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 Tony alcoholic. Uh, sobriety date is June 2nd, 2003.

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 My sponsor is Michelle L and my home group is Bellflower big book group.

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 Um, it's an honor and a privilege to be asked. Thank you, Ben,

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 for asking me, texting me, reminding me all of it.

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 It was amazing. Um, and thank you Adam for your 10 minutes. Let's see. Um,

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 okay, so I'll start with, um, how I ended up getting here. Um, my dad, uh,

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 married a woman with 11 kids when I was nine and there was three of us,

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 my two oldest, older brother, younger brother, and,

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 and then he marries and he marries this family that has 11 kids.

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 So if that tells you anything, um,

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 most normal drinkers don't marry a woman with 11 kids.

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 So he obviously he had a heavy, heavy, heavy,

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 heavy drinking problem. And, um, I love that family. As a matter of fact,

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 um, I'm going to be going, um, back to New Mexico, um,

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 this Thursday to go help a nephew that's struggling from alcoholism.

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 So what happened is my dad married a woman with 11 kids.

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 That's resentment number one,

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 because he really loved that family and treated them like I got lost in the

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 midst. So in other words, I'm like third to the youngest. Um,

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 I lived with my grandmother most of, most of, um, my younger life.

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 And it wasn't until I was maybe, I don't know,

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 12 or 13 and I went to live with the Valdez family and

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 my dad and, um,

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 and my little brother stayed with them and my older brother had already been

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 living there. Um, so I live with this family. There's nine girls,

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 five boys. Um, we had one bathroom, um,

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 and we lived the railroad tracks was right behind our house. So I got,

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 I could sleep very well with a lot of noise if that tells you anything. Um,

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 so I'm back in New Mexico.

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 My dad kidnapped us from my mother, from my real mother.

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 And that's why the three of us ended up in New Mexico with my dad and

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 my mom lived here in California.

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 So I'm living with the Valdez family and my dad's crazy. Um,

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 he was a mailman and after he'd get off work at like three o'clock,

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 he would go directly to the bar drink till five o'clock and then he'd come

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 home and, um, have dinner and then he'd go lock himself in the bedroom.

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 Um, and my stepmother would go with him.

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 So we were kind of like free to do whatever we wanted. Um, I was the good kid,

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 got straight A's, would show my dad the report card, hated government by the way.

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 And so I got my very first D ever and I showed my dad my report card and he

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 says, why don't you just get some more of those? And then for them then on,

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 I never showed him my report card again and never cared about my grades again.

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 Because if he didn't care, why should I care? And, um,

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 although I did graduate from high school with very high scores,

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 I ran away when I was 15 from Albuquerque to here to my real mother.

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 And the reason for that is because we weren't allowed to have boyfriends till we

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 were 16. My sister Barbara was six months older than I was.

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 So she was 15. I was 15 and my dad pulled up next to the car.

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 She was in the car with the boy and I was with her and his friend,

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 but I didn't, I wasn't with the guy. I was just talking to him.

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 And my dad pulled up next to the car and he said, get out.

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 I took off running and he had a baseball bat and he hit that kid with a baseball

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 bat and broke his arm. And I said, that's it. He's crazy. I'm out of here.

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 And, um, I called my mom and my mom sent me an airplane ticket.

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 My dad took me to the airport and he said, um,

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 this is the best thing for you and I love you.

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 And that was the first time my dad ever said, I love you.

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 And I seek that validation until husband number three,

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 if that tells you anything. So I move out here.

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 My mom gave me permission to drink. She said, if you drink,

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 you drink in this house.

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 You don't drink outside this house until you're of age.

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 And that takes the fun out of it. I don't know about you,

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 but I like to be sneaky. So I was doing other, not drugs,

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 but I was doing other stuff other than like I was sneaking out boys mainly.

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 And, um, I got married, uh, let's see,

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 I got married when I was 20. I married, um,

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 I worked at a bank and I married the armor car driver. Um,

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 and he was one of us and he drank alcoholically and I didn't drink.

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 So I used to think, Oh, he loves me so much. He would stay,

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 he would sit out in the parking lot and wait for me to get off work,

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 drinking a six pack of beer. And I thought it's love. It's love.

