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 She's still will drink from time to time, but she doesn't drink alcoholically and and for a long time

2
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 I used to say my stepfather was a heavy drinker

3
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 potentially potential alcoholic, but then he came to a

4
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 He's alcoholic

5
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 But as a kid, I always hated my name. I thought Ben was a wussy's name

6
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 It seemed to me that everybody was cooler than I always named Mike, you know

7
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 So we would play cops and robbers or Cowboys and Indians

8
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 I just go, you know, call me Mike just call me Mike and they call me Mike for a little while

9
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 They screwed up and I get pissed off and when I was about seven years old

10
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 My brother was born and they named him Mike and I always hated that little bastard

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 And I just I had this discontent this feeling like things were not quite right. I

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 You know, I would whatever you had I would think if I had that it would make me feel better

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 You know

14
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 And I think if I got that hat everything would be okay and I would get that hat or one like it

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 It filled this hole for a short period of time the hole would open up again

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 I think if I got that bike if I got that bike everything would be okay and and

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 And it would fill up that hole for a short period

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 I'm just creating this vicious cycle of trying to find something outside myself to make me feel better on the inside and

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 You know and if I'm not careful today that can still be a problem

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 my my friend says my my

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 my well-being

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 Has a lot to do with how many Amazon boxes show up at my doorstep?

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 You know if I'm sitting on my couch going I need I need I need you know, but I

24
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 Maybe I

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 had that discontent and

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 You know, but from the outside perspective it probably didn't appear that way

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 From the outside perspective people would say, you know, everyone likes you you have plenty of friends

28
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 It was wasn't hard for me to get friends. I just didn't feel like it. You know, I just didn't feel like that and

29
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 when I was about 10 years old, my father my stepfather had a job opportunity down in Huntington Beach and

30
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 he said how'd you like to move down to California as if I had a choice and

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 work were

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 Six months later in a moving van and driving down it

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 I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to get together. I thought I'm gonna be a guest appearance on The Simpsons when it isn't

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 It's gonna be great. And you know, I just couldn't wait and we're driving down the

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 Hollywood sign I think this is it, you know, and we drive another 45 minutes to an hour

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 two hours

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 there's traffic to Huntington Beach and I

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 would I realized I wasn't going to be making it to

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 Hollywood on my bicycle and and it's funny is my first friend in California was this kid named John and John had just been in a

40
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 Hot Wheels commercial and you know, and I hated I secretly hated him

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 And but I wanted to be friends with him because he was in the Hot Wheels commercial

42
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 maybe you could get me in but I didn't like him very much and

43
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 as I

44
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 moved a couple more times and I

45
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 Remember being in elementary school right before going into junior high and and I were in this parent-teacher conference and you know

46
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 You hear a lot of people. There's a lot of people with potential in a you know, and

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 She did not say that I had potential. She said, you know, you might want to think about a

48
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 trade but I

49
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 I

50
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 went into junior high and

51
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 You know, hey, I barely graduated junior high normally here

52
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 I barely graduated high school or barely graduated college

53
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 But I'm an overachiever when it comes to being a loser and I barely graduated junior high and that summer

54
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 Is that my friend's house and my all my friends been drinking by this point? I always told myself

55
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 I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to be like my father. I'm not gonna be like my grandfather

56
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 I knew that it was alcohol that made them live the way that they lived in

57
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 this thing happens when you're excited to do something for me that makes me excited and I forgot about all that stuff and

58
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 waiting for these 40s and Mickey's to show up and they show up around 1050 and I have to be home at 11 and my

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 friend takes me outside and

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 Like talks to me about how to drink it really fast and I drink this 40 real fast

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 I start skateboarding home and I get this wave of comfort. I get this feeling like everything's gonna be okay

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 and I knew that alcohol was gonna be the I'm gonna do this as often as I possibly can and

63
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 almost immediately

64
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 Gonna try to limit myself, you know, I'm only gonna do it on the weekends or parties

65
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 you know and in a week or two, I'm

66
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 Wednesdays aren't okay. And then once you drink drinking on Wednesday

