1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,440
 My name is Jessica and I'm an alcoholic and I just need a minute just to kind of look

2
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:11,040
 at all of you guys and gather my thoughts and be present in the moment and just to remember

3
00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:14,240
 to bring God into this message.

4
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,920
 By the grace of God, I am sober.

5
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:25,440
 Since December 1st, 2005, in December I'll be 18 years and I don't know how that happened.

6
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,440
 When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't think I belonged here.

7
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:33,360
 I was one of those people that thought, you know, high bottom, came from another group,

8
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:37,560
 another program, and I thought, I don't really belong here.

9
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:43,280
 You know, I started hearing your messages and I started to think, why do I feel like

10
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:44,280
 you do?

11
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:51,320
 You know, and it's just, so two days ago I buried my best friend and I'm grateful to

12
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:56,960
 be in a room full of alcoholics because, you know, the reason I stopped drinking, I mean,

13
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,640
 I drank, was because I didn't want to feel.

14
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:05,360
 And I'm a good runner even in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm so good at, like, trying to run away from

15
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:09,080
 my feelings, though it's just what it was like, what happened, what it's like now.

16
00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:14,960
 It doesn't matter if I, you know, you come from low, low bottom, you come from high,

17
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:18,320
 high, high bottom, right, like, I wasn't one of those.

18
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:24,040
 I was not a drinker on a daily basis, you know, it's an outside issue, but pills were

19
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,320
 a part of my life and they just took the edge off.

20
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:31,280
 If I think about it right now, I'm like, oh, they just really did.

21
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:36,280
 I used to hate when I would walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and people would,

22
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:41,760
 I thought they were romanticizing the alcohol or they're, you know, talking about their

23
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,880
 alcoholism and what it was like.

24
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:49,600
 When I get really nervous, I get sketchy, right, like, I feel like, oh my God, am I

25
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:55,680
 gonna stutter, and that may happen, you guys, and I'm learning to accept myself as I am.

26
00:01:55,680 --> 00:02:00,560
 I do have a lot of trauma, that's part of the reason why, you know, you get sober and

27
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:04,160
 all of this stuff comes up, right, and you're like, wait a minute, I'm sobering out, I'm

28
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:08,520
 not drinking or anything, I have so much time, I should feel at ease, right.

29
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:13,200
 A lot of the times I do feel happy, you know, I'm not edgy all the time, but it takes a

30
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,880
 long time to clear the wreckage of my past.

31
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:22,320
 That's what it was like when I was a kid, I was a foreigner, I came to this country

32
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:27,280
 when I was nine years old, I only spoke Spanish, and that was the first time I felt different,

33
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:32,280
 like, you know, and I'm sure I felt awkward and different all the time when I was a kid,

34
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,600
 but, you know, it just like magnified it for me.

35
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:42,040
 I hung out with other people as a kid that looked like me, but they knew English and

36
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:47,120
 they laughed at me, you know, and it made me, that was the beginning of feeling shame,

37
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:51,640
 and I don't know why I'm so emotional, I'm sure, because it's just all in my face.

38
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:56,400
 And I know, by the way, I didn't do emotions when I first came here, I'm a tough cookie,

39
00:02:56,400 --> 00:03:03,120
 I grew up in the projects, I saw a lot of people get killed, I mean, you know, you name

40
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:06,880
 it, there was gangs, there was violence, you name it, right, you know, they talk about

41
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:12,060
 in Alcoholics Anonymous that we clean up really well, really well, and you know, Sean, thank

42
00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:17,280
 you so much for your share from where you come from, because that is exactly what it

43
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,320
 was like in my household.

44
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:25,680
 My brother was a drug dealer at 12 years old, my parents, my mom was working, and we just

45
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:30,920
 kind of grew up, you know, we were just like those wild children, like running around trying

46
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:38,280
 to figure it out, we fed ourselves as we could, my mom was a good mom, she worked really hard.

