My name is Jessica and I'm an alcoholic and I just need a minute just to kind of look
at all of you guys and gather my thoughts and be present in the moment and just to remember
to bring God into this message.
By the grace of God, I am sober.
Since December 1st, 2005, in December I'll be 18 years and I don't know how that happened.
When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't think I belonged here.
I was one of those people that thought, you know, high bottom, came from another group,
another program, and I thought, I don't really belong here.
You know, I started hearing your messages and I started to think, why do I feel like
you do?
You know, and it's just, so two days ago I buried my best friend and I'm grateful to
be in a room full of alcoholics because, you know, the reason I stopped drinking, I mean,
I drank, was because I didn't want to feel.
And I'm a good runner even in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm so good at, like, trying to run away from
my feelings, though it's just what it was like, what happened, what it's like now.
It doesn't matter if I, you know, you come from low, low bottom, you come from high,
high, high bottom, right, like, I wasn't one of those.
I was not a drinker on a daily basis, you know, it's an outside issue, but pills were
a part of my life and they just took the edge off.
If I think about it right now, I'm like, oh, they just really did.
I used to hate when I would walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and people would,
I thought they were romanticizing the alcohol or they're, you know, talking about their
alcoholism and what it was like.
When I get really nervous, I get sketchy, right, like, I feel like, oh my God, am I
gonna stutter, and that may happen, you guys, and I'm learning to accept myself as I am.
I do have a lot of trauma, that's part of the reason why, you know, you get sober and
all of this stuff comes up, right, and you're like, wait a minute, I'm sobering out, I'm
not drinking or anything, I have so much time, I should feel at ease, right.
A lot of the times I do feel happy, you know, I'm not edgy all the time, but it takes a
long time to clear the wreckage of my past.
That's what it was like when I was a kid, I was a foreigner, I came to this country
when I was nine years old, I only spoke Spanish, and that was the first time I felt different,
like, you know, and I'm sure I felt awkward and different all the time when I was a kid,
but, you know, it just like magnified it for me.
I hung out with other people as a kid that looked like me, but they knew English and
they laughed at me, you know, and it made me, that was the beginning of feeling shame,
and I don't know why I'm so emotional, I'm sure, because it's just all in my face.
And I know, by the way, I didn't do emotions when I first came here, I'm a tough cookie,
I grew up in the projects, I saw a lot of people get killed, I mean, you know, you name
it, there was gangs, there was violence, you name it, right, you know, they talk about
in Alcoholics Anonymous that we clean up really well, really well, and you know, Sean, thank
you so much for your share from where you come from, because that is exactly what it
was like in my household.
My brother was a drug dealer at 12 years old, my parents, my mom was working, and we just
kind of grew up, you know, we were just like those wild children, like running around trying
to figure it out, we fed ourselves as we could, my mom was a good mom, she worked really hard.
I worked through all of my inventory work, about my resemblance towards my parents, and
I'm in the middle of working on an immense for my dad, and as a kid, my dad molested
me for many years, and it really impacted my life, and impacted the way that I felt
about myself, I had low self-worth, low self-esteem, and I needed to have a protective, and now
I know that, like, I remember when he passed away, that it was the first time that I, oh
my god, and this is throughout, like, doing step work, right, throughout, getting outside
help, right, part of my reason for stuttering, that's part of my reason for feeling a little
bit of anxiety, and I'm telling you this, you know, like, not for you guys to think
like, oh, poor me, right, like, it's so you guys can know that you can get through anything,
right, like, alcohol worked for me, and it worked really well, right, and I had no idea
that it worked so well, because what it did, it quiet my head, I remember, I love, I'm
gonna go all over the place, and that's gonna be okay, I'm accepting myself as I am right
now, right, and I realized, like, you know, when I became a teenager in my 18th, 19th,
20th, thank god that, you know, there is a god, right, like, I found a god in this room,
that there is a god, thank god that I didn't remember any of my trauma, like, I just, I
just like going through life until in my 20s and then I'm like oh my god this is what's happening
right and so um it was a lot to live in that type of environment it was a lot to not have the parents
I needed to have and then I know that and I know how to like take care of myself you guys taught me
that if my mom didn't teach me how to make my bed guess what you guys taught me that when I came to
Alcoholics Anonymous you said like you brush your teeth right you said you said okay you make your
bed oh you're anxious okay that's what you do I remember the day I met my sponsor and she said
and I told her I said I don't think I can leave alcohol but I don't think I can leave the pills