67
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 You're gonna drink too

68
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 So I do that now with diets actually, but I

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 Didn't as often as I can and I'm in high school at this point and counselor sits me down and says

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 you're gonna need to go to an accelerated school to get the credits to graduate on time and

71
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 Thanksgiving I go to my aunt uncle's house and my and my aunt feels guilty that I'm having some of these things and

72
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 She's she likes to feel guilty. So it's not okay

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 But she felt bad about it and she goes how do you know we'd like to pay for you to go to modern

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 Private Catholic school in Santa Ana and and I have here heard about kids who go to this school

75
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 They go to they go there. They they join a sport. They get good grades

76
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 They go into great colleges and have great lives and I think you know, maybe that's it. I heard Catholic girls were easy

77
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 So that was a blessing

78
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 But then the second thought is is they're gonna drug test me. I don't want to stop drinking said no, that's okay

79
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 I'm gonna go to independent studies and I go into independent studies. I go to school

80
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 we could get these little packets and I go home and I drink every day and

81
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 do my little packets in my room and barely leaving my house and

82
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 Wait for my I started to get in this routine

83
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 I'd wait for my friend Jeff to get out of school and go over his house

84
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 We would get a couple Miller highlives and we watched dazed and confused every day

85
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 And I think all good alcoholics we get into some sort of routine and I and I mean, I'm still to this day

86
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 I like routine, you know, I just like I know what's what what's going to happen what I'm gonna do, but

87
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 that was my routine and

88
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 And we did this every day. I started to think, you know, if I go back to regular high school, it's gonna be like that

89
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 You know, I'll only drink on the weekends. I'm gonna drink at parties

90
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 I'm gonna go to school and join a sport and it'll be just like that and I get my grades back up and

91
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 It was a fourth of July

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 2000 and I met my friends outside. Oh, they stayed away from hallucinogens

93
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 I had a friend took too much accident. They found him walking up and down West Mr. Bull are totally naked

94
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 and I didn't really want any part of that, but

95
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 Didn't think it was working so I took 30 some odd shots at various different types of boost and

96
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 Went home that night. Well, I ran home that night

97
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 so it's clearly

98
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 working but I

99
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 Jumped the fence and normally what I would do when I would get home, you know, good night mom go right to bed

100
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 And for whatever reason that night, I just wanted to chat and walk in the house and I go how you doing mom?

101
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 How was your fourth of July and she goes come here?

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 You know and gets in my face and she's standing about six inches away from me and she goes blowing my fat my face

103
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 I go

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 and she goes you've been drinking had to do and takes me over my friend's house and and

105
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 My mom doesn't know any of the people that I'm hanging around with because my mom is the type of mom that likes to ask questions

106
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 You know and if you're hanging around the type of people I'm hanging around with they don't know the answers to this question

107
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 so you just keep them away, but I'm drunk enough to tell her where it was and

108
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 We go over there and she's yelling at four or five friends down the stairwell

109
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 She's going on it and my friend passed walls at the top of the stairs and he goes we don't care just leave

110
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 You know my good friends and he still had a penis and sharpie on his face from the night before

111
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 he was always falling asleep and

112
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 Yeah, I

113
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 Quickly realized what they meant. I know one had to explain to me, you know, we step on the toes of our fellows in every town

114
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 but I

115
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 left there and and I always told myself if I get into trouble, I'm gonna stop and

116
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 All that happened was I started doing worse things in order to get what I needed and my first sponsor says that

117
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 We drink for as long as we can and then we drink for about eight months after that

118
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 And that's basically what I did it and it just kept getting worse and worse and worse and I go back up to Washington

119
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 to visit my real father and by this time he's my drinking buddy and we're drinking around the clock and

120
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 My grandmother hears that I've been drinking and she comes over and sends me down in the car and she's you know

121
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 Telling me how my actions make her feel and and and I'm you know, just warning me about alcohol and

122
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 They said I'm gonna stop my son to stop and I get out of that car and I continue doing what I'm doing and I come

123
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 home and

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 My mom takes me to a family counselor and my stepfather's not there. He's done with me by this point and

125
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 We're in this family counseling session for about 30 minutes and

126
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 The counselor says, you know, what is it you need from your mom? And well, she never takes me shopping

127
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 I was about to go back to regular high school. I wanted some new clothes and the counselor said why don't you take him?

