you know, the uncomfortable feelings I felt at that age, 132 00:04:27,860 --> 00:04:29,880 I mean, it's just being a teenager. 133 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,400 You know, it's just a combination of my alcoholism. 134 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:33,920 I believed I was born with this. 135 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,720 And being a teenager was just a, 136 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,000 God, I just didn't feel like I fit in. 137 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,720 And, damn it, I forgot to look at the clock. 138 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:41,560 What time do I end? 139 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,380 7.25. 140 00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:43,220 - 8.25. 141 00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:45,320 - 8.25, okay, great, thank you. 142 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:46,520 'Cause I'm not that go-over girl. 143 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,240 I'm not gonna make you guys sit here all night. 144 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,320 (laughing) 145 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,480 And what happened at 13, I got invited to a party. 146 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:52,520 It was a backyard party. 147 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:53,760 There was a cake beer flowing. 148 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:54,880 There was a band playing. 149 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,280 And I was getting really drunk off cake beer. 150 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,040 And what happened that night for me was, 151 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,160 felt like I belonged. 152 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,080 I didn't feel prettier. 153 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:01,920 I didn't feel anything. 154 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,600 I just felt like I belonged to this group of people. 155 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:05,560 I made out with a boy, 156 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,300 and I got really, really drunk that night. 157 00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:08,780 Now, I woke up on Sunday morning, 158 00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:10,360 and I was puking my brains out. 159 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,760 And I thought to myself, 160 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,420 I'm gonna do this for the rest of my life. 161 00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:14,680 And I wanna tell you guys, 162 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,920 at the age of 13, that was my sole purpose in life, 163 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,240 was to be okay. 164 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,520 I found my solution. 165 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,160 I found what was making me feel okay 166 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,240 and that I could participate in life 167 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,820 and be a part of this group of people. 168 00:05:25,820 --> 00:05:26,880 And that's what I did. 169 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,240 And of course, we couldn't get alcohol all the time. 170 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,480 And we did a lot of things. 171 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,520 This was back in the early '80s. 172 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,880 We pimped a lot of beer. 173 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:35,520 We found places they would sell us beer. 174 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:36,480 They weren't that strict. 175 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:37,920 We did a lot of things, right? 176 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,120 I spent my summers, 177 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,280 this is where we were off for summer in June. 178 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:42,700 We didn't come back until September. 179 00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:44,840 So I spent three months at Venice Beach. 180 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,520 I grew up hanging out at the beach. 181 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,400 I lived just a few miles outside of Venice. 182 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,760 I lived in Mar Vista and it was a great time. 183 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,380 I mean, I could not, you know. 184 00:05:53,380 --> 00:05:54,880 At 14, my mom came to me and said, 185 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,880 "You know, me and your dad are gonna get a divorce." 186 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,320 And I cried for one minute, one minute, 187 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,640 because what I realized was with him not in the house, 188 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,040 I could get away with a lot more 189 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:05,760 'cause my mom was far less strict. 190 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,860 When my father said Grace Elizabeth, 191 00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:10,080 and to put my whole government name into it, 192 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,580 I knew I was in a lot of trouble. 193 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,560 And I knew if he was out of the house, 194 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:14,920 I could get away with a lot more. 195 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,080 And that's what happened. 196 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,000 Basically going into Venice High School at the age of 15, 197 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,720 my mom was starting to sew her own oats 198 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,560 and she was off dating and doing, you know, 199 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:23,680 the things she hadn't done in years 200 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:24,900 'cause she had been married to my father. 201 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:27,360 And you know, one time I used to smoke a lot of weed 202 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,320 'cause we could get weed a lot easier. 203 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,440 And I was not one who could hide being high, right? 204 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:33,360 When I walked in the house, 205 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,740 it was just a stupid look on my face, a big grin. 206 00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:37,120 I could not hide. 207 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,640 I could not hide being high. 208 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,840 And my mom said to me and one of my girlfriends, 209 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,400 she said, look, I know you guys are out there 210 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,160 drinking and partying. 211 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,080 I would prefer you guys to do it at the house 212 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:47,680 where I could keep an eye on you 213 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,880 and I don't have to worry about you. 214 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:53,960 I was like, result, okay, sounds good to me, right? 215 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,200 And I think we all kind of grew up with one of those friends 216 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,360 and up until my father separating my mom, 217 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:00,560 I had a couple of friends like that. 218 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:01,760 And so I always spent the night out 219 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,040 when I was doing that kind of partying. 220 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,000 I never did that at home. 221 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,640 But now this is the summer that I'm going into high school 222 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:07,680 and me and all my girls, 223 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,080 we're partying so hard at my house that whole summer. 224 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,800 By the time I got to high school in that September, 225 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,120 I had to give myself a time out. 226 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:15,580 I was so drugged out. 227 00:07:15,580 --> 00:07:16,640 I was just like, oh my God, 228 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,640 I just smoked so much weed and drank so much 229 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,120 that whole summer I was done. 230 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,000 And I got into high school and everything was good. 231 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,740 My first year I was an A and B student. 232 00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:25,160 I was doing everything they were supposed to do. 233 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,580 I made the varsity softball team. 234 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:28,720 Softball was my passion. 235 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:29,660 That's what I wanted to do. 236 00:07:29,660 --> 00:07:31,000 And then somewhere in 11th grade, 237 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,320 it all went to hell in a handbag. 