and I remember when I came to A somebody told me you don't belong here because you may belong in
in another program because because you're you're taking pills and I was like oh god and I was so
afraid you guys that I stayed in A regardless of what that person said because Alcoholics Anonymous
had saved my life it has saved my life I am so grateful that I'm here with you guys in this
moment that I had an amazing plan for me to be here when I'm in so much pain because I don't do
well with this grief you know Alcoholics Anonymous I was going to all the conventions I was going to
all the watches um I got sober in in the Downey group and then I went to the Pacific group and
the Pacific group is my group today and I am forever grateful for that group because it's
giving me structure and it's giving me um it's giving me exactly what I need you know there's
a Friday woman's stag meeting that talks about you know problems and solutions when I was first
knew I hated that I was like what don't and you know why I hated it because don't tell me what
to do like you're trying to tell me what to do now I don't want to listen to you right and that's just
alcoholism right except I'm going to be all over the place but it's okay so um this Friday this
Friday meeting they talked about um the problems and solutions and you know what I get a lot of
solutions in this meeting and you know what I don't feel like I'm a part of you and by the way
for a long time because of course I was in the pink cloud and then the two years three years four
years I'm like oh there's a lot of resemblance against you people you know I was like uh like
you're doing this you're doing that I don't like you for that right like it was just like I was in
the playground with you guys and I didn't like to play with you you know it was just it was just
no longer fun it was no longer fun I had done enough in Alcoholics Anonymous without finishing
my steps meaning yes I was running around with everyone and we were having a lot of fun there
were so many dances and by the way I love dancing going back when I was drinking I love going to
clubs and I love dancing and it was fun and it was my way to escape um I'll tell you when that
happened I'll tell you two stories there was one story we went to this club and um it was it was
fun because there was alcohol and there was dancing and there was men so I was like great
right because I didn't care I just felt so empty inside I I just felt um so lonely alcohol alcohol
really helped me to feel alive it helped me to connect with you I remember when I you know when
I took the drink and then I thought oh my god everyone likes me I am the you know just the life
of the party and uh it was fun for a long time until it wasn't at the end I was everyone else
who was around me were partying and I wasn't partying anymore I was in my living room trying
to enjoy and control my drinking I was um I went we went to Vegas one time and I didn't want to
drink you guys I really didn't want to drink and my friend said come on just have a drink
and I drank and I had a little kid and I had my mom and she was my sitter and guess what my parents
much as damaged as they did they were trying to make up and I know about that guilt because I did
the same thing to my kid what I did I was very abusive towards them and I was just full of rage
and my mom was a rager you know and I thought but it's her fault never taking responsibility
alcoholics anonymous taught me how to be responsible taught me how to take responsibility
for my action and you know what who wants to take responsibility right but that doesn't matter
because I felt so much guilt and so much shame and what happens when I finally started to work the
steps and got into the 12th step right it's the best of my ability that that guilt ship shipped
away shipped away and um I mean there's there's just so much history in 17 years it's amazing I
know some people in my program that have 35 40 50 years right but I'm grateful that I'm here
with you guys I just need a little moment I'm centering I'm coming so those kids are grown I
have three one of them is 30 years old the other one 35 and the other one 21 and the one who was
21 I went to AA and I she came to AA with me all the time and I don't know how you did it because
she was five years old and I'm so grateful because she has never seen me drink she has never seen me
take a pill she has not as an adult has seen me rage I don't rage anymore I don't know how I get
I feel the anger because I feel the grief right now but I don't take it
people and I have no idea how that happens not without this program if I'm not here with you
I'll go ahead and take it out on anyone my older daughter she was the receiver of all
all of my rage and she's a wonderful kid you know I'm really blessed I have some amazing children
you know they're pretty well I don't know how to say this but they're they they they're doing so
well right they're doing so well and um I believe because there's a God in their life but also
because I have made those amends you know the amends I wanted to have for my parents the amends
that I wanted I wanted my mom to tell me how proud she is of me I wanted my mom to show up to my
graduation and I can understand why and those were my resentments right my resentment was like why
didn't you protect me from my dad why didn't you do this why didn't you do that right and uh my
sponsor asked me ask her how was her childhood what was her life like she said how do you find
