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 it's a nice topic I like the idea of having a topic to speak on and and

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 honesty has been very important in my in my life my journey and sobriety my

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 sobriety date is July 8 2017 so I just got five years earlier this summer and I

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 can a speaking of honesty I can honestly say that getting sober and participating

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 in alcoholics anonymous was the best decision I ever made not not that I had

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 a ton of choice in the matter yeah because I had run out of other ways to

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 live I had done everything I could to avoid getting sober to avoid alcoholics

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 anonymous because I wanted to keep doing everything my way really didn't work

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 really didn't work and I'm just really lucky that I didn't die or get

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 imprisoned before before I could give up give up control and and be honest with

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 myself and come into alcoholics anonymous and give this a serious try I

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 since I don't know I know a few of you but there's many of you I don't know

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 I'll qualify a bit I was born in Los Angeles and born into a nice family

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 everything would would have been normal you know but everyone's got something in

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 their life not that any of this makes me an alcoholic I just say this so that if

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 any alcoholics have been through the same type of family upbringing that that

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 I we can relate probably have similar similar issues but my my father when I

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 was born was very sick so growing up from a young age that colored my

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 perception of what reality was I became a very pessimistic child very dark like

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 there is no meaning to all this we're all just gonna die in pain and you know

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 why bother as it was it was very strange to hear that from a five and six year

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 old but that that was me and you know that interestingly enough on the topic

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 of honesty you know I hear a lot in the rooms that the alcoholic behavior didn't

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 begin with alcohol alcohol was just the most effective thing to latch on to the

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 most effective of the our failed solutions but I had many for that and

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 the one that I can remember most vividly was lying I my mother told me in

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 preschool and if I got in one more fight I couldn't watch Teenage Mutant Ninja

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 Girls which at the time was my favorite thing in the whole world and I went to

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 school with every intention of not getting in another fight every intention

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 and I did and when I got home my mom asked me if I'd been in a fight and

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 something clicked I was for something clicked in my head she doesn't know she

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 doesn't know I can say I didn't she might never know so I did I did and it

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 worked and it turns out I have I would I'd like to say had but I'm sure it's

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 still there I have a natural talent for lying and that is because I will believe

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 it I will believe it there's sometimes I think you could have put me on a on a

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 polygraph and I would have believed it because I'm not only being dishonest

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 with you I'm being dishonest with myself and that comes into play in my

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 alcoholism and in my sobriety later well I'll circle back around to that um but

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 so that that was how it started it was it was lying it was overachievement it

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 was video games it was sports anything I could throw myself into to feel better

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 about myself because I have you know that low self-esteem and the big ego I

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 think I'm either the best or the worst or both simultaneously like I'm the best

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 but they're treating me like the worst maybe I'm the worst I don't know it's

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 complicated in there um and then you know by this point my father had long

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 since passed and my mom was doing a good job like objectively raising me but she

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 was dealing with a lot of grief she had developed a problem of her own like a an

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 alcoholic type problem of her own and no one really knew that and so looking back

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 there were some things that were just not not great and there is a family

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 history of alcoholism and in my family you know I didn't realize that people

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 didn't drink whiskey by the coffee mug because that's that's how people did it

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 in my family like a shot was a was a coffee mug it's like eight ounces it's

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 like eight shot but that was my my perspective of like that's normal like

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 my 80 pound grandmother you can drink that that's that's what a normal person

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 drinks come to find out that's not that's not true but at some point I I

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 was introduced to alcohol and a bunch of other things that I use alcoholically

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 but you know alcoholics anonymous keep it keep it on topic and man it was it

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 was great everyone in a has that moment with at a point in time we thought

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 alcohol was it we thought alcohol would do for us everything that we always want

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 it it would enable us to do everything we never thought we could it made me

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 confident it made me outgoing it gave me a sense of ease I didn't feel that the

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 world was like a harsh unfair place when I was drinking I was able to and I was

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 able to connect with other people I didn't have to worry about the low self

