1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,880 - I'm Lisa and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:02,960 - Hi, Lisa. 3 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:04,720 - First, I want to thank Karen so much 4 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:08,680 for asking me to lead or speak, to be here. 5 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,560 And Scott, for your share. 6 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,100 I identified with everything 7 00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:13,960 and yet our stories are so different. 8 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,400 And welcome to the guys in the back. 9 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:17,820 I'm really glad you're here. 10 00:00:17,820 --> 00:00:21,400 And I hope that if not tonight 11 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:24,680 at another AA meeting you hear what you need to hear to stay 12 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,480 'cause you don't ever have to leave. 13 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,640 I sometimes get teary when I share 14 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:31,880 because I'm so grateful to be sober. 15 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,400 I am so grateful from the bottom of my heart 16 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:35,900 to be a woman in recovery. 17 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,520 And I'm so grateful to be here. 18 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,720 So thank you so much. 19 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:40,960 Okay, I'm gonna look at the time. 20 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,280 I'm gonna take a breath. 21 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:46,540 So what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. 22 00:00:46,540 --> 00:00:48,400 I was gonna say my age just now. 23 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,740 I don't know what my age was. 24 00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:52,440 No, I'll say my sobriety age. 25 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:53,780 I'm 21 years sober. 26 00:00:53,780 --> 00:00:56,160 I got sober in 2002. 27 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:58,520 I celebrated 21 years in May. 28 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,120 That's my second sobriety. 29 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:03,880 I first got sober in 1981 at Radford, 30 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,120 the original Radford. 31 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,440 Shout out to Radford. 32 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,320 And stayed sober for 17 years and relapsed. 33 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:15,140 So I'm gonna share about my upbringing 34 00:01:15,140 --> 00:01:17,500 and my first sobriety, my relapse, 35 00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:21,880 which I think is the most important part of my story 36 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,560 because it happens and we don't all make it back. 37 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:27,760 Many people don't, and then my current sobriety. 38 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:31,240 So I was born in Canoga Park. 39 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,480 I'm a native, not too many natives. 40 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:34,300 I know. 41 00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:38,280 And I went to Canoga Park just for high school, 42 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:42,500 but up until through the ninth grade, 43 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:43,480 I went to Catholic school. 44 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,080 I went to Orlaya Valley. 45 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,720 Then I went to a girl's school in Thousand Oaks, Lorena. 46 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:52,360 That's just to give you some origin of my background. 47 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,380 I have three sisters, two older and one younger. 48 00:01:55,380 --> 00:01:58,080 And my younger sister spoke here about six months ago. 49 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:58,920 Definitely did. 50 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:00,720 And I came with her. 51 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,440 And I had incredible parents by my parents. 52 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,760 The value of life, 53 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,220 really all the values I learned from my parents. 54 00:02:09,220 --> 00:02:10,960 And I had a great upbringing. 55 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,060 My dad was an alcoholic. 56 00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:14,840 So two things can be true, 57 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:17,560 which is one of the gifts I've learned in sobriety. 58 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,560 I learned that life isn't black and white, there's gray. 59 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,080 And that was news to me because it was all or nothing 60 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,640 or black or white and two things can be true 61 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:26,720 at the same time. 62 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,800 I want to welcome my friends that came with me. 63 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,400 I just looked over, they came with me. 64 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,360 I love these two ladies so much. 65 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:37,120 So anyways, my dad was an alcoholic in our family 66 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:42,120 and he was a stay-at-home quiet drunk 67 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,020 and a bar drinker drunk. 68 00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:47,480 And he lost a lot of jobs because of his drinking. 69 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,740 But prior to that, it was a good home life 70 00:02:50,740 --> 00:02:53,240 until there was some pretty serious trauma 71 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:54,840 that happened to my sister. 72 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:59,080 And that kind of changed the dynamics of our family, 73 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,760 had to deal with her trauma. 74 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,360 My dad's drinking got worse, 75 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:06,080 but I felt like I was shield in some way by all of that. 76 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,240 You know, people share in AA meetings, 77 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,720 they remember being a kid and they never felt in 78 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,400 and they had all these weird feelings. 79 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,720 And I thought, God, you know, I don't have those memories. 80 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:22,320 But what I do remember is the teachers at the parent, 81 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,040 the nuns at the parent teacher conference. 82 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,040 And you know, I have not one bad thing to say 83 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,900 about the Catholic church or nuns or priests. 84 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:31,640 That was not my experience. 85 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,780 I'm grateful because it was the introduction to God 86 00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:38,080 that I did not have and that I was able to bring with me 87 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,280 when I started AA. 88 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,920 So I'm very grateful for that. 89 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,600 But they always said I daydreamed. 