for how do you find forgiveness and it was through the steps with when I was in the eighth step that
it was like how can I do that how can I how can I make those amends I was still holding on to the
resentment um I saw my dad beat my my brother at 12 years old and he gave him a black guy and the
homies out there were making fun of him and he's an alcoholic today and I believe that that was the
reason why um he almost died from alcoholism and he's been in rehab three times and he's still not
sober you know and this is what this disease does and I don't know why me I don't know why I'm here
well why am I here you know sponsor going back I sponsor a lot of women and um and then I I started
to focus on you on that resentment right I started to focus on you I I didn't clean um my side of the
street my parents yet I was stuck on that eighth step for a long time I started changing from group
to group and then because you did it wrong something happened with you that I was like no
you know I don't belong here I don't belong here I don't belong here and it was the perfect way for
me I'm out of Alcoholics Anonymous so I became suicidal because all the memories all the thoughts
everything especially during the pandemic everything just like was in my head and I wasn't
doing Alcoholics Anonymous because guess what it's it's you know it's through zoom I had a bunch of
reasons before I had already done some damages um the friends that there were four four of us who
got sober at the same time two of them went out it's just two of us left and um one of them was
pissed because I was very petty and I know now I know now why because I was a big victim I was like
what do you mean what do you like didn't you know how how nice I am don't you know how kind I am you
know why are you doing this to me and she basically said to me she's like you're vicious and you're
this and you're that and I had done some things that now I understand and how do I understand
that because I did the steps again because I finally surrendered because I was so lonely
to the point that I had alienated everyone they talk about in the big book about the
bedevelments right at work nobody wanted to really be around me and I didn't want to be around anyone
and my husband and I were not getting along and it was bad my older daughter I hadn't all of this
stuff came up for her all the memories she needed to have all the anger she needed to have I didn't
have a good relationship with her and she didn't want to have much to do with me um all of my people
in AA were gone and I didn't have a sponsor so I'm all alone you guys I'm ready to bounce and I'm
suicidal because I know that drink won't help but how do I kill myself and before the pandemic my
mom died and there was unfinished business I don't know about you guys but unfinished business sucks
it really is the most painful thing when you're when both of my parents had died and I remember
my sponsor and my dad died she said you have unfinished business that's why you feel the way
that you feel right and I didn't know that I didn't know that I needed to say the things I
needed to say to my parents and my parents needed to say the things that they needed to say to me
because I was selfish and self-centered and dishonest just like the big book talks about
right it's about me me me me me me me me me me since I was a kid what about me and I didn't
understand that and now I'm 40 something years and I'm like oh my god it's still about me and
guess what I'm lonely I'm lonely because doesn't that what isn't that what it says he talked on
Sean talked about depression the depression set in it's my norm I read it I read I don't know if you
guys read this but there is a big book and there's also this other book that's called the um the soul
of sponsorship where Bill Wilson talks about how he was depressed for a long time and how he had
to get out of bed he had to take one step and another step and another step to get out of his
house and when I read the big book I thought what's wrong with me how come I'm not having
that spiritual awakening I'm over 10 years of sobriety and I want to kill myself and by the way
I did me I had a friend in AA who killed himself and he hung himself and I was like whoa why why
alcoholism is real and it's not about the drink or about what we put in our body it's about when we
get sober and the solutions are in the steps and having the willingness I don't even know honestly
one of the things that happened for me is that I found God throughout this journey right it was
like okay uh I'm lonely nobody cares about me I'm in a victim mode um I'm pushing people away I'm a
runner and I realized that but I don't really really know that until I did some step work
which was in this year I did the step work with a sponsor and that sponsor was like oh no no no no
we're gonna do the steps are you are you done with your fourth step okay let's read it are you
done with your fifth step we're done with your fifth step okay now we know what the problem is
she's like okay here's your deck your character defect all right now we're moving to the eighth
step okay so now you guys I'm doing the steps and so now I'm doing my immense so how do I find out
bless you how do I find out that um that I'm selfish and self-centered and dishonest even
and all even when I am sober and I'm going out there in the world and I don't understand why
you hate me and I don't realize that I hate myself and um so I start going back to AA I get a sponsor