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 He wanted to follow me home. No, he didn't trust me.

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 And he was worried because his other wife had cheated on him.

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 So he followed me like a crazy man. And, um,

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 that man hit me and I divorced him. I looked at him, I said,

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 no man will ever hit me. And I said, you signed your divorce papers.

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 And I left him and I meet husband number two and husband number two,

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 um, was, uh, number one in the nation,

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 jet ski racer traveled all over the place with him racing. Um,

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 he, I'll just say it. He, he was into cocaine.

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 I don't like sharing about that cause that wasn't my bottom,

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 but I got involved in that.

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 I checked into my very first rehab when I was 24 years old,

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 weighing 79 pounds, completely addicted to cocaine.

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 And I didn't realize it at the time, but they took me to an AA meeting and much

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 like this. And the woman was up here and she was talking about doing drugs. And,

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 and I thought I'm nothing like her. And she was, had kids. I have no kids.

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 So I just couldn't relate because I'm not an alcoholic.

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 That's what I told myself. I'm not an alcoholic, but the truth is,

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 I didn't realize I was drinking every day to level out. Right. And so,

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 um, and at weighing 79 pounds, you know, one drink and I'm legally drunk. So I,

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 I didn't realize I was an alcoholic, but I left that rehab and I drank, um,

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 I left that husband, um, like almost immediately. And, um,

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 that man ended up committing suicide. Uh,

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 I met husband number three now, mind you, I'm going to share this. Like,

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 it sounds like I don't like him very much, but we've been married 32 years.

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 We've been together 36. We were calculating it the other day. I said,

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 we've been together a long time. And then I realized my son's 35.

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 And so we've been together 36 years. Um, but I meet husband number three,

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 we didn't get married right away.

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 We had kids first because I don't want to get married because of the kids.

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 And I'm still doing the drugs and drinking and he's a normie.

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 And I drug that man through the dirt. I mean,

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 I did stuff married women shouldn't do.

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 I would leave him with the kids and go on vacation to Hawaii with my

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 girlfriends. Um, I would, he was a good, I mean, I don't want to say was,

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 he is a good man and I couldn't see it. And so,

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 I'm, um, towards the end of my drinking. Um,

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 if you're alcoholic, like I am, I could quit doing the drugs,

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 but I could not quit drinking. And so towards the end of my drinking,

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 I'm getting up at seven o'clock in the morning because that's when the liquor

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 store is open. I'm telling my kids to get up, get ready for school. Um,

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 my oldest son was 14. My youngest was at 12.

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 Um, I'm telling them, get up, get ready for school.

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 I'm going to go get some, uh, change for your lunch and a Coke.

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 Cause I used to drink a Coke every day. Um,

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 and so I get in my car and I would only make right-hand turns.

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 Don't ask me why, but the liquor store was on outside my cul-de-sac.

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 And so I would go to the corner and make a right-hand turn,

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 get to the liquor store and make a right-hand turn, go in, get the alcohol.

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 I drive out the parking lot, make a right because I didn't want to make a left.

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 I was afraid I would kill, you know, getting an accident.

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 So I'd make a right-hand turn, go to the next corner, right-hand turn,

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 right-hand turn down my street. And then I pull in my driveway.

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 And I did this every day for two years, two years.

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 And I didn't just do that because I would get my kids in the car.

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 I would take them legally drunk to school. So I would open the, you know,

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 I'd go in, I'd get a Coke and,

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 and the liquor store owner knew me and he would put the bottle next to my,

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 my soda. And I couldn't, my head was saying, don't do it.

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 You don't want to drink today. Don't do it. Don't do it.

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 And I would watch my hand pay for it. And I had no clue why I was doing that.

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 And so I would go and I'd open the bottle on the way to make my right-hand turn

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 out the parking lot. And I would, I would down at the end of my drinking,

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 trying to enjoy and control my drinking. I was drinking miniatures.

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 So I would open one miniature, drink it, throw the bottle out the window,

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 drive out the parking lot and go home, pick up my kids,

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 have one in the center console. I drop off my kids at school.

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 And then I would open the other one and then drive home.

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 And now I'm legally really drunk. And so I would sit there and I'd start the,

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 I'd get out the vacuum and then I would say, well,

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 I can't really vacuum or clean without another bottle.