90 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,840 That was their big, big note on me. 91 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,480 I was a daydreamer and I thought, 92 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:48,640 well, that makes sense. 93 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,880 It's that thinking that never stops 94 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:54,500 and that's what I still have, even though I'm sober. 95 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,360 It's the head that doesn't stop, 96 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:58,800 wishing about I was someplace else 97 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,720 or thinking about something else 98 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,360 or listening to the thoughts in my head. 99 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:06,660 And so that's my big takeaway from childhood. 100 00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:09,560 I had great parents, a dad that was an alcoholic. 101 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,720 I went to Catholic school and what really changed 102 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,720 the trajectory of my drinking career and kind of my life, 103 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,160 I was in ninth grade at a girls' school 104 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:23,040 and I didn't go back to that girls' school. 105 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,200 And so I started 10th grade at a public school 106 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,040 and I'd never been to a public school. 107 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,920 And it was really different. 108 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,000 Coming from a close knit family 109 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,360 that was a loving, giving family 110 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,560 that was involved in the community 111 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,360 and going to a public school was very shocking for me. 112 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,760 And I didn't know what group to go with. 113 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,960 And so I went with the hippies 114 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,760 and I don't know why, 115 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,520 but they seem to be more welcoming than the sports freaks 116 00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,880 or the, I don't know, I just felt more comfortable. 117 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:58,400 And so the first time I drank was with this group. 118 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,880 We went to the park, Shadow Ranch Park at night. 119 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:02,920 Remember that park? 120 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:08,000 I love that people know what I'm talking about. 121 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,440 This is so cool being in Reseda. 122 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,200 So I went to Shadow Ranch Park 123 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,180 and it was the first time I smoked pot 124 00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:17,040 and it was really the first time I drank. 125 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,480 And I had sips off my dad's beer. 126 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,640 We had a pool and always had pool parties 127 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,700 and there was always beer and I'd had sips, 128 00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,880 but it never really did anything for me. 129 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:30,000 But this night I had four cold 45. 130 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,840 - Oh my goodness. 131 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,500 - And I had never drank before. 132 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,320 And I was the only one in the group 133 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,820 that got so ship-based, falling down 134 00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:40,860 and already embarrassing myself. 135 00:05:40,860 --> 00:05:45,340 And they had to help me to Fallbrook Square, 136 00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:46,640 which is not called that anymore. 137 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,440 I don't even know what it's called. 138 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,560 So they could call my dad to come pick me up. 139 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,480 So that was the beginning of my drinking 140 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,300 and really nothing changed after that 141 00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:56,760 other than it got very, very, very bad. 142 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,040 I continued drinking and partying 143 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,440 and through high school, I did. 144 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,860 I don't remember a lot. 145 00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:08,800 I got arrested once while I was still in high school. 146 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,240 That was Van Nuys Jail. 147 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,160 I got out of that. 148 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,280 My dad got me out for reckless driving. 149 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:16,640 And I remember thinking, 150 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,260 this is where I feel the most comfortable 151 00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:21,360 because I'm accepted by these people. 152 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,480 And I really don't know what my place is, 153 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:24,920 but this seems okay. 154 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,960 And every time I drank, almost every time I drank, 155 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,760 I had blackouts. 156 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,120 And during that time, 157 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,160 'cause it was in the very early '70s, 158 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,840 so there was a lot of outside substances 159 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:40,720 or outside issues that I partaked in very heavily. 160 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:45,040 And then out of high school, I was just a lost soul. 161 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,640 All I did was party and drink and hang out 162 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,100 with people that were similar to me. 163 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,040 I had no goals. 164 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,640 I had no direction. 165 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,980 And then all of a sudden my dad decided 166 00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:55,960 that he was gonna do a geographic 167 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,380 to the state of Washington. 168 00:06:57,380 --> 00:07:01,260 And he said later on, 'cause he got struck sober there, 169 00:07:01,260 --> 00:07:03,120 but he would say in his pitch, 170 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,400 no, I didn't know they had alcohol in Washington. 171 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:09,600 But so my younger sister and I moved up there with them, 172 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,740 being born and raised in California and going to Seattle. 