128
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 She'll spend some time with him and we never went to any more family counseling sessions

129
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 that

130
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 And I get to school the first day. I'm going to that different school so I could be a different person

131
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 I don't always have this idea that I'm just gonna like recreate my life recreate who I am

132
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 So I can be somebody different and and I get to school that first day and I'm walking through the campus

133
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 I feel like everybody's staring at me. My skin is crawling. I can't handle being there

134
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 And I had to leave and I had to drink and I do this pretty much every day

135
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 Over the next month and a half. I think I went to school

136
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 Cut well, I had this history teacher that would let me sleep

137
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:45,340
 so I would go into history take a nap and then leave school again, but

138
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:51,200
 month and a half goes by and I get arrested outside of the school and I

139
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 Go into this youth shelter and I I'm in this youth shelter for a couple weeks

140
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 And and I start to think that you know now I have what it takes now

141
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,880
 I have the ability to not drink anymore

142
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:09,960
 You know, I've been separated from alcohol for this period of time and and and I had you know

143
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 It talks about it in the book, but I had this type of confidence that I wasn't going to drink

144
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:19,360
 I I knew I wasn't gonna drink and everything was going to be different now and

145
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 I get out of that place and I haven't had a drink for a couple weeks at that point and

146
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 I get to school that first morning and and you know, I I'm not gonna drink again, you know

147
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 Just repeating this in my head. I'm not gonna drink. I'm not gonna drink

148
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:39,940
 I'm not gonna drink and I see my friend Jeff in the hallways and and he says hey you want to get out of here?

149
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 I'm not drinking anymore. I'm not gonna drink it says Tim. Just got a bottle of Jack Daniels and a new bump

150
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:47,680
 It'll all start tomorrow, you know

151
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:53,560
 and every day after that is I'm gonna start tomorrow start tomorrow start tomorrow and

152
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 This funny thing happens once I even I don't haven't even taken a drink yet

153
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:06,120
 but the moment that I decide that I am going to drink that day this incredible weight comes off my shoulders and

154
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:13,080
 another month or so goes by and I come home one day and I'm arguing with my mom because I haven't been showing up to

155
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 School and we're arguing for 20 minutes and I just had no more fight

156
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:21,600
 You know, I this that prior month and a half or so every day

157
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 I'm trying not to drink it and and I'm under the I'm starting to realize I'm not going to be able to do it on

158
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 My own and and I just said I can't stop drinking and she said I will get you some help and she puts me into

159
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:38,620
 this outpatient treatment center in we're in this outpatient treatment center for a couple weeks and and

160
00:12:38,620 --> 00:12:44,040
 This weird thing happens to me when I feel like alcohol is being taken away

161
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:49,760
 I have to drink even more and I had a friend tell me that a couple of these other things

162
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:54,240
 Would come out of my system fast. So I start you doing those two and

163
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:58,400
 After two weeks, they said my drug alcohol level was higher than when I come in

164
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:02,960
 And either I needed to stop or I needed to leave I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop

165
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:07,240
 I left I stole some money from my parents. I ran away from home

166
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:11,280
 I'm staying in my friend's shed behind his house. And when I say shed, it was nice

167
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,880
 It was you know had carpet on the ground and had some blankets

168
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:21,580
 And I start drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels every day

169
00:13:21,580 --> 00:13:28,640
 And I start to realize like it would always look like I would while drinking I would I would go well

170
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,520
 I'm not that guy, you know

171
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:35,100
 See, you know someone I thought you know had just fallen apart. Everything would fall

172
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:42,440
 During this two-week period I'm like, I'm that guy what happened what happened?