238 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,280 And I just remember being so uncomfortable 239 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,040 and feeling like I just didn't have any friends, 240 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:36,960 which was all a lie. 241 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,520 Like I just went to my 35 year high school reunion 242 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:42,040 and nobody remembers high school the way I do. 243 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,980 Like that tells me everything I need to know 244 00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:46,040 about my perception, about the way I saw things. 245 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,040 Everybody's like, oh my God, Grace, it's so great to see her. 246 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,200 I was like, oh my God, I didn't think she liked me, right? 247 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,760 To this day, I still have that off perception 248 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,480 about how I see myself 249 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:58,360 versus how people actually see me in that situation. 250 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,380 Anyways, so I barely, you know, 251 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:01,760 I'm not going to school in 11th grade. 252 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,040 I'm doing a lot of drugs, you know, I'm a pig. 253 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,120 If you tell me it's gonna make me feel great 254 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,600 some type of way, I'm gonna take it, right? 255 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,680 And this was the PCP days. 256 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:11,680 This is the eighties. 257 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,940 This is, you know, mushrooms and acid. 258 00:08:14,940 --> 00:08:17,080 My best friend was selling a lot of acid 259 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,800 and I fried with her for the first time. 260 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:21,120 And what I remember about that was this. 261 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:24,640 I was in a nightmare for, I want to say 36 hours. 262 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,720 If you're not, you know, speed, it's a ride 263 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,120 you can't get off of, right? 264 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,420 Once you go ahead and drop that speed, 265 00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:30,480 whatever happens, happens. 266 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,020 There's no control, there's no nothing. 267 00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:33,840 And that wasn't for me, right? 268 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,440 So I tried different things. 269 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:38,240 So when I did it once, somebody, I tried PCP once, 270 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,480 I did that once too and I didn't like that, right? 271 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,760 I saw my girlfriend standing there like zombies 272 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,280 and they were just peeing on themselves 273 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,080 and they had no control what was gonna happen to them. 274 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,920 I never went out to get loaded 275 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,220 so that I could not be in control of myself. 276 00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:51,940 That's always what I tried to do. 277 00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:55,680 I just needed to get there, not way over there, just there. 278 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,480 But I could not do that, right? 279 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:58,880 And, you know, through the years 280 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,120 of being an Alcoholics Anonymous, 281 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,760 I told you guys I didn't know I had blackouts. 282 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,040 And then I remember sitting there 283 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,440 listening to a speaker one night. 284 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,800 And I was at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium, 285 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,280 Motorhead was the show 286 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,360 and Wendy O was opening up for Motorhead. 287 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,480 And I had a pint of Jack 288 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,520 because I was going through my Jack Daniel phase. 289 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,120 I drink a lot of Jack Daniels. 290 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,980 Problem is whiskey really takes me out 291 00:09:18,980 --> 00:09:20,480 and it makes me really mean. 292 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,440 So I had to move on to other things. 293 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,360 I didn't drink it, of course. 294 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:27,520 But I remember, all I remember is ace of spades 295 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,400 coming on really loud and that's all I saw at the show. 296 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,660 My friends found me later on. 297 00:09:31,660 --> 00:09:34,040 I was passed out in the bathroom with five other girls. 298 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,880 We're all laying there just passed out. 299 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,440 And I never saw a Motorhead. 300 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,840 Never saw a Motorhead in the Santa Monica. 301 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,060 Pretty resentful about it 302 00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:43,000 because it's just a little too late for that. 303 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,080 But that's how we grew up, right? 304 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,440 Drink, drink, drink until you're just done, you're legless. 305 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,440 And that's basically what I did every time I drank, right? 306 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,400 And I hear speakers talk about, 307 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,180 I wouldn't trade my best day out there 308 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,960 for my worst day sober, bullshit. 309 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,260 You know what, I had a good time. 310 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:01,000 I grew up in Venice, California 311 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,360 when it was dog town and with suicidal tendencies. 312 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,360 And we had a great time. 313 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,400 I would never go back and change anything I did. 314 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,680 Nothing, right? 315 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:12,240 And it was a lot of fun until it wasn't fun anymore, right? 316 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,040 Until things got to me. 317 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,800 Things didn't get to me until I was about 36. 318 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,000 So there's a few things that happened 319 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,400 between me getting out of high school. 320 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:23,740 I had a lot of dreams and I had a lot of aspirations 321 00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:24,580 when I was in high school. 322 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:27,800 I wanted to become a lawyer or I wanted to be a veterinarian. 323 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,040 I loved animals and I wanted to work with animals. 324 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,280 And soon what happened for me 325 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,060 was I made it through high school. 326 00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,000 I graduated by the skin of my teeth. 327 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,520 But I told you about that 11th grade year, 328 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:38,600 I just wasn't doing well. 329 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:39,760 And all my friends were going 330 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,420 to Phoenix Continuation High School, 331 00:10:41,420 --> 00:10:43,200 which was behind Venice High School. 332 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,840 And they were going to school and they were like, 333 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,680 they had to be at school at nine o'clock in the morning 334 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:47,680 and they were off at one. 335 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:48,680 They were making ass trades 336 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:49,840 and then they're off to the beach. 