173 00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:15,000 The weather is different. 174 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,080 Everything is different. 175 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,620 It's gorgeous and beautiful, but everything's different. 176 00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:23,200 So one more time, starting over and not knowing what to do. 177 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,440 So about a year after we were there, 178 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,320 my dad's drinking progressed. 179 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:31,680 He'd gotten a DWI or I don't know what they call it, 502. 180 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,520 I don't know what it's called now. 181 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,400 And one day he called me. 182 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,600 I didn't live at home. 183 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,480 And he asked me if I would come over 184 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,240 and bring him a six pack of beer. 185 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:43,680 I was 21 and my younger sister was there at that scene. 186 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,680 I know she said this part of her story too. 187 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,720 But anyway, so I went over there and he said, 188 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,320 I called two men and they're from Alcoholics Anonymous 189 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,520 and they're coming to the house. 190 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,980 And I just love that because that's how they did it then. 191 00:07:57,980 --> 00:08:00,200 You picked up the phone, you called central office, 192 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:04,320 they came to the house and he was sober 193 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,520 from that day until the day that he died. 194 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,200 And they like to say they're at the big meeting 195 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,000 in the sky now. 196 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:15,120 But those men came every day and took him to a meeting 197 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:18,360 until he was able to get a shift together. 198 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:22,040 And he loved AA, he loved Alcoholics Anonymous. 199 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,760 So in an interrupt way, he was my Eskimo 200 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,880 because they had this Sunday meeting 201 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,240 that the family could go to. 202 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,880 It was a Sunday morning meeting and the family could go 203 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,480 and they had a regular AA meeting. 204 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,080 We could kind of like a combo Al-Anon thing, 205 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,640 but we could just go and hang out. 206 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,960 And he was so excited about sobriety. 207 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:44,040 He was on fire, he was on fire about sobriety. 208 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:48,160 He found it and he wanted his family to see it. 209 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,320 And we were on fire for him and we would go to this meeting 210 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:54,680 and the love in those rooms and the fellowship 211 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,440 in those rooms, I'll never forget that. 212 00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:01,200 And so when it was my time, I knew what to do. 213 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,040 My drinking got worse after that. 214 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,040 And again, I was the blackout drinker. 215 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,840 You know, my first inventory after I got sober 216 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:14,480 was not a real inventory because I had so much shame 217 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:18,200 and self-hatred about all the things that I'd done drinking 218 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,640 that I knew that wasn't me. 219 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,840 I had to get that out right away. 220 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,480 And so with my first sponsor, 221 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,320 I said, please let me just write all this stuff down 222 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,360 because it's eating me alive 223 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:33,440 because it was not who I was raised to be. 224 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,640 It was not who I knew that was not the real me. 225 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,880 And if I had any chance of staying sober 226 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,400 and getting stained sober, 227 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:47,360 I needed to be released of that self-hatred and shame. 228 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:51,560 So anyways, I came back to California to visit friends 229 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:55,080 and then I met a guy and I ended up moving back here 230 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,720 and then my drinking really took off 231 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,480 because he worked in the motion picture industry 232 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,600 and he was gone a lot and I had no family here. 233 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,040 I had no friends. 234 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,920 And so my drinking really took off 235 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:10,240 into that home alone drinking and hiding the bottles 236 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,840 and not wanting him to see how much I drank. 237 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:17,440 And it was, you know, it was the worst part of my drinking. 238 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,640 And, you know, Scott was talking about, you know, 239 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,040 I didn't really know what was wrong with me. 240 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,000 I'm like, what is wrong with me? 241 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,120 And yet it's so obvious, I'm drinking every night, 242 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,880 I'm blacking out, that's what's wrong with me. 243 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,480 And my dad's in AA and by now my younger sister, 244 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,600 she had gotten sober. 245 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,080 And it's so weird to think that I'm not even thinking 246 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,400 that that's my problem. 247 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,480 You know, how could I not know that that alcohol 248 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,680 was what was doing that to me? 249 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,520 And I remember going to a doctor saying, 250 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,080 "Something is wrong with me, I must be depressed." 