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 So I would get in my car again and go to the next liquor store because I didn't

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 want them to know I was drinking that way. I'd buy two more miniatures.

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 I would go home. I wouldn't touch them. I'd go home. I'd be in my house.

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 And then I couldn't remember if I vacuumed or if I didn't vacuum. So,

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 but it was in the living room. So then I would go lie down. I would watch TV and,

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 and I'd pass out, but I, you know, have another one before I'd pass out.

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 And then when I'd wake up, I'd go, Oh my God, did I forget the kids from school?

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 Did I need,

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 do I need to get the kids and then my kids would end up walking home and I

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 didn't want them to see me drunk. So I would get under my bed.

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 I have a lot of shoes, so I couldn't hide in my closet. And, um,

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 so I would, I would hide under my bed and they would say, well, where's mom?

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 I mean, her car's here, but maybe she's over at the neighbors or whatever.

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 And they were, they would quit looking for me. And then I would come out from it.

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 I would hear them go out to play with their friends and I'd come out from

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 underneath my bed and I would go to the next liquor store because I have to get,

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 you know, or I would go to the first liquor store because now with time's passed

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 and, and, you know, I know my husband's coming home and, and I'm thinking,

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 Oh my God, he's going to come home. And, and I'm, you know,

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 I'm already drunk and I thought, okay, if I make dinner, he won't notice.

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 So I would start dinner and sometimes I start dinner too early and it would be

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 burnt or I would, I couldn't even start it. It all depends.

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 It was like playing Russian roulette,

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 whether I was going to be upright when he came home.

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 And this is my drinking every day for two years.

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 And every day I would go to that liquor store and I'd wake up in the morning and

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 I go, okay, Joanie, you can't drink today. You just can't drink.

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 The jig is up because I started talking. Never do that. By the way,

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 I started talking to my husband and saying, I think I'm drinking too much.

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 And he said, no, you don't drink that much. And I go, you're right.

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 So he was kind of my codependent or my, yeah, he co-signed my crap.

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 And so what happened is he would say, you're right. And I'd say, okay, well,

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 maybe I need to cut back and then I could do it. And then I couldn't do it.

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 And then I called my mom and I said, mom,

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 I'm seriously thinking I have a drinking problem. She goes, Joanie,

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 you drive me to the Laker games, you know, we go and you only have one drink.

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 And I'm thinking she's right.

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 But I don't tell her that I'm drinking before I even get in my car before I even

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 get to her house. Then I sneak and I go in the,

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 in the forum club or the press press club and get drinks down there.

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 And cause I have to go to the restroom and then, you know,

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 so it's like the cycle that I was having telling myself I'm having a

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 problem, but not listening to it. And I heard Adam say it,

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 and I'm going to say this. Um,

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 I was trying to control and enjoy my drinking,

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 but there was no control and there was no enjoyment in the end.

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 And what happened is my sister-in-law put herself in, um,

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 nursing school and she came to me and she said, Joanie,

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 I think you have a problem with alcohol. We're studying about it.

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 And I thought you don't know anything about me. And now mind you, I mean,

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 my husband's talking to her, telling her what I'm doing. She's,

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 she's studying it.

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 So obviously she knows that I have a problem and I'm not telling her the

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 truth.

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 And what happened is I get a phone call from my brother and my dad's dying from

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 alcoholism on the streets of Albuquerque. And she's in the hospital.

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 He weighed 98 pounds and he had pneumonia and he was dying.

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 He was in like, what is it? Delirium tremors.

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 Like he did, like he couldn't even communicate when I got home.

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 I went, I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous myself. I had tripped,

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 I had tripped, uh, and I don't know, I had the keys to my car in my hand.

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 And I don't know if I was coming back or going,

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 but I tripped and I kept this eye open and, um,

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 I bled, I didn't go to the doctor. I didn't do anything.

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 I just lied in my blood.

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 And my husband came home and he was like, wow, this is bad.

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 And so I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and it's funny cause it's this month,

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 October 7th, 2002. I walked in and I spoke to a woman.

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 I spoke, I said, I'm having trouble with drinking.