337 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:50,840 That's what I want to do. 338 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:51,680 That was me. 339 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:52,520 I was like, that's what I want to do. 340 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:53,340 They got it easy. 341 00:10:53,340 --> 00:10:55,060 But there was a guidance counselor that just said, 342 00:10:55,060 --> 00:10:57,760 no, you know, getting your GED and going to a continuation, 343 00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:58,980 it's not the same as graduating. 344 00:10:58,980 --> 00:11:00,520 And so he talked me into staying. 345 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,840 And what that looked like for me was six classes, 346 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,920 summer school and Saturday classes. 347 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,720 And I was, well, all my friends were like four periods 348 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:09,560 in their last year. 349 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,420 I was doing everything all, every day of the week. 350 00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:14,540 And I played softball, which was important to me. 351 00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:16,000 I didn't play softball in my 11th grade year 352 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:17,560 because I wasn't, I didn't have the grades. 353 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,880 So I managed to graduate high school by the skin of my teeth. 354 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,400 But by the time I got out of high school, 355 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,360 I had already traded those dreams and aspirations 356 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,400 in for king alcohol. 357 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,200 And what I did was I got busy 358 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,680 and I got a job at a veterinary clinic 359 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,280 and I started to pursue my dream that way, 360 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,600 but I had no motivation to go to college. 361 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:32,600 I just didn't want to do it. 362 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,280 I had parents who couldn't afford it anyways 363 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,700 and I certainly didn't have the grades 364 00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:37,020 because I'd blown that up. 365 00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,320 That was to become a theme in my life, right? 366 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,760 Blowing things up in my life 367 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,200 because alcohol became too important to me. 368 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,280 I'm sorry, I don't know what is happening in the back. 369 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,680 And so, I move along and I'm doing well 370 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,140 and I am my father's daughter. 371 00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:51,120 I look just like my dad. 372 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,420 I go to work, hungover or not, it doesn't really matter. 373 00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:55,920 I make my money and I'm 18 years old 374 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,920 and I'm months out of high school and I'm sitting there 375 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,600 and my mom's got me paying some sort of like, 376 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:04,000 I don't know, $150 rent 'cause in my family, 377 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,200 nothing's for free, right? 378 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,120 And I remember I was sitting there with a cold Bud Light. 379 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,080 It was all sweaty and I drink a lot of Bud Light 380 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,680 'cause I'm always watching my weight 381 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:16,680 and I was writing checks out for my little bills, right? 382 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,200 You know, we used to write checks back in the day 383 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,080 we did get to pay our bills online 384 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:24,520 and I'm totally, I'm 53, I'm old. 385 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,400 I'm dating myself here tonight. 386 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,900 And I remember writing my check out for my rent 387 00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:30,320 and I'm drinking that beer 388 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,280 and I remember thinking to myself, I'm gonna drink. 389 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,960 I knew, I knew I had become a daily drinker at that point. 390 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,800 I had, I started drinking beer every day 391 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:38,760 at that point in my life. 392 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,480 My mom, she'd say, what do you want from the grocery store? 393 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,600 I say, just make sure I have beer, you know, and that's it. 394 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,720 So I become a daily drinker at that point 395 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:48,000 and I knew, intuitively I knew I was probably an alcoholic. 396 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,240 I don't know how I knew that, I didn't know anybody in AA, 397 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,660 but I knew I was an alcoholic, but I thought to myself, 398 00:12:52,660 --> 00:12:54,360 you know what, as long as I pay my bills 399 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,900 and I go to work every day, 400 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,760 no one's gonna tell me about my drinking. 401 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,920 So at 18, I had that attitude that I'm gonna drink 402 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,960 the way I wanna drink for the rest of my life. 403 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,440 I don't identify with chapter three 404 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,540 where we, you know, did different things. 405 00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:08,760 I didn't do a lot of that. 406 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,480 Even towards the end of my drinking. 407 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,800 Now I stopped drinking Jack 408 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:15,120 because it just got me too drunk, too quick, right? 409 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,380 I don't care if I'm fighting 'cause I'm a fighter. 410 00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:18,320 I don't care, you know, 411 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,760 I'm out there brawling with the rest of them. 412 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:20,600 That doesn't matter. 413 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,560 I didn't stop drinking Jack 'cause I got into fights. 414 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,200 I just couldn't control it as much. 415 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,020 Then I moved, you know, 416 00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:27,040 as the years went on my drinking changed a little bit. 417 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,360 I was drinking wine and nothing that fine, but just wine. 418 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,400 And you know, Red Bull and vodka was my drink of choice 419 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:37,440 towards the end and Jagermeister on the rocks on the side. 420 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,200 So that would be my bar back, right? 421 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,200 And that's the way I drink. 422 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,640 And I stopped liking the taste of beer. 423 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,360 So I wasn't drinking much beer towards the end. 424 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,720 But you know, I didn't do a lot of that changing up 425 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,920 and I didn't have a lot of repercussions in my life. 426 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,800 In my twenties, I went to work. 427 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,920 Like I said, I did all of the things I needed to do. 428 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:52,740 I went to work. 429 00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:53,920 The hangovers were brutal. 430 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,100 I still went to work. 431 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,720 I don't know why I didn't drink in the morning before work 432 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,740 because that would have helped me. 433 00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:01,280 And I don't know if I just didn't know about, 434 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,700 I mean, I knew about that on the weekends, 435 00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:04,720 but for whatever reason, I thought I can't take a drink 436 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,080 and go to work because they'll smell it on me. 437 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,040 Now, I didn't think about how much I smelled 438 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,080 from the night before. 