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 esteem in the high ego you know you have a couple drinks we're all just friends

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 you know I was good good friends and it was fun at first you know as it as it

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 often is the the saying is it's it's fun and then it's fun with problems and that

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 it's just problems and I went through those stages really quickly because I'm

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 an all-in type person when I find something that is my solution you know I

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 have an all-time problem I need an all the time solution you know my my my

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 alcoholism didn't take any time off I didn't have any hours of reprieve in the

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 day so I needed alcohol at all times and you know the consequences came pretty

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 quickly I I essentially dropped out of school never graduated high school as a

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 matter of fact started getting arrested as soon as I turned 18 nothing serious

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 thank God because I was always really good at chickening out when it when it

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 came time for really bad stuff to happen you know I was I was around for the

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 shenanigans and then I would just be like all right guys time I I have a

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 thing I would leave before before more serious stuff started happening most of

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 the time or any of the times it mattered and I it just progressed like that and

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 then so I started using alcohol to change the way I felt inside when I was

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 about 12 I didn't get sober until I was five days before my 28 birthday and in

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 the meantime I did not draw one sober breath wasn't always just alcohol I was

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 a equal opportunity offender but I was never sober in that time never not for

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 one second so at the time I got sober my alcoholic life was literally most of

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 what I had known most of the time I'd spent on this planet I've been under the

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 influence and the time that I wasn't I was wishing that I was you know like

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 before that they I've heard the joke for you know I just needed a drink from the

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 time I was two in time I gained consciousness I needed to drink so that

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 was my whole perspective on like what life was uh and before I got sober what

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 the incident that got me sober I I thought or I should say I deluded myself

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 into thinking that I was gonna die the way my father did which is not

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 necessarily true like what he had was rare and it's not necessarily genetic I

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 also didn't get tested for it anyway because I was like I already know I

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 already know my tragic story um and so I thought I was gonna die so I was like

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 well if I'm gonna die by 30 I'm 28 like what's really the point here you can

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 just run this out um and so for about five or six years it was like the movie

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 Groundhog Day I lived the same day over and over again and I didn't like it but

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 I didn't think that there was anything better and part of that is where the

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 dishonesty comes into play I was I was lying to myself because hey I was saying

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 that alcohol was not the problem that life was the problem that the world was

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 the problem that x y & z was the problem that you were the problem wasn't the

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 alcohol that was really dishonest that was delusional I was telling myself all

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 these stories about why I couldn't do anything better I just wasn't capable I

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 couldn't live without the alcohol didn't want to but I never actually tried so I

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 was acting like I had exhausted all the options available to me but I hadn't and

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 that kind of delusion kept me going for a long time I told myself that I didn't

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 have a problem told myself that there wasn't a solution and I told myself that

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 there wasn't anything worthwhile to gain from being sober those are all three

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 were lies that I told myself it was my dishonesty in my active addiction and I

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 had a girlfriend at the time and she couldn't take it anymore she said that

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 she was gonna kill herself if we didn't try and do something and as much as I

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 hated the way I was living I knew it would be worse if I was alone so I was I

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 said we can go to treatment I had no intention of saying so I was just trying

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 to buy a little more time so I went and that's when that's when the miracle

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 started happening was I I went and it was it was really tough you know

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 physically and emotionally it was really tough that I think we all we fucking

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 vouch for that those first few hours those first few days is you know really

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 as bad as as bad as a human being can feel I remember so vividly that I had

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 every reason to want to give up I didn't even go in telling myself that I was

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 gonna stay sober but after I had a day I was like I can do a little more I can do

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 a little more and that was being honest with myself you know I could take it a

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 little longer and that I said that over and over again now I'm still very

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 stubborn so I didn't do what was advised to me I did a few days in a treatment

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 center and then just decided to go home no no plan no anything no sponsor no

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 network no it anything and I was also bringing it back to the topic very

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 dishonest cuz I don't know what exactly I was telling myself back then but it

