- Hi, my name's Craig and I'm an alcoholic.
First off, I'd like to thank Karen for inviting me out
to your wonderful meeting here.
Quality of life, quality of life.
Even in harmony.
Welcome to all the Zoom people to see you out there.
Do the meetings any way we can, right?
Welcome to all the newcomers
and all the returning warriors who went out there.
Again, I find some of those themselves.
I just want to try real quick.
First of all, the day is 11/10/1996.
My first arriving date was February 1st, 1992.
And my sponsor is Randy Melton.
My homie was opposite of San Angeles.
I grew up in a beautiful San Fernando Valley.
And, you know, I come from Irish and Scottish,
which means nothing to being an alcoholic.
As you know, it comes with me.
But my family tree is, it's all over the place.
My grandmother, my grandmother, blah, blah, blah, my dad.
It's just alcoholism brings through my family.
But I have five sisters and I'm the only boy.
And none of my sisters have one.
I'm just the last one.
And, you know, because of divorce and, you know,
this, that, and the other.
You know, I grew up in 15 different places.
My catan was 18 when I went to the Navy.
So when I smell fresh paint, it reminds me of that.
I went to three elementary schools,
two junior highs, three high schools,
and just, just awesomely moving.
And, you know, I was being the new kid, you know,
there was always fighting and bullying.
You talked about the stuttering.
It was, I was, you know, short and thin.
And it was, it seemed to be fighting.
And, you know, and then going home and dealing with that.
It was fighting and drinking.
And my first drunk, first drunk, not my first drink,
my first drunk was 1972.
I was about nine years old.
And my government lost to Nixon in the presidential race.
And because we were poor and in welfare,
Nixon being a Republican was going to cut all the welfare
and we were going to be, you know, restarted.
So the family decided to celebrate
and everyone got drinking, including me.
And it was, I don't know if that started it,
but that's the way it is.
And, you know, I moved, moving around and stuff.
I met with my boys, you know, love, love sports,
love play sports, love baseball, everything about it.
And, you know, when, when, when it was going on, you know,
that's what, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to be a baseball player.
That's my thing.
And I would practice, throw the ball.
No one would throw without throwing the ball.
It was going to be my goal.
And, you know, I was getting cut out at doing this the other.
And, you know, I forget one day there was,
I was hanging out with the other guys,
what those baseball players, but with the other guys
and you know, Hey, right.
You know, you're new to this school once you try this.
And so I'm smoking weed and I drink it.
And that's, you know, it kind of shuts off the noise
of the yelling and say like this, you know,
I've gone and just kind of cruise right along.
And, you know, the next thing you know,
a couple of things happen and me and my dad get into it.
And, you know, I'm no longer going to high school.
Now, so my good grades, the baseball, the best country,
the track went away and went to hanging out with my guys.
We're hanging with the cards, you know,
cruising around on this boat.
And, you know, fixing up the pub, fixing up the shovel,
you know, just great times.
And it was my job to go steal the alcohol
from the liquor store.
And I would go steal this stuff.
I can't believe it was bad, but the kimchaka vodka.
I'd go over the back and I'd take it and grab two bottles.
Right, but that wasn't enough.
One was for me and everyone else gets one, you know.
And so I would buy the orange juice, right.
And then I'd accidentally spill all the orange juice.
The only thing left was one vodka.
Guys, you want to hit in the vodka, you know,
they would drink it.
I would slam that vodka, I love it.
That was my trick.
And, you know, because of drinking and staying up late
and, you know, next thing you know,
I got cut from the baseball team.
I got cut from that team.
And I don't need that anymore.
You know, I'm cruising, chasing girls, I'm surfing.
I got all the same with things going on.
And my grades just plummeted.
And, you know, I think I'm not positive,
but I'd have to go to school or I had to work
at the Holiday Inn Saturday and get extra credit
to get the pass, the graduate high school.
And once I graduated high school, I went right to the Navy.
You know, there was a chance for me
to join this great gang called C-14.
You know, they were just ruthless back there in the valley.
You know, I'm a white guy.
They didn't really want me there.
But, you know, I was able to steal this, that, and the other.
I'm like, you know, I'm going to go to jail.
I got to get out.
So I drove in the Navy and off I went.