439 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,620 I can tell you at any given time I was driving to work, 440 00:14:11,620 --> 00:14:13,320 I was never legally driving. 441 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,400 You know, I was always going to blow over the limit 442 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,360 going to work because there were many times I drank 443 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,680 until three o'clock in the morning 444 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,360 that I was up at seven to go to work. 445 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,840 That's not enough time, right? 446 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,560 Now, I didn't know that until I came to AA 447 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,160 and I was like, geez, I could have had a DUI. 448 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,640 There were so many times I had close calls with DUI. 449 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:28,960 I don't want to, people get all bitter, 450 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,340 but I never got a DUI in the 25 plus years 451 00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:32,180 I was drinking and using. 452 00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:33,600 I pulled over twice. 453 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:34,440 I got out of it. 454 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,360 It was the 90s. 455 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:36,920 I smiled, you know what I mean? 456 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,360 I got out of it, right? 457 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:39,780 I've been handcuffed plenty of times. 458 00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:41,520 I hung around with a rough crowd in Venice. 459 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,060 Won't get into too many of those details, 460 00:14:43,060 --> 00:14:44,720 but I never got arrested. 461 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,400 Came close, but never got arrested. 462 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,760 And only because I'm lucky, not any different. 463 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,100 I went through many periods of my life. 464 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,160 I was selling a lot of cocaine at one point in my life. 465 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,720 I had many eight balls in my car. 466 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,360 I got pulled over, they didn't search my car. 467 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,200 I got lucky, right? 468 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,080 I always had a tater of speed in my purse 469 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,200 'cause speed kept me going. 470 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,480 That's how I got to work in the morning. 471 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:01,400 After those long nights, 472 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,600 I started a couple of lines of speed and go to work. 473 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:04,560 That's my story. 474 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,200 That became the way I drink. 475 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,800 The way I could drink as much as I drank 476 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,480 is I had to do an offer to offset 477 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:10,760 what I was doing with alcohol. 478 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:11,720 And that's the way I drink. 479 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,240 So I'm going to fast forward a little bit to 36. 480 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,720 So let's go to 35. 481 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,880 I was 35 years old. 482 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:17,840 I'm in a boyfriend. 483 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:18,680 We're engaged. 484 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:19,880 I love him, right? 485 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,000 And he's, you know, got two kids. 486 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,320 We're playing house while we have the kids, 50/50, 487 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,100 and then we're partying while the kids are with their mom. 488 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,280 And we live in the marina. 489 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:30,580 We have a nice townhouse. 490 00:15:30,580 --> 00:15:31,480 Everything looks great. 491 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:32,320 He's got a great job. 492 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:33,220 I have a great job. 493 00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:34,760 At this point, I'm working at the university. 494 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:35,880 I work at UCLA. 495 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,120 And so everything looks good on the outside. 496 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,480 What happens is this. 497 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,120 In the process of selling that cocaine, 498 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,640 he, you know, I have syringes 499 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,200 'cause I vaccinate my animals. 500 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,340 He says, "I want you to shoot me up." 501 00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:46,680 I was like, "No way," right? 502 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,200 My whole life, I thought anybody who was a heroin addict 503 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,500 is the worst of the worst. 504 00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:52,540 They're the junk, the scum of the earth. 505 00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:54,940 That was my attitude about shooting dope, right? 506 00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:56,600 So he finally talks me into it. 507 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:57,440 I do it. 508 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,200 He's high, and he's looking like he's having a good time. 509 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,780 I like to have a good time, and I like to get up. 510 00:16:01,780 --> 00:16:02,960 So I stick a needle in my arm. 511 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,520 I never thought that that would be my story. 512 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,560 I never thought I would sit up here and tell anybody, 513 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,640 you know, I'm a recovering addict too. 514 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,160 But that is who I am, right? 515 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,600 That took me so quick. 516 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:12,840 That happened at 35. 517 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,600 I got sober when I was 36. 518 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:15,600 If I didn't do that, 519 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,280 I don't know if I'd be your speaker here tonight 520 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:18,600 because I was making it work. 521 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:19,560 I was making it work. 522 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,520 I don't know if I'd be here tonight and be your speaker, 523 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:22,440 but that took me down. 524 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:23,620 And so I'm grateful for that. 525 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:26,280 And that's my journey, and that's what brought me here. 526 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,720 And what that looked like was a lot of shame. 527 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:29,560 A lot of shame. 528 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:30,880 I was shooting dope at work. 529 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,620 I was doing it, you know, 530 00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:33,920 I don't want to snort sweet anymore. 531 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,200 All I want to do is stick a needle in my arm with cocaine. 532 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,020 And that's it. 533 00:16:37,020 --> 00:16:37,860 That's all I want to do. 534 00:16:37,860 --> 00:16:40,840 And that takes you down fast, right? 535 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:44,580 And what happened for me was in February of 2006, 536 00:16:44,580 --> 00:16:45,900 I did what I normally do. 537 00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:47,240 I made a vodka in Red Bull. 538 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,120 I went in the bedroom, shot myself up, 539 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,000 came out about five steps out of the hallway, 540 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,480 and fell out and had a seizure. 541 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,040 I woke up with my boyfriend on top of me, 542 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,360 and he was like, man, I thought you died. 543 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:57,200 I said, what's wrong with you? 544 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,140 Get off of me, I'm fine. 545 00:16:58,140 --> 00:16:59,300 You're so dramatic, right? 