251 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,640 I mean, I really did not have a clue. 252 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,640 And when I say that out loud, it blows my mind 253 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:57,480 I didn't have a clue. 254 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,320 I was a falling down freaking drunk, you know, 255 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,520 and I couldn't stop. 256 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,400 You know, Scott talked about it too. 257 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,760 You know, once I took that first drink, 258 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,720 I had no control over how many drinks 259 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,680 I was gonna have after that. 260 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:13,640 You know, the allergy is so powerful 261 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:17,880 and then the obsession of the mind, I had no control. 262 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,320 And the book talks about, you know, 263 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:24,160 it sets up that craving that there's no stopping, 264 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,080 no matter how much I wanted to stop. 265 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,480 Once I took that drink, it was on 266 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,640 until I was falling down drunk in a blackout. 267 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,720 And every night I would go to bed 268 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,160 and I'd wake up in the morning 269 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,040 and I would be so hungover. 270 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:40,320 Physically, the hangovers were horrendous, 271 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,680 but emotionally they were a hundred times worse. 272 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,280 And I would wake up and I would just say, 273 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,240 "God, this is not who I'm supposed to be." 274 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,400 I knew in my soul that this is not what God intended for me. 275 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:56,840 This is not the child of God that I was meant to be. 276 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:00,120 And that was my call out to God. 277 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,480 And the next morning, and it wasn't even a bad drunk, 278 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,160 the next morning I woke up 279 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,400 and I knew that I had to call Alcoholics Anonymous. 280 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,200 And, you know, I didn't call my dad. 281 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:11,640 I didn't call my sister. 282 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,840 And I did one of those things, you know, 283 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,160 picked up the phone, hung it up, picked up the phone. 284 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,760 And that's torture, you know, 285 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:22,640 'cause the desire is so strong for me to finally get help 286 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,080 and realize that, yes, it is alcohol that's doing this. 287 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,000 Pick up, hang up. 288 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,000 And I'm like, "Please God, please God." 289 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,160 And finally I called Central Office in Van Nuys. 290 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,640 I said, "I need a meeting." 291 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,160 And they sent me to, it was a Monday night, 8.30. 292 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,680 Back then, most of the meetings started at 8.30 293 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:40,680 and it went till 10. 294 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:42,480 It's like nothing like that today. 295 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,600 We're so spoiled. 296 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,280 But so they sent me to Chandler Lodge. 297 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:49,280 I don't know if anybody, hey, shout out for Chandler Lodge. 298 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:50,600 Still there, incredible. 299 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:55,080 So I went there and I can't even tell you 300 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,040 what drove me there, but deep down inside, 301 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:01,640 there was a force that I had never felt before. 302 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,080 And now I know it's God, really, 303 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,880 that got me to that meeting. 304 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,560 Actually, I drove by it. 305 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,720 And back then it was, so I missed the lodge. 306 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,800 It's kind of a weird place, you know. 307 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,400 And so I drove by and I thought, "Oh my God, that was it." 308 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,280 And so I have to turn around on a one-way street, 309 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,400 but I didn't know it was a one-way street. 310 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,360 And now this bus is coming at me. 311 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,400 And I pulled off 'cause they still had dirt 312 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,200 on the other side, a dirt patch 313 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,760 before it all changed with Metro. 314 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,360 And I went, "Oh my God, oh my God." 315 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,040 And you know, I still went to that meeting. 316 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,520 Like that would have been the best time to say, "Oh." 317 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,120 You know, and so I parked and I walked in terrified 318 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,960 as we all are when we first walk in to our first meeting 319 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,960 of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was so terrified. 320 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:53,120 And two young people came up to me and welcomed me. 321 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,600 And I cannot, and I know you guys know this, 322 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,240 but for me, that is the power of Alcoholics Anonymous, 323 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,240 is to reach out your hand to the new person 324 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,400 that walks in the room, 325 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,400 because that's what got me to stay there 326 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,000 and that's what got me to come back. 327 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,480 And I will never, ever, ever forget that. 328 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,160 And they said to me, "I can't tell you what they said 329 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,800 in the meeting, I have no idea." 330 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,600 But they said, "Tomorrow night, we are going to meet you 331 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,880 at Bradford at 730, or 830. 332 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,160 It's their Tuesday night young people's meeting, 333 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,560 and we're gonna meet you there, 334 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,400 and we're gonna wait for you out front." 