I mean, I got hammered in Singapore.
I took acid in my spade off, almost got lost there.
I drank Sandoval beer in the Philippines.
I mean, I loved being in the Navy.
I loved drinking.
You know, my job was to have bombs and missiles.
So, you know, drink beer and load bombs was a blow up.
And I loved everything I did, you know,
chasing all the girls around.
And, you know, I started getting a little trouble
here and there with the UA, and they'd write me up
and they'd put me on restriction.
Put me on nights, put me on nights.
If I'm working nights, you know, I won't get in trouble.
You know, when they work nights, they wouldn't do it.
And maybe during the days at night,
I would go and hit the bar and I'd love to be in the bar.
You know, when I got out of the Navy for four years,
I was kind of lost.
I was up in the Bay Area and I didn't really love it there.
And he hooked me up with this great job with his company,
but it just wasn't enough for me.
I mean, I can't sit at a workbench
soldering electrical office.
You know, my head is gone.
I got to go do things.
I got, I got to see people.
I got to, you know, I left that job to become a cab driver.
And so here I'm doing the night shift on the cab,
dropping acid, smoking weed, drinking.
Well, I'm driving and, you know, not realizing, you know,
that I'm not normal than my fellows.
You know, I see, you know, I think about the waiters,
the waiters, the waitresses and the waiters at the,
you know, at the Lions.
And, you know, they didn't drink like I did.
They knew how to stop.
And I'm like, we're just getting going.
I'm just shifting gears.
But every once in a while, I couldn't get out of,
you know, I couldn't get out of third gear.
And I'm just, you know, just going to try
and drink a little bit of water tonight.
I'm not going to have that other wine.
What kind of fun is that?
But I go on and I eventually left that bar,
that cab drive, cab job.
And I got a job in a nightclub.
I became a lawyer and started off in a farm.
I went to the farm, and working there was so much fun.
If you're an alcohol, and you're working in a bar,
I mean, it is everything, let me tell you.
And we did everything.
We would take the bar, throw it in the air, catch it.
I was in bartending competitions.
That movie "Cocktail" came out.
We were already doing all those tricks.
I mean, just having a blast.
We'd have a dog drink night.
I mean, every night was a one big party.
And, you know, I couldn't stay in a successful relationship,
you know, being in the wine restaurant.
But one day, one day she walked in, sparks that in.
But I remember deep down thinking,
you know what, I'm a loser.
This girl, there's no way that I can do this to her.
You know, I gotta keep her distance.
All the other girls I didn't really care about,
you know, they didn't care about me.
But this one, I'm like, you know what,
I can't take her down my route.
And she's like, no, Greg, Greg, I love you.
You know, you don't understand.
No, you don't understand.
Yeah, you don't love me, you don't know.
I didn't know who I was.
And, you know, she kept coming.
And so, you know, eventually we got married.
And, you know, remember, you know, we're at the altar,
and the priest and everything, and I'm trying.
I'm putting the ring on her finger.
I'm trying to get that ring on.
So I get this ring on.
I'll be able to do this without getting drank every night.
That's my issue.
If I make this paper into the basket over there,
like everything's gonna be okay, then I would think.
And, you know, working in the bar and next thing you know,
I wake up and, you know, come on around thinking.
I fall out of bed basically, you know,
'cause I can't go and get a new master.
And next thing I'm gonna pee in the dresser.
And you gotta go to AA, just like your dad.
That's where my first granddaddy came.
But she's like, I don't want to be with you
when you go do this.
My grandfather was an alcoholic or anyone.
I don't want to, what, hang out.
So I'm gonna go stay with some friends and you go get me.
So you go get it together.
And mine's, you know, what?
I'm gonna go to AA, why you, you know, do this.
So I'm going to AA, and I'm, you know,
I have to get something, okay.
These guys can say, I can do it.
And you know, 'cause being in the bar,
we would, you know, sink in a mile, you know,
we're drinking tequila, you know.
Thanksgiving, we're drinking turkey one-on-one, you know.
December 7th, we're drinking Kamikazes.
I mean, I was all in drinking.
I loved everything that I wanted to get, everything.
Call on bulldogs, all the drugs, you know, shots,
all that stuff.