546 00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:02,160 Now I imagine looking back on that, he was scared. 547 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,980 He's seeing his girlfriend flip flop on the floor 548 00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:06,160 like a fish out of water, and that's pretty scary. 549 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,280 But I didn't feel anything. 550 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,480 That's his experience. 551 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:09,720 I was fine, right? 552 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:10,700 But that started my journey. 553 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,700 And that's what I refer to as my purgatory. 554 00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,620 From February to October 10th, 555 00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,480 I could no longer continue drinking 556 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:17,980 and using the way I was doing it. 557 00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:20,360 I was now in, I can't stop doing what I'm doing, 558 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,160 but I know I can't continue doing what I'm doing. 559 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,440 And so that started my journey 560 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,860 in and out of the rooms of alcoholics. 561 00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:27,500 Anonymous, I went to an Ed-A meeting. 562 00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:28,340 I couldn't do it. 563 00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:29,680 It just, I didn't identify. 564 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,800 It was, people were sad in this meeting. 565 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,040 And I was like, why would I do this? 566 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,300 Why would I sit and do this? 567 00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,940 So I couldn't do that. 568 00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:39,800 And I knew alcohol, well, not at that time 569 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,240 I didn't know alcohol was my problem. 570 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,080 I thought if I could just stop shooting Coke, 571 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,360 I'd be good, right? 572 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,040 And what happened was I sat in enough meetings 573 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,080 of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I caught alcoholism, 574 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,240 and I realized alcohol has always been my problem. 575 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,160 If I don't drink, I'm not shooting dope. 576 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,720 I've never had the urge to shoot cocaine 577 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,320 since I got sober and stopped drinking. 578 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,360 But when I drink, that's what I do, right? 579 00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:00,100 And so, and you can throw a bag of Coke on the table 580 00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:01,260 and you're like, hey, let's snort this. 581 00:18:01,260 --> 00:18:02,680 I'm like, nah, I don't do that. 582 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,280 You got an outfit, I'll shoot it. 583 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,280 You know, that was how it happened for me. 584 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,360 So I went on one last run about the 5th of October 585 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:10,920 and I was up for three or four days. 586 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,080 I had called out sick. 587 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,020 I had a lot of sick days. 588 00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:13,860 It didn't matter. 589 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:14,720 I just called out sick. 590 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,680 And I had been going in and out of the rooms 591 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,080 and I talked to this lady, Toni, 592 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,440 and I finally called her on the morning of October 10th. 593 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:21,920 And I said, Toni, I need your help. 594 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,720 And she said, I've been waiting for you to make that call, 595 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,540 Grace. 596 00:18:24,540 --> 00:18:26,440 And she said, you're a slipper and you need Pacific group. 597 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,260 And when she, I didn't know what that meant 598 00:18:28,260 --> 00:18:29,160 and I didn't care. 599 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:32,620 'Cause what had happened for me is I was out of answers. 600 00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:34,720 I had no more friendly direction to go 601 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,080 and I was willing and I was desperate. 602 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:37,920 And if you're new, 603 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,040 and I saw a couple of people raise their hands, 604 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:41,480 I hope that's where you're at. 605 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,540 I hope that you get to keep your seat 606 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:44,760 and stay in these rooms. 607 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,120 'Cause my life has been amazing 608 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:47,520 ever since I've made that decision. 609 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,440 And she took me to a meeting and it was a ticket meeting 610 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,560 and they gave you a ticket at the door. 611 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:52,400 Your number got called, 612 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,720 you go up to the podium and you share. 613 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,200 And I wasn't sharing. 614 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,200 I could tell you that I wasn't raising my hand. 615 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,820 I wasn't doing any of that stuff, 616 00:18:58,820 --> 00:19:00,440 but my number got called that night 617 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,040 and something bigger than me. 618 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:04,400 And I choose to call that God 619 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,000 dragged me up to that podium that night. 620 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,800 And I said, my name is Grace and I'm an alcoholic 621 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:08,840 and I need a sponsor. 622 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,200 And that started my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. 623 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,440 And I'd like to tell you, I never looked back. 624 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,680 That's not true. 625 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:15,600 I don't know about, I don't know, 626 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,040 60 days into my sobriety, 627 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,420 I was starting to feel better physically. 628 00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:20,600 And all of a sudden I realized what I got locked into. 629 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,040 I don't know if you know the Pacific group. 630 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,400 They're a bunch of Nazis. 631 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,600 It's crazy. 632 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,080 And I have a meeting every night. 633 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,520 I have a commitment every night 634 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,720 and I'm going to watches and I'm doing this 635 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:30,560 and I'm doing that. 636 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:31,680 I'm like, this is crazy. 637 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:32,580 How did this happen? 638 00:19:32,580 --> 00:19:34,280 I told my sponsor that I had, I said, 639 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,440 what happened in '90 and '90, right? 640 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:37,960 And she goes, yeah, we don't do that here. 641 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,080 You're going to keep that commitment 642 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,600 till we change secretaries. 643 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,400 And I started to learn early on. 644 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,720 I'm grateful for my home group. 645 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,240 I love my home group. 646 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,960 I wouldn't have the life I have today 647 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,480 if I didn't have the home group I have. 648 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,400 And I started in the step work 649 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,840 and bless my mom. 650 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,440 I remember writing my steps out 651 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,080 and I remember writing out my amends 652 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,160 and I remember saying to my sponsor, 653 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,400 I never stole from my mom. 654 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,220 I never did anything like that. 655 00:20:02,220 --> 00:20:04,040 I was out and I was out on my own. 656 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,920 My father had passed away when I was 21. 