47
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:42,640
 I worked through all of my inventory work, about my resemblance towards my parents, and

48
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:49,440
 I'm in the middle of working on an immense for my dad, and as a kid, my dad molested

49
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:56,400
 me for many years, and it really impacted my life, and impacted the way that I felt

50
00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:02,320
 about myself, I had low self-worth, low self-esteem, and I needed to have a protective, and now

51
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:08,040
 I know that, like, I remember when he passed away, that it was the first time that I, oh

52
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:15,280
 my god, and this is throughout, like, doing step work, right, throughout, getting outside

53
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:21,000
 help, right, part of my reason for stuttering, that's part of my reason for feeling a little

54
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,920
 bit of anxiety, and I'm telling you this, you know, like, not for you guys to think

55
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,240
 like, oh, poor me, right, like, it's so you guys can know that you can get through anything,

56
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:36,300
 right, like, alcohol worked for me, and it worked really well, right, and I had no idea

57
00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:41,720
 that it worked so well, because what it did, it quiet my head, I remember, I love, I'm

58
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,760
 gonna go all over the place, and that's gonna be okay, I'm accepting myself as I am right

59
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:52,520
 now, right, and I realized, like, you know, when I became a teenager in my 18th, 19th,

60
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:58,200
 20th, thank god that, you know, there is a god, right, like, I found a god in this room,

61
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:02,480
 that there is a god, thank god that I didn't remember any of my trauma, like, I just, I

62
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:07,680
 just like going through life until in my 20s and then I'm like oh my god this is what's happening

63
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:14,080
 right and so um it was a lot to live in that type of environment it was a lot to not have the parents

64
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:20,480
 I needed to have and then I know that and I know how to like take care of myself you guys taught me

65
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:26,080
 that if my mom didn't teach me how to make my bed guess what you guys taught me that when I came to

66
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:31,520
 Alcoholics Anonymous you said like you brush your teeth right you said you said okay you make your

67
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:38,160
 bed oh you're anxious okay that's what you do I remember the day I met my sponsor and she said

68
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:42,240
 and I told her I said I don't think I can leave alcohol but I don't think I can leave the pills

69
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:47,600
 and I remember when I came to A somebody told me you don't belong here because you may belong in

70
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:53,360
 in another program because because you're you're taking pills and I was like oh god and I was so

71
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:59,440
 afraid you guys that I stayed in A regardless of what that person said because Alcoholics Anonymous

72
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:04,960
 had saved my life it has saved my life I am so grateful that I'm here with you guys in this

73
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:11,200
 moment that I had an amazing plan for me to be here when I'm in so much pain because I don't do

74
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:16,480
 well with this grief you know Alcoholics Anonymous I was going to all the conventions I was going to

75
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:22,960
 all the watches um I got sober in in the Downey group and then I went to the Pacific group and

76
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:27,600
 the Pacific group is my group today and I am forever grateful for that group because it's

77
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:32,960
 giving me structure and it's giving me um it's giving me exactly what I need you know there's

78
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,600
 a Friday woman's stag meeting that talks about you know problems and solutions when I was first

79
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:42,240
 knew I hated that I was like what don't and you know why I hated it because don't tell me what

80
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:47,200
 to do like you're trying to tell me what to do now I don't want to listen to you right and that's just

81
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:52,720
 alcoholism right except I'm going to be all over the place but it's okay so um this Friday this

82
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:58,240
 Friday meeting they talked about um the problems and solutions and you know what I get a lot of

83
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:03,200
 solutions in this meeting and you know what I don't feel like I'm a part of you and by the way

84
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:08,480
 for a long time because of course I was in the pink cloud and then the two years three years four

85
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:15,200
 years I'm like oh there's a lot of resemblance against you people you know I was like uh like

86
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:20,560
 you're doing this you're doing that I don't like you for that right like it was just like I was in

87
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:25,600
 the playground with you guys and I didn't like to play with you you know it was just it was just

88
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:32,160
 no longer fun it was no longer fun I had done enough in Alcoholics Anonymous without finishing

89
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:37,600
 my steps meaning yes I was running around with everyone and we were having a lot of fun there

90
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:43,040
 were so many dances and by the way I love dancing going back when I was drinking I love going to

91
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:49,520
 clubs and I love dancing and it was fun and it was my way to escape um I'll tell you when that

92
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:55,280
 happened I'll tell you two stories there was one story we went to this club and um it was it was

93
00:07:55,280 --> 00:08:00,240
 fun because there was alcohol and there was dancing and there was men so I was like great