I get busy and I'm in this sense of desperation I don't care what you want me to do whatever it is
that you want me to do I'll do it right and now I I realize I've been abandoning myself if I don't
show up to alcoholics anonymous I'm abandoning myself I'm doing hard to myself and I remember my
sponsor told me that because I was like well nobody really likes me I don't have any friends
you know I I'm not playing well in the playground so why do like what's the purpose me me me me what
can I get from you right you guys all of these years I was under the radar I thought right I
wasn't hurting anyone else except myself I didn't realize that having a little job here in alcoholics
anonymous was going to give me self-esteem I didn't realize that it was going to take me out
there and I was going to be of service to someone else automatically because you taught me that I
have so much relief and I'm super grateful that I surrender one more time I found that God of my
understanding the God that I was mad at because I'm like how dare you give me a father like this
you know why because that father I love I love my dad I love my mom they were my parents and it was
really hard to understand why when I stopped thinking about the why and found some kind of
forgiveness not just for them what was my part in this with my parents I ignored I I did there's
nothing worse I don't know about you guys but when someone ignores you and you're an alcoholic
it hurts you know you feel so rejected that it's like oh I don't like that I don't like when
you're not looking at me I don't like when you're not paying attention to me you know because it's
all about me right I'm not asking you about you I'm not really interested in you right so that's
exactly what I did with my parents I mean it doesn't matter I did it with them I'm gonna do
it with the rest of the people right so um with my parents um when my mom was passing away I was
I was barely scratching the surface I hadn't done step work and I remember my mom said you are
different and something has shifted it neat long enough for her to see it but then I went back
to my to myself like it's like I can't think of the word but I it was just like I'm too scared
it's all about me blaming it that I don't have the right sponsor to tell me exactly what to do
I mean that could have been true right because I I need you guys to tell me to give me direction
sometimes right because I don't know I'm coming from a child-like experience I guess if that's
what you want to call it so when my mom passed away um I wanted to die that's when when it all
happened I was like oh my god I want to die and I didn't know why it's because I had so much guilt
because I couldn't be present because it was about me one more time because why was it I the one to
make decisions for her why was I the one to why why why why why right so um when I started doing
the steps again I realized that I was the runner somebody was and it made it so light that I
understood because when I did the steps I was like oh I get it okay so when my so by the way um my
when my dad died I knew he was um but it it really did affect me um because they made it safe enough
to remember everything and it made it safe enough for me to to just get the help I needed and I got
it you know and the recovery has been amazing it's gonna be a long life recovery just like alcoholics
anonymous but I'm super grateful for that um so when he died that that's what happened the next
thing that happened was um my ex-husband was one of us he uh alcoholism and drug addiction took him
and um he's oh this is hard for me to talk about um he ended up going to jail a couple times like
we hear here in alcoholics anonymous and he was deported and when he got deported he ended up in
a small town he thought it was just as easy to get drugs there as it was here and he ended up getting
killed by the cartels and my children suffer from that they were devastated because um they heard
the whole story about how they they made an example of him and if you thought that that that was even
possible but alcohol alcoholism and drug addiction takes us to all kinds of places and that was really
devastating for me it it affects everyone around us you guys it affected my kids like you don't know
my my my younger daughter was 12 11 or 12 and when she you know everyone was talking about it
all the other kids so they told her how he died and you can never protect your children from
addiction from alcoholism they will take us down and thank god that she had a sober mom right um
until this day she says i can't have a boyfriend i can't i can't there's there's something there
that blocks me because i still remember my daddy you know and uh so i'm bringing this up to you
guys because maybe someone's in here that needed to hear that you know that the people you mostly
love we take them with us we can take them with sobriety right spirituality or we could take them
with the disease you know um so that was really hard it it was just like every year i had a death
for about five or six years i don't even remember how long but the second death was a fancy that i
had for eight years and she was like my bestie we were back together at a meeting we did everything
she died suddenly from meningitis she was a teacher and she was on the news and it was just
a big deal and i was in shock and i don't do well with death you guys not sober but i i've learned
that with god i can do anything and with you guys today then when she died i was like i can't i can't