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 And this woman came up and gave me her number and I followed her for like two

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 weeks. She said, meet me at this meeting. So I'd meet her at the meeting.

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 And then, and then one meeting she didn't show up and on the way home I drank,

216
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 I thought she's just fooling me. She doesn't go to a meeting all the time.

217
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,840
 You know, it was like my head was talking to me. And, um,

218
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,120
 so I drank and so I struggled in and out, in and out,

219
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,200
 but there was a couple of things I heard.

220
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,360
 One was keep coming back until you hear what you need to hear.

221
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,560
 And so I went over and over and over again. I mean,

222
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:47,720
 I could go to a meeting every day, but here's the problem. When you do that,

223
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:51,440
 if you're an alcoholic of my type, you have a bottle in your car,

224
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,840
 you have a bottle in your boot and your cleavage.

225
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,640
 You hide a bottle somewhere so that when you get out of the meeting,

226
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,760
 you're going to drink,

227
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,240
 but you go because you're waiting to hear something you need to hear.

228
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:05,480
 That was my mentality then. And, um,

229
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,040
 I couldn't hear because that alcohol was calling me.

230
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:12,680
 It was louder than any of your voices. And so I kept drinking.

231
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:16,560
 And what happened is I got that phone call from my brother that my dad was dying

232
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:20,200
 and I got on the plane and I went to New Mexico and I was like,

233
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,240
 I was still struggling, like not, not drinking,

234
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,200
 but then I could go a couple of days and then I drank. And then I,

235
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,000
 so when he was dying, I got there and I was sober. And, um,

236
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:35,240
 my brother showed me where he had my dad's alcohol and I drank on my way home.

237
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:40,280
 Um, but what happened is I'm in the hospital and my sister, Barbara,

238
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,800
 the one that I was telling you about, we were the same age.

239
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:47,200
 She came to see my dad with her new husband. And, um,

240
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:51,880
 I said something about, I don't want to die like my dad. And she says, Joanie,

241
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,360
 me and my husband are sober and Alcoholics Anonymous. And she said,

242
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:58,760
 why don't we go to a meeting? And I said, okay. And I thought, man,

243
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,240
 if she can do it, I can do it.

244
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:05,040
 Now her sobriety date was 12 days before that

245
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,720
 October 7th date that I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous.

246
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,480
 And so if I would have stayed sober, we would have been 12 days apart,

247
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,320
 but I didn't, I, she had kept her sobriety date.

248
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:19,800
 I kept drinking until June 2nd, 2003. But here's the thing.

249
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,800
 I went to a meeting with her and I said, I don't want to,

250
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:24,360
 I don't want to die like my dad.

251
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,720
 And I was able to stay sober until my brother showed me the alcohol.

252
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,160
 And then I drank and I came home and then I was in and out, in and out,

253
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:35,720
 in and out and until June 2nd. But here's the deal.

254
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:40,480
 That sister called me every day from Albuquerque, saying, Joanie,

255
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:43,640
 just go to a meeting. And I said, I know Barbara, I know,

256
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:47,400
 but I couldn't tell her the truth. I can't get home out of my bedroom.

257
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,840
 I'm afraid to drive drunk. I'm afraid to go to a meeting.

258
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,440
 I couldn't just be honest with her. And she kept calling me every day,

259
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,120
 every day. And as a matter of fact,

260
00:15:56,120 --> 00:16:01,040
 when my sister-in-law walked into my house on May 29th, she said,

261
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,800
 I'm taking you to the hospital. I was on the phone with my sister, Barbara.

262
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,840
 And I said, she's going to take me to the hospital. And she said, okay, call me.

263
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:13,680
 And so I went to the hospital and went to the hospital and she had

264
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,640
 called around and got a phone number to a treatment center that would accept me.

265
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:22,160
 Because she took me to a chemical dependency doctor that said,

266
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:26,520
 if I can't spring 30 days together, then I need to be locked in like a lock

267
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:30,320
 facility, which there is no such thing unless you're imprisoned.

268
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:35,240
 Cause there is one program that it's a lockdown program, but this one, you know,

269
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,560
 you have the freedom to go and come if you want, you don't have to stay there.

270
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:43,560
 But, um, I called the place and I said, I can't stay 90 days. I can stay 60.