94
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:10,160
 right because I didn't care I just felt so empty inside I I just felt um so lonely alcohol alcohol

95
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:16,480
 really helped me to feel alive it helped me to connect with you I remember when I you know when

96
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:23,920
 I took the drink and then I thought oh my god everyone likes me I am the you know just the life

97
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:30,240
 of the party and uh it was fun for a long time until it wasn't at the end I was everyone else

98
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:35,600
 who was around me were partying and I wasn't partying anymore I was in my living room trying

99
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:42,880
 to enjoy and control my drinking I was um I went we went to Vegas one time and I didn't want to

100
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:47,440
 drink you guys I really didn't want to drink and my friend said come on just have a drink

101
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:53,120
 and I drank and I had a little kid and I had my mom and she was my sitter and guess what my parents

102
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:57,440
 much as damaged as they did they were trying to make up and I know about that guilt because I did

103
00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:03,280
 the same thing to my kid what I did I was very abusive towards them and I was just full of rage

104
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:08,240
 and my mom was a rager you know and I thought but it's her fault never taking responsibility

105
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:13,440
 alcoholics anonymous taught me how to be responsible taught me how to take responsibility

106
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:17,600
 for my action and you know what who wants to take responsibility right but that doesn't matter

107
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,080
 because I felt so much guilt and so much shame and what happens when I finally started to work the

108
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:28,640
 steps and got into the 12th step right it's the best of my ability that that guilt ship shipped

109
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:35,200
 away shipped away and um I mean there's there's just so much history in 17 years it's amazing I

110
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:40,880
 know some people in my program that have 35 40 50 years right but I'm grateful that I'm here

111
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:47,440
 with you guys I just need a little moment I'm centering I'm coming so those kids are grown I

112
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:53,040
 have three one of them is 30 years old the other one 35 and the other one 21 and the one who was

113
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:59,360
 21 I went to AA and I she came to AA with me all the time and I don't know how you did it because

114
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:04,800
 she was five years old and I'm so grateful because she has never seen me drink she has never seen me

115
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:11,200
 take a pill she has not as an adult has seen me rage I don't rage anymore I don't know how I get

116
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,480
 I feel the anger because I feel the grief right now but I don't take it

117
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:20,320
 people and I have no idea how that happens not without this program if I'm not here with you

118
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:26,320
 I'll go ahead and take it out on anyone my older daughter she was the receiver of all

119
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:32,880
 all of my rage and she's a wonderful kid you know I'm really blessed I have some amazing children

120
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:37,840
 you know they're pretty well I don't know how to say this but they're they they they're doing so

121
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:44,240
 well right they're doing so well and um I believe because there's a God in their life but also

122
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:49,920
 because I have made those amends you know the amends I wanted to have for my parents the amends

123
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:56,320
 that I wanted I wanted my mom to tell me how proud she is of me I wanted my mom to show up to my

124
00:10:56,320 --> 00:11:02,800
 graduation and I can understand why and those were my resentments right my resentment was like why

125
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:09,360
 didn't you protect me from my dad why didn't you do this why didn't you do that right and uh my

126
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:14,560
 sponsor asked me ask her how was her childhood what was her life like she said how do you find

127
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:19,680
 for how do you find forgiveness and it was through the steps with when I was in the eighth step that

128
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:24,960
 it was like how can I do that how can I how can I make those amends I was still holding on to the

129
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:32,160
 resentment um I saw my dad beat my my brother at 12 years old and he gave him a black guy and the

130
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:36,800
 homies out there were making fun of him and he's an alcoholic today and I believe that that was the

131
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:43,040
 reason why um he almost died from alcoholism and he's been in rehab three times and he's still not

132
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:47,920
 sober you know and this is what this disease does and I don't know why me I don't know why I'm here

133
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:55,920
 well why am I here you know sponsor going back I sponsor a lot of women and um and then I I started

134
00:11:55,920 --> 00:12:02,640
 to focus on you on that resentment right I started to focus on you I I didn't clean um my side of the

135
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:08,560
 street my parents yet I was stuck on that eighth step for a long time I started changing from group

136
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:14,560
 to group and then because you did it wrong something happened with you that I was like no