173
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:46,000
 I don't understand how to get out of this anymore. I

174
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,600
 blacked out one day and

175
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:54,860
 I came to I was right new and I came to her and midnight walking out of a Hollywood video with the video stuff under my

176
00:13:54,860 --> 00:14:00,440
 jacket and I came to as the buzzers were going off and kind of looked behind me and was

177
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:06,520
 Just keep walking and I kind of kept walking outside and two people came outside and said, you know

178
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:13,180
 Hey get back in here. And and again, I just had no fight and I turned around and went back inside

179
00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:16,360
 Westminster Police Department picked me up and

180
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:21,680
 Mom comes to pick me up from the police station and probably by 2 in the morning at this point

181
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:27,880
 I get into her car and she looks like she hasn't slept in days and she's been crying and she says Ben

182
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:28,720
 I can't do this anymore

183
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:32,700
 If you want to live your life like that, you're gonna have to do it some every time I hear the phone ring

184
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,700
 I think the cops got you

185
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:40,120
 And I never wanted to make feel like that I never wanted to treat her the stream

186
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,640
 You know as a kid I would tell her

187
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:47,480
 Some beach and do all these things. I thought it was gonna be a basketball player

188
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:56,520
 In that situation most people would say I'm sorry the change they're gonna do it anymore

189
00:14:56,520 --> 00:15:00,120
 I laughed at her treated like she was stupid

190
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:04,860
 The next morning. I got to a fistfight with my stepfather. There was a string

191
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:07,480
 Christmas Christmas morning. I

192
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,520
 Get a call from my mom around 8 9 in the morning

193
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:18,860
 My dad had taken my brothers and sisters to church and says, why don't you come over have some breakfast with me?

194
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,040
 And I go over there and I have every intention of being a good kid

195
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,720
 every intention of being who she taught me and

196
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,840
 I

197
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:34,160
 Get there. She said something. I didn't want to hear and started breaking things at the house and pushing her

198
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:38,280
 she called the police and the policing favor there in seconds and

199
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:42,240
 these two police officers are standing in front of their doors and

200
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:46,840
 They just said get the hell out of here kid. Get out of here

201
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:50,560
 You don't belong here anymore. And I left there. I went to this grocery store

202
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,760
 I stole two tall boys and Mickey's and I just wanted to recapture that first drink

203
00:15:54,760 --> 00:16:00,300
 Why that feeling like everything was gonna be okay all the little problems in my life. We're gonna work themselves out

204
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:03,680
 but for whatever reason it didn't do what I needed to do that morning and

205
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:10,680
 I knew that it was gonna be this over and over and over again. It was never gonna get any better

206
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,680
 it was only gonna get worse and

207
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,480
 Starting to think that maybe I'm schizophrenic

208
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,080
 There's got to be something seriously wrong

209
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:24,400
 Had an aunt who was schizophrenic and I thought maybe that's got to be it and

210
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:31,100
 social services stepped in and said that I was I either had to go to an inpatient treatment center or they were gonna take me

211
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:37,120
 Away until I was 18 and I went in to this other youth shelter and there for a week or two

212
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:46,600
 You know, we it was about two weeks but I'm in there and ran away from there for a period came back and

213
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:54,680
 And I I'm just experiencing this misery that I can't even express. I just want to die

214
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,740
 I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this and

215
00:16:58,740 --> 00:17:01,480
 You know, I want to take you with me

216
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:06,780
 But on January 11th, I left there and I'm gonna go home

217
00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:10,600
 I'm gonna grab some things the next morning. I'm gonna go into this treatment center

218
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,920
 You know, and I think that I'm gonna go into this place. I'm gonna learn their language

219
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:19,520
 I'm gonna get everybody back on their side and everything's gonna be like it looks there's no possible way

220
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:24,480
 I'm gonna be able to stop drinking on a whole time basis, but I'll go into this treatment center and get everybody back

221
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:30,600
 That night was my last drink here. It wasn't particularly my worst drunk and

222
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:35,560
 Telling all of my friends and I'll see you guys in six months and go home

223
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:42,020
 Next morning and take you into this place and this first person that I meet is a woman named patio

224
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,560
 You know

225
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,560
 the woman

226
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:51,680
 Another woman there says, you know, you remind me a lot like her. She was very angry, too