271
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:48,440
 That's what I committed to. And, um, I, uh, she took me to the hospital.

272
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,840
 It wasn't my first trip to the hospital. It was my second first one. I,

273
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:57,120
 they overmedicated me when I, when I got out, I was still loaded and I got drunk.

274
00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:01,880
 And so the second trip was this last trip that I went on May

275
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:02,600
 29th.

276
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:07,520
 I didn't pick May 29th as my sobriety date because they gave me medic medication

277
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:11,520
 to detox. So when I got out, it was June 2nd and they, she,

278
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,240
 my husband picked me up, drove me to the treatment center and on the way,

279
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:20,080
 I kept telling him to take me home because there was a bottle in my house and

280
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,480
 he said, I'm not taking you home. They told me to take you straight there.

281
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,520
 And so I proceeded to tell him, um,

282
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,320
 basically what I thought of him and, um,

283
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:32,800
 I told him that if he didn't change by the time I got out,

284
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,080
 that his gut was out. Now, mind you, I had no job.

285
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:40,040
 We had a mortgage payment and no job. I hadn't worked in a long time.

286
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:44,720
 And I'm telling him basically that he's, he's the problem. And he said, Joni,

287
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,760
 I just want the woman I married back. And I'll tell you that today,

288
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,560
 he has the best woman today.

289
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:54,120
 So I go to this recovery home and my first day they said,

290
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,480
 want me to go home? My first day I was a piece of work. So she said,

291
00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,960
 come sit over here, darling. And I said, no. And she said, go home.

292
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:05,480
 And I thought, who are you talking to me that way? And, um, but I did it.

293
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,800
 And the next, um,

294
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:12,160
 the next thing that happened is I got up in the morning. I had traumatic,

295
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:16,440
 um, uh, injury to my back and I'm not going to go through what,

296
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:20,840
 what I stupid thing I did to get that, but I could, I had trouble breathing.

297
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:25,360
 So I'm in, I'm trying to sleep and I get up in the morning. Somebody said,

298
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:28,600
 so how are you doing? And I said, Oh, I didn't sleep last night.

299
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:32,520
 I hadn't having trouble breathing. And they came out and they go, you,

300
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,840
 you're on hell silence. What does that mean? And they go, anybody talks to you,

301
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,200
 you go like this, you're not allowed to talk. And I thought, what did I do?

302
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,000
 But I didn't say anything. So I did it. I stayed on hell silence.

303
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,440
 I didn't realize that all I was doing was complaining. So they must've,

304
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,960
 I must've complained more than just that. I didn't sleep well.

305
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:54,360
 So they put me on hell silence and day three, um, they took a girl,

306
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:58,520
 came downstairs and I was in the kitchen cooking and she said, um, I said,

307
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,080
 how are you doing? I'm not supposed to be talking, but I said, how are you doing?

308
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,680
 And she said, I'm going to leave. I can't do this. I'm going to leave.

309
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:08,680
 And I said, Oh my God, you can't leave. If anybody's going to get this,

310
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,400
 it's going to be you. You have to stay. I said, it's very important.

311
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,800
 Even the director said that you're going to get,

312
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,680
 you're the one that's going to get this program.

313
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,680
 And they heard me trying to talk her into staying.

314
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,480
 They came out and they go, you're all hell silence. And I thought, okay,

315
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,440
 I don't know what I did for that, but okay. And, um,

316
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,920
 the third day if they said my name, I was going to leave and I didn't leave.

317
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,480
 And so at day two, I was helping a newcomer.

318
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:37,200
 I didn't even realize that was what we need to do to stay sober. But day five,

319
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,040
 a woman came in and she came in from the hospital just like me and she was

320
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,440
 scared. And I said, you're scared, aren't you? And she said, yes. And I said,

321
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:48,960
 tell me your story. And I made a friend. And then, um,

322
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,440
 day 10 was father's day. Um,

323
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,800
 I had bought my husband matchbox 20 concert tickets, my favorite band.

324
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,120
 So I'm self-seeking even when trying to be kind,

325
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,480
 I buy him tickets for father's day to my favorite band.

326
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,600
 And I was in lockdown.