137
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:18,080
 you know I don't belong here I don't belong here I don't belong here and it was the perfect way for

138
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:23,920
 me I'm out of Alcoholics Anonymous so I became suicidal because all the memories all the thoughts

139
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:29,120
 everything especially during the pandemic everything just like was in my head and I wasn't

140
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:34,560
 doing Alcoholics Anonymous because guess what it's it's you know it's through zoom I had a bunch of

141
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:41,600
 reasons before I had already done some damages um the friends that there were four four of us who

142
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:48,960
 got sober at the same time two of them went out it's just two of us left and um one of them was

143
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:55,600
 pissed because I was very petty and I know now I know now why because I was a big victim I was like

144
00:12:55,600 --> 00:13:00,880
 what do you mean what do you like didn't you know how how nice I am don't you know how kind I am you

145
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:05,920
 know why are you doing this to me and she basically said to me she's like you're vicious and you're

146
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:10,880
 this and you're that and I had done some things that now I understand and how do I understand

147
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:15,280
 that because I did the steps again because I finally surrendered because I was so lonely

148
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:20,400
 to the point that I had alienated everyone they talk about in the big book about the

149
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:25,520
 bedevelments right at work nobody wanted to really be around me and I didn't want to be around anyone

150
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:31,280
 and my husband and I were not getting along and it was bad my older daughter I hadn't all of this

151
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:35,920
 stuff came up for her all the memories she needed to have all the anger she needed to have I didn't

152
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:40,880
 have a good relationship with her and she didn't want to have much to do with me um all of my people

153
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:47,040
 in AA were gone and I didn't have a sponsor so I'm all alone you guys I'm ready to bounce and I'm

154
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:52,640
 suicidal because I know that drink won't help but how do I kill myself and before the pandemic my

155
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:58,320
 mom died and there was unfinished business I don't know about you guys but unfinished business sucks

156
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:02,800
 it really is the most painful thing when you're when both of my parents had died and I remember

157
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,360
 my sponsor and my dad died she said you have unfinished business that's why you feel the way

158
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:12,640
 that you feel right and I didn't know that I didn't know that I needed to say the things I

159
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:17,920
 needed to say to my parents and my parents needed to say the things that they needed to say to me

160
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:23,200
 because I was selfish and self-centered and dishonest just like the big book talks about

161
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:28,720
 right it's about me me me me me me me me me me since I was a kid what about me and I didn't

162
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:34,480
 understand that and now I'm 40 something years and I'm like oh my god it's still about me and

163
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:40,240
 guess what I'm lonely I'm lonely because doesn't that what isn't that what it says he talked on

164
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:46,320
 Sean talked about depression the depression set in it's my norm I read it I read I don't know if you

165
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:51,760
 guys read this but there is a big book and there's also this other book that's called the um the soul

166
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:57,200
 of sponsorship where Bill Wilson talks about how he was depressed for a long time and how he had

167
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:02,160
 to get out of bed he had to take one step and another step and another step to get out of his

168
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:06,160
 house and when I read the big book I thought what's wrong with me how come I'm not having

169
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:11,040
 that spiritual awakening I'm over 10 years of sobriety and I want to kill myself and by the way

170
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:18,000
 I did me I had a friend in AA who killed himself and he hung himself and I was like whoa why why

171
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:23,600
 alcoholism is real and it's not about the drink or about what we put in our body it's about when we

172
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:29,840
 get sober and the solutions are in the steps and having the willingness I don't even know honestly

173
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:34,480
 one of the things that happened for me is that I found God throughout this journey right it was

174
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:42,960
 like okay uh I'm lonely nobody cares about me I'm in a victim mode um I'm pushing people away I'm a

175
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:48,080
 runner and I realized that but I don't really really know that until I did some step work

176
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:52,800
 which was in this year I did the step work with a sponsor and that sponsor was like oh no no no no

177
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:58,240
 we're gonna do the steps are you are you done with your fourth step okay let's read it are you

178
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:03,280
 done with your fifth step we're done with your fifth step okay now we know what the problem is

179
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:07,280
 she's like okay here's your deck your character defect all right now we're moving to the eighth

180
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:14,080
 step okay so now you guys I'm doing the steps and so now I'm doing my immense so how do I find out