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 was I was definitely lying to myself if I said I got this I was lying to myself

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 if I said you know I don't need a if I said I have a better idea like all these

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 things were total lies so it's by the grace of God that I made it through that

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 period where I was still unwilling to take any help take any direction but

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 thankfully that didn't that period didn't last very long so when I got out

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 I remember I remember that the one one thing that I I think I had felt my entire

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 life was a kind of shame for one thing or another it was shame for all the lies

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 I was telling as a kid it was a shame for all the things I was hiding it was a

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 shame for all the lies I was telling myself was shame for all that potential

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 that I wasted it was shame for all all the times I drank when I said I wouldn't

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 you know that was that was the most that was what I remember the most about the

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 last years in my alcoholism was I was taking one drink just to wash away the

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 shame the last one that was all I was doing that's a never-ending cycle never

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 goes away um but I remember when I got sober I would close my eyes at night and

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 I didn't feel that because I was the first time I could remember not feeling

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 ashamed of myself and what I'd done that day now I wasn't exactly proud of myself

141
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 either I didn't have any reason yet to feel that emotion but just the no shame

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 was enough to keep me around for a little while and eventually I made a

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 smart decision and I had some friends who were doing AA and I I decided you

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 know what can it hurt and step one I think I mean honesty runs through all

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 the steps but step one I think is the most honesty is the most important

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 component of step one because if you're admitting to yourself that you've become

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 powerless you know you are admitting that you are an alcoholic essential and

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 alcoholics don't want to do that I don't know why that is there's such an

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 interesting phenomenon of this disease you never see a cancer patient who's

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 like no definitely not not me I wouldn't have cancer definitely not scan lies

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 because all the objective evidence is there you look at any one of our

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 personal stories anyone who knew us at the time would be like oh absolutely

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 absolutely you were an alcoholic no one else was no one else was unsure how were

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 we and that is important because once you admit that you're an alcoholic then

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 you put yourself in the position to take the steps the 12 steps and and just in

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 general you take action to treat the disease you know imagine if if you did

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 have cancer and you said I don't then you wouldn't do chemo then you wouldn't

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 do this then you wouldn't do any of this stuff and then the disease would win the

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 same thing with alcoholics anonymous if you lie to yourself tell yourself that

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 you don't have it or that you don't need treatment you won't do it and the

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 disease wins and what I think is even more important than being honest with

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 yourself the first time because I think that honesty can be gradual for some

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 people like I don't remember that I fully grasp the magnitude and fully

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 believed that I was an alcoholic and that I was one of you and that these

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 steps were for me um yeah when I took that step I came to believe it the

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 longer I stuck around the more steps that work but it's even more important

167
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 as you stay sober because you know you work the steps in order but you can kind

168
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 of work them backwards too you know you stop being of service stop praying and

169
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 meditating stop taking daily inventory building up little resentments start you

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 know taking actions that you're gonna have to make amends for but you don't

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 you know your character defects all come up you know and you're just a ball of

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 resentments and you lose your connection with God and then eventually you're drunk

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 again but that last step the first step is also like the emergency break on on

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 your program because I've never met anyone who went back out who didn't tell

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 themselves some kind of lie I'm not an alcoholic it was a phase I can drink

176
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 normally I won't I won't drink but I'm just gonna smoke pot or all these other

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 things people tell themselves it'll be different this time just one more time

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 no one's gonna know it's not gonna be a big deal you know I could go on ad

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 nauseum you can there's a million lives people tell themselves and the people

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 who are who stare stick around you know your friends we've all seen it with

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 people who've gone out and are like oh man you know he's gonna regret that you

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 know you know once because once you're once you're one of us there's no going

183
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 back um and so as long as you keep that recognition that you are an alcoholic

184
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 and you can't tell yourself those lies and tell yourself you don't have this

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 disease I've never seen anyone go out who has kept hold of that this just

186
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 wouldn't make sense um I guess I'm about about done with my time I hope I said

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 something that that resonated with someone.