handle the emotions i don't know that's that's what i was doing i was running so i ran away from
that home group i never went back to that friday night meeting i left right and it impacted me so
much that i was like i can't connect with women anymore it's too scary subconsciously i mean we
do this subconsciously right and i was like okay i can't do this i can't do this and um then my mom
died and i was like okay god that's a lot yeah i can't do this anymore that brought me to the
journey that i am right now the journey that i am right now is that i have an amazing sponsor that
i and i have an amazing home group and an amazing god and i believe in god like i never believed
before so it took me a long time but i'm super grateful for that why because when you failed me
i know god's there for me right and when i feel like i used to feel like i was a piece of crap
when i feel like i'm that person right with all the messages all the negative thoughts all the
criticisms oh my god you did that wrong you didn't speak this way whatever it was you know that i'm
hearing about myself i know today that i am a loving human being just like all of you guys
and i know that when i'm judging you i'm judging myself and i know that when you have an issue with
me or you judging yourself or you're judging me or i think you're judging me whatever it is right
that it's your problem and that i found through alcoholics anonymous because otherwise i want to
fight with every single one right every and most of it is in my head i won't tell you because i'm
going to be really nice hello how are you right but no no no no so that happened um so i i did
the steps and i'm in my eight step and um i found out so my my friend calls me oh let's backtrack
so when my ex-husband was deported in mexico and and all of that happened before that i i blocked
them from anything i was like i'm blocking him for facebook you know i i felt better than i'm
better than you i'm sober and you're still doing this stuff right this is alcoholism you guys it's
sensors in my mind all right i take everything else it's in here i'm over here no no no i don't
want to deal with you what i didn't understand is that i was i was running from the feelings
right i cared about that person he had been in my life forever right but i learned how to run since
i was a kid i learned how to run i had been a runner for a long time if you do me wrong
i'm gonna cut you off i don't know that i'm cutting you off because i'm just going i'm
just going i'm just living life without even knowing i actually i'm not living life i'm just
doing um so i'm doing the my step work and i'm like oh there there he is all right and then the
next person um so then my husband if i get mad at him i'm like i'm not gonna talk to you anymore oh
you're not talking to me we're not talking to each other right he has 35 years of sobriety too right
like we're both sober and um and it's painful because it's alcoholism it's the disease that's
center in my mind perfect it's the disease that's center in my mind and uh i don't know it and it's
painful and very lonely this is what i'm talking about when i don't you know i feel like everyone
hates me at work i feel like my kids don't want to be around me i don't like my husband much he
obviously doesn't like me much you know i don't have alcoholics anonymous i don't have friends
it's still thinking about me and i'm dying and i don't want to live and i have all this shame and
all this guilt and i don't know why so i finally you know i hear someone speak that i know in aaa
and i'm like can you sponsor me please and she didn't even tell me you need to go to this meeting
you need to do that she just said what meetings do you want to go to and i'm like i'll go to the
Wednesday night pacific group meeting i'll go to the friday i'll go to the saturday you know like
i'm just gonna do it and this is how alcoholism works even in sobriety a week later i'm like i
don't want to do that i don't i'm like why did i think that why do i i feel better i felt better
that's what it was i felt better momentarily so then she starts doing some things you know after
i'm going to that meeting i'm looking around i'm doing the same thing i did in every other meeting
i'm looking at you what can i get from you why aren't you my friend i thought alcoholics anonymous
is supposed to help the other person how come you're not helping me why aren't you reaching out
and giving me your hand and saying hello welcome or why aren't you opening up you know your arms or
your groove so you can tell me like like you know i'm valuable and i'm worth it and you like me
like you know all of this stuff right she's laughing um because that's what we do earlier
today someone from aa called me and she's like what did i do how come i'm not part of the group
and i was like welcome to alcoholism i say but there's a solution right and she goes i know you
have experience with that and it's because i'm transparent you guys i'm telling you this is how
alcoholism works i used to have a lot of shame and that shame is what kept me away from you
the fact that i wouldn't i couldn't tell you like i feel like i was weak like if i told you i need
you please don't ignore me i don't like it i don't like being rejected this is what it looks like to
me in my head it's not rejection and 99 of the time you guys are thinking of yourselves you know
and that's what i found out i'm like 99 of the time i'm thinking of myself too so i was you know