181
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:19,840
 bless you how do I find out that um that I'm selfish and self-centered and dishonest even

182
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:24,800
 and all even when I am sober and I'm going out there in the world and I don't understand why

183
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:32,160
 you hate me and I don't realize that I hate myself and um so I start going back to AA I get a sponsor

184
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:37,520
 I get busy and I'm in this sense of desperation I don't care what you want me to do whatever it is

185
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:42,720
 that you want me to do I'll do it right and now I I realize I've been abandoning myself if I don't

186
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:47,360
 show up to alcoholics anonymous I'm abandoning myself I'm doing hard to myself and I remember my

187
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:51,520
 sponsor told me that because I was like well nobody really likes me I don't have any friends

188
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:58,000
 you know I I'm not playing well in the playground so why do like what's the purpose me me me me what

189
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:03,440
 can I get from you right you guys all of these years I was under the radar I thought right I

190
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:08,080
 wasn't hurting anyone else except myself I didn't realize that having a little job here in alcoholics

191
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:11,520
 anonymous was going to give me self-esteem I didn't realize that it was going to take me out

192
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:16,240
 there and I was going to be of service to someone else automatically because you taught me that I

193
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:23,120
 have so much relief and I'm super grateful that I surrender one more time I found that God of my

194
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:27,520
 understanding the God that I was mad at because I'm like how dare you give me a father like this

195
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:33,600
 you know why because that father I love I love my dad I love my mom they were my parents and it was

196
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:38,880
 really hard to understand why when I stopped thinking about the why and found some kind of

197
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:45,280
 forgiveness not just for them what was my part in this with my parents I ignored I I did there's

198
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:49,120
 nothing worse I don't know about you guys but when someone ignores you and you're an alcoholic

199
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:54,880
 it hurts you know you feel so rejected that it's like oh I don't like that I don't like when

200
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:58,880
 you're not looking at me I don't like when you're not paying attention to me you know because it's

201
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:03,680
 all about me right I'm not asking you about you I'm not really interested in you right so that's

202
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:07,360
 exactly what I did with my parents I mean it doesn't matter I did it with them I'm gonna do

203
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:13,040
 it with the rest of the people right so um with my parents um when my mom was passing away I was

204
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:18,400
 I was barely scratching the surface I hadn't done step work and I remember my mom said you are

205
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:23,600
 different and something has shifted it neat long enough for her to see it but then I went back

206
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:29,920
 to my to myself like it's like I can't think of the word but I it was just like I'm too scared

207
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:35,200
 it's all about me blaming it that I don't have the right sponsor to tell me exactly what to do

208
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:40,080
 I mean that could have been true right because I I need you guys to tell me to give me direction

209
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:45,920
 sometimes right because I don't know I'm coming from a child-like experience I guess if that's

210
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:50,960
 what you want to call it so when my mom passed away um I wanted to die that's when when it all

211
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:56,400
 happened I was like oh my god I want to die and I didn't know why it's because I had so much guilt

212
00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:01,680
 because I couldn't be present because it was about me one more time because why was it I the one to

213
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:07,440
 make decisions for her why was I the one to why why why why why right so um when I started doing

214
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:13,040
 the steps again I realized that I was the runner somebody was and it made it so light that I

215
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:20,160
 understood because when I did the steps I was like oh I get it okay so when my so by the way um my

216
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:26,720
 when my dad died I knew he was um but it it really did affect me um because they made it safe enough

217
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:31,920
 to remember everything and it made it safe enough for me to to just get the help I needed and I got

218
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:37,840
 it you know and the recovery has been amazing it's gonna be a long life recovery just like alcoholics

219
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:43,360
 anonymous but I'm super grateful for that um so when he died that that's what happened the next

220
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:50,080
 thing that happened was um my ex-husband was one of us he uh alcoholism and drug addiction took him

221
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:57,440
 and um he's oh this is hard for me to talk about um he ended up going to jail a couple times like

222
00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:03,120
 we hear here in alcoholics anonymous and he was deported and when he got deported he ended up in

223
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:08,320
 a small town he thought it was just as easy to get drugs there as it was here and he ended up getting

224
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:15,040
 killed by the cartels and my children suffer from that they were devastated because um they heard