657 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,020 I had gotten a little bit of money. 658 00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:08,480 I moved out at 22. 659 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,080 I was on my own self-supporting. 660 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,120 I never stole from my mom. 661 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,800 I don't know why that was such a big deal in my mind. 662 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,000 And my sponsor said, hold on a second. 663 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,540 Did you not call your mom for three weeks at a time 664 00:20:19,540 --> 00:20:21,360 and make her worry about you? 665 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,920 And I was like, well, yeah, yeah. 666 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:27,280 And she said, you stole a good night's rest from your mom. 667 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,940 That's what you stole from your mom. 668 00:20:28,940 --> 00:20:30,760 And I needed my sponsor to show me that. 669 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,260 I didn't know I needed to make an amends to my mom 670 00:20:33,260 --> 00:20:34,100 'cause she would. 671 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,080 She would call me and I wouldn't call her back 672 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:37,740 'cause I was busy living my life, living my best life. 673 00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:39,920 And finally she emailed me at work and said, 674 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,360 can you just let me know you're still alive? 675 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,760 And I would call her and go, why are you so dramatic, mom? 676 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:44,720 Why are you so dramatic? 677 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:45,800 Her only daughter. 678 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,280 She just wanted to know her only daughter was alive. 679 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,440 And so what happened for me is I was still, 680 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,120 I was in that relationship with that guy 681 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,560 that I told you about him and I was getting sober. 682 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,460 He was struggling and he wasn't getting sober. 683 00:20:57,460 --> 00:20:59,680 And so I would be at the meetings 684 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,320 and the ladies I started to make friends with, which I did, 685 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,400 they told me straight away, 686 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,240 find some ladies to hang out with, they'll save your ass. 687 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,060 They'll take care of you. 688 00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:08,560 And I did and I got some close friends 689 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,200 and I was coming home and he was passed out on the couch 690 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,160 and there'd be a bag of Coke on the table 691 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,300 and I would walk right past all of that, go upstairs, 692 00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,400 lock the door and lay in bed 693 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,600 and hope that I can make it through that night, right? 694 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,640 Because I'd lost my obsession to drink, 695 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:24,040 but I didn't lose my obsession to shoot, right? 696 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,880 And if it was there, it was like, you know, 697 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,160 it was really hard for me. 698 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,360 And the ladies that I was sober with, they would say, 699 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,880 you know what, Grace, you gotta leave him. 700 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,320 They'd be like, but I love him, right? 701 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,160 We've seen those couples come into AA together 702 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,200 and they're like trying, you know, and they're just both, 703 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:39,800 you know, and that's what we did to each other. 704 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:41,400 You know, one minute he was trying to stay sober 705 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,920 and I'd be like, no, let's get some alcohol. 706 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,200 And then it would be vice versa. 707 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:45,480 We would do that to each other. 708 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,360 One time he called me a bitch one too many times. 709 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:48,520 And I said, that's it. 710 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,000 I was three months sober and I left. 711 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,640 My step-sister that I had through my mom's second marriage, 712 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:54,200 she lived a block up the street from my mom 713 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,160 and she had an extra room and she had a blow up mattress. 714 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,400 I spent my first year on a blow up mattress 715 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,920 going to meetings seven days a week and staying sober. 716 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,400 And that's what I did in my first year. 717 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,400 And so as I got through my step process, 718 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,800 my sponsor had talked to me about my mom and making amends. 719 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,480 And so what I'd started doing is I'd get up 720 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,000 on a Sunday morning, walk down the street 721 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,440 and go hang out with my mom and she'd make breakfast, right? 722 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,600 She stuck me full of pancakes and I'd watch football 723 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,520 with my mom and my stepdad all day on Sunday. 724 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:18,000 I got like 50 pounds heavier 725 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,280 in my first year of sobriety. 726 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,640 But that was my living amends. 727 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,480 My mom knew where her daughter is. 728 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,520 My mom tonight went to bed at 6.30 729 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,120 'cause she goes to bed really early 730 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,280 but she knew where her daughter was gonna be tonight. 731 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,640 I live with my mom now and I take care of my mom 732 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,200 because we had lost our stepfather about five years. 733 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,800 Oh no, more than that now, maybe 10 years ago. 734 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,960 And I thought she was in a house by herself. 735 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,880 I said, mom, I should just move in with you 736 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:44,480 and I'll pay the property taxes, blah, blah, blah. 737 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,680 There's no reason. 738 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,560 And I should have never did that. 739 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:48,880 That was way too early 740 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,400 'cause now I've been living with my mom 741 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,440 and I didn't think about what I was giving up 742 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,960 when I decided to move in with my mom eight years ago 743 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,240 or something like that. 744 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:57,440 And I remember telling my sponsor, 745 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:58,640 I'm just gonna move in with my mom. 746 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,840 She goes, hang on a second, we should talk about that. 747 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:02,960 I said, oh no, we're like the best of friends. 748 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,720 We were, we were super close. 749 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,360 I called her every day when I left work. 750 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:09,380 I talked to her all the time, went by on the weekends, 751 00:23:09,380 --> 00:23:10,560 picked her up, we went to breakfast. 752 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,600 We did all this stuff, we were best friends. 