227
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:55,240
 But I look at this lady in like

228
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,120
 person, you know, I

229
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,440
 Realized later on. I realized that was a lot

230
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:07,480
 But I they started taking me to meetings about politics and I had been to meetings before that, you know

231
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,440
 But you know, there's no possible way that you guys are sober. I would see people take

232
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:19,120
 90-day trips and think you're just doing that because you think your p.o is watching, you know, and you know

233
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:25,920
 they're taking me these meetings and they start telling me to get a sponsor and you know in order for me to get to

234
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:34,140
 The next phase so that I can go home on weekends that I have to get a sponsor and and I started asking these guys

235
00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:38,520
 To sponsor me and one said I don't have enough time for you. Why don't you miss that guy right there?

236
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:48,240
 Just said screw this I'm not doing more another a couple weeks goes by it's in mid-february at this point and

237
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:55,480
 I see that I'm talking to that lady Patti and telling her I can't find a sponsor. She says why don't you ask that guy?

238
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:03,080
 And there's this man named Andy and Andy had been sponsoring guys

239
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:10,680
 At that place and he was sober a long time six years, you know, I thought man that's forever

240
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:16,760
 You know, I walk outside. I said, hey, would you be my sponsor? He didn't give me one of these lines

241
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:21,080
 Why don't you read this and get back to me? Why don't you call me for the next couple weeks and we'll see him

242
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:28,320
 He said willing to go to any length for victory over and but he he didn't he said even this way where it was like

243
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,840
 It better be yes, or I'm not messing with you

244
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:36,520
 And I said I'll do whatever you want me to do and he said I think he said all right

245
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,520
 He starts taking me through the book

246
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,360
 I

247
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:47,200
 Had rather checked I'd read at the doctor's opinion in a bill store and thought who cares how am I supposed to relate to this?

248
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:52,160
 Brinker in the 1920s. I don't even know what the hell a ticker is and you know

249
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:57,880
 I just didn't get it and you know, I had me identify which classification of alcoholic

250
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:03,600
 I was in the doctor's opinion and I thought it was the manic depressive type whom a whole chapter could be written and I

251
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:10,640
 Just wanted a chapter written about me and they relate to realize and I hate the way that it sounds but I'm the psychopath

252
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:15,800
 I'm always going on the wagon for keeps and make many resolutions with brain and decisions. That's the I'll start tomorrow

253
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,640
 I'll start tomorrow start tomorrow

254
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:24,400
 And I realized I related to bill more a lot more than I allowed myself to I wasn't stealing from my wife's purse

255
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:31,000
 I was stealing from my mom's purse. I wasn't not taking that job opportunity and it didn't take the opportunity to go to that school

256
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,800
 It wasn't a golfer permitting me to drink and a skateboarder

257
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:40,640
 Kid, you know and I realized I had made the same exact decision that bill had made every step of the way

258
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,280
 and that was to drink, you know, and

259
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:51,380
 and I started to think that maybe I'm not certain whether I could have this thing, but it's certainly this is what I

260
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:58,760
 Was certain that the this guy that I've been talking to had something I didn't have and if I followed him around

261
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:01,720
 Maybe I would get a taste of it and you know

262
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:07,280
 He kept taking me through these steps and I told that guy everything about me and you know

263
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,280
 I remember telling him my fist

264
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:16,120
 You know, he had me write these secrets at the end that he knew I wouldn't put in the regular inventory

265
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:22,360
 That wasn't ready for that right at the end. He goes right this right everything that you didn't want to tell me down

266
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:26,920
 And he me right like one word that would remind him remind me of it

267
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:30,320
 so he would write that, you know incriminate myself, but I

268
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:38,880
 Start reading these things and and it his facial expression didn't change the entire time these things that I was terrified

269
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:44,000
 Anybody would know about it and he would every once in a while, you know, one of them he would go

270
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,360
 I did that, you know, and he would tell me a story and

271
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:54,720
 you know and it encouraged me to tell him the next thing and I told him all those things and I

272
00:21:54,720 --> 00:22:00,600
 We were done with that and I just had this feeling like everything was gonna be okay