225
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:20,800
 the whole story about how they they made an example of him and if you thought that that that was even

226
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:26,640
 possible but alcohol alcoholism and drug addiction takes us to all kinds of places and that was really

227
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:33,120
 devastating for me it it affects everyone around us you guys it affected my kids like you don't know

228
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:40,240
 my my my younger daughter was 12 11 or 12 and when she you know everyone was talking about it

229
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:46,240
 all the other kids so they told her how he died and you can never protect your children from

230
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:52,400
 addiction from alcoholism they will take us down and thank god that she had a sober mom right um

231
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:58,000
 until this day she says i can't have a boyfriend i can't i can't there's there's something there

232
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:03,680
 that blocks me because i still remember my daddy you know and uh so i'm bringing this up to you

233
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:08,960
 guys because maybe someone's in here that needed to hear that you know that the people you mostly

234
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:14,960
 love we take them with us we can take them with sobriety right spirituality or we could take them

235
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:20,880
 with the disease you know um so that was really hard it it was just like every year i had a death

236
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:26,240
 for about five or six years i don't even remember how long but the second death was a fancy that i

237
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:32,240
 had for eight years and she was like my bestie we were back together at a meeting we did everything

238
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:36,400
 she died suddenly from meningitis she was a teacher and she was on the news and it was just

239
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:43,280
 a big deal and i was in shock and i don't do well with death you guys not sober but i i've learned

240
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:48,640
 that with god i can do anything and with you guys today then when she died i was like i can't i can't

241
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,560
 handle the emotions i don't know that's that's what i was doing i was running so i ran away from

242
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:58,160
 that home group i never went back to that friday night meeting i left right and it impacted me so

243
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:03,280
 much that i was like i can't connect with women anymore it's too scary subconsciously i mean we

244
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:08,800
 do this subconsciously right and i was like okay i can't do this i can't do this and um then my mom

245
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:13,440
 died and i was like okay god that's a lot yeah i can't do this anymore that brought me to the

246
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:18,720
 journey that i am right now the journey that i am right now is that i have an amazing sponsor that

247
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:25,200
 i and i have an amazing home group and an amazing god and i believe in god like i never believed

248
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:31,360
 before so it took me a long time but i'm super grateful for that why because when you failed me

249
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:36,000
 i know god's there for me right and when i feel like i used to feel like i was a piece of crap

250
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:41,120
 when i feel like i'm that person right with all the messages all the negative thoughts all the

251
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:46,800
 criticisms oh my god you did that wrong you didn't speak this way whatever it was you know that i'm

252
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:52,640
 hearing about myself i know today that i am a loving human being just like all of you guys

253
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:57,440
 and i know that when i'm judging you i'm judging myself and i know that when you have an issue with

254
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:02,560
 me or you judging yourself or you're judging me or i think you're judging me whatever it is right

255
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:08,320
 that it's your problem and that i found through alcoholics anonymous because otherwise i want to

256
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:13,920
 fight with every single one right every and most of it is in my head i won't tell you because i'm

257
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:20,720
 going to be really nice hello how are you right but no no no no so that happened um so i i did

258
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:27,840
 the steps and i'm in my eight step and um i found out so my my friend calls me oh let's backtrack

259
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:35,600
 so when my ex-husband was deported in mexico and and all of that happened before that i i blocked

260
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:41,360
 them from anything i was like i'm blocking him for facebook you know i i felt better than i'm

261
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:47,680
 better than you i'm sober and you're still doing this stuff right this is alcoholism you guys it's

262
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:53,680
 sensors in my mind all right i take everything else it's in here i'm over here no no no i don't

263
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,760
 want to deal with you what i didn't understand is that i was i was running from the feelings

264
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:03,040
 right i cared about that person he had been in my life forever right but i learned how to run since

265
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:07,760
 i was a kid i learned how to run i had been a runner for a long time if you do me wrong

266
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:11,440
 i'm gonna cut you off i don't know that i'm cutting you off because i'm just going i'm

267
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:16,240
 just going i'm just living life without even knowing i actually i'm not living life i'm just

268
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:21,600
 doing um so i'm doing the my step work and i'm like oh there there he is all right and then the