335 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,720 And that was the key because I didn't have to do it alone. 336 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:32,080 I had someone who's gonna meet me there and they were there. 337 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,440 And that was the beginning of my journey for 17 years. 338 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,640 I loved Alcoholics Anonymous. 339 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,240 I got a sponsor, I got commitments. 340 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:43,760 My first commitment at Bradford was washing ashtrays, 341 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,160 because you had ashtrays all over the seats, 342 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,040 and then coffee cups. 343 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,800 And the reason why I took the commitments, 344 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,160 other than my sponsor suggesting it, 345 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:59,160 was because it made me feel involved on the inside. 346 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:03,680 It helped me to feel involved and to feel a part of. 347 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:08,160 When I got sober in May of '81, in June, 348 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,440 it was my birthday, I was gonna be 24. 349 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,120 And I remember saying, 350 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,280 "How am I not gonna drink on my birthday?" 351 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:19,080 I was like freaked out about that, because party time. 352 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,840 And what they said to me back then, and I just love it, 353 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,880 they said, "At least you can drink on your birthday. 354 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,360 You just don't drink today." 355 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,000 And it was so powerful. 356 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,880 They said, "This is the one day at a time program." 357 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:35,320 But that really said it out loud to me. 358 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,240 It's just today I don't pick up. 359 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,040 Today, I don't pick up the drink, 360 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,760 and maybe it's just this hour I don't pick up. 361 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,560 But on your birthday, you can pick up. 362 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,320 And by the time my birthday came around, 363 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,640 I had my 30 days, and I did not wanna blow that 30 days, 364 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:49,600 so I didn't pick up. 365 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,320 But I did the same thing with July 4th. 366 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,120 How am I not gonna drink on my, you know. 367 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,840 Anyways, I loved AA. 368 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,760 I, you know, in the very beginning, my dad, 369 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,000 you know, I told my sister, my dad, he would call me 370 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:02,840 every morning. 371 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,280 We'd just talk about Alcoholics Anonymous. 372 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,440 And, you know, I started reading the book 373 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,640 as they tell you to. 374 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,480 I have to say, I didn't understand any of the books, 375 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,000 so I decided to read the stories in the back. 376 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,080 They were, A, more entertaining. 377 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:17,400 And I could relate to them. 378 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,080 I could relate to the stories in the back. 379 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,120 I really did not relate to much in the front of the book. 380 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,600 And even though my drinking career was fairly short, 381 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,240 you know, I was the blackout drinker, and it was ugly, 382 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:32,400 and it was horrible, and I did many things 383 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,880 that I never would have done sober. 384 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:39,440 So now I'm in AA, and just to jump forward, 385 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,880 I'm loving AA. 386 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,760 I never thought my wildest dreams I would relapse, you know? 387 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:45,600 Never. 388 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,800 I'm in, I'm in this for good. 389 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,760 I go home to Seattle, I go to meetings with my dad, 390 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,780 I go to meetings with my sister. 391 00:16:52,780 --> 00:16:55,080 So what happened? 392 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,080 'Cause this is important. 393 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,720 A couple of things happened. 394 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,760 I got married. 395 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,440 My husband and I adopted a daughter at birth. 396 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,760 I found out when I was five years sober 397 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,280 that I was never gonna be able to have children, 398 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,720 and truly damaged them because of my drinking. 399 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,760 I wanted to drink at five years sober when I found that out. 400 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,840 It was the first most devastating thing that I ever felt, 401 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,640 and I didn't. 402 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:25,600 And real quick, somebody told me about a book, 403 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,880 Why Bad Things Happen to Good People. 404 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,440 It was written by a rabbi, 405 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,800 and it was monumental in shifting my thinking 406 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,880 because I thought, I'm five years sober, life is good, 407 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,720 I'm good, I'm a member of alcohol. 408 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,400 Why is this now happening? 409 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,760 Because bad things happen to good people. 410 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,120 And it's what you do with that. 411 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,400 What am I gonna do with bad things happening in life? 412 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,120 'Cause they're gonna continue to happen, 413 00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,160 so I better get a friggin' plan 414 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,320 on how I'm gonna deal with shit that happens to me. 415 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,680 And it's not that God did it, 416 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,640 'cause I thought he did for she. 417 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,560 I thought, God did this to me, 418 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,560 punishing me for being such a bad person. 