And she went away and I'm starting to go to the meetings
and I'm starting to catch something.
I did the steps real quick, right on the wall,
you know, right there.
Okay, I'm good, good to go.
So then we get 30 days, I call up.
I'm like, "Hey, Miles, you got 30 days.
Can you believe it?
I'm 30 days sober.
Can you believe me getting 30 days sober?"
She's like, "Greg, you gotta get sober for you, not for us."
I hang up the phone, and I went out,
double the corny cokes, my buddy Ray, "Let's go, Greg."
I'm like, "It's not working today, I can't get drunk.
What is going on?"
And that went on after that, see, that was '92.
After that, you know, a whole new way.
I can't tell you what happened in my life in '92 until '95.
It's just one bit, you know, every once in a while,
I hope like a peel off the onion would come.
And I remember what happened that year, and I don't.
The Yankees won, the Yankees won,
the Yankees just couldn't get it.
And my grandmother, you know,
I started to come out, got it bartended.
This one place, I make bagels at this other place.
It was like, you know, it's basically,
and then I was up in the Bay Area,
and my grandmother had a stroke.
I'm like, "You know what?
I'm gonna move down to Los Angeles,
and help out the family, and be with my grandmother."
You know, I come down here, and, you know,
trying to play nurse with no, you know, experience,
just, you know, love, and help.
I'm not the best I could, and I'm drinking.
And, you know, my life just seemed like, wow,
I was running one of the hottest nightclubs
in the Bay Area now.
I'm sleeping on my grandmother's couch,
and her cat hates me, and I'm changing diapers.
What happened to my life?
You know, I went to the forest,
and I'm a big loser, that's what I've become.
And I'm like, "You know what?
If I can just get another bartending job,"
'cause I got fired from those other jobs.
You know, I became a car salesman,
trying to get this, and, you know,
working at a gym membership.
I mean, I went for one job after another,
and I just couldn't find it.
And, but I would go to this one bar in Glendale
called the Blue Movement, and, you know,
I put everything on my credit card,
max everything out, not caring.
And one day, I'm driving,
and two favorite cars show up, red and blue.
I think those lights, I'm like, "Oh, my God."
Usually, when I jump into my car,
I'd pull down the windows, I wouldn't smoke any cigarettes,
and I'd put sunflower seeds in my mouth.
So when I talked to the cop, he would smell the alcohol,
and he couldn't tell if I was swimming
because I'm spitting out seeds, right?
It programmed off, and I forgot to roll down the windows.
I forgot the seeds, and I'm smoking a cigarette,
and I'm like, "Yeah, there's, yeah, this one."
And so, he pulls me up, and he goes,
"What do you have to drink?"
I'm like, "You got me."
He goes, "What?"
I'm like, "Yeah."
And he's like, "What are you talking about?
"What do you have to drink?"
I'm like, "Oh, I have Kamikaze.
"He's two little giraffes and a shot of yogurt."
He's like, "Well, get out of the car."
I was like, "Okay, you gotta do the test."
I'm like, "You know, you got me.
"Let's just go.
"Take me in."
He says, "Make me do the test."
I go into the, I go to the jail at a time, 'cause at this
time, I'm selling next day on phones, right?
I'm gonna be a salesman for a second, and I'm trying
to hang myself on the handle inside the cell.
I made it too long, and I kept on landing on my ass.
It didn't work, and, you know, now, no.
I just hope, I'm gonna take my license, my registration.
All of that is gone.
You know, what can I do?
I go to the court, and the judge is looking at me.
I got five people over there.
You know, "Hey, Bill, you know, you're gonna take
"alcohol class and, you know, a week of AA.
"Nicole, you're gonna take alcohol class and two weeks
"of AA.
"Mr. Stewart, you're gonna have alcohol class and 87 days
"of AA."
I'm like, "87 days?
"Why 87?
"How could Mr. Stewart, you're gonna have 100 days
"of AA," and I'm like, "Whatever, whatever."
You know, my life is over.
I can't, no.
Moving down to LA, so I'm like, "What is?"
And he goes, "Not only, you can't go into an establishment
"unless they serve 60% food more than they do alcohol."
What is that?
I can't go to the blue room anymore?
What, do peanuts and boiled eggs count?