273
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:04,600
 And the very same thing that I searched for an alcohol

274
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:09,560
 I found an alcoholics anonymous by doing the things that you guys taught to do and you know, I

275
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:13,120
 Got kicked out of that treatment center when I was about five months over

276
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:19,920
 Because I couldn't stay away from the girls and smoking when I wasn't supposed to smoke and I I mean this fork in the road

277
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,940
 Either I'm gonna go to Arizona until I'm 18 or when I go into the server living house and my sponsor convinced my parents

278
00:22:24,940 --> 00:22:28,640
 put me into the server living house in orange and I go into there and

279
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:35,520
 Guys that I've been meeting at those meetings started showing up and picking me up and you know

280
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:41,160
 And they they I had given them my number and I had gotten their number and I might have called a couple of them

281
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,080
 initially

282
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:50,000
 To get those rides, but after a period of time they knew I wanted to be sober and they started calling me

283
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,880
 Hey, I'm going to this meeting night be ready at 7, you know

284
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,800
 And they would be there at 7 and get in their car

285
00:22:55,800 --> 00:23:01,480
 they would they would take me there and they would drive me all over the place all over Orange County and Los Angeles and

286
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:07,760
 taking me all these different types of things and all these different AA meetings and and you know that I

287
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,840
 really started to fall in love with alcoholics and

288
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:15,240
 I started getting commitments in the meetings that I was going to and

289
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:20,860
 You know that all right when I was about nine months sober. I got to the

290
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:27,680
 six months over got to the eighth of nine step and I had my list ready and

291
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,440
 Go visit with my sponsor

292
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:36,480
 And I had myself at the top of the list because one of the things I've been hurting one of these a goofy meeting

293
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:41,520
 I've always had these they said, you know, I hurt myself the most so we need to make amends to us

294
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,600
 And you know, he goes, what are you doing on the list and I go?

295
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,680
 He goes, all right, well, how about we put you at the bottom of the list and after you make amends to the rest of these

296
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,680
 People you can go ahead

297
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,960
 Anything we can think of it's kind of perverted

298
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:59,040
 but let's start with your mom and

299
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:01,680
 He had me write this letter to her

300
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:07,920
 House read this letter to don't say anything. Is that like to screw this thing?

301
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,520
 She says something that makes you mad. You just be quiet

302
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:18,200
 You know, I sit down and I read this letter to her and at the end it said if there's anything I could do to

303
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,200
 Make these things right? Please like

304
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:27,220
 She just said keep doing alcoholics nine months to the best year and then for a Catholic woman that thanks the

305
00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:32,680
 Answer for everything as the Catholic Church that was had to have been a hard thing for her to say

306
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,000
 But she knew that something was happening for me here

307
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,080
 She didn't know why she didn't know but she knew something was happening

308
00:24:41,020 --> 00:24:43,020
 She just said keep doing

309
00:24:43,020 --> 00:24:46,680
 That's what I've done for the last 22 years

310
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:53,500
 And that doesn't mean I've done it perfectly I've made plenty of mistakes, you know

311
00:24:53,500 --> 00:25:01,680
 Getting sober, you know, just a couple months shy of 17 and they you know went into debt

312
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,600
 bad relationships

313
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:08,920
 You know all the challenges that you guys talk about

314
00:25:09,820 --> 00:25:12,560
 people who get sober older talk about

315
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,400
 Going through while they're drinking and for sure

316
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,360
 but

317
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:23,960
 I've done it to the best of my ability. I know when I've made those mistakes and willing to clean those things up challenging. I

318
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:30,040
 When I was about a year sober, I had this thing in the back of my head saying maybe it was a phase

319
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:36,080
 Maybe it was this maybe it was that and I think we all come in with something that says that we're just a little bit

320
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:42,960
 Different and that was an easy thing for my alcoholism to grab hold of and I'm sitting in this Wednesday night meeting one night

321
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:47,640
 And this older gentleman says it's next to me. It goes aren't you a little too young to be here? You don't know me

322
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,000
 bitch

323
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,320
 I said

324
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:57,920
 No, you know, but I went home and I grabbed the book and I was gonna find something to throw into space and and

325
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:04,920
 You know, I going through that such time young people and it says there are those of us who only drink a few years

326
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:10,280
 They were in the same position as those of us who drink for 20 years. That's not holy crap. That's me, you know

327
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:15,440
 And I knew that this, you know dawned on me that that prior year and a half or so

328
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:20,880
 I've been sitting in these meetings relating to the things that you guys talked about might have come from a different

329
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,600
 You know different area a different walk of life different age. What?