419 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,280 It's what I'm gonna do with it, 420 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,800 and what the lesson for me was. 421 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,640 And it's not that God's testing me. 422 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,200 Actually, to be honest, it has nothing to do with God. 423 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,160 It's like something shitty happened, 424 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:19,680 and I have a choice to turn it around and to learn from it, 425 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,760 and to have it be a gift of growth. 426 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,720 And so that's what I've been able to do 427 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,840 with many circumstances in my life, 428 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,400 but that was the biggest one. 429 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,440 Anyway, so we're married, and we have Kit, a daughter, 430 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:34,480 and I'm in the PTA, and I'm a Girl Scout leader, 431 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:39,480 and I have lots of surgeries, female-related surgeries. 432 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:43,240 I lived with chronic pain for 10 years. 433 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,920 I was really careful with the pain pills 'til I wasn't. 434 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,640 I mean, that's the truth of it. 435 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,280 I need to go into details. 436 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,840 But one day, I took one too many. 437 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,040 I would stop after the surgeries. 438 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:59,320 Anyways, and the monster woke up. 439 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,360 It makes me think of that jack-in-the-box. 440 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,880 I could not get the monster back down. 441 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,800 Once it wakes up, it's awake, and I'm powerless over. 442 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,640 And I was out six years, out, out. 443 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,520 Like, no meetings, nothing, I'm out. 444 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:16,000 And the power of this disease, 445 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,920 I didn't pick up a drink that whole time, 446 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:22,160 so technically, I haven't had alcohol in 43 years. 447 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,020 But my mind was saying, "Well, you didn't drink. 448 00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:25,340 "You're okay, so what? 449 00:19:25,340 --> 00:19:26,560 "You took too many pills." 450 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,480 Well, now there are too many pills. 451 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,040 I could get, what is that phrase? 452 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,720 I'm gonna say it wrong, so I'm just forewarning you. 453 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,760 Blood from a turnip, is that how it goes? 454 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,000 Pills from a doctor. 455 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,600 I could get any doctor to write me a script. 456 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,720 I don't think it's blood from a turnip, is it? 457 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,760 Nobody's agreeing with me because I have it all screwed up. 458 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:45,960 Okay, thank you. 459 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,480 Well, I could get pills from any doctor back in that day. 460 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,640 Like, it doesn't happen nowadays, but then I couldn't. 461 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,440 And now I'm buying them in the alley. 462 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,560 One time with my daughter in the car, 463 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,040 and I'm the Girl Scout leader, 464 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,120 and I'm the PTA mom, and I'm all of it. 465 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:05,040 It got pretty bad, and one more time, 466 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,440 through the grace of God, 'cause one more time, 467 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,140 I would wake up in the morning hating myself so much, 468 00:20:10,140 --> 00:20:14,240 and knowing that this is what God wanted me to be doing, 469 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:15,780 and this isn't who I am. 470 00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:16,960 What the hell happened? 471 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,960 And so, many things happen, 472 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,220 aside from picking up the first pill, 473 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,800 because they say, "What is the number one offender?" 474 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,640 Picking up the first drink resentment 475 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,640 will take you out faster than anything. 476 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,280 So when I did come back, and I really had to look at, 477 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,920 this isn't about just picking up that first pill. 478 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,640 This is about what was building the whole time. 479 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:40,280 I was going to less meetings because I didn't have any help 480 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,040 with taking care of my daughter. 481 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:42,880 It was hard. 482 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,560 I took her to meetings for a long time, 483 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,760 but then it got really hard. 484 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,300 I was resentful at a couple of things, 485 00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:53,960 and I blamed you for those things. 486 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:58,960 And anyway, so I looked up online now, where's the meeting? 487 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,200 So this is six years. 488 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,260 I'm terrified to walk back in. 489 00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:06,840 And I walked back in to a Tuesday night women's meeting 490 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,320 that I had gone to for years before. 491 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,280 And to shout out for women's meetings, 492 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,120 and I'm sure men feel the same way 493 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:15,360 about their men's meetings, 494 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:19,160 but thank God that we have those meetings. 495 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,200 They're the most important meetings to me 496 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,200 because those women saved my life, 497 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,580 and I'm so grateful for it. 498 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:29,480 So I walked back in to a women's meeting, 499 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,240 and once again, welcome with open arms. 500 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,420 That saved my life, and I was done, 501 00:21:34,420 --> 00:21:37,880 and I was back in, and now I have 21 years. 