No, no, none of that.
And so now I can't go to the blue room.
And I'm thinking AA people, and follow the area.
Just see if I'm going to the bar or what.
And you know, life is over.
Now I can't drink, I can't do this.
And I start going to these alcohol classes, right?
And I'm in the alcohol class, and we're all there.
We're the same, you know, that, that, that.
And the beautiful counselor Bernadette is telling me,
"Hey Greg, I have this 20 questions for you to fill out.
"Come on, let's do this bullshit."
Excuse my French.
So I'm, you know, no, no, no, no.
You know, the 20 questions.
At the end I turn them in, and I'm just sitting there.
She goes, "Oh, look, look at this, wow.
"Congratulations, you got an all nose.
"That's so great, so happy for you.
"Greg, is this like some high school test
"that you're cheating at again?
"You know, you were never truthful in high school, right?
"You're always lying and cheating."
She caught me on this too.
And it was like, it was like a big rock landed on.
Like everything was over.
I can't even BS this counselor with the 20 questions.
And I'm like, "You know what?
"That's right, I'm one big loser.
"I have nothing going on.
"All my, I'm in complete debt.
"Everything is done."
And I'm like, "You know, let's just, let's go, hey, hey.
"Let's just do this."
And so started going to, started going to Radford.
And at Radford, it was a candlelight meeting
that I loved going to.
It was from 10 o'clock at night till like 12.
And at that meeting, it kept me from going to the bar.
I loved bar life.
Loved all of it.
And I'm like, "This will keep me from doing that."
And so, you know, my buddy Thomas Murphy
and his brother, Mike Murphy.
And, you know, he, yeah, you tell me how to wash cups
and ashtrays and take out the trash.
I'm like, "Hey, Thomas, you know, I was in the Navy.
"I know how to do all of that.
"I know that life, you know.
"Don't teach me how to wash cups.
"I was washing for 5,000 men."
You go, "Greg, Greg, Greg, slow down.
"You gotta learn to listen in this place
"if you wanna make it."
I'm like, "Okay, you got something small.
"Put the soap in the way you want it,
"even though it's wrong up there."
So, you know, that started my, you know,
getting commitment today.
You know, like I said, my sobriety date is 11/10.
I wanted to go, "Oh, it'd be cool to have a sobriety date."
11/11, which is Veterans Day.
And I'm like, "Greg, don't mess any of this stuff up.
"Just take what God has given you."
And, you know, when we started going around the rooms
and sharing and being as one,
working with each other afterwards,
we would go to the sit-ins and sit around
and talk and talk.
It was just, it was a great new life that I had.
I had no money, you know?
I, you know, I spent, I tapped out.
I have no insurance on my car.
My license is taken away.
You name it.
I'm driving my Honda CRX with three spark plugs
and, you know, doing this.
That's why I'm like, "I don't care."
You know, "I don't care about life.
"You guys took everything from me
"and now you gotta go to these AA meetings,
"but I'm gonna drop my car on Karen.
"I don't care if you take it away.
"I really, I get pulled over on Karen.
"I have no tax on this."
And, you know, going to the, going to the meetings,
slowly, slowly, you know, listening to all you guys,
you know, tell me what I'm gonna do to fix my life.
And, you know, I see that God thing up there on the wall,
and I'm like, "Really?
"God?
"I'm gonna do that kind of thing now?"
It's kind of like a cold-type church thing.
And, you know, I, all those times of getting super calm,
you know, when you're laying on that bathroom tile
in the bathroom and you're shaking
and you're praying, going, "God, I'll never drink again.
"I promise I got this.
"I won't."
And then do it again.
What happened to that promise you made to God?
I'm like, "You guys don't understand.
"I can't pray to your God
"because I broke all of His promises.
"I broke all of His commandments.
"I, you know, I cheated on her.
"You know, I stole from Him.
"I lied to my mom and dad.
"You are not coming into my life, you know?
"I'm not across your bridge, there's no way."
And in my first response, she says,
"You know, just slow down with your anxiety there."
I'm like, "No, just believe in it now.
"Just take the cup of coffee and sit down and drink it
"and be okay with it and walk through the steps."
And, you know, being 34, divorced and drink,
I had no time and effort to get in relationship
with any of the ladies.