327
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:08,160
 So I got on my knees for the first time because I wondered why everybody was so

328
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,000
 happy. And I wasn't. And, um,

329
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,160
 I got on my knees for the first time because I thought, well,

330
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,000
 maybe they're praying and I'm not. And I said, um, God,

331
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,640
 watch over my kids for me, make sure that they're safe. I said, um,

332
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,000
 still manipulating. I said, uh,

333
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,240
 I hope my husband has a good time at the matchbox 20 concert.

334
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:29,840
 I hope he doesn't take Craig because I don't like Craig very much. And, um,

335
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,680
 and I said, and send me a sign that my stepdad is with you.

336
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:38,200
 Send me a sign. Like I know you do it. I did this with my hand and I got him,

337
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,240
 uh, up in bed and I slept like a baby.

338
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,680
 And my stepdad died of a massive heart attack in Kauai.

339
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,280
 And he's one of those dads that everybody hopes for, you know,

340
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,920
 one that comes up to you and says, how are you doing? Do you need some money?

341
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,640
 You know, have you eaten? Let's go have lunch. One of those good guys.

342
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,000
 And he passed away. And I thought that was a dad I should have had, right.

343
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,640
 It cursed me later. So I, I come outside, the house manager goes,

344
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:04,520
 good morning ladies.

345
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:08,320
 She turns her back and she has a hang loose Kauai shirt on and that's where my

346
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:12,360
 stepdad died. And that was my sign. And I started crying. I said, Oh my God,

347
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:16,760
 there is a God. And he wants this for me. And the obsession to drink was gone.

348
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:21,600
 Like I haven't had that obsession since I got sober. I mean, I've got,

349
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,520
 you know, like I've had like, Oh my God,

350
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,280
 I think I'm going to drink and then I don't drink cause I call my sponsor,

351
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:31,200
 but it's never been like intense. Like it was before I said that prayer.

352
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:36,440
 So, so the, this is treatment for me, 30 days, first seven days,

353
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:40,720
 you don't really know you don't really know anybody. So you're uncomfortable,

354
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:45,360
 you're afraid. And somebody walks in and you recognize them about day seven.

355
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,160
 And you go, Oh my God, that's, that's the yoga lady.

356
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:53,240
 And so you remember somebody and then day 15 through 17 and sometimes quickly,

357
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,720
 sometimes slowly you go, I don't need this. I can,

358
00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:00,400
 I could go home and do this on my own. Well, let me tell you, if you could,

359
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,280
 you wouldn't be in treatment, right? You wouldn't be in treatment.

360
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:08,280
 So I was talking to myself and I finally told myself to shut up and a day 28 I

361
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:13,200
 said, you know what? I'm only going to stay 30 days.

362
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:17,280
 I'm just going to do the 30 days I'm going to go home and I'm going to go to my

363
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:21,440
 own meetings and I'm going to call that lady that I never called, right?

364
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,920
 Sponsor in name only.

365
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:27,320
 And I said it out loud and the director said, ladies, talk to her.

366
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,520
 And if somebody said, Joni, you made a commitment to stay 60 days.

367
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:36,640
 Why are you going back on your own commitment to yourself for your own sobriety?

368
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,160
 And I thought, Oh my God, they're right.

369
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:42,440
 So I made a commitment to stay 60 days on day 60 when I was going home.

370
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:46,200
 Cause then it got easy. Like I was on a pink cloud. I was being of service.

371
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:50,640
 I was helping talking to the new girls helping out and day 60 I'm ready to go

372
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:55,280
 home and this girl pulls me aside and she was a volunteer and she said,

373
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:58,240
 you don't got it. And I thought, what do you mean I don't got it?

374
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:02,280
 I'm going to go home and I'm going to come back and I'm going to volunteer every

375
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,760
 day. And she said, you don't got it. You think you got it,

376
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:06,800
 but you don't have it.

377
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:11,560
 You have no fear about going home where you used to drink. And I was like, Oh,

378
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:15,920
 she's right. And so she goes open the big book to page 24 and at the top of

379
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:20,240
 page 24, it says at a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic,

380
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:24,960
 he passes into the state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of

381
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,440
 absolutely no avail.

382
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:30,880
 This tragic situation has arrived long before it is suspected.