753 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,920 I've done four inventories on my mom since I lived there. 754 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,420 So she's gotten old and a little curmudgeon 755 00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:21,740 and she's ornery and she's gotten a little mean, right? 756 00:23:21,740 --> 00:23:22,840 I moved in too soon. 757 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,380 I didn't realize I was giving up my autonomy, right? 758 00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:26,280 I didn't think about that. 759 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:27,640 I'm a single woman, I'm dating. 760 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:28,760 Yeah, I'm not dating anymore. 761 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,400 I live with my mom, right? 762 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,600 And I didn't think about those things 763 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:33,960 and she didn't need me then. 764 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:34,800 She needs me now. 765 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,000 Alcoholics Anonymous has given my mom back her daughter. 766 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,460 She has COPD really bad from choices she made smoking 767 00:23:41,460 --> 00:23:43,760 her whole life and she's on oxygen. 768 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,640 I take her to her doctor's appointments. 769 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,160 COVID, while that was the worst thing that ever happened, 770 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,680 COVID really helped me because we work remotely now 771 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:52,640 and they don't bring us back. 772 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,300 I go to work two days out of the week, 773 00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:56,160 mainly because I need to go to the office 774 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,680 and get away from that lady for a couple of days, right? 775 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,860 I love my mother and I'm gonna take care of her 776 00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:03,800 because I am it for that, right? 777 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,720 But it hasn't been easy, right? 778 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:06,580 It hasn't been easy. 779 00:24:06,580 --> 00:24:08,280 And I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you guys 780 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,300 and say I've always lovingly just taken care of my mom. 781 00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:12,600 I haven't, it's been hard. 782 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:14,020 The good news is I have a sponsor 783 00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:16,080 who has some similar issues with her mother 784 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,120 and she's ahead of me in that journey. 785 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:19,760 And so I get to look at her example 786 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,280 and I get to follow her example. 787 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,720 And so that's what my home life looks like today, right? 788 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,720 I was lucky enough to still keep that job at UCLA 789 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,240 and I'll have 24 years this November at UCLA 790 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:32,560 and I'm really lucky. 791 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,760 That's not, that's God's grace. 792 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,480 It's not something I deserve. 793 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,220 I was, you know, the one decision I made early on 794 00:24:39,220 --> 00:24:40,600 when I got sober was this. 795 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,120 I didn't go to my boss and say, 796 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,840 hey, I have a chemical dependency problem. 797 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:45,960 I need to go to rehab. 798 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,120 I did not want that on the record for myself, for my career. 799 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,360 I knew that much. 800 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:52,640 So I really sweated out. 801 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,120 I did it the rough way. 802 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:57,200 I went to the marina center meeting at 6.30 every morning 803 00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:58,520 for my first 90 days. 804 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,120 And then I did seven meetings at night, all Pacific group. 805 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,160 And that's how I got sober in my first 90 days of sobriety. 806 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,400 It wasn't easy, you know, 807 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,480 I'm not saying I'm better than anybody. 808 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:08,720 If I could have went to rehab, 809 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,800 you can trust and believe I would have went to rehab. 810 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,880 I think that would have just been a really great way 811 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:13,840 to get sober. 812 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,540 It was rough, right? 813 00:25:15,540 --> 00:25:17,360 But because that was such a rough way, 814 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:18,840 I never want to do that again. 815 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,440 I remember it like it was yesterday 816 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:21,760 and I'm almost 17 years. 817 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:23,240 And I remember that like it was yesterday. 818 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,520 I don't, I don't want to, 819 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,480 I don't want to start that process all over again. 820 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:27,880 So I still have a great job. 821 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:29,440 Man, you know, oddly enough, 822 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:30,800 when you start to show up for work 823 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,840 and you really do your job and you're not hung over, 824 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:36,140 you start to make raises and you get, you know, promoted. 825 00:25:36,140 --> 00:25:37,760 And I have a really great position 826 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,360 and I'm super happy at my job. 827 00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:41,200 And, you know, I just feel blessed. 828 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,280 I definitely don't feel like it's something I deserve. 829 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,360 I definitely feel like I got really lucky 830 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:47,560 in the process of the way things happen. 831 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,280 You know, I talked a little bit about the gentleman 832 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:50,960 that I was with when I got sober. 833 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,800 His name is Neil and what happened for him. 834 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,400 I talked a little bit about his story. 835 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,160 We were friends, you know, 836 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:58,680 thank God that my sponsor taught me 837 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,320 we don't shoot our wounded, right? 838 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:01,800 She says, people are going to be in and out 839 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:02,900 and we don't shoot our wounded. 840 00:26:02,900 --> 00:26:05,460 We just welcome people back and that's it, right? 841 00:26:05,460 --> 00:26:07,720 And he was a wounded, he was wounded. 842 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:08,960 And he really struggled. 843 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,020 He picked up a heroin addiction along with his drinking 844 00:26:12,020 --> 00:26:15,040 and he would try to use heroin to get off the alcohol 845 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:16,380 then alcohol to get off the heroin. 846 00:26:16,380 --> 00:26:18,920 It was just this vicious cycle that he was in. 847 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:20,960 And he would call me when he'd be at his worst 848 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,480 and I would always take his call 849 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,340 and I'd pick him up and bring him to some of my meetings. 850 00:26:24,340 --> 00:26:25,960 He knew some of the people I went to meetings with 851 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:27,040 and he would stay for maybe, 852 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:28,480 I don't know if he could get 30 days, 853 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,020 but he would be in and out, in and out. 854 00:26:30,020 --> 00:26:32,120 And somewhere when I was about five years sober, you know, 855 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,920 he was starting to show end stages of our disease 856 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,840 and it's pretty ugly and it's a rough way to die. 857 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,540 And he had called me, it was a Friday evening. 