330
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:28,520
 but I realized that the related things that

331
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:33,040
 You know, I have been questioned whether it was since that day

332
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:37,360
 I'm not saying that I haven't thought of taking a drink. It's two different things

333
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:40,520
 But I had a question whether I'm gonna do that

334
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:48,520
 Another year goes by it was like September every year for my first five years was a

335
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:58,760
 But that next year I was a

336
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:02,040
 I'm starting to look for you know

337
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:09,320
 I I thought like I could just read stuff and talk to you and that everything would be okay

338
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:14,560
 You know, I didn't actually have to go out there and and and and try to clean up the wreckage, you know

339
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:15,880
 so, you know

340
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:20,840
 I would start looking for some secret answer that I hadn't found in the book and

341
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,760
 Pick up the pamphlet on sponsorship and think man. He's not doing that

342
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:31,320
 that's the problem, you know and just trying to find some answer that was gonna fix everything and I

343
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:35,760
 See this guy Keon and and he knows this type of guy where you love here

344
00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:39,840
 And I'm sure you kind of follow him around at the meetings that he goes to but you don't want to actually talk to him

345
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,680
 Because he's gonna be asking about what you're doing and really want to talk about that

346
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,680
 so I

347
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:49,680
 bump into him at this retreat that September and he goes

348
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:57,440
 How are you doing? I just start telling him all all the crap that I'm dealing with. It's mostly in my head and

349
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:02,960
 And he goes, you know, once I started making financial amends my financial life got better

350
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:08,420
 And once I started making relationship and that's my relationships got better. I've always wanted everyone to love me

351
00:28:08,420 --> 00:28:10,120
 I've always wanted to be rich and

352
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:14,400
 So I went out and I made 30 amends that week and couldn't find any of these people the week before that

353
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:18,960
 I didn't have the money to pay you know back the week before that but you know all of a sudden it was there and

354
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,700
 I got fired up about it

355
00:28:20,700 --> 00:28:27,160
 I had all these grocery stores liquor stores old friends 7-elevens a couple police officers and teachers and and

356
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:32,360
 I work in the 7-elevens one day and there's four or five 7-elevens up and down

357
00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:38,000
 Westminster Boulevard and I'd stolen from all of them. I'm not not that I'm anytime a big-time crook

358
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:42,380
 I'm a petty thief, but I I walk into one and I

359
00:28:42,380 --> 00:28:45,840
 Walk up to the counter and

360
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:51,000
 Get my little spiel and he goes man. I've never had anybody do that before. Thank you so much

361
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,520
 and you know what I leave there and I feel good and

362
00:28:54,200 --> 00:29:00,080
 Next couple go flying as well and I walk into the last one and I stole two packs of cigarettes from this one at that

363
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,360
 You know, this is not gonna be a big deal. I walk in that wait for the line to die down

364
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:07,720
 I walk up to the counter at ten dollars in my hand and I go, you know two and a half years ago

365
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:11,600
 I stole two packs of cigarettes in order for me to stay sober. I need to make every rung

366
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:17,720
 I made right he goes. Oh you want two packs of cigarettes? I go. Oh, no. No. No, I stole two packs of cigarettes

367
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,280
 I need to pay you back because what you stole from my store get out of here

368
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:26,520
 So you want your money, you know, I'm a little freaked out it and it kind of like frozen place

369
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:30,920
 I look over and this guy had come in. He was standing right next to me. He goes don't worry about it

370
00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:34,160
 You did your part like crap. You bastards are everywhere. I