502 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,780 But it was hard, 'cause I think when you come back 503 00:21:40,780 --> 00:21:45,320 after a relapse, for me, so much shame, so much shame. 504 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,520 I had a hard time. 505 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,680 Not just the shame, the frickin' ego is, 506 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,320 and I've heard people say, I know if I relapse, 507 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,120 I'm never gonna come back and raise my hand. 508 00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,640 Well, I know what that felt like. 509 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,000 I didn't wanna raise my hand. 510 00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,820 I wasn't gonna tell you. 511 00:21:59,820 --> 00:22:03,660 The ego, for me, was the most powerful thing. 512 00:22:03,660 --> 00:22:06,900 And even though I surrendered, and I was back in, 513 00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:08,320 and I wanted to be there, 514 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,080 the ego was always right out in front of me 515 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,400 when I went to a meeting. 516 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,840 I'd see people I hadn't seen for a long time, 517 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:18,480 and right away, the shame and the humility, 518 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:20,640 I would just be overwhelmed with it. 519 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,000 So I would go to meetings, and I'd come home, 520 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,740 and I would just bawl my eyes out, 521 00:22:24,740 --> 00:22:27,640 grateful that I was able to surrender again, 522 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:31,720 hopeful that still so much self-disgust, really. 523 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:36,440 And I picked up a book that I'd gotten in '81 or '82, 524 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,120 a new pair of glasses. 525 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:40,760 I felt like I needed some fresh eyes here, 526 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:44,400 'cause this was new territory coming back after a relapse, 527 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,280 and that book saved my life. 528 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,600 Chuck C. is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, 529 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,920 if you don't know who the book is, 530 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,120 and he wrote this book, "A New Pair of Glasses." 531 00:22:55,120 --> 00:23:00,120 And the main thing he talks about is God and ego and self. 532 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,160 And anyways, you'll have to read it 533 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,600 to find out more about it. 534 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,400 But it saved my life. 535 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,600 It really saved my life. 536 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:11,740 And the other thing, I went to a three-day workshop 537 00:23:11,740 --> 00:23:16,440 of Joe and Charlie, the big book comes alive. 538 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,600 Another thing that saved my life, 539 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,960 it was three days of starting from the beginning 540 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,200 of the book with these two incredible men. 541 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:28,600 And one of the things they talked about, 542 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,640 each step we went through, the first step is surrender, 543 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:35,780 and the second step is sanity and insanity. 544 00:23:35,780 --> 00:23:38,640 And this time, I had no problem 545 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,820 seeing the insanity of my disease. 546 00:23:41,820 --> 00:23:44,520 And, but when I first got sober, 547 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,360 the first time around, I didn't say, 548 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:49,600 I had a hard time saying I was an alcoholic 549 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,320 because I felt I was so young 550 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:53,760 and my drinking career was kind of short. 551 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,240 And it was my dad that said to me, 552 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,560 "You don't have to say you're an alcoholic 553 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,880 to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 554 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,560 You only have to have a desire to stop drinking." 555 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,040 And that saved my life 556 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,740 because I had a hard time saying that for a while, 557 00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:10,320 but I did have a desire to stop drinking. 558 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:15,320 Anyway, so step three, Joe and Charlie talked about, 559 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,800 made a decision to turn our will and our lives 560 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:18,920 over to the care of God. 561 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,840 And I had a hard time with will and lives. 562 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,000 Like that was just too out there for me. 563 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,880 I have no idea what my will is or God's will. 564 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,040 And so they changed it, 565 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,600 made a decision to turn my thinking. 566 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,200 Well, that I could identify with 'cause it was F'd up. 567 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:38,280 And to turn my thinking and my life. 568 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:39,880 And that made sense to me 569 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:44,120 because my thinking is what got my life into trouble. 570 00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:47,520 So if I can learn to work on what's going on in here 571 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,320 and turn that thinking before I take any action, 572 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,100 so that really made sense to me. 573 00:24:53,100 --> 00:24:54,720 And then the fourth step, 574 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:58,960 it really is a coming to Jesus step for me. 575 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,160 It's all about honesty. 576 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,200 And the fifth step, sharing it with. 577 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,840 So I got a new sponsor when I came back in 578 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:09,640 and you know, but both sponsors sharing that fifth step 579 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,600 was humbling, very humbling. 580 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:16,160 And the gift of listening to someone give their fifth step 581 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,240 is saying, yeah, me too, me too. 582 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,440 So you don't feel alone. 583 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,200 And then the seventh, sixth and seventh, 584 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,240 I really had no idea, had so many character defects, 585 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,040 but apparently I did. 586 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,640 And one that came out was a victim. 