269
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:27,040
 next person um so then my husband if i get mad at him i'm like i'm not gonna talk to you anymore oh

270
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:31,440
 you're not talking to me we're not talking to each other right he has 35 years of sobriety too right

271
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:37,680
 like we're both sober and um and it's painful because it's alcoholism it's the disease that's

272
00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:43,280
 center in my mind perfect it's the disease that's center in my mind and uh i don't know it and it's

273
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:48,720
 painful and very lonely this is what i'm talking about when i don't you know i feel like everyone

274
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:54,960
 hates me at work i feel like my kids don't want to be around me i don't like my husband much he

275
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:59,920
 obviously doesn't like me much you know i don't have alcoholics anonymous i don't have friends

276
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:03,840
 it's still thinking about me and i'm dying and i don't want to live and i have all this shame and

277
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:09,360
 all this guilt and i don't know why so i finally you know i hear someone speak that i know in aaa

278
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:14,400
 and i'm like can you sponsor me please and she didn't even tell me you need to go to this meeting

279
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:17,760
 you need to do that she just said what meetings do you want to go to and i'm like i'll go to the

280
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,680
 Wednesday night pacific group meeting i'll go to the friday i'll go to the saturday you know like

281
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:26,720
 i'm just gonna do it and this is how alcoholism works even in sobriety a week later i'm like i

282
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:31,600
 don't want to do that i don't i'm like why did i think that why do i i feel better i felt better

283
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:37,760
 that's what it was i felt better momentarily so then she starts doing some things you know after

284
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:41,520
 i'm going to that meeting i'm looking around i'm doing the same thing i did in every other meeting

285
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:46,640
 i'm looking at you what can i get from you why aren't you my friend i thought alcoholics anonymous

286
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,760
 is supposed to help the other person how come you're not helping me why aren't you reaching out

287
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:56,000
 and giving me your hand and saying hello welcome or why aren't you opening up you know your arms or

288
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:01,520
 your groove so you can tell me like like you know i'm valuable and i'm worth it and you like me

289
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:06,160
 like you know all of this stuff right she's laughing um because that's what we do earlier

290
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:11,920
 today someone from aa called me and she's like what did i do how come i'm not part of the group

291
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:17,840
 and i was like welcome to alcoholism i say but there's a solution right and she goes i know you

292
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:22,800
 have experience with that and it's because i'm transparent you guys i'm telling you this is how

293
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:28,640
 alcoholism works i used to have a lot of shame and that shame is what kept me away from you

294
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:34,080
 the fact that i wouldn't i couldn't tell you like i feel like i was weak like if i told you i need

295
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:39,680
 you please don't ignore me i don't like it i don't like being rejected this is what it looks like to

296
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:45,840
 me in my head it's not rejection and 99 of the time you guys are thinking of yourselves you know

297
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:51,440
 and that's what i found out i'm like 99 of the time i'm thinking of myself too so i was you know

298
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:56,400
 i started to get respectful and i was like ah nobody likes me i don't like to be here here we

299
00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:02,240
 go again um and it's my own head that's telling me you know what if you could only be funnier like

300
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:08,400
 that person and the jealousy all of the character defense stars right so then i'm like nah i don't

301
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:12,800
 know what she said to me and i was like you're done you're done so i'm like mustering you know

302
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:17,120
 just mustering mustering the um the courage i don't want you to be my sponsor anymore thank

303
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:22,560
 you so much i'm running you know and she knew i was a runner because i had told her and then

304
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:28,960
 i met my match i met the sponsor who said oh no no no no no where are you oh no no no what step

305
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:34,480
 are you on and i'm super grateful because god stepped in and here's how when we did the steps

306
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:40,720
 when we did the step work we got to i think god she didn't criticize me or judge me right my mom

307
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:47,280
 is very critical so in my in my head is like oh i hear her voices and uh in the comparison and despair

308
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:52,080
 those are one of my biggest character defects i have to pray to god please sometimes just please

309
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:56,720
 please please shut this head off right and it's moments like this when i'm with you guys and i

310
00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:01,920
 hear you and i hear your message that i'm like i belong because i have a sense of belonging i need

311
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:07,280
 to belong somewhere where i'm understood where i can understand you yes i understand what you're