858 00:26:40,540 --> 00:26:43,400 I had been on my way home from work and he called me 859 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,520 and he said, I just got out of the hospital 860 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:46,960 for pancreatitis again. 861 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,760 And you know, I'm gonna go to the Marina Center. 862 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,360 I said, hey, I'll meet you at the Marina Center. 863 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:51,980 I got time, I'm right by there right now. 864 00:26:51,980 --> 00:26:54,220 He goes, no, Grace, I take it up enough of your time. 865 00:26:54,220 --> 00:26:55,440 Because I used to take his calls 866 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,040 and he was a real self pity kind of guy 867 00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,560 and I would never put up with it. 868 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,960 I was like, look, he would be complaining about his family 869 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,280 not wanting to watch him die, right? 870 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,080 Like he, you know, his family would kick him out 871 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:06,600 and say, we can't do this anymore. 872 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,160 And I would tell him, they have every right 873 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,280 not to watch you die. 874 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:10,760 Your oldest daughter doesn't wanna talk to you 875 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:12,320 because she doesn't wanna watch you die. 876 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,280 You know, I would just tell him the way it is 877 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,200 'cause I was getting recovery, right? 878 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,160 So he goes, no, I've taken up enough of your time. 879 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:19,300 And I said, no, I'll meet you down. 880 00:27:19,300 --> 00:27:20,140 He goes, no, it's okay. 881 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:21,880 And I said, all right, but I love you. 882 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,920 Let me know how the weekend goes for you 883 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,440 and give me a call on Monday, right? 884 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,360 Well, the phone call I got on Monday was his daughter. 885 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:29,040 And she said, you need to come to the hospital. 886 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,400 We're gonna take dad off life support. 887 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:33,320 So you need to come down here so you can say goodbye. 888 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:34,800 You know, I've had a lot of deaths in my sobriety. 889 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,200 I lost my cousin that I was super close to in my first year. 890 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:38,880 And I learned, I learned the importance 891 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,800 of being able to make that phone call to your sponsor 892 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:42,320 because when my cousin died, 893 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:43,400 we were at the Memorial service, 894 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,000 everybody went to the bar to get a beer. 895 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,400 I wanted to go to the bar and get a beer 896 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:47,760 'cause I know what a beer will do for me. 897 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:49,640 I know what six beers will do for me. 898 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:52,160 But I called my sponsor because I had had a year of training 899 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,600 to call my sponsor no matter what. 900 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:56,000 And then not too long after that, I lost my grandmother 901 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,080 and I was super close to her. 902 00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:58,320 And she used to send me cards, 903 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,560 cheering me on for my anniversaries. 904 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:01,880 And every time I got a chip 905 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,040 and she was my biggest supporter, right? 906 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,120 Now it was a big loss. 907 00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:07,640 And I lost a couple of friends in sobriety. 908 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,880 And I kept thinking, why is God doing this to me? 909 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,120 My sponsor said, God's not doing this to you, 910 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:14,560 but God's allowing you to be a tool 911 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,480 so other people can see that you can stay sober 912 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:18,440 through this amount of grief, right? 913 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,600 So by the time we got to this point with Neil, 914 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:22,720 I wanna say this was the hardest death I had suffered 915 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,240 in the five years I had been sober 916 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:27,080 because I didn't understand why God felt the grace 917 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,600 to allow me to be sober and why he could not get sober. 918 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,560 I knew that he didn't have to die. 919 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:34,040 He could have gotten sober. 920 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:36,880 So it felt horrible to watch him die. 921 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:38,640 He was bleeding out from every orifice. 922 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,760 It's just a horrible way to see somebody die. 923 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,720 But I got to be there and I got to be there 924 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,640 with his ex-wife and his two daughters. 925 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,360 His ex-wife, we always had a contentious relationship. 926 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,600 But that day we were together and we came together 927 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:51,840 and we sat there with that man 928 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,200 and watched him take his last breath. 929 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,320 I talk about Neil's death 930 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:56,440 because I don't ever want his death to be in vain. 931 00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,440 I want anybody out here who's an alcoholic 932 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:00,440 to understand it is a rough way to go. 933 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:03,360 That is our journey if we continue drinking. 934 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,120 And I know that would be my journey 935 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,000 and I'll forever be grateful 936 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,240 that I fell into Alcoholics Anonymous, 937 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,360 that I think that miracle thing happened for me, 938 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:13,640 that I was desperate, willing all at the same time. 939 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:15,640 And I took that step through that little crack 940 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:17,240 in the window that they talk about. 941 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:19,080 And I fell into Alcoholics Anonymous. 942 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:20,240 Tonight I get to go home. 943 00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:21,360 I get to be with my mom. 944 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:22,480 I get to be a loving daughter. 945 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:23,720 I get to go to work on Monday. 946 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,000 I get to do my job. 947 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:26,640 And I say, I get to do my job. 948 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,240 I don't always feel grateful to have that job 949 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:29,400 but I get to do that. 950 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,960 I'll take a phone call from my sponsor 951 00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:31,880 at 6.30 in the morning. 952 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:33,440 I'll call my sponsor at 6.45 953 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:34,640 and that's gonna be my life. 954 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:36,720 I'll forever be grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous 955 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:37,600 and people like you guys. 956 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:39,200 So thanks for letting me share.