383
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:35,120
 We are without defense against the first drink. And she goes, I go, okay.

384
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:38,520
 And she goes, read it again. And I read it again. And I looked at her and I go,

385
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:43,800
 Oh my God, I can't ever drink again. Like I, today I have the power of choice.

386
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,680
 And I said, but if I drink even one drink,

387
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,440
 I will no longer have the power of choice. I will lose that.

388
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:51,560
 And she said, you're right.

389
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:55,120
 And then the next paragraph talks about there's a solution and we could,

390
00:23:55,120 --> 00:24:00,000
 we forget about the humiliation and of even a week or

391
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,840
 a month ago. And I was like, Oh my God,

392
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:07,520
 I don't want to ever forget what brought me here. And so I did, I went home. Uh,

393
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:12,400
 I, there was no contact with your male contacts. So I went home,

394
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:16,400
 my husband hadn't seen me for 60 days. And, um, I, he,

395
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:20,360
 when he came home from work, I was in the living room and he was like, amazed,

396
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:24,120
 like he brought tears to his eyes and he called all his friends,

397
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:26,320
 come over and see Joni. You're not going to believe this.

398
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:30,400
 And they'd come over like every now and then. And I was like, stop calling them.

399
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,920
 They're looking at me like I'm a new puppy, you know?

400
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:37,640
 And so I started going to meetings and I started going to Bellflower

401
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:42,760
 and that meeting was so instrumental in my sobriety because it was such

402
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:43,960
 a huge fellowship.

403
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:48,440
 There's 400 people in this meeting that sit pretty much in the same seat every

404
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:53,440
 Monday night. And, um, I started going there. Um, I got it,

405
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,000
 I got a sponsor at six weeks sober,

406
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,000
 not the same woman that I said I was going to go home to. Um,

407
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,680
 I got a sponsor at Bellflower sponsor and she was very instrumental in my

408
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:06,280
 sobriety. I'm going to go really fast right now cause I'm almost out of time,

409
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:11,160
 but I went home, that sister was sober. She called me,

410
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:15,320
 asked me to come and speak at her home group. I'm making arrangements with her.

411
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,200
 I call her, I say, let me know when I can come out.

412
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,960
 And then I get a phone call from my little sister and she goes, Joni, uh,

413
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,040
 I need you to go on the news. Um,

414
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:28,720
 they found Barbara's car on fire and they think she's in the trunk. And I said,

415
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:33,040
 what do you mean? And she's, she's had just sent me her 90 day chip. Now,

416
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:38,040
 mind you 21 years ago, I was talking to my sister 21 years ago.

417
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:41,320
 She died when I was not quite a year, two years sober.

418
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:46,040
 She sent me her 18 month chip and they've killed, she was, uh,

419
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:50,680
 killed November 4th, 2005 and she saved my life.

420
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:55,760
 She saved my life. And, um, you know, so here's what happened at a year sober.

421
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:59,760
 I broke my foot. Didn't take anything for pain. Not one thing.

422
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:04,000
 I took aspirin. Then my husband gambled our house into foreclosure.

423
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,760
 Our cars were being repossessed. Life is, I was going to be homeless.

424
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,920
 And you know what? I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to get drunk.

425
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:15,760
 And I put it out there to a group of drunks, G O D.

426
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:20,280
 Um, and I told the group and the group started giving me solution like here,

427
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:24,120
 this is what you can do here. Call this person here, do this. And my sponsor,

428
00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:25,600
 I said, I don't know what I need to do.

429
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:29,480
 I need to go get a job and I need cause I make good money when I work. And, um,

430
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:32,860
 my sponsor goes, really, is that what you need to do? And I said, thank you.

431
00:26:32,860 --> 00:26:35,880
 And I said, um, I said, no, you know what I need to do?

432
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,400
 I need to sit back and let my husband fix it himself.

433
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,040
 And what happened is still I'm in fix it mode. I called,

434
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:47,120
 I called my sugar daddy and asked him if he could give us the money to get our

435
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:51,800
 house out of foreclosure. And we're talking like $10,000. And he said, sure,

436
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,860
 come over and get it tonight. And so he called me and said, don't come over.