i started to get respectful and i was like ah nobody likes me i don't like to be here here we
go again um and it's my own head that's telling me you know what if you could only be funnier like
that person and the jealousy all of the character defense stars right so then i'm like nah i don't
know what she said to me and i was like you're done you're done so i'm like mustering you know
just mustering mustering the um the courage i don't want you to be my sponsor anymore thank
you so much i'm running you know and she knew i was a runner because i had told her and then
i met my match i met the sponsor who said oh no no no no no where are you oh no no no what step
are you on and i'm super grateful because god stepped in and here's how when we did the steps
when we did the step work we got to i think god she didn't criticize me or judge me right my mom
is very critical so in my in my head is like oh i hear her voices and uh in the comparison and despair
those are one of my biggest character defects i have to pray to god please sometimes just please
please please shut this head off right and it's moments like this when i'm with you guys and i
hear you and i hear your message that i'm like i belong because i have a sense of belonging i need
to belong somewhere where i'm understood where i can understand you yes i understand what you're
saying because it's me you are me so i wrote down um i wrote down all of my inventory we we read it
and when she gave me my character defects but she also said oh here here's the immense you're doing
this and this and this and that and we started we started writing them and the immense that i've done
so far is my mom's cement i went to the cemetery i made the immense just uh on today's saturday
yesterday i made those demands and i cried and i really meant it and i said it and what happened is
that i work at a hospital my mom died at that hospital so i kept going to that same place over
and over and over and over again and i started building resentment with the physicians and with
the place that i work and that is the worst thing to feel when you have a lot of guilt i had a lot of
guilt and what happened when i made those immense the guilt separated and it wasn't even when i made
them when i wrote them down when i wrote them down with my sponsor so when i wrote them down i went
to that hospital and by the way those people and the the my co-workers are my friends now so how
does that happen right my relationship with my daughter is so much better we had a heart-to-heart
conversation right my relationship with my husband touch and go you know marriages are hard right um
my i have nine sponces in such a short amount of time and it's because i'm loving and i'm
crying and i just tell them my experience and when they're hurting i don't beat them down when
they're hurting i pick them up and you know what when i used to hurt and you were hurting i was like
good i'm glad you're hurting because i am too you know and the fact is that how does that work i am
forever ever grateful the last thing i can tell you guys is that time up the last thing i can tell
you guys is that um this friend that died i also cut him off i cut him off a year ago for something
really petty and i had when i met him uh over 20 years ago we were working together and i stole
money from that company and um i had that's what i'm telling you like i had i had done the steps
and i'm like yeah i'm in my ninth step but i wasn't doing anything i was moving from sponsor
to sponsor from group home group to home group so what happened is um his sister texted me and said
hey jose passed away and you know the manager from that place we both worked at was there and
i was like oh i gotta tell my sponsor because jose would say hey you know so and so said that you
stole money but i don't believe it i wouldn't say yes or no and this was before sobriety this was in
sobriety right and so i i basically just really felt that shame in that remorse so what happened
was i i talked to my sponsor and she said okay what was the amount it came out with the amount
and she said oh that's a lot of money and i said well i'm willing to do whatever in the moment
afterwards i was like no i'm not i don't want to pay this money that's a lot of money but anyway
what i did is i um i called his sister and she she asked me in high regard and i told her i said
i want to make the amends i'm in this program and this is what what's going on and um she said she
said she was baffled she goes i don't know what you're talking about and then later on she said
to me she said i'll get back to you i'm gonna tell all my siblings about it and then i was like no
don't tell your siblings just you and so she did she called me the next day and she said we're
willing to take it and i said this is the amount of money i want to give you and she said that was
the money for his tombstone and how does that this is 20 years later and then i don't like to show up
to funerals because i don't like to feel and i showed up to the funeral on friday and to the
viewing on thursday and it was painful and i was a moment i felt dissociated but today i feel relief
because i closed that chapter in my life because of alcohol is anonymous and i am super grateful
for that because i have an amazing relationship with god with my children and i have an amazing
relationship with alcohol is anonymous and with everyone else and mostly i have an amazing
relationship with me and the peace that i have inside i could never ever experience it in any
other way thank you guys all do that