And thank God for that because all my other buddies,
you know, they're dating.
Look, I can't, I can't.
I gotta actually get sober, man.
I gotta get my wife together.
This is insane what you guys are doing.
I mean, that's great.
I wanna do that too.
Trust me, it's been a year and a half.
I'm going crazy, but I can't.
I need this sober life.
And, you know, I didn't get along too well
with that sponsor wanting to do stuff
and I didn't wanna do it.
And then, so I'm like, "You know what?
"I gotta go and find another me."
And so, you know, I went over to the hill
to this place called the Marina Center.
The Marina Center was great.
It taught me how to meditate.
I never knew how to meditate.
I couldn't sit still.
And so I started learning to meditate in there
and, you know, trying to find that thing in AA
that would take that crank off my head,
that would, you know, I had anger issues.
I still have anger issues that I gotta suppress every day.
You know, my wire's a little short in my head, I guess.
And, you know, I wanted to find at the Marina Center
that peace of mind, that people, they were happy.
You know, they were happy.
Then from Marina Center, I went to the Roxbury Men's Stag.
You know, "Oh, go to a men's stag.
"They're gonna teach me how to be a man."
You know, 'cause I'm a jerk.
I don't know how to treat other people.
I don't know how to, you know, be nice.
And then, you know, my buddy Dino told me,
he goes, "Why don't you go over to this Pacific group place
"on Saturday, the yard?"
I'm like, "The yard?
"Okay, yeah, whatever."
They got softball there.
I'm like, "Softball?
"Play some softball?
"Go play some softball."
So I go over to the yard.
You know, I'm, you know, playing some softball.
And the coach says to me, "Hey, you know, we got a team.
"You wanna play on the team?"
And these teams would go from San Diego
to Santa Barbara to Pismo Beach playing all this softball.
I'm like, "Yeah, I wanna be a part of that."
He goes, "Well, you gotta come to Wednesday night."
I'm like, "I can't do Wednesday night, man."
I go to the Roxbury Men's Stag.
I go Wednesday night.
That's my meeting.
Those are my guys.
And he's like, "You gotta come Wednesday night."
And I go there Wednesday.
Let me tell you, I found some people all dressed up.
I'm like, "But you gotta be kidding me, what is this?
"What kind of cold is this?"
And I hated that meeting, but I knew deep down
that if you hate something,
you gotta find out why you hate this.
And so I'm praying, going to the meeting,
and the last time I would leave, go to the next Wednesday,
and the last time I leave, I'm getting softballed.
And, you know, was able to, you know,
get it together a little bit.
You know, it took me, you know, in sobriety.
There's a lot of jokes that I went through.
I became a liquor salesman.
Can you believe it?
That I had to leave.
You know, there was, you know, another car sales job,
a waiter job, a bar tending job, all the other.
Before there was Uber, there was another cab driver job.
And, you know, it was just insane
how I couldn't get it together.
And, you know, my sponsor says,
"You know, keep trying, keep trying,
"and something will come about."
And, you know, I was able to meet up with a friend
through softball, and I got a job, you know,
working in the entertainment business shop,
fixing this equipment, fixing electrical stuff,
and doing that.
And eventually he helped me, you know,
study and get a Class A driver's license.
You know, that was only through drag.
And working with you guys, you know,
I couldn't believe that I got there.
That's one of the happiest days of my life,
that I was able to get that Class A license.
And, you know, in the meantime,
I was able to, you know, meet a new immigrant.
And, you know, in my head, you know,
you got two people on the same side of the teeter-totter,
things that aren't gonna work.
I mean, it's, you don't see it from me,
I'm just too crazy, and, you know,
I need to balance, and, you know,
with her I was, you know, she, we were so cool.
One day we had like 75 cents,
I was able to get a cup of coffee,
and we sat on the beach, watching the sunset,
and that was it, it was wonderful.
But through hard-working discipline,
and I was able to get these different jobs,
and da-da-da-da-da-da, and, you know,
I ended up marrying that beautiful woman.
We have three great kids today, and back in,
a month ago, I was able to buy a house on Lancaster.
And let me tell you, there is no way, no how,
I'm getting any of those promises without you guys in AA,
you know, without me able to, you know,
pray and listen to God, and, you know, believe in Him,
even though I don't want to.