371
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:39,540
 left there and I got into my car and I started driving to

372
00:29:39,540 --> 00:29:45,300
 My meeting and I don't know if it's the immense that I just made the commitments that I had to

373
00:29:45,300 --> 00:29:50,160
 Try to develop a relationship with the power greater than myself that guys have been trying to sponsor

374
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:56,120
 The but I got this overwhelming feeling like everything was gonna be okay

375
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:59,280
 So overwhelming feeling like all the little problems in my life

376
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:06,600
 We're gonna work themselves out and and I've been chasing that feeling ever since and I don't get that feeling by doing something for me

377
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:09,800
 You know, I don't get that feeling by buying a house or a new car

378
00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:15,480
 I mean a new car is good for like two weeks until you get the first payment, you know, and

379
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:18,120
 you know, I don't get I don't even like I

380
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:25,240
 Regretfully say this because some people don't understand but it doesn't even my children don't give me that feeling

381
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:31,800
 Yeah, they give me that feeling from time to time that you know, but it goes away immediately when they crap their pants, you know

382
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:33,400
 or

383
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,600
 Or you know want to murder each other, you know

384
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:38,280
 but I

385
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:44,080
 Get that feeling when I try to do something for somebody else when I'm not thinking about me for a period of time

386
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:49,920
 And you know and that's how I try to live my life today. It is sometimes very hard

387
00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:55,720
 Sometimes very hard to not think about myself my future. My what's whatever is going on, but

388
00:30:55,720 --> 00:31:03,040
 Over the last six months or so my constant prayer is how can I be your servant?

389
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:07,940
 That is all I want that it's all I need in in this life. That is all I need to try to do

390
00:31:07,940 --> 00:31:14,000
 How do I be your servant and you know and and asking for that prayer over these last six months?

391
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,200
 I could tell you that a lot of opportunities have presented themselves

392
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:19,720
 you know, I

393
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:25,680
 Sponsored a number of new guys. I've had several commitments and things come up that

394
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:30,600
 And and I ever started to regret seeing the first

395
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:38,120
 I've had an absolutely incredible life and I'm gonna say

396
00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:42,300
 Been married for 11 years. I have three children

397
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:45,280
 you know, I

398
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,280
 Started a business eight years ago

399
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:51,500
 Get to employ a number of people

400
00:31:51,500 --> 00:31:55,120
 You know one of my

401
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,280
 guys today

402
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:59,640
 sent me a text he just bought a new truck and

403
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:02,760
 You know, and she had to work for that

404
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:08,600
 but I'm grateful of the opportunity that I got to participate in that and you know, and I I

405
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:14,800
 there was a guy when I was news name was Chuck D and I would see him every week and I would say how you

406
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:16,800
 Doing Chuck and you know better than I deserve

407
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:21,640
 You know, sometimes you've asked me. How are you? Not as good as I deserve to have I

408
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:29,300
 See him the next week. How you doing check better than I deserve kid a few weeks of this goes by and finally

409
00:32:29,300 --> 00:32:34,220
 I just go what do you mean? You've been sober all this time. You've helped all these people. You've done all this work

410
00:32:34,220 --> 00:32:36,480
 What do you mean? You don't deserve the life yet?

411
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:41,560
 And I said for all the bad things I've done people I've hurt mistakes. I've made I don't deserve

412
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:48,980
 Today and I truly believe that for yourself today and it took me a really long time to understand

413
00:32:48,980 --> 00:32:52,320
 When my life is better than I deserve there's room

414
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:55,760
 When there's room for gratitude in this moment

415
00:32:55,760 --> 00:33:02,180
 Everything is okay when I'm focused on what I deserve for the problems in my life that things going on

416
00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:04,600
 The exterior that I can't control

417
00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:08,040
 that gratitude goes away and

418
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:13,200
 Then my mind begins to try to figure these things out

419
00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:19,880
 Instead of just living in that that gratitude and trying to be of service and when I'm living in that gratitude

420
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:26,480
 Trying to be of service. It almost doesn't even matter what's going on. It almost doesn't matter what challenges

421
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:29,160
 My life is okay