587 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:33,240 I had no idea that I played that role. 588 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,760 And that was an awakening. 589 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,040 And it was the gift, you know, 590 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,480 I believe all my character defects are awarenesses 591 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,000 and they turn into gifts 592 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,320 because then I have an opportunity to work on them. 593 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,600 And then step eight night, making them ends, 594 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,200 which were the hardest in my second sobriety 595 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,220 because I let my family down. 596 00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:55,200 My parents didn't let them down. 597 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,680 Armed my family. 598 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,080 I armed my parents. 599 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,680 My dad was, I think, had he passed yet? 600 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,720 Yeah, he'd already passed. 601 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,400 But anyways, that was, again, 602 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,800 very humbling and freeing at the same time. 603 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,960 And then step 10, you know, 604 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,880 I get to look at my shit every day. 605 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,240 That's what that comes down to. 606 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,200 Step 11 is my favorite step 607 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,400 because I believe for me it encompasses all the steps 608 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:24,280 because I want to walk a spiritual life. 609 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:25,880 And in order to do that, 610 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,120 I have to look at my shit every day. 611 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:30,080 Otherwise I'm not free. 612 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,600 And I like to share what my practice is. 613 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,200 I think that's important because I learned from you 614 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:37,880 and everything that I do is nothing new. 615 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:41,580 But I started this in my second sobriety. 616 00:26:41,580 --> 00:26:43,400 I get down my knees in the morning. 617 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,140 It's not a religious thing. 618 00:26:45,140 --> 00:26:48,440 It's a surrender and it's a humbling act for me. 619 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,080 And all I say is thank you, thank you, thank you. 620 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,400 And when I go to bed at night, 621 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:54,480 I did the same things. 622 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,640 I get on my knees, I surrender, I humble myself. 623 00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,120 Thank you, thank you. 624 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:02,340 So many of the times my prayers are thank you, help. 625 00:27:02,340 --> 00:27:03,560 It depends on what's going on. 626 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,020 It's either thank you, thank you, help. 627 00:27:06,020 --> 00:27:08,640 And then I do have a meditation practice. 628 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:10,240 And I believe, you know, 629 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:12,300 Scott talked about a lot of things in the book. 630 00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:15,060 And then one of the things that's always stuck out for me 631 00:27:15,060 --> 00:27:17,320 is that we are self-disciplined people. 632 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,960 And one of the best gifts of Alcoholics Anonymous, 633 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,160 aside from sobriety and surrender, 634 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:26,440 is learning how to be a self-disciplined person 635 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:27,960 and what a gift that is. 636 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,660 All the gifts that come with learning to have a routine 637 00:27:31,660 --> 00:27:36,520 that's meaningful and make a commitment to that routine 638 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,180 is such an incredible gift. 639 00:27:38,180 --> 00:27:41,360 So I have a meditation practice and I light a candle. 640 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,880 I make it ceremonious because it makes it special to me 641 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,400 and not just routine. 642 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,940 I ring a bell and I get into my position 643 00:27:48,940 --> 00:27:51,080 and I have a meditation. 644 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:52,880 And then I read some stuff out of the book 645 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,560 and I end my meditation with thank you, thank you, 646 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,560 thank you from the bottom of my heart for my sobriety. 647 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,320 And then I say the third step prayer. 648 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,440 And then because of my spiritual practice, 649 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:07,920 I wish things for other people that are struggling. 650 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,360 And so I have a group, little group of people 651 00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:13,140 that I wish for certain things for them. 652 00:28:13,140 --> 00:28:15,920 And then I end it and I get on with my day. 653 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:20,180 And I try to remember when the thinking starts, 654 00:28:20,180 --> 00:28:23,600 I do a lot of breath work because it stops the thought. 655 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,600 If I can deep breath in and out, 656 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:29,680 it gives me an opportunity to stop the thought. 657 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:32,260 You know, the Buddhists call it the monkey mind. 658 00:28:32,260 --> 00:28:36,520 So for me, I believe that this is the human condition, 659 00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:39,140 that all people suffer from the monkey mind 660 00:28:39,140 --> 00:28:41,680 and it's just random thoughts going crazy. 661 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,480 And that really made sense to me 662 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:46,240 'cause I pictured monkeys, you know, 663 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:49,320 in the jungle screeching from, yeah, that's my mind. 664 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:51,900 (all laughing) 665 00:28:51,900 --> 00:28:58,160 And I just have to take a breath, invite God in, 666 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:01,080 let go, let God is a good one 667 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:04,900 so that I have another day to try to be a service, 668 00:29:04,900 --> 00:29:09,200 to try to be a better human being, a better AA member, 669 00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:12,360 and to have a commitment at a meeting 670 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:14,920 and to participate in my own sobriety. 671 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:15,960 Thank you so much.