Through hard-working and discipline,
I was able to, you know,
clear all the wreckage of my past with my credit.
And, you know, the biggest thing with me was really,
really digging into the big book,
and reading and understanding,
and realizing that the man that was talking to me,
that I was going to believe, and it was going to come true,
even though my head was saying, you know,
that there's no way I'm going to get registration
on the car, there's just, it ain't going to happen to me.
You don't know who I am, and, you know,
they walked me through it, they walked me through it,
just keep coming back, just keep,
and I have been coming back, you know.
When I had one year of sobriety, I went to that judge,
and I told the judge who gave me the 100 days of AAI,
I thank him, I'm like, thank you for sending me the AAI.
Then when I had five years, I went to him,
and I thanked him again.
When I had 10 years, I went back, and he was gone,
and, you know, I made it, you know.
I enjoyed drinking way too much,
and the men and women in this program,
you know, when I was gone and back from registration,
and no insurance, and all that stuff,
there was a guy by the name of Jimmy Sterman,
Jimmy Sterman, but he was a little off,
he was a older black gentleman, and he would sit there,
and he would, when they asked him in the candlelight,
they would raise their hand and share, and he would share,
and he would just share chapter five,
that's what he forbade him, that was my,
and everyone would be cheering and chatting him off,
we'd all be fired up at the end of the meeting,
'cause Jimmy shared, and Jimmy's saying,
hey Greg, give me a ride, I'm like, give me a ride,
you know, I could get in my car with a year.
When he left, he goes, I'm just down the street there,
and it's raining, right, and I get in the car,
we're driving, I'm like, Jimmy, where do you let me go?
He goes, yeah, yeah, just keep going down there.
I'm like, okay, Jimmy, I'm like, man, you know,
that commitment they gave me over there were,
you know, now I gotta sweep the floor,
I gotta do the cups, and dah, dah, dah, dah,
and he's like, this too shall pass.
I'm like, what, is that it?
Okay, hey, this girl Karen, man,
all she does is talk in the meeting, I can't listen,
'cause she's always saying some weird shit in my head,
I, what's wrong with this girl Karen?
Oh, this too shall pass, Greg.
I'm like, yeah, I can't get a job,
you know, I'm just going off about all the things
wrong in my life, and he's like, this too shall pass.
I'm like, man, I gotta know, where do you live, by the way?
And I'm, you know, I'm on the 170, and believe it or not,
our two favorite colors show up, red and blue.
I'm like, Jimmy, you have no idea
what's gonna happen right now, I hope you're happy.
I have no registration, dah, dah, dah, dah,
with the cars being towed, I'm going to jail,
and you're walking home, I hope you're happy.
This too shall pass.
So I pull over, and the cop shows up,
and he's got the, it's pouring rain,
he's got those damn bright lights in my face,
and I'm like, yeah, I got the expired registration
right here, along with no license,
and I'm taking this guy home from AA.
He's like, oh, okay, let me, I'll be right back.
He runs back to his car, I'm like, Jimmy, man,
it is over with, I'm really going down.
And the cop comes back, and he's like,
girl, here's your registration, you know,
you, your license is expired, and I'm like,
well, you know, officer, and he's like,
hold on for a second, hey, you know what,
drive safe, I gotta go, and he takes off,
ran into his, girl called me, takes off,
and I'm like, Jimmy, did you see that?
Did you see what I just pulled off?
I did it, and I still got it, look at me,
look at me, we're gonna be okay.
And he's like, this too shall pass.
And let me tell you, this too shall pass
has been a lifeline for me in my life in AA,
because some days we got it, and some days we don't.
I just was been working on a house this week
where the electrical went bad this way,
the gate didn't work this way, the transmission broke here,
and I'm like, have I forgot how to fix things?
I can't fix anything, and you know, this too shall pass,
there'll be another day when I'm gonna be able to get it,
and you know, I'm blessed beyond my belief,
I'm a lucky man, you know, I got a friend out
in the desert right now who had 17 years and went out,
and you know, why is it when I do my prayer,
when I'm in love, service with others,
things seem to be out in AA,
so thank you so much for my life,
and great meeting you, and thank you.