312
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:14,400
 saying because it's me you are me so i wrote down um i wrote down all of my inventory we we read it

313
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:18,720
 and when she gave me my character defects but she also said oh here here's the immense you're doing

314
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:24,480
 this and this and this and that and we started we started writing them and the immense that i've done

315
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:30,880
 so far is my mom's cement i went to the cemetery i made the immense just uh on today's saturday

316
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:36,480
 yesterday i made those demands and i cried and i really meant it and i said it and what happened is

317
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:41,600
 that i work at a hospital my mom died at that hospital so i kept going to that same place over

318
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:45,840
 and over and over and over again and i started building resentment with the physicians and with

319
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:50,400
 the place that i work and that is the worst thing to feel when you have a lot of guilt i had a lot of

320
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:55,680
 guilt and what happened when i made those immense the guilt separated and it wasn't even when i made

321
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:59,600
 them when i wrote them down when i wrote them down with my sponsor so when i wrote them down i went

322
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:05,440
 to that hospital and by the way those people and the the my co-workers are my friends now so how

323
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:10,240
 does that happen right my relationship with my daughter is so much better we had a heart-to-heart

324
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:16,160
 conversation right my relationship with my husband touch and go you know marriages are hard right um

325
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:23,120
 my i have nine sponces in such a short amount of time and it's because i'm loving and i'm

326
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:27,600
 crying and i just tell them my experience and when they're hurting i don't beat them down when

327
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:32,240
 they're hurting i pick them up and you know what when i used to hurt and you were hurting i was like

328
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:38,000
 good i'm glad you're hurting because i am too you know and the fact is that how does that work i am

329
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:43,680
 forever ever grateful the last thing i can tell you guys is that time up the last thing i can tell

330
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:49,920
 you guys is that um this friend that died i also cut him off i cut him off a year ago for something

331
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:56,480
 really petty and i had when i met him uh over 20 years ago we were working together and i stole

332
00:29:56,480 --> 00:30:02,320
 money from that company and um i had that's what i'm telling you like i had i had done the steps

333
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:06,560
 and i'm like yeah i'm in my ninth step but i wasn't doing anything i was moving from sponsor

334
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:13,440
 to sponsor from group home group to home group so what happened is um his sister texted me and said

335
00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:20,400
 hey jose passed away and you know the manager from that place we both worked at was there and

336
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:25,760
 i was like oh i gotta tell my sponsor because jose would say hey you know so and so said that you

337
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:31,120
 stole money but i don't believe it i wouldn't say yes or no and this was before sobriety this was in

338
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:38,560
 sobriety right and so i i basically just really felt that shame in that remorse so what happened

339
00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:43,440
 was i i talked to my sponsor and she said okay what was the amount it came out with the amount

340
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:48,480
 and she said oh that's a lot of money and i said well i'm willing to do whatever in the moment

341
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:52,880
 afterwards i was like no i'm not i don't want to pay this money that's a lot of money but anyway

342
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:58,480
 what i did is i um i called his sister and she she asked me in high regard and i told her i said

343
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:04,480
 i want to make the amends i'm in this program and this is what what's going on and um she said she

344
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:08,720
 said she was baffled she goes i don't know what you're talking about and then later on she said

345
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:13,520
 to me she said i'll get back to you i'm gonna tell all my siblings about it and then i was like no

346
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:18,800
 don't tell your siblings just you and so she did she called me the next day and she said we're

347
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:23,760
 willing to take it and i said this is the amount of money i want to give you and she said that was

348
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:30,240
 the money for his tombstone and how does that this is 20 years later and then i don't like to show up

349
00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:35,200
 to funerals because i don't like to feel and i showed up to the funeral on friday and to the

350
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:42,560
 viewing on thursday and it was painful and i was a moment i felt dissociated but today i feel relief

351
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:49,360
 because i closed that chapter in my life because of alcohol is anonymous and i am super grateful

352
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:55,200
 for that because i have an amazing relationship with god with my children and i have an amazing

353
00:31:55,200 --> 00:32:00,160
 relationship with alcohol is anonymous and with everyone else and mostly i have an amazing

354
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:06,800
 relationship with me and the peace that i have inside i could never ever experience it in any

355
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:12,080
 other way thank you guys all do that