437
00:26:55,860 --> 00:26:58,160
 I'm not feeling well. And I said, okay. He said,

438
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,220
 just come get the money tomorrow. And I said, okay, God must have known.

439
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:05,440
 I wouldn't be able to live a sober woman if I had that bad behavior.

440
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,400
 And what happened is he died that night.

441
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:12,240
 And what happened is my mom ended up helping us get out of

442
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:16,920
 foreclosure. And, um, that sister was, was killed then.

443
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,960
 And I've been able to stay sober. My dad died from alcoholism.

444
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,640
 My little brother died from a motorcycle accident. Um,

445
00:27:24,660 --> 00:27:29,660
 he was a heroin addict and they couldn't find a vein in his body to give him the

446
00:27:29,660 --> 00:27:33,960
 antibiotics. And he got gangrene in his legs and he died from the infection.

447
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,400
 And, um, let's see what else is my oldest son, uh,

448
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,160
 tried to commit suicide.

449
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:43,600
 He was hurt in the military and was off for three years.

450
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:47,320
 My youngest son made me a grandmother when he was 16.

451
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:51,760
 And that little girl is 16 years old today. And she, or yeah, today.

452
00:27:51,780 --> 00:27:54,520
 And she's never seen her grandma drunk. And, um,

453
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:58,480
 she was at my house today and we were watching K dramas and we spent the whole

454
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,440
 day just lying in bed, her and I laughing and joking.

455
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:05,040
 And then she had her first kiss last weekend and she got,

456
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:09,960
 she told me about it and I cried because she trusts me enough to tell

457
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:14,720
 me what's going on with her life. I have a total of six grandkids. Um,

458
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,700
 let's see what else. Oh, the husband that I married,

459
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:22,680
 I never knew there could be a love so great and I could have missed it all.

460
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,760
 If I would have continued drinking and continued with bad behavior,

461
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,000
 I could have missed it all.

462
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:33,000
 I love that man more than the day I married him and I'm truly blessed.

463
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:36,660
 Um, let's see. Um, I work in recovery. Um,

464
00:28:36,660 --> 00:28:40,760
 I work with the prison population because that was my little brother's story.

465
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:46,080
 And since he's gone, I now get to help people that are coming out of prison,

466
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:50,660
 that may or may not want recovery. But that doesn't matter.

467
00:28:50,660 --> 00:28:52,840
 What matters is I'm there to plant a seed.

468
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:57,760
 And that's something that was taught to me by you guys. You know,

469
00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:02,040
 it's my job isn't to do it for them, you know? And I,

470
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:06,660
 I have a tendency, like I'll, I'll go to bat with your disease, you know,

471
00:29:06,660 --> 00:29:10,920
 hand in hand. But the moment I figure I'm not getting anywhere, I surrender.

472
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:14,200
 I'm not going to fight harder than you are. And, um,

473
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,760
 what happened is one of the gentlemen that I was fighting hard for, uh,

474
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:22,400
 ended up going home and died within two days. And it happens, it happens. Um,

475
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,000
 but I love being sober. There's,

476
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:29,920
 there's no amount of money I can pay for the life I have today. Good, bad,

477
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:34,280
 or indifferent. I'm carrying a message because that sister I'm flying home.

478
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:39,200
 I'm going home on Thursday because my nephew is suffering from alcoholism and he

479
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:42,400
 called me and he said, auntie, I need help when you come in.

480
00:29:42,420 --> 00:29:45,320
 Can you take me to a meeting? I said, I'll be there in two weeks.

481
00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:48,200
 And you know why it was two weeks? Cause I had this commitment.

482
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,240
 So I've been talking to him every day,

483
00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:52,800
 telling him you need to cut back because he can't,

484
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:56,800
 he's not going to stop without somebody physically helping him or being there.

485
00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:59,160
 So I said, I'll be there on Thursday.

486
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:02,400
 I get there on Friday and first thing we're going to do is go to a meeting.

487
00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:06,000
 He's going to go to work on Saturday and Sunday, but I'll be there until,

488
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:06,560
 you know,

489
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:10,620
 and I'll get him connected with AA cause that's what my sister did for me and

490
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:13,760
 what you guys do for me all the time. Thank you so much.

491
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:18,600
